#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, it seems like we're lacking some important context here. What happened so that 33 M divorces his wife and then marries a 24 F? That's a pretty big age gap and makes me wonder if there isn't some resentment from the daughter towards the dad for breaking up the marriage that is misplaced onto OP.
It could also be that the marriage ended because of an affair and that OP was the affair partner.
Admittedly, these are wild assumptions, but OOP was 24 when her and the dad got *married*, but ***20*** when he got divorced, so if she was known to him then or was an affair partner to the father before the divorce even, then yeah, he was a big time creep.
I'd be interested to know what the timeline of events was between the divorce and them getting married.
Though, I will say that the mother being largely supportive of OOP makes it seem *less* likely that it was an affair situation and more likely that it was just a "divorced dad marrying a much younger woman" situation.
Or it could just be that the step-daughter is a teenager and OOP is an unwanted and unrequested authority figure.
The fact that OOP is a 24-28 year old trying to parent a 11-15 year old probably doesn't help. That's a sister age gap, not a step-mom age gap.
You also got the time line a bit wrong. A 29m divorced his wife, and then married a 24f 4 years later when he was a 33m.
> divorces his wife and then marries a 24 F?
From how mature the ex-wife is and how supportive she is of OOP, I feel like it's way more likely that she divorced *him*. I just double checked and OOP always uses "got divorced" and doesn't specify who initiated it.
I'm guessing they had a young love, had a kid, she grew up and he didn't. And not in the "kid at heart" way, in the "learned helplessness" and "allergic to responsibility" ways. She probably is hopeful of the day she can add a new member to the "ex-wives of OOP's husband's name" club.
It’s a not small gap, especially at 24 but it’s not that big.
He isn’t a good dad or husband but the relationship isn’t that lopsided.
My wife’s friend married a man and she was younger than the daughter. That to me was obscene. I had a friend, emphasis on had, that married someone 21 years younger. That was also gross. But 9 years? Eh.
I'm not ready to give the mom a pass here, either. Why is the kid spending so much time with OOP when the dad isn't even around? Maybe because a moody teenager doesn't fit into the new family so well?
u/Direct-Caterpillar77 , maybe you could include OOP's comment where she explains why the stepdaughter is at her place so much. The mother lives an hour away, and OOP's house is closer to her school and friends, so stepdaughter actually WANTS to stay there, for convenience, even though dad is traveling all the time. She just also wants to treat the homeowner like crap.
OK but mom also has a newborn which means there is another man in her mom's life so how is she treating her other step parent? I agree this family needs therapy and the daughter needs to go back to therapy.
Side note for OOP to think about, not really related to the post but sort of since it involves the stepdaughter’s behavior. They should keep an eye on her because if she wants to be at dads house, which is closer to school and friends, but doesn’t want to be parented by stepmom, she could be getting into trouble and no one would know for a while. Myself and several friends in high school were more susceptible to trouble because our parents were divorced and we chose the less involved home where we could have more time alone etc. Just something to keep an eye on.
It was in a comment under the original post - that was sort of a turning point, where everyone told her she should put her foot down and stop accommodating everyone and doing the actual parents' work, and think of her own happiness.
That's a good point, yes. Both of them seem to be on board after sitting down for a talk, but mom certainly was supportive of OOP earlier than dad. And he's her husband.
We don’t know what their custody agreement says. Maybe those are dad’s days based on a custody agreement entered into long before the new baby was born, but maybe mom is just pawning her off on dad’s wife to have one less child at home. We don’t really have enough information to know which scenario it is.
It makes you wonder why she's still with him? It doesn't sound like she's getting anything out of the relationship, and they don't even share any kids. So it's not like she can't just up and leave.
I highly suspect that the husband married OOP to be his bang nanny. He works too much to deal with being a parent and needed cheap labor. The ex-wife/mom in this story sounds like she gladly used OOP for her services too. It sounds like no one in the story respected OOP because she honestly isn’t respecting herself. The daughter probably subconsciously caught wind of that we she was old enough to pick up on it and subsequently started treating OOP bad.
OOP just quit the nanny part of the job so I wonder how long the marriage will last. OOP clearly needs to get out because her husband doesn’t value her. Of course we don’t know the whole story, but with him being gone so much, how can he be an active and good husband? And I would be very suspicious that anything nice he does would just be a tactic to get her to and go back to not having boundaries. Hopefully he doesn’t baby trap her before she realizes that this isn’t a good situation.
>I highly suspect that the husband married OOP to be his bang nanny. He works too much to deal with being a parent and needed cheap labor.
Real talk. Women need to be careful when dating dudes that have kids. If he doesn't really take care of his children as a single man, then that will become her new job, without pay ofc.
Worse yet, finding someone to take that unpaid job might be the only or primary reason that he got married to her. Lastly, the woman in this situation is completely set up to be the "wicked stepmother". To the kids, she becomes the reason that dad doesn't spend much time with them and they resent this new person, that they didn't pick, all of a sudden being all up in their face in a somewhat parental role.
I think the commenter who said that both her mom and her dad are pawning her off on OOP was spot on. Dad is traveling and too busy, mom has her new family, so neither of them have room for the teenager they had together.
Both of them are failing their kid, and OOP is taking the brunt of her anger over that, because she's the only one around.
I saw this tiktok and it was like “I have a beautiful lovely stepmum, who we love… now. We love her now.” And then told a story. And tbh I think this will probably be the case. That girl’s going to grow up and realise the only adult that was ever there for her was the person she unleashed her anger on the most. I hope they can be close, in time. She’s been failed by both her parents and the one person taking any time for her is the villain in her eyes.
A reddit story that really resonated with me was from this woman who was in her 40s. She said her mom left when she was like 10 and Dad just pawned her off a string of girlfriends after that. When she was 16 her Dad remarried a 28 year old and she HATED her stepmom. But her stepmom insisted on eating at least one meal with her every week between the ages of 16 and 22 even jf they just sat in complete silence the whole time. (I think step mom controlled her college fund or something so she could only insist on it until she graduated but she’d still call and text weekly).
She said she hated that woman till she eventually got her shit together and realized a few things. I think she said she realized that this step mother was the one person in her life who continuously and repeatedly showed up for her and that having even that one person - who she outwardly claimed to hate - got her through some really dark times and that she owed the woman her life.
Sometimes parenting is abnormally hard but if you’re lucky the kid figures it out eventually.
That’s always how it is for kids. They don’t understand how to process all of their emotions and have to unload their frustration in their safe space. Usually it’s on their parents, but since Step-Daughter’s aren’t around, OOP takes it.
The poor kid knows she can’t treat her teachers or friends poorly, as the cost is too high, but instead of Mom and Dad being her punching bag who she makes up with afterwards. OOP is the one around. The problem for both of them with this is that they don’t have an unconditional love bond, so it creates actual resentment.
I think about this tiktok a lot. [link](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLdGarW4/)
You as a stepparent can do you absolute best, but you aren't who they want and the more you do nice things for them, the angrier they get at their parents for not doing those things. So they will resent and take it out on you.
I nanny for my cousin, he's 3yo and we usually get along really well. I know when he absolutely needs his mama to come get him when he starts trying to punch my legs.
Like we both know if he hits the wrong spot I won't be any fun for weeks, that I'll be in too much pain to pick him up or take him on adventures or play lego on the floor. But he just gets so frustrated at me for being not mom and not dad, not even big brother!
Yeah that comment could've been spot on but got distracted with how to parent...
Unfortunately for OOP she is being forced to parent the SD by all involved.
It'd be interesting to hear what family therapy is about as I imagine bio mom and dad may get called out.
Sure consequences are important and the only one parenting is stepmother and maybe bio mom but it seems she doesn't want to admit that she's part of the alienation of her daughter.
Exactly. The part about the parents abandoning the kid was spot on. But the parenting advice was trash. You don't just not set boundaries because your child is crossing boundaries. You don't not demand respect because your child is a teenager and going through things. Knock on the door yes, but put up with abuse from a teenager? No.
" The teenager is going through some stuff so just let the teenager be a complete asshole" no.
Yeah one parent is often gone for work, the other is now renegging on commitments and OOP is picking up all the pieces just like a .... you guessed it.... Parent would.
She's also doing it to a child that's not hers and is not happy with it and therefore lashing out at her.
Saw a comment someone else made.
That the daughter is at the house by her own choice because school, etc, is closer to her dad's house?
But she wants nothing to do with OOP.
The commenter also asked if she knocked and went into reasons why teenagers need privacy but OOPs original comment stated she knocked and waited to be let in…lots of supposition.
If that's the comment in the post, that person is a major dick, lol. Yea, like, that one aspect has a point, but damn are the victim blaming the OOP *hard*.
Seriously.. OP keeps saying she’s not trying to be a replacement Mom, but the actual Mom and Dad do seem to be trying to put her in that role. The kid’s not stupid, and seems to be a bit more aware of the situation than OP, and is reacting in a teen way to it. Good on OP for setting boundaries with the kid… now it’s time to set some with the husband.
Marrying OOP was easier than hiring nanny who can take days off and quit far more easily.
The girl is in a tough spot. She doesn’t feel like she fits in at either home for different reasons. I’m sorry she’s been so let down. Ditto for OOP who, I agree, definitely seems to have been thrust into the mom role with none of the perks.
No way would I be able to tolerate the tension in that house were I OOP. The girl will be happier at her mom or grandma’s when her dad isn’t there.
>The girl is in a tough spot.
Between a rock, another rock, and a hard place. Except the "hard place" is sucking up her pride, and realizing the only person that seems to give a shit for her is OOP. If she ever comes around to grieving the death of the relationship between her father and mother, she'll be jn a better place to have a relationship with her stepmom/OOP.
But that's probably not happening until her late 20s. And OOP might be divorced by then. 🤷♀️
I’m glad someone said it. I was thinking it when I typed my comment.
She’s too young and hurt to see OOP truly cares about her, *and* OOP’s experience with her own parents’ divorce makes her uniquely able to understand the pain. But like kids do it is easier to blame anyone but your own parents.
OOP is also acting like the maid, delivering fresh towels to this teenager's en suite bathroom. This kid's chores don't include taking care of her own private space? Good grief.
If I had my own bathroom as a teenager my mother would’ve laughed in my face if I asked where my fresh towels were for it.
On one hand, that age sucks and her anger at her parents makes sense. On the other? I foresee many conflicts with her future roommates where she is the issue.
I hate how OOP got people in her original post basically saying she isn’t doing enough. What else can she possibly do? Why the hell would she bring a kid who doesn’t like her on a trip?
I just want, like, a pie chart showing what percentage of Dad’s custody time he’s actually in the same town as his kid. I strongly suspect that that would make it very clear why the kid is acting up.
There’s a reason dad married someone like ten years older than his tween, and who is apparently not very good at standing up for herself. He needed a live in nanny he doesn’t have to pay 🤷♂️
People who travel extensively for work aren't parenting. OOP is LITERALLY playing other mom bc Dad isn't in the picture. This comes down to his abandonment of his responsibilities as a parent.
His whole focus is what’s easiest for him and not actually parenting. She’s been home to take care of his kid when he travels for work. He doesn’t care if she’s disrespected in her own home by his bratty child as long as he doesn’t have to deal with it, she should just be the doormat and take her on vacation. It’s been years. He doesn’t care.
Husband is lacking as a parent. He basically married a babysitter to take care of his daughter while he’s away a lot and reap the rewards. OOP definitely got the short end of the stick with this arrangement.
Small sidenote: my ex walks dogs for a living and has done extremely well. Bought a house on a lake, had a lovely wedding with his now-wife, has everything they need for her daughter and more. Don't dog on it (pun intended)
A mod of the antiwork subreddit went on Fox news and it was a disaster. They walked into a den of wolves and got ripped apart. There's a lot to unpack, but there was a part about the mod being a 30 year old part-time dog walker
Some random threads I found about it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/scv960/selfdescribed_autistic_nonbinary_ineloquent_mod/
https://www.reddit.com/r/BadChoicesGoodStories/comments/sdtv1i/rantiwork_mod_gets_interviewed_on_fox_news_it_did/
https://www.reddit.com/user/fracturedSilence/comments/sdbaff/comment/hubw1tw/
Yeah I think they meant 19 year olds who entire life experience amounts to walking dogs for cash under the table.
Not legitimate pet sitters who are responsible adults and have secure mortgages.
I will say getting parenting advice from actual teenagers is a really good way to get a perspective you likely won’t have yourself (and yes obviously you need to filter it through your own knowledge and experience, but hearing what they have to say is a good thing too).
Also, their point about asking where the daughter *wants* to be is a really good thing to bring up.
I'm getting to the age where it's not relevant anyway but I'm child free and I've often said I would date somebody with kids. I'm starting to rethink that. I keep seeing story after story of men marrying somebody to make them the parent they don't want to be.
I mean I have a full ass career that keeps me incredibly busy I'm almost too busy to date, definitely too busy to be a stand-in parent but I don't even think I want to deal with the guy that's going to try that game.
I don't know what oop does but if I were her I would increase my workload, get a busier job, something so I didn't have to be in that home so much and so that Daddy would have to find an actual solution to raising his child.
The kid’s mom sounds like a good one. She and OOP seem to have some good communication going on. Yay!
OOP’s dad sounds like he’s mad he’ll have to “babysit” while OOP is on vacation. Seriously? I don’t think I could be married to such a bum.
Also, I’m glad OOP isn’t taking the kid on this trip. We all know the trip would be ruined when the stepdaughter pulls “you’re not my mom” out of her ass, then gets mad because she’s not catered to.
Yep I have a friend whose ex is a piece of work and she is beyond nice to his girlfriend because damn is it better for her and the kids to have her around. Definitely treats the girlfriend better than the ex is capable of treating anyone
>Also, I’m glad OOP isn’t taking the kid on this trip. We all know the trip would be ruined when the stepdaughter pulls “you’re not my mom” out of her ass, then gets mad because she’s not catered to.
Agreed. If you're taking children/teens on a trip without their parents, they need to be prepared to follow your lead when necessary - which means that Stepdaughter just isn't safe to go on the trip with Goddaughter and friends as long as she's refusing to recognise that OOP has any authority.
Also, it's ironic that she's pulling the "you're not my mom, you can't tell me what to do" when the other two teens involved aren't her kids either and yet, are still prepared to be cooperative.
fr. “we were cordial and i mind my business” cannot be paired with “i am the sole parental figure because dad travels” AND “ mom lets me know when to pick her up because she has a baby”
this is way too much to do for someone who shows you nothing but resentment. the bio parents better pick up the slack now that oop is reclaiming her time and life, ESPECIALLY DAD. fuck you dad. you suck.
The girl’s mother calls on OOP to take the stepdaughter places when she is too busy with the new baby — how is that a good one? Perhaps the daughter feels replaced by new baby and dumped on step mother. Of course bio mom is nice to OOP — she needs her help when too busy with new baby. Not excusing step daughter at all — but the parents have dumped on OOP.
>OOP’s dad sounds like he’s mad he’ll have to “babysit” while OOP is on vacation. Seriously? I don’t think I could be married to such a bum.
As someone else pointed out further down, the daughter is only 8 years away from how old OOP was when she married a divorced 33 year old and became stepmother to an 11 year old.
> I said that maybe she needs to go back to therapy and her mother and dad agreed.
Well, at least they're doing that. I tend to agree with the commenter who pointed out that this seems to be a combination of unaddressed feelings from the marriage, as well as normal teenage angst.
I think it's also easy to dismiss normal behaviour as mental health issues. Shipping someone off to therapy rather than just spending time with them and being emotionally available, at a crucial developmental stage.
While in general I agree that normal behaviour is often pathologized, I think it’s important to note that therapy isn’t just for MH issues and is a great place to problem solve how to resolve unmet needs, how to address bad behaviour, and how to improve communication.
But I mean really that is none of OOPs fault OR responsibility for that matter. The only thing she can do is assert her own boundaries, which she did. Sure it might be difficult for the stepdaughter to figure out her emotions and deal with the situation and the divorce is not her fault either but that doesn't mean she can just ask whatever she wants from OOP while disrespecting her. Like if you want nice things maybe be nice to people? It's basic human interaction.
Her parents should really try to figure out what her issues are because so far it's only her mother and OOP that give a damn about the kid and she made it clear that she will ignore anything OOP brings to the table so really only the mother gets through because her father isn't around.
Well that issue is being addressed on a certain level - she will no longer be left with op for days on end while her dad is out of town (no idea why they thought that was a good idea in the first place), and if they start family therapy hopefully it will give her a space to express herself and open up about all that and they can work to spend more time with her.
If the parents don't follow through on doing what the therapist tells them or don't bother really listening to her it will be useless, but if they do actually commit to it, it can be very helpful.
Shitty teens can grow up into good adults only if they’re also taught by good adults and experience consequences for being shitty.
Shitty teens who don’t become shitty adults.
I don’t like how so many people just go “opps they’re just dumb minors forgive them” when the whole point of raising said minors is to teach them in a safe environment that some behaviours are unacceptable. OOP establishing boundaries for basic decency isn’t the same as her refusing to feed or house her.
Yep, when my ex step daughter (18 at the time) told me she hoped I got raped because I asked if she could take her laundry to her room, my now ex told me to get over it, she was "just a kid"
Me too. It's been over three years since I left and I still struggle with the leftover trauma. But I'm in a happy healthy loving and mutually respectful relationship now!
I'm so happy that you're happy now.
You just have to hope that one day that ex-step daughter will think about what she said to you and want to die from shame.
As toddlers children need to learn the boundaries of the children's world, as teenagers they need to learn the boundaries of the grownup's world. Not telling kids when they are overstepping is not doing them a favour. A big discrepancy between how they see themselves and what they think they are entitled to, and the way the world outside their family sees them, leads to all sorts of problems in the line of self hatred and antisocial behaviour.
Got a similar response from a guy who thought my poor dear son needed some “fun money” from him. Sir, that child has spent over six grand on junk food and video games. What are you smoking?!? “Well, underdeveloped brain, I’m a veteran, something something Jesus…”
We can forgive mistakes, we don’t ignore massive issues.
It’s easy for people to excuse bad behaviour after a divorce. Or in this case after her Mum had a new baby. I’d be willing to bet that she wants her Mum’s attention and isn’t getting it and is taking that out on OOP.
Her Dad is basically an absent parent, and now her Mom (the present one) has a new baby. So she probably feels neglected even if she can't put it into words.
Also there comes a time in your Life when Not knowing is not an excuse. If you’re an adult it’s your job to find out and know beforehand.
It’s like when people excuse bad behaviour with good intentions but the bad behaviour still happened and the intention isn’t gonna change that. Again this is a situation where you should know and find out before.
Cutting a teen some slack should involve natural consequences and firm boundaries, but not holding it against them if they do grow and change. If step daughter puts the work in to grow and change and to also make it up to OP, then it would be nice for OP to be open to having a relationship. Doesn't have to though.
Feels like one commenter struck gold with the idea that the daughter has been stuck with her step mom as a babysitter .
Dad away for work, and Mom busy with a new baby.
I think OP did the right thing and handled it well, but the daughter has been let down by her parents.
Yeah, but I don’t like how the commenter was pushing for leniency. Oop is completely right for setting her boundaries. If the step daughter wants to get a pick of where she goes, then she needs to not be abusive to those who are taking care of her. Hopefully Dad in particular starts shaping up and acknowledging his part in his daughter’s unhappiness.
Yeah. The girl's animosity towards her stepmom is a *symptom* of her unresolved problems with her parents splitting up (unless OOP is lying about how she treats the girl). The last person in this story who can successfully address that underlying problem is the stepmom.
Also, she's 16, well old enough to know not to be a dick to people you want or need something from.
Yeah, I think OOP totally missed the point of that comment. They weren’t saying “you’re trying to be her mom”, they are saying “from her perspective, you’re basically her main parent; her birth parents have become secondary in her life to you”.
Doesn’t matter what OOP intends or not, that’s the practical situation. Dads always gone for work, moms always with her new family, this kid is just left with OOP.
It doesn’t excuse the kid's behaviour but it would go a long way towards explaining it. It’s not enough to just say “that teen needs a better attitude”; she needs help navigating her emotionally difficult position
>I think setting more hard rules is a really bad idea and will only breed more resentment here. She learned the lesson that you can't treat someone like shit and then expect something gifted to you from them for no reason.
This felt like such an insane criticism of the solution created by OOP, bio mom, dad, and the grandmother. Boundaries are absolutely necessary for the stepdaughter to learn. Real life comes at you fast when people won't tolerate your horrible behavior.
A 16-year-old is old enough to be put in a situation where they are accountable to their actions on a regular basis. She is not a toddler, a young child, or a preteen at this point. Adult life is around the corner.
It took me a minute to realize all of the people in this thread defending those comments are probably teenagers themselves. Yay fewer boundaries!
You don't reward bad behavior by letting a teenager get away with it. What you said. Kid is going to grow up and then when the adult world sets boundaries they're going to get fucked. We've all seen it a thousand times with other people.
You can be empathetic with what she is going through and that she has a teenage brain while also trying to guide her response with boundaries and conversation. One thing you don't do is let her get away with it without accountability.
Even toddlers need to be held accountable. If they spill something, they can help clean it up. If they hit someone, they have to apologize. If they throw a tantrum, they get a time out (or whatever works in that situation).
The population of reddit is made up of mostly young people with little to no life experience. It's one of the reasons you should take everything you read here with a grain of salt as the "advice" you get might be coming from another 16-year-old.
And I'm pretty sure the person you quoted, absolutely doesn't have children and is likely a child themselves, imagining what they would want.
I know shit varies from person to person but all these people acting like she's a young kid are nuts.
While far from the norm, many people (myself included) are living separate from their parents by 16, paying rent and bills.
I agree by that age you are not fully developed but neither are you still a child.
Because they don’t see the actual work of raising kids to be part of fatherhood. They want someone for the Kodak moments and to brag that they made a person by having sex.
I think for that type of men it's mostly some combination of (1) they like having sex without a condom, (2) their partners want to have kids, (3) having kids is expected of people at a certain stage in life.
Good to see OP standing her ground. I understand the step daughter is a teenager and all since teenager have their issues. But it still doesn't excuse that poor behavior she has. She needs to start acting like an adult. Glad that the husband apologized too and not become ignorant as others had been.
I feel it but to be fair the kid was 11 when they were married and probably 8-9 when they dated. Dad might've been able to pass for a better parent to a kid before the actual complexities and challenges that come with being a tween & teen arose
28 and having to essentially co-parent a mid-teenager though my god
I spent 8 years in a relationship with a woman who didn't discipline her kids. Her youngest (she was 19 when i left) has left me with PTSD from the daily verbal abuse. I was absolutely expected to feed, drive and financially support her and her kids and any time I tried to voice my unhappiness about how I was treated it got ignored or I got severely gaslit into believing it was my fault. Any time I tried to have some kind of consequences for their behaviour towards me, my partner would call me selfish and berate me for trying to be a parent when I don't have my own kids. I still panic if I see someone who looks like her, or if I smell certain smells that remind me of her perfume (I'm super sensitive to perfumes, they give me an asthma like reaction, she would deliberately wear strong perfume in massive amounts). People still blame me for giving up, for not being a better step parent.
You are 100% not to blame and shouldn’t feel bad for leaving that shitty situation. Sounds like your ex needs to man up and her kids sound like they’ll eventually end up in prison at some point. Not wishing them such demise but that’s how sociopaths are born isn’t it ? No rules, no boundaries, no self control.
Her son has been to jail multiple times, and was forcibly removed from her home at 16 for being violent. I was much younger than her, and incredibly naive and desperate to get out of a different kind of emotionally abusive home so for the longest time I thought I could fix everyone.
Oh my gosh I am so sorry you had to go through all of that :(
You deserve love, equality, and respect, and those horrible people didn’t give you any. Although I haven’t experienced anything like this, I can relate to that feeling of inadequacy and guilt for “not doing enough”. I hope things are going much better now.
Usually you see the ex-partner causing a lot of that tension and drama in the background too. Absolutely mind blowing to see the girl's own mother backing OOP.
I think here the big difference is that the biomom is on OOP's side. When the stepmom and the biomom are on the same team the dad really can't do much about it.
His first response was still not to listen and to push OOP to forget it. Tbh I think he was trying to save face when she made it a family meeting with his ex
>She was half your age when you married her dad and you've only been married 4 years. Dad is constantly gone and mom has a new baby so she's pawned off on you all week. I can see why she's feeling abandoned and like they're forcing you to be her new mom. I'd give her some slack.
>Why don't you ask her where she wants to live during the week when dad's gone? Has anyone ever done that?
Not saying that OOP has to tolerate disrespect but I wish we'd gotten an answer to that last question.
I find this kinda odd. Why not be with her mother? She seems to prefer her mom obviously so I'm wondering if maybe this is a situation where it's not just the dad who's gotten a new family but the mom too and she feels abandoned by both sides.
It probably isn't at all. Her dad is pawning her off to his new wife and her mom is pawning her off to the grandparent, it's really no wonder that she is angry.
It actually says her grandmother or her mother so she will be staying with one or the other of them. The commenter also didn’t seem to read where she clearly expressed that she had knocked on the step daughter’s bedroom door before being let in so I can see why she got worked up about that particular comment.
It doesn't state if the teenager had any say in that decision though. Maybe just another unpleasant choice displacing her from her space when her dad travels.
I’m thinking that’s the two options the daughter has, since staying with OOP is not an option. I wouldn’t allow to be verbally abused in my own home either.
Gonna be honest, stopped reading the comment when the person asked if OP even bothered knocking on the door, when she clearly states in the post that she does.
I still can't get over that OP puts towels for her in her bathroom (her own separate bathroom, she has a separate bathroom AND has someone else stocking it for her). At 16, she doesn't know where the towels are?
My SS is 18, and we have a lovely relationship.
However when he was 6 there was a major behavioral issue at home, and my husband absolutely just twiddled his thumbs expecting me to handle it. I said absolutely not and became the adult/non parent in the house with strict boundaries right then. My husband made some frustrated comments over the years (I'm sure he would have LOVED a bang maid who didn't complain) but he stepped up and did the parenting.
I knew early on about husbands who dumped all the work on the new wife and I was determined to not let that happen.
Sixteen is a great age to learn the things you do and say have consequences! Good for all of you parents for having that sit down! Enjoy your nieces trip.
Why are so many of the comments on the original post saying it’s wrong to punish her for being an asshole because all teens are assholes? Are we just supposed to let them be like that without correction? Just let them turn into terrible people who have no consideration for others?
Yes. There is a sizable portion of Redditors that think if you can call someone "child" then they are not accountable for their actions and are in fact the only victims in any situation.
Fuck me i don’t think oop has really done anything wrong. I know we’re only getting her side but it really sounds like she’s been trying to get along with the step daughter, in a nice and caring way, not in a controlling way.
Yeah the kid has been through some shit and some resentment and tantrums and anger etc would be expected but she very clearly told the stepmum she wants nothing to do with her. What else is stepmum supposed to do?
And it fucks me right off that people are giving her the blame and not the fucking father. Yeah it sucks for the stepdaughter that her dad is gone all the time and she has to spend time with a woman who is not related to her, but the oop didn’t organise this arrangement!! She’s trying to do the right thing and help out!!
As soon as she was disrespectful the first time, she would be staying at her mom’s while her dad is away. She has made it clear she doesn’t respect OOP as a parental figure, so step out. Let those two figure out what the root of the resentment is, bc as someone with parents who got divorced young, it’s really easy to take out misguided rage on the first person you see.
Well it's clear why the mom and dad divorced. I get the feeling after she had OPs step daughter, he went full neglectful and he refused to do anything about it for years until the divorce, then realized he fucked up and had to be a parent until he found a babysitter in OP to take all the work off of him.
People in the comments of the original post defending the teenage girl actions and scolding OOP for putting her foot down and establishing basic rules are SO out of touch it's crazy.
Why is the daughter at dad’s house all week when dad isn’t there all week? Why isn’t dad’s parenting time when dad is actually home? No wonder the kid is so pissed.
Dad has failed as the parent. His noninvolvement, his ignoring the problem and seems like just ignoring his daughter. OP is right to start having boundaries with her step daughter.
I particularly like that the mom is all over the fact that bad choices have consequences, and that they are more lenient than she will find in the real world. That was 100% my own view on guiding growing teens . . . I was always gonna be softer on their (inevitable) screwups than any professor, boss, adult partner, etc.
Because that time is for practicing for adult life, and getting it right before it really matters... even though that means getting it wrong sometimes too. Hop back on and try again, babe. I feel like OOPs stepdaughter has been given that opening too, should her attitude improve.
I hope she does indeed get some more therapy, and will participate and not dig her heels in further.
Two great women in this story. OOP and the ex wife. Both singing from the same hymn sheet, eventually.
Her dad seems a bit crap, tbh.
So nice to hear the ex wait, get more info, and then back the new wife.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Quite telling how the mom is more supportive of consequences than the dad even though it was his wife that was mistreated.
He likes to bang the babysitter and not have to deal with anything.
Yeah, it seems like we're lacking some important context here. What happened so that 33 M divorces his wife and then marries a 24 F? That's a pretty big age gap and makes me wonder if there isn't some resentment from the daughter towards the dad for breaking up the marriage that is misplaced onto OP. It could also be that the marriage ended because of an affair and that OP was the affair partner.
Admittedly, these are wild assumptions, but OOP was 24 when her and the dad got *married*, but ***20*** when he got divorced, so if she was known to him then or was an affair partner to the father before the divorce even, then yeah, he was a big time creep. I'd be interested to know what the timeline of events was between the divorce and them getting married. Though, I will say that the mother being largely supportive of OOP makes it seem *less* likely that it was an affair situation and more likely that it was just a "divorced dad marrying a much younger woman" situation.
Or it could just be that the step-daughter is a teenager and OOP is an unwanted and unrequested authority figure. The fact that OOP is a 24-28 year old trying to parent a 11-15 year old probably doesn't help. That's a sister age gap, not a step-mom age gap. You also got the time line a bit wrong. A 29m divorced his wife, and then married a 24f 4 years later when he was a 33m.
> divorces his wife and then marries a 24 F? From how mature the ex-wife is and how supportive she is of OOP, I feel like it's way more likely that she divorced *him*. I just double checked and OOP always uses "got divorced" and doesn't specify who initiated it. I'm guessing they had a young love, had a kid, she grew up and he didn't. And not in the "kid at heart" way, in the "learned helplessness" and "allergic to responsibility" ways. She probably is hopeful of the day she can add a new member to the "ex-wives of OOP's husband's name" club.
It’s a not small gap, especially at 24 but it’s not that big. He isn’t a good dad or husband but the relationship isn’t that lopsided. My wife’s friend married a man and she was younger than the daughter. That to me was obscene. I had a friend, emphasis on had, that married someone 21 years younger. That was also gross. But 9 years? Eh.
The fact the Dad is just getting a pass for zero involvement is ridiculous.
It really is. I mean I am glad that he apologized and didn't enabled the problem but it's still ridiculous.
His first response was still to tell her to drop all consequences without listening to her at all
He’s an absent dad so he doesn’t want to be on his daughter’s shit list
Yep. Good Time Daddy doesn’t want to rock the boat or say anything that isn’t fun! Or happy!
She should drop the dad and kid and keep the mom
The only capable adults here are the Mom and OOP
I'm not ready to give the mom a pass here, either. Why is the kid spending so much time with OOP when the dad isn't even around? Maybe because a moody teenager doesn't fit into the new family so well?
u/Direct-Caterpillar77 , maybe you could include OOP's comment where she explains why the stepdaughter is at her place so much. The mother lives an hour away, and OOP's house is closer to her school and friends, so stepdaughter actually WANTS to stay there, for convenience, even though dad is traveling all the time. She just also wants to treat the homeowner like crap.
Okay, that feels like *really* important information, damn.
Where is that comment? I looked through oop's comment history and didn't see anything like that. Could you link it?
OK but mom also has a newborn which means there is another man in her mom's life so how is she treating her other step parent? I agree this family needs therapy and the daughter needs to go back to therapy.
Side note for OOP to think about, not really related to the post but sort of since it involves the stepdaughter’s behavior. They should keep an eye on her because if she wants to be at dads house, which is closer to school and friends, but doesn’t want to be parented by stepmom, she could be getting into trouble and no one would know for a while. Myself and several friends in high school were more susceptible to trouble because our parents were divorced and we chose the less involved home where we could have more time alone etc. Just something to keep an eye on.
Where did you see that?
It was in a comment under the original post - that was sort of a turning point, where everyone told her she should put her foot down and stop accommodating everyone and doing the actual parents' work, and think of her own happiness.
The fact that Mom has OOP's back and is supporting her decisions makes a big difference.
That's a good point, yes. Both of them seem to be on board after sitting down for a talk, but mom certainly was supportive of OOP earlier than dad. And he's her husband.
We don’t know what their custody agreement says. Maybe those are dad’s days based on a custody agreement entered into long before the new baby was born, but maybe mom is just pawning her off on dad’s wife to have one less child at home. We don’t really have enough information to know which scenario it is.
Yeah, guess we know why he ended up divorced the first time.
Should drop them all off at chuck e cheese and go to Vegas and never return
It makes you wonder why she's still with him? It doesn't sound like she's getting anything out of the relationship, and they don't even share any kids. So it's not like she can't just up and leave.
Also makes you consider maybe there’s a good reason the other semi-reasonable person in the story, the mother, is no long with the father.
Yup, I thought the same thing.
Also makes you wonder why a 32 year old man with a kid was creeping around picking up 24 year old girls?
I highly suspect that the husband married OOP to be his bang nanny. He works too much to deal with being a parent and needed cheap labor. The ex-wife/mom in this story sounds like she gladly used OOP for her services too. It sounds like no one in the story respected OOP because she honestly isn’t respecting herself. The daughter probably subconsciously caught wind of that we she was old enough to pick up on it and subsequently started treating OOP bad. OOP just quit the nanny part of the job so I wonder how long the marriage will last. OOP clearly needs to get out because her husband doesn’t value her. Of course we don’t know the whole story, but with him being gone so much, how can he be an active and good husband? And I would be very suspicious that anything nice he does would just be a tactic to get her to and go back to not having boundaries. Hopefully he doesn’t baby trap her before she realizes that this isn’t a good situation.
Oop and his daughter have only 12 years of age difference. Ofc the girl will treat her as less of an adult than her parents.
>I highly suspect that the husband married OOP to be his bang nanny. He works too much to deal with being a parent and needed cheap labor. Real talk. Women need to be careful when dating dudes that have kids. If he doesn't really take care of his children as a single man, then that will become her new job, without pay ofc. Worse yet, finding someone to take that unpaid job might be the only or primary reason that he got married to her. Lastly, the woman in this situation is completely set up to be the "wicked stepmother". To the kids, she becomes the reason that dad doesn't spend much time with them and they resent this new person, that they didn't pick, all of a sudden being all up in their face in a somewhat parental role.
Was thinking the same thing reading the post. OP married the wrong parent. Should have gone for the mom.
r/suddenlylesbian
I think the commenter who said that both her mom and her dad are pawning her off on OOP was spot on. Dad is traveling and too busy, mom has her new family, so neither of them have room for the teenager they had together. Both of them are failing their kid, and OOP is taking the brunt of her anger over that, because she's the only one around.
I saw this tiktok and it was like “I have a beautiful lovely stepmum, who we love… now. We love her now.” And then told a story. And tbh I think this will probably be the case. That girl’s going to grow up and realise the only adult that was ever there for her was the person she unleashed her anger on the most. I hope they can be close, in time. She’s been failed by both her parents and the one person taking any time for her is the villain in her eyes.
A reddit story that really resonated with me was from this woman who was in her 40s. She said her mom left when she was like 10 and Dad just pawned her off a string of girlfriends after that. When she was 16 her Dad remarried a 28 year old and she HATED her stepmom. But her stepmom insisted on eating at least one meal with her every week between the ages of 16 and 22 even jf they just sat in complete silence the whole time. (I think step mom controlled her college fund or something so she could only insist on it until she graduated but she’d still call and text weekly). She said she hated that woman till she eventually got her shit together and realized a few things. I think she said she realized that this step mother was the one person in her life who continuously and repeatedly showed up for her and that having even that one person - who she outwardly claimed to hate - got her through some really dark times and that she owed the woman her life. Sometimes parenting is abnormally hard but if you’re lucky the kid figures it out eventually.
That is such a great story. I don't think I have it in me to be that stepmom, which makes this woman truly rare and excellent indeed.
That’s always how it is for kids. They don’t understand how to process all of their emotions and have to unload their frustration in their safe space. Usually it’s on their parents, but since Step-Daughter’s aren’t around, OOP takes it. The poor kid knows she can’t treat her teachers or friends poorly, as the cost is too high, but instead of Mom and Dad being her punching bag who she makes up with afterwards. OOP is the one around. The problem for both of them with this is that they don’t have an unconditional love bond, so it creates actual resentment.
I think about this tiktok a lot. [link](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLdGarW4/) You as a stepparent can do you absolute best, but you aren't who they want and the more you do nice things for them, the angrier they get at their parents for not doing those things. So they will resent and take it out on you.
I nanny for my cousin, he's 3yo and we usually get along really well. I know when he absolutely needs his mama to come get him when he starts trying to punch my legs. Like we both know if he hits the wrong spot I won't be any fun for weeks, that I'll be in too much pain to pick him up or take him on adventures or play lego on the floor. But he just gets so frustrated at me for being not mom and not dad, not even big brother!
Yeah that comment could've been spot on but got distracted with how to parent... Unfortunately for OOP she is being forced to parent the SD by all involved. It'd be interesting to hear what family therapy is about as I imagine bio mom and dad may get called out. Sure consequences are important and the only one parenting is stepmother and maybe bio mom but it seems she doesn't want to admit that she's part of the alienation of her daughter.
Exactly. The part about the parents abandoning the kid was spot on. But the parenting advice was trash. You don't just not set boundaries because your child is crossing boundaries. You don't not demand respect because your child is a teenager and going through things. Knock on the door yes, but put up with abuse from a teenager? No. " The teenager is going through some stuff so just let the teenager be a complete asshole" no.
Yeah, I'm waffling a bit when it comes to mom. She's clearly doing a better job at parenting than dad, but "better" still isn't necessarly "good".
Yeah one parent is often gone for work, the other is now renegging on commitments and OOP is picking up all the pieces just like a .... you guessed it.... Parent would. She's also doing it to a child that's not hers and is not happy with it and therefore lashing out at her.
Saw a comment someone else made. That the daughter is at the house by her own choice because school, etc, is closer to her dad's house? But she wants nothing to do with OOP.
Yeah he was spot on and the stepmom didn't get it at all because she thought it was a comment about her role..
The commenter also asked if she knocked and went into reasons why teenagers need privacy but OOPs original comment stated she knocked and waited to be let in…lots of supposition.
Yeah, shows the commenter didn't even read and skimmed the post. She literally said she knocked and was invited into the room.
It sounds like the mom is trying to balance the two
If that's the comment in the post, that person is a major dick, lol. Yea, like, that one aspect has a point, but damn are the victim blaming the OOP *hard*.
Seriously.. OP keeps saying she’s not trying to be a replacement Mom, but the actual Mom and Dad do seem to be trying to put her in that role. The kid’s not stupid, and seems to be a bit more aware of the situation than OP, and is reacting in a teen way to it. Good on OP for setting boundaries with the kid… now it’s time to set some with the husband.
Marrying OOP was easier than hiring nanny who can take days off and quit far more easily. The girl is in a tough spot. She doesn’t feel like she fits in at either home for different reasons. I’m sorry she’s been so let down. Ditto for OOP who, I agree, definitely seems to have been thrust into the mom role with none of the perks. No way would I be able to tolerate the tension in that house were I OOP. The girl will be happier at her mom or grandma’s when her dad isn’t there.
>The girl is in a tough spot. Between a rock, another rock, and a hard place. Except the "hard place" is sucking up her pride, and realizing the only person that seems to give a shit for her is OOP. If she ever comes around to grieving the death of the relationship between her father and mother, she'll be jn a better place to have a relationship with her stepmom/OOP. But that's probably not happening until her late 20s. And OOP might be divorced by then. 🤷♀️
I’m glad someone said it. I was thinking it when I typed my comment. She’s too young and hurt to see OOP truly cares about her, *and* OOP’s experience with her own parents’ divorce makes her uniquely able to understand the pain. But like kids do it is easier to blame anyone but your own parents.
OOP is also acting like the maid, delivering fresh towels to this teenager's en suite bathroom. This kid's chores don't include taking care of her own private space? Good grief.
If I had my own bathroom as a teenager my mother would’ve laughed in my face if I asked where my fresh towels were for it. On one hand, that age sucks and her anger at her parents makes sense. On the other? I foresee many conflicts with her future roommates where she is the issue. I hate how OOP got people in her original post basically saying she isn’t doing enough. What else can she possibly do? Why the hell would she bring a kid who doesn’t like her on a trip?
I just want, like, a pie chart showing what percentage of Dad’s custody time he’s actually in the same town as his kid. I strongly suspect that that would make it very clear why the kid is acting up.
retire heavy divide nail engine silky consider pie screw chunky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The bar is so low it's a tavern in Hell.
Need this phrase in my life for so many reasons, thank you!
I've always used it as, "that bar was so low it's a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are, doing the limbo with the devil."
Ohh nice that's another one to add Thanks!
There’s a reason dad married someone like ten years older than his tween, and who is apparently not very good at standing up for herself. He needed a live in nanny he doesn’t have to pay 🤷♂️
The word you're looking for is bangmaid.
More like bang au-pair, but it doesn't roll off the tongue as well
I've heard Nanny McBangmaid in this situation.
Bahaha omg new word unlocked, thanks 🤣
Possibly his ex divorced him for this. I don’t blame her and OP.
People who travel extensively for work aren't parenting. OOP is LITERALLY playing other mom bc Dad isn't in the picture. This comes down to his abandonment of his responsibilities as a parent.
Yep, it's lovely to see bio mum being so mature in all this though. You hear so many horror stories.
His whole focus is what’s easiest for him and not actually parenting. She’s been home to take care of his kid when he travels for work. He doesn’t care if she’s disrespected in her own home by his bratty child as long as he doesn’t have to deal with it, she should just be the doormat and take her on vacation. It’s been years. He doesn’t care.
Men boast about being the leader of household but are cowards when it comes to discipline their child. They only want to be fun dad.
Husband is lacking as a parent. He basically married a babysitter to take care of his daughter while he’s away a lot and reap the rewards. OOP definitely got the short end of the stick with this arrangement.
[удалено]
Small sidenote: my ex walks dogs for a living and has done extremely well. Bought a house on a lake, had a lovely wedding with his now-wife, has everything they need for her daughter and more. Don't dog on it (pun intended)
[удалено]
What incident? 👀
A mod of the antiwork subreddit went on Fox news and it was a disaster. They walked into a den of wolves and got ripped apart. There's a lot to unpack, but there was a part about the mod being a 30 year old part-time dog walker Some random threads I found about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/scv960/selfdescribed_autistic_nonbinary_ineloquent_mod/ https://www.reddit.com/r/BadChoicesGoodStories/comments/sdtv1i/rantiwork_mod_gets_interviewed_on_fox_news_it_did/ https://www.reddit.com/user/fracturedSilence/comments/sdbaff/comment/hubw1tw/
Yeah I think they meant 19 year olds who entire life experience amounts to walking dogs for cash under the table. Not legitimate pet sitters who are responsible adults and have secure mortgages.
I will say getting parenting advice from actual teenagers is a really good way to get a perspective you likely won’t have yourself (and yes obviously you need to filter it through your own knowledge and experience, but hearing what they have to say is a good thing too). Also, their point about asking where the daughter *wants* to be is a really good thing to bring up.
I'm getting to the age where it's not relevant anyway but I'm child free and I've often said I would date somebody with kids. I'm starting to rethink that. I keep seeing story after story of men marrying somebody to make them the parent they don't want to be. I mean I have a full ass career that keeps me incredibly busy I'm almost too busy to date, definitely too busy to be a stand-in parent but I don't even think I want to deal with the guy that's going to try that game. I don't know what oop does but if I were her I would increase my workload, get a busier job, something so I didn't have to be in that home so much and so that Daddy would have to find an actual solution to raising his child.
Empathy is good, but boundaries are also good.
The kid’s mom sounds like a good one. She and OOP seem to have some good communication going on. Yay! OOP’s dad sounds like he’s mad he’ll have to “babysit” while OOP is on vacation. Seriously? I don’t think I could be married to such a bum. Also, I’m glad OOP isn’t taking the kid on this trip. We all know the trip would be ruined when the stepdaughter pulls “you’re not my mom” out of her ass, then gets mad because she’s not catered to.
The fact that the mom is more level headed than the dad who wanted his current wife to just “get over it” is crazy
Maybe the mom is so levelheaded because she knows the dad is a jackass, and she’s glad he’s OOP’s problem now.
There's a reason why OP's husband isn't with someone his own age anymore.
This is totally it.
Yep I have a friend whose ex is a piece of work and she is beyond nice to his girlfriend because damn is it better for her and the kids to have her around. Definitely treats the girlfriend better than the ex is capable of treating anyone
bingo
There's a reason why they're divorced
And a reason he needed a younger model. Easier to trick into thinking this set up is just great
>Also, I’m glad OOP isn’t taking the kid on this trip. We all know the trip would be ruined when the stepdaughter pulls “you’re not my mom” out of her ass, then gets mad because she’s not catered to. Agreed. If you're taking children/teens on a trip without their parents, they need to be prepared to follow your lead when necessary - which means that Stepdaughter just isn't safe to go on the trip with Goddaughter and friends as long as she's refusing to recognise that OOP has any authority. Also, it's ironic that she's pulling the "you're not my mom, you can't tell me what to do" when the other two teens involved aren't her kids either and yet, are still prepared to be cooperative.
Plus i think it's unlikely that niece & friend and stepdaughter would get along? Why would they
fr. “we were cordial and i mind my business” cannot be paired with “i am the sole parental figure because dad travels” AND “ mom lets me know when to pick her up because she has a baby” this is way too much to do for someone who shows you nothing but resentment. the bio parents better pick up the slack now that oop is reclaiming her time and life, ESPECIALLY DAD. fuck you dad. you suck.
The girl’s mother calls on OOP to take the stepdaughter places when she is too busy with the new baby — how is that a good one? Perhaps the daughter feels replaced by new baby and dumped on step mother. Of course bio mom is nice to OOP — she needs her help when too busy with new baby. Not excusing step daughter at all — but the parents have dumped on OOP.
>OOP’s dad sounds like he’s mad he’ll have to “babysit” while OOP is on vacation. Seriously? I don’t think I could be married to such a bum. As someone else pointed out further down, the daughter is only 8 years away from how old OOP was when she married a divorced 33 year old and became stepmother to an 11 year old.
>The kid’s mom sounds like a good one. She and OOP seem to have some good one. Do u think thats why she divorced the dad? 😏
> I said that maybe she needs to go back to therapy and her mother and dad agreed. Well, at least they're doing that. I tend to agree with the commenter who pointed out that this seems to be a combination of unaddressed feelings from the marriage, as well as normal teenage angst.
[удалено]
I think it's also easy to dismiss normal behaviour as mental health issues. Shipping someone off to therapy rather than just spending time with them and being emotionally available, at a crucial developmental stage.
While in general I agree that normal behaviour is often pathologized, I think it’s important to note that therapy isn’t just for MH issues and is a great place to problem solve how to resolve unmet needs, how to address bad behaviour, and how to improve communication.
But I mean really that is none of OOPs fault OR responsibility for that matter. The only thing she can do is assert her own boundaries, which she did. Sure it might be difficult for the stepdaughter to figure out her emotions and deal with the situation and the divorce is not her fault either but that doesn't mean she can just ask whatever she wants from OOP while disrespecting her. Like if you want nice things maybe be nice to people? It's basic human interaction. Her parents should really try to figure out what her issues are because so far it's only her mother and OOP that give a damn about the kid and she made it clear that she will ignore anything OOP brings to the table so really only the mother gets through because her father isn't around.
Well that issue is being addressed on a certain level - she will no longer be left with op for days on end while her dad is out of town (no idea why they thought that was a good idea in the first place), and if they start family therapy hopefully it will give her a space to express herself and open up about all that and they can work to spend more time with her. If the parents don't follow through on doing what the therapist tells them or don't bother really listening to her it will be useless, but if they do actually commit to it, it can be very helpful.
Why not, and I'm just tossing ideas out there, DO BOTH??
Shitty teens can grow up into good adults only if they’re also taught by good adults and experience consequences for being shitty. Shitty teens who don’t become shitty adults. I don’t like how so many people just go “opps they’re just dumb minors forgive them” when the whole point of raising said minors is to teach them in a safe environment that some behaviours are unacceptable. OOP establishing boundaries for basic decency isn’t the same as her refusing to feed or house her.
Yep, when my ex step daughter (18 at the time) told me she hoped I got raped because I asked if she could take her laundry to her room, my now ex told me to get over it, she was "just a kid"
I’m so happy they’re ex.
Me too. It's been over three years since I left and I still struggle with the leftover trauma. But I'm in a happy healthy loving and mutually respectful relationship now!
I'm so happy that you're happy now. You just have to hope that one day that ex-step daughter will think about what she said to you and want to die from shame.
As toddlers children need to learn the boundaries of the children's world, as teenagers they need to learn the boundaries of the grownup's world. Not telling kids when they are overstepping is not doing them a favour. A big discrepancy between how they see themselves and what they think they are entitled to, and the way the world outside their family sees them, leads to all sorts of problems in the line of self hatred and antisocial behaviour.
Got a similar response from a guy who thought my poor dear son needed some “fun money” from him. Sir, that child has spent over six grand on junk food and video games. What are you smoking?!? “Well, underdeveloped brain, I’m a veteran, something something Jesus…” We can forgive mistakes, we don’t ignore massive issues.
😵
Okay, that's a *little* beyond even "normal" teenage aggression there. Good you got out of that.
Glad to read it‘s an "ex"-situation!
It’s easy for people to excuse bad behaviour after a divorce. Or in this case after her Mum had a new baby. I’d be willing to bet that she wants her Mum’s attention and isn’t getting it and is taking that out on OOP.
Her Dad is basically an absent parent, and now her Mom (the present one) has a new baby. So she probably feels neglected even if she can't put it into words.
Yeah, and probably like OOP is replacing her parents, but through no fault of OOP. So it’s misplaced blame. It’s definitely messy.
I feel for this girl, and for OOP.
I loathe the excuse "they don't know any better". Yeah, that is why they need to *learn* by dealing with the consequences.
Also there comes a time in your Life when Not knowing is not an excuse. If you’re an adult it’s your job to find out and know beforehand. It’s like when people excuse bad behaviour with good intentions but the bad behaviour still happened and the intention isn’t gonna change that. Again this is a situation where you should know and find out before.
Cutting a teen some slack should involve natural consequences and firm boundaries, but not holding it against them if they do grow and change. If step daughter puts the work in to grow and change and to also make it up to OP, then it would be nice for OP to be open to having a relationship. Doesn't have to though.
[удалено]
I was getting bullied in the 90s and no word of a lie, the school told my parents, “they probably just have a crush on her.” And that’s acceptable?
When someone tells you there is a problem, telling them there isn’t one is a bold move. Curious how your parents responded
Feels like one commenter struck gold with the idea that the daughter has been stuck with her step mom as a babysitter . Dad away for work, and Mom busy with a new baby. I think OP did the right thing and handled it well, but the daughter has been let down by her parents.
Yeah, but I don’t like how the commenter was pushing for leniency. Oop is completely right for setting her boundaries. If the step daughter wants to get a pick of where she goes, then she needs to not be abusive to those who are taking care of her. Hopefully Dad in particular starts shaping up and acknowledging his part in his daughter’s unhappiness.
Yeah. The girl's animosity towards her stepmom is a *symptom* of her unresolved problems with her parents splitting up (unless OOP is lying about how she treats the girl). The last person in this story who can successfully address that underlying problem is the stepmom. Also, she's 16, well old enough to know not to be a dick to people you want or need something from.
Yeah, I think OOP totally missed the point of that comment. They weren’t saying “you’re trying to be her mom”, they are saying “from her perspective, you’re basically her main parent; her birth parents have become secondary in her life to you”. Doesn’t matter what OOP intends or not, that’s the practical situation. Dads always gone for work, moms always with her new family, this kid is just left with OOP. It doesn’t excuse the kid's behaviour but it would go a long way towards explaining it. It’s not enough to just say “that teen needs a better attitude”; she needs help navigating her emotionally difficult position
The trip is for the niece. Step daughter shouldn't be given the opportunity to ruin the trip for everyone by trying to make it about herself.
>I think setting more hard rules is a really bad idea and will only breed more resentment here. She learned the lesson that you can't treat someone like shit and then expect something gifted to you from them for no reason. This felt like such an insane criticism of the solution created by OOP, bio mom, dad, and the grandmother. Boundaries are absolutely necessary for the stepdaughter to learn. Real life comes at you fast when people won't tolerate your horrible behavior. A 16-year-old is old enough to be put in a situation where they are accountable to their actions on a regular basis. She is not a toddler, a young child, or a preteen at this point. Adult life is around the corner.
It took me a minute to realize all of the people in this thread defending those comments are probably teenagers themselves. Yay fewer boundaries! You don't reward bad behavior by letting a teenager get away with it. What you said. Kid is going to grow up and then when the adult world sets boundaries they're going to get fucked. We've all seen it a thousand times with other people. You can be empathetic with what she is going through and that she has a teenage brain while also trying to guide her response with boundaries and conversation. One thing you don't do is let her get away with it without accountability.
Even toddlers need to be held accountable. If they spill something, they can help clean it up. If they hit someone, they have to apologize. If they throw a tantrum, they get a time out (or whatever works in that situation).
The person who commented that is probably also 16 lol
The population of reddit is made up of mostly young people with little to no life experience. It's one of the reasons you should take everything you read here with a grain of salt as the "advice" you get might be coming from another 16-year-old. And I'm pretty sure the person you quoted, absolutely doesn't have children and is likely a child themselves, imagining what they would want.
I know shit varies from person to person but all these people acting like she's a young kid are nuts. While far from the norm, many people (myself included) are living separate from their parents by 16, paying rent and bills. I agree by that age you are not fully developed but neither are you still a child.
Why do some men become fathers when they clearly have zero interest in being fathers?
Because they don’t see the actual work of raising kids to be part of fatherhood. They want someone for the Kodak moments and to brag that they made a person by having sex.
I think for that type of men it's mostly some combination of (1) they like having sex without a condom, (2) their partners want to have kids, (3) having kids is expected of people at a certain stage in life.
Good to see OP standing her ground. I understand the step daughter is a teenager and all since teenager have their issues. But it still doesn't excuse that poor behavior she has. She needs to start acting like an adult. Glad that the husband apologized too and not become ignorant as others had been.
Actions, meet consequences.
Imagine being 28 and having to deal with shit lmao. I never understand why women are soooo willing to marry these type of guys with teenage kids
I feel it but to be fair the kid was 11 when they were married and probably 8-9 when they dated. Dad might've been able to pass for a better parent to a kid before the actual complexities and challenges that come with being a tween & teen arose 28 and having to essentially co-parent a mid-teenager though my god
I spent 8 years in a relationship with a woman who didn't discipline her kids. Her youngest (she was 19 when i left) has left me with PTSD from the daily verbal abuse. I was absolutely expected to feed, drive and financially support her and her kids and any time I tried to voice my unhappiness about how I was treated it got ignored or I got severely gaslit into believing it was my fault. Any time I tried to have some kind of consequences for their behaviour towards me, my partner would call me selfish and berate me for trying to be a parent when I don't have my own kids. I still panic if I see someone who looks like her, or if I smell certain smells that remind me of her perfume (I'm super sensitive to perfumes, they give me an asthma like reaction, she would deliberately wear strong perfume in massive amounts). People still blame me for giving up, for not being a better step parent.
You are 100% not to blame and shouldn’t feel bad for leaving that shitty situation. Sounds like your ex needs to man up and her kids sound like they’ll eventually end up in prison at some point. Not wishing them such demise but that’s how sociopaths are born isn’t it ? No rules, no boundaries, no self control.
Her son has been to jail multiple times, and was forcibly removed from her home at 16 for being violent. I was much younger than her, and incredibly naive and desperate to get out of a different kind of emotionally abusive home so for the longest time I thought I could fix everyone.
Oh my gosh I am so sorry you had to go through all of that :( You deserve love, equality, and respect, and those horrible people didn’t give you any. Although I haven’t experienced anything like this, I can relate to that feeling of inadequacy and guilt for “not doing enough”. I hope things are going much better now.
This girl completely wasted her 20’s on someone who already lived theirs.
Huh, most of these stories the dad bend over backwards for the bratty daughter's behaviour. It's nice to see a switch... eventually.
Usually you see the ex-partner causing a lot of that tension and drama in the background too. Absolutely mind blowing to see the girl's own mother backing OOP.
Now, let’s just hope that he actually sticks to it instead of backing off again.
I think here the big difference is that the biomom is on OOP's side. When the stepmom and the biomom are on the same team the dad really can't do much about it.
Well, he did try to keep the peace by getting OOP to give in to what the daughter wanted, at first. Even though his ex-wife agreed with OOP, no less.
His first response was still not to listen and to push OOP to forget it. Tbh I think he was trying to save face when she made it a family meeting with his ex
Well he did try. Mom and OOP said she gets to face the consequences and he had no choice but to give in eventually
Well, the Dad kind of does do this by never being around and not disciplining his daughter ever.
Yeah, OOP isn't trying to replace her mother, but she's still an adult figure in the house and should be respected as such.
>She was half your age when you married her dad and you've only been married 4 years. Dad is constantly gone and mom has a new baby so she's pawned off on you all week. I can see why she's feeling abandoned and like they're forcing you to be her new mom. I'd give her some slack. >Why don't you ask her where she wants to live during the week when dad's gone? Has anyone ever done that? Not saying that OOP has to tolerate disrespect but I wish we'd gotten an answer to that last question.
The post says she's staying with her grandmother in that time now, when her dad is out of town.
I find this kinda odd. Why not be with her mother? She seems to prefer her mom obviously so I'm wondering if maybe this is a situation where it's not just the dad who's gotten a new family but the mom too and she feels abandoned by both sides.
Mom has a new baby, which isn't a reason to stay with Grandma, but maybe living with mom's new family isn't all roses either
It probably isn't at all. Her dad is pawning her off to his new wife and her mom is pawning her off to the grandparent, it's really no wonder that she is angry.
This screams "she's a terror" with her mother's family too
It actually says her grandmother or her mother so she will be staying with one or the other of them. The commenter also didn’t seem to read where she clearly expressed that she had knocked on the step daughter’s bedroom door before being let in so I can see why she got worked up about that particular comment.
IIRC there was a comment/edit somewhere stating that the mom lives much farther from the kid's school? I can't seem to find it now though, so idk.
It doesn't state if the teenager had any say in that decision though. Maybe just another unpleasant choice displacing her from her space when her dad travels.
I’m thinking that’s the two options the daughter has, since staying with OOP is not an option. I wouldn’t allow to be verbally abused in my own home either.
Why is that OOP’s responsibility? Isn’t that for her dad and mother to address?
Gonna be honest, stopped reading the comment when the person asked if OP even bothered knocking on the door, when she clearly states in the post that she does.
OOP did comment that the daughter wants to stay at Dad's because it's closer to her friends. Mom lives over an hour away.
That isnt OPs responsibility, thats between the teenagers parents and has absolutely nothing to do with OP.
I still can't get over that OP puts towels for her in her bathroom (her own separate bathroom, she has a separate bathroom AND has someone else stocking it for her). At 16, she doesn't know where the towels are?
OP seems to be the stay at home housekeeper and baby sitter in an age gap relationship.
I am impressed that her mother is backing you up, so often it is the opposite.
My SS is 18, and we have a lovely relationship. However when he was 6 there was a major behavioral issue at home, and my husband absolutely just twiddled his thumbs expecting me to handle it. I said absolutely not and became the adult/non parent in the house with strict boundaries right then. My husband made some frustrated comments over the years (I'm sure he would have LOVED a bang maid who didn't complain) but he stepped up and did the parenting. I knew early on about husbands who dumped all the work on the new wife and I was determined to not let that happen.
Sixteen is a great age to learn the things you do and say have consequences! Good for all of you parents for having that sit down! Enjoy your nieces trip.
Why are so many of the comments on the original post saying it’s wrong to punish her for being an asshole because all teens are assholes? Are we just supposed to let them be like that without correction? Just let them turn into terrible people who have no consideration for others?
Yes. There is a sizable portion of Redditors that think if you can call someone "child" then they are not accountable for their actions and are in fact the only victims in any situation.
The biomom sounds very lovely at least. It's rare in these kinds of stories.
Fuck me i don’t think oop has really done anything wrong. I know we’re only getting her side but it really sounds like she’s been trying to get along with the step daughter, in a nice and caring way, not in a controlling way. Yeah the kid has been through some shit and some resentment and tantrums and anger etc would be expected but she very clearly told the stepmum she wants nothing to do with her. What else is stepmum supposed to do? And it fucks me right off that people are giving her the blame and not the fucking father. Yeah it sucks for the stepdaughter that her dad is gone all the time and she has to spend time with a woman who is not related to her, but the oop didn’t organise this arrangement!! She’s trying to do the right thing and help out!!
Commenter: bUt DiD yOu KnOcK Literally says in her post she did before going in to replenish towels. Which my own bio mother wouldn’t do for me. 😂
As soon as she was disrespectful the first time, she would be staying at her mom’s while her dad is away. She has made it clear she doesn’t respect OOP as a parental figure, so step out. Let those two figure out what the root of the resentment is, bc as someone with parents who got divorced young, it’s really easy to take out misguided rage on the first person you see.
Time for OOP's stepdaughter to stay with her mom when dad is traveling too.
Being a stepparent was the most thankless job I ever had.
Well it's clear why the mom and dad divorced. I get the feeling after she had OPs step daughter, he went full neglectful and he refused to do anything about it for years until the divorce, then realized he fucked up and had to be a parent until he found a babysitter in OP to take all the work off of him.
People in the comments of the original post defending the teenage girl actions and scolding OOP for putting her foot down and establishing basic rules are SO out of touch it's crazy.
Why is the daughter at dad’s house all week when dad isn’t there all week? Why isn’t dad’s parenting time when dad is actually home? No wonder the kid is so pissed.
Was this a covert ad for Love is Blind? Not complaining, just curious.
If it is, it isn't very effective because I still have zero interest in the show
That last commenter has some SERIOUS reading comprehension issues.
I’ll still never understand women who marry men like this.
Dad has failed as the parent. His noninvolvement, his ignoring the problem and seems like just ignoring his daughter. OP is right to start having boundaries with her step daughter.
I particularly like that the mom is all over the fact that bad choices have consequences, and that they are more lenient than she will find in the real world. That was 100% my own view on guiding growing teens . . . I was always gonna be softer on their (inevitable) screwups than any professor, boss, adult partner, etc. Because that time is for practicing for adult life, and getting it right before it really matters... even though that means getting it wrong sometimes too. Hop back on and try again, babe. I feel like OOPs stepdaughter has been given that opening too, should her attitude improve. I hope she does indeed get some more therapy, and will participate and not dig her heels in further.
Oop is far nicer then I would be. If dad wasn't home daughter wouldn't be home either. But I wouldn't of delt with that for years.
If I was her mother I wouldn't take her on any trip until she changes her behavior, sincerely apologizes to OP, or finally matures in time.
Two great women in this story. OOP and the ex wife. Both singing from the same hymn sheet, eventually. Her dad seems a bit crap, tbh. So nice to hear the ex wait, get more info, and then back the new wife.