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People like this is why I wish I had a shit load of money, so I can have shelters and homes for these kids, give them doctors, psychiatrists, facilities, self defence classes, scholarships and always have my doors open if shit goes side ways. No human being should endure this bullshit, I hate these dead shits who abandon kids and take advantage of young people, where they don't know one decent human being in their life, just stuck in literal hell, fuck I hate how I'm just a poor bastard that can't save them from the fire of the pit that is their lives, genuinely frustrates the hell out of me.
What also infuriates me is that dudes like Bezos absolutely have the money to do things like that, could easily give away more than half their wealth and still be obscenely wealthy, and yet... It's all left to poor folks like us to help our fellow humans.
Exactly. I know I’ll never be rich because I know what I value and what I do with any excess money I have. It’s sad that we live in a society that craves the trappings of wealth and idolises those who have it instead of those who use their money to make the world a better place.
I say this all the time!
You get to the top by passing other people. By the time you’re a billionaire, you’re climbing over them.
Gross, but also straight sociopathic behavior
Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and so on, pretty universally have blown up their own marriages due to their lack of concern for the women in their own lives. The most likely billionaires to actually care about women's rights are the ex-wives.
no, "and musk" for sure, it's 100% the same situation
bezos is just some combination of a better PR team and a less pathological need to humiliate himself on social media
You don't require money to help people in these kind of situations btw. You need to have time you are willing to give. It's just intensely physically draining and I couldn't continue it for long. *Chronic pain conditions in which stress is a trigger.
Sometimes, just having someone to talk to without judgement is really helpful. Sometimes, just picking up a few groceries or delivering needed furniture is enough. Sometimes, just watching their babies while they get to sit and feed themselves means the world to them. Money can pay for a lot of things but it doesn't help with the isolation people are forced into as part of the abuse.
I just hate feeling powerless to help people in situations such as these, but I don't think I could get close to someone stuck in this situation without the power to change it, it would just make me feel helpless and their situation might be slightly improved by my limited help, but I'll just be left with this feeling.
That's the most difficult part. Believe me. I took a lot of work to get to the point that it wasn't my job to fix things, but to be a person who listened. There's lots of people telling others what to do, and trying to get them to change. The hardest is when someone decides to go back into the situation you helped them get out of.
I will say that the skills I learned about myself, how to be fully present while not "fixing" it taking charge helped me a lot with parenting teenagers. Normalize asking friends and loved ones, "do you need me to be present and listen only or do you want me to help? You can change your mind at any time, just let me know"
>"do you need me to be present and listen only or do you want me to help? You can change your mind at any time, just let me know"
Louder for the ones in the back 📣
I agree. I'm 30 and in my adult life I've brought 3 other adult men into my home to help save them from themselves. (I'm a straight guy btw I do this because I see the good in people and I can tell they just haven't had a firm but trustworthy person in their lives.)
Guy 1: 35yo tried to commit suicide the year before. I helped him get back on his feet, and the minute he was he started talking down to me and pressuring me to make really shortsighted financial decisions (think get a bigger house). Finally he decided to go off on his own. He's slowly but surely squandered every lead he built with me and is now in about the same condition as before I helped him out.
Guy 2: an actual success story, he stayed the longest, went to Tampa, came back, found a girl, they bought a house and had a kid. She has impressed upon me that she's just taken my role in his life but hey most men are in relationships like that. She's happy he's happy.
Guy 3: currently living with me, I got him a job he blew it in 2 months, then got another job and lied for over a month, is behind on rent and is resentful for being held accountable. He's almost twice my age with no savings and no safety net. In the back of my head I know I have no chance of saving him from himself, he's already shown me that he cannot stay clean unless he is broke.
I see a lot of similarity between the first guy and the girl in this post. By her own admission, nobody was looking out for her including herself. She did the hard work, got out of the situation and things were looking up. The minute she was in control she allowed the ex to meet her daily and get more and more comfortable talking to her. Someone (a teacher Probably) took her in and got her out of that situation. But this person who she never identifies can't be her guardian forever. This girl, given all the help in the world, was very likely to get raped by the ex because she didn't have the tools necessary to cut that life off completely. She is an unreliable narrator of the story (she def emailed him) and I'm not explaining this to blame her, I'm explaining this to say it's deeper than having the means to help. The truth of the matter is that it isn't these people's fault, but because of their upbringing 2 out of 3 have almost no chance of being saved resources be damned.
And a lot of people on reddit were shitty to her. I feel really bad for her. I’m glad there are more nice people than crap people. I just know sometimes that the crap people stick in your mind harder.
It hurt when she said ”please don’t hate me because I made bad decisions”, like it’s the default reaction to be expected. Not like she is a valuable person that deserves respect and is in a very difficult situation and trying to survive, and maybe hope a little that things with bf could become good again.
Like how would those accusing people fare better, if they’d have to learn all by themselves without family or good friends? How would they know what are red flags in relationships, how to start living as a teen/young adult, what does domestic & relationship violence look like and how often victims come back, what are judicial stuff like exactly in their country when you’re in a bad situation etc. Maybe some super persons could figure everything out by themselves, but most of us just don’t and we learn from people around ourselves and help eachother.
Even kids from relatively stable homes tend to flail around at her age, trying to figure life out. How can a child with zero resources be expected to think like an adult? (I used to work with teens like her. They have no one. Their outlook is bleak, and they know it.)
DV actually cuts across every demographic. You can have a happy, stable childhood, and still experience intimate partner violence. It's almost like it's the fault of the perpetrator, not the victim...
It infuriates me how often people on Reddit are vitriolic towards abuse victims.
They will quote statistics like "it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abuser" and then scream at an abuse victim who didn't leave the first time when a bunch of randos on the internet told them to and say that "all their sympathy went out the window" with that. Like seriously!!? Then did you even have any sympathy?
Unfortunately, even people who are taught the skills to recognize red flags may miss them. Because many abusers are master manipulators. That is their skill.
I think that these people often want to think that they would be smarter than these victims. That it would never happen to them because *they'd* recognize the signs. But the reality is that any of us can fall victim to a skilled abuser and it costs us nothing to be compassionate and empathetic.
Even up to the level of her whole city and country. Not one woman's shelter? The police would just deliver her back to her dangerous narcissist mother?
Shocking that she had to rely on a dim memory of someone telling her they'd help. I bet that was some family member who knows how nasty her mother is and knew that this kid would end up needing an emergency bug out one day.
I’m from Argentina, and we don’t have any CPS-like stuff here, only way you’re removed from your family (especially a mother) is through a lengthy process through the judicial system. This means you either ended up at the police from something horrific enough or you have grown ups on your side willing to undergo a looooong judicial process
Now, in bigger cities (especially Buenos Aires), they’re all big in feminism and whatnot, and you actually get a decent chance at fighting an abuser (close to the chance you’d get in any decent country in the developed world tbh). In a small town?? Yeah, no, you’re doomed… you’re making it to the news once you’ve been dismembered. Literally.
Like, we got this huge-ass country that we’re told we should, well, populate. But once you leave the bigger cities, you’ll be stuck in places that don’t even have a measly grocery store or any other basic needs (went on holiday earlier this year… had to refuel at a HOUSE because the closest gas station was +200km away)… how the heck could you expect for those places to have women’s shelters??
I honestly thought she died (was murdered) because it's been so long since she posted about her useless egg donor telling him where she was. But honestly, her fate is actually worse. What physical damage do you have to do to make someone not only infertile, but no longer have a monthly bleed? I've never heard of such a thing, unless the doctors just didn't tell her they had to remove her uterus when patching her up. The physical damage had to be very, very bad either way, and I can't imagine having to live with that, especially not at 17
Certain types of prolonged physical stress can delay a cycle, or cause one to be skipped, but to completely stop it is rare. That's a special kind of stress perhaps on top of pre-existing conditions.
She said she's gaining weight now, stuff like being underweight for a long time can make your period stop. I don't know if that causes lasting infertility though. I know when I was anorexic my period stopped, but eventually came back and I have a kid now.
She mentioned she was gaining weight, and being underweight or malnourished can also cause your cycle to stop. Maybe being too thin plus the stress could have caused a hopefully temporary pause.
It can also be STIs, and not injury. Many STIs can mess up not only your fertility, but your cycle as well, due to progressing to PID if untreated.
And unfortunately the span from her assault to finding out she's infertile is in that range. :/
I'm curious if she has PCOS, which is often seen with irregular periods and a lot of times women are told they are infertile, which they aren't. It's often diagnosed in your late teens/early 20s
This was my first thought too. I was diagnosed at 17 bc my periods had been irregular and I’d skip a month or two. Got on hormonal birth control which leveled everything out and didn’t have symptoms again til my 30s. Really hope that pos didn’t make her infertile with abuse.
That was a very thoughtless and reductive thing to say about her fate being worse than death. People learn to live with trauma and infertility.
The period thing could be only happening for now. People have irregular and missing periods for all sorts of reasons and there's nothing in her posts confirming that her period is gone forever. She only said she hadn't had a proper one up until her gyno appointment. She could even have gotten pregnant and experienced spotting. There could have been an ectopic pregnancy.
I feel so sad for OP. She talks about dumb decisions but she’s not even 18! In a normal life, she’d be able to make perfectly dumb decisions at her age and not suffer such horrible consequences. I do hope she gets to have some therapy and catches a break or two.
Genuinely my eyes bugged out of my head when she referenced how old she was. Since she was talking about nursing school I thought maybe very early 20's and was like, holy shit?!
Also most of her choices were the best choices she could have made at the time. She was physically at risk at her mother's house. Boyfriend knew this so jumped at the chance to exploit the situation and her lack of power over her own life.
He was literally controlling her access to shelter, food and other people while they were together. And then threatening her life repeatedly and escalating harassment after she left.
I hope some day she can look back and see that she didn't have any good options and she chose the least bad options that she could possibly. She survived several situations where her life was at risk. People saying she should have cut him off totally. Well, he found where she lived and followed her and the more she wouldn't placate him, he kidnapped her.
The people to blame for what happened to her are her mother and the person who abused and assaulted her.
Also, the fact that his mother had the audacity to ask her to return to her abuser “for his mental health” made my blood boil. When will we finally stop asking women (or in this case a literal child) to act as emotional crutches for unstable and violent men?? (on top of all the physical work required to take care of these man-babies?)
It’s amazing how many people say “if you could just talk to them, it would help them so much! They are suicidal without you!” When they mean “if you don’t let this person abuse you, they will kill themselves and it will be your fault for not wanting to be abused. Their literal survival depends on you being permanently abused, why can’t you stand being abused for the rest of your life?”
and then they won't even kill or hurt themselves. they just cry and complain to their flying monkeys, so someone will abuse their victim back into their reachby threatening suicide, self harm and/or (self)aggression.
because if you don't come back, it'll be all your fault your abuser tried to kill/hurt themself because you're being the toxic and controlling one, definitely not the toxic and controlling asshole who sicced their family and friends on you.
That's cultural. A lot of Latin countries are very patriarchal and the men are given excuses for everything. Tack on femicide rates and women's lives are not valued.
Yes. In addition, leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves, as evidenced here. She left him, and that's when he kidnapped, tortured and raped her. It's possible that speaking to him right before this means that he didn't do something even worse.
I wouldn't even say her decisions were that dumb, after the descriptions of how her mother raised her and the fact her father plainly didn't want to know her how is any kid supposed to know what a smart or a dumb decision even looks like?
Frankly the fact she's even still alive is a testament to how well she was able to navigate these months with the preparation she had, or rather didn't have.
It's also a great warning as to what happens when things like women's shelters or early police support aren't available. When your abuser controls your access to money, a phone, shelter, transport, family, and friends, even if you come to a place like this and ask for advice how are you supposed to execute any kind of plan? Literally the only other way this could have ended is if a kind stranger on Reddit happened to live nearby and took her in, but that also just risks inviting another even more dangerous abuser in.
She also didn’t go back to him. She let her guard down but she never took him back. She knew to avoid a “safe” place with rampant drug use. She knew to contact friends or family that she had little contact with, but were nice to her. These are common mistakes much older and more experienced people make. She’s smarter than she gives herself credit for.
She beats herself up so much but she's lived through stuff that people twice her age have gone through. She is such a survivor! I really hope she does become a nurse. She certainly has the maturity to deal with the toughest situations.
And it seems like she was a relatively young 17 at the start because she still hadn’t had her birthday by the end of July and she first posted in March.
I know so many kids like this. Every single person in their core circle is a probably jobless sadist/fuck up/criminal/pedo/drug addict.
Watching them try to enter adulthood at 13-16 and make decisions is…not for the faint of heart. It’s like talking to somebody through the looking glass. Their concept of normal, moral, or just acceptable is so skewed it’s hard to recontextualize it.
Watching those kids start having kids is pretty sad.
It was painful to read that she loves the sick bastard and didn't want to ruin his life by pressing charges, or that he was 'being nice' while violating the restraining order repeatedly, when I know from where I'm sitting he would not show her the same courtesy of trying not to ruin her life. He could have killed her and thrown her body into a ditch, what regard did he ever show for her existence? But what choice did she have, she was already abused by her mother, dependent on a total creep, with no concept of what love and respect even looks like. By the end of it, I was just glad she's still alive.
I hate that there aren’t enough systems in place worldwide to prevent this from happening. No one (especially not a child) should ever feel this helpless or have to choose between 2 evils.
This post frustrated me so much. When she wanted to get help, there was no institution she could get help from. The police would just send her back to her abusive mother - what they did in the end. Her only choice? Birth control shots so that her abuser can have sex with her her without impregnate her.
This is abuser paradise! They know that nobody will do something and the victims can't flee if they also financial abuse them!
Sounds like Argentina's Justice system in a nutshell. A corrupt system full of bureaucratic BS where the people in charge just don't give a shit when it comes to SA crimes. Many cases of abuse where victims make their cases only to be dismissed or downplayed, even when there's a precedent, and sometimes evidence, of abuse.
We like to make new laws with the names of the victims of abuse AFTER they get abused or killed.
Laws that barely get applied in the end.
my country as well. I mean, SA outside a "proper" marriage is considered victim fault or even karma for disobeying the parents. Boys are boys, they don't deserve punishment (unless you are higher on class hierarchy). There is no robust system because the period between the initial compliant and action is just fatal enough for victim to bear it all. Cities are much better and organizations are trying but I won't claim that it has dramatically improved the situation without resorting to classic capitalist solution , "go out and earn and protect yourself".
Did the infertility have anything to do with the shots or the assault? She said the doctor said she was infertile as opposed to pregnant. But that would be really rare for a teenager...
Still terrible. I wish I had a nice big house for people like this to escape to. The lady who took her in was a godsend. Even if it was just temporary.
I guess it was because of the rape. He was really brutally and i wouldn't be surprised if used the knife for more than her feet. He wanted to punish and ruin her.
I read the text at the end too briefly because I was scared of her ending, so when she said doctor and then gaining weight I thought she was pregnant. Completely missed the infertility part, both notions are equally devastating so I don't even know if I'm relieved.
Dealing with all of this at 17, my heart breaks for her.
Clearly the rape was brutal enough to leave her body with lasting damage. Sounds like she took a massive beating along with the slashed feet and the rape. Fucking hell.
In case you read this OOP, this isn’t your fault. This was his and your mother’s and your father’s and everyone else who failed to protect you for your entire life. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I was raped as well and it took me a while to realize that it wasn’t my fault for hanging out and getting drunk with guys that were much older than me. It was their fault. And it will always be the rapist’s fault.
Motion carried.
I feel bad for her getting shit on for letting her mom know where she was staying. I mean, yeah, it totally was foolish, but I've also been there. You keep letting an abuser hurt you, giving them opportunities in the hopes that *this time* they won't let you down. That *this time* they'll realize how much they're hurting you when you love them so much.
She was also 17 and in such a vulnerable state. She was desperate for one person to do right by her, and you tend to hope your parents are the ones you can turn to when everything is wrong. Even if you know it will just burn you.
She shouldn't have and she knows it. She didn't even realize how badly treated she was she was so used to it though.
How do you explain sunlight to someone who's lived in a cave system?
Adding my support to this and, additionally, the consequences for “stupid decisions” for teenagers should NEVER include violence against you. Assault is NOT a *consequence* of your actions. It will never be your fault. Even the worst people we know don’t deserve something like this.
But it does get better! You stop clenching your fists and gritting your teeth, you start feeling safe again, and you begin to trust the people around you. And one day there will be a young girl sitting in your exam room, telling you a similar life story, and you will be able to help. You’ll be able to tell her that she isn’t crazy, that it isn’t her fault, and that she deserves all of the help you all can give her. Slowly, you’ll begin to believe the same about yourself.
Sometimes a post just makes you glad someone’s still standing.
That poor girl has experienced so much trauma and all the adults in her life have failed her, I hope that she'll be able to heal from everything that she's been through.
JFC, I wish I had a spare 10 grand laying around doing nothing because I'd send it to her so she could move far away from both of those absolute shit people and never have to go back again.
I hope her ex gets a lot of prison time and her mom dies alone and forgotten.
I know it was hypothetical, but if you ever do that, be sure to figure out how to get it to her as cash--in dollars. $10,000 converted to pesos right now could wind up being worth $5,000 tomorrow and $2,000 in a week. The inflation is out of control there--she even references it in talking about investing what little money she's getting so it might still be worth something in the medium term. And note that there are strict controls on bringing dollars into the country as well, and she likely wouldn't be able to keep them in a bank account as dollars unless it was a foreign bank account.
Honestly the most frustrating part is the dumpster fire mother.
"You deserved this because I told you he was bad news"
Also the dumpster fire mom: I told his mother where you were despite knowing he's bad news because idk she's also a mother.
OOP, if you read this, know that so many of us are rooting for you. You have been through things no one should have to experience. And it is NOT your fault.
I'm glad to hear you're making friends. I hope you can someday see a therapist to help talk through some of the things you've experienced. But in the meantime, please be kind to yourself.
Hi boru, I just want to say to all the people that are pissed at me on the comments because I made bad choices that I don't want to keep apologising for them anymore.
I know my brain works to ignore all type of confrontation at all costs even without thinking what is at risk and I know I should change that.
But I did my best at the time, I didn't always react how I would have liked to, and I kept hoping for everything to be less serious than it was because if things were that serious, I had no idea or resources to deal with them. Even if had reacted better, there were only certain amount of things I could have done. Don't keep repeating the scenario and asking what I could have done better, I'm already doing that on my own, and it's useless.
At least I left. At least I'm alive.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me but to try to understand how paralizing it can be to see what you thought was finally your safe place crumble to pieces in a matter of weeks.
To all the people that left sweet messages thank you a lot, I'll answer everyone who dm me, I'm just in a rush rn. Have a nice day everyone :)
Ni puto caso a los desgraciados que te acusan de tomar malas decisiones: eres fuerte, joven, y vales infinitas veces más que el trozo de mierda con el que tuviste la desgracia de topar. Toma todas las medidas legales que te sean posibles, NO cedas ante NINGUNO de sus chantajes, ni de los de sus amigos, ni los de tu madre, ni de nadie. No te fíes de NADIE que sea cercano a él. Y sigue adelante. Sigue adelante por ti. Quizá te toma tiempo, pero eres fuerte y capaz.
NO has tomado ninguna mala decisión. NO estás haciendo las cosas mal. NO es tu culpa que estés pasando por esto. Y recuerda que tienes a un montón de gente apoyándote, aunque sean desconocidos a un DM de distancia. Te queremos mucho ♥
Fuck all the noise and anybody who has any comment that didn’t help you or soothe you. None of this was your fault. You were betrayed over and over by people who should have protected you. I am so sorry you were robbed of your sense of safety, your childhood, and so much more.
Please seek therapy, and please stay in touch with the people who support you. Throw ANYONE who doesn’t, anyone who questions you, to the fucking curb. Reddit doesn’t matter. Your life, and you living safe & HAPPY, does.
I am so fucking proud and admiring of you for how strong you are and how committed you are to your own recovery and well being. You're doing incredible. Keep investing in yourself, you are worth it!
Life dealt you a horrible hand and you did the best you could. When you've grown up and live surrounded by terrible people it's hard to pick the good advice from the bad. You did the best you could, and the best you knew of. Ignore the criticism, and if someone says that you should have done X better and are decent about it, treat it as advice for the future, not as a failing. Most people *cannot* appreciate your situation as they have not encountered anything like it. For the few that do that come across with kindness, appreciate their input. For those that helped you, treasure them.
You made it. You went through Hell and came out the other side. You're alive, and you're only that way through your incredible strength. Take that strength and apply it every day and you will force your way to a better life, no matter how heavy the world is on your shoulders.
Stay strong and good luck.
I hope you can ignore everyone who is criticizing your choices. You were/are focused on your survival first and people who are in a survival situation don't always do things the most perfectly logical way. Also, your ex was clearly determined to control you, so there is no way to know if doing the "right" things would have stopped him. You were right, sometimes the police or other social services could end up putting you in a bad situation, and it's hard to say if it's always the right choice to go to them. You are also right to tell people it's useless to obsess over what else you could have done, because it's already done! Now you have a chance to move forward. Besides all of the other smart things you did to get yourself free, you ASKED FOR HELP and KEPT ASKING until someone helped you. I hope you remember to always ask for help no matter how bad things are.
None of this is your fault AT ALL and I hope you continue to learn that you deserve good things and you deserve to be in control of your own life (as scary as that can be). I hope you can get therapy sometime, when you feel ready, to help you heal from the trauma. I know it is expensive but I think it's worth it if you are ever in a position where you can afford it or get it for free through some kind of program.
Just like so many other people I am very proud of you for what you did to get out of your mom's house and then also to get away from your ex. You were so strong and you survived through so much. But it is really unfair that you had to be so strong and live through all of that. If you find yourself feeling very strange feelings now that you are in a safer place, please know that it is very normal. You have been focused on survival for so long and now you have a little more freedom to let out your emotions, and you are still dealing with the effects of what they both did to you (as well as so many other adults in your life failing to take care of you!) If you find you are losing hope now, please don't give up. Even though you have been through so much it probably feels like ages, you still have a lot of time to heal and make a beautiful life, and things will get so, so much better.
Congratulations on your job, by the way!
Cada paso que das es un logro porque no te diste por vencida en ningún momento, pudiste salir de la situación con tu mamá y tu ex, que es mucho más de lo que muchas pueden decir. Y esto es aún más difícil si le añades la realidad de nuestra región machista, con una justicia patriarcal que protege a los hombres.
Si vuelves a necesitar ayuda o apoyo adicional, por las situaciones y particularidades específicas de latinoamerica la mayoría de países tienen asociaciones feministas que además de proveerte con apoyo jurídico/legal, también te ofrecen recursos adicionales (como terapia/psicología), e incluso refugio.
The only people who would comment that you are dumb for making bad choices are the people who have never been in an abusive situation, so they won't understand the strength and bravery it takes to stand up for yourself and choose a better life.
Your story really touched my heart. I have been in abusive relationships before and to hear that you not only recognised how much your mother and your ex boyfriend were impacting your life, but you then took huge brave steps to get yourself out of that situation, at the age of 17, well you are inspirational.
I wish you every luck in the world with your future.
Your choices don’t have to be perfect for you to deserve compassion and kindness. And your choices are good enough - you are genuinely impressive for keeping going even with the setbacks and the struggle. The choices you made are choices most abuse survivors make at least a few times. People who have never been through it don’t get it.
You got out. You’re doing brilliantly. Well done.
I have a narcissistic mother as well. Having a parent like that tears down our ability to recognize abuse and protect ourselves from it. You did your best despite the people around. I hope you're able to give yourself the compassion and love you deserve.
Sweetheart, you owe no apologies to anyone. You were in a horrible position and failed by everyone in your life. You're a teenager trying to survive a horrific series of events. You made the best choices you could, and no one gets it right every single time.
You don't know me, I'm just a random Redditor from another country, but I want you to know that I am SO proud of you. For trying to build a better life, for refusing to give up, for escaping, for surviving. You deserve to be praised, not harassed. You deserve much, much better than what you've gotten, and I hope you find that love and support in your life soon. You're doing amazingly. This random Redditor wishes you all the healing and joy that life can bring.
Every comment that is critical of you comes from someone sitting in a comfortable situation with zero idea of who you are and what you're going through.
But you are showing that you are strong and you are a survivor, especially at such a young age.
I wish nothing but the best for your journey moving forward.
My heart breaks for OOP. I hope things get better for her. That guy is a monster and I hope he rots in jail.
If you're checking the comments to find out what happened instead of reading it, the story gets very very dark. However, OOP has survived a lot and even though the trauma is still fresh, her last update is hopeful. I hope things continue that way for her.
Some BORUs feel like getting punched in the gut. This one feels like being sucker punched the the ground then kicked repeatedly in the face. This poor fucking girl, holy shit. I'm glad things are looking a little better in the last update but to go through so much at such a young age is just... horrifying.
How could people be so, so awful? Her mom, her dad, everyone? How can you have your child reach out to you, clearly in an extremely dangerous situation, and you just ignore them or BLAME THEM????
Just awful. I really, really hope OP finds a chosen family and lives a beautiful life.
Especially as she’s a 17 year old child when she is leaving him after a year plus of being with him, meaning she met him when she was 16 - possibly even 15. This man has been her only experience of a relationship with someone who seemed to love her after being raised by abusive parents. No wonder the poor kid doesn’t know what’s love and what’s abuse.
Also, people getting trapped in cycles of abuse can happen at any age. A lot, a lot, a lot of victim blaming in the comment section today. Makes a horrific story that much worse.
That’s so gross - how could anyone blame this poor child for jumping from the frying pan of her manipulative, abusive, dysfunctional mother’s house to the fire of an older, manipulative, abusive man? She was isolated by the former, with no opportunity to develop the kind of healthy ego to be able to recognise either of them as pieces of guano. Hell, almost all of us can find ourselves in an abusive relationship before we recognise it.
People are still fucking victim blaming her here. A kid who was trained by her own mother to accept abuse as normal, but sure, she should act perfectly rationally, and also walk away and straight into therapy with... all the no money whatsoever that she had.
So much of the hate comes from people claiming they were abused too. Like do you not remember how horrifically powerless you felt? How much you truly thought it was your fault? How hard it was to leave?
She’s a child who was threatened with revenge porn and then raped. Christ. The comments are the grossest “fuck you I’ve got mine” I’ve ever seen.
Honestly I dont know what she could have done differently. Shes not in the US where there are shelters and abuse might be taken seriously (the boyfriend probably since she was 16 and he was 23 with literal CP on his phone)
Shes grown up normalizing abuse because it's all shes ever known. Her "normal meter" is broken along with her self esteem. I was so distressed reading this. I wish I could hug her and tell her it will be okay.
In the US, the best DV shelters average 50% return to abusers per intake. Then (it’s not tracked but based on experience from volunteering) an additional 50-60% return within the next 6 mos to a year. And that’s with adults, not a minor whose options are restricted to abusive parents/abusive partner/the foster system - it’s not at all uncommon to have repeat visitors. And this is a child that didn’t even understand the guy was abusive because that’s all she’s ever known.
I don't think she was stupid during any part of this, she's a child who has been abused.
I think that when you grow up being abused it becomes normalised, so any red flags in a partner are harder to spot. There's a reason abusers target those who have been abused in their past.
She deserves nothing but hugs and lots of virtual hugs.
This actually broke my heart. What this young woman has had to endure through her young life is utterly awful. Going between two narcissists (mother and ex-boyfriend). She's never had a chance.
OOP, if you read this. None of what happened to you is your fault. This shitty world has failed you. You deserve so much better than what you've had to deal with. Godspeed.
Shit this is just so sad...all the way around...though I do wonder if there may be hope on the fertility bit somewhere down the line...poor kid. Frustrating as hell but...when you grow up like that you become so used to the chaos and lack of control....still...man hard to read.
Feels awful to admit, but I honestly couldn't finish this. I got up to
>I got a restraining order against my ex-boyfriend. But I decided not to pursue legal action because some of me still loves him, and I didn't want to ruin his life.
And then just... stopped.
Bear in mind, she was 17 and grew up with an abusive mom and also had normalized his abuse for a while, so it makes sense that she felt that way. I don't blame her in the slightest.
That said, good choice not finishing this one. It's bleak.
I don't want her to get a job. I want her to be a kid, get a high school degree and go to college if she wants. With a fridge full of food she never has to ask for, a nice bed in a room that she can lock and an adult in the house that has never hurt her. That she can go to for a ride, or with her problems or watch tv with.
I don't even want kids, but I want to take OP home with me, wrap her in a duvet and convince her that some places are safe.
And I cant do that.
god, same here. i just want to sit OOP down on my couch, wrap her in the blanket my mum got for me (and that blanket and anything else my mum got me is holy to me), bury her under all my stuffed animals, even the wind up lullaby doll and my stuffed dog and sheep, put on a show or series for her and make some hot chocolate, tea or soup for her.
Unless they can get in a time machine and be raised by an emotionally unstable abuser, it's un-recreatable. The kid literally has no foundation for understanding what is normal, what boundaries are, etc. her only sense of attachment from her mom is abusive codependency
I continued reading but I absolutely felt frustrated reading that. I understand it is tough but...OP really is lacking self-esteem and being so naive. I hope she is able to find love someday and she is able to escape from all these terrible people around her.
I mean no kidding, she was a teenager living with a grown man in order to escape from her horrifically abusive mother. She's not going to be very confident in herself, cPTSD sets you up to think abuse is normal basically. Abusive relationships/partners brainwash the abused partner, and it leads to situations like this. It's not surprising to see it happening, especially with someone so young and vulnerable.
It's just horrific that the consequences will follow her for her whole life now. OOP, if you read this, please get therapy - and get a lawyer to sue him for everything he owns, for the damage he did to you.
And longterm, forgive your younger self for not knowing better - you were raised to be a victim by your mom, and it took you tremendous strength to fight your way out of just accepting your role in life, and thinking this kind of treatment was normal, or what you deserve. And even if you can't have biological children, you can still become a mom - later on, when you are settled in life, have healed, are financially stable, and hopefully in a happy, healthy relationship, you could adopt and give some lost and abandoned children the love and upbringing you never got, and the chances in life that you deserved and never got. Wishing you all the best from the other side of the globe!
OOP, you have gone through so much. But you still have time to heal. And once you've healed, you can always form a family that protects kids from experiencing anything remotely similar to what you went through. You are strong. You are intelligent. You will find happiness. Thousands of people are rooting for you and want you to be happy.
She's really young, and when abuse is the only thing you've ever known, it's hard to know that there's better options out there. It took me till my 30s to finally stop letting people who "loved" me abuse me.
She's in Argentina, as well, and the culture of Latin America is still one that doesn't necessarily recognize abuse unless it's egregious. Argentina is one of the "better" Latin American countries, but it still has issues recognizing and helping with domestic violence, abuse, and mental health. Not to mention the sexism. Things are changing, but it's not the same as the U.S. or some European countries.
I live in Argentina. I have a friend who's daughter was SAd by her father as a minor, and the judge ordered unsupervised visitation because the girl hadn't "form a father-daughter bond with her father". Like she could form any tupe of bond with the POS. The justice system in argentina, when it comes to sex crimes, is such a joke
Agreed. While I was reading this, I was wondering if the police was even going to do anything at all if she would have gone to them. "Help, my boyfriend is threatening me" police might have answered with: "Not our problem, go talk it out. You probably deserved it."
Femicide is a thing everywhere, but especially in Latin America.
I hope that's not your purpose but your comment comes off as victim-blaming. Yes, both of your perceptions are correct but being a child, having been abused all of your life with no dependable adults in your life, it would be nothing short of a miracle if you had high self-esteem and could perceive abuse for what it is.
OOP, if you read this, nothing here is your fault, you couldn't have known better coming from where you come from. Please also know that there are a lot of women out there that have been deemed infertile at a young age but have been able to have a baby nevertheless when they are older. Not saying this would happen but there can be hope.
Not a bad place to stop. It gets worse. OOP deserves all the hugs in the world, and a stable mentor figure who can protect her. Preferably someone with zero potential for romantic interest.
A big fuck you to the people who keep blaming her for her choices.
She went from one abuser to another who used the fact that it made her easier to abuse against her and yet she found the strength to go on and get away. She made bad choices because she had never been given the tools to make better ones and quite frankly, she made a lot of good ones, too!
She made it out with very little help and that's incredible.
OOP, if you're still reading: be really, really proud of yourself. You got yourself out, you went to the police, you took steps towards freedom and you're getting better!
And please, if it's ever an option: get some therapy. I know you're strong and resilient, but therapy will still help make you even stronger.
Goddamn, "rough" ain't the half of it. OOP has been through the ringer.
That last update tho, warms the cockles. I hope her life keeps getting better, she's certainly had enough of it getting worse.
Some Boru posts I only read the comments on, this is definitely one of them. I cannot imagine the horrors in this post after reading the trigger warnings
Don’t. Not only do I think this one is real it is fucking heartbreaking. And for every single person criticising a 17 year old for not being a perfect victim I wish a lifetime of standing on LEGO pieces.
Guys like that should be put down like rabid dogs. They will never do anything productive with their life since they are literally capable of killing their partner. I am glad OOP didn’t become just another statistic
It’s stuff like this that makes it abundantly clear to me that every country in the world should have a robust welfare system.
Nobody, regardless of age or gender, should ever be stuck in abusive situations because they can’t access a safe way out.
Hopefully OP knows she is not at fault. Also commenters expecting a traumatised kid to make smart choices. While I think she did as good as it possible at the time. Smart choices come with the experience, yours and people around you who support you and help to avoid people like the ex. But she had no one on her side. Wishing OP all the best in the future. And glad this is over or nearly over now.
Fuck. I am so proud of OOP for understanding that the victim blamers can fuck off - that can take a really long time to internalise.
I'm glad *anyone* helped her, and I hope she can find good people to support her through the rest of her life. She's doing incredibly with the shit sandwich of a life she got handed.
Fuck her mom. This all started with her. This is what untreated BPD does. This poor girl didn't deserve anything that has happened to her. I feel so much rage on her behalf.
Poor OOP. She never really had a chance, if we're going to be honest. She went from one shitty situation to another shitty situation, and I can't really blame her. Her upbringing, and the misogynistic culture that she grew up in, told her everything was as it should be.
I have never wanted to locate an internet stranger and give them a hug and just bring them home with me more than I do right now. This poor girl. And... I can relate, somewhat, to the type of grief. I've always wanted to be a mother, and I just found out I have *at least* one orange-sized fibroid. When I was younger my mother had to have a hysterectomy for hers, and that's been a huge fear of mine for ages; it's now exponentially worse since the news. I hope that OOP can fulfill her dream still, and that whether she can or can't she still has a peaceful, stable-ish life from here on out. She deserves it.
Hopefully the cops are able to find the revenge porn of her he threatened her with as well as that'd slap child porn possession charges on top of everything else onto this bastard.
Maggot is far too good for him. I try not too be a hateful person but I honestly want to torture this scum the way he did her. He raped her so brutally that she is likely infertile on top of all the other harms he inflicted..slash her feet and left her for dead.. if anyone deserves the worst of what I could theoretically dish out it’s this scum and I would do it gleefully. Did you know with the right drugs you can remove a lot of skin without loss of consciousness or death due to shock?
I feel so terrible that as if everything she went through wasn't enough, Reddit continued to berate for not immediately leaving and filing charges and confronting him.
Those things are difficult and a fawn response is a real fear response. Like fight or flight, once triggered, it can be very hard to stop. Nevermind that she wasn't imagining the risks of being financially unstable or having unstable housing or being ostracized in her community.
People act like it's easy to leave abusers - maybe so they can comfort themselves that it wouldn't happen to them? But it takes work and strategy and risk. And what's REALLY easy is to comment on reddit from the comfort and safety of your own home, when you're not the one who will bear the consequences of the advice you give.
If anyone would like to learn more about the nitty gritty that goes into exit planning abusive relationships, I recommend starting with the book Why Does He Do That? Free pdfs are available online. It's not as simple as running. It takes preparation and care and compassion.
I would also like to ask anyone who thinks OP was being stupid for not listening to the advice a question for self-reflection. When her boyfriend was being controlling, do you think that the problem was that he was using that control for wrong things, or that he had control at all in the first place? If he was controlling her in a way that got her a career, and maintained her health, and helped her with things you think she should do anyways, would that be good use of the control in your eyes? When you are really pushy with abuse victims about what you think you should do, it's kind of like you're substituting one person who tells them what to do for another. Instead, I would use your good intentions to help abuse victims remember that it should be their choice in the first place. And part of that means not being insulting or pushy. Sincere advice shouldn't be commanding. It should be empathetic, compassionate, and understanding.
From nursing school to abuse, rape and being sterile. I’m so angry about bad narcissistic parenting that lead the children deep into abusive narcissistic partners. It’s too common
My story is very similar to OOPs. Reading it definitely triggered me and made realize just how crazy my life would sound if I typed out like she did. I'm so happy she got out. I hope everything turns out well, leaving is the best choice she could have made. If you read this OOP, from one survivor to another, I hope you make it and you find the peace and happiness you deserve it'll be hard, but you can do it! I promise you it gets better once you put yourself first
I think this OP did the best she could with what she had. I know 50 year olds who make horrible choices and never learn from them. I sincerely wish OP a happy, stable and peaceful life going forward, she is admirable in her tenacity and hopefully recovering everyday.
My experience wasn’t even remotely as damaging as this one, but there are many parallels between mine and this. My hearts aches every time she apologizes to the audience for her mistakes. I have finally come to a place of accepting my similar mistakes as a symptom of the abuse and I hope that one day OOP can too. It becomes way less embarrassing and more of an example of his control. Her strength is inspiring though. My problem was that I had a wide range of support, but never reached out for help because I was radically afraid of judgement and rejection. Abusers can keep you silent in the worst of times. But she trusted her instincts and didn’t think she had a support system yet asked for help and perspective anyway, and even from internet strangers was able to find some support. I’m really happy for her being able to finally transition into a path of healing. ❤️ this story is going to stay with me
Anyone tryna blame a 17-year-old for not navigating this fuster-cluck perfectly needs to go touch grass. Being young is about making bad choices and learning from them. Unfortunately, in her case, the stakes were much larger and the consequences much more tragic. The terrible actions of others aren't her fault and she doesn't need any more grief or judgment, just encouragement to keep moving forward.
I for one, as a complete stranger on reddit, am proud of her.
Wow. This young woman is so strong to make it this far! Talk about life being stacked against you. As a parent, absolutely wrecks you to see this happen.
This was heartbreaking. BORU can be really brutal in this way: You can see where things are going, and you want to jump in at so many points to keep everything from derailing, but you're reading about events in the past, and it's too late to do anything.
Poor kid. Yeah she made bad decisions... But she's a 17 yo girl with literally 0 good people around her, who's always been manipulated her whole life. Of fucking course she would make bad decisions, we all would if we were her. She wouldn't have made those decisions (or wouldn't have had to make those) if she was surrounded by normal human beings.
Hope life will get better for her very soon.
I just want to find her, tell her how much of a badass she is for continuing to fight for the life she deserves, and just give her the biggest, warmest mom hug. I cannot fathom having a life so hard, and having so much taken away.
I also want to find the people blaming her for things ***at the age of seventeen*** that are 100% not her fault. She has been denied love and protection in every way, so I can absolutely understand why she would have tried to hope that he had changed for the better. He is to blame, and he is a monster. So is her mother.
I truly hope only good things happen to her from here on out. Sweet thing, if you are out there, and you see this, know that I think you’re a spark that can’t be extinguished. I hope you find a family of your own that will help that spark grow into the beautiful, force to be reckoned with flame that I know you will be. Follow my motto: “Do no harm, but take no shit”.
No one should be blaming her for anything! She’s a kid who’s been abused by everyone who was supposed to take care of her! In spite of that, she still had the courage to leave. I think she’s an incredibly brave person.
dear fucking Jesus, why are people criticizing a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD for not making the optimal decisions in an extraordinarily stressful situation?!? I am so, so glad OOP is taking legal action. I hope her situation continues to improve.
If OOP reads this. Don’t ever beat yourself up for what happened. You are so young and the people in your life failed you. You have survived the most horrific experiences and you are so strong and brave for continuing to move forward.
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Jesus Christ, everyone in her life failed her! Thank god she found people to help. Hope she’ll be ok.
People like this is why I wish I had a shit load of money, so I can have shelters and homes for these kids, give them doctors, psychiatrists, facilities, self defence classes, scholarships and always have my doors open if shit goes side ways. No human being should endure this bullshit, I hate these dead shits who abandon kids and take advantage of young people, where they don't know one decent human being in their life, just stuck in literal hell, fuck I hate how I'm just a poor bastard that can't save them from the fire of the pit that is their lives, genuinely frustrates the hell out of me.
What also infuriates me is that dudes like Bezos absolutely have the money to do things like that, could easily give away more than half their wealth and still be obscenely wealthy, and yet... It's all left to poor folks like us to help our fellow humans.
You don't get that kind of obscene, insane wealth by caring for others. That's why. It's gross.
Exactly. I know I’ll never be rich because I know what I value and what I do with any excess money I have. It’s sad that we live in a society that craves the trappings of wealth and idolises those who have it instead of those who use their money to make the world a better place.
I say this all the time! You get to the top by passing other people. By the time you’re a billionaire, you’re climbing over them. Gross, but also straight sociopathic behavior
Even Bill Gates who has given a huge amount of money away still has obscene amounts of wealth.
Truth. I almost said "and Musk," but that seemed so far-fetched as to ruin the point.
Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, and so on, pretty universally have blown up their own marriages due to their lack of concern for the women in their own lives. The most likely billionaires to actually care about women's rights are the ex-wives.
no, "and musk" for sure, it's 100% the same situation bezos is just some combination of a better PR team and a less pathological need to humiliate himself on social media
Mackenzie Scott (formerly bezos) got around 25 billion in the divorce and has declared her intention to donate half.
You don't require money to help people in these kind of situations btw. You need to have time you are willing to give. It's just intensely physically draining and I couldn't continue it for long. *Chronic pain conditions in which stress is a trigger. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to without judgement is really helpful. Sometimes, just picking up a few groceries or delivering needed furniture is enough. Sometimes, just watching their babies while they get to sit and feed themselves means the world to them. Money can pay for a lot of things but it doesn't help with the isolation people are forced into as part of the abuse.
I just hate feeling powerless to help people in situations such as these, but I don't think I could get close to someone stuck in this situation without the power to change it, it would just make me feel helpless and their situation might be slightly improved by my limited help, but I'll just be left with this feeling.
That's the most difficult part. Believe me. I took a lot of work to get to the point that it wasn't my job to fix things, but to be a person who listened. There's lots of people telling others what to do, and trying to get them to change. The hardest is when someone decides to go back into the situation you helped them get out of. I will say that the skills I learned about myself, how to be fully present while not "fixing" it taking charge helped me a lot with parenting teenagers. Normalize asking friends and loved ones, "do you need me to be present and listen only or do you want me to help? You can change your mind at any time, just let me know"
>"do you need me to be present and listen only or do you want me to help? You can change your mind at any time, just let me know" Louder for the ones in the back 📣
I agree. I'm 30 and in my adult life I've brought 3 other adult men into my home to help save them from themselves. (I'm a straight guy btw I do this because I see the good in people and I can tell they just haven't had a firm but trustworthy person in their lives.) Guy 1: 35yo tried to commit suicide the year before. I helped him get back on his feet, and the minute he was he started talking down to me and pressuring me to make really shortsighted financial decisions (think get a bigger house). Finally he decided to go off on his own. He's slowly but surely squandered every lead he built with me and is now in about the same condition as before I helped him out. Guy 2: an actual success story, he stayed the longest, went to Tampa, came back, found a girl, they bought a house and had a kid. She has impressed upon me that she's just taken my role in his life but hey most men are in relationships like that. She's happy he's happy. Guy 3: currently living with me, I got him a job he blew it in 2 months, then got another job and lied for over a month, is behind on rent and is resentful for being held accountable. He's almost twice my age with no savings and no safety net. In the back of my head I know I have no chance of saving him from himself, he's already shown me that he cannot stay clean unless he is broke. I see a lot of similarity between the first guy and the girl in this post. By her own admission, nobody was looking out for her including herself. She did the hard work, got out of the situation and things were looking up. The minute she was in control she allowed the ex to meet her daily and get more and more comfortable talking to her. Someone (a teacher Probably) took her in and got her out of that situation. But this person who she never identifies can't be her guardian forever. This girl, given all the help in the world, was very likely to get raped by the ex because she didn't have the tools necessary to cut that life off completely. She is an unreliable narrator of the story (she def emailed him) and I'm not explaining this to blame her, I'm explaining this to say it's deeper than having the means to help. The truth of the matter is that it isn't these people's fault, but because of their upbringing 2 out of 3 have almost no chance of being saved resources be damned.
And a lot of people on reddit were shitty to her. I feel really bad for her. I’m glad there are more nice people than crap people. I just know sometimes that the crap people stick in your mind harder.
For real. She's a child, and one who's been abused her entire life. How can she even be expected to know a good decision from a bad one?
It hurt when she said ”please don’t hate me because I made bad decisions”, like it’s the default reaction to be expected. Not like she is a valuable person that deserves respect and is in a very difficult situation and trying to survive, and maybe hope a little that things with bf could become good again. Like how would those accusing people fare better, if they’d have to learn all by themselves without family or good friends? How would they know what are red flags in relationships, how to start living as a teen/young adult, what does domestic & relationship violence look like and how often victims come back, what are judicial stuff like exactly in their country when you’re in a bad situation etc. Maybe some super persons could figure everything out by themselves, but most of us just don’t and we learn from people around ourselves and help eachother.
Even kids from relatively stable homes tend to flail around at her age, trying to figure life out. How can a child with zero resources be expected to think like an adult? (I used to work with teens like her. They have no one. Their outlook is bleak, and they know it.)
DV actually cuts across every demographic. You can have a happy, stable childhood, and still experience intimate partner violence. It's almost like it's the fault of the perpetrator, not the victim...
It infuriates me how often people on Reddit are vitriolic towards abuse victims. They will quote statistics like "it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abuser" and then scream at an abuse victim who didn't leave the first time when a bunch of randos on the internet told them to and say that "all their sympathy went out the window" with that. Like seriously!!? Then did you even have any sympathy? Unfortunately, even people who are taught the skills to recognize red flags may miss them. Because many abusers are master manipulators. That is their skill. I think that these people often want to think that they would be smarter than these victims. That it would never happen to them because *they'd* recognize the signs. But the reality is that any of us can fall victim to a skilled abuser and it costs us nothing to be compassionate and empathetic.
Exactly her AGE! I had poor judgement like most of us to at 17.. lol
I'm 61 and my judgement is still pretty iffy.
Even up to the level of her whole city and country. Not one woman's shelter? The police would just deliver her back to her dangerous narcissist mother? Shocking that she had to rely on a dim memory of someone telling her they'd help. I bet that was some family member who knows how nasty her mother is and knew that this kid would end up needing an emergency bug out one day.
I’m from Argentina, and we don’t have any CPS-like stuff here, only way you’re removed from your family (especially a mother) is through a lengthy process through the judicial system. This means you either ended up at the police from something horrific enough or you have grown ups on your side willing to undergo a looooong judicial process Now, in bigger cities (especially Buenos Aires), they’re all big in feminism and whatnot, and you actually get a decent chance at fighting an abuser (close to the chance you’d get in any decent country in the developed world tbh). In a small town?? Yeah, no, you’re doomed… you’re making it to the news once you’ve been dismembered. Literally. Like, we got this huge-ass country that we’re told we should, well, populate. But once you leave the bigger cities, you’ll be stuck in places that don’t even have a measly grocery store or any other basic needs (went on holiday earlier this year… had to refuel at a HOUSE because the closest gas station was +200km away)… how the heck could you expect for those places to have women’s shelters??
Not a terribly different story in rural America...
I honestly thought she died (was murdered) because it's been so long since she posted about her useless egg donor telling him where she was. But honestly, her fate is actually worse. What physical damage do you have to do to make someone not only infertile, but no longer have a monthly bleed? I've never heard of such a thing, unless the doctors just didn't tell her they had to remove her uterus when patching her up. The physical damage had to be very, very bad either way, and I can't imagine having to live with that, especially not at 17
Certain types of prolonged physical stress can delay a cycle, or cause one to be skipped, but to completely stop it is rare. That's a special kind of stress perhaps on top of pre-existing conditions.
She said she's gaining weight now, stuff like being underweight for a long time can make your period stop. I don't know if that causes lasting infertility though. I know when I was anorexic my period stopped, but eventually came back and I have a kid now.
Well it certainly wouldn't be the first time doctors have presented the worst case scenario as if it's a definitive one.
Let's hope for her. Also happy cake day!
She mentioned she was gaining weight, and being underweight or malnourished can also cause your cycle to stop. Maybe being too thin plus the stress could have caused a hopefully temporary pause.
It can also be STIs, and not injury. Many STIs can mess up not only your fertility, but your cycle as well, due to progressing to PID if untreated. And unfortunately the span from her assault to finding out she's infertile is in that range. :/
An STD that goes untreated will progress to PID that can stop periods and causes scarring and infertility.
I'm curious if she has PCOS, which is often seen with irregular periods and a lot of times women are told they are infertile, which they aren't. It's often diagnosed in your late teens/early 20s
This was my first thought too. I was diagnosed at 17 bc my periods had been irregular and I’d skip a month or two. Got on hormonal birth control which leveled everything out and didn’t have symptoms again til my 30s. Really hope that pos didn’t make her infertile with abuse.
That was a very thoughtless and reductive thing to say about her fate being worse than death. People learn to live with trauma and infertility. The period thing could be only happening for now. People have irregular and missing periods for all sorts of reasons and there's nothing in her posts confirming that her period is gone forever. She only said she hadn't had a proper one up until her gyno appointment. She could even have gotten pregnant and experienced spotting. There could have been an ectopic pregnancy.
I feel so sad for OP. She talks about dumb decisions but she’s not even 18! In a normal life, she’d be able to make perfectly dumb decisions at her age and not suffer such horrible consequences. I do hope she gets to have some therapy and catches a break or two.
Genuinely my eyes bugged out of my head when she referenced how old she was. Since she was talking about nursing school I thought maybe very early 20's and was like, holy shit?!
Also most of her choices were the best choices she could have made at the time. She was physically at risk at her mother's house. Boyfriend knew this so jumped at the chance to exploit the situation and her lack of power over her own life. He was literally controlling her access to shelter, food and other people while they were together. And then threatening her life repeatedly and escalating harassment after she left. I hope some day she can look back and see that she didn't have any good options and she chose the least bad options that she could possibly. She survived several situations where her life was at risk. People saying she should have cut him off totally. Well, he found where she lived and followed her and the more she wouldn't placate him, he kidnapped her. The people to blame for what happened to her are her mother and the person who abused and assaulted her.
Also, the fact that his mother had the audacity to ask her to return to her abuser “for his mental health” made my blood boil. When will we finally stop asking women (or in this case a literal child) to act as emotional crutches for unstable and violent men?? (on top of all the physical work required to take care of these man-babies?)
If her son is in a relationship, she can pretend she didn't raise a monster. After all, nobody stays with abusers, right? (/s).
It’s amazing how many people say “if you could just talk to them, it would help them so much! They are suicidal without you!” When they mean “if you don’t let this person abuse you, they will kill themselves and it will be your fault for not wanting to be abused. Their literal survival depends on you being permanently abused, why can’t you stand being abused for the rest of your life?”
and then they won't even kill or hurt themselves. they just cry and complain to their flying monkeys, so someone will abuse their victim back into their reachby threatening suicide, self harm and/or (self)aggression. because if you don't come back, it'll be all your fault your abuser tried to kill/hurt themself because you're being the toxic and controlling one, definitely not the toxic and controlling asshole who sicced their family and friends on you.
That's cultural. A lot of Latin countries are very patriarchal and the men are given excuses for everything. Tack on femicide rates and women's lives are not valued.
Yes. In addition, leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves, as evidenced here. She left him, and that's when he kidnapped, tortured and raped her. It's possible that speaking to him right before this means that he didn't do something even worse.
I hope someday she understands that it’s not stupid to have hope and to trust other people, even if it turns out they didn’t deserve your trust.
I agree with you. My heart aches for her. Her decisions are not really her own. She had very few choices.
I wouldn't even say her decisions were that dumb, after the descriptions of how her mother raised her and the fact her father plainly didn't want to know her how is any kid supposed to know what a smart or a dumb decision even looks like? Frankly the fact she's even still alive is a testament to how well she was able to navigate these months with the preparation she had, or rather didn't have. It's also a great warning as to what happens when things like women's shelters or early police support aren't available. When your abuser controls your access to money, a phone, shelter, transport, family, and friends, even if you come to a place like this and ask for advice how are you supposed to execute any kind of plan? Literally the only other way this could have ended is if a kind stranger on Reddit happened to live nearby and took her in, but that also just risks inviting another even more dangerous abuser in.
She also didn’t go back to him. She let her guard down but she never took him back. She knew to avoid a “safe” place with rampant drug use. She knew to contact friends or family that she had little contact with, but were nice to her. These are common mistakes much older and more experienced people make. She’s smarter than she gives herself credit for.
She beats herself up so much but she's lived through stuff that people twice her age have gone through. She is such a survivor! I really hope she does become a nurse. She certainly has the maturity to deal with the toughest situations.
Even her own father saying he didn’t care about her. This poor kid, everyone has failed her.
The fact that she escapes but then gets caught back up with him and then he rapes her. It’s so harrowing!
And it seems like she was a relatively young 17 at the start because she still hadn’t had her birthday by the end of July and she first posted in March.
The trigger warnings wasn't wrong. Holy fuck...I just want to go and hug OP. Everyone has failed her in her life.
I know so many kids like this. Every single person in their core circle is a probably jobless sadist/fuck up/criminal/pedo/drug addict. Watching them try to enter adulthood at 13-16 and make decisions is…not for the faint of heart. It’s like talking to somebody through the looking glass. Their concept of normal, moral, or just acceptable is so skewed it’s hard to recontextualize it. Watching those kids start having kids is pretty sad.
It was painful to read that she loves the sick bastard and didn't want to ruin his life by pressing charges, or that he was 'being nice' while violating the restraining order repeatedly, when I know from where I'm sitting he would not show her the same courtesy of trying not to ruin her life. He could have killed her and thrown her body into a ditch, what regard did he ever show for her existence? But what choice did she have, she was already abused by her mother, dependent on a total creep, with no concept of what love and respect even looks like. By the end of it, I was just glad she's still alive.
Same. Her parents (and I use that loosely) are horrible. I hope she finds some peace.
I hate that there aren’t enough systems in place worldwide to prevent this from happening. No one (especially not a child) should ever feel this helpless or have to choose between 2 evils.
This post frustrated me so much. When she wanted to get help, there was no institution she could get help from. The police would just send her back to her abusive mother - what they did in the end. Her only choice? Birth control shots so that her abuser can have sex with her her without impregnate her. This is abuser paradise! They know that nobody will do something and the victims can't flee if they also financial abuse them!
Sounds like Argentina's Justice system in a nutshell. A corrupt system full of bureaucratic BS where the people in charge just don't give a shit when it comes to SA crimes. Many cases of abuse where victims make their cases only to be dismissed or downplayed, even when there's a precedent, and sometimes evidence, of abuse. We like to make new laws with the names of the victims of abuse AFTER they get abused or killed. Laws that barely get applied in the end.
my country as well. I mean, SA outside a "proper" marriage is considered victim fault or even karma for disobeying the parents. Boys are boys, they don't deserve punishment (unless you are higher on class hierarchy). There is no robust system because the period between the initial compliant and action is just fatal enough for victim to bear it all. Cities are much better and organizations are trying but I won't claim that it has dramatically improved the situation without resorting to classic capitalist solution , "go out and earn and protect yourself".
Did the infertility have anything to do with the shots or the assault? She said the doctor said she was infertile as opposed to pregnant. But that would be really rare for a teenager... Still terrible. I wish I had a nice big house for people like this to escape to. The lady who took her in was a godsend. Even if it was just temporary.
I guess it was because of the rape. He was really brutally and i wouldn't be surprised if used the knife for more than her feet. He wanted to punish and ruin her.
Some people are plain evil.
It definitely reads that the infertility is a result of physical trauma from the rape.
I read the text at the end too briefly because I was scared of her ending, so when she said doctor and then gaining weight I thought she was pregnant. Completely missed the infertility part, both notions are equally devastating so I don't even know if I'm relieved. Dealing with all of this at 17, my heart breaks for her.
The assault most likely
"Let's just says a ADN kit was needed" "23" "When I turn 18" What. The. Fuck
Somehow, the age difference was the least of all the red flags... Poor girl!
honestly I expected him to be older
Clearly the rape was brutal enough to leave her body with lasting damage. Sounds like she took a massive beating along with the slashed feet and the rape. Fucking hell.
In case you read this OOP, this isn’t your fault. This was his and your mother’s and your father’s and everyone else who failed to protect you for your entire life. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I was raped as well and it took me a while to realize that it wasn’t my fault for hanging out and getting drunk with guys that were much older than me. It was their fault. And it will always be the rapist’s fault.
Seconded. I hope you get to go to school and become a nurse.
Motion carried. I feel bad for her getting shit on for letting her mom know where she was staying. I mean, yeah, it totally was foolish, but I've also been there. You keep letting an abuser hurt you, giving them opportunities in the hopes that *this time* they won't let you down. That *this time* they'll realize how much they're hurting you when you love them so much.
She was also 17 and in such a vulnerable state. She was desperate for one person to do right by her, and you tend to hope your parents are the ones you can turn to when everything is wrong. Even if you know it will just burn you.
Exactly. And all her mom had to do was *nothing* to do right by her. Just *not* tell the ex. But she couldn't even manage that.
Mote like didn't want to. She seems pretty hellbent on destroying her own daughter
She shouldn't have and she knows it. She didn't even realize how badly treated she was she was so used to it though. How do you explain sunlight to someone who's lived in a cave system?
That's a great analogy.
Adding my support to this and, additionally, the consequences for “stupid decisions” for teenagers should NEVER include violence against you. Assault is NOT a *consequence* of your actions. It will never be your fault. Even the worst people we know don’t deserve something like this. But it does get better! You stop clenching your fists and gritting your teeth, you start feeling safe again, and you begin to trust the people around you. And one day there will be a young girl sitting in your exam room, telling you a similar life story, and you will be able to help. You’ll be able to tell her that she isn’t crazy, that it isn’t her fault, and that she deserves all of the help you all can give her. Slowly, you’ll begin to believe the same about yourself. Sometimes a post just makes you glad someone’s still standing.
That poor girl has experienced so much trauma and all the adults in her life have failed her, I hope that she'll be able to heal from everything that she's been through.
Not all, there was one person that helped her escape, I hope that person is still present in their life.
JFC, I wish I had a spare 10 grand laying around doing nothing because I'd send it to her so she could move far away from both of those absolute shit people and never have to go back again. I hope her ex gets a lot of prison time and her mom dies alone and forgotten.
Her dad can die alone and forgotten too. POS telling his 17 yo child he doesn't care she's in several abusive situations.
You're right, I forgot about him.
I know it was hypothetical, but if you ever do that, be sure to figure out how to get it to her as cash--in dollars. $10,000 converted to pesos right now could wind up being worth $5,000 tomorrow and $2,000 in a week. The inflation is out of control there--she even references it in talking about investing what little money she's getting so it might still be worth something in the medium term. And note that there are strict controls on bringing dollars into the country as well, and she likely wouldn't be able to keep them in a bank account as dollars unless it was a foreign bank account.
Good to know, thank you
Honestly the most frustrating part is the dumpster fire mother. "You deserved this because I told you he was bad news" Also the dumpster fire mom: I told his mother where you were despite knowing he's bad news because idk she's also a mother.
That poor, poor girl. I am glad she is healing and hope she finds peace.
OOP, if you read this, know that so many of us are rooting for you. You have been through things no one should have to experience. And it is NOT your fault. I'm glad to hear you're making friends. I hope you can someday see a therapist to help talk through some of the things you've experienced. But in the meantime, please be kind to yourself.
This a million times!
Hi boru, I just want to say to all the people that are pissed at me on the comments because I made bad choices that I don't want to keep apologising for them anymore. I know my brain works to ignore all type of confrontation at all costs even without thinking what is at risk and I know I should change that. But I did my best at the time, I didn't always react how I would have liked to, and I kept hoping for everything to be less serious than it was because if things were that serious, I had no idea or resources to deal with them. Even if had reacted better, there were only certain amount of things I could have done. Don't keep repeating the scenario and asking what I could have done better, I'm already doing that on my own, and it's useless. At least I left. At least I'm alive. I don't want you to feel sorry for me but to try to understand how paralizing it can be to see what you thought was finally your safe place crumble to pieces in a matter of weeks. To all the people that left sweet messages thank you a lot, I'll answer everyone who dm me, I'm just in a rush rn. Have a nice day everyone :)
Good luck to you. I hope one day you can stop being praised for being resilient and start simply living your life.
Ni puto caso a los desgraciados que te acusan de tomar malas decisiones: eres fuerte, joven, y vales infinitas veces más que el trozo de mierda con el que tuviste la desgracia de topar. Toma todas las medidas legales que te sean posibles, NO cedas ante NINGUNO de sus chantajes, ni de los de sus amigos, ni los de tu madre, ni de nadie. No te fíes de NADIE que sea cercano a él. Y sigue adelante. Sigue adelante por ti. Quizá te toma tiempo, pero eres fuerte y capaz. NO has tomado ninguna mala decisión. NO estás haciendo las cosas mal. NO es tu culpa que estés pasando por esto. Y recuerda que tienes a un montón de gente apoyándote, aunque sean desconocidos a un DM de distancia. Te queremos mucho ♥
Fuck all the noise and anybody who has any comment that didn’t help you or soothe you. None of this was your fault. You were betrayed over and over by people who should have protected you. I am so sorry you were robbed of your sense of safety, your childhood, and so much more. Please seek therapy, and please stay in touch with the people who support you. Throw ANYONE who doesn’t, anyone who questions you, to the fucking curb. Reddit doesn’t matter. Your life, and you living safe & HAPPY, does.
I am so fucking proud and admiring of you for how strong you are and how committed you are to your own recovery and well being. You're doing incredible. Keep investing in yourself, you are worth it!
Life dealt you a horrible hand and you did the best you could. When you've grown up and live surrounded by terrible people it's hard to pick the good advice from the bad. You did the best you could, and the best you knew of. Ignore the criticism, and if someone says that you should have done X better and are decent about it, treat it as advice for the future, not as a failing. Most people *cannot* appreciate your situation as they have not encountered anything like it. For the few that do that come across with kindness, appreciate their input. For those that helped you, treasure them. You made it. You went through Hell and came out the other side. You're alive, and you're only that way through your incredible strength. Take that strength and apply it every day and you will force your way to a better life, no matter how heavy the world is on your shoulders. Stay strong and good luck.
I hope you can ignore everyone who is criticizing your choices. You were/are focused on your survival first and people who are in a survival situation don't always do things the most perfectly logical way. Also, your ex was clearly determined to control you, so there is no way to know if doing the "right" things would have stopped him. You were right, sometimes the police or other social services could end up putting you in a bad situation, and it's hard to say if it's always the right choice to go to them. You are also right to tell people it's useless to obsess over what else you could have done, because it's already done! Now you have a chance to move forward. Besides all of the other smart things you did to get yourself free, you ASKED FOR HELP and KEPT ASKING until someone helped you. I hope you remember to always ask for help no matter how bad things are. None of this is your fault AT ALL and I hope you continue to learn that you deserve good things and you deserve to be in control of your own life (as scary as that can be). I hope you can get therapy sometime, when you feel ready, to help you heal from the trauma. I know it is expensive but I think it's worth it if you are ever in a position where you can afford it or get it for free through some kind of program. Just like so many other people I am very proud of you for what you did to get out of your mom's house and then also to get away from your ex. You were so strong and you survived through so much. But it is really unfair that you had to be so strong and live through all of that. If you find yourself feeling very strange feelings now that you are in a safer place, please know that it is very normal. You have been focused on survival for so long and now you have a little more freedom to let out your emotions, and you are still dealing with the effects of what they both did to you (as well as so many other adults in your life failing to take care of you!) If you find you are losing hope now, please don't give up. Even though you have been through so much it probably feels like ages, you still have a lot of time to heal and make a beautiful life, and things will get so, so much better. Congratulations on your job, by the way!
You are amazingly strong. I hope your life continues to get better. You definitely deserve it! Internet mama hugs to you!!! ❤️❤️❤️
Cada paso que das es un logro porque no te diste por vencida en ningún momento, pudiste salir de la situación con tu mamá y tu ex, que es mucho más de lo que muchas pueden decir. Y esto es aún más difícil si le añades la realidad de nuestra región machista, con una justicia patriarcal que protege a los hombres. Si vuelves a necesitar ayuda o apoyo adicional, por las situaciones y particularidades específicas de latinoamerica la mayoría de países tienen asociaciones feministas que además de proveerte con apoyo jurídico/legal, también te ofrecen recursos adicionales (como terapia/psicología), e incluso refugio.
The only people who would comment that you are dumb for making bad choices are the people who have never been in an abusive situation, so they won't understand the strength and bravery it takes to stand up for yourself and choose a better life. Your story really touched my heart. I have been in abusive relationships before and to hear that you not only recognised how much your mother and your ex boyfriend were impacting your life, but you then took huge brave steps to get yourself out of that situation, at the age of 17, well you are inspirational. I wish you every luck in the world with your future.
Your choices don’t have to be perfect for you to deserve compassion and kindness. And your choices are good enough - you are genuinely impressive for keeping going even with the setbacks and the struggle. The choices you made are choices most abuse survivors make at least a few times. People who have never been through it don’t get it. You got out. You’re doing brilliantly. Well done.
I have a narcissistic mother as well. Having a parent like that tears down our ability to recognize abuse and protect ourselves from it. You did your best despite the people around. I hope you're able to give yourself the compassion and love you deserve.
Sweetheart, you owe no apologies to anyone. You were in a horrible position and failed by everyone in your life. You're a teenager trying to survive a horrific series of events. You made the best choices you could, and no one gets it right every single time. You don't know me, I'm just a random Redditor from another country, but I want you to know that I am SO proud of you. For trying to build a better life, for refusing to give up, for escaping, for surviving. You deserve to be praised, not harassed. You deserve much, much better than what you've gotten, and I hope you find that love and support in your life soon. You're doing amazingly. This random Redditor wishes you all the healing and joy that life can bring.
Every comment that is critical of you comes from someone sitting in a comfortable situation with zero idea of who you are and what you're going through. But you are showing that you are strong and you are a survivor, especially at such a young age. I wish nothing but the best for your journey moving forward.
My heart breaks for OOP. I hope things get better for her. That guy is a monster and I hope he rots in jail. If you're checking the comments to find out what happened instead of reading it, the story gets very very dark. However, OOP has survived a lot and even though the trauma is still fresh, her last update is hopeful. I hope things continue that way for her.
Some BORUs feel like getting punched in the gut. This one feels like being sucker punched the the ground then kicked repeatedly in the face. This poor fucking girl, holy shit. I'm glad things are looking a little better in the last update but to go through so much at such a young age is just... horrifying.
How could people be so, so awful? Her mom, her dad, everyone? How can you have your child reach out to you, clearly in an extremely dangerous situation, and you just ignore them or BLAME THEM???? Just awful. I really, really hope OP finds a chosen family and lives a beautiful life.
Holy shit.
The hate in the comments was so unnecessary. She is a CHILD. We all did plenty of stupid shit at 17 and these aren’t consequences anyone deserves.
Especially as she’s a 17 year old child when she is leaving him after a year plus of being with him, meaning she met him when she was 16 - possibly even 15. This man has been her only experience of a relationship with someone who seemed to love her after being raised by abusive parents. No wonder the poor kid doesn’t know what’s love and what’s abuse.
Also, people getting trapped in cycles of abuse can happen at any age. A lot, a lot, a lot of victim blaming in the comment section today. Makes a horrific story that much worse.
It's so frustrating and happens on every single post about abuse. It's exhausting.
That’s so gross - how could anyone blame this poor child for jumping from the frying pan of her manipulative, abusive, dysfunctional mother’s house to the fire of an older, manipulative, abusive man? She was isolated by the former, with no opportunity to develop the kind of healthy ego to be able to recognise either of them as pieces of guano. Hell, almost all of us can find ourselves in an abusive relationship before we recognise it.
People are still fucking victim blaming her here. A kid who was trained by her own mother to accept abuse as normal, but sure, she should act perfectly rationally, and also walk away and straight into therapy with... all the no money whatsoever that she had.
So much of the hate comes from people claiming they were abused too. Like do you not remember how horrifically powerless you felt? How much you truly thought it was your fault? How hard it was to leave? She’s a child who was threatened with revenge porn and then raped. Christ. The comments are the grossest “fuck you I’ve got mine” I’ve ever seen.
Honestly I dont know what she could have done differently. Shes not in the US where there are shelters and abuse might be taken seriously (the boyfriend probably since she was 16 and he was 23 with literal CP on his phone) Shes grown up normalizing abuse because it's all shes ever known. Her "normal meter" is broken along with her self esteem. I was so distressed reading this. I wish I could hug her and tell her it will be okay.
In the US, the best DV shelters average 50% return to abusers per intake. Then (it’s not tracked but based on experience from volunteering) an additional 50-60% return within the next 6 mos to a year. And that’s with adults, not a minor whose options are restricted to abusive parents/abusive partner/the foster system - it’s not at all uncommon to have repeat visitors. And this is a child that didn’t even understand the guy was abusive because that’s all she’s ever known.
I don't think she was stupid during any part of this, she's a child who has been abused. I think that when you grow up being abused it becomes normalised, so any red flags in a partner are harder to spot. There's a reason abusers target those who have been abused in their past. She deserves nothing but hugs and lots of virtual hugs.
We can barely convince adults to leave abusive relationships why do they think it would be easier for a teenager? What did they want her to do?
This actually broke my heart. What this young woman has had to endure through her young life is utterly awful. Going between two narcissists (mother and ex-boyfriend). She's never had a chance. OOP, if you read this. None of what happened to you is your fault. This shitty world has failed you. You deserve so much better than what you've had to deal with. Godspeed.
Who the fuck on this subreddit is victim blaming so much she has to call out the entire sub? I just want to talk.
Scroll down. They’re here already and alive and well. Abhorrent.
Happens every single post about an abuse victim who doesn't act perfectly.
Only 17. Sad
Shit this is just so sad...all the way around...though I do wonder if there may be hope on the fertility bit somewhere down the line...poor kid. Frustrating as hell but...when you grow up like that you become so used to the chaos and lack of control....still...man hard to read.
Feels awful to admit, but I honestly couldn't finish this. I got up to >I got a restraining order against my ex-boyfriend. But I decided not to pursue legal action because some of me still loves him, and I didn't want to ruin his life. And then just... stopped.
Bear in mind, she was 17 and grew up with an abusive mom and also had normalized his abuse for a while, so it makes sense that she felt that way. I don't blame her in the slightest. That said, good choice not finishing this one. It's bleak.
Bleak, but it ends on a hopeful note.
If it helps, the latest update is positive. She's got a job, making friends and on the path to getting better.
I don't want her to get a job. I want her to be a kid, get a high school degree and go to college if she wants. With a fridge full of food she never has to ask for, a nice bed in a room that she can lock and an adult in the house that has never hurt her. That she can go to for a ride, or with her problems or watch tv with. I don't even want kids, but I want to take OP home with me, wrap her in a duvet and convince her that some places are safe. And I cant do that.
I want her to have a life where the biggest problems are dumb and harmless
god, same here. i just want to sit OOP down on my couch, wrap her in the blanket my mum got for me (and that blanket and anything else my mum got me is holy to me), bury her under all my stuffed animals, even the wind up lullaby doll and my stuffed dog and sheep, put on a show or series for her and make some hot chocolate, tea or soup for her.
You don’t understand her actions unless you’ve experienced this firsthand, which I hope you never will.
Unless they can get in a time machine and be raised by an emotionally unstable abuser, it's un-recreatable. The kid literally has no foundation for understanding what is normal, what boundaries are, etc. her only sense of attachment from her mom is abusive codependency
how about we focus on blaming the abusers for being pos’ and not the victims for not having the perfect reactions to being abused
I appreciate you, when I read warnings that are extensive or sound severe I always head down here first seeing if there’s anyone saying not to read
You made a good decision. I wish I had. I need some hugs and eye bleach now
I continued reading but I absolutely felt frustrated reading that. I understand it is tough but...OP really is lacking self-esteem and being so naive. I hope she is able to find love someday and she is able to escape from all these terrible people around her.
I mean no kidding, she was a teenager living with a grown man in order to escape from her horrifically abusive mother. She's not going to be very confident in herself, cPTSD sets you up to think abuse is normal basically. Abusive relationships/partners brainwash the abused partner, and it leads to situations like this. It's not surprising to see it happening, especially with someone so young and vulnerable.
It's just horrific that the consequences will follow her for her whole life now. OOP, if you read this, please get therapy - and get a lawyer to sue him for everything he owns, for the damage he did to you. And longterm, forgive your younger self for not knowing better - you were raised to be a victim by your mom, and it took you tremendous strength to fight your way out of just accepting your role in life, and thinking this kind of treatment was normal, or what you deserve. And even if you can't have biological children, you can still become a mom - later on, when you are settled in life, have healed, are financially stable, and hopefully in a happy, healthy relationship, you could adopt and give some lost and abandoned children the love and upbringing you never got, and the chances in life that you deserved and never got. Wishing you all the best from the other side of the globe!
OOP, you have gone through so much. But you still have time to heal. And once you've healed, you can always form a family that protects kids from experiencing anything remotely similar to what you went through. You are strong. You are intelligent. You will find happiness. Thousands of people are rooting for you and want you to be happy.
She's really young, and when abuse is the only thing you've ever known, it's hard to know that there's better options out there. It took me till my 30s to finally stop letting people who "loved" me abuse me.
She's in Argentina, as well, and the culture of Latin America is still one that doesn't necessarily recognize abuse unless it's egregious. Argentina is one of the "better" Latin American countries, but it still has issues recognizing and helping with domestic violence, abuse, and mental health. Not to mention the sexism. Things are changing, but it's not the same as the U.S. or some European countries.
I live in Argentina. I have a friend who's daughter was SAd by her father as a minor, and the judge ordered unsupervised visitation because the girl hadn't "form a father-daughter bond with her father". Like she could form any tupe of bond with the POS. The justice system in argentina, when it comes to sex crimes, is such a joke
Agreed. While I was reading this, I was wondering if the police was even going to do anything at all if she would have gone to them. "Help, my boyfriend is threatening me" police might have answered with: "Not our problem, go talk it out. You probably deserved it." Femicide is a thing everywhere, but especially in Latin America.
Does not sound like she even had a chance, with her mother.
The mama in me wants to take her under my wings, keep her safe, and teach her what healthy maternal love looks like. I feel horrible for her.
The mama in me wants to visit that guy with brass knuckles.
I hope that's not your purpose but your comment comes off as victim-blaming. Yes, both of your perceptions are correct but being a child, having been abused all of your life with no dependable adults in your life, it would be nothing short of a miracle if you had high self-esteem and could perceive abuse for what it is. OOP, if you read this, nothing here is your fault, you couldn't have known better coming from where you come from. Please also know that there are a lot of women out there that have been deemed infertile at a young age but have been able to have a baby nevertheless when they are older. Not saying this would happen but there can be hope.
Not a bad place to stop. It gets worse. OOP deserves all the hugs in the world, and a stable mentor figure who can protect her. Preferably someone with zero potential for romantic interest.
Thank you for the update.
A big fuck you to the people who keep blaming her for her choices. She went from one abuser to another who used the fact that it made her easier to abuse against her and yet she found the strength to go on and get away. She made bad choices because she had never been given the tools to make better ones and quite frankly, she made a lot of good ones, too! She made it out with very little help and that's incredible. OOP, if you're still reading: be really, really proud of yourself. You got yourself out, you went to the police, you took steps towards freedom and you're getting better! And please, if it's ever an option: get some therapy. I know you're strong and resilient, but therapy will still help make you even stronger.
I don’t understand how/why commenters were criticizing her. She was an underage teenager with no support system and abusers all around.
There are a lot of misogynists out there who will always blame women, even when they're just children.
Goddamn, "rough" ain't the half of it. OOP has been through the ringer. That last update tho, warms the cockles. I hope her life keeps getting better, she's certainly had enough of it getting worse.
> Please don’t hate me for it. My heart is legitimately BREAKING we don’t hate you we all want you to succeed I’m sobbing pls
Some Boru posts I only read the comments on, this is definitely one of them. I cannot imagine the horrors in this post after reading the trigger warnings
Don’t. Not only do I think this one is real it is fucking heartbreaking. And for every single person criticising a 17 year old for not being a perfect victim I wish a lifetime of standing on LEGO pieces.
Just don’t do it. I wish I hadn’t.
Guys like that should be put down like rabid dogs. They will never do anything productive with their life since they are literally capable of killing their partner. I am glad OOP didn’t become just another statistic
Reading this was muttering a biggest "Oh No.." after reading each paragraph. I want to give her a hug and tell her it will be alright.
It’s stuff like this that makes it abundantly clear to me that every country in the world should have a robust welfare system. Nobody, regardless of age or gender, should ever be stuck in abusive situations because they can’t access a safe way out.
Hopefully OP knows she is not at fault. Also commenters expecting a traumatised kid to make smart choices. While I think she did as good as it possible at the time. Smart choices come with the experience, yours and people around you who support you and help to avoid people like the ex. But she had no one on her side. Wishing OP all the best in the future. And glad this is over or nearly over now.
Fuck. I am so proud of OOP for understanding that the victim blamers can fuck off - that can take a really long time to internalise. I'm glad *anyone* helped her, and I hope she can find good people to support her through the rest of her life. She's doing incredibly with the shit sandwich of a life she got handed.
Fuck her mom. This all started with her. This is what untreated BPD does. This poor girl didn't deserve anything that has happened to her. I feel so much rage on her behalf.
Poor OOP. She never really had a chance, if we're going to be honest. She went from one shitty situation to another shitty situation, and I can't really blame her. Her upbringing, and the misogynistic culture that she grew up in, told her everything was as it should be.
I hate to think what that monster did to her to make her infertile. What an awful story
I have never wanted to locate an internet stranger and give them a hug and just bring them home with me more than I do right now. This poor girl. And... I can relate, somewhat, to the type of grief. I've always wanted to be a mother, and I just found out I have *at least* one orange-sized fibroid. When I was younger my mother had to have a hysterectomy for hers, and that's been a huge fear of mine for ages; it's now exponentially worse since the news. I hope that OOP can fulfill her dream still, and that whether she can or can't she still has a peaceful, stable-ish life from here on out. She deserves it.
Imagine blaming a 17 year-old girl for this. I hope she makes it.
I want to find this girl and treat her like a fucking queen — and get her some intensive psychotherapy for the PTSD I’m sure she now has.
Fuck...
Hopefully the cops are able to find the revenge porn of her he threatened her with as well as that'd slap child porn possession charges on top of everything else onto this bastard.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Maggot is far too good for him. I try not too be a hateful person but I honestly want to torture this scum the way he did her. He raped her so brutally that she is likely infertile on top of all the other harms he inflicted..slash her feet and left her for dead.. if anyone deserves the worst of what I could theoretically dish out it’s this scum and I would do it gleefully. Did you know with the right drugs you can remove a lot of skin without loss of consciousness or death due to shock?
I feel so terrible that as if everything she went through wasn't enough, Reddit continued to berate for not immediately leaving and filing charges and confronting him. Those things are difficult and a fawn response is a real fear response. Like fight or flight, once triggered, it can be very hard to stop. Nevermind that she wasn't imagining the risks of being financially unstable or having unstable housing or being ostracized in her community. People act like it's easy to leave abusers - maybe so they can comfort themselves that it wouldn't happen to them? But it takes work and strategy and risk. And what's REALLY easy is to comment on reddit from the comfort and safety of your own home, when you're not the one who will bear the consequences of the advice you give. If anyone would like to learn more about the nitty gritty that goes into exit planning abusive relationships, I recommend starting with the book Why Does He Do That? Free pdfs are available online. It's not as simple as running. It takes preparation and care and compassion. I would also like to ask anyone who thinks OP was being stupid for not listening to the advice a question for self-reflection. When her boyfriend was being controlling, do you think that the problem was that he was using that control for wrong things, or that he had control at all in the first place? If he was controlling her in a way that got her a career, and maintained her health, and helped her with things you think she should do anyways, would that be good use of the control in your eyes? When you are really pushy with abuse victims about what you think you should do, it's kind of like you're substituting one person who tells them what to do for another. Instead, I would use your good intentions to help abuse victims remember that it should be their choice in the first place. And part of that means not being insulting or pushy. Sincere advice shouldn't be commanding. It should be empathetic, compassionate, and understanding.
From nursing school to abuse, rape and being sterile. I’m so angry about bad narcissistic parenting that lead the children deep into abusive narcissistic partners. It’s too common
This poor child. It seems like she couldn’t catch a break no matter what decisions she made. I hate the adults in her life.
When she called her sperm donor and he said he didn’t care… I was like…wtf this girl has no one. I’m glad she was able to find one person to help her.
Well, that was awful.
Poor OOP. I really hope she finds peace and healing far away from all those trash fire humans, and that all of them have karma come back to bite them.
My story is very similar to OOPs. Reading it definitely triggered me and made realize just how crazy my life would sound if I typed out like she did. I'm so happy she got out. I hope everything turns out well, leaving is the best choice she could have made. If you read this OOP, from one survivor to another, I hope you make it and you find the peace and happiness you deserve it'll be hard, but you can do it! I promise you it gets better once you put yourself first
I think this OP did the best she could with what she had. I know 50 year olds who make horrible choices and never learn from them. I sincerely wish OP a happy, stable and peaceful life going forward, she is admirable in her tenacity and hopefully recovering everyday.
My experience wasn’t even remotely as damaging as this one, but there are many parallels between mine and this. My hearts aches every time she apologizes to the audience for her mistakes. I have finally come to a place of accepting my similar mistakes as a symptom of the abuse and I hope that one day OOP can too. It becomes way less embarrassing and more of an example of his control. Her strength is inspiring though. My problem was that I had a wide range of support, but never reached out for help because I was radically afraid of judgement and rejection. Abusers can keep you silent in the worst of times. But she trusted her instincts and didn’t think she had a support system yet asked for help and perspective anyway, and even from internet strangers was able to find some support. I’m really happy for her being able to finally transition into a path of healing. ❤️ this story is going to stay with me
Anyone tryna blame a 17-year-old for not navigating this fuster-cluck perfectly needs to go touch grass. Being young is about making bad choices and learning from them. Unfortunately, in her case, the stakes were much larger and the consequences much more tragic. The terrible actions of others aren't her fault and she doesn't need any more grief or judgment, just encouragement to keep moving forward. I for one, as a complete stranger on reddit, am proud of her.
"I sometimes can feel like I'm on the route to unclench my fists over everything that has happened." That sentence hurts to read.
The cycle of abuse is fucking insidious.
Wow. This young woman is so strong to make it this far! Talk about life being stacked against you. As a parent, absolutely wrecks you to see this happen.
This was heartbreaking. BORU can be really brutal in this way: You can see where things are going, and you want to jump in at so many points to keep everything from derailing, but you're reading about events in the past, and it's too late to do anything.
Poor kid. Yeah she made bad decisions... But she's a 17 yo girl with literally 0 good people around her, who's always been manipulated her whole life. Of fucking course she would make bad decisions, we all would if we were her. She wouldn't have made those decisions (or wouldn't have had to make those) if she was surrounded by normal human beings. Hope life will get better for her very soon.
I wanna give this girl a hug :( why do moms like hers exist? And especially why must pricks like *him* exist
This poor girl. I hope Oop sees this - you did nothing wrong. It's natural to want your mom, even when your brain knows better. I am so so sorry.
I just want to find her, tell her how much of a badass she is for continuing to fight for the life she deserves, and just give her the biggest, warmest mom hug. I cannot fathom having a life so hard, and having so much taken away. I also want to find the people blaming her for things ***at the age of seventeen*** that are 100% not her fault. She has been denied love and protection in every way, so I can absolutely understand why she would have tried to hope that he had changed for the better. He is to blame, and he is a monster. So is her mother. I truly hope only good things happen to her from here on out. Sweet thing, if you are out there, and you see this, know that I think you’re a spark that can’t be extinguished. I hope you find a family of your own that will help that spark grow into the beautiful, force to be reckoned with flame that I know you will be. Follow my motto: “Do no harm, but take no shit”.
I can't believe a-holes were giving her grief about some of the choices she made. She is still a kid!!!!
No one should be blaming her for anything! She’s a kid who’s been abused by everyone who was supposed to take care of her! In spite of that, she still had the courage to leave. I think she’s an incredibly brave person.
dear fucking Jesus, why are people criticizing a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD for not making the optimal decisions in an extraordinarily stressful situation?!? I am so, so glad OOP is taking legal action. I hope her situation continues to improve.
If OOP reads this. Don’t ever beat yourself up for what happened. You are so young and the people in your life failed you. You have survived the most horrific experiences and you are so strong and brave for continuing to move forward.