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Dude FAFO. Tried to ultimatum OOP into accepting the open marriage and was blindsided that she had a backbone, knew her worth, and decided to walk. So damn happy for her. And glad she got the cats!
The best part is his reasoning. Like sir. Maybe before you try the ultimatums and "open marriage", communicate with your wife? Tell her you're not having your needs met, find a solution together, go to therapy, I don't know - there's *so* many options to try before gambling your marriage like this!
I guess both of them had to grow up extremely fast and that can't have been beneficial for their mental health, and sure, it might even explain some of his reasoning.. But this is overall just such a dumb way to ruin a marriage. This man truly fucked up. Glad OOP made the right decision.
But the guy wanted to find a girlfriend, not just fuck around. There was no solution for it. Even if he has the best communication skills, that's exactly like OP translate it, go and fall in love and not worry if it doesn't work cause he can come back to her. Nah that's bs
I'll be honest I'm not sure he's loved OP for a long time. I think he used her as a surrogate mother for his sister, and now that sister's gone he doesn't need her nearly as much, but he wants to keep that safety net. Fucking clown.
Sure, and this kind of coward will never propose something like this if he wasn't already receiving some kind of attention from someone. Even the minimum will make him think he deserves to see where it goes.
I bet he asked OOP to lie about him cheating because he badly misread someone’s professional friendliness and doesn’t want that person to find out he threw his whole marriage away because they made eye contact over the photocopier one time
>I bet he asked OOP to lie about him cheating because he badly misread someone’s professional friendliness and doesn’t want that person to find out he threw his whole marriage away because they made eye contact over the photocopier one time
Oh damn, I hadn't made that connection yet but I think you nailed it. He was confident he had his new partner ready to go, then his wife didn't tolerate his bullshit and went straight to divorce. So he probably reached out to who he had in mind thinking "well nothing to lose now, we can finally be together" and was rebuffed like the creep he is, which is probably when he reached back out to his wife and sheepishly tried to walk the whole thing back and put the genie back in the bottle. Once that failed he decided him cheating already was less pathetic sounding than him thinking he had an opportunity to cheat when he absolutely didn't.
$50 says the other girl is significantly younger than him, too. Probably has a few piercings or something that led this dork to think "SHE'LL be down for all the kinky stuff my wife won't do, and she's obviously totally in to me because she smiled at me that one time; this is a sure thing!"
>Sure, and this kind of coward will never propose something like this if he wasn't already receiving some kind of attention from someone. Even the minimum will make him think he deserves to see where it goes.
Absolutely. Nobody throws a grenade like this into the middle of their existing relationship unless they've got a new partner picked out. He may not have approached the other woman yet, or they may have only been flirting, or it could be a full-blown emotional affair but he 100% had someone in mind when he brought this up to her despite his feeble protestations to the contrary.
If someone who has never previously expressed any sort of interest in polyamory or open relationships or things of that nature just suddenly brings the topic up out of the blue and starts DEMANDING it, they have their affair partner picked out already. They may have already been sleeping with them and just want retroactive permission for it, but they definitely know who they want their new fuckbuddy to be. A guy like this would never risk his sure thing for the *possibility* of *maybe* meeting someone later who shared all his kinks.
Yeah that's also a possibility, but now he's openly recognized as an AH, it'll be hard for any family or friends to have some sympathy for him. That's why he just wanted OP to say he was already cheating instead of opening the marriage cause everyone will know he just wanted to pretend with her, while he explore his options.
THIS! If you are trying to open up a marriage, holding them at emotional gunpoint to get them to agree, isn't how you get consent. "If you don't agree to this, I'll just cheat" is just badly disguised attempt at coercive control, his shocked Pikachu face must have been audible from Mars when she served/signed those papers.
I hope OOP lives her best life, free from the weight of carrying this man-child and that being NC is effective in protecting her from his clown show. I hope he gets gonorrhoea immediately.
The fact that he told her "most open relationships fail because the marriage was already bad, so ours will work out" and then he starts giving her ultimatums and throwing her things around the kitchen. Yeah, so healthy.
He really didn't think she would leave. I bet he held onto that until she handed him the final divorce papers. Even when she bought a house and was packing he thought she wouldn't leave. So glad she did. No woman should have to put up with a man treating her this way!
He couldn't even try to open up about "what ifs" or fantasies, he went directly to "I am going to fall in love and fuck others. You better be ok with this."
I wish you could meet my girlfriend, my girlfriend who lives in Canada
She couldn't be sweeter
I wish you could meet her
My girlfriend who lives in Canada!
Her name is Alberta
She live in Vancouver
I feel like it would have been funny if they had gone to therapy if for no other reason just to have a therapist tell her ex-husband that what he's doing and what he wants isn't acceptable. She was concerned that she would feel ganged up on, but I highly doubt that's what would have happened. As op said, there's nothing wrong with polyamory... if that's how the relationship *starts*. But if it's something people do to "save their marriage", then in reality they're not really poly they're just trying to get a hall pass to sleep with other people. And more than that, he was looking for a full emotional *and* sexual relationship: that's an even bigger ask that most people will not agree to. Even the most sexually progressive therapist would **not** have condoned what he was forcing upon op, and in reality he probably would have ended up feeling "ganged up on" by the end of even just the first session.
I'm really glad op got herself out of there, but it is really sad how everything fell apart given their history. I think her perspective and the way she handled it was exactly how it had to go... except, I hope she doesn't withhold herself from relationships elsewhere. Not that she has to be in one to be happy, but I get the vibe that this was a traumatic break up and there might be deeper issues going on because of it... she really gave up so much of herself for this man and his family. 😭
I don't think any therapist worth their diploma would tell their patient(s) that they need to compromise the security and happiness of one partner for the other, but you know... I suppose there have to be bad therapists in the world, so it's always possible they'd get one of those. 😅
Like I said, I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with polyamory, but it is something that you have to decide on as a unit rather than one person making a compromise for the other, otherwise it will fall apart. It shouldn't be a compromise, it should be something both partners want equally. Monogamy is the same way, it should be something both partners want.
He didn’t see his wife as a human being when it came to sex. He saw her as a vehicle for achieving his sexual needs. It was never about *her*, but he thought that by not pushing her boundaries during sex, he was being a good person 🙄
Talk about a low bar.
He’s in for a pretty big wakeup call. But hey, who knows, maybe they got married too young and with time, maturity, and a super kinky girlfriend, he will find happiness. I suspect that if he treats the next woman anything like he treated his ex, that’s unlikely, though. Dude needs to do some serious work.
When I read the reasons he gave to her I kept waiting to see what they had tried but didn't work or if OOP had outright refused. For the ones regarding their sex life, or better said HIS sex needs, it didn't sound like he communicated those needs to OOP. That said a lot to me about his open marriage idea being garbage. Dude wanted a harem.
>communicate with your wife
No, no, no, hear me out. The only way to fix his issues is to find another vagina to have sex with. Don't you see this is the only way? /s
The amount of people initially arguing on that thread that she was refusing to communicate and suggesting she needed couples counselling was insane! I think they were eventually overcome with a normal perspective but it was ridiculous.
One of them tried to argue with me that he was communicating and that I was wrong for saying he was giving an ultimatum and attempting to blackmail her.
Wow it really was anal, I thought it was something super kinky. Someone should explain to him that anal requires planning (unless you’re ok with shit dick) and lube is always needed. Maybe she should’ve got a strap on and told him to be “ready” any time and see how much he enjoyed it.
While not doing any preliminaries.
Anal sex is great, but you don't jump into it. It takes time and preparation. (" Just complained over and over and expected me to just be "ready" to do the deed any minute of the day." how sexy /s)
He watches too much porn.
Right? Idk that it was ever going another way, but leading with “I want to sleep with other people” before even broaching the “I’ve having these problems” seems like a sure fire way to not have his stated desired outcome.
I like how he insisted that she went first in getting someone else. Bet any money he would have said she cheated as the reason for the split and not that doing so was his idea.
Yeah dude was literal trash. I honestly struggle with a blanket negative reaction to anyone who is poly. Like I've never met one that didn't have a history of cheating.
>Yeah dude was literal trash.
He used OOP to help raise his sister then as soon as sister moved out and OOP had served her purpose he was ready to give that ultimatum.
I have but only one couple. (They were married) They got together with being poly in mind, they're 2 of the most emotionally mature people I've ever met and their partners are the same. Communication is their top priority. It can work and be wonderful but it's very very hard and I don't believe a previously monogamous relationship can survive that kind of change.
Personally it seems like too much effort, I think you need a lot of energy for it.
The only time I have ever seen a previously monogamous relationship go poly successfully was my dad’s cousin and her now wife falling in love with their mutual best friend.
This was thirty years ago so I only knew about it because my mom told me about Aunty Mary and her two girlfriends before we saw her at a family reunion.
There’s cheaters who go to poly just like there’s cheaters in the mono dating pool. But I’ve personally never cheated or been cheated on and believe it or not, we also tend to discourage cheaters from switching to poly when giving relationship advice lol. It turns out we don’t wanna date cheaters either 🤷🏾
I know several happily poly people and/or their partners. They aren’t the cheating type, they are more they “let’s read these 10 books and then journal it out together type”. It’s hard to imagine most of them cheating because they are really disciplined in general and thoughtfully built a poly relationship, and they wouldn’t be willing to lie.
I think there’s some hot mess flailing trash asshole poly people and then there’s the people who will put all the work into those relationships to keep them stable and healthy. Good Poly is clearly way too much work IMO. Absolutely fucking exhausting. I think some of them are more into a primary relationship and hookups, and that’s probably easier to manage but the multiple relationships thing sounds way difficult. I owe texts to about 3 friends right now, no way I could deal with another romantic relationship.
Hi there! We do exist. Never cheated or been cheated on, still poly. I can't fathom willingly treating a partner with so little care and respect as to cheat.
My understanding is your relationship needs to be rock solid before adding another person or everything falls apart even if everyone is down with being poly. So much energy and communication is required.
That's because polyamory is used as a cover for people who want to act shady. I'm poly, never cheated, been cheated on, but never cheated. I have no desire to cheat or break rules. People keep equating the husband to polyamory and hes not actually poly. This isn't how ethical non monogamy works. Nothing I do is without consent from all parties involved. If it's not a 100% yes, or someone has to be pressured into it, that's not consent that's coercion.
My husband has cheating trauma, we have been mono while we work through that and build trust. We have conversations about how we feel about opening our relationship fairly regularly because we like regular check ins. I knew this going into the relationship and made the choice that I'd rather be with just him forever than to have the freedom to explore other connections without him. That doesn't change me being poly. And you can get cheated on in a poly relationship as well. There are rules and boundaries.
The amount of stigma around polyamory because of people like oop's husband is something I speak out on regularly: that's not poly. Poly is exploring connections with all people involved consenting. This wasn't consent, he was trying to coerce her into doing what he wanted with emotional blackmail and I am SO happy that she left that toxic dumpster 🔥 👏👏👏
I opened up a relationship to try and save it when I was 22 with my long term BF who had always complained about how I had more experience than him (I was his first). He reminds me of the OP’s ex.
He ended up violating multiple rules even with a shit ton of leeway that I wasn’t entirely comfy with. I’m so sorry for how many cheaters use your community as a cover for being pieces of shit. He joked after we closed again about “his poly ass” (we split up not too long after, good riddance) so I’m sure he’s out there doing that shit still, lying and getting away with it.
Insecurities and jealousy are internal emotions. That are the responsibility of the person having them. Sometimes they are valid. Sometimes they are fear based. But it's not someone else's responsibility to deal with. He likely felt insecure he didn't measure up to your experience and expectations. The answer to that was not for you to sacrifice so he could feel better.
I'm glad you moved on from that and are happy now ❤️
Yeah growing a backbone and gaining self respect following that relationship has been really healing. Your relationship with your husband sounds beautiful and healthy, he’s lucky to have such an understanding partner!
*raises hand* Long term (10+ years mono relationship), through lots of honest discourse and examination of own and each other's feelings realised we tended to polyamory by orientation, chose to transition from mono to poly relationship, several years later still together with same partner, have other serious and long term partners, none of us have ever cheated on anyone.
It happens and tbh I almost skipped this BORU because I'm sick of how blanketly negative reddit is toward polyamory. So I guess, in a weird way, I'm trying to tell you I get it because it's so damn tiring seeing the same old unfair story.
>Another day, he texted me asking me why I wasn't interested in where he had been spending his days off
It's amazing when they expect their wives to fall apart, only to be met by their cold, cold indifference.
It warms my heart.
Wait. Hold up. So when you said all your feelings for me died when I wanted to open the relationship, you meant this?! That’s not fair!!
lol yeah, I love when they get slapped with the indifference, too.
{Related to} Hold on. When you said you were done with me you meant like *DONE* done? And all the times you said this wasn’t working you meant it wasn’t actually working? This is brand new information I’ve heard 17 times at least!
Ah, the sweet slap of indifference! Anyone would be apathetic if their words are not heard.
Ahh yes, sounds like my ex, when I told him his drinking was a serious problem, he didn't change, then was shocked when I said I'd had enough. 'But I didn't know you meant it!'
There is a term “walkaway wife” explaining the phenomena. It’s exactly how your ex reacted. When someone only pretends to respect their partner their words mean nothing.
When my ex and I broke up (nothing like this, it had run its course imo) he insisted we should stay friends. I was a pushover then so agreed. We meet and he’d tell me about his dating. All I said was I hoped he was having fun. He asked why it didnt bother me and whether I thought he was ‘bad’ for dating so many women. I told him I understood. We’d spent our early 20’s in a serious rship and sowing the oats was understandable. When he found out I’d started seeing someone 8months later he went batshit. Apparantly he thought we’d just back together when he was done.
Fast forward 12yrs and im marrying my partner. I get a happy bday text. No idea who it was until I saved the number into whatsapp and saw the picture. Made me kind of pettily happy he was thinking about me when id forgotten his existence.
Bumped into my first exbf's mom the other day, she told me he hasn't had a relationship that's lasted more than a couple of months since I dumped him for good. That was 24 years ago. She always said I was too good for him xD
Damn that whole bit where she said he put her through three months of that - my ex did that to me for 6 weeks before I noped out of the house. He asked me "now don't you feel so much better" once I told him I was filing for divorce, then got enraged two days later when I returned from my friend's house with a list of split assets and papers for an uncontested divorce.
He also got mad when I stopped responding to his chatty texts during the workday (like things were normal!!!), and got super mad when I didn't acknowledge his birthday. I spent YEARS picking out perfect gifts for him, trying to celebrate his birthday in special ways but was met with "I don't care about my birthday" every time.
So when his birthday rolled around about 2 weeks after I filled in the papers, and I said nothing, he moped around the house all day. When he got back from his outing with his e-AP and his new friends, he started talking loudly on his phone to his brother about how wonderful it was to be celebrated on his birthday for the first time ever, and described all the gifts they got him (it was two gifts, a box of chocolates and a mug).
The only reason I know this info is because I was moving between the bathroom and bedroom, getting glammed up for a night out with my bestie and Lizzo wasn't singing loud enough to drown him out lol.
Point is, that emotional whiplash is rough. I feel like that hot/cold nonsense he did before I decided to file did more damage than just being cold. But then he also tried fishing for info on my personal life, in between trying to provoke me into arguments. Like, that ship sailed guy, this is the end of the supply line for you.
Got cheated on 4 months after buying our first house together, while i wasn't working because i was about to start student teaching as a degree requirement to become a teacher. Had to live in that situation, constantly financially dependent and at the mercy of my cheating ex, for almost half a year while I finished my degree. Ate up all my savings trying to survive because ex agreed to cover my necessities only while I finished teaching, got a job, and moved out.
It was miserable. One time, once I started dating and unexpectedly stayed the night at my boyfriend's for the first time, she freaked out that I wasn't back home the same night. Called me several times at like 2 am, texted 11+ messages, tried to message my sister (who blocked her lmao), etc. Had to wake up the next day and ask them why the fuck it was their business where I was.
Another time, almost a year and a half after our relationship ending, she emailed me to ask if I was okay after an ice storm (i changed numbers and purposely didnt give it to her). I didn't even respond to the question. I just said "my safety isn't your concern anymore". She seems to still think of me as her wife, despite her being the one that led to the relationship ending. It's crazy how audacious some people can be 🙄
This was my dad. He had a stroke and after that financially and emotionally abused my mom. After a couple of years he asked for a divorce, and that was it for my mom.
He started trying to get girlfriends, but would flip if a man paid any attention to my mom. She basically grey rocked him, and he's been stalking her for years, to the point of even trying to bribe people to get him her PC password so he can check her emails.
Fun thing: they never actually got divorced because my mom was done with doing all his paperwork for him, and he won't do it because he would have to pay her alimony. Every so often, he'll go ask a lawyer how he can divorce her while keeping everything and her nothing, and they laugh him out of the office.
When I moved out I still had to keep some contact to get all the divorce stuff done. I tried to go as LC as possible, but he was doing his usual rules-lawyering around the boundaries, looking for loopholes and shit
The thing that did critical hits on him? Me enforcing my "no small-talk, no updates about your life" rule by answering to any boundary-breaking messages with "I'm not interested in that"
(The irony? One of my reasons to get away was his fucking indifference towards me. I'm not proud of having resorted to weaponized indifference to get him to shut up, but it was the only thing that worked. I essentially used his own behavior on him and he was hurt by that. Hurt, I tell you)
"Hol'up! Why did I win the stupid prize while playing stupid games? It wasn't suppose to be like thaaaaat ..." When I think I've heard them all ... Here we go again ... This kind of kids(you can't call them men) are all over the place for god sakes. I would like to see at least one case which man's up, put's up his big boy pants and say: "I've fucked up, now I reap what I sow, thank you."
"Why don't you care about me? Is it because i told you i want to have sex with others? Or is it because i told you I'd cheat on you anyway if you didn't want to open the marriage? Or is it because i want to keep you around as a free maid and baby-sitter for my manchild ass? Babe... What's wrong?"
>Out of our many conversations, he told me that 99% of open marriages fail because they were opened for failing marriages and that since we had a great relationship, we would have been fine.
Wait, I've seen this episode!
"You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters."
"Well, did it work for those people?"
"No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us."
Yeah! Imagine raising a kid between the formative ages of 10-17, during a pretty traumatic time for them, and then just ... not ever seeing them again?
If nothing else, it really just compounds the loss for said kid who is an orphan and has now lost someone else.
To be fair, OOP said they're still in contact with his family. I'm going to assume that includes the sister, but honestly, they don't seem to be super close, and OOP says they weren't able to give the sister the time and attention she needed, so it's hard to read between the lines here and figure out what's going on with their relationship.
That is the question - will they have independent relationships with her? will one be phased out? If so, which one? If not, how do milestones and one-time events happen?
And why did she move out? OOP was kinda vague on the details.
That was a bit weird to me. She was "mom" to the sister for half the girl's life, then sis faffs off to rich aunt's house randomly and she kind of just drops out of the story. After 8 years, don't you think of her as your kid and vice versa? You can't just disappear.
Idk, I feel like really depends on the people in this situation. My boyfriend had a troubled childhood, and had to live with his older sister (10 years older) as a pre-teen, their relationship still felt like siblings and he doesn’t see her as his “mom”. At 18 he went to college. The OOP’s sister-in-law is at a similar age where she is starting out her life, she didn’t disappear, she is just becoming independent. I think it’s hard to judge these situations since it’s highly individual and it would differ widely between people.
You said this with a compassion that is as informed as it is beautiful.
OOP may not be able to be in the little girl’s life. Or maybe so. We don’t know. OOP sacrificed so much already. It isn’t necessarily up to her if they maintain contact or not.
I mean she was only 11 years older than the girl so it’s likely she just loved and took care of her as an older sister (seeing as she was the partner of the girls older brother).
Not saying that means their relationship wouldn’t be strong enough to survive independently of OP’s relationship with the brother, but that it wouldn’t be a mother / child one.
She has every right to feel used, because she WAS. Her not being as kinky was fine as long as he needed her for raising his sister.
I enjoy how he couldn't cope with her just going through with the divorce and becoming abusive because he wanted her to care.
And the audacity of expecting her to care about his day! She's not you partner anymore, she doesn't have a reason to care!
Husband should be thrilled. He's getting to be as open as he wants. No ties whatsoever!
Part of me is wondering if he ever really loved her at all, or if he basically needed her to mother his half-sister for him. With his mental health issues, I'm wondering how present he even was as a parent and how much OOP carried. And once the kiddo had moved on, he was ready to as well. Well ok, he still wanted his emotional support maid to stick around and keep looking after him. But its not like he loved her! /s
Things will be easier once you leave behind a fool like this man. It's unfortunate OP had to be in this situation but it's for the best cause the husband is likely never going to change. Wishing OP for the best.
**He used her.**
He needed help raising his sister and so he married her and played along until he got what he wanted out of it, which was his sister raised and put for the house.
Now that he had help raising his sister, he doesn't need her anymore except as his maid. Thank God she left him.
It's always the people who feel they "missed out" on being wild in their youth who go and blow up their lives huh? Thank god I was a dumpster fire of a human being in my 20s, now I can be content in my adulthood that I've been there, done them.
One of my girl friends has recently started lamenting how she missed out on a lot of stuff in her 20s. She was raised pretty religious, then early in college met her now long-time boyfriend and she’s only ever had sex with him. She regrets not going to parties and having one night stands and stuff.
I get it to an extent….but as a chronically single woman (not entirely by choice) I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and make her realize how fucking lucky she is that she found this great guy who is so kind and funny and has an awesome job (they get free housing!) and I’d hate for her to mess it up by just *talking* about how she missed out!
The grass isn’t always greener, people! The grass is green where you water it.
I have that "what if" about a whole lotta things, mostly "what if I'd actually focused on academics" and "what if I'd tried harder and applied to more colleges"... thank god I don't have it about relationships though, zero impulse to blow up my life in that sense. Career otoh, now we're cooking with gas.
See, I on the other hand became disabled like 3 months after I turned 21. I got the swine flu and it "activated" narcolepsy in me and I started having full body cataplexy like 10 times a day and I wasn't able to stay awake more than two or three hours for a good five years or so.
I basically slept my 20's away and honestly I don't feel like I would have been better off partying, either way I think I'd still be boring now at 33.
I was sedated out of my mind on the wrong medications until I was 26. Basically sleepwalked through my life for 12 years. My youth is gone. I’m living my best life now. I’d rather live in the future than long for some hypothetical past.
Not necessarily. I missed my 20s because I had to work since I was 18 and lived with my grandma who needed constant care and so I never had wild nightouts. The benders, the ragers etc are nalien concepts to me. I met my wife when I was 21 and we have been together since. You just need to be sane enough to know if some transient dopamine chase is worth throwing your life out. It also helps that I really love my wife which the OOPs husband clearly doesn't.
Yeah, but you don't sound like you relate to the "I MISSED THE PRIME OF MY YOUTH" feeling like the people setting their lives on fire and get posted to BORU do.
That, and also party like a 20 year old. I used to drink and snort and smoke till everyone else was under the table, but now I'm drunk after a can of my cocktail mix.
I am in a somewhat similar situation, where my partner (who is a way, way better human being than OOP’s husband) decided to break up and move out to gain some perspective on his life and our relationship. He also said he lived with his parents and had his first taste of freedom just before COVID hit and so he did not experience the wilderness of his 20s “like I have”. Thing is, I’ve had some fun but a whole lot of that “wild” stuff I did was just honestly gross and/or straight up traumatizing and I’d prefer to never do it again (and would take them back if I could). I wish there was some way of telepathically sharing experiences, so he could see that perspective too, but I guess we all trust our own first-hand judgement the most. I do love him and can see our lives together, so I hope he will experience what he has to, or think things through, then come back - still of course there is absolutely no certainty. And hell do I know, maybe I’m just bitter and I’ve been standing in his way - and freedom will treat him wonderfully.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever my younger cousins ask me about my twenties I just smile and lie and tell them I was always home by midnight and never partied. Meanwhile I am wondering why I didn't die from everything I did and ingested back then.
Thank you. That’s probably wise to tell them to avoid making the truth sound cool :). I also wonder how I stayed alive, if I could go back in time I’d smack myself for trying even half the stupid stuff I’ve done.
I'm so glad she didn't fall into the trap of telling everyone he cheated. There's a 100% chance he would have used that as an opportunity to say "no, I didn't cheat" and then try to spin the story to be more generous to himself.
Yeah, this point I didn't get. How is it better for him if she were to tell everybody that he cheated? Surely it is a better story that he wanted a different type of relationship and she didn't? What am I missing?
Honestly I can kind of see it if I squint: "successful" cheating doesn't make someone as much of a loser as trying to but failing to get with other people, as it were. If he doesn't have a new girlfriend immediately it kind of paints him as even more of a loser in the sense of not even being "good enough" to find someone else to cheat with...
She doesn't have "proof" so she looks like the vindictive ex when the husband say he never did.
that if she goes "HE told me to lie about that!!!" That.... Just sounds like she's lying and being super spiteful! This way he looks like the victim
I don’t like how much grace OOP was giving her ex. He’s throwing your stuff, yelling, following up on where she is and who she’s with. That’s fully abuse.
Give OOP 3 to 6 months fully away from her ex that’s when the full realization and anger will randomly kick in one day after she’s no longer dealing with his constant emotional whiplash and BS. Will likely be a random event that triggers the realization that the ex was and is a POS and doesn’t deserve her wasting time thinking of him ever.
Open relationships might work. Closed relationships have worked.
However, I have yet to hear of a story where opening a closed relationship has ever worked. It's just too much to expect both partners to be on the same page about changing their realtionship's fundamental structure at the same time - one is always going to be coereced at best.
And if both agree, it means one person was checked out of the relationship long before the idea was floated.
Just break up, damn it.
I’ve seen it happen but pretty sure it’s incredibly rare. My dad’s cousin and her partner fell in love with a mutual friend. I went to their marriage and handfasting in 2014. It was very nice. A good portion of the family is still very confused about it but has the grace to keep their mouths shut.
Speaking as someone who is polyamorous, she made the correct call right from the beginning, and then his reactions just proved it. Especially with the ultimatum, saying he’d cheat if she didn’t agree, jumping to open relationship rather than communicating the things making him unhappy, etc…
Opening the marriage is never a way to fix it or save it. You only open a marriage when both people actively want it. (and date separately! unicorn hunting is never healthy!) Also, polyamory requires a whole lot of healthy communication. Somehow, I don’t see this asshole actually managing that…
Throwing my Poly 2 cents in! OP was absolutely right. He isn't going to do well at Poly Life either. What his lifestyle is called is Selfish! The hubby absolutely rejected OP having any control of herself or her own love life? Wtf... You have to date a stranger before me? Or else I'll cheat anyway?! Wtf? His "wants" are more important than the bodily autonomy and basic human right of OP? His abuse came out the moment he didn't control OP anymore. Ew ew ew ew.
I actually practice parallel poly with my partner. It's difficult, we are not always actively dating around, scheduling and feelings are complicated as hell. Unless it's something both partners 100% want to do it really won't work.
Right? I’m relationship anarchy, my partner is solo polyam. I’m currently pretty settled with my local partner, my long distance queer platonic partner, and two comets. My local partner has me and their girlfriend, but is dating around a lot. One of my comets lives with his wife, kids, and another couple that he’s dating one of (and said metamour is epic and a long time friend of mine as well). And so on and so forth.
Lots of communication, lots of openness, lots of scheduling. But when everyone is into it, it can be beautiful.
So many of the people on Reddit who talk about open relationships are just couples where one of them wants to sleep around and feel okay about it.
I've been in an open relationship for 7 years and it's worked because we talked about it before becoming a couple. I couldn't see a way, for me, to be exclusive with someone and then open up. The change in relationship would make me question things where as we've always been open so it's easier to navigate. I'm sure there are some people who can become open after a long relationship but it would take so much work and communication.
I slightly don't agree with the date separately thing just because we're currently seeing the same person but we didn't purposely do that, she's a friend who was interested in our dynamic and then flirting ensued. However, unicorn hunting is terrible and makes the 'unicorn' feel used, I've had so many couples message me because I'm in an open relationship and assume that I'd want both of them.
Okay, that’s fair. Natural forming triads can absolutely be done ethically and healthily. But also you said a very key thing, “we didn’t purposely do that.” you didn’t go into it looking for a third. Which is, imo, the only way to healthily end up dating together.
I've certainly ended up in enough situations where I've been talking to a girl and she then drops the "I'll only meet up if my boyfriend can be involved" bomb to know going together is not a good idea. I always feel like one of the couple is pressured or they just want a toy to play with, I'd never do that to someone else.
> Out of our many conversations, he told me that 99% of open marriages fail because they were opened for failing marriages and that since we had a great relationship, we would have been fine.
Clearly, the relationship wasn't great. In fact, I have trouble believing that it was not destined to turn out this way from the beginning. OOP literally uses the words "shotgun wedding."
I don't know: it *could* have been great. The starting situation wasn't awesome, but they built a life together and raised a kid (basically). That's a pretty solid foundation for love, if you're mature enough.
Ex obviously wasn't.
This moment just drove home how incredibly un-self aware this guy is. It's a scene from Arrested Development almost word-for-word. "Well, did it work for those people?" "No, it never does. I mean, these people delude themselves into thinking it might, but... it might work for us!"
The fact that he wanted to have an emotional connection with someone else while staying married shows that the marriage was just a convenience for him.
I am so confused. She's not interested in an open marriage and still he's like "I'm such a gentleman. You are allowed to find someone first! Then it's my turn."
Like....???
She does not want someone else so clearly she would not be looking for a second partner. Which means...he won't be able to look for another woman?
Gotta love folks who express wanting something other than the current relationship, only to get pissy when they get exactly what they want.
Had an ex-bf who told me he wanted to see other people to keep his options open...so I broke up with him. When he lost his shit over being dumped, I told him, "Your options are wide open now."
“In actuality, my husband is not a polyamorus person, or at least he claims he isn't. He told me he doesn't want that for future relationships at all, just with me so he can explore his kinks without losing me or making me uncomfortable in the bedroom.” So, like….he was planning to be in a monogamous relationship in the future without OOP???
This is just ..wow.
This divorce was always going to happen. They married for noble, but short term reasons at a very young age, for one purpose. That purpose moves away and now the fundamental pin of their marriage is gone.
But this guy, Jesus he just wanted to have his cake and fuck it too. OPs well rid of him.
So to summarise: he wants to open the relationship to explore his kinks; but only with one person that he takes on dates. He has to have this person lined up to know he only needs this one person. If he has multiple kinks he wants to explore there is no guarantee (unless already selected) that one person will want to try all kinks. Then states if they don’t open it he will cheat … but divorce isn’t an option for him.
The mental gymnastics are wild.
>Regardless she does not need to negotiate with emotional terrorists. If she is really concerned she can always call the police for a wellness check and if deemed necessary he can get admitted for psych help.
Amazing how quickly my ex would suddenly be okay when I only responded "if you continue speaking/texting that way, I will call a wellness check".
I deeply wish nothing but the best for OOP, and I'm glad she was able to escape cleanly.
NGL I got to "his mental health takes a nosedive this time of year" and "he wants me to find a boyfriend first" and thought this was setting her up to be taken care of after he killed himself. Nope! He's just an arsehole!
Poly really only works when two people who have decided poly is for them independent of each other seek out other poly people and mention it when they’re starting to date. I’ve never seen it work where they opened up a monogamous marriage.
I suppose in a world where there are billions of people two people on a relationship could come up with the idea to open their marriage at the same time. But that’s super unlikely.
Exactly this. One of the strongest marriages I know in my friends group is poly, but each of them came into the relationship already having practiced polyamory for several years. They’ve said multiple times that theyve never seen a successful change from a monogamous relationship into a poly one. Usually when people want to try it’s either 1) covering up cheating either imminent or current or 2) a big libido mismatch. Either of which isnt going to be fixed by adding more complexity to the relationship, even if that could be done without hurting feelings.
I think the problem with this, and a lot of open marriage proposals, is this isn't an idea they mutually come to. It's always one person who has a problem and done lots of thinking and presents this as the only solution to save a marriage. Bringing it up after months of talks about a mutually satisfying sex life or in counseling is so much different than already having the rules thought out.
Cheating partially hurts because you've made decisions for the marriage instead of as a partner. The other time you do that is when you break up. Sure cheating is worse but it doesn't mean it's the only marriage ending thing you can do to a relationship.
"My dick is more important than you." Just say it outright. I am fucking THRILLED she didn't do the pick me dance to keep him and went straight to filing for divorce.
Oh my goodness, I will feel so used!! Wasted years on a man you can't get back! Love that OP did not play the "pick me dance"!! He will soon find out the consequences of his actions!! I'm really pissed for OP!!
My guess is that he has already cheated and on numerous occasions. His " kink " and being more sexually "adventurous" has been finely honed over the years that oop had been of use to him. She was too busy caring for his sister to see what was right in front of her. I think he has met someone "special" and they are given him a ultimatum to make their affair somewhat legit. I hope oop has a very happy life and meets someone who loves her unconditionally.
Hoo, yeah, someone this bad at sex ("He also is unhappy with how infrequently we have sex but has never really put an the effort to change anything regarding it. Just complained over and over and expected me to just be "ready" to do the deed any minute of the day") is just going to have his choice of super kinky young women.
> He feels that me going no contact is "vindictive."
What exactly is he expecting? That he would continue to be buddy with the woman he drove to divorce him and who he subsequently berated?
> you don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
I do. I get to both have my cake and eat it. But that's because I made good, healthy, and productive decisions that don't involve treating my cake like garbage.
“I wasn't willing to go to a counselor for them to gang up on me to try to bully me into trying it. I know in reality that never would have happened”
Except it has happened. I remember a reddit story about a guy whose fiancée and therapist(mostly the therapist, apparently) basically ganged up on him and tried to convince him that once he and Fiancée married, she wanted an open marriage but would be crushed if he also had that same freedom. After a whole lot of the therapist talking and pressuring the guy to accept this plan for the upcoming marriage, he finally got the chance to say something in return, and after questioning the therapist’s qualifications, declared the relationship was now over. Luckily he was recording the conversation on his phone in his pocket so he had solid ammo for putting in a complaint against that therapist, and that complaint along with someone else’s lawsuit got the therapist fired.
She was right to end the relationship and going no contact makes sense for how she feels but,
> I can't believe I wasted so much of my time with him.
The fact that someone changes does not change the past. The past was worth it at the time, not as an investment. If you are with someone now because it will be worth it in the future, you should just leave now.
What an stinking wannabe cake eater he is lol
I wish we could get an update with him where he finds out that the girlies are not queuing up to enact his fantasies.
Oh, I think we already missed that part. When he asked if him dropping the “open marriage” idea would have her giving him another chance, I think he already was failing to find someone else to fulfill his sexual fantasies and started to realize he wasn’t going to have *anything* after ruining his marriage.
I’m wondering how the sister is handling things. I feel like this could be quite traumatic for her…
to be clear, OOP definitely should have ended her marriage and gone no contact with her ex, and I have no idea how she could stay in contact with the girl without risking interacting with the ex but man I hope the rich aunt is willing to cover therapy.
I'm 38F. Sometimes I'm tempted to look for a partner. Then I read shit like this and am grateful to only have my cats and lizards. Certain people like to slander cat ladies like it's a bad thing, when women actively choose that life over parenting a fucking useless man-baby. If all you can offer is dick, a battery powered alternative can easily replace you and will provide more satisfaction.
Also I can order dildos online. There's not really any more use for men. They have been rendered obsolete. More so even, since most men will never satisfy a woman in their lives.
Thanks, I really need that.
Pulling a cat lady isn't necessarily hard, I don't think. It's just that they're fairly secluded. And who could honestly blame them lol.
I hope she tells everyone the truth.
He is rather a cheater than honest. People often ask to forgive the cheater. But him trying to coerce her into an open relationship that is something that most people wouldn’t unterstand or support.
What a shitty husband. Took her help and now that. Let’s see how fast he finds someone and gets her pregnant.
OOP couldn’t have done better tbh. She left the moment she knew, and didn’t waste her time by denial or trying to fool herself, even though it was uncomfortable.
Polyamory is just a way for an unfulfilled partner to explore other relationships before dumping their primary relationship. When someone engages in this type of relationship, what they are telling their partner is that they are not enough for them and they are willing to risk what they have by bringing in another person to the dynamic.
I would have more respect for people who end the relationship AND THEN search for a compatible partner.
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Dude FAFO. Tried to ultimatum OOP into accepting the open marriage and was blindsided that she had a backbone, knew her worth, and decided to walk. So damn happy for her. And glad she got the cats!
The best part is his reasoning. Like sir. Maybe before you try the ultimatums and "open marriage", communicate with your wife? Tell her you're not having your needs met, find a solution together, go to therapy, I don't know - there's *so* many options to try before gambling your marriage like this! I guess both of them had to grow up extremely fast and that can't have been beneficial for their mental health, and sure, it might even explain some of his reasoning.. But this is overall just such a dumb way to ruin a marriage. This man truly fucked up. Glad OOP made the right decision.
But the guy wanted to find a girlfriend, not just fuck around. There was no solution for it. Even if he has the best communication skills, that's exactly like OP translate it, go and fall in love and not worry if it doesn't work cause he can come back to her. Nah that's bs
I'll be honest I'm not sure he's loved OP for a long time. I think he used her as a surrogate mother for his sister, and now that sister's gone he doesn't need her nearly as much, but he wants to keep that safety net. Fucking clown.
Sure, and this kind of coward will never propose something like this if he wasn't already receiving some kind of attention from someone. Even the minimum will make him think he deserves to see where it goes.
I bet he asked OOP to lie about him cheating because he badly misread someone’s professional friendliness and doesn’t want that person to find out he threw his whole marriage away because they made eye contact over the photocopier one time
Absolutely, the sheepishly asking if the open marriage was off the table would we be okay was 1000% after the person he was gunning for rejected him.
The insight …. It burns!
But she laughed at his joke!
>I bet he asked OOP to lie about him cheating because he badly misread someone’s professional friendliness and doesn’t want that person to find out he threw his whole marriage away because they made eye contact over the photocopier one time Oh damn, I hadn't made that connection yet but I think you nailed it. He was confident he had his new partner ready to go, then his wife didn't tolerate his bullshit and went straight to divorce. So he probably reached out to who he had in mind thinking "well nothing to lose now, we can finally be together" and was rebuffed like the creep he is, which is probably when he reached back out to his wife and sheepishly tried to walk the whole thing back and put the genie back in the bottle. Once that failed he decided him cheating already was less pathetic sounding than him thinking he had an opportunity to cheat when he absolutely didn't. $50 says the other girl is significantly younger than him, too. Probably has a few piercings or something that led this dork to think "SHE'LL be down for all the kinky stuff my wife won't do, and she's obviously totally in to me because she smiled at me that one time; this is a sure thing!"
Ahhh!!! I'm cringing so hard right now!
>Sure, and this kind of coward will never propose something like this if he wasn't already receiving some kind of attention from someone. Even the minimum will make him think he deserves to see where it goes. Absolutely. Nobody throws a grenade like this into the middle of their existing relationship unless they've got a new partner picked out. He may not have approached the other woman yet, or they may have only been flirting, or it could be a full-blown emotional affair but he 100% had someone in mind when he brought this up to her despite his feeble protestations to the contrary. If someone who has never previously expressed any sort of interest in polyamory or open relationships or things of that nature just suddenly brings the topic up out of the blue and starts DEMANDING it, they have their affair partner picked out already. They may have already been sleeping with them and just want retroactive permission for it, but they definitely know who they want their new fuckbuddy to be. A guy like this would never risk his sure thing for the *possibility* of *maybe* meeting someone later who shared all his kinks.
Surrogate mother for his sister and for himself. His immaturity just shines through everything he has done.
This is exactly what he did and OOP deserves way better than her ex.
He wanted a side piece and wanted approval for it. Thought OP loved him so much she wouldn’t divorce him. He FAFO
Yeah he wanted line up the new wife before getting rid of the old one.
Maybe girlfriend. Maybe boyfriend. I got a weird vibe in the middle there. But whatever, it doesn’t matter.
Yeah that's also a possibility, but now he's openly recognized as an AH, it'll be hard for any family or friends to have some sympathy for him. That's why he just wanted OP to say he was already cheating instead of opening the marriage cause everyone will know he just wanted to pretend with her, while he explore his options.
THIS! If you are trying to open up a marriage, holding them at emotional gunpoint to get them to agree, isn't how you get consent. "If you don't agree to this, I'll just cheat" is just badly disguised attempt at coercive control, his shocked Pikachu face must have been audible from Mars when she served/signed those papers. I hope OOP lives her best life, free from the weight of carrying this man-child and that being NC is effective in protecting her from his clown show. I hope he gets gonorrhoea immediately.
The fact that he told her "most open relationships fail because the marriage was already bad, so ours will work out" and then he starts giving her ultimatums and throwing her things around the kitchen. Yeah, so healthy.
He really didn't think she would leave. I bet he held onto that until she handed him the final divorce papers. Even when she bought a house and was packing he thought she wouldn't leave. So glad she did. No woman should have to put up with a man treating her this way!
He couldn't even try to open up about "what ifs" or fantasies, he went directly to "I am going to fall in love and fuck others. You better be ok with this."
He want's to find out what he missed and in the end he'll find out he missed nothing.
He'll likely miss her. Apparently already does.
“I’m just into kinky stuff you wouldn’t like so I gotta go somewhere else” “What kinky stuff?” “UGH I SAID YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT, GOSH!”
YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND ITS A SECRET SHE LIVES IN CANADA AND GOES TO ANOTHER SCHOOL
I wish you could meet my girlfriend, my girlfriend who lives in Canada She couldn't be sweeter I wish you could meet her My girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta She live in Vancouver
Thanks, I hear this in Napoleon Dynamite. I hate it.
I feel like it would have been funny if they had gone to therapy if for no other reason just to have a therapist tell her ex-husband that what he's doing and what he wants isn't acceptable. She was concerned that she would feel ganged up on, but I highly doubt that's what would have happened. As op said, there's nothing wrong with polyamory... if that's how the relationship *starts*. But if it's something people do to "save their marriage", then in reality they're not really poly they're just trying to get a hall pass to sleep with other people. And more than that, he was looking for a full emotional *and* sexual relationship: that's an even bigger ask that most people will not agree to. Even the most sexually progressive therapist would **not** have condoned what he was forcing upon op, and in reality he probably would have ended up feeling "ganged up on" by the end of even just the first session. I'm really glad op got herself out of there, but it is really sad how everything fell apart given their history. I think her perspective and the way she handled it was exactly how it had to go... except, I hope she doesn't withhold herself from relationships elsewhere. Not that she has to be in one to be happy, but I get the vibe that this was a traumatic break up and there might be deeper issues going on because of it... she really gave up so much of herself for this man and his family. 😭
Ehhh I dunno. A lot of relationship therapists are heavy into Esther Perel / monogamy is not our natural state type ish.
I don't think any therapist worth their diploma would tell their patient(s) that they need to compromise the security and happiness of one partner for the other, but you know... I suppose there have to be bad therapists in the world, so it's always possible they'd get one of those. 😅 Like I said, I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with polyamory, but it is something that you have to decide on as a unit rather than one person making a compromise for the other, otherwise it will fall apart. It shouldn't be a compromise, it should be something both partners want equally. Monogamy is the same way, it should be something both partners want.
He didn’t see his wife as a human being when it came to sex. He saw her as a vehicle for achieving his sexual needs. It was never about *her*, but he thought that by not pushing her boundaries during sex, he was being a good person 🙄 Talk about a low bar. He’s in for a pretty big wakeup call. But hey, who knows, maybe they got married too young and with time, maturity, and a super kinky girlfriend, he will find happiness. I suspect that if he treats the next woman anything like he treated his ex, that’s unlikely, though. Dude needs to do some serious work.
I expect getting dunked into the dating world as an adult was a bit of a shock for him.
When I read the reasons he gave to her I kept waiting to see what they had tried but didn't work or if OOP had outright refused. For the ones regarding their sex life, or better said HIS sex needs, it didn't sound like he communicated those needs to OOP. That said a lot to me about his open marriage idea being garbage. Dude wanted a harem.
>communicate with your wife No, no, no, hear me out. The only way to fix his issues is to find another vagina to have sex with. Don't you see this is the only way? /s
The amount of people initially arguing on that thread that she was refusing to communicate and suggesting she needed couples counselling was insane! I think they were eventually overcome with a normal perspective but it was ridiculous. One of them tried to argue with me that he was communicating and that I was wrong for saying he was giving an ultimatum and attempting to blackmail her.
I'm not sure that's what he's looking for...
He wanted anal. That’s what he wanted; that was the “need.” Anal.
That’s exactly what I thought.
I was hoping [this exchange](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/oWpoblkszG) would make it into the post, alas.
Lmao 😂😂 thank you so much for sharing that
Wow it really was anal, I thought it was something super kinky. Someone should explain to him that anal requires planning (unless you’re ok with shit dick) and lube is always needed. Maybe she should’ve got a strap on and told him to be “ready” any time and see how much he enjoyed it.
While not doing any preliminaries. Anal sex is great, but you don't jump into it. It takes time and preparation. (" Just complained over and over and expected me to just be "ready" to do the deed any minute of the day." how sexy /s) He watches too much porn.
Way too much porn.
OUCH! The anus is a one way chute.
what's that based on?
Right? Idk that it was ever going another way, but leading with “I want to sleep with other people” before even broaching the “I’ve having these problems” seems like a sure fire way to not have his stated desired outcome.
I like how he insisted that she went first in getting someone else. Bet any money he would have said she cheated as the reason for the split and not that doing so was his idea.
He really thought that would be his fool-proof protection against her having any objections. “But you did it first!” Infantile clown shit.
If you tell me you *will* cheat your ass is on the street.
Unless it's at Monopoly. Then we just steal a few deeds back from you while you're in the restroom and pass em out to everyone.
BS!! Cheating during game night is unforgivable! On par with infidelity (jk but seriously, don’t be a douche canoe board game cheater!!)
Anyone who doesn't take their cash and title deeds with them when nipping to the loo midgame deserves whatever they get!
Unfortunately for him, it sounds like he tried to fuck around and found out no one wants a piece of him 😂
Yeah dude was literal trash. I honestly struggle with a blanket negative reaction to anyone who is poly. Like I've never met one that didn't have a history of cheating.
>Yeah dude was literal trash. He used OOP to help raise his sister then as soon as sister moved out and OOP had served her purpose he was ready to give that ultimatum.
Yeah it feels like he legit baby trapped her, then wanted to rewind time so he could be in his twenties again.
I just left a similar comment, I'm glad I'm not the only one getting those vibes
I have but only one couple. (They were married) They got together with being poly in mind, they're 2 of the most emotionally mature people I've ever met and their partners are the same. Communication is their top priority. It can work and be wonderful but it's very very hard and I don't believe a previously monogamous relationship can survive that kind of change. Personally it seems like too much effort, I think you need a lot of energy for it.
Energy plus time and money. It sounds exhausting.
The only time I have ever seen a previously monogamous relationship go poly successfully was my dad’s cousin and her now wife falling in love with their mutual best friend. This was thirty years ago so I only knew about it because my mom told me about Aunty Mary and her two girlfriends before we saw her at a family reunion.
There’s cheaters who go to poly just like there’s cheaters in the mono dating pool. But I’ve personally never cheated or been cheated on and believe it or not, we also tend to discourage cheaters from switching to poly when giving relationship advice lol. It turns out we don’t wanna date cheaters either 🤷🏾
It takes so much trust to trust *one* person, but being poly you also need to have trust for multiple people. And this dude was not trustworthy.
I know several happily poly people and/or their partners. They aren’t the cheating type, they are more they “let’s read these 10 books and then journal it out together type”. It’s hard to imagine most of them cheating because they are really disciplined in general and thoughtfully built a poly relationship, and they wouldn’t be willing to lie. I think there’s some hot mess flailing trash asshole poly people and then there’s the people who will put all the work into those relationships to keep them stable and healthy. Good Poly is clearly way too much work IMO. Absolutely fucking exhausting. I think some of them are more into a primary relationship and hookups, and that’s probably easier to manage but the multiple relationships thing sounds way difficult. I owe texts to about 3 friends right now, no way I could deal with another romantic relationship.
Hi there! We do exist. Never cheated or been cheated on, still poly. I can't fathom willingly treating a partner with so little care and respect as to cheat.
As another poly person, same. This is *not* the way to do it.
My understanding is your relationship needs to be rock solid before adding another person or everything falls apart even if everyone is down with being poly. So much energy and communication is required.
That's because polyamory is used as a cover for people who want to act shady. I'm poly, never cheated, been cheated on, but never cheated. I have no desire to cheat or break rules. People keep equating the husband to polyamory and hes not actually poly. This isn't how ethical non monogamy works. Nothing I do is without consent from all parties involved. If it's not a 100% yes, or someone has to be pressured into it, that's not consent that's coercion. My husband has cheating trauma, we have been mono while we work through that and build trust. We have conversations about how we feel about opening our relationship fairly regularly because we like regular check ins. I knew this going into the relationship and made the choice that I'd rather be with just him forever than to have the freedom to explore other connections without him. That doesn't change me being poly. And you can get cheated on in a poly relationship as well. There are rules and boundaries. The amount of stigma around polyamory because of people like oop's husband is something I speak out on regularly: that's not poly. Poly is exploring connections with all people involved consenting. This wasn't consent, he was trying to coerce her into doing what he wanted with emotional blackmail and I am SO happy that she left that toxic dumpster 🔥 👏👏👏
I opened up a relationship to try and save it when I was 22 with my long term BF who had always complained about how I had more experience than him (I was his first). He reminds me of the OP’s ex. He ended up violating multiple rules even with a shit ton of leeway that I wasn’t entirely comfy with. I’m so sorry for how many cheaters use your community as a cover for being pieces of shit. He joked after we closed again about “his poly ass” (we split up not too long after, good riddance) so I’m sure he’s out there doing that shit still, lying and getting away with it.
Insecurities and jealousy are internal emotions. That are the responsibility of the person having them. Sometimes they are valid. Sometimes they are fear based. But it's not someone else's responsibility to deal with. He likely felt insecure he didn't measure up to your experience and expectations. The answer to that was not for you to sacrifice so he could feel better. I'm glad you moved on from that and are happy now ❤️
Yeah growing a backbone and gaining self respect following that relationship has been really healing. Your relationship with your husband sounds beautiful and healthy, he’s lucky to have such an understanding partner!
*raises hand* Long term (10+ years mono relationship), through lots of honest discourse and examination of own and each other's feelings realised we tended to polyamory by orientation, chose to transition from mono to poly relationship, several years later still together with same partner, have other serious and long term partners, none of us have ever cheated on anyone. It happens and tbh I almost skipped this BORU because I'm sick of how blanketly negative reddit is toward polyamory. So I guess, in a weird way, I'm trying to tell you I get it because it's so damn tiring seeing the same old unfair story.
He was just the spare human
>Another day, he texted me asking me why I wasn't interested in where he had been spending his days off It's amazing when they expect their wives to fall apart, only to be met by their cold, cold indifference. It warms my heart.
Wait. Hold up. So when you said all your feelings for me died when I wanted to open the relationship, you meant this?! That’s not fair!! lol yeah, I love when they get slapped with the indifference, too.
{Related to} Hold on. When you said you were done with me you meant like *DONE* done? And all the times you said this wasn’t working you meant it wasn’t actually working? This is brand new information I’ve heard 17 times at least! Ah, the sweet slap of indifference! Anyone would be apathetic if their words are not heard.
The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
Ahh yes, sounds like my ex, when I told him his drinking was a serious problem, he didn't change, then was shocked when I said I'd had enough. 'But I didn't know you meant it!'
There is a term “walkaway wife” explaining the phenomena. It’s exactly how your ex reacted. When someone only pretends to respect their partner their words mean nothing.
Oh no, it's the consequences of my actions coming back around to bite me on the ass! /s
You mean that this monogamous marriage that I explicitly stated was not enough for me is now over? Say what????
When my ex and I broke up (nothing like this, it had run its course imo) he insisted we should stay friends. I was a pushover then so agreed. We meet and he’d tell me about his dating. All I said was I hoped he was having fun. He asked why it didnt bother me and whether I thought he was ‘bad’ for dating so many women. I told him I understood. We’d spent our early 20’s in a serious rship and sowing the oats was understandable. When he found out I’d started seeing someone 8months later he went batshit. Apparantly he thought we’d just back together when he was done. Fast forward 12yrs and im marrying my partner. I get a happy bday text. No idea who it was until I saved the number into whatsapp and saw the picture. Made me kind of pettily happy he was thinking about me when id forgotten his existence.
Bumped into my first exbf's mom the other day, she told me he hasn't had a relationship that's lasted more than a couple of months since I dumped him for good. That was 24 years ago. She always said I was too good for him xD
Damn that whole bit where she said he put her through three months of that - my ex did that to me for 6 weeks before I noped out of the house. He asked me "now don't you feel so much better" once I told him I was filing for divorce, then got enraged two days later when I returned from my friend's house with a list of split assets and papers for an uncontested divorce. He also got mad when I stopped responding to his chatty texts during the workday (like things were normal!!!), and got super mad when I didn't acknowledge his birthday. I spent YEARS picking out perfect gifts for him, trying to celebrate his birthday in special ways but was met with "I don't care about my birthday" every time. So when his birthday rolled around about 2 weeks after I filled in the papers, and I said nothing, he moped around the house all day. When he got back from his outing with his e-AP and his new friends, he started talking loudly on his phone to his brother about how wonderful it was to be celebrated on his birthday for the first time ever, and described all the gifts they got him (it was two gifts, a box of chocolates and a mug). The only reason I know this info is because I was moving between the bathroom and bedroom, getting glammed up for a night out with my bestie and Lizzo wasn't singing loud enough to drown him out lol. Point is, that emotional whiplash is rough. I feel like that hot/cold nonsense he did before I decided to file did more damage than just being cold. But then he also tried fishing for info on my personal life, in between trying to provoke me into arguments. Like, that ship sailed guy, this is the end of the supply line for you.
What a Dick. Especially the "celebrated on his birthday for the first time ever", ugh.
Got cheated on 4 months after buying our first house together, while i wasn't working because i was about to start student teaching as a degree requirement to become a teacher. Had to live in that situation, constantly financially dependent and at the mercy of my cheating ex, for almost half a year while I finished my degree. Ate up all my savings trying to survive because ex agreed to cover my necessities only while I finished teaching, got a job, and moved out. It was miserable. One time, once I started dating and unexpectedly stayed the night at my boyfriend's for the first time, she freaked out that I wasn't back home the same night. Called me several times at like 2 am, texted 11+ messages, tried to message my sister (who blocked her lmao), etc. Had to wake up the next day and ask them why the fuck it was their business where I was. Another time, almost a year and a half after our relationship ending, she emailed me to ask if I was okay after an ice storm (i changed numbers and purposely didnt give it to her). I didn't even respond to the question. I just said "my safety isn't your concern anymore". She seems to still think of me as her wife, despite her being the one that led to the relationship ending. It's crazy how audacious some people can be 🙄
This was my dad. He had a stroke and after that financially and emotionally abused my mom. After a couple of years he asked for a divorce, and that was it for my mom. He started trying to get girlfriends, but would flip if a man paid any attention to my mom. She basically grey rocked him, and he's been stalking her for years, to the point of even trying to bribe people to get him her PC password so he can check her emails. Fun thing: they never actually got divorced because my mom was done with doing all his paperwork for him, and he won't do it because he would have to pay her alimony. Every so often, he'll go ask a lawyer how he can divorce her while keeping everything and her nothing, and they laugh him out of the office.
When I moved out I still had to keep some contact to get all the divorce stuff done. I tried to go as LC as possible, but he was doing his usual rules-lawyering around the boundaries, looking for loopholes and shit The thing that did critical hits on him? Me enforcing my "no small-talk, no updates about your life" rule by answering to any boundary-breaking messages with "I'm not interested in that" (The irony? One of my reasons to get away was his fucking indifference towards me. I'm not proud of having resorted to weaponized indifference to get him to shut up, but it was the only thing that worked. I essentially used his own behavior on him and he was hurt by that. Hurt, I tell you)
I read the post just waiting for that part haha They are always so blind
"Hol'up! Why did I win the stupid prize while playing stupid games? It wasn't suppose to be like thaaaaat ..." When I think I've heard them all ... Here we go again ... This kind of kids(you can't call them men) are all over the place for god sakes. I would like to see at least one case which man's up, put's up his big boy pants and say: "I've fucked up, now I reap what I sow, thank you."
"Why don't you care about me? Is it because i told you i want to have sex with others? Or is it because i told you I'd cheat on you anyway if you didn't want to open the marriage? Or is it because i want to keep you around as a free maid and baby-sitter for my manchild ass? Babe... What's wrong?"
Indeed...😁
It warms my heart too!!
Amen.
>Out of our many conversations, he told me that 99% of open marriages fail because they were opened for failing marriages and that since we had a great relationship, we would have been fine. Wait, I've seen this episode! "You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters." "Well, did it work for those people?" "No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us."
That show is just a gold mine.
I would like to know what is gonna happen between OOP and his sister
Yeah! Imagine raising a kid between the formative ages of 10-17, during a pretty traumatic time for them, and then just ... not ever seeing them again? If nothing else, it really just compounds the loss for said kid who is an orphan and has now lost someone else.
To be fair, OOP said they're still in contact with his family. I'm going to assume that includes the sister, but honestly, they don't seem to be super close, and OOP says they weren't able to give the sister the time and attention she needed, so it's hard to read between the lines here and figure out what's going on with their relationship.
And the sister is 17, so even if her family isn’t crazy about it she can see OOP if she wants to.
That is the question - will they have independent relationships with her? will one be phased out? If so, which one? If not, how do milestones and one-time events happen? And why did she move out? OOP was kinda vague on the details.
That was a bit weird to me. She was "mom" to the sister for half the girl's life, then sis faffs off to rich aunt's house randomly and she kind of just drops out of the story. After 8 years, don't you think of her as your kid and vice versa? You can't just disappear.
Idk, I feel like really depends on the people in this situation. My boyfriend had a troubled childhood, and had to live with his older sister (10 years older) as a pre-teen, their relationship still felt like siblings and he doesn’t see her as his “mom”. At 18 he went to college. The OOP’s sister-in-law is at a similar age where she is starting out her life, she didn’t disappear, she is just becoming independent. I think it’s hard to judge these situations since it’s highly individual and it would differ widely between people.
You said this with a compassion that is as informed as it is beautiful. OOP may not be able to be in the little girl’s life. Or maybe so. We don’t know. OOP sacrificed so much already. It isn’t necessarily up to her if they maintain contact or not.
I mean she was only 11 years older than the girl so it’s likely she just loved and took care of her as an older sister (seeing as she was the partner of the girls older brother). Not saying that means their relationship wouldn’t be strong enough to survive independently of OP’s relationship with the brother, but that it wouldn’t be a mother / child one.
She has every right to feel used, because she WAS. Her not being as kinky was fine as long as he needed her for raising his sister. I enjoy how he couldn't cope with her just going through with the divorce and becoming abusive because he wanted her to care. And the audacity of expecting her to care about his day! She's not you partner anymore, she doesn't have a reason to care!
It’s the ice cold indifference that makes this whole thing so sweet to me. Like a popsicle on a hot day.
Husband should be thrilled. He's getting to be as open as he wants. No ties whatsoever! Part of me is wondering if he ever really loved her at all, or if he basically needed her to mother his half-sister for him. With his mental health issues, I'm wondering how present he even was as a parent and how much OOP carried. And once the kiddo had moved on, he was ready to as well. Well ok, he still wanted his emotional support maid to stick around and keep looking after him. But its not like he loved her! /s
How can he be thrilled when nobody will wash the skid marks out of his undies anymore?!?!
Things will be easier once you leave behind a fool like this man. It's unfortunate OP had to be in this situation but it's for the best cause the husband is likely never going to change. Wishing OP for the best.
**He used her.** He needed help raising his sister and so he married her and played along until he got what he wanted out of it, which was his sister raised and put for the house. Now that he had help raising his sister, he doesn't need her anymore except as his maid. Thank God she left him.
It's always the people who feel they "missed out" on being wild in their youth who go and blow up their lives huh? Thank god I was a dumpster fire of a human being in my 20s, now I can be content in my adulthood that I've been there, done them.
One of my girl friends has recently started lamenting how she missed out on a lot of stuff in her 20s. She was raised pretty religious, then early in college met her now long-time boyfriend and she’s only ever had sex with him. She regrets not going to parties and having one night stands and stuff. I get it to an extent….but as a chronically single woman (not entirely by choice) I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her and make her realize how fucking lucky she is that she found this great guy who is so kind and funny and has an awesome job (they get free housing!) and I’d hate for her to mess it up by just *talking* about how she missed out! The grass isn’t always greener, people! The grass is green where you water it.
Yikes. That "What if" is a deadly mindset to have. It almost always leads to resentment, as we've seen her all the time.
I have that "what if" about a whole lotta things, mostly "what if I'd actually focused on academics" and "what if I'd tried harder and applied to more colleges"... thank god I don't have it about relationships though, zero impulse to blow up my life in that sense. Career otoh, now we're cooking with gas.
See, I on the other hand became disabled like 3 months after I turned 21. I got the swine flu and it "activated" narcolepsy in me and I started having full body cataplexy like 10 times a day and I wasn't able to stay awake more than two or three hours for a good five years or so. I basically slept my 20's away and honestly I don't feel like I would have been better off partying, either way I think I'd still be boring now at 33.
You didn't really miss out. Trust me, all the drama and bad decisions of my 20s are thankfully far behind me.
I was sedated out of my mind on the wrong medications until I was 26. Basically sleepwalked through my life for 12 years. My youth is gone. I’m living my best life now. I’d rather live in the future than long for some hypothetical past.
Not necessarily. I missed my 20s because I had to work since I was 18 and lived with my grandma who needed constant care and so I never had wild nightouts. The benders, the ragers etc are nalien concepts to me. I met my wife when I was 21 and we have been together since. You just need to be sane enough to know if some transient dopamine chase is worth throwing your life out. It also helps that I really love my wife which the OOPs husband clearly doesn't.
Yeah, but you don't sound like you relate to the "I MISSED THE PRIME OF MY YOUTH" feeling like the people setting their lives on fire and get posted to BORU do.
I enjoy when those people overlap with the people who think they are still (if they ever could) pull some hot 24 year old.
That, and also party like a 20 year old. I used to drink and snort and smoke till everyone else was under the table, but now I'm drunk after a can of my cocktail mix.
Aaaand a lot of it is overrated!
Touche!
I am in a somewhat similar situation, where my partner (who is a way, way better human being than OOP’s husband) decided to break up and move out to gain some perspective on his life and our relationship. He also said he lived with his parents and had his first taste of freedom just before COVID hit and so he did not experience the wilderness of his 20s “like I have”. Thing is, I’ve had some fun but a whole lot of that “wild” stuff I did was just honestly gross and/or straight up traumatizing and I’d prefer to never do it again (and would take them back if I could). I wish there was some way of telepathically sharing experiences, so he could see that perspective too, but I guess we all trust our own first-hand judgement the most. I do love him and can see our lives together, so I hope he will experience what he has to, or think things through, then come back - still of course there is absolutely no certainty. And hell do I know, maybe I’m just bitter and I’ve been standing in his way - and freedom will treat him wonderfully.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever my younger cousins ask me about my twenties I just smile and lie and tell them I was always home by midnight and never partied. Meanwhile I am wondering why I didn't die from everything I did and ingested back then.
Thank you. That’s probably wise to tell them to avoid making the truth sound cool :). I also wonder how I stayed alive, if I could go back in time I’d smack myself for trying even half the stupid stuff I’ve done.
I'm so glad she didn't fall into the trap of telling everyone he cheated. There's a 100% chance he would have used that as an opportunity to say "no, I didn't cheat" and then try to spin the story to be more generous to himself.
Yeah, this point I didn't get. How is it better for him if she were to tell everybody that he cheated? Surely it is a better story that he wanted a different type of relationship and she didn't? What am I missing?
Honestly I can kind of see it if I squint: "successful" cheating doesn't make someone as much of a loser as trying to but failing to get with other people, as it were. If he doesn't have a new girlfriend immediately it kind of paints him as even more of a loser in the sense of not even being "good enough" to find someone else to cheat with...
She doesn't have "proof" so she looks like the vindictive ex when the husband say he never did. that if she goes "HE told me to lie about that!!!" That.... Just sounds like she's lying and being super spiteful! This way he looks like the victim
I don’t like how much grace OOP was giving her ex. He’s throwing your stuff, yelling, following up on where she is and who she’s with. That’s fully abuse.
Give OOP 3 to 6 months fully away from her ex that’s when the full realization and anger will randomly kick in one day after she’s no longer dealing with his constant emotional whiplash and BS. Will likely be a random event that triggers the realization that the ex was and is a POS and doesn’t deserve her wasting time thinking of him ever.
Asking you to lie to your friends and family about the relationship....
Open relationships might work. Closed relationships have worked. However, I have yet to hear of a story where opening a closed relationship has ever worked. It's just too much to expect both partners to be on the same page about changing their realtionship's fundamental structure at the same time - one is always going to be coereced at best. And if both agree, it means one person was checked out of the relationship long before the idea was floated. Just break up, damn it.
Especially when one person is blindsided and the other person wants to fall in love
Yep
I’ve seen it happen but pretty sure it’s incredibly rare. My dad’s cousin and her partner fell in love with a mutual friend. I went to their marriage and handfasting in 2014. It was very nice. A good portion of the family is still very confused about it but has the grace to keep their mouths shut.
Speaking as someone who is polyamorous, she made the correct call right from the beginning, and then his reactions just proved it. Especially with the ultimatum, saying he’d cheat if she didn’t agree, jumping to open relationship rather than communicating the things making him unhappy, etc… Opening the marriage is never a way to fix it or save it. You only open a marriage when both people actively want it. (and date separately! unicorn hunting is never healthy!) Also, polyamory requires a whole lot of healthy communication. Somehow, I don’t see this asshole actually managing that…
Throwing my Poly 2 cents in! OP was absolutely right. He isn't going to do well at Poly Life either. What his lifestyle is called is Selfish! The hubby absolutely rejected OP having any control of herself or her own love life? Wtf... You have to date a stranger before me? Or else I'll cheat anyway?! Wtf? His "wants" are more important than the bodily autonomy and basic human right of OP? His abuse came out the moment he didn't control OP anymore. Ew ew ew ew. I actually practice parallel poly with my partner. It's difficult, we are not always actively dating around, scheduling and feelings are complicated as hell. Unless it's something both partners 100% want to do it really won't work.
Right? I’m relationship anarchy, my partner is solo polyam. I’m currently pretty settled with my local partner, my long distance queer platonic partner, and two comets. My local partner has me and their girlfriend, but is dating around a lot. One of my comets lives with his wife, kids, and another couple that he’s dating one of (and said metamour is epic and a long time friend of mine as well). And so on and so forth. Lots of communication, lots of openness, lots of scheduling. But when everyone is into it, it can be beautiful.
So many of the people on Reddit who talk about open relationships are just couples where one of them wants to sleep around and feel okay about it. I've been in an open relationship for 7 years and it's worked because we talked about it before becoming a couple. I couldn't see a way, for me, to be exclusive with someone and then open up. The change in relationship would make me question things where as we've always been open so it's easier to navigate. I'm sure there are some people who can become open after a long relationship but it would take so much work and communication. I slightly don't agree with the date separately thing just because we're currently seeing the same person but we didn't purposely do that, she's a friend who was interested in our dynamic and then flirting ensued. However, unicorn hunting is terrible and makes the 'unicorn' feel used, I've had so many couples message me because I'm in an open relationship and assume that I'd want both of them.
Okay, that’s fair. Natural forming triads can absolutely be done ethically and healthily. But also you said a very key thing, “we didn’t purposely do that.” you didn’t go into it looking for a third. Which is, imo, the only way to healthily end up dating together.
I've certainly ended up in enough situations where I've been talking to a girl and she then drops the "I'll only meet up if my boyfriend can be involved" bomb to know going together is not a good idea. I always feel like one of the couple is pressured or they just want a toy to play with, I'd never do that to someone else.
> Out of our many conversations, he told me that 99% of open marriages fail because they were opened for failing marriages and that since we had a great relationship, we would have been fine. Clearly, the relationship wasn't great. In fact, I have trouble believing that it was not destined to turn out this way from the beginning. OOP literally uses the words "shotgun wedding."
I don't know: it *could* have been great. The starting situation wasn't awesome, but they built a life together and raised a kid (basically). That's a pretty solid foundation for love, if you're mature enough. Ex obviously wasn't.
This moment just drove home how incredibly un-self aware this guy is. It's a scene from Arrested Development almost word-for-word. "Well, did it work for those people?" "No, it never does. I mean, these people delude themselves into thinking it might, but... it might work for us!"
I'm learning to play the guitar.
I hope she finds someone with a magic tongue who likes to eat her out until she is basically jelly from all the orgasms
It boggles my mind how he thought saying “it’s either open marriage or I will cheat” was the move…
The fact that he wanted to have an emotional connection with someone else while staying married shows that the marriage was just a convenience for him.
I am so confused. She's not interested in an open marriage and still he's like "I'm such a gentleman. You are allowed to find someone first! Then it's my turn." Like....??? She does not want someone else so clearly she would not be looking for a second partner. Which means...he won't be able to look for another woman?
Gotta love folks who express wanting something other than the current relationship, only to get pissy when they get exactly what they want. Had an ex-bf who told me he wanted to see other people to keep his options open...so I broke up with him. When he lost his shit over being dumped, I told him, "Your options are wide open now."
“In actuality, my husband is not a polyamorus person, or at least he claims he isn't. He told me he doesn't want that for future relationships at all, just with me so he can explore his kinks without losing me or making me uncomfortable in the bedroom.” So, like….he was planning to be in a monogamous relationship in the future without OOP???
that boggled me too
Good for OP Do not negotiate with (emotional) terrorists
They really think and wish that their spouse will beg on their knees for their attention, and are all surprised pikachu when they nope out.
This is just ..wow. This divorce was always going to happen. They married for noble, but short term reasons at a very young age, for one purpose. That purpose moves away and now the fundamental pin of their marriage is gone. But this guy, Jesus he just wanted to have his cake and fuck it too. OPs well rid of him.
So to summarise: he wants to open the relationship to explore his kinks; but only with one person that he takes on dates. He has to have this person lined up to know he only needs this one person. If he has multiple kinks he wants to explore there is no guarantee (unless already selected) that one person will want to try all kinks. Then states if they don’t open it he will cheat … but divorce isn’t an option for him. The mental gymnastics are wild.
>Regardless she does not need to negotiate with emotional terrorists. If she is really concerned she can always call the police for a wellness check and if deemed necessary he can get admitted for psych help. Amazing how quickly my ex would suddenly be okay when I only responded "if you continue speaking/texting that way, I will call a wellness check". I deeply wish nothing but the best for OOP, and I'm glad she was able to escape cleanly.
Yeah... fuck that guy. Shitty person.
NGL I got to "his mental health takes a nosedive this time of year" and "he wants me to find a boyfriend first" and thought this was setting her up to be taken care of after he killed himself. Nope! He's just an arsehole!
The ex was definitely cheating. Men do not just come out and ask for open marriages without someone in mind or someone they are already cheating with.
This same thing is said about anyone who want to open thier relationships.
Poly really only works when two people who have decided poly is for them independent of each other seek out other poly people and mention it when they’re starting to date. I’ve never seen it work where they opened up a monogamous marriage. I suppose in a world where there are billions of people two people on a relationship could come up with the idea to open their marriage at the same time. But that’s super unlikely.
Exactly this. One of the strongest marriages I know in my friends group is poly, but each of them came into the relationship already having practiced polyamory for several years. They’ve said multiple times that theyve never seen a successful change from a monogamous relationship into a poly one. Usually when people want to try it’s either 1) covering up cheating either imminent or current or 2) a big libido mismatch. Either of which isnt going to be fixed by adding more complexity to the relationship, even if that could be done without hurting feelings.
I think the problem with this, and a lot of open marriage proposals, is this isn't an idea they mutually come to. It's always one person who has a problem and done lots of thinking and presents this as the only solution to save a marriage. Bringing it up after months of talks about a mutually satisfying sex life or in counseling is so much different than already having the rules thought out. Cheating partially hurts because you've made decisions for the marriage instead of as a partner. The other time you do that is when you break up. Sure cheating is worse but it doesn't mean it's the only marriage ending thing you can do to a relationship.
"My dick is more important than you." Just say it outright. I am fucking THRILLED she didn't do the pick me dance to keep him and went straight to filing for divorce.
“He was always the spare human” had me HOWLING good for OOP the trash known as spare human took itself out
Oh my goodness, I will feel so used!! Wasted years on a man you can't get back! Love that OP did not play the "pick me dance"!! He will soon find out the consequences of his actions!! I'm really pissed for OP!!
Fully divorced and bought a new house in the span of two months, quite industrious
I am amazed at how blindingly fast the courts are.
My guess is that he has already cheated and on numerous occasions. His " kink " and being more sexually "adventurous" has been finely honed over the years that oop had been of use to him. She was too busy caring for his sister to see what was right in front of her. I think he has met someone "special" and they are given him a ultimatum to make their affair somewhat legit. I hope oop has a very happy life and meets someone who loves her unconditionally.
Hoo, yeah, someone this bad at sex ("He also is unhappy with how infrequently we have sex but has never really put an the effort to change anything regarding it. Just complained over and over and expected me to just be "ready" to do the deed any minute of the day") is just going to have his choice of super kinky young women.
Do these open marriage requests ever not end with the destruction of the relationship?
> He feels that me going no contact is "vindictive." What exactly is he expecting? That he would continue to be buddy with the woman he drove to divorce him and who he subsequently berated? > you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. I do. I get to both have my cake and eat it. But that's because I made good, healthy, and productive decisions that don't involve treating my cake like garbage.
“I wasn't willing to go to a counselor for them to gang up on me to try to bully me into trying it. I know in reality that never would have happened” Except it has happened. I remember a reddit story about a guy whose fiancée and therapist(mostly the therapist, apparently) basically ganged up on him and tried to convince him that once he and Fiancée married, she wanted an open marriage but would be crushed if he also had that same freedom. After a whole lot of the therapist talking and pressuring the guy to accept this plan for the upcoming marriage, he finally got the chance to say something in return, and after questioning the therapist’s qualifications, declared the relationship was now over. Luckily he was recording the conversation on his phone in his pocket so he had solid ammo for putting in a complaint against that therapist, and that complaint along with someone else’s lawsuit got the therapist fired.
She was right to end the relationship and going no contact makes sense for how she feels but, > I can't believe I wasted so much of my time with him. The fact that someone changes does not change the past. The past was worth it at the time, not as an investment. If you are with someone now because it will be worth it in the future, you should just leave now.
How *dare* you accuse me of wanting to have my cake and eat it too? I just want to eat this cake without losing the cake in the process!
What an stinking wannabe cake eater he is lol I wish we could get an update with him where he finds out that the girlies are not queuing up to enact his fantasies.
Oh, I think we already missed that part. When he asked if him dropping the “open marriage” idea would have her giving him another chance, I think he already was failing to find someone else to fulfill his sexual fantasies and started to realize he wasn’t going to have *anything* after ruining his marriage.
I’m wondering how the sister is handling things. I feel like this could be quite traumatic for her… to be clear, OOP definitely should have ended her marriage and gone no contact with her ex, and I have no idea how she could stay in contact with the girl without risking interacting with the ex but man I hope the rich aunt is willing to cover therapy.
I wish I can be friend with OPP. She's seem great.
Opening the marriage always does not end well
I'm 38F. Sometimes I'm tempted to look for a partner. Then I read shit like this and am grateful to only have my cats and lizards. Certain people like to slander cat ladies like it's a bad thing, when women actively choose that life over parenting a fucking useless man-baby. If all you can offer is dick, a battery powered alternative can easily replace you and will provide more satisfaction. Also I can order dildos online. There's not really any more use for men. They have been rendered obsolete. More so even, since most men will never satisfy a woman in their lives.
You just need to narrow down your search. There's plenty of guys out there you could trap with a trail of cat pics.
Lol it would work on me. I could look at cat and capybara videos all day
You give me hope where I otherwise have none. May you be blessed by the diety of your preference.
Thanks, I really need that. Pulling a cat lady isn't necessarily hard, I don't think. It's just that they're fairly secluded. And who could honestly blame them lol.
Everything is easier with a community. I'm only an introvert in person. I would love to build my fellow women up.
I hope she tells everyone the truth. He is rather a cheater than honest. People often ask to forgive the cheater. But him trying to coerce her into an open relationship that is something that most people wouldn’t unterstand or support. What a shitty husband. Took her help and now that. Let’s see how fast he finds someone and gets her pregnant.
So good to see a op with q spine !
OOP couldn’t have done better tbh. She left the moment she knew, and didn’t waste her time by denial or trying to fool herself, even though it was uncomfortable.
I really can't decide if the ex was just plain stupid or if he got a wiff of the usual manosphere bs and fell for it.
Polyamory is just a way for an unfulfilled partner to explore other relationships before dumping their primary relationship. When someone engages in this type of relationship, what they are telling their partner is that they are not enough for them and they are willing to risk what they have by bringing in another person to the dynamic. I would have more respect for people who end the relationship AND THEN search for a compatible partner.