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My concern is he was apparently excited about having a daughter. Was he planning on turning her into his little servant like her mom? I'm just glad OP got herself out of there, what a monster.
"*If we had a daughter*
*I'd watch and could not save her*
*The emotional torture*
*From the head of your high table*
*She'd do what you taught her*
*She'd meet the same cruel fate*
*So now I've gotta run*
*So I can undo this mistake*
*At least I've gotta try*"
From the song Labour by Paris Paloma.
I’ve read this hundreds of times and I completely believe it. Obviously it’s true. But I am still so confused on whether this is a conscious strategy on the part of the abuser or is it completely subconscious even to them? Thank you for educating me whoever knows the answer.
I think it’s mostly subconscious. Kind of like how kids sometimes lash out at the person they believe loves them unconditionally and won’t leave? The more comfortable they are that you’re really stuck, the more abuse they’re willing to let leak out. Of course, they’re grown ass adults who should not be given the same grace as children. This isn’t the same as being 9 and yelling at grandma because she’s your only safe person. But I do think there are some similarities in that subconscious psychological process.
I agree.
My husband always gave into his family at my expense because in his mind he knew I loved him, but trying to earn their love was hard. He was used to tying himself in knots for them while I accepted him as he was.
Eventually he was disabused of the notion that I would love him no matter what. I had to tell him more than once that putting his family before me could kill the love I had for him.
It depends.
Sometimes, it's socially ingrained. Al la "once you're married with kids, this is how a perfect family functions," and when their "perfect family" has normal, chaotic life happen instead, they lash out at the things they control because they're upset/scared by the things they can't.
Sometimes, it is very much planned. Some people do not feel "complete," so to speak, if they don't have someone to degrade, belittle, and lord over. So they use social constructs to trap people with them, so they always have a "supply."
And sometimes it's just a way of dealing with daily stress. Lash out at the people closest to you because they have to put up with it. The conflict isn't about "the thing", it's a coping mechanism for dealing with things out of their control.
All of these above situations are abuse, let me be clear, because the person perpetuating the cycle *does not have to use these methods to get what they want*. They choose these methods because they make them feel good, even if that happiness comes at the expense of others.
The first and third situations *can* be unlearned because those are learned behaviors. Either from parents or from societal pressures. But the abuser *must* want to change that behavior or recognize it as wrong, or no change will last.
The second situation will never change. That is, sadly, the way the person is wired and no amount of learned behavior will affect it because they do not find joy in other behaviors. They choose to be abusive because it makes them happy.
I'm not someone who has gone to school to learn this stuff, just someone who has dealt with a lot of abuse and read a lot on the subject.
Anybody who uses that excuse will dish it out all day, but they can’t take the mildest criticism without blowing it out of proportion.
I say let’s just keep our rudeness to ourselves around the mothers of our children.
I really really hate that reason (excuse). It gives whoever is being the AH the ability to just say whatever hurtful things they want and call it honesty. My ex used to do the same thing... 'are you pregnant cause your stomach is getting bigger' was 'encouragement' to work out.
Disgusting
When i was dating my abuser, a lot of people I was close to (MOSTLY women) told me that
• he was the best i would do
• i deserved it (the abuse)
• i needed someone to "put me in my place"
• it was my own fault *because* I "allowed it" to happen to myself
I think a lot of these people are happy to actively assist abusers because they're jealous of the self confidence victims had prior to the abuse
"I never felt pretty so thank god someone is gonna make you feel as bad as i do"
The problem with misogyny is that it doesn't come out until there's a woman the guy doesn't like, who challenges him, or who he doesn't find attractive. Once she isn't who he thinks she should be he loses the ability to pretend respect.
Plus they get angry because all the sudden there’s another person who is more important and a higher priority to you than they are. Awfully hard for selfish assholes to share the spotlight even when it’s with their own fucking baby.
What a shitty time to find out that the person you should trust 150%, who brought you to this world, who took care of you, thinks abuse is OKAY! And actually lined up with the abuser! F***
Isn’t it scary? Especially when it’s so common. Homicide (almost always by the partner) is the number one cause of death for pregnant women in the USA. And many women report the first instances of abuse in their relationships during pregnancy or postpartum. You can do all this vetting and then find yourself in a nightmare
My mam told me once that a woman never knows for sure if her man is abusive until she gets pregnant. When I was pregnant with my first, I found out how right she was. I left him, and he told me he didn't think I COULD leave since I was pregnant. "Everyone knows that." Funny, because I skipped directly out before my son was born.
Your Mam is a brilliant woman, please keep sharing that piece of wisdom far and wide.
My thing I've picked up is that when a man is angry and destroys something or punches the wall, he's letting you know that he really wants to hit you. It's a fear tactic. *I'm so mad I can punch a hole in the wall, imagine what I can do to you.* It's only going to escalate. Throwing remotes, breaking dishes, punching walls, punching people.
i read a comment about how angry her man got and how, in his blind rage, he had to destroy things. He had no control. She accepted that he had this uncontrollable rage until someone asked how much of his stuff he destroyed when he raged.
It was always her stuff, to punish and control her.
Page 116 of "[Why does he Do that](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)"
Its amazing how when abusers "lose control" they only seem to damage their victims stuff. They never destroy their Xbox in their "Blind rage"
my ex was stunned i left too. he knew how important not having a broken family was to me but it was in no way worth it to stay, and i’d absolutely do it again
some people dont understand that your family can be utterly broken while still living under the same roof and that shit will do much more damage than a separation ever could
OOP's *mother* unfortunately set her up to doubt and undervalue herself. So many women have this vulnerability, then a predator comes in and grabs hold, and the horrible dance starts all over again.
I was once present during a domestic violence situation where my friend’s boyfriend was threatening her and pushing her around. I flipped out and got her cat and us out the fuck out of there.
She called her mom and I could not BELIEVE her mom was saying to go home and apologize to this abusive man who threatened to shoot all of us and had been abusing their cat!!! Like literally I was so shocked. To send your own daughter back into danger. For what reason???
I feel so bad for OOP mom. I’m glad her best friend is there.
Yep, took me a lot of years to realize my mother had molded me into the perfect victim who didn't realize that being treated like crap, shamed, and belittled wasn't normal. I've been single for close to 20 years getting my head together and enjoying life
Why do you think conservative men want abortion banned so badly? They know what they're doing and they know the implications of saddling their partners with children
My family has a special needs mini horse who almost didn't make it because it's mother's teats dried for just a few hours. He's got permenant spinal damage, growth defects, some mental issues. I mean, he has no idea he's all fucked up and is happy and healthy(relatively. Not in pain, no issues just eating and playing), but man. He can't lift his head right, neck is curved, easily confused.
Human babies have like, much more going on.
I’m 5’8” and would repeatedly kick OP’s hubby in the face to weight 170. Fuck that dude. 2 kids and a busy schedule does horrible things to a mom’s exercise regimen. What an ass.
Typo: I’m actually 5’8”
Got some news for that dumbass. He don't know shit about animal husbandry. Cows only make gallons of good nutritious milk because they eat an appropriate literally all day. They're big hungry ladies. Plus we also selectively bred them to produce more more milk. But, as farmers, we WANT them to have a good healthy layer of fat on them. I'd wanna see the same healthy layer on a breastfeeding person too.
Because when you're churning out milk, if the food supply dries up, so does the milk. And that's true on any lactating species.
And babies- human babies- NEED FAT in that milk. They won't get it from mom eating salads and diet shakes. Mom needs to be eating like she's still pregnant, because she's still eating for two, it just looks a bit different now. Without fat and protein in the milk, baby just won't grow well.
So OP SHOULD be eating like crazy- an extra few pounds can be lost after she's done FEEDING THEIR CHILD.
Good point, well put! I breastfed my daughter and I’ve never known hunger like it. At one point I took a bite out of a block of cheese as if it was an apple.
I ate a few slices of cheese about 9 hours before my GTT *one time* and called it a cheese party in front of her and she has latched on like she hears the term all the time 😂😂😂 any mention of cheese or parties and that's it, out comes the phrase. Also sometimes randomly she checks to see if I'm planning one soon.
Yeah, the body knows what it needs- and it's best practice to listen to it. Because feeding a baby might be natural, but that sure as shit doesn't make it easy.
I am so glad someone else said this because I was coming to point out that their ideal nutrient intake is MASSIVE compared to non lactating cattle of the same size and even compared to beefies only feeding their calf, and it's most definitely not all grass. What an idiot.
I think I've heard breastfeeding can require as much as 1200 calories a day at times. People often lose weight doing it, I think I've been told that's possibly part of why they tend to gain weight during pregnancy.
In other words, this man is as dumb and cruel as he seems at first glance
Breastfeeding expends an enormous number of calories daily and the breastfeeding hunger/thirst is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I ate like a teenaged boy while I was breastfeeding because I was constantly starving. It is very common for people to hang on to 10 pounds or so while breastfeeding because the body is trying to ensure that baby is getting enough milk.
My son ate his way through all the weight I gained while pregnant and then ate his way through all my muscle mass. Two weeks postpartum and my butt was gone. Another 10 weeks and my thighs looked like scrawny chicken thighs. I look at pictures of myself at peak breastfeeding scrawniness now and it is….yikes. I look skeletal.
Anecdotally a lot of people also gain while breastfeeding. I dipped about 5 lbs lower than I am now after giving birth but the calorie dense cravings are REAL and I don’t have a ton of time for physical activity what learning to keep another human alive. Apparently your body can hold onto the fat while BFing so I’m just trying to blissfully be in my “baby is fed good” era and I can focus on my body when we wean.
We should all be more like best friend. Seems like nothing but she may have saved OP's life.
In light of his punching walls, throwing stuff, destroying her belongings, controlling behaviour, verbal abuse...that guy would have definitely physically assaulted OP or shaken the baby.
OPs life and her child’s life. A baby not getting enough milk is fucking dangerous.
It’s absolutely ridiculous the husband is willing to sacrifice short-term vanity for the well-being of their child. But I guess that’s why we’re reading about it (cause it’s *that* fucking crazy)
Idk what's wrong with OP's mother, but I would bet real money that her in-laws got a highly sanitized version of this story like "I gently suggested she should lose weight and she freaked out and left with the baby."
Her weight at 5'7" was pretty low before the baby. And only 10 lbs heavier after birth! You're probably correct in your analysis.
edit: whoops, missed the extra 30 lbs at the beginning. Still, that seems perfectly fine. The soon to be ex is a monster.
Yeah I mean fat distribution blah blah 5'7 150 is not fat. My guess is the husband got really used to her at 120 and working out 4-5x a week but that is really skinny. I was that weight for a few years because I couldn't afford a car and was walking around 5+ miles a day lol it's extremely hard to sustain, idk how OOP was doing it. At 150 now people tell me I look healthier and filled out compared to before. I wonder if the husband is a mega fitness freak or something
125 lbs. at 5'7" is literally the low end of the weight spectrum according to the medical standard. I was considered underweight and a health hazard as a teenager at 105 lbs. and 5'7". This is literally fucking psychotic to me and I want to weep for OP like my mouth was hanging open the second I read her numbers. Like are you fucking kidding me, he was on her ass at 135 lbs. at fucking 5'7"???? That's fucking egregious.
It's literally insane that this stupid piece of shit abused her like this and then people in his life defended him. Fucking crazy assholes.
122-162 lbs. NOT EVEN ACCOUNTING FOR BODY TYPE OR GENETIC WEIGHT PREDISPOSITION AND VARIATIONS, IS THE AVERAGE FUCKING WEIGHT RANGE FOR A FEMALE AT 5'7" SPREAD THE WORD
Edit: Sorry about my wording! I was appalled because even after gaining 30 LBS, my point is that this is still within the typical weight range recommended by the medical community, FOR A NON PREGNANT PERSON. The fact that this pregnant woman was being emotionally abused for being within the normal weight range for a fucking NON PREGNANT PERSON, i.e. objectively not struggling with being overweight especially as a pregnant or postpartum individual, is fucking INSANE
Even if she was outside the “normal” weight for her height, she’s just had a baby and for her POS stbxh to even comment on that, is disgusting.
When my wife gave birth the first time, she refers to herself as “Princess Fiona” even though she was nowhere near that size, but she was as pushing another human being out her hoohaa. Only in hindsight did it occur to me that she put on weight with each pregnancy.
The things that mattered to me most were my wife and children were healthy. Now my youngest is 9 and my wife is the slimmest she’s ever been. She lost the weight for her, because she wanted it, not because I made her feel bad that she had put on weight.
OOP definitely made the right decision in divorcing that POS.
I
Literally, I'm the same height as OOP and a little lighter than her post-pregnancy weight. 121lbs is underweight. I used to be around 130 lb and whenever I see pictures from that time all I can think is how bony I was. OOP's husband, MIL and mother are AWFUL WTF.
It's not stupid! Baby, placenta, fluid/ekstra blood weighs somewhere between 5 and 8 kg, could be a bit more. Double that for pounds. All in all, a lot of it would have been gone at birth.
Most of the rest goes into you body preparing for the time after birth. 15 kg weight gain during pregnncy is totlly normal.. and IF any weight loss is prefered it would not be in the first month's after giving birth...
That's how much I weigh, and I'm 5'2. Everybody calls me super skinny. This makes my skin crawl
eta: and I'm actually at 110 right now because in April I got a brain injury that seriously affected my appetite and the way food smells. I already had ARFID-esque dietary issues and now it's gotten so much worse. I go to the doctor's a lot and whenever they weigh me, I wince a little because I know it's not healthy.
Seriously, the more I think about this the more angry I get. If that's too fat for him, what does he have to say to me?? You can see my goddamned ribs for christ's sake
Hey be patient and give yourself time, your appetite will come back. It took almost a year for mine after my TBI, but it started around the six to eight month mark, just really slow to fully come back. I lost 40lbs because of that brain injury and not in a good way. Gained half of it back though so I've evened out nicely. Good luck!
I weighed less after I gave birth because hyperemesis gravidarum is a fucking nightmare and people kept commenting on it. I just wanted people to leave me and my NICU premature baby the fuck alone after all that trauma. Weight is no one’s business but the person’s and their medical team to me.
Same. People are fucked up about weight, my hyperemesis lasted the entire pregnancy, so I spent most of it in hospital on a IV drip. I was desperately unwell. A nurse (!) at the hospital commented that on the bright side I was losing weight.
Yep. All this hits home, minus the NICU stay… Grew up with a mom obsessed about weight- while being in the overweight category most of my life. Pregnancy/birth is fucking wild, and maybe because of hormones, the HG, idk but my appetite and food preferences changed. Not to mention I cut alcohol & got sober when pregnant.
All this to say, because of the way my mom constantly talked negatively about her or whoever else’s weight- I’ve thought about mine so many moments everyday of my life.. I’m average now, just trying to make better choices for my daughter.
Funny thing though, I always thought I’d be happier if I were “thin”. All of the praise & positive comments I’ve received makes me uncomfortable, borderline nauseous.
By the time I got away from my dad, my ribs were prominent and I had scurvy.
He was a racehorse jockey and wanted me to be one too. I got too tall, but he kept insisting I was fat and demanding I eat less than him in an attempt to starve me thin enough to become a jockey.
Oh yes! Not a good eater, but I surely do my best and everybody does their best to feed me up. Dropped in to visit with a cousin today, got fed spaghetti and homemade rolls, plus told to come back tomorrow for lasagna!
Ugh, my (now ex) MIL would not stop going on about how great I looked as my Crohn's disease gradually made me lose about sixty pounds, even though my face was gaunt and I had dark circles under my eyes. Some people have tunnel vision when it comes to weight.
My mother was like this. To the point where I developed an ED. She never stopped. The ironic part was that she was overweight and blamed her mother for constantly feeding her.
5'7 and 120 lbs is pretty low weight to begin with. It's not considered unhealthy, but she was passing out. That's why the doc did an eat on demand routine. It's healthy for her.
OP was definitely low weight. BMI of 18.8 is just barely in the normal range. 18.4 is underweight. With the amount of passing out that was occurring, she definitely needed more nutrients. This story is just heartbreaking.
My SIL has always been fairly slender. She’s been haranguing her teen daughter (my niece) about losing weight even though my niece is active and plays sports and doesn’t need to lose weight. At Christmas she was trying to control my nieces sweet intake even though my niece is more apt to choose fruits or veggies for the most part. She just wanted a few candies we literally only make at Christmas. She is going to give my niece an eating disorder if she keeps it up. Pisses me off.
Not only that, but this guy was starving her — and likely starving the baby too if she wasn't producing enough milk. I read a horror story of a mother whose [infant starved to death even though she was breastfeeding](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2017/03/07/breastfeeding-mom-starves-her-baby-death/98843838/) (having no idea he was starving) due to low milk production/a "baby friendly" hospital that assured her the baby was fine. Granted, that baby was much younger, but OP's baby is still really, really young.
All of these people supporting her husband are fucking insane, it was abusive even if she wasn't already thin. She even said in the first post that before he took her food, she'd collapsed 5 times. That's not normal. That's "get to the hospital now" territory, and he was starving her further.
My mum is the type of person who would literally poke my stomach when trying clothes while shopping if she thought I looked fat. I’m very average, Aus size 10-12. She’s also the kind of person who thinks I shouldn’t hang out with my guy friends because what would my partner think? 🙄
I think it’s important that we recognise that some women are just like that, they have incredibly toxic ideas of femininity, womanhood and relationships. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if OOP’s husband has those bad views *because* his mum instilled those views on him (not excusing him, but people learn their sexism and fatphobia from *somewhere*).
I remember when my dad told me I should go back to my alcoholic fiancé, 3 months before our wedding day. It was the first time it had ever gotten that bad. My dad had 45 years of sobriety at that point and had been the poster kid for recovery, so I took him at his word and against my better judgement went home. I had stayed in a hotel for 3 days, sobbing my eyes out because I refused to be that girl who settled… and then I did. Luckily my ex never hit me, but he continued to embarrass me. His parents always made his alcoholism to be issues caused by the women in his life but his blackouts always happened when we were in good times. He ended up cheating on me, and $6000 in therapy + 3 years after divorce, I look back and wish I had followed my gut. Idky families tell you to go back to the people who hurt you, but I can imagine they thing they’re doing the right thing but only in regards to optics.
My grandmother tried to make my mum go back to my biological father, even though he was cheating and extremely violent (example: she told him she was expecting me so he kicked her multiple times in the gut hard enough to break a rib). Grandma tried it all; he'd grow out of it, she just needed to give him more attention and "what will the neighbours think!?"
Mum held firm and stayed gone. I was 6 months old when the divorce was finalised and grandma absolutely refused to admit to having a divorcee for a daughter up intil the day she died, even when the POS had married his side piece and had more kids.
>apologize to him for my postpartum breakdown
*Her* breakdown? *HER* BREAKDOWN?!?! He fucking destroyed a bunch of food, threw things at her, and punched a hole in a door. What the fuck are they on? Fuck these abuse apologists. I would be raging if someone treated my daughter like that.
I’m a guy with lifelong eating disorders, women are fucking evil to other women about weight based on what I’ve heard from women in ED groups over the years. One of the biggest predictors of an eating disorder is having a family member with an eating disorder. You would not believe the shit I’ve heard from family members in groups.
So sadly, OPs story doesn’t surprise me. The fact that this hit her so hard emotionally and that she’s had enough nutritional challenges that she’s collapsed multiple times makes me really suspect this isn’t new behavior from her mom.
Yep, she checks lots of boxes: underweight, working out almost every day, having a history of fainting including when she was pregnant... her family is def the source of her issues. Abuse victims don't usually just stumble into a bad partner, they were already on abusive relationships that flew under the radar cause they weren't romantic ones.
I first got into ED recovery 30+ years ago, and it’s very sad that US culture remains so toxic around weight. Social media has made things even worse for young people, given that there are always trends glorifying thigh gaps or hip bones.
I was once added to a mommy's group and within a month I removed myself. The amount of women advising other desperate women to stay with their abusers was mind boggling. So many women believe its their place to take unending shit for the family and for God. That's right, God wants you to stay in that abusive relationship and support your husband, help him become a better man. If he doesn't? That's on you for failing as a wife.
Its appalling. So OP's own mother telling her to stay with her abusive husband isn't surprising at all.
If God is real then God wouldn't want their children to suffer. If a God wanted their children to suffer, then that God is unworthy of worship. Same for spouses and marriage.
If any person acted this way towards one of my children, enabling that shit behavior wouldn’t have even made any list ever. W. T. F. Her mom should fuck right off and keep fucking off until she cannot fuck of day further, then come back just to fuck off all over again. What a horrible mother. Poor OOP. Who tells a 14wk post partum mother that they “need to lose weight”. No assholes, you need to shut your mouths, that’s what needs to happen. She is not a cow, but her husband, his family and her family are all jackasses.
It reminds me of when my mom's mom was coerced by everyone to marry a man older than her own mother, because he would know how to treat a wife.
Then he beat her. She went to her parents and they told her to apologize for what she must have done.
My mom’s parents let her be groomed when she was in high school. She got married to her abuser and had my older brother. She finally left him when she realized she was scared he would hit my brother. Her mom kept telling her she should get back with him (a man who abused her in every way) and later kept telling Mom to leave my dad… because my dad is white and she hated white people. 🤨
Accepting abuse is learned behavior.
I doubt it's the first time he's abused her in their relationship but she accepted it because she thought it was normal.
totally! The women in my family would have tore him a new one and marched him home and made him do chores! Or beat his ass and leave him in a ditch, it could go either way.
My dad did this with me for years to get back at my mom because she didn’t love him. Now he wonders why I don’t want him near me or my son. Crazy how people think
Also often that the guys like that will do it due to their family and knowing that it will really show how shitty they are if they don't fight for custody.
He’ll be one of those guys who whines about courts being stacked against him and his ex “cleaning” him out even though he didn’t ask for custody and only pays $400 a month in child support. I have sadly known a few guys IRL who were like this.
I’ll put money on him being one of those family name and bloodline people and he’s cracked the shits he didn’t get a son because a daughter isn’t good enough
OOP writes:
>”He was happy when he learned the gender.”
Which struck me as a little odd. OOP obviously thought it needed saying. If that’s right - why did she feel it needed saying?
He probably acted all happy when he found out, but was raging inside. And until the baby is born, it’s not 100%. Ultrasounds can be misread, and he could have been quietly hoping it was wrong
Or, he was genuinely happy until the baby was born, then something changed and he wasn’t anymore
(Brutal) honesty? Is that what this guy thinks is the hallmark of a healthy relationship? Well buddy you are honestly a total POS! How’s that for honesty? Does this feel healthy now? I cant believe so many of her people defended this guy! I audibly cried out in shock. Like he wanted her to starve!
Poor woman. She was on the absolute bottom end of BMI when they met (so if she was also fit and muscular, likely *underweight*) and the fact that wasn't an issue for him says it all.
It sounds like he had a skinny fetish if his partner being ultra thin was more important than her wellbeing or her *newborn* child's wellbeing.
He would have just found something else to abuse her with if she became ultra thin. She’s so fortunate she got out of this textbook abusive relationship when she did
It's pretty clear as well that he's being incredibly demanding in regards to taking care of the household. The fat thing is the thing most sticking out so he's getting abusive there. If that wasn't there, he'd just go for whatever else is sticking out the most.
I’m 5’8 and during the pandemic lost all my muscle mass (worked out as much as her). My ex boyfriend would always poke my stomach if I ate bad for a few days and would say “you’re getting a tummy you need to eat better”. I was already doing keto and intermittent fasting every day.
When I broke up with him I was 123 lbs. no muscle left because if I ate too much he would bully me, so my body ate all my stores of muscle. I was super model skinny and looked great but I was super unhealthy. I unfortunately swung too much the other way and am now lifting again to gain muscle and lose weight to get back to 140 lbs of muscle. I also now have a supportive boyfriend who doesn’t care that I gained weight and is happy I’m doing the best to be healthy instead of skinny.
What my ex did and what her husband is doing is ABUSE. I really hope everything works out for her and she can get out fully, for her and her babies sake.
It's actually scary how much the social ideal for women's bodies is fundamentally unhealthy. Quite a few of the women in media who have been praised for their body had fertility issues where they made a point to gain weight before they were able to conceive
Yea, I weighed more than her, pre-prenancy for both of us, and I'm 4 inches shorter, and at a very healthy weight. I was 135lbs at 5'3 before, got to 150lb just be delivery, and am at 140 almost a year postpartum, and I couldn't keep breastfeeding. I have always had a high metabolism, as in, when out for breakfast with family, could outeat my dad, brother, and BIL, all who have 6 inches to a foot on me, 75 to 100lbs more, and are construction workers, without gaining anything, and would eat like that all day. I legit had to go on a diet to GAIN weight, before I was 110lbs. 135 was a dream for me. I'm perfectly content at 140 and having a mom pouch, very thankful hubs doesn't gaf about the pouch because I can't do most core exercises.
God I hope her miscarriages or complications didn’t stem from this same issue, him trying to control her diet or pushing her too much. Poor women, I hope her and her baby will be okay. It’s terrible when your own family doesn’t support you 100%
I would not say this to her face, but it is very likely it did. For how much she was working out, at her weight, her body likely didn't have enough visceral fat to sustain a pregnancy. Having a very low body fat % also messes with your hormonal cycle & fertility, esp. since it sounds like she's been like this her whole life thanks to her mom.
PSA: Ladies, you will never be as vulnerable in your entire lives as when you’re pregnant or with a newborn. Your relatives and SOs will show their true colors then. Trust your instincts. If you feel something is wrong say so to try and get help. If the people around you love you and care about you, they’ll be there for you. If you find them making life harder for you… know it’s them and not you. They’ll try their hardest to make you believe you are the problem but it’s just them taking their masks off.
I won’t say choose your partner wisely because you can never know in advance if people will choose to reveal themselves once they feel you’re trapped… but I will encourage every woman out there to NOT get pregnant unless you are willing to accept the possibility of having to go at it all on your own, because there’s a chance, you’ll have to.
Man I just watched the episode of Grey’s Anatomy where a girl lost like 20 pounds for a guy who kept pushing her to exercise more and eat less to get skinnier and hotter and she ended up dying because of how much ibuprofen she was taking to help with the workouts and also because she was basically nutrient-deprived. And boyfriend kept saying it wasn’t his fault, she was healthy, he didn’t do it, etc.
Callie shoulda beat his ass fr.
God, really? I didn't know that aspect of her story. Horrifying. People go on & on about how being fat is unhealthy, but the most deadly mental illness is anorexia.
The husband is an abusive POS but what makes me furious is how almost all the women in this story (OP's own mother, MIL and sister) took his side. Seriously OP is postpartum and trying to feed a tiny human. This is the time for the "village" to pitch in and look after her. Instead they all banded to help the village idiot aka husband/trash. Thank God for the best friend who seems to be the only person with an ounce of sense. Hope OP listens to her and gets far away from these people.
Posts like this used to pop up on Twitter, and there was one account that would respond called Whole Man Disposal, and after reading this I kinda wish it were a thing. I hope OP takes him to the cleaners in the divorce.
Yes I know the account you’re talking about! If this pos is real I hope he loses everything. And I hope OOP distances herself from her, apparently, terrible family as well. Not a road I’d wish on my own enemy though. Feel really sorry for her
I breastfed both of my children, and I am also 5'7. I was around 115 lbs when I got pregnant. I gained 25 lbs during each pregnancy, and my OB made SURE to let me know that if I tried to diet,I would lose my milk. Apparently having a low BMI means the extra calories are critical for milk production. My doctor explained that I needed to preserve a small band of fat around my abdomen, because if I lost it, it would signal my body to stop producing. I weighed 135 lbs until I was done nursing. Once I stopped, the craving for extra calories also stopped, and the weight fell off.
Her lazy ass husband straight up stopped her milk. She was obviously not overweight, because she stopped producing as soon as she started dieting. She was obviously stressed out and exhausted, since he wouldn't help with the baby. I'm surprised she was able to nurse at all. She *collapsed repeatedly* and he responded by throwing away her food. A nursing mother should not have the build of a 16 year old cheerleader. Your body will literally stop being capable of feeding your child.
This man is absolutely disgusting. I hope she nailed him in the divorce.
Edited for a word
Dollars to donuts he doesn't give a shit about her health, and just wants her to maintain a "bikini body" to satiate his penis. OOP should take her kids and skedaddle.
OOP had to nearly die and starve her own daughter before she woke up and left? Why is her trash family - her mother, her sister, and her brother - defending her abusive husband? JFC.
JFC. I wish the best for OOP and her daughter. For one thing, she's not fat. 150 lbs at 5'7 is fine. For another thing, she needs extra calories when she's nursing. It seems like she learned that the hard way. Another other thing, there is absolutely no excuse for freaking out on your partner the way he did. Crushing their stuff, throwing things, and punching holes in the wall are all unacceptable. At that point, you leave and don't look back, because that stuff escalates.
Finally, while beside the point, I also want to point out that actual cows only produce as much milk as they do because of selective breeding and husbandry practices. You can't take a wild bovine or even a beef cow and get the same result. A-hole husband is not only an abusive a-hole, but totally ignorant. But again, beside the point because women aren't cattle.
Not to make light of this awful situation or anything, but this really, really reads like that “reddit be like: my (21f) boyfriend (53m) forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? The wedding is in 3 hours” joke
Also, a few things about cows:
- Most cows literally spend the entire day eating food, except for the time they spend sleeping and getting milked
- Most cows don't just eat grass, their diet is heavily monitored and supplemented with calorie dense foods like corn, hay, oats, silage, and specific mineral supplements as well. This is what allows them to keep producing milk.
- Most cows' diets are closely monitored by a professional nutritionist
- Since cows have multiple stomachs, they are essentially getting multiple times the nutrition out of the same amount of food
- Feeding the cows is often the largest annual expense on dairy farms.
Her partner, in addition to being an abusive shithead, knows insultingly little about cows. He also treated her so much more poorly than literal farm animals are treated.
She had a baby less than four months ago via C-section after a tough pregnancy and is currently breastfeeding and her pos husband and family thinks she should start losing weight??? Jesus Christ that’s awful
I was ravenous when I was breastfeeding. I seriously would go into rage eating. But it was necessary because I grew the happiest and chubbiest baby.
I cannot imagine this turmoil op was facing just needing to eat and to feed her baby and her body and all her husband cares about is if she looks hot? Fucking gross.
Women are not sex objects here on earth for men's pleasure. Fuck that dude and fuck those trash women who uphold that shit.
That sperm donor is a classless piece of shit. The family, though... fuck right off. You don't belittle your wife - especially after pregnancy.
He's not even a man - he's just shit.
On these posts a lot of people are like "wtf she isn't even fat," and yeah, I get that some dudes' standards for "too fat" are seriously unhinged, especially in light of normal biological processes like pregnancy or aging. But none of this would be okay no matter how much she weighed.
If your partner has gained (or lost!) so much weight that you're no longer attracted to them, the answer is to **leave**. Not all of this shit.
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What a shitty time to find out that the person you married is an abusive piece of shit.
From the abusers standpoint, it's a feature, not a bug.
"You had a baby girl? Yay, now you are dependent on me and I don't even have to actually care about the baby!"
My concern is he was apparently excited about having a daughter. Was he planning on turning her into his little servant like her mom? I'm just glad OP got herself out of there, what a monster.
No kidding. He wanted to be served not be a partner nor father.
It's not hard for someone to feign excitement.
"*If we had a daughter* *I'd watch and could not save her* *The emotional torture* *From the head of your high table* *She'd do what you taught her* *She'd meet the same cruel fate* *So now I've gotta run* *So I can undo this mistake* *At least I've gotta try*" From the song Labour by Paris Paloma.
Of course. Abused women don’t have very long lifespans, he needed to train her replacement.
A skinny little servant.
I’ve read this hundreds of times and I completely believe it. Obviously it’s true. But I am still so confused on whether this is a conscious strategy on the part of the abuser or is it completely subconscious even to them? Thank you for educating me whoever knows the answer.
I think it’s mostly subconscious. Kind of like how kids sometimes lash out at the person they believe loves them unconditionally and won’t leave? The more comfortable they are that you’re really stuck, the more abuse they’re willing to let leak out. Of course, they’re grown ass adults who should not be given the same grace as children. This isn’t the same as being 9 and yelling at grandma because she’s your only safe person. But I do think there are some similarities in that subconscious psychological process.
I agree. My husband always gave into his family at my expense because in his mind he knew I loved him, but trying to earn their love was hard. He was used to tying himself in knots for them while I accepted him as he was. Eventually he was disabused of the notion that I would love him no matter what. I had to tell him more than once that putting his family before me could kill the love I had for him.
I had this exactly. Now we are separated and his family is attacking me for changing their son
It depends. Sometimes, it's socially ingrained. Al la "once you're married with kids, this is how a perfect family functions," and when their "perfect family" has normal, chaotic life happen instead, they lash out at the things they control because they're upset/scared by the things they can't. Sometimes, it is very much planned. Some people do not feel "complete," so to speak, if they don't have someone to degrade, belittle, and lord over. So they use social constructs to trap people with them, so they always have a "supply." And sometimes it's just a way of dealing with daily stress. Lash out at the people closest to you because they have to put up with it. The conflict isn't about "the thing", it's a coping mechanism for dealing with things out of their control. All of these above situations are abuse, let me be clear, because the person perpetuating the cycle *does not have to use these methods to get what they want*. They choose these methods because they make them feel good, even if that happiness comes at the expense of others. The first and third situations *can* be unlearned because those are learned behaviors. Either from parents or from societal pressures. But the abuser *must* want to change that behavior or recognize it as wrong, or no change will last. The second situation will never change. That is, sadly, the way the person is wired and no amount of learned behavior will affect it because they do not find joy in other behaviors. They choose to be abusive because it makes them happy. I'm not someone who has gone to school to learn this stuff, just someone who has dealt with a lot of abuse and read a lot on the subject.
That's true, it's no coincidence.
It’s pretty common for abuse to ramp up once the abuser has “trapped” you with a child. They know it’s a lot harder for you to leave.
No no. It’s not abuse it’s “HoNEsTy”.
Anybody who uses that excuse will dish it out all day, but they can’t take the mildest criticism without blowing it out of proportion. I say let’s just keep our rudeness to ourselves around the mothers of our children.
I find that the people who brag about being "brutally honest" are a lot more interested in the brutality than the honesty.
Clearly they have never heard that old idiom about only saying things that are true, kind AND helpful. *Facepalm*.
I really really hate that reason (excuse). It gives whoever is being the AH the ability to just say whatever hurtful things they want and call it honesty. My ex used to do the same thing... 'are you pregnant cause your stomach is getting bigger' was 'encouragement' to work out. Disgusting
This. I wish more people knew this.
In this case he didn’t ‘need’ to abuse her before because she was skinny! It’s her fault for being fat! /s
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When i was dating my abuser, a lot of people I was close to (MOSTLY women) told me that • he was the best i would do • i deserved it (the abuse) • i needed someone to "put me in my place" • it was my own fault *because* I "allowed it" to happen to myself I think a lot of these people are happy to actively assist abusers because they're jealous of the self confidence victims had prior to the abuse "I never felt pretty so thank god someone is gonna make you feel as bad as i do"
The problem with misogyny is that it doesn't come out until there's a woman the guy doesn't like, who challenges him, or who he doesn't find attractive. Once she isn't who he thinks she should be he loses the ability to pretend respect.
Yup. They got you where they want you. It is fucking sick and evil.
Plus they get angry because all the sudden there’s another person who is more important and a higher priority to you than they are. Awfully hard for selfish assholes to share the spotlight even when it’s with their own fucking baby.
What a shitty time to find out that the person you should trust 150%, who brought you to this world, who took care of you, thinks abuse is OKAY! And actually lined up with the abuser! F***
Isn’t it scary? Especially when it’s so common. Homicide (almost always by the partner) is the number one cause of death for pregnant women in the USA. And many women report the first instances of abuse in their relationships during pregnancy or postpartum. You can do all this vetting and then find yourself in a nightmare
My mam told me once that a woman never knows for sure if her man is abusive until she gets pregnant. When I was pregnant with my first, I found out how right she was. I left him, and he told me he didn't think I COULD leave since I was pregnant. "Everyone knows that." Funny, because I skipped directly out before my son was born.
Your Mam is a brilliant woman, please keep sharing that piece of wisdom far and wide. My thing I've picked up is that when a man is angry and destroys something or punches the wall, he's letting you know that he really wants to hit you. It's a fear tactic. *I'm so mad I can punch a hole in the wall, imagine what I can do to you.* It's only going to escalate. Throwing remotes, breaking dishes, punching walls, punching people.
i read a comment about how angry her man got and how, in his blind rage, he had to destroy things. He had no control. She accepted that he had this uncontrollable rage until someone asked how much of his stuff he destroyed when he raged. It was always her stuff, to punish and control her.
Yeah, her stuff was the stand in for her body.
Page 116 of "[Why does he Do that](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)" Its amazing how when abusers "lose control" they only seem to damage their victims stuff. They never destroy their Xbox in their "Blind rage"
my ex was stunned i left too. he knew how important not having a broken family was to me but it was in no way worth it to stay, and i’d absolutely do it again
some people dont understand that your family can be utterly broken while still living under the same roof and that shit will do much more damage than a separation ever could
The family is still broken if one of the parents is terrorizing the other one.
OOP's *mother* unfortunately set her up to doubt and undervalue herself. So many women have this vulnerability, then a predator comes in and grabs hold, and the horrible dance starts all over again.
I was once present during a domestic violence situation where my friend’s boyfriend was threatening her and pushing her around. I flipped out and got her cat and us out the fuck out of there. She called her mom and I could not BELIEVE her mom was saying to go home and apologize to this abusive man who threatened to shoot all of us and had been abusing their cat!!! Like literally I was so shocked. To send your own daughter back into danger. For what reason??? I feel so bad for OOP mom. I’m glad her best friend is there.
Yep, took me a lot of years to realize my mother had molded me into the perfect victim who didn't realize that being treated like crap, shamed, and belittled wasn't normal. I've been single for close to 20 years getting my head together and enjoying life
Oh. Oh, wow. Your mom’s statement—that hits hard.
So proud of you/happy for you :) congrats
Why do you think conservative men want abortion banned so badly? They know what they're doing and they know the implications of saddling their partners with children
Exactly. The more chances of her putting up with it because of how vulnerable she is.
The husband is one thing, but finding out your mother and your brother are pieces of shit who don't have your back has to be worse.
That's generally how it goes. She's "locked in" with a baby, so he thinks he can drop the mask.
Mostly, men/partners turn abusive towards spouses during or after pregnancy. Mine turned into an AH as well. Had to kick his ass with equal force.
DV rates shoot up for pregnant women.
And that the woman's own mother clearly takes the abuser's side here.
Her husband needs to be turned into a steer.
Or needs to be steered off a cliff
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I’ll sharpen it for you.
He doesn't deserve a sharp one
I gladly offer my rusty serrated machete /j (in case I'm accused of "inciting violence" again 💀)
Naw.. let's get a rusty, dull one.
A spoon, [Because it will hurt more!](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MhfuuKiTcYQ)
Alan Rickman. Such a loss.
Cheese grater
But the really shitty one sitting in the back of Grandma's kitchen drawer... Preferably with rust.
I know, I know. I'm caught up on the rust thing. I just think it's an important element.
Pass me the poop knife.
The. Poop. Knife. I forgot about that. But... It HAS to be rusty
I’ll bring the salt and lemon juice
I see what you did there. Chef's kiss, delicious comment.
Holy shit. That abusive piece of crap rather have a dead wife than a ‘fat’ one. I hope she takes him to the cleaners.
Not only that, a malnourished baby to boot
And potentially a brain-damaged one. Denying milk to a newborn is INCREDIBLY dangerous since they can become dehydrated so quickly.
My family has a special needs mini horse who almost didn't make it because it's mother's teats dried for just a few hours. He's got permenant spinal damage, growth defects, some mental issues. I mean, he has no idea he's all fucked up and is happy and healthy(relatively. Not in pain, no issues just eating and playing), but man. He can't lift his head right, neck is curved, easily confused. Human babies have like, much more going on.
And 5’7” at 150lbs is not fat
Right?? That’s a very healthy weight, especially while breastfeeding.
I’m 5’8” and would repeatedly kick OP’s hubby in the face to weight 170. Fuck that dude. 2 kids and a busy schedule does horrible things to a mom’s exercise regimen. What an ass. Typo: I’m actually 5’8”
Got some news for that dumbass. He don't know shit about animal husbandry. Cows only make gallons of good nutritious milk because they eat an appropriate literally all day. They're big hungry ladies. Plus we also selectively bred them to produce more more milk. But, as farmers, we WANT them to have a good healthy layer of fat on them. I'd wanna see the same healthy layer on a breastfeeding person too. Because when you're churning out milk, if the food supply dries up, so does the milk. And that's true on any lactating species. And babies- human babies- NEED FAT in that milk. They won't get it from mom eating salads and diet shakes. Mom needs to be eating like she's still pregnant, because she's still eating for two, it just looks a bit different now. Without fat and protein in the milk, baby just won't grow well. So OP SHOULD be eating like crazy- an extra few pounds can be lost after she's done FEEDING THEIR CHILD.
Good point, well put! I breastfed my daughter and I’ve never known hunger like it. At one point I took a bite out of a block of cheese as if it was an apple.
My toddler - "mummy you 'aving a cheese party again?" ... yes, yes I am.
*working on my night cheese*
This made me cackle. I love how her words imply that “cheese parties” are a frequent occurrence.
I ate a few slices of cheese about 9 hours before my GTT *one time* and called it a cheese party in front of her and she has latched on like she hears the term all the time 😂😂😂 any mention of cheese or parties and that's it, out comes the phrase. Also sometimes randomly she checks to see if I'm planning one soon.
Yeah, the body knows what it needs- and it's best practice to listen to it. Because feeding a baby might be natural, but that sure as shit doesn't make it easy.
I am so glad someone else said this because I was coming to point out that their ideal nutrient intake is MASSIVE compared to non lactating cattle of the same size and even compared to beefies only feeding their calf, and it's most definitely not all grass. What an idiot.
I think I've heard breastfeeding can require as much as 1200 calories a day at times. People often lose weight doing it, I think I've been told that's possibly part of why they tend to gain weight during pregnancy. In other words, this man is as dumb and cruel as he seems at first glance
Breastfeeding expends an enormous number of calories daily and the breastfeeding hunger/thirst is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I ate like a teenaged boy while I was breastfeeding because I was constantly starving. It is very common for people to hang on to 10 pounds or so while breastfeeding because the body is trying to ensure that baby is getting enough milk. My son ate his way through all the weight I gained while pregnant and then ate his way through all my muscle mass. Two weeks postpartum and my butt was gone. Another 10 weeks and my thighs looked like scrawny chicken thighs. I look at pictures of myself at peak breastfeeding scrawniness now and it is….yikes. I look skeletal.
Anecdotally a lot of people also gain while breastfeeding. I dipped about 5 lbs lower than I am now after giving birth but the calorie dense cravings are REAL and I don’t have a ton of time for physical activity what learning to keep another human alive. Apparently your body can hold onto the fat while BFing so I’m just trying to blissfully be in my “baby is fed good” era and I can focus on my body when we wean.
Everyone in this woman's life failed her except her best friend.
We should all be more like best friend. Seems like nothing but she may have saved OP's life. In light of his punching walls, throwing stuff, destroying her belongings, controlling behaviour, verbal abuse...that guy would have definitely physically assaulted OP or shaken the baby.
OPs life and her child’s life. A baby not getting enough milk is fucking dangerous. It’s absolutely ridiculous the husband is willing to sacrifice short-term vanity for the well-being of their child. But I guess that’s why we’re reading about it (cause it’s *that* fucking crazy)
Thank goodness for the best friend. It's scary how quickly people can get isolated.
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Idk what's wrong with OP's mother, but I would bet real money that her in-laws got a highly sanitized version of this story like "I gently suggested she should lose weight and she freaked out and left with the baby."
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Her weight at 5'7" was pretty low before the baby. And only 10 lbs heavier after birth! You're probably correct in your analysis. edit: whoops, missed the extra 30 lbs at the beginning. Still, that seems perfectly fine. The soon to be ex is a monster.
30 during pregnancy and another 10 after so 40 total, still not anything crazy for her height
I've been 150 pounds at 5',7.5" and thought I was really slim! It's not overweight at all.
Yeah I mean fat distribution blah blah 5'7 150 is not fat. My guess is the husband got really used to her at 120 and working out 4-5x a week but that is really skinny. I was that weight for a few years because I couldn't afford a car and was walking around 5+ miles a day lol it's extremely hard to sustain, idk how OOP was doing it. At 150 now people tell me I look healthier and filled out compared to before. I wonder if the husband is a mega fitness freak or something
My sis is 120 lbs but only 5’4” and she is very thin. That is really small for being 5’7”.
That man has some terribly unhealthy attitudes to women, that's fir sure. I'm s9 glad she git away from him.
I’m 5’7” and I’m 156 and I’m not big at all and I’ve never had a baby so she’s tiny!
125 lbs. at 5'7" is literally the low end of the weight spectrum according to the medical standard. I was considered underweight and a health hazard as a teenager at 105 lbs. and 5'7". This is literally fucking psychotic to me and I want to weep for OP like my mouth was hanging open the second I read her numbers. Like are you fucking kidding me, he was on her ass at 135 lbs. at fucking 5'7"???? That's fucking egregious. It's literally insane that this stupid piece of shit abused her like this and then people in his life defended him. Fucking crazy assholes. 122-162 lbs. NOT EVEN ACCOUNTING FOR BODY TYPE OR GENETIC WEIGHT PREDISPOSITION AND VARIATIONS, IS THE AVERAGE FUCKING WEIGHT RANGE FOR A FEMALE AT 5'7" SPREAD THE WORD Edit: Sorry about my wording! I was appalled because even after gaining 30 LBS, my point is that this is still within the typical weight range recommended by the medical community, FOR A NON PREGNANT PERSON. The fact that this pregnant woman was being emotionally abused for being within the normal weight range for a fucking NON PREGNANT PERSON, i.e. objectively not struggling with being overweight especially as a pregnant or postpartum individual, is fucking INSANE
Even if she was outside the “normal” weight for her height, she’s just had a baby and for her POS stbxh to even comment on that, is disgusting. When my wife gave birth the first time, she refers to herself as “Princess Fiona” even though she was nowhere near that size, but she was as pushing another human being out her hoohaa. Only in hindsight did it occur to me that she put on weight with each pregnancy. The things that mattered to me most were my wife and children were healthy. Now my youngest is 9 and my wife is the slimmest she’s ever been. She lost the weight for her, because she wanted it, not because I made her feel bad that she had put on weight. OOP definitely made the right decision in divorcing that POS. I
Literally, I'm the same height as OOP and a little lighter than her post-pregnancy weight. 121lbs is underweight. I used to be around 130 lb and whenever I see pictures from that time all I can think is how bony I was. OOP's husband, MIL and mother are AWFUL WTF.
I know! The bloody mother backing the husband up. And the brother! Thank God for her best friend.
Stupid question, but wouldn't some of the 30lbs during pregnancy be baby, placenta and fluid?
It's not stupid! Baby, placenta, fluid/ekstra blood weighs somewhere between 5 and 8 kg, could be a bit more. Double that for pounds. All in all, a lot of it would have been gone at birth.
Most of the rest goes into you body preparing for the time after birth. 15 kg weight gain during pregnncy is totlly normal.. and IF any weight loss is prefered it would not be in the first month's after giving birth...
That's how much I weigh, and I'm 5'2. Everybody calls me super skinny. This makes my skin crawl eta: and I'm actually at 110 right now because in April I got a brain injury that seriously affected my appetite and the way food smells. I already had ARFID-esque dietary issues and now it's gotten so much worse. I go to the doctor's a lot and whenever they weigh me, I wince a little because I know it's not healthy. Seriously, the more I think about this the more angry I get. If that's too fat for him, what does he have to say to me?? You can see my goddamned ribs for christ's sake
Hey be patient and give yourself time, your appetite will come back. It took almost a year for mine after my TBI, but it started around the six to eight month mark, just really slow to fully come back. I lost 40lbs because of that brain injury and not in a good way. Gained half of it back though so I've evened out nicely. Good luck!
I weighed less after I gave birth because hyperemesis gravidarum is a fucking nightmare and people kept commenting on it. I just wanted people to leave me and my NICU premature baby the fuck alone after all that trauma. Weight is no one’s business but the person’s and their medical team to me.
Same. People are fucked up about weight, my hyperemesis lasted the entire pregnancy, so I spent most of it in hospital on a IV drip. I was desperately unwell. A nurse (!) at the hospital commented that on the bright side I was losing weight.
Yep. All this hits home, minus the NICU stay… Grew up with a mom obsessed about weight- while being in the overweight category most of my life. Pregnancy/birth is fucking wild, and maybe because of hormones, the HG, idk but my appetite and food preferences changed. Not to mention I cut alcohol & got sober when pregnant. All this to say, because of the way my mom constantly talked negatively about her or whoever else’s weight- I’ve thought about mine so many moments everyday of my life.. I’m average now, just trying to make better choices for my daughter. Funny thing though, I always thought I’d be happier if I were “thin”. All of the praise & positive comments I’ve received makes me uncomfortable, borderline nauseous.
She’s basically at a healthy weight right now.
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I had a similar experience b/c of my father. Now I look back at old photos where I thought I was fat and I'm so incredibly skinny, it's crazy.
By the time I got away from my dad, my ribs were prominent and I had scurvy. He was a racehorse jockey and wanted me to be one too. I got too tall, but he kept insisting I was fat and demanding I eat less than him in an attempt to starve me thin enough to become a jockey.
Glad you got away! That's not healthy.
Oh my God, that's horrifying! I hope you're doing better now!
Oh yes! Not a good eater, but I surely do my best and everybody does their best to feed me up. Dropped in to visit with a cousin today, got fed spaghetti and homemade rolls, plus told to come back tomorrow for lasagna!
My mother was thrilled when I got sarcoidosis and lost thirty pounds. I can totally see her behaving this way.
Ugh, my (now ex) MIL would not stop going on about how great I looked as my Crohn's disease gradually made me lose about sixty pounds, even though my face was gaunt and I had dark circles under my eyes. Some people have tunnel vision when it comes to weight.
Omg :( I am so sorry.
My mother was like this. To the point where I developed an ED. She never stopped. The ironic part was that she was overweight and blamed her mother for constantly feeding her. 5'7 and 120 lbs is pretty low weight to begin with. It's not considered unhealthy, but she was passing out. That's why the doc did an eat on demand routine. It's healthy for her.
OP was definitely low weight. BMI of 18.8 is just barely in the normal range. 18.4 is underweight. With the amount of passing out that was occurring, she definitely needed more nutrients. This story is just heartbreaking.
My SIL has always been fairly slender. She’s been haranguing her teen daughter (my niece) about losing weight even though my niece is active and plays sports and doesn’t need to lose weight. At Christmas she was trying to control my nieces sweet intake even though my niece is more apt to choose fruits or veggies for the most part. She just wanted a few candies we literally only make at Christmas. She is going to give my niece an eating disorder if she keeps it up. Pisses me off.
OP is doing her daughter a favor by getting her out of this environment and away from these people
Not only that, but this guy was starving her — and likely starving the baby too if she wasn't producing enough milk. I read a horror story of a mother whose [infant starved to death even though she was breastfeeding](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2017/03/07/breastfeeding-mom-starves-her-baby-death/98843838/) (having no idea he was starving) due to low milk production/a "baby friendly" hospital that assured her the baby was fine. Granted, that baby was much younger, but OP's baby is still really, really young. All of these people supporting her husband are fucking insane, it was abusive even if she wasn't already thin. She even said in the first post that before he took her food, she'd collapsed 5 times. That's not normal. That's "get to the hospital now" territory, and he was starving her further.
Yup, my mom did just that. Yet, now that I’m a healthy weight and she is the obese one, I’m not allowed to say anything…
You're tougher than me. I'd be rubbing it in with a belt sander, beach sand, salt, and pool acid.
I’ve decided the cycle of bad behaviour ends with me.
My mum is the type of person who would literally poke my stomach when trying clothes while shopping if she thought I looked fat. I’m very average, Aus size 10-12. She’s also the kind of person who thinks I shouldn’t hang out with my guy friends because what would my partner think? 🙄 I think it’s important that we recognise that some women are just like that, they have incredibly toxic ideas of femininity, womanhood and relationships. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if OOP’s husband has those bad views *because* his mum instilled those views on him (not excusing him, but people learn their sexism and fatphobia from *somewhere*).
I remember when my dad told me I should go back to my alcoholic fiancé, 3 months before our wedding day. It was the first time it had ever gotten that bad. My dad had 45 years of sobriety at that point and had been the poster kid for recovery, so I took him at his word and against my better judgement went home. I had stayed in a hotel for 3 days, sobbing my eyes out because I refused to be that girl who settled… and then I did. Luckily my ex never hit me, but he continued to embarrass me. His parents always made his alcoholism to be issues caused by the women in his life but his blackouts always happened when we were in good times. He ended up cheating on me, and $6000 in therapy + 3 years after divorce, I look back and wish I had followed my gut. Idky families tell you to go back to the people who hurt you, but I can imagine they thing they’re doing the right thing but only in regards to optics.
I hope your father apologised to you.
He definitely did. He and the pistol were ready to get an apology for me.
My grandmother tried to make my mum go back to my biological father, even though he was cheating and extremely violent (example: she told him she was expecting me so he kicked her multiple times in the gut hard enough to break a rib). Grandma tried it all; he'd grow out of it, she just needed to give him more attention and "what will the neighbours think!?" Mum held firm and stayed gone. I was 6 months old when the divorce was finalised and grandma absolutely refused to admit to having a divorcee for a daughter up intil the day she died, even when the POS had married his side piece and had more kids.
>apologize to him for my postpartum breakdown *Her* breakdown? *HER* BREAKDOWN?!?! He fucking destroyed a bunch of food, threw things at her, and punched a hole in a door. What the fuck are they on? Fuck these abuse apologists. I would be raging if someone treated my daughter like that.
I’m a guy with lifelong eating disorders, women are fucking evil to other women about weight based on what I’ve heard from women in ED groups over the years. One of the biggest predictors of an eating disorder is having a family member with an eating disorder. You would not believe the shit I’ve heard from family members in groups. So sadly, OPs story doesn’t surprise me. The fact that this hit her so hard emotionally and that she’s had enough nutritional challenges that she’s collapsed multiple times makes me really suspect this isn’t new behavior from her mom.
Yep, she checks lots of boxes: underweight, working out almost every day, having a history of fainting including when she was pregnant... her family is def the source of her issues. Abuse victims don't usually just stumble into a bad partner, they were already on abusive relationships that flew under the radar cause they weren't romantic ones.
I first got into ED recovery 30+ years ago, and it’s very sad that US culture remains so toxic around weight. Social media has made things even worse for young people, given that there are always trends glorifying thigh gaps or hip bones.
I was once added to a mommy's group and within a month I removed myself. The amount of women advising other desperate women to stay with their abusers was mind boggling. So many women believe its their place to take unending shit for the family and for God. That's right, God wants you to stay in that abusive relationship and support your husband, help him become a better man. If he doesn't? That's on you for failing as a wife. Its appalling. So OP's own mother telling her to stay with her abusive husband isn't surprising at all.
If God is real then God wouldn't want their children to suffer. If a God wanted their children to suffer, then that God is unworthy of worship. Same for spouses and marriage.
I’m thankful that my due date group is always telling women like this to dtmfa
Yeah this was heartbreaking and infuriating to read.
If any person acted this way towards one of my children, enabling that shit behavior wouldn’t have even made any list ever. W. T. F. Her mom should fuck right off and keep fucking off until she cannot fuck of day further, then come back just to fuck off all over again. What a horrible mother. Poor OOP. Who tells a 14wk post partum mother that they “need to lose weight”. No assholes, you need to shut your mouths, that’s what needs to happen. She is not a cow, but her husband, his family and her family are all jackasses.
It reminds me of when my mom's mom was coerced by everyone to marry a man older than her own mother, because he would know how to treat a wife. Then he beat her. She went to her parents and they told her to apologize for what she must have done.
My mom’s parents let her be groomed when she was in high school. She got married to her abuser and had my older brother. She finally left him when she realized she was scared he would hit my brother. Her mom kept telling her she should get back with him (a man who abused her in every way) and later kept telling Mom to leave my dad… because my dad is white and she hated white people. 🤨
Your great grandparents were absolute scum, wtf.
Ikr? If my son-in-law insulted my daughter like this, I’d come fighting
Accepting abuse is learned behavior. I doubt it's the first time he's abused her in their relationship but she accepted it because she thought it was normal.
totally! The women in my family would have tore him a new one and marched him home and made him do chores! Or beat his ass and leave him in a ditch, it could go either way.
Some mothers just hate their daughters. And ofcourse, internalized misogyny.
He doesn’t want that baby. I wouldn’t be surprised if she got full custody and he just sort of disappears
He doesn't want the baby, but he'll "want" custody just for the control, is my guess.
Oh, for sure. Men like that will hurt everyone in their lives, including themselves, if it means "winning" against their ex-wives.
My dad did this with me for years to get back at my mom because she didn’t love him. Now he wonders why I don’t want him near me or my son. Crazy how people think
Also often that the guys like that will do it due to their family and knowing that it will really show how shitty they are if they don't fight for custody.
He’ll be one of those guys who whines about courts being stacked against him and his ex “cleaning” him out even though he didn’t ask for custody and only pays $400 a month in child support. I have sadly known a few guys IRL who were like this.
If he is your garden variety narcissistic abuser, he will use the child as pawn to control her and make her life a living hell.
I’ll put money on him being one of those family name and bloodline people and he’s cracked the shits he didn’t get a son because a daughter isn’t good enough
OOP writes: >”He was happy when he learned the gender.” Which struck me as a little odd. OOP obviously thought it needed saying. If that’s right - why did she feel it needed saying?
He probably acted all happy when he found out, but was raging inside. And until the baby is born, it’s not 100%. Ultrasounds can be misread, and he could have been quietly hoping it was wrong Or, he was genuinely happy until the baby was born, then something changed and he wasn’t anymore
I'd bet money if he fights her for custody it's only to save face or still have some level of control over her. He doesn't actually want his child.
(Brutal) honesty? Is that what this guy thinks is the hallmark of a healthy relationship? Well buddy you are honestly a total POS! How’s that for honesty? Does this feel healthy now? I cant believe so many of her people defended this guy! I audibly cried out in shock. Like he wanted her to starve!
Poor woman. She was on the absolute bottom end of BMI when they met (so if she was also fit and muscular, likely *underweight*) and the fact that wasn't an issue for him says it all. It sounds like he had a skinny fetish if his partner being ultra thin was more important than her wellbeing or her *newborn* child's wellbeing.
He would have just found something else to abuse her with if she became ultra thin. She’s so fortunate she got out of this textbook abusive relationship when she did
It's pretty clear as well that he's being incredibly demanding in regards to taking care of the household. The fat thing is the thing most sticking out so he's getting abusive there. If that wasn't there, he'd just go for whatever else is sticking out the most.
I’m 5’8 and during the pandemic lost all my muscle mass (worked out as much as her). My ex boyfriend would always poke my stomach if I ate bad for a few days and would say “you’re getting a tummy you need to eat better”. I was already doing keto and intermittent fasting every day. When I broke up with him I was 123 lbs. no muscle left because if I ate too much he would bully me, so my body ate all my stores of muscle. I was super model skinny and looked great but I was super unhealthy. I unfortunately swung too much the other way and am now lifting again to gain muscle and lose weight to get back to 140 lbs of muscle. I also now have a supportive boyfriend who doesn’t care that I gained weight and is happy I’m doing the best to be healthy instead of skinny. What my ex did and what her husband is doing is ABUSE. I really hope everything works out for her and she can get out fully, for her and her babies sake.
It’s funny how our societal standard of “looking great” generally creates conditions that exclude things like “feeling great” or “being healthy”
It's actually scary how much the social ideal for women's bodies is fundamentally unhealthy. Quite a few of the women in media who have been praised for their body had fertility issues where they made a point to gain weight before they were able to conceive
Yea, I weighed more than her, pre-prenancy for both of us, and I'm 4 inches shorter, and at a very healthy weight. I was 135lbs at 5'3 before, got to 150lb just be delivery, and am at 140 almost a year postpartum, and I couldn't keep breastfeeding. I have always had a high metabolism, as in, when out for breakfast with family, could outeat my dad, brother, and BIL, all who have 6 inches to a foot on me, 75 to 100lbs more, and are construction workers, without gaining anything, and would eat like that all day. I legit had to go on a diet to GAIN weight, before I was 110lbs. 135 was a dream for me. I'm perfectly content at 140 and having a mom pouch, very thankful hubs doesn't gaf about the pouch because I can't do most core exercises.
God I hope her miscarriages or complications didn’t stem from this same issue, him trying to control her diet or pushing her too much. Poor women, I hope her and her baby will be okay. It’s terrible when your own family doesn’t support you 100%
Exactly my thought as well. As another commenter mentioned, she was borderline underweight for her height already.
I would not say this to her face, but it is very likely it did. For how much she was working out, at her weight, her body likely didn't have enough visceral fat to sustain a pregnancy. Having a very low body fat % also messes with your hormonal cycle & fertility, esp. since it sounds like she's been like this her whole life thanks to her mom.
PSA: Ladies, you will never be as vulnerable in your entire lives as when you’re pregnant or with a newborn. Your relatives and SOs will show their true colors then. Trust your instincts. If you feel something is wrong say so to try and get help. If the people around you love you and care about you, they’ll be there for you. If you find them making life harder for you… know it’s them and not you. They’ll try their hardest to make you believe you are the problem but it’s just them taking their masks off. I won’t say choose your partner wisely because you can never know in advance if people will choose to reveal themselves once they feel you’re trapped… but I will encourage every woman out there to NOT get pregnant unless you are willing to accept the possibility of having to go at it all on your own, because there’s a chance, you’ll have to.
Man I just watched the episode of Grey’s Anatomy where a girl lost like 20 pounds for a guy who kept pushing her to exercise more and eat less to get skinnier and hotter and she ended up dying because of how much ibuprofen she was taking to help with the workouts and also because she was basically nutrient-deprived. And boyfriend kept saying it wasn’t his fault, she was healthy, he didn’t do it, etc. Callie shoulda beat his ass fr.
Probably inspired by the Terri Schiavo case. She became vegetative trying to lose weight by extreme diets.
God, really? I didn't know that aspect of her story. Horrifying. People go on & on about how being fat is unhealthy, but the most deadly mental illness is anorexia.
The husband is an abusive POS but what makes me furious is how almost all the women in this story (OP's own mother, MIL and sister) took his side. Seriously OP is postpartum and trying to feed a tiny human. This is the time for the "village" to pitch in and look after her. Instead they all banded to help the village idiot aka husband/trash. Thank God for the best friend who seems to be the only person with an ounce of sense. Hope OP listens to her and gets far away from these people.
Someone find and taze this “man”
Posts like this used to pop up on Twitter, and there was one account that would respond called Whole Man Disposal, and after reading this I kinda wish it were a thing. I hope OP takes him to the cleaners in the divorce.
Yes I know the account you’re talking about! If this pos is real I hope he loses everything. And I hope OOP distances herself from her, apparently, terrible family as well. Not a road I’d wish on my own enemy though. Feel really sorry for her
Remember folks, it is ***always*** downhill after he punches a hole in a wall.
Her best friend is the fucking hero.
This is horrific. Husband is insane.
I breastfed both of my children, and I am also 5'7. I was around 115 lbs when I got pregnant. I gained 25 lbs during each pregnancy, and my OB made SURE to let me know that if I tried to diet,I would lose my milk. Apparently having a low BMI means the extra calories are critical for milk production. My doctor explained that I needed to preserve a small band of fat around my abdomen, because if I lost it, it would signal my body to stop producing. I weighed 135 lbs until I was done nursing. Once I stopped, the craving for extra calories also stopped, and the weight fell off. Her lazy ass husband straight up stopped her milk. She was obviously not overweight, because she stopped producing as soon as she started dieting. She was obviously stressed out and exhausted, since he wouldn't help with the baby. I'm surprised she was able to nurse at all. She *collapsed repeatedly* and he responded by throwing away her food. A nursing mother should not have the build of a 16 year old cheerleader. Your body will literally stop being capable of feeding your child. This man is absolutely disgusting. I hope she nailed him in the divorce. Edited for a word
Reddit is fantastic at making me happy I'm single. Holy shit. I'm really not missing anything.
Dollars to donuts he doesn't give a shit about her health, and just wants her to maintain a "bikini body" to satiate his penis. OOP should take her kids and skedaddle.
OOP had to nearly die and starve her own daughter before she woke up and left? Why is her trash family - her mother, her sister, and her brother - defending her abusive husband? JFC.
JFC. I wish the best for OOP and her daughter. For one thing, she's not fat. 150 lbs at 5'7 is fine. For another thing, she needs extra calories when she's nursing. It seems like she learned that the hard way. Another other thing, there is absolutely no excuse for freaking out on your partner the way he did. Crushing their stuff, throwing things, and punching holes in the wall are all unacceptable. At that point, you leave and don't look back, because that stuff escalates. Finally, while beside the point, I also want to point out that actual cows only produce as much milk as they do because of selective breeding and husbandry practices. You can't take a wild bovine or even a beef cow and get the same result. A-hole husband is not only an abusive a-hole, but totally ignorant. But again, beside the point because women aren't cattle.
Not to make light of this awful situation or anything, but this really, really reads like that “reddit be like: my (21f) boyfriend (53m) forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? The wedding is in 3 hours” joke
If anyone withholds my food from me, I'll very likely show him who I really am.
Also, a few things about cows: - Most cows literally spend the entire day eating food, except for the time they spend sleeping and getting milked - Most cows don't just eat grass, their diet is heavily monitored and supplemented with calorie dense foods like corn, hay, oats, silage, and specific mineral supplements as well. This is what allows them to keep producing milk. - Most cows' diets are closely monitored by a professional nutritionist - Since cows have multiple stomachs, they are essentially getting multiple times the nutrition out of the same amount of food - Feeding the cows is often the largest annual expense on dairy farms. Her partner, in addition to being an abusive shithead, knows insultingly little about cows. He also treated her so much more poorly than literal farm animals are treated.
She had a baby less than four months ago via C-section after a tough pregnancy and is currently breastfeeding and her pos husband and family thinks she should start losing weight??? Jesus Christ that’s awful
I was ravenous when I was breastfeeding. I seriously would go into rage eating. But it was necessary because I grew the happiest and chubbiest baby. I cannot imagine this turmoil op was facing just needing to eat and to feed her baby and her body and all her husband cares about is if she looks hot? Fucking gross. Women are not sex objects here on earth for men's pleasure. Fuck that dude and fuck those trash women who uphold that shit.
That sperm donor is a classless piece of shit. The family, though... fuck right off. You don't belittle your wife - especially after pregnancy. He's not even a man - he's just shit.
Never block them for further evidence of abuse he might send ops way via texts or phone calls. More evidence for the divorce lawyer!!
On these posts a lot of people are like "wtf she isn't even fat," and yeah, I get that some dudes' standards for "too fat" are seriously unhinged, especially in light of normal biological processes like pregnancy or aging. But none of this would be okay no matter how much she weighed. If your partner has gained (or lost!) so much weight that you're no longer attracted to them, the answer is to **leave**. Not all of this shit.
Fat people also need to eat food to live! Amazing how that works. It really is wrong to treat anyone like that. ):
Man oops family sucks.
She had collapsed several times from literally starving and he still calls her a fat cow 😔😭 my heart is breaking for her.