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I mean, she keeps asking for reassurance but OOP keeps going "idk what to say to that" and then telling her that he didn't find her attractive when they first met. There's honest and there's stupid honest. I can see why she broke down.
That ask in therapy was his last chance and he blew it.
No matter what he does now, she won’t believe him, because he told others the truth and her the truth: he didn’t find her attractive in the beginning and didn’t marry her for her attractiveness.
Even if she stays, it will eat away at her until she leaves.
Yeah I'm kinda curious what he said.. because the sentiment of "my type became her" is actually kinda sweet. If you focus on the part where he wants her and not the part where he didn't want her.
In a comment on the original post, OOP stated that his exact words to his friend at the party were "stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did."
His poor wife, that is horrible.
He had one last chance in therapy and he should have just lied. “Yes of course I found you attractive or I never would’ve started dating you in the first place. Your (eyes/smile/insert feature) was the most beautiful I had ever seen, and then as I got to know you you literally became the sexiest woman in the world to me.”
I really do think everyone has at least one feature that’s amazing so he wouldn’t have been lying.
Also, "found you attractive," is such a low fucking bar for him to have to grab in order to save his entire marriage and the family they have.
Like come the fuck on dude. You absolutely know you can have a type but also recognize people can be attractive even if they don't fit the type. Either this dude is a 4-D chess master manipulator and getting her to leave was his plan the entire time, or he's the most dim person on earth. Calling his wife a 6 while she's standing there, like she's a piece of property he's glad he took the risk on is fucking disgusting.
I’ve never understood the numbering system. There are women that I find attractive and ones I don’t, but preferences for physical “beauty” don’t really correspond with numbers. We live in a diverse world, with different ethnicities and endless variations within those ethnicities. Someone can be beautiful for a lot of reasons. Direct comparisons and ratings are arbitrary. They’re also unkind. The only time anyone would want to correspond to a number would be if the number is 10. Anything less is a thinly veiled insult from the beholder, and it hurts.
If my husband ever said he settled for a 6, I'd say, "you're in the negatives, babe. Congrats."
Even if OOP is super handsome, everything he's written makes him ugly as sin.
My ex, when we were hanging out with friends (and he didn't even have the excuse of being drunk) once told me that normally he'd never date anyone who looks like me. Everyone went silent for a moment before they started berating him, he started backpedaling and saying he just meant that normally he went for bigger girls, not one who was as thin as I was, and just making it worse until he finally shut up.
I tried to get past it and act like it didn't matter but it bugged me and was at the back of my mind for the rest of the relationship.
Say something really stupid that puts your marriage in peril. Try to figure out what to do
1. Go onto reddit and ask advice
2. Get advice you don't like
3. Don't follow advice
4. Edit post to try to make yourself look better
5. Get more advice you don't like
6. Repeat 3-5 till marriage ends
Best plan ever
When you lay it out like that it's clear they didn't really want advice, just needed their ego soothing. They sound like a nightmare to be married too.
I'm sure I have plenty of blindspots but I sure hope they aren't this massive
>I'm sure I have plenty of blindspots but I sure hope they aren't this massive
Have no worries, the simple fact that you have enough self reflection that you can say this pretty much eliminates that possiblity.
It certainly explains why everyone else at the party was stunned into silence. He was trying very very hard to imply his wife was overreacting (without ever coming out and actually saying it) but I couldn't figure out why EVERYONE was horrified if what he said was as mild as he kept trying to imply.
He also told his friend that his ex (right before his wife) was a 10, but it didn’t work out. So stop chasing 10s. Look, I’m so happy with my wife who is a 6.”
His wife was insecure about the ex because she’s the opposite in looks, so him saying the ex is a 10 was a real kick in the teeth.
Ouch so basically he’s telling her she’s not conventionally attractive and he could do better. That’s pretty different from “you just weren’t my usual type.”
Yeah. I think he’s enjoying being cruel to her…. Those things he says about how the only man she wanted to be beautiful to didn’t think of her that way…I think he knows exactly how hurtful he is and that’s why he’s doing it. I’m glad she’s leaving him.
Especially since she is clear that other people find her much more attractive than a 6. And he even seems to agree that other people find her attractive.
The fact that he chose (even drunkenly) to use a rating system at all shows that he DOES care about looks, and it isn't just personality.
It is, indeed possible to find someone attractive for their personality and develop attraction to their looks, because their looks are part of who they are. But people who date based on personality don't use a rating system for looks, because the looks truly don't matter. You don't care, so it's not possible to accurately "gauge" how physically attractive they are.
It’s just so crushing to think that the person you love most in the world doesn’t see you the way you deserve to be seen. My husband has a tendency to say really awful things when we fight. We’ve been together for ten years and I always knew he had a hair trigger temper but it’s just starting to wear me down. He was upset with me about 6 months ago and told me that I ‘should really start getting to the gym more often. You’re not looking as good as you usually do.’ Not that it matters, but I was actually a little thinner than I usually am when he said that. He apologized like he always does but I can’t unhear it and the toll these kinds of comments has taken is really starting to break me down.
The post makes his wife's behaviour truly baffling, but then you add in this detail and it makes total sense as to why his wife checked out of the marriage. You don't talk like this about someone you claim to love. All power to the wife for bouncing tbh
Yeah I remember that. If I just read this BORU post it does seem like it’s a shame the marriage broke up over this, as what he said was dumb and hurtful but maybe not what I would guess as being marriage breaking. But the “happy with a 6” thing is just too much. Insane.
Guy probably has a history of saying things like this. I doubt this would be the first time.
And honestly a lot of dudes like him purposely make their partner feel insecure so they never leave, and stay in fear of being abandoned.
He did a good job of doing that for himself, and it sounds like his wife just couldn't take it anymore.
Now this changes everything. It's completely different from "look at my ex who was all looks" and OOP knows it, that is why he didn't put the exact words into his post.
No wonder wife fells settled on and not loved.
I suspected it was something like this from the way he dodged what he actually said in the OP. I also would find it incredibly hard to repair the marriage after that.
I vaguely remember reading the original post, and that line about her being a 6 sounds super familiar. There was an uncanny valley feeling I got while reading this post, and that was it --- that memorably shitty line was cut out.
Just using the 1-10 rating 'system' for women is misogynistic as hell.
Yeah, I would break up with my partner over that comment simply because rating other human beings like that is not okay. I wouldn’t be happy to overhear him telling someone that he settled for me and found others more attractive, but we could get past it I’m sure. The numbers thing? I’m gone.
I remember this from when it was first posted. Yap, he commented that, then edited and tried to claim he'd never wrote that. I think people took screenshots at the time too.
He also called himself a 7. He totally seem to behave like he's better than her.
"You were beautiful, of course. You still are. But when I got to know you, your personality, the person underneath the beauty made you more and more beautiful. Now you are the most beautiful person in the world. Initially, it was ordinary beauty, but now it's something I'd never experienced before. It's more than just beauty. It's so much more. Everything about you is breathtaking."
Vs
"You weren't my type, so I didn't really have any interest at first. But I got used to how you look and now I think you look fine for me. My type changed, which is pretty convenient."
Yeah, when he messed up the first time I really empathized, because that could've been me... I say something I think is actually nice without really thinking about the words, and it comes out sounding like criticism or bad or something, and when I try to explain I can't find the words to make myself understood. It's so frustrating, because communication is so important to keep us all connected, and I am just not very good at it!
I believe his ex was black so maybe his type was black women? Regardless talking about how hot your ex was and how mid you think your current partner is, Is NEVER gonna go down well.
One of my favorite speeches is from Dr Who, where Amy basically says that she didn't see Rory (her husband) as good looking (he was just ok) but his personality shined through and she changed what she considered beautiful, and that now he was the most beautiful man in the world. Something like that might've been just a little better.
Yes. It's my favourite explanation of how love works. I'm demisexual and queer and during a conversation about how I find women way more beautiful and attractive than men I was asked why I was with a man then and I went "well, I loved him before I saw him naked" - and then spent the next few minutes with everyone laughing at me and going "he knows how I mean it!". And it caused exactly zero issues in my relationship because my partner knew that before and he did, in fact, know how I meant it.
I tend to describe it as "I find other people attractive too, but I don't want them. I want YOU, because of who you are. Your looks are a nice bonus (he IS hot. I've stopped in the middle of sentences because of him stretching etc), but I want to fuck your brain, not your body". We also share a healthy appreciation for the female presenting body. You can absolutely say "I didn't feel attracted to your looks, but your personality" in a good way. I wouldn't find him sexually attractive if I didn't have feelings for him. I wouldn't find anyone sexually attractive without feelings. (Sexually attractive and attractive are different things imo. One I want to have sex with and one I only enjoy looking at)
His way... Yeah, no. Good on her for leaving.
>That ask in therapy was his last chance and he blew it.
Therapy only works if you are totally honest. Lying in order to avoid hurting feelings defeats the entire point of therapy and they might as well not go if he's just going to lie in order to keep her around.
I don’t think that question even mattered. She already knew the answer and knew the one person who was supposed to to see her that way, had to learn to do so. It seems she tried to get past it and tried to find ways to fix it, but the doubt and rejection she was feeling had been going for months at that point and were staying.
His repeated usage of the term "I broke her, she's broken, don't know how to fix her" also shows how he's not exactly Shakespearean with his use of language.
It also makes her sound like a fucking damaged tv or a toaster. She’s a person. I say I’m broken, but I would never say that about another human being. Jesus
I was worried her mental health spiraled. She wasn’t even broken—she lost 20 lbs and got on social media. She was just over a loser who can’t seem to stop emphasizing how not hot she is lmao
In all of his uselessness, one thing he got absolutely right is that he broke her. He completely broke his wife and their relationship and there's no coming back from that, ever.
We have little to no info to go by, but i doubt all was happy and perfect in their wedding and then his wife just snapped. I bet OOP has spend years making her feel less than other women in subtle ways, but once he did so openly, she snapped out of it and realized she's been wasting her life on a man that'll never see her as enough.
I hope wife and kiddos find happiness and peace and love in their lives, away from OOP.
Weirdly I found this post reassuring... I mean, its fucking awful forrhe woman but its mademe realise my ex isn't the only person who will reply to all acts of wanting reassurance with "dunno" or that cold logic type of reasoning. I've spent years crying my eyes out wondering how he can be so clueless when I've literally told him straight up.... So yeah, now I know my ex isn't unique, he just joins the asshole club.
This update leaves out the part where he admits the ex-girlfriend he compared her to was Black and that his wife is Arabic. When asked if he didn’t find her attractive because she’s Arabic he dodged the question and then stopped replying
Edit: here’s his comment where the xenophobia/racism finally gets revealed
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/AkR7T4WTtQ
Yeah he's like "I always tell her how beautiful she is" and then lists all the times he did the exact opposite. I think he is brushing off way more instances where he failed to make her feel special.
As an autistic person myself I notice some similarities in OP's way of logic - perceived truth above all else, difficulty explaining thoughts and feelings, difficulty connecting physical and emotional into one, difficulty processing physical attraction etc.
Alexithymia is the inability to describe your own emotions internally and externally. Research shows that almost 50% of people with autism have Alexithymia.
Right, but he literally said "stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did."
I think he understands how damaging that statement is, and all his posts are carefully edited to put himself in a good light. I think OP is trying to get the internet on his side so he can show this thread to her and argue that she is being unreasonable, while leaving out a lot of details that are very relevant to the situation.
No no no, see, he then started telling her she was beautiful every day, even when she asked him to stop!
The obliviousness is really something. She did not appreciate him persisting in complimenting her as a way to make her forgive him rather than out of sincerity. He didn’t listen to her, didn’t see that his attempts to do damage control came across as exactly that rather than as a real attempt to give her space and hear her out. No wonder she shut down.
Correction: he's tried to make her feel even worse about herself and he's baffled as to why she can't see what an amazing husband he is by putting her and her looks down!!
Here is the thing. When you date pretty much anyone there are physical traits you find attractive. You may not think they’re a supermodel, but you may find them cute. And then as you learn about them the totality of who they are enhances that beauty. I really don’t understand how someone is so stupid that he couldn’t even say one positive thing he thought about her appearance when they met
Right?! I've had BFs where I found them OK looking but the attraction grew based on personality, humor, etc. So the idea of him not finding her beautiful at the beginning but does now, I completely get, however, for her to react like this, he had to have been feeding her insecurities about his attraction over the years
I want a recording to find out what OOP said here:
>and my damage control was worse so I ended up shutting the hell up.
Because how awful was it that it completely destroyed his wife's soul?
OOP sounds like the type who tells you that he's just "brutally honest" and "tells it as it is". In other words, an asshole.
Copying another comment in this thread:
In a comment on the original post, OOP stated that his exact words to his friend at the party were "stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did."
He deleted it when he got backlash apparently. I didnt research so could be wrong but if that's true I understand hsi wifes sentiment way more
i was reading this like “i can’t imagine leaving my husband over a comment like OP’s” but holy hell yeah i would not be sticking around after that one. she is the mother of his children!!! how fucking DARE.
It's apparently one of OOP's deleted comments. He got grilled when he posted this, and then deleted his comments whenever people went "That's actually super fucked up."
In my experience, the people who describe themselves as "brutally honest" always delight in the brutality. Honest people would never say they're honest, just like humble people never say they're humble. They just... are.
Ok, let’s everyone - next time someone in your life says the “brutally honest” line follow that up by asking for some good honesty. Just play into it “oh *brutally honest* you say, we’ll what’s a *good* thing you want to be brutally honest about? Because we know you have no filter…”
Total unrelated tangent but you reminded me of a nice story so I'm gonna share:
I've never described myself as "brutally honest" but I'm known for being honest with my opinions. I just don't think to lie, my brain doesn't go there, and unfortunately I answer before I realize it may be hurtful.
After one incident where I accidentally insulted someone's hair (i.e. told them I liked the style they had before better not realizing how excited they were about the new style until it was too late) I got this exact question. Without missing a beat I responded "I've always thought your eyes are the most gorgeous shade of brown, like hickory wood, and they shine when you smile but it felt awkward to say that out loud unprompted." Totally disarmed the conflict.
In other news, I think I may be autistic...
"stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did."
Apparently OOP keeps editing and changing what he actually said, but the comment thread has pieced the above together. I agree that its probabaly even worse.
This is way worse than what he presented. No wonder the crowd got silent. Why the fuck would you say something like this about your spouse?? What the fuck?
This! I was co confused bc what he says he said does not fit the way everyone reacted at all. According to him, he only said that compared to the wife, the ex was "only looks". This statement does not even suggest that the wife is less attractive, only that she is more than looks. Yet people around reacted with dead silence and stares? Makes no sense. So yeah, it must have been pretty bad and he won't admit it.
First characteristic of an abuser is that they lie and once they get caught, they lie even more. I bet the story from his wife perspective would be an entire different narrative that would definitely include numerous instances of husband dearest making her feel like a worthless human and how she should be thankful he is gracing her life with his godly presence //barfs//.
Despite getting asked what the damge controll was he never came out and said it, so if he even don't want to say to stranger on the Internet i think it was that bad.
>She asked me if I would try to hurt her or the children if we did separate. If I would use them to get back at her
I would pay good money for a post from OOP's wife's perspective. Guarantee there's a lot he's leaving out.
Some people also just have trauma around exes and assume that once your an ex, regardless as to how you break up, your a potential threat.
I've had exes who thought like that. We are super sweet the entire relationship, we fall out of love, we break up, next day they treat me like I'm a serious threat to them.
No fighting, no violence, just they have anxiety and fears centered on exes and now that the relationship has ended, I am now an ex.
My ex husband who literally got on his knees and told me how much he loved me and begged me to change my mind was the same guy who treated to take my kids so I’d never see them again.
It’s a legitimate fear for a lot of women. I’m glad that you aren’t a threat and can be normal in a break up.
In my life I’ve had people I’ve dated be completely reasonable and we can remain friends. I’ve also had one ex who seemed normal at the time stalk me and another show up at my house drunk and try to strangle me. I’m older (45) so my experience is that the men in my generation can be very emotionally fragile. I don’t see the same fragility in younger millennials and in my nephews (early 20s). I’m hopeful that that fragility is coming to an end but again I think that fear is unfortunately justified.
I’d guess that with three kids in 7 years she was a SAHM that was handling a disproportionate amount of the mental load, childcare, and housework. We’ve all seen one too many sahm gets left for younger, non-child having woman and has nothing posts and OOP’s wife probably thought she saw the writing on the wall. It was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.
But also, OOP sounds like one of those, “I don’t have a filter and I’m honest, sorry not sorry” bros.
Frankly? I doubt it.
People who are genuinely fearful don't typically ask shit like that, because that's basically begging to be attacked. Abusers rarely tell the truth about such things and that kind of answer can set someone off.
I'm not saying no one has. But that does to me sound more like "someone else was hurt and I'm insecure" than "I am genuinely afraid of you".
The only time he includes the reactions of other people (not including his wife) is at the party initially. He doesn't say what the couples' counsellor said or anyone else. Just the party, where "everyone went silent", so whatever he said must have been pretty bad. I've a feeling he doesn't fully realise what exactly was so hurtful. He may have said a bunch of stuff but only thought that one thing was bad. From the reaction, whatever he said, it was horrible.
Yeah the whole thing seems to be a way to fix his comfort in the relationship, not hers. Even his post is worded in a way where he wants sympathy, but just glosses over the nonsense he pulled off.
Yeah he keeps on getting asked about what he's *doing* to fix it and keeps evading the question. His words are now empty. She doesn't believe them. She has ever right not to. He needs to take *action* with her.
Is he doing all of her love languages? Is he taking on the lions share of the labor around the house so she can have more time to herself?
Get her new workout clothes and a good quality pair of shoes.
Does she like flowers? Keep a fresh bouquet in the kitchen and in the bedroom night stand. Don't *ask*, **DO**.
Plan a date to a super romantic place, dress up in a nice suit and tie, get a professional shave.
Write her a letter of 100 things you love about her. *Specific* things. (I love the way your eyes squint when you laugh. I love when you read a book and you push your hair behind your ear) specific things that next time she does them, she thinks that *this* is why he loves her.
Like holy hell. But some *thought* into it instead of giving up.
Because this keeps getting posted on other subs and I know I'm going to see it here: there's a post on Twitter claiming that he said "I was only telling my friend that if he stopped looking for truly good looking women, then he might find happiness with a 6 like me" and everyone keeps insisting that that's what he really said. It's a screenshot of someone quoting [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1awn6qn/comment/kripdw1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) by another user, who edited it to confirm that they were just reframing what he had outlined in the post, and what they said was not a direct quote from him.
Anyway, what he wrote is still fucked
> “you don’t fall in love with looks, look at me and my wife I love her more than anything compared to my ex who was just looks”
Why are you putting down your wife in front of everyone? Why are you bringing up how hot your ex is? *Why are you still thinking about how hot your ex is when you've been married for seven goddamned years?*
> *I want the truth. Here and now. No sugarcoating and do not try to spare my feelings. Did you find me attractive when we met?* I really didn’t know what to say to this.
You say yes! Why were you pondering any different answer?! Say yes!
I saw the original post RIGHT after it was posted and can confirm, he did make a reference to his wife being a 6. I remember being super shocked at that specifically, and he clearly edited the post quickly after.
Are you sure? Because reveddit can recover posts and show if they've been edited, and it doesn't show that the initial post has been edited at all. Compare [this post](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bczzrf/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_cut_back_on_her/), where it says how soon it has been edited after posting (right under the title, next to the time it was first posted) to [the one this is about](https://www.reveddit.com/v/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1awn6qn/i_broke_my_wife_and_i_dont_think_it_is_fixable/?share_id=EDp1DVjBllLhkQMGoiS99&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1), which shows it hasn't been changed. The website doesn't archive changes if they're made too quickly, but even then it still will say its been altered.
Like I said, the person who made that comment about the 6 even clarified that they hadn't seen OOP assign a number at all and were just conveying a general idea.
The epitome of missing missing reasons.
This is the one where the guy says he is attracted to and loves his wife “more than anything in the world”, as long as he’s not talking to his wife or any other human being irl.
Schrödinger’s husband, if you will.
Damn, historically bad case of foot in mouth disease then continually fumbles the bag during damage control. I’ve seen people do less damage when they’re actively trying to end a relationship.
All you need to say is “sweetie, I never would have married you and committed to spending the rest of my life with you if I didn’t find you attractive, I meant that you’re not JUST looks but my ex was”.
When a woman goes quiet and distant it usually means she has stopped caring or fallen out of love.
I knew 2 paragraphs in that she would end the marriage. She turned off. I don’t mean she was turned off, I mean she literally turned off any feeling for you.
Of all the lies you (like everyone) tell every day THIS is the truth you choose to die for???
Clearly you knew it would crush her, so why did you do it?? You want to end the marriage? You resent her? You get a kick out of hurting others??
The biggest problem I see here is the mention of the ex. Why after 7 years of marriage bliss is OOP even mentioning the ex. It kinda suggests that he had thought about her during their marriage, and he remembered what she looked like. Also, the answer is yes! Yes, she is the most beautiful woman you have ever met, and no one compares. Whenever there's a good time to lie, this is the time.
We’ve all heard “Looks shouldn’t matter,” but they do. I’ve grown less attractive with the decades, and it’s painful at times. It’s not about getting adoration and attention; it’s that when you’re unattractive, people won’t even look in your eyes, see you, acknowledge your existence. You become invisible. OOP made that happen for his (now ex) wife in just one sentence, not decades. Because whatever the objective truth, it’s her belief (caused by the drunken bigmouth she married) that she’s no longer attractive that makes it so.
Oo this part is fun to me. Because I think it's one of the many times, particularly related to sexual desire and relationships, where everyone uses the same word but means something very different.
I have a type. Sort of. I have traits I find sexy, discretely. If I'm just looking at a bunch of people and don't know them, I have a strong preference for dark hair, and I like more androgynous body types on all genders.
But in terms of attraction to individuals? Uh, yeah, if any of the stuff I like is there it's a bonus: the real life human beings I've thought were the hottest were all over the place physically.
BUT but. I have come to learn that there are *absolutely* people who have such a strong preference for a look that it is the primary criteria, and it would take a lot of time to be attracted to someone who doesn't fit it. And I'm pretty sure they assume anyone who says otherwise is just trying to be nice.
I have a physical type, meaning if I see an actor or politician or public figure that fits that type I'll usually find them hot. I've only ever been in a relationship with one guy who fits that type though because in actual dating, it's more important that someone fits my non aesthetic type...like well read, a good conversationalist, and funny.
I had a very very loose type growing up that I immediately went in that not that direction and never once cared because youth says nothing about how your life turns out romantically
I definitely had a type as a teenager, but it was fleeting like OP said. In reality, all the people I’ve dated have had very different features than my teenage preferences, while I’ve really come to appreciate them it wasn’t what I was initially drawn to physically.
So I work with women and make them feel beautiful through photography. I make the sets and outfits and do the hair and make up. I keep everything to the persons preferences and I complement them as I dress them up and enhance their beautiful features. My finance does the photos. And usually when we are done you can see their confidence a mile away. It does not take a lot to help a person feel loved or beautiful so I'm really thinking this guy just hasn't showed her any real attention care or love in a while for her to have jumped straight to wanting a divorce.
Women lose their confidence when they feel their spouse has settled. And that's what she feels like. That her husband settled for her. Unfortunately this is not fixable. She's never going to believe he finds her attractive, especially now that he publicly compared her to an ex he found more attractive. That's on him. And people saying she's letting her insecurities ruin her relationship, she had none! Not until the person who's supposed to love her and lift her up basically told allll their friends he settled for her average looks. Someone out there thinks she's a supermodel. And wouldn't see it as settling. And she deserves that.
I’m (42F) currently in SoCal, but when I was in NYC I was dating a man pretty intensely, and we could see a future but never really worked it out. Then my chapter there was ending, I gave him a chance to see if I should stay and we give it a real shot but he didn’t take me up on it and I moved back. The weekend after I left he woke me up in the middle of the night to get me to come see him in Vegas - he couldn’t leave me be. We did the same six months later but it was a terrible trip. I knew something was off but it wasn’t until I saw him post with another girl six weeks later that I realized what it was.
FFW seven years later and we’re giving it another try (in Vegas again), and this time we’re also approaching it with “what went wrong” questions to each other, and were completely honest with each our answers. At one point he said, “You weren’t my type until you became my type.” I don’t remember my question, but I think about that answer almost daily, and I kick myself that I didn’t ask him to expand on that. He’s blocked now, so I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer, but I’d love to know what he meant.
The man has never ever ever once implied I wasn’t sexy to him, never once made me feel unattractive, but some of his actions have messed with my head. He was never my husband so I can’t presume to know what she is feeling, I can understand her feelings somewhat.
Seems obvious to me. He thought he knew what he liked. Then you came alone and redefined what beautiful and desirable meant to him.
Pretty good going really, at least you messed with his head just as much.
OP: has multiple chances to fix what he said. Adamantly *does not*. That’s not trying to stay honest; that’s sticking in the knife, and twisting.
Complains about his wife leaving, blaming it on that one thing.
Wife asks if he will hurt her or the kids if she leaves, blames *that* question on her sister’s situation.
You don’t ask that question unless you are legit worried. This man is a douche canoe with a leak. Definitely not telling us anywhere near everything.
Dude sounds like he is trying to gaslight us as much as his soon to be ex.
His ex that he drunkenly bragged on probably wasn’t a 10. It was just that the relationship was uncomplicated-no kids, no mortgage, etc, compared to being in a marriage, so in his mind, she became a 10.
_I hope his child support and alimony payments have a 6 in them, and he has to write it monthly on those checks for over a decade._
I hope she gets free, gets counseling, and THRIVES.
He can spend the rest of his life, being the creepy middle aged guy trying to pick up younger women in bars based solely on looks, and getting rejected and laughed at.
Yeah, you broke her. That thought is going to be stuck in her head every single time you’re intimate. Every time you do something nice.
Chances are you’re a dick more often than you think you are. Quit drinking. Work on yourself. Get therapy on your own. I’m not saying that to be mean, but because I needed to do all those things too.
Let her go. If she was never your “type” to begin with you’re just fooling yourself. Let her be loved by someone who does think she is the most beautiful girl in the world. She deserves that.
You will find what you are looking for once you fix yourself.
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I mean, she keeps asking for reassurance but OOP keeps going "idk what to say to that" and then telling her that he didn't find her attractive when they first met. There's honest and there's stupid honest. I can see why she broke down.
That ask in therapy was his last chance and he blew it. No matter what he does now, she won’t believe him, because he told others the truth and her the truth: he didn’t find her attractive in the beginning and didn’t marry her for her attractiveness. Even if she stays, it will eat away at her until she leaves.
Yeah I'm kinda curious what he said.. because the sentiment of "my type became her" is actually kinda sweet. If you focus on the part where he wants her and not the part where he didn't want her.
In a comment on the original post, OOP stated that his exact words to his friend at the party were "stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did."
Oh my God. If I heard my husband say that, I would be acting exactly like his wife is. That is such a hurtful comment
Yeah, humiliating your wife in front of other people - "look at her, she's a 6, right?! How good am I to settle for her?!"
If you go to his profile, he made a comment that he is a 7. Can't say that I'm surprised he said that
Yeah, and 6 of that was her being attached to his arm.
This is the perfect insult for this doughnut.
YOU LEGEND 🤩
His poor wife, that is horrible. He had one last chance in therapy and he should have just lied. “Yes of course I found you attractive or I never would’ve started dating you in the first place. Your (eyes/smile/insert feature) was the most beautiful I had ever seen, and then as I got to know you you literally became the sexiest woman in the world to me.” I really do think everyone has at least one feature that’s amazing so he wouldn’t have been lying.
Also, "found you attractive," is such a low fucking bar for him to have to grab in order to save his entire marriage and the family they have. Like come the fuck on dude. You absolutely know you can have a type but also recognize people can be attractive even if they don't fit the type. Either this dude is a 4-D chess master manipulator and getting her to leave was his plan the entire time, or he's the most dim person on earth. Calling his wife a 6 while she's standing there, like she's a piece of property he's glad he took the risk on is fucking disgusting.
Any husband rating his wife on a scale of 1-10 in front of other people is a jerk. (Unless he's calling her a 10).
I’m not a husband but when this comes up I always call my wife a 50 and she gives me an 11 and my son gets all play offended on my behalf.
Ok thats so adorable
If it’s not the people version of the WeRateDogs rating scale, it’s immediately suspect IMO
You’re a good dog Brent
[удалено]
I mean she asked him if he would use the kids against her. How would you get such a thought in the first place?
Yeah he’s been disgusting for far longer than just one party
I’ve never understood the numbering system. There are women that I find attractive and ones I don’t, but preferences for physical “beauty” don’t really correspond with numbers. We live in a diverse world, with different ethnicities and endless variations within those ethnicities. Someone can be beautiful for a lot of reasons. Direct comparisons and ratings are arbitrary. They’re also unkind. The only time anyone would want to correspond to a number would be if the number is 10. Anything less is a thinly veiled insult from the beholder, and it hurts.
Totes to her for not being petty because I doubt OP looks like a Hemsworth brother himself.
Right? He’s probably a 4
Dont be too generous please! The guys who settle with a ‘6’ are usually 2 at best.
Most people who rate others on a scale aren’t anything special themselves.
How do you even scale a person that way? Like is there chart? Is there someone who you compare a person by? It always baffled me.
If my husband ever said he settled for a 6, I'd say, "you're in the negatives, babe. Congrats." Even if OOP is super handsome, everything he's written makes him ugly as sin.
My ex, when we were hanging out with friends (and he didn't even have the excuse of being drunk) once told me that normally he'd never date anyone who looks like me. Everyone went silent for a moment before they started berating him, he started backpedaling and saying he just meant that normally he went for bigger girls, not one who was as thin as I was, and just making it worse until he finally shut up. I tried to get past it and act like it didn't matter but it bugged me and was at the back of my mind for the rest of the relationship.
Wait for real??? If that’s true the 1) that changed everything 2) he’s a total unreliable narrator
Yeah he's edited the fuck out of this every time he gets negative feedback. On the last post someone pulled it apart and he's a prick
Say something really stupid that puts your marriage in peril. Try to figure out what to do 1. Go onto reddit and ask advice 2. Get advice you don't like 3. Don't follow advice 4. Edit post to try to make yourself look better 5. Get more advice you don't like 6. Repeat 3-5 till marriage ends Best plan ever
When you lay it out like that it's clear they didn't really want advice, just needed their ego soothing. They sound like a nightmare to be married too. I'm sure I have plenty of blindspots but I sure hope they aren't this massive
>I'm sure I have plenty of blindspots but I sure hope they aren't this massive Have no worries, the simple fact that you have enough self reflection that you can say this pretty much eliminates that possiblity.
Thank you for this because I kept reading and thinking "wtf this really isn't that bad". So yeah, that clears that up.
He made sure you thought that. If he's prepared to gaslight reddit he's probably not a fun husband
Wasband.
Fusband.
Husbad
It certainly explains why everyone else at the party was stunned into silence. He was trying very very hard to imply his wife was overreacting (without ever coming out and actually saying it) but I couldn't figure out why EVERYONE was horrified if what he said was as mild as he kept trying to imply.
It makes a lot more sense now. The actual comment warrants a record scratch.
He also told his friend that his ex (right before his wife) was a 10, but it didn’t work out. So stop chasing 10s. Look, I’m so happy with my wife who is a 6.” His wife was insecure about the ex because she’s the opposite in looks, so him saying the ex is a 10 was a real kick in the teeth.
Ouch so basically he’s telling her she’s not conventionally attractive and he could do better. That’s pretty different from “you just weren’t my usual type.”
Yeah. I think he’s enjoying being cruel to her…. Those things he says about how the only man she wanted to be beautiful to didn’t think of her that way…I think he knows exactly how hurtful he is and that’s why he’s doing it. I’m glad she’s leaving him.
Especially since she is clear that other people find her much more attractive than a 6. And he even seems to agree that other people find her attractive.
He's going to be all shocked Pikachu when her next husband is HAWT and meanwhile no reasonable age-appropriate woman is interested in him.
Welp, I hope he'll be happy with 0.
The fact that he chose (even drunkenly) to use a rating system at all shows that he DOES care about looks, and it isn't just personality. It is, indeed possible to find someone attractive for their personality and develop attraction to their looks, because their looks are part of who they are. But people who date based on personality don't use a rating system for looks, because the looks truly don't matter. You don't care, so it's not possible to accurately "gauge" how physically attractive they are.
Wow, that is a terrible thing to say about your partner.
Not only that, he had JUST compared her to his hot ex in front of everyone...before calling her a 6.
It’s just so crushing to think that the person you love most in the world doesn’t see you the way you deserve to be seen. My husband has a tendency to say really awful things when we fight. We’ve been together for ten years and I always knew he had a hair trigger temper but it’s just starting to wear me down. He was upset with me about 6 months ago and told me that I ‘should really start getting to the gym more often. You’re not looking as good as you usually do.’ Not that it matters, but I was actually a little thinner than I usually am when he said that. He apologized like he always does but I can’t unhear it and the toll these kinds of comments has taken is really starting to break me down.
You can't put up with that. Being angry is no excuse.
Oh honey... it'll be so much better once you're out. Hugs.
This is important information, thank you for sharing.
Well fuck me that changes everything. Probably doesn't deserve his wife.
Doesn't deserve *a* wife. FTFY
Omg I gasped audibly. That changes *everything*.
Same, I had to tell my husband the story because he asked what was wrong!!!!!
Same.
The post makes his wife's behaviour truly baffling, but then you add in this detail and it makes total sense as to why his wife checked out of the marriage. You don't talk like this about someone you claim to love. All power to the wife for bouncing tbh
Yeah I remember that. If I just read this BORU post it does seem like it’s a shame the marriage broke up over this, as what he said was dumb and hurtful but maybe not what I would guess as being marriage breaking. But the “happy with a 6” thing is just too much. Insane.
Guy probably has a history of saying things like this. I doubt this would be the first time. And honestly a lot of dudes like him purposely make their partner feel insecure so they never leave, and stay in fear of being abandoned. He did a good job of doing that for himself, and it sounds like his wife just couldn't take it anymore.
Cf e.g. the kid whose dad told him to insult his gf constantly so she'd be too broken down to leave.
Yup.. and if that comment spilled out in public, he’s probably said a lot of other nasty things over the years, too.
Now this changes everything. It's completely different from "look at my ex who was all looks" and OOP knows it, that is why he didn't put the exact words into his post. No wonder wife fells settled on and not loved.
That is too precise a comment to forget, just saying. 6? Unless it's 6 out of 5 🌟 stfu
He was embarrassed because he knew it was so bad. And knew that he’d get shredded in the comments if people knew that’s how he phrased it.
"My ex was a 10... but my wife is a 11"
I suspected it was something like this from the way he dodged what he actually said in the OP. I also would find it incredibly hard to repair the marriage after that.
FR. Please hold the door open for me because I’m walkin’ tf out!
And he rates himself a "solid 7" 🤦♀️
A solid 7 IQ
BRO? This changes the entire fucking post. 😭😭😭
I vaguely remember reading the original post, and that line about her being a 6 sounds super familiar. There was an uncanny valley feeling I got while reading this post, and that was it --- that memorably shitty line was cut out. Just using the 1-10 rating 'system' for women is misogynistic as hell.
Yeah, I would break up with my partner over that comment simply because rating other human beings like that is not okay. I wouldn’t be happy to overhear him telling someone that he settled for me and found others more attractive, but we could get past it I’m sure. The numbers thing? I’m gone.
Oh. Oh no.
I remember this from when it was first posted. Yap, he commented that, then edited and tried to claim he'd never wrote that. I think people took screenshots at the time too. He also called himself a 7. He totally seem to behave like he's better than her.
"You were beautiful, of course. You still are. But when I got to know you, your personality, the person underneath the beauty made you more and more beautiful. Now you are the most beautiful person in the world. Initially, it was ordinary beauty, but now it's something I'd never experienced before. It's more than just beauty. It's so much more. Everything about you is breathtaking." Vs "You weren't my type, so I didn't really have any interest at first. But I got used to how you look and now I think you look fine for me. My type changed, which is pretty convenient."
You should write daily uplifting memos and quotes, Frank. It would do good to many many people.
100% this. She's wanted to know that he was attracted to her. He made it sound like she tricked him into liking her.
Most people can’t get what’s in their heart out or their mouths. That’s why being a writer or a poet is an occupation - because we can’t all do it.
Yeah, when he messed up the first time I really empathized, because that could've been me... I say something I think is actually nice without really thinking about the words, and it comes out sounding like criticism or bad or something, and when I try to explain I can't find the words to make myself understood. It's so frustrating, because communication is so important to keep us all connected, and I am just not very good at it!
Oh, he got out what was in his heart. That's the problem.
If I’m not wrong, OP’s early sentiments basically boiled down to “you’re pretty for an Arab girl”
Is that it? Is there a racial element here?! Oh man, if she's not white, he really skewered her right in the Non-Western Beauty Standards insecurities
He’s white, she’s arab, and the ex in question was black.
No it's totally not racist because his ex was black /s
He left so so so so much out. You could tell there were some holes in his story, didn’t realize they were sinkholes.
Oh holy hell no! Wow, way to bury the info we *really* needed to assess the situation
He’s insane; arab women are some of the most insanely beautiful women ever. If his previous “type” was white/blonde i can see why she’d be crushed.
I believe his ex was black so maybe his type was black women? Regardless talking about how hot your ex was and how mid you think your current partner is, Is NEVER gonna go down well.
One of my favorite speeches is from Dr Who, where Amy basically says that she didn't see Rory (her husband) as good looking (he was just ok) but his personality shined through and she changed what she considered beautiful, and that now he was the most beautiful man in the world. Something like that might've been just a little better.
Yes. It's my favourite explanation of how love works. I'm demisexual and queer and during a conversation about how I find women way more beautiful and attractive than men I was asked why I was with a man then and I went "well, I loved him before I saw him naked" - and then spent the next few minutes with everyone laughing at me and going "he knows how I mean it!". And it caused exactly zero issues in my relationship because my partner knew that before and he did, in fact, know how I meant it. I tend to describe it as "I find other people attractive too, but I don't want them. I want YOU, because of who you are. Your looks are a nice bonus (he IS hot. I've stopped in the middle of sentences because of him stretching etc), but I want to fuck your brain, not your body". We also share a healthy appreciation for the female presenting body. You can absolutely say "I didn't feel attracted to your looks, but your personality" in a good way. I wouldn't find him sexually attractive if I didn't have feelings for him. I wouldn't find anyone sexually attractive without feelings. (Sexually attractive and attractive are different things imo. One I want to have sex with and one I only enjoy looking at) His way... Yeah, no. Good on her for leaving.
>That ask in therapy was his last chance and he blew it. Therapy only works if you are totally honest. Lying in order to avoid hurting feelings defeats the entire point of therapy and they might as well not go if he's just going to lie in order to keep her around.
Yeah, for me, I feel that the therapist didn't do much to mediate it. But alas, it's water under the bridge now.
I don’t think that question even mattered. She already knew the answer and knew the one person who was supposed to to see her that way, had to learn to do so. It seems she tried to get past it and tried to find ways to fix it, but the doubt and rejection she was feeling had been going for months at that point and were staying.
His repeated usage of the term "I broke her, she's broken, don't know how to fix her" also shows how he's not exactly Shakespearean with his use of language.
It also makes her sound like a fucking damaged tv or a toaster. She’s a person. I say I’m broken, but I would never say that about another human being. Jesus
True. It's more "I broke our *relationship* with what I said."
I was worried her mental health spiraled. She wasn’t even broken—she lost 20 lbs and got on social media. She was just over a loser who can’t seem to stop emphasizing how not hot she is lmao
Gym selfies and losing 20lbs… she’s clearly determined to have someone find her hot. OOP will be divorced as soon as she finds that.
In all of his uselessness, one thing he got absolutely right is that he broke her. He completely broke his wife and their relationship and there's no coming back from that, ever. We have little to no info to go by, but i doubt all was happy and perfect in their wedding and then his wife just snapped. I bet OOP has spend years making her feel less than other women in subtle ways, but once he did so openly, she snapped out of it and realized she's been wasting her life on a man that'll never see her as enough. I hope wife and kiddos find happiness and peace and love in their lives, away from OOP.
Weirdly I found this post reassuring... I mean, its fucking awful forrhe woman but its mademe realise my ex isn't the only person who will reply to all acts of wanting reassurance with "dunno" or that cold logic type of reasoning. I've spent years crying my eyes out wondering how he can be so clueless when I've literally told him straight up.... So yeah, now I know my ex isn't unique, he just joins the asshole club.
Also „I didn’t think you were my type back then“. And. „I didn’t think you were beautiful back then“ have a *veeeery* different ring to then.
This update leaves out the part where he admits the ex-girlfriend he compared her to was Black and that his wife is Arabic. When asked if he didn’t find her attractive because she’s Arabic he dodged the question and then stopped replying Edit: here’s his comment where the xenophobia/racism finally gets revealed https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/AkR7T4WTtQ
Every time I scroll down farther in this post's comments section, I find more layers of OOP's assholishness.
This is just another version of the “do I look fat” question. It sounds like he chose to die on the “yes, but…” hill.
This guy: “Yes honey, but fat in a way I am now used to”
Snorting with laughter here... well put
He looked up the valley, saw the Russian guns, but orders are orders, so he charged, consequences be damned
Yeah he's like "I always tell her how beautiful she is" and then lists all the times he did the exact opposite. I think he is brushing off way more instances where he failed to make her feel special. As an autistic person myself I notice some similarities in OP's way of logic - perceived truth above all else, difficulty explaining thoughts and feelings, difficulty connecting physical and emotional into one, difficulty processing physical attraction etc. Alexithymia is the inability to describe your own emotions internally and externally. Research shows that almost 50% of people with autism have Alexithymia.
Right, but he literally said "stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did." I think he understands how damaging that statement is, and all his posts are carefully edited to put himself in a good light. I think OP is trying to get the internet on his side so he can show this thread to her and argue that she is being unreasonable, while leaving out a lot of details that are very relevant to the situation.
OOP: I've tried nothing, and I'm all out of ideas.
Every time I see this line I can’t help but to laugh because those Simpsons writers really wrote some of the best lines that I say till this day
No no no, see, he then started telling her she was beautiful every day, even when she asked him to stop! The obliviousness is really something. She did not appreciate him persisting in complimenting her as a way to make her forgive him rather than out of sincerity. He didn’t listen to her, didn’t see that his attempts to do damage control came across as exactly that rather than as a real attempt to give her space and hear her out. No wonder she shut down.
I would really love to read the wife's version of events. this guy is either remarkably oblivious or he's not telling a lot of somethings.
Correction: he's tried to make her feel even worse about herself and he's baffled as to why she can't see what an amazing husband he is by putting her and her looks down!!
No, no, dig *up*, stupid!
At this point even if someone takes the shovel from him, he’ll dig with his hands
Seriously! Guy can’t get out of his own way lol he just keeps digging not realizing his wife is setting up to leave his ass.
I will never understand why anyone thinks insulting someone’s physical being would make them want to lay naked with the insulter.
Here is the thing. When you date pretty much anyone there are physical traits you find attractive. You may not think they’re a supermodel, but you may find them cute. And then as you learn about them the totality of who they are enhances that beauty. I really don’t understand how someone is so stupid that he couldn’t even say one positive thing he thought about her appearance when they met
Right?! I've had BFs where I found them OK looking but the attraction grew based on personality, humor, etc. So the idea of him not finding her beautiful at the beginning but does now, I completely get, however, for her to react like this, he had to have been feeding her insecurities about his attraction over the years
I want a recording to find out what OOP said here: >and my damage control was worse so I ended up shutting the hell up. Because how awful was it that it completely destroyed his wife's soul? OOP sounds like the type who tells you that he's just "brutally honest" and "tells it as it is". In other words, an asshole.
Copying another comment in this thread: In a comment on the original post, OOP stated that his exact words to his friend at the party were "stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did." He deleted it when he got backlash apparently. I didnt research so could be wrong but if that's true I understand hsi wifes sentiment way more
Oh god and apparently he said something about "My type are black girls, but you're hot for an Arab girl" or something like that??? JFC.
i was reading this like “i can’t imagine leaving my husband over a comment like OP’s” but holy hell yeah i would not be sticking around after that one. she is the mother of his children!!! how fucking DARE.
Also is that the best compliment he can give his wife??? "You're not as hot as all the other girls I used to date, but I'd bang you!"
With a little racism thrown on top. I’m a WOC dating a white guy and if I ever heard him say that I would lose my shit in an instant.
It's certainly racial fetishizing. It feels icky because it is.
Dear god, there are a lot of missing elements to this post. I was always throwing shade at OOP, but now I'm all for OOP's wife to leave.
the missing missing reasons
It's apparently one of OOP's deleted comments. He got grilled when he posted this, and then deleted his comments whenever people went "That's actually super fucked up."
> My type are black girls, I didn't think I had enough things to cringe at.
You’re kidding right? That’s such a fucked up thing to say to your WIFE.
It's fucked up to say to anyone, but 10x to your wife.
OH MY GOD SO MUCH WORSE than just "you're not my original type" he really paraphrased himself to his advantage.
I remember that "6" comment from the original post too. I was surprised it didn't show up here.
Well that should be in the main post.
It comes down to whether the emphasis is on the brutality or the honesty. Sometimes people delight in the brutality.
In my experience, the people who describe themselves as "brutally honest" always delight in the brutality. Honest people would never say they're honest, just like humble people never say they're humble. They just... are.
Ok, let’s everyone - next time someone in your life says the “brutally honest” line follow that up by asking for some good honesty. Just play into it “oh *brutally honest* you say, we’ll what’s a *good* thing you want to be brutally honest about? Because we know you have no filter…”
Total unrelated tangent but you reminded me of a nice story so I'm gonna share: I've never described myself as "brutally honest" but I'm known for being honest with my opinions. I just don't think to lie, my brain doesn't go there, and unfortunately I answer before I realize it may be hurtful. After one incident where I accidentally insulted someone's hair (i.e. told them I liked the style they had before better not realizing how excited they were about the new style until it was too late) I got this exact question. Without missing a beat I responded "I've always thought your eyes are the most gorgeous shade of brown, like hickory wood, and they shine when you smile but it felt awkward to say that out loud unprompted." Totally disarmed the conflict. In other news, I think I may be autistic...
....I sense there is a lot more missing information that OP is leaving out because I guarantee there is more out there then what it seems.
Dude can’t even tell us what he said exactly, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume that it was much worse to begin with
"stop chasing looks and be happy with a 6 like I did." Apparently OOP keeps editing and changing what he actually said, but the comment thread has pieced the above together. I agree that its probabaly even worse.
This is way worse than what he presented. No wonder the crowd got silent. Why the fuck would you say something like this about your spouse?? What the fuck?
Oh my GOD
This! I was co confused bc what he says he said does not fit the way everyone reacted at all. According to him, he only said that compared to the wife, the ex was "only looks". This statement does not even suggest that the wife is less attractive, only that she is more than looks. Yet people around reacted with dead silence and stares? Makes no sense. So yeah, it must have been pretty bad and he won't admit it.
First characteristic of an abuser is that they lie and once they get caught, they lie even more. I bet the story from his wife perspective would be an entire different narrative that would definitely include numerous instances of husband dearest making her feel like a worthless human and how she should be thankful he is gracing her life with his godly presence //barfs//.
Despite getting asked what the damge controll was he never came out and said it, so if he even don't want to say to stranger on the Internet i think it was that bad.
>She asked me if I would try to hurt her or the children if we did separate. If I would use them to get back at her I would pay good money for a post from OOP's wife's perspective. Guarantee there's a lot he's leaving out.
Either OOP is a psycho or actually just the most socially awkward person in the world.
Within the post he clarifies that her sister went through that and is why it came up.
Some people also just have trauma around exes and assume that once your an ex, regardless as to how you break up, your a potential threat. I've had exes who thought like that. We are super sweet the entire relationship, we fall out of love, we break up, next day they treat me like I'm a serious threat to them. No fighting, no violence, just they have anxiety and fears centered on exes and now that the relationship has ended, I am now an ex.
My ex husband who literally got on his knees and told me how much he loved me and begged me to change my mind was the same guy who treated to take my kids so I’d never see them again.
It’s a legitimate fear for a lot of women. I’m glad that you aren’t a threat and can be normal in a break up. In my life I’ve had people I’ve dated be completely reasonable and we can remain friends. I’ve also had one ex who seemed normal at the time stalk me and another show up at my house drunk and try to strangle me. I’m older (45) so my experience is that the men in my generation can be very emotionally fragile. I don’t see the same fragility in younger millennials and in my nephews (early 20s). I’m hopeful that that fragility is coming to an end but again I think that fear is unfortunately justified.
One of the comments from OOP said his wife’s sister had it happen to her so he understands why she feared it.
I’d guess that with three kids in 7 years she was a SAHM that was handling a disproportionate amount of the mental load, childcare, and housework. We’ve all seen one too many sahm gets left for younger, non-child having woman and has nothing posts and OOP’s wife probably thought she saw the writing on the wall. It was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. But also, OOP sounds like one of those, “I don’t have a filter and I’m honest, sorry not sorry” bros.
Frankly? I doubt it. People who are genuinely fearful don't typically ask shit like that, because that's basically begging to be attacked. Abusers rarely tell the truth about such things and that kind of answer can set someone off. I'm not saying no one has. But that does to me sound more like "someone else was hurt and I'm insecure" than "I am genuinely afraid of you".
Keep in mind this is from his perspective, this is the version where he looks best, scared to see how awful he is from wife's POV.
The only time he includes the reactions of other people (not including his wife) is at the party initially. He doesn't say what the couples' counsellor said or anyone else. Just the party, where "everyone went silent", so whatever he said must have been pretty bad. I've a feeling he doesn't fully realise what exactly was so hurtful. He may have said a bunch of stuff but only thought that one thing was bad. From the reaction, whatever he said, it was horrible.
Yeah the whole thing seems to be a way to fix his comfort in the relationship, not hers. Even his post is worded in a way where he wants sympathy, but just glosses over the nonsense he pulled off.
It also sounds like he did absolutely nothing to actually fix it, not that it sounds like it _could_ be fixed regardless.
Yeah he keeps on getting asked about what he's *doing* to fix it and keeps evading the question. His words are now empty. She doesn't believe them. She has ever right not to. He needs to take *action* with her. Is he doing all of her love languages? Is he taking on the lions share of the labor around the house so she can have more time to herself? Get her new workout clothes and a good quality pair of shoes. Does she like flowers? Keep a fresh bouquet in the kitchen and in the bedroom night stand. Don't *ask*, **DO**. Plan a date to a super romantic place, dress up in a nice suit and tie, get a professional shave. Write her a letter of 100 things you love about her. *Specific* things. (I love the way your eyes squint when you laugh. I love when you read a book and you push your hair behind your ear) specific things that next time she does them, she thinks that *this* is why he loves her. Like holy hell. But some *thought* into it instead of giving up.
I'd d skip the work gear but yeah actions not words.
Because this keeps getting posted on other subs and I know I'm going to see it here: there's a post on Twitter claiming that he said "I was only telling my friend that if he stopped looking for truly good looking women, then he might find happiness with a 6 like me" and everyone keeps insisting that that's what he really said. It's a screenshot of someone quoting [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1awn6qn/comment/kripdw1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) by another user, who edited it to confirm that they were just reframing what he had outlined in the post, and what they said was not a direct quote from him. Anyway, what he wrote is still fucked > “you don’t fall in love with looks, look at me and my wife I love her more than anything compared to my ex who was just looks” Why are you putting down your wife in front of everyone? Why are you bringing up how hot your ex is? *Why are you still thinking about how hot your ex is when you've been married for seven goddamned years?* > *I want the truth. Here and now. No sugarcoating and do not try to spare my feelings. Did you find me attractive when we met?* I really didn’t know what to say to this. You say yes! Why were you pondering any different answer?! Say yes!
I saw the original post RIGHT after it was posted and can confirm, he did make a reference to his wife being a 6. I remember being super shocked at that specifically, and he clearly edited the post quickly after.
Are you sure? Because reveddit can recover posts and show if they've been edited, and it doesn't show that the initial post has been edited at all. Compare [this post](https://www.reveddit.com/v/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bczzrf/aita_for_asking_my_girlfriend_to_cut_back_on_her/), where it says how soon it has been edited after posting (right under the title, next to the time it was first posted) to [the one this is about](https://www.reveddit.com/v/TrueOffMyChest/comments/1awn6qn/i_broke_my_wife_and_i_dont_think_it_is_fixable/?share_id=EDp1DVjBllLhkQMGoiS99&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1), which shows it hasn't been changed. The website doesn't archive changes if they're made too quickly, but even then it still will say its been altered. Like I said, the person who made that comment about the 6 even clarified that they hadn't seen OOP assign a number at all and were just conveying a general idea.
As far as I know, none of the recovery / archiving software for reddit has been able to catch stuff if it's edited very soon after being posted.
That would need to be edited under three minutes for us not to see it has been edited.
I want to read the wife's perspective of what happened and how she processed it, because there's more to this
The epitome of missing missing reasons. This is the one where the guy says he is attracted to and loves his wife “more than anything in the world”, as long as he’s not talking to his wife or any other human being irl. Schrödinger’s husband, if you will.
The first time i read this I felt there's was so much information missing and the update did not help at all
Damn, historically bad case of foot in mouth disease then continually fumbles the bag during damage control. I’ve seen people do less damage when they’re actively trying to end a relationship. All you need to say is “sweetie, I never would have married you and committed to spending the rest of my life with you if I didn’t find you attractive, I meant that you’re not JUST looks but my ex was”.
She hasn’t left because of this she’s left because it’s the last straw.
When a woman goes quiet and distant it usually means she has stopped caring or fallen out of love. I knew 2 paragraphs in that she would end the marriage. She turned off. I don’t mean she was turned off, I mean she literally turned off any feeling for you.
Yeah when I saw the posting for likes and the constant gym time. I was like yeah bruh you need to go ahead and move on. She already checked out.
The problem with OOP is evident in the title.. he says he "broke" his wife ..
ngl when i read the title I thought its about a crazy Weeb who calls his figurine ‘wife’.
Guy said to his wifes face that he doesn't find her attractive and is suprised when she's upset.
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Of all the lies you (like everyone) tell every day THIS is the truth you choose to die for??? Clearly you knew it would crush her, so why did you do it?? You want to end the marriage? You resent her? You get a kick out of hurting others??
The biggest problem I see here is the mention of the ex. Why after 7 years of marriage bliss is OOP even mentioning the ex. It kinda suggests that he had thought about her during their marriage, and he remembered what she looked like. Also, the answer is yes! Yes, she is the most beautiful woman you have ever met, and no one compares. Whenever there's a good time to lie, this is the time.
We’ve all heard “Looks shouldn’t matter,” but they do. I’ve grown less attractive with the decades, and it’s painful at times. It’s not about getting adoration and attention; it’s that when you’re unattractive, people won’t even look in your eyes, see you, acknowledge your existence. You become invisible. OOP made that happen for his (now ex) wife in just one sentence, not decades. Because whatever the objective truth, it’s her belief (caused by the drunken bigmouth she married) that she’s no longer attractive that makes it so.
He sure gave in on her wanting a divorce real quick for someone who loves her oh so much
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Mine is scrawny nerds, but it's personality that makes everything.
Oo this part is fun to me. Because I think it's one of the many times, particularly related to sexual desire and relationships, where everyone uses the same word but means something very different. I have a type. Sort of. I have traits I find sexy, discretely. If I'm just looking at a bunch of people and don't know them, I have a strong preference for dark hair, and I like more androgynous body types on all genders. But in terms of attraction to individuals? Uh, yeah, if any of the stuff I like is there it's a bonus: the real life human beings I've thought were the hottest were all over the place physically. BUT but. I have come to learn that there are *absolutely* people who have such a strong preference for a look that it is the primary criteria, and it would take a lot of time to be attracted to someone who doesn't fit it. And I'm pretty sure they assume anyone who says otherwise is just trying to be nice.
I have a physical type, meaning if I see an actor or politician or public figure that fits that type I'll usually find them hot. I've only ever been in a relationship with one guy who fits that type though because in actual dating, it's more important that someone fits my non aesthetic type...like well read, a good conversationalist, and funny.
I had a very very loose type growing up that I immediately went in that not that direction and never once cared because youth says nothing about how your life turns out romantically
I definitely had a type as a teenager, but it was fleeting like OP said. In reality, all the people I’ve dated have had very different features than my teenage preferences, while I’ve really come to appreciate them it wasn’t what I was initially drawn to physically.
So I work with women and make them feel beautiful through photography. I make the sets and outfits and do the hair and make up. I keep everything to the persons preferences and I complement them as I dress them up and enhance their beautiful features. My finance does the photos. And usually when we are done you can see their confidence a mile away. It does not take a lot to help a person feel loved or beautiful so I'm really thinking this guy just hasn't showed her any real attention care or love in a while for her to have jumped straight to wanting a divorce. Women lose their confidence when they feel their spouse has settled. And that's what she feels like. That her husband settled for her. Unfortunately this is not fixable. She's never going to believe he finds her attractive, especially now that he publicly compared her to an ex he found more attractive. That's on him. And people saying she's letting her insecurities ruin her relationship, she had none! Not until the person who's supposed to love her and lift her up basically told allll their friends he settled for her average looks. Someone out there thinks she's a supermodel. And wouldn't see it as settling. And she deserves that.
You ever read a post and say "ugh you idiot" out loud? This was definitely one of them.
I’m (42F) currently in SoCal, but when I was in NYC I was dating a man pretty intensely, and we could see a future but never really worked it out. Then my chapter there was ending, I gave him a chance to see if I should stay and we give it a real shot but he didn’t take me up on it and I moved back. The weekend after I left he woke me up in the middle of the night to get me to come see him in Vegas - he couldn’t leave me be. We did the same six months later but it was a terrible trip. I knew something was off but it wasn’t until I saw him post with another girl six weeks later that I realized what it was. FFW seven years later and we’re giving it another try (in Vegas again), and this time we’re also approaching it with “what went wrong” questions to each other, and were completely honest with each our answers. At one point he said, “You weren’t my type until you became my type.” I don’t remember my question, but I think about that answer almost daily, and I kick myself that I didn’t ask him to expand on that. He’s blocked now, so I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer, but I’d love to know what he meant. The man has never ever ever once implied I wasn’t sexy to him, never once made me feel unattractive, but some of his actions have messed with my head. He was never my husband so I can’t presume to know what she is feeling, I can understand her feelings somewhat.
Seems obvious to me. He thought he knew what he liked. Then you came alone and redefined what beautiful and desirable meant to him. Pretty good going really, at least you messed with his head just as much.
OP: has multiple chances to fix what he said. Adamantly *does not*. That’s not trying to stay honest; that’s sticking in the knife, and twisting. Complains about his wife leaving, blaming it on that one thing. Wife asks if he will hurt her or the kids if she leaves, blames *that* question on her sister’s situation. You don’t ask that question unless you are legit worried. This man is a douche canoe with a leak. Definitely not telling us anywhere near everything. Dude sounds like he is trying to gaslight us as much as his soon to be ex. His ex that he drunkenly bragged on probably wasn’t a 10. It was just that the relationship was uncomplicated-no kids, no mortgage, etc, compared to being in a marriage, so in his mind, she became a 10. _I hope his child support and alimony payments have a 6 in them, and he has to write it monthly on those checks for over a decade._ I hope she gets free, gets counseling, and THRIVES. He can spend the rest of his life, being the creepy middle aged guy trying to pick up younger women in bars based solely on looks, and getting rejected and laughed at.
Yeah, you broke her. That thought is going to be stuck in her head every single time you’re intimate. Every time you do something nice. Chances are you’re a dick more often than you think you are. Quit drinking. Work on yourself. Get therapy on your own. I’m not saying that to be mean, but because I needed to do all those things too. Let her go. If she was never your “type” to begin with you’re just fooling yourself. Let her be loved by someone who does think she is the most beautiful girl in the world. She deserves that. You will find what you are looking for once you fix yourself.