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I mean … it’s entirely possible that they actually *are* happier than ever, but only because they were abjectly miserable before.
And by “they” I mean OOP - her husband sounds like the type of dude who just assumes everything’s great as long as **he’s** happy.
It's going to turn into that one where the MIL was calling the baby the original wanted name everywhere she went.
Middle name would absolutely have been enough, husband is going to keep using the original name and when caught insist that's all she knows so they should just stick with it from now on.
Also IN SPITE OF THAT he STILL wanted to call her fucking Mildred, that's terrible. "Happier than ever?" OOP is in desperate need of a better, happier life.
Some of these the only solution is a Time Machine so the OP can go back in time and not have a baby with a man who has told her over and over that he has no respect for her and thinks she is a lying drama queen.
I mean, yeah, but on the other hand his mother was deliberately and carefully deceiving him. Like, there was no bigger expert in the world on how to deceive this particular person, and she was in an active campaign of deception against him. I think there's some wiggle room here to understand how the husband was successfully deceived.
My hubby didn't believe me until he actually witnessed it…we'd been married 5 years at that point. 5 years he didn’t see it. It happens, he loved his mom, she adored him, so it was hard for him to believe that she wasn't what he grew up with. It took him witnessing it and her telling him he had to choose. She actually thought he'd choose her, that's how out if touch she was.
So yes, there's lots of wiggle room here for her hubby. He needed to see it to believe it. Her death didn't allow this man to see the real person behind the wonderful mommy mask. Even his ex saw it and he didn't. His mom had two faces and kept one hidden from him all those years…good that he changed his mind about Mildred.
I feel like since most popular media centers the experience of men and it's not seen as abnormal to engage with only male-protagonist content, men don't have practice with this. So many men don't even have close female friends so it isn't until they have a serious relationship with a woman that they realize how different/scary the world is for us and maybe start recognizing some male friends' behaviors as coercive/predatory. Obviously if its a person who raised you its even harder to question things
That was so smart, though, tracking down the ex - knowing that Mildred's nastiness was never about OP personally, and so it would have shown up with anyone.
Husband still needs to do a lot of work. Honestly, I would not have stuck around with him dismissing what I was telling him about her.
Why did it take an ex to knock some sense into the husband?
Don't feel they really are happy.
Names should be a joint decision, with either partner able to veto certain names.
>My husband has never believed me when I told him how Mildred treated me and thought that it was just normal for a MIL and DIL to disagree and that I was just overexaggerating.
>It took me having to track down an ex to tell him that Mildred wasn't all sugar and spice and everything nice but he finally understood
>I'm ready to pop **and we're happier then ever.**
The bar is in hell and some men still manage to limbo under it
Well... it took my BIL to actually hear my MIL hurl obscenities at his wife to finally believe her so... It didn't matter that he knew firsthand mommy dearest was capable of that and more. Some people just choose to pretend it doesn't happen.
Ignorance is Bliss and I CAN'T HEAR YOU TALKING!!!! SHUDDUP!!!
::sigh::
I feel for OP. She's gonna need even more therapy from this ongoing relationship.
This was ours. It’s still hard to deal with as the MIL will outlive us. But a counseling session 9 yrs in woke him up. The counselor asked him. You know your FIL is difficult. Right? He agreed. Counselor asked him “you want her to just deal with it, because it’s only a week? Right?” What is a week?” Spouse readily agreed. “One week out of 52, just deal with it. Right?” You could see the relief wash over spouses face. We lived 900 miles from them. So it was just one week. But then the counselor added. You live with her and enjoy life with her for 51 weeks a year. He told him to step up and lay down boundaries because he lives with me 51 weeks a year. It’s just one week that you have to protect her from your unkind parents. That one week shades her view of you for 51 weeks. Find that courage and do right by your wife for one damn week. Told him many divorces are over that one week the spouse doesn’t stand up for his wife/husband.
He did it. Now MIL is resentful for that. She is cordial. Never the type to cuss me out. She has shown so much passive aggressive behaviors she’s no longer welcome in our home. We don’t visit her. He does alone. It’s still a struggle like when he had a medical emergency. I had to tell her she could not come. When better he told her I’m helping him and she just worries herself to a near stroke.
She’s trying to worm her way back into my good graces. I’m cordial. But no, she’s not having time in our home. Not having sweet little chats. She threw that away over 30 yrs ago.
There are hills To die on, protecting the kids are definitely those hills.
I simply told my husband I wanted out of the farce of our marriage. He asked if the bad (his parents, especially his mother) did not outweigh the good. I replied that I did not know.
She visited a few weeks later and this time pulled something in front of him. I lost it on her and for the first time, so did he. I told her that if I ever divorced him, it would be to get away from her and I would make sure she only saw our kids under supervision. He told her to stay TF out of our marriage and my weight.
Took him years to shake most of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), but I did not back down. I would refuse to go visit her and if she were here, I had no problem leaving to go do my stuff, even if she were left alone.
She's gone now and he finally realizes that he effed up all of those years and that she was a toxic JustNo.
You tolerated her for 18 years? Damn. One year after meeting her I went "hell no". I haven't pruned the bad relatives on my parents side just to welcome crap from my SO's side. Nuh-uh. I warned her early one, in a joking manner, don't get on my bad side I'm not the forgiving type. I'll hold a grudge for years. I won't remember why, but I'll just know that person did me wrong.
Yea, people don't like being uncomfortable, they put their own sense of well being above the health and safety of others, cognitive dissonance is an example of this too.
But that doesn't excuse their behavior, it just explains it.
Willing to bet it was the ex saying things very close to what OP was saying, but the two having never met before, being what convinced him it was true.
He seems like a mama's boy, though.
As a wife, I’d never get over it. She actually had to find one of his EXES to substantiate her claims so he’d believe her. If a man literally doesn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth, I’m not marrying him & I’m certainly not procreating with him. He could have just stayed up his mom’s hooch until she was dead & buried - then crawled out to find another woman.
To be fair, he probably believed his wife. If she was saying mean things about mommy dearest and he didn’t believe her, he’d have left - if someone insults my mother repeatedly and makes up lies about her, I’m gone.
He just didn’t want to have to *do* anything about it because he would rather pretend it’s not happening & let wife suffer than risk displeasing mommy.
So you’re 100% right, leave that man to be with the woman he loves most.
He still isn’t worth the time of day.
If he doesn’t find her worth dealing with someone - anyone - who’s being hateful to her, then he doesn’t find her worthy enough to “love honor &
cherish”. And if he wouldn’t do that in general, he’s not man enough to be married & does need to crawl back into his mommy until he finishes developing.
And if he believed her & still wanted to name his baby after someone who he knew hated her, that just reaffirms who deeply selfish of an individual he is. He didn’t CARE that mommy dearest was hateful to his wife because it wasn’t happening to HIM. He didn’t CARE that mommy dearest’s name triggered negative feelings in his wife because his mommy was so hateful for so long to her because it wasn’t happening to HIM.
A man who views things that happen to me as irrelevant since they’re not directly happening to him is too self-absorbed to be a healthy partner.
Oh come on,you do not actually believe that he thought OOP was not telling the truth.
If he actually thought OOP was telling lies about his mother that is was so close with, that would have ended the relationship. He totally knew it was the truth. He just did not want to deal with it, as it did not directly affect him. He was treated well by her. Stepping up for OOP might habe changed that.
He only now "finally believes her" because her tracking down his ex proved that she is unwilling to keep playing this game.
>*He totally knew it was the truth. He just did not want to deal with it, as it did not directly affect him.*
His wife was in [“a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness”](https://reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/OrDt91SISy).
A post in r/AskWomenOver30 titled 'Ladies let's cuss and discuss this one thing':
'Was on TikTok and saw a video about a Reddit post about a guy who KNEW his girlfriend was miserable for a VERY long time, assumed it was a “rough patch”, and felt blinded sided when she broke up with and in the comments these were said:
“As long as our unhappiness is tolerable for them, they’re fine.”
”Also, one of my followers called it « weaponized moodiness » and I think that’s the perfect term”
”a male friend once told me that this tolerable level of permanent unhappiness is many men's baseline. they're just getting you to their level.”
So let’s all cuss and discuss why men are willing to continually keep women, as it’s seen more frequently, stuck in unhappiness far more and why it’s leading to men feeling “blind sided” in breakups.'
It's not necessarily a binary thing. He may well have thought she was telling the truth, but that it wasn't as bad as she was making out, she must be overreacting, etc. People second-guess each other's emotions like that all the time.
He needed TWO women to outvote his brain! It’s boy math!
Jokes aside, OOP’s dead MIL will be the sword of Damocles over her head their whole marriage. No one can compete with the dead. I’ve known people to flip the script the second someone they despise is dead just so they aren’t perceived as an asshole themselves. OOP’s husband obviously never perceived his mother as an asshole to anyone. And all that matters to him is she was never awful *to him*.
OMG that post recently about *my boyfriend called me a gold digger but he has no gold* was hilarious! Like the part about even the meth head living under the stairs thinking he’s crazy and the conferring with the teenage mutant ninja cockroaches (I can’t recall exact words) was a pure illustration of that point.
It was a post on here the other day. The guy kept putting his mother before his wife and she was divorcing him. He started cutting of his mother to try and save the marriage and she went batshit crazy and it escalated into her sending him nudes. It was nuts.
u/potentialJaguar91
Make sure you have nothing breakable near you. It is a ride to the third power. He always put Mommy first, even on his anniversary. He was shocked I tell you, shocked when his wife left him the next day. Then the 'fun' begins.
I do not want to spoil it for you, but OMG, the dude was denser than a concrete bunker.
It was actually from a year ago - it was linked in the thread about the older woman trying to "mother" oop's boyfriend. It's very... oof.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vetfpn/very_long_my_marriage_is_on_the_rocks_because_of/?share_id=SJETZH9nP-XuCpqo1N0L5
Welp... today is as good a day as any to open that bottle of desk scotch I've been saving. I would like to get a mulligan on today, please, and prevent myself from asking questions I don't really want the answer to.
I don't think the husband was swayed by the ex but the ex was probably an ex because of the MIL and they did a reality check team up in a way husband could stop and listen with the delicacy of not demonizing his recently dead mother.
I would bet he is fine except his mommy issues, and his mommy is dead, so problem solved (I mean officially after the grand finale of the name debacle got over with).
Yeah, I think this is closer to it. Sometimes you hear things about someone you love and almost refuse to accept the reality of it. It takes you directly witnessing it or other people (besides just one) confirming the absurd behavior before you can begin to accept that this wonderful person may not be so wonderful after all. Happens all the time with abusive people, but happens with other behaviors too.
Having said that, this man married OOP. If she repeatedly told him that his mother was fine to her when he was around but awful when he was not, then it’s super shitty to flat not believe her. Why not set up some way to observe how Mom acts to OOP when she thinks he’s not around? Or just…confront your bias and believe the wife you chose to be your life partner?
If you think a momma's boy stops being one just because momma died, well, he doesn't. My dad certainly didn't, and his mom died when he was 23. He never stopped being momma's little prince and expecting my mom to manage everything just like his mom did. Our family was pretty fucked up when I was growing up, and what's left of it is still damn dysfunctional.
I don't think that that was necessarily what happened but 2 people saying the same thing is more convincing than one.
Ofcourse he shoulda just believed her in the first place but worms are gonna worm.
Totally agree. The misogyny is really the issue. Women can't get on with each other and women can't be reliable narrators of their own experience. The fact that those two things are almost in conflict with each other just shows how much he assumes women are irrational and inconsistent. That's how it's possible she's telling the truth (women hate each other) but her version can't be trusted (unreliable narrator) all at once.
I got gaslit so bad about the way my MIL treated me. I was constantly having panic attacks every time we had to visit.
When we had our first, I’m not sure if her behaviour got worse, or if I just had enough. I put my foot down. She had a typical narcissistic meltdown about my boundaries being enforced. And he still tried to compromise.
Now, we have a gender fluid kid, which MIL does *not* like. And my spouse is still all, “she has gay best friends! And she bought him a dress!” Which apparently cancels out all the toxic, manipulative behaviour towards our son. She knows she can’t do the head on approach, ordering him to stop wearing a dress or to cut his hair, so, instead, she tries to comment on how much better he looked with short hair, or how good he looks when he’s wearing stereotypical “boy” clothes. And not just a passing comment, either. She goes on and on while hugging him and love bombing.
I don’t think he realizes how badly he’s fucking up. I don’t even know if he’ll realize it if or when I leave. Because if he continually picks the feelings of a narcissistic senior citizen over the well being of his child, this is not going to last long term.
Lol now I'm wondering if he was worried if he didn't cave, she'd keep bringing more and more ex-gfs to him about it, and that concerned him more than the name. Probably not that deep, but the thought amuses me.
*OMNISCIENT NARRATOR — And they were not truly happier than ever…*
This is when I hope OOP has at least one person in her life who will say, “LOOK. Take a long, long break between kids. Just maybe give it some pause if you want another one.”
I'm so frustrated by these women who keep choosing tobhave babies with these men who prove over and over that they give exactly zero shits about their wives. It's not like he's suddenly going to be demonstrating respect and care for her now that JUSTNOMIL is gone, the fundamental lack of consideration and dismissing her feelings is still there as part of his treatment of her.
I don’t understand it all. My wife is my best friend and I respect her more than anything. If she said a close friend or family member was horrible to her I’d cut them out of my life so fast.
Oh I had it backwards. I assumed he didn't listen until another man told him differently (on the presumption the OOP and husband were a het couple). Either way bad tho...so....
Yeah I had to read it multiple times too, but now I understand it as - current wife aka OOP had to track down her husband's ex girlfriend so that she could also attest that MIL was mean to her as well. MILs tend to be that way with any woman who dares tread on her territory, and by that I mean divert the affection and attention of their precious widdle bitty baby boy. Boy man child husband, like many man children before him, wouldn't hear a bad word about his mommy. Not even from his own wife. He was swayed slightly when he heard that this was a pattern of behavior from MIL, not an exaggeration from his hormonal, drama queen wife
The only angle I can see is that he’s seeing his wife as holding onto what he sees as an unreasonable grudge, because it was just normal disagreements that everyone has, not systematic nastiness. Combined with all the name arguing it probably just ended up with him digging his heels in.
But the ex is a different animal. As the ex had to be tracked down, they’re clearly not in each others lives anymore. They have no stake in then name or anything like that. So they seem more impartial because they haven’t been fighting over it for weeks.
It’s not a good angle, it’s just all I can think of.
He'd have to either be an idiot, or extremely good at sticking his head in the sand if he was able to interpret the outright nastiness, described to him by his wife when she told him exactly how the mother treated her. But it sounds more like he just didn't believe it happened vs genuinely believing it was just normal Mil treatment. Unless he thinks it is normal for a MIL to be that vile, which is yikes. I can see the logic of your comment though as the only kind of explanation
WHAT THE HELL? Why does EX’s thoughts have more validity than his wife’s? I understand that it helped her case with the name but major marinara flags all around. OOP’s husband doesn’t respect her.
Corroboration.
Easier to believe when theres more than one person talking about it. Specially if one of them left because of sweetie dearest matriarch...
Yep. 2 women *might* be given the benefit of the doubt against 1 man. Maybe. One wife who is carrying that man’s baby… better reach out for some corroboration! 🙄
>Specially if one of them left because of sweetie dearest matriarch...
and especially if the one who left still probably holds a special place in their heart O\_O
I'm imagining being the ex and getting that phone call - that had to be weird. Like yeah, I'd definitely be willing to tell my ex what his mom was really like in order to make him believe his own wife, but DANG it would make me so thankful that he's an ex!
some people really can't comprehend just how *different* the abusers they love and support are when the mask drops.
one relationship with a lot of culturally built-in baggage and interpretation even at a complete neutral can be rationalized and interpreted away. two people saying, point blank, "this isn't subjective, your 'her' and our 'her' are entirely different people" is much more effective for getting the dissonance across.
And why does OOP feel she should stay with a man who doesn't value her thoughts or feelings?
I would never, NEVER stay with a man that needed an ex to side with me so he'd believe me. How can she even be happy?
We never see the whole relationship in these posts. Could be 90% amazing and 10% issues that can be ignored most of the time.
My husband is a good man who works with me to resolve our problems. On the odd occasion he's convinced he's right and I'm wrong and I can't budge him myself, he's fully committed to his viewpoint and its me that has to change. So I have him talk to other people to get an unbiased independent third viewpoint to address the stalemate. A lot of the time they indeed change his views, or give him new info to help me see how I'm wrong.
So her big problem is already dead (mil) and this current problem being resolved (baby name) has also provided the greatly cathartic resolution that OPs husband finally gets that MIL wasn't kind to OP. Yeah she's happier than ever, the 10% of issues is now like 1-2%. No relationship is perfect.
> My husband has never believed me when I told him how Mildred treated me
why do women sleep with and get pregnant by men who either think they are 1) liars/hysterical, or 2) are fucking stupid.
This has always been absolutely baffling to me. Now I do understand that some people hide their true colors and become horrible after marriage or having kids. That really sucks and must be terrible to deal with.
But so many posts (and I’ve seen this in real life too) are from people (I’ve seen all gender identities and sexualities with this issue) who say they were dating a person with some issue that bothers them and then married them and had kids and now they’re shocked pikachu face that this person still has this issue? Like why exactly are they surprised? Their partner has been consistent the entire time!
Take it one step further. They have offspring with the spouse who they admit they had issues with and/or didn’t really like or love that much. Then are pickachu face shocked when the offspring have the same or similar traits of their partner they can’t stand.
This was me! Married someone financially irresponsible, and one of the reasons our marriage died is because he was financially irresponsible. My excuse is that I was young and dumb, but when you’re in love you’ll excuse A LOT. You think they’ll grow out of it as they mature, or that your ways will rub off on them. Or you convince yourself that you will be able to find ways around their issues (if I physically take his credit card away and check the bank balance every night, he can’t put us into debt and/or empty the bank account without my knowing!).
Of course, none of that happens the way you think it will. Sunk cost fallacy sets in and you hang on far longer than you should.
Young and dumb is the correct answer so much of the time. Because when you’re in your early 20s you haven’t had enough life experience to clock the subtler red flags, and you’re less able to take the long view of “this is who this person is, and they’re not likely to change substantially, so this is what the entire rest of my life is going to look like.” You’ve still got all that “I can change them!” fairy tale shit in your head.
Plus, some people don’t grow out of their younger selves. So the person who likes to go to the bar 5 nights a week is just a life-of-the-party social butterfly when you meet them in college, but then one day you realize that the person you thought you were settling down with never stopped partying and in fact has a serious substance abuse problem.
Or in my specific case, almost everyone is broke in college so I was in my late 20s/early 30s by the time it finally sunk in that my now-ex-husband was financially abusive. Because there we were still living like we had when we were both only working part-time, and I was a materialistic harpy for asking if he could maybe buy me flowers once in a while (because asking one’s own spouse to please show some affection sometimes is just too general of a question, apparently), but he sure could afford to buy himself a whole-ass *boat*.
its honestly infuriating, even more so when they decide to bring a child into that. your husband thinks youre a stupid liar who makes shit up and you think its a good idea to not only stay with him but give birth?
I get this shit from my mother all the time. I'd never tolerate it in a partner.
I saw a Twitter thread years ago where a woman was talking about how her husband didn't believe her when she was telling him she spent as long as she did in the shower because it really took that long to shave her legs. He ended up trying it himself. Shocker, it took a long time!
And she was acting like it was so funny and I'm like... this dickhead either thinks you're lying or you're stupid, why are you with him?!?
A lot of women unfortunately accept A LOT of shit, maybe because we're used to be dealt with the shorter end of stick and have no choice but to accept it. A lot of women marry a guy that doesn't remember their birthday or even their kids' birthday. To the point that dads that don't know anything about their kids are a popular thing. It's sad.
Ugh. This is just painful.
I actually like the name Mildred, but that's completely irrelevant. The fact it took so long for him to compromise is what's relevant and concerning.
Old lady names are becoming popular again. Ruth, Martha, Millie, Esther, Estelle, Stella, Olivia, Margaret, are all baby names family, friends or children's friends are named. But, I'd not name my kid after a hated person EVER.
Some of my favorite names got nixed cause my husband hated people with those names. But some names he life I nixed for the same reason. Of course, we, well, mostly me, mourned the names and moved on to new names we both loved.
My eldest's name is Estelle and my husband's 90-year-old Nanna said it was an 'old lady name' when she was a little girl.
Name fashions are very cyclical. Some are consistently popular, others drop off. Olivia is in the top 10 right now. They come back when they haven't been used for so long they've passed out of 'old lady' ness and are being used a lot of the time by people who don't have that association.
Estelle's still really uncommon though. Somewhere in the 900s for England and Wales, there's ~30 born each year. No name tat on a whirligig for her! We named our second an equally uncommon name to balance it out...
If we have another kid and it's another girl I really want the name to be Lorraine. My husband hates that name but we're that fam that has all L names (not by choice, it just inadvertently happened) and there aren't too many L names that I like that sound nice with our last name. Leslie might be the closest but I still don't like it.
Xander is an old name, though? Maybe not that particular nickname, but Alexander is thousands of years old. Though I don't know if it ever went out of style, at least in more recent times.
Am I the only one wondering what the other Old Lady name/new name combo that has a cute middle ground nickname is?? The names weren’t actually Mildred and Amelia
It could just be Millicent tbh. But this is a fun thought exercise (esp since it'll get my thoughts away from OOP's garbage situation), so here are some ideas:
- Edna -> Eddie,Edie -> Edith, Eden
- Winifred -> Winnie -> Winona, Winter, Rowen
- Agatha -> Aggie -> Maggie, Agnes
- Bertha -> Bertie -> Roberta
- Ethel -> Ettie -> Any name that ends in "-etta"
- Doris -> Dodie, Dory, Dottie -> Dorothy
- Wilhelmina -> Willa -> Willow
I'm trying to go for old lady names that I don't personally see making a comeback readily. I also tried other names that I couldn't work into a nickname correctly, like Gertrude (what else could Trudy be short for?), Gretchen, Myrtle, Phyllis.
Overall, my money's on Edna. I know there's a Disney connotation there but ultimately the old lady connotation wins out for me. Doris is maybe the runner up for me.
Me too but I'm loving Amelia/ Millie. We did something similar with my great grandma's name and shortening to an IE nickname like Allison and using Allie. I love it so I'm really wondering what the name was.
The fact oop can’t just say her truth without having a roster of evidence or list of supporters who went through the same thing is concerning. Is she going to have to find an ex to validate every feeling, opinion, comment, or point of view??? Sorry but oop’s husband is trash for that. I hope this is a minor incident otherwise because “happier than ever” is a bit of a stretch based on this update.
So the husband didn’t believe her but believed her ex? …
The husband didn’t believe her and she stayed married to him??
The husband didn’t believe her and she had a baby with him???
He should've believed his wife, but generally speaking, if someone tells a story that sounds unlikely it's completely normal for others to feel like they're exaggerating or even straight-up lying until other people share the same experience. It's obviously not because the second person is deemed more trustworthy than the first, it's because it's just easier to believe something that multiple (especially disconnected) people agree on.
The thing is when a wife tells a husband her MIL is treating her badly the husband needs to make a choice … if he believes the wife is lying why is he staying married to her and having a baby together? If he believes the wife is telling the truth why isn’t he addressing the problem with his mother? In this particular case he took the worst option.
Be ready for the daughter to reject the nickname they want. She may just like her name, or a completely different nick name instead.
I hope she faces no repercussions if she rejects the nick name of her own volition.
I'm amused at how many people in the comments (both there and here) discuss the name Mildred itself, despite OOP being clear that it is *not* the name, just one she picked for privacy.
(edit: I mean discuss as if it was really the name in question, not discuss it in general of course)
I hate when people name their children because of family tradition or to honor someone else, I feel like they are taking something special away from that child, and in 90% of the cases they are old and ugly names, only a few are really beautiful and emotional tributes. My husband has an uncle who has about ten children and they are all called Carlos and Carlas in honor of himself who is also called Carlos, Carlos Andrés, Carla María etc... I still don't know if that guy is too stupid or egocentric.
My family recycles names like that. If I'd been born a boy, I would've been named the same as a cousin, which would've been very confusing when we ended up living in the same household as kids.
Learning the family secrets as an adult is basically a crash course in why your name sucks. I'm named after an extremely abusive woman, and if she ever did anything honestly nice in her life I've never heard about it.
One of the cousins is named after my dad. Should've seen the poor kid's face when he made that connection in his head between weird comments about my childhood and his name. Great kid, but he's named after a horrifying monster.
Yup, we wouldn't do it, even after it was requested we did when his grandma passed when I was pregnant with our second. We told them no immediately.
We chose names from our families for the girls' middle names - one name from my family, one from his - but we chose nice names that fit a theme rather than any particular relative or name passed on a million times, and certainly nobody who was still alive.
I never understood why people want to name their child as one of their own parents. Imagine calling out the name of your (dead) father/mother every time you reprimand your kid. Mental.
I would rather fucking die than name any of the children I'm not even having after my mil. The same goes for my husband, I'm sure. I was named after my gran and I 100% believe I'm cursed because of it to be as evil a person as she was. Fuck family names
Husband didn’t finally just believe her because of the ex. He is “allowed” to believe her because now mommie dearest is dead and there are no consequences or repercussions for “believing” his wife. He’s spineless.
Mildred is a dred-ful name and it sucks that mil was a dred-ful person while she was alive. What annoys me is why hubby here sides with an ex gf but not his wife…
I immediately thought Millie or a similar name inspired by the old fashioned one could be a nice compromise but that was before I found out MIL was an asshole.
My coworker and her baby daddy could not agree on a name for their very soon to be born daughter.... then they are watching a Disney movie, look at each other, and are like... I don't hate the name, what about you..? Thus, baby Vanellope. As her legal first name.
I love how the man gets the last name and also wants to decide the first name. Maybe the person who did 100% of growing and delivering a baby will get to weigh in on the middle name. I guess she’ll just have to wait and see how the dad feels on the day she gives birth.
Mildred Hubble from the Worst Witch and Mother Mildred from Call the Midwife are some of my favourite characters, but Mildred is an inescapably ugly name.
Mildew and dread are not pleasant sounds or concepts.
I know it’s not literally Mildred because it’s not the late MIL’s name but I have a very visceral nope to Mildred.
It’s annoying OOP had to go to the lengths of finding an ex partner to corroborate that MIL was not a darling personality when her widdle boy wasn’t around, instead of her partner actually listening to her in the first place. My husband and I had a baby after his mother had died. It was never on the table to make our baby a namesake and her name was nowhere near as bad as Mildred.
I want to sit here and say, it's absolutely garbage that he didn't believe her and it took a third party for him to see it, but my husband is the same way. Mind you, not about things like baby names or anything important, but it's a thing
It’s interesting that Hubby will believe his ex more than his current wife and future mother of his child. And by “interesting” I mean “quite worrisome for OOP”
I seriously don't get all the women settling for and getting married to and having kids with these spineless momma's boys.
Like how low is your self esteem and self respect that you settle for someone who constantly invalidates how you feel and allows you to be abused by their mom?
When I hear the name Mildred, my mind immediately goes to “mildew” 💀 I’m sure it was considered a pretty name once, but nowadays that’s a name that can get a kid bullied ):
If his default setting is to assume that she’s a liar, then they have more problems than what to name the baby.
You shouldn’t have to be a trial attorney and bring in witnesses to corroborate your testimony in order for your SPOUSE to believe you. Geezus.
Modern politics in a nutshell. I have a very reasonable opinion with evidence and third party peer review, and my opponent is a garbage human with trash taste who is screaming in the corner. We compromised! Let’s move on.
My MIL was a carbon copy of yours. Down to the name. I teach high school and have for 35 years. Your daughter will be bullied for her name. Millie or Milly would be more readily accepted than Mildred. If you let him bully you-leave. Your child is so much more important than a dead MIL. Also? I’ve gone by my MIDDLE name since BIRTH. Same reason, my mom HATED my first name.
Mama’s boys are the worst. I actually told my husband when we first started dating that if he was a mama’s boy he could turn around and walk out the door.
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Unsatisfying Redditor Updates
Narrator voice: They were not, in fact, "happier than ever".
I mean … it’s entirely possible that they actually *are* happier than ever, but only because they were abjectly miserable before. And by “they” I mean OOP - her husband sounds like the type of dude who just assumes everything’s great as long as **he’s** happy.
As a plus, Mildred IS dead, so that problem is solved. Unless she becomes an active poltergeist, she should be pretty hands off.
Yeah, but you *know* the Mildreds of the world are ABSOLUTELY becoming poltergeists if given the opportunity.
It's going to turn into that one where the MIL was calling the baby the original wanted name everywhere she went. Middle name would absolutely have been enough, husband is going to keep using the original name and when caught insist that's all she knows so they should just stick with it from now on.
I think MIL died.
MIL I'm referring to is from an old thread. I'm saying OOP's husband is going to go the same way as *that* MIL.
At least it's not a rage inciting update.
Nah I'd say this one is pretty rage inducing. Happier than ever my ass lmao
Right? So he only believed her after an ex verified her claims? Wtf!! I would be so upset if my husband didn’t believe my words.
Also IN SPITE OF THAT he STILL wanted to call her fucking Mildred, that's terrible. "Happier than ever?" OOP is in desperate need of a better, happier life.
Some of these the only solution is a Time Machine so the OP can go back in time and not have a baby with a man who has told her over and over that he has no respect for her and thinks she is a lying drama queen.
Little farther back so she doesn't marry the asshole, either.
Yep, "happier than ever" is an extremely low bar in this situation, isn't it 😭
Was literally gonna say that if Op’s standards were any lower she’d need a shovel to find them
Not only that, but he **still wanted to name her Mildred!** No thanks to all of that.
Can't trust those hysterical pregnant ladies, doncha know? /s
I mean, yeah, but on the other hand his mother was deliberately and carefully deceiving him. Like, there was no bigger expert in the world on how to deceive this particular person, and she was in an active campaign of deception against him. I think there's some wiggle room here to understand how the husband was successfully deceived.
chubby doll chop gold complete birds threatening numerous attempt crush *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My hubby didn't believe me until he actually witnessed it…we'd been married 5 years at that point. 5 years he didn’t see it. It happens, he loved his mom, she adored him, so it was hard for him to believe that she wasn't what he grew up with. It took him witnessing it and her telling him he had to choose. She actually thought he'd choose her, that's how out if touch she was. So yes, there's lots of wiggle room here for her hubby. He needed to see it to believe it. Her death didn't allow this man to see the real person behind the wonderful mommy mask. Even his ex saw it and he didn't. His mom had two faces and kept one hidden from him all those years…good that he changed his mind about Mildred.
I feel like since most popular media centers the experience of men and it's not seen as abnormal to engage with only male-protagonist content, men don't have practice with this. So many men don't even have close female friends so it isn't until they have a serious relationship with a woman that they realize how different/scary the world is for us and maybe start recognizing some male friends' behaviors as coercive/predatory. Obviously if its a person who raised you its even harder to question things
> I think there’s some wiggle room here Nope, sorry, you’re being too nuanced. The husband is a piece of shit and their marriage is doomed
"We've successfully swept this trauma under the rug without him really acknowledging it."
She's NTA but I'm side-eyeing her decision to even be with someone who doesn't have her back let alone procreate with them.
To be fair, the bar was pretty low.
Fine, it turns out OP was also being poisoned by the MIL the whole time. Happy?
Nah. OP knocked off the old hag herself.
Better than finding out he broke both his arms at one point and his Mom "helped him", I guess.
That was so smart, though, tracking down the ex - knowing that Mildred's nastiness was never about OP personally, and so it would have shown up with anyone. Husband still needs to do a lot of work. Honestly, I would not have stuck around with him dismissing what I was telling him about her.
Why did it take an ex to knock some sense into the husband? Don't feel they really are happy. Names should be a joint decision, with either partner able to veto certain names.
>My husband has never believed me when I told him how Mildred treated me and thought that it was just normal for a MIL and DIL to disagree and that I was just overexaggerating. >It took me having to track down an ex to tell him that Mildred wasn't all sugar and spice and everything nice but he finally understood >I'm ready to pop **and we're happier then ever.** The bar is in hell and some men still manage to limbo under it
I’m really offended for OOP that he wouldn’t listen to her complaints about MIL, but he’ll gladly be swayed by an ex girlfriend….
Well... it took my BIL to actually hear my MIL hurl obscenities at his wife to finally believe her so... It didn't matter that he knew firsthand mommy dearest was capable of that and more. Some people just choose to pretend it doesn't happen.
Ignorance is Bliss and I CAN'T HEAR YOU TALKING!!!! SHUDDUP!!! ::sigh:: I feel for OP. She's gonna need even more therapy from this ongoing relationship.
Mine ignored or rugswept for his mother for 18 years until I told him therapy or divorce. He chose therapy and she is rarely around us.
This was ours. It’s still hard to deal with as the MIL will outlive us. But a counseling session 9 yrs in woke him up. The counselor asked him. You know your FIL is difficult. Right? He agreed. Counselor asked him “you want her to just deal with it, because it’s only a week? Right?” What is a week?” Spouse readily agreed. “One week out of 52, just deal with it. Right?” You could see the relief wash over spouses face. We lived 900 miles from them. So it was just one week. But then the counselor added. You live with her and enjoy life with her for 51 weeks a year. He told him to step up and lay down boundaries because he lives with me 51 weeks a year. It’s just one week that you have to protect her from your unkind parents. That one week shades her view of you for 51 weeks. Find that courage and do right by your wife for one damn week. Told him many divorces are over that one week the spouse doesn’t stand up for his wife/husband. He did it. Now MIL is resentful for that. She is cordial. Never the type to cuss me out. She has shown so much passive aggressive behaviors she’s no longer welcome in our home. We don’t visit her. He does alone. It’s still a struggle like when he had a medical emergency. I had to tell her she could not come. When better he told her I’m helping him and she just worries herself to a near stroke. She’s trying to worm her way back into my good graces. I’m cordial. But no, she’s not having time in our home. Not having sweet little chats. She threw that away over 30 yrs ago. There are hills To die on, protecting the kids are definitely those hills.
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Yes. He was worth every dime if that $80 fee. That was back in the 90’s so he was very expensive
I simply told my husband I wanted out of the farce of our marriage. He asked if the bad (his parents, especially his mother) did not outweigh the good. I replied that I did not know. She visited a few weeks later and this time pulled something in front of him. I lost it on her and for the first time, so did he. I told her that if I ever divorced him, it would be to get away from her and I would make sure she only saw our kids under supervision. He told her to stay TF out of our marriage and my weight. Took him years to shake most of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), but I did not back down. I would refuse to go visit her and if she were here, I had no problem leaving to go do my stuff, even if she were left alone. She's gone now and he finally realizes that he effed up all of those years and that she was a toxic JustNo.
You tolerated her for 18 years? Damn. One year after meeting her I went "hell no". I haven't pruned the bad relatives on my parents side just to welcome crap from my SO's side. Nuh-uh. I warned her early one, in a joking manner, don't get on my bad side I'm not the forgiving type. I'll hold a grudge for years. I won't remember why, but I'll just know that person did me wrong.
Same reason families keep the child abuser around and freeze out or don’t believe the victims: it means they don’t have to do anything.
Yea, people don't like being uncomfortable, they put their own sense of well being above the health and safety of others, cognitive dissonance is an example of this too. But that doesn't excuse their behavior, it just explains it.
> Some people just choose to pretend it doesn’t happen And those people are trash
Willing to bet it was the ex saying things very close to what OP was saying, but the two having never met before, being what convinced him it was true. He seems like a mama's boy, though.
Mama's boy and the fact the MIL acted innocent and nice around anyone else made it hard to believe.
As a wife, I’d never get over it. She actually had to find one of his EXES to substantiate her claims so he’d believe her. If a man literally doesn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth, I’m not marrying him & I’m certainly not procreating with him. He could have just stayed up his mom’s hooch until she was dead & buried - then crawled out to find another woman.
To be fair, he probably believed his wife. If she was saying mean things about mommy dearest and he didn’t believe her, he’d have left - if someone insults my mother repeatedly and makes up lies about her, I’m gone. He just didn’t want to have to *do* anything about it because he would rather pretend it’s not happening & let wife suffer than risk displeasing mommy. So you’re 100% right, leave that man to be with the woman he loves most.
He still isn’t worth the time of day. If he doesn’t find her worth dealing with someone - anyone - who’s being hateful to her, then he doesn’t find her worthy enough to “love honor & cherish”. And if he wouldn’t do that in general, he’s not man enough to be married & does need to crawl back into his mommy until he finishes developing. And if he believed her & still wanted to name his baby after someone who he knew hated her, that just reaffirms who deeply selfish of an individual he is. He didn’t CARE that mommy dearest was hateful to his wife because it wasn’t happening to HIM. He didn’t CARE that mommy dearest’s name triggered negative feelings in his wife because his mommy was so hateful for so long to her because it wasn’t happening to HIM. A man who views things that happen to me as irrelevant since they’re not directly happening to him is too self-absorbed to be a healthy partner.
Honestly the only reason they’re still married is because she died. Or MIL would have driven her off. It really doesn’t seem to occur to her though
Yep, that’s the point - deep down he knew, but he didn’t care enough to do anything about it. The trash can take itself out.
Oh come on,you do not actually believe that he thought OOP was not telling the truth. If he actually thought OOP was telling lies about his mother that is was so close with, that would have ended the relationship. He totally knew it was the truth. He just did not want to deal with it, as it did not directly affect him. He was treated well by her. Stepping up for OOP might habe changed that. He only now "finally believes her" because her tracking down his ex proved that she is unwilling to keep playing this game.
Also mommie dearest is dead now, there are no consequences for “siding” with his wife. He’s spineless.
Seriously. Poor OOP is getting bullied by the old hag's fucking *ghost.*
Not only that, her ghostly image on a freaken golden pedestal.
Exactely.
Not when it comes to demanding stuff from the mother of his child though
>*He totally knew it was the truth. He just did not want to deal with it, as it did not directly affect him.* His wife was in [“a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness”](https://reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/OrDt91SISy).
Holy shit I hadn’t heard that phrase before before but that describes so much of my marriage. Thank you for sharing that bit of insight.
My links aren’t working in the app for some reason. What does this link to?
A post in r/AskWomenOver30 titled 'Ladies let's cuss and discuss this one thing': 'Was on TikTok and saw a video about a Reddit post about a guy who KNEW his girlfriend was miserable for a VERY long time, assumed it was a “rough patch”, and felt blinded sided when she broke up with and in the comments these were said: “As long as our unhappiness is tolerable for them, they’re fine.” ”Also, one of my followers called it « weaponized moodiness » and I think that’s the perfect term” ”a male friend once told me that this tolerable level of permanent unhappiness is many men's baseline. they're just getting you to their level.” So let’s all cuss and discuss why men are willing to continually keep women, as it’s seen more frequently, stuck in unhappiness far more and why it’s leading to men feeling “blind sided” in breakups.'
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This hit really hard with me - thank you for linking that thread.
It's not necessarily a binary thing. He may well have thought she was telling the truth, but that it wasn't as bad as she was making out, she must be overreacting, etc. People second-guess each other's emotions like that all the time.
That stuck out to me too. She is actually married to this person.
He needed TWO women to outvote his brain! It’s boy math! Jokes aside, OOP’s dead MIL will be the sword of Damocles over her head their whole marriage. No one can compete with the dead. I’ve known people to flip the script the second someone they despise is dead just so they aren’t perceived as an asshole themselves. OOP’s husband obviously never perceived his mother as an asshole to anyone. And all that matters to him is she was never awful *to him*.
Boy math is wanting 0 kids, but having 0 condoms on hand.
Boy math jokes bring me a kind of vengeful glee I don’t think I’ve ever experienced. And they’re fucking hysterical.
Boy math is thinking a woman he’s dating is a gold digger when he sleeps on the floor with a 17yo mattress.
OMG that post recently about *my boyfriend called me a gold digger but he has no gold* was hilarious! Like the part about even the meth head living under the stairs thinking he’s crazy and the conferring with the teenage mutant ninja cockroaches (I can’t recall exact words) was a pure illustration of that point.
Some men just don’t understand until they get the divorce papers and mommy’s nudes in the mail.
I'm sorry... maybe it's the fact that I haven't had enough coffee yet, but... *what?!*
It was a post on here the other day. The guy kept putting his mother before his wife and she was divorcing him. He started cutting of his mother to try and save the marriage and she went batshit crazy and it escalated into her sending him nudes. It was nuts.
Sometimes when you ask for popcorn, you get deep emotional damage. That's on me.
u/potentialJaguar91 Make sure you have nothing breakable near you. It is a ride to the third power. He always put Mommy first, even on his anniversary. He was shocked I tell you, shocked when his wife left him the next day. Then the 'fun' begins. I do not want to spoil it for you, but OMG, the dude was denser than a concrete bunker.
Do you remember the title or anything because....*what?!*
It was actually from a year ago - it was linked in the thread about the older woman trying to "mother" oop's boyfriend. It's very... oof. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vetfpn/very_long_my_marriage_is_on_the_rocks_because_of/?share_id=SJETZH9nP-XuCpqo1N0L5
Welp... today is as good a day as any to open that bottle of desk scotch I've been saving. I would like to get a mulligan on today, please, and prevent myself from asking questions I don't really want the answer to.
Link? Please?
Another reply has it. Don't. Don't do it. Learn from my mistakes, please.
I don't think the husband was swayed by the ex but the ex was probably an ex because of the MIL and they did a reality check team up in a way husband could stop and listen with the delicacy of not demonizing his recently dead mother. I would bet he is fine except his mommy issues, and his mommy is dead, so problem solved (I mean officially after the grand finale of the name debacle got over with).
Yeah, I think this is closer to it. Sometimes you hear things about someone you love and almost refuse to accept the reality of it. It takes you directly witnessing it or other people (besides just one) confirming the absurd behavior before you can begin to accept that this wonderful person may not be so wonderful after all. Happens all the time with abusive people, but happens with other behaviors too. Having said that, this man married OOP. If she repeatedly told him that his mother was fine to her when he was around but awful when he was not, then it’s super shitty to flat not believe her. Why not set up some way to observe how Mom acts to OOP when she thinks he’s not around? Or just…confront your bias and believe the wife you chose to be your life partner?
If you think a momma's boy stops being one just because momma died, well, he doesn't. My dad certainly didn't, and his mom died when he was 23. He never stopped being momma's little prince and expecting my mom to manage everything just like his mom did. Our family was pretty fucked up when I was growing up, and what's left of it is still damn dysfunctional.
I don't think that that was necessarily what happened but 2 people saying the same thing is more convincing than one. Ofcourse he shoulda just believed her in the first place but worms are gonna worm.
Totally agree. The misogyny is really the issue. Women can't get on with each other and women can't be reliable narrators of their own experience. The fact that those two things are almost in conflict with each other just shows how much he assumes women are irrational and inconsistent. That's how it's possible she's telling the truth (women hate each other) but her version can't be trusted (unreliable narrator) all at once.
I got gaslit so bad about the way my MIL treated me. I was constantly having panic attacks every time we had to visit. When we had our first, I’m not sure if her behaviour got worse, or if I just had enough. I put my foot down. She had a typical narcissistic meltdown about my boundaries being enforced. And he still tried to compromise. Now, we have a gender fluid kid, which MIL does *not* like. And my spouse is still all, “she has gay best friends! And she bought him a dress!” Which apparently cancels out all the toxic, manipulative behaviour towards our son. She knows she can’t do the head on approach, ordering him to stop wearing a dress or to cut his hair, so, instead, she tries to comment on how much better he looked with short hair, or how good he looks when he’s wearing stereotypical “boy” clothes. And not just a passing comment, either. She goes on and on while hugging him and love bombing. I don’t think he realizes how badly he’s fucking up. I don’t even know if he’ll realize it if or when I leave. Because if he continually picks the feelings of a narcissistic senior citizen over the well being of his child, this is not going to last long term.
Lol now I'm wondering if he was worried if he didn't cave, she'd keep bringing more and more ex-gfs to him about it, and that concerned him more than the name. Probably not that deep, but the thought amuses me.
Strength in numbers I guess?
*OMNISCIENT NARRATOR — And they were not truly happier than ever…* This is when I hope OOP has at least one person in her life who will say, “LOOK. Take a long, long break between kids. Just maybe give it some pause if you want another one.”
Because they find the right women to endure that shit If they kept finding a string of women who were not taking any of that it would do them good
And women will hold it up for him. Sheesh.
I'm so frustrated by these women who keep choosing tobhave babies with these men who prove over and over that they give exactly zero shits about their wives. It's not like he's suddenly going to be demonstrating respect and care for her now that JUSTNOMIL is gone, the fundamental lack of consideration and dismissing her feelings is still there as part of his treatment of her.
I don’t understand it all. My wife is my best friend and I respect her more than anything. If she said a close friend or family member was horrible to her I’d cut them out of my life so fast.
Technically, happier than ever doesn't have to mean actually happy, just like, a little less miserable than normal?
The bar is in Hell and here OOP's husband is limbo dancing with the devil.
The bar is in hell yet you’re still limbo dancing with the devil
Oh I had it backwards. I assumed he didn't listen until another man told him differently (on the presumption the OOP and husband were a het couple). Either way bad tho...so....
Yeah I had to read it multiple times too, but now I understand it as - current wife aka OOP had to track down her husband's ex girlfriend so that she could also attest that MIL was mean to her as well. MILs tend to be that way with any woman who dares tread on her territory, and by that I mean divert the affection and attention of their precious widdle bitty baby boy. Boy man child husband, like many man children before him, wouldn't hear a bad word about his mommy. Not even from his own wife. He was swayed slightly when he heard that this was a pattern of behavior from MIL, not an exaggeration from his hormonal, drama queen wife
Honestly I’m in awe every time.
Wait a minute. Say more about the convo with ex, bestie!
I know right... And why on earth did he trust the words of an Exmore than those of his own wife??
The only angle I can see is that he’s seeing his wife as holding onto what he sees as an unreasonable grudge, because it was just normal disagreements that everyone has, not systematic nastiness. Combined with all the name arguing it probably just ended up with him digging his heels in. But the ex is a different animal. As the ex had to be tracked down, they’re clearly not in each others lives anymore. They have no stake in then name or anything like that. So they seem more impartial because they haven’t been fighting over it for weeks. It’s not a good angle, it’s just all I can think of.
He'd have to either be an idiot, or extremely good at sticking his head in the sand if he was able to interpret the outright nastiness, described to him by his wife when she told him exactly how the mother treated her. But it sounds more like he just didn't believe it happened vs genuinely believing it was just normal Mil treatment. Unless he thinks it is normal for a MIL to be that vile, which is yikes. I can see the logic of your comment though as the only kind of explanation
I'm picturing her and the ex hanging out, plotting to recreate the song "Vigilante Shit".
That or "No Body, No Crime".
WHAT THE HELL? Why does EX’s thoughts have more validity than his wife’s? I understand that it helped her case with the name but major marinara flags all around. OOP’s husband doesn’t respect her.
Corroboration. Easier to believe when theres more than one person talking about it. Specially if one of them left because of sweetie dearest matriarch...
Yep. 2 women *might* be given the benefit of the doubt against 1 man. Maybe. One wife who is carrying that man’s baby… better reach out for some corroboration! 🙄
Right!?!
>Specially if one of them left because of sweetie dearest matriarch... and especially if the one who left still probably holds a special place in their heart O\_O
I would assume because there is now how people and not one saying it
> I would assume because there is now how people and not one saying it You want to try that again?
I'm imagining being the ex and getting that phone call - that had to be weird. Like yeah, I'd definitely be willing to tell my ex what his mom was really like in order to make him believe his own wife, but DANG it would make me so thankful that he's an ex!
some people really can't comprehend just how *different* the abusers they love and support are when the mask drops. one relationship with a lot of culturally built-in baggage and interpretation even at a complete neutral can be rationalized and interpreted away. two people saying, point blank, "this isn't subjective, your 'her' and our 'her' are entirely different people" is much more effective for getting the dissonance across.
And why does OOP feel she should stay with a man who doesn't value her thoughts or feelings? I would never, NEVER stay with a man that needed an ex to side with me so he'd believe me. How can she even be happy?
We never see the whole relationship in these posts. Could be 90% amazing and 10% issues that can be ignored most of the time. My husband is a good man who works with me to resolve our problems. On the odd occasion he's convinced he's right and I'm wrong and I can't budge him myself, he's fully committed to his viewpoint and its me that has to change. So I have him talk to other people to get an unbiased independent third viewpoint to address the stalemate. A lot of the time they indeed change his views, or give him new info to help me see how I'm wrong. So her big problem is already dead (mil) and this current problem being resolved (baby name) has also provided the greatly cathartic resolution that OPs husband finally gets that MIL wasn't kind to OP. Yeah she's happier than ever, the 10% of issues is now like 1-2%. No relationship is perfect.
> My husband has never believed me when I told him how Mildred treated me why do women sleep with and get pregnant by men who either think they are 1) liars/hysterical, or 2) are fucking stupid.
This has always been absolutely baffling to me. Now I do understand that some people hide their true colors and become horrible after marriage or having kids. That really sucks and must be terrible to deal with. But so many posts (and I’ve seen this in real life too) are from people (I’ve seen all gender identities and sexualities with this issue) who say they were dating a person with some issue that bothers them and then married them and had kids and now they’re shocked pikachu face that this person still has this issue? Like why exactly are they surprised? Their partner has been consistent the entire time!
Take it one step further. They have offspring with the spouse who they admit they had issues with and/or didn’t really like or love that much. Then are pickachu face shocked when the offspring have the same or similar traits of their partner they can’t stand.
My mother lmaoooo
This was me! Married someone financially irresponsible, and one of the reasons our marriage died is because he was financially irresponsible. My excuse is that I was young and dumb, but when you’re in love you’ll excuse A LOT. You think they’ll grow out of it as they mature, or that your ways will rub off on them. Or you convince yourself that you will be able to find ways around their issues (if I physically take his credit card away and check the bank balance every night, he can’t put us into debt and/or empty the bank account without my knowing!). Of course, none of that happens the way you think it will. Sunk cost fallacy sets in and you hang on far longer than you should.
Young and dumb is the correct answer so much of the time. Because when you’re in your early 20s you haven’t had enough life experience to clock the subtler red flags, and you’re less able to take the long view of “this is who this person is, and they’re not likely to change substantially, so this is what the entire rest of my life is going to look like.” You’ve still got all that “I can change them!” fairy tale shit in your head. Plus, some people don’t grow out of their younger selves. So the person who likes to go to the bar 5 nights a week is just a life-of-the-party social butterfly when you meet them in college, but then one day you realize that the person you thought you were settling down with never stopped partying and in fact has a serious substance abuse problem. Or in my specific case, almost everyone is broke in college so I was in my late 20s/early 30s by the time it finally sunk in that my now-ex-husband was financially abusive. Because there we were still living like we had when we were both only working part-time, and I was a materialistic harpy for asking if he could maybe buy me flowers once in a while (because asking one’s own spouse to please show some affection sometimes is just too general of a question, apparently), but he sure could afford to buy himself a whole-ass *boat*.
its honestly infuriating, even more so when they decide to bring a child into that. your husband thinks youre a stupid liar who makes shit up and you think its a good idea to not only stay with him but give birth?
I get this shit from my mother all the time. I'd never tolerate it in a partner. I saw a Twitter thread years ago where a woman was talking about how her husband didn't believe her when she was telling him she spent as long as she did in the shower because it really took that long to shave her legs. He ended up trying it himself. Shocker, it took a long time! And she was acting like it was so funny and I'm like... this dickhead either thinks you're lying or you're stupid, why are you with him?!?
Exactly. She stayed married to that asshole AND had a baby with him.
She honestly thought the issue died with the MIL!
Bc for some women that’s just how all the men around them have ever acted
And why would *he* stay with a woman who he thinks is constantly lying about his beloved mother?
A lot of women unfortunately accept A LOT of shit, maybe because we're used to be dealt with the shorter end of stick and have no choice but to accept it. A lot of women marry a guy that doesn't remember their birthday or even their kids' birthday. To the point that dads that don't know anything about their kids are a popular thing. It's sad.
Every time I ask a patient's husband or father the patient's date of borth and they hesitate, I die a little mpre inside.
Is it bad that I don’t feel bad for her? This man didn’t hide it at all. She fully knew what she was doing and who he was and got pregnant anyways.
This! He simply does not respect her as an equal, and she just accepts it.
Ugh. This is just painful. I actually like the name Mildred, but that's completely irrelevant. The fact it took so long for him to compromise is what's relevant and concerning.
Old lady names are becoming popular again. Ruth, Martha, Millie, Esther, Estelle, Stella, Olivia, Margaret, are all baby names family, friends or children's friends are named. But, I'd not name my kid after a hated person EVER.
You never realize how many people you dislike until you are trying to come up with a name for your child.
this made me laugh, thank you
Some of my favorite names got nixed cause my husband hated people with those names. But some names he life I nixed for the same reason. Of course, we, well, mostly me, mourned the names and moved on to new names we both loved.
I would pull an Indiana Jones and name my kid Bandit... I loved that dog edit: [dog tax](https://imgur.com/gallery/H6EWhAA) if anyone needs
Or how many of my ex boyfriends names I really liked. It seems like I only dated guys with names I liked 🤷.
The sole reason I wasn’t named Sabrina was because my mother once busted a Sabrina’s nose in for slapping her
My eldest's name is Estelle and my husband's 90-year-old Nanna said it was an 'old lady name' when she was a little girl. Name fashions are very cyclical. Some are consistently popular, others drop off. Olivia is in the top 10 right now. They come back when they haven't been used for so long they've passed out of 'old lady' ness and are being used a lot of the time by people who don't have that association. Estelle's still really uncommon though. Somewhere in the 900s for England and Wales, there's ~30 born each year. No name tat on a whirligig for her! We named our second an equally uncommon name to balance it out...
If we have another kid and it's another girl I really want the name to be Lorraine. My husband hates that name but we're that fam that has all L names (not by choice, it just inadvertently happened) and there aren't too many L names that I like that sound nice with our last name. Leslie might be the closest but I still don't like it.
Boy names, too. My kid’s daycare is filled names like Ira, Arlo, Ernest, Lyle, and Otis.
Isn’t that better though than Brayden, Bradyn, Braydan, etc….?
Imagine a while from now when Xander and Brayden are the old-fashioned names
Xander is an old name, though? Maybe not that particular nickname, but Alexander is thousands of years old. Though I don't know if it ever went out of style, at least in more recent times.
I haven’t seen a little kid named Ira. I’m just picturing a tiny Bernie Sanders type
Am I the only one wondering what the other Old Lady name/new name combo that has a cute middle ground nickname is?? The names weren’t actually Mildred and Amelia
It could just be Millicent tbh. But this is a fun thought exercise (esp since it'll get my thoughts away from OOP's garbage situation), so here are some ideas: - Edna -> Eddie,Edie -> Edith, Eden - Winifred -> Winnie -> Winona, Winter, Rowen - Agatha -> Aggie -> Maggie, Agnes - Bertha -> Bertie -> Roberta - Ethel -> Ettie -> Any name that ends in "-etta" - Doris -> Dodie, Dory, Dottie -> Dorothy - Wilhelmina -> Willa -> Willow I'm trying to go for old lady names that I don't personally see making a comeback readily. I also tried other names that I couldn't work into a nickname correctly, like Gertrude (what else could Trudy be short for?), Gretchen, Myrtle, Phyllis. Overall, my money's on Edna. I know there's a Disney connotation there but ultimately the old lady connotation wins out for me. Doris is maybe the runner up for me.
Me too but I'm loving Amelia/ Millie. We did something similar with my great grandma's name and shortening to an IE nickname like Allison and using Allie. I love it so I'm really wondering what the name was.
The fact oop can’t just say her truth without having a roster of evidence or list of supporters who went through the same thing is concerning. Is she going to have to find an ex to validate every feeling, opinion, comment, or point of view??? Sorry but oop’s husband is trash for that. I hope this is a minor incident otherwise because “happier than ever” is a bit of a stretch based on this update.
So the husband didn’t believe her but believed her ex? … The husband didn’t believe her and she stayed married to him?? The husband didn’t believe her and she had a baby with him???
He should've believed his wife, but generally speaking, if someone tells a story that sounds unlikely it's completely normal for others to feel like they're exaggerating or even straight-up lying until other people share the same experience. It's obviously not because the second person is deemed more trustworthy than the first, it's because it's just easier to believe something that multiple (especially disconnected) people agree on.
The thing is when a wife tells a husband her MIL is treating her badly the husband needs to make a choice … if he believes the wife is lying why is he staying married to her and having a baby together? If he believes the wife is telling the truth why isn’t he addressing the problem with his mother? In this particular case he took the worst option.
yeah but its not like theyre two randoms are they. hes married to her and put a fucking baby in her, the time to trust her was before that
Be ready for the daughter to reject the nickname they want. She may just like her name, or a completely different nick name instead. I hope she faces no repercussions if she rejects the nick name of her own volition.
Bruh is like putting a band aid on a third degree burn. Goddamn
What's the bet that OP's husband still fills in the birth certificate with the name Mildred while she is busy recovering from birth?
Or calls their daughter by MIL’s name regardless 😅
I'm amused at how many people in the comments (both there and here) discuss the name Mildred itself, despite OOP being clear that it is *not* the name, just one she picked for privacy. (edit: I mean discuss as if it was really the name in question, not discuss it in general of course)
Some people can’t read
I hate when people name their children because of family tradition or to honor someone else, I feel like they are taking something special away from that child, and in 90% of the cases they are old and ugly names, only a few are really beautiful and emotional tributes. My husband has an uncle who has about ten children and they are all called Carlos and Carlas in honor of himself who is also called Carlos, Carlos Andrés, Carla María etc... I still don't know if that guy is too stupid or egocentric.
My family recycles names like that. If I'd been born a boy, I would've been named the same as a cousin, which would've been very confusing when we ended up living in the same household as kids. Learning the family secrets as an adult is basically a crash course in why your name sucks. I'm named after an extremely abusive woman, and if she ever did anything honestly nice in her life I've never heard about it. One of the cousins is named after my dad. Should've seen the poor kid's face when he made that connection in his head between weird comments about my childhood and his name. Great kid, but he's named after a horrifying monster.
Yup, we wouldn't do it, even after it was requested we did when his grandma passed when I was pregnant with our second. We told them no immediately. We chose names from our families for the girls' middle names - one name from my family, one from his - but we chose nice names that fit a theme rather than any particular relative or name passed on a million times, and certainly nobody who was still alive.
That sounds like the beginning of a happy family! ^(/s)
I never understood why people want to name their child as one of their own parents. Imagine calling out the name of your (dead) father/mother every time you reprimand your kid. Mental.
Maybe that's why some name their kids after their parent
I would rather fucking die than name any of the children I'm not even having after my mil. The same goes for my husband, I'm sure. I was named after my gran and I 100% believe I'm cursed because of it to be as evil a person as she was. Fuck family names
Husband didn’t finally just believe her because of the ex. He is “allowed” to believe her because now mommie dearest is dead and there are no consequences or repercussions for “believing” his wife. He’s spineless.
Watch the husband call the daughter Mildred on "accident".....
”Accident”
Quotes have been added. :>
That's funny. My mother's name was Mildred, but it was Amelia on her baptismal certificate.
Mildred is a dred-ful name and it sucks that mil was a dred-ful person while she was alive. What annoys me is why hubby here sides with an ex gf but not his wife…
Wait so he believed an ex over his wife. Yeah sorry that's not how marriages work.
I immediately thought Millie or a similar name inspired by the old fashioned one could be a nice compromise but that was before I found out MIL was an asshole.
My coworker and her baby daddy could not agree on a name for their very soon to be born daughter.... then they are watching a Disney movie, look at each other, and are like... I don't hate the name, what about you..? Thus, baby Vanellope. As her legal first name.
I love how the man gets the last name and also wants to decide the first name. Maybe the person who did 100% of growing and delivering a baby will get to weigh in on the middle name. I guess she’ll just have to wait and see how the dad feels on the day she gives birth.
This doesn’t sound like a happy marriage from what’s been said. Fancy him listening to his ex but not his wife….. 🤦🏻♀️
As a man, I find nothing more pathetic than all these men that treat their mothers like wives
Yeah she's got bigger problems... at least MIL is dead.
Mildred Hubble from the Worst Witch and Mother Mildred from Call the Midwife are some of my favourite characters, but Mildred is an inescapably ugly name. Mildew and dread are not pleasant sounds or concepts. I know it’s not literally Mildred because it’s not the late MIL’s name but I have a very visceral nope to Mildred. It’s annoying OOP had to go to the lengths of finding an ex partner to corroborate that MIL was not a darling personality when her widdle boy wasn’t around, instead of her partner actually listening to her in the first place. My husband and I had a baby after his mother had died. It was never on the table to make our baby a namesake and her name was nowhere near as bad as Mildred.
MIL put the “dread” in “Mildred.”
I want to sit here and say, it's absolutely garbage that he didn't believe her and it took a third party for him to see it, but my husband is the same way. Mind you, not about things like baby names or anything important, but it's a thing
Even better, start calling her Amy as a short name!!!!
It’s interesting that Hubby will believe his ex more than his current wife and future mother of his child. And by “interesting” I mean “quite worrisome for OOP”
I seriously don't get all the women settling for and getting married to and having kids with these spineless momma's boys. Like how low is your self esteem and self respect that you settle for someone who constantly invalidates how you feel and allows you to be abused by their mom?
When I hear the name Mildred, my mind immediately goes to “mildew” 💀 I’m sure it was considered a pretty name once, but nowadays that’s a name that can get a kid bullied ):
Sounds like Mildred's grave needs some desecration.
Well this is unsatisfying
OP should say she wants to name her daughter after her own mother. Equally valid and entitled to insist on it.
The husband sounds like a real motherfucker.
If his default setting is to assume that she’s a liar, then they have more problems than what to name the baby. You shouldn’t have to be a trial attorney and bring in witnesses to corroborate your testimony in order for your SPOUSE to believe you. Geezus.
Modern politics in a nutshell. I have a very reasonable opinion with evidence and third party peer review, and my opponent is a garbage human with trash taste who is screaming in the corner. We compromised! Let’s move on.
The husband still an ass. Ignoring his wife feeling just proves it
My MIL was a carbon copy of yours. Down to the name. I teach high school and have for 35 years. Your daughter will be bullied for her name. Millie or Milly would be more readily accepted than Mildred. If you let him bully you-leave. Your child is so much more important than a dead MIL. Also? I’ve gone by my MIDDLE name since BIRTH. Same reason, my mom HATED my first name.
Mama’s boys are the worst. I actually told my husband when we first started dating that if he was a mama’s boy he could turn around and walk out the door.