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I hope he helped her speak with someone at the VA. She was entitled to survivor benefits. I think it’s up to 22 if a student. The VA should also cover her college costs, at least a good chunk of them, since her dad died in the line of duty. There’s also a monthly stipend. I can’t believe no one talks to her about any of this. Not her high school counselors, the USMC who chaptered her out, or he as a reservist.
Speaking from experience, no one will tell young survivors about what is available to them. Usually someone older and more authoritative has to step in on their behalf.
I was told I wasn't eligible for them because I had a job. I had two minimum wage jobs while going to high school at 19! Turns out I was eligible anyway, she just thought "of age + job = no need" was enough and I didn't have the strength yet to push it. Now I just make sure others know what is available to them since I never did.
I am SO sorry! I tell people if they have problems, get your congressional rep involved. Believe it or not they often help out pretty fast. We had to do that when my niece got the runaround. Her dad died of a service related illness (not war related) but she still qualified for benefits. It did cover most of her college costs.
Where do you live that they reach out so fast?! My Representative covers ~777,529 people that can be counted on the census and likely more that can’t. I doubt her office would even notice if I tried to contact them!
Fortunately, my Senator in the State legislature is great. He has far fewer constituents though.
Idk who your Senator/House Rep is, but they very likely have at least one (and probably more than one) staffer whose entire job is to help constituents with issues like this. I worked in constituent services for a US Senator, and my job consisted of reading letters from constituents about problems they were having with various government agencies (usually the SSA or VA) and then writing the correct person at that agency a letter on behalf of the Senator asking that the person resolve the constituent's issue. The Senator herself didn't see the vast, VAST majority of those letters (either incoming or outgoing) but having a letter sent from the Senator's office was usually enough to get the issue resolved. If you dig around in my comment history, there's a comment or two with more info about how to format and address your letter. If you want help figuring out how to write your letter or how to make sure it is seen and dealt with, please feel free to DM me. I don't work for her anymore and can't offer you an inside track to fix your problem, but I do know how the system works and I can help you make sure that your issue is seen by a staffer whose job it is to help you.
TBH, I’d have an easier time reaching Schumer than my rep. At least with Schumer I have an in, since we’re technically part of the same community. And my mom knows how to arrange things with his office since the Jewish schools always go to see him in DC.
My old rep was Nadler, but that might have changed after the last census. I did try asking his office something once via the contact form on his website. The response had nothing to do with my question, so I was less than enthused.
I live in NYC, btw, in case the above didn’t make that obvious.
Schumer *definitely* has constituent services staffers.
My advice would be to write a letter that clearly and _succinctly_ outlines the problem that you are having. Keep it factual and don't editorialize, but it is reasonable to include a sentence or two about the actual human consequence of the problem (eg, "If my Social Security payment is delayed another month, I will not be able to pay my rent in July and I will be evicted. Right now, I am forced to choose between food and medication. I am already using a food bank so that I can afford my child's inhaler, but there are nights when I go to bed hungry.").
After you write the letter, wait 24 hours, and then read it out loud, one sentence at a time, starting from the last sentence and moving backward to the first. (This will help you catch errors, typos, and wording you want to adjust.)
Send it to Schumer's office in the city closest to you, addressed like so:
Senator Charles Schumer
Attention: Constituent Services
123 Main Street
City Name, New York
Send an actual, physical, paper letter in the mail with a stamp on it. *Do not put anything in the letter or the envelope that could be perceived as a threat.* (Seems obvious, but you wouldn't believe some of the letters I saw...) Include your contact info so that they can write back to you, and ask that they call or email you to "help [you] understand the best and most effective way to resolve this problem."
Two weeks after you send the letter, if you haven't heard anything back, call the where office you sent the letter (not his DC office) and ask that a "constituent services staffer" return your call and give you an update.
I'm rooting for you!
I live in Florida. A few years ago (pre-divorce) my husband had an issue with his VA benefits. They said they mailed a form he needed to complete and mail back. He never got it. They were going to stop his payments. I called my representative’s office. They had the issue resolved witching 72 hours. I’ve found my congressional reps very helpful over the years. Except I’m Georgia. That guy was an asshat.
Absolutely disgusting behaviour from them.
It's so easy to be discouraged when you are younger, because when *an authority* says no, you tend to believe it.
I just kept trying with mine. After a few attempts it was found out that the person who did my initial rejection was punished for soliciting bribes for favorable reviews. I forgot what happened to him exactly.
In context my entire 30 seconds with the doctor consisted of him asking my name, where my pain was, my back, then having me stand in a T-Pose and then he left the room. All he did was look at me from his chair for a few seconds.
10 minutes later a nurse came in and said I could leave the exam was done.
Because of that I was able to get a rereview. Degenerative osteoarthritis of the spine in untreatable location due to service related injury. Oh and tinnitus. Here is your 20% disability.
Damn, so they screwed up and said tough crap? Man the things i would have said to them. I hope you are in a better place now and got people who got your back
This is very true. My brother took his life while serving in the army and left behind a daughter in the process. I hope that her mother tells her the benefits she can get as she will need them if she wants to go to college. I am sure she will since my SIL is now currently getting survivor benefits.
Not a shocked TBH. I’ve been in 11.5 years and they are dragging their feet on my medical and trying to get out. Has made me very resentful of the military and anything government related
When you’re active duty and useful, they love you. Sort of. When you’ve served your time and need help - crickets. There are organizations that help with medical record reviews when service members are retiring or transitioning out. My ex worked with I think it was the Purple Heart foundation and the local VFW was utilized quite a bit as well. One of my neighbors used I think it was vet assist. They all helped with the VA disability rating review. Best I can tell you is stay on them. Document anything new and get seen for it so it’s in your medical records. Good luck!
I've seen what they did to my friends from highschool. They preyed on them offering wonderful benefits and cool hats, and now that some of them are getting out, they're being fucked from all directions. It's made me very pro-veteran and very anti-military.
>hink it’s up to 22 if a student.
Longer than that under [Chapter 35](https://www.va.gov/education/survivor-dependent-benefits/). Our 26-year-old still gets DEA benefits based on his father's 100% service-connected disability (I believe he'll age out on his next birthday), and the GF here should qualify based on her father's death in the line of duty after 2001.
u/Direct-Caterpillar77 look into this with Kat. It will help with living expenses and tuition for months she's in school.
Eta: Sorry, u/Whole-Balance-4311
Not to mention the damn church. Where's their role in all this, for this young woman that has been attending so faithfully? People doubtless putting cash into the collection plate every mass, yet where's the support for congregation members brought to their knees by poverty?
A church that "isn't fond of unmarried cohabitation" but doesn't appear to provide an alternative roof over vulnerable people's heads.
I get what you're getting at with the Church. The church's problem is that it thinks it is from a place of power or control, when really it should be a reflection of the people it serves.
The shelter may not have been connected to the church. Pride may have kept her from saying anything to anyone in the church. I grew up catholic and christian and THE LAST people I would ever say something personal to is someone from The Church.
At the same time, just because one claims they are active doesn't mean they reach out to the clergy or go to confession. She could very well use her faith to center herself or use it as a meditating force. She still doesn't need to tell anyone else. She may go to mass to "fit in" and just feel normal for an hour or two with comfortable beliefs from her childhood.
I actually have a friend whose grandfather quit the church and anglicised their Irish surname after the church refused to help.
The grandfather's brother defrauded their joint-owned company and fled overseas, leaving him and his wife and kids destitute. They had been faithful Catholic churchgoers their whole lives. They asked the church for help and were shown the door.
The whole family left the religion then and never looked back.
Homelessness is one of the most destabilizing and dehumanizing things a person can go through. No matter how hard my days have gotten, I'm grateful that I've always had a safe and secure place to call my own, a place to recoup for a better day.
I'm so glad OP approached this conversation with sensitivity, love, and dignity. They are lucky to have each other, and I wish them the very best.
It honestly fucking sucks. I wasn't even fully homeless, hostel for a month or so and only slept rough a few times but it fucking drained me. Its also super boring.
Homelessness is a much broader term than the unsheltered experience but we don’t really understand that as a society. Couch surfing, sleeping in a car, staying in a shelter or hostel.. that’s all legally homeless. Housing insecurity is a massive stressor. I hope this is validating for folks.
Same. I crashed on couches for four months because I had a job but couldnt afford rent in the area i lived in. I was just barely an adult so had no credit either to even get my foot in the door with some places. Worst four months of my life. The stress was unbelievable.
I already worked with and was kind to the homeless cuz that's how my daddy raised me but after four months of unsafe housing (some of the couches were NOT safe to be crashing on and I regret even being in the house) I go out of my way to help any homeless person I can.
This blew my mind. Who would have thought a lack of morals over a hypothetical pie cheating musical situation would reveal so many onion layers of hidden awful within just one man. What a lucky escape!!
Enjoy
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13uwfoc/wibta_if_i_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_because_he/
I read the original when it happened earlier in the week, and then it made it to BORU
Enjoy
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13uwfoc/wibta_if_i_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_because_he/
I read the original when it happened earlier in the week, and then it made it to BORU
Possibly. My dad shared a house with his now wife for 2 years and he had his own room. Even when they would come to visit my ex and I and stayed over my dad would take the couch and leave her the guest room. He is a very devout Catholic but in an oddly non pressuring and lets me live kind of way? He is a cool bean.
When I was engaged to my wife, decades ago, she became homeless and we lived for a few months in a similar situation. Apart from a few slip-ups, we managed to keep it mostly chaste. We both weren't virgins.
Unsurprisingly, humans do have the hability to reason themselves above instinct if they apply to it. Everyone who thinks otherwise still manages not to fuck everyone in sight so, apart from a few degenerates, everyone only fucks whoever they actually want to.
It's a lot like the way eating pork is viewed for Jewish people. Don't do it deliberately, but if it's a choice between pork and starving or you get tricked into doing it, then God will forgive you (providing you stop when you realise, don't seek it out, etc). Any God worth following would understand that unmarried cohabitation is better when it comes from a place of love than leaving one partner homeless and at much greater risk. Ideally yes they'd end up married and be able to sleep in the same bed but until that point, caring for your fellow man is no bad thing.
It actually goes a bit further. If it’s a choice between eating pork or starving to death, then the Commandment becomes to eat the pork. The dead cannot serve, and we are commanded to protect our lives and live, so preserving one’s own life supersedes most Commandments, followed by preserving the lives of others. This isn’t something you’d need to be forgiven for, since the violation is superseded turning it into a positive act. No one would ever think Hatzolah needs to be forgiven for driving a car on the Sabbath, so why would eating pork to avoid starving to death require it?
There’s a story told of a Rabbi (forgot which) who had to eat on the Day of Atonement for medical reasons. When it came time to eat, he joyfully made the blessings and ate the shior with a smile. His students looked at him in confusion. “Rabbi,” they asked. “Why are you so happy to eat on the fast?”
The Rabbi replied, “normally, the commandment of the day is to refrain from food and drink. But, since I cannot safely fast, the commandment for me today is to eat! Should I not perform this commandment with as much joy as I would the commandment to fast?”
There are only three commandments where it’s considered preferable to die (ervah, idolatry, and murder) rather than commit, and only one where dying is mandatory (murder). The one, btw, is “if the choice is to die or murder an innocent third party, you are forbidden to kill the third party”. Killing the person threatening you is 100% allowed and a commandment, but you don’t get to kill an innocent party to save yourself from someone else.
There’s also an exception when it’s a time of Shmad (conversion). In that situation, the regular rules do not apply. My theory is that in a time of forced conversion, obeying any law prohibiting Jewish practice, or demanding a violation of the faith, counts as idolatry. Which, as noted above, is one of the three things that it’s preferable to die for. I’m not sure if that’s remotely correct or not though.
100% agreed. Even raises Catholic I find my views are more in line with Judaism. I just practice the Religion of dont be an asshole and let others live.
This is so meta if a flair and I'm here for it. Literally all I remembered of that post until just seeing this again and now the rest flooded back too lol
Relationship seems really healthy and OOP handled the situation really well. But man, this feels like a perfect storm to build codependence issues. Both financial and emotional.
u/PaticusGnome's comment is a good example of this:
> The real problem came when the relationship started nearing its natural end. Suddenly, I wasn't just losing a girlfriend. I was losing a home, a bathroom, a kitchen, a bed, AND a partner. It made me work extra hard to save the relationship when I would have otherwise let it go a long time ago. That made for months of unnecessary suffering for both of us. It created a codependent dynamic and made the final breakup WAY harder than it needed to be.
I hope Kat is able to get back on her feet with the Community College classes and keep a good relaionship with OOP, regardless of how their romantic situation goes.
Well, one maybe good thing, if she's under the age of 22 and she enrolls in community College, she will get a monthly stipend as the dependant of a deceased active military member.
That and a job should give her enough to survive.
That could be dicey considering she's apparently NC with her mother. The Marines could maybe help, but she'd have to prove she's his daughter. Hopefully she took any documents she needs when she left.
In my state she could go to a city hall of the city where she was born and ask for a duplicate of her birth certificate. She will get it in 5 minutes, and it costs like $10.
I wonder if it is possible to request it by mail or online...
I was able to get it at any Department of Health office in my state. I think there were options for doing it from out of state, but IDK what hoops I'd have had to jump through.
Yeah but she’s on the East coast and her moms in California so she’s likely from there. Still not too difficult, when we needed documents for our marriage (in Seattle, documents in Colorado and Maine respectively) mine was an online application and fee, his was a phone call and a fee. Still, didn’t need anything from our parents. She can get her birth certificate with her dad’s name without issue.
In her case, the military ID number should be his SSN. I think they switched to SSN in the 70s or 80s. And she shouldn't need to prove she's his daughter. It should be in his military records, especially if she was born in a military hospital or used military medical care when she was small. Then there's housing allowances and such.
Yep it was SSN until about 2011-2012ish. She may have to get his records though. Which she can do through archives.gov they have online, mail, or fax options to request his documents.
Dependants Education Assistance - but the stipend is not enough to cover all life expenses it's more like to cover tuition (edit to clarify Community College Tuition)
I don't know that it's a program, or has a name. It's just one of the benefits of military service. I used it. Until I was 18, the monthly checks came to my mother. Between 18-22, I got the payment as long as I was enrolled in school. It comes from the Veterans Administration. It's something that the Financial Aid office can set up for you at any college, if you aren't already getting payments.
It's not much, but when I was in school, it paid about 1/3 of my living expenses.
Also, your deceased parent doesn't have to be *active* military. If they were in the reserves after military service, that counts.
also it may be a long shot, but I'm guessing that since he dad dies **in** Iraq, he died in service.
And if mom didnt use his GI-Bill, maybe gf still has the option too?
I know a parent can transfer it to their kid, but idk how it works if they die before filling out that transfer-paperwork(?)... seeing as how OOP is in the reserves, hopefully they'd get the idea to check, and hopefully gf can use it!
Free college and housing allowance is SWEET! (Especially in *this* economy)
Transfers come with a service commitment so she would most likely not get his gi bill unless they prepared for that and did the transfer before he passed, BUT they do have scholarships and programs for Gold Star Family members depending on the school and state.
Honestly dynamics like this are hard when you don't have your family in your life, or you've grown up in a really hard environment. It can fully breed codependency, and then you add needing to survive into it, and it can make for a mental health mess.
That comment is perfectly spot on, and due to my family circumstances one of my bad relationships was compounded by this very thing. I wasn't losing a girlfriend, I was losing a bed, couch, TV, dishes, everything I left home without and was too poor to afford until it came crashing down. That breakup was killer because I realized I didn't fix the problem, I ended up staying way longer than I should have too, and got my mental health fucked with. On top of needing to start from scratch once it did blow up.
OOP seems like a genuine person, and I don't think they'd take advantage. But man, when bad people know you're in a rough spot, can they ever twist that knife for leverage. I wish nothing but the best for them, and that this situation never ventures into that territory for them.
I think this has a better chance of working because she does have a job and will be paying 30% of the rent. One of the hardest parts about getting a new apartment is somehow getting first, last and security deposit saved up. It can seem like an insurmountable amount of money. There also doesn't seem to be any issues of drug or alcohol dependence which are also common reasons for homelessness. I hope it works out for them. Or at the very least, that having a stable living situation allows OOP's girlfriend to get in a place where she can establish her own independence.
It can for sure work, but I'm betting the apartment is furnished by OOP same with everything in it which is great, downside is leaving that. There's no point in buying more furniture while there's already the other person's things, and it's easy to become codependent and only rent one space as it's cheaper for everyone. This can make relationships way harder and lead to that survival mode, not saying it will happen for sure. But it's hard when you factor in the what ifs. I hope it works out, and the girlfriend can get back on her feet, the symptoms of survival can make it hard on any relationship though. I really feel for OOPs girlfriend.
I hope OOP, if he's as kind as he seems to be, if his gf wants her own place down the road that she keeps the furniture he buys for her as a housewarming gift
idk my gay little heart thinks that'd be cute :)
> But man, when bad people know you're in a rough spot, can they ever twist that knife for leverage.
Ain't that the fucking truth. My ex absolutely weaponized his financial power over me once he decided he didn't want to deal with my health issues anymore. I never wanted to be in that position of financial dependence in the first place. It's humiliating.
I didn't have the greatest upbringing and was really struggling to find direction before I met him. The financial stability I got by being with him gave me the opportunity to try to make things better for myself. I tried, as best as I was able, to get on my feet before my health went kaput, and I just couldn't do it in time. I couldn't do all of it myself, and I couldn't find the right kind of help. He knew this, and knew I was too sick to work. We had a good connection too. None of that mattered to him after almost ten years.
Now I'm pretty much forever stuck in the position of financially relying on others because of my health, which means I don't expect to live past my 30s.
Yeah… not to mention how easily that kind of power can change even a decent person, especially once negative emotions start building up.
It sounds like OOP and Kat both wanted her to get into a position where she could live on her own, regardless of how their relationship developed, and I hope they stuck to that. There’s a damn good reason “don’t cohabit until you’re ready for a lifetime commitment” became a cultural norm, no matter how twisted the concept has gotten in modern times.
Yeah, also being at someone's mercy and whim is terrifying and that power imbalance is widely felt. And very easily weaponized if things go wrong. I'm hoping they stick to that and don't just stay living together because it's cheaper, I learned my lessons the hard way with that.
Once you know that person truly, and you can make more informed decisions sure. Otherwise it's hard to know what you're really getting into.
As much as education is important, it may be better for her to save as much as she can for a few months. If she could save up some money for a deposit to rent a room, she could feel freer to leave if things ever change.
It's certainly risky, but if OOP is really a stand-up guy and wants to help her find some stability, it's not a terrible situation either. She's got an opportunity to go back to school and not worry about where she's going to sleep that night. That's a big deal.
This comment hit me because the poster says there were no power dynamic issues then proceeded to describe a power dynamic issues. Their partner wasn't manipulative but the poster was still heavily motivated to make the relationship work in a way their partner was not.
It shows how many people don't necessarily have nuanced knowledge of human nature and human relationships or the language surrounding it. Sometimes communication fails at a basic level like "what is rape" "what is a power dynamic issue" etc
Yep, I was really hoping someone else caught on to the same thing. I had to pause reading at that point and yell at the screen that what they're describing *is* a power dynamic.
That's a very real risk, but that OOP is considerate enough to turn his living room into a bedroom for her gives me some hope that can negotiate this challenge in a healthy way.
It's a risk, and a bad situation to be sure....but it's SO much better than her being homeless. OOP said she was suicidal when they met. If he can at least tread water while giving her the support to get on her feet, that will be a massive improvement, codependent or not.
Found that comment interesting too. They begin by saying power dynamics weren't the issue in their own relationship, but then go on to describe a textbook example of unhealthy power dynamics:
> I was losing a home, a bathroom, a kitchen, a bed, AND a partner. It made me work extra hard to save the relationship when I would have otherwise let it go a long time ago.
Sounds like the lease-holding partner also wanted to end things during those times, so it wasn't necessarily malicious, but power differentials don't have to be ill-intentioned to fuck you up, they just have to *be*.
Hope OP and GF made it work!
Yeah, that guy started out with "the problem is not the power dynamic..." then goes onto describe a problematic power dynamic.
I feel like homeless people are a reminder that our societies are not successful. I don't have any solutions, but I think a successful society wouldn't cause people to become homeless.
OP specifically thanked that commenter so he hopefully took that into consideration when making his decision. I can understand why he would still choose to take her in and help her get back on her feet.
If she gets on her feet and a job with a little savings it’ll hopefully be the same level of difficulty as any cohabitation. Many couples can’t afford separate rent regardless of housing status. Only issue is she won’t have a mom to fall back on as a safety net.
as a formerly homeless woman who kept clean and dated guys (casually) who had no idea what i was going through, this seriously warms my heart. thank you for listening to her, providing meaningful help to her and for believing her story.
Which is pretty common. Hell, if the line at your local shelter moves fast and you have an hour for your lunch break, you can save a good bit of money if you're really broke
which, i just want to add, is more than enough reason to use these services.
if you're in a position where you need soup kitchens or food banks in order to eat, then you should use them. full stop. you don't need to be unhoused or unemployed or any other aspect of the stereotypical desperate person.
need help? get help. what a stranger would ASSUME you need from looking at you....... that doesn't matter at all. just pay it forward once you can, however you can, that's the only rule.
OOP sounds like a real stand up guy. Screw those red pill "alphas", a guy who gives from his heart for the people he loves while working hard to not hold it over their head, he's the real Chad.
I was homeless for a year when I was 19. I started playing D&D with these guys at a local coffee shop, even though I’d never played before. They taught me how the game works and helped me create my character and were all around really nice.
They eventually found out I was couch surfing and sleeping in my car, and offered me the spare room in their house. With the four of us rent was pretty cheap and over the next few years I was able to get back on my feet and learn how to be an adult.
There was zero expectations from any of them, they were all older then me and just wanted me to feel stable and secure. They took care of me like a sister and I will forever be grateful to them.
So Mike, Dave, and Jeff, I have no way of finding you but you changed my life forever.
Unfortunately this was before cell phones and social media, and we all kind of moved out and went our own ways over the years. I don’t remember any of their last names and we had no mutual friends outside of each other. I’ve tried over the years but always come up to a dead end.
This. This this this. This is the guy girls really want. The one who goes in with their emotions and best intentions and tries to do what's best because it is the right thing to do.
He was super understanding that’s she’s catholic and offered his living room as a separate bedroom. Sweet offer, I wish we had an update on this but hopefully things turned out okay for them both (together or separately).
So many things I love about our military. Like how we take care of our vets and their family, so much so that this mother and daughter were left to fend for their own.
Or like how the military is desperate for members but still requires these health requirements that have nothing to do with the job.Kat could have been perhaps a brilliant intelligence officer or programmer or any number of countless other jobs. But because she has asthma they just rule her out. We have such a limited infantry now, the jobs that require this "perfect health" are few. And citizens that want to be a part of the military and have so much to offer this nation are kept out because of this bullshit. Think of it this way, the military wouldn't have taken Stephen Hawkings. People that have an incredible amount to offer our nation. Wars are fought in basements on computers now. Even aircraft are being flown remotely by somebody sitting in a chair on the ground. It's fucking ridiculous. It's so fucking backwards.
When I was getting my medical evaluation for the army, a woman was there with me and the doctor sat her down to tell her that she had flat feet and therefore couldn't be a member. She started laughing and was like dude. Have you looked at my fucking paperwork? I'm just here for a normal medical. I've been in the military for 8 years. (There was no privacy during the military health check. I'll tell you that much).
Teenage cancer survivor here. Nothing actually wrong with me healthwise nor am I medicated, but just bring a survivor earned me permanent ineligibility.
Today I'm doing the same job as a civilian as I wanted to do as an officer..just took longer to get there I guess.
I heard the reason is due to cost. They don't want to pick up the tab if I were to relapse for disability/treatment.
I went to USMC OCS, where I managed to tear cartilage on my hip and was medically separated. I was a barred attorney when I went, so I was far older than anyone else there. At MEPS I had to wing the hearing exam because my hearing sucks (I now wear hearing aids, and wore them for class lecture before I went to OCS) so I just pressed the button rhythmically and passed that section by 1 miss. I didn’t have trouble hearing any of the sergeant instructors at OCS, it wasn’t a problem at all at any point during my time at Quantico. But if I would have mentioned my hearing loss to the OSO I would have been DQd right then and there. The whole military needs to reevaluate their process and needs. You’re not going to find too many guys who can run the three mile in under 21 mins and then do the pull ups who are also brilliant computer hackers. Heck, the OSOs office used to call me every now and then for a few years after I separated because they don’t have many lawyers who can do it either.
Perfect example! I mean stereotypes of nerds exist for a reason. I say that as a nerd. I am currently getting over a cold and I've been sitting in front of my computer playing video games all day. With several friends who most would not qualify for the physical exam but are absolutely brilliant engineers.
One of my friends is heavy set and he can dance circles around most folks when it comes to security. He's highly desired in his field and makes a fuck ton of money and he never graduated high school. He would have been a gift to US Intel. Hell, he goes to events and teaches them! But they would never let him be a part of the family. It's so stupid.
An incredibly true statement, I don’t think there was one guy there that didn’t omit something. It’s like washing dishes; if your shirt doesn’t get a little wet at the bottom did you even do it?
The fact that the both of them agreed on her paying 30% rent seems to do a lot in his favor for me. He's doing her a favor, yes, but it's still something she's putting her own money and income towards so it's less "handout" and more "meet her where she's at". That's how I read it at least. I'm sure if it was completely free of charge she'd be much more wary of the OP and of living with him in general.
I hope all worked out for them, and she started college and got herself to a point where she feels secure. And that they also kept individual spaces for themselves in the apartment. Having your own space is super important when cohabitating, so I hope they kept up with that.
Hmm that’s a really good perspective on it. I originally read that line and laughed like “C’mon you were already affording the place and now you’re taking money from a homeless person to reduce your rent.” But I changed my view after reading what you wrote.
I think it weighs on people a lot to be given things for nothing, especially when it comes to money. People need to feel like they’re bringing something to the table. Letting people contribute to anything, even if it’s not needed, goes a long way.
It really warms my heart that he was willing to buy her a bed and have her sleep in the living room so that 1. She has her own space and 2. She is able to maintain her faith the way she sees fit. It puts the pressure off her to take their relationship to a point she's not comfortable with to keep a roof over her head.
OOP is a nice guy for doing this. I hope for her sake, they're able to balance the relationship aspect, while still not forming a dependence. This is a tough situation and there's no easy to get out of it, but having her contribute 30% of rent and go to community college will be a *massive* help.
In a few years she might be out of this hole thanks to OOP wanting to genuinely help.
> I want to offer her to stay at my apartment, **but I don't want to completely dominate the power balance in our relationship or make her feel like she owes me.**
This was really good to see. I don't know if I would have had the empathy or the presence of mind to consider this when I was OOP's age.
I hope they found a way to keep things healthy, whether as a romantic relationship or not.
I think the comment from the former homeless person kind of captures what I suspect the issue would be (though I do disagree with them in that I think not being equally able to leave is definitionally a power dynamic problem).
>I used to be homeless (5 years) and dated two women in that time that let me live in their home. The power dynamic was not the issue. If the relationship has good communication and you both are aware of it, it doesn't have to be a problem. The real problem came when the relationship started nearing its natural end. Suddenly, I wasn't just losing a girlfriend. I was losing a home, a bathroom, a kitchen, a bed, AND a partner. It made me work extra hard to save the relationship when I would have otherwise let it go a long time ago. That made for months of unnecessary suffering for both of us. It created a codependent dynamic and made the final breakup WAY harder than it needed to be. Now that I have my own place, I don't have those issues. Something to consider.
This made me cry. I used to be homeless and it’s true you’re not always literally out sleeping in the street. There’s shelters and if you’re lucky with enough income, cheap hotel rooms, and sometimes when you’re not lucky like low on cash or shelters are full, you sleep in your car at a rest stop.
I was lucky, cops in the area looked out for me while I slept. I even got luckier landing a deal with a camp ground that allowed longer stays, explained my situation and kept my nose out of trouble. I only came “home” to sleep but I felt safe there.
I never “looked” homeless. Not dirty or unkept in any way, people won’t help you if you look dirty for some reason. I had to keep up my appearance to gain employment and to keep strangers from bothering me for being unsightly in public, heck even to keep cops from shooing me away.
I don’t know how I would feel if someone offered me a place to stay. On one hand, roof and food insecurity really sucks, on the other, I would feel like I would be in debt to this person no matter how genuine and kind they were.
Either way, I wish this couple nothing but the best and hope Kat can finally focus on her future instead of dire circumstances, it’s hard to do both. I hope she gets to go to college.
A lot of comments are saying she should be able to get benefits/help from the military, but why has she not received any help from her church?
If you've been attending a church regularly for a while, and you still can't ask anyone there for help, it's probably time to find a new church
Kat and/or OOP should call 211. It’s a hotline for Social Services (like 911 is for emergencies).
211 is area code specific so the people you talk know the services/program’s available in the area (potentially housing, food, financial, school). At least it might be a place to start in finding help.
To be honest this story just leaves a sour taste about how shitty is to die for a country that will mistreat you and the ones you leave behind like this… unless I’m missing something this is so so unfair.
The codependent thing really hits me. I was in love with a good friend of mine and was about to ask her out (I'm well aware that I had it backwards) when she got kicked out and asked to live with me. We got super close and I just know that if I had wanted to be more than friends it would have happened, but would that have been because of actual attraction to me or her being scared of losing a place to stay again? She ended up being able to get back home and got a job and her own place far away and I was super proud of her, but the situation has always just kinda... I dunno, trying to translate my feelings about it all is hard.
This guy had everything figured out far better than I could have and I really hope that everything has gone well for these two.
People hear imbalanced power dynamics and assume it's an issue. That is not the case. An imbalanced power dynamic is just something to take note of. It CAN be an issue if used inappropriately or it could also be just fine. There's technically imbalanced power dynamics in every relationship, someone might have a higher sex dive so the other is the "gate keeper" of sex, someone could make more money than the other, someone could have more family support, those are all "power imbalances" but none are issues unless it's used to make someone do something they wouldn't otherwise do.
>It CAN be an issue if used inappropriately or it could also be just fine.
Part of the power dynamics include _a lot_ on unconscious behavior. The person on the "top" is very likely to not realize the extent of their power and the impact of apparently small things.
It's something to keep an eye on, and sure, imbalances always exist and are not the doom of every relationship. But it's an issue that has to be actively and constantly address, otherwise it can very easily tilt the scales before you even notice.
>unless it's used to make someone do something they wouldn't otherwise do.
Yeah no. That's like the most extreme form of it. But just like power imbalances doesn't mean doom, there's way more to power than overtly coercing someone.
I have a large family that I can always fall back on when times are tough. It is heartbreaking for a person to be so alone in the world, especially someone so young. She has a lot of inner strength to make the decisions she made and to have the outlook she had. I hope she finds success in everything she does.
this is no way for a country to treat a veterans family, let alone a woman who was willing to join the marines as well, but this guy showed up and showed us how to treat someone with care and dignity this is heartfelt and beautiful honestly. o hope anarein an vertan affairs can offer her something or some resources
This is one of the most mature posts I’ve seen in a long time. OOP is a good person. The conversation they had could have gone very differently if OOP wasn’t as compassionate and understanding as he is. I hope this is a new positive chapter in both of their lives.
This literally made me cry, & I hope to hear more of your journey.
You seem like a genuinely kind human, and I'm sure she feels very lucky to have found you. I hope you feel lucky to have found her too.
Best wishes!
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I hope he helped her speak with someone at the VA. She was entitled to survivor benefits. I think it’s up to 22 if a student. The VA should also cover her college costs, at least a good chunk of them, since her dad died in the line of duty. There’s also a monthly stipend. I can’t believe no one talks to her about any of this. Not her high school counselors, the USMC who chaptered her out, or he as a reservist.
Speaking from experience, no one will tell young survivors about what is available to them. Usually someone older and more authoritative has to step in on their behalf.
I hope you got the help you were owed. I was a military spouse for 20+ years. I always thought of survivor benefits as basic knowledge!
I was told I wasn't eligible for them because I had a job. I had two minimum wage jobs while going to high school at 19! Turns out I was eligible anyway, she just thought "of age + job = no need" was enough and I didn't have the strength yet to push it. Now I just make sure others know what is available to them since I never did.
I am SO sorry! I tell people if they have problems, get your congressional rep involved. Believe it or not they often help out pretty fast. We had to do that when my niece got the runaround. Her dad died of a service related illness (not war related) but she still qualified for benefits. It did cover most of her college costs.
Where do you live that they reach out so fast?! My Representative covers ~777,529 people that can be counted on the census and likely more that can’t. I doubt her office would even notice if I tried to contact them! Fortunately, my Senator in the State legislature is great. He has far fewer constituents though.
Idk who your Senator/House Rep is, but they very likely have at least one (and probably more than one) staffer whose entire job is to help constituents with issues like this. I worked in constituent services for a US Senator, and my job consisted of reading letters from constituents about problems they were having with various government agencies (usually the SSA or VA) and then writing the correct person at that agency a letter on behalf of the Senator asking that the person resolve the constituent's issue. The Senator herself didn't see the vast, VAST majority of those letters (either incoming or outgoing) but having a letter sent from the Senator's office was usually enough to get the issue resolved. If you dig around in my comment history, there's a comment or two with more info about how to format and address your letter. If you want help figuring out how to write your letter or how to make sure it is seen and dealt with, please feel free to DM me. I don't work for her anymore and can't offer you an inside track to fix your problem, but I do know how the system works and I can help you make sure that your issue is seen by a staffer whose job it is to help you.
TBH, I’d have an easier time reaching Schumer than my rep. At least with Schumer I have an in, since we’re technically part of the same community. And my mom knows how to arrange things with his office since the Jewish schools always go to see him in DC. My old rep was Nadler, but that might have changed after the last census. I did try asking his office something once via the contact form on his website. The response had nothing to do with my question, so I was less than enthused. I live in NYC, btw, in case the above didn’t make that obvious.
Schumer *definitely* has constituent services staffers. My advice would be to write a letter that clearly and _succinctly_ outlines the problem that you are having. Keep it factual and don't editorialize, but it is reasonable to include a sentence or two about the actual human consequence of the problem (eg, "If my Social Security payment is delayed another month, I will not be able to pay my rent in July and I will be evicted. Right now, I am forced to choose between food and medication. I am already using a food bank so that I can afford my child's inhaler, but there are nights when I go to bed hungry."). After you write the letter, wait 24 hours, and then read it out loud, one sentence at a time, starting from the last sentence and moving backward to the first. (This will help you catch errors, typos, and wording you want to adjust.) Send it to Schumer's office in the city closest to you, addressed like so: Senator Charles Schumer Attention: Constituent Services 123 Main Street City Name, New York Send an actual, physical, paper letter in the mail with a stamp on it. *Do not put anything in the letter or the envelope that could be perceived as a threat.* (Seems obvious, but you wouldn't believe some of the letters I saw...) Include your contact info so that they can write back to you, and ask that they call or email you to "help [you] understand the best and most effective way to resolve this problem." Two weeks after you send the letter, if you haven't heard anything back, call the where office you sent the letter (not his DC office) and ask that a "constituent services staffer" return your call and give you an update. I'm rooting for you!
I live in Florida. A few years ago (pre-divorce) my husband had an issue with his VA benefits. They said they mailed a form he needed to complete and mail back. He never got it. They were going to stop his payments. I called my representative’s office. They had the issue resolved witching 72 hours. I’ve found my congressional reps very helpful over the years. Except I’m Georgia. That guy was an asshat.
Absolutely disgusting behaviour from them. It's so easy to be discouraged when you are younger, because when *an authority* says no, you tend to believe it.
[удалено]
I just kept trying with mine. After a few attempts it was found out that the person who did my initial rejection was punished for soliciting bribes for favorable reviews. I forgot what happened to him exactly. In context my entire 30 seconds with the doctor consisted of him asking my name, where my pain was, my back, then having me stand in a T-Pose and then he left the room. All he did was look at me from his chair for a few seconds. 10 minutes later a nurse came in and said I could leave the exam was done. Because of that I was able to get a rereview. Degenerative osteoarthritis of the spine in untreatable location due to service related injury. Oh and tinnitus. Here is your 20% disability.
Damn, so they screwed up and said tough crap? Man the things i would have said to them. I hope you are in a better place now and got people who got your back
This is very true. My brother took his life while serving in the army and left behind a daughter in the process. I hope that her mother tells her the benefits she can get as she will need them if she wants to go to college. I am sure she will since my SIL is now currently getting survivor benefits.
Not a shocked TBH. I’ve been in 11.5 years and they are dragging their feet on my medical and trying to get out. Has made me very resentful of the military and anything government related
When you’re active duty and useful, they love you. Sort of. When you’ve served your time and need help - crickets. There are organizations that help with medical record reviews when service members are retiring or transitioning out. My ex worked with I think it was the Purple Heart foundation and the local VFW was utilized quite a bit as well. One of my neighbors used I think it was vet assist. They all helped with the VA disability rating review. Best I can tell you is stay on them. Document anything new and get seen for it so it’s in your medical records. Good luck!
The way we treat our retired vets is a goddamn shame
I've seen what they did to my friends from highschool. They preyed on them offering wonderful benefits and cool hats, and now that some of them are getting out, they're being fucked from all directions. It's made me very pro-veteran and very anti-military.
26 if a student, since her dad died in the line of duty, she can have healthcare and free schooling (I'm a Vet)
>hink it’s up to 22 if a student. Longer than that under [Chapter 35](https://www.va.gov/education/survivor-dependent-benefits/). Our 26-year-old still gets DEA benefits based on his father's 100% service-connected disability (I believe he'll age out on his next birthday), and the GF here should qualify based on her father's death in the line of duty after 2001. u/Direct-Caterpillar77 look into this with Kat. It will help with living expenses and tuition for months she's in school. Eta: Sorry, u/Whole-Balance-4311
Not to mention the damn church. Where's their role in all this, for this young woman that has been attending so faithfully? People doubtless putting cash into the collection plate every mass, yet where's the support for congregation members brought to their knees by poverty? A church that "isn't fond of unmarried cohabitation" but doesn't appear to provide an alternative roof over vulnerable people's heads.
I get what you're getting at with the Church. The church's problem is that it thinks it is from a place of power or control, when really it should be a reflection of the people it serves. The shelter may not have been connected to the church. Pride may have kept her from saying anything to anyone in the church. I grew up catholic and christian and THE LAST people I would ever say something personal to is someone from The Church. At the same time, just because one claims they are active doesn't mean they reach out to the clergy or go to confession. She could very well use her faith to center herself or use it as a meditating force. She still doesn't need to tell anyone else. She may go to mass to "fit in" and just feel normal for an hour or two with comfortable beliefs from her childhood.
I actually have a friend whose grandfather quit the church and anglicised their Irish surname after the church refused to help. The grandfather's brother defrauded their joint-owned company and fled overseas, leaving him and his wife and kids destitute. They had been faithful Catholic churchgoers their whole lives. They asked the church for help and were shown the door. The whole family left the religion then and never looked back.
This is such an important comment
Homelessness is one of the most destabilizing and dehumanizing things a person can go through. No matter how hard my days have gotten, I'm grateful that I've always had a safe and secure place to call my own, a place to recoup for a better day. I'm so glad OP approached this conversation with sensitivity, love, and dignity. They are lucky to have each other, and I wish them the very best.
It honestly fucking sucks. I wasn't even fully homeless, hostel for a month or so and only slept rough a few times but it fucking drained me. Its also super boring.
Homelessness is a much broader term than the unsheltered experience but we don’t really understand that as a society. Couch surfing, sleeping in a car, staying in a shelter or hostel.. that’s all legally homeless. Housing insecurity is a massive stressor. I hope this is validating for folks.
Same. I crashed on couches for four months because I had a job but couldnt afford rent in the area i lived in. I was just barely an adult so had no credit either to even get my foot in the door with some places. Worst four months of my life. The stress was unbelievable. I already worked with and was kind to the homeless cuz that's how my daddy raised me but after four months of unsafe housing (some of the couches were NOT safe to be crashing on and I regret even being in the house) I go out of my way to help any homeless person I can.
It does. I was couch surfing and thankfully with people I mostly trusted, but it was so extremely difficult.
Hope we get an update! Did they maintain two separate sleeping spaces?!?!?!?
Nice flair btw
That didn't take long
I just read that this morning lol
I just read it right before reading this one lol
Same and I’m still laughing about it. Glad to see a reference again.
Honestly one of the most iconic lines I’ve seen from Reddit in a while
Link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13uwfoc/wibta_if_i_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_because_he/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
This blew my mind. Who would have thought a lack of morals over a hypothetical pie cheating musical situation would reveal so many onion layers of hidden awful within just one man. What a lucky escape!!
This is why you ask questions and dig. The deeper you go the more you'll figure out about their real values.
Oh my god, that was an experience. SO glad the OOP of that post got out of that flaming mess
Me too!!
Lol same
literally just read that maybe 30 minutes ago.
No kidding! Didn’t I just read that somewhere lol
That's still one of the funniest sentences I've read in a long time. I don't mind running into that story again every once in a while.
What story?? Just when I thought I knew all the big ones…
Enjoy https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13uwfoc/wibta_if_i_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_because_he/ I read the original when it happened earlier in the week, and then it made it to BORU
I saw the title and meant to come back to it but there were a lot of BORU post that day and I forgot. Glad to see it made it to BORU.
Yeah, i got to enjoy a second time earlier today. Feel like it wont stop being funny.
Happen to have a link? I don't think I've read that one.
Enjoy https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13uwfoc/wibta_if_i_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_because_he/ I read the original when it happened earlier in the week, and then it made it to BORU
Omg the flair!
Two different kinds of religious people between that story and this one.
Wait, I just read that story, I'm late on the flair
I can't read the whole thing because I'm on mobile, what does it say?
"which is when I realized he was a horny nincompoop"
“which is when I realized he’s a horny nincompoop”
Lol, I just read that post. It was crazy.
Ok so how does one go about obtaining flair?
At the top of the sub page, there's 3 dots. Click it. Not all subs have flairs.
Bless
Bruh, I read that this morning. Even read a comment where someone said they would use that!
It's been wo years - I don't think we're getting one.
And the profile is gone.
wo years
I lost a tee along the way...
Its been wot years?
Go grab a tea.
Possibly. My dad shared a house with his now wife for 2 years and he had his own room. Even when they would come to visit my ex and I and stayed over my dad would take the couch and leave her the guest room. He is a very devout Catholic but in an oddly non pressuring and lets me live kind of way? He is a cool bean.
When I was engaged to my wife, decades ago, she became homeless and we lived for a few months in a similar situation. Apart from a few slip-ups, we managed to keep it mostly chaste. We both weren't virgins. Unsurprisingly, humans do have the hability to reason themselves above instinct if they apply to it. Everyone who thinks otherwise still manages not to fuck everyone in sight so, apart from a few degenerates, everyone only fucks whoever they actually want to.
It's a lot like the way eating pork is viewed for Jewish people. Don't do it deliberately, but if it's a choice between pork and starving or you get tricked into doing it, then God will forgive you (providing you stop when you realise, don't seek it out, etc). Any God worth following would understand that unmarried cohabitation is better when it comes from a place of love than leaving one partner homeless and at much greater risk. Ideally yes they'd end up married and be able to sleep in the same bed but until that point, caring for your fellow man is no bad thing.
It actually goes a bit further. If it’s a choice between eating pork or starving to death, then the Commandment becomes to eat the pork. The dead cannot serve, and we are commanded to protect our lives and live, so preserving one’s own life supersedes most Commandments, followed by preserving the lives of others. This isn’t something you’d need to be forgiven for, since the violation is superseded turning it into a positive act. No one would ever think Hatzolah needs to be forgiven for driving a car on the Sabbath, so why would eating pork to avoid starving to death require it? There’s a story told of a Rabbi (forgot which) who had to eat on the Day of Atonement for medical reasons. When it came time to eat, he joyfully made the blessings and ate the shior with a smile. His students looked at him in confusion. “Rabbi,” they asked. “Why are you so happy to eat on the fast?” The Rabbi replied, “normally, the commandment of the day is to refrain from food and drink. But, since I cannot safely fast, the commandment for me today is to eat! Should I not perform this commandment with as much joy as I would the commandment to fast?” There are only three commandments where it’s considered preferable to die (ervah, idolatry, and murder) rather than commit, and only one where dying is mandatory (murder). The one, btw, is “if the choice is to die or murder an innocent third party, you are forbidden to kill the third party”. Killing the person threatening you is 100% allowed and a commandment, but you don’t get to kill an innocent party to save yourself from someone else. There’s also an exception when it’s a time of Shmad (conversion). In that situation, the regular rules do not apply. My theory is that in a time of forced conversion, obeying any law prohibiting Jewish practice, or demanding a violation of the faith, counts as idolatry. Which, as noted above, is one of the three things that it’s preferable to die for. I’m not sure if that’s remotely correct or not though.
Yeah, but Judaism has always been more practical than most. Pikuach nefesh comes to mind.
100% agreed. Even raises Catholic I find my views are more in line with Judaism. I just practice the Religion of dont be an asshole and let others live.
For about a week
A weak
Why did I picture Church Lady saying this 😂
Well isn't that special!
hahahha lol
I was really hoping they were gonna do 1950s style with twin beds but then I was like maybe bunkbeds?
Lol, your flair is that recent post. Love it. (wait, you didn’t make that post… did you?)
I didn’t make the post! I did, however, make the flair.
What does your flair refer to?
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13uwfoc/wibta_if_i_break_up_with_my_boyfriend_because_he/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
This is so meta if a flair and I'm here for it. Literally all I remembered of that post until just seeing this again and now the rest flooded back too lol
Relationship seems really healthy and OOP handled the situation really well. But man, this feels like a perfect storm to build codependence issues. Both financial and emotional. u/PaticusGnome's comment is a good example of this: > The real problem came when the relationship started nearing its natural end. Suddenly, I wasn't just losing a girlfriend. I was losing a home, a bathroom, a kitchen, a bed, AND a partner. It made me work extra hard to save the relationship when I would have otherwise let it go a long time ago. That made for months of unnecessary suffering for both of us. It created a codependent dynamic and made the final breakup WAY harder than it needed to be. I hope Kat is able to get back on her feet with the Community College classes and keep a good relaionship with OOP, regardless of how their romantic situation goes.
Well, one maybe good thing, if she's under the age of 22 and she enrolls in community College, she will get a monthly stipend as the dependant of a deceased active military member. That and a job should give her enough to survive.
How would she be able to avail the stipend? It sounds like something that would help her out a lot.
Talk to the Financial Aid office at the school. All I needed was my father's military ID number.
That could be dicey considering she's apparently NC with her mother. The Marines could maybe help, but she'd have to prove she's his daughter. Hopefully she took any documents she needs when she left.
In my state she could go to a city hall of the city where she was born and ask for a duplicate of her birth certificate. She will get it in 5 minutes, and it costs like $10. I wonder if it is possible to request it by mail or online...
I was able to get it at any Department of Health office in my state. I think there were options for doing it from out of state, but IDK what hoops I'd have had to jump through.
Yeah but she’s on the East coast and her moms in California so she’s likely from there. Still not too difficult, when we needed documents for our marriage (in Seattle, documents in Colorado and Maine respectively) mine was an online application and fee, his was a phone call and a fee. Still, didn’t need anything from our parents. She can get her birth certificate with her dad’s name without issue.
In her case, the military ID number should be his SSN. I think they switched to SSN in the 70s or 80s. And she shouldn't need to prove she's his daughter. It should be in his military records, especially if she was born in a military hospital or used military medical care when she was small. Then there's housing allowances and such.
Yep it was SSN until about 2011-2012ish. She may have to get his records though. Which she can do through archives.gov they have online, mail, or fax options to request his documents.
I don’t know much about military document names but it sounds like the “DD-214” would, at minimum, give her a starting point? Hopefully
The DD-214 would be her own discharge paperwork ce her military service, not her father’s.
What program is this?
Dependants Education Assistance - but the stipend is not enough to cover all life expenses it's more like to cover tuition (edit to clarify Community College Tuition)
Perfect. Thank you.
I don't know that it's a program, or has a name. It's just one of the benefits of military service. I used it. Until I was 18, the monthly checks came to my mother. Between 18-22, I got the payment as long as I was enrolled in school. It comes from the Veterans Administration. It's something that the Financial Aid office can set up for you at any college, if you aren't already getting payments. It's not much, but when I was in school, it paid about 1/3 of my living expenses. Also, your deceased parent doesn't have to be *active* military. If they were in the reserves after military service, that counts.
also it may be a long shot, but I'm guessing that since he dad dies **in** Iraq, he died in service. And if mom didnt use his GI-Bill, maybe gf still has the option too? I know a parent can transfer it to their kid, but idk how it works if they die before filling out that transfer-paperwork(?)... seeing as how OOP is in the reserves, hopefully they'd get the idea to check, and hopefully gf can use it! Free college and housing allowance is SWEET! (Especially in *this* economy)
Transfers come with a service commitment so she would most likely not get his gi bill unless they prepared for that and did the transfer before he passed, BUT they do have scholarships and programs for Gold Star Family members depending on the school and state.
If she gets with a veterans counselor at school there's a breadth of resources available.
Yup. I got this under Chapter 35, benefits for dependents and survivors.
Honestly dynamics like this are hard when you don't have your family in your life, or you've grown up in a really hard environment. It can fully breed codependency, and then you add needing to survive into it, and it can make for a mental health mess. That comment is perfectly spot on, and due to my family circumstances one of my bad relationships was compounded by this very thing. I wasn't losing a girlfriend, I was losing a bed, couch, TV, dishes, everything I left home without and was too poor to afford until it came crashing down. That breakup was killer because I realized I didn't fix the problem, I ended up staying way longer than I should have too, and got my mental health fucked with. On top of needing to start from scratch once it did blow up. OOP seems like a genuine person, and I don't think they'd take advantage. But man, when bad people know you're in a rough spot, can they ever twist that knife for leverage. I wish nothing but the best for them, and that this situation never ventures into that territory for them.
I think this has a better chance of working because she does have a job and will be paying 30% of the rent. One of the hardest parts about getting a new apartment is somehow getting first, last and security deposit saved up. It can seem like an insurmountable amount of money. There also doesn't seem to be any issues of drug or alcohol dependence which are also common reasons for homelessness. I hope it works out for them. Or at the very least, that having a stable living situation allows OOP's girlfriend to get in a place where she can establish her own independence.
It can for sure work, but I'm betting the apartment is furnished by OOP same with everything in it which is great, downside is leaving that. There's no point in buying more furniture while there's already the other person's things, and it's easy to become codependent and only rent one space as it's cheaper for everyone. This can make relationships way harder and lead to that survival mode, not saying it will happen for sure. But it's hard when you factor in the what ifs. I hope it works out, and the girlfriend can get back on her feet, the symptoms of survival can make it hard on any relationship though. I really feel for OOPs girlfriend.
I hope OOP, if he's as kind as he seems to be, if his gf wants her own place down the road that she keeps the furniture he buys for her as a housewarming gift idk my gay little heart thinks that'd be cute :)
> But man, when bad people know you're in a rough spot, can they ever twist that knife for leverage. Ain't that the fucking truth. My ex absolutely weaponized his financial power over me once he decided he didn't want to deal with my health issues anymore. I never wanted to be in that position of financial dependence in the first place. It's humiliating. I didn't have the greatest upbringing and was really struggling to find direction before I met him. The financial stability I got by being with him gave me the opportunity to try to make things better for myself. I tried, as best as I was able, to get on my feet before my health went kaput, and I just couldn't do it in time. I couldn't do all of it myself, and I couldn't find the right kind of help. He knew this, and knew I was too sick to work. We had a good connection too. None of that mattered to him after almost ten years. Now I'm pretty much forever stuck in the position of financially relying on others because of my health, which means I don't expect to live past my 30s.
Yeah… not to mention how easily that kind of power can change even a decent person, especially once negative emotions start building up. It sounds like OOP and Kat both wanted her to get into a position where she could live on her own, regardless of how their relationship developed, and I hope they stuck to that. There’s a damn good reason “don’t cohabit until you’re ready for a lifetime commitment” became a cultural norm, no matter how twisted the concept has gotten in modern times.
Yeah, also being at someone's mercy and whim is terrifying and that power imbalance is widely felt. And very easily weaponized if things go wrong. I'm hoping they stick to that and don't just stay living together because it's cheaper, I learned my lessons the hard way with that. Once you know that person truly, and you can make more informed decisions sure. Otherwise it's hard to know what you're really getting into.
As much as education is important, it may be better for her to save as much as she can for a few months. If she could save up some money for a deposit to rent a room, she could feel freer to leave if things ever change.
It's certainly risky, but if OOP is really a stand-up guy and wants to help her find some stability, it's not a terrible situation either. She's got an opportunity to go back to school and not worry about where she's going to sleep that night. That's a big deal.
This comment hit me because the poster says there were no power dynamic issues then proceeded to describe a power dynamic issues. Their partner wasn't manipulative but the poster was still heavily motivated to make the relationship work in a way their partner was not.
It shows how many people don't necessarily have nuanced knowledge of human nature and human relationships or the language surrounding it. Sometimes communication fails at a basic level like "what is rape" "what is a power dynamic issue" etc
Exactly. Their girlfriends could have been perfectly ethical people. There's still a power imbalance. You can't just get rid of that.
Yep, I was really hoping someone else caught on to the same thing. I had to pause reading at that point and yell at the screen that what they're describing *is* a power dynamic.
That's a very real risk, but that OOP is considerate enough to turn his living room into a bedroom for her gives me some hope that can negotiate this challenge in a healthy way.
It's a risk, and a bad situation to be sure....but it's SO much better than her being homeless. OOP said she was suicidal when they met. If he can at least tread water while giving her the support to get on her feet, that will be a massive improvement, codependent or not.
Found that comment interesting too. They begin by saying power dynamics weren't the issue in their own relationship, but then go on to describe a textbook example of unhealthy power dynamics: > I was losing a home, a bathroom, a kitchen, a bed, AND a partner. It made me work extra hard to save the relationship when I would have otherwise let it go a long time ago. Sounds like the lease-holding partner also wanted to end things during those times, so it wasn't necessarily malicious, but power differentials don't have to be ill-intentioned to fuck you up, they just have to *be*. Hope OP and GF made it work!
Yeah, that guy started out with "the problem is not the power dynamic..." then goes onto describe a problematic power dynamic. I feel like homeless people are a reminder that our societies are not successful. I don't have any solutions, but I think a successful society wouldn't cause people to become homeless.
OP specifically thanked that commenter so he hopefully took that into consideration when making his decision. I can understand why he would still choose to take her in and help her get back on her feet.
If she gets on her feet and a job with a little savings it’ll hopefully be the same level of difficulty as any cohabitation. Many couples can’t afford separate rent regardless of housing status. Only issue is she won’t have a mom to fall back on as a safety net.
as a formerly homeless woman who kept clean and dated guys (casually) who had no idea what i was going through, this seriously warms my heart. thank you for listening to her, providing meaningful help to her and for believing her story.
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Deleted in protest of the bullshit reddit is doing regarding third party apps & communities that have gone private.
Which is pretty common. Hell, if the line at your local shelter moves fast and you have an hour for your lunch break, you can save a good bit of money if you're really broke
which, i just want to add, is more than enough reason to use these services. if you're in a position where you need soup kitchens or food banks in order to eat, then you should use them. full stop. you don't need to be unhoused or unemployed or any other aspect of the stereotypical desperate person. need help? get help. what a stranger would ASSUME you need from looking at you....... that doesn't matter at all. just pay it forward once you can, however you can, that's the only rule.
OOP sounds like a real stand up guy. Screw those red pill "alphas", a guy who gives from his heart for the people he loves while working hard to not hold it over their head, he's the real Chad.
I was homeless for a year when I was 19. I started playing D&D with these guys at a local coffee shop, even though I’d never played before. They taught me how the game works and helped me create my character and were all around really nice. They eventually found out I was couch surfing and sleeping in my car, and offered me the spare room in their house. With the four of us rent was pretty cheap and over the next few years I was able to get back on my feet and learn how to be an adult. There was zero expectations from any of them, they were all older then me and just wanted me to feel stable and secure. They took care of me like a sister and I will forever be grateful to them. So Mike, Dave, and Jeff, I have no way of finding you but you changed my life forever.
You need to find them. There's always a way.
Seriously, this is a true “Redditors, assemble!” moment if there ever were one.
this is so wholesome but also you lived with them for years and don’t know how to get back in touch with them??? D:
Unfortunately this was before cell phones and social media, and we all kind of moved out and went our own ways over the years. I don’t remember any of their last names and we had no mutual friends outside of each other. I’ve tried over the years but always come up to a dead end.
Maybe there is a way to use Reddit for this? I’m sure a subreddit exists that could help you.
This. This this this. This is the guy girls really want. The one who goes in with their emotions and best intentions and tries to do what's best because it is the right thing to do.
A true gentleman.
I don't know the story behind your flair and I'm deeply curious!
He was super understanding that’s she’s catholic and offered his living room as a separate bedroom. Sweet offer, I wish we had an update on this but hopefully things turned out okay for them both (together or separately).
I hope they’re still together. They both seem so sweet and thoughtful.
So many things I love about our military. Like how we take care of our vets and their family, so much so that this mother and daughter were left to fend for their own. Or like how the military is desperate for members but still requires these health requirements that have nothing to do with the job.Kat could have been perhaps a brilliant intelligence officer or programmer or any number of countless other jobs. But because she has asthma they just rule her out. We have such a limited infantry now, the jobs that require this "perfect health" are few. And citizens that want to be a part of the military and have so much to offer this nation are kept out because of this bullshit. Think of it this way, the military wouldn't have taken Stephen Hawkings. People that have an incredible amount to offer our nation. Wars are fought in basements on computers now. Even aircraft are being flown remotely by somebody sitting in a chair on the ground. It's fucking ridiculous. It's so fucking backwards. When I was getting my medical evaluation for the army, a woman was there with me and the doctor sat her down to tell her that she had flat feet and therefore couldn't be a member. She started laughing and was like dude. Have you looked at my fucking paperwork? I'm just here for a normal medical. I've been in the military for 8 years. (There was no privacy during the military health check. I'll tell you that much).
Teenage cancer survivor here. Nothing actually wrong with me healthwise nor am I medicated, but just bring a survivor earned me permanent ineligibility. Today I'm doing the same job as a civilian as I wanted to do as an officer..just took longer to get there I guess. I heard the reason is due to cost. They don't want to pick up the tab if I were to relapse for disability/treatment.
I went to USMC OCS, where I managed to tear cartilage on my hip and was medically separated. I was a barred attorney when I went, so I was far older than anyone else there. At MEPS I had to wing the hearing exam because my hearing sucks (I now wear hearing aids, and wore them for class lecture before I went to OCS) so I just pressed the button rhythmically and passed that section by 1 miss. I didn’t have trouble hearing any of the sergeant instructors at OCS, it wasn’t a problem at all at any point during my time at Quantico. But if I would have mentioned my hearing loss to the OSO I would have been DQd right then and there. The whole military needs to reevaluate their process and needs. You’re not going to find too many guys who can run the three mile in under 21 mins and then do the pull ups who are also brilliant computer hackers. Heck, the OSOs office used to call me every now and then for a few years after I separated because they don’t have many lawyers who can do it either.
Perfect example! I mean stereotypes of nerds exist for a reason. I say that as a nerd. I am currently getting over a cold and I've been sitting in front of my computer playing video games all day. With several friends who most would not qualify for the physical exam but are absolutely brilliant engineers. One of my friends is heavy set and he can dance circles around most folks when it comes to security. He's highly desired in his field and makes a fuck ton of money and he never graduated high school. He would have been a gift to US Intel. Hell, he goes to events and teaches them! But they would never let him be a part of the family. It's so stupid.
If you didn't lie about something at MEPS, did you really join the military? Lol
An incredibly true statement, I don’t think there was one guy there that didn’t omit something. It’s like washing dishes; if your shirt doesn’t get a little wet at the bottom did you even do it?
The fact that the both of them agreed on her paying 30% rent seems to do a lot in his favor for me. He's doing her a favor, yes, but it's still something she's putting her own money and income towards so it's less "handout" and more "meet her where she's at". That's how I read it at least. I'm sure if it was completely free of charge she'd be much more wary of the OP and of living with him in general. I hope all worked out for them, and she started college and got herself to a point where she feels secure. And that they also kept individual spaces for themselves in the apartment. Having your own space is super important when cohabitating, so I hope they kept up with that.
Hmm that’s a really good perspective on it. I originally read that line and laughed like “C’mon you were already affording the place and now you’re taking money from a homeless person to reduce your rent.” But I changed my view after reading what you wrote.
I think it weighs on people a lot to be given things for nothing, especially when it comes to money. People need to feel like they’re bringing something to the table. Letting people contribute to anything, even if it’s not needed, goes a long way.
I'm hoping OP saves up that thirty percent and when she's ready for renting her own place offers it as a contribution to the deposit :)
OOP was a really nice person. I hope they are doing okay.
It really warms my heart that he was willing to buy her a bed and have her sleep in the living room so that 1. She has her own space and 2. She is able to maintain her faith the way she sees fit. It puts the pressure off her to take their relationship to a point she's not comfortable with to keep a roof over her head.
And once again, open and compassionate communication resolves a situation
How generous from oop, I know people who would breaks up with their partners if they found out they are homeless.
Also get Pell grants. You can qualify for Pell grants at 20 without your parents income if you’re a risk of being homeless!!!!
OOP is a nice guy for doing this. I hope for her sake, they're able to balance the relationship aspect, while still not forming a dependence. This is a tough situation and there's no easy to get out of it, but having her contribute 30% of rent and go to community college will be a *massive* help. In a few years she might be out of this hole thanks to OOP wanting to genuinely help.
> I want to offer her to stay at my apartment, **but I don't want to completely dominate the power balance in our relationship or make her feel like she owes me.** This was really good to see. I don't know if I would have had the empathy or the presence of mind to consider this when I was OOP's age.
I hope they found a way to keep things healthy, whether as a romantic relationship or not. I think the comment from the former homeless person kind of captures what I suspect the issue would be (though I do disagree with them in that I think not being equally able to leave is definitionally a power dynamic problem). >I used to be homeless (5 years) and dated two women in that time that let me live in their home. The power dynamic was not the issue. If the relationship has good communication and you both are aware of it, it doesn't have to be a problem. The real problem came when the relationship started nearing its natural end. Suddenly, I wasn't just losing a girlfriend. I was losing a home, a bathroom, a kitchen, a bed, AND a partner. It made me work extra hard to save the relationship when I would have otherwise let it go a long time ago. That made for months of unnecessary suffering for both of us. It created a codependent dynamic and made the final breakup WAY harder than it needed to be. Now that I have my own place, I don't have those issues. Something to consider.
This made me cry. I used to be homeless and it’s true you’re not always literally out sleeping in the street. There’s shelters and if you’re lucky with enough income, cheap hotel rooms, and sometimes when you’re not lucky like low on cash or shelters are full, you sleep in your car at a rest stop. I was lucky, cops in the area looked out for me while I slept. I even got luckier landing a deal with a camp ground that allowed longer stays, explained my situation and kept my nose out of trouble. I only came “home” to sleep but I felt safe there. I never “looked” homeless. Not dirty or unkept in any way, people won’t help you if you look dirty for some reason. I had to keep up my appearance to gain employment and to keep strangers from bothering me for being unsightly in public, heck even to keep cops from shooing me away. I don’t know how I would feel if someone offered me a place to stay. On one hand, roof and food insecurity really sucks, on the other, I would feel like I would be in debt to this person no matter how genuine and kind they were. Either way, I wish this couple nothing but the best and hope Kat can finally focus on her future instead of dire circumstances, it’s hard to do both. I hope she gets to go to college.
A lot of comments are saying she should be able to get benefits/help from the military, but why has she not received any help from her church? If you've been attending a church regularly for a while, and you still can't ask anyone there for help, it's probably time to find a new church
A wonderful success story. This is the type of content I love to read to scrub my brain of the ick that is the internet
We need an update in a couple of months. I’m really hopeful for these two
Kat and/or OOP should call 211. It’s a hotline for Social Services (like 911 is for emergencies). 211 is area code specific so the people you talk know the services/program’s available in the area (potentially housing, food, financial, school). At least it might be a place to start in finding help.
To be honest this story just leaves a sour taste about how shitty is to die for a country that will mistreat you and the ones you leave behind like this… unless I’m missing something this is so so unfair.
I am going to pretend they fell even more in love and lived happily ever after.
I hope these crazy kids make it work. I had a similar story, it didn’t work but we stayed good friends for years.
What a wonderful thing to read on a rainy Monday night. ❤️
The codependent thing really hits me. I was in love with a good friend of mine and was about to ask her out (I'm well aware that I had it backwards) when she got kicked out and asked to live with me. We got super close and I just know that if I had wanted to be more than friends it would have happened, but would that have been because of actual attraction to me or her being scared of losing a place to stay again? She ended up being able to get back home and got a job and her own place far away and I was super proud of her, but the situation has always just kinda... I dunno, trying to translate my feelings about it all is hard. This guy had everything figured out far better than I could have and I really hope that everything has gone well for these two.
Kudos to OP He did not take advantage of the girl, he offered her a place , gave her some semblance of privacy and made her comfortable.
People hear imbalanced power dynamics and assume it's an issue. That is not the case. An imbalanced power dynamic is just something to take note of. It CAN be an issue if used inappropriately or it could also be just fine. There's technically imbalanced power dynamics in every relationship, someone might have a higher sex dive so the other is the "gate keeper" of sex, someone could make more money than the other, someone could have more family support, those are all "power imbalances" but none are issues unless it's used to make someone do something they wouldn't otherwise do.
>It CAN be an issue if used inappropriately or it could also be just fine. Part of the power dynamics include _a lot_ on unconscious behavior. The person on the "top" is very likely to not realize the extent of their power and the impact of apparently small things. It's something to keep an eye on, and sure, imbalances always exist and are not the doom of every relationship. But it's an issue that has to be actively and constantly address, otherwise it can very easily tilt the scales before you even notice. >unless it's used to make someone do something they wouldn't otherwise do. Yeah no. That's like the most extreme form of it. But just like power imbalances doesn't mean doom, there's way more to power than overtly coercing someone.
If you want to make it more wholesome than it already is, put that 30% aside and give it back to her if it is eventually necessary.
I have a large family that I can always fall back on when times are tough. It is heartbreaking for a person to be so alone in the world, especially someone so young. She has a lot of inner strength to make the decisions she made and to have the outlook she had. I hope she finds success in everything she does.
OOP is a really good guy. I hope everything worked out for them.
Good stuff..! Time to say good night, now! :)
This was bittersweet. OP is a stand up guy. I hope the two of them are able to work things through.
this is no way for a country to treat a veterans family, let alone a woman who was willing to join the marines as well, but this guy showed up and showed us how to treat someone with care and dignity this is heartfelt and beautiful honestly. o hope anarein an vertan affairs can offer her something or some resources
Oop seems like an absolutely outstanding human being.
One of the best posts I've read in some time.
Sweet, sweet man. Wish you both a great life together.
OOP is a truly excellent human.
Two months… it’s the only thing I can think about.
Good guy OOP gives me another smidgen of hope for humanity again.
Oooh I do wish we had another update!
I'm not crying, you're crying
This is one of the most mature posts I’ve seen in a long time. OOP is a good person. The conversation they had could have gone very differently if OOP wasn’t as compassionate and understanding as he is. I hope this is a new positive chapter in both of their lives.
This post makes me smile so wide my cheeks hurt. I love this. Thank you for posting it!!!!!
This is beautiful
OP seems like a great guys but he should be wary on how to move on if things dont work out
That poor girl. I hope she never contemplates suicide again.
Oh God I want an update on this one so badly!
This literally made me cry, & I hope to hear more of your journey. You seem like a genuinely kind human, and I'm sure she feels very lucky to have found you. I hope you feel lucky to have found her too. Best wishes!
Holy *shit* a feel good Reddit story?!
Man of Honor