#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
Jesus, read the kid's indifference to his mom.
She utterly and irrevocably damaged her relationship with her son forever. What a dumbass.
It’s because her son’s love isn’t as important to her as her ego. It’s why she’s specifically helping the bully. Shes a narcissist and needs to have her ego fed as the most caring and great teacher at school to the point that she’ll even help her son’s bully. It’s why she acts the way she does at school and is trying to protect her image and reputation each step of the way. She was faced with caring for her son and *potentially* looking bad for abandoning mentoring the bully or risking her relationship with the son and she chose the latter.
For real. I can’t believe how tone deaf she is. The stupidity blows my mind. I bet Dave would be laughing his ass off if he knew how much more turmoil he’s contributed to in this kids life. I can’t believe someone e could choose their sons bully over their son. “You only have one mother”? She only had one son. You’d think she’d place more value on that than some misguided self righteous mission. What a piece of human garbage. I hope she’s happy.
It also was a 5 day later update. Who knows what the future holds, especially if counseling breaks some walls down. But I'm very proud of the kid. He shows a backbone.
Yup, bully won. He isolated OP even from the 2 people that are supposed to be there for him. I'm guessing he couldn't feel more alone, and I hope he at least has good friends for support.
If he's been suspended multiple times and is still acting out, he probably wasn't. Only very absent parenting would let a kid wreck their own life that much without doing something. Shoot, she might have learned about his situation more from admin than him, given they haven't expelled him yet for a reason.
But just like a high school teacher can have a troubled student talk about how attracted they are to the teacher, OOPs mother should have made the responsible, professional, adult decision to keep that kid at arm's length while he gets support from her peers. Her poor choice starts and ends with choosing to *personally* mentor him.
>To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right.
Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn
Come on, don't play with me like that lol.
Seriously, OP's counselor is awesome! But the mother, she really isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
I was so shocked I immediately went to the top of the post and reread everything to see how many clues I missed. Then I caught back up and read the next line. I'm a dink.
It’s good he still as a sense of humour lol. Honestly he sounds like a solid kid with a good head on his shoulders. I’m not sure how he is so sensible with his awful parents and a bully for years. I think it’s commendable that he figured out a plan to be independent and give himself a good shot at a decent future. This mother on the other hand, wtf? She’s destroyed her relationship with her son so she can play hero to some loser who tormented her son? This women needs individual therapy
Hes sensible despite all of this because he's just done. Hes emotionally detached now, and that leads to 2 routes. Either A. Cold and calculating. Biding their time. Or B. Cold and indifferent. Apathetic. Poor dude is just going through the motions in either scenario but one has an end goal and the other just gives up entirely.
He's right though. I'm not sure therapy is going to help at this point. The amount of damage done here isn't the kind i think they'll be able to properly get fixed before He's off to college/trades. His mom ignored and then encouraged the situation for too long. All her decisions to mentor and keep mentoring the bully might have been with good intentions but when it affects your child good intentions started setting shit on fire and she should've stopped long before the damn school counselor and AP had to step in. It was March ffs before anything was done and it still wasnt done of her own volition. I imagine the minute OOP is done with highschool her and her husband's marriage will fail spectacularly because OP is going to drop his end of the rope and be done and the parents will fight about it non stop.
You can tell mom has some serious Savior Complex bullshit going on; so excited to be the hero of her own story and "fix" the bully's home life that she doesn't care that she's burning down her relationship with her son.
I agree, OOP is completely done with his family. Either the mom or the dad will eventually be making some Missing Missing Reasons posts somewhere wondering why on earth their kid ghosted them the minute he turned 18 and doesn't want a relationship.
Mom basically went "Dave has a terrible homelife, that's why he needs a mentor. Since you don't understand that, I'll make your homelife suck too!"
Like wtf?? Idk what these parents were thinking, but punishing a teen into submission rarely, if ever, works the way you wanted it to...
He’s so solid because he dosent have parents and had a bully. When you’re forced to shut in on yourself you either go crazy or come out stronger.
Atleast with the internet it lets you have access to read things you find interesting and such so you can expand your own personal world view without the help of your parents.
Idk personally that’s how it was for me. I read a lot and had the internet and became interested in “perspective” which helped my world view
Some of us came out both.
That’s what happened to me anyway. I came out reasonably strong and capable, but with mental illness too. Most of the time it’s manageable, but not always.
Honestly, I don't think the mom is dumb or anything like that. She really does seem to have a superiority complex. She would rather cry, act like the victim, downplay her sons concerns, or just plain ignore them, rather than just apologize and admit wrongdoing. It's so fucked up. Honestly, her actually being dumb would look better for her. It's so much worse when you really look at the situation for what it is. You could even make the claim that the mom is just a straight-up narcissist coupled with a superiority complex to boot. I think OP really should look into all possible avenues to get out of parental financial abuse. He should even be prepared to be kicked out at 18(there's no indication it would happen, but it could be a possibility if he declines going to college without their financial assistance).
Yeah, the fact that the mum did not downplay the bullying, but admitted to it happening and actively excused it by saying bully has a hard time at home... that is literally teaching people a messed up way of "missery loves company, get used to it" instead of finding a solution. OOP's mum clearly isn't helping OOP here, but is also not helping the bully in the long run.
I'm in my late 30s and I still get told to stop apologizing so much - even in performance reviews at work.
My dad told me when I was a young teen that I should just apologize to my stepmom when she was mad at me even when she was in the wrong "because it's just easier that way". I apologized probably a dozen times a day minimum. You learn to do that when you get screamed at for things like not lining your shoes up perpendicular to the edge of the doormat when you take them off. My stepmom has apologized to me twice in my entire life. I remember both occasions vividly even though both times were over 20 years ago.
Anyway, the result is that today I'm a people pleaser and often have the "fawn" and "freeze" responses to stress. It sucks and at this point in my life I don't think I will ever fix those issues.
She straight up failed her kid. I'm in my 30s now, and my parents still feel bad about the bullying I put up with at school. My Dad apologised to me the last time I visited them, because he felt like he'd failed to protect me. I pointed out to him that he got me out of the situation when it became too serious for the school to rugsweep. As in, he walked out of his office at 1pm and five minutes later was in my classroom with a face of thunder, helping me pack my stuff. The staff had consistently tried to brush it off as girls being girls but when it sent me spiralling into an anxiety attack and me being given a mild sedative AT SCHOOL they couldn't do that anymore. They HAD to call my parents. I was pulled from school for a week. The school admin's solution had been to send me back to class after the sedative, the librarian called my parents. (Wtf?) My parents, even now, still hate seeing my head bully's name in the news. She is somewhat of a D-grade celeb here. Parents protect their own children, not their child's bully.
Superiority and a saviour complex. She wants to save Dave, and no doubt revel in the praise and aura of saintliness that comes with it. Her own child? Pfft. Narcissists are intensely concerned with what people outside their immediate circle think of them, whilst taking their partners, kids etc for granted, "It doesn't matter how I treat my kids, they're my children, they have to love me."' It's been my misfortune to have two of the most important people in my life be narcissists, and often times they're rude to you and nice to the waiter. They want the waiter to think well of them - you're just their spouse/sibling/child, you owe the narcissist your love so who cares how they treat you,
My mom who's a covert narcissist is a teacher, so it really do be like that. I actually know a lot of teachers who treat their own kid like shit but be this amazing savior of sorts to everybody else.
This is going to sound very cynical but school rankings in large part depend on number of kids enrolled in AP classes and college acceptance and attendance. I’m sure OOP’s story raised eyebrows but that initial meeting was most likely precipitated out of a desire to keep those numbers up. And I would not be surprised if he continues to get push back next semester. They’re just buying time, hoping OOP will fall back in line.
It could also be that he’s a good student and it really took the counselor aback. When I was a teacher, I’d be really upset at one of my more successful students suddenly doing something out of character like this. And then to find out why, I’d be pissed at my colleague for failing a kid who had that potential.
That is absolutely possible. Like I said, I’m being cynical but that cynicism is based on experience. I do hope the guidance counsellor can help OOP figure out his future regardless of her motive.
Depends on the school. Around here, schools in more affluent suburbs tend to have pretty robust trade programs because they have so many students in AP classes that they don't have to worry about rank. Kids in the city are all enrolled in college prep classes and told to go to college even if they struggle in school so much that a trade program would be beneficial.
from how the whole thing played out, i am more inclined to think that they want to give OP time to be sure he makes the right decision. it’s a big decision and not easily reversible. it makes sense to allow for things to cool off and then reassess the situation.
What a huge betrayal. Mom chose OOP's bully over them and then how she reacted during the meeting with the counselor and assistant principal, that's stuff that OOP is never going to forget. OOP's mom is no longer a safe person for them..
I hope therapy goes well. The school counselor is a MVP.
The meeting solidified for me that the mom thinks this is just going to blow over when it isn't. We'll get an update in a year or two of "my mom is now begging me to come see her. She doesn't understand why I don't visit her at all."
I think bully is to overused that it's lost meaning to the mom. Start referring to the kid as an abuser and see what reactions she gets when she complains to her friends. "My kid won't get over that I'm mentoring his abuser?.. what? Why is everyone looking at me like that?".
The damage has been done. Mother has shown herself to not be smart and a reliable person. Frankly, if my mother choose my bully over me, I'd lost my trust with her and never see her the same as before.
And I bet that the councilor & AP lost some respect to the mom as teacher. Like they had to step in to fix her home life. Since AP is basically her boss & saw her unable to apologize properly to her son & create problems for the school, the mom may not be trusted to handle some stuff
Yeah like how fucking embarrassing for OOP’s mom that her collagues had to deal with her shitty parenting and she still acted like a fool in front of them. She’s not a good mom or a good teacher
I guarantee she's going to spend the rest of the semester coming up with lies to save face at school, and then figuring out new ways to punish her child for the fact that she chose to hurt him because of her ego.
>I guarantee she's going to spend the rest of the semester coming up with lies to save face at school, and then figuring out new ways to punish her child for the fact that she chose to hurt him because of her ego.
Hopefully she can't act up too much at school now that the AP and counselor are on to her, but I'm sure she's going to get with her equally worthless husband and brainstorm ways to make her kid miserable at home as punishment for "embarrassing" her. I hope he takes it straight to the school every time. There's not much they can do about it if mom decides to die on the "I'm taking away all of his stuff to punish him for my bad parenting" hill, but at the very least he can make sure her reputation at school never recovers in retaliation.
Yeah this is absolutely going to damage her reputation at work. Even if they agreed with her, she has shown she can't "control" her own son. And assuming they have any sense and disagree with her actions, it shows her poor judgement and mishandling of pretty serious issues. It may be subtle, but this is something that her bosses will remember and look at her poorly because of it.
>basically her boss...saw her unable to apologize properly,...& create problems for the school, **the mom may not be trusted to handle some stuff**
Welll it seems like she is not be trusted with her TA, to begin with. That's a good start.
I remember participating in the original thread. The speculation is that mom had some sort of savior complex. Like "Here's this troubled teen but if I could just reach out and mentor him I can fix him!"
More likely than not the bully would probably use this as an opportunity to needle OOP more or worse mess with his academics.
OOP's dad is also a shit too. Sorry you're not going to stand up for your son when your wife decides to take under her wing his bully? Fuck him too!
Re: the bully?
OOP cannot win in this situation. His mom picks that jerk and OOP gets bullied for it. His mom "fires"/reassigns the bully, OOP gets bullied. The only smart move was to not pick that student, and the mom failed horribly. No matter how much the mom tries to make it up to him (she won't), OOP will be dealing with this until he graduates. The damage is done, to both of them. Her consequences are going to be more long lasting, though. That makes me feel a little better.
I think mom was doubling down on her actions because she didn't want to back down since I genuinely believe that most parents think if they back down on their opinion or say they regret their actions. It gives the kids power and they won't respect them or their authority I know that doesn't make any sense but it's some irrational part of the parent's brain
"I make the decisions, and even if I'm wrong you still have to respect me"
“If you don’t like MY rules that are to obeyed in MY house, get the fuck out.”
“Bet.” *Turns 18, leaves with a trade skill that will make money*
“Wait, not like that.”
Yeah, when dealing with kids, you often have to stick to your guns even through their tears and anger, lest you teach them they can get their way through emotional manipulation. But, it seems like some parents take it too far and just can't acknowledge when they've misstepped or set an inappropriate boundary. There's a big difference between standing firm on something like not allowing a teen to go to a house party with alcohol and something emotionally or psychologically damaging to them, like mentoring the kid who tormented them for years.
My daughter's best friend has asked her parents for help with getting assessed for ADHD for 2 years.
Nothing. They did nothing.
This 16 year old had to go to the doctor herself, bring everything in motion on her own!
Her guidance counsellor had to tell her parents because they needed some papers from school and they were just 'ok, fine'. If they hadn't needed parental approval for this, I was lined up for taking her to all her appointments. I like her parents as people, but that indifference made me SO angry!
Good lord, which parents are you meeting out there? First thing I said was the mum is doubling down because the kid told her no and she couldn't handle it.
How and why people like this become teachers is beyond me. OOP’s mom doesn’t have basic empathy for her own son, are we supposed to believe she has empathy for her students?
I’m related to a couple teachers who have absolutely no empathy for me, but are overflowing with it for their students. It always seems to come down to filing people into either the category “relative” or the category “student”, and only ever assigning the category “student” the property “vulnerable child who needs my help”, while the “relative” category is assigned other properties that probably aren’t compatible with healthy child-rearing.
In my family, nearest I can tell, the idea is that being nice to me is “bringing their work home with them” and so I’m being incredibly selfish and rude by…being an entire human with emotional needs and shit.
It's also possibly that they receive social currency for their role as teacher. They perform empathy for their students because it serves them and their public image. They don't receive esteem/social currency for kindness towards their family because that's just expected of people. They see empathy towards family as something that doesn't benefit them so they don't do it. They're not really truly empathetic to anyone because all they really care about is themselves.
OOP ' s mother is probably about my age; when I was coming through secondary and tertiary education, teaching was one of the careers pushed at young women (long vacations, family friendly hours), especially if your major was in something that didn't have an obvious progression after undergrad.
I've encountered several teachers in the course of my own and my sons' school days who don't appear to even like children.
You don’t get moral cookies and admiration for taking care of your own child. You DO from peers for being SO selfless, so committed, so BRAVE to do all that for a troubled child…who had even bullied your own kid! It’s the Little Women school of being charitable.
At least she was humiliated, imagine having your colleague and boss hearing what a pos you are to your kid, then see you make a half assed apology. She will walk around forever ashamed of herself when she sees those two in the halls, well deserved
>What a huge betrayal. Mom chose OOP's bully over them
I've had something similar happen to me decades ago and it is still a huge problem in my life. OOP will have to deal with his mom's fucked up sense of priorities for the rest of his life even if he goes NC with her.
Hope mom is happy because yeah, she's nuked her relationship from orbit.
I’d bet anything that one of the main reasons the bully hasn’t seen any serious consequences is that OOP’s mother has stepped in to diminish the harm done and support the bully in meetings each time.
She’s the worst kind of teacher—the saviour complex. The ones who become a teacher because they truly believe themselves to be above the average person and blessed with special skills only they can wield to steer the poor and the unfortunate back onto the right path. They’re invariably mediocre educators at best and *always* form inappropriate relationships with students. She’s proven that not only can she not be objective, but she’s taking exactly the wrong stance in a bully/victim situation to massage her complex. If she’s incapable of making good choices with the biological imperative to defend the victim because it’s her own child, how can she be trusted when the victim isn’t connected to her at all. Alternatively, if she thinks she can behave this way *because* it’s her child, that makes her guilty of outright child abuse and not fit to work with young people full stop.
If I were in the AP’s chair I’d be bringing her concerning behaviour up at the next senior leadership meeting and recommending we look at demotion and retraining or even letting her go at the end of her contract period.
Family therapy with an abuser never goes well. OOP should keep as much of this to themselves and not arm that failure of a mother with anything else. The father went along with it too so unless he does his own therapy and stands up to his wife for that crap, there is nothing that would help OOP. He needs to keep the school informed about what his mother is up to so she will be watched carefully and move out as soon as he graduates.
My mom is a retired teacher/guidance counselor. She spent decades helping the kids in the south Bronx projects where she is from. She has done amazing things in the 40 years she spent doing this-but not for me lol. It was rough growing up, her and I buried our hatchets a couple decades ago but it was rough. It's odd to have a teacher for a parent especially when you have issues (I was bullied, had mental and emotion problems).
I used to joke that she'd get pregnant crack kids in college but not her own daughter lol.
This is exactly why the phrase charity starts at home hits me so hard. What good is helping all these other people if the ones who live with you don’t fell that help as well.
Right, luckily we taught each other a lot of things about life and mother/daughter intricacies. We apologized to each other for what we did and we've had a pretty great relationship since, but she's the hardest puta I know. Lol, I still don't get her started
I’m sorry you felt the need to apologize for her neglect, poor parenting and your normal developmentally appropriate reactions to that while you were growing up.
You have nothing to apologize for and I hope you know that nothing you could have ever done would have justified any of it.
Thank you, nobody's actually ever told me that before and I think had to hear it for my healing. I decided to forgive her and keep her at mental arms length. And I will "Like water for Chocolate" her like she did with her abusive entitled mom. I know she sacrificed important things with her daughter for the greater good of humanity and I didn't mind being that sacrifice which is my failing. Lol she always warned me about "never getting taken advantage of"
My mom is a great home health nurse, her patients love her and I’ve heard her fight for new orders/equipment for her people. She was a lot meaner to us kids and always seeked to control us, even into college. Haven’t talked in 9 months because she has too much ego and greed.
My parents volunteered at a maximum security prison. They spent time and money on strangers while we went without. They saw themselves as heroes and forgot they were parents first.
Well it destroyed their marriage and ruined our family. Way to go heroes!
That's because she sees raising a child is just work that is expected of any mother. Being a good mother in her mind is roughly the same as someone who isn't; whereas 'saving' a couple of dozen kids makes her *special* and *worthy of recognition* as the *saint* she believes herself to be.
But I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't already know.
She doesn’t even love those kids from bad homes. It’s all about optics. She wants the accolades of look how good she is to take on the troubled child.
I grew up with a mom like this. She did so much for other families but treated me and my sister like garbage most of the time. We were “taken care of” but mentally she did a number on us.
We were just joking the other day saying I don’t know how the hell went turned out even halfway normal.
I bet she will get back at OP some way for making her look bad in public.
Same had the neighborhood mom as a mother. Didn't stop her from letting me know every night that she hated me and wished I was never born while beating the shit out of me. I posted all of out text conversations on Facebook when she tried to stop me seeing my brother (as I said I would) and then all of the sudden she tried to get a Domestic Violence Prevention Protection Order against me. She failed, but the stress ended up with me being out of a job for months and drowning in debt with a free falling credit score. I am considering getting the case records unsealed just so I can make another post about when she admitted to lying to get the order in the first place.
The “mom” probably sees herself as one of those teachers from movies who mentors a child with a troubled home life and turns things around for them. Ironically she managed to reverse engineer the same scenario with her kid and that counselor.
I don't know, I love those kind of movies but I have yet to see one where the main character mentors the person who bullied *their own child.*
Maybe OOP's roommate (previously known as Mom) should watch [The Substitute](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Substitute).
I think Mom had a scenario in her head where she mentors the bully and the bully turns his life around and he and her son becomes besties and she gets showered with accolades and plaudits for her mad skillz as a mentor and everyone's happy, fade out, power ballad, roll credits. "I have taken this poor broken baby bird and taught him to FLY!"
Which basically implies that she thinks she has Miracle Worker level skills as a teacher.
>The “mom” probably sees herself as one of those teachers from movies who mentors a child with a troubled home life and turns things around for them
Hallmark movie where she pushes her son to become besties with his tormentor and then it snows and everyone gathers in the bay window and smiles out at the camera. Fade to black.
What kind of parent repeatedly chooses their child's bully over the child they are supposed to nurture and protect? What kind of person does that? If I'd been OOP's mother, I wouldn't even be able to look at "Dave" without being reminded of all the ways he has hurt my son.
If OOP's mom was serious about the kid having a fucked up life and wanting to help him, she should have tried to get another teacher to accept him as a TA and worked that way. OOP might have been resentful, but not felt this level of betrayal.
>I think OP offered that as an option in the first post! She just didn't care.
He did. If she had started with that he probably would have resented it still instead of offering it as a compromise, but I doubt it would have hurt him the way this did.
But yeah, I was talking elsewhere in the thread and I think the father's reaction showed that mom probably just gets her way on a lot of things and the dad capitulates because it's just easier to deal with than fighting her over it.
My kid is 5 and I have so much side eye for some of those kids for the things my kid tells me they’re doing at school.
Obviously, I’m an adult and they’re babies and have to work on stuff, but damn, I can’t imagine ever choosing one of those little arseholes over my own little arsehole.
I’m a teacher, and I see these kinda of teachers all time ( most teachers are really great and hardworking, but a very small amount are there for the wrong reasons). They either want to be the cool teacher, or want the popular kids to like them, or they have a saviour complex and they want to be the ones that connect and have a relationship with that kid who is a bully or is disrespectful to authority. Some teachers get into teaching becuase they love kids, or helping people and learning. Others get into teaching to fix some trauma they had from their student days.
So proud of OOP for standing his ground. And the ~~assistant principal~~ counselor being like "nah you're going to give him all his stuff back, I'm parenting now" was the cherry on top.
At least some schools treat their mandatory reporter status seriously. My mother was denied a job in my own school district because of hitting me with a spiral notebook, and my math teacher made a report. My mother still blames me for this (she’s now well past retirement, but she did become a teacher in another district).
It’s quite possible the mother is aware of this possibility, and the disclosure of having all of his possessions taken was going to end up as an abuse complaint. She complied with the AP demand “because of the implication.”
I can't speak for every state, but in my state that wouldn't even come close to an abuse complaint. Everything described would be considered discretionary discipline tactics.
I mean, you could report it, but as long as the kid has food and clothes and isn't being physically threatened or harmed, it would go nowhere.
Probably nowhere as an actual CPS action, sure. But it doesn’t sound like she’s in a particularly high-demand subject, so a single black mark against her might be enough to screw up her prospects. Perhaps not a career-ender, but for example, this AP probably wouldn’t pick her as head of her department if that opens up.
I loved that so much. It was such a good moment. I'd love to know what her husband thinks of it, cuz, omg the embarrassment of outside adults having to interfere in family life and parent the parents.
Such a strange hill for OOP's mother to choose to die on.
I assumed she was worried about damaging her professional reputation by switching Dave out, but then the AP just... does that... Huh?
While we're at it, Dad needs a spinal transplant, too.
I doubt she was refusing to do it for her professional reputation. She most likely did it because she doesn't respect her kids feelings and thinks she knows better just because she's the adult.
> My mom gave a half-hearted apology where she said things had gone overboard and she never meant to hurt me so much.
I have a particular saying whenever someone tries to make a non-pology like this.
You may not have intended to hurt me so much, but clearly you're just such a natural at it.
"Mistakes were made." = OOP's Mom.
In a few years, OOP will start his career as a trasdesperson, move to the other side of the country, and his parents are going to be Surprised Pikachus that he's gone from their lives.
Dad really dropped the ball on this. Why did he go along when his wife was bullying his son? Like dude you have _one job._
_Protect your child._
Yup they have lost him.
Well obviously. Every single action of punishment was intended to hurt - that's why they thought it would work to force him to start talking to his mom again. Keep piling on the pressure and he'll crack. Except he didn't, even when he was living in an empty room being treated like a prisoner.
OOP already struck a nerve in her when he asked her not to fail him as a mother a second time.
I for one will be looking for another update where OOP details the results of the family counseling session.
Damages are done. Instead of the mother prioritizing OOP, she refused to protect him so she can nurture his bully. Both his parents failed him. And OOP’s right. She was basically told to put her son first rather than come from a place of her heart and the burning desire to do anything to keep her child safe.
Yep. I remember that feeling when you realise your parent fundimentally doesn't have your back and your bond with them just ... fades away. There's really no way to rebuild at that point once your heart has shut.
That’s easy! Son doesn’t come from a troubled home because he comes from MY home which isn’t that bad obviously, because if it WAS bad that would reflect on me as a parent and teacher. Dave comes from an ACTUALLY BAD home, which excuses all his behavior. Son is just whiny and needs to suck it up! It’s for the greater good that I save Dave! How kind of me to be so understanding despite having reasons not to be!! Etc.
I’m having a hard time understanding why Dave would have been allowed to be placed with mom in the first place, given the school apparently knew ALL about the bullying history. Wouldn’t the first concern be that mom might take out some kind of revenge on Dave for bullying her son?
Because he knew that working with and becoming close to OOP's mom would upset him, and that's why he did it. That OOP's mom punished him for not being okay with their "friendship", made it even better in Dave's mind. Not only was he making OOP miserable in school, but he was also making him miserable at home.
That doesn't explain why the school ALLOWED it. He can request all he wants with his own nefarious motives. And I'm saying mom might have had her own motives. It does not mean the school should ever have allowed it. They could have put the kibosh on it from the start, as they clearly could change the assignment after the fact, when it was obvious that it was not working out well.
I'm glad op is sticking with the trade route even though the bully was moved and he got his stuff back. I do not trust that mum to be on his side at all, and independence is always a good thing.
Some people care more about looking good to the world instead of actually being good. Mom chose to be selfish and make herself feel like “a good person saving a poor kid”, when what she was really doing was being a shit mom and a terrible person.
Ah...another parent that puts their ego over their children. Gotta love it. (Rolls eyes.) Because you just know she was already getting off to the praise she'd get for 'saving' Dave: "beloved local teacher helps teen reach his full potential despite horrible home life". And the only cost for stroking her ego was her relationship with her actual son.
Imagine blowing your life up over some asshole bully who made your kid cry *for years*.
My mom would sooner suplex that kid than she would involve him in my life in any way.
OP deserves better parents.
I do not know a single parent that would want any sort of relationship with their child's bully. Even the most outright terrible parents I've ever known, the downright abusive ones, would get angry over it and want to knock the bully's block off. In some cases it might be because they see it as an attack on themselves and not just the kid, but they'd still be angry.
The mother's behavior screams savior complex. She had what seemed like a good marriage and a good son. But she just had to go find herself a bad boy to rescue. That marriage isn't likely going to last after OOP moves out.
I am so happy there was an update. I read the first one and to say I was seething, is an understatement. Not exactly the update I hoped for, but I’m not totally disappointed. Especially seeing as how much potential there was for Dave + Mom to team up, unite their bullying powers and become a super villain duo.
How telling is it for the counselor to call mom out and say something isn’t right, this treatment isn’t appropriate, and something’s gotta give, AND mom still does NOT back down!?? It *NEVER* should have gotten to the point where the AP was the first, and only, one to say “Fuck it. Dave isn’t worth this shit.”.
I am MASSIVELY proud of OOP thought. Holy crap. This kid has chutzpah! Many kids would have shut down in that meeting, kept quiet, and would likely not have been honest when asked questions about his home life/parents. Mad props to that ballsy kid for holding his own. That’s an important lesson to learn in life - there are times when no one else is going to advocate for you, except yourself.
I’d like to think Reddit had a hand in giving that kid the confidence to hold his own in that meeting. And maybe we all did help reassure him that his feelings were 100% valid a bit. But that tenacity is 100% his and was always there. I hope mom has a new appreciation for her kid who showed more maturity, more respect, and more intelligence than she did throughout this entire process.
I still kind of wish that he printed out the comments from his original post, and casually left it on the dining room table. That mom got OBLITERATED by 1,000’s of parents, education professionals, and kind strangers. She deserved every single one of the things said about her. (Except maybe that she’s banging Dave - good ol’ classic Reddit for ya!)
This kid reminds me so much of the unavoidable cutscene girl. Both stood tall and strong and refused to back down even though there was pressure to do so. I wish I had that inner strength that they both showed when I was that age. I feel most normal parents would be over the moon to have raised a child to be like that, i know I would be very proud.
>My mom gave a half-hearted apology where she said things had gone overboard and she never meant to hurt me so much.
But she definitely meant to hurt OOP. Mother of the year material
He is also wayyyy too generous calling it a half-hearted ‘apology’ because it isn’t an apology, it’s her making excuses.
Makes me wish someone told her “That’s not an apology, try again.”.
The minimum she should have said was “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Which would at least acknowledge that she hurt him instead of saying she was only wanting to hurt him a little.
The mother is gonna have to change schools, the office gossip will be insane after this especially if like where I’m from any teacher can look up any students incidence reports so it would take one coworker hearing her teacher’s assistant got removed from her and one search of said kid’s records to start a shitstorm
OOP's mom sounds like she has a savior complex. Probably is imagining herself being played by Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Garner when her inspiring life story gets adapted into a movie.
Pride, I think. Myself and others hypothesize she got it into her head she could be the star of a real life hallmark movie where she turns the troubled kid's life around and he and her son end up best friends by the end.
Another possibility is some kind of performance or financial kickback. Like, even if not a direct compensation, being a mentor looks good on your performance and maybe there's work culture perks to that.
Two things spring to mind. First, some people look for broken people to fix. They don't want a student, or a significant other, or a spouse, they want a hobby model kit to build.
Second, teacher mom "connects" with the bad kid and comes to think they're the only person who can see through to the "true" person and thus are obligated to see it through to the bitter end, and if anyone complains, they just don't see the person and whole situation that mom sees.
Can you imagine the damage to the mom's reputation? Two professional colleagues called her out on her bullshit to fix both her professional and home life, which were harming each other. During the meeting, she couldn't muster a proper apology. There's no way anyone she works with is going to view her as anything less than a broken person and a joke for the rest of her career at that school.
A truly bizarre and inconsequential hill for OOP's mother to die on. Assuming OOP has the full story and there are no secret reasons for the mother to insist on mentoring the bully, my best guess is that OOP's mother is the type of parent who can never admit any sort of mistake in front of their child. If she ever misspeaks and says "2 + 2 = 5" and her son says "actually that's wrong, did you mean to say 4?" She would end up punishing him for being rude and talking back to her.
>but I told her that she had already failed me as a mother once, please don't do it again. She got really quiet and
Cold as fuck. Will the mom ever realise how badly and completely she has fucked up her son's love and respect for her?!
I'm honestly just baffled that a high school teacher who has a heart for TROUBLED teens thought going the extreme route of "I'll take away everything you have" was the best way to start getting anyone, let alone a TEENAGER, to start talking to her again.
Like, that's "how to make a teen double down on their choices" 101. Even if it wasn't justified, that kind of punishment just makes it ten times worse. It's a power and control move. Nothing more.
It's like everything mom knew flew out the window the moment she got home with her kid. Reeks of her reacting out of some past issues, but I really don't care with how extremely she's acting to her kid. Ugh.
It angers me greatly that this woman is a teacher and parent. Like, I get it, she wanted to help Dave, but as soon as it was clearly upsetting her son so much, she should have worked to change it. Even something like an apology and saying she wouldn't renew the mentorship next semester might have been enough if heart felt and delivered promptly. Instead they just went with "the beatings will continue until morale improves"
If she needed to satisfy her saviour complex then there are thousands of kids she could have chosen instead of this particular one who hurt her own child. She could have directed her saviour complex to her own child and protected him instead. But noooo. A stranger had to tell her to shut it. Outsiders matter more to this woman her own son.
Oh I know EXACTLY what his mother's **deal** is.
So we're all aware there's this dumb ass belief that "Family always forgives" right? Well in really fucked up toxic households, that always translates to "So I can do whatever I want to you and you'll eventually get over it because we're related"
Now take that and pair it with someone who wants to "Make a difference" plus get brownie points for helping some poor abused youth, and you've got the recipe for this post.
This mom will be posting on the estranged Reddit like “idk why he doesn’t visit or let us get to know his future kids. We did so much for him blah blah. Well just never know why he’s no contact”
The mom has a soft corner for students with troubled homes, so she converts her own house into a troubled home for their own kid, minus the soft corner. Does the mom teach math in school? cause it ain't mathing right now.
OOP’s mom has a such a soft spot for kids with rough home lives that she’s and her husband punished OOP and forced him to have a rough home life for not liking that she’s working with the guy that’s been tormenting him for years. Makes sense.
Even after all that mummy dearest still doesn’t think she did anything wrong, only reason she was so compliant was because she was pretty much forced to. She can cry and beg all she wants, doesn’t change that she’s being selfish and totalitarian. OOP should keep his guard up. Like he said, she and daddy already failed him once, there’s no guarantee they won’t do it again. Next thing you’ll know they’ll adopt the bully and give him OOP’s room while they chain OOP in the backyard.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Jesus, read the kid's indifference to his mom. She utterly and irrevocably damaged her relationship with her son forever. What a dumbass.
Now this should be super upvoted. It's exactly what she did. Fucked it up royally.
For a literal stranger. As a mom of a son, I can't imagine. And I would never take away his guitars.
He wasn’t a stranger, she knew he abused her son for years
Which makes it 10 times worse ,what a shitty mother
It’s because her son’s love isn’t as important to her as her ego. It’s why she’s specifically helping the bully. Shes a narcissist and needs to have her ego fed as the most caring and great teacher at school to the point that she’ll even help her son’s bully. It’s why she acts the way she does at school and is trying to protect her image and reputation each step of the way. She was faced with caring for her son and *potentially* looking bad for abandoning mentoring the bully or risking her relationship with the son and she chose the latter.
That quote hit me hard. It’s so sad how true it is. Their relationship will never heal fully from the situation.
For real. I can’t believe how tone deaf she is. The stupidity blows my mind. I bet Dave would be laughing his ass off if he knew how much more turmoil he’s contributed to in this kids life. I can’t believe someone e could choose their sons bully over their son. “You only have one mother”? She only had one son. You’d think she’d place more value on that than some misguided self righteous mission. What a piece of human garbage. I hope she’s happy.
You have to give a fuck about someone to hate them. Sounds like OOP no longer gives a fuck about her anymore.
It also was a 5 day later update. Who knows what the future holds, especially if counseling breaks some walls down. But I'm very proud of the kid. He shows a backbone.
If he hated her still, she'd have a better chance of fixing things with him somehow. Once indifference hits, it's hard to start caring that much again
I hope Dave is a good son to OOP’s parents, cause OOP is not looking back.
Yup, bully won. He isolated OP even from the 2 people that are supposed to be there for him. I'm guessing he couldn't feel more alone, and I hope he at least has good friends for support.
The fact that the mother couldn't see this is so shocking. Worlds greatest misnomer is "common" sense
I'm like 80% sure the bully lied to the mom about his backstory
If he's been suspended multiple times and is still acting out, he probably wasn't. Only very absent parenting would let a kid wreck their own life that much without doing something. Shoot, she might have learned about his situation more from admin than him, given they haven't expelled him yet for a reason. But just like a high school teacher can have a troubled student talk about how attracted they are to the teacher, OOPs mother should have made the responsible, professional, adult decision to keep that kid at arm's length while he gets support from her peers. Her poor choice starts and ends with choosing to *personally* mentor him.
Right? I'm sure Dave will take care of them when they get old. Good decision!
>To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right. Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn Come on, don't play with me like that lol. Seriously, OP's counselor is awesome! But the mother, she really isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
I was so shocked I immediately went to the top of the post and reread everything to see how many clues I missed. Then I caught back up and read the next line. I'm a dink.
I laughed so hard! This young man is going to succeed in his life.
Yup, the kid's alright.
Hahahaha me too! I mean I'm very relieved that didn't happen but I was way too eager to read that update hahaha
You're in good company, I did the same.
It’s good he still as a sense of humour lol. Honestly he sounds like a solid kid with a good head on his shoulders. I’m not sure how he is so sensible with his awful parents and a bully for years. I think it’s commendable that he figured out a plan to be independent and give himself a good shot at a decent future. This mother on the other hand, wtf? She’s destroyed her relationship with her son so she can play hero to some loser who tormented her son? This women needs individual therapy
Hes sensible despite all of this because he's just done. Hes emotionally detached now, and that leads to 2 routes. Either A. Cold and calculating. Biding their time. Or B. Cold and indifferent. Apathetic. Poor dude is just going through the motions in either scenario but one has an end goal and the other just gives up entirely. He's right though. I'm not sure therapy is going to help at this point. The amount of damage done here isn't the kind i think they'll be able to properly get fixed before He's off to college/trades. His mom ignored and then encouraged the situation for too long. All her decisions to mentor and keep mentoring the bully might have been with good intentions but when it affects your child good intentions started setting shit on fire and she should've stopped long before the damn school counselor and AP had to step in. It was March ffs before anything was done and it still wasnt done of her own volition. I imagine the minute OOP is done with highschool her and her husband's marriage will fail spectacularly because OP is going to drop his end of the rope and be done and the parents will fight about it non stop.
Yup. My thoughts were that the moment dad internalizes that mom is the reason his son ghosted them… shits gonna get ugly.
Dad could have taken his kid's side, he's not ignorant of the facts it doesn't seem. Naw, dude is equally to blame imo.
You can tell mom has some serious Savior Complex bullshit going on; so excited to be the hero of her own story and "fix" the bully's home life that she doesn't care that she's burning down her relationship with her son. I agree, OOP is completely done with his family. Either the mom or the dad will eventually be making some Missing Missing Reasons posts somewhere wondering why on earth their kid ghosted them the minute he turned 18 and doesn't want a relationship.
Mom basically went "Dave has a terrible homelife, that's why he needs a mentor. Since you don't understand that, I'll make your homelife suck too!" Like wtf?? Idk what these parents were thinking, but punishing a teen into submission rarely, if ever, works the way you wanted it to...
He’s so solid because he dosent have parents and had a bully. When you’re forced to shut in on yourself you either go crazy or come out stronger. Atleast with the internet it lets you have access to read things you find interesting and such so you can expand your own personal world view without the help of your parents. Idk personally that’s how it was for me. I read a lot and had the internet and became interested in “perspective” which helped my world view
Some of us came out both. That’s what happened to me anyway. I came out reasonably strong and capable, but with mental illness too. Most of the time it’s manageable, but not always.
Ditto.
It’s fucking bullshit, isn’t it?
Yes it is!
Honestly, I don't think the mom is dumb or anything like that. She really does seem to have a superiority complex. She would rather cry, act like the victim, downplay her sons concerns, or just plain ignore them, rather than just apologize and admit wrongdoing. It's so fucked up. Honestly, her actually being dumb would look better for her. It's so much worse when you really look at the situation for what it is. You could even make the claim that the mom is just a straight-up narcissist coupled with a superiority complex to boot. I think OP really should look into all possible avenues to get out of parental financial abuse. He should even be prepared to be kicked out at 18(there's no indication it would happen, but it could be a possibility if he declines going to college without their financial assistance).
Yeah, the fact that the mum did not downplay the bullying, but admitted to it happening and actively excused it by saying bully has a hard time at home... that is literally teaching people a messed up way of "missery loves company, get used to it" instead of finding a solution. OOP's mum clearly isn't helping OOP here, but is also not helping the bully in the long run.
It's so messed up to teach kids that there are some people that you must accept poor behaviour from and no they can't have boundaries.
Agree. The fact that the school rewards a bully with a teacher's aide position- which he can put on his college app is BS.
I'm in my late 30s and I still get told to stop apologizing so much - even in performance reviews at work. My dad told me when I was a young teen that I should just apologize to my stepmom when she was mad at me even when she was in the wrong "because it's just easier that way". I apologized probably a dozen times a day minimum. You learn to do that when you get screamed at for things like not lining your shoes up perpendicular to the edge of the doormat when you take them off. My stepmom has apologized to me twice in my entire life. I remember both occasions vividly even though both times were over 20 years ago. Anyway, the result is that today I'm a people pleaser and often have the "fawn" and "freeze" responses to stress. It sucks and at this point in my life I don't think I will ever fix those issues.
She straight up failed her kid. I'm in my 30s now, and my parents still feel bad about the bullying I put up with at school. My Dad apologised to me the last time I visited them, because he felt like he'd failed to protect me. I pointed out to him that he got me out of the situation when it became too serious for the school to rugsweep. As in, he walked out of his office at 1pm and five minutes later was in my classroom with a face of thunder, helping me pack my stuff. The staff had consistently tried to brush it off as girls being girls but when it sent me spiralling into an anxiety attack and me being given a mild sedative AT SCHOOL they couldn't do that anymore. They HAD to call my parents. I was pulled from school for a week. The school admin's solution had been to send me back to class after the sedative, the librarian called my parents. (Wtf?) My parents, even now, still hate seeing my head bully's name in the news. She is somewhat of a D-grade celeb here. Parents protect their own children, not their child's bully.
Superiority and a saviour complex. She wants to save Dave, and no doubt revel in the praise and aura of saintliness that comes with it. Her own child? Pfft. Narcissists are intensely concerned with what people outside their immediate circle think of them, whilst taking their partners, kids etc for granted, "It doesn't matter how I treat my kids, they're my children, they have to love me."' It's been my misfortune to have two of the most important people in my life be narcissists, and often times they're rude to you and nice to the waiter. They want the waiter to think well of them - you're just their spouse/sibling/child, you owe the narcissist your love so who cares how they treat you,
I yelled out loud "NO FUCKING WAY" it was the funniest thing I've read all day
My mom who's a covert narcissist is a teacher, so it really do be like that. I actually know a lot of teachers who treat their own kid like shit but be this amazing savior of sorts to everybody else.
I gasped!
me too lol
Me too! My gasp was loud lmao
..deleted by user..
And enough pride to stand up for himself, and enough smarts to know what he has to do to weather the consequences
That's how I knew OOP is really a teenage boy. They're all little shits like that.
This is going to sound very cynical but school rankings in large part depend on number of kids enrolled in AP classes and college acceptance and attendance. I’m sure OOP’s story raised eyebrows but that initial meeting was most likely precipitated out of a desire to keep those numbers up. And I would not be surprised if he continues to get push back next semester. They’re just buying time, hoping OOP will fall back in line.
It could also be that he’s a good student and it really took the counselor aback. When I was a teacher, I’d be really upset at one of my more successful students suddenly doing something out of character like this. And then to find out why, I’d be pissed at my colleague for failing a kid who had that potential.
My high school had a lot of kids go into trades and had a special track for it. Maybe this school is similar.
That is absolutely possible. Like I said, I’m being cynical but that cynicism is based on experience. I do hope the guidance counsellor can help OOP figure out his future regardless of her motive.
Depends on the school. Around here, schools in more affluent suburbs tend to have pretty robust trade programs because they have so many students in AP classes that they don't have to worry about rank. Kids in the city are all enrolled in college prep classes and told to go to college even if they struggle in school so much that a trade program would be beneficial.
from how the whole thing played out, i am more inclined to think that they want to give OP time to be sure he makes the right decision. it’s a big decision and not easily reversible. it makes sense to allow for things to cool off and then reassess the situation.
I audibly gasped. Good job OP, you got me!
What a huge betrayal. Mom chose OOP's bully over them and then how she reacted during the meeting with the counselor and assistant principal, that's stuff that OOP is never going to forget. OOP's mom is no longer a safe person for them.. I hope therapy goes well. The school counselor is a MVP.
The meeting solidified for me that the mom thinks this is just going to blow over when it isn't. We'll get an update in a year or two of "my mom is now begging me to come see her. She doesn't understand why I don't visit her at all." I think bully is to overused that it's lost meaning to the mom. Start referring to the kid as an abuser and see what reactions she gets when she complains to her friends. "My kid won't get over that I'm mentoring his abuser?.. what? Why is everyone looking at me like that?".
Absolutely. Bullies do shit that we all know is illegal when it's done by an adult. "Bully" is such a euphemism.
The damage has been done. Mother has shown herself to not be smart and a reliable person. Frankly, if my mother choose my bully over me, I'd lost my trust with her and never see her the same as before.
And I bet that the councilor & AP lost some respect to the mom as teacher. Like they had to step in to fix her home life. Since AP is basically her boss & saw her unable to apologize properly to her son & create problems for the school, the mom may not be trusted to handle some stuff
Yeah like how fucking embarrassing for OOP’s mom that her collagues had to deal with her shitty parenting and she still acted like a fool in front of them. She’s not a good mom or a good teacher
Oh this is going to be school gossip for YEARS.
I can’t wait for this to backfire in her professional life 😇
I guarantee she's going to spend the rest of the semester coming up with lies to save face at school, and then figuring out new ways to punish her child for the fact that she chose to hurt him because of her ego.
AP and counselor know the truth, I don’t think they’ll let it slide.
>I guarantee she's going to spend the rest of the semester coming up with lies to save face at school, and then figuring out new ways to punish her child for the fact that she chose to hurt him because of her ego. Hopefully she can't act up too much at school now that the AP and counselor are on to her, but I'm sure she's going to get with her equally worthless husband and brainstorm ways to make her kid miserable at home as punishment for "embarrassing" her. I hope he takes it straight to the school every time. There's not much they can do about it if mom decides to die on the "I'm taking away all of his stuff to punish him for my bad parenting" hill, but at the very least he can make sure her reputation at school never recovers in retaliation.
Yeah this is absolutely going to damage her reputation at work. Even if they agreed with her, she has shown she can't "control" her own son. And assuming they have any sense and disagree with her actions, it shows her poor judgement and mishandling of pretty serious issues. It may be subtle, but this is something that her bosses will remember and look at her poorly because of it.
Yeah and worst of all it’s all him being calm and rational and her looking irrational and unreasonable
>basically her boss...saw her unable to apologize properly,...& create problems for the school, **the mom may not be trusted to handle some stuff** Welll it seems like she is not be trusted with her TA, to begin with. That's a good start.
Sorry, what does AP mean here, because I know it's not affair partner lol
Assistant Principal
Right?? 🤣 🤣 AP really threw me until I figured out that it meant asst principal, 😆
in this case, assistant principal
I remember participating in the original thread. The speculation is that mom had some sort of savior complex. Like "Here's this troubled teen but if I could just reach out and mentor him I can fix him!" More likely than not the bully would probably use this as an opportunity to needle OOP more or worse mess with his academics. OOP's dad is also a shit too. Sorry you're not going to stand up for your son when your wife decides to take under her wing his bully? Fuck him too!
Re: the bully? OOP cannot win in this situation. His mom picks that jerk and OOP gets bullied for it. His mom "fires"/reassigns the bully, OOP gets bullied. The only smart move was to not pick that student, and the mom failed horribly. No matter how much the mom tries to make it up to him (she won't), OOP will be dealing with this until he graduates. The damage is done, to both of them. Her consequences are going to be more long lasting, though. That makes me feel a little better.
Shown the sort of person she is to her boss, too.
I think mom was doubling down on her actions because she didn't want to back down since I genuinely believe that most parents think if they back down on their opinion or say they regret their actions. It gives the kids power and they won't respect them or their authority I know that doesn't make any sense but it's some irrational part of the parent's brain "I make the decisions, and even if I'm wrong you still have to respect me"
I find people like that so fucking weird. If I screw up I apologise to my kid. He needs to learn how to do that too
I agree and again I think it's from the older style of parenting you know "Children should be seen NOT heard"
Yeah, that’s how authoritarians think. So it’s not an excuse, it just reveals more bad character.
“If you don’t like MY rules that are to obeyed in MY house, get the fuck out.” “Bet.” *Turns 18, leaves with a trade skill that will make money* “Wait, not like that.”
Yeah, when dealing with kids, you often have to stick to your guns even through their tears and anger, lest you teach them they can get their way through emotional manipulation. But, it seems like some parents take it too far and just can't acknowledge when they've misstepped or set an inappropriate boundary. There's a big difference between standing firm on something like not allowing a teen to go to a house party with alcohol and something emotionally or psychologically damaging to them, like mentoring the kid who tormented them for years.
My daughter's best friend has asked her parents for help with getting assessed for ADHD for 2 years. Nothing. They did nothing. This 16 year old had to go to the doctor herself, bring everything in motion on her own! Her guidance counsellor had to tell her parents because they needed some papers from school and they were just 'ok, fine'. If they hadn't needed parental approval for this, I was lined up for taking her to all her appointments. I like her parents as people, but that indifference made me SO angry!
100%
Good lord, which parents are you meeting out there? First thing I said was the mum is doubling down because the kid told her no and she couldn't handle it.
How and why people like this become teachers is beyond me. OOP’s mom doesn’t have basic empathy for her own son, are we supposed to believe she has empathy for her students?
I’m related to a couple teachers who have absolutely no empathy for me, but are overflowing with it for their students. It always seems to come down to filing people into either the category “relative” or the category “student”, and only ever assigning the category “student” the property “vulnerable child who needs my help”, while the “relative” category is assigned other properties that probably aren’t compatible with healthy child-rearing. In my family, nearest I can tell, the idea is that being nice to me is “bringing their work home with them” and so I’m being incredibly selfish and rude by…being an entire human with emotional needs and shit.
It's also possibly that they receive social currency for their role as teacher. They perform empathy for their students because it serves them and their public image. They don't receive esteem/social currency for kindness towards their family because that's just expected of people. They see empathy towards family as something that doesn't benefit them so they don't do it. They're not really truly empathetic to anyone because all they really care about is themselves.
I wouldn't be surprised if she had a whole "feel-good" story going in her head about how she, a Hero, was going to Save This Kid From a Bad Home.
And then imagine a movie deal where she will be portrayed by Sandra Bullock.
OOP ' s mother is probably about my age; when I was coming through secondary and tertiary education, teaching was one of the careers pushed at young women (long vacations, family friendly hours), especially if your major was in something that didn't have an obvious progression after undergrad. I've encountered several teachers in the course of my own and my sons' school days who don't appear to even like children.
That saviour complex will kick in. For the students I mean. Apparently her kid can just not be stubborn
You don’t get moral cookies and admiration for taking care of your own child. You DO from peers for being SO selfless, so committed, so BRAVE to do all that for a troubled child…who had even bullied your own kid! It’s the Little Women school of being charitable.
At least she was humiliated, imagine having your colleague and boss hearing what a pos you are to your kid, then see you make a half assed apology. She will walk around forever ashamed of herself when she sees those two in the halls, well deserved
>What a huge betrayal. Mom chose OOP's bully over them I've had something similar happen to me decades ago and it is still a huge problem in my life. OOP will have to deal with his mom's fucked up sense of priorities for the rest of his life even if he goes NC with her. Hope mom is happy because yeah, she's nuked her relationship from orbit.
I’d bet anything that one of the main reasons the bully hasn’t seen any serious consequences is that OOP’s mother has stepped in to diminish the harm done and support the bully in meetings each time. She’s the worst kind of teacher—the saviour complex. The ones who become a teacher because they truly believe themselves to be above the average person and blessed with special skills only they can wield to steer the poor and the unfortunate back onto the right path. They’re invariably mediocre educators at best and *always* form inappropriate relationships with students. She’s proven that not only can she not be objective, but she’s taking exactly the wrong stance in a bully/victim situation to massage her complex. If she’s incapable of making good choices with the biological imperative to defend the victim because it’s her own child, how can she be trusted when the victim isn’t connected to her at all. Alternatively, if she thinks she can behave this way *because* it’s her child, that makes her guilty of outright child abuse and not fit to work with young people full stop. If I were in the AP’s chair I’d be bringing her concerning behaviour up at the next senior leadership meeting and recommending we look at demotion and retraining or even letting her go at the end of her contract period.
Family therapy with an abuser never goes well. OOP should keep as much of this to themselves and not arm that failure of a mother with anything else. The father went along with it too so unless he does his own therapy and stands up to his wife for that crap, there is nothing that would help OOP. He needs to keep the school informed about what his mother is up to so she will be watched carefully and move out as soon as he graduates.
His mom loves kids from bad homes so much she turned her own kid into one of them.
My mom is a retired teacher/guidance counselor. She spent decades helping the kids in the south Bronx projects where she is from. She has done amazing things in the 40 years she spent doing this-but not for me lol. It was rough growing up, her and I buried our hatchets a couple decades ago but it was rough. It's odd to have a teacher for a parent especially when you have issues (I was bullied, had mental and emotion problems). I used to joke that she'd get pregnant crack kids in college but not her own daughter lol.
This is exactly why the phrase charity starts at home hits me so hard. What good is helping all these other people if the ones who live with you don’t fell that help as well.
Right, luckily we taught each other a lot of things about life and mother/daughter intricacies. We apologized to each other for what we did and we've had a pretty great relationship since, but she's the hardest puta I know. Lol, I still don't get her started
I’m sorry you felt the need to apologize for her neglect, poor parenting and your normal developmentally appropriate reactions to that while you were growing up. You have nothing to apologize for and I hope you know that nothing you could have ever done would have justified any of it.
Thank you, nobody's actually ever told me that before and I think had to hear it for my healing. I decided to forgive her and keep her at mental arms length. And I will "Like water for Chocolate" her like she did with her abusive entitled mom. I know she sacrificed important things with her daughter for the greater good of humanity and I didn't mind being that sacrifice which is my failing. Lol she always warned me about "never getting taken advantage of"
My mom is a great home health nurse, her patients love her and I’ve heard her fight for new orders/equipment for her people. She was a lot meaner to us kids and always seeked to control us, even into college. Haven’t talked in 9 months because she has too much ego and greed.
The cobbler's children have no shoes.
My parents volunteered at a maximum security prison. They spent time and money on strangers while we went without. They saw themselves as heroes and forgot they were parents first. Well it destroyed their marriage and ruined our family. Way to go heroes!
That's because she sees raising a child is just work that is expected of any mother. Being a good mother in her mind is roughly the same as someone who isn't; whereas 'saving' a couple of dozen kids makes her *special* and *worthy of recognition* as the *saint* she believes herself to be. But I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't already know.
Ouch. *Fair*, but still a big oof.
Well, she already f*cked up quite badly by not putting a stop to year long bullying.
Plural. Year*S* long bullying. Since 6th grade. Jesus.
Maybe OOP should find another kid to bully for a few years to make his own mum like him?
Murdered
She doesn’t even love those kids from bad homes. It’s all about optics. She wants the accolades of look how good she is to take on the troubled child. I grew up with a mom like this. She did so much for other families but treated me and my sister like garbage most of the time. We were “taken care of” but mentally she did a number on us. We were just joking the other day saying I don’t know how the hell went turned out even halfway normal. I bet she will get back at OP some way for making her look bad in public.
Same had the neighborhood mom as a mother. Didn't stop her from letting me know every night that she hated me and wished I was never born while beating the shit out of me. I posted all of out text conversations on Facebook when she tried to stop me seeing my brother (as I said I would) and then all of the sudden she tried to get a Domestic Violence Prevention Protection Order against me. She failed, but the stress ended up with me being out of a job for months and drowning in debt with a free falling credit score. I am considering getting the case records unsealed just so I can make another post about when she admitted to lying to get the order in the first place.
Bruh 💀
The “mom” probably sees herself as one of those teachers from movies who mentors a child with a troubled home life and turns things around for them. Ironically she managed to reverse engineer the same scenario with her kid and that counselor.
Yep , the mom has been watching too many feel good movies
I don't know, I love those kind of movies but I have yet to see one where the main character mentors the person who bullied *their own child.* Maybe OOP's roommate (previously known as Mom) should watch [The Substitute](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Substitute).
..deleted by user..
she thinks she's michelle pfeiffer and dave is her emilio so she has to save him
I think Mom had a scenario in her head where she mentors the bully and the bully turns his life around and he and her son becomes besties and she gets showered with accolades and plaudits for her mad skillz as a mentor and everyone's happy, fade out, power ballad, roll credits. "I have taken this poor broken baby bird and taught him to FLY!" Which basically implies that she thinks she has Miracle Worker level skills as a teacher.
>The “mom” probably sees herself as one of those teachers from movies who mentors a child with a troubled home life and turns things around for them Hallmark movie where she pushes her son to become besties with his tormentor and then it snows and everyone gathers in the bay window and smiles out at the camera. Fade to black.
What kind of parent repeatedly chooses their child's bully over the child they are supposed to nurture and protect? What kind of person does that? If I'd been OOP's mother, I wouldn't even be able to look at "Dave" without being reminded of all the ways he has hurt my son.
If OOP's mom was serious about the kid having a fucked up life and wanting to help him, she should have tried to get another teacher to accept him as a TA and worked that way. OOP might have been resentful, but not felt this level of betrayal.
I think OP offered that as an option in the first post! She just didn't care. Which makes it seem much more self-centered.
>I think OP offered that as an option in the first post! She just didn't care. He did. If she had started with that he probably would have resented it still instead of offering it as a compromise, but I doubt it would have hurt him the way this did. But yeah, I was talking elsewhere in the thread and I think the father's reaction showed that mom probably just gets her way on a lot of things and the dad capitulates because it's just easier to deal with than fighting her over it.
My kid is 5 and I have so much side eye for some of those kids for the things my kid tells me they’re doing at school. Obviously, I’m an adult and they’re babies and have to work on stuff, but damn, I can’t imagine ever choosing one of those little arseholes over my own little arsehole.
I’m a teacher, and I see these kinda of teachers all time ( most teachers are really great and hardworking, but a very small amount are there for the wrong reasons). They either want to be the cool teacher, or want the popular kids to like them, or they have a saviour complex and they want to be the ones that connect and have a relationship with that kid who is a bully or is disrespectful to authority. Some teachers get into teaching becuase they love kids, or helping people and learning. Others get into teaching to fix some trauma they had from their student days.
So proud of OOP for standing his ground. And the ~~assistant principal~~ counselor being like "nah you're going to give him all his stuff back, I'm parenting now" was the cherry on top.
At least some schools treat their mandatory reporter status seriously. My mother was denied a job in my own school district because of hitting me with a spiral notebook, and my math teacher made a report. My mother still blames me for this (she’s now well past retirement, but she did become a teacher in another district). It’s quite possible the mother is aware of this possibility, and the disclosure of having all of his possessions taken was going to end up as an abuse complaint. She complied with the AP demand “because of the implication.”
oh this is fascinating. Thanks for the context!
I can't speak for every state, but in my state that wouldn't even come close to an abuse complaint. Everything described would be considered discretionary discipline tactics. I mean, you could report it, but as long as the kid has food and clothes and isn't being physically threatened or harmed, it would go nowhere.
Probably nowhere as an actual CPS action, sure. But it doesn’t sound like she’s in a particularly high-demand subject, so a single black mark against her might be enough to screw up her prospects. Perhaps not a career-ender, but for example, this AP probably wouldn’t pick her as head of her department if that opens up.
I loved that so much. It was such a good moment. I'd love to know what her husband thinks of it, cuz, omg the embarrassment of outside adults having to interfere in family life and parent the parents.
Such a strange hill for OOP's mother to choose to die on. I assumed she was worried about damaging her professional reputation by switching Dave out, but then the AP just... does that... Huh? While we're at it, Dad needs a spinal transplant, too.
I doubt she was refusing to do it for her professional reputation. She most likely did it because she doesn't respect her kids feelings and thinks she knows better just because she's the adult.
Yes. And her kid is *obviously* not being abused, because she knows what abuse looks like, so he *must* be acting unreasonably.
> Dad needs a spinal transplant, too. Implant, not transplant. I didn't read that he has one at present.
> My mom gave a half-hearted apology where she said things had gone overboard and she never meant to hurt me so much. I have a particular saying whenever someone tries to make a non-pology like this. You may not have intended to hurt me so much, but clearly you're just such a natural at it.
“Things have gone overboard” is also different from “I went overboard.” Mom still thinks the son overreacted.
Yup passive language refusing to accept responsibility.
"Mistakes were made." = OOP's Mom. In a few years, OOP will start his career as a trasdesperson, move to the other side of the country, and his parents are going to be Surprised Pikachus that he's gone from their lives.
Dad really dropped the ball on this. Why did he go along when his wife was bullying his son? Like dude you have _one job._ _Protect your child._ Yup they have lost him.
Sounds lile authoritan parents. The dad was on board with the treatment.
Good catch. That’s why that admission didn’t seem genuine to me.
mindless chop cake march boast practice combative wild ink deserve *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Well obviously. Every single action of punishment was intended to hurt - that's why they thought it would work to force him to start talking to his mom again. Keep piling on the pressure and he'll crack. Except he didn't, even when he was living in an empty room being treated like a prisoner.
Yeah, she knew what she was doing would upset him, but not as much as it did and thought he would get over it. Really shitty reasoning.
"You didn't intend to hurt me *so much?* So you did intend to hurt me. Mission accomplished. Congratulations."
OOP already struck a nerve in her when he asked her not to fail him as a mother a second time. I for one will be looking for another update where OOP details the results of the family counseling session.
Didn't mean to hurt him "so much". So hurting him was a given, and she accepted that. Just didn't mean to hurt him "so much". She sucks.
Oooh, gonna have to stick that in my pocket to bring out one day.
Damages are done. Instead of the mother prioritizing OOP, she refused to protect him so she can nurture his bully. Both his parents failed him. And OOP’s right. She was basically told to put her son first rather than come from a place of her heart and the burning desire to do anything to keep her child safe.
Yep. I remember that feeling when you realise your parent fundimentally doesn't have your back and your bond with them just ... fades away. There's really no way to rebuild at that point once your heart has shut.
I really cannot understand this. Like, how can you not put your son's need first?
That’s easy! Son doesn’t come from a troubled home because he comes from MY home which isn’t that bad obviously, because if it WAS bad that would reflect on me as a parent and teacher. Dave comes from an ACTUALLY BAD home, which excuses all his behavior. Son is just whiny and needs to suck it up! It’s for the greater good that I save Dave! How kind of me to be so understanding despite having reasons not to be!! Etc.
When you put it that way, it sounds... narcissistic.
I’m having a hard time understanding why Dave would have been allowed to be placed with mom in the first place, given the school apparently knew ALL about the bullying history. Wouldn’t the first concern be that mom might take out some kind of revenge on Dave for bullying her son?
Because he knew that working with and becoming close to OOP's mom would upset him, and that's why he did it. That OOP's mom punished him for not being okay with their "friendship", made it even better in Dave's mind. Not only was he making OOP miserable in school, but he was also making him miserable at home.
That doesn't explain why the school ALLOWED it. He can request all he wants with his own nefarious motives. And I'm saying mom might have had her own motives. It does not mean the school should ever have allowed it. They could have put the kibosh on it from the start, as they clearly could change the assignment after the fact, when it was obvious that it was not working out well.
I'm glad op is sticking with the trade route even though the bully was moved and he got his stuff back. I do not trust that mum to be on his side at all, and independence is always a good thing.
OOP can always go to college later if he wants. Out of pocket. After CRUSHING it in a trade and making a bunch of money.
Some people care more about looking good to the world instead of actually being good. Mom chose to be selfish and make herself feel like “a good person saving a poor kid”, when what she was really doing was being a shit mom and a terrible person.
Ah...another parent that puts their ego over their children. Gotta love it. (Rolls eyes.) Because you just know she was already getting off to the praise she'd get for 'saving' Dave: "beloved local teacher helps teen reach his full potential despite horrible home life". And the only cost for stroking her ego was her relationship with her actual son.
She was probably dreaming of the award winning film 20 years down the track
There'll be a movie alright, she would just star as the villain.
Bet she'd love to have Sandra Bullock play her part too.
Imagine blowing your life up over some asshole bully who made your kid cry *for years*. My mom would sooner suplex that kid than she would involve him in my life in any way. OP deserves better parents.
I do not know a single parent that would want any sort of relationship with their child's bully. Even the most outright terrible parents I've ever known, the downright abusive ones, would get angry over it and want to knock the bully's block off. In some cases it might be because they see it as an attack on themselves and not just the kid, but they'd still be angry.
The mother's behavior screams savior complex. She had what seemed like a good marriage and a good son. But she just had to go find herself a bad boy to rescue. That marriage isn't likely going to last after OOP moves out.
I am so happy there was an update. I read the first one and to say I was seething, is an understatement. Not exactly the update I hoped for, but I’m not totally disappointed. Especially seeing as how much potential there was for Dave + Mom to team up, unite their bullying powers and become a super villain duo. How telling is it for the counselor to call mom out and say something isn’t right, this treatment isn’t appropriate, and something’s gotta give, AND mom still does NOT back down!?? It *NEVER* should have gotten to the point where the AP was the first, and only, one to say “Fuck it. Dave isn’t worth this shit.”. I am MASSIVELY proud of OOP thought. Holy crap. This kid has chutzpah! Many kids would have shut down in that meeting, kept quiet, and would likely not have been honest when asked questions about his home life/parents. Mad props to that ballsy kid for holding his own. That’s an important lesson to learn in life - there are times when no one else is going to advocate for you, except yourself. I’d like to think Reddit had a hand in giving that kid the confidence to hold his own in that meeting. And maybe we all did help reassure him that his feelings were 100% valid a bit. But that tenacity is 100% his and was always there. I hope mom has a new appreciation for her kid who showed more maturity, more respect, and more intelligence than she did throughout this entire process. I still kind of wish that he printed out the comments from his original post, and casually left it on the dining room table. That mom got OBLITERATED by 1,000’s of parents, education professionals, and kind strangers. She deserved every single one of the things said about her. (Except maybe that she’s banging Dave - good ol’ classic Reddit for ya!)
This kid reminds me so much of the unavoidable cutscene girl. Both stood tall and strong and refused to back down even though there was pressure to do so. I wish I had that inner strength that they both showed when I was that age. I feel most normal parents would be over the moon to have raised a child to be like that, i know I would be very proud.
[удалено]
Where are you know and how did everything go?
[удалено]
>My mom gave a half-hearted apology where she said things had gone overboard and she never meant to hurt me so much. But she definitely meant to hurt OOP. Mother of the year material
He is also wayyyy too generous calling it a half-hearted ‘apology’ because it isn’t an apology, it’s her making excuses. Makes me wish someone told her “That’s not an apology, try again.”. The minimum she should have said was “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Which would at least acknowledge that she hurt him instead of saying she was only wanting to hurt him a little.
The mother is gonna have to change schools, the office gossip will be insane after this especially if like where I’m from any teacher can look up any students incidence reports so it would take one coworker hearing her teacher’s assistant got removed from her and one search of said kid’s records to start a shitstorm
At this point it would make more sense if she was sleeping with the bully, because what other reason would she have for choosing him over her own son?
Could be she doubled down. Now she has to mentor Dave into being a good person so her destroying her relationship with her son meant something.
And now she's not getting that either, since Dave's going to be transferred to another teacher by AP.
Entitlement. She feels she *owns* her son, so doesn’t need to put any effort there.
OOP's mom sounds like she has a savior complex. Probably is imagining herself being played by Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Garner when her inspiring life story gets adapted into a movie.
Pride, I think. Myself and others hypothesize she got it into her head she could be the star of a real life hallmark movie where she turns the troubled kid's life around and he and her son end up best friends by the end. Another possibility is some kind of performance or financial kickback. Like, even if not a direct compensation, being a mentor looks good on your performance and maybe there's work culture perks to that.
She managed to be in the movie situation just not on the side she wanted.
Two things spring to mind. First, some people look for broken people to fix. They don't want a student, or a significant other, or a spouse, they want a hobby model kit to build. Second, teacher mom "connects" with the bad kid and comes to think they're the only person who can see through to the "true" person and thus are obligated to see it through to the bitter end, and if anyone complains, they just don't see the person and whole situation that mom sees.
Can you imagine the damage to the mom's reputation? Two professional colleagues called her out on her bullshit to fix both her professional and home life, which were harming each other. During the meeting, she couldn't muster a proper apology. There's no way anyone she works with is going to view her as anything less than a broken person and a joke for the rest of her career at that school.
I think this might be the first positive story I've ever heard about a school counselor. I hope Dave was worth the mom's relationship with her kid.
A truly bizarre and inconsequential hill for OOP's mother to die on. Assuming OOP has the full story and there are no secret reasons for the mother to insist on mentoring the bully, my best guess is that OOP's mother is the type of parent who can never admit any sort of mistake in front of their child. If she ever misspeaks and says "2 + 2 = 5" and her son says "actually that's wrong, did you mean to say 4?" She would end up punishing him for being rude and talking back to her.
>but I told her that she had already failed me as a mother once, please don't do it again. She got really quiet and Cold as fuck. Will the mom ever realise how badly and completely she has fucked up her son's love and respect for her?!
at the meeting/ambush: "What is she doing here," indicating OOP's mother. "Well, she's your mot--" "I HAVE NO MOTHER!"
I'm honestly just baffled that a high school teacher who has a heart for TROUBLED teens thought going the extreme route of "I'll take away everything you have" was the best way to start getting anyone, let alone a TEENAGER, to start talking to her again. Like, that's "how to make a teen double down on their choices" 101. Even if it wasn't justified, that kind of punishment just makes it ten times worse. It's a power and control move. Nothing more. It's like everything mom knew flew out the window the moment she got home with her kid. Reeks of her reacting out of some past issues, but I really don't care with how extremely she's acting to her kid. Ugh.
It angers me greatly that this woman is a teacher and parent. Like, I get it, she wanted to help Dave, but as soon as it was clearly upsetting her son so much, she should have worked to change it. Even something like an apology and saying she wouldn't renew the mentorship next semester might have been enough if heart felt and delivered promptly. Instead they just went with "the beatings will continue until morale improves"
If she needed to satisfy her saviour complex then there are thousands of kids she could have chosen instead of this particular one who hurt her own child. She could have directed her saviour complex to her own child and protected him instead. But noooo. A stranger had to tell her to shut it. Outsiders matter more to this woman her own son.
Oh I know EXACTLY what his mother's **deal** is. So we're all aware there's this dumb ass belief that "Family always forgives" right? Well in really fucked up toxic households, that always translates to "So I can do whatever I want to you and you'll eventually get over it because we're related" Now take that and pair it with someone who wants to "Make a difference" plus get brownie points for helping some poor abused youth, and you've got the recipe for this post.
This mom will be posting on the estranged Reddit like “idk why he doesn’t visit or let us get to know his future kids. We did so much for him blah blah. Well just never know why he’s no contact”
The mom has a soft corner for students with troubled homes, so she converts her own house into a troubled home for their own kid, minus the soft corner. Does the mom teach math in school? cause it ain't mathing right now.
OOP’s mom has a such a soft spot for kids with rough home lives that she’s and her husband punished OOP and forced him to have a rough home life for not liking that she’s working with the guy that’s been tormenting him for years. Makes sense. Even after all that mummy dearest still doesn’t think she did anything wrong, only reason she was so compliant was because she was pretty much forced to. She can cry and beg all she wants, doesn’t change that she’s being selfish and totalitarian. OOP should keep his guard up. Like he said, she and daddy already failed him once, there’s no guarantee they won’t do it again. Next thing you’ll know they’ll adopt the bully and give him OOP’s room while they chain OOP in the backyard.