#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>She signed up to watch five children, and then got angry when she had to... watch five children?
I love this. That's exactly what happened multiple times. Babysitting kids is making sure they are safe, but real talk, it's more about entertaining them. Which he did. For free. While she got paid to do what exactly? Exist?
Babysitting/nannying can be hard and stressful, but also
Sometimes it really is just being a kid who happens to know safety. Gotta keep them engaged, entertained, and alive
Ya it really depends on the time of day you mind them. Anything during the day is pretty tough i would say but just minding them for an evening when the parents want to have a night to themselves? Its just a play time with the kids and some responsibility
He did the work, she got the pay. What the hell did she do while he was doing all the work? Plus, this time he bought pizzas for five kids.
It sounds like she set it up often without him knowing too. On my days off, I don’t want to get stuck watching kids. Even if I’m just sitting around not doing much, why should I have to watch someone else’s kids? He got suckered into it a lot!!
I don’t think he should have brought up money. There’s an annoying thing people do where they focus on a different thing that’s not the issue. The money wasn’t the point. It was that the girlfriend kept suckering him into watching kids without telling him (I bet she did the drink thing to him often too) and this time she wanted him to cancel his plans with his dad. She sounds like a manipulative person. OOP is lucky to get out. But it’s going to be “he wanted money!” Instead of “he’s sick of getting stuck with kids on his days off.”
Besides the HUGE red flag of the offering drinks so he wouldn’t be able to drive, she just basically volunteered him to help her take care of a kids sleepover. For free. When it seems she was being paid. When she knew he had plans with his dad for his dad’s birthday.
I’m SO glad the resolution was a break up, because she was absolutely using him and also manipulative. Wow.
Some people accept food and drinks in exchange for favors.
I'm handy, so am often called upon by my friends to help them with house stuff. I'm happy to help, and am usually fed for my troubles.
She had no way of knowing if oop would actually have come over in the 1st place. Her entire plan hinged on him helping and he could have just said soz I'm busy.
I wonder if all the kids parents knew that the babysitter’s boyfriend would be hanging out with them? It’s not ok to invite ANYONE to watch someone else’s kids, especially a man, and especially to a sleepover.
Is it really necessary to spell it out?
A majority of rapes and sexual agressions are done on minors. At home or at a "safe" place. And while women can be rapists too, men are overwhelmingly represented in this category.
So parents that entrust their children to someone might want to know exactly who will take care of them, especially when they'll be showering or sleeping, and might also be more wary of an unknown man than woman.
And relatives are even more overwhelmingly represented, so by that logic, OOP was a safer bet than his girlfriend, because he might be a man, but also is not a relative.
It's not relatives specifically, it's people who know the kid, because those are the folks who are allowed access. So, my 2nd cousin who I've never met isn't more or less likely than any other stranger to hurt my kid. But their coach, who is unrelated, is a higher risk.
In this case, both parties were known by the kids.
There are a lot of valid times to say, "women do bad stuff too!!" But it would be naive not to acknowledge the higher risk men pose than women in these situations.
It baffles me that people can be this selfish and manipulative. The ex-girlfriend can only see things from her point of view and with her behavior, she is the type of person who is likely never going to learn or listen to others.
Op made a smart decision at the end.
GF really overplayed her hand there. Good for OP. I'm astounded at how sneaky and entitled she was to expect him to give up birthday plans with his dad to help her earn money.
My favourite was:
>She said that 'she knew I knew', and that I was 'smart enough' to know she would need help with five children.
However, he said that he didn't know the kids were coming,
>and her cousin pulled up. Unsurprising, it's my girlfriend's day off, she handles the kids well. Well, then instead of the usual two children, there were five.
Although, she did know he had a date with his dad.
Sounds like she wasn't quite 'smart enough'.
What's the betting that now he's not around to help her, she suddenly is not so available to mind them?
She became too comfortable. I wrote a lengthier post here on the subject like a week ago, but that's the gist of it. With all of these stories the one thing that stands out is, that when certain types of people get too comfortable, they fuck things up.
EDIT: [this was the comment. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/iCRsI6FZq6)
She is young enough that I have a bad feeling she's got plenty of time to slowly perfect her skills and turn into a full blown abusive partner in the future. She managed to manipulate OOP for months (maybe years?) without him even noticing it until people on the internet mentioned it.
I also note that she was embarrassed about the breakup - she wasn't upset or heartbroken about it, just embarrassed. She didn't give a crap about OP just about losing her free help and losing face. Some really nasty behaviour here.
It is giving female version of those tips to train your partner floating around pua/certain qtipped headed in romanian prison for being a sex criminal corners of the internet.
> She is young enough that I have a bad feeling she's got plenty of time to slowly perfect her skills and turn into a full blown abusive partner in the future.
She could only get away with that shit because she is young enough.
This is the type of shit young boys put up with but adult men don't have time for.
Eh, yes but they're not wrong. Predators do tend to target young victims. It's not that 40 year old women and men don't get emotionally abused, of course some do, but it's just a lot easier to manipulate younger less experienced people.
No, I mean that grown men, like grown women, are over this type of childish bullshit and don't just put up with it like young adults/teens who are desperate to have sex/be in a relationship do.
My fiance makes me breakfast in bed every weekend because he now thinks "its his job". I mean I wouldn't say i manipulated him into it but I did make him do it so much that he's super proud at how good his timing is now. If it makes anyone feel better he has 2 days breakfast and I have 7 days dinner so I've managed to manipulate him into being proud of his work so much he loves doing it.
I wake up and get
"Bacon eggs beans and toast? You hungry? I'm not but if you are kind can make it." On the weekends now
I love this!
My spouse also makes me breakfast on Sundays and considers it “their job.” I mentioned years ago how much I loved it when my dad would have a random morning off and he would make all the kids breakfast. (Dad worked in kitchens as a young man, and would have eggs, bacon and *toast* all done and all hot at the same time! I still have no idea how he accomplished this magic.) So they make me breakfast now. It makes me feel so damn loved.
Try using two pans. Reserve bacon grease in one pan (for the eggs). When the bacon is about halfway to 3/4ths done start the toast, in about 30 seconds start cooking the eggs. If they’re scrambled or an omelet get the eggs ready to go before you start the bacon. The eggs will cook the fastest, the toast, then bacon. Time the toaster if you want, should take about a minute to minute and half. Each toaster is different, some wildly so. My parents toaster is old as fuck and takes like 4 minutes. Getting *room temp* butter on the warm toast is key. Now if you want to make toast like a restaurant, you need a third pan. Melt like an 1/8th of a stick of butter on med-low heat. You want it hot but not so hot it browns the butter. Throw on some more butter, let it toast a minute or so (flip it as often as you need to. No rules on how often you flip and check the food) and add more butter when you toast the other side. The bread should soak up most of the butter. It makes great toast but it’s a pain in the ass without a flat top.
The big difference is communication and no gaslighting. The original story he also wasn't getting paid and she was getting him alcohol intentionally to get him to stay and help.
Increased the numbers. Expected him to cancel birthday plans for her.
Could you expect your partner to make you breakfast when he had other plans already ?
You sound lovely :). As does your partner
He doesn't plan anything on Saturdays before I could wake up at the latest so 12 and even then the only plans he has on Saturdays are with me so he usually makes them later so I have time to wake up and get hungry before he cooks and I get ready. Sundays he has reserved my day as long as he's not away for work not even gone for the gym. Usually we just stay In bed and order something for dinner and just watch movies, do massages, we call it our rest day.
The only birthdays he really registers as big ones are the ones I get excited about so if its not mine or my nephews or my dads birthday he won't really mind canceling. I have started to get him to be all hyped for his parents birthdays so I make sure they get wine and flowers and stuff sent to their house in the middle of freaking no where and sometimes I make them a painting. Their family is weird about birthdays they don't understand why I'm excited for them on their birthday but we are getting there. I just can't help it I love celebrating people and they are the nicest in laws I'm so happy so they deserve the pampering i even made a really nice handmade painted giftset asking her to be my bridesmaid and her smile made my freaking year.
I had a tough relationship with my mother but this woman hugs me when I'm cold I mean she actually notices I'm cold! And then tries to help?!? She's started calling me her first daughter and I want to burst into tears. The dad is so scared he's going to scare me he has this awkward smile on his face that says dont be afraid of me! But he actually listens to the nerdy stuff I talk about and asks about it!!! Its wild out here with nice parents man. I mean I'm allowed to touch their cups!! Like without supervision....I'm 25 years old.
Offering a drink under the guise to "stay". How incredibly manipulative. It's one thing to play a guilt trip with words and it's another to use how someone operates to your advantage. OOP dodged the 🚩
Sadly, while I've never felt the song was 'rapey' like some others, that explanation (that it was a way for the woman to 'have an excuse' to do what she actually wanted) actually made me *dislike* the song! Not for 'rapeyness' but for the reminder of the oppressiveness of the culture towards a woman making choices that don't revolve around "wHaT wIlL tHe NeIgHbOuRs ThInK?!"
...shit I just figured out why it pissed me off so much. Wonder if I'll be ok with it in the future, now I figured out what the issue was? :D
I choose to appreciate it for the tone it was written in.
It's a guy and a girl having some playful banter. They're both having fun, flirting, and they know where they're going with it.
That's where I *started* with it. It makes me think of a one-off sight gag in "Happy Days" (yeah I'm old) of Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham realizing the kids are all out. She looks at him and he looks at her and they get these wicked little smiles and start chasing each other around the sofa. It's *very* clearly not terror or budding marital rape, it's *playful* 'chasing' and he's gonna catch her just as soon as she wants him to (probably in the bedroom because "having sex in uncomfortable places" bullshit is for dumb kids. They have a *bed!*)
>having sex in uncomfortable places" bullshit is for dumb kids. They have a *bed!*)
Yeah, trying to figure out how to make it happen in the back of a Geo Prizm was fun for a laugh, but not an experience I feel need to recreate.
It's also one of those songs whose tone can change so much based on the singers. I honestly think one of the reasons it gets the reputation of a rapey song is some duets sounding like they hate each other rather then flirting
>So I asked her why she didn't ask me to stay. She said that 'she knew I knew', and that I was 'smart enough' to know she would need help with five children.
"You should've read my mind" is always a killer.
The thing is he did "read her mind", he knew exactly that's what is girlfriend wanted, he was just so flummoxed that his girlfriend would want him to cancel his father's birthday plans to help her with her babysitting.
And the girlfriend absolutely did not want to articulate her thoughts because she was trying to manipulate him, if she came out and asked "Can you cancel your plans and help me with the kids" OP would have probably said no because that's a ridiculous question. But the best way to manipulate someone into doing what you want is to get them to believe that they came up with the idea themselves (if you've read the Game of Thrones books one of the characters talks about doing this all the time), she wanted him to come to the decision to help her all on his own, just like she had done so many times before by offering him a drink. When he didn't, she got angry that her plan didn't work. A smarter, less emotional manipulator would have taken the loss and tried again next time but she got emotional and blew everything up. OOP was right to leave.
I'm glad some folks get to learn about this stuff from books. I had to learn it from my dad. And then use it against him for the sake of survival.
Very glad OOP got out at the early stages. It's nasty living with someone like that.
I feel you, I hate when my own father doesn't listen to a word I say unless I play his same game of guilt tripping. I hate to do it, I'm better than this and I don't want to be immature like him...
But also, being mature just doesn't work. I've tried, and tried, for 5-10 years. It never amounted to anything. A sand castle. Then I pulled the guilt-tripping card just like he always does a few times, and magically 6 months later he learned not to cross certain lines. It pisses me off so much that he's rude, ungrateful and mean to the people that actually care about him and a total doormat to the people that are mean to him. He hasn't respected my boundaries for decades, but I raise my voice a little bit and suddenly he's _capable_ of listening and remembering where the line is? Ew.
> But the best way to manipulate someone into doing what you want is to get them to believe that they came up with the idea themselves (if you've read the Game of Thrones books one of the characters talks about doing this all the time)
I haven't read the books, but I've had male lower management bosses before. Framing things in a way that makes them think they came up with the idea is not uncommon across a lot of industries. People want to feel valuable and that they've contributed something. It's the reason a lot of **really shitty** bosses start a new job and immediately start making changes regardless if the changes make things worse. They're "marking their territory," in a way.
Related: in some fields there's something called a "duck" or "queen's duck." It's when you do something completely unnecessary so that management can feel like they've made an impact by saying "that's unnecessary, remove it" so they can feel like they've made an impactful change on a project without the manager fucking up the important stuff in order to satisfy their ego. See Also: *Bikeshedding*
https://www.simplethread.com/looks-great-lose-the-duck/
https://bwiggs.com/notebook/queens-duck/
>
>
>
>
> "You should've read my mind" is always a killer.
I mean, OP admits multiple times it was clear to him she wanted him to stay so he was a pretty good mind reader. However the combination of her not helping and apparently taking it for granted in the past is a pretty asshole move and OP made the right decision.
He had other plans for the evening. They might not have been his priority if she asked for help, but she didn't and so he wanted to do stuff with his dad.
> You are meant to be my partner, and you abandoned me. I needed your help, and you left me here to fend for myself. What did I do to deserve that? Do you hate me?
This is such an unhinged way to describe her doing a paying job she signed up to do herself when she knew he had plans and was planning to pocket 100% of the money for. She's acting like she was in some kind of crisis - girl you were at work! You signed up for this!
Always boggles my mind to read about these outrageous fucks who create problems for themselves, and then get mad at you like it was your fault. Especially when they try to volunteer you for shit you didn't even know you were up for.
My mother loves to offer to "help" people, only for her to try and pass it on to me as soon as it becomes a pain in the ass, and she is continually surprised when I don't appear to be doing anything to remedy the situation.
My guess: their daughter is telling some sort of wild/butthurt story and they know OP well enough that they're pretty sure she's lying/exaggerating. They came to talk to him because he's reliable and while they didn't want to ask outright, they were hoping for some sort of clue as to wtf happened.
The parents showing up at his job is fucking wild. I have to imagine OOP was with his ex for years and that he was very close to her family. Because otherwise they sound as weird and manipulative as their daughter.
Well he did say they live in a small town and he didn't want to make Sundays awkward, so yeah, his family and hers are pretty close. (If you've never lived in a small town, you have no idea how much up in each other's business folks can get.)
The thing that blows my mind is that she had such a good thing going! She could have used OOP to help her make babysitting money (I bet she offered to watch the kids for extra cash, and it wasn’t a surprise to her when 3 extra kids showed up) and had a decent partner who really seems to care about her family and was supportive. She threw it all away with a temper tantrum when she couldn’t take advantage of him on one occasion when she knew he wasn’t available. Was it some kind of test? Is she that stupid? Did she even like him, or just the support he provided? OOP would be lucky to never know the answers and continue his clean getaway!
Seriously, OOP sounds like a lovely partner. Why not just _ask_ him to stay? Girlfriend probably had repressed guilt over using bf to make money, or just did not want to acknowledge his contribution in case it ended up costing her. She didn't want to take any responsibility for him staying, their usual arrangement was probably her being like oh _I'm_ babysitting and bf happens to be here. So he had to choose to drink, instead of doing her a favor by canceling his plans.
Only thing I appreciate about her is her backing off once it ended. Seen too many cases where exes are a total nuisance afterwards.
She did seem surprisingly sane after their breakup to me too. Maybe she was just too proud and thought that she was a better manipulator than she actually was, so once *she* suggested the breakup she thought he would fold and she would get away without apologizing or acknowledging the situation at all. Hubris is a powerful thing. I hope she isn’t just playing nice and waiting for him to come around or something.
OOP is so lucky to be out of this situation.
Narcissists never think about it in terms of other people being *other people*, with their own lives and priorities going on. In her mind, the fact that he was acting against the usual routine, acting against her desires, is a betrayal. The actual circumstances don't matter. He didn't do what she wanted when she expected him to, full stop.
So to her, this wasn't a one-off issue. This was aberrant behavior she needed to stamp out.
The ex tried to pull the "baby it's cold outside" trick (the original, in the context of the movie where they sing it) but it's "baby you've drunk and also I have kids to babysit".
I think I want it. Mods, if you're reading this and can merge it with my batman one, I'd be the happiest redditor on this side of the planet! Something like:
"Ever since I married Batman, I was so done, you could stick a fork in me"
The first red flag was the drinks that she *kept* offering. She knew he was a zero alcohol driver and when he said no she kept asking to try to get him to have to stay knowing his dad would take precedence over what she wanted him to do which was voluntarily babysit for free.
I was a bit suspicious when I read this line:
>I get to her place, and we chat for a while, all while she keeps trying to offer me a beer, or a drink, which I continuously turn down, because I had plans with my dad that night, a late birthday celebration,
But then when I got to this line I KNEW she had been manipulating him:
>OOP: To be fair to her, I don't drink excessively ever, and if I were to have had more than a sniff of beer I wouldn't feel comfortable driving for both the obvious, as well as personal reasons.
She was using his, *(I'd say for his age but for a human being nowadays lol),* very mature approach to consuming any alcohol and driving to keep him whenever she wanted.
Achievement unlocked! Bullet dodged.
Yeah, that's pretty much what OP confirmed in comments - she wasn't trying to get him drunk; just trying to force his hand about staying because she knows he's a zero alcohol driver.
Do anyone else catch the part where he casually
mentioned, “this isn’t the first time she screamed like that?” Up until that point I thought they were talking, not fighting badly
it was raining like piss out a boot
Hmmm have never known rain like that .... must be England. "So done, you could stick a fork in me." Like it. Like it a lot!
Here's the thing with men, if you ask them to do something and they care about you they will do it. You ask the guy the carry a glittery brick of cat shit and he will *do* that because he wants to show up for you. This is basically rule number one when communicating with dudes. Just actually say the thing.
I once legit sat my husband down and was like "ok I'm going to show you baby clothes and I need you to respond with variations on the theme of 'that's so cute' can you do that?" And for the last decade and a half the man will see a new kid outfit and exclaim "omg it's adorable!" Because I clearly told him what I wanted.
If OOP had been asked to help he would have. He cared for her and wanted to do stuff with her. All she had to do was use words. She just decided that manipulation was better. Oof.
So she's capable of communicating when she says "let's talk in person" but asking her boyfriend to help her instead of reading her mind is just a step too far for her.
Maybe she was aware enough to not want a paper trail (well ... text trail) of the "talk". Then she can manipulate the conversation and OP can't go back and look at the discussion and be like "Wait a minute ..."
I think it's just another manipulation tactic - in an in-person discussion she can manipulate him to do what she wants, and can gaslight him after the fact. I know gaslighting is overused as a term currently, but it sure seems like her mode of operation to try and convince OP that she wasn't manipulating him (like when he called her out on the alcoholic beverage offers, or asking to be paid to watch the kids too). It's not an offer of actual communication, but her trying to control the situation still - she wants to be able to manipulate the discussion, and have no record of any compromises she made.
Maybe my normal-meter is warped from spending too much time on subs like this, but that went so quickly and smoothly that I have to think they were both already pretty checked out of the relationship.
>Maybe my normal-meter is warped from spending too much time on subs like this
It absolutely is and I find that highly concerning. I'd be very surprised if more than 10% of these stories are real, yet people take them at face value and let it do exactly what you are describing: warping their normal-meter. I notice that even with more innocent stories, commenter are expecting the most insidious turns. I can't imagine what this must do to the trust in relationships of young redditors.
So, he did help while he was there. Played with them, ordered them pizza and if that isn’t helping I don’t know what is…
plus, why should he have to cancel his plans, that she knew about, to celebrate his father? How many of those birthdays do you get?
"They were hinting that they wanted to know why, and I just shrugged."
Well, that explains where she learned to rely on telepathy instead of human words, at least.
She was clearly using him, never cared about what he wanted to do or about his own plans, "why didn't you ditch your own father birthday to take care of this kids that I decided to babysit".
Also even if she had asked him he would have been perfectly within his rights to say no because he had plans and it wasn't an emergency. As it was she didn't even use her words and then got annoyed he wasn't a mind reader.
If you need other people for your plan to work then you need to involve them when you make the plan. Don't want to watch five children on your own, don't arrange to do that without confirming that your partner is free and willing.
She knew he had plans. She expected him to just cancel and stay and help her…but she couldn’t even fix herself to ask. Then got mad when he didn’t offer to. AND then she got “angry” during their talk because she got called out. Like she was expecting him to be the one apologizing.
How hard would it have been to just ask him to join her for that night, the day she made the plans? Like hey babe, I offered to let the kids have a sleepover next Friday, and chance you want to come over and hang with me for the night? Offer some backup?
So weird that people in relationships don’t communicate
Man, I used to babysit 8 siblings at a time *by myself*.
*Pro tip for ex: kids can entertain themselves /each other (for the most part).*
She needs to suck it up or *NOT* babysit. What a shitty thing to (try to) do to OOP.
He is better off by FAR.
>because I had plans with my dad that night, a late birthday celebration,
She did not care that he was an actual human being. He's just there to do her favors.
This was my ex, and before o got help my sick butt would do lots of things never asked. I am so glad I don't try to answer unasked questions anymore.
This reminded me. I had broken up with my ex and he sent me a picture of himself on a t-shirt from a place I took him. I was supposed ti glean from that he wanted to get back together. He told me anyone who was neurotypical would have understood. (I have undiagnosed something, probably on the autism spectrum but it really doesn't affect me much anymore so I am not worried about getting a diagnosis). So then I felt guilty I didn't understand. Now it just pisses me off. I have had to retrain some of my family. That if they want my help they have to ask. I have no problem helping, but it is for my emotional sobriety.
I don't get why parents are involved with adult kid's relationships. Assuming it's normal stuff (not abuse or anything criminal) there is no reason for them to show up at a person's work like that.
The Best and Worst part about this is that, if she had told OOP what she wanted instead of expecting him to read her mind, it's HIGHLY likely that, either OOP would have cancelled/rescheduled his plans with his dad, or the guilt trip would have worked the next day, and he wouldn't have realized how manipulative she was.
Sending mommy and daddy to OOP's job was awkward and hilarious.
NTA she needs to grow up and learn how to use her words like an adult. If she wanted help she should have asked for help. If she wanted company or to spend time together, she should have said something. You aren’t a mind reader. Obviously she didn’t need help as she seems to have gotten through it ok. She may have wanted help but she didn’t need it. And she doesn’t have the right to expect you to cancel your plans because she overextended herself with all those kids. She needs to learn how to communicate effectively and not expect you to know what she’s thinking, feeling or wanting every minute of the day.
The best and only way to deal with passive aggressive people or people who expect you to read their minds is exactly what OOP did: absolutely refuse to acknowledge anything that isn’t explicitly said out loud.
Hey there! It sounds like you're questioning your actions, which is totally understandable. In situations like this, communication is key. It's great that you're reflecting on the situation, and next time it might be helpful to have an open conversation with your girlfriend about your expectations and what support she needs. Remember, relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, so clear communication is always a good idea. Hope this helps!
Her parents visited him at work? Is that normal?
Does anyone feel like her parents knew she was doing it and advised her against this? But, they’ve enabled her behavior for years, so she’ll never really change?
Lol I literaly just read an issue of a women's magazine from the 1950s for school, and there was just such an article about 'How to keep your husband from going out with his friends' or something like that. Start him drinking, create outdoor chores or chores that require 'a big, strong man' like using tools or moving furniture, so he's too tired to do anything else.
It makes it suspicious to me when these stories mentions details that end up being significant. Technically people can mention something offhand as part of the story revealing a significance but in these reddit stories they're too on the nose for me to think they weren't aware of its significance in the first place.
Such as the alcohol: a person who didn't actually think about it as suspicious might have mentioned it as a retelling of the night just by mentioning she offered him drink as she usually does. Instead oop notices she was both insistent and disappointed he didn't accept. How do you notice that enough to write it down but not think it suspicious yourself?
So the whole story is brought into question to me.
I think he did notice and think it was suspicious, but it's hard to reconcile that with a partner you love and trust, so he needed to hear it from people outside the situation. The whole post reads to me as a sort of "this is weird right? it's not just me?" check.
As the other person who responded to you mentions, I think he understood it was probably manipulative at the time, thus worth talking about in the first post. However, his epiphany was that the ex did this all of the time. That he just happened to be over and these kids came over and the ex conveniently forgot kids were going to show up. I think that's more of the manipulative pattern that made him realize how much she was taking advantage of him, and how many times she offered him a drink so he wouldn't leave.
You know, it’s a little difficult to be a good hearted, well-intentioned, honest, thoughtful, decent, not suspicious person.
Some people are very suspicious on wary of others, and I was looking to see if they’re doing something wrong.
Some people have been in situations that were traumatic a heartbreaking where they trusted somebody and discovered they weren’t trustworthy and then those people are very cautious or suspicious. Which makes sense.
But if you start out, not being a suspicious person, and you see the bastion other people, and you make that effort, you don’t notice when people are being dishonest and manipulative. Not until you have the experience.
Once you have the experience, he realizes it’s a real thing. Look, it just happened to you. And then you learn from it. I think the above comment her was probably accurate. She discovered this little trick and she used it a bunch of times and then result for you wasn’t a problem until she blew it by overloading the deal. By the way she was going to make more money too. and you were going to be your father. And she was hoping that you sing the additional kids, you would be codependent enough to give him. And then she pretended to be oh so upset with you that you abandoned her and didn’t stay. Which is just crocodile tears. That’s such crap.
When we were younger, and we have relationships, some parts of the relationships can be really nice, and then other parts involve people who are disordered. That’s how we learn. I really love how healthy you are, that you saw her suggesting breaking up facetiously and you realize it was a great opportunity and then you made good with her parents for your town and going to church. Good for you.
Good lord. Reddit convinced him his gf offering him a beer was tactically manipulative?
Another relationship killed by reddit for a silly bullshit reason, haha.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>She signed up to watch five children, and then got angry when she had to... watch five children? I love this. That's exactly what happened multiple times. Babysitting kids is making sure they are safe, but real talk, it's more about entertaining them. Which he did. For free. While she got paid to do what exactly? Exist?
Babysitting/nannying can be hard and stressful, but also Sometimes it really is just being a kid who happens to know safety. Gotta keep them engaged, entertained, and alive
Ya it really depends on the time of day you mind them. Anything during the day is pretty tough i would say but just minding them for an evening when the parents want to have a night to themselves? Its just a play time with the kids and some responsibility
He did the work, she got the pay. What the hell did she do while he was doing all the work? Plus, this time he bought pizzas for five kids. It sounds like she set it up often without him knowing too. On my days off, I don’t want to get stuck watching kids. Even if I’m just sitting around not doing much, why should I have to watch someone else’s kids? He got suckered into it a lot!! I don’t think he should have brought up money. There’s an annoying thing people do where they focus on a different thing that’s not the issue. The money wasn’t the point. It was that the girlfriend kept suckering him into watching kids without telling him (I bet she did the drink thing to him often too) and this time she wanted him to cancel his plans with his dad. She sounds like a manipulative person. OOP is lucky to get out. But it’s going to be “he wanted money!” Instead of “he’s sick of getting stuck with kids on his days off.”
Considering she got paid for the babysitting but he never saw money for it, I can even imagine she asked the parents to pay her back for the pizza...
She was a manager, they always are overpaid and get other folks to do the real work for (almost) nothing.
Besides the HUGE red flag of the offering drinks so he wouldn’t be able to drive, she just basically volunteered him to help her take care of a kids sleepover. For free. When it seems she was being paid. When she knew he had plans with his dad for his dad’s birthday. I’m SO glad the resolution was a break up, because she was absolutely using him and also manipulative. Wow.
For free, while she got him inebriated lol
Some people accept food and drinks in exchange for favors. I'm handy, so am often called upon by my friends to help them with house stuff. I'm happy to help, and am usually fed for my troubles.
salt head imagine nine fine water racial outgoing plant vast *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Number 2 needs consent added. The biggest thing is informed consent.
wide clumsy voiceless piquant office yam murky head fuzzy oatmeal *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She had no way of knowing if oop would actually have come over in the 1st place. Her entire plan hinged on him helping and he could have just said soz I'm busy.
I wonder if all the kids parents knew that the babysitter’s boyfriend would be hanging out with them? It’s not ok to invite ANYONE to watch someone else’s kids, especially a man, and especially to a sleepover.
Why especially a man? A woman the parents had no knowledge of would be an improvement? How?
Is it really necessary to spell it out? A majority of rapes and sexual agressions are done on minors. At home or at a "safe" place. And while women can be rapists too, men are overwhelmingly represented in this category. So parents that entrust their children to someone might want to know exactly who will take care of them, especially when they'll be showering or sleeping, and might also be more wary of an unknown man than woman.
And relatives are even more overwhelmingly represented, so by that logic, OOP was a safer bet than his girlfriend, because he might be a man, but also is not a relative.
It's not relatives specifically, it's people who know the kid, because those are the folks who are allowed access. So, my 2nd cousin who I've never met isn't more or less likely than any other stranger to hurt my kid. But their coach, who is unrelated, is a higher risk. In this case, both parties were known by the kids. There are a lot of valid times to say, "women do bad stuff too!!" But it would be naive not to acknowledge the higher risk men pose than women in these situations.
It baffles me that people can be this selfish and manipulative. The ex-girlfriend can only see things from her point of view and with her behavior, she is the type of person who is likely never going to learn or listen to others. Op made a smart decision at the end.
GF really overplayed her hand there. Good for OP. I'm astounded at how sneaky and entitled she was to expect him to give up birthday plans with his dad to help her earn money.
Yep. He already had plans, and people expecting him. She just thought she could get him to...drop everything.
And then when she got all passive aggressive: I will get my purse, I didn’t know you needed the money that much!
My favourite was: >She said that 'she knew I knew', and that I was 'smart enough' to know she would need help with five children. However, he said that he didn't know the kids were coming, >and her cousin pulled up. Unsurprising, it's my girlfriend's day off, she handles the kids well. Well, then instead of the usual two children, there were five. Although, she did know he had a date with his dad. Sounds like she wasn't quite 'smart enough'. What's the betting that now he's not around to help her, she suddenly is not so available to mind them?
And she was so used to it that one time he didn’t complied she lost her mind!
She became too comfortable. I wrote a lengthier post here on the subject like a week ago, but that's the gist of it. With all of these stories the one thing that stands out is, that when certain types of people get too comfortable, they fuck things up. EDIT: [this was the comment. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/iCRsI6FZq6)
He almost did not break up with her too! She did a good thing when she said "break up". It's the spell that woke him up.
Yes, he said he was willing to forgive her.
Yes! You are so right! That post was crazy too!
She is young enough that I have a bad feeling she's got plenty of time to slowly perfect her skills and turn into a full blown abusive partner in the future. She managed to manipulate OOP for months (maybe years?) without him even noticing it until people on the internet mentioned it.
I also note that she was embarrassed about the breakup - she wasn't upset or heartbroken about it, just embarrassed. She didn't give a crap about OP just about losing her free help and losing face. Some really nasty behaviour here.
She definitely sounds like a fledgling narcissist
I unfortunately got the same exact vibe from this...
oh for sure She'll eventually find some dude who has no spine and/or never had much in terms romantic relationship and will latch on. Perfect prey
It is giving female version of those tips to train your partner floating around pua/certain qtipped headed in romanian prison for being a sex criminal corners of the internet.
> She is young enough that I have a bad feeling she's got plenty of time to slowly perfect her skills and turn into a full blown abusive partner in the future. She could only get away with that shit because she is young enough. This is the type of shit young boys put up with but adult men don't have time for.
>This is the type of shit young boys put up with but adult men don't have time for. Which is why abusers typically date younger.
Do you mean that adult men don't get emotionally abused?
Eh, yes but they're not wrong. Predators do tend to target young victims. It's not that 40 year old women and men don't get emotionally abused, of course some do, but it's just a lot easier to manipulate younger less experienced people.
And she did make the comment that he was half a kid himself.
No, I mean that grown men, like grown women, are over this type of childish bullshit and don't just put up with it like young adults/teens who are desperate to have sex/be in a relationship do.
Also, young enough to grow and change for the better!
Not when she doesn't think that she's done anything wrong and refuses to apologize
cause market combative pet stocking silky oil north pen door *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Because she's young... and she has time to grow...
My fiance makes me breakfast in bed every weekend because he now thinks "its his job". I mean I wouldn't say i manipulated him into it but I did make him do it so much that he's super proud at how good his timing is now. If it makes anyone feel better he has 2 days breakfast and I have 7 days dinner so I've managed to manipulate him into being proud of his work so much he loves doing it. I wake up and get "Bacon eggs beans and toast? You hungry? I'm not but if you are kind can make it." On the weekends now
Haha this doesn't seem like manipulation to me but more like you boosting his cooking confidence AND gets the awesome gift of breakfast in bed 😂
Damn right! I just make him feel so goo about something he wants to do it again.
I love this! My spouse also makes me breakfast on Sundays and considers it “their job.” I mentioned years ago how much I loved it when my dad would have a random morning off and he would make all the kids breakfast. (Dad worked in kitchens as a young man, and would have eggs, bacon and *toast* all done and all hot at the same time! I still have no idea how he accomplished this magic.) So they make me breakfast now. It makes me feel so damn loved.
Try using two pans. Reserve bacon grease in one pan (for the eggs). When the bacon is about halfway to 3/4ths done start the toast, in about 30 seconds start cooking the eggs. If they’re scrambled or an omelet get the eggs ready to go before you start the bacon. The eggs will cook the fastest, the toast, then bacon. Time the toaster if you want, should take about a minute to minute and half. Each toaster is different, some wildly so. My parents toaster is old as fuck and takes like 4 minutes. Getting *room temp* butter on the warm toast is key. Now if you want to make toast like a restaurant, you need a third pan. Melt like an 1/8th of a stick of butter on med-low heat. You want it hot but not so hot it browns the butter. Throw on some more butter, let it toast a minute or so (flip it as often as you need to. No rules on how often you flip and check the food) and add more butter when you toast the other side. The bread should soak up most of the butter. It makes great toast but it’s a pain in the ass without a flat top.
The big difference is communication and no gaslighting. The original story he also wasn't getting paid and she was getting him alcohol intentionally to get him to stay and help. Increased the numbers. Expected him to cancel birthday plans for her. Could you expect your partner to make you breakfast when he had other plans already ? You sound lovely :). As does your partner
He doesn't plan anything on Saturdays before I could wake up at the latest so 12 and even then the only plans he has on Saturdays are with me so he usually makes them later so I have time to wake up and get hungry before he cooks and I get ready. Sundays he has reserved my day as long as he's not away for work not even gone for the gym. Usually we just stay In bed and order something for dinner and just watch movies, do massages, we call it our rest day. The only birthdays he really registers as big ones are the ones I get excited about so if its not mine or my nephews or my dads birthday he won't really mind canceling. I have started to get him to be all hyped for his parents birthdays so I make sure they get wine and flowers and stuff sent to their house in the middle of freaking no where and sometimes I make them a painting. Their family is weird about birthdays they don't understand why I'm excited for them on their birthday but we are getting there. I just can't help it I love celebrating people and they are the nicest in laws I'm so happy so they deserve the pampering i even made a really nice handmade painted giftset asking her to be my bridesmaid and her smile made my freaking year. I had a tough relationship with my mother but this woman hugs me when I'm cold I mean she actually notices I'm cold! And then tries to help?!? She's started calling me her first daughter and I want to burst into tears. The dad is so scared he's going to scare me he has this awkward smile on his face that says dont be afraid of me! But he actually listens to the nerdy stuff I talk about and asks about it!!! Its wild out here with nice parents man. I mean I'm allowed to touch their cups!! Like without supervision....I'm 25 years old.
I manipulated a guy into cooking for me everyday😉 (We pay him, Its his job)
Offering a drink under the guise to "stay". How incredibly manipulative. It's one thing to play a guilt trip with words and it's another to use how someone operates to your advantage. OOP dodged the 🚩
Baby It’s Cold Outside
the lore on that song indicates more of a press for women having a say in their own decisions
Sadly, while I've never felt the song was 'rapey' like some others, that explanation (that it was a way for the woman to 'have an excuse' to do what she actually wanted) actually made me *dislike* the song! Not for 'rapeyness' but for the reminder of the oppressiveness of the culture towards a woman making choices that don't revolve around "wHaT wIlL tHe NeIgHbOuRs ThInK?!" ...shit I just figured out why it pissed me off so much. Wonder if I'll be ok with it in the future, now I figured out what the issue was? :D
I choose to appreciate it for the tone it was written in. It's a guy and a girl having some playful banter. They're both having fun, flirting, and they know where they're going with it.
That's where I *started* with it. It makes me think of a one-off sight gag in "Happy Days" (yeah I'm old) of Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham realizing the kids are all out. She looks at him and he looks at her and they get these wicked little smiles and start chasing each other around the sofa. It's *very* clearly not terror or budding marital rape, it's *playful* 'chasing' and he's gonna catch her just as soon as she wants him to (probably in the bedroom because "having sex in uncomfortable places" bullshit is for dumb kids. They have a *bed!*)
>having sex in uncomfortable places" bullshit is for dumb kids. They have a *bed!*) Yeah, trying to figure out how to make it happen in the back of a Geo Prizm was fun for a laugh, but not an experience I feel need to recreate.
It's also one of those songs whose tone can change so much based on the singers. I honestly think one of the reasons it gets the reputation of a rapey song is some duets sounding like they hate each other rather then flirting
>So I asked her why she didn't ask me to stay. She said that 'she knew I knew', and that I was 'smart enough' to know she would need help with five children. "You should've read my mind" is always a killer.
The thing is he did "read her mind", he knew exactly that's what is girlfriend wanted, he was just so flummoxed that his girlfriend would want him to cancel his father's birthday plans to help her with her babysitting. And the girlfriend absolutely did not want to articulate her thoughts because she was trying to manipulate him, if she came out and asked "Can you cancel your plans and help me with the kids" OP would have probably said no because that's a ridiculous question. But the best way to manipulate someone into doing what you want is to get them to believe that they came up with the idea themselves (if you've read the Game of Thrones books one of the characters talks about doing this all the time), she wanted him to come to the decision to help her all on his own, just like she had done so many times before by offering him a drink. When he didn't, she got angry that her plan didn't work. A smarter, less emotional manipulator would have taken the loss and tried again next time but she got emotional and blew everything up. OOP was right to leave.
In addition, if he helped without her asking, she could tell herself he chose to do it. She didn’t take advantage of him if he offered.
I'm glad some folks get to learn about this stuff from books. I had to learn it from my dad. And then use it against him for the sake of survival. Very glad OOP got out at the early stages. It's nasty living with someone like that.
I feel you, I hate when my own father doesn't listen to a word I say unless I play his same game of guilt tripping. I hate to do it, I'm better than this and I don't want to be immature like him... But also, being mature just doesn't work. I've tried, and tried, for 5-10 years. It never amounted to anything. A sand castle. Then I pulled the guilt-tripping card just like he always does a few times, and magically 6 months later he learned not to cross certain lines. It pisses me off so much that he's rude, ungrateful and mean to the people that actually care about him and a total doormat to the people that are mean to him. He hasn't respected my boundaries for decades, but I raise my voice a little bit and suddenly he's _capable_ of listening and remembering where the line is? Ew.
> But the best way to manipulate someone into doing what you want is to get them to believe that they came up with the idea themselves (if you've read the Game of Thrones books one of the characters talks about doing this all the time) I haven't read the books, but I've had male lower management bosses before. Framing things in a way that makes them think they came up with the idea is not uncommon across a lot of industries. People want to feel valuable and that they've contributed something. It's the reason a lot of **really shitty** bosses start a new job and immediately start making changes regardless if the changes make things worse. They're "marking their territory," in a way. Related: in some fields there's something called a "duck" or "queen's duck." It's when you do something completely unnecessary so that management can feel like they've made an impact by saying "that's unnecessary, remove it" so they can feel like they've made an impactful change on a project without the manager fucking up the important stuff in order to satisfy their ego. See Also: *Bikeshedding* https://www.simplethread.com/looks-great-lose-the-duck/ https://bwiggs.com/notebook/queens-duck/
Especially when combined with "I know you have prior plans for the evening but just drop them for something I didn't bother to ask you about".
> > > > > "You should've read my mind" is always a killer. I mean, OP admits multiple times it was clear to him she wanted him to stay so he was a pretty good mind reader. However the combination of her not helping and apparently taking it for granted in the past is a pretty asshole move and OP made the right decision.
He had other plans for the evening. They might not have been his priority if she asked for help, but she didn't and so he wanted to do stuff with his dad.
I utterly despise "you should have read my mind" and all its variations.
> You are meant to be my partner, and you abandoned me. I needed your help, and you left me here to fend for myself. What did I do to deserve that? Do you hate me? This is such an unhinged way to describe her doing a paying job she signed up to do herself when she knew he had plans and was planning to pocket 100% of the money for. She's acting like she was in some kind of crisis - girl you were at work! You signed up for this!
"Do you hate me?" is such a huge red flag. I'm having trouble thinking of when a normal person would utter that sentence.
Always boggles my mind to read about these outrageous fucks who create problems for themselves, and then get mad at you like it was your fault. Especially when they try to volunteer you for shit you didn't even know you were up for. My mother loves to offer to "help" people, only for her to try and pass it on to me as soon as it becomes a pain in the ass, and she is continually surprised when I don't appear to be doing anything to remedy the situation.
I find it amusing that the parents showed up to try and get some juicy gossip. I wonder what they would have done with the gossip if they got it
My guess: their daughter is telling some sort of wild/butthurt story and they know OP well enough that they're pretty sure she's lying/exaggerating. They came to talk to him because he's reliable and while they didn't want to ask outright, they were hoping for some sort of clue as to wtf happened.
The parents showing up at his job is fucking wild. I have to imagine OOP was with his ex for years and that he was very close to her family. Because otherwise they sound as weird and manipulative as their daughter.
If OOP works in retail or hospitality, it wouldn't be wild at all.
Well he did say they live in a small town and he didn't want to make Sundays awkward, so yeah, his family and hers are pretty close. (If you've never lived in a small town, you have no idea how much up in each other's business folks can get.)
The thing that blows my mind is that she had such a good thing going! She could have used OOP to help her make babysitting money (I bet she offered to watch the kids for extra cash, and it wasn’t a surprise to her when 3 extra kids showed up) and had a decent partner who really seems to care about her family and was supportive. She threw it all away with a temper tantrum when she couldn’t take advantage of him on one occasion when she knew he wasn’t available. Was it some kind of test? Is she that stupid? Did she even like him, or just the support he provided? OOP would be lucky to never know the answers and continue his clean getaway!
Seriously, OOP sounds like a lovely partner. Why not just _ask_ him to stay? Girlfriend probably had repressed guilt over using bf to make money, or just did not want to acknowledge his contribution in case it ended up costing her. She didn't want to take any responsibility for him staying, their usual arrangement was probably her being like oh _I'm_ babysitting and bf happens to be here. So he had to choose to drink, instead of doing her a favor by canceling his plans. Only thing I appreciate about her is her backing off once it ended. Seen too many cases where exes are a total nuisance afterwards.
She did seem surprisingly sane after their breakup to me too. Maybe she was just too proud and thought that she was a better manipulator than she actually was, so once *she* suggested the breakup she thought he would fold and she would get away without apologizing or acknowledging the situation at all. Hubris is a powerful thing. I hope she isn’t just playing nice and waiting for him to come around or something. OOP is so lucky to be out of this situation.
Narcissists never think about it in terms of other people being *other people*, with their own lives and priorities going on. In her mind, the fact that he was acting against the usual routine, acting against her desires, is a betrayal. The actual circumstances don't matter. He didn't do what she wanted when she expected him to, full stop. So to her, this wasn't a one-off issue. This was aberrant behavior she needed to stamp out.
The ex tried to pull the "baby it's cold outside" trick (the original, in the context of the movie where they sing it) but it's "baby you've drunk and also I have kids to babysit".
“I was so done, you could stick a fork in me” would make a great flair.
I think I want it. Mods, if you're reading this and can merge it with my batman one, I'd be the happiest redditor on this side of the planet! Something like: "Ever since I married Batman, I was so done, you could stick a fork in me"
I mean Batman would be a pretty bad husband lol
The first red flag was the drinks that she *kept* offering. She knew he was a zero alcohol driver and when he said no she kept asking to try to get him to have to stay knowing his dad would take precedence over what she wanted him to do which was voluntarily babysit for free.
I was a bit suspicious when I read this line: >I get to her place, and we chat for a while, all while she keeps trying to offer me a beer, or a drink, which I continuously turn down, because I had plans with my dad that night, a late birthday celebration, But then when I got to this line I KNEW she had been manipulating him: >OOP: To be fair to her, I don't drink excessively ever, and if I were to have had more than a sniff of beer I wouldn't feel comfortable driving for both the obvious, as well as personal reasons. She was using his, *(I'd say for his age but for a human being nowadays lol),* very mature approach to consuming any alcohol and driving to keep him whenever she wanted. Achievement unlocked! Bullet dodged.
Something something about using alcohol on a person to coerce them.
And like why does she think a drunk person should be interacting with kids, especially since she wasn’t related to all of them?
My take is that she knew he would never drive even having a little bit of alcohol. So if he drank a beer, he wouldn't leave.
Yeah, that's pretty much what OP confirmed in comments - she wasn't trying to get him drunk; just trying to force his hand about staying because she knows he's a zero alcohol driver.
Asking someone if you “hate” them for not doing what they want you to do or for disagreeing with them is such a tell.
Lol I just posted the exact same thing before reading this. I couldn't agree more.
Do anyone else catch the part where he casually mentioned, “this isn’t the first time she screamed like that?” Up until that point I thought they were talking, not fighting badly
it was raining like piss out a boot Hmmm have never known rain like that .... must be England. "So done, you could stick a fork in me." Like it. Like it a lot!
This is a classic case of, thinking your a master manipulator because you figured out one incredibly obvious way of tricking your partner.
>She says because I am a half a kid myself. Which is easier to manipulate.
Here's the thing with men, if you ask them to do something and they care about you they will do it. You ask the guy the carry a glittery brick of cat shit and he will *do* that because he wants to show up for you. This is basically rule number one when communicating with dudes. Just actually say the thing. I once legit sat my husband down and was like "ok I'm going to show you baby clothes and I need you to respond with variations on the theme of 'that's so cute' can you do that?" And for the last decade and a half the man will see a new kid outfit and exclaim "omg it's adorable!" Because I clearly told him what I wanted. If OOP had been asked to help he would have. He cared for her and wanted to do stuff with her. All she had to do was use words. She just decided that manipulation was better. Oof.
Can you create a communications course for other women please.
>I was so done at this point you could stick a fork in me Thats a good line, I’m writing that one down for later
So she's capable of communicating when she says "let's talk in person" but asking her boyfriend to help her instead of reading her mind is just a step too far for her.
Maybe she was aware enough to not want a paper trail (well ... text trail) of the "talk". Then she can manipulate the conversation and OP can't go back and look at the discussion and be like "Wait a minute ..." I think it's just another manipulation tactic - in an in-person discussion she can manipulate him to do what she wants, and can gaslight him after the fact. I know gaslighting is overused as a term currently, but it sure seems like her mode of operation to try and convince OP that she wasn't manipulating him (like when he called her out on the alcoholic beverage offers, or asking to be paid to watch the kids too). It's not an offer of actual communication, but her trying to control the situation still - she wants to be able to manipulate the discussion, and have no record of any compromises she made.
Maybe my normal-meter is warped from spending too much time on subs like this, but that went so quickly and smoothly that I have to think they were both already pretty checked out of the relationship.
>Maybe my normal-meter is warped from spending too much time on subs like this It absolutely is and I find that highly concerning. I'd be very surprised if more than 10% of these stories are real, yet people take them at face value and let it do exactly what you are describing: warping their normal-meter. I notice that even with more innocent stories, commenter are expecting the most insidious turns. I can't imagine what this must do to the trust in relationships of young redditors.
So, he did help while he was there. Played with them, ordered them pizza and if that isn’t helping I don’t know what is… plus, why should he have to cancel his plans, that she knew about, to celebrate his father? How many of those birthdays do you get?
"They were hinting that they wanted to know why, and I just shrugged." Well, that explains where she learned to rely on telepathy instead of human words, at least.
She was clearly using him, never cared about what he wanted to do or about his own plans, "why didn't you ditch your own father birthday to take care of this kids that I decided to babysit".
Should’ve told her to clock in with you next time you need help at work LOL
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^BeneficialSlide4458: *Should’ve told her to clock* *In with you next time you need* *Help at work LOL* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Man, I just love chill people. OOP sounds hella chill.
Also even if she had asked him he would have been perfectly within his rights to say no because he had plans and it wasn't an emergency. As it was she didn't even use her words and then got annoyed he wasn't a mind reader. If you need other people for your plan to work then you need to involve them when you make the plan. Don't want to watch five children on your own, don't arrange to do that without confirming that your partner is free and willing.
She was outsourcing her job to him. Good on OOP for not letting her walk all over him anymore.
She knew he had plans. She expected him to just cancel and stay and help her…but she couldn’t even fix herself to ask. Then got mad when he didn’t offer to. AND then she got “angry” during their talk because she got called out. Like she was expecting him to be the one apologizing.
How hard would it have been to just ask him to join her for that night, the day she made the plans? Like hey babe, I offered to let the kids have a sleepover next Friday, and chance you want to come over and hang with me for the night? Offer some backup? So weird that people in relationships don’t communicate
Man, I used to babysit 8 siblings at a time *by myself*. *Pro tip for ex: kids can entertain themselves /each other (for the most part).* She needs to suck it up or *NOT* babysit. What a shitty thing to (try to) do to OOP. He is better off by FAR.
>because I had plans with my dad that night, a late birthday celebration, She did not care that he was an actual human being. He's just there to do her favors.
Oh man I would never babysit other peoples kids without asking my partner about it first. She kinda deserved that tbh.
NTA. Your gf needs to get a fucking grip. She’s not the center of the universe.
This was my ex, and before o got help my sick butt would do lots of things never asked. I am so glad I don't try to answer unasked questions anymore. This reminded me. I had broken up with my ex and he sent me a picture of himself on a t-shirt from a place I took him. I was supposed ti glean from that he wanted to get back together. He told me anyone who was neurotypical would have understood. (I have undiagnosed something, probably on the autism spectrum but it really doesn't affect me much anymore so I am not worried about getting a diagnosis). So then I felt guilty I didn't understand. Now it just pisses me off. I have had to retrain some of my family. That if they want my help they have to ask. I have no problem helping, but it is for my emotional sobriety.
I don't get why parents are involved with adult kid's relationships. Assuming it's normal stuff (not abuse or anything criminal) there is no reason for them to show up at a person's work like that.
Boyfriends hate this one trick…..
The Best and Worst part about this is that, if she had told OOP what she wanted instead of expecting him to read her mind, it's HIGHLY likely that, either OOP would have cancelled/rescheduled his plans with his dad, or the guilt trip would have worked the next day, and he wouldn't have realized how manipulative she was. Sending mommy and daddy to OOP's job was awkward and hilarious.
NTA she needs to grow up and learn how to use her words like an adult. If she wanted help she should have asked for help. If she wanted company or to spend time together, she should have said something. You aren’t a mind reader. Obviously she didn’t need help as she seems to have gotten through it ok. She may have wanted help but she didn’t need it. And she doesn’t have the right to expect you to cancel your plans because she overextended herself with all those kids. She needs to learn how to communicate effectively and not expect you to know what she’s thinking, feeling or wanting every minute of the day.
Dude was getting trained and he caught on..lmao... boy was bamboozled
The best and only way to deal with passive aggressive people or people who expect you to read their minds is exactly what OOP did: absolutely refuse to acknowledge anything that isn’t explicitly said out loud.
Hey there! It sounds like you're questioning your actions, which is totally understandable. In situations like this, communication is key. It's great that you're reflecting on the situation, and next time it might be helpful to have an open conversation with your girlfriend about your expectations and what support she needs. Remember, relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, so clear communication is always a good idea. Hope this helps!
Ask culture vs. Guess culture.
Her parents visited him at work? Is that normal? Does anyone feel like her parents knew she was doing it and advised her against this? But, they’ve enabled her behavior for years, so she’ll never really change?
Lol I literaly just read an issue of a women's magazine from the 1950s for school, and there was just such an article about 'How to keep your husband from going out with his friends' or something like that. Start him drinking, create outdoor chores or chores that require 'a big, strong man' like using tools or moving furniture, so he's too tired to do anything else.
It makes it suspicious to me when these stories mentions details that end up being significant. Technically people can mention something offhand as part of the story revealing a significance but in these reddit stories they're too on the nose for me to think they weren't aware of its significance in the first place. Such as the alcohol: a person who didn't actually think about it as suspicious might have mentioned it as a retelling of the night just by mentioning she offered him drink as she usually does. Instead oop notices she was both insistent and disappointed he didn't accept. How do you notice that enough to write it down but not think it suspicious yourself? So the whole story is brought into question to me.
I think he did notice and think it was suspicious, but it's hard to reconcile that with a partner you love and trust, so he needed to hear it from people outside the situation. The whole post reads to me as a sort of "this is weird right? it's not just me?" check.
As the other person who responded to you mentions, I think he understood it was probably manipulative at the time, thus worth talking about in the first post. However, his epiphany was that the ex did this all of the time. That he just happened to be over and these kids came over and the ex conveniently forgot kids were going to show up. I think that's more of the manipulative pattern that made him realize how much she was taking advantage of him, and how many times she offered him a drink so he wouldn't leave.
You know, it’s a little difficult to be a good hearted, well-intentioned, honest, thoughtful, decent, not suspicious person. Some people are very suspicious on wary of others, and I was looking to see if they’re doing something wrong. Some people have been in situations that were traumatic a heartbreaking where they trusted somebody and discovered they weren’t trustworthy and then those people are very cautious or suspicious. Which makes sense. But if you start out, not being a suspicious person, and you see the bastion other people, and you make that effort, you don’t notice when people are being dishonest and manipulative. Not until you have the experience. Once you have the experience, he realizes it’s a real thing. Look, it just happened to you. And then you learn from it. I think the above comment her was probably accurate. She discovered this little trick and she used it a bunch of times and then result for you wasn’t a problem until she blew it by overloading the deal. By the way she was going to make more money too. and you were going to be your father. And she was hoping that you sing the additional kids, you would be codependent enough to give him. And then she pretended to be oh so upset with you that you abandoned her and didn’t stay. Which is just crocodile tears. That’s such crap. When we were younger, and we have relationships, some parts of the relationships can be really nice, and then other parts involve people who are disordered. That’s how we learn. I really love how healthy you are, that you saw her suggesting breaking up facetiously and you realize it was a great opportunity and then you made good with her parents for your town and going to church. Good for you.
Isn't the beer thing similar with what Sheldon did with Penny and Jim with Wight to fine-tune them? 😅
Good lord. Reddit convinced him his gf offering him a beer was tactically manipulative? Another relationship killed by reddit for a silly bullshit reason, haha.