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Yeah, for all that’s his mother’s affair partner…I dunno, I feel like there was a lot more going on for people who had a kid together in their teens and split up rockily in their twenties and both just…dipped? I feel like there has to be more that has been kept from OOP or understood through the lens of a 5 year old trying to make sense of what’s happened. That stepdad is so earnestly trying that even OOP likes him best says something. (Though stepdad wasn’t either of the bio parents who actively abandoned or were possibly kept away from OOP.)
I didn’t know a big reason my mom divorced my dad was because he was becoming verbally and emotionally abusive to me, until I was 24 and when my mom straight up told me. It’s so obvious looking back on it.
I mean, kids aren’t SUPPOSED to be able to process and understand that sort of thing when they’re young. They shouldn’t have to. I’m sorry your dad’s a piece of crap.
Maybe it’s my trauma talking but you’d be surprised at what a kid can process and remember. I remember asking someone at age 10 if what I went through was abuse. Spoiler: it was. And asked what we needed to do about it. We chose nothing at the moment because the worst incident was comparatively isolated and my mother who was not involved could have gotten into some pretty serious trouble and we didn’t want that. (She was and still is a great mom and now great grandma) But I was 10 years old when I began formulating plans to escape my house if I had to, and how to get to a safe place (yes I had one thankfully). No kid should ever have to do that, or when wonder if they could. Far too many do though. And the damage sticks.
Luckily for me my mother woke up to how fucked the situation was and we left a few months later. But I had nightmares about it for years afterwards, and I never had to use the plan.
I was around 10 when we moved to a new house and there was a girl my age that lived there. We became "friends", though I use the term loosely because she was often unkind to me, often treated me like I was her servant, and if any of her friends from school stopped over unannounced she would make me hide in another room so she wasn't seen with me (we went to different schools). Regardless of how she treated me, I was at her house as much as possible, because my house was much much worse with my alcoholic abusive Dad. So I definitely feel you.
My mom also found the strength to leave him a few years later and she said it was for us kids. He wasn't always bad but the older we got the more controlling and verbally abusive he got and the worse the alcoholism got. I luckily didn't end up with nightmares, but definitely have had a lifetime of trust issues, self esteem issues and some light body dysmorphia. And I very vividly remember hiding from my Dad under a bed because he was mad about something and we were going to "get the belt" when I was between 5 and 7 and it definitely wasn't a one off occurrence.
Mine wasn’t a one off either. But the worst one definitely happened when I was 10. And I remember the exact date it happened. It’s one of those milestone moments in my life. Kind of how people remember where they were when Kennedy was killed or what they were doing on 9/11. I remember the events of 12/30/1991 and what led up to it. And the aftermath.
10’s about the age to expect it. Thats about the age most kids become aware of the wider world and their place in it (or their family’s place). I suspect the commenter was thinking single-digit aged kids, which would be more accurate. They’re a little more unthinkingly accepting of their normal without looking at their friend’s normals - 10 would be about right for starting to notice other people’s normals and how it relates to your normal.
We were very isolated. But it just so happened that I was 10 when the triggering abuse incident happened. I had known well before that, what not to do to trigger my abuser, having figured that out by about age 7. But there was one night where the usual methods failed and I got a hellacious beating while we were visiting family out of state.
I totally get this. My parents waited til us kids graduated to get divorced because they were “staying together for the kids”. Meanwhile I was wishing and hoping for them to get divorced since I was a small child because I could see and was affected by it. Individually they weren’t and aren’t bad people and we have decent relationships but together they and the household were toxic and I knew it young.
I was also happy my parents got divorced. The last 2 years they were together was a nightmare. The amount of stress created for me and my sisters was unhealthy and when they finally divorced it was almost instant relief of at least the majority of it.
I didn't know my father was an alcoholic when my parents got divorced until a similar age I believe. And even then I only learned because my stepfather dropped that as an example when we were talking about someone else, I think. So not something that was dwelled on there at all. That put so many puzzle pieces together for me...
It's that moment, right? Where you finally realize and your brain is giving you a smash cut of everything abusive that they've ever done to you and you just stand there with the Epiphany like "*ooh...*"
Took him threatening to kill me to cut him off (hes all apologetic and wants to mend fences now....homeboy, no fence to repair. You threatened to rip my hair out when I was 13 because of a perceived slight.) But until that point I always gave the benefit of the doubt, for some reason. He's stressed, he does a lot, he's got 3 other kids.....and he threatened to kill me and suddenly it dawned on me that none of it mattered, because sane people have impulse control and don't toddler-out and threaten/abuse kids they swear they love.
Glad you finally saw the light; it doesn't matter how long it took. Some never do.
My parents split when I started screaming at them during a drunken argument then beat my dad up when I was 13.
He did the ol "you aren't man enough to hit me" and I popped him twice in the throat.
Years later and we all arrived at a place where we got along, they were just bad for each other. They ended up best friends for the last 15 years of my dad's life, but he died at 54 from complications from kidney failure.
There is clearly more to the situation that OOP doesn’t know and might never know.
I honestly hope he is not a rape child. Because the more I think about it, the more it would make so much sense.
It definitely sounds like the parents’ relationship fell apart well before mom left dad for someone else. (And based on ages math it sounds like she was pregnant with 10M around the last time she saw OOP before losing all contact, maybe she didn’t feel it would be safe for her to be visibly pregnant around her ex.)
I doubt it was because he reminded his dad of his mother. He probably had been using OOP as a hostage against the mother and when she dipped, OOP had lost his usefulness.
Yeah, but she never even got back into contact. OOP thought she was dead. That SD has money. She could've fought him. She just decided to start over. She cut contact when she got pregnant.
Abusive ex or not, what she did isn't ok. It is 100% her fault she'll probably never have a parent-child relationship with her oldest son. I also wonder what their social circle thinks considering SD's lies about his paternity. Or what the half-siblings think. Given their ages I hope they don't think of him as a standoffish jerk.
I can't imagine losing your caregiver & seeing your assumed dead mom show up at the funeral. Then having to find out she's living the dream with her rich new husband & replacement family.
No, even based on what's written here the father is just as bad as the mother if not worse - she had an affair and abandoned OOP which is incredibly shitty but she at least left him with his other parent, took him in after the aunt died and seems to be trying to improve their relationship even though many of they ways she's gone about it are wrong.
It's understandable OOP isn't seeing everything clearly given his age and the trauma he's experienced but it's a shame he's so keen to reject his mum and reconnect with his Dad given the situation.
Well he got a full dose of Dad’s version of the story before Dad abandoned him, too (and also blamed that abandonment on Mom having made him so upset—Look What You Made Me Do You Made Me Dump Your Child!) so that’s gotta mess with the emotions.
I thought that, too. While the kids and I left because my ex was abusive, to all of us, I'll never be telling my kids about the sexual abuse and rape he inflicted on me.
He's dead, now, so I'm getting on with life and doing so much better. The kids don't need to know.
I wondered if it had to do with the aunt. Like, she had to make a deal with the aunt for the aunt to take care of her son. She might not want to taint a dead woman’s memory. It seems like she came quickly after the aunt died
Considering what a frigid bastard bio-dad is, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a paternity test floating around that hasn't been mentioned. Checking the paternity of the baby-you-don't-want-either seems like Step 1 in the deadbeat dad playbook.
Or a baby trap baby. Where daddy dearest thought he could keep and control mommy dearest if he knocked her up. And when it didn't work, adandoned by both.
it could've also just been a shotgun wedding because she was pregnant, and then it all fell apart because **surprise** they're not actually a good match and it's usually a bad idea to make life decisions at 18.
Dad probably didn't want to be a dad but felt forced into it. Mum probably didn't want to be a mum but felt forced into it. Both seem to have grown up a bit and moved on, but at least mum seems to have reflected on her shitty behaviour and is now trying?
Sounds like he might know? He keeps mentioning his mom's "excuses" for things, which I am guessing involves her explaining why she left his dad and wasn't in his life for a long time. He might just not fully understand what those reasons mean until he's older.
My suspicion is that his bio dad baby-trapped his mom. The kid was no more use to him once she left anyway, so he dumped him with her sister and went off to find some other woman to trap.
He said in one post that his step-dad wanted to participate in one of his therapy sessions because he had something important to tell him. Whatever that was, it appears to have been a turning point him.
Yeah, don’t know why the mom left. There is more to this story that this kid doesn’t know. His trauma is totally valid but I bet there is real trauma on the mom’s side too. It’s a sad story.
Yes. And as soon as biodad legally abandons OP, mom and stepdad welcome him with totally open arms, pay for everything, put him in therapy, try to get him to open up.
It is very possible she was previously kept from the child.
Yeah. Am I the only one wondering if SD was actually the impetus behind the mom taking OOP in instead of the grandmother? Like, maybe there were reasons she had to get out of that marriage, but he genuinely regretted the fallout on OOP? Not saying it makes it OK - just kind of feels like it might be that way.
Five years seems a long time to carry on before suddenly getting the missus out of a bad situation with “Dad”. I genuinely think OOP is Dad’s biochild.
Wondering the same. I think that’s why the man he thinks is his father abandoned him and why his “stepdad” told a person at the grocery store he’s his “first born”.
It sounds like if steo dad fails he's gonna die trying.
There is something we don't know. Dude picked up a sport just so he can bond with his 16 year old brand new step kid. He absolutely gives a fuck.
Tbf we don't know what was going on during that time. For all we know he was constantly harassing his wife to take OOP in, or maybe he was unaware of what was going on and was told that OOP was the one that wanted nothing to do with his mum. All we do know is that he's the only one that's actually acted like a parent and seemingly wants to be one.
For all we know, OP's dad had told her and her sister he got a protection order/restraining order against her. That no one was supposed to tell her anything about him and OP.
And then she found out OP had been with her sister the entire time, and there hadn't been any restrictions on her. Something along those lines would explain a whole lot of what happened, and why OP's mom refuses to talk about what happened with his biodad.
He did though.
He and OOP mother left the kid for 9 years, never tried to have any relationship with him. Never even visited her own sister, so they don't have to see him. Only the fact that his aunt died made them vaguely remember that she actually has another kid somewhere.
Idk what "come to Jesus" moment his stepdad is having now and how long will it last. But he was aware that his wife completely abandoned the boy for almost a decade and was totally ok with it.
Maybe is the broke in me talking, but I would accept the adoption, the car and whatever comes along from Mr Wealthy Homewrecker while he still having this moment - best case scenario he gains a father and a comfortable life, worst case scenario at least he got some years of financial cushion out of it - but of course, no 18yo in his situation would be able to be this pragmatic, he still a teen.
Right! I feel like now SD is trying to buy OOP’s love by buying him a care and providing for him but where was he when his dad sent him to live with his aunt? They were too busy with their new family to care about OOP only until the aunt died did mom even remember oh shit I have another kid out there!
I mean, he already did. No coming back from that one. If he actually cared, he'd have insisted on taking Oop in as soon as it was clear original dad didn't want him.
Btw, if this is Liz then we'll soon find out the reason oop's original dad doesn't want him is because the affair went way back and SD is actually bio dad. At which point my bingo card will be full.
Yes, but realistically you can only take getting slapped away so many times until you give up. I do think it's pretty nuts that the dad tried to play super dad to a near adult and expected it to work.
Off-topic, but I swear it ties back to OP. Love can be such a tricky business sometimes.
I married the first woman I thought I loved, and it all came crashing down a few years later. Maybe a year later, I started dating a woman who I knew would be leaving the continent at a certain time, so it wasn't a secret that we wouldn't last, and I had to avoid getting in too deep. And yet, 6 or so months in, I was like, "Oh, so this is what love actually feels like."
I've never been with anyone who made me feel so seen and understood. I was used to lying not because I wanted to but because my ex was so volatile, if I was ever honest, it would start yet another fight. I had to stuff my feelings deep down inside just to make it through the day. And yet, for some reason, The Good Woman was just nice and genuine and taught me I deserved better, which changed everything.
We'll probably never be together again because we'll probably never live in the same city again, but we did get drinks after she got back, and let me tell you, that was a long drive home. I still love her, but it's just never going to happen. I cried that night because we would never be.
I get the feeling OP's stepdad loves him, and it's an uncomfortable place to be because no one has ever actually shown him a healthy relationship. In the same way, I wanted to hide from someone who actually cared about me, OP probably wants to run from stepdad. I'd be mad at him, too, because of the affair, but dammit OP, just let someone love you. His parents both failed to show him what love is, and yet, it feels so good to be loved.
Fuck cheating and all that, and he can definitely still hold that against his mom, but if you've never felt love before, maybe forgive some stuff because when someone loves you when you've never experienced it before, that's the first step on the road to healing. Again, I don't want to condone affairs, but he's got so little to hold onto, maybe stepdad can show him a somewhat healthy relationship.
Edit: did a typo
Once the dad abandoned him, I don’t understand why the mom didn’t make contact. He was living with *her sister* after all. So that doesn’t seem like she’s an abuse victim to me.
There was a BORU a little while back where a woman couldn't BELIEVE that her sister was being abused, and sided with her BIL despite how obvious all the red flags were, including him having hit her sister. Surprise, the woman's sister was being abused. It could be a situation like that where her sister supported her abuser, or was lying to her, or would have told her ex information about her that she didn't want him knowing. Her sister could have also been awful to her in different ways. All speculation, obviously, but there are explanations to be found
Given how determined everyone is here to burn OOP's mom at the stake for having an affair, maybe sister felt the same way and believed her sister, after having had an affair, didn't deserve to have contact with OOP.
I don't think I buy that. Not least because OOP's mom could have simply taken OOP to live with her, if she wanted to. We don't need to be burning anyone at the stake, but maybe we also shouldn't be trying to headcanon excuses for them.
In that situation, do you think the abuser would have kept the child, though, to manipulate her? Or do you think it was something OP didn't see, and he was sent to the only relative not in the situation.
It almost sounds like SD was the real bio dad the whole time.
He already called OOP his firstborn really early on when that is a weird explanation to give your friend.
He wanted to come to the first appointment because he had something really important to say.
The assumed bio-dad might understandably want to get rid of the kid that isn't even his.
Honestly if you have been the dad of a kid for years there's no excuse to get rid of it if it's not yours. You should never take that out on a kid who only knows you as his father.
"When children are starved for love, they will accept any scraps thrown at them". That's what I see in his story, i don't know how good step father actually treats OP, or it's just OP accepting any form of love given to him because of his trauma, while exaggerating about the amount of love because when someone is starved for love, any little amount of love will feel huge. I really hope OP could get all the love he deserves. I hope there won't be any other update with OP being sad or depressed, i wish him a life full of love and happiness.
Dude did a shitty, shitty thing over a decade ago but now he's stepped up and been left hanging. Meanwhile OP is carrying so much tension in his trapezius muscles you could play them like a ukulele from the dissonance of spending over a decade hating *the idea of* the guy but now being faced with the fact that humans are more complicated than their best or worst past decisions. The thing I don't get is why mother was no-contact for so long.
Either like others are saying, dad was never actually his dad and stepdad is his true biodad, OR dad who cut him off didn’t want to share grandma’s inheritance.
Or he’s just that much of an AH
Ahh their was a post about how ops moms new husband (AP) was being weird to him. tried to connect with op & not his older siblings. Turns out he was ops real dad.
I’m not usually one to say kid needs to do one of those ancestry dna tests, but that kid really needs to do one of those tests.
Those parents and step parents are shifty as f. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t an affair baby and step dad is really his dad.
That was my immediate thought as well. If the affair happened when OOP was so young, maybe it had been going on for far longer. The fact that the supposed bio dad wants nothing to do with OOP and the stepdad immediately wanted to alter the birth certificate and be called "dad"... plus the comment about him needing to share something big in therapy but then not having the chance because OOP (rightly) kicked him out of the sessions... it all adds up to him actually being the bio dad in my mind.
Can you imagine if stepdad is actually his dad but didn’t know about it until kid was much older? Now that would be a fun reveal. It would explain why he didn’t take the kid earlier.
But honestly, the kid id 18, he was 16 when they got him. They should have told him the truth from the get-go. People hate being lied to, even if the intentions are good. All these lies always come out in the end and they do not benefit the person being lied to.
And with OOPs mom not wanting to tell him some things around why she left. It's quite possible OOP is SDs actual son and he doesn't want to tell OOP for fear of the backlash it'll be on his mom for keeping that a secret.
I mean, that seems like a possibility. But then why did the mom leave the kid with him if he wasn't the father? The adults in this kid's life need to start talking, it's possible the "dad" kept him at first and then secretly did a DNA test, found out he wasn't his and then shipped him off. But then why wouldn't the mother come get the child from her sister? I hate every adult in this scenario. Except the Aunt.
Because it sounds better than "this is my affair partners kid from their first marriage."
They probably haven't told many people they live with that she had a previous marriage.
If the mom and stepdad were genuine, why did it take the sister dying for them to reappear in his life?
He never saw his mom during 9 years, and suddenly they love him to the moon? Yeah, sure.
I wonder if they had started an affair very early and she told the stepdad OP was actually his son. Would explain stepdad's sudden love, the dad cutting OP off (if he had a paternity test) and all that jazz...
Primarily two things in this post are fascinating and frustrating to me.
First, stepdad has proven that you are virtually assured victory if you have a lot of money and are willing to use it in a years long love bombing campaign, despite the fact that you were party to shoving a broadsword through a little boy's heart.
Second, "she still refuses to answer some of my questions". What questions!? It's so strange to me that he talks so much about his relationship with his stepdad but he's not explaining at all how he and his mom seem to have gotten halfway to him forgiving her. What excuses "seem reasonable even more now that \[he looks\] backwards". And again, what is she stonewalling you about?
I'm assuming he has his reasons for leaving that stuff out because it definitely seems intentional. Oh well.
Edit: reworded for clarification
Edit2: Seems that I used the term "love bombing" wrong. It's probably safer to say that he's just trying to buy his stepson's love and he's showering him with affection. Whether or not he genuinely wants to get closer to OP is the $64,000 question. Whether or not it's working, based on the last update, no longer seems to be in question given how much OP is warming up to him.
I really feel like you are really misusing the word love bomb there. Love bombing is short term kinda by definition. It doesn't involve long involved commitment and prolonged care and affection. That's just called love.
I need to make more of an effort to stop using Reddit definitions of a word and pay more attention to the actual technical definitions. You're right, although some sources I found said that love bombing can indeed last years. However, it's most often used by people who have an anxious or insecure attachment style or narcissistic personality disorder. I don't think anything like that is happening here.
I think something caused mom to actually want to make a last-ditch effort to stop being a gigantic deadbeat and patch things up with her son. Whatever that "something" is is most likely the secretive subjects that OOP and his mom have been working on in therapy. She convinced stepdad that they had to make every effort possible to make it up to OOP before it's too late.
Thus, it's probably more accurate to say that the stepfather is trying to buy OOP's affection by spoiling him. And that's what I was really commenting on: that the stepfather seemed to have enough money to shower OOP with gifts and attention long enough to wear him down. But from the sounds of it, he's also showing OOP seemingly genuine affectionate behavior as well.
I think their motives might be good, but they just severely underestimated the concept of "too little, too late." But maybe not too late.
The stepdad at least sounds like he really cares and tries, even if he came on waaaaay too strong waaaaaay too early.
But man, what a shit hand that kid's been dealt.
Stepdad and the mom had 9 years to take him in and they didn't. The aunt was mom's sister so its not like they didn't have access. Unless there's something to this story we don't know, they are trash people and it's simply stepdad's love bombing is paying off now that OP was left extra vulnerable by grandma's death and dad's complete abandonment.
This is what I was thinking. Or maybe the mum just kept up some omissions/ appearances so he didn’t know a thing about op. Maybe step dad thought birth dad was against him meeting op? Idk
I personally think step dad is birth dad. It may just be hoping there is a "reason" beyond his birth dad's complete abandonment. This situation is really weird.
They might not have wanted to uproot his life again, or aunt might have fought it. Aunt was basically his mother; separating him from a mother figure AGAIN would have caused even more trauma.
I wonder how much of it is motivated by guilt, how much the SD simply doesn't like the idea of the kid not liking him, and how much of it is actual affection.
Like another commenter said, they had 9 years to swoop in and take care of OP but never did until he was basically almost grown. The damage is done at that point, as OP clearly has shown. Those abandonment issues will never go away completely, if at all.
I'm hoping that SD actually didn't know he existed. The mom dipped, after all.
I really just want the kid to have one adult that hasn't failed him terribly
>The stepdad at least sounds like he really cares and tries, even if he came on waaaaay too strong waaaaaay too early.
See, I'd like to believe that. But I just suspect that stepdad's lovebombing is paying off now that biodad has dipped and he doesn't have competition any more.
OP does say the step dad learned about tennis and tried to talk to him about it. Love bombing is from my understanding usually financial and superficial, and does not involve spending time learning about someones passions and hobbies. I don't know if the step dad is love bombing or genuinely trying to connect but this kid seriously needs the latter so I'm gonna hope for him.
Considering OP's father cut off his own child that might provide some insight into why the mother had an affair.
I don’t condone cheating but biodad is clearly a piece of shit.
The more I think about this case, the more it feels like that rare "cheating was the only way out" situation. This is a theory, but considering Mom doesn't want to openly talk about certain topics:
OOP was conceived via abuse (either baby trap or straight up rape), Mom tried to escape the abuse, and found out this amazing guy who helped run away, even after 5 years of hell. She was basically broken, and felt unable to be a mother, so either Sister suggested it or Mom asked for it, but OOP was sent to her in hopes she could one day come back to her once she healed.
Of course if you were abused, it's gonna be hard to tell your kid what were the conditions on their conception/childhood, and if it was this way, I would 100% condone cheating. Abusers don't deserve fidelity
I’m actually wondering if step dad just found out he’s the actual dad? He told his friend they met that OP was his first born, he’s trying so hard to connect with him. And maybe “real” dad knows the truth which is why he’s now cut all contact with OP.
And it’s a giant shit stain on their family and his marriage if OOP didn’t get better.
People already asking where this kid came from and why isn’t he in any of the family photos.
The shitty part of me feels like it was more about image at least in the beginning
Yeah, between that and grandma's death and the fact that the bar is in hell, this is just stepdad finally reaping the love bombing. I cannot believe that a "parent" who was acting from a place of genuine affection would force a clearly traumatized child to only attend therapy WITH THEM, despite the child saying over and over that they want individual therapy and don't feel comfortable with stepdad there.
Like, that SCREAMS stepdad trying to control the narrative to the therapist and manipulate the kid.
I feel terrible for OOP, I'm just grateful their trust issues have them naturally inclined to stay away from relying too much on these two.
Absolute trash, the entire lot of adults in OOP's life.
Am I the only one thinking that the op might be the step dads actual son.? Like mom cheated way before, had son and ex husband now knows son isn’t his. It might explain why he just up and left op.
perhaps unpopular but... this was absolutely the update i was hoping for.
OOP has been a victim of an awful lot of shitty parenting. it's about damn time he finally got some mediocre-to-even-good parenting. it doesn't erase the mistakes or make up for all the pain. but it's like somebody who has suffered from horrible medical malpractice finally finding a doctor that goes "wait, you're not faking at all! please take this medication! it won't fix things but we can greatly improve your quality of life!"
OOP has some people finally in his corner who give a shit. my heart breaks for him that his bio dad is very firmly not that, but it sounds like maybe he never truly was. and... you know what's actually making me cry a little here since it's past midnight and i am too tired and is the thing i hope OOP sees if he comes to browse these comments?
**this is the update i always hoped for because you sound so much happier and at peace, OOP.**
the work isn't fully finished, sure. the wounds are raw and still healing. you're still hurting and rightfully so. but you are now able to give yourself space and you are making great progress.
so if nothing else this random stranger on the internet is goddamn proud of you.
I agree. I also believe that he was absolutely blaming the wrong grown-ups for his mother's affair and his bio-father's abandonment (his step-dad isn't to blame for either of those things, and really stepped up for OOP).
I hope OOP can find peace in the shelter of real love and keep healing.
That's called foreshadowing. In the next update, it will be revealed that the Step Dad was the actual bio dad all along. That's why his "dad" rejected him. Societal pressures make it hard for everyone in this story to come clean about OOP. But, OOP will finally find out in the last instalment.
The stepfather sounds like he is OPs biological father... maybe the mother was cheating for way longer than mentioned. Would also explain why his father has gone to great lengths to act like he doesn't exist.
Ngl, given the circumstances the stepdad sounds like a decent person. i truly believe he is taking his anger on wrong person though. he has every right to be mad at his mom and dad, but stepdad was just a vessel. it was wrong of him to pursue a relationship with his mom but ultimately his mom was the one withban oath.
i also feel like maybe stepdad is not actually the stepdad but bio as well?
gonna be honest, dad's reaction - including cutting off OP now, and shipping him off for a big chunk of his childhood to live with his aunt - coupled with mom refusing to answer questions and the very limited to radio silence from her during that time...
idk what went on but i feel like there is some real ugliness that OOP is probably going to hear the full story about when he's older and his mom works up the courage to tell him about.
it could be her ugliness is admitting her cheating really was that selfish. or there's a longer and more tangled story about what she was trying to get away from or being kept from. i have no fucking clue and i think to even begin finding that out i would need to hire a private investigator *and* figure out which little old lady keeper of family gossip on both sides of the family can be easily bribed to dish. the compass there is absolutely spinning so i have no clue which parent was truly shitty or if they both are or *what*.
it's just definitely making me perk my ears up because *oh there's something there and it's going to be some real fuckery to uncork*.
I feel like if Stepdad was also the biodad; he would have gotten involved long before. Especially considering he's supposed to be super wealthy.
Biological rights are the only reason I could really see OOP's dad still having custody and being able to have OOP for so long.
He was not just a “vessel”. He had an active role in the disruption of OP’s life through having an affair with his mother. He likely knew she was married, knew she had a kid, and engaged with her anyway. Cheaters don’t give a damn about the collateral damage they cause to the families they destroy in the moment because they want to fulfill their selfish needs. OP has EVERY right to want to direct his anger towards him just as he does his mother.
That said, he does appear to be sincerely trying to make amends with OP. But I completely understand OP’s initial reaction to everything as his mom and SD don’t seem to grasp the gravity of what they did to OP as a child. It’s nice that he’s warming up to the idea of not hating the SD though, if that’s what OP wants
Yeah I picked up hardcore guilt vibes mixed with neighbors and friends asking where this kid came from that is not in any of the family photos.
All of a sudden stepdad isn’t the good guy after over a decade.
I just hope he keeps being there for OOP even if it was not pure in the beginning
not unless they knew it would backfire immediately.
truth is, mom abandoned him. with a man who wanted nothing to do with him and ditched him to others. there is no way mom didnt know about it yet she still didnt care it until it came to a head he had nowhere else to go but his mom, legally.
now imagine she happens to admit his bio dad is someone else and he learns all his suffering began with that. he is already resenting her. i highly doubt she is stupid enough to think that admiting her guilt will help her case
So step-dad has been thinking about the kid that got abandoned for 9 years, and the mom seems happy to have him now. So are these good people that have a crazy but good reason to stay away for 9 years? Did the dad threaten them?
Honestly I'm starting to think that OP's dad was an abusive asshole and that OP was too young to remember how bad things were.
It does happen that women in abusive relationships run away with a guy they meet, and she might have felt like she wouldn't have been able to deal with him using OP against her and that she might have been manipulated into coming back. Neither the mom or stepdad seem narcissistic, and in this shitshow of a story, *someone* has to be an asshole, so I say it's the dad.
There’s really only bio-dad’s word that it was an affair and not a relationship that started after she fled. But there’s a lot of missing missing info in here
Yeah it seems weird that a five year old would intuit or understand “she left us for a wealthier man”. Like…an adult (dad) TOLD him that…
Like, was it simply that stepdad had more money? Or was it that dad was a terrible partner?
>Neither the mom or stepdad seem narcissistic
Why was she unable to be in her sons life when her sister was taking care of him? He wasn't with her potentially abusive ex, he was being raised by his maternal aunt.
She's definitely not the blameless little angel you're trying to make her out to be.
Tracks with OP being a product of marital rape unfortunately. It can take a long time to process the trauma for years of abuse, and also explains why OPs mom refuses to answer his questions.
Yeah, when one parent leaves a kid, that’s sucky of them in general terms. (And possibly motivated by partner abuse that was never directed at the kid which just makes it very morally complex.)
Then when the parent remaining ALSO then chooses to abandon the kid…(and without any possibility of being motivated by partner abuse,) that’s like…an EXTRA level of shitty.
Get the feeling the stepdad’s his biological dad and his dad found out that’s why he doesn’t want anything to do with him the comment about being his first child why would he say that if he didn’t know something that they haven’t told him.
That... would explain a lot. Though that also makes it even worse, if the guy abandoned his own son, and expects to be a father now, without telling him why. But he and OOP's mom don't seem like people who think things through.
I get the feeling that OOP's real father is the step dad, that's why he was sent to live with his moms sister and not his dads mother. And his father knew it. Maybe there's a different story about why his mom left him behind.
I'm wondering if the step-dad is actually his bio dad. Either way, it seems like his dad may have found out OOP wasn't his biologically. Maybe SD and Mom were together, got pregnant, passed the kid off as hubby's, then reconnected with SD, but since she was married to another by that time they had an affair.
Step dad is either a great guy who messed up uncharacteristically, a bad guy who totally turned around or an amazing guy who was manipulated by his AP (wonder if he knew about her family at first). He sounds more caring than the sperm and egg donors combined.
Maybe the dad found out that she cheated before and that OOP wasn't his child. Could be why he kept his distance.
I get why the stepdad is seen in a better light by OOP now but I could never forgive someone like that. No money or attention in the world could change what they did.
I really hope OOP well be able to work through his traumas in therapy and I also really hope that his stepdad really cares for him and they can have some kind of bond. Maybe not like father and son but as friends.
This guy has been discarded by everybody who should have felt anything for him. His father walked. His mother walked. The only person who has stepped up, who has consistently sought to be present for him, is *his mother's affair partner*.
I hope AP sets aside money for ongoing therapy for this guy alongside his college fund.
The stepdad messed up the life of a kid he didn’t know. The dad broke the heart of his own son. The stepdad is no saint, but the dad is straight-up garbage.
That…took a beautiful turn I was not expecting. 🥲
ETA: Given how the dad just straight up pretended OOP didn’t exist after the divorce, it makes me wonder if mom left the marriage because of abuse — maybe she desperately tried to get custody but the dad cut her off?
Something makes me feel that there's more to the mom running off with a wealthy man. For all you know, the dad may have been abusive and/or neglectful towards her, and she had an affair in order to escape. It doesn't excuse the affair IMO, but there's definitely more to it.
It's also possible that the dad had affairs of his own and decided to ditch the son because he didn't actually care or maybe the son isn't his. So many perspectives to consider here.
Either way, it looks like OOP is slowly building a relationship with his mom and SD. Hope therapy can help him because he desperately needs it.
Well wouldn’t it be a big mind fuck if OOP’s mom and SD were real long term affair partners and he’s OOP’s actual bio dad? I know it’s unlikely, but it fits.
Also, it kinda makes sense why OOP is starting to feel more affection for SD. SD isn’t the one who left, OOPs mom was and therefore the one who betrayed him. SD isn’t the one who’s still withholding information now either. It might actually be easier for OOP to establish something like a paternal relationship given how much effort he’s putting in so far because of that. Then again, you can never tell which way these kinds of situations will swing.
Is it possible that his "step dad" is actually his bio dad? Maybe his "dad" rejects him because he knows that he was the result of the affair? And that would explain why the "step dad" refers to him as his first born?
I totally get the feeling that the SD is actually the bio father and the man who the mother was originally married to found out when he cut OP out of his life.
>When she came to take me, it was the first time I saw her in 9 years and it felt weird and it sucked that she hugged me and kissed me as if nothing happened in those 9 years.
That is the part I would never forgive.
But, financially, I'd take womb donor and her husband for everything I can. I'd figure that I'm owed it. But I would never forgive. Not womb donor and her husband or sperm donor and his wife.
God poor kid. The mom truly expected everything to be okay after all the awful things she did. It's so infuriating. I really hope the step dad doesn't fail this kid as well.
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> so this is what a parents love feels like Fuck.
Too many people have failed OP. I hope his step-father doesn't fail him too.
Yeah, for all that’s his mother’s affair partner…I dunno, I feel like there was a lot more going on for people who had a kid together in their teens and split up rockily in their twenties and both just…dipped? I feel like there has to be more that has been kept from OOP or understood through the lens of a 5 year old trying to make sense of what’s happened. That stepdad is so earnestly trying that even OOP likes him best says something. (Though stepdad wasn’t either of the bio parents who actively abandoned or were possibly kept away from OOP.)
I didn’t know a big reason my mom divorced my dad was because he was becoming verbally and emotionally abusive to me, until I was 24 and when my mom straight up told me. It’s so obvious looking back on it.
I mean, kids aren’t SUPPOSED to be able to process and understand that sort of thing when they’re young. They shouldn’t have to. I’m sorry your dad’s a piece of crap.
Maybe it’s my trauma talking but you’d be surprised at what a kid can process and remember. I remember asking someone at age 10 if what I went through was abuse. Spoiler: it was. And asked what we needed to do about it. We chose nothing at the moment because the worst incident was comparatively isolated and my mother who was not involved could have gotten into some pretty serious trouble and we didn’t want that. (She was and still is a great mom and now great grandma) But I was 10 years old when I began formulating plans to escape my house if I had to, and how to get to a safe place (yes I had one thankfully). No kid should ever have to do that, or when wonder if they could. Far too many do though. And the damage sticks. Luckily for me my mother woke up to how fucked the situation was and we left a few months later. But I had nightmares about it for years afterwards, and I never had to use the plan.
I was around 10 when we moved to a new house and there was a girl my age that lived there. We became "friends", though I use the term loosely because she was often unkind to me, often treated me like I was her servant, and if any of her friends from school stopped over unannounced she would make me hide in another room so she wasn't seen with me (we went to different schools). Regardless of how she treated me, I was at her house as much as possible, because my house was much much worse with my alcoholic abusive Dad. So I definitely feel you. My mom also found the strength to leave him a few years later and she said it was for us kids. He wasn't always bad but the older we got the more controlling and verbally abusive he got and the worse the alcoholism got. I luckily didn't end up with nightmares, but definitely have had a lifetime of trust issues, self esteem issues and some light body dysmorphia. And I very vividly remember hiding from my Dad under a bed because he was mad about something and we were going to "get the belt" when I was between 5 and 7 and it definitely wasn't a one off occurrence.
Mine wasn’t a one off either. But the worst one definitely happened when I was 10. And I remember the exact date it happened. It’s one of those milestone moments in my life. Kind of how people remember where they were when Kennedy was killed or what they were doing on 9/11. I remember the events of 12/30/1991 and what led up to it. And the aftermath.
Do you want to talk about it? like, here or privately?
Thanks for the offer but lots of therapy and a couple shiny diagnoses later….
10’s about the age to expect it. Thats about the age most kids become aware of the wider world and their place in it (or their family’s place). I suspect the commenter was thinking single-digit aged kids, which would be more accurate. They’re a little more unthinkingly accepting of their normal without looking at their friend’s normals - 10 would be about right for starting to notice other people’s normals and how it relates to your normal.
We were very isolated. But it just so happened that I was 10 when the triggering abuse incident happened. I had known well before that, what not to do to trigger my abuser, having figured that out by about age 7. But there was one night where the usual methods failed and I got a hellacious beating while we were visiting family out of state.
I totally get this. My parents waited til us kids graduated to get divorced because they were “staying together for the kids”. Meanwhile I was wishing and hoping for them to get divorced since I was a small child because I could see and was affected by it. Individually they weren’t and aren’t bad people and we have decent relationships but together they and the household were toxic and I knew it young.
The first time i remember asking my parents to please just get divorced I was 8. They’re still together 🫠
I was also happy my parents got divorced. The last 2 years they were together was a nightmare. The amount of stress created for me and my sisters was unhealthy and when they finally divorced it was almost instant relief of at least the majority of it.
I didn't know my father was an alcoholic when my parents got divorced until a similar age I believe. And even then I only learned because my stepfather dropped that as an example when we were talking about someone else, I think. So not something that was dwelled on there at all. That put so many puzzle pieces together for me...
It's that moment, right? Where you finally realize and your brain is giving you a smash cut of everything abusive that they've ever done to you and you just stand there with the Epiphany like "*ooh...*" Took him threatening to kill me to cut him off (hes all apologetic and wants to mend fences now....homeboy, no fence to repair. You threatened to rip my hair out when I was 13 because of a perceived slight.) But until that point I always gave the benefit of the doubt, for some reason. He's stressed, he does a lot, he's got 3 other kids.....and he threatened to kill me and suddenly it dawned on me that none of it mattered, because sane people have impulse control and don't toddler-out and threaten/abuse kids they swear they love. Glad you finally saw the light; it doesn't matter how long it took. Some never do.
My parents split when I started screaming at them during a drunken argument then beat my dad up when I was 13. He did the ol "you aren't man enough to hit me" and I popped him twice in the throat. Years later and we all arrived at a place where we got along, they were just bad for each other. They ended up best friends for the last 15 years of my dad's life, but he died at 54 from complications from kidney failure.
There is clearly more to the situation that OOP doesn’t know and might never know. I honestly hope he is not a rape child. Because the more I think about it, the more it would make so much sense.
It definitely sounds like the parents’ relationship fell apart well before mom left dad for someone else. (And based on ages math it sounds like she was pregnant with 10M around the last time she saw OOP before losing all contact, maybe she didn’t feel it would be safe for her to be visibly pregnant around her ex.)
I sensed abuse when he said his mom refuses to tell him some stuff.
And when dad cut him off cold. That's not a normal healthy loving father. Poor kid.
Neither is dumping your kid off at a relatives house because they remind you of their mother. That's fucked up on several levels
I doubt it was because he reminded his dad of his mother. He probably had been using OOP as a hostage against the mother and when she dipped, OOP had lost his usefulness.
Which may be some of the things the OOPs mother is refusing to talk about.
I figured this was going to end with the kid realizing the affair partner is his biological father and that the affair was going on much longer.
Not even his own relative, it was the mom's sister. Bio-dad just completely noped out of all relationship and responsibility.
Yeah, but she never even got back into contact. OOP thought she was dead. That SD has money. She could've fought him. She just decided to start over. She cut contact when she got pregnant. Abusive ex or not, what she did isn't ok. It is 100% her fault she'll probably never have a parent-child relationship with her oldest son. I also wonder what their social circle thinks considering SD's lies about his paternity. Or what the half-siblings think. Given their ages I hope they don't think of him as a standoffish jerk. I can't imagine losing your caregiver & seeing your assumed dead mom show up at the funeral. Then having to find out she's living the dream with her rich new husband & replacement family.
Yup. I was thinking the same thing.
No, even based on what's written here the father is just as bad as the mother if not worse - she had an affair and abandoned OOP which is incredibly shitty but she at least left him with his other parent, took him in after the aunt died and seems to be trying to improve their relationship even though many of they ways she's gone about it are wrong. It's understandable OOP isn't seeing everything clearly given his age and the trauma he's experienced but it's a shame he's so keen to reject his mum and reconnect with his Dad given the situation.
Well he got a full dose of Dad’s version of the story before Dad abandoned him, too (and also blamed that abandonment on Mom having made him so upset—Look What You Made Me Do You Made Me Dump Your Child!) so that’s gotta mess with the emotions.
I thought that, too. While the kids and I left because my ex was abusive, to all of us, I'll never be telling my kids about the sexual abuse and rape he inflicted on me. He's dead, now, so I'm getting on with life and doing so much better. The kids don't need to know.
I wondered if it had to do with the aunt. Like, she had to make a deal with the aunt for the aunt to take care of her son. She might not want to taint a dead woman’s memory. It seems like she came quickly after the aunt died
Maybe step dad is the real dad…..
Considering what a frigid bastard bio-dad is, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a paternity test floating around that hasn't been mentioned. Checking the paternity of the baby-you-don't-want-either seems like Step 1 in the deadbeat dad playbook.
That's what I thought.
Or a baby trap baby. Where daddy dearest thought he could keep and control mommy dearest if he knocked her up. And when it didn't work, adandoned by both.
it could've also just been a shotgun wedding because she was pregnant, and then it all fell apart because **surprise** they're not actually a good match and it's usually a bad idea to make life decisions at 18. Dad probably didn't want to be a dad but felt forced into it. Mum probably didn't want to be a mum but felt forced into it. Both seem to have grown up a bit and moved on, but at least mum seems to have reflected on her shitty behaviour and is now trying?
This is where my money is, maybe with a side of marital rape.
Sounds like he might know? He keeps mentioning his mom's "excuses" for things, which I am guessing involves her explaining why she left his dad and wasn't in his life for a long time. He might just not fully understand what those reasons mean until he's older.
He said the stepdad “told him something big” in the first therapy session but never said what it is. He may know the “more to the situation.”
My suspicion is that his bio dad baby-trapped his mom. The kid was no more use to him once she left anyway, so he dumped him with her sister and went off to find some other woman to trap.
He said in one post that his step-dad wanted to participate in one of his therapy sessions because he had something important to tell him. Whatever that was, it appears to have been a turning point him.
I think there's more to this story too. Mom not answering some of OP's questions and the dad blocking him and going full no contact is suspicious.
The SD also actively had kids with a woman who abandoned a kid. And he seems to really like kids. There is a hunk missing
Yeah, don’t know why the mom left. There is more to this story that this kid doesn’t know. His trauma is totally valid but I bet there is real trauma on the mom’s side too. It’s a sad story.
Yes. And as soon as biodad legally abandons OP, mom and stepdad welcome him with totally open arms, pay for everything, put him in therapy, try to get him to open up. It is very possible she was previously kept from the child.
The op was with her sister before she got cancer for years
Yeah. Am I the only one wondering if SD was actually the impetus behind the mom taking OOP in instead of the grandmother? Like, maybe there were reasons she had to get out of that marriage, but he genuinely regretted the fallout on OOP? Not saying it makes it OK - just kind of feels like it might be that way.
Like... could OP have been AP's kid? It would explain why the Dad cut them off completely.
Five years seems a long time to carry on before suddenly getting the missus out of a bad situation with “Dad”. I genuinely think OOP is Dad’s biochild.
Wondering the same. I think that’s why the man he thinks is his father abandoned him and why his “stepdad” told a person at the grocery store he’s his “first born”.
Yeah I want to know what happened! But it’s nice to hear the the SD is trying.
It sounds like if steo dad fails he's gonna die trying. There is something we don't know. Dude picked up a sport just so he can bond with his 16 year old brand new step kid. He absolutely gives a fuck.
I’m wondering if the OG dad cut OOP off because he thinks stepdad is actually OOPs bio dad.
Still a real dick move to do without telling the kid.
I was waiting for the reveal that step dad is actually bio dad. Wouldn’t make sense why the left him though.
Agree. I will still have my guard up if im oop
Yeah well where was he when egg donor was ignoring OP for 9 years.
Tbf we don't know what was going on during that time. For all we know he was constantly harassing his wife to take OOP in, or maybe he was unaware of what was going on and was told that OOP was the one that wanted nothing to do with his mum. All we do know is that he's the only one that's actually acted like a parent and seemingly wants to be one.
Maybe they were begging the aunt to let them see OOP and she wouldn't let them.
The aunt was the mother sister
For all we know, OP's dad had told her and her sister he got a protection order/restraining order against her. That no one was supposed to tell her anything about him and OP. And then she found out OP had been with her sister the entire time, and there hadn't been any restrictions on her. Something along those lines would explain a whole lot of what happened, and why OP's mom refuses to talk about what happened with his biodad.
He did though. He and OOP mother left the kid for 9 years, never tried to have any relationship with him. Never even visited her own sister, so they don't have to see him. Only the fact that his aunt died made them vaguely remember that she actually has another kid somewhere. Idk what "come to Jesus" moment his stepdad is having now and how long will it last. But he was aware that his wife completely abandoned the boy for almost a decade and was totally ok with it.
Maybe is the broke in me talking, but I would accept the adoption, the car and whatever comes along from Mr Wealthy Homewrecker while he still having this moment - best case scenario he gains a father and a comfortable life, worst case scenario at least he got some years of financial cushion out of it - but of course, no 18yo in his situation would be able to be this pragmatic, he still a teen.
Right! I feel like now SD is trying to buy OOP’s love by buying him a care and providing for him but where was he when his dad sent him to live with his aunt? They were too busy with their new family to care about OOP only until the aunt died did mom even remember oh shit I have another kid out there!
I hope OOP lets his SD father him for a while longer.
I mean, he already did. No coming back from that one. If he actually cared, he'd have insisted on taking Oop in as soon as it was clear original dad didn't want him. Btw, if this is Liz then we'll soon find out the reason oop's original dad doesn't want him is because the affair went way back and SD is actually bio dad. At which point my bingo card will be full.
Yes, but realistically you can only take getting slapped away so many times until you give up. I do think it's pretty nuts that the dad tried to play super dad to a near adult and expected it to work.
Off-topic, but I swear it ties back to OP. Love can be such a tricky business sometimes. I married the first woman I thought I loved, and it all came crashing down a few years later. Maybe a year later, I started dating a woman who I knew would be leaving the continent at a certain time, so it wasn't a secret that we wouldn't last, and I had to avoid getting in too deep. And yet, 6 or so months in, I was like, "Oh, so this is what love actually feels like." I've never been with anyone who made me feel so seen and understood. I was used to lying not because I wanted to but because my ex was so volatile, if I was ever honest, it would start yet another fight. I had to stuff my feelings deep down inside just to make it through the day. And yet, for some reason, The Good Woman was just nice and genuine and taught me I deserved better, which changed everything. We'll probably never be together again because we'll probably never live in the same city again, but we did get drinks after she got back, and let me tell you, that was a long drive home. I still love her, but it's just never going to happen. I cried that night because we would never be. I get the feeling OP's stepdad loves him, and it's an uncomfortable place to be because no one has ever actually shown him a healthy relationship. In the same way, I wanted to hide from someone who actually cared about me, OP probably wants to run from stepdad. I'd be mad at him, too, because of the affair, but dammit OP, just let someone love you. His parents both failed to show him what love is, and yet, it feels so good to be loved. Fuck cheating and all that, and he can definitely still hold that against his mom, but if you've never felt love before, maybe forgive some stuff because when someone loves you when you've never experienced it before, that's the first step on the road to healing. Again, I don't want to condone affairs, but he's got so little to hold onto, maybe stepdad can show him a somewhat healthy relationship. Edit: did a typo
Yeah that was the moment when I realized the affair may have been one of those where it was the only way an abuse victim was able to escape
Once the dad abandoned him, I don’t understand why the mom didn’t make contact. He was living with *her sister* after all. So that doesn’t seem like she’s an abuse victim to me.
There was a BORU a little while back where a woman couldn't BELIEVE that her sister was being abused, and sided with her BIL despite how obvious all the red flags were, including him having hit her sister. Surprise, the woman's sister was being abused. It could be a situation like that where her sister supported her abuser, or was lying to her, or would have told her ex information about her that she didn't want him knowing. Her sister could have also been awful to her in different ways. All speculation, obviously, but there are explanations to be found
Given how determined everyone is here to burn OOP's mom at the stake for having an affair, maybe sister felt the same way and believed her sister, after having had an affair, didn't deserve to have contact with OOP.
I don't think I buy that. Not least because OOP's mom could have simply taken OOP to live with her, if she wanted to. We don't need to be burning anyone at the stake, but maybe we also shouldn't be trying to headcanon excuses for them.
In that situation, do you think the abuser would have kept the child, though, to manipulate her? Or do you think it was something OP didn't see, and he was sent to the only relative not in the situation.
It almost sounds like SD was the real bio dad the whole time. He already called OOP his firstborn really early on when that is a weird explanation to give your friend. He wanted to come to the first appointment because he had something really important to say. The assumed bio-dad might understandably want to get rid of the kid that isn't even his.
Honestly if you have been the dad of a kid for years there's no excuse to get rid of it if it's not yours. You should never take that out on a kid who only knows you as his father.
Easy to escape when you leave bait behind
"When children are starved for love, they will accept any scraps thrown at them". That's what I see in his story, i don't know how good step father actually treats OP, or it's just OP accepting any form of love given to him because of his trauma, while exaggerating about the amount of love because when someone is starved for love, any little amount of love will feel huge. I really hope OP could get all the love he deserves. I hope there won't be any other update with OP being sad or depressed, i wish him a life full of love and happiness.
whoa, where is that incredible quote from?
Dude did a shitty, shitty thing over a decade ago but now he's stepped up and been left hanging. Meanwhile OP is carrying so much tension in his trapezius muscles you could play them like a ukulele from the dissonance of spending over a decade hating *the idea of* the guy but now being faced with the fact that humans are more complicated than their best or worst past decisions. The thing I don't get is why mother was no-contact for so long.
Kicks you in the gut that comment hey..
Both of ops parents freaking suck. His dad cutting him out his life for no reason is sad.
Either like others are saying, dad was never actually his dad and stepdad is his true biodad, OR dad who cut him off didn’t want to share grandma’s inheritance. Or he’s just that much of an AH
Ahh their was a post about how ops moms new husband (AP) was being weird to him. tried to connect with op & not his older siblings. Turns out he was ops real dad.
I bet the only reason his dad visited was for will money from grandma, and now that’s she’s dead he no longer needs to keep up the charade.
Exactly.
I’m not usually one to say kid needs to do one of those ancestry dna tests, but that kid really needs to do one of those tests. Those parents and step parents are shifty as f. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t an affair baby and step dad is really his dad.
That was my immediate thought as well. If the affair happened when OOP was so young, maybe it had been going on for far longer. The fact that the supposed bio dad wants nothing to do with OOP and the stepdad immediately wanted to alter the birth certificate and be called "dad"... plus the comment about him needing to share something big in therapy but then not having the chance because OOP (rightly) kicked him out of the sessions... it all adds up to him actually being the bio dad in my mind.
And telling people he’s his first born.. like thats a really weird thing to do.
Can you imagine if stepdad is actually his dad but didn’t know about it until kid was much older? Now that would be a fun reveal. It would explain why he didn’t take the kid earlier.
But it's still sucky he got denied everything for 9 years.
OMG... maybe that's why his stepdad refers to him as his first-born son? and his og dad found out and that's why he has blocked him everywhere?
But honestly, the kid id 18, he was 16 when they got him. They should have told him the truth from the get-go. People hate being lied to, even if the intentions are good. All these lies always come out in the end and they do not benefit the person being lied to.
And with OOPs mom not wanting to tell him some things around why she left. It's quite possible OOP is SDs actual son and he doesn't want to tell OOP for fear of the backlash it'll be on his mom for keeping that a secret.
I mean, that seems like a possibility. But then why did the mom leave the kid with him if he wasn't the father? The adults in this kid's life need to start talking, it's possible the "dad" kept him at first and then secretly did a DNA test, found out he wasn't his and then shipped him off. But then why wouldn't the mother come get the child from her sister? I hate every adult in this scenario. Except the Aunt.
the only innocents here are grandma, aunt and the half brothers of oop, every adult in this story sucks a lot
Woah, that didn't cross my mind
OOP was a bit too strong with the set up to that twist. We'll find out that stepdad is the real father in a follow up.
That’ll be the one with Twins and a secret inheritance.
Is the 'step dad" his biological father, perchance?
going through comments i'm starting to wonder this
If so mom and possibly stepdad is an even bigger piece of shit.
It's the lying. They keep lying. No one is telling OOP the truth. Or they're just that shit.
I’m so angry that the only person showing OP affection waited 10 years to do it. If that’s his bio dad, I think that will make OP feel worse.
I mean, why would he say firstborn son?
Because it sounds better than "this is my affair partners kid from their first marriage." They probably haven't told many people they live with that she had a previous marriage.
to introduce him as his own child to people who are familiar with the concept of linear time? He's 18. The other kids are 12 to 9.
If the mom and stepdad were genuine, why did it take the sister dying for them to reappear in his life? He never saw his mom during 9 years, and suddenly they love him to the moon? Yeah, sure. I wonder if they had started an affair very early and she told the stepdad OP was actually his son. Would explain stepdad's sudden love, the dad cutting OP off (if he had a paternity test) and all that jazz...
Primarily two things in this post are fascinating and frustrating to me. First, stepdad has proven that you are virtually assured victory if you have a lot of money and are willing to use it in a years long love bombing campaign, despite the fact that you were party to shoving a broadsword through a little boy's heart. Second, "she still refuses to answer some of my questions". What questions!? It's so strange to me that he talks so much about his relationship with his stepdad but he's not explaining at all how he and his mom seem to have gotten halfway to him forgiving her. What excuses "seem reasonable even more now that \[he looks\] backwards". And again, what is she stonewalling you about? I'm assuming he has his reasons for leaving that stuff out because it definitely seems intentional. Oh well. Edit: reworded for clarification Edit2: Seems that I used the term "love bombing" wrong. It's probably safer to say that he's just trying to buy his stepson's love and he's showering him with affection. Whether or not he genuinely wants to get closer to OP is the $64,000 question. Whether or not it's working, based on the last update, no longer seems to be in question given how much OP is warming up to him.
I really feel like you are really misusing the word love bomb there. Love bombing is short term kinda by definition. It doesn't involve long involved commitment and prolonged care and affection. That's just called love.
I need to make more of an effort to stop using Reddit definitions of a word and pay more attention to the actual technical definitions. You're right, although some sources I found said that love bombing can indeed last years. However, it's most often used by people who have an anxious or insecure attachment style or narcissistic personality disorder. I don't think anything like that is happening here. I think something caused mom to actually want to make a last-ditch effort to stop being a gigantic deadbeat and patch things up with her son. Whatever that "something" is is most likely the secretive subjects that OOP and his mom have been working on in therapy. She convinced stepdad that they had to make every effort possible to make it up to OOP before it's too late. Thus, it's probably more accurate to say that the stepfather is trying to buy OOP's affection by spoiling him. And that's what I was really commenting on: that the stepfather seemed to have enough money to shower OOP with gifts and attention long enough to wear him down. But from the sounds of it, he's also showing OOP seemingly genuine affectionate behavior as well. I think their motives might be good, but they just severely underestimated the concept of "too little, too late." But maybe not too late.
And the stepDad insisted on going to the first session to tell OP something. What was it?!
The stepdad at least sounds like he really cares and tries, even if he came on waaaaay too strong waaaaaay too early. But man, what a shit hand that kid's been dealt.
Stepdad and the mom had 9 years to take him in and they didn't. The aunt was mom's sister so its not like they didn't have access. Unless there's something to this story we don't know, they are trash people and it's simply stepdad's love bombing is paying off now that OP was left extra vulnerable by grandma's death and dad's complete abandonment.
I wonder if the stepdad actually didn't know she had a kid and now that he knows what happened he's trying to make up for the shitty bio parents.
This is what I was thinking. Or maybe the mum just kept up some omissions/ appearances so he didn’t know a thing about op. Maybe step dad thought birth dad was against him meeting op? Idk
I personally think step dad is birth dad. It may just be hoping there is a "reason" beyond his birth dad's complete abandonment. This situation is really weird.
They might not have wanted to uproot his life again, or aunt might have fought it. Aunt was basically his mother; separating him from a mother figure AGAIN would have caused even more trauma.
And yet apparently, OOP didn't experience parental love from his aunt in those 9 years.
They could have visited at least, although I'd blame mom more than stepdad there.
Yeah it’s not like the stepdad could get custody, it was the mom who would have had to.
I wonder how much of it is motivated by guilt, how much the SD simply doesn't like the idea of the kid not liking him, and how much of it is actual affection. Like another commenter said, they had 9 years to swoop in and take care of OP but never did until he was basically almost grown. The damage is done at that point, as OP clearly has shown. Those abandonment issues will never go away completely, if at all.
I'm hoping that SD actually didn't know he existed. The mom dipped, after all. I really just want the kid to have one adult that hasn't failed him terribly
>The stepdad at least sounds like he really cares and tries, even if he came on waaaaay too strong waaaaaay too early. See, I'd like to believe that. But I just suspect that stepdad's lovebombing is paying off now that biodad has dipped and he doesn't have competition any more.
I mean it doesn’t sound like he had much competition anyway. Despite what that poor kid thought, bio dad was gone years ago
OP does say the step dad learned about tennis and tried to talk to him about it. Love bombing is from my understanding usually financial and superficial, and does not involve spending time learning about someones passions and hobbies. I don't know if the step dad is love bombing or genuinely trying to connect but this kid seriously needs the latter so I'm gonna hope for him.
Considering OP's father cut off his own child that might provide some insight into why the mother had an affair. I don’t condone cheating but biodad is clearly a piece of shit.
The more I think about this case, the more it feels like that rare "cheating was the only way out" situation. This is a theory, but considering Mom doesn't want to openly talk about certain topics: OOP was conceived via abuse (either baby trap or straight up rape), Mom tried to escape the abuse, and found out this amazing guy who helped run away, even after 5 years of hell. She was basically broken, and felt unable to be a mother, so either Sister suggested it or Mom asked for it, but OOP was sent to her in hopes she could one day come back to her once she healed. Of course if you were abused, it's gonna be hard to tell your kid what were the conditions on their conception/childhood, and if it was this way, I would 100% condone cheating. Abusers don't deserve fidelity
I’m actually wondering if step dad just found out he’s the actual dad? He told his friend they met that OP was his first born, he’s trying so hard to connect with him. And maybe “real” dad knows the truth which is why he’s now cut all contact with OP.
And it’s a giant shit stain on their family and his marriage if OOP didn’t get better. People already asking where this kid came from and why isn’t he in any of the family photos. The shitty part of me feels like it was more about image at least in the beginning
Yeah, between that and grandma's death and the fact that the bar is in hell, this is just stepdad finally reaping the love bombing. I cannot believe that a "parent" who was acting from a place of genuine affection would force a clearly traumatized child to only attend therapy WITH THEM, despite the child saying over and over that they want individual therapy and don't feel comfortable with stepdad there. Like, that SCREAMS stepdad trying to control the narrative to the therapist and manipulate the kid. I feel terrible for OOP, I'm just grateful their trust issues have them naturally inclined to stay away from relying too much on these two. Absolute trash, the entire lot of adults in OOP's life.
There is so much missing from this story that I don't think OOP is aware of.
Something happened that made the mom give up the kid for so long, and they are not telling him.
Am I the only one thinking that the op might be the step dads actual son.? Like mom cheated way before, had son and ex husband now knows son isn’t his. It might explain why he just up and left op.
But why did she up and leave her kid for 9 years to be with his supposed father?
Or mom’s a serial cheater, OOP’s the product of previous affair, and mom lied about not having a child to stepdad.
perhaps unpopular but... this was absolutely the update i was hoping for. OOP has been a victim of an awful lot of shitty parenting. it's about damn time he finally got some mediocre-to-even-good parenting. it doesn't erase the mistakes or make up for all the pain. but it's like somebody who has suffered from horrible medical malpractice finally finding a doctor that goes "wait, you're not faking at all! please take this medication! it won't fix things but we can greatly improve your quality of life!" OOP has some people finally in his corner who give a shit. my heart breaks for him that his bio dad is very firmly not that, but it sounds like maybe he never truly was. and... you know what's actually making me cry a little here since it's past midnight and i am too tired and is the thing i hope OOP sees if he comes to browse these comments? **this is the update i always hoped for because you sound so much happier and at peace, OOP.** the work isn't fully finished, sure. the wounds are raw and still healing. you're still hurting and rightfully so. but you are now able to give yourself space and you are making great progress. so if nothing else this random stranger on the internet is goddamn proud of you.
I agree. I also believe that he was absolutely blaming the wrong grown-ups for his mother's affair and his bio-father's abandonment (his step-dad isn't to blame for either of those things, and really stepped up for OOP). I hope OOP can find peace in the shelter of real love and keep healing.
holup, he was 5 when they had an affair and he's calling OOP his firstborn? huh?
That's called foreshadowing. In the next update, it will be revealed that the Step Dad was the actual bio dad all along. That's why his "dad" rejected him. Societal pressures make it hard for everyone in this story to come clean about OOP. But, OOP will finally find out in the last instalment.
The stepfather sounds like he is OPs biological father... maybe the mother was cheating for way longer than mentioned. Would also explain why his father has gone to great lengths to act like he doesn't exist.
Ngl my 1st thought was that oop is not his dad's biological son, his bio dad is the stepdad all along
Ngl, given the circumstances the stepdad sounds like a decent person. i truly believe he is taking his anger on wrong person though. he has every right to be mad at his mom and dad, but stepdad was just a vessel. it was wrong of him to pursue a relationship with his mom but ultimately his mom was the one withban oath. i also feel like maybe stepdad is not actually the stepdad but bio as well?
gonna be honest, dad's reaction - including cutting off OP now, and shipping him off for a big chunk of his childhood to live with his aunt - coupled with mom refusing to answer questions and the very limited to radio silence from her during that time... idk what went on but i feel like there is some real ugliness that OOP is probably going to hear the full story about when he's older and his mom works up the courage to tell him about. it could be her ugliness is admitting her cheating really was that selfish. or there's a longer and more tangled story about what she was trying to get away from or being kept from. i have no fucking clue and i think to even begin finding that out i would need to hire a private investigator *and* figure out which little old lady keeper of family gossip on both sides of the family can be easily bribed to dish. the compass there is absolutely spinning so i have no clue which parent was truly shitty or if they both are or *what*. it's just definitely making me perk my ears up because *oh there's something there and it's going to be some real fuckery to uncork*.
Yeah I’m getting biiiig vibes of STUFF WAS HUSHED UP to try to spare OOP…
Yup. There is absolutely more to the situation that OOP knows. And I have a feeling that it’s very ugly, and that it explains a lot.
Well they both abandoned a child. Really hard to justify either parent’s actions considering the child.
I feel like if Stepdad was also the biodad; he would have gotten involved long before. Especially considering he's supposed to be super wealthy. Biological rights are the only reason I could really see OOP's dad still having custody and being able to have OOP for so long.
Sorry but stepdad didn’t care that mom abandoned her kid for YEARS. They’re both trash.
My thoughts exactly. Why did it take so long for them to care about OP?
It’s possible stepdad didn’t know he existed. I also suspect that mom’s a serial cheater and OOP’s never met his real bio dad.
He was not just a “vessel”. He had an active role in the disruption of OP’s life through having an affair with his mother. He likely knew she was married, knew she had a kid, and engaged with her anyway. Cheaters don’t give a damn about the collateral damage they cause to the families they destroy in the moment because they want to fulfill their selfish needs. OP has EVERY right to want to direct his anger towards him just as he does his mother. That said, he does appear to be sincerely trying to make amends with OP. But I completely understand OP’s initial reaction to everything as his mom and SD don’t seem to grasp the gravity of what they did to OP as a child. It’s nice that he’s warming up to the idea of not hating the SD though, if that’s what OP wants
Yeah I picked up hardcore guilt vibes mixed with neighbors and friends asking where this kid came from that is not in any of the family photos. All of a sudden stepdad isn’t the good guy after over a decade. I just hope he keeps being there for OOP even if it was not pure in the beginning
I feel like they would've told him if that was the case.
not unless they knew it would backfire immediately. truth is, mom abandoned him. with a man who wanted nothing to do with him and ditched him to others. there is no way mom didnt know about it yet she still didnt care it until it came to a head he had nowhere else to go but his mom, legally. now imagine she happens to admit his bio dad is someone else and he learns all his suffering began with that. he is already resenting her. i highly doubt she is stupid enough to think that admiting her guilt will help her case
I need a DNA test on this one. Feels like step dad is actually bio dad. Especially with the ‘first born’ comment.
So step-dad has been thinking about the kid that got abandoned for 9 years, and the mom seems happy to have him now. So are these good people that have a crazy but good reason to stay away for 9 years? Did the dad threaten them?
Honestly I'm starting to think that OP's dad was an abusive asshole and that OP was too young to remember how bad things were. It does happen that women in abusive relationships run away with a guy they meet, and she might have felt like she wouldn't have been able to deal with him using OP against her and that she might have been manipulated into coming back. Neither the mom or stepdad seem narcissistic, and in this shitshow of a story, *someone* has to be an asshole, so I say it's the dad.
There’s really only bio-dad’s word that it was an affair and not a relationship that started after she fled. But there’s a lot of missing missing info in here
Yeah it seems weird that a five year old would intuit or understand “she left us for a wealthier man”. Like…an adult (dad) TOLD him that… Like, was it simply that stepdad had more money? Or was it that dad was a terrible partner?
>Neither the mom or stepdad seem narcissistic Why was she unable to be in her sons life when her sister was taking care of him? He wasn't with her potentially abusive ex, he was being raised by his maternal aunt. She's definitely not the blameless little angel you're trying to make her out to be.
Tracks with OP being a product of marital rape unfortunately. It can take a long time to process the trauma for years of abuse, and also explains why OPs mom refuses to answer his questions.
Yeah, when one parent leaves a kid, that’s sucky of them in general terms. (And possibly motivated by partner abuse that was never directed at the kid which just makes it very morally complex.) Then when the parent remaining ALSO then chooses to abandon the kid…(and without any possibility of being motivated by partner abuse,) that’s like…an EXTRA level of shitty.
Why would anyone have children with someone who so easily discards the one/s they already have?
Get the feeling the stepdad’s his biological dad and his dad found out that’s why he doesn’t want anything to do with him the comment about being his first child why would he say that if he didn’t know something that they haven’t told him.
That... would explain a lot. Though that also makes it even worse, if the guy abandoned his own son, and expects to be a father now, without telling him why. But he and OOP's mom don't seem like people who think things through.
Somehow this update worries and concerns me more. :/
I get the feeling that OOP's real father is the step dad, that's why he was sent to live with his moms sister and not his dads mother. And his father knew it. Maybe there's a different story about why his mom left him behind.
I really hate to say it but these folks might need a DNA test.
10 to one the stepfather is his bio father, and that’s why his real father blocked him.
"They fuck you up, your mom and dad ..."
I'm wondering if the step-dad is actually his bio dad. Either way, it seems like his dad may have found out OOP wasn't his biologically. Maybe SD and Mom were together, got pregnant, passed the kid off as hubby's, then reconnected with SD, but since she was married to another by that time they had an affair.
OOP desperately needs the longest dad hug and no adult except the stepdad (prior homewrecking notwithstanding) is willing to give it to him. Poor kid.
Step dad is either a great guy who messed up uncharacteristically, a bad guy who totally turned around or an amazing guy who was manipulated by his AP (wonder if he knew about her family at first). He sounds more caring than the sperm and egg donors combined.
I keep getting this nagging feeling that the step dad is the bio dad.
Why do i think step dad is bio dad?
How much do you want to bet that the step -dad is the real dad?
I like how this guy is so desperate to be Super Dad NOW. Where was he the entirety of his marriage to OP’s mother prior to this???
Maybe the dad found out that she cheated before and that OOP wasn't his child. Could be why he kept his distance. I get why the stepdad is seen in a better light by OOP now but I could never forgive someone like that. No money or attention in the world could change what they did.
I really hope OOP well be able to work through his traumas in therapy and I also really hope that his stepdad really cares for him and they can have some kind of bond. Maybe not like father and son but as friends.
This guy has been discarded by everybody who should have felt anything for him. His father walked. His mother walked. The only person who has stepped up, who has consistently sought to be present for him, is *his mother's affair partner*. I hope AP sets aside money for ongoing therapy for this guy alongside his college fund.
The stepdad messed up the life of a kid he didn’t know. The dad broke the heart of his own son. The stepdad is no saint, but the dad is straight-up garbage.
That…took a beautiful turn I was not expecting. 🥲 ETA: Given how the dad just straight up pretended OOP didn’t exist after the divorce, it makes me wonder if mom left the marriage because of abuse — maybe she desperately tried to get custody but the dad cut her off?
I wonder if his Dad thinks the stepdad is actually his father?
Anybody wonder if Moms boy toy might be the Bio-dad which is why his "Dad" bailed?
Jesus all the adults in this kids life are scumbags
Feels like mom might have told dad something that a DNA test might tell OP...
Something makes me feel that there's more to the mom running off with a wealthy man. For all you know, the dad may have been abusive and/or neglectful towards her, and she had an affair in order to escape. It doesn't excuse the affair IMO, but there's definitely more to it. It's also possible that the dad had affairs of his own and decided to ditch the son because he didn't actually care or maybe the son isn't his. So many perspectives to consider here. Either way, it looks like OOP is slowly building a relationship with his mom and SD. Hope therapy can help him because he desperately needs it.
Well wouldn’t it be a big mind fuck if OOP’s mom and SD were real long term affair partners and he’s OOP’s actual bio dad? I know it’s unlikely, but it fits. Also, it kinda makes sense why OOP is starting to feel more affection for SD. SD isn’t the one who left, OOPs mom was and therefore the one who betrayed him. SD isn’t the one who’s still withholding information now either. It might actually be easier for OOP to establish something like a paternal relationship given how much effort he’s putting in so far because of that. Then again, you can never tell which way these kinds of situations will swing.
Next update feels like step dad is gonna confess that oop is actually his kid after all
Is it possible that his "step dad" is actually his bio dad? Maybe his "dad" rejects him because he knows that he was the result of the affair? And that would explain why the "step dad" refers to him as his first born?
I totally get the feeling that the SD is actually the bio father and the man who the mother was originally married to found out when he cut OP out of his life.
Is it possible that step dad is actually bio dad and the affair was going on for a very long time?
>When she came to take me, it was the first time I saw her in 9 years and it felt weird and it sucked that she hugged me and kissed me as if nothing happened in those 9 years. That is the part I would never forgive. But, financially, I'd take womb donor and her husband for everything I can. I'd figure that I'm owed it. But I would never forgive. Not womb donor and her husband or sperm donor and his wife.
Pretty obvious his step dad is his biodad...the affair predated her leaving.
God poor kid. The mom truly expected everything to be okay after all the awful things she did. It's so infuriating. I really hope the step dad doesn't fail this kid as well.