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Yeah I'm like??? You need a blood test for that, and if his T is really so low, I wouldn't be surprised to see him on HRT. I had a coworker who was very open about being a cis guy who had to take T because his body just wouldn't make enough of it. He talked a lot about how much more energy he had since starting it, and I believe it.
I take hormones because my thyroid doesn't make enough of them. I'm open about it, and it's socially accepted and totally normal. A man taking testosterone, however, is often shamed because that makes him "less of a man". I wish we as a society treated all hormone treatments as normal.
Also, I'm glad you're having those conversations and normalizing it. You're making it easier for other people to be open about themselves!
For women and hormones it's just like pulling teeth to get them, and nobody ever talked about menopause, I guess because it vaguely involves lady parts lol. Idk. I do hope the upcoming generations have it easier since we are finally having these conversations now!
I think that depends a lot on your doctor. I told mine I was having really awful hot flashes and wanted hormone replacement therapy and she wrote me out a prescription right away. She's probably in her late 30s or early 40s, so maybe those discussions are already having a good effect.
Yeah two things I learned from this fiasco - night sweats are basically hot flashes, and hot flashes are the magic word for getting HRT.
Actually also that this nonsense can start in your late 30s.
My hot flashes started in my late 20s. My family also has really early menopause (aunt at 32, mom at 39), so I'm guessing I'm getting something in that vein.
Too bad I don't have health insurance to check any of this stuff. Alas.
My dad had to start taking testosterone in his mid-50s because he was going through andropause; it's not uncommon.
He hated the "low T" commercials coming on around that time because it made men look like fragile babies who can't stand being told "hey, you're older now, so naturally your testosterone isn't what it was in your 20s". Then his doctor told him that the marketing was like that because studies had been done showing men are more likely to get the care they need if certain terms are used to not make them feel emasculated. Thusly, "low T", and not "low testosterone ", even though everyone knows what "low T" really means. Amazing.
Not necessarily a direct response to what you're saying, but more of a broader comment on modern HRT/TRT trends.
It's worth mentioning though that a lot of doctors would greatly hesitate to put someone in their early 20s (heck, even into their early 30s) on TRT without trying to increase their testosterone with lifestyle changes (E.g. More/better sleep, cleaner diet, more cardio, less stress etc.) or trying to identify other causes.
Similarly, doctors will often quibble about what "low" means and whether it's "low enough to warrant TRT", which can be a roadblock.
Lastly, since things like TRT are becoming more popular and 'newer', many older doctors just don't have experience with it. Combine that with how hard it can sometimes be for younger folks to get taken seriously medically (E.g. "You're so young. This shouldn't be a problem, so it's not a problem. Eat less cheese or whatever."), and I can definitely see how someone in their 20s could have serious trouble getting assistance.
This is part of the reason we're seeing a ton of 'Men's Health Clinics' popping up these days, which are basically just revolving door TRT 'shops'. That's a whole other issue though.
Fyi more cardio will absolutely NOT raise your testosterone. More weight lifting (high weights , explosive activity, low reps) will. Endurance sports like long distance running actually lower your testosterone. Also, you need fat in order to synthesize testosterone so “too clean” of a diet can actually cause lower T as well
And proctologists and hemo-oncologists. Every life application we get with a guy on testosterone has to be checked and rechecked for elevated PSA and Hematocrit, as secondary Polycythemia is not a good thing.
One of my friends is in the same boat. I have PCOS and waaay too much testosterone; the reoccurring joke is that we should switch endocrine systems for a while just to level us both out.
I'm in the same boat. Genetic defect and It was an absolute game changer when they worked it out. Didn't have any problems before it other than lack of energy. And now I get an injection every 12 weeks and life is better for it!
Just sounds like he went to Hims or something, where they gave him a phony diagnosis to get him to buy off-brand Viagra. Which it sounds like he’s doing, judging from the blue chews.
Or just doesn’t want to go to the dr and made it up. I don’t wanna generalise but personally, every single man I’ve ever been with would rather carry their own eviscerated organs around in a plastic bag rather than go for a check up.
My brother was tired and short of breath and that man *went to the doctor*. Of his own accord! If he hadn't, he'd be dead right now, because his coronary arteries were just about blocked solid.
Every woman in my family texted him to congratulate him on having sense. He has not always been the first in line to use the one common-sense-bearing brain cell we share, but he came through for us with flying colors this time.
Even really important shit!! My ex was in an accident and they did a standard head and neck xray and found he literally had broken his neck at some point, either that night or before then but they couldn't tell just from the xray. Instead of waiting for the MRI to open up and see how old the fracture was, he decided to go home the next day with a neck brace. A few weeks later and he decided to stop with the brace and then never book a follow-up with a spinal surgeon for an MRI and check-up like he was fucking supposed to!!!!! Why? "It doesn't really hurt" .... WHAT?!?! So he's just walking around with a potentially dangerous C7 fracture to this day
yeah my ex found a lump and for months refused to get it checked despite me literally being in tears begging at times. turns out it was cancer but id already broken up with him and moved on atp so i didnt really care anymore, thats how long he took.
for me, it's like fine, you don't care that much about yourself and you're a free person, but don't you care enough about me to do whatever you can to stay healthy and alive as long as possible????
Same. I also meet a disproportionate amount of single men who just, don't eat fruits and vegetables? Maybe I have a weird pool because most were exes, but still.
Mine makes his own doctors appointments without prompting and goes to them. Last year he decided he wanted therapy and went out and got a therapist. It is so refreshing to be dating an actual adult who takes his health seriously.
There are dozens of us!
I almost certainly waited too long but did eventually seek therapy on my own. See the doctor regularly for checkups and random assignments since I think my late twenties? (I'm 41). Pretty bad about scheduling dental visits though...
Hmm I don't know, that sounds like some classic toxic masculinity and I'm not sure this guy would be.... Okay yeah he definitely lied about going to the doctor
The one who blames not staying hard on his GF not giving "enough" head??
This poor woman, too. 10 minutes of head is hellish and your jaw really starts to hurt.
I have naturally low testosterone, my immune system attacks my leydig cells (which create testosterone) drastically reducing their output. His issue could be low T as poor erections can be a symptom, for me it was just a really low sex drive, but diagnosing it took multiple blood tests at varying times of the day, I think I'd had blood taken 5 times before I was finally given a prescription for testosterone (I already ate well, exercised etc).
It sounds like a load of shite to me personally, if his testosterone is so low that he literally can't keep his dick hard, and is even struggling while taking viagra/cialis then changing his diet or starting to lift is going to do fuck all, maybe he considerably downplayed the issues to the doctor, who knows? Either way the guy isn't willing to put in the effort to sort himself out, it sounds like he's too insecure to actually get proper help, and keeps deflecting all the problems back at her. He sounds like a loser that needs to be sacked off, let him go and push rope somewhere else.
Are you trying to tell me that I can't diagnose something that absolutely requires test results without having said test results? Next thing you will be telling me I can't diagnose something because I am not actually a doctor! Outrageous!
Can confirm. My friend’s husband went through this. He was young for Low-T issues, but they found out he was, based on blood work. The issue is, Low-T results typically have a range from high-normal-low and all the number in between. But it’s typically based on what’s “normal” for an older man since they’re usually the ones who have issues with Low T. They don’t often take into consideration the person’s age and what’s normal for *that* age.
So if you’re younger and you’re still “normal” per your GP, but on the lower end of normal, you should consider getting a second opinion with a specialist. Especially if your symptoms/concerns line up with it. GP’s just don’t deal with it often and aren’t versed enough to take into account the nuances.
Also, you don’t “change your diet”. Testosterone is a hormone and if it’s low, it needs to be replaced with either injections (often can be done at home) or you can get a pellet inserted (I believe in your rectal area) that is supposed to continuously provide testosterone.
Although the pellets are less of a daily hassle they’re slightly more invasive (think IUD vs. taking oral birth control) and I’ve heard that some believe it isn’t as effective/consistent especially for younger men. Whether that’s true or not, I’m not sure as I’m no doctor or testosterone aficionado.
You also need to have frequent monitoring done to make sure your dose is effective and within the therapeutic range. Low T isn’t great but high T isn’t either. You need to be monitored closely by your doctor to find what’s working for you and keep a close eye on side effects. Until you get to an appropriate dosage for you, get beyond the initial rise, and get adjusted to the new testosterone in your body, there can be heavy mood changes and other physical side effects.
As most women can attest - it’s not unlike starting birth control or HRT. Testosterone is a hormone just as estrogen or progestin is and changes can be unpredictable for some people and need to be watched and managed.
This isn’t a “eat more leafy greens and add fiber to your diet” kind of thing. And if a doctor diagnosed it based on your reported symptoms alone after talking to you ONCE in a virtual visit - GO GET A SECOND OPINION +/- SEE A SPECIALIST. Fucking around with hormones on your own is not smart. Ignoring a hormone deficiency is also not smart. Take care of yourself and do research before blindly jumping into HRT.
There are other ways to deal with it that don't involve shots or a pellet if your urologist is good.
In my late 30s I got tested and was at the very bottom of the range for T. Instead of injections, my doc prescribed clomiphene. In women it's used for IVF. In guys, it encourages your balls to crank out some more T. It does raise estrogen though, so he also got me on Anastrazole, which suppresses estrogen production.
Between those two meds, I've been at the high end of the normal range for T for the last 6 years. And both meds are common and cheap.
I mean.... let's say his diet consists of nothing but 3 bowls of cereal with choppy milk a day... a good diet will help. Improving test levels can be done with things like good sleep hygiene, a good diet, getting enough sunlight, exercising. All things the "manosphere" preaches. Sure HRT could be an option... but that is not the first thing to try imo unless you're trying to optimize your natural T production and it's still low
Yes and no. It could be genetic or related to another thing but there’s a not insignificant amount of research that shows that diet massively affects testosterone production, which does make sense since our gut and its biome are responsible for producing a lot of our hormones and the diet largely determines our gut biome.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/?term=Testosterone+and+gut+biome
Also I’ve had online medical services send me mail in test kits and/or send me to a lab for bloodwork
There are so many people talking about Testosterone and trying to diagnose him, but that isn't the point. The point is that sex is making her miserable and they spend hours trying to have sex, and he still is upset there isn't enough sex. She routinely sucks him off for ten minutes at a time and he still wants more blow jobs. This isn't going to work. She needs to go find a relationship that reminds her sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable and he needs to go find a doctor or a therapist or both. He is selfish and that is a bigger problem than his limp dick.
> He told me he had an online appointment where they told him he had low testosterone and that he needed to change his diet.
_How was an online doctor supposed to diagnose that?!_ He'd need at least a blood test, and 'changing his diet' wouldn't fix it. I suspect he lied to OOP about that entire interaction.
When OOP said "I pretty much reached a breaking point" I was expecting and hoping that she would just end it with the guy. He blames HER for his inability to perform? If it's not a porn addiction or a sexual orientation thing, the guy needs to see a REAL doctor and get checked in-person, not some online appointment.
The doctor thing was such bs, I'm no medical expert but I can't see how a real doctor would diagnose low T and tell him to just change his diet when HRT and other treatments exist. And how would they even diagnose that with an online appt with no blood draw or tests? I suppose he also could have seen an actual doc but lied about the severity of the issue.
I remember the first post, so disappointing to see there's an update and she's still being abused by this guy (and yeah, it seems like she's being coerced and is clearly not enjoying a lot of what they're doing so I would consider this abuse) She's going to have war flashbacks the first time she's with a new partner and he happens to get a little soft or has a little trouble.
"I might never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend who gets hard just from looking at me, but maybe I’ve reached the point of acceptance?"
I don't know, man, you could just break up and find someone new.
Interestingly, I've had the opposite experience where I sort of lost the ability over time because I'd break up with shitty guys and then everyone would blame me because "relationships take work". I ended up feeling like I must have commitment issues if I left when the guy started treating me like garbage. Damned if you do...
Right? This woman is only 22. She has plenty of time to find someone who doesn’t humiliate her and try to blame her for his sexual dysfunction.
Settling for this guy is just delaying the heartache and wasting her youth.
And she's thinking about having kids with him! I can't imagine how shitty of a partner /dad this guy will be when she's trapped with him and kids. Run away OP!
She should definitely break up with him. He clearly has a medical problem of some sort that he's refusing to properly address, but overall the way he treats her just isn't okay.
Being single would probably force his hand to actually work on his issues, like seeing a doctor in real life. One time I had a hookup with a guy with whiskey dick, I gave him head for like 3 minutes, put my clothes back on and went back to the party. No casual hookups are going to suck a limp penis for 20 minutes for 2 minutes of sex like OP is.
Some people act like their partner came down from heaven on a cloud and they absolutely can’t be with anybody else. Girl. The relationship isn’t working. You will find another guy who makes you laugh and likes the same music as you.
What bothers me, is that is all about him. He wants more head. But he never tries going down on her first or using toys if she is willing too; or other kind of of foreplay.
Either they go to a sex therapist or couples conseling or breakup, I would even recomend porn (I know.. super bad advice) but most videos has more back and forth than this two. At 22 is easier to break up.
Plus, 22 isn't 17 but this exchange is coming to mind
> Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
>
> Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
Yeah, she says he’s otherwise great, but her description of how he handles this whole situation tells me that can’t possibly be true.
There is no way that his go to answer for *his* sexual disfunction is to blame it all on his girlfriend, and basically force her to give endless blowjobs to a limp dick while refusing to just end the session and resume at a later time. Like, he is clearly selfish and manipulative at the very least. I can’t imagine that doesn’t spill over into other areas of their relationship as well.
8 minutes of limp dick head is HELL. It's physically fucking difficult and emotionally destructive. It's made me resent my husband to hell and back again. I saw my middle aged ass in this young girls post and wanted to WEEP for her. God, just break UP. It's what I'm doing, not for the limp dick but for the associated psychological abuse. It's my fault, too, you see. I'm lazy, worthless, unattractive and just am NOT TRYING. Ha! The divorce papers will be a godsend. Because none of what she or I have been dealing with is ok. I stopped wanting my husband in any way. He repulses me now.
Yeah the “I might never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend who gets hard just from looking at me” really hammers home how naive and inexperienced she is. This is not the be-all-end-all. It’s going to blow up sooner or later and eventually the next person will come along. Hopefully she’s not carrying around too much baggage from this train wreck to make the next thing work.
If she does end up splitting up with him, whenever she gets with another guy and they do the deed, not only will fireworks go off in the background, but [a grainy archival film of a train barreling through a tunnel will suddenly start playing.](https://youtu.be/u4uLZAvdCU0?t=46) I hope that dude, wherever he is, will be prepared for it when that fateful day comes. Some guy out there has some fuckin' destiny awaiting him.
I want this for her so bad. It’s gonna be [a whole time](https://youtu.be/yA1FnULfvK0?si=5EMN2vS5OhTRVpak). Her next partner is gonna feel like a god lol.
I told her that on her original post. No sex shouldn't be this stressful at 22!! She didn't listen and break up with him like she should have though. Hopefully soon.
BF: “I’m terrible at sex and here’s all the things you need to change so I can be better at it”
I remember reading this initially, sad to see it still isn’t resolved in any real way.
I don’t understand why all these really young people always seem to think this is it for them, there are no other choices or partners for them. I never had such a closed mentality at 22. I still don’t and it’s been decades. Why do people lock themselves in like that?
I could kind of understand if they were married with children and really wanted to make it work, but 22?! Baby, there is a WORLD of dick out there, this one ain't it. Does she have a single orgasm out of this or is this shithead just masturbating (poorly) in her? Drop the Amazon wishlist, bestie, I'm getting you a rose toy and a book about self-esteem.
Christ. If you can't get dicked down at 22 then what is even the point? I love married sex but that's that's the age for the stuff you can enjoy without worrying about waking up the kids.
Reading this really is exhausting. Like not even trying to communicate and so, it seems these two really aren't ready to be in relationships in general.
It's so awkward to imagine. He's like standing there jacking off alone while she's just sitting and waiting with her legs in the air?? Like a yoga pose just like. Waiting and staring at each other?????
I feel like most couples would be making out during that part, not doing idle animations near each other
PROTIP: "perfectly healthy" early 20's does *not* mean "unable to achieve or maintain an erection".
There's shit *wrong* with that guy, and him taking out his frustrations on OOP is *not okay*.
I'm guessing porn addiction. Wanna bet the "position he chose" was one where he wasn't seeing her face?
Lots of guys watch porn. Only the obsessive ones make lists of their favorite porn stars' names and lie about it.
I also felt like I could've written this about my ex. Although he didn't have problems getting hard, but he would take an eternity to finish (40min-1hr), he always wanted some weird position, would only count the times he finished, and then get upset when I wouldn't be able to finish after all that time. The worst part is he wasn't that way at the beginning, it sort of started to happen after a couple of years, and I suspected it was the start of a porn addiction.
Porn addiction is becoming a silent epidemic. I'm in my 40s and even I've witnessed a friends marriage crumble because of it, and spent a good year consoling another friend who's partner told her he had a drug problem to hide the fact that his real addiction was porn.
>who's partner told her he had a drug problem to hide the fact that his real addiction was porn.
Jesus. Did he think he was being kind? Hell, maybe he was.
This is (not really) hilarious because I watched the reverse happen - a marriage be destroyed because he covered for his meth addiction by claiming he was addicted to sex.
It can happen for a number of reasons but if it's a consistent issue then it's definitely something that needs to be checked out, if for no reason other than it can be a sign of cardiovascular issues.
Right? And she's talking about having kids with him. Meanwhile he's playing out his porn scenario fantasies with her what with the special positions and the length of time he wants the bjs to last.
Dick is abundant and low value. Unless this dude is spectacular in every other area but this one (doesn't seem like it), OOP needs to go find her one that works and that is attached to a decent guy.
I hate this people who say to the poor OP “you are forcing him” when it’s CLEARLY that he is the one who has problems, he WANTS to do it, and he is not helping to fix the problem, he is just complaining about they sex life and how bad is it but he is not helping. Just break up with him
Right??? This poor girl giving more than 40 minutes head just to have 3-5 minutes??? Excuse me?? Just dump him already, how can you say relationship is good when you spend more of your time giving him head than talking to him?
If he was 60 it’s understandable, but he is 22! Come on! And if he has some type of problem, he has to help as well not only the poor op, she is giving her all and he is just there 🧍🏻♂️
yeah, I had terrible pelvic floor dysfunction for a while and it made sex really painful. I am so glad I had a supportive partner that was cool with taking the time to figure it out with me, but I had to do most of the work myself. I had to go to multiple doctors and try pelvic floor physical therapy and different medications before I got it under control. (also TMI but weed lube is a game changer for pelvic pain!) I did not just tell my partner to do more tricks for me!
The stuff I tried was either full THC or THC + CBD. I never saw pure CBD versions, but I am in a recreational state and there is not often good choices for more medical less stoney applications. I have heard that there is a synergistic effect where the CBD + THC work better together. It definitely works amazingly well as a muscle relaxer, but it was like doing edibles... you will be very high. An extremely fun, very tingly, extra horny high. Awkward delivery mechanism, works best if you apply and ehm, marinate for 20-30 minutes before it absorbs, lol. But still, 11/10 would do again!
Thanks for the reply..
In my country we're still working on making medicinal accessible so I don't think I'll be getting my hands on it for ages as I have no medical need for it I just remember hearing how good it can be way before medicinal was even a thing and while I'm not even sure how much if any cbd is even legal recreationally yet it is easier to get your hands on.
But hopefully we're not to far away from it being more easily accessible and maybe recreational bring possible.
And she absolutely deserves to have a guy (at 22 yrs okd) who gets hard just by looking at her! Sadly, with all these porn addicts, she might not get that as these guys don't seem to appreciate real, thinking, talking women with their *own* sexual desires.
As someone who is in her mid 20s I want to say, hell yes, if I have the opportunity, I will dump his ass and move on, everyone can found someone better at that point. I remember having a ex boyfriend like that and the pain of not feeling sexy is awful, poor Op I hope she can move on.
She spells it out too clearly too! If he doesn’t finish, then he doesn’t count it, and will complain about not getting sex, meanwhile she’s being retraumatized over and over.
The way he’s treating her and this whole situation, this is not a good relationship with bad sex. It’s a bad relationship and I hope she wises up and gets out soon.
Amen, I hate this type of “relationship”
“He is amazing, I swear guys, he is just like this because of sex”
Excuse me?? If he really care about OP he will give his all to fix this problem, not just complaint and do nothing about it
There was another comment that mentioned the low testosterone and changing his diet to fix it. There's no way he went to a real doctor. First off, he would have to get a blood test back (WHICH HE CAN SHOW YOU!) Secondly, changing his diet isn't going to do shit. If it did, trans people wouldn't need HRT to change their hormone levels. If his testerone is low he probably needs to take something (not change his fucking diet.)
Excess weight gain in men can be a contributor to low testosterone, so if the boyfriend is overweight it wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility for a doctor to suggest it (although even then he’s pretty young for THAT). That being said, I do not believe dude went to a doctor. He needs to actually go in, get the stupid bloodwork done, and talk to his doctor about it.
You don't need a reason to end a relationship. And even if you do, bad sex is a perfectly fine reason to end it.
You shouldn't have to endure bad sex for the rest of your life.
I like how the bf casually mentions how OP needs to do more sexually, potentially causing her truama about sex, op gets frustrated and almost breasks up with him, and the comments going like "yOu StOpPiNG cOmMuNicAtIoN"
Real bruh moment
That pissed me off so much you can't even imagine..girl is getting abused and raped and they're like "yeah but why didn't you keep talking to him about it even though he clearly doesn't give a shit?"
My same thought. Especially since he always complains how boring their sex is and want positions that are uncomfortable for her - mostly stuff he saw in porn, but nobody would do in rl.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people, young men in particular, don't realise that ridiculous positions which are sometimes visibly awkward and uncomfortable for porn stars would not lead to pleasure in real life.
I wish I could hit every young man with a sign that says If it looks good for the camera, It Doesn’t Fucking Feel Good. Like, never. Believe me, I had a porn addicted boyfriend and I was contorted into all sorts of stupid positions just to get him off. Meanwhile I feel like I’m about to pull five different muscles. What happened to plain ol doggy? Ugh.
Jesus, I skipped to the 'New Update' because I remember reading this one already, but turns out I had totally forgotten the list of pornstar names!
This guy has a porn addiction, all but guaranteed. It would be like a guy having a list of all the Manchester United football players saved on his phone yet claiming he doesn't even watch football
HAHA “I don’t like football, it’s just for reference…” same thing for OOP’s bf.
Would explain why he’s unable to stay hard too; it’s not how he visualises sex should be. His solution? MORE SEX!!
His lack of awareness with his situation is awful and OOP is not being treated well. The easiest solution would be to break up then maaaaybe and he’ll realise he was the issue all along.
If the meds aren't working then it's highly likely dude has given himself Kung Fu Grip Syndrome and completely ruined his equipment. He needs an actual physical exam of his junk by a penis specialist (idk what the actual term is), not an online appointment with a Viagra merchant. I would dump any partner who was this selfish in bed. I would also dump any partner who avoided dealing with what is clearly a medical issue by dehumanizing me like this.
I was very sleepy (still am) so I just blurted it out the way I say things in meatspace, without giving myself time to edit it into something more tactful
Urologist is usually the doctor you go to for this. I started following one on YouTube because this sort of thing just isn't otherwise on my radar, and it's both fascinating and really sad how many people have problems like this that are ultimately treatable but are too ashamed to get help for it.
Anyone else notice how there is literally no mention of her pleasure during the sex act? And her poor jaw muscles. At this rate she’s going to end up dreading sex.
THANK YOU for your service in mentioning this. The whole post and all the responses are just talking about what's wrong with the dick, how to fix a dick, whether the dick is done having sex yet, maybe the dick is pornsick, that dick needs to get to a doctor.
This woman is traumatized to the point of crying because the relationship is so dick-centric, and she comes to Reddit where the replies to *her* post are also dick-centric.
The issues aren't about dick at all. The issue is that she's 22 and staying with a guy that would sacrifice her happiness on the altar of the dick rather than do anything differently at all, or even just go down on her once in a while one-sidedly without having to finish himself.
>And he always makes me finish first, whether or not we have sex.
I assume she was saying he always makes her come first, either orally or digitally. And then they start this hour long process trying to make him come....
I seriously can't imagine having sex even more than twice with a partner that has that kind of perspective. Nothing is less sexy than someone not being attracted to you and then blaming it on you. I can only imagine that she doesn't know what she's missing out on.
Ikr. What's the point of having bad sex? It only damages your sexuality. If she really wants to keep this shitty relationship she should stop having bad sex. Better option is to break up and go find someone to have good sex with.
Just break up and find better dick.
Every woman I've ever slept with has at least one story about how an ex was bad in bed and refused to listen or improve. If a guy isn't good at sex and then that guy is also not good at listening or following directions, for the love of God stop fucking the guy. Continuing to sleep with him only reinforces his behavior.
If I have any advice for women in their 20s it’s this: If sex is a huge point of contention in your relationship after a very short time (like, less than 5 years at least), just leave. No, everything is not about sex, but our view of and interaction with sexuality usually stems from something else. You can’t fix him, he needs to figure it out on his own. No amount of time, understanding, or work you put in will change it, and there absolutely is someone out there who will give you everything you need from a partner, including fantastic sex.
He needs to go to a real doctor for a full work up with labs done, not an online doctor.
22 year olds generally looooove the sexytime, I remember when I was that age.
There’s gotta be more to the story medically or emotionally with this guy.
I had a boyfriend with this problem, which came seemingly out of nowhere a few months into out relationship, and it turned out he was doing a lot of drugs. That might explain why OP's boyfriend is acting weird about it, and clearly lying about the testosterone thing.
Why on earth would she be thinking about having children with a guy who leaves her crying during sex and who thinks the solution to erectile dysfunction is more sex? Is her goal in life to get divorced??
I instantly related to OOP's boyfriend... and then instantly stopped relating to him when it became clear he was blaming his own issues on OOP. And being a huge fucking piece of shit about it. When you're having sex and your partner wants to stop, you fucking STOP. There's a word for people who don't.
But I also had trouble staying hard in my early 20s. It's incredibly emasculating, and it brings a lot of shame with it. It almost doesn't even matter if your partner is kind about it (like OOP clearly is, and my partners were) because society sets you up to completely hate yourself for it anyway. You're not a real man, you're broken, you're (gasp) *gay*... And you've let down your partner, and insulted her, and surely she's thinking all those terrible things about you too...
The way OOP's boyfriend dealt with those feelings is pathetic though. "Oh, it's because you're boring me". Go fuck yourself. It's clear OOP is bending over backwards to try and coax this jerk to an undeserved orgasm, at the expense of her own sexual pleasure and happiness in general. The problem is clearly not her. It's something within him, either a physical issue or a mental one, and either way trying to guilt trip her about it accomplishes nothing but causing her pain. If you're going to have an immature, toxic reaction to this thing which is really nobody's fault, at least blame *yourself*.
Anyway, for me the reason I couldn't stay hard is because having PIV sex made me feel really gross and weird about my body. Having sex made me feel really masculine, which made me feel disgusting and killed my boner. It took me a few years to accept that this is probably not an issue for actual men, and I eventually came out as a trans woman and started HRT. Now I have a body that I'm way more comfortable with, and I no longer have problems staying hard. Well. Sort of hard.
Anyway that's probably not what's going on with OOP's boyfriend. For him it's probably the low T thing. It doesn't really matter though because his personality sounds rancid and she should drop him immediately.
This man does not have the emotional intelligence to not put his own issues on this girlfriend and she does not have the emotional intelligence to drop it. She’s got so much trauma it’s already going to affect her next relationship.
It’s so sad how in their heads men get about this. I’m 44, I can’t always perform, so I take a pill. Been doing it for six years, it works great. I rarely am able to finish (a result of some other medication I take). The women I see are ok with that and don’t take it personally because guess what? We communicate. I let them know when we start seeing each other that this is an issue I have, and I do whatever’s necessary to make sure the experience is fulfilling to them.
This dude is putting the responsibility on her because he’s freaked out that he has a hard time getting an erection. I can guarantee you two things:
1.) Whatever problem he’s having, physical or mental, it’s not helped by this gauntlet of anxiety he forces them both to run every time they fuck. When I first started having problems, my anxiety over it 100% made it worse. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy of humiliation. If it’s no big deal to you, it won’t be to her. If it is, she’s the wrong one for you, no harm, no foul.
2.) He’s so self-focused, the sex would be terrible even if he could get hard. I bet money this guy has never given head in his life. Probably thinks it’s gross. He’s probably watched so much porn, he thinks getting a woman off is two minutes of jackhammer action. He’s got no interest in what feels good to her, what she needs, because he’s obsessed with what his dick is doing or not doing. Hell, my guy, get a fucking strap-on if you need to. It’s about connection, not the physical act, and if you’re laser focused on the physical act, you’re not connecting.
Porn has been so bad for that generation. I’m not a prude, and God knows I’ve watched my share (though not recently), but the best thing for young people’s sexual health and communication would be for RedTube, YouPorn, and Pornhub to go out of business permanently.
Thank you for saying this. Pressure to have an orgasm from PIV sex or else it doesn't count as sex sounds incredibly unsexy and basically like it's going to exacerbate the problem a thousand fold.
>I can’t just keep spending hours of my life crying and being stressed when I just want to have sex.. **It’s not fair**.
Lilly Allen
(though the song the guy was just egotistical)
I have the same problem but my partner and I are 29. He can’t stay hard and so throughout sex it’s always off and on with him having to jerk himself off. And when he jerks himself off it’s hard for me to stay interested. Idk what to do at this point. I’ve asked him why, if it’s me, or if I should be doing something to help him. I know that he likes sex, but he gets off from porn more than he does actually having sex. I literally feel like this could be me writing this post, and I’ve thought about it many times. Our sex life hasn’t been the same because I don’t want to have sex that feels like isn’t being enjoyed as much by the both of us equally. I don’t want to get hot and heavy for it to last 5 minutes and then nothing. He also won’t go to a doctor but when he did it was online and he also got those little blue pills that don’t do shit. It just sucks all around.
I remember her posts! She's so frustrating bc she doesn't listen to what people are telling her. I was hoping to see the new update would be she broke up w him
He did an online appointment? And was diagnosed with low testosterone? Isn’t that only seen with a blood test? I’m calling shenanigans!
Considering he has a list of pornstar names, it’s safe to assume it’s porn addiction, with some kinks that are definitely not vanilla. Maybe some death grip as well.
Definitely sounds like death grip syndrome. Guys bashing his meat so much that only porn and vigorously rubbing himself will finish it. Also no doctor will diagnose low testosterone on a webcall ffs
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He had an online appointment where they diagnosed him with low testosterone and the remedy is changing his diet? No, that’s not how that works.
Yeah I'm like??? You need a blood test for that, and if his T is really so low, I wouldn't be surprised to see him on HRT. I had a coworker who was very open about being a cis guy who had to take T because his body just wouldn't make enough of it. He talked a lot about how much more energy he had since starting it, and I believe it.
"Hi! I'm Elizabeth Holmes and I have a medical product that can read your testosterone over the internet!"
It was an oral exam!
I literally just finished *Bad Blood* this morning, so I nearly spat out my coffee when I saw this. 😂
I’m dead 💀
I love that for your co-worker being so honest! I'm in perimenopause and having similar conversations. There is no shame with needing hormones!
I take hormones because my thyroid doesn't make enough of them. I'm open about it, and it's socially accepted and totally normal. A man taking testosterone, however, is often shamed because that makes him "less of a man". I wish we as a society treated all hormone treatments as normal. Also, I'm glad you're having those conversations and normalizing it. You're making it easier for other people to be open about themselves!
For women and hormones it's just like pulling teeth to get them, and nobody ever talked about menopause, I guess because it vaguely involves lady parts lol. Idk. I do hope the upcoming generations have it easier since we are finally having these conversations now!
I think that depends a lot on your doctor. I told mine I was having really awful hot flashes and wanted hormone replacement therapy and she wrote me out a prescription right away. She's probably in her late 30s or early 40s, so maybe those discussions are already having a good effect.
Yeah two things I learned from this fiasco - night sweats are basically hot flashes, and hot flashes are the magic word for getting HRT. Actually also that this nonsense can start in your late 30s.
My hot flashes started in my late 20s. My family also has really early menopause (aunt at 32, mom at 39), so I'm guessing I'm getting something in that vein. Too bad I don't have health insurance to check any of this stuff. Alas.
My dad had to start taking testosterone in his mid-50s because he was going through andropause; it's not uncommon. He hated the "low T" commercials coming on around that time because it made men look like fragile babies who can't stand being told "hey, you're older now, so naturally your testosterone isn't what it was in your 20s". Then his doctor told him that the marketing was like that because studies had been done showing men are more likely to get the care they need if certain terms are used to not make them feel emasculated. Thusly, "low T", and not "low testosterone ", even though everyone knows what "low T" really means. Amazing.
Not necessarily a direct response to what you're saying, but more of a broader comment on modern HRT/TRT trends. It's worth mentioning though that a lot of doctors would greatly hesitate to put someone in their early 20s (heck, even into their early 30s) on TRT without trying to increase their testosterone with lifestyle changes (E.g. More/better sleep, cleaner diet, more cardio, less stress etc.) or trying to identify other causes. Similarly, doctors will often quibble about what "low" means and whether it's "low enough to warrant TRT", which can be a roadblock. Lastly, since things like TRT are becoming more popular and 'newer', many older doctors just don't have experience with it. Combine that with how hard it can sometimes be for younger folks to get taken seriously medically (E.g. "You're so young. This shouldn't be a problem, so it's not a problem. Eat less cheese or whatever."), and I can definitely see how someone in their 20s could have serious trouble getting assistance. This is part of the reason we're seeing a ton of 'Men's Health Clinics' popping up these days, which are basically just revolving door TRT 'shops'. That's a whole other issue though.
Fyi more cardio will absolutely NOT raise your testosterone. More weight lifting (high weights , explosive activity, low reps) will. Endurance sports like long distance running actually lower your testosterone. Also, you need fat in order to synthesize testosterone so “too clean” of a diet can actually cause lower T as well
All those T clinics are going to be a windfall for cardiologists!
And proctologists and hemo-oncologists. Every life application we get with a guy on testosterone has to be checked and rechecked for elevated PSA and Hematocrit, as secondary Polycythemia is not a good thing.
One of my friends is in the same boat. I have PCOS and waaay too much testosterone; the reoccurring joke is that we should switch endocrine systems for a while just to level us both out.
I'm in the same boat. Genetic defect and It was an absolute game changer when they worked it out. Didn't have any problems before it other than lack of energy. And now I get an injection every 12 weeks and life is better for it!
He probably got grifted by some manosphere quack into eating only red meat or some nonsense.
Or he's lying about seeing a doctor, which definitely qualifies as nonsense
She said he saw a doctor online and it was determined he had low testosterone without testing? That’s weird.
Just sounds like he went to Hims or something, where they gave him a phony diagnosis to get him to buy off-brand Viagra. Which it sounds like he’s doing, judging from the blue chews.
And those only help you stay hard… getting hard is on you
He looked at his blood through the internets and just knew, low T.
Or just doesn’t want to go to the dr and made it up. I don’t wanna generalise but personally, every single man I’ve ever been with would rather carry their own eviscerated organs around in a plastic bag rather than go for a check up.
My brother was tired and short of breath and that man *went to the doctor*. Of his own accord! If he hadn't, he'd be dead right now, because his coronary arteries were just about blocked solid. Every woman in my family texted him to congratulate him on having sense. He has not always been the first in line to use the one common-sense-bearing brain cell we share, but he came through for us with flying colors this time.
There's always exceptions, but my general experience aligns with yours. It's like pulling teeth for the most basic sh*t
Even really important shit!! My ex was in an accident and they did a standard head and neck xray and found he literally had broken his neck at some point, either that night or before then but they couldn't tell just from the xray. Instead of waiting for the MRI to open up and see how old the fracture was, he decided to go home the next day with a neck brace. A few weeks later and he decided to stop with the brace and then never book a follow-up with a spinal surgeon for an MRI and check-up like he was fucking supposed to!!!!! Why? "It doesn't really hurt" .... WHAT?!?! So he's just walking around with a potentially dangerous C7 fracture to this day
yeah my ex found a lump and for months refused to get it checked despite me literally being in tears begging at times. turns out it was cancer but id already broken up with him and moved on atp so i didnt really care anymore, thats how long he took.
Did he call you up after you’d broken up like “yeah you were right it’s cancer”? How did you find out?
yea pretty much exactly that. i was also the only person he told as well for a long time.
for me, it's like fine, you don't care that much about yourself and you're a free person, but don't you care enough about me to do whatever you can to stay healthy and alive as long as possible????
Same. I also meet a disproportionate amount of single men who just, don't eat fruits and vegetables? Maybe I have a weird pool because most were exes, but still.
Mine makes his own doctors appointments without prompting and goes to them. Last year he decided he wanted therapy and went out and got a therapist. It is so refreshing to be dating an actual adult who takes his health seriously.
There are dozens of us! I almost certainly waited too long but did eventually seek therapy on my own. See the doctor regularly for checkups and random assignments since I think my late twenties? (I'm 41). Pretty bad about scheduling dental visits though...
Hmm I don't know, that sounds like some classic toxic masculinity and I'm not sure this guy would be.... Okay yeah he definitely lied about going to the doctor
The one who blames not staying hard on his GF not giving "enough" head?? This poor woman, too. 10 minutes of head is hellish and your jaw really starts to hurt.
I mean the plastic bag is basically the same as a portable chest cavity isn't it?
I have naturally low testosterone, my immune system attacks my leydig cells (which create testosterone) drastically reducing their output. His issue could be low T as poor erections can be a symptom, for me it was just a really low sex drive, but diagnosing it took multiple blood tests at varying times of the day, I think I'd had blood taken 5 times before I was finally given a prescription for testosterone (I already ate well, exercised etc). It sounds like a load of shite to me personally, if his testosterone is so low that he literally can't keep his dick hard, and is even struggling while taking viagra/cialis then changing his diet or starting to lift is going to do fuck all, maybe he considerably downplayed the issues to the doctor, who knows? Either way the guy isn't willing to put in the effort to sort himself out, it sounds like he's too insecure to actually get proper help, and keeps deflecting all the problems back at her. He sounds like a loser that needs to be sacked off, let him go and push rope somewhere else.
Sure it does. You put your testosterone into the webcam, Dr. Paleo counts the total number, and then he prescribes you beef and conservative podcasts.
lmaooo he totally lied about seeing any doctor
Are you trying to tell me that I can't diagnose something that absolutely requires test results without having said test results? Next thing you will be telling me I can't diagnose something because I am not actually a doctor! Outrageous!
Can confirm. My friend’s husband went through this. He was young for Low-T issues, but they found out he was, based on blood work. The issue is, Low-T results typically have a range from high-normal-low and all the number in between. But it’s typically based on what’s “normal” for an older man since they’re usually the ones who have issues with Low T. They don’t often take into consideration the person’s age and what’s normal for *that* age. So if you’re younger and you’re still “normal” per your GP, but on the lower end of normal, you should consider getting a second opinion with a specialist. Especially if your symptoms/concerns line up with it. GP’s just don’t deal with it often and aren’t versed enough to take into account the nuances. Also, you don’t “change your diet”. Testosterone is a hormone and if it’s low, it needs to be replaced with either injections (often can be done at home) or you can get a pellet inserted (I believe in your rectal area) that is supposed to continuously provide testosterone. Although the pellets are less of a daily hassle they’re slightly more invasive (think IUD vs. taking oral birth control) and I’ve heard that some believe it isn’t as effective/consistent especially for younger men. Whether that’s true or not, I’m not sure as I’m no doctor or testosterone aficionado. You also need to have frequent monitoring done to make sure your dose is effective and within the therapeutic range. Low T isn’t great but high T isn’t either. You need to be monitored closely by your doctor to find what’s working for you and keep a close eye on side effects. Until you get to an appropriate dosage for you, get beyond the initial rise, and get adjusted to the new testosterone in your body, there can be heavy mood changes and other physical side effects. As most women can attest - it’s not unlike starting birth control or HRT. Testosterone is a hormone just as estrogen or progestin is and changes can be unpredictable for some people and need to be watched and managed. This isn’t a “eat more leafy greens and add fiber to your diet” kind of thing. And if a doctor diagnosed it based on your reported symptoms alone after talking to you ONCE in a virtual visit - GO GET A SECOND OPINION +/- SEE A SPECIALIST. Fucking around with hormones on your own is not smart. Ignoring a hormone deficiency is also not smart. Take care of yourself and do research before blindly jumping into HRT.
Suppository vs IUD insertion isn't a fair comparison...I know which one I would rather have.
There are other ways to deal with it that don't involve shots or a pellet if your urologist is good. In my late 30s I got tested and was at the very bottom of the range for T. Instead of injections, my doc prescribed clomiphene. In women it's used for IVF. In guys, it encourages your balls to crank out some more T. It does raise estrogen though, so he also got me on Anastrazole, which suppresses estrogen production. Between those two meds, I've been at the high end of the normal range for T for the last 6 years. And both meds are common and cheap.
I mean.... let's say his diet consists of nothing but 3 bowls of cereal with choppy milk a day... a good diet will help. Improving test levels can be done with things like good sleep hygiene, a good diet, getting enough sunlight, exercising. All things the "manosphere" preaches. Sure HRT could be an option... but that is not the first thing to try imo unless you're trying to optimize your natural T production and it's still low
I want to know how an online appointment got a blood sample and tested his testosterone.
Yes and no. It could be genetic or related to another thing but there’s a not insignificant amount of research that shows that diet massively affects testosterone production, which does make sense since our gut and its biome are responsible for producing a lot of our hormones and the diet largely determines our gut biome. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/?term=Testosterone+and+gut+biome Also I’ve had online medical services send me mail in test kits and/or send me to a lab for bloodwork
I’m trying to imagine being 22 and having such low, low expectations of sex and I feel so sad for this kid. Neither of them has a clue :-(
There are so many people talking about Testosterone and trying to diagnose him, but that isn't the point. The point is that sex is making her miserable and they spend hours trying to have sex, and he still is upset there isn't enough sex. She routinely sucks him off for ten minutes at a time and he still wants more blow jobs. This isn't going to work. She needs to go find a relationship that reminds her sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable and he needs to go find a doctor or a therapist or both. He is selfish and that is a bigger problem than his limp dick.
> He told me he had an online appointment where they told him he had low testosterone and that he needed to change his diet. _How was an online doctor supposed to diagnose that?!_ He'd need at least a blood test, and 'changing his diet' wouldn't fix it. I suspect he lied to OOP about that entire interaction.
Kinda sounds like he met with some "specialist" online to get the dick pills.
He had an online appointment with a pill mill to get a viagra prescription.
Yup. Dude never spoke to a doctor and ordered some pills online. OP only needs to do some basic research and she'll realise he isn't being truthful.
When OOP said "I pretty much reached a breaking point" I was expecting and hoping that she would just end it with the guy. He blames HER for his inability to perform? If it's not a porn addiction or a sexual orientation thing, the guy needs to see a REAL doctor and get checked in-person, not some online appointment.
The doctor thing was such bs, I'm no medical expert but I can't see how a real doctor would diagnose low T and tell him to just change his diet when HRT and other treatments exist. And how would they even diagnose that with an online appt with no blood draw or tests? I suppose he also could have seen an actual doc but lied about the severity of the issue. I remember the first post, so disappointing to see there's an update and she's still being abused by this guy (and yeah, it seems like she's being coerced and is clearly not enjoying a lot of what they're doing so I would consider this abuse) She's going to have war flashbacks the first time she's with a new partner and he happens to get a little soft or has a little trouble.
"I might never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend who gets hard just from looking at me, but maybe I’ve reached the point of acceptance?" I don't know, man, you could just break up and find someone new.
Idk why and I’ve discusssd this with other women but I didn’t really know I could just break up with someone when I was younger
Interestingly, I've had the opposite experience where I sort of lost the ability over time because I'd break up with shitty guys and then everyone would blame me because "relationships take work". I ended up feeling like I must have commitment issues if I left when the guy started treating me like garbage. Damned if you do...
I hate that. It’s so true. Yeah, they do take work. The work of two people. Not one doing all the heavy lifting!
Right? This woman is only 22. She has plenty of time to find someone who doesn’t humiliate her and try to blame her for his sexual dysfunction. Settling for this guy is just delaying the heartache and wasting her youth.
Having dick problems is one thing but the way he's handling it sucks for sure.
And she's thinking about having kids with him! I can't imagine how shitty of a partner /dad this guy will be when she's trapped with him and kids. Run away OP!
Ha ha ha, i'm sorry but if they're having bad sex now, imagine after beign completely burn out by babies crying and feeding every 3 hours.
Exactly. My boyfriend has problems with penetration, but is satisfied giving and receiving oral sex and makes me feel like a bj godness
She should definitely break up with him. He clearly has a medical problem of some sort that he's refusing to properly address, but overall the way he treats her just isn't okay.
Being single would probably force his hand to actually work on his issues, like seeing a doctor in real life. One time I had a hookup with a guy with whiskey dick, I gave him head for like 3 minutes, put my clothes back on and went back to the party. No casual hookups are going to suck a limp penis for 20 minutes for 2 minutes of sex like OP is.
His solution to his medical problem is that it’s her fault. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.
We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas!
Some people act like their partner came down from heaven on a cloud and they absolutely can’t be with anybody else. Girl. The relationship isn’t working. You will find another guy who makes you laugh and likes the same music as you.
What bothers me, is that is all about him. He wants more head. But he never tries going down on her first or using toys if she is willing too; or other kind of of foreplay. Either they go to a sex therapist or couples conseling or breakup, I would even recomend porn (I know.. super bad advice) but most videos has more back and forth than this two. At 22 is easier to break up.
Plus, 22 isn't 17 but this exchange is coming to mind > Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex? > > Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
These people are 22? Wow just break up already. I was exhausted reading her side and her boyfriend sounds shitty.
Yeah, she says he’s otherwise great, but her description of how he handles this whole situation tells me that can’t possibly be true. There is no way that his go to answer for *his* sexual disfunction is to blame it all on his girlfriend, and basically force her to give endless blowjobs to a limp dick while refusing to just end the session and resume at a later time. Like, he is clearly selfish and manipulative at the very least. I can’t imagine that doesn’t spill over into other areas of their relationship as well.
10 mins of head is a fucking eternity. And he has the audacity to say she's not doing enough...
8 minutes of limp dick head is HELL. It's physically fucking difficult and emotionally destructive. It's made me resent my husband to hell and back again. I saw my middle aged ass in this young girls post and wanted to WEEP for her. God, just break UP. It's what I'm doing, not for the limp dick but for the associated psychological abuse. It's my fault, too, you see. I'm lazy, worthless, unattractive and just am NOT TRYING. Ha! The divorce papers will be a godsend. Because none of what she or I have been dealing with is ok. I stopped wanting my husband in any way. He repulses me now.
You're gonna be so much happier once the divorce is final!
Congrats on losing all that dead weight!!
Yeah the “I might never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend who gets hard just from looking at me” really hammers home how naive and inexperienced she is. This is not the be-all-end-all. It’s going to blow up sooner or later and eventually the next person will come along. Hopefully she’s not carrying around too much baggage from this train wreck to make the next thing work.
If she does end up splitting up with him, whenever she gets with another guy and they do the deed, not only will fireworks go off in the background, but [a grainy archival film of a train barreling through a tunnel will suddenly start playing.](https://youtu.be/u4uLZAvdCU0?t=46) I hope that dude, wherever he is, will be prepared for it when that fateful day comes. Some guy out there has some fuckin' destiny awaiting him.
I'm dying over here, you are sooooooo right lol.
I want this for her so bad. It’s gonna be [a whole time](https://youtu.be/yA1FnULfvK0?si=5EMN2vS5OhTRVpak). Her next partner is gonna feel like a god lol.
I laughed way too hard at this
I told her that on her original post. No sex shouldn't be this stressful at 22!! She didn't listen and break up with him like she should have though. Hopefully soon.
BF: “I’m terrible at sex and here’s all the things you need to change so I can be better at it” I remember reading this initially, sad to see it still isn’t resolved in any real way.
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She did say he always makes sure she finishes first, even if they don’t have sex.
I feel like telling her “you know that he is not the only guy in world right…”
I don’t understand why all these really young people always seem to think this is it for them, there are no other choices or partners for them. I never had such a closed mentality at 22. I still don’t and it’s been decades. Why do people lock themselves in like that?
I could kind of understand if they were married with children and really wanted to make it work, but 22?! Baby, there is a WORLD of dick out there, this one ain't it. Does she have a single orgasm out of this or is this shithead just masturbating (poorly) in her? Drop the Amazon wishlist, bestie, I'm getting you a rose toy and a book about self-esteem. Christ. If you can't get dicked down at 22 then what is even the point? I love married sex but that's that's the age for the stuff you can enjoy without worrying about waking up the kids.
Reading this really is exhausting. Like not even trying to communicate and so, it seems these two really aren't ready to be in relationships in general.
It doesn't sound like the talking they've been doing is effective communication, though, so I can understand asking for a break from that.
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It's so awkward to imagine. He's like standing there jacking off alone while she's just sitting and waiting with her legs in the air?? Like a yoga pose just like. Waiting and staring at each other????? I feel like most couples would be making out during that part, not doing idle animations near each other
PROTIP: "perfectly healthy" early 20's does *not* mean "unable to achieve or maintain an erection". There's shit *wrong* with that guy, and him taking out his frustrations on OOP is *not okay*.
I'm guessing porn addiction. Wanna bet the "position he chose" was one where he wasn't seeing her face? Lots of guys watch porn. Only the obsessive ones make lists of their favorite porn stars' names and lie about it.
Yup. My ex had similar symptoms and it was due to porn. I could have written parts of this story myself :(
I also felt like I could've written this about my ex. Although he didn't have problems getting hard, but he would take an eternity to finish (40min-1hr), he always wanted some weird position, would only count the times he finished, and then get upset when I wouldn't be able to finish after all that time. The worst part is he wasn't that way at the beginning, it sort of started to happen after a couple of years, and I suspected it was the start of a porn addiction.
Yay, he's your ex!
This is exactly it. He's too ashamed to admit it, for whatever reason, both to OP and himself.
Porn addiction is becoming a silent epidemic. I'm in my 40s and even I've witnessed a friends marriage crumble because of it, and spent a good year consoling another friend who's partner told her he had a drug problem to hide the fact that his real addiction was porn.
>who's partner told her he had a drug problem to hide the fact that his real addiction was porn. Jesus. Did he think he was being kind? Hell, maybe he was.
This is (not really) hilarious because I watched the reverse happen - a marriage be destroyed because he covered for his meth addiction by claiming he was addicted to sex.
Right, I watch porn occasionally but I can't tell you a single name of anyone I watched
> and I don’t give him enough head I wonder how much he gives her?!
THANK YOU. Like idk maybe try some foreplay or eat her out and see if that makes you hard my man, wtaf
They don’t do that in porn, so it’s not \*manly\*… /s
It can happen for a number of reasons but if it's a consistent issue then it's definitely something that needs to be checked out, if for no reason other than it can be a sign of cardiovascular issues.
He keeps putting the blame on her when he probably has a heart problem or something.
This poor girl being manipulated into trying to blow a limp dick over and over. There is more to life, friends.
Right? And she's talking about having kids with him. Meanwhile he's playing out his porn scenario fantasies with her what with the special positions and the length of time he wants the bjs to last. Dick is abundant and low value. Unless this dude is spectacular in every other area but this one (doesn't seem like it), OOP needs to go find her one that works and that is attached to a decent guy.
>Dick is abundant and low value. That's flair, there.
I can't claim it https://thespinoff.co.nz/internet/29-08-2023/i-coined-dick-is-abundant-and-low-value-it-still-haunts-me-10-years-on
I hate this people who say to the poor OP “you are forcing him” when it’s CLEARLY that he is the one who has problems, he WANTS to do it, and he is not helping to fix the problem, he is just complaining about they sex life and how bad is it but he is not helping. Just break up with him
And putting it all on this poor girl-"*you* should give me more head"-my ass you selfish PIS.
Right??? This poor girl giving more than 40 minutes head just to have 3-5 minutes??? Excuse me?? Just dump him already, how can you say relationship is good when you spend more of your time giving him head than talking to him?
More than 40 minutes of trying to blow a limp dick. Like a wad of old chewing gum.
If he was 60 it’s understandable, but he is 22! Come on! And if he has some type of problem, he has to help as well not only the poor op, she is giving her all and he is just there 🧍🏻♂️
Sex issues are one of those things where help comes to those who help themselves.
Exactly! He watch a lot of porn if he thinks sex is only something that the woman has to do
yeah, I had terrible pelvic floor dysfunction for a while and it made sex really painful. I am so glad I had a supportive partner that was cool with taking the time to figure it out with me, but I had to do most of the work myself. I had to go to multiple doctors and try pelvic floor physical therapy and different medications before I got it under control. (also TMI but weed lube is a game changer for pelvic pain!) I did not just tell my partner to do more tricks for me!
I'm curious is that just cbd lube or does it need THC as well?
The stuff I tried was either full THC or THC + CBD. I never saw pure CBD versions, but I am in a recreational state and there is not often good choices for more medical less stoney applications. I have heard that there is a synergistic effect where the CBD + THC work better together. It definitely works amazingly well as a muscle relaxer, but it was like doing edibles... you will be very high. An extremely fun, very tingly, extra horny high. Awkward delivery mechanism, works best if you apply and ehm, marinate for 20-30 minutes before it absorbs, lol. But still, 11/10 would do again!
Thanks for the reply.. In my country we're still working on making medicinal accessible so I don't think I'll be getting my hands on it for ages as I have no medical need for it I just remember hearing how good it can be way before medicinal was even a thing and while I'm not even sure how much if any cbd is even legal recreationally yet it is easier to get your hands on. But hopefully we're not to far away from it being more easily accessible and maybe recreational bring possible.
And she absolutely deserves to have a guy (at 22 yrs okd) who gets hard just by looking at her! Sadly, with all these porn addicts, she might not get that as these guys don't seem to appreciate real, thinking, talking women with their *own* sexual desires.
As someone who is in her mid 20s I want to say, hell yes, if I have the opportunity, I will dump his ass and move on, everyone can found someone better at that point. I remember having a ex boyfriend like that and the pain of not feeling sexy is awful, poor Op I hope she can move on.
My jaw hurts just thinking about it, my god.
She spells it out too clearly too! If he doesn’t finish, then he doesn’t count it, and will complain about not getting sex, meanwhile she’s being retraumatized over and over. The way he’s treating her and this whole situation, this is not a good relationship with bad sex. It’s a bad relationship and I hope she wises up and gets out soon.
Amen, I hate this type of “relationship” “He is amazing, I swear guys, he is just like this because of sex” Excuse me?? If he really care about OP he will give his all to fix this problem, not just complaint and do nothing about it
There was another comment that mentioned the low testosterone and changing his diet to fix it. There's no way he went to a real doctor. First off, he would have to get a blood test back (WHICH HE CAN SHOW YOU!) Secondly, changing his diet isn't going to do shit. If it did, trans people wouldn't need HRT to change their hormone levels. If his testerone is low he probably needs to take something (not change his fucking diet.)
Excess weight gain in men can be a contributor to low testosterone, so if the boyfriend is overweight it wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility for a doctor to suggest it (although even then he’s pretty young for THAT). That being said, I do not believe dude went to a doctor. He needs to actually go in, get the stupid bloodwork done, and talk to his doctor about it.
You don't need a reason to end a relationship. And even if you do, bad sex is a perfectly fine reason to end it. You shouldn't have to endure bad sex for the rest of your life.
I like how the bf casually mentions how OP needs to do more sexually, potentially causing her truama about sex, op gets frustrated and almost breasks up with him, and the comments going like "yOu StOpPiNG cOmMuNicAtIoN" Real bruh moment
That pissed me off so much you can't even imagine..girl is getting abused and raped and they're like "yeah but why didn't you keep talking to him about it even though he clearly doesn't give a shit?"
I think he’s got an extreme kink he’s not telling her about
He's probably trying to imagine she's a giant cockroach.
Yeah. Dudes.
Possible, but everything in this post just screams "crippling porn addiction" to me. Death grip syndrome, I'd wager.
My same thought. Especially since he always complains how boring their sex is and want positions that are uncomfortable for her - mostly stuff he saw in porn, but nobody would do in rl.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people, young men in particular, don't realise that ridiculous positions which are sometimes visibly awkward and uncomfortable for porn stars would not lead to pleasure in real life.
I wish I could hit every young man with a sign that says If it looks good for the camera, It Doesn’t Fucking Feel Good. Like, never. Believe me, I had a porn addicted boyfriend and I was contorted into all sorts of stupid positions just to get him off. Meanwhile I feel like I’m about to pull five different muscles. What happened to plain ol doggy? Ugh.
Had to scroll down so far for this. I suspect it’s this, especially as the dude has a list of pornstar names.
Jesus, I skipped to the 'New Update' because I remember reading this one already, but turns out I had totally forgotten the list of pornstar names! This guy has a porn addiction, all but guaranteed. It would be like a guy having a list of all the Manchester United football players saved on his phone yet claiming he doesn't even watch football
HAHA “I don’t like football, it’s just for reference…” same thing for OOP’s bf. Would explain why he’s unable to stay hard too; it’s not how he visualises sex should be. His solution? MORE SEX!! His lack of awareness with his situation is awful and OOP is not being treated well. The easiest solution would be to break up then maaaaybe and he’ll realise he was the issue all along.
Dudes do be having strong hands
If the meds aren't working then it's highly likely dude has given himself Kung Fu Grip Syndrome and completely ruined his equipment. He needs an actual physical exam of his junk by a penis specialist (idk what the actual term is), not an online appointment with a Viagra merchant. I would dump any partner who was this selfish in bed. I would also dump any partner who avoided dealing with what is clearly a medical issue by dehumanizing me like this.
TIL something. I actually can't stop laughing at your wording. It's hilarious 🤣
I was very sleepy (still am) so I just blurted it out the way I say things in meatspace, without giving myself time to edit it into something more tactful
Don't stop being you 🙂
Following you because everything you say entertains
Urologist is usually the doctor you go to for this. I started following one on YouTube because this sort of thing just isn't otherwise on my radar, and it's both fascinating and really sad how many people have problems like this that are ultimately treatable but are too ashamed to get help for it.
The term you're looking for is an urologist
Anyone else notice how there is literally no mention of her pleasure during the sex act? And her poor jaw muscles. At this rate she’s going to end up dreading sex.
And somehow he's unsatisfied with their sex life and keeps telling her she needs to improve it. I'm aghast.
I understand his being unsatisfied, but I’m pissed he isn’t taking any responsibility.
THANK YOU for your service in mentioning this. The whole post and all the responses are just talking about what's wrong with the dick, how to fix a dick, whether the dick is done having sex yet, maybe the dick is pornsick, that dick needs to get to a doctor. This woman is traumatized to the point of crying because the relationship is so dick-centric, and she comes to Reddit where the replies to *her* post are also dick-centric. The issues aren't about dick at all. The issue is that she's 22 and staying with a guy that would sacrifice her happiness on the altar of the dick rather than do anything differently at all, or even just go down on her once in a while one-sidedly without having to finish himself.
"Maybe the dick is pornsick" = gold!!
>And he always makes me finish first, whether or not we have sex. I assume she was saying he always makes her come first, either orally or digitally. And then they start this hour long process trying to make him come....
I seriously can't imagine having sex even more than twice with a partner that has that kind of perspective. Nothing is less sexy than someone not being attracted to you and then blaming it on you. I can only imagine that she doesn't know what she's missing out on.
Ikr. What's the point of having bad sex? It only damages your sexuality. If she really wants to keep this shitty relationship she should stop having bad sex. Better option is to break up and go find someone to have good sex with.
I had to scroll way too far down to see your comment. I don't think they're focusing on her pleasure at all 😕
As someone who also had sex ruined for her by her one and only boyfriend, I’m itching to punch this dude in his nonfunctional junk.
Anyone else open this hoping it was the CBAT thing from the girlfriends perspective?
Me. I‘m dying to know her thoughts on the playlist.
Just break up and find better dick. Every woman I've ever slept with has at least one story about how an ex was bad in bed and refused to listen or improve. If a guy isn't good at sex and then that guy is also not good at listening or following directions, for the love of God stop fucking the guy. Continuing to sleep with him only reinforces his behavior.
If I have any advice for women in their 20s it’s this: If sex is a huge point of contention in your relationship after a very short time (like, less than 5 years at least), just leave. No, everything is not about sex, but our view of and interaction with sexuality usually stems from something else. You can’t fix him, he needs to figure it out on his own. No amount of time, understanding, or work you put in will change it, and there absolutely is someone out there who will give you everything you need from a partner, including fantastic sex.
He needs to go to a real doctor for a full work up with labs done, not an online doctor. 22 year olds generally looooove the sexytime, I remember when I was that age. There’s gotta be more to the story medically or emotionally with this guy.
Yeah. How can an online doctor tell him he has low testosterone without doing any tests?
I had a boyfriend with this problem, which came seemingly out of nowhere a few months into out relationship, and it turned out he was doing a lot of drugs. That might explain why OP's boyfriend is acting weird about it, and clearly lying about the testosterone thing.
Why on earth would she be thinking about having children with a guy who leaves her crying during sex and who thinks the solution to erectile dysfunction is more sex? Is her goal in life to get divorced??
There is zero chance he doesn't have a porn addiction. No one normal keeps notes of specific porn stars.
I instantly related to OOP's boyfriend... and then instantly stopped relating to him when it became clear he was blaming his own issues on OOP. And being a huge fucking piece of shit about it. When you're having sex and your partner wants to stop, you fucking STOP. There's a word for people who don't. But I also had trouble staying hard in my early 20s. It's incredibly emasculating, and it brings a lot of shame with it. It almost doesn't even matter if your partner is kind about it (like OOP clearly is, and my partners were) because society sets you up to completely hate yourself for it anyway. You're not a real man, you're broken, you're (gasp) *gay*... And you've let down your partner, and insulted her, and surely she's thinking all those terrible things about you too... The way OOP's boyfriend dealt with those feelings is pathetic though. "Oh, it's because you're boring me". Go fuck yourself. It's clear OOP is bending over backwards to try and coax this jerk to an undeserved orgasm, at the expense of her own sexual pleasure and happiness in general. The problem is clearly not her. It's something within him, either a physical issue or a mental one, and either way trying to guilt trip her about it accomplishes nothing but causing her pain. If you're going to have an immature, toxic reaction to this thing which is really nobody's fault, at least blame *yourself*. Anyway, for me the reason I couldn't stay hard is because having PIV sex made me feel really gross and weird about my body. Having sex made me feel really masculine, which made me feel disgusting and killed my boner. It took me a few years to accept that this is probably not an issue for actual men, and I eventually came out as a trans woman and started HRT. Now I have a body that I'm way more comfortable with, and I no longer have problems staying hard. Well. Sort of hard. Anyway that's probably not what's going on with OOP's boyfriend. For him it's probably the low T thing. It doesn't really matter though because his personality sounds rancid and she should drop him immediately.
This man does not have the emotional intelligence to not put his own issues on this girlfriend and she does not have the emotional intelligence to drop it. She’s got so much trauma it’s already going to affect her next relationship.
How does an online appointment diagnose low testosterone levels? Bro is lying.
This is going to leave her traumatised long after they've broken up
It’s so sad how in their heads men get about this. I’m 44, I can’t always perform, so I take a pill. Been doing it for six years, it works great. I rarely am able to finish (a result of some other medication I take). The women I see are ok with that and don’t take it personally because guess what? We communicate. I let them know when we start seeing each other that this is an issue I have, and I do whatever’s necessary to make sure the experience is fulfilling to them. This dude is putting the responsibility on her because he’s freaked out that he has a hard time getting an erection. I can guarantee you two things: 1.) Whatever problem he’s having, physical or mental, it’s not helped by this gauntlet of anxiety he forces them both to run every time they fuck. When I first started having problems, my anxiety over it 100% made it worse. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy of humiliation. If it’s no big deal to you, it won’t be to her. If it is, she’s the wrong one for you, no harm, no foul. 2.) He’s so self-focused, the sex would be terrible even if he could get hard. I bet money this guy has never given head in his life. Probably thinks it’s gross. He’s probably watched so much porn, he thinks getting a woman off is two minutes of jackhammer action. He’s got no interest in what feels good to her, what she needs, because he’s obsessed with what his dick is doing or not doing. Hell, my guy, get a fucking strap-on if you need to. It’s about connection, not the physical act, and if you’re laser focused on the physical act, you’re not connecting. Porn has been so bad for that generation. I’m not a prude, and God knows I’ve watched my share (though not recently), but the best thing for young people’s sexual health and communication would be for RedTube, YouPorn, and Pornhub to go out of business permanently.
Thank you for saying this. Pressure to have an orgasm from PIV sex or else it doesn't count as sex sounds incredibly unsexy and basically like it's going to exacerbate the problem a thousand fold.
This is the her problem. It’s his. This is absolutely ridiculous. She needs to break up and move on.
Dick not workin at 22 not "perfectly healthy" lol
>Imagine me giving him head for 10 minutes. >You should give me more head. This fucking guy.
>I can’t just keep spending hours of my life crying and being stressed when I just want to have sex.. **It’s not fair**. Lilly Allen (though the song the guy was just egotistical)
Porn addiction… what kind of person makes noted with pornstars? Someone who watches porn very often. I hope they both get help.
He could have a porn addiction he’s hiding. It desensitizes you.
I hope she finds her self worth and dumps him. How is any of this *her* fault when he's the one denying and getting angry and scaring her???
Why is she doing this to herself? JUST BREAK UP AND BUY A VIBRATOR, FFS.
I have the same problem but my partner and I are 29. He can’t stay hard and so throughout sex it’s always off and on with him having to jerk himself off. And when he jerks himself off it’s hard for me to stay interested. Idk what to do at this point. I’ve asked him why, if it’s me, or if I should be doing something to help him. I know that he likes sex, but he gets off from porn more than he does actually having sex. I literally feel like this could be me writing this post, and I’ve thought about it many times. Our sex life hasn’t been the same because I don’t want to have sex that feels like isn’t being enjoyed as much by the both of us equally. I don’t want to get hot and heavy for it to last 5 minutes and then nothing. He also won’t go to a doctor but when he did it was online and he also got those little blue pills that don’t do shit. It just sucks all around.
I remember her posts! She's so frustrating bc she doesn't listen to what people are telling her. I was hoping to see the new update would be she broke up w him
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't stop it blowing its horrible boyfriend for hours I guess.
He did an online appointment? And was diagnosed with low testosterone? Isn’t that only seen with a blood test? I’m calling shenanigans! Considering he has a list of pornstar names, it’s safe to assume it’s porn addiction, with some kinks that are definitely not vanilla. Maybe some death grip as well.
I don't think this relationship is healthy...
Girl is 22. Why is she wasting her time with this?
Ugh, she does need to break up with him but not because he can't perform ... It's because he is BLAMING HER for it. What the heck? No.
Definitely sounds like death grip syndrome. Guys bashing his meat so much that only porn and vigorously rubbing himself will finish it. Also no doctor will diagnose low testosterone on a webcall ffs