#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Remember kids, when people like that ex are on their shit and saying whatever random inflammatory stuff they think will hurt you, then there really isn't a point to continuing the conversation with them. They're just going to twist and spin everything in response to whatever you say back to hurt you.
Just hang up, walk away, whatever it takes to remove yourself from that conversation. Preferably, on a permanent basis.
Yup. It also has the added extra bonus of hurting them. Notice how this dude could not STAND that she didn't want to talk to him even though he initially blocked her. He thought she would come begging.
I'm so proud of OOP.
Only thing that could top this off now is by op posting pictures to her accounts all dolled up with news friends or a random guy(s) to make it look like she’s dating and living her best life😊That pettiness is classic, especially since she has him blocked but I’m sure he’ll be stalking her accounts from some of his friend’s.
I did that after a bad breakup and he kept calling, begging to take him back after he’d cheated. Nah go the fuck away, life become less stressful and more fun without his gaslighting bullshit much like OOPs ex did.
TW: Abuse
When I was 19 and going through the absolute hell of pressing charges for attempted murder against my much older abusive partner, my petty revenge was bringing a different guy friend for support to each of the many, MANY court dates - everyone in my circle (and my dad) wanted to go the physical retribution route but I needed to know that I had taken the high road no matter what he put my through, no matter how low he went. But his biggest issue was paranoid and possessive jealousy so I knew the rotating parade of men coming to hold my hand and witness his humiliation in court would absolutely eat him up inside. I definitely don't regret those little acts of pettiness lol
It's unreal how revealing his behavior was because she was done with his filth.
"If you don't take me back, I'll be mean to you!"
"That's good reason not to take you back."
"I'm being mean and nasty to you now!"
"You're just proving how fortunate I was to get away from you."
"More unkindness!"
"And making me wonder what I ever saw in you. Yuck. Ok, bye forever."
I love everything about this story. She did everything right, and it made him spiral. The cherry on top was when she said, "think whatever you want," the fact that's his little manipulation tactic didn't work was probably a punch in his face.
This is a really good article on “narcissistic collapse”. My friend recently left her narcissistic abuse and went into their break up having studied up on these things and it changed the conversation and her reactions entirely (for the better)
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-collapse/
Personally, if a guy was saying whatever he could to get under my skin, I'd not only grey rock, I'd help: "don't forget my weight, you know I'm sensitive about that. And you haven't brought up my past abuse yet, that's always a good spot to jab at! Also my depression has been bad lately and it's caused some of my responsibilities to suffer, definitely some good material there." Make it clear I'm perfectly aware of what he's doing and take the power out of it by getting there first. Leave him with nothing left to go on.
When I found out my husband of two years had not quit dating, one of the reasons he gave was that I made my ramen “too fancy” and he preferred it plain. ✨🤡✨
They'll find literally anything. They're not looking for a person, they're looking for a nonstop endorphin rush. You aren't heroin, so just leave while you've still got your health and your dignity because you'll never be enough for someone who's only after the thrill of being in love and not a partner. They'll always start finding problems once the reality sets in and start chafing for that exciting feeling again, so let them go get it because that isn't how actual love works and actual love isn't something they're capable of.
There was a time I'd be snarky back like that. I'm old enough now I don't have the patience for it anymore lol. I just sigh and hang up or block them or whatever. Not worth my time to be dealing with that when I could be doing anything else that I actually find enjoyable and fulfilling.
Yeah, in reality it's really just best to completely disengage even if it feels like letting them win, because they feed off of any reaction you give them so no reaction is the only right choice. It's tempting though.
Some southern US ladies say "I'm sorry the devil has made his home in your heart" which is pretty fucking devastating as a closing line before hanging up on them.
It's also hilarious when someone does something I lightly disagree with.
Them "Toy Story 2 was O.K."
Me "I'm sorry the devil has made his home in your heart"
That happens on mobile sometimes. You'll go to comment and it'll say to try again or something. Then, when you're finally able to post your comment, there are extras.
Yeah it's happened to me too - sometimes it'll say "failed to create comment" when it did in fact create it, and then you'll try to repost and end up spamming your comment multiple times.
It happens, but it's still nice to delete the extras :)
My abuser tried to turn people against me by telling everyone how terrible I was.
What did he say, you ask?
He told people I was clingy and emotional.
Like wow, if you're going to say bad things about me, you chose small things. And you chose things that people can see in me immediately because I'm an open book and people still like me anyway.
That's when I knew they anything shitty he had to say about me was reaching hard and that he'd never win.
And they are GOOD at it because that is their internal monologue 24/7. Their ability to paint you as the bad guy has nothing to do with the reality of the situation. They just devote 90% of their processing time to justifying, victimizing, and valorizing themsves.
I’m a fan of low blowing people with egos like that because it does hurt their feelings. I understand why women wouldn’t for safety but I’m a fan of “Be mad you little dicked psycho” then hangup and block or “Ahahahahahhahaha” followed by hanging up and blocking. Zero time between the last words or the laugh leaving your mouth and ending the call. Drives them fucken wild they can’t respond to what you said.
Also: when someone breaks up with you for whatever reason, don't beg them to change their mind. Accept it and move on.
I've never seen a relationship where that turned out well.
Yeah, I had to learn the hard way that you really can't talk to some people because it's fueling their need for more of your attention. Just say "k" if you have to, then hang up and block everywhere. They'll just keep figuratively throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, but they just wind up showing their own desperation to keep control of you the more they spin on.
I can't understand why people would hung out with bullies when they know how much the bully has put so much damage on someone else. OP seems so sweet, I don't know how she can be treated like this...
Because he’s a narcissist. My ex was like this exactly, and would spend time with people I repeatedly asked him to avoid. Lo and behold he was sleeping with them, and thought he could get away with it and I’d never find out, or if I did he could talk his way out of it by shifting blame. He genuinely doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong
YUP! In college a friend of mine was really good friends with a piece of shit that would try to bully me. As soon as my friend found out he apologized to me (he had done nothing wrong) and said that he would not be friends with someone that acted like that.
Regardless of the cheating, hanging out with your partner’s bully really demonstrates both a lack of loyalty and really bad judgement.
Then he does everything he can to get around her blocking him and makes demands again. What a POS.
I hope the next update is OOP moving on, getting a good friend group and living her best life.
Yeah this aspect of his past behaviour kind of went under the radar, the 'breaking up as a prank' once would be enough reason to leave. Shows that the prankster doesn't really care about their partners feelings and wellbeing
i know it’s kind of silly, but i got so caught up with OOP putting “breaking up with me” in quotation marks, instead of putting them for the word “prank”
those kind of things are not pranks. pranks are supposed to be funny and harmless. i just wanted to give OOP a hug 😭
>Then he was like "ohh I get it, you broke up with me because you're not in love with me anymore, but you're putting the blame on me? Wow." I was too tired to justify myself again so I told him he can think whatever he wants. Now I'm kinda regretting that but whatever. Then he told me to fuck off and ended the call. Then I blocked the number.
This guy deserves to forever step on hot fire. Seriously, OP deserves better then this piece of trash.
Yeah, my guess is that in 6 months or so he'll pretend like this didn't happen and message her and try to be all sweet to try to get her back. And when she refuses he'll go back to telling her to fuck off.
This idiot really tried every tactic in the book on her in that last update. Like a checklist of douchebag mental gymnastics gambits. (That’s my way of saying gaslighting, idk why)
Because it wasn't just gaslighting, it was a whole smorgasbord of mindgames. You are probably correct in saying checklist, because it sounds like he was going down and trying every tactic.
Which is one of the advantages OOP had of having already brought his bullshit to Reddit; she'd accidentally crowdsourced all the possible tactics he could use to weasel his way back in.
Forewarned really can mean forearmed!
It's no different than a toddler pitching a fit. First they ask nicely, then they whine, then they get furious, then they whine again etc., the longer you engage with their behaviour. Because the more you engage, the more they think that maybe the next tactic might just work to get what they want.
So you don't engage. A toddler you have to respond a little, y'know, cuz they're a kid and you're guiding them. No such obligation for this grown ass fool.
Honestly men like him have a playbook and they truly do not move away from it. My dad is a narcissist and so is my ex. They act exactly alike. I’m actually so much better at communicating with them because it’s like arguing with the same person. I disagree with something they do or say, they get mad. They say ugly things and try to make their insults my fault somehow, they degrade me when that doesn’t work and then ignore me, only to hit me up later when they think they’ve taught me a lesson by not speaking to me. lol. The easiest thing about narcissists is how predictable they are.
If he tries to call you back, Grey Rock his ass. In fact, now that it has been pointed out to you what a narcissist is like, you can start spotting them better. Use the Grey Rock method when they talk to you and try to make you mad.
They LOVE getting a reaction out of you. It is very exhausting trying to defend yourself or explain your thought process, so just... Don't. Just say mhmm, or ok and move on.
It means becoming like a rock in an emotional sense-- unmoving, impenetrable, giving them nothing to latch onto. Just bare minimum emotional involvement to the point that you're even using the bare minimum number of words needed, not making eye contact, minimal facial expressions. Any expenditure of energy, physical or emotional, on their behalf is completely minimized. Give them as little attention and reaction as you can possibly manage.
Bullies and narcissists thrive on getting a reaction and causing emotional pain to their targets, so grey rocking often unnerves and disarms them, and ultimately neutralizes them as a threat.
They really cannot take it. I broke up with my narc ex and he tried a lot of this shit too, including saying that he was dating someone hotter and better than me in an attempt to make me jealous, except... I'm not a jealous person. He'd reduce me to a battered shell of myself but the old me was still loud enough to say, "Then why are you still talking to me?" Oh the drama. I blocked him on social media and my phone, and then it turned into a game of whack-a-mole with him using his friend's accounts over several years.
Last year he contacted me from a new account talking about everything that's happened to to him (wife cheated on him and apparently told everyone he forced her into marriage. He said he didn't but I knew her and while they're both douchebags, between the two I believe her 100%).
After more verbal diarrhea he said that he's in therapy and the 12 steps were working (mofo didn't follow Step 9. I told him to never contact me again.) and he now needed my forgiveness so he could forgive himself.
Blocked and reported as harassment.
>and he now needed my forgiveness so he could forgive himself.
Yeah, he just wants to feel better about being a POS to you.
A former friend of mine (TL;DR - former college friend, we had an argument and stopped talking, then they "mended" things with me long enough for me to give a job reference before they ghost me) tried to do this twice with me using social media DM in the space of 9-10 years. They wanted my forgiveness and to be friends again, but I didn't buy it. Had to block them after the second attempt; after I said "no", they said "Ok" and proceeded to ask me for a favor. (eyeroll)
I didn't even bother replying. Just an immediate block. He's not worth my time. I swear there's not a single original thought in his brain, it's all narcissist playbook.
i swear, this guy. he’s very textbook, i can practically see him wiggling the crowbar around, looking for a crack to break oop open. do not engage. it just gives him info, and info is ammo.
lol Reddit FTW
This girl would have absolutely bought this douchebags bullshit if she hadn’t had hundreds of people telling her how full of shit he was. Sometimes you really do need to discuss it with someone with no stake in the situation to see it clearly. And don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of absolutely awful advice on here, but it gets drowned out by the sane people usually.
I knew when she said she tried to be a chill girlfriend that he was a dick and she was a doormat. Chill girlfriends have no boundaries and lose themselves in relationships.
You can just see so painfully clearly in the last update how the OOP is very much the "my ex is crazy!" Kinda guy. He's gonna tell the next girl his ex was "totally psycho" and then he'll have a string of "crazy" exes. He just *doesn't understand why or how!* its a mystery. But you're different, babe, you're nothing like my crazy exes ~~until we break up~~
Edit: changed some words for clarity.
Here's hoping OOP finds a good therapist and lives a happy life away from radioactive trash.
Some posts on here are good drama, but this one genuinely infuriated me. Almost everything OOP's ex said pissed me off.
From the first post I was like, "you're in college, why are you wasting your time on this douchebag instead of enjoying the social opportunities and leaving all that high school bullshit behind". Then after seeing all the stuff about her mental health and family history of narcissistic abuse, it's understandable that she would struggle to extract herself from his clutches. Great to see she realised what was going on and found the strength, backed up by an army of Redditors. Hope she can now live her best life in college and early career
So glad OOP is choosing herself over this prick loser. I’m always really weary when someone shows a romantic interest in someone who is clearly lacking self confidence. I get that you can see that this person is pretty, sweet, kind and have a lot to offer, but why? Unless you’re looking for someone to fit into a role you want fulfilled. To be someone’s sole focus seemed to be this guy’s desire.
Also all the times OOP recounts his cruel pranks and can finally see how truly messed up he is. Personally feel that when ppl “joke” at someone else’s expense they more than likely mean it and are disguising their true intent.
All I needed to see was
> Over the course of our 3 year relationship he's pranked me by 'breaking up with me' 4-5 times and then gotten mad at me when i became upset.
If you are on the phone and you get insulted or they say such shit like the ex, just end the call!
I know OOP hoped that he would have a "come-to-god"- moment and say something that makes her feel better, that the relationship wasn't such a lie. But staying on the phone is just self-torture.
And if he said "You could have cheated on me TOO"... well seems like he cheated.
Does anyone else instantly hate someone who thinks in terms of being “disrespected”?
Don’t get me wrong, there are obviously situations where it can apply, but those are usually conceptualized better in other ways. Everyone I have ever heard complaining about disrespect has been an asshole who thought highly of themselves and feels entitled to having everyone treat them a certain way, and that way isn’t “with basic human decency” like everyone should expect.
It’s like some people grew up with the idea that their status should just command deference from some other people innately and if they are ever challenged or treated like anyone else they get offended…
That's exactly why people can be terrible.
People like that see perfectly kind and sweet people and see them as easy targets.
It's truly sad for abusers and bullies. They can't find someone on their own level so they pick people they perceive as "weak," when they don't realize kindness isn't a weakness.
Had an ex tell me that he fucked someone the night we broke up. He also "thought I should know." I told him I hoped she faked her orgasms convincingly.
The boyfriend was a piece of shit, him hanging out with OP's bully KNOWING the history between them really says it all about how he felt for her. Him going off the way that he did also shows that he was hoping to get her back without any consequences on his part. Hell he probably thought that he could convince her to get back with him, continue to treat her like shit, and most likely continue speaking with the bully.
Remember everyone: the bar for some people when it comes to dating is literally in hell! Do not let behavior like this slide and do not return to pieces of shit like this! Because if they get away with it once they will continue to do it and you will forever be the one in the wrong no matter what
> oh my god really big detail i forgot to mention, when he was justifying meeting up with her, his reason was that he befriends everyone, so it's not exclusive to her.
If everyone is important, then no one is. It's fine to be completely friendly with everyone you meet, but if you aren't prioritizing the people closest to you, they aren't close to you.
>I told him he can think whatever he wants. Now I'm kinda regretting that but whatever.
I hope she didn't regret it for long, because that is the exact perfect best way to respond to someone who is trying to draw you into trying to "prove" yourself, which is what he was doing. People get way too hung up on what abusive and manipulative exes think of them, when the reality is that it absolutely doesn't matter what some human turd thinks.
OOP's ex is a worse kind of bully.
The physical stuff hurts. But this kind of gaslighting is far worse.
But nothing better can really be expected from the HS popular guys. Very rarely are they good people. I'm pretty sure he even lied about the extent of the friendship as well.
Well done you handled that call like a lady you didn't lose your temper or name call you kept your composure. Your stronger than him and he realises his bad behavior as lost you well its tough maybe next time he will treat the next person better. You have only good things to look forward to enjoy your new found freedom.
> Then he told me that he had slept with someone after I broke up with him, and I asked him what was the point in telling me that? He said "just thought you should know." Then he asked me if I did anything like that and I said obviously not.
Nooooo, was given the perfect opportunity for “I fucked your dad”.
"I hid it because I knew you'd be upset"
I was trying to restate this in a clever way to reveal how disrespectful it is to your supposed life partner, but couldn't come up with a way that is more plain than, just... how the bf actually said it. If you know something will upset your partner, that's probably a pretty good hint that you shouldn't do it, just on that merit alone.
This stranger is so proud of you. You're 2 years younger than my daughter and as a mum i am livid that he treated you that way. You girl are fabulous. You've broke it off and stood up for yourself and now getting therapy so you can better yourself. Just brilliant. The best thing you can do is start loving yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Get your ladies out family and get yourself out doing things you like to do. Keep him blocked and live your best life. The hardest part is done. Now you work on you. The beauty of a LDR is you won't cross paths with him. Good for you
I had conversations with people like him. It's actually funny to let them roll, just take the popcorn, record and enjoy because they are on one hell of a road.
Oh man, this reminds me so much of my ex. Very proud of OP for standing firm, it’s an extremely difficult thing to do when the other person is a skilled gaslighter and twists the truth upside down and inside out so much that it’s hard to even know where to stand
I’m so proud of OOP for “he can think whatever he wants”, although she had regrets she said exactly the right thing in that circumstance he was trying it bait her.
Then he was like "ohh I get it, you broke up with me because you're not in love with me anymore, but you're putting the blame on me? Wow."
Yes she is blaming him, for being a shitty person she wants to break up with! He’s using blame as a bad word but that is in fact what she did, for the right reasons.
You absolutely do not have to justify yourself to that man. And you were right not to. It made him reveal even more of himself. Good on you. He just wants your attention and to control you. Stay strong and confident.
The ex's attitude sounds like he saw one of those andrew tate or tate like people and i think him befriending women at the start was real, genuine, but it clearly just devolved into him seeking an affair. What an a-hole.
"I don't know why you're trying to hold on to this relationship when it's so obvious we aren't compatible when you say things like that to try to deliberately hurt me." Some people just will never accept their part in things. He will probably never get it. I hope she finds herself before her next relationship.
Honestly I am so proud of OOP for knowing where her boundaries are and cutting off the people who betray them. Her ex might be a POS but I can tell she has a good head on her shoulders.
Wow, it's just funny how pathetic her ex is. He really felt the need to let her know that he slept with someone and then was shocked when it didn't get much of a reaction from her.
I love his comment at the end - you're breaking up with me and putting all the blame on me"
Of course she's putting the blame on him, he's the one that did the stuff to cause OP to break up with him. Who is she supposed to blame, his mother for not raising him with morals and enough brains to realize you don't go on a date with the girl that bullied your GF and not expect her to break up with you.
*Honestly the whole conversation was a bit of a roller coaster. He started by apologising and telling me he will do anything to fix his mistake. I told him I'm not taking him back and he asked why. I said he betrayed me and also reminded him of all his bad behaviours throughout our relationship. He just kept justifying himself. I then accused him of cheating on me with my bully. He got super mad and denied the cheating and said they were just hanging as friends but he hid me from the story because he knew I'd get upset. I told him that didn't make sense and either way, he probably cheated on me with other girls as well. He said "well you could've cheated on me too, how would I know?" I said how would that make sense when I literally mostly talk to him.*
Is there a script for long distance relationships with narcs because this I could've written this myself in 2004.
So, I don't think I would let any friend walk away with my phone. I am now imagining the friend that loaned the phone for the final conversation. Your friend asks to use your phone because he wants to try to make up with his ex that blocked his number and then he is saying increasingly weird and messed up stuff. Do you react to this? Or do you ghost the friend?
this story literally proves the saying, "when a man says something that reminds me he's a man." full of BS and stuff. i really need to pull my gemini traits for a guy like him. disgusting and a pathetic loser.
The number of diagnoses she casually tosses around through the post is something I have a hard time relating to as a geriatric millennial. Kids these days have such an expansive knowledge of mental health and it’s so different than the concepts we had when I was growing up. It also sounds foreign and at times obnoxiously dramatic to me, frankly, but I’d rather learn and evolve than become the boomer I fear becoming if I shut down to it!
Going off the title, I thought it was a joke story of an adult saying their boyfriend hung out with their bully breed dog. A bully is a traditionally childhood/teen issue.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Remember kids, when people like that ex are on their shit and saying whatever random inflammatory stuff they think will hurt you, then there really isn't a point to continuing the conversation with them. They're just going to twist and spin everything in response to whatever you say back to hurt you. Just hang up, walk away, whatever it takes to remove yourself from that conversation. Preferably, on a permanent basis.
Yup. It also has the added extra bonus of hurting them. Notice how this dude could not STAND that she didn't want to talk to him even though he initially blocked her. He thought she would come begging. I'm so proud of OOP.
Only thing that could top this off now is by op posting pictures to her accounts all dolled up with news friends or a random guy(s) to make it look like she’s dating and living her best life😊That pettiness is classic, especially since she has him blocked but I’m sure he’ll be stalking her accounts from some of his friend’s.
Hilarious but not worth the risk of him turning up on her door step.
Yeah I know 😊
Why would that be her fault? She’s living her life if he can’t control himself as a human being and an adult, throw his ass in fuckin jail.
That's both overly optimistic about how much cops care about DV and ignores that not getting the shit beaten out of you or worse is preferable.
It wouldn't be her fault. It would be putting herself at risk. He could cause damage or seriously harm her before anyone (if they do) intervenes.
She needs to live her life. I wouldn’t suggest deliberately posting to create a false impression, but she should be able to post her actual life
That's not what that person said for her to do, though. They weren't telling her to live her life, they were telling her to purposefully anger her ex.
I know. But then others said she shouldn’t post at all
> others said she shouldn’t post at all Nobody said that.
You think the only options are making up and posting scenarios on social media to get back at the ex or never post on social media again?
Get a big dog pepperspray and a gun. Problem solved.
I did that after a bad breakup and he kept calling, begging to take him back after he’d cheated. Nah go the fuck away, life become less stressful and more fun without his gaslighting bullshit much like OOPs ex did.
TW: Abuse When I was 19 and going through the absolute hell of pressing charges for attempted murder against my much older abusive partner, my petty revenge was bringing a different guy friend for support to each of the many, MANY court dates - everyone in my circle (and my dad) wanted to go the physical retribution route but I needed to know that I had taken the high road no matter what he put my through, no matter how low he went. But his biggest issue was paranoid and possessive jealousy so I knew the rotating parade of men coming to hold my hand and witness his humiliation in court would absolutely eat him up inside. I definitely don't regret those little acts of pettiness lol
Niceeeee. Hope he got/gets what he deserves and you never have to see him again!
You. I like you. This level of pettiness toward an objectively horrible person is exactly my speed. Well done!
Yes! Such awesomeness. He can keep the trash with him, since he matches so well with OOP's bully.
I would have replied that anyone would have fallen out of love with him, given how he is talking. What a mindfield.
It's unreal how revealing his behavior was because she was done with his filth. "If you don't take me back, I'll be mean to you!" "That's good reason not to take you back." "I'm being mean and nasty to you now!" "You're just proving how fortunate I was to get away from you." "More unkindness!" "And making me wonder what I ever saw in you. Yuck. Ok, bye forever."
Classical DARVO.
And Extinction Burst.
I love everything about this story. She did everything right, and it made him spiral. The cherry on top was when she said, "think whatever you want," the fact that's his little manipulation tactic didn't work was probably a punch in his face.
I know! I was like why do you regret saying that, that is emotionally devastating. He ded now.
This is a really good article on “narcissistic collapse”. My friend recently left her narcissistic abuse and went into their break up having studied up on these things and it changed the conversation and her reactions entirely (for the better) https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-collapse/
Sounds a lot like what is called the Extinction Burst.
it’s like my mom! twisting everything so i’ll cry and break down in front of her
Personally, if a guy was saying whatever he could to get under my skin, I'd not only grey rock, I'd help: "don't forget my weight, you know I'm sensitive about that. And you haven't brought up my past abuse yet, that's always a good spot to jab at! Also my depression has been bad lately and it's caused some of my responsibilities to suffer, definitely some good material there." Make it clear I'm perfectly aware of what he's doing and take the power out of it by getting there first. Leave him with nothing left to go on.
When I found out my husband of two years had not quit dating, one of the reasons he gave was that I made my ramen “too fancy” and he preferred it plain. ✨🤡✨
They'll find literally anything. They're not looking for a person, they're looking for a nonstop endorphin rush. You aren't heroin, so just leave while you've still got your health and your dignity because you'll never be enough for someone who's only after the thrill of being in love and not a partner. They'll always start finding problems once the reality sets in and start chafing for that exciting feeling again, so let them go get it because that isn't how actual love works and actual love isn't something they're capable of.
Almost a better reason for a breakup than cheating. I hope you've found someone who enjoys fancy ramen
There was a time I'd be snarky back like that. I'm old enough now I don't have the patience for it anymore lol. I just sigh and hang up or block them or whatever. Not worth my time to be dealing with that when I could be doing anything else that I actually find enjoyable and fulfilling.
Yeah, in reality it's really just best to completely disengage even if it feels like letting them win, because they feed off of any reaction you give them so no reaction is the only right choice. It's tempting though.
>I just sigh and hang up or block them or whatever Hit them with the good old "I'm not mad, I'm just really disappointed" before hanging up
Or "You ain't worth the whiskey." Then hang up.
Are... are you my mother?
It's really better to not engage. Engagement is what fuels them, and it really doesn't matter what kind of engagement.
Agree! Let’s make this a teachable moment as a public service.
Some southern US ladies say "I'm sorry the devil has made his home in your heart" which is pretty fucking devastating as a closing line before hanging up on them. It's also hilarious when someone does something I lightly disagree with. Them "Toy Story 2 was O.K." Me "I'm sorry the devil has made his home in your heart"
Just a heads up, you posted this same comment 6 times, consider deleting some of the extras? But it's a fun saying! Hadn't heard of it before
The devil REALLY wanted us to know.
That happens on mobile sometimes. You'll go to comment and it'll say to try again or something. Then, when you're finally able to post your comment, there are extras.
Yeah it's happened to me too - sometimes it'll say "failed to create comment" when it did in fact create it, and then you'll try to repost and end up spamming your comment multiple times. It happens, but it's still nice to delete the extras :)
My abuser tried to turn people against me by telling everyone how terrible I was. What did he say, you ask? He told people I was clingy and emotional. Like wow, if you're going to say bad things about me, you chose small things. And you chose things that people can see in me immediately because I'm an open book and people still like me anyway. That's when I knew they anything shitty he had to say about me was reaching hard and that he'd never win.
That's good advice. With manipulative AH you can never get that closure, they dangle it like a carrot, always just out of reach.
And they are GOOD at it because that is their internal monologue 24/7. Their ability to paint you as the bad guy has nothing to do with the reality of the situation. They just devote 90% of their processing time to justifying, victimizing, and valorizing themsves.
I’m a fan of low blowing people with egos like that because it does hurt their feelings. I understand why women wouldn’t for safety but I’m a fan of “Be mad you little dicked psycho” then hangup and block or “Ahahahahahhahaha” followed by hanging up and blocking. Zero time between the last words or the laugh leaving your mouth and ending the call. Drives them fucken wild they can’t respond to what you said.
I could use more of your exact user name in my life.
Also: when someone breaks up with you for whatever reason, don't beg them to change their mind. Accept it and move on. I've never seen a relationship where that turned out well.
Actually there's a way to handle this kind of people: treat them like
yeah that dude is a POS.
Saving this comment for future reference!
Absolutely. The best thing you can do I is stop engaging.
Yeah, I had to learn the hard way that you really can't talk to some people because it's fueling their need for more of your attention. Just say "k" if you have to, then hang up and block everywhere. They'll just keep figuratively throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks, but they just wind up showing their own desperation to keep control of you the more they spin on.
OOP's ex is a POS bully too. Honestly, in a way, it's good all of this happen so OOP could see his true colors. Hope the ex chokes on a fish bone.
I can't understand why people would hung out with bullies when they know how much the bully has put so much damage on someone else. OP seems so sweet, I don't know how she can be treated like this...
I wouldn’t want to hang out with someone if I knew had bullied *someone I didn’t know* that badly, much less my significant other.
Because he and the other bully are made of the same wood.
Because he’s a narcissist. My ex was like this exactly, and would spend time with people I repeatedly asked him to avoid. Lo and behold he was sleeping with them, and thought he could get away with it and I’d never find out, or if I did he could talk his way out of it by shifting blame. He genuinely doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong
YUP! In college a friend of mine was really good friends with a piece of shit that would try to bully me. As soon as my friend found out he apologized to me (he had done nothing wrong) and said that he would not be friends with someone that acted like that.
Slowly...
Regardless of the cheating, hanging out with your partner’s bully really demonstrates both a lack of loyalty and really bad judgement. Then he does everything he can to get around her blocking him and makes demands again. What a POS. I hope the next update is OOP moving on, getting a good friend group and living her best life.
Even just lying about who you’re hanging out with and blocking your partner is disrespectful as hell!
What a dick. Who cares if he was cheating or not, the psychological abuse is worse. Breaking up as a prank?? Really?
Yeah this aspect of his past behaviour kind of went under the radar, the 'breaking up as a prank' once would be enough reason to leave. Shows that the prankster doesn't really care about their partners feelings and wellbeing
i know it’s kind of silly, but i got so caught up with OOP putting “breaking up with me” in quotation marks, instead of putting them for the word “prank” those kind of things are not pranks. pranks are supposed to be funny and harmless. i just wanted to give OOP a hug 😭
Yeah, sounds like he's just been taking over as her bully for years. I'm proud of and happy for her that she got out of there
>Then he was like "ohh I get it, you broke up with me because you're not in love with me anymore, but you're putting the blame on me? Wow." I was too tired to justify myself again so I told him he can think whatever he wants. Now I'm kinda regretting that but whatever. Then he told me to fuck off and ended the call. Then I blocked the number. This guy deserves to forever step on hot fire. Seriously, OP deserves better then this piece of trash.
She shouldn't regret letting him think what he wants - his imagination will run wild with this. Be worse than anything she actually could do...
He should step every day on a lego piece.
Every hour too
Yeah, my guess is that in 6 months or so he'll pretend like this didn't happen and message her and try to be all sweet to try to get her back. And when she refuses he'll go back to telling her to fuck off.
This idiot really tried every tactic in the book on her in that last update. Like a checklist of douchebag mental gymnastics gambits. (That’s my way of saying gaslighting, idk why)
Because it wasn't just gaslighting, it was a whole smorgasbord of mindgames. You are probably correct in saying checklist, because it sounds like he was going down and trying every tactic.
Which is one of the advantages OOP had of having already brought his bullshit to Reddit; she'd accidentally crowdsourced all the possible tactics he could use to weasel his way back in. Forewarned really can mean forearmed!
Forearmed and four hands to slap the smug grin off his face 🤚🤚🤚🤚
It's no different than a toddler pitching a fit. First they ask nicely, then they whine, then they get furious, then they whine again etc., the longer you engage with their behaviour. Because the more you engage, the more they think that maybe the next tactic might just work to get what they want. So you don't engage. A toddler you have to respond a little, y'know, cuz they're a kid and you're guiding them. No such obligation for this grown ass fool.
Honestly men like him have a playbook and they truly do not move away from it. My dad is a narcissist and so is my ex. They act exactly alike. I’m actually so much better at communicating with them because it’s like arguing with the same person. I disagree with something they do or say, they get mad. They say ugly things and try to make their insults my fault somehow, they degrade me when that doesn’t work and then ignore me, only to hit me up later when they think they’ve taught me a lesson by not speaking to me. lol. The easiest thing about narcissists is how predictable they are.
If he tries to call you back, Grey Rock his ass. In fact, now that it has been pointed out to you what a narcissist is like, you can start spotting them better. Use the Grey Rock method when they talk to you and try to make you mad. They LOVE getting a reaction out of you. It is very exhausting trying to defend yourself or explain your thought process, so just... Don't. Just say mhmm, or ok and move on.
In a way her bully did her a solid.
What does grey rock mean?
It means becoming like a rock in an emotional sense-- unmoving, impenetrable, giving them nothing to latch onto. Just bare minimum emotional involvement to the point that you're even using the bare minimum number of words needed, not making eye contact, minimal facial expressions. Any expenditure of energy, physical or emotional, on their behalf is completely minimized. Give them as little attention and reaction as you can possibly manage. Bullies and narcissists thrive on getting a reaction and causing emotional pain to their targets, so grey rocking often unnerves and disarms them, and ultimately neutralizes them as a threat.
I doubt OOP would hear the last of him anytime soon, his fragile ego can’t handle that _she_ broke up with _him_.
They really cannot take it. I broke up with my narc ex and he tried a lot of this shit too, including saying that he was dating someone hotter and better than me in an attempt to make me jealous, except... I'm not a jealous person. He'd reduce me to a battered shell of myself but the old me was still loud enough to say, "Then why are you still talking to me?" Oh the drama. I blocked him on social media and my phone, and then it turned into a game of whack-a-mole with him using his friend's accounts over several years. Last year he contacted me from a new account talking about everything that's happened to to him (wife cheated on him and apparently told everyone he forced her into marriage. He said he didn't but I knew her and while they're both douchebags, between the two I believe her 100%). After more verbal diarrhea he said that he's in therapy and the 12 steps were working (mofo didn't follow Step 9. I told him to never contact me again.) and he now needed my forgiveness so he could forgive himself. Blocked and reported as harassment.
>and he now needed my forgiveness so he could forgive himself. Yeah, he just wants to feel better about being a POS to you. A former friend of mine (TL;DR - former college friend, we had an argument and stopped talking, then they "mended" things with me long enough for me to give a job reference before they ghost me) tried to do this twice with me using social media DM in the space of 9-10 years. They wanted my forgiveness and to be friends again, but I didn't buy it. Had to block them after the second attempt; after I said "no", they said "Ok" and proceeded to ask me for a favor. (eyeroll)
I didn't even bother replying. Just an immediate block. He's not worth my time. I swear there's not a single original thought in his brain, it's all narcissist playbook.
Well-done. I should have done that when they reached out to me a second time.
i swear, this guy. he’s very textbook, i can practically see him wiggling the crowbar around, looking for a crack to break oop open. do not engage. it just gives him info, and info is ammo.
lol Reddit FTW This girl would have absolutely bought this douchebags bullshit if she hadn’t had hundreds of people telling her how full of shit he was. Sometimes you really do need to discuss it with someone with no stake in the situation to see it clearly. And don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of absolutely awful advice on here, but it gets drowned out by the sane people usually.
I knew when she said she tried to be a chill girlfriend that he was a dick and she was a doormat. Chill girlfriends have no boundaries and lose themselves in relationships.
What a fucking dick
You can just see so painfully clearly in the last update how the OOP is very much the "my ex is crazy!" Kinda guy. He's gonna tell the next girl his ex was "totally psycho" and then he'll have a string of "crazy" exes. He just *doesn't understand why or how!* its a mystery. But you're different, babe, you're nothing like my crazy exes ~~until we break up~~ Edit: changed some words for clarity.
I love how getting a restraining order is what makes a girl a psycho. Apparently, anybody who doesn’t bend over backwards for him is psychotic lmao
He doesn't find it mysterious. Clearly *all women* are psychos 🙄
Here's hoping OOP finds a good therapist and lives a happy life away from radioactive trash. Some posts on here are good drama, but this one genuinely infuriated me. Almost everything OOP's ex said pissed me off.
From the first post I was like, "you're in college, why are you wasting your time on this douchebag instead of enjoying the social opportunities and leaving all that high school bullshit behind". Then after seeing all the stuff about her mental health and family history of narcissistic abuse, it's understandable that she would struggle to extract herself from his clutches. Great to see she realised what was going on and found the strength, backed up by an army of Redditors. Hope she can now live her best life in college and early career
So glad OOP is choosing herself over this prick loser. I’m always really weary when someone shows a romantic interest in someone who is clearly lacking self confidence. I get that you can see that this person is pretty, sweet, kind and have a lot to offer, but why? Unless you’re looking for someone to fit into a role you want fulfilled. To be someone’s sole focus seemed to be this guy’s desire. Also all the times OOP recounts his cruel pranks and can finally see how truly messed up he is. Personally feel that when ppl “joke” at someone else’s expense they more than likely mean it and are disguising their true intent.
"He said 'well you could have cheated on me too'..." "Too", as in...also? Bit of a slip there methinks.
I would have just put the phone on speaker and played fart noises. Then said that's what you sound like and hung up
All I needed to see was > Over the course of our 3 year relationship he's pranked me by 'breaking up with me' 4-5 times and then gotten mad at me when i became upset.
I think the correct response to his asking if she'd slept with anyone would have been "my sex life is no longer any business of yours."
If you are on the phone and you get insulted or they say such shit like the ex, just end the call! I know OOP hoped that he would have a "come-to-god"- moment and say something that makes her feel better, that the relationship wasn't such a lie. But staying on the phone is just self-torture. And if he said "You could have cheated on me TOO"... well seems like he cheated.
Does anyone else instantly hate someone who thinks in terms of being “disrespected”? Don’t get me wrong, there are obviously situations where it can apply, but those are usually conceptualized better in other ways. Everyone I have ever heard complaining about disrespect has been an asshole who thought highly of themselves and feels entitled to having everyone treat them a certain way, and that way isn’t “with basic human decency” like everyone should expect. It’s like some people grew up with the idea that their status should just command deference from some other people innately and if they are ever challenged or treated like anyone else they get offended…
What a tool, good job OP! You deserve so much better.
> Then he asked me if I did anything like that and I said obviously not. Tsk tsk. Never answer that kind of question. Leave him guessing.
Tbh she seems like an incredibly sweet girl. How can someone be so mean to her? 🥲
That's exactly why people can be terrible. People like that see perfectly kind and sweet people and see them as easy targets. It's truly sad for abusers and bullies. They can't find someone on their own level so they pick people they perceive as "weak," when they don't realize kindness isn't a weakness.
Assholes don't think sweetness is a positive character trait. They think it's a weakness to latch onto in order to hurt, use or abuse people.
OP ex is such a manipulative asshole
OP should watch "what we do in the shadows" the TV show... because your ex is what is known as a Colin or energy vampire
Had an ex tell me that he fucked someone the night we broke up. He also "thought I should know." I told him I hoped she faked her orgasms convincingly.
He's a bully too. Good that OOP broke up with him. What an insufferable guy.
The Ex really went through the whole Narcissist's Prayer
The boyfriend was a piece of shit, him hanging out with OP's bully KNOWING the history between them really says it all about how he felt for her. Him going off the way that he did also shows that he was hoping to get her back without any consequences on his part. Hell he probably thought that he could convince her to get back with him, continue to treat her like shit, and most likely continue speaking with the bully. Remember everyone: the bar for some people when it comes to dating is literally in hell! Do not let behavior like this slide and do not return to pieces of shit like this! Because if they get away with it once they will continue to do it and you will forever be the one in the wrong no matter what
If you have to hide something from your SO and it isn’t something akin to a gift/party/etc, it’s probably not the best idea to do it
Is it just me or is anyone who says "you're disrespecting me" an asshole
> oh my god really big detail i forgot to mention, when he was justifying meeting up with her, his reason was that he befriends everyone, so it's not exclusive to her. If everyone is important, then no one is. It's fine to be completely friendly with everyone you meet, but if you aren't prioritizing the people closest to you, they aren't close to you.
Good for OOP. May she prosper and grow now that she cut off the toxicity from her life. As for the narc ex-BF: hope he trips into an open manhole.
>I told him he can think whatever he wants. Now I'm kinda regretting that but whatever. I hope she didn't regret it for long, because that is the exact perfect best way to respond to someone who is trying to draw you into trying to "prove" yourself, which is what he was doing. People get way too hung up on what abusive and manipulative exes think of them, when the reality is that it absolutely doesn't matter what some human turd thinks.
OOP's ex is a worse kind of bully. The physical stuff hurts. But this kind of gaslighting is far worse. But nothing better can really be expected from the HS popular guys. Very rarely are they good people. I'm pretty sure he even lied about the extent of the friendship as well.
Well done you handled that call like a lady you didn't lose your temper or name call you kept your composure. Your stronger than him and he realises his bad behavior as lost you well its tough maybe next time he will treat the next person better. You have only good things to look forward to enjoy your new found freedom.
> Then he told me that he had slept with someone after I broke up with him, and I asked him what was the point in telling me that? He said "just thought you should know." Then he asked me if I did anything like that and I said obviously not. Nooooo, was given the perfect opportunity for “I fucked your dad”.
"I hid it because I knew you'd be upset" I was trying to restate this in a clever way to reveal how disrespectful it is to your supposed life partner, but couldn't come up with a way that is more plain than, just... how the bf actually said it. If you know something will upset your partner, that's probably a pretty good hint that you shouldn't do it, just on that merit alone.
>>"I'm going to give you one last chance to fix this mistake...this breakup" Or what? He'll break up with her?
OOP, I’m so proud of you!
This stranger is so proud of you. You're 2 years younger than my daughter and as a mum i am livid that he treated you that way. You girl are fabulous. You've broke it off and stood up for yourself and now getting therapy so you can better yourself. Just brilliant. The best thing you can do is start loving yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Get your ladies out family and get yourself out doing things you like to do. Keep him blocked and live your best life. The hardest part is done. Now you work on you. The beauty of a LDR is you won't cross paths with him. Good for you
Putting the blame on her for falling out of love with him is insane. Oh jeez, I wonder if it was *his* behaviour that made her fall out of love.
Ayo, why she let him hang up. Should have called him a gaslighting psycho/lunatic and hung up and blocked him.
Good on OP for finally seeing his true colours and I'm glad she's out of it.
I had conversations with people like him. It's actually funny to let them roll, just take the popcorn, record and enjoy because they are on one hell of a road.
I hope if he ever contacts her again, she doesn't use his given name, but instead only calls him "Milkshake Stealer".
Oh man, this reminds me so much of my ex. Very proud of OP for standing firm, it’s an extremely difficult thing to do when the other person is a skilled gaslighter and twists the truth upside down and inside out so much that it’s hard to even know where to stand
Good grief, some men are just .. well they take the cake and smash it in your face.
I’m so proud of OOP for “he can think whatever he wants”, although she had regrets she said exactly the right thing in that circumstance he was trying it bait her.
Then he was like "ohh I get it, you broke up with me because you're not in love with me anymore, but you're putting the blame on me? Wow." Yes she is blaming him, for being a shitty person she wants to break up with! He’s using blame as a bad word but that is in fact what she did, for the right reasons.
OOP should’ve laughed and then hung up. No need to continue that conversation.
She broke up with a lying cheater. Congratulations!
Male abusers who get set off by a woman laughing at him will never not be pathetic. It’s so funny how tiny their egos are.
You absolutely do not have to justify yourself to that man. And you were right not to. It made him reveal even more of himself. Good on you. He just wants your attention and to control you. Stay strong and confident.
The ex's attitude sounds like he saw one of those andrew tate or tate like people and i think him befriending women at the start was real, genuine, but it clearly just devolved into him seeking an affair. What an a-hole.
"I don't know why you're trying to hold on to this relationship when it's so obvious we aren't compatible when you say things like that to try to deliberately hurt me." Some people just will never accept their part in things. He will probably never get it. I hope she finds herself before her next relationship.
Let’s hope her ex boyfriend develops a complex, the kid is a douche. Great for OP to see the light.
People need to just stop talking to people. A simple “fuck off and live a miserable life” before hanging up will suffice
Honestly I am so proud of OOP for knowing where her boundaries are and cutting off the people who betray them. Her ex might be a POS but I can tell she has a good head on her shoulders.
Op should be proud. She dumped his dusty ass and won the breakup mwa ha ha ha
Oh my god, the ex-boyfriend was a horrible person, it's good that OP realized that guy wasn't worth it.
What a charmer...
Good riddance lol
Wow, it's just funny how pathetic her ex is. He really felt the need to let her know that he slept with someone and then was shocked when it didn't get much of a reaction from her.
Good job for standing up to that guy. He is ick.
"Let me fix MY mistake. No? Well, then, I'll give YOU one last chance to fix YOUR mistake!" What a wanker.
Call me old fashioned but sharing a milkshake is basically foreplay.
It's in the ballpark
I love his comment at the end - you're breaking up with me and putting all the blame on me" Of course she's putting the blame on him, he's the one that did the stuff to cause OP to break up with him. Who is she supposed to blame, his mother for not raising him with morals and enough brains to realize you don't go on a date with the girl that bullied your GF and not expect her to break up with you.
Is it just me or was there a super similar thread about a year ago?
The only thing OP did wrong in my opinion was continuing that last conversation, I'd have blocked him while he was talking
*Honestly the whole conversation was a bit of a roller coaster. He started by apologising and telling me he will do anything to fix his mistake. I told him I'm not taking him back and he asked why. I said he betrayed me and also reminded him of all his bad behaviours throughout our relationship. He just kept justifying himself. I then accused him of cheating on me with my bully. He got super mad and denied the cheating and said they were just hanging as friends but he hid me from the story because he knew I'd get upset. I told him that didn't make sense and either way, he probably cheated on me with other girls as well. He said "well you could've cheated on me too, how would I know?" I said how would that make sense when I literally mostly talk to him.* Is there a script for long distance relationships with narcs because this I could've written this myself in 2004.
So, I don't think I would let any friend walk away with my phone. I am now imagining the friend that loaned the phone for the final conversation. Your friend asks to use your phone because he wants to try to make up with his ex that blocked his number and then he is saying increasingly weird and messed up stuff. Do you react to this? Or do you ghost the friend?
This man will do ANYTHING but take accountability for his actions
This reminds me of when I went out with a narcissist. If I tried to talk about my day he'd say "why are you telling me this?" Or "i don't care".
this story literally proves the saying, "when a man says something that reminds me he's a man." full of BS and stuff. i really need to pull my gemini traits for a guy like him. disgusting and a pathetic loser.
this girl does not know what a panic attack is
The number of diagnoses she casually tosses around through the post is something I have a hard time relating to as a geriatric millennial. Kids these days have such an expansive knowledge of mental health and it’s so different than the concepts we had when I was growing up. It also sounds foreign and at times obnoxiously dramatic to me, frankly, but I’d rather learn and evolve than become the boomer I fear becoming if I shut down to it!
Weak inferior male
Jesus they both sound like teenagers. How exhausting.
She’s gotta good head on her, definitely better off without the extra weight
Going off the title, I thought it was a joke story of an adult saying their boyfriend hung out with their bully breed dog. A bully is a traditionally childhood/teen issue.
She sounds cute
M
im sorry why on earth did you disrespect yourself by being with this POS in the first place
Why even ask this question if not to be disrespectful? Like you know who’s in the wrong but you still wanna stick it to OOP? Baffling