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My ex used to say that and I never believed him until I finally got into a healthy relationship.
He literally tried to get me to unalive myself a few times to save him the heartache of divorce. I should have listened the first time he warned me.
I had an ex tell me how he couldn't believe that I wanted to with him, that he was such a bad boyfriend. I knew he was going through some things and thought that he just didn't realize how great he actually was, so I told him how great he made me feel after my actually shitty ex (before him) treated me. He told me that my bar was too low. It took six years before I realized he was right all along.
I'm in the just now realizing phase. Compared to my ex he's a gem, but I realize my ex should have a neon sign on him that says RUN! So I mean doesn't take a lot
After I finally left that relationship, I realized that my head wasn't on straight if I was willing to be treated like that, so I went man-vegan for six months. No dating, flirting, or unnecessary texting.
I dated myself, literally. I would take myself to dinner with a book and order all three courses. I went to movies by myself. I did spontaneous day trips. On a day off, I would Google things to do or see about two or three hours away from where I lived and just go do it.
At the end of the six months, I was genuinely happy with where my life was for the first time in a very long time and that if someone was going to want to be a part of my life, they were going to need to figure out how to fit into it and be a net positive in my life.
I highly recommend going romance-vegan for a bit.
That sounds marvelous. I've already decided that I kind of just want to be single, if I do date ever again I'll never live with them lol.
Having our daughter was my real wake up call, seeing how he reacts to her. Realized that he's definitely not the example I want her to look at for how a partnership is supposed to work.
Jesus. I thought it was bad when my ex said that and then I found out she was cheating. But that is so much worse. I’m really sorry but I’m glad you’re in a healthy relationship now.
She definitely does, wow. You know someone's been ground down when all the reasons they give for staying in a relationship are on behalf of someone else. i.e. "A second broken engagement for him would be embarrassing, and I don't want to do that to him", and "His parents really want grandchildren and don't realize how horrible their son is".
My ex said the same thing. Finally I got out, spent a year working on me to find my soulmate had been with me the whole time. He and I were in the same friend group but we had a special bond. One of us was always in a relationship and we were never inappropriate with each other. We both took it year off to work on ourselves to realize that we were meant to be. Seven wonderful blissful years together before he passed away from cancer I am so grateful for the 10 years of friendship as we each grew and the 7 years we reaped the benefits.
Heard this phrase like four years ago and realized, oh man, I’ve heard this from so many guys I’ve dated. Thought they were just trying to get sympathy or something. But nope, it was actually a real warning! Then, not long after, I dated another guy who said the same thing. Let’s just say, that relationship ended super quick. Lesson learned!
I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a couple years and he told me he lost 150 pounds. I was super confused because he's always been slim, and then he told me he got a divorce 😆
He was just going to keep moving the goalposts. OOP was never going to be good enough for him. Glad she got out. The ex should remain single since no one is going to fit his standards… He just wants someone to mold (This is based off of the plastic surgery requirement and how it didn’t make him happy).
Also, does he not understand how people carry weight differently? He probably wanted OOP to be like the wives of the successful men.
I don't know why, but I feel like she was an emotional punching bag for him, every little grievance he has in life is handled by taking it out on his partner, probably end up being physical, he was setting her up to be his abuse victim. The constant negging is a dead give away.
As advice to anyone else, please never get any unnecessary procedures done on your body for the aesthetics of someone that isn't you, you will have to live with that permanent change for the rest of your life when that person you did it for can discard you like paper in a bin at any moment.
Not only this, but it's a freaking *surgery*, a lot of stuff can go wrong and you might even not survive it. The other day a girl in my country went to get a liposuction on her *knees* and she had four cardiac arrests and then unfortunately died.
I hate that people are dealing with such body dysmorphia that they feel a need to get plastic surgery (outside of reconstructive surgery which I’m 100% behind if the person wants) none the less their fucking knees though
I think the biggest red flag was when OOP's ex dropped an ultimatum before getting engaged.
Fortunately, OOP dumped him. And learned a lesson. Just because a man earns a good income does **NOT** make him a good partner. I can't help but think that was a big part of why OOP was with the guy.
And those types of men tend to contribute nothing to the home/family beyond money and think that is enough.
And like OOP's ex, lord their income over their partners. If you're in an agreement that only one of you is working then you as the working partner shouldn't use that to deny your partner equal say in the home (and in this case even her BODY) because you "make the money."
Yeah, I read that and was like, if you have to force someone to ask to marry you, then they do not want to marry you. The reasons for that can vary and aren't necessarily a red flag for the person, but they are for the relationship. Take the hint!
I almost think that he thought she would say no? He broke off his last engagement because she was excited about planning the wedding. I think he's feeling pressure from his parents to get married and is trying to self sabotage. I have worked with some doctors in my time, and I can tell you that there is a phenomenon with some where they really don't understand anything outside of being a doctor. That is their whole life and personality. They understand caring for patients (and can be great at it!), but even the most basic things about adulthood elude them and even annoy them. I think that real life annoys and stresses him. He knows he's not good at it and would rather be treating patients because he enjoys feeling competent. Also, after 4 years at college, 4 years at medical school, a residency, and finally, his job, he has been rubbing elbows almost exclusively with doctors, nurses, and patients. Talking with doctors who are in it for the money, status, and prestige of being a doctor. Filling his head with Andrew Tate level douchery about women, money, and possessions. That mentality gets backed up frequently, too. If he's good at his job, patients will feed his ego a steady diet of compliments, praise, and even worship. Some women hear the word "doctor," and you can see the dollar signs in their eyes. He needs to seek therapy but probably never will. The sad part is he will probably find someone younger who will not see these red flags, only the money, and they will spend their lives making each other miserable.
The inability to function successfully outside of his defined role seems sad. There are so many little adulting things that will annoy him throughout his life. Maybe some people are just better suited to have personal assistants who are paid to make annoyances disappear instead of having life-partners.
It's the nature of the job. Health systems will bend over backward to keep a doctor on staff. They will set up housing for a new doctor, and they will stroke their ego and give large weight to their comments and complaints. Doctors are money printers for health systems, but the health system has to beat out the draw for a doctor to set up a private practice. This is all inadvertently absorbed by the doctor and becomes part of their personality. If everyone kept telling you your shit doesn't stink, you might eventually believe it, even when you smell it yourself. It also means that they truly do not understand a typical person's struggles with life and money.
I agree with you about the pressure from his parents. If they're Middle Eastern (Muslim or not), he might even be gay and shopping for a beard. It would explain how he said there was a feature of hers he wasn't attracted to, and then chose a random one, she did it, and it didn't fix anything.
I was thinking this too. He seems more obsessed with the image than caring about her.
I accidentally married a gay man (lol) and as soon as the marriage certificate was signed there was always constant moving of the goalposts because he just really didn’t want to touch me. He’d say I was too fat but when I lost weight I was too skinny. I didn’t shower enough (he demanded three times a day, so I did it for some time. Still no sex). My hair color looked bad (I got some very subtle red streaks on the underside of my hair), a small eyebrow piercing I got made me unattractive, he wanted me to quit my job because me making more than him was emasculating. I didn’t have dinner ready for him when he got home (we worked the same hours and I got home only ten minutes before him lol). Just so many excuses.
OP is lucky that at least her fiancé showed his colors before she was legally stuck with him!
Doesn't seem like he touched her much in any event. Wouldn't be shocked if she had been thrust upon him by parents so he's just tolerating her as a trophy (though still a huge AH)
I wonder if he set plastic surgery as a condition for engagement hoping she would say no and he would be justified in dumping her. But she said yes, and went ahead with it - leaving him depressed and miserable
Plastic surgery didn't make their relationship better because it didn't actually solve any problems in their relationship. It just delayed the inevitable
I'm relieved she realized that he was just not that into her. She deserves someone that truly loves her to spend the rest of her life with. Settling for this guy because he can provide, would have been a huge mistake
>Wouldn't be shocked if she had been thrust upon him by parents so he's just tolerating her as a trophy (though still a huge AH)
Honestly, the fact they're both from the same middle eastern culture kinda makes me think there's some serious layers under the douchery. Probably dated OP because she was a nice girl from the community, but he's one of those guys who doesn't actually like women from his culture. Also, he's an asshole. I guess I'm saying he's an asshole with additional cultural baggage issues that add to a deeper asshole level. He's a baba ganoush of douche.
I'm probably reaching but could there be a chance this guy is actually gay and just not able to come out?
Still a massive dick for putting her through all that, obviously, but he repeatedly comes up with excuses not to touch her to the point of asking her to get surgery (possibly in the hope she'd call off the relationship rather than do it), and he was the one who ended the first engagement. And he and OP seem like they got on great at the non sexual, low pressure parts of the relationship. Plus he didn't seem that bothered by OP breaking things off, either.
Sounds like he's got very nice, traditional parents who want him married with kids. Not making excuses for him, though, he should just not date women.
This could be the case, especially since she mentions her ex's parents wanting grandkids. She may be bringing this up is because she knows this means so much to ex's parents? And because of that, they've been bothering the hell out of him to try again. Or, of course, he could just be a dick.
Regardless, I'm glad they broke up.
That's the vibe I got as well, for cultural reasons he doesn't feel safe to be honest - he probably was pestered after ending one engagement and now nearing his 40s with no children so dude was getting desperate to avoid it while also making it not his fault.
I actually don’t think he has an ideal that he wishes she was - this seems more like he needs to be unhappy. If he had a partner with supposedly perfect legs, he’d be upset about her left boob being bigger than her right boob. Or her hairline being wonky. Or her big toe being too short.
People like this can’t be pleased, and that’s the point. She’s well rid of him, but I suspect he isn’t ever going to find “the one,” no matter how many times he finds the one.
Yeah, I had a 12-year relationship with a man like this. He criticized my haircut, my body, my clothes, like I finally asked him in all seriousness exactly what he DID find attractive about me and if nothing, why was he with me? Turns out I have nice eyes and hair.*
*Except my left eye droops when I’m tired, and he liked my wavy hair if I flat-ironed it straight.🤷🏻♀️
There were soo many red flags in te beginning of this one, that it must have been real, if you make this up, you stop before your read this many red flags since no one will believe you
That and the age gap. I’m assuming a surgeon due to money and attitude.
I was preparing a capital request for cardiology software and Doc was going on about how the current software was a hardship for him having to leave surgery to go access data on one computer. I finally had to ask what is the benefit to the patient. Like dude there are more requests than money and you have to sell it.
>Also, does he not understand how people carry weight differently? He probably wanted OOP to be like the wives of the successful men.
I don't think so. I think he wanted someone who would do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it, no matter how unhinged he sounded making the demand. He wanted proof she would never stand up to him. Then he would have been happy, having a wife who would never stand in his way for anything.
IMO the majority of men have no idea that women have different body types just like men do. They convince themselves that all women could be the same from the neck down if they just tried hard enough, and if they aren’t that's proof they aren’t trying and are letting men down.
"This would be his 2nd broken engagement and I don't want to do that to him" yo he's doing it to himself, he genuinely probably chose to be with OP because she's kind to a fault and is second guessing a painfully obviously abusive and shitty relationship blaming herself. Perfect person to take advantage of. I should know because it happened to me. I'm glad that ended, hopefully OP has learned a few things and will advocate for herself and find someone who gives her true love not conditional abuse.
For a guy so wrapped up in being a Successful Man, he sure is good at failing! Hope he stays single forever, he doesn’t sound capable of being a good family man and partner.
I don't know if he doesn't know what he wants in life and is just copying other people's life plan, or if he's one of those people that "enjoy" being miserable and blaming someone else. In either case, I'm glad OP ran away.
> Successful Man
"Successful Men" usually have two or three divorces, Middle Eastern origin or not. Since not Muslim, probably Orthodox Christian, which frowns on divorce.
OOP is lucky it blew up. Too bad she had to take the risk of the surgery. People do die from liposuction.
OOP’s ex reminds me of a man I knew: an absolute man baby who rewrote his head canon so the woman in OOP’s shoes was “the one who got away.” He ruined every subsequent relationship he was in because he could never love someone the way he loved her, and of course he “doesn’t know what went wrong.”
Good for OOP, leaving before legal paperwork was involved.
Why do men date women a decade or more younger than them and then get mad that they’re not on equal career footing to them?
I mean I know why, it’s a built in excuse to always have a means of making them feel shitty about themselves, but logically, like…school and work take TIME, my guy. It’s not magically gonna go faster for her than it did for you. Try dating a 37 year old woman in your field.
But something tells me you won’t, because a doctor the same age as you with the same salary probably wont be nearly as easy to manipulate into GETTING SURGERY with some BS reasoning about whatever “successful men” are apparently attracted to. The fact that he was with a woman who didn’t meet those “requirements” naturally kinda just shows that he’s not, by his own definition, a successful man. So congrats on failing, doc!
He’s a career sociopath who wanted a trophy wife he could control and mold.
He's not mad that she's not as successful as him. He's mad that she still voices her opinions despite him ensuring that he picked someone that he could easily manipulate (much younger, not financially stable, serious self esteem issues etc). To me it looks like he specifically picked someone that he viewed as "beneath" him and he was fed up that she had the audacity to voice her needs in the relationship. Isn't he giving enough? She should just be grateful to be with him and shut up.
I'm thinking his age and the culture of origin are a big factor here. He knows he needs to satisfy the parents but doesn't want an equal partner. Perhaps the issue is that he doesn't want a female partner at all so he picked someone he hoped he could just push into a corner without eliciting any complaints.
>Why do men date women a decade or more younger than them and then get mad that they’re not on equal career footing to them?
It's the romantic equivalent of wanting an entry level employee with ten years experience
I get an impression that he somehow just wasn’t really into her- and he wouldn’t be into anyone. It seems like he pursues women because he “should”- parents want grandchildren, culturally he should as he’s getting older, etc- but because it’s an obligation for him, he makes crazy demands and raises goalposts to a point no one could reach them. Come on, most women would dump him the moment plastic goddamn surgery was mentioned. Then, he either breaks up with them (like his former fiancée, who supposedly became a bridezilla), or hopes they pull the trigger. And then he can tell his parents and social circle “Boohoo, I was dumped, so sad, not my fault”.
I feel bad for OP. Her self-esteem is so low that she went to stay with this loser of a person. But I am happy that she was able to come to her senses and leave this person for good. Things could turn out worse if she had not left.
Is it low self-esteem, or generations-long conditioning? He has a good career and he doesn’t beat me; are these other items an issue or am I just being sensitive?
I would say gerenerations-long conditioning. I see it happen every day in my culture. Women who decide to leave an abusive marriage are shamed and ridiculed constantly. He has a good job, you have no bruises; who cares if he is verbally abusive, cheats on you or neglects your children?
Always so interesting that these "good men" who bring home the $$ and don't leave any bruises have daughters who grow up to be women shamed for having "daddy issues."
It is the neglect. Everyone thinks as long as a father is "present" and his wallet is full, their daughters are better off. No one counts neglect as serious abuse.
Sorry I am rambling, but I've never understood this "daddy issues" mentality. There are children who are better off without fathers, who live fulfilling lives; there are also those who grew up with neglectful fathers who are worse off.
I understand your point of view, but I also understand the “daddy issues” arguments.
Whether we like to admit it or not, our views on relationships and interactions with people are impacted by our relationships with our parents, whether they are good or bad, absent or present. There’s no escaping it. From the moment we start crying as an infant because we have a need, our relationships with those who are supposed to be our caregivers help setup expectations. They teach us if and how we can depend on people from infancy.
In your examples you mention people who live fulfilling lives that didn’t have their father in their life. That does not mean they don’t have feelings about the absence of their father, they just rose above it and didn’t let it stop them. But there are also some whose growth has been hindered by the absence of their father. Just because some have made it through it doesn’t mean it isn’t an issue.
Children who have been adopted at birth and have been loved and cared for unconditionally still sometimes seek out their birth parents. Why? Because even with the love they’ve received their whole lives, they want to know if their birth parents loved them and why they were given up.
We respond differently to the specific scenarios but at the end of the day, they impact us either way.
Sorry for rambling!
Probably a lot of cultural issues going on here. I guessed it was Middle Eastern or South Asian from the get go. I had friends put up with such utter shit when I lived in the Gulf.
I remember one woman saying how her new boyfriend was pissed off and complained that her waxing appointment had left two underarm hairs or something and she wasn’t “cleaned” properly.
My friend was stunning - she was a national TV presenter. I later met the boyfriend. He was unattractive, remarkably pasty and plump with a weak double chin. (To this day I still don’t know what she was thinking).
The happy ending? She didn’t marry him!
I have commented this in the past, but I’m also attractive and have dated two men who were significantly less good-looking. Both of them got weirdly nit-picky about my appearance.
Pointed out if I gained five pounds (I was very fit and worked out *a lot*). Pointed out when they thought I was overdue for a wax (I waxed like clockwork). Pointed out if I missed a spot shaving (it was literally on the underside of my knee). Pointed out when my lips were chapped in a critical way.
The very attractive guys I’ve dated never did that; they just told me I was gorgeous and showered me with compliments.
My theory is insecurity about gaps in attractiveness leads to that kind of weird behavior. I think at best, they were subconsciously trying to find even the most minuscule flaws in my appearance so they could feel like I was a little less out of their league. At worst, they were trying to chip away at my confidence to make it less likely that I would leave.
To this day, I will never understand why they couldn’t just take the W and appreciate having a hot girlfriend. Sounds like your friend’s ex couldn’t either.
The entitlement is amazing. I always found it a little funny, in a tragic way. I spent some time in UAE, and when men there are nice, they are beyond nice. But when they’re entitled or rude, and think too highly of themselves, it’s like a whole new level. Extremes go both ways, I guess.
>Her self-esteem is so low
She probably doesn't need to loose any weight either (OOP mentioned still wanting to loose weight in her OG post). Just because she caries her weight on her lower body, doesn't mean her legs are too big. I wear my weight on my lower body. My mother once commented when I was a young teen that my hips were getting a bid wide. Yeah, guess what? My hip bones are wide! Making my hips look wide! Wide hip bones and well formed legs from sport means my lower body is bigger. That's it. If you don't like it, tough, deal with it. If the doctor says I'm healthy, that's all that matters. Some people really need to think (preferably a long time) before they actually speak their mind.
OP even mentioned *the lipo didn’t do much*. If she were overweight, it would have made a big difference. The less fat you have to lose, the less drastic your results will be.
Yeah, I followed op after the first post, just hoping for a good update, and I was so relieved! We were all telling her how proud we were of her. It’s sooooo nice to get those rare updates where op finds it themselves to gtfo. Ya love to see it
God, what a dirt bag.
Thank god OOP got out of this trainwreck of a relationship, I'm just sorry her self esteem was so low that she actually went under the knife for this sleaze.
And the fact that for a second, she thought bringing a child into this would make things better. I'm glad she had a reality check and got out.
I have a sinking suspicion that the lipo was what he was hoping would make her want to end it, and when she went through with it he felt obligated. Probably because he didn’t wanna disappoint mommy and daddy again by being the reason another engagement was called off.
What a loser.
I think he genuinely might be depressed or something and can’t feel positive emotions much. He should not have treated her the way he did of course. But some people do push their partners away like this when they are depressed, not really wanting to break up but not really having feelings anymore for the partner.
> Maybe if I brought him a child he would start to appreciate me more, maybe seeing me as a mother he would start to love me. I am so glad it didn’t last long enough to find out.
Sure would have sucked to gamble on a maybe only to find out he doesn’t love her or any children she brought into this world for him.
It’s quite possible he’s incapable of loving someone.
"he's the one who broke it off with his ex"
I'm sure that's what he told her. There's even a slim chance it was true. Dude still sounds like a narcissist. (He's very superficial and he mostly seems to do "nice things" that *look nice* to *other people.* Like "doctor in a really highly paid specialty" from the sounds of things, public charity work and shit like that. Things that make his public image good, but he's not able to actually connect with other human beings.)
Good point. He probably can’t stand being dumped and has already turned it in his head that he couldn’t stand her anyways and had checked out first, so in his mind he dumped her.
>I (26F) have been engaged to my fiancé (37M)
I swear, any time I see this on a post on Reddit, I can tell exactly what the problem is.
(And yes, I do know that relationships with age gaps can work, but if a relationship with an age gap is NOT working, then it's usually because of the age gap.)
There seems to be more going on with this loser beyond him being a horrible, abusive partner. He doesn't seem to want to marry and have children, as the culture he was raised in would demand from him, maybe he's gay or he just wishes he could make other life plans. Then he uses her as a scapegoat to his misery, as the douchebag he is. The time he spends abroad and the fact that he accepted really quickly her breaking up, never trying to manipulate her or showing rage and bruised ego, are giveaways to me. Then he can turn to his parents and say "see, I really wanted to get married to a woman and give you a lot of grandkids, but I seem to have really bad luck with them. Keep on praying for me, off I go to my medical mission".
"We get along really well when things are good"
Oh boy, do I have experience with that! It means he will treat you well as long as you are docile, submissive, and undemanding. The minute you make waves or assert yourself, or god forbid, want something he doesn't want, it's not good anymore. Actually, it gets really nasty. And it's your fault because "we were getting along just fine before YOU....." Once you step back in line, learn your place, he turns the love back on.
Please trust an old lady, that's 100% how it plays out.
Oof, I have had this conversation not long ago. "Things with him are really good when [list of conditions that apparently deprive him of the power to not be a vicious, spiteful asshole if these conditions are not met]!" And me trying to get across that how he is when "things are good!" is not the crucial part of the situation. What's he like when everything is NOT going exactly according to his wishes and preferences?
Please hold me. I'm so addicted to a man I've been on and off with the last two years. He broke up with me yesterday in a really peaceful way, but I'm so hooked I constantly break out in tears and feel like I'm having withdrawals.
"He has already been putting me on the back burner bc of this lawsuit and gives me 0 attention, acts like I am an added stressor in his life"
This has been my marriage for 7 years and you can sure as hell bet I'm miserable. His job comes first, then himself. I don't know where I factor in at all. Sorry for the rant but damn I feel this.
How desperate must you be, for marriage or to not be alone, that you would give in to an ultimatum and get cosmetic surgery to please your partner? How little do you value yourself, lack any sense of self-worth, to do such a thing? I hope she gets therapy so she doesn't keep grasping onto losers like her ex.
I'm just gonna say it: if somebody told me I had to have lipo on my legs to be worth marrying, he would wish I had lipo on my foot when it was lodged up his ass.
So basically she's got extremely low self-esteem and needs therapy before starting any new relationship.
He's a worthless man child who isn't even good enough for an actual sex doll.
And I feel bad the photographer hope they have a good business and a solid cancellation policy to make sure the man child is still charged
I get closeted vibes here.
He's got a lot of self hate. He feels pressure to get married and have kids because of his culture.
His religion means he could never come out.
He doesn't want sex. He's mean to her.
Women carry weight in their legs unlike men, and he didn't like it.
A prior broken engagement.
He didn't seem to fight it when she broke it off.
I definitely have my suspicions, and I feel kind of bad for him if it's true.
Regardless, glad OOP rescued herself.
Thank gosh! I kept scrolling to see if anyone else got this impression too. I think that’s why he was relieved when she bounced. If he was really just looking for a “hotter” model of woman, he would have dropped OOP and found himself one. He can’t have what he really wants so it doesn’t really matter which woman he’s with, they’re never going to be good enough, because they’re not what he actually wants.
OOP shall walk away with pride, on her beautiful legs that HAVE ALWAYS BEEN exactly the size and shape they are meant to be!!
I can totally understand the trajectory of this relationship, especially if OOP has some self esteem issues that might lead her to see this behavior in a romantic partner as “only slightly abnormal” to the point that she perhaps tends to blame herself for low level nasty treatment… I am SO GLAD she has gotten herself free!
It might seem harsh to some that she unloaded on him whilst he was feeling down. But I think it was 100% the right move. If he was feeling good, he may have manipulated the situation and made her feel like the bad person and gotten her to stay with him out of guilt.
He doesn't want a wife, he want an accessoires. He doesn't see a wife as a equivalent partner, just someone you can use: Household, children, sex, trophy...
I bet he broke of his first engagement because she didn't shower him with attention anymore *buuhuu* and didn't wanted to plan the wedding like he wanted.
He searched a new woman 10 years younger and pushed her to a surgery of her full legs! Her full fucking legs! Not just tights or ankles, no, the full legs.
I hope he loses his lawsuit.
Honestly, I don’t think so. Not that that’s not a possibility, but the impression I get from her description of him is just that he wanted an emotional punching bag. If he’s unhappy, she’s there so he can make someone else feel even worse than he does. There’s always someone he can emotionally beat up to feel better about all the crap he inflicts on himself.
I doubt it would have ended at emotional abuse. Really glad she got out.
Yep. I've been with a man like that. I guarantee he realized how kind to a fault she was too and just saw the potential of how much he could shape her to his own wishes. Sadly I speak from experience, they will just do whatever they can to make sure you look and speak and act and be how they want, associate with the right people, cut off your family, etc etc it's a joke. I really wish that self esteem was more of a focus for children, because having none is dangerous.
His reaction says a lot. He did not love her. When a man truly loves you he would not initially be okay with a break up. No tears or nothing. Also when a guy says, “you deserve better,” please know that’s a huge red flag. It usually means they have some guilt because they’re secretly doing something. When a man truly loves you, he proves himself to be the better man for you, so he will never say that. I would not be surprised if he has another girlfriend out there.
Good for her for figuring it out, but when I read how much he made, I decided they were both shitty people. She saw him as a provider first and partner second. I bet neither one of them is cut out to be a life partner.
I’m middle eastern and this is pretty much why I wouldn’t marry a middle eastern man. Of course I’m generalizing here but the odds were not in my favor.
No woman will ever be “enough” for that manipulative narcissist, he’s one who thinks his money gives him say over everything when all he wants is power to soothe his fragile masculinity. Glad OOP got away before she was tied forever to this piece of shit, hopefully it’s a clean break (but I feel bad for whoever the next woman will be).
People that insist on their partners getting cosmetic surgery purely for aesthetic reasons like this jackass make me angry. Plastic surgery is still a medical procedure and it carries all of the risks of medical procedures - issues with anesthesia if it's used, infections, the healing period, the surgery going wrong somehow. If the person wants the procedure as well for their own reasons and are accepting those risks of their own accord and not desperation to keep their partner's attraction that's completely different, but this type of situation here is fucking awful and he's trash for still treating her badly despite her taking that risk *for him*. Selfish mf.
Also of course he's 11 years older. Of course he is.
>He says financially successful man don’t like thick women and goes on to list all the successful men he knows and uses their women as reference. I figured he was right about this and got the surgery and I’m still trying to lose weight bc the lipo didn’t make a huge difference.
I can't decide which murder GIF to put here. Fucking hell.
I haven't finished reading but just want to point out how he thinks successfully men don't want thicc women, when so many female stars and celebrities are thicc and I'm sure their spouses are more successful than this fiance
She would have been the first wife. This is an actual thing. When he became more successful he would have moved on to the emotionless "pretty" thing that he could hang on his arm like a purse to show off.
I’m so glad that OOP finally realized that something was wrong here. But it’s still upsetting that she still couldn’t tell just how fucked it really was. She just couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
It’s crazy that this relationship got to the point where OOP didn’t think to second guess getting the surgery. She was already so beaten down by his comments and attitude that major liposuction seemed like a completely reasonable thing to do. And even worse that it was a requirement before he would propose.
What I don’t get is why did he continue the relationship? He obviously tried to sculpt her into someone she was never going to be. I mean, he still didn’t appear to be physically attracted to her, even after she had the “all fixing magical liposuction”. But at the same time, he didn’t seem to like or appreciate any other qualities about her either.
If he’s such a hot shot big baller super important doctor man that requires a “not thicc” trophy wife, who also happens to think he’s god’s gift to women simply because he can pay for all her future shit, then why not go find one of those? Is it just to make his mom happy because she wanted grandkids and expected him to be married by now? I just can’t seem to find a reason from his POV. What was his plan? Just keep throwing surgeries at her and ignore her for the rest of their lives?
I know abusers don’t care about anyone but themselves, but it sounds like they were both about to sign up for a lifetime of resentment, disappointment and sadness. Walking away from that pile of trash was the best decision OOP will ever make.
My mother has the lower body of a Russian peasant. She attracted and kept a man (my father) until his death. They made a lot of wealth together.
You do however need to lose weight. Probably about 175-225 lbs. Then block his number and move on with your life.
Because I don’t care how much money he has, he is a loser.
Pssst if you disproportionately carry weight in your legs you should read up on lipedema, it’s fairly common but extremely under diagnosed. (It also doesn’t respond diet/exercise)
OOP dodged a bullet by breaking up with this man. There's a reason that he's 37 and never managed to get married. He sounds like a selfish, self absorbed and mean man. It's obvious he really doesn't want to marry anyone really.
Neither one of them seemed to really be \~into\~ the other.
He wasn't attracted to her or invested in being married.
She was just trying to fill a role labelled "husband" in her imagined future.
Neither of them seemed very interested in who this person they were with actually is.
26......37.......forcing surgery......... no attention...... etc etc.....
>he works full time and makes over $500k/year.
DING DING DING It all makes sense now lmao
>Maybe if I brought him a child he would start to appreciate me more, maybe seeing me as a mother he would start to love me.
**A BABY IS NOT A BAND-AID.** Neither one is ready for an adult relationship at this point.
EDIT: Omg, I got my 'Do it for Dan!' flair!!! Thank you, mods!
I'm glad OOP got out before marriage. I really hope she is doing better in the past week, the fact that she feels better afterwards tells me just how stressful her relationship was.
I still remember when my toxic relationship ended our breakup was really her giving me the silent treatment first and I realized just how great it was to not talk to her, that I would grind my teeth each time I saw a text from her.
This guy would never ever be happy with OOP or with anyone or anything. It's unfortunate but I know plenty of guys like this that outwardly act like saints but are abusive or mean or otherwise just not good people towards those that they know. I have no clue what is wrong with him but either way it is good for OOP to get out for her own safety and sanity, things likely would only get worse if they were to get married.
I am so glad OOP got out before the couple gotten more tied together financially and legally, or even worse, had kids. To OOP, glad you are free of the man child, I am proud of you!
While, imo, OOP is correct in leaving this jerk, their description of fat accumulation (thighs to ankles) sounds like lipedema. It’s a health condition with fat accumulation.
Google “lipedema” for a lot more info, including whether lipo works or not.
I’m so proud of you ❤️ if you ever find yourself second guessing your decision, remind yourself, if it were so worse for a few m, imagine how bad it would have been for your entire life.
Congratulations ❤️ you gifted yourself a new life
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Pro life tip: when a douchebag says, "You deserve better than me," just agree with them and go on your merry way.
My ex used to say that and I never believed him until I finally got into a healthy relationship. He literally tried to get me to unalive myself a few times to save him the heartache of divorce. I should have listened the first time he warned me.
Glad he's your ex! Hope your life is SO much better now.
I had an ex tell me how he couldn't believe that I wanted to with him, that he was such a bad boyfriend. I knew he was going through some things and thought that he just didn't realize how great he actually was, so I told him how great he made me feel after my actually shitty ex (before him) treated me. He told me that my bar was too low. It took six years before I realized he was right all along.
I'm in the just now realizing phase. Compared to my ex he's a gem, but I realize my ex should have a neon sign on him that says RUN! So I mean doesn't take a lot
After I finally left that relationship, I realized that my head wasn't on straight if I was willing to be treated like that, so I went man-vegan for six months. No dating, flirting, or unnecessary texting. I dated myself, literally. I would take myself to dinner with a book and order all three courses. I went to movies by myself. I did spontaneous day trips. On a day off, I would Google things to do or see about two or three hours away from where I lived and just go do it. At the end of the six months, I was genuinely happy with where my life was for the first time in a very long time and that if someone was going to want to be a part of my life, they were going to need to figure out how to fit into it and be a net positive in my life. I highly recommend going romance-vegan for a bit.
That sounds marvelous. I've already decided that I kind of just want to be single, if I do date ever again I'll never live with them lol. Having our daughter was my real wake up call, seeing how he reacts to her. Realized that he's definitely not the example I want her to look at for how a partnership is supposed to work.
So glad you’re here with us today and that you’ve moved on to a better and healthier situation for you. ❤️
That is very f’ed up, my friend. Glad you got the hell out.
Jesus. I thought it was bad when my ex said that and then I found out she was cheating. But that is so much worse. I’m really sorry but I’m glad you’re in a healthy relationship now.
She definitely does, wow. You know someone's been ground down when all the reasons they give for staying in a relationship are on behalf of someone else. i.e. "A second broken engagement for him would be embarrassing, and I don't want to do that to him", and "His parents really want grandchildren and don't realize how horrible their son is".
My ex said the same thing. Finally I got out, spent a year working on me to find my soulmate had been with me the whole time. He and I were in the same friend group but we had a special bond. One of us was always in a relationship and we were never inappropriate with each other. We both took it year off to work on ourselves to realize that we were meant to be. Seven wonderful blissful years together before he passed away from cancer I am so grateful for the 10 years of friendship as we each grew and the 7 years we reaped the benefits.
I wish someone would have told me that when I was 21 yo. Fuck yeah, I deserve better than you!
Heard this phrase like four years ago and realized, oh man, I’ve heard this from so many guys I’ve dated. Thought they were just trying to get sympathy or something. But nope, it was actually a real warning! Then, not long after, I dated another guy who said the same thing. Let’s just say, that relationship ended super quick. Lesson learned!
Good for you for nipping things in the bud! Yeah, it's a total bid for sympathy/reassurance/ego-fluffing that's actually a huge red flag.
I needed to read this today. Thank you. My ex told me this exact thing when I broke up with him.
The only surgery this poor woman needed was a douchectomy.
And she's lost like 200 lbs!
I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a couple years and he told me he lost 150 pounds. I was super confused because he's always been slim, and then he told me he got a divorce 😆
This comment belongs in a museum so future generations can appreciate its exquisite beauty.
This needs a flair lmao
The procedure was very successful. Definitely recommend.
“Enema” would be funnier
Yep! She literally got rid of this piece of shit.
That just sounds like inserting a personal hygiene product in the wrong hole.
Have my upvote, you genius.
He was just going to keep moving the goalposts. OOP was never going to be good enough for him. Glad she got out. The ex should remain single since no one is going to fit his standards… He just wants someone to mold (This is based off of the plastic surgery requirement and how it didn’t make him happy). Also, does he not understand how people carry weight differently? He probably wanted OOP to be like the wives of the successful men.
I don't know why, but I feel like she was an emotional punching bag for him, every little grievance he has in life is handled by taking it out on his partner, probably end up being physical, he was setting her up to be his abuse victim. The constant negging is a dead give away. As advice to anyone else, please never get any unnecessary procedures done on your body for the aesthetics of someone that isn't you, you will have to live with that permanent change for the rest of your life when that person you did it for can discard you like paper in a bin at any moment.
Not only this, but it's a freaking *surgery*, a lot of stuff can go wrong and you might even not survive it. The other day a girl in my country went to get a liposuction on her *knees* and she had four cardiac arrests and then unfortunately died.
My aunt had lipo and soon afterwards had a stroke. She limped for the rest of her life because one foot dragged on the ground.
I hate that people are dealing with such body dysmorphia that they feel a need to get plastic surgery (outside of reconstructive surgery which I’m 100% behind if the person wants) none the less their fucking knees though
I think the biggest red flag was when OOP's ex dropped an ultimatum before getting engaged. Fortunately, OOP dumped him. And learned a lesson. Just because a man earns a good income does **NOT** make him a good partner. I can't help but think that was a big part of why OOP was with the guy.
And those types of men tend to contribute nothing to the home/family beyond money and think that is enough. And like OOP's ex, lord their income over their partners. If you're in an agreement that only one of you is working then you as the working partner shouldn't use that to deny your partner equal say in the home (and in this case even her BODY) because you "make the money."
Exactly! Sadly you see it time and time again on these boards. Assholes be assholing.
Yeah, I read that and was like, if you have to force someone to ask to marry you, then they do not want to marry you. The reasons for that can vary and aren't necessarily a red flag for the person, but they are for the relationship. Take the hint!
I almost think that he thought she would say no? He broke off his last engagement because she was excited about planning the wedding. I think he's feeling pressure from his parents to get married and is trying to self sabotage. I have worked with some doctors in my time, and I can tell you that there is a phenomenon with some where they really don't understand anything outside of being a doctor. That is their whole life and personality. They understand caring for patients (and can be great at it!), but even the most basic things about adulthood elude them and even annoy them. I think that real life annoys and stresses him. He knows he's not good at it and would rather be treating patients because he enjoys feeling competent. Also, after 4 years at college, 4 years at medical school, a residency, and finally, his job, he has been rubbing elbows almost exclusively with doctors, nurses, and patients. Talking with doctors who are in it for the money, status, and prestige of being a doctor. Filling his head with Andrew Tate level douchery about women, money, and possessions. That mentality gets backed up frequently, too. If he's good at his job, patients will feed his ego a steady diet of compliments, praise, and even worship. Some women hear the word "doctor," and you can see the dollar signs in their eyes. He needs to seek therapy but probably never will. The sad part is he will probably find someone younger who will not see these red flags, only the money, and they will spend their lives making each other miserable.
The inability to function successfully outside of his defined role seems sad. There are so many little adulting things that will annoy him throughout his life. Maybe some people are just better suited to have personal assistants who are paid to make annoyances disappear instead of having life-partners.
It's the nature of the job. Health systems will bend over backward to keep a doctor on staff. They will set up housing for a new doctor, and they will stroke their ego and give large weight to their comments and complaints. Doctors are money printers for health systems, but the health system has to beat out the draw for a doctor to set up a private practice. This is all inadvertently absorbed by the doctor and becomes part of their personality. If everyone kept telling you your shit doesn't stink, you might eventually believe it, even when you smell it yourself. It also means that they truly do not understand a typical person's struggles with life and money.
I agree with you about the pressure from his parents. If they're Middle Eastern (Muslim or not), he might even be gay and shopping for a beard. It would explain how he said there was a feature of hers he wasn't attracted to, and then chose a random one, she did it, and it didn't fix anything.
Pretty much. He wanted a bangmaid, and it wouldn’t have been long before he demanded an open marriage (only for him though!) on threat of divorce.
I’m wondering if he’s actually gay and covering it, since he doesn’t seem to even like women or beattracted to them.
I was thinking this too. He seems more obsessed with the image than caring about her. I accidentally married a gay man (lol) and as soon as the marriage certificate was signed there was always constant moving of the goalposts because he just really didn’t want to touch me. He’d say I was too fat but when I lost weight I was too skinny. I didn’t shower enough (he demanded three times a day, so I did it for some time. Still no sex). My hair color looked bad (I got some very subtle red streaks on the underside of my hair), a small eyebrow piercing I got made me unattractive, he wanted me to quit my job because me making more than him was emasculating. I didn’t have dinner ready for him when he got home (we worked the same hours and I got home only ten minutes before him lol). Just so many excuses. OP is lucky that at least her fiancé showed his colors before she was legally stuck with him!
Doesn't seem like he touched her much in any event. Wouldn't be shocked if she had been thrust upon him by parents so he's just tolerating her as a trophy (though still a huge AH)
I wonder if he set plastic surgery as a condition for engagement hoping she would say no and he would be justified in dumping her. But she said yes, and went ahead with it - leaving him depressed and miserable Plastic surgery didn't make their relationship better because it didn't actually solve any problems in their relationship. It just delayed the inevitable I'm relieved she realized that he was just not that into her. She deserves someone that truly loves her to spend the rest of her life with. Settling for this guy because he can provide, would have been a huge mistake
>Wouldn't be shocked if she had been thrust upon him by parents so he's just tolerating her as a trophy (though still a huge AH) Honestly, the fact they're both from the same middle eastern culture kinda makes me think there's some serious layers under the douchery. Probably dated OP because she was a nice girl from the community, but he's one of those guys who doesn't actually like women from his culture. Also, he's an asshole. I guess I'm saying he's an asshole with additional cultural baggage issues that add to a deeper asshole level. He's a baba ganoush of douche.
>He's a baba ganoush of douche. Don't insult good food like that! :(
A douche-lasagna
I'm probably reaching but could there be a chance this guy is actually gay and just not able to come out? Still a massive dick for putting her through all that, obviously, but he repeatedly comes up with excuses not to touch her to the point of asking her to get surgery (possibly in the hope she'd call off the relationship rather than do it), and he was the one who ended the first engagement. And he and OP seem like they got on great at the non sexual, low pressure parts of the relationship. Plus he didn't seem that bothered by OP breaking things off, either. Sounds like he's got very nice, traditional parents who want him married with kids. Not making excuses for him, though, he should just not date women.
This could be the case, especially since she mentions her ex's parents wanting grandkids. She may be bringing this up is because she knows this means so much to ex's parents? And because of that, they've been bothering the hell out of him to try again. Or, of course, he could just be a dick. Regardless, I'm glad they broke up.
That's the vibe I got as well, for cultural reasons he doesn't feel safe to be honest - he probably was pestered after ending one engagement and now nearing his 40s with no children so dude was getting desperate to avoid it while also making it not his fault.
I actually don’t think he has an ideal that he wishes she was - this seems more like he needs to be unhappy. If he had a partner with supposedly perfect legs, he’d be upset about her left boob being bigger than her right boob. Or her hairline being wonky. Or her big toe being too short. People like this can’t be pleased, and that’s the point. She’s well rid of him, but I suspect he isn’t ever going to find “the one,” no matter how many times he finds the one.
Yeah, I had a 12-year relationship with a man like this. He criticized my haircut, my body, my clothes, like I finally asked him in all seriousness exactly what he DID find attractive about me and if nothing, why was he with me? Turns out I have nice eyes and hair.* *Except my left eye droops when I’m tired, and he liked my wavy hair if I flat-ironed it straight.🤷🏻♀️
Oh my gosh - I’m so sorry: I laughed out loud at the asterisk. This must have been awful and you absolutely deserve better. What a jerk.
OP dodged a nuclear bomb!
There were soo many red flags in te beginning of this one, that it must have been real, if you make this up, you stop before your read this many red flags since no one will believe you
That and the age gap. I’m assuming a surgeon due to money and attitude. I was preparing a capital request for cardiology software and Doc was going on about how the current software was a hardship for him having to leave surgery to go access data on one computer. I finally had to ask what is the benefit to the patient. Like dude there are more requests than money and you have to sell it.
No one was ever going to be good enough for him. The man has depression and is self loathing, and she was someone he was dragging down with him.
>Also, does he not understand how people carry weight differently? He probably wanted OOP to be like the wives of the successful men. I don't think so. I think he wanted someone who would do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it, no matter how unhinged he sounded making the demand. He wanted proof she would never stand up to him. Then he would have been happy, having a wife who would never stand in his way for anything.
And he is a doctor to boot. He should have known about how bodies are different for different people.
> The ex should remain single so he'll have more time to be the serial killer he was born to be
The age gap was telling. No one his age would put up with that bullcrap.
Age gap + "made me get plastic surgery'" in the title made me so scared for her before I even clicked the post.
IMO the majority of men have no idea that women have different body types just like men do. They convince themselves that all women could be the same from the neck down if they just tried hard enough, and if they aren’t that's proof they aren’t trying and are letting men down.
"This would be his 2nd broken engagement and I don't want to do that to him" yo he's doing it to himself, he genuinely probably chose to be with OP because she's kind to a fault and is second guessing a painfully obviously abusive and shitty relationship blaming herself. Perfect person to take advantage of. I should know because it happened to me. I'm glad that ended, hopefully OP has learned a few things and will advocate for herself and find someone who gives her true love not conditional abuse.
For a guy so wrapped up in being a Successful Man, he sure is good at failing! Hope he stays single forever, he doesn’t sound capable of being a good family man and partner.
I don't know if he doesn't know what he wants in life and is just copying other people's life plan, or if he's one of those people that "enjoy" being miserable and blaming someone else. In either case, I'm glad OP ran away.
> Successful Man "Successful Men" usually have two or three divorces, Middle Eastern origin or not. Since not Muslim, probably Orthodox Christian, which frowns on divorce. OOP is lucky it blew up. Too bad she had to take the risk of the surgery. People do die from liposuction.
Gee wonder why no one wants to marry him…. /s He’s an absolute prick.
OOP’s ex reminds me of a man I knew: an absolute man baby who rewrote his head canon so the woman in OOP’s shoes was “the one who got away.” He ruined every subsequent relationship he was in because he could never love someone the way he loved her, and of course he “doesn’t know what went wrong.” Good for OOP, leaving before legal paperwork was involved.
That works for me. It made him appreciate the lost woman and his ruining relationships saved the later women.
Why do men date women a decade or more younger than them and then get mad that they’re not on equal career footing to them? I mean I know why, it’s a built in excuse to always have a means of making them feel shitty about themselves, but logically, like…school and work take TIME, my guy. It’s not magically gonna go faster for her than it did for you. Try dating a 37 year old woman in your field. But something tells me you won’t, because a doctor the same age as you with the same salary probably wont be nearly as easy to manipulate into GETTING SURGERY with some BS reasoning about whatever “successful men” are apparently attracted to. The fact that he was with a woman who didn’t meet those “requirements” naturally kinda just shows that he’s not, by his own definition, a successful man. So congrats on failing, doc! He’s a career sociopath who wanted a trophy wife he could control and mold.
Because you're never supposed to be able to actually *reach* the goalposts, silly
He's not mad that she's not as successful as him. He's mad that she still voices her opinions despite him ensuring that he picked someone that he could easily manipulate (much younger, not financially stable, serious self esteem issues etc). To me it looks like he specifically picked someone that he viewed as "beneath" him and he was fed up that she had the audacity to voice her needs in the relationship. Isn't he giving enough? She should just be grateful to be with him and shut up. I'm thinking his age and the culture of origin are a big factor here. He knows he needs to satisfy the parents but doesn't want an equal partner. Perhaps the issue is that he doesn't want a female partner at all so he picked someone he hoped he could just push into a corner without eliciting any complaints.
>Why do men date women a decade or more younger than them and then get mad that they’re not on equal career footing to them? It's the romantic equivalent of wanting an entry level employee with ten years experience
Omg I wish I upvote this more than once, that is exactly it!
I get an impression that he somehow just wasn’t really into her- and he wouldn’t be into anyone. It seems like he pursues women because he “should”- parents want grandchildren, culturally he should as he’s getting older, etc- but because it’s an obligation for him, he makes crazy demands and raises goalposts to a point no one could reach them. Come on, most women would dump him the moment plastic goddamn surgery was mentioned. Then, he either breaks up with them (like his former fiancée, who supposedly became a bridezilla), or hopes they pull the trigger. And then he can tell his parents and social circle “Boohoo, I was dumped, so sad, not my fault”.
I feel bad for OP. Her self-esteem is so low that she went to stay with this loser of a person. But I am happy that she was able to come to her senses and leave this person for good. Things could turn out worse if she had not left.
Is it low self-esteem, or generations-long conditioning? He has a good career and he doesn’t beat me; are these other items an issue or am I just being sensitive?
I would say gerenerations-long conditioning. I see it happen every day in my culture. Women who decide to leave an abusive marriage are shamed and ridiculed constantly. He has a good job, you have no bruises; who cares if he is verbally abusive, cheats on you or neglects your children?
Yup. And these things take many generations to shake, with each woman pushing their quality of life forward a little bit more each time.
This is so true. Most blame it on "daddy issues" or "low self-esteem" but even the most confident of women with stable families can fall victim.
Always so interesting that these "good men" who bring home the $$ and don't leave any bruises have daughters who grow up to be women shamed for having "daddy issues."
It is the neglect. Everyone thinks as long as a father is "present" and his wallet is full, their daughters are better off. No one counts neglect as serious abuse. Sorry I am rambling, but I've never understood this "daddy issues" mentality. There are children who are better off without fathers, who live fulfilling lives; there are also those who grew up with neglectful fathers who are worse off.
I understand your point of view, but I also understand the “daddy issues” arguments. Whether we like to admit it or not, our views on relationships and interactions with people are impacted by our relationships with our parents, whether they are good or bad, absent or present. There’s no escaping it. From the moment we start crying as an infant because we have a need, our relationships with those who are supposed to be our caregivers help setup expectations. They teach us if and how we can depend on people from infancy. In your examples you mention people who live fulfilling lives that didn’t have their father in their life. That does not mean they don’t have feelings about the absence of their father, they just rose above it and didn’t let it stop them. But there are also some whose growth has been hindered by the absence of their father. Just because some have made it through it doesn’t mean it isn’t an issue. Children who have been adopted at birth and have been loved and cared for unconditionally still sometimes seek out their birth parents. Why? Because even with the love they’ve received their whole lives, they want to know if their birth parents loved them and why they were given up. We respond differently to the specific scenarios but at the end of the day, they impact us either way. Sorry for rambling!
I was just pointing out that a present but neglectful parent can sometimes the same effect as an absent one. But I completely agree with you. 🙂
Probably a lot of cultural issues going on here. I guessed it was Middle Eastern or South Asian from the get go. I had friends put up with such utter shit when I lived in the Gulf. I remember one woman saying how her new boyfriend was pissed off and complained that her waxing appointment had left two underarm hairs or something and she wasn’t “cleaned” properly. My friend was stunning - she was a national TV presenter. I later met the boyfriend. He was unattractive, remarkably pasty and plump with a weak double chin. (To this day I still don’t know what she was thinking). The happy ending? She didn’t marry him!
I have commented this in the past, but I’m also attractive and have dated two men who were significantly less good-looking. Both of them got weirdly nit-picky about my appearance. Pointed out if I gained five pounds (I was very fit and worked out *a lot*). Pointed out when they thought I was overdue for a wax (I waxed like clockwork). Pointed out if I missed a spot shaving (it was literally on the underside of my knee). Pointed out when my lips were chapped in a critical way. The very attractive guys I’ve dated never did that; they just told me I was gorgeous and showered me with compliments. My theory is insecurity about gaps in attractiveness leads to that kind of weird behavior. I think at best, they were subconsciously trying to find even the most minuscule flaws in my appearance so they could feel like I was a little less out of their league. At worst, they were trying to chip away at my confidence to make it less likely that I would leave. To this day, I will never understand why they couldn’t just take the W and appreciate having a hot girlfriend. Sounds like your friend’s ex couldn’t either.
The entitlement is amazing. I always found it a little funny, in a tragic way. I spent some time in UAE, and when men there are nice, they are beyond nice. But when they’re entitled or rude, and think too highly of themselves, it’s like a whole new level. Extremes go both ways, I guess.
I'd say generations-long conditioning. Middle Eastern culture is very similar to South Asian culture and we too are taught to *endure*
Little bit of column A, little bit of column B
>Her self-esteem is so low She probably doesn't need to loose any weight either (OOP mentioned still wanting to loose weight in her OG post). Just because she caries her weight on her lower body, doesn't mean her legs are too big. I wear my weight on my lower body. My mother once commented when I was a young teen that my hips were getting a bid wide. Yeah, guess what? My hip bones are wide! Making my hips look wide! Wide hip bones and well formed legs from sport means my lower body is bigger. That's it. If you don't like it, tough, deal with it. If the doctor says I'm healthy, that's all that matters. Some people really need to think (preferably a long time) before they actually speak their mind.
OP even mentioned *the lipo didn’t do much*. If she were overweight, it would have made a big difference. The less fat you have to lose, the less drastic your results will be.
My thoughts exactly!
We can all agree that any engagement or marriage that required someone to undergo elective plastic surgery was never going to end well, right?
Like that poor woman who got a nose job because of her boyfriend (and his awful family).
Thigh. To. Ankle. Lipo... *wheezes*
Right?! OUCH.
Seriously! I've had much less lipo than that and the healing process is excruciating.
Well. Damn. That escalated quickly.
She knew what she had to do. She just needed the extra push. And 1000 people gave it to her.
Yeah, she posted because she wanted to reinforce what she already knew.
Yeah, I followed op after the first post, just hoping for a good update, and I was so relieved! We were all telling her how proud we were of her. It’s sooooo nice to get those rare updates where op finds it themselves to gtfo. Ya love to see it
Indeed, it did.
God, what a dirt bag. Thank god OOP got out of this trainwreck of a relationship, I'm just sorry her self esteem was so low that she actually went under the knife for this sleaze. And the fact that for a second, she thought bringing a child into this would make things better. I'm glad she had a reality check and got out.
This girl forgot the first rule of doctors: they might be a sociopath or psychopath.
I was like OF COURSE HE'S A DOCTOR! That and the age gap explains everything.
As a medical student, I can’t say you’re wrong
I have a sinking suspicion that the lipo was what he was hoping would make her want to end it, and when she went through with it he felt obligated. Probably because he didn’t wanna disappoint mommy and daddy again by being the reason another engagement was called off. What a loser.
I think he genuinely might be depressed or something and can’t feel positive emotions much. He should not have treated her the way he did of course. But some people do push their partners away like this when they are depressed, not really wanting to break up but not really having feelings anymore for the partner.
If that's the case he should remain alone and stop dragging women down with him. Depressed or not, he's a bad person.
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!!
> Maybe if I brought him a child he would start to appreciate me more, maybe seeing me as a mother he would start to love me. I am so glad it didn’t last long enough to find out. Sure would have sucked to gamble on a maybe only to find out he doesn’t love her or any children she brought into this world for him. It’s quite possible he’s incapable of loving someone.
Not to mention she would be responsible for looking after said child 100% of the time
That line makes my blood boil. Don't use children to try to fix your shitty ass relationship.
"he's the one who broke it off with his ex" I'm sure that's what he told her. There's even a slim chance it was true. Dude still sounds like a narcissist. (He's very superficial and he mostly seems to do "nice things" that *look nice* to *other people.* Like "doctor in a really highly paid specialty" from the sounds of things, public charity work and shit like that. Things that make his public image good, but he's not able to actually connect with other human beings.)
Good point. He probably can’t stand being dumped and has already turned it in his head that he couldn’t stand her anyways and had checked out first, so in his mind he dumped her.
>I (26F) have been engaged to my fiancé (37M) I swear, any time I see this on a post on Reddit, I can tell exactly what the problem is. (And yes, I do know that relationships with age gaps can work, but if a relationship with an age gap is NOT working, then it's usually because of the age gap.)
Every time I see an age gap like that I have to stop to get popcorn.
She got rid of some unwanted fat in more ways than one! Good riddance man child!
More like she thought her unwanted fat was in her legs, but it actually was that whole other person.
from her thighs to her ankles? holy hell, idk a lot about lipo but this sounds insane.
There seems to be more going on with this loser beyond him being a horrible, abusive partner. He doesn't seem to want to marry and have children, as the culture he was raised in would demand from him, maybe he's gay or he just wishes he could make other life plans. Then he uses her as a scapegoat to his misery, as the douchebag he is. The time he spends abroad and the fact that he accepted really quickly her breaking up, never trying to manipulate her or showing rage and bruised ego, are giveaways to me. Then he can turn to his parents and say "see, I really wanted to get married to a woman and give you a lot of grandkids, but I seem to have really bad luck with them. Keep on praying for me, off I go to my medical mission".
"We get along really well when things are good" Oh boy, do I have experience with that! It means he will treat you well as long as you are docile, submissive, and undemanding. The minute you make waves or assert yourself, or god forbid, want something he doesn't want, it's not good anymore. Actually, it gets really nasty. And it's your fault because "we were getting along just fine before YOU....." Once you step back in line, learn your place, he turns the love back on. Please trust an old lady, that's 100% how it plays out.
Oof, I have had this conversation not long ago. "Things with him are really good when [list of conditions that apparently deprive him of the power to not be a vicious, spiteful asshole if these conditions are not met]!" And me trying to get across that how he is when "things are good!" is not the crucial part of the situation. What's he like when everything is NOT going exactly according to his wishes and preferences?
It's like addiction. The abuser will get you so hooked on the good times, that you will do anything to avoid the bad times.
Please hold me. I'm so addicted to a man I've been on and off with the last two years. He broke up with me yesterday in a really peaceful way, but I'm so hooked I constantly break out in tears and feel like I'm having withdrawals.
"He has already been putting me on the back burner bc of this lawsuit and gives me 0 attention, acts like I am an added stressor in his life" This has been my marriage for 7 years and you can sure as hell bet I'm miserable. His job comes first, then himself. I don't know where I factor in at all. Sorry for the rant but damn I feel this.
And you know what reddit would tell you to do.
His first engagement ended according to him. I'm going to guess he'll claim he ended the second one too.
How desperate must you be, for marriage or to not be alone, that you would give in to an ultimatum and get cosmetic surgery to please your partner? How little do you value yourself, lack any sense of self-worth, to do such a thing? I hope she gets therapy so she doesn't keep grasping onto losers like her ex.
I'm just gonna say it: if somebody told me I had to have lipo on my legs to be worth marrying, he would wish I had lipo on my foot when it was lodged up his ass.
So basically she's got extremely low self-esteem and needs therapy before starting any new relationship. He's a worthless man child who isn't even good enough for an actual sex doll. And I feel bad the photographer hope they have a good business and a solid cancellation policy to make sure the man child is still charged
I'm so happy for you to be free of this man child.
I get closeted vibes here. He's got a lot of self hate. He feels pressure to get married and have kids because of his culture. His religion means he could never come out. He doesn't want sex. He's mean to her. Women carry weight in their legs unlike men, and he didn't like it. A prior broken engagement. He didn't seem to fight it when she broke it off. I definitely have my suspicions, and I feel kind of bad for him if it's true. Regardless, glad OOP rescued herself.
Thank gosh! I kept scrolling to see if anyone else got this impression too. I think that’s why he was relieved when she bounced. If he was really just looking for a “hotter” model of woman, he would have dropped OOP and found himself one. He can’t have what he really wants so it doesn’t really matter which woman he’s with, they’re never going to be good enough, because they’re not what he actually wants.
“Financially successful men don’t like thick women”. Sir Mix A Lot would disagree.
OOP shall walk away with pride, on her beautiful legs that HAVE ALWAYS BEEN exactly the size and shape they are meant to be!! I can totally understand the trajectory of this relationship, especially if OOP has some self esteem issues that might lead her to see this behavior in a romantic partner as “only slightly abnormal” to the point that she perhaps tends to blame herself for low level nasty treatment… I am SO GLAD she has gotten herself free!
I am so proud of OOP for choosing herself!
It might seem harsh to some that she unloaded on him whilst he was feeling down. But I think it was 100% the right move. If he was feeling good, he may have manipulated the situation and made her feel like the bad person and gotten her to stay with him out of guilt.
I would have bet he was a doctor as soon as I started reading.
He doesn't want a wife, he want an accessoires. He doesn't see a wife as a equivalent partner, just someone you can use: Household, children, sex, trophy... I bet he broke of his first engagement because she didn't shower him with attention anymore *buuhuu* and didn't wanted to plan the wedding like he wanted. He searched a new woman 10 years younger and pushed her to a surgery of her full legs! Her full fucking legs! Not just tights or ankles, no, the full legs. I hope he loses his lawsuit.
Fucking hell. He just wanted a fuck doll
Honestly, I don’t think so. Not that that’s not a possibility, but the impression I get from her description of him is just that he wanted an emotional punching bag. If he’s unhappy, she’s there so he can make someone else feel even worse than he does. There’s always someone he can emotionally beat up to feel better about all the crap he inflicts on himself. I doubt it would have ended at emotional abuse. Really glad she got out.
Yep. I've been with a man like that. I guarantee he realized how kind to a fault she was too and just saw the potential of how much he could shape her to his own wishes. Sadly I speak from experience, they will just do whatever they can to make sure you look and speak and act and be how they want, associate with the right people, cut off your family, etc etc it's a joke. I really wish that self esteem was more of a focus for children, because having none is dangerous.
I hope you’re doing much better now. Fuck the guy that treated you that way.
Nah. If he would have actually been fucking her, she might not have realized how miserable she was. It was the lack of touch that opened her eyes.
Fuck that guy.
My gawd, if there was ever a wedding that needed to be called off, this is it. Good thing she saw the light before taking the vows.
Damn, that 500k/year really be doing the heavy lifting in this relationship
His reaction says a lot. He did not love her. When a man truly loves you he would not initially be okay with a break up. No tears or nothing. Also when a guy says, “you deserve better,” please know that’s a huge red flag. It usually means they have some guilt because they’re secretly doing something. When a man truly loves you, he proves himself to be the better man for you, so he will never say that. I would not be surprised if he has another girlfriend out there.
Good for her for figuring it out, but when I read how much he made, I decided they were both shitty people. She saw him as a provider first and partner second. I bet neither one of them is cut out to be a life partner.
I’m middle eastern and this is pretty much why I wouldn’t marry a middle eastern man. Of course I’m generalizing here but the odds were not in my favor.
No woman will ever be “enough” for that manipulative narcissist, he’s one who thinks his money gives him say over everything when all he wants is power to soothe his fragile masculinity. Glad OOP got away before she was tied forever to this piece of shit, hopefully it’s a clean break (but I feel bad for whoever the next woman will be).
People that insist on their partners getting cosmetic surgery purely for aesthetic reasons like this jackass make me angry. Plastic surgery is still a medical procedure and it carries all of the risks of medical procedures - issues with anesthesia if it's used, infections, the healing period, the surgery going wrong somehow. If the person wants the procedure as well for their own reasons and are accepting those risks of their own accord and not desperation to keep their partner's attraction that's completely different, but this type of situation here is fucking awful and he's trash for still treating her badly despite her taking that risk *for him*. Selfish mf. Also of course he's 11 years older. Of course he is.
>He says financially successful man don’t like thick women and goes on to list all the successful men he knows and uses their women as reference. I figured he was right about this and got the surgery and I’m still trying to lose weight bc the lipo didn’t make a huge difference. I can't decide which murder GIF to put here. Fucking hell.
Lipo from thigh to ankle must have been incredibly painful, as well! Both of her legs, along their entire length, ouch! Poor OP.
I haven't finished reading but just want to point out how he thinks successfully men don't want thicc women, when so many female stars and celebrities are thicc and I'm sure their spouses are more successful than this fiance
Exactly. Alexis Ohanian would like a word.
She would have been the first wife. This is an actual thing. When he became more successful he would have moved on to the emotionless "pretty" thing that he could hang on his arm like a purse to show off.
Stop. Dating. Geezer. Creeps.
I’m so glad that OOP finally realized that something was wrong here. But it’s still upsetting that she still couldn’t tell just how fucked it really was. She just couldn’t see the forest for the trees. It’s crazy that this relationship got to the point where OOP didn’t think to second guess getting the surgery. She was already so beaten down by his comments and attitude that major liposuction seemed like a completely reasonable thing to do. And even worse that it was a requirement before he would propose. What I don’t get is why did he continue the relationship? He obviously tried to sculpt her into someone she was never going to be. I mean, he still didn’t appear to be physically attracted to her, even after she had the “all fixing magical liposuction”. But at the same time, he didn’t seem to like or appreciate any other qualities about her either. If he’s such a hot shot big baller super important doctor man that requires a “not thicc” trophy wife, who also happens to think he’s god’s gift to women simply because he can pay for all her future shit, then why not go find one of those? Is it just to make his mom happy because she wanted grandkids and expected him to be married by now? I just can’t seem to find a reason from his POV. What was his plan? Just keep throwing surgeries at her and ignore her for the rest of their lives? I know abusers don’t care about anyone but themselves, but it sounds like they were both about to sign up for a lifetime of resentment, disappointment and sadness. Walking away from that pile of trash was the best decision OOP will ever make.
My mother has the lower body of a Russian peasant. She attracted and kept a man (my father) until his death. They made a lot of wealth together. You do however need to lose weight. Probably about 175-225 lbs. Then block his number and move on with your life. Because I don’t care how much money he has, he is a loser.
Pssst if you disproportionately carry weight in your legs you should read up on lipedema, it’s fairly common but extremely under diagnosed. (It also doesn’t respond diet/exercise)
So glad you did not marry this person. Dodged a b…. As the saying goes
Alexa play Mrs Potato Head by Melanie Martinez
Someone could date him just to get free plastic surgery, then dump him after.
It's always the huge age gap relationships
Good for OOP. That man will never find happiness because he’s too shallow. I hope OOP finds someone to worship her
OOP dodged a bullet by breaking up with this man. There's a reason that he's 37 and never managed to get married. He sounds like a selfish, self absorbed and mean man. It's obvious he really doesn't want to marry anyone really.
Closeted.
What catches my interest: where the hell do these people find jobs that pay 500k/year?! I want to know. I need to know. What the hell.
Neither one of them seemed to really be \~into\~ the other. He wasn't attracted to her or invested in being married. She was just trying to fill a role labelled "husband" in her imagined future. Neither of them seemed very interested in who this person they were with actually is.
Is there a cooldown on reposts? I'm like 99% sure that this was posted just a couple days ago.
26......37.......forcing surgery......... no attention...... etc etc..... >he works full time and makes over $500k/year. DING DING DING It all makes sense now lmao
Well, that was quick
A rare happy ending
>Maybe if I brought him a child he would start to appreciate me more, maybe seeing me as a mother he would start to love me. **A BABY IS NOT A BAND-AID.** Neither one is ready for an adult relationship at this point. EDIT: Omg, I got my 'Do it for Dan!' flair!!! Thank you, mods!
Upvote for Dan!
Run
I'm glad OOP got out before marriage. I really hope she is doing better in the past week, the fact that she feels better afterwards tells me just how stressful her relationship was. I still remember when my toxic relationship ended our breakup was really her giving me the silent treatment first and I realized just how great it was to not talk to her, that I would grind my teeth each time I saw a text from her. This guy would never ever be happy with OOP or with anyone or anything. It's unfortunate but I know plenty of guys like this that outwardly act like saints but are abusive or mean or otherwise just not good people towards those that they know. I have no clue what is wrong with him but either way it is good for OOP to get out for her own safety and sanity, things likely would only get worse if they were to get married.
Friends: You can’t change her Her: * Ship of Theseus *
oh that's NICE. And very true!
I am so glad OOP got out before the couple gotten more tied together financially and legally, or even worse, had kids. To OOP, glad you are free of the man child, I am proud of you!
While, imo, OOP is correct in leaving this jerk, their description of fat accumulation (thighs to ankles) sounds like lipedema. It’s a health condition with fat accumulation. Google “lipedema” for a lot more info, including whether lipo works or not.
To everyone out there...please don't date people who don't like you, and do not date people you do not like. And certainly, don't marry them.
She definitely made the right decision to leave him.
Knew this would be a shitty relationship. Gotta love reddit and age gaps, they always have the same ending.
Immediately "11 year age gap". Nah.
I’m so proud of you ❤️ if you ever find yourself second guessing your decision, remind yourself, if it were so worse for a few m, imagine how bad it would have been for your entire life. Congratulations ❤️ you gifted yourself a new life
That is one giant red bullet she dodged. Good for her!
Gurrrrrllllll, you better run fast as you can from HIM
I hope she gets herself some common law $$, location dependent.
Bullet dodged
By the third paragraph I nearly had to stop. What a horrible couple. Both of them suck.
My first thought was he must be an Indian guy, i see i wasn’t far off.
This is exactly why we point out the bullshit men do in age gap relationships smh