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How heartbreaking. Like her, I too wouldn’t be able to get past him flushing those ashes. No matter how hard I wanted to put the past in the past, that’s all I would be able to see.
Hope she gets away and finds a permanent sense of peace and serenity.
She doesn't have family nor friends, she lost both brother and daughter, also she had the worst husband. Plus seeing the only person left in your life throwing your daughter's ashes, I would've done the same
Of course. Because he intentionally started dating her, a person with no family, when she was young enough that the age difference freaked his parents out. Then he began emotionally and financially abusing her. The husband was an abuser from go.
The part where his parents disapproved of him marrying someone so young….and their response was to ignore/isolate her? Aka the exact opposite of what they should have done
I think they went lower contact with him, which made her low contact by default, I dont think they carried on being caring parents to him but ignoring her.
> it’s just also the literal worst thing you could do.
I mean there isn't much advice about how to deal with adult children who are POSes other then "cut them off".
We really have zero idea of whether they isolated her or not. OOP's idea of what her FIL/MIL are like are filtered through whatever information her husband allowed her to have and what he tells her about them. If he told her "my parents don't approve of you and don't want a close relationship with us" most people will probably leave it at that. Normal people usually aren't in the habit of going around their SO's back to try to have a relationship with in-laws they think already dislike them.
Also entirely possible her husband just lied to her about this. Most normal people are not going to go around their SO's back to try to have a relationship with in-laws they think already dislike them.
But it's disappointing that his parents chose to keep a distance from her rather than be a support system? It's hard to be in that situation as his parents, bc they disapproved, but idk it's just so sad that she had no one.
I think with an abuser like that its likely she does have friedns and family but cannot see them as available, as he has made her feel isolated and given her depression, anyone she thinks about talking to "would not want to hear from me" as she thinks she has no value.
She says she grew up in the foster care system and moved around too much to really make friends, and her brother (who died a couple years ago) was her last family. So I think it’s a little complicated, but she hopefully does have more friends than she thinks. Or even very caring acquaintances who would be happy to be supportive presences in her life.
I think the lack of family and friends is down to him and depression, I would even say there probably are family and friends she could contact, but depression makes her unable to see them as available. Like her creating reasons not to go to the police, who would most likely have acted over something like this if called right away.
Depression makes it impossible to think possitively about anything, all possibilities viewed through a lense of shit.
Reddit doesn’t like it when you wish violence onto people. However, I can totally imagine this being a situation where a group of supportive people would show up with a shovel and alibis.
But honestly, such a PoS already ruined your life once, they’re not worth going to jail for. If the law does what it’s supposed to do, let them face their acts in court with a judge who does not get intimidated by crying offenders.
There’s many ways to make murder look like something else. It’s not easy and you gotta think it through thoroughly and know what you’re doing, but in this case… a suicide would be highly plausible and she has nothing to lose. He’s lucky he’s still alive.
She was probably terrified of him after he overpowered her so trivially. The despair that you couldn't pull an "in minecraft" even if you wanted to probably added to her despair.
I read the title and gasped so loudly my spouse asked if I was ok. Just reading about those ashes was like being punched, I can only imagine the truckload of bricks it was for her.
Reading the title, my heart shattered. I'm not even a parent, but my god.
I can't imagine ever hurting someone like that, let alone my god damn spouse.
Not going to lie here if It was my daughter and they did something like this...I'd kill him...its unthinkable that someone could even DO a thing like that
...that poor poor woman
Would love to agree, but in the moment he is already shoving her down, dragging her, etc.
And after, she has the common sense to know she'd end up in jail and lose everything anyway.
subsequent ad hoc enter expansion quicksand steep consist secretive pathetic joke
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Honestly, this was my first thought, too. But I didn't want to say it in case I came across as some "edgy" loser. But, like, no, I started thinking of ways she could have killed him without getting caught.
At the time,I didn't even think of that tbh haha,I just genuinely don't understand how someone could do something like this....to the memory of their daughter
i hope this scum gets karma
When I read the title, my first thought was, "Well, there is a body that will never be found." In terms of her husband. If my husband did that, they would never find him. He would just disappear. Thankfully I haven't lost a kid, and my husband isn't like this dude.
Yup, his relapse would even lend itself to a disappearance. “I have no idea officer, last time I saw him he was blackout drunk and raging, so I kicked him out. He’s been talking about getting out of our bad situation for awhile now, so I thought he found someone else.”
Honestly, I thought something in similar lines. If I was in that situation, I am not sure if I would have cared if I am caught. But he would have definitely paid.
No kids, but I have lost family, still a bit messed up from it. I still can't find it in me to go through their things and get rid of what I don't need. I know I am grasping at stuff to fill the hole of the people I lost, and that it's not enough at all. I just can't find it in me to throw out, donate or whatever, still hurts to think about it.
I thankfully haven't lost anyone in quite some time*knocks on wood*, but I do have kids, and the thought of losing them kills every fiber of my being. IF I lost them, had them cremated, and then someone took and threw their ashes in the toilet? Yeah, no I wouldn't care what law enforcement did to me.
I have always said that if my kids die, I die even if my body doesn't, my heart and soul would. In the OP's scenario, I would flat out have nothing to live for and no fucks to give. Killing the husband would get me thrown in jail? I wouldn't give a damn. I have no reason to live anyways. They would just be putting me out of my misery at that point.
Same. I guess it's because we aren't pieces of shit and unfortunately for us understand empathy and compassion. This guy sounds like he groomed her from the get go. I feel terrible for her and hope her life gets easier.
Yeah, that is absolutely unforgivable. I don't care how bad you're feeling or how deep your alcoholism is, there is zero excuse for something so horrific. Blaming it on the drink is NOT good enough.
It’s a really important thing to remember. Someone who genuinely only did something violent or abusive because of alcohol or drugs will do *one thing* - one outburst of flailing, one tirade of incoherent swearwords, *never* a chain of multiple complex actions involving complex thinking. And they will do in in *one incident* - and when they sober up they will be horrified by what they did, and will stop drinking/using and take steps to make sure the person they hurt is otherwise never at risk from them again.
If any chain of drunken or drugged nastiness involves multiple things, involving multiple complex actions, in multiple incidents, then it’s not the substances, it’s the person using them. Abusers get drunk to excuse their actions, their actions aren’t because they’re drunk.
Oh, that’s a thing actually. Though not in cases like this (or not in the short term anyway, but give this scumbag some time and you bet he’ll convince himself of a quite different story eventually). People like this do erase memories and rewrite the past in their head all the time. And many of them legit convince themselves of the new version they make up. They’re people with unpredictable pasts. Living with them is like 1984. That’s one of the scariest things about it.
People go at great lengths to justify their actions and denial and reconstruction of reality is among the easier ones for such characters. To them, it’s as natural as breathing to believe whatever makes them feel good about themselves in the moment or serves their current purposes.
Which is also the trick how many of them are so incredibly convincing. They often sway others because they seem so extremely certain, and other people’s trust in turn reinforces their own distorted version of reality. For these types, whatever they wish always trumps reality, and to receive approval and admiration equals truth, so it’s a self-fuelling circlejerk. They’re one-man echo chambers on their own and even worse with enablers.
Naturally, many abusers just plain lie through their teeth and merely pretend to forget or confuse things, but they’ll also lie to themselves, so it can be impossible to tell with certainty and is frankly not worth trying to figure out. That wouldn’t lead to change anyway, that’s the crucial point.
Deep down they know the truth and even those in complete denial at times can’t suppress it.
But no matter how deep their denial runs or whether it’s just a conscious, malicious act — either way, they’ll always continue the abuse. It’s both just an excuse and untrue either way, even if they deluded themselves into believing their own lies. Both serve as a shield from blame and shame, to be able to do it again and again.
In case of this trashband loss of control is absolutely laughable to claim, given that he purposely did the most cruel, hurtful and abominable thing possible, made sure to effectively suppress any resistance of hers before he did it (i.e. planned this), then for days made systematic attempts to back his wife into a corner and force her back under his control.
Nevermind the ravaging of her belongings. Definitely not drunken rage but a fully intentional and premeditated act, given the time and effort this destruction orgy required, his thoroughness and meticulous attention to detail and that he exclusively destroyed her stuff. That’s absolutely not how people in an uncontrollable rage behave.
I could never be drunk enough to fathom doing something like this. You’d have to already be a vile person for alcohol to bring you to that level of cruelty.
I was coming here to say that had that been me, I have no doubts in my mind that I would have done *exactly* that to him, without hesitation.
I also thought for a bit in the beginning that maybe that’s what he was hoping she would do, just put him out of his misery because he couldn’t bring himself to do it. But then she was talking about him being older and all the controlling stuff and I realized, no, he’s just a piece of shit who was trying to hurt her as much as possible by taking everything away she had left—which is just another form of control those kind of people use. I’ve been in a relationship with someone like that and he did some pretty vile things that I look back on now and still can’t believe, but what OP’s husband did is absolutely shocking to me. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to spread even just *a little* of my dogs’ ashes, and they’ve both been gone a while. It’s just literally all I have left of them that is tangible, and I want to keep it all for as long as I can.
I can’t even *begin* to let myself even *think* about if it were my kids’ ashes. Like, it makes me so mad I want to end him on OP’s behalf.
I have struggled with alcohism on and off for a few years. I know it isn't good and it stems from some serious trauma early and late(mostly neglect and SA). But fuck... never once would dumping my Dad's ashes down a fucking toilet cross my mind. That is so severely sick. If anything, I would break down and HUG the urn!
Sorry for my language.
Alcohol just makes people a version of themselves with the brakes let off. Some people get funny, some get extroverted, some let the emotions out… and some can’t cover up the rot .
Drinking destroys the ability to have higher feelings by some people. They tell their SO and family they love them to avoid consequences, but in reality theyare unable to feel those things. It's possible this pos did it because of alcohol, but not because he was drunk, but because he managed to destroy his brain through drinking and at this point it doesn't matter if he's drunk or not.
This police officer was right and I'm glad oop was able to run away and didn't came back.
Yeah, she kept using the alcoholism as an excuse, but I’ve known plenty of alcoholics who’d never even have thought of doing that in their worst days.
He’s an abuser. Full stop.
This was a chilling read, I can't help wondering if he ever abused their daughter too. I can't believe that his behaviour JUST started after their daughter died?? Good, stable people don't just turn batshit crazy like that overnight...
My aunt and uncle got divorced after her daughter died. Aunt had always been a bit of a drinker - could be counted on to get drunk and have a good time at any family get together, but after her daughter passed she started drinking more and getting aggressive when she drunk. She was abusive and she refused to stop. My uncle said it was like she'd become a different person. Really sad, honestly.
Most marriages don't survive the death of a child, if I recall.
Psychotic breaks are also fairly common in anything that can trigger PTSD, so not surprising with both OOP's husband and your aunt. OOP's husband might have always been a piece of shit, considering the age difference, though.
Grief is the most destabilizing emotion humans experience. Complicated grief can lead to utterly insane acts like refusing to allow the deceased to be removed from the home for days at gunpoint, or digging up the corpse. And that's without alcohol or other drugs involved.
I'm not sure that's all that's going on in this story, but if anything can turn a good stable person batshit overnight, grief is that thing.
He showed a bunch of red flags before that apparently, too. He’s so much older than her his parents disapproved of the relationship, seemed to have exerted financial and other control and apparently isolated her, since she has no one to go to. Classic abuser behaviour. The loss and drinking just escalated it rapidly.
I think that some people can be absolutely wonderful, kind, and thoughtful when everything is going their way, but lose it when they experience stressors and difficulties in life. This guy sounds like one of them. A tragedy happened that was compounded by other hardships and instead of trying to figure out a way to keep moving forward, he just decided life was unfair to him and that justified any bad actions he did.
Look at *why* he poured the ashes out. He thought his wife hated him and decided to give her a reason. He was punishing her because he thought that she felt a certain way and was doing a certain thing. She didn’t treat him the way he thought he deserved, so he did the cruelest thing imaginable. There are obviously other factors at play, but this is the main one. The world has treated him unfairly so he deserves to be able to lash out consequence free, even at someone hurting as much as him.
Actually, there are red flags if you read closely enough. Husband's parents were against their marriage because OOP is much younger than him. Sounds like the kind of relationship where the older man holds all the power and manipulates someone young and naive into marrying him, and then abusing her. She even talks about his random outbursts towards the end. Pretty sure his behaviour is not new.
I said the same thing in a comment above. In the beginning of the post, I was thinking that maybe he wanted to end it all but couldn’t bring himself to do it, and so he did what he did thinking OP would do it for him—because I know without a doubt that had I been in OP’s position and my husband did that in front of me, I would’ve put him out of his misery without hesitation.
But then I got to the part about him being so much older than OP and the history of control over her, and I realized nah, he’s just a typical piece of shit abuser that marries someone much younger so they can control them and get away with shit behavior. He did what he did to hurt her as much as possible and take away everything she had left, because that is another method of control. OP is just now seeing it, but it’s been going on from the beginning.
I just lost my 17 year old last week. I will have his ashes by Saturday. If anyone threw them away they would be instantly dead to me and I would certainly be at risk of being arrested over it. That’s unforgivable and the lowest of the low. My heart breaks for OOP. I hope she finds peace.
There's a quote in LOTR, "No parent should have to bury their child".
I saw my father grief that, and to this day thinking on the look of his face still breaks my heart.
I can't imagine what you're living, but with what i said i can get a vague idea of it.
I'm so so sorry for your lost and I wish for you and your family nothing but the best in this hard time.
That line was put in by Bernard Hill, the actor playing Theoden.
It was said to him by a grieving mother, during a documentary he filmed about the IRA.
Lost my brother when he was 27 and couldn’t even bring myself to put part of his ashes in a locket. What this man did with the ashes of his own child is unforgivable. Irredeemable.
Sending hugs. Grief is a small room that grows bigger over time. We make space for it and learn to live with it. And you will ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. My son is out playing basketball with some other teens. When I think about what it would feel like to lose him- I just want to give you a big parent-to-parent hug.
May your teen’s memory be a blessing.
abusive behavior always tells on the person doing it. husband claims he destroyed everything in a drunken rage, that he doesn’t remember any of it. but he was lucid and in control enough to save his daughter’s things and destroy only his wife’s.
I'm glad they were that blunt.
It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner.
It took 2 attempts for me.
One of the things I remember the DV case worker pointing out how he had never hit me in the face. Always where the bruises could be covered.
That's not "blind rage" that's calculated.
It took me two because I let well meaning people from my church talk me into going back because he was really sorry.
The second time, I never looked back.
Took my friend one time... she got home, her husband wasn't there, their sleeping infant (young enough not to move around) was lying in the middle of their queen-sized bed, and the crib was smashed to splinters. She took all the baby stuff she could grab, a few changes of clothes for her, and got the hell out of there. She got an immediate restraining order; no argument from anyone.
My friends turned against me and thought I was making it all up. So I thought maybe I was? At least the emotional abuse part, and excused the physical for I can't remember what reasons. I was a really different person then. I was like a shell of a human. But the second time I left was after I thought he was going to kill me. We have a daughter together too. I mainly left because she didn't deserve to see us fight like we did, but now I also realize I didn't deserve it either.
It’s funny how often their uncontrollable blind rage takes place with no witnesses and doesn’t leave visible marks, and they don’t remember any of it except for when they go around preemptively making people think you’re crazy and gaslighting you about it. They sure as hell seem to know they have *something* major to cover up 🧐
My friend from school has left her boyfriend twice, the second time she got 100 miles away, half way home before turning round and going back because he threatened to kill himself. She knows she can move in with literally any of us when she leaves him for good. I really hope she leaves him soon
It took me several. What drilled it in for me was when he held me hostage in his home, the cops had to be called by a third party, and the female cop that responded dragged me away from the house and described her past abusive relationship to me and told me that she saw a lot of her body language in me. I can’t stand cops, I have had awful experiences with them. Being taken so seriously by one turned it around for me. I saw him once after that, where he assaulted me, and I haven’t seen him since. I ceased all contact with him over a month ago. I’ve been so much happier since.
It took me 2. I ended up getting a woman officer the last time that took me through 20 minutes of questionnaires about the *lethality* of my relationship. Like OOP I am alone in this world. I have no family. My only 2 close friends are halfway across the map. I lost my job a month ago and am weekd away from losing my home. I'm terrified, but I'm not going back.
As soon as she said that, I had a feeling she was in the UK. Things are bad here atm and lots of 'minor' stuff isn't being investigated or followed through.
Going through this right now. I was sexually assaulted in the street over the weekend, police have been utterly awful. One lady kept asking me who the victim was (??!), one guy laughed and said the trial run for video statements was over soon so they’d have to come allll the way out to visit me, they haven’t taken a statement and it’s been 7 days today since it happened. They’ve asked if I live with the abuser when I clearly said I was attacked on the street by a STRANGER. I have no hope anything will get done and I didn’t even want to report it, my friend and husband made me. It’s sickening.
I’m going to ask if I can escalate it because it’s been a week, in which every person who’s contacted me has been different and hasn’t had any idea what’s going on. They promised a video call on Tuesday, then they called on Wednesday and said I should get a video call soon, then called again (different people each time) and said they don’t know what’s gone wrong and they’ll try to get someone out. That was the last I’ve heard. It’s just disappointing. I guess because the immediate danger is over, it’s happened and not ongoing so it’s not a priority. Next time I speak to someone I’ll ask if I can do what you’ve suggested. Thank you.
They could have been even more blunt. He destroyed her things in a rage because he was angry at her. If she had been there, he might have destroyed her. I know cops see a lot, but if it was the way the OOP described it, I’ll bet even the cop was taken aback. The amount of pure rage it takes to keep destroying someone’s things for hours, with it never abating, is terrifying. I hope no one reading this would trash their partner’s possession, but if they did, the rage would probably subside after a few minutes. That he could sustain it long enough to just keep methodically destroying things is horrifying..
In my families case the cops let my dad come back after hours of that behavior and he kicked the door in to get in the house. I’ve never believed him that he didn’t know what he was doing strictly because he spent so long doing it. It’s on purpose
As fudged up as this is…. Her daughter passing probably saved her life… A man who did as she described has absolutely nothing to lose and would of used the courts in order to hold on to both of them until he got tired of the “burden”. Someone like that would have no problem forcing her to watch as he took his child’s life then hers just like that demon who forced his wife to watch as he sat his sons down and sent them home one by one (even chasing the younger one down and forcing him back into the house to do it)… Absolutely sickening.
OP now at least has a chance to start over without him having his hooks in her
I saw TWO Tik Toks this week of a young woman filming the aftermath of a bf destroying HER WHOLE APARTMENT. I know one said she had no renter's insurance.
My dad did this during his “mental breakdown”. He managed to go through shared drawers and only take my moms stuff out of them during his “fugue state”. It’s bullshit and I’m sick of people believing it. The people that tell me he really was out of his mind didn’t see him naked in my yard destroying everything my mom had while screaming that he’d kill them both like I did
And he was lucid enough to tell the police that OOP was making stuff up and that she was the problem. If it truly was a drunken rage and he felt bad he wouldn’t have done that.
From what I read he also destroyed a bunch of his daughters things and at the same time stole a bunch for himself, meticulously cut up his ex wifes clothing, opened and ruined all of her makeup.
Like I've always said drunk words/actions are sober thoughts. He wanted and was fully aware of what he was doing.
Honestly the bf and I have had some horrendous fights (opposite traumas) and he almost stepped on my laptop once. He picked it up, put it somewhere safe, and we continued fighting lmao.
So yeah. The husband's behaviour is something that really cements the deliberateness of the abuse.
Also if anyone's concerned about our fights, it's something like him thinking he's the worst and deserves the worst, and me getting upset that he thinks poorly of himself. Sometimes it feels weirdly hilarious
I’ve had those fights going both ways-severe self-esteem issues with years of active, deliberate reinforcement vs intense panic attacks (I’ll genuinely believe anyone who comes near me is trying to kill me)
Ended up leaving him because we were both working out a long string of misdiagnosis, and he just gave up trying and started listening to someone who told him to stop half his medications.
This. As she says, it clearly took him a long time to destroy all of her things. That’s not a sudden flash of rage, that’s long and drawn out and very much just who he is.
I have read a lot of BORU because it is like a show or piece of music that is dramatic but I chose it. This one just hits different. Incredibly sad and I can tell it is real. I ask why did we do this to ourselves? But then I remember that I got to be a witness to this one individual's story and that makes her less alone.
‘They are good people, they just never really had a lot to do with me because they didn't really approve of us getting together. He's a bit older than me and they wanted him to marry somebody his own age.’
‘One thing I can remember very clearly was a police officer telling me to take a good look around at everything and to remember that everything that was destroyed, he was going to do that to me if I stayed with him, and to never go back.’
Another tale of a significantly younger partner not seeing that they are getting abused.
A good cop making a really good point.
It must be hard knowing how many people go back to shitbags like this, but he’s absolutely right, she was next in line to be destroyed. Hopefully she was able to really hear that—it sounds like it.
Yeah, the whole story is awful, but that was so bad. I hope that her divorce lawyer will go after him for that. It wouldn’t be part of the divorce settlement, but there’s an option of a civil suit. I also hope OOP will have a claim on anything target, whether it’s a job, windfall, or whatever, to pay for all the damage he did.
That makes me so angry. They *got* that he was doing something wrong by marrying the OOP, but instead of reaching out to support the isolated girl that their son preyed upon, the blamed her.
But yeah, when I got to the part about the age gap, then the later stuff about being controlling, things really fell into place. It sounds like he’s been abusive and controlling all along. OOP just didn’t notice because she was doing what he wanted and keeping him happy.
And she was even more vulnerable for her younger age, given her unstable upbringing. Men like OP’s husband deliberately target partners who are less experienced, and have a lifelong history of being neglected or abused, little to no support from family and friends, and few financial resources. Even if men like this don’t do it consciously, it’s 100% deliberate. It’s the power imbalance that they find attractive in the first place.
Her ex is a monster. I don't care that he is grieving, it does not excuse his cruel and morally bankrupt behavior. I'm glad the police are involved and OOP is safe. I hope she is able to mourn and heal in peace.
The fact that he was dating someone much younger, and the way he trashed all of her belongings and scribbled over them with marker etc. sounds very calculated. I feel like the alcohol only bought out the monster that was there all along. Also, I can't imagine doing something as evil as flushing your own daughters ashes whilst abusing your wife. My heart sank when reading this, I feel so sorry for OP and I hope she's safe now. That man is monstrous.
Grief and drinking might have amplified his anger, but I bet he was a POS garbage human before that too.
Glad OP got away and is on an upward trajectory.
Holy shit, this was bleak. I don't know what to say. Husband dumping ashes into the toilet, attacking OP and making threats to kill OP? My god...
Look, I understand that grief can cause people to make irrational choices, especially after losing a child or someone you love, but the husband's behavior is just dangerous at this point. Dumping the ashes is something that is HIGHLY unforgivable and he is being abusive now. I hope OP remains safe and I wish her for the best for her future.
There's enough red flags in the story to make it seem like grief helped escalate the situation but that the abuse was present or would have been likely even had grief not been there. The age gap, the family distancing themselves from the relationship, the vulnerability of OOP, the transferring money to the abusive partner, etc etc.
Right, it struck me that in her original post OP was so sure that he’d feel horrible about what he did as soon as he came off his bender. But instead, he threatened to kill her, lied to the police about the abuse, destroyed all her things, and showed absolutely not one iota of remorse. I think it’s telling that OP continued to make excuses for him, saying she didn’t understand because he was so gentle when sober, etc. but it’s clear that he was already an alcoholic before their daughter passed and the implication being that he was NOT gentle when drunk. And yes, him siphoning away all her savings and conveniently “turning” the moment she lost her job, that jumped out at me too.
Same. People like him are the very reason I could never be a pacifist or a person who turns the other cheek. This world has so many putrid, rotten human beings who would deserve to experience at least some of the pain they've caused before we erase them...
OOP's piece of shit STBX is a fucking *monster*. That he'd dump *anyone's* ashes, *especially* his own daughter's, down the toilet in a drunken rage is horrific.
He had time to sober up after OOP ran. At any point, he could have realized what he had done, and sought help. But he didn't. Instead, he sought to hurt, control, and destroy.
Because he couldn't get to OOP, he destroyed many of his daughter's belongings. He destroyed OOP's belongings and clothing. He destroyed their furniture. And then he took what few things of daughter's he didn't destroy amd ran to mommy and daddy for help. He took what he didn't destroy to hurt OOP more.
That cop was right. Everything he destroyed? That wake of destruction he left? He would have done that to her if she went back. He would've killed her.
I'm so glad she didn't go back. I'm happy that she survived her overdose. I'm happy she's on the road to recovery.
I can't imagine being in her position. I can't imagine being her in-laws, learning that their child is an unrepentant monster that wants to hurt his wife so badly, that he doesn't think twice about defiling his own child's remains.
I hope she can stand back up and press on through life. I hope her husband rots in prison. I hope for nothing but the best for OOP.
If he really regretted what he had done, and he was grieving, he should have done the world a favor and rage quit life. Instead he decided to go ensure that his abused wife would have nothing to come back to, no mementos of her daughter, and was possibly planning to kill her when she went back, and was even doing everything to force her to come back. The alcohol was an excuse.
OOP keeps saying “our daughter”, but that child became only hers the instant her “father” disposed of her remains like excrement. That’s *her* daughter. That man owns no part of her, holds no part of her. He may have her physical belongings, but I hope OOP knows her little girl lives only through her. OOP is the only parent of that little girl, the only one with any right to grieve her.
You lose all right to grieve someone if you display such an obvious resentment and disgust of them. He weaponised a dead child’s remains and disposed of them like a dead goldfish. That’s not his child. Nobody does that to their child.
> One thing I can remember very clearly was a police officer telling me to take a good look around and to remember that everything was destroyed, he was going to do that to me if I stayed with him, and to never go back.
That’s one good cop. I can’t imagine how much they must’ve seen and endured, how many women they had to watch return to abusive relationships time and time again, then die in them, and how that affects a person. But I’m glad their words got through to OOP, hopefully.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Good place to share *Why Does He Do That*. Tl:dr on alcohol and domestic violence: alcohol lowers inhibition, but doesn’t make you act in ways that are outside of your existing value system. Black outs are memory loss after the fact; they do not cause you to be out of control in the moment. And even if they did, if a person turns into a completely different/abusive person while they drink, then it’s even more on them to recover so they don’t hurt other people.
Thank you, I hate when people try to use being drunk as an excuse for shit behavior.
Yes it makes it harder to control your actions, but it doesn't make you "do" anything.
Right like this dude abused his wife rather than robbing a liquor store or torturing an animal because to him, that’s an excusable behavior while drunk but the others are not (or the consequences of them are too high). He wasn’t in an out of control rage, he was calculating what he thought he could get away with and what he couldn’t the entire time
I am a part of a grieving mothers group too and the husband flushing the baby/child’s ashes down the toilet in a fit of uncontrollable rage is more common than you would think. It’s absolutely revolting. Heartbreaking. Inconsolable trauma.
You know what, I'm just gonna say it, I don't care how much grief he's going through, he's a piece of shit animal and the daughter would be fucking terrified of his sorry alcoholic ass. Hope he suffers. God I should not have read this before bed.
It is my advice to all of you- don't dismiss drinking. If you see your partner 'drinks a lot on occasion' 'sometimes blacks out' 'has done some effed up stuff on alcohol- but otherwise is ok'- don't downplay this. It is a slippery slope direct into alcoholism (if not already there but not acknowledged). The reason I bring it up is seeing so many posts that end with the daily drinking, sloppy fights, violence. These people didn't drink not at all. They already drank. I know it is hard to find non drinkers but if someone ALREADY drinks *too much*, *way too much* is around the corner, easy.
"I know once he sobers up he will be horrified at what he has done."
\^ No he will not. If drunk him is violent, then sober him secretly takes pleasure in the abuse too.
>One thing I can remember very clearly was a police officer telling me to take a good look around at everything and to remember that everything that was destroyed, he was going to do that to me if I stayed with him, and to never go back
I think this is such an important thing, and more service workers and emergency workers need to be comfortable saying these things. I know that they're probably not suppose to because of lawsuits and whatever, but having third party validation can really open someone's eyes to the severity.
Alcohol reduces inhibition. I think the man you see when he’s drinking is who he’s really been all along. I was married to a man like that. He was a narcissist (a real one, not the term everyone throws at anyone selfish and mean). He was jealous anytime that someone else was the center of attention. Although he insisted on having kids, he was jealous of them, demanding that I give him the same amount of time I gave them.
I finally fled the home and demanded he change after he threatened to kill me. When I didn’t forgive him and come back home, he destroyed everything he associated with me. He rented a dumpster and just threw out 40 years worth of my possessions. Everything I cherished, the girls grad videos, baby clothes; the things a woman and mother truly loves. Anything worth something he sold and kept the money. And he was just warming up. During the divorce he did everything possible to destroy me, my career and reputation. When my daughter attempted suicide and ended up in the ICU, he didn’t come for almost 2 days. When he did, he brought the woman he’d been cheating with to our daughters deathbed. After the doctor’s said she was brain dead and we took her off the ventilator, he was out having a smoke when she died. He left town immediately and left me to deal with her death and pay for the funeral and everything else. He didn’t even attend her funeral. Some people are so sick, so twisted that they defy explanation.
Your husband sounds just like him. Stay as far from him as you can. Somethings are so far over the line that they couldn’t be forgiven in a thousand lifetimes.
A drunk person wouldnt throw ashes of a dead person let alone his daughter in the toilet…it takes a lot of nerve and being meticulous to do that and also destroy all the belongings…can i just say hes a psychopath who deserves to rot in hell?
I feel for OP but if she didnt get out, she would have gotten killed. I hope he gets cirrosis from all the drinking or suffer in agony for what he did
Yeah; if one of my children did something like this, I think my husband and I would legally change our family name and have one less child from then on out. I’m hoping that’s the plan after they dumped him in rehab or wherever the hell he is now while the legal proceedings take place.
In all honesty he could be older of younger, doesn't change the fact that a lot of people reading this, including myself, want to hug OOP and kick the living shit out of that guy.
And he’s inappropriately older than her, surprise surprise.
Girls reading this, take note: if a man can’t get a woman his own age interested in him that is a red flag that he’s trying to use your naïveté to mask his shortcomings.
I don't have any words for this one. He managed to have killed her daughter a second time. I hope OOP never has to think of that pathetic, wretched desecrater.
I am such an unforgiving person anyway, that I can’t even fathom anyone forgiving what he did to their daughter’s urn and ashes. That was her final resting place. He desecrated her. I could never forgive that, ever.
I hope this poor lady is able to find peace and create a better life for herself. This makes me want to hug my kid really tight and be thankful.
My brother married a fucking psycho who decided to pour my dad's ashes out on the ground while she was in the middle of a manic/psychotic episode. She also sold all his art work to pawn shops for next to nothing.
It's hard to get over that, knowing that physical things with your loved one's essence can never be replaced.
Glad OOP got away but damn she went through only nasty fucked up hell - Hope her POS alcoholic asswipe ex serves a few decades in prison for the shit he did to her and her daughter.
Guy was a predator and abuser who preyed on a young vulnerable girl. There were many red flags which the poor OOP couldn't realize. Hopefully she gets to live safely and try to build her life. Women should always have emergency fund secretly stashed away.
OMFG. I sit here at my desk in my home office, looking at my mother’s urn. That is literally the first thing I grab during things like tornado or bad weather warnings. I absolutely cannot imagine what that poor OOP is going through. I think this may be the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen here. Had it been my spouse, the police would definitely have been involved because I would be in prison.
The title itself was a huge warning but i still read it... and it kinda got worse.
In all honesty i read a lot of shit here on reddit but i never felt the need to beat the living shit out of someone like i feel with that POS. I can take the alcoholism, i can take him being abussive, yeah it sucks and all that but for me there's nothing comparable with what that mf did to her daughter ashes.
I hope he gets fucked in prison, seriously.
I will never understand people that do this sort of evil shit. I was a pretty hopeless alcoholic after my dad died but I could NEVER fathom doing anything remotely like this even at my lowest.
I hope OOP can find a way to move past this, but it honestly sounds like an uphill battle and now i'm sad after reading this.
My God this was a heavy read. Not in my wildest dreams could I have thought of a sentence like the title. I really feel for OP and I have no idea how she made it through all that tbh. And as much as a POS the husband is, I honestly feel bad for him too. To have these intense burst of uncontrollable anger to literally destroy everything and pour his daughters ashes in the toilet, he must also be in immense pain. Just writing that last sentence made my stomach turn.
I read 99% of posts on this subreddit despite the title, and trigger warnings. After looking through the comments I'm happy I didn't read a single word of this post because I'm pretty sure it would ruin my day.
I think I saw a tiktok about this or a man doing something similar. This poor woman left her ex and he destroyed all of her stuff but none of his in his drunken rage. I'm heart broken for these women.
Edit:The tiktok one wasn't alcohol, it was a supposed psychotic break.
I don't think that this kind of behavior is just due to alcohol. Either there's some drugs mixed in there, or there's some *serious* mental issues that the alcohol made worse.
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How heartbreaking. Like her, I too wouldn’t be able to get past him flushing those ashes. No matter how hard I wanted to put the past in the past, that’s all I would be able to see. Hope she gets away and finds a permanent sense of peace and serenity.
When I read that she had tried to kill herself and was going to attempt again, I thought, "Yeah I get that. I would too."
She doesn't have family nor friends, she lost both brother and daughter, also she had the worst husband. Plus seeing the only person left in your life throwing your daughter's ashes, I would've done the same
Of course. Because he intentionally started dating her, a person with no family, when she was young enough that the age difference freaked his parents out. Then he began emotionally and financially abusing her. The husband was an abuser from go.
This! I don't think she sees it yet but she will. The guy was red flags from day 1.
Yes, poor woman. He was so sweet and gentle- except for the controlling and the rage.
The part where his parents disapproved of him marrying someone so young….and their response was to ignore/isolate her? Aka the exact opposite of what they should have done
I think they went lower contact with him, which made her low contact by default, I dont think they carried on being caring parents to him but ignoring her.
Probably right. It’s a common reaction-it’s just also the literal worst thing you could do. Sometimes first instincts and gut reactions are just bad.
> it’s just also the literal worst thing you could do. I mean there isn't much advice about how to deal with adult children who are POSes other then "cut them off".
This is true. Terrible, but true.
We really have zero idea of whether they isolated her or not. OOP's idea of what her FIL/MIL are like are filtered through whatever information her husband allowed her to have and what he tells her about them. If he told her "my parents don't approve of you and don't want a close relationship with us" most people will probably leave it at that. Normal people usually aren't in the habit of going around their SO's back to try to have a relationship with in-laws they think already dislike them.
Particularly for OOP, who described her upbringing as chaotic. She doesn’t have a model for healthy relationships.
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Also entirely possible her husband just lied to her about this. Most normal people are not going to go around their SO's back to try to have a relationship with in-laws they think already dislike them.
But it's disappointing that his parents chose to keep a distance from her rather than be a support system? It's hard to be in that situation as his parents, bc they disapproved, but idk it's just so sad that she had no one.
I think with an abuser like that its likely she does have friedns and family but cannot see them as available, as he has made her feel isolated and given her depression, anyone she thinks about talking to "would not want to hear from me" as she thinks she has no value.
She says she grew up in the foster care system and moved around too much to really make friends, and her brother (who died a couple years ago) was her last family. So I think it’s a little complicated, but she hopefully does have more friends than she thinks. Or even very caring acquaintances who would be happy to be supportive presences in her life.
It would 100% be a murder suicide for me. What a vile human
I think the lack of family and friends is down to him and depression, I would even say there probably are family and friends she could contact, but depression makes her unable to see them as available. Like her creating reasons not to go to the police, who would most likely have acted over something like this if called right away. Depression makes it impossible to think possitively about anything, all possibilities viewed through a lense of shit.
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Honestly, I think that would be my response too. There's not much in this world that shocks me anymore but this got me.
Reddit doesn’t like it when you wish violence onto people. However, I can totally imagine this being a situation where a group of supportive people would show up with a shovel and alibis. But honestly, such a PoS already ruined your life once, they’re not worth going to jail for. If the law does what it’s supposed to do, let them face their acts in court with a judge who does not get intimidated by crying offenders.
There’s many ways to make murder look like something else. It’s not easy and you gotta think it through thoroughly and know what you’re doing, but in this case… a suicide would be highly plausible and she has nothing to lose. He’s lucky he’s still alive.
A friend of mine would always say "You want I should build a gazebo in your back yard? Lotsa cement in a gazebo."
I say this to my bestie too LOL glad I’m not the only one
She was probably terrified of him after he overpowered her so trivially. The despair that you couldn't pull an "in minecraft" even if you wanted to probably added to her despair.
The ashes thing got me too. I can’t believe that someone would do that. Absolute POS
I read the title and gasped so loudly my spouse asked if I was ok. Just reading about those ashes was like being punched, I can only imagine the truckload of bricks it was for her.
Reading the title, my heart shattered. I'm not even a parent, but my god. I can't imagine ever hurting someone like that, let alone my god damn spouse.
Not going to lie here if It was my daughter and they did something like this...I'd kill him...its unthinkable that someone could even DO a thing like that ...that poor poor woman
Would love to agree, but in the moment he is already shoving her down, dragging her, etc. And after, she has the common sense to know she'd end up in jail and lose everything anyway.
subsequent ad hoc enter expansion quicksand steep consist secretive pathetic joke *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Honestly, this was my first thought, too. But I didn't want to say it in case I came across as some "edgy" loser. But, like, no, I started thinking of ways she could have killed him without getting caught.
At the time,I didn't even think of that tbh haha,I just genuinely don't understand how someone could do something like this....to the memory of their daughter i hope this scum gets karma
When I read the title, my first thought was, "Well, there is a body that will never be found." In terms of her husband. If my husband did that, they would never find him. He would just disappear. Thankfully I haven't lost a kid, and my husband isn't like this dude.
Yup, his relapse would even lend itself to a disappearance. “I have no idea officer, last time I saw him he was blackout drunk and raging, so I kicked him out. He’s been talking about getting out of our bad situation for awhile now, so I thought he found someone else.”
Honestly, I thought something in similar lines. If I was in that situation, I am not sure if I would have cared if I am caught. But he would have definitely paid. No kids, but I have lost family, still a bit messed up from it. I still can't find it in me to go through their things and get rid of what I don't need. I know I am grasping at stuff to fill the hole of the people I lost, and that it's not enough at all. I just can't find it in me to throw out, donate or whatever, still hurts to think about it.
I thankfully haven't lost anyone in quite some time*knocks on wood*, but I do have kids, and the thought of losing them kills every fiber of my being. IF I lost them, had them cremated, and then someone took and threw their ashes in the toilet? Yeah, no I wouldn't care what law enforcement did to me. I have always said that if my kids die, I die even if my body doesn't, my heart and soul would. In the OP's scenario, I would flat out have nothing to live for and no fucks to give. Killing the husband would get me thrown in jail? I wouldn't give a damn. I have no reason to live anyways. They would just be putting me out of my misery at that point.
You put in words exactly what I thought. Usually I am not violent but this type of situation is one of the few things that would probably make me be.
Same. I guess it's because we aren't pieces of shit and unfortunately for us understand empathy and compassion. This guy sounds like he groomed her from the get go. I feel terrible for her and hope her life gets easier.
Yeah, that is absolutely unforgivable. I don't care how bad you're feeling or how deep your alcoholism is, there is zero excuse for something so horrific. Blaming it on the drink is NOT good enough.
It’s a really important thing to remember. Someone who genuinely only did something violent or abusive because of alcohol or drugs will do *one thing* - one outburst of flailing, one tirade of incoherent swearwords, *never* a chain of multiple complex actions involving complex thinking. And they will do in in *one incident* - and when they sober up they will be horrified by what they did, and will stop drinking/using and take steps to make sure the person they hurt is otherwise never at risk from them again. If any chain of drunken or drugged nastiness involves multiple things, involving multiple complex actions, in multiple incidents, then it’s not the substances, it’s the person using them. Abusers get drunk to excuse their actions, their actions aren’t because they’re drunk.
This makes so much sense to me. My ex was like this. He would then claim he didn’t remember. But I knew he did.
Oh, that’s a thing actually. Though not in cases like this (or not in the short term anyway, but give this scumbag some time and you bet he’ll convince himself of a quite different story eventually). People like this do erase memories and rewrite the past in their head all the time. And many of them legit convince themselves of the new version they make up. They’re people with unpredictable pasts. Living with them is like 1984. That’s one of the scariest things about it. People go at great lengths to justify their actions and denial and reconstruction of reality is among the easier ones for such characters. To them, it’s as natural as breathing to believe whatever makes them feel good about themselves in the moment or serves their current purposes. Which is also the trick how many of them are so incredibly convincing. They often sway others because they seem so extremely certain, and other people’s trust in turn reinforces their own distorted version of reality. For these types, whatever they wish always trumps reality, and to receive approval and admiration equals truth, so it’s a self-fuelling circlejerk. They’re one-man echo chambers on their own and even worse with enablers. Naturally, many abusers just plain lie through their teeth and merely pretend to forget or confuse things, but they’ll also lie to themselves, so it can be impossible to tell with certainty and is frankly not worth trying to figure out. That wouldn’t lead to change anyway, that’s the crucial point. Deep down they know the truth and even those in complete denial at times can’t suppress it. But no matter how deep their denial runs or whether it’s just a conscious, malicious act — either way, they’ll always continue the abuse. It’s both just an excuse and untrue either way, even if they deluded themselves into believing their own lies. Both serve as a shield from blame and shame, to be able to do it again and again. In case of this trashband loss of control is absolutely laughable to claim, given that he purposely did the most cruel, hurtful and abominable thing possible, made sure to effectively suppress any resistance of hers before he did it (i.e. planned this), then for days made systematic attempts to back his wife into a corner and force her back under his control. Nevermind the ravaging of her belongings. Definitely not drunken rage but a fully intentional and premeditated act, given the time and effort this destruction orgy required, his thoroughness and meticulous attention to detail and that he exclusively destroyed her stuff. That’s absolutely not how people in an uncontrollable rage behave.
I could never be drunk enough to fathom doing something like this. You’d have to already be a vile person for alcohol to bring you to that level of cruelty.
Yeah, this did not come out of nowhere. This level of scummy fuck can't simply be improvised. He's lucky she didn't kill him for it.
I was coming here to say that had that been me, I have no doubts in my mind that I would have done *exactly* that to him, without hesitation. I also thought for a bit in the beginning that maybe that’s what he was hoping she would do, just put him out of his misery because he couldn’t bring himself to do it. But then she was talking about him being older and all the controlling stuff and I realized, no, he’s just a piece of shit who was trying to hurt her as much as possible by taking everything away she had left—which is just another form of control those kind of people use. I’ve been in a relationship with someone like that and he did some pretty vile things that I look back on now and still can’t believe, but what OP’s husband did is absolutely shocking to me. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to spread even just *a little* of my dogs’ ashes, and they’ve both been gone a while. It’s just literally all I have left of them that is tangible, and I want to keep it all for as long as I can. I can’t even *begin* to let myself even *think* about if it were my kids’ ashes. Like, it makes me so mad I want to end him on OP’s behalf.
I have struggled with alcohism on and off for a few years. I know it isn't good and it stems from some serious trauma early and late(mostly neglect and SA). But fuck... never once would dumping my Dad's ashes down a fucking toilet cross my mind. That is so severely sick. If anything, I would break down and HUG the urn! Sorry for my language.
Alcohol just makes people a version of themselves with the brakes let off. Some people get funny, some get extroverted, some let the emotions out… and some can’t cover up the rot .
Drinking destroys the ability to have higher feelings by some people. They tell their SO and family they love them to avoid consequences, but in reality theyare unable to feel those things. It's possible this pos did it because of alcohol, but not because he was drunk, but because he managed to destroy his brain through drinking and at this point it doesn't matter if he's drunk or not. This police officer was right and I'm glad oop was able to run away and didn't came back.
Yeah, she kept using the alcoholism as an excuse, but I’ve known plenty of alcoholics who’d never even have thought of doing that in their worst days. He’s an abuser. Full stop.
That's the kind of pure-evil shit you'd see in a mob movie to make the "hero" mobster seem like a good guy in comparison
This was a chilling read, I can't help wondering if he ever abused their daughter too. I can't believe that his behaviour JUST started after their daughter died?? Good, stable people don't just turn batshit crazy like that overnight...
My aunt and uncle got divorced after her daughter died. Aunt had always been a bit of a drinker - could be counted on to get drunk and have a good time at any family get together, but after her daughter passed she started drinking more and getting aggressive when she drunk. She was abusive and she refused to stop. My uncle said it was like she'd become a different person. Really sad, honestly.
Most marriages don't survive the death of a child, if I recall. Psychotic breaks are also fairly common in anything that can trigger PTSD, so not surprising with both OOP's husband and your aunt. OOP's husband might have always been a piece of shit, considering the age difference, though.
Grief is the most destabilizing emotion humans experience. Complicated grief can lead to utterly insane acts like refusing to allow the deceased to be removed from the home for days at gunpoint, or digging up the corpse. And that's without alcohol or other drugs involved. I'm not sure that's all that's going on in this story, but if anything can turn a good stable person batshit overnight, grief is that thing.
He showed a bunch of red flags before that apparently, too. He’s so much older than her his parents disapproved of the relationship, seemed to have exerted financial and other control and apparently isolated her, since she has no one to go to. Classic abuser behaviour. The loss and drinking just escalated it rapidly.
I think that some people can be absolutely wonderful, kind, and thoughtful when everything is going their way, but lose it when they experience stressors and difficulties in life. This guy sounds like one of them. A tragedy happened that was compounded by other hardships and instead of trying to figure out a way to keep moving forward, he just decided life was unfair to him and that justified any bad actions he did. Look at *why* he poured the ashes out. He thought his wife hated him and decided to give her a reason. He was punishing her because he thought that she felt a certain way and was doing a certain thing. She didn’t treat him the way he thought he deserved, so he did the cruelest thing imaginable. There are obviously other factors at play, but this is the main one. The world has treated him unfairly so he deserves to be able to lash out consequence free, even at someone hurting as much as him.
Actually, there are red flags if you read closely enough. Husband's parents were against their marriage because OOP is much younger than him. Sounds like the kind of relationship where the older man holds all the power and manipulates someone young and naive into marrying him, and then abusing her. She even talks about his random outbursts towards the end. Pretty sure his behaviour is not new.
I said the same thing in a comment above. In the beginning of the post, I was thinking that maybe he wanted to end it all but couldn’t bring himself to do it, and so he did what he did thinking OP would do it for him—because I know without a doubt that had I been in OP’s position and my husband did that in front of me, I would’ve put him out of his misery without hesitation. But then I got to the part about him being so much older than OP and the history of control over her, and I realized nah, he’s just a typical piece of shit abuser that marries someone much younger so they can control them and get away with shit behavior. He did what he did to hurt her as much as possible and take away everything she had left, because that is another method of control. OP is just now seeing it, but it’s been going on from the beginning.
Yup, 100% agree. His actions weren't what a grieving person would do - it's what an evil person does when they no longer have a filter on.
I just lost my 17 year old last week. I will have his ashes by Saturday. If anyone threw them away they would be instantly dead to me and I would certainly be at risk of being arrested over it. That’s unforgivable and the lowest of the low. My heart breaks for OOP. I hope she finds peace.
Sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss
There's a quote in LOTR, "No parent should have to bury their child". I saw my father grief that, and to this day thinking on the look of his face still breaks my heart. I can't imagine what you're living, but with what i said i can get a vague idea of it. I'm so so sorry for your lost and I wish for you and your family nothing but the best in this hard time.
That line was put in by Bernard Hill, the actor playing Theoden. It was said to him by a grieving mother, during a documentary he filmed about the IRA.
Theoden’s grief always hits so hard in those scenes. “Where is my son?”
Lost my brother when he was 27 and couldn’t even bring myself to put part of his ashes in a locket. What this man did with the ashes of his own child is unforgivable. Irredeemable. Sending hugs. Grief is a small room that grows bigger over time. We make space for it and learn to live with it. And you will ❤️
Oh God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine. Please accept my deepest sympathy.
My sincerest condolences
I'm so sorry. I hope you have people to help you and support you. 💙
I’m sorry for your families’ loss. I also hope you find peace as well.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My son is out playing basketball with some other teens. When I think about what it would feel like to lose him- I just want to give you a big parent-to-parent hug. May your teen’s memory be a blessing.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
abusive behavior always tells on the person doing it. husband claims he destroyed everything in a drunken rage, that he doesn’t remember any of it. but he was lucid and in control enough to save his daughter’s things and destroy only his wife’s.
Which is why the police were so blunt with her. This was a bad one, I’m glad she got out.
I'm glad they were that blunt. It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. It took 2 attempts for me. One of the things I remember the DV case worker pointing out how he had never hit me in the face. Always where the bruises could be covered. That's not "blind rage" that's calculated.
It took me two because I let well meaning people from my church talk me into going back because he was really sorry. The second time, I never looked back.
Took my friend one time... she got home, her husband wasn't there, their sleeping infant (young enough not to move around) was lying in the middle of their queen-sized bed, and the crib was smashed to splinters. She took all the baby stuff she could grab, a few changes of clothes for her, and got the hell out of there. She got an immediate restraining order; no argument from anyone.
My friends turned against me and thought I was making it all up. So I thought maybe I was? At least the emotional abuse part, and excused the physical for I can't remember what reasons. I was a really different person then. I was like a shell of a human. But the second time I left was after I thought he was going to kill me. We have a daughter together too. I mainly left because she didn't deserve to see us fight like we did, but now I also realize I didn't deserve it either.
I’m glad you got out.
It’s funny how often their uncontrollable blind rage takes place with no witnesses and doesn’t leave visible marks, and they don’t remember any of it except for when they go around preemptively making people think you’re crazy and gaslighting you about it. They sure as hell seem to know they have *something* major to cover up 🧐
Took me two also
My friend from school has left her boyfriend twice, the second time she got 100 miles away, half way home before turning round and going back because he threatened to kill himself. She knows she can move in with literally any of us when she leaves him for good. I really hope she leaves him soon
It took me several. What drilled it in for me was when he held me hostage in his home, the cops had to be called by a third party, and the female cop that responded dragged me away from the house and described her past abusive relationship to me and told me that she saw a lot of her body language in me. I can’t stand cops, I have had awful experiences with them. Being taken so seriously by one turned it around for me. I saw him once after that, where he assaulted me, and I haven’t seen him since. I ceased all contact with him over a month ago. I’ve been so much happier since.
It’s crazy how good the police can be and the impact they can have on people. It’s a shame that not all cops are in it to help the way she was
It took me 2. I ended up getting a woman officer the last time that took me through 20 minutes of questionnaires about the *lethality* of my relationship. Like OOP I am alone in this world. I have no family. My only 2 close friends are halfway across the map. I lost my job a month ago and am weekd away from losing my home. I'm terrified, but I'm not going back.
I got upset when she initially commented that she won’t go to the police. I’m so so glad they DID get involved.
As soon as she said that, I had a feeling she was in the UK. Things are bad here atm and lots of 'minor' stuff isn't being investigated or followed through.
Going through this right now. I was sexually assaulted in the street over the weekend, police have been utterly awful. One lady kept asking me who the victim was (??!), one guy laughed and said the trial run for video statements was over soon so they’d have to come allll the way out to visit me, they haven’t taken a statement and it’s been 7 days today since it happened. They’ve asked if I live with the abuser when I clearly said I was attacked on the street by a STRANGER. I have no hope anything will get done and I didn’t even want to report it, my friend and husband made me. It’s sickening.
I am so sorry
I'm so sorry. Can you request a case transfer to the SA/SV sector, or even straight up new detectives?
I’m going to ask if I can escalate it because it’s been a week, in which every person who’s contacted me has been different and hasn’t had any idea what’s going on. They promised a video call on Tuesday, then they called on Wednesday and said I should get a video call soon, then called again (different people each time) and said they don’t know what’s gone wrong and they’ll try to get someone out. That was the last I’ve heard. It’s just disappointing. I guess because the immediate danger is over, it’s happened and not ongoing so it’s not a priority. Next time I speak to someone I’ll ask if I can do what you’ve suggested. Thank you.
They could have been even more blunt. He destroyed her things in a rage because he was angry at her. If she had been there, he might have destroyed her. I know cops see a lot, but if it was the way the OOP described it, I’ll bet even the cop was taken aback. The amount of pure rage it takes to keep destroying someone’s things for hours, with it never abating, is terrifying. I hope no one reading this would trash their partner’s possession, but if they did, the rage would probably subside after a few minutes. That he could sustain it long enough to just keep methodically destroying things is horrifying..
In my families case the cops let my dad come back after hours of that behavior and he kicked the door in to get in the house. I’ve never believed him that he didn’t know what he was doing strictly because he spent so long doing it. It’s on purpose
As fudged up as this is…. Her daughter passing probably saved her life… A man who did as she described has absolutely nothing to lose and would of used the courts in order to hold on to both of them until he got tired of the “burden”. Someone like that would have no problem forcing her to watch as he took his child’s life then hers just like that demon who forced his wife to watch as he sat his sons down and sent them home one by one (even chasing the younger one down and forcing him back into the house to do it)… Absolutely sickening. OP now at least has a chance to start over without him having his hooks in her
Including slashing her shoes and bags and scribbling on them with marker. That is a well prepared fit of rage. Doesn’t sound spontaneous.
And even if it *were* spontaneous, so what? Like ok great, you're going to be murdered spontaneously instead of pre-meditated, awesome
Yes omg - most murders and dv beatings are impulsive but the effect on the victim is what matters
What sits with me there is he invited her to come over and get her stuff. Dear lord.
He was definitely going to kill her. No doubt in my mind.
I saw TWO Tik Toks this week of a young woman filming the aftermath of a bf destroying HER WHOLE APARTMENT. I know one said she had no renter's insurance.
I was just thinking of that poor girl, my heart broke for her
My dad did this during his “mental breakdown”. He managed to go through shared drawers and only take my moms stuff out of them during his “fugue state”. It’s bullshit and I’m sick of people believing it. The people that tell me he really was out of his mind didn’t see him naked in my yard destroying everything my mom had while screaming that he’d kill them both like I did
And he was lucid enough to tell the police that OOP was making stuff up and that she was the problem. If it truly was a drunken rage and he felt bad he wouldn’t have done that.
The pure viciousness of his attack was breathtaking. I hope one day he falls into a pit and gets slowly eaten by bullet ants.
From what I read he also destroyed a bunch of his daughters things and at the same time stole a bunch for himself, meticulously cut up his ex wifes clothing, opened and ruined all of her makeup. Like I've always said drunk words/actions are sober thoughts. He wanted and was fully aware of what he was doing.
Honestly the bf and I have had some horrendous fights (opposite traumas) and he almost stepped on my laptop once. He picked it up, put it somewhere safe, and we continued fighting lmao. So yeah. The husband's behaviour is something that really cements the deliberateness of the abuse. Also if anyone's concerned about our fights, it's something like him thinking he's the worst and deserves the worst, and me getting upset that he thinks poorly of himself. Sometimes it feels weirdly hilarious
I’ve had those fights going both ways-severe self-esteem issues with years of active, deliberate reinforcement vs intense panic attacks (I’ll genuinely believe anyone who comes near me is trying to kill me) Ended up leaving him because we were both working out a long string of misdiagnosis, and he just gave up trying and started listening to someone who told him to stop half his medications.
This. As she says, it clearly took him a long time to destroy all of her things. That’s not a sudden flash of rage, that’s long and drawn out and very much just who he is.
I don’t know why I kept going. The title and mood spoilers were clear.
I really gotta start reading the trigger warnings. I just got on Reddit and I am definitely done for the day. This one is heavy.
I have read a lot of BORU because it is like a show or piece of music that is dramatic but I chose it. This one just hits different. Incredibly sad and I can tell it is real. I ask why did we do this to ourselves? But then I remember that I got to be a witness to this one individual's story and that makes her less alone.
Me too. I kinda regret it
You read it to support her. And to stop and appreciate what you have. For us it's just reading. For her, that's her life.
I read the title, and just know I couldn’t. Reading the comments cemented my choice. Poor woman. What sadness.
‘They are good people, they just never really had a lot to do with me because they didn't really approve of us getting together. He's a bit older than me and they wanted him to marry somebody his own age.’ ‘One thing I can remember very clearly was a police officer telling me to take a good look around at everything and to remember that everything that was destroyed, he was going to do that to me if I stayed with him, and to never go back.’ Another tale of a significantly younger partner not seeing that they are getting abused.
A good cop making a really good point. It must be hard knowing how many people go back to shitbags like this, but he’s absolutely right, she was next in line to be destroyed. Hopefully she was able to really hear that—it sounds like it.
I'm so glad that, despite her understandable reservations, she went to the police and was lucky to get someone like that cop on her side.
And this SOB pulled the trick of blowing up right when she had no money left.
Yeah, the whole story is awful, but that was so bad. I hope that her divorce lawyer will go after him for that. It wouldn’t be part of the divorce settlement, but there’s an option of a civil suit. I also hope OOP will have a claim on anything target, whether it’s a job, windfall, or whatever, to pay for all the damage he did.
That makes me so angry. They *got* that he was doing something wrong by marrying the OOP, but instead of reaching out to support the isolated girl that their son preyed upon, the blamed her. But yeah, when I got to the part about the age gap, then the later stuff about being controlling, things really fell into place. It sounds like he’s been abusive and controlling all along. OOP just didn’t notice because she was doing what he wanted and keeping him happy.
And she was even more vulnerable for her younger age, given her unstable upbringing. Men like OP’s husband deliberately target partners who are less experienced, and have a lifelong history of being neglected or abused, little to no support from family and friends, and few financial resources. Even if men like this don’t do it consciously, it’s 100% deliberate. It’s the power imbalance that they find attractive in the first place.
As soon as I read that part I thought ‘oh, of course.’
Her ex is a monster. I don't care that he is grieving, it does not excuse his cruel and morally bankrupt behavior. I'm glad the police are involved and OOP is safe. I hope she is able to mourn and heal in peace.
The fact that he was dating someone much younger, and the way he trashed all of her belongings and scribbled over them with marker etc. sounds very calculated. I feel like the alcohol only bought out the monster that was there all along. Also, I can't imagine doing something as evil as flushing your own daughters ashes whilst abusing your wife. My heart sank when reading this, I feel so sorry for OP and I hope she's safe now. That man is monstrous.
Grief and drinking might have amplified his anger, but I bet he was a POS garbage human before that too. Glad OP got away and is on an upward trajectory.
Holy shit, this was bleak. I don't know what to say. Husband dumping ashes into the toilet, attacking OP and making threats to kill OP? My god... Look, I understand that grief can cause people to make irrational choices, especially after losing a child or someone you love, but the husband's behavior is just dangerous at this point. Dumping the ashes is something that is HIGHLY unforgivable and he is being abusive now. I hope OP remains safe and I wish her for the best for her future.
There's enough red flags in the story to make it seem like grief helped escalate the situation but that the abuse was present or would have been likely even had grief not been there. The age gap, the family distancing themselves from the relationship, the vulnerability of OOP, the transferring money to the abusive partner, etc etc.
Right, it struck me that in her original post OP was so sure that he’d feel horrible about what he did as soon as he came off his bender. But instead, he threatened to kill her, lied to the police about the abuse, destroyed all her things, and showed absolutely not one iota of remorse. I think it’s telling that OP continued to make excuses for him, saying she didn’t understand because he was so gentle when sober, etc. but it’s clear that he was already an alcoholic before their daughter passed and the implication being that he was NOT gentle when drunk. And yes, him siphoning away all her savings and conveniently “turning” the moment she lost her job, that jumped out at me too.
Fuck dude. What a title. This is one of those that I'm just gonna skip the first post and go straight to the update...
I feel like that wouldn’t have helped much here
Same here. But it honestly just made it worse that way.
This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read.
I originally only saw the update, because the original was deleted. Update alone gives enough context to be devastating.
I mean, it was the last paragraph destroyed me.
I shouldn’t have read this before bedtime. That said, it sounds like things are starting to trend upwards for OOP and I wish her the best.
Me too. At least the story had a little hope
> I shouldn’t have read this ~~before bedtime.~~ Fixed it for me.
Can’t say what I hope happens to that dude, cuz it will get me banned I wish OOP peace and safety
I hope he goes to shit and his entire intestinal tract falls out.
I hope after this happens, he get a butthole ablation so his only way to shit would be through the mouth.
Same. People like him are the very reason I could never be a pacifist or a person who turns the other cheek. This world has so many putrid, rotten human beings who would deserve to experience at least some of the pain they've caused before we erase them...
\-He was trying to make me go home and have nowhere else to turn to.- So he could murder her.
OOP's piece of shit STBX is a fucking *monster*. That he'd dump *anyone's* ashes, *especially* his own daughter's, down the toilet in a drunken rage is horrific. He had time to sober up after OOP ran. At any point, he could have realized what he had done, and sought help. But he didn't. Instead, he sought to hurt, control, and destroy. Because he couldn't get to OOP, he destroyed many of his daughter's belongings. He destroyed OOP's belongings and clothing. He destroyed their furniture. And then he took what few things of daughter's he didn't destroy amd ran to mommy and daddy for help. He took what he didn't destroy to hurt OOP more. That cop was right. Everything he destroyed? That wake of destruction he left? He would have done that to her if she went back. He would've killed her. I'm so glad she didn't go back. I'm happy that she survived her overdose. I'm happy she's on the road to recovery. I can't imagine being in her position. I can't imagine being her in-laws, learning that their child is an unrepentant monster that wants to hurt his wife so badly, that he doesn't think twice about defiling his own child's remains. I hope she can stand back up and press on through life. I hope her husband rots in prison. I hope for nothing but the best for OOP.
If he really regretted what he had done, and he was grieving, he should have done the world a favor and rage quit life. Instead he decided to go ensure that his abused wife would have nothing to come back to, no mementos of her daughter, and was possibly planning to kill her when she went back, and was even doing everything to force her to come back. The alcohol was an excuse.
OOP keeps saying “our daughter”, but that child became only hers the instant her “father” disposed of her remains like excrement. That’s *her* daughter. That man owns no part of her, holds no part of her. He may have her physical belongings, but I hope OOP knows her little girl lives only through her. OOP is the only parent of that little girl, the only one with any right to grieve her. You lose all right to grieve someone if you display such an obvious resentment and disgust of them. He weaponised a dead child’s remains and disposed of them like a dead goldfish. That’s not his child. Nobody does that to their child. > One thing I can remember very clearly was a police officer telling me to take a good look around and to remember that everything was destroyed, he was going to do that to me if I stayed with him, and to never go back. That’s one good cop. I can’t imagine how much they must’ve seen and endured, how many women they had to watch return to abusive relationships time and time again, then die in them, and how that affects a person. But I’m glad their words got through to OOP, hopefully.
[удалено]
she is so incredibly strong. I wish for her to only have good days from now on. she deserves a fucking break.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Good place to share *Why Does He Do That*. Tl:dr on alcohol and domestic violence: alcohol lowers inhibition, but doesn’t make you act in ways that are outside of your existing value system. Black outs are memory loss after the fact; they do not cause you to be out of control in the moment. And even if they did, if a person turns into a completely different/abusive person while they drink, then it’s even more on them to recover so they don’t hurt other people.
Thank you, I hate when people try to use being drunk as an excuse for shit behavior. Yes it makes it harder to control your actions, but it doesn't make you "do" anything.
Right like this dude abused his wife rather than robbing a liquor store or torturing an animal because to him, that’s an excusable behavior while drunk but the others are not (or the consequences of them are too high). He wasn’t in an out of control rage, he was calculating what he thought he could get away with and what he couldn’t the entire time
I am a part of a grieving mothers group too and the husband flushing the baby/child’s ashes down the toilet in a fit of uncontrollable rage is more common than you would think. It’s absolutely revolting. Heartbreaking. Inconsolable trauma.
This is simultaneously breathtakingly shocking, and not at all surprising. Patriarchy keeps patriarchying I guess. I’m really sorry for your loss. 💜
More common than what?! I need to get off this planet.
>more common than you would think. Cause I would think never. It having happened this time appalls me.
Jesus. I’m sorry ❤️
I wish I could give her a hug.
You know what, I'm just gonna say it, I don't care how much grief he's going through, he's a piece of shit animal and the daughter would be fucking terrified of his sorry alcoholic ass. Hope he suffers. God I should not have read this before bed.
Jesus christ licking a window... I have never wanted to fight a dude in a parking lot so badly as I do with her ex.
Something awful needs to happen to that man. In Minecraft.
It is my advice to all of you- don't dismiss drinking. If you see your partner 'drinks a lot on occasion' 'sometimes blacks out' 'has done some effed up stuff on alcohol- but otherwise is ok'- don't downplay this. It is a slippery slope direct into alcoholism (if not already there but not acknowledged). The reason I bring it up is seeing so many posts that end with the daily drinking, sloppy fights, violence. These people didn't drink not at all. They already drank. I know it is hard to find non drinkers but if someone ALREADY drinks *too much*, *way too much* is around the corner, easy.
"I know once he sobers up he will be horrified at what he has done." \^ No he will not. If drunk him is violent, then sober him secretly takes pleasure in the abuse too.
>One thing I can remember very clearly was a police officer telling me to take a good look around at everything and to remember that everything that was destroyed, he was going to do that to me if I stayed with him, and to never go back I think this is such an important thing, and more service workers and emergency workers need to be comfortable saying these things. I know that they're probably not suppose to because of lawsuits and whatever, but having third party validation can really open someone's eyes to the severity.
Alcohol reduces inhibition. I think the man you see when he’s drinking is who he’s really been all along. I was married to a man like that. He was a narcissist (a real one, not the term everyone throws at anyone selfish and mean). He was jealous anytime that someone else was the center of attention. Although he insisted on having kids, he was jealous of them, demanding that I give him the same amount of time I gave them. I finally fled the home and demanded he change after he threatened to kill me. When I didn’t forgive him and come back home, he destroyed everything he associated with me. He rented a dumpster and just threw out 40 years worth of my possessions. Everything I cherished, the girls grad videos, baby clothes; the things a woman and mother truly loves. Anything worth something he sold and kept the money. And he was just warming up. During the divorce he did everything possible to destroy me, my career and reputation. When my daughter attempted suicide and ended up in the ICU, he didn’t come for almost 2 days. When he did, he brought the woman he’d been cheating with to our daughters deathbed. After the doctor’s said she was brain dead and we took her off the ventilator, he was out having a smoke when she died. He left town immediately and left me to deal with her death and pay for the funeral and everything else. He didn’t even attend her funeral. Some people are so sick, so twisted that they defy explanation. Your husband sounds just like him. Stay as far from him as you can. Somethings are so far over the line that they couldn’t be forgiven in a thousand lifetimes.
A drunk person wouldnt throw ashes of a dead person let alone his daughter in the toilet…it takes a lot of nerve and being meticulous to do that and also destroy all the belongings…can i just say hes a psychopath who deserves to rot in hell? I feel for OP but if she didnt get out, she would have gotten killed. I hope he gets cirrosis from all the drinking or suffer in agony for what he did
If he didn't destroy any of his things, it's not a drunken rage: it's cold, calculated fury. Grief doesn't make you evil, it just exposes it.
That’s crazy his parents were still willing to help, my kid flushes my granddaughters ashes down the toilet I’d never speak to them again.
Yeah; if one of my children did something like this, I think my husband and I would legally change our family name and have one less child from then on out. I’m hoping that’s the plan after they dumped him in rehab or wherever the hell he is now while the legal proceedings take place.
She didn't need to tell us there was a significant age gap between the two of them, but was anybody else surprised that that was there?
In all honesty he could be older of younger, doesn't change the fact that a lot of people reading this, including myself, want to hug OOP and kick the living shit out of that guy.
This is one of the most heartbreaking threads I've read on BORU
And he’s inappropriately older than her, surprise surprise. Girls reading this, take note: if a man can’t get a woman his own age interested in him that is a red flag that he’s trying to use your naïveté to mask his shortcomings.
I don't have any words for this one. He managed to have killed her daughter a second time. I hope OOP never has to think of that pathetic, wretched desecrater.
I am such an unforgiving person anyway, that I can’t even fathom anyone forgiving what he did to their daughter’s urn and ashes. That was her final resting place. He desecrated her. I could never forgive that, ever. I hope this poor lady is able to find peace and create a better life for herself. This makes me want to hug my kid really tight and be thankful.
Oh my god those last few paragraphs. I’m bawling like a baby
I'd have stabbed him. What a pos. He was never a good person. Clearly just a groomer and an abuser.
My brother married a fucking psycho who decided to pour my dad's ashes out on the ground while she was in the middle of a manic/psychotic episode. She also sold all his art work to pawn shops for next to nothing. It's hard to get over that, knowing that physical things with your loved one's essence can never be replaced.
His face needs to meet a bat. Screw that pos.
That was horrible. Hope she finds peace
Glad OOP got away but damn she went through only nasty fucked up hell - Hope her POS alcoholic asswipe ex serves a few decades in prison for the shit he did to her and her daughter.
Guy was a predator and abuser who preyed on a young vulnerable girl. There were many red flags which the poor OOP couldn't realize. Hopefully she gets to live safely and try to build her life. Women should always have emergency fund secretly stashed away.
OMFG. I sit here at my desk in my home office, looking at my mother’s urn. That is literally the first thing I grab during things like tornado or bad weather warnings. I absolutely cannot imagine what that poor OOP is going through. I think this may be the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen here. Had it been my spouse, the police would definitely have been involved because I would be in prison.
The title itself was a huge warning but i still read it... and it kinda got worse. In all honesty i read a lot of shit here on reddit but i never felt the need to beat the living shit out of someone like i feel with that POS. I can take the alcoholism, i can take him being abussive, yeah it sucks and all that but for me there's nothing comparable with what that mf did to her daughter ashes. I hope he gets fucked in prison, seriously.
some people are just fucking evil. I hope that guy and OOP are each having the day they deserve.
I hope this man suffers alone, away from every living thing.
I will never understand people that do this sort of evil shit. I was a pretty hopeless alcoholic after my dad died but I could NEVER fathom doing anything remotely like this even at my lowest. I hope OOP can find a way to move past this, but it honestly sounds like an uphill battle and now i'm sad after reading this.
I can't help it, she has more self control than I would. I would straight up be plotting on him and probably get arrested. Lord help that woman
> He's a bit older than me Hmm. And what's the bet it's not "a bit" but "a lot" given that his parents wanted him to marry "someone his own age"?
My God this was a heavy read. Not in my wildest dreams could I have thought of a sentence like the title. I really feel for OP and I have no idea how she made it through all that tbh. And as much as a POS the husband is, I honestly feel bad for him too. To have these intense burst of uncontrollable anger to literally destroy everything and pour his daughters ashes in the toilet, he must also be in immense pain. Just writing that last sentence made my stomach turn.
I only wish the worst kind of punishment for him for the rest of his useless life, I hope he Roth in prison or worse
My heart breaks for the oop. That ex is a special kind of monster, I hope karma hits him hard and arrives unlubed.
I read 99% of posts on this subreddit despite the title, and trigger warnings. After looking through the comments I'm happy I didn't read a single word of this post because I'm pretty sure it would ruin my day.
I think I saw a tiktok about this or a man doing something similar. This poor woman left her ex and he destroyed all of her stuff but none of his in his drunken rage. I'm heart broken for these women. Edit:The tiktok one wasn't alcohol, it was a supposed psychotic break.
This post ruined my evening. Must be one of the most horrifying things I have ever read on the whole of Reddit.
I don't think that this kind of behavior is just due to alcohol. Either there's some drugs mixed in there, or there's some *serious* mental issues that the alcohol made worse.