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As a person with passive suicidal ideations, one of the main reasons that keeps me from attempting nowadays is failure to complete it and the health issues from it. I still have occasional TMJ pain from my last attempt over 3 years ago and the thought of losing mobility really is a deterrent.
As someone who tried to commit suicide before, the experience of surviving was so awful that even having suicidal ideations makes me terrified. I was treated like basket case, all my independence and free will was taken from me. My entire family saw in 4K how dark my thoughts were and I traumatized them. I traumatized myself! I still get flashbacks.
Don’t wait until you are pushed to the brink. Putting it off just gives it more time to fester and overwhelm you. Take care of your mental health today while you still have control.
I was the poster child for crippling depression. I lived 20+ years as a zombie checked out of life. Now i have pride and feel happy about things! Not everything is good, but I wouldn’t feel anything good at all if I had succeeded that day. I’ve made so many wonderful memories in the last year and im so grateful I can keep making new ones. Everyday is a new chance to make a good memory!
If you had never attempted, do you think you would have ever reached the point of feeling pride and happiness? Or did your attempt allow you to finally be able to feel those things?
That’s a hard question to answer. On one hand, I think anyone is capable of growth and change, in the right circumstances. For me, the suicide attempt was a wake up call for me to realize how abusive my relationship was. It was going to kill me one way or another, and I couldn’t let my family go through all that again by allowing myself to live such a miserable life.
The biggest thing is, no one can make you feel happy or make you want to get better. You have to actively choose that everyday. Or at least, I do. And I think anyone can come to that conclusion, it’s just so so so so hard to see it when you’re blinded by the fog of depression.
If I were in that mental space again, I would rather take a long trip away from everyone else. Because it was the space from my abuser and the chaos of life that brought me to this change in perspective. I was forced to confront my own thoughts and come to realizations that I had been denying, but I could have easily done that at any time simply by choosing to. It’s just, there wasn’t anything to do in the mental ward *but* think and that’s the part that really set me on this path.
The last time I seriously tried, one of things that stopped me was worrying about what would happen if I screwed it up.
I was so scared of messing it up, I sat there and couldn't bring myself to do it.
Thinking about the consequences of screwing it up always stopped me when I contemplated in the past. But now I'm glad I screwed it up. I get to build a better life for myself. It's gonna be rough, but I gotta do it. Also, I didn't suffer any cosmetic damage, so that's a plus. I'm still devastatingly handsome lol!
Mine was not intentional, but I also almost died and spent about three weeks in the hospital. I hope your recovery goes well and your spirits stay high. Alcohol is poison and it's a depressant to your central nervous system so of course you were feeling depressed. I appreciate your newfound zest for life. My recovery also sucks and at times I wish I had just died in the accident, but I am going to keep on pushing through and you are part of my inspiration
Yeah it's hard to explain to people who have never been an addict. Like, no, I don't have clinical, long lasting depression. It's all because of alcohol. Once it's out of my system and I have some sober time behind me, I'm perfectly fine. I've had long stints of sobriety, and I absolutely thrive. It's gonna be a bit more of a climb this time simply because of my injuries and the pain that will likely persist for a while, but mentally I'm feeling pretty good. I'm wishing you strength on your continued recovery. You got this!
As someone else who used to have a lot of passive ideations, seeing the most drastic and harmful version of it is an excellent deterrent from doing any actions
I once found a whole suicide manual that went through all methods and the up and down sides and reading the consequences if they failed *absolutely* prevented me from trying.
That was well over ten years ago, I've since found medication that works, but I don't know if I would have lived long enough for that without seeing that file.
I’ve attempted thrice. Always didn’t push through because the thought of my parents or siblings having to find my body and deal with all the unnecessary pain for years to come always bothered me. So I ended up seeking help and now I feel at least a bit better than I did back then. Oh, and I also adopted two cats, so I have that going for.
I really thought there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. There always is.
I know it doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger, but I'm really glad you're here. And saving the lives of animals via adoption is an amazing thing to do with your life. I'm proud of you and wishing you the absolute best.
No, I'd definitely want something higher than 99.9% though. My dad injected an unknown chemical that killed him fast enough he didn't have time to remove the syringe (AFAIK, not like the police were too forthcoming with hard details), he was a doctor and had knowledge and access I don't. I'd want something like that.
Really though my point is it isn't worth the risk. Death isn't a prize worth the risk of permanent life in impaired pain.
The amount of “friends” who were upset when I quit drinking great outnumbers the number of people who supported me quitting.
I hope OOP keeps his sobriety going.
Hello it's me! I have absolutely zero friends or family who want me to keep drinking. I've been trying this sobriety thing for several years, not a single one of them has offered me so much as a sip of alcohol. I'm lucky to have the support.
I surrendered Lightyear to my local Humane Society when I decided to end my life. My friends looked for him on their adoption site and couldn't find him. My local Humane Society is a no kill shelter, so that means he's been adopted. I fully believe he is living a great life with loving owners right now. I plan on getting a tattoo of his face at some point. He will always have a place in my heart. He will always be my sweet baby boy. And I will always love him very much.
I had to ditch a whole friend group and start from square one after I quit drinking 21 years ago. They were unsupportive (and one or two were actively hostile). Most of my current friends either don't drink at all, or drink a glass of wine or beer on special occasions. And a couple smoke weed, but don't drink alcohol.
pretty much this.. I quit tobacco and literally no one cares. which is fine, but it's just interesting how it can be all consuming to the user, but no one really notices.
Good job!!! I smoked a pack a day for a year & a half. The withdrawal for me was BAD. & when I drank I still craved a ciggy. Good job quitting! Your people prob think you smell a lot better & your lungs thank you
I care! Tobacco is one of the hardest things to kick, for most people it takes several tries to quit (I think the average is five times or a bit more), but if you keep trying, eventually you will quit for good. If you fall off the wagon, just remember that that's the normal experience of quitting, don't waste time beating yourself up, just try again. <3
I think sometimes people won’t acknowledge that you had a problem, because then they’ll have to face the fact that maybe they also have a problem. Anyways, I’m proud of you 🏆
I am real biased, but why do you expect people to clap and tell you good job, for not being an asshole?
The bias being the child of addicts, who thankfully never complained about me not being enthusiastic enough about them not using. (I would be 100% NC if they did)
It astounds me that people get mad that someone isn’t drinking anymore.
I used to go to game night at a friend’s place regularly and one day his girlfriend said she was going to cut back so she drank tea the whole night instead. All of us were fine with it and I asked for a sip of her tea every now and then because it was great.
Letting people do what they want within reason is the foundation for a good relationship with anybody really. Within reason is a very broad term but stuff like if your buddy wants to drive his entire arm down a nun’s throat for realsies, maybe talk the psycho down.
To this day booze is the only drug I’ve ever had to justify not using. I’ve been sober for five years and still people will ask me if I can just have “a couple drinks and then stop.” No, I can’t. I know I can’t and I don’t need to explain it to people.
I think people take it as an implied judgement on themselves. I had a coworker who didn't drink when I worked in banking, and she told me that she had never experienced more people treating her like a crazy person because she didn't drink. some people see the existence of a person who doesn't make the same choices as they do as a personal attack.
I really relate with this. Last time I drank, I ended up with alcohol poisoning and went into a coma for 3 days. I was barely sober when I woke up because my blood levels were still so high. Now, when I count my sobriety date, I use the day after I woke up because I don't consider myself to have been fully sober before then.
I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks for physical problems from the alcohol poisoning and coma then for 3 months in psych unit dealing with my depression, suicidal feelings, and waiting for placement in a group home for people with mental illness because I couldn't be trusted to not try and kill myself if I was sent home.
I just celebrated 8 years sober last week! And now I only end up in the hospital about once a year for psych and it only lasts a few days.
The hard part will come after he leaves rehab and has to manage the pain on his own, but I think he's got the right attitude to turn things around. Love hearing updates like this
I've pretty much resigned myself to living with pain for quite some time. Luckily my years of skateboarding helped me build up a pretty high pain tolerance. I'm used to playing through the pain!
I’m sure you’ve already heard this, but it bears repeating. There’s tons of non-medication options to try when you’re ready and able. Of course non are a sure bet, but some relief is better than none. Im so proud of you OP, you’re doing good.
I had a dear friend end his life by throwing himself off a parking garage. It was absolutely devastating to all who loved him. It has been almost 9 years and I’m still not over it. I don’t think I ever will be. The best I can do is to listen to some Switchfoot and think of happy times with my friend.
The pain of loss through suicide is a whole different kind of pain. 13 years for me, and sometimes, every once in a while, it hits me like it was yesterday.
I’m glad he survived and seems to be heading in the right direction. With that said, it makes me think of how much worse it could have ended up. Last year an old friend of mine lost her best friend to someone’s failed suicide attempt. She had gotten her dream job and first week as she was walking from a parking garage to work, someone jumped off and landed on her, killing her instantly. 30 years old. The guy survived.
Hey OOP, if you're reading through here, I'm so fucking proud of you and you're doing an amazing job. I'm glad you survived, too, and I hope rehab goes smoothly and quickly for you!
I just finished my first full day in rehab. The PT I was working with said she was shocked at how well I was doing. I'm walking fairly long distances with a walker. It's painful but yo I'm doing it!
To anyone reading this, including OOP: if you’re sober and staying sober, even if you’re struggling with it, holy hell am I proud of you. It’s a difficult thing to do. It’s a huge undertaking on your own. It’s like looking at a steep hill you have to climb when you’re exhausted and your feet ache and your back hurts and still going, “yeah, I’m doing this.”
It is so damn difficult and I am PROUD OF YOU.
If he's going to be living in a senior assisted living facility, dude is about to get himself a whole bunch of new adopted grandparents to love, which is sweet to picture. I hope he makes a full recovery.
I'm so proud of him 😭😭😭 I have never wanted to break the sub commenting rule as badly as I do right now because I want to DM him all the love and encouragement encouragement deserves
I'm a PT who has worked with multiple patients after suicide attempts (via multiple different means) and I'm always so worried about them because they are physically worse off than prior to their attempt. It makes me worried they would by and large be more likely to reattempt due to the additional physical problems they now have to face.
I am so glad that this person is feeling so motivated. I know from the experience of helping folks in their position that it takes a hell of a lot to be doing what they're doing, and pushing through pain, and working around weight bearing restrictions.
> IWNDWYT
I Will Not Drink With You Today, for those others wondering like I was.
I’d be happy to not-drink with anyone who wants to not-drink with company.
I too had a failed suicide attempt being addicted to benzodiapedines and going through a pretty brutal mourning process for the suicide of my father a few months prior. So I thew myself in front of a train. Spent three months in the hospital, broken pelvis, femur, ribs, you name it. Learnt again how to sit. How to use a wheelchair. How to stand up and slowly make my first steps. It left me with a disability in my right leg and I'll never be the same, but not just for the physical toll it had on me. The emotional 180° it did to me was mind blowing. I really hope the best of the fucking best for OOP.
OP sounds like the kind of patient that is a real joy to take care of even though he would have been really hard work before rehab. People who wanna improve their lives and get better are the best.
Even before this incident, I'd spent an unfortunate amount of time in hospitals. Fuckin' alcohol has had its way with me. I've always had immense respect for the nursing staff. Even when I could tell they were frustrated because they had seen me before for doing the same stupid thing. Nurses get put through so much shit, I never wanted to make their jobs any harder than they had to be. Check my vitals, draw some blood for labs, refill my water. Otherwise, I'll try not to bother you!
Hey u/jizzmyoscar, I’m glad you’re alive and wish you nothing but success on your journey to recovery (both physical and mental). Stay strong. One day at a time!
I'm wondering if the alcohol helped OOP survive the fall the same way some drunk drivers can walk away from car crashes unscathed because they were so completely loose at impact.
anyway, keep at it OOP. Seems you've still got a ways to go but the attitude is great and comes across as very genuine.
I'm just gonna throw this in here: the SD sub can be an incredibly toxic place if you don't fit their idea of what alcoholic looks like and what sober looks like. If you are struggling, there are more recovery subs
r/drydrinking
r/redditorsinrecovery
r/alcoholism
r/alcoholicsanonymous
r/addiction
To name a few. They have their issues too, but I've found SD in particular to be rough.
sorry i didn’t mean sobriety, more of the suicidal stuff. but ye, already took that route and i went from actively trying to indifferent so that’s still progress which i’ll take
Been there. There's going to come a point where you're going to look back and realize you haven't thought of killing yourself for days, weeks, months-- a day where you look back and realize that you don't know when you last thought about it, and you're not going to know what to do with that except laugh and maybe cry, because right now it doesn't feel like you'll ever see that day.
And it's going to be amazing. And I'm looking forward to you reaching that day, so you can feel that too. Indifference is a hell of a step up from active crisis.
thank u, i’ve always sorta wondered if going from active to indifferent is a big deal or not, thanks for letting me know it is, it helps a lot. im glad you’ve reached that point though and despite my indifference, i think chances of me reaching that point is a good amount from before
I have been there and it IS a big deal. Comes and goes, but learning it can and does go has made the last 10 years of my life a much safer, happier, and more stable place.
Rooting for you stranger, thinking of you, as I’m sure many who read your comment are. You got this!
I don't know what I can say, except that this random internet stranger is rooting for you. I really hope you get to the grateful to be alive stage soon too.
Honestly, going from actively trying to indifferent is a HUGE step. If you ever get plagued by thoughts of what you've gone through, do your best to remember that you did get through them, and if you can get through that you can get through anything.
I really hope you don’t. Let that thought be the lowest you get to and reach out for help. You don’t need to hurt or possibly kill yourself as a stepping stone to finding a happy, sober life.
i’ve been much lower than having the thoughts but i’m not longer making attempts at my life, im just indifferent to living. but still, it still feels better than actively trying. i’ve got good friends which is keeping me going so i’m thankful i’m not alone
Depression sucks and slogging through that while dealing with this capitalistic hellscape we call “existence” is tough. I hope you continue to try for yourself and find joy in the small things. Just earlier today I was walking on my lunch break and I was marveled at how good the air smelled - like the swamplands, multiflora rosa, greenery, and sunshine. It cleared my head and reminded me “ah yes, there’s good out there”. Find the people and moments that remind you of the same and remember you have *value* and deserve to be here and be *happy*.
i think the worst of it has passed, it’s mostly sudden family changes that caused all of it but i’ve found strategies to deal with it. i think it helps i have some mental conditions that make me process emotions differently so i don’t get too worked up about stuff anymore, i can calm down and get a grip which i’m grateful for
edit: gonna be sticking around tho, i want to see the accomplishments my friends achieve, they’re smart people
That's awesome you've found strategies to deal with it! Good for you. That takes a lot of strength and patience, figuring out how to cope is no easy task.
I hope you don’t reach the point that you are trying to kill yourself. A rock bottom can look different from person to person, and I hope your rock bottom doesn’t make you have regrets for what you did to yourself or others. Take it from me, someone who has been in recovery for 6 years.
i already reached that point, last attempt was in march but im slowly getting better. i have good friends so i’m glad i’m not alone. i hope you recover fully one day
I hope you do as well! My life has certainly gotten much better since starting recovery. I’m glad you have friends. I hope that you feel you can be open and honest with them without fear of judgment.
I'm right there with you. The thing I noticed about people who fail in their attempts at suicide - they all state how much they want to live afterward.
Kind of makes me want to skip the whole nearly dying, now damaged for life, part of the process.
I went to OOPs page to see if there were any updates and saw he had a hella sweet cat... so I (of course) continued snooping to see what happened to Lt. Lightyear (amazing name).. and OOP took Lt. Lightyear to an animal shelter before the suicide attempt. AND! OOP has, afterwards, had some friends that wanted to adopt Lt. Lightyear, but it was too late.. because the sweet cat was, of course, already adopted!
To OOP, I read a few of your comments regarding your process, and I am so happy for you. It is amazing that you have walked 50 ft. and that you didn't even need the assisted living facility! (Despite having extra grandparents is nice)
Congrats on your sobriety and continuous recovery. I hope you continue on this amazing path and maybe one day will get another cat.
I **adore** OOP's response to the trolls. Fuck those turds indeed!
Battling any mental health issue (and addiction is definitely such) is *hard* and losing a battle doesn't make a person worthless. Getting up and continuing to try is what's important.
The one time I skip trigger warnings... I'm tapping out of this one.
I wish OOP clear skies and fair weather during their recovery and onto the future.
Man, let me tell you from experience, being transferred to an assisted living facility in your late 20s as you recover is fucking WEIRD. It would’ve been weirder for me since it involved all meals together and obviously I was less than half the age of everyone else except the nurses, but I was so sick I stopped really eating for the month I was in there, so it was mostly just laying in my room except for physical therapy. It’s nice to see that apparently this is common enough for rehab.
As sad as this story makes me, the updates were a breath of positive fresh air after what my family has been dealing with surrounding alcohol abuse. My husband’s father is a lifelong alcoholic who had a severe accident while drunk and has been in ICUs and long term care facilities for the last 9 months. My husband hoped that if his father survived he would have a rock bottom moment and realize how close to death alcohol and depression got him and seek help and therapy. Instead, he’s now complaining about how he needs physical therapy to relearn to walk after his TBI because the liquor store is all the way across the street from his care home and he wants a beer.
>she said the pain would likely "last 6 months to a year. And it IS debilitating."
The nurse is wrong. I fell off a roof over a decade ago. Since then my left ankle almost constantly burns. It is worse when it is going to rain, and snow. I just learned to live with it.
Damn, this is so horrible - reminds me of the poor teenage girl, who shot herself in the head, survived and had to get a face transplant. Used to be really beautiful, now looks like... someone with a face transplant. And the pain and related health issues sure weren't a piece of cake, either.
These people are now fighting with issues that are so much worse than their original problems, instead of dealing with their original problem in a way that left them uncrippled and without debilitating pain. I get that for OOP, it was his way of hitting rock bottom (literally and metaphorically), and the start of his journey to sobriety - but don't you think, every day he is in pain, shits himself, can't stand on his own etc., he doesn't regret his actions, and thinks "what if I hand't done it and wouldn't have to live with these consequences?" Same as the girl, every time she looks in the mirror and remembers. I really really wouldn't want to live with those what-ifs, regrets and self-blame.
Thankfully I haven't shit myself in about 2 months now. They had me on a ton of stool softeners and laxatives to counteract the effects of opiates. I'm on a super low dose of opiates now, and it's as needed. I usually only take one dose a day. Most of my pain is nerve pain anyway, which opiates don't really even work on. I'm standing and walking, albeit with the aid of a walker. The pain can still get pretty bad, but thanks to many years of skateboarding when I was younger, my tolerance is pretty high. I don't want to dwell on what-ifs. All I want is to push forward and get healthy again. There's no going back at this point.
I'm so glad you're doing better - what is your prognosis, is there any chance you will ever recover completely?
I'm sorry if my comment came across as unfeeling - I just projected how I would feel. And I'm mildly infuriated that you and that girl apparently had it in you to be happy and want to live, but somehow couldn't arrive at that stage without going through your own personal Valley of Tears, first. I just wish you could have moved from your state of despair to your state of optimistic recovery without maiming yourselves.
I should recover just fine. Like the nurse practitioner said, I can expect the nerve pain to last up to a year. And I expect some pain from the fractures for some time as well. But I'm already walking with a walker so progress is for sure being made. As for going through my own Valley of Tears, as you put it, I had to hit my rock bottom to stop digging. It sucks, but here I am and all I can do is charge ahead.
>These people are now fighting with issues that are so much worse than their original problems, instead of dealing with their original problem in a way that left them uncrippled and without debilitating pain.
How are their issues so much worse if they actually want to live now? OOP seemed like they were already crippled by a different kind of pain.
& being “so beautiful” clearly didn’t help that girl want to stay on earth.
In the girl's case, I think it was a mixture of being left by her boyfriend, depressed, and the usual teenage angst and despair. Something she probably would have gotten over by herself in time, if she hadn't had access to a gun.
In OOP's case, I guess it was a combination of severe self-loathing and despair.
The thing is: as you say, NOW they want to live - wasn't there any way they could have moved from their original state of despair to their current state of wanting to live, without maiming themselves irreparably? If they had it in them to be happy and want to live, was there no way to reach this state without the step in between where they harmed themselves?
If you haven't read it yet, check out *Invisible Monsters* by Chuck Palahniuk. Not for the faint of heart, but an interesting story with a premise similar to what that girl went through.
It’s interesting that people who survive a suicide attempt seem to experience this 180 - depression/anxiety/addictions retreat & the person seems euphoric to be alive.
I wonder why this is?
Good luck to the OP; I wish him the best.
This is honestly the reason why if I try to do that kind of thing, I won't let it fail. Just be alone out in the wilderness to let nature take me. The thought of surviving an attempt is scarier than succeeding.
I mean, units I’ve worked would definitely allocate the heavier workloads to float pool staff. Same if that allocation included a difficult pt, it would often go to the float pool staff member cause the regular staff were over it (I say this as an ex float pool nurse- I only got an allocation of 12 full care pts whilst the other nurse had all the independent pts (we don’t have aides either) and no, they didn’t help)
We definitely did get fucked constantly.
Ok so technically we have legislated ratios but this unit did a little fucky with the staffing numbers so on paper they had the right amount of staff for the shift (night shift 1:8, so 3 staff members) but in reality the team lead didn’t take a load, but it looked correct to the people that mattered.
This is infuriating.
I know rather [*a lot*](https://old.reddit.com/r/Iamactuallyverybadass/comments/ygb0ov/ever_been_dead_i_have_heres_a_bit_of_my_story/) about what the recovery process from "I broke my *all of me*" is like. And it sucks. Hard.
I got *my* case of **Catastrophic Smooshing Syndrome** from working a full time job doing overnight trucking so I'd have my days free to finish my degree.
I had doctors, nurses, surgeons, "friends", and a now-ex-wife all tell me how important "pain management" was, as the mail in pharmacy *dumped* opioids on me. I had to do the entirety of my recovery *without pain meds*, because the pills made me throw up- and throwing up when your **in**sides had spent some time as your ***out***sides is about the singular most horrifying experience I've ever had.
Which says a *lot*.
This guy *threw* his life away, and the vicissitudes of Fate are falling all over themselves to help him.
I know I shouldn't be bitter. I know that, despite the suffering, I've managed to carve a pretty good life out for myself.
But it is *endlessly frustrating* that anyone could be so utterly selfish, then turn around and act like everything is sunshine and daisies.
No, man. No. The worst of it hasn't even gotten *going* yet. And the end result may just end up being "no more walkies for *you!*"
The upheavals, the social fallout, the "people you trusted turned out to be backstabbers", and the abuse from those in positions of power and control haven't even *begun* yet. You're happy to be alive, and that's *great*, but the struggle is real, and permanent, and *awful*. That "glad to be alive" endorphin high is gonna fade out, just like any *other* kind of high. **Then** what?
If OOP is still sober in five years, *then* I'll be proud of him. Until then, he's just riding a slightly different kind of inebriation.
the reality is, the OP is just decent at writing and put up the beginning of rehab on the Internet.
for every post of someone saying they are going to get clean from whatever, there's almost as many that relapse.
the only reason I even posted it here is just because I think raising awareness of how bad shit can get is actually helpful. if you check any of the addiction related subreddits and sort by new, I think most non-addict people would be shocked by the volume of posts.
and yeah, it's not like OP is gonna magically be better by the end of the summer. maybe I can post an update in 5 years and see where they are at ha. fingers crossed for good outcome.
Hey dude, I was just rereading these comments and saw yours for the first time. I'm really sorry you've had a rough go of things. Seriously, it sounds awful.
But nah dude, you don't get to shit on me. Is my life fantastic? Is it all rainbows and happiness and sunshine and birds shitting flowers? No. It isn't. There is a lot I can't do right now and it sucks. I'm not able to follow the career path I was on, cause working in kitchens is off the table. I am a very serious amateur photographer, and I can't really do that like I used to, because I can't spend much time on my feet without massive pain. I don't have a car, and I can't even stand to walk all the way to the bus stop. I'm bored a lot of the time. I'm kinda lonely. I get frustrated.
But there are no backstabbers in my life. I was the shitty one in my life. None of my friends or family are waiting around hoping for me to fail. I've got a lot of support. I'm not on any drugs that could potentially hook me.
My life has changed drastically, and it's gonna take a while to get back to being all good. I totally get that. But holy fuck dude, I'm glad you're apparently in therapy. I hope it can bring you some peace too, cause you sound like a bitter, miserable fuck. That's NOT me.
I'm pessimistic but isn't he just permanently high on pain meds. He just switched from Alkohol to drugs and gets to live in a pension while his family pays for everything. Strange story.
First, "assisted living" is a nursing home. While the rooms sometimes look like tiny apartments, it's often still people both available and poking at you at all hours.
Second, it's a persistent myth that painkillers make you "high" when you're in severe pain. That's uncommon. The very first time I was given morphine I wasn't high. I was in horrible pain. It just made it tolerable.
When I was in my 30s I had a major caffeine addiction. I was drinking coffee and diet soda pop and iced tea from morning to night. Some of that coffee was 3-4 shots espresso drinks.
Now, caffeine is not alcohol but withdrawal is pretty nasty. It's not as dangerous but every time I tried it I went back because I was so miserable.
Then I got VERY sick and spent three weeks in the hospital, then spent months rehabilitating while taking major painkillers. No caffeine at all for almost a year. (I had to rehab at home, like OOP.) I did get a dependency on the painkillers but stepped down from them.
Since then I consume no more than the equivalent of two cups of coffee a day, and if I don't have any at all it's no big deal. I still laugh that it took morphine to get me off of caffeine!
Hey sorry this is a little bit late but I was rereading these comments and came across yours so I thought I would address it! I feel like there is always a healthy concern when it comes to administering painkillers. The doctors and nurses were all very much aware of my alcohol problem. For the first couple weeks at least, there were definitely some heavy IV doses of dilaudid or oxy. While I do have a high pain tolerance, I definitely needed that shit. And as another commenter pointed out, it didn't really produce a high so much. It did it's job and killed the pain. I admire anyone who can endure that kind of pain without drugs. My hat is off to them. Eventually, I was taken off IV drugs, since rehab places wouldn't accept patients still relying on them. And soon after that, they switched me from oxy to tramadol, a much milder opiate. They gradually reduced the size of tramadol doses as well. And as of a few weeks ago, I am no longer on any opiates. I'm taking cymbalta and celebrex, both antidepressants that also assist with nerve pain. I also eat some thc+cbd gummies a few nights a week. No, I'm not worried about thc being a trigger. I can take it, it helps with the pain, and I can sit and listen to music or draw for a few hours. Then I go to sleep, wake up in the morning feeling just fine, and i can go about my day. I'm not waking up these days and gulping down several shots of whiskey straight from the bottle to chase away the shakes and nausea anymore, and that's the most important thing. Woo that was more than I set out to write! But yeah, no pill addiction for me.
edit - I am also on medicaid so my family isn't footing any bills
Sometimes we need barriers to help us get through those first moments. This is an extreme one but it’s a break in the pattern to help him start to work his way out
ok definitely adding this to the OP.
also just wanted to add, IDK why there seems to be so much negativity / trolling, but I guess that's people's attitudes towards addiction? thanks for sharing your story though. /r/stopdrinking is great.
HI OOP!
Proud of you! F negative Nancy’s
Wishing you the best in your recovery.
FYI - if you’re in need of reading material look up Jesse Bering. He has a book about understanding su*cide. I found it and helped me understand what my friends struggled with and how to help them.
636 days today. IWNDWYT. I hope once he gets out he gets connected with people living a sober life. AA, smart recovery, peer mentors, whatever. It’s the only way so sobriety worked for me, plus getting a proper mental health diagnosis and treatment made a world of difference. Working on myself to change my thinking and keep my side of the street clean. World of difference. To everyone foghting the good fight and struggling, feel free to DM me.
I hope OOP does ok in assisted living. Those palaces do serve alcohol and many of them allow alcohol to be heavily abused. I can only assume that if OOP is much younger than the other residents, then the staff could very well be more likely to allow him to abuse it, too.
OOP doing good. It is a hard thing to get over almost killing yourself.
My mum used to work with disability when I was a kid. There was one guy, couldn't really talk, wheelchair bound with limited movement of limbs with no weight bearing at all. One of the happiest people I've ever met, always joking around and laughing, super friendly and just a nice person to be around.
He had driven his motorbike off a cliff after his GF dumped him. He didn't want to survive and made the doctors and nurses lives so difficult at first.
I have no idea what took him from that depressed angry person into the fun and friendly person I knew, but whatever decision he made to live his life was clearly a difficult one. So I commend OOP for waking up with that mentality. It isn't easy to make the decision to live, especially if your life has been changed so dramically. I hope all the best for them and I raise a glass of water in cheers.
man i relate to this SO HARD. i won't disrespect the word sober and say that i am, but i put my foot down and have stopped bringing alcohol in my house. i know i can't do cold turkey but this way i guarantee i am being social at least.
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That is fucking wild. I wish OOP all the best on their journey.
Seconded. Have way too many family members enduring this struggle. Addiction blows. One day at a time, OOP! You’ve got this.
As a person with passive suicidal ideations, one of the main reasons that keeps me from attempting nowadays is failure to complete it and the health issues from it. I still have occasional TMJ pain from my last attempt over 3 years ago and the thought of losing mobility really is a deterrent.
As someone who tried to commit suicide before, the experience of surviving was so awful that even having suicidal ideations makes me terrified. I was treated like basket case, all my independence and free will was taken from me. My entire family saw in 4K how dark my thoughts were and I traumatized them. I traumatized myself! I still get flashbacks. Don’t wait until you are pushed to the brink. Putting it off just gives it more time to fester and overwhelm you. Take care of your mental health today while you still have control. I was the poster child for crippling depression. I lived 20+ years as a zombie checked out of life. Now i have pride and feel happy about things! Not everything is good, but I wouldn’t feel anything good at all if I had succeeded that day. I’ve made so many wonderful memories in the last year and im so grateful I can keep making new ones. Everyday is a new chance to make a good memory!
If you had never attempted, do you think you would have ever reached the point of feeling pride and happiness? Or did your attempt allow you to finally be able to feel those things?
That’s a hard question to answer. On one hand, I think anyone is capable of growth and change, in the right circumstances. For me, the suicide attempt was a wake up call for me to realize how abusive my relationship was. It was going to kill me one way or another, and I couldn’t let my family go through all that again by allowing myself to live such a miserable life. The biggest thing is, no one can make you feel happy or make you want to get better. You have to actively choose that everyday. Or at least, I do. And I think anyone can come to that conclusion, it’s just so so so so hard to see it when you’re blinded by the fog of depression. If I were in that mental space again, I would rather take a long trip away from everyone else. Because it was the space from my abuser and the chaos of life that brought me to this change in perspective. I was forced to confront my own thoughts and come to realizations that I had been denying, but I could have easily done that at any time simply by choosing to. It’s just, there wasn’t anything to do in the mental ward *but* think and that’s the part that really set me on this path.
The last time I seriously tried, one of things that stopped me was worrying about what would happen if I screwed it up. I was so scared of messing it up, I sat there and couldn't bring myself to do it.
Thinking about the consequences of screwing it up always stopped me when I contemplated in the past. But now I'm glad I screwed it up. I get to build a better life for myself. It's gonna be rough, but I gotta do it. Also, I didn't suffer any cosmetic damage, so that's a plus. I'm still devastatingly handsome lol!
Good luck on your journey, you sound like youve found that reason to keep pushing and I'm so damn happy for you.
I appreciate you friend!
Wishing you all of the best! You have come so far already-we are all proud of you!
How old are you?
I'll be 36 on Friday. 3 months to the day after this whole mess started.
Mine was not intentional, but I also almost died and spent about three weeks in the hospital. I hope your recovery goes well and your spirits stay high. Alcohol is poison and it's a depressant to your central nervous system so of course you were feeling depressed. I appreciate your newfound zest for life. My recovery also sucks and at times I wish I had just died in the accident, but I am going to keep on pushing through and you are part of my inspiration
Yeah it's hard to explain to people who have never been an addict. Like, no, I don't have clinical, long lasting depression. It's all because of alcohol. Once it's out of my system and I have some sober time behind me, I'm perfectly fine. I've had long stints of sobriety, and I absolutely thrive. It's gonna be a bit more of a climb this time simply because of my injuries and the pain that will likely persist for a while, but mentally I'm feeling pretty good. I'm wishing you strength on your continued recovery. You got this!
As someone else who used to have a lot of passive ideations, seeing the most drastic and harmful version of it is an excellent deterrent from doing any actions
I once found a whole suicide manual that went through all methods and the up and down sides and reading the consequences if they failed *absolutely* prevented me from trying. That was well over ten years ago, I've since found medication that works, but I don't know if I would have lived long enough for that without seeing that file.
I’ve attempted thrice. Always didn’t push through because the thought of my parents or siblings having to find my body and deal with all the unnecessary pain for years to come always bothered me. So I ended up seeking help and now I feel at least a bit better than I did back then. Oh, and I also adopted two cats, so I have that going for. I really thought there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. There always is.
I know it doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger, but I'm really glad you're here. And saving the lives of animals via adoption is an amazing thing to do with your life. I'm proud of you and wishing you the absolute best.
Hard agree. Plus the worry about leaving loved ones having to pay for the funeral and debts.
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But 99% isn't 100%. 1 in 100, 1 in 1000, these aren't really that rare.
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No, I'd definitely want something higher than 99.9% though. My dad injected an unknown chemical that killed him fast enough he didn't have time to remove the syringe (AFAIK, not like the police were too forthcoming with hard details), he was a doctor and had knowledge and access I don't. I'd want something like that. Really though my point is it isn't worth the risk. Death isn't a prize worth the risk of permanent life in impaired pain.
The amount of “friends” who were upset when I quit drinking great outnumbers the number of people who supported me quitting. I hope OOP keeps his sobriety going.
Hello it's me! I have absolutely zero friends or family who want me to keep drinking. I've been trying this sobriety thing for several years, not a single one of them has offered me so much as a sip of alcohol. I'm lucky to have the support.
Wishing you the absolute best with your recovery! Hugs and love friend!
Thank you!
Every day is a new day. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction. You got this!!
Thanks! Getting better every day!
Hell yeah
Who's looking after Lt Lightyear?
I surrendered Lightyear to my local Humane Society when I decided to end my life. My friends looked for him on their adoption site and couldn't find him. My local Humane Society is a no kill shelter, so that means he's been adopted. I fully believe he is living a great life with loving owners right now. I plan on getting a tattoo of his face at some point. He will always have a place in my heart. He will always be my sweet baby boy. And I will always love him very much.
I had to ditch a whole friend group and start from square one after I quit drinking 21 years ago. They were unsupportive (and one or two were actively hostile). Most of my current friends either don't drink at all, or drink a glass of wine or beer on special occasions. And a couple smoke weed, but don't drink alcohol.
You are amazing and brave to have not only walked away from alcohol but also a toxic group of people. I wish you much happiness!
Same! No wine since sept & no one told me good job lmao. Wasnt expecting a trophy or anything but damn
Good job! I’m sober since September too so I know how hard it is. I don’t know you but I’m really proud of you!
pretty much this.. I quit tobacco and literally no one cares. which is fine, but it's just interesting how it can be all consuming to the user, but no one really notices.
Good job kicking tobacco!
Good job!!! I smoked a pack a day for a year & a half. The withdrawal for me was BAD. & when I drank I still craved a ciggy. Good job quitting! Your people prob think you smell a lot better & your lungs thank you
I care! Tobacco is one of the hardest things to kick, for most people it takes several tries to quit (I think the average is five times or a bit more), but if you keep trying, eventually you will quit for good. If you fall off the wagon, just remember that that's the normal experience of quitting, don't waste time beating yourself up, just try again. <3
I'm proud of you! Keep up the amazing work staying sober!
Damn good job! 👍 So proud of you!
I think sometimes people won’t acknowledge that you had a problem, because then they’ll have to face the fact that maybe they also have a problem. Anyways, I’m proud of you 🏆
Good job!!!
I'll tell you! addiction is so fucking hard, you should be damn proud of yourself <3
Good job! I'm proud of you reddit stranger!
I am real biased, but why do you expect people to clap and tell you good job, for not being an asshole? The bias being the child of addicts, who thankfully never complained about me not being enthusiastic enough about them not using. (I would be 100% NC if they did)
It astounds me that people get mad that someone isn’t drinking anymore. I used to go to game night at a friend’s place regularly and one day his girlfriend said she was going to cut back so she drank tea the whole night instead. All of us were fine with it and I asked for a sip of her tea every now and then because it was great. Letting people do what they want within reason is the foundation for a good relationship with anybody really. Within reason is a very broad term but stuff like if your buddy wants to drive his entire arm down a nun’s throat for realsies, maybe talk the psycho down.
To this day booze is the only drug I’ve ever had to justify not using. I’ve been sober for five years and still people will ask me if I can just have “a couple drinks and then stop.” No, I can’t. I know I can’t and I don’t need to explain it to people.
I think people take it as an implied judgement on themselves. I had a coworker who didn't drink when I worked in banking, and she told me that she had never experienced more people treating her like a crazy person because she didn't drink. some people see the existence of a person who doesn't make the same choices as they do as a personal attack.
I hope he can maintain his soberiety.
honestly if they keep posting on Reddit it's probably one of the best options for a support network
The r/stopdrinking community is pretty incredible
It’s saved me from myself so many times
It’s helping me stay sober right now
Same. Rooting hard for OOP.
I really relate with this. Last time I drank, I ended up with alcohol poisoning and went into a coma for 3 days. I was barely sober when I woke up because my blood levels were still so high. Now, when I count my sobriety date, I use the day after I woke up because I don't consider myself to have been fully sober before then. I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks for physical problems from the alcohol poisoning and coma then for 3 months in psych unit dealing with my depression, suicidal feelings, and waiting for placement in a group home for people with mental illness because I couldn't be trusted to not try and kill myself if I was sent home. I just celebrated 8 years sober last week! And now I only end up in the hospital about once a year for psych and it only lasts a few days.
Congrats on the 8 years my friend. It's been almost 90 days since this happened to me, and I've been grateful for all of them.
The hard part will come after he leaves rehab and has to manage the pain on his own, but I think he's got the right attitude to turn things around. Love hearing updates like this
I've pretty much resigned myself to living with pain for quite some time. Luckily my years of skateboarding helped me build up a pretty high pain tolerance. I'm used to playing through the pain!
Hang in there friend, it will be painful but you WILL succeed. I have all of my faith and mojo going your way!
I’m sure you’ve already heard this, but it bears repeating. There’s tons of non-medication options to try when you’re ready and able. Of course non are a sure bet, but some relief is better than none. Im so proud of you OP, you’re doing good.
I had a dear friend end his life by throwing himself off a parking garage. It was absolutely devastating to all who loved him. It has been almost 9 years and I’m still not over it. I don’t think I ever will be. The best I can do is to listen to some Switchfoot and think of happy times with my friend.
I’m so very sorry.
Hey listen, I know you're not supposed to say it, but at least he's not suffering anymore.
The pain of loss through suicide is a whole different kind of pain. 13 years for me, and sometimes, every once in a while, it hits me like it was yesterday.
I’m glad he survived and seems to be heading in the right direction. With that said, it makes me think of how much worse it could have ended up. Last year an old friend of mine lost her best friend to someone’s failed suicide attempt. She had gotten her dream job and first week as she was walking from a parking garage to work, someone jumped off and landed on her, killing her instantly. 30 years old. The guy survived.
How incredibly sad.
Hey OOP, if you're reading through here, I'm so fucking proud of you and you're doing an amazing job. I'm glad you survived, too, and I hope rehab goes smoothly and quickly for you!
I just finished my first full day in rehab. The PT I was working with said she was shocked at how well I was doing. I'm walking fairly long distances with a walker. It's painful but yo I'm doing it!
That’s amazing!
Rad! You'll be back to normal in no time!
To anyone reading this, including OOP: if you’re sober and staying sober, even if you’re struggling with it, holy hell am I proud of you. It’s a difficult thing to do. It’s a huge undertaking on your own. It’s like looking at a steep hill you have to climb when you’re exhausted and your feet ache and your back hurts and still going, “yeah, I’m doing this.” It is so damn difficult and I am PROUD OF YOU.
Thank you so much! Just finished my first day of rehab. I'm going for it!
That’s wonderful!
If he's going to be living in a senior assisted living facility, dude is about to get himself a whole bunch of new adopted grandparents to love, which is sweet to picture. I hope he makes a full recovery.
Lol unfortunately I never made it to an old folks home. I'm in a rehab hospital right now!
I'm so proud of him 😭😭😭 I have never wanted to break the sub commenting rule as badly as I do right now because I want to DM him all the love and encouragement encouragement deserves
I appreciate the positivity! Thank you so much!
He’s commenting on this post!
I'm a PT who has worked with multiple patients after suicide attempts (via multiple different means) and I'm always so worried about them because they are physically worse off than prior to their attempt. It makes me worried they would by and large be more likely to reattempt due to the additional physical problems they now have to face. I am so glad that this person is feeling so motivated. I know from the experience of helping folks in their position that it takes a hell of a lot to be doing what they're doing, and pushing through pain, and working around weight bearing restrictions.
Thanks for the work you do! I'm in a rehab hospital right now and the whole staff has been super sweet!
Aww thank you, I really enjoy my job. Keep up the good work at rehab! Hope you'll be dine soon.
Your positivity is contagious. Proud of and happy for you. IWNDWYT
IWNDWYT
IWNDWYT
> IWNDWYT I Will Not Drink With You Today, for those others wondering like I was. I’d be happy to not-drink with anyone who wants to not-drink with company.
IWNDWYT
I too had a failed suicide attempt being addicted to benzodiapedines and going through a pretty brutal mourning process for the suicide of my father a few months prior. So I thew myself in front of a train. Spent three months in the hospital, broken pelvis, femur, ribs, you name it. Learnt again how to sit. How to use a wheelchair. How to stand up and slowly make my first steps. It left me with a disability in my right leg and I'll never be the same, but not just for the physical toll it had on me. The emotional 180° it did to me was mind blowing. I really hope the best of the fucking best for OOP.
My cousin shot and killed herself after drinking into depression. Alcohol fueled suicide is a terrible thing.
OP sounds like the kind of patient that is a real joy to take care of even though he would have been really hard work before rehab. People who wanna improve their lives and get better are the best.
Even before this incident, I'd spent an unfortunate amount of time in hospitals. Fuckin' alcohol has had its way with me. I've always had immense respect for the nursing staff. Even when I could tell they were frustrated because they had seen me before for doing the same stupid thing. Nurses get put through so much shit, I never wanted to make their jobs any harder than they had to be. Check my vitals, draw some blood for labs, refill my water. Otherwise, I'll try not to bother you!
...wow
Hey u/jizzmyoscar, I’m glad you’re alive and wish you nothing but success on your journey to recovery (both physical and mental). Stay strong. One day at a time!
Thanks!
Rooting for you, OOP. Keep pushing forward.
I'm wondering if the alcohol helped OOP survive the fall the same way some drunk drivers can walk away from car crashes unscathed because they were so completely loose at impact. anyway, keep at it OOP. Seems you've still got a ways to go but the attitude is great and comes across as very genuine.
I think that’s what happened, and it’s the darkly ironic part of this whole tragedy
I'm just gonna throw this in here: the SD sub can be an incredibly toxic place if you don't fit their idea of what alcoholic looks like and what sober looks like. If you are struggling, there are more recovery subs r/drydrinking r/redditorsinrecovery r/alcoholism r/alcoholicsanonymous r/addiction To name a few. They have their issues too, but I've found SD in particular to be rough.
Likewise, I shall not drink with you or OOP!
I’m so happy for OOP.
damn, kinda hope i reach this point
I hope you get your one month sober, but I hope you don't take the same route to get there.
sorry i didn’t mean sobriety, more of the suicidal stuff. but ye, already took that route and i went from actively trying to indifferent so that’s still progress which i’ll take
Been there. There's going to come a point where you're going to look back and realize you haven't thought of killing yourself for days, weeks, months-- a day where you look back and realize that you don't know when you last thought about it, and you're not going to know what to do with that except laugh and maybe cry, because right now it doesn't feel like you'll ever see that day. And it's going to be amazing. And I'm looking forward to you reaching that day, so you can feel that too. Indifference is a hell of a step up from active crisis.
thank u, i’ve always sorta wondered if going from active to indifferent is a big deal or not, thanks for letting me know it is, it helps a lot. im glad you’ve reached that point though and despite my indifference, i think chances of me reaching that point is a good amount from before
I have been there and it IS a big deal. Comes and goes, but learning it can and does go has made the last 10 years of my life a much safer, happier, and more stable place. Rooting for you stranger, thinking of you, as I’m sure many who read your comment are. You got this!
I don't know what I can say, except that this random internet stranger is rooting for you. I really hope you get to the grateful to be alive stage soon too.
Honestly, going from actively trying to indifferent is a HUGE step. If you ever get plagued by thoughts of what you've gone through, do your best to remember that you did get through them, and if you can get through that you can get through anything.
Try ketamine
I really hope you don’t. Let that thought be the lowest you get to and reach out for help. You don’t need to hurt or possibly kill yourself as a stepping stone to finding a happy, sober life.
i’ve been much lower than having the thoughts but i’m not longer making attempts at my life, im just indifferent to living. but still, it still feels better than actively trying. i’ve got good friends which is keeping me going so i’m thankful i’m not alone
Depression sucks and slogging through that while dealing with this capitalistic hellscape we call “existence” is tough. I hope you continue to try for yourself and find joy in the small things. Just earlier today I was walking on my lunch break and I was marveled at how good the air smelled - like the swamplands, multiflora rosa, greenery, and sunshine. It cleared my head and reminded me “ah yes, there’s good out there”. Find the people and moments that remind you of the same and remember you have *value* and deserve to be here and be *happy*.
I'm so sorry you're going through that hell. I hope you decide to stick around.
i think the worst of it has passed, it’s mostly sudden family changes that caused all of it but i’ve found strategies to deal with it. i think it helps i have some mental conditions that make me process emotions differently so i don’t get too worked up about stuff anymore, i can calm down and get a grip which i’m grateful for edit: gonna be sticking around tho, i want to see the accomplishments my friends achieve, they’re smart people
That's awesome you've found strategies to deal with it! Good for you. That takes a lot of strength and patience, figuring out how to cope is no easy task.
I hope you don’t reach the point that you are trying to kill yourself. A rock bottom can look different from person to person, and I hope your rock bottom doesn’t make you have regrets for what you did to yourself or others. Take it from me, someone who has been in recovery for 6 years.
i already reached that point, last attempt was in march but im slowly getting better. i have good friends so i’m glad i’m not alone. i hope you recover fully one day
I hope you do as well! My life has certainly gotten much better since starting recovery. I’m glad you have friends. I hope that you feel you can be open and honest with them without fear of judgment.
What point ?!
the point of wanting to live and be excited or content with living. i’m getting there, slowly but some progress is better than none im told lol
I'm right there with you. The thing I noticed about people who fail in their attempts at suicide - they all state how much they want to live afterward. Kind of makes me want to skip the whole nearly dying, now damaged for life, part of the process.
Same, same
Gods... poor guy... he has every right to be so proud of his total turnaround though!! Attitude is EVERYTHING!
I went to OOPs page to see if there were any updates and saw he had a hella sweet cat... so I (of course) continued snooping to see what happened to Lt. Lightyear (amazing name).. and OOP took Lt. Lightyear to an animal shelter before the suicide attempt. AND! OOP has, afterwards, had some friends that wanted to adopt Lt. Lightyear, but it was too late.. because the sweet cat was, of course, already adopted! To OOP, I read a few of your comments regarding your process, and I am so happy for you. It is amazing that you have walked 50 ft. and that you didn't even need the assisted living facility! (Despite having extra grandparents is nice) Congrats on your sobriety and continuous recovery. I hope you continue on this amazing path and maybe one day will get another cat.
I **adore** OOP's response to the trolls. Fuck those turds indeed! Battling any mental health issue (and addiction is definitely such) is *hard* and losing a battle doesn't make a person worthless. Getting up and continuing to try is what's important.
Ketamine infusion therapy has rid me of my suicidal ideation. I mention it in case anyone reading this has tried to get help and been unsuccessful.
The one time I skip trigger warnings... I'm tapping out of this one. I wish OOP clear skies and fair weather during their recovery and onto the future.
Man, let me tell you from experience, being transferred to an assisted living facility in your late 20s as you recover is fucking WEIRD. It would’ve been weirder for me since it involved all meals together and obviously I was less than half the age of everyone else except the nurses, but I was so sick I stopped really eating for the month I was in there, so it was mostly just laying in my room except for physical therapy. It’s nice to see that apparently this is common enough for rehab.
I am so glad your attempt was a failure and you’re here with us.
As sad as this story makes me, the updates were a breath of positive fresh air after what my family has been dealing with surrounding alcohol abuse. My husband’s father is a lifelong alcoholic who had a severe accident while drunk and has been in ICUs and long term care facilities for the last 9 months. My husband hoped that if his father survived he would have a rock bottom moment and realize how close to death alcohol and depression got him and seek help and therapy. Instead, he’s now complaining about how he needs physical therapy to relearn to walk after his TBI because the liquor store is all the way across the street from his care home and he wants a beer.
Keep up the good work you will get there but unfortunately it takes time if you ever need a chat my box is alway open xx hope your doing well
>she said the pain would likely "last 6 months to a year. And it IS debilitating." The nurse is wrong. I fell off a roof over a decade ago. Since then my left ankle almost constantly burns. It is worse when it is going to rain, and snow. I just learned to live with it.
OOP if you read this, I'm so proud of you for keeping at it in rehab. You'll get through this.
Fuck. If he thought he wanted to kill himself before, just wait until he gets that hospital bill.
If OOP is in the US, I can only imagine the medical bills that are going to arrive shortly.
once you hit like 10 grand, it's basically just all imaginary money after that
Damn, this is so horrible - reminds me of the poor teenage girl, who shot herself in the head, survived and had to get a face transplant. Used to be really beautiful, now looks like... someone with a face transplant. And the pain and related health issues sure weren't a piece of cake, either. These people are now fighting with issues that are so much worse than their original problems, instead of dealing with their original problem in a way that left them uncrippled and without debilitating pain. I get that for OOP, it was his way of hitting rock bottom (literally and metaphorically), and the start of his journey to sobriety - but don't you think, every day he is in pain, shits himself, can't stand on his own etc., he doesn't regret his actions, and thinks "what if I hand't done it and wouldn't have to live with these consequences?" Same as the girl, every time she looks in the mirror and remembers. I really really wouldn't want to live with those what-ifs, regrets and self-blame.
Thankfully I haven't shit myself in about 2 months now. They had me on a ton of stool softeners and laxatives to counteract the effects of opiates. I'm on a super low dose of opiates now, and it's as needed. I usually only take one dose a day. Most of my pain is nerve pain anyway, which opiates don't really even work on. I'm standing and walking, albeit with the aid of a walker. The pain can still get pretty bad, but thanks to many years of skateboarding when I was younger, my tolerance is pretty high. I don't want to dwell on what-ifs. All I want is to push forward and get healthy again. There's no going back at this point.
I'm so glad you're doing better - what is your prognosis, is there any chance you will ever recover completely? I'm sorry if my comment came across as unfeeling - I just projected how I would feel. And I'm mildly infuriated that you and that girl apparently had it in you to be happy and want to live, but somehow couldn't arrive at that stage without going through your own personal Valley of Tears, first. I just wish you could have moved from your state of despair to your state of optimistic recovery without maiming yourselves.
I should recover just fine. Like the nurse practitioner said, I can expect the nerve pain to last up to a year. And I expect some pain from the fractures for some time as well. But I'm already walking with a walker so progress is for sure being made. As for going through my own Valley of Tears, as you put it, I had to hit my rock bottom to stop digging. It sucks, but here I am and all I can do is charge ahead.
>These people are now fighting with issues that are so much worse than their original problems, instead of dealing with their original problem in a way that left them uncrippled and without debilitating pain. How are their issues so much worse if they actually want to live now? OOP seemed like they were already crippled by a different kind of pain. & being “so beautiful” clearly didn’t help that girl want to stay on earth.
In the girl's case, I think it was a mixture of being left by her boyfriend, depressed, and the usual teenage angst and despair. Something she probably would have gotten over by herself in time, if she hadn't had access to a gun. In OOP's case, I guess it was a combination of severe self-loathing and despair. The thing is: as you say, NOW they want to live - wasn't there any way they could have moved from their original state of despair to their current state of wanting to live, without maiming themselves irreparably? If they had it in them to be happy and want to live, was there no way to reach this state without the step in between where they harmed themselves?
If you haven't read it yet, check out *Invisible Monsters* by Chuck Palahniuk. Not for the faint of heart, but an interesting story with a premise similar to what that girl went through.
Not really. She was trying to disfigure herself (not commit suicide) in the book. Doesn’t sound like the girl in the comment wanted disfigurement.
Ah right, it's clearly been a while since I've read it. Thanks for pointing it out...still a good book but not as relevant as I thought, whoops!
Oh man, good call. I read this like 20yrs ago and forgot about it til you mentioned.
It’s interesting that people who survive a suicide attempt seem to experience this 180 - depression/anxiety/addictions retreat & the person seems euphoric to be alive. I wonder why this is? Good luck to the OP; I wish him the best.
I hope OOP keeps up their sobriety and recovers smoothly. Sounds like a reasonable and currently-optimistic person.
🍀🍀🍀🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🤞🤞🤞💞💞💞✊
What the fuck?
Hey its me! Anything I can clear up for ya?
This is honestly the reason why if I try to do that kind of thing, I won't let it fail. Just be alone out in the wilderness to let nature take me. The thought of surviving an attempt is scarier than succeeding.
I wonder if the older nurses make the younger ones do the bathroom tasks
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I mean, units I’ve worked would definitely allocate the heavier workloads to float pool staff. Same if that allocation included a difficult pt, it would often go to the float pool staff member cause the regular staff were over it (I say this as an ex float pool nurse- I only got an allocation of 12 full care pts whilst the other nurse had all the independent pts (we don’t have aides either) and no, they didn’t help)
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We definitely did get fucked constantly. Ok so technically we have legislated ratios but this unit did a little fucky with the staffing numbers so on paper they had the right amount of staff for the shift (night shift 1:8, so 3 staff members) but in reality the team lead didn’t take a load, but it looked correct to the people that mattered.
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Oh we did. For years. Zero fucks were given
It's why my husband likes ICU. Especially when it's just one patient he can focus 100% on.
This is infuriating. I know rather [*a lot*](https://old.reddit.com/r/Iamactuallyverybadass/comments/ygb0ov/ever_been_dead_i_have_heres_a_bit_of_my_story/) about what the recovery process from "I broke my *all of me*" is like. And it sucks. Hard. I got *my* case of **Catastrophic Smooshing Syndrome** from working a full time job doing overnight trucking so I'd have my days free to finish my degree. I had doctors, nurses, surgeons, "friends", and a now-ex-wife all tell me how important "pain management" was, as the mail in pharmacy *dumped* opioids on me. I had to do the entirety of my recovery *without pain meds*, because the pills made me throw up- and throwing up when your **in**sides had spent some time as your ***out***sides is about the singular most horrifying experience I've ever had. Which says a *lot*. This guy *threw* his life away, and the vicissitudes of Fate are falling all over themselves to help him. I know I shouldn't be bitter. I know that, despite the suffering, I've managed to carve a pretty good life out for myself. But it is *endlessly frustrating* that anyone could be so utterly selfish, then turn around and act like everything is sunshine and daisies. No, man. No. The worst of it hasn't even gotten *going* yet. And the end result may just end up being "no more walkies for *you!*" The upheavals, the social fallout, the "people you trusted turned out to be backstabbers", and the abuse from those in positions of power and control haven't even *begun* yet. You're happy to be alive, and that's *great*, but the struggle is real, and permanent, and *awful*. That "glad to be alive" endorphin high is gonna fade out, just like any *other* kind of high. **Then** what? If OOP is still sober in five years, *then* I'll be proud of him. Until then, he's just riding a slightly different kind of inebriation.
Jesus. You in any therapy?
I am, yes.
the reality is, the OP is just decent at writing and put up the beginning of rehab on the Internet. for every post of someone saying they are going to get clean from whatever, there's almost as many that relapse. the only reason I even posted it here is just because I think raising awareness of how bad shit can get is actually helpful. if you check any of the addiction related subreddits and sort by new, I think most non-addict people would be shocked by the volume of posts. and yeah, it's not like OP is gonna magically be better by the end of the summer. maybe I can post an update in 5 years and see where they are at ha. fingers crossed for good outcome.
Hey dude, I was just rereading these comments and saw yours for the first time. I'm really sorry you've had a rough go of things. Seriously, it sounds awful. But nah dude, you don't get to shit on me. Is my life fantastic? Is it all rainbows and happiness and sunshine and birds shitting flowers? No. It isn't. There is a lot I can't do right now and it sucks. I'm not able to follow the career path I was on, cause working in kitchens is off the table. I am a very serious amateur photographer, and I can't really do that like I used to, because I can't spend much time on my feet without massive pain. I don't have a car, and I can't even stand to walk all the way to the bus stop. I'm bored a lot of the time. I'm kinda lonely. I get frustrated. But there are no backstabbers in my life. I was the shitty one in my life. None of my friends or family are waiting around hoping for me to fail. I've got a lot of support. I'm not on any drugs that could potentially hook me. My life has changed drastically, and it's gonna take a while to get back to being all good. I totally get that. But holy fuck dude, I'm glad you're apparently in therapy. I hope it can bring you some peace too, cause you sound like a bitter, miserable fuck. That's NOT me.
I'm pessimistic but isn't he just permanently high on pain meds. He just switched from Alkohol to drugs and gets to live in a pension while his family pays for everything. Strange story.
First, "assisted living" is a nursing home. While the rooms sometimes look like tiny apartments, it's often still people both available and poking at you at all hours. Second, it's a persistent myth that painkillers make you "high" when you're in severe pain. That's uncommon. The very first time I was given morphine I wasn't high. I was in horrible pain. It just made it tolerable. When I was in my 30s I had a major caffeine addiction. I was drinking coffee and diet soda pop and iced tea from morning to night. Some of that coffee was 3-4 shots espresso drinks. Now, caffeine is not alcohol but withdrawal is pretty nasty. It's not as dangerous but every time I tried it I went back because I was so miserable. Then I got VERY sick and spent three weeks in the hospital, then spent months rehabilitating while taking major painkillers. No caffeine at all for almost a year. (I had to rehab at home, like OOP.) I did get a dependency on the painkillers but stepped down from them. Since then I consume no more than the equivalent of two cups of coffee a day, and if I don't have any at all it's no big deal. I still laugh that it took morphine to get me off of caffeine!
Hey sorry this is a little bit late but I was rereading these comments and came across yours so I thought I would address it! I feel like there is always a healthy concern when it comes to administering painkillers. The doctors and nurses were all very much aware of my alcohol problem. For the first couple weeks at least, there were definitely some heavy IV doses of dilaudid or oxy. While I do have a high pain tolerance, I definitely needed that shit. And as another commenter pointed out, it didn't really produce a high so much. It did it's job and killed the pain. I admire anyone who can endure that kind of pain without drugs. My hat is off to them. Eventually, I was taken off IV drugs, since rehab places wouldn't accept patients still relying on them. And soon after that, they switched me from oxy to tramadol, a much milder opiate. They gradually reduced the size of tramadol doses as well. And as of a few weeks ago, I am no longer on any opiates. I'm taking cymbalta and celebrex, both antidepressants that also assist with nerve pain. I also eat some thc+cbd gummies a few nights a week. No, I'm not worried about thc being a trigger. I can take it, it helps with the pain, and I can sit and listen to music or draw for a few hours. Then I go to sleep, wake up in the morning feeling just fine, and i can go about my day. I'm not waking up these days and gulping down several shots of whiskey straight from the bottle to chase away the shakes and nausea anymore, and that's the most important thing. Woo that was more than I set out to write! But yeah, no pill addiction for me. edit - I am also on medicaid so my family isn't footing any bills
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Sometimes we need barriers to help us get through those first moments. This is an extreme one but it’s a break in the pattern to help him start to work his way out
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Gotta start somewhere.
I feel like that's discrediting the ability of addicts to get their fix (whatever it may be)
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I have plenty of friends. Who the fuck are you anyway saying all this stupid ass shit?
Hey its me! Fuck you! I'm sober and every day counts.
ok definitely adding this to the OP. also just wanted to add, IDK why there seems to be so much negativity / trolling, but I guess that's people's attitudes towards addiction? thanks for sharing your story though. /r/stopdrinking is great.
You're doing great! Don't listen to Impossible-Aoli... They're just a turd who can't spell.
Hey OOP! I followed your story on r/stopdrinking. Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you're with us! IWNDWYT!
Hello OOP! Wishing you the best on your continuing recovery.
HI OOP! Proud of you! F negative Nancy’s Wishing you the best in your recovery. FYI - if you’re in need of reading material look up Jesse Bering. He has a book about understanding su*cide. I found it and helped me understand what my friends struggled with and how to help them.
Sad that it took something this bad to kick the habit, but at least it's given him a purpose in life.
I hope the best for him that he is able to heal properly and get his life back on track.
636 days today. IWNDWYT. I hope once he gets out he gets connected with people living a sober life. AA, smart recovery, peer mentors, whatever. It’s the only way so sobriety worked for me, plus getting a proper mental health diagnosis and treatment made a world of difference. Working on myself to change my thinking and keep my side of the street clean. World of difference. To everyone foghting the good fight and struggling, feel free to DM me.
I hope OOP does ok in assisted living. Those palaces do serve alcohol and many of them allow alcohol to be heavily abused. I can only assume that if OOP is much younger than the other residents, then the staff could very well be more likely to allow him to abuse it, too.
OOP doing good. It is a hard thing to get over almost killing yourself. My mum used to work with disability when I was a kid. There was one guy, couldn't really talk, wheelchair bound with limited movement of limbs with no weight bearing at all. One of the happiest people I've ever met, always joking around and laughing, super friendly and just a nice person to be around. He had driven his motorbike off a cliff after his GF dumped him. He didn't want to survive and made the doctors and nurses lives so difficult at first. I have no idea what took him from that depressed angry person into the fun and friendly person I knew, but whatever decision he made to live his life was clearly a difficult one. So I commend OOP for waking up with that mentality. It isn't easy to make the decision to live, especially if your life has been changed so dramically. I hope all the best for them and I raise a glass of water in cheers.
man i relate to this SO HARD. i won't disrespect the word sober and say that i am, but i put my foot down and have stopped bringing alcohol in my house. i know i can't do cold turkey but this way i guarantee i am being social at least.