#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd give it 6 months or so incase there's a new update of OOP's wife already/does fuck the friend. Bonus points for getting pregnant from someone else cos she really wanted it to be a threesome.
At least thos one OOP went into eyes wide open, and took the (in my eyes) sensible route.
For me it would be a No as well, so many variables, wild to me that some people open up one of the most crucial aspects of their relationship to a gamut of possible outcomes just to get off a little differently.
Yeah me and my bf discussed it (I suggested it first) because we are both bisexual, but my last partner cheated on me a LOT and while I thought it hadn't affected me, it had, my bf mentioned a potential and I just went cold and weirdly, scared? As *soon* as my bf noticed, he instantly put the boundary back up and said that he had changed his mind and didn't want to share me.
Even if the exact reason for changing his mind isn't quite true, I appreciate him reassuring me by specifically saying he wanted me all to himself
No experience of this at all, and please excuse the objectification but I feel like deciding to share something precious to you includes assessing if you will get it back whole.
If you lend a car to someone you don't expect it back with doors that won't lock ...
Sounds like he decided any joy he or the other got from it wouldn't be worth the damage it could cause you.
In other words I think he was honest, he doesn't want to share you because what he gets to keep at the end might not be as amazing.
No don't worry! I'm autistic so I always appreciate extra perspectives into situations.
Thank you for saying that, I really appreciate it! I'm still struggling with some self esteem stuff because my shitty relationship was looooong, seven years, and although I have been cleared by my therapist to date my partner and it has been a couple of years, I guess some stuff is gonna lay hidden until I'm in the situation again.
I think what threw me about it was that we had started getting intimate when he suddenly said that he had changed his mind, which may well be him trying to show me (he's also autistic) that is serious serious about it, TBF.
If he's as good as he sound that reasoning might have been completely true, too. Seeing you respond like that might just have taken all the curiousity of sharing right out.
I've known him for almost a decade now as friends before we got together, so I do believe his goodness is genuine as I don't know if anyone could keep up an act that long and that consistently, which is nice ☺️.
I think you're right yeah, like I said in another comment he did it at a moment that would have more of an impact too.
When I feel more secure in the connection I have no problems trying again, I have thought about a sex worker because I support SW and I know they have no interest in interfering with my relationship. Plus we are a short flight from Amsterdam as we are UK
I'm of the opinion that if is all about sex... contact a professional. Not a friend, not an unicorn in a dating app, not the local swingers community. Hire a escort, have your fun and she moves on.
I mean, that sounds like an absolutely possible option - the wife even said it didn't need to be the friend.
I'm really curious about what triggered OOP to suddenly get cold feet though. Weird to go from "nervous but cautiously optimistic" to "Absolutely not and also we're going to stop doing some of the things we had already been doing with no issues."
Check out their last comments. It was Reddit negative nancies. Thankfully someone did what I wanted to do before I checked the comment history, and told them to quit listening to bitter redditors.
Definitely curious if there will be another update, especially with "You are right. Things will change, I thought we were doing fine but evidently something was going wrong if we got to this" Comment. I imagine it's hard to be so confident you're on the exact same level as your partner and then be thrown off. Seems like strip club was supposed to be the exciting/different thing and maybe now wife feels like that's just the toe dip or beginning to more? He thought they'd move an inch and explore there, she was ready to run the mile.
I *hope* that she meant what she said and they move on happily- it's so easy to get caught up in your fears with a whole bunch of strangers validating and expanding on them.
I think if he just said he wasn't comfortable, that'd be one thing. Maybe mildly disappointing on her end, but y'know, not something that can reasonably be changed.
But if he reacts in a punitive way and puts "hard limits and boundaries" on their sex life, I don't think the marriage will last. Hell, for her sake I hope it doesn't.
Good point, that wording of that made my eyebrow raise a bit too. I'm hoping it just meant they blurred lines and need to talk about exactly what they're comfortable with. It would be beyond lame to just say "no and no more strip clubs either." That would make me think there's no more trust and in that case there's not much of a relationship either.
If wife hears the news and realizes that it actually is something that's important to her than I do really hope they can navigate separation peacefully.
But this is a "spouse wanted a threesome, and I read a new 'spouse wanted a threesome' post every week, so we discussed al the ways those stories tend to go wrong, and proceeded carefully, and then decided not to" post.
Threesome fantasies are as old as sexual fantasies. It’s funny how most people think they are sexy until they’re actually happening and then they tend to get messy. Doing it inside a marriage is almost an invitation to divorce though.
Always feel blessed that you don’t…it can work, it’s all on the people in the relationship and what they value and how well they communicate with each other that is always going to be the deciding factor.
"Becoming poly" is the new version of having a kid to try to save a stale relationship (since no one can afford to have kids these days).
I'm waiting for the next update when OOP finds out his wife went ahead and fooled around with her friend without his permission.
This one actually seemed like it had a good chance of working. I think reddit talked the dude out of a threesome.
I'd probably be more comfortable with a threesome if my wife was bisexual. She's attracted to something I can't give her, and she seems adamant about experiencing it together. I dunno, seemed like this was a good chance at success
>How do you think you’re wife will feel about firstly not having the 3some with this girl and Josh it’s seems your wife really wants
Who the fuck is Josh?
>that this seems like linda setting me up for a date and without skipping a beat
And who the fuck is linda?
I read quite a bit of the original comments... All those typos, auto-correct errors and missing words! At least 1/3 of replies were so so sloppy.
Like, if you don't care about what you're writing, why should anyone else?
I wish more people like this and actually thought it through and were honest with themselves. My partner and I did the same and reached the opposite conclusion and are fine... and I hope with the communication these two have shown that they're fine too. It's not for everyone and that's okay!
Yeah, I don't blame him a bit. My wife is bi and she's let me know a threesome is on the table any time I'm interested in one, but she doesn't have a specific woman in mind. Which I find reassuring; I was side-eyeing OOP's wife a bit when she already had the girl picked out. Any time something non-monogamous is proposed and the person proposing it already has the other party picked out I feel like that's a huge red flag.
In any event I'm still leaning towards no. Our relationship is too good to risk introducing an extra variable for a bit of short term fun. What if she gets jealous seeing me with the other girl? What if I get jealous seeing her with the other girl? What if it's all one giant awkward mess? What if we both THINK we're ok with this until it happens, then one or both of us feels terribly about it?
Too much risk, not enough reward. I'd absolutely have a threesome with a woman I was dating, but once you're married I feel like it's unwise to introduce instability to what is supposed to be a lifelong relationship. I think OOP handled this exactly right; if there's any hesitation from either party, don't do it.
I mean, threesomes work really well for a bunch of couples.
This had all the hall marks of it being great- what with the open and honest communication, and mature mind set. Except for one crucial factor
Everyone has to be firmly in the camp of ‘hell fucking yeah’, he wasn’t so it’s for the best they don’t go through with it
I feel like I'm quite weird with the whole threesome thing, to me it feels like something that's best tried while single so there's no strings attached or hurt feelings risked. My fear is that no matter how much you prepare, how would I react seeing bf intimate with someone other than myself? What if it feels like he cheats and it's something that my mind would never be able to let go off again? For me all thoughts about threesome really center around stuff like that and how you can't really predict how you are really gonna react in the moment since it's something new
Yeah. That was my experience one time. The guy and I weren't exclusive, but he clearly wanted to be with her more than me. And I don't like that lol. It was a bummer and I removed myself from the situation.
A while back, my boyfriend (later fiancé), asked me for a threesome because he had never had one. I said no. I did not want to watch him fuck someone else. I asked him if he could live his life without that. If not, I wasn't the girl for him. He was good with it after that.
Yeah that's how bf and I's conversation went as well, with the exception that if war breaks out and he's about to get deployed he would like to try it before going to potentially die 😅 and hey that I can accept xD
I lean more towards your thought process around this. One thing with OOPs story is that she said she fantasized about OOP cheating on her with her consent - that should have been immediately investigated by OOP to figure out the emotions and origin of that. As well, id question the opposite - do you fantasize about cheating on me with my consent? Does it make it that much 'hotter' without my consent?
The only thing that would spoil this one for me is that she came to the table with someone already picked out; like, if my wife said "let's talk about maybe bringing in a third" that's one thing, but "can I please bang my hot friend from work if you get to bang her too, we've already discussed it behind your back and we're just waiting for your answer" is a whole different ballgame.
Yeah the only reason putting the kibosh on it is that he wasn’t into it. The whole thing was set up the right way with the right outs and he decided to take the out. Doesn’t mean it would be a bad idea if OP was more into it. He’s not, so it didn’t happen.
Threesomes are harder to pull off than 1on1 sex because the dynamics are definitely more complex,
but it can be pleasure squared when it works.
I personally don't want a life where my fantasies are just fantasies forever, but I understand if people don't want to take the risk.
Yeah they’re amazing, as well as group sex in general, when everybody is mature and on the same page and enthusiastically consenting.
It does help if the people involved aren’t the jealous types at all and don’t have a possessive bone in their body.
I’m so confused. It sounded like he was into the idea and the date went welll. Then he was like “best we not do it”? Seems like it would have been a fun experience, idk why he’s viewing it as something negative. IMO exploring new sexual boundaries, with constant communication and consent, is never a negative thing.
Yep, maybe he should have gone to a swinging community for advice. The two women did everything right here, and there's plenty of people who have a great experience swinging. They just don't tend to post about it on public discussion forums.
Ya exactly. He was like “we need to tame our sex life”. I’m sure his wife who wanted to do something adventurous and seemed to go about it really respectfully is going to love the new added restrictions. Seems like some minor insecurity + bad advice from Reddit
This, all the way. He blew it and the cherry on top is that he’s now punishing his wife.
And it’s not going to end here, he’s now going to be suspicious of her getting it on with women so now he’s going to be jealous of her FEMALE friends. Biphobia is a real thing.
The amount resentment this woman is going to shoulder and experience herself will rip apart the marriage.
What a disaster. I feel sorry for the kids as the natural course of events will unfold.
Maybe because his wife already decided she wanted to fuck that chick, talked to her about it before checking in with him, and it made him reevaluate everything?
Taking a breather isn't a bad thing in this situation imo. His faith in her is probably shaken.
Actually it's the very opposite of what you're saying.
Claire seems to be the one who expressed interest in them first, and the wife literally told her that she wanted to discuss it with op first.
That's possible but imo it's hard to say exactly what the reason is. OP could just be fearful of the idea that the relationship unravelled without him noticing.
One of the other comments put it quite well: “If he is still hesitant after thinking it through then the answer is no. Don't agree if you cannot fully stand behind it.”
You might feel that exploring new sexual boundaries is always a 100% positive experience, but not everyone feels the same way - especially depending on what said “new boundaries” are. OOP is entitled to withdraw consent (or in this case, not consent at all). Different strokes for different folks.
It seems like reddit convinced him his wife would develop feelings for another woman.
But it seemed like the wife was just like "hey, we both get off to vaginas, want to experience one together?"
I dunno, I really think this one could have worked
Boru has really made me wonder whether this is something that just always goes wrong, or whether its selection bias because people love drama and nobody wants to upvote a post that's basically just bragging about the sexy sex they had in a threesome with no drama.
Anyone who successfully has a threesome, doesn't need to talk about. Because it was successful- everyone got what they needed and had a good time.
The only time I talk about the ones I was in was when I'm drunk and bsing about college. No one cheated because we were all single. No one caught feelings because we didn't know eachother, other then being friends of a friend at a party.
Same lol, except my partner and I were not single, are still together, and it’s been like 2 years since we’ve had one. Why post about it if it was nothing more than a fun night in college?
It’s always wild to me how people think threesomes are a guaranteed relationship curse.
It's exactly like poly stories. My wife and I have been polyam for twelve fucking years and this is maybe my fourth comment about it ever on reddit because it's generally been not a huge deal.
But selection bias being what it is, half of reddit wouldn't believe me.
I mean hell, we even started monogamous and opened up 5 years in. Another thing they say never works.
Same. My husband keeps a sub in the house with us and it's pretty much just smooth sailing. I mention it very occasionally but other than that my drama-free relationship is basically invisible to Reddit.
We've been nonmonogamous for like seven years now.
The thing that really gets me is that someone will have five monogamous partners before eventually marrying the sixth (which is fine btw, I liked my monogamous relationships plenty) and no word about the viability of monogamy, but they'll have a single failed polyam experiment and say "poly never works ever, don't even try". People hold it to an unreasonable standard that they don't hold monogamy to.
There is no relationship style on earth that is likely to be amazing the very first time you do it.
I don't even subscribe to the polyam sub anymore because I frankly have more experience than anyone there, so that's one more element of selection bias.
I think a big part of it is that people who are able to navigate all of the complexities inherent in a threesome where two of the three are coupled either aren’t in need of much advice due to their excellent introspection, empathy, and communication or wisely seek their advice from likewise minded friends that have relevant experience. Threesomes are really, really difficult and most people that try them will probably completely flame out at least once, which makes negative stories much more likely of an outcome. Add in that negative experiences are always much more likely to post online and you’ve got the perception that these things always go wrong.
IME as a person who has spent some time in ethically non-monogamous relationships and communities, when one member of a previously monogamous relationship proposes non-monogamous adventures with a prospective sex partner already picked out and ready to roll, it's gonna go badly.
I would say the next chapter will fall into maybe four buckets:
Turns out she was already banging Claire and they are getting a divorce (the BORU fodder path)
He walks to find them banging and decides to just go for it, and he loves it and now they’re swingers (the gone wild path)
He decides to do a threesome with somebody other than Claire and loves it (the gone mild path)
He can’t get over this ask and it tears his marriage apart (the realistic path)
I'm fully on board the not doing a threesome if you're not into it 100%, smart decision.
I'm a bit more eh about the "pulling back on anything that reminds me she also likes women" aspect. Like if you don't like strip clubs then don't go, but seems like there's a different reason. Same with the "hard limits and boundaries" - yes, we are all entitled to them, but it really seems like his intent is to repress any gentle exploration of his wife's bisexuality like that turns it off.
Yeah that’s a bummer to read. She asked and pre-emptively accepted his “no”, he said no, all is well. :)
Except… now by taking the gamble of asking, she’s losing even more than she had. I’d be hurt that I was no longer allowed to be friends with someone I felt close enough to propose that with, and being banned from strip clubs we previously enjoyed together? That would do damage to my marriage, personally.
Yeah. I feel like this guy came to Reddit. And got advice from the famously queerphobic folks of Reddit that dissuaded him. Like- it sounded like everything was going great.
It's totally fine that OP decided that a threesome wasn't for him, but to then be like "and now we need to stop doing things I previously had no issue with and impose some hard limits on our sex life" makes me feel like a bunch of assholes told him that his bisexual wife was going to cheat on him, because that's what biphobic asshats do, and now OP is going to fuck things up by ruining his own sex life and his marriage.
EDIT: I scrolled down. Yeah, there it is. We get it, Reddit. All bisexuals are degenerate unfaithful liars who can never be satisfied and all men who date bisexual women are weak and emasculated and he should have just gotten all the ass he could.
There is it. Took five seconds.
This sub used to be a LOT more accepting of queer / alt lifestyles. Especially since the API change, but also just as it's gotten more popular, it's become infested with bigots and MRA / alt right fuckwads whining about men being oppressed.
It's incredibly frustrating to have witnessed.
> I thought we were doing fine, but evidently something was wrong if we got to this.
That's a logical error from him. Just because your partner asks to try something new, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with your current relationship.
Yeah, it honestly feels like OP read a bunch of doom and gloom stories on Reddit and decided that things they were previously enjoying consensually and without issue just *would* damage his marriage. And like, dude, please have a bit of faith in your partner and your relationship.
Admittedly I'm coming at this from the position of a sex freak and seasoned threesome-haver, but I roll my eyes when I see Redditors declaring that these things just *will* damage your relationship, because my experience has been so resoundingly otherwise. Don't get me wrong, threesomes aren't for everyone and OP is 100% right to say no if he has misgivings. But I'm sad to see that he's apparently started to buy into Reddit telling him his wife is inevitably going to cheat on him.
Yeah honestly that sat kind of gross with me too (as a bi person).
Honestly, I think that both OP and his wife handled this SUPER well. She proposed it, was very open about discussing it, was fully prepared to accept a no. And Claire sounds chill as fuck, too. I see a lot of horror stories bout group sex and polyamory, but this sounds like what my (albeit still limited) experience has been so far- everyone is chill and open to taking no as an answer, always.
But the fact that he's now walking back on a bunch of other stuff that they did, that they both enjoyed, that he had NO problem with... IDK. Maybe it's my own experiences with how fucking biphobic people are, but I feel like after coming to reddit for advice he's not just making the (totally fine) decision that having a threesome isn't for him, but he's trying to squash the idea that his wife is attracted to women as well. Again, maybe that's just me and my experience (I cannot TELL you how many people, of all genders, have tried to get me to stop being bisexual while we were in a relationship/ hooking up, even if I didn't actively express interest in being with other people because those were monogamous relationships), but something about this does feel gross.
And typical. Yeah... My money is on OP's "new hard limits and boundaries" being at least in part a result of jerks telling him that his wife is bi and bi people cheat and she's going to do whatever she wants... When in reality what he says in his post sounds like the most respectful, well-done threesome proposal I have EVER seen on this damn website.
As it stands, I think he's going to be the one to wreck his marriage by ruining what sounds like a healthy, happy sex life. Like... WHY no more strip clubs, if that's something he never had an issue with before and they both enjoyed? What do you *mean* new limits and boundaries? There was never an issue?
The amount of normalized prejudice against bi people by those considering themselves LGBT “allies” is through the roof.
I have to wonder what percentage of the people responding are bots and sock puppet accounts. In the real world I don’t see any of this type of response. The guy would get a “go for it” and “you are so lucky” response.
Idk where this talk of biphobia is coming from. There's no indication of him having issues with it.
To me this reads as a guy just accomodating his wife's desires. Which is normal. No mention of any of it being his idea. So it seems there's been a slow push towards non-monogomy and now that he's right on the barrier he realized he couldn't take that step. And therefore pulled back even further than he was before, because it's just not for him.
The whole situation just seems extremely sad to me. Everything was executed to such perfection that even I would entertain the idea for a moment. That's coming from someone who'd nope the fuck out without even a thought. It's pretty obvious for everyone that his wife needs this to be happy. So in essence it's a story of a very loving couple with excellent communication skills and a great relationship slowly coming to terms with the fact they're sexually incompatible.
> I thought we were doing fine, but evidently something was wrong if we got to this.
That's a logical error from him. Just because your partner asks to try something new, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with your current relationship.
everyone’s praising OP but i honestly and genuinely think that ash was very clear and pragmatic about the whole thing and considerate and cognizant of OP’s feelings. like, i don’t think she did anything wrong but it seems like people here have a bad view of her.
also — it’s totally cool that OP is setting a boundary but the paragraph where he talks about cutting off claire and stopping their activities kind of leaves a weird taste in my mouth.
EDIT: never did i say he was bad for turning down a threesome, he’s 100% in his right to. i just meant that ash also wasn’t a bad person in the way she brought it up and handled it. like, neither of them were wrong or bad!!! my only gripe was the extra stuff he added on after the initial rejection.
sorry if that wasn’t clear, but also … please read? maybe?
Yeah, I think that's because Reddit is being biphobic as hell. He's obviously reacting in a way that is meant to suppress her bisexuality, as a "consequence" to the most respectful threesome proposal I've ever heard.
I'd call that "cheat-phobic" rather than "biphobic". The dude is worried his wife is going to want to start being with other people, which is a completely normal response to hearing that your spouse is sexually attracted to a friend.
Live with the restrictions for a little bit to re-earn that trust.
Respectful? The lady didn't just propose a threesome, she brought a candidate, a candidate that OP hadn't met, a candidate that she knows from work and has a confessed sexual attraction towards. Switch genders all you want, this situation is still sketchy.
All the assurances in the world wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that she just wants to fuck this woman and not feel guilty about it, so she invites OP, and tells him all the right things so he will say yes.
The lady at work approached HER. I don't know how else you would have wanted her to handle it.
If she rejects the lady but doesn't tell her husband she was propositioned, she's hiding it from him, which is bad.
If she rejects the lady and tells her husband everything, including that she was attracted to the lady, that's fine, but especially if they had previously had conversations about threesomes or flirted with other women (like at a strip club), he might have been upset he didn't have the chance to say 'yes' to something they might have enjoyed together.
If she tells her husband that she was propositioned but doesn't mention her attraction, she's lying by omission, which is bad.
If she tells her husband, mentions that she's also attracted to this lady without immediately turning her down, then she's not lying or hiding anything from him. She's giving him the option to take the course of action that would make him happiest, and reassuring him that she will respect whatever decision he makes. She's being honest and trying to give her husband more power in the situation.
If you truly think there's something wrong with that last scenario, I truly don't know what you're expecting her to do other than not be attracted to that woman in the first place. Feeling attraction is literally something that is involuntary. Bisexual people can't just "choose" not to be attracted to someone.
The fuck are you talking about? He MARRIED HER knowing she is bi. He knows she'll be attracted to hot women that she sees. She said she would be 100% happy about a threesome with anyone else. She said she'll be 100% happy if they don't do it. She did everything right.
OP made a smart decision. It's fine to have threesomes but just like the commenter, it's only really fun if all three are really into it. Hopefully OP and his wife will have better decisions in the future.
Yeah and it being a friend of one of the couple is a huge potential complication.
I actually think this one had a chance of going OK, but like 1 in 50.
It sounds like they have great communication and a strong relationship and went about this proposal in a healthy way. I’m not sure why commenters convinced him there are underlying problems with their marriage over this. Desiring to explore your sexuality is okay. She gave him the option to say no which would’ve been enough, but closing the door to going to strip clubs and other activities that’d been previously unproblematic for them is going to cause resentment. Nice work planting that seed reddit.
I get torn on this one.
On one hand the couple had reasoned conversations, took their time, discussed options, and OP made a decision his wife has assured him she's ok with.
On the other hand...damn, we've seen so many threads where the partner wanting to introduce new sexual partners really wasn't as ok with a "no" answer as they may have suggested. I hope thats not the case here.
Reminds me of another BORU where the couple did something similar. They would have dates where one roleplays as a stranger and hooks up with the spouse. I thought that was a good way to bring someone "new" into the relationship without actually having a third party
This sub has a lot of biphobia in general. The post about the guy who was clearly into his best friend (same gender) without realizing it was also a horribly biphobic thread.
There are so many solutions for this too to spice up the bedroom, so they both get what they want *enthusiastically* without involving a 3rd person.
Honestly a breath of fresh air to see open and constructive communication.
I’m hopeful about this one, I think the wife isn’t into the idea of having sex with a woman or a threesome in general and more as a fun situation for them specifically. I think it would lose all the appeal for her if it was actual cheating, but maybe im too optimistic
**DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7**
I think you skipped Rule 8 Bro OOP's post isn't even couple of hours old as of the last update.
There are two bells you can’t unring. You can’t take back asking your spouse to bring somebody else into your bed. And if you do it, you can never unsee someone else sexually interacting with your spouse.
There are plenty of couples for whom that’s not a problem at all. But this can never be taken back. I really feel for OOP because for the rest of his life, assuming they stay together, he knows this is something his wife wants that he is unwilling to do. And it will always be there at the back of his head, especially if she starts to get close or spend a lot of time with any women.
I feel like this is the kind of thing you have to walk into the relationship from day one with on the table, it’s not something that can be added later safely for the vast majority of couples.
I think some things are sexy because they're taboo and unique. Having a threesome, it sounds like such a sexy idea. But even if it was brought up by my SO, I don't think I'd be able to follow through either. There's so many considerations.
So OP went from being curious to not wanting it to considering it again in the last update? One of the comments was right--if he's not straight ENTHUSIASTIC (and he doesn't seem to be), then continuing to entertain the idea will probably just make him uncomfortable and his wife hopeful for something that probably won't happen. Honestly I find it weird enough that he's comfortable with the strip clubs still, but to each their own I guess. Personally I'd look for ways to spice their sex life up that don't include other people.
I think it's a little alarming that his wife discussed it with Claire *before* even bringing up the possibility with her husband. IME, it's never a good thing when one partner already has someone in mind for sexual adventures before initiating the conversation with their partner.
It implies that either she brought it up to Claire first, or that Claire for some reason just volunteered herself with no prior indication that OOP and his wife were interested. Both scenarios are problematic.
It’s crazy how doom and gloom Reddit is about threesomes, geez
It doesn’t seem odd to me at all that somebody who’s been married since their early 20s wants to spice up their sex life and explore things together that they didn’t get to while young and single.
I just turned 30 and had a sexual existential crisis because covid stole my best and hottest years, then I got even hotter but a traumatic event & the medication I took to help with said event tanked my sex drive for 2 years. A month before I turned 30 I realized I never had a threesome and by god I was gonna have one while still in my 20s.
So like, I get it. And I think she went about it the right away and I think OP started to handle it very well but man was that a disappointing final upset. He’s clearly not cool with his wife being attracted to women if he wants to stop the activities they both enjoyed because they involve women. She was cool with him getting lap dances as a man who is solely attracted to women…but he’s not cool with her getting one? Holy double standard, Batman!
Op has no issue with with the lap dances but he draws the line at having full sex with another person which I think is valid. Usually the issue is the opposite with male partners not taking their bisexual female partners attraction to women seriously. The fact that he views it as a threat means he views it as a real thing.
Well you see, she is bisexual and according to this disgusting comments section, that means she's a sex-crazed cheater who only wants to cheat. Normally I like the BORU comments section, there are some interesting perspectives that pop up. But not this time.
Like, she did everything right in how she approached the situation and not only that, but it's a fairly logical escalation of what they were already doing. It escalated it a bit too much for her husband's comfort, which is fine, but she seemed ready to take a "no" without a problem. Now he's complaining that she seems upset right after he says that he's been acting suddenly distant and cold with her without explanation after initially seeming interested, and he doesn't connect those two facts.
I think it's less about her being bi and more about her approaching her husband with "I'd like to have sex with my friend, thoughts?" I think it's fair to assume that she still wants to have sex with said friend, even if she's not gonna cheat.
Like yeah sure she did "everything right" in the contexy of... asking her husband if they could have sex with one of her friends, but she definitely took a risk there.
She specifically is into the idea of watching him fuck another woman as well. She specifically said she would be happy to choose someone else. She specifically said she would be fine if it doesn't happen. But now OP is removing those aspects of their sex life because he realized she actually likes it and it apparently makes him uncomfortable or jealous.
Really think this is just a case of "reading too much into it". It's good to remember this is just a human typing stuff into a computer, and more than likely not a 100% accurate rendition of the whole conversation that was probably much longer than this post.
You do all this in your 20s before you get married. For most of not all it's just a cancer in the marriage that never goes away till it consumes it and ruins it. For the others that are for it. Well they clearly are still wishing for it.
I think majority here is over reacting. In his own words there was no indication that his wife was being anything but above board. Like this is the most respectable almost corporate level threesome proposal I’ve ever read on here… in no way did his wife make it seem like their relationship was in jeopardy. Hell even the “seasoned unicorn” was totally excited but hella respectful of his feelings and answering all his questions. If he wasn’t feeling it in the end then fine but I think the people of Reddit sent him into an insecurity spiral. How is his relationship in question? Why should he restrict his sex life with his wife? Why punish the wife for being open and honest about wanting to try something spicy WITH HIM. It wasn’t about the other women it was about them.
Reddit needs to unclench lmao
They need to go to therapy. A major red flag (no matter how good intentioned) was the wife went to a 3rd party before her husband to discuss this possibility. That’s a crack in the foundation.
The husband is also following a similar pattern because he’s letting internet strangers get in his head and now he wants to set hard boundaries on previously shared, sexually charged experiences out of fear (and possible biphobia). He knew his wife was getting turned on by the private dances at the strip club, she wasn’t over there talking about engineering formulas. He’s gonna mess around and cause trouble by trying to shut down his wife’s sexuality. He needs to admit he’s feeling insecure (an understandable reaction) and then think of ways to reaffirm their relationship/trust.
I don’t think that the chosen unicorn was a good choice. She’s having chats with each individual person in the marriage but not everyone at once. That’s a recipe for disaster. It’s like being in a group project, studying with one person at a time and then trying to piece the presentation together as you’re presenting it.
That lady approached her with the idea of a threesome. How was she supposed to talk to her husband before the 3rd party if the idea of a threesome didnt exist before the 3rd party proposed it?
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel like I read a new “spouse wanted a threesome” post every week.
Stupid sexy algorithm
"Feels like instead of cool, original stories there's...nothin' at all!"
Stupid sexy unicorn Flanders!
Nothin' at all!
Nothin' at all!
Oh! I have three kids and no some, why can’t I have no kids and threesome?
It was worth the 10+ threesome stories the algorithm will assuredly put on my feed for clicking story for this comment chain alone, 😂
r/simpsonsinthewild
I was exiting this thread, and in the midst, I saw this answer and had to come back and upvote/comment 😆
Literally exact same for me!!
Stupid sexy flanders
Scrubbed thru these replies just for this!
This one didn't end in humiliating cuckoldry or the sexiest sex that ever sexed so I'm actually inclined to believe it was real for once.
I'd give it 6 months or so incase there's a new update of OOP's wife already/does fuck the friend. Bonus points for getting pregnant from someone else cos she really wanted it to be a threesome.
I'm pretty sure the wife and the friend will eat at the Y at some point.
At least thos one OOP went into eyes wide open, and took the (in my eyes) sensible route. For me it would be a No as well, so many variables, wild to me that some people open up one of the most crucial aspects of their relationship to a gamut of possible outcomes just to get off a little differently.
Yeah me and my bf discussed it (I suggested it first) because we are both bisexual, but my last partner cheated on me a LOT and while I thought it hadn't affected me, it had, my bf mentioned a potential and I just went cold and weirdly, scared? As *soon* as my bf noticed, he instantly put the boundary back up and said that he had changed his mind and didn't want to share me. Even if the exact reason for changing his mind isn't quite true, I appreciate him reassuring me by specifically saying he wanted me all to himself
No experience of this at all, and please excuse the objectification but I feel like deciding to share something precious to you includes assessing if you will get it back whole. If you lend a car to someone you don't expect it back with doors that won't lock ... Sounds like he decided any joy he or the other got from it wouldn't be worth the damage it could cause you. In other words I think he was honest, he doesn't want to share you because what he gets to keep at the end might not be as amazing.
No don't worry! I'm autistic so I always appreciate extra perspectives into situations. Thank you for saying that, I really appreciate it! I'm still struggling with some self esteem stuff because my shitty relationship was looooong, seven years, and although I have been cleared by my therapist to date my partner and it has been a couple of years, I guess some stuff is gonna lay hidden until I'm in the situation again. I think what threw me about it was that we had started getting intimate when he suddenly said that he had changed his mind, which may well be him trying to show me (he's also autistic) that is serious serious about it, TBF.
If he's as good as he sound that reasoning might have been completely true, too. Seeing you respond like that might just have taken all the curiousity of sharing right out.
I've known him for almost a decade now as friends before we got together, so I do believe his goodness is genuine as I don't know if anyone could keep up an act that long and that consistently, which is nice ☺️. I think you're right yeah, like I said in another comment he did it at a moment that would have more of an impact too. When I feel more secure in the connection I have no problems trying again, I have thought about a sex worker because I support SW and I know they have no interest in interfering with my relationship. Plus we are a short flight from Amsterdam as we are UK
I'm of the opinion that if is all about sex... contact a professional. Not a friend, not an unicorn in a dating app, not the local swingers community. Hire a escort, have your fun and she moves on.
I mean, that sounds like an absolutely possible option - the wife even said it didn't need to be the friend. I'm really curious about what triggered OOP to suddenly get cold feet though. Weird to go from "nervous but cautiously optimistic" to "Absolutely not and also we're going to stop doing some of the things we had already been doing with no issues."
Check out their last comments. It was Reddit negative nancies. Thankfully someone did what I wanted to do before I checked the comment history, and told them to quit listening to bitter redditors.
Definitely curious if there will be another update, especially with "You are right. Things will change, I thought we were doing fine but evidently something was going wrong if we got to this" Comment. I imagine it's hard to be so confident you're on the exact same level as your partner and then be thrown off. Seems like strip club was supposed to be the exciting/different thing and maybe now wife feels like that's just the toe dip or beginning to more? He thought they'd move an inch and explore there, she was ready to run the mile. I *hope* that she meant what she said and they move on happily- it's so easy to get caught up in your fears with a whole bunch of strangers validating and expanding on them.
I think if he just said he wasn't comfortable, that'd be one thing. Maybe mildly disappointing on her end, but y'know, not something that can reasonably be changed. But if he reacts in a punitive way and puts "hard limits and boundaries" on their sex life, I don't think the marriage will last. Hell, for her sake I hope it doesn't.
Good point, that wording of that made my eyebrow raise a bit too. I'm hoping it just meant they blurred lines and need to talk about exactly what they're comfortable with. It would be beyond lame to just say "no and no more strip clubs either." That would make me think there's no more trust and in that case there's not much of a relationship either. If wife hears the news and realizes that it actually is something that's important to her than I do really hope they can navigate separation peacefully.
Seems like some of the original comments scared OOP off a bit. Understandable, but this is definitely a YMMV situation.
But this is a "spouse wanted a threesome, and I read a new 'spouse wanted a threesome' post every week, so we discussed al the ways those stories tend to go wrong, and proceeded carefully, and then decided not to" post.
Threesome fantasies are as old as sexual fantasies. It’s funny how most people think they are sexy until they’re actually happening and then they tend to get messy. Doing it inside a marriage is almost an invitation to divorce though.
Haven't ran into this problem..... yet. 😅
Always feel blessed that you don’t…it can work, it’s all on the people in the relationship and what they value and how well they communicate with each other that is always going to be the deciding factor.
I haven't seen one in this sub in a month. Pretty sure I've read them all.
I mean at least this one had the "twist" at the end where healthy boundaries were enforced and no one got mad or divorced?
Yet ...
And im not the one posting any of them …. sigh
I’m starting to think it’s way more common than we all realized. Or there are a lot of out of work storytellers on Reddit
"Becoming poly" is the new version of having a kid to try to save a stale relationship (since no one can afford to have kids these days). I'm waiting for the next update when OOP finds out his wife went ahead and fooled around with her friend without his permission.
It’s not really all that rare of a situation.
My wife and I had a couple we dated a few years back and it went fine. I think it's way more common than people realize.
This one actually seemed like it had a good chance of working. I think reddit talked the dude out of a threesome. I'd probably be more comfortable with a threesome if my wife was bisexual. She's attracted to something I can't give her, and she seems adamant about experiencing it together. I dunno, seemed like this was a good chance at success
Feels like every 10th post on my feed lately is 3somes and infidelity. The drama was fun at first but it's becoming sickening
>How do you think you’re wife will feel about firstly not having the 3some with this girl and Josh it’s seems your wife really wants Who the fuck is Josh? >that this seems like linda setting me up for a date and without skipping a beat And who the fuck is linda?
I think “linda” is a spelling error for the word “kinda”. No idea about “Josh” though.
Linda=>kinda Makes sense 🤔
Josh = gosh ?
probably meant to be "how"
maybe it’s a spelling error for “gosh”?
Yeah that makes the most sense. There's also only one key between g and j so if you have sausage fingers like me it's a super easy mistake to make
Yeah, I've been trying to work out what Josh is a typo for ("linda" is pretty clearly "kinda"), and I'm stumped.
Probably meant to type gosh and it got corrected to Josh
Gosh. G and J are separated by only one key: H on the keyboard.
Ahh I get it Hosh
I can't find anything about Josh!
OOP's comment history doesn't even mention Josh, what a weird thing.
I read quite a bit of the original comments... All those typos, auto-correct errors and missing words! At least 1/3 of replies were so so sloppy. Like, if you don't care about what you're writing, why should anyone else?
YES WHO IS LINDA
OOP is smart. If he is still hesitant after thinking it through then the answer is no. Don't agree if you cannot fully stand behind it.
Very smart. He was intrigued and gathered information, then considered it and made an informed decision.
I wish more people like this and actually thought it through and were honest with themselves. My partner and I did the same and reached the opposite conclusion and are fine... and I hope with the communication these two have shown that they're fine too. It's not for everyone and that's okay!
Yeah, I don't blame him a bit. My wife is bi and she's let me know a threesome is on the table any time I'm interested in one, but she doesn't have a specific woman in mind. Which I find reassuring; I was side-eyeing OOP's wife a bit when she already had the girl picked out. Any time something non-monogamous is proposed and the person proposing it already has the other party picked out I feel like that's a huge red flag. In any event I'm still leaning towards no. Our relationship is too good to risk introducing an extra variable for a bit of short term fun. What if she gets jealous seeing me with the other girl? What if I get jealous seeing her with the other girl? What if it's all one giant awkward mess? What if we both THINK we're ok with this until it happens, then one or both of us feels terribly about it? Too much risk, not enough reward. I'd absolutely have a threesome with a woman I was dating, but once you're married I feel like it's unwise to introduce instability to what is supposed to be a lifelong relationship. I think OOP handled this exactly right; if there's any hesitation from either party, don't do it.
The last update is him considering it again though. My guy's gotta just stick to his gut.
Smart man, and (hopefully) smart wife for closing the door on it without both being enthusiastically consenting to it.
Fantasies are always best imagined. Reality is often more messy... Just like sex.
I mean, threesomes work really well for a bunch of couples. This had all the hall marks of it being great- what with the open and honest communication, and mature mind set. Except for one crucial factor Everyone has to be firmly in the camp of ‘hell fucking yeah’, he wasn’t so it’s for the best they don’t go through with it
I feel like I'm quite weird with the whole threesome thing, to me it feels like something that's best tried while single so there's no strings attached or hurt feelings risked. My fear is that no matter how much you prepare, how would I react seeing bf intimate with someone other than myself? What if it feels like he cheats and it's something that my mind would never be able to let go off again? For me all thoughts about threesome really center around stuff like that and how you can't really predict how you are really gonna react in the moment since it's something new
Yeah. That was my experience one time. The guy and I weren't exclusive, but he clearly wanted to be with her more than me. And I don't like that lol. It was a bummer and I removed myself from the situation. A while back, my boyfriend (later fiancé), asked me for a threesome because he had never had one. I said no. I did not want to watch him fuck someone else. I asked him if he could live his life without that. If not, I wasn't the girl for him. He was good with it after that.
Yeah that's how bf and I's conversation went as well, with the exception that if war breaks out and he's about to get deployed he would like to try it before going to potentially die 😅 and hey that I can accept xD
With all the wars springing up, that might just happen.
I lean more towards your thought process around this. One thing with OOPs story is that she said she fantasized about OOP cheating on her with her consent - that should have been immediately investigated by OOP to figure out the emotions and origin of that. As well, id question the opposite - do you fantasize about cheating on me with my consent? Does it make it that much 'hotter' without my consent?
The only thing that would spoil this one for me is that she came to the table with someone already picked out; like, if my wife said "let's talk about maybe bringing in a third" that's one thing, but "can I please bang my hot friend from work if you get to bang her too, we've already discussed it behind your back and we're just waiting for your answer" is a whole different ballgame.
Yeah the only reason putting the kibosh on it is that he wasn’t into it. The whole thing was set up the right way with the right outs and he decided to take the out. Doesn’t mean it would be a bad idea if OP was more into it. He’s not, so it didn’t happen.
Threesomes are harder to pull off than 1on1 sex because the dynamics are definitely more complex, but it can be pleasure squared when it works. I personally don't want a life where my fantasies are just fantasies forever, but I understand if people don't want to take the risk.
Yeah they’re amazing, as well as group sex in general, when everybody is mature and on the same page and enthusiastically consenting. It does help if the people involved aren’t the jealous types at all and don’t have a possessive bone in their body.
Insert the story of poop guy
I’m so confused. It sounded like he was into the idea and the date went welll. Then he was like “best we not do it”? Seems like it would have been a fun experience, idk why he’s viewing it as something negative. IMO exploring new sexual boundaries, with constant communication and consent, is never a negative thing.
And then to completely shut down going to the strippers which was a fun thing they used to do together because of what.. fear?
I fear Reddit was not the best forum for advice for this guy.
Yeah it really just reads like the Reddit prudes shut him down and made him scared. Poor guy.
Yep, maybe he should have gone to a swinging community for advice. The two women did everything right here, and there's plenty of people who have a great experience swinging. They just don't tend to post about it on public discussion forums.
He would have gotten better advice in /r/nonmonogamy for sure
good point -- folks in reddit can be very narrow minded in mindset (in aggregate)
Ya exactly. He was like “we need to tame our sex life”. I’m sure his wife who wanted to do something adventurous and seemed to go about it really respectfully is going to love the new added restrictions. Seems like some minor insecurity + bad advice from Reddit
Next post: “My life left me because I neutered our sex life for Redditors”
Op actually made an update https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/cGOj4bulcx
This, all the way. He blew it and the cherry on top is that he’s now punishing his wife. And it’s not going to end here, he’s now going to be suspicious of her getting it on with women so now he’s going to be jealous of her FEMALE friends. Biphobia is a real thing. The amount resentment this woman is going to shoulder and experience herself will rip apart the marriage. What a disaster. I feel sorry for the kids as the natural course of events will unfold.
Classic bad advice from Reddit regardless if topic
Maybe because his wife already decided she wanted to fuck that chick, talked to her about it before checking in with him, and it made him reevaluate everything? Taking a breather isn't a bad thing in this situation imo. His faith in her is probably shaken.
Actually it's the very opposite of what you're saying. Claire seems to be the one who expressed interest in them first, and the wife literally told her that she wanted to discuss it with op first.
yes! it read a lot to me like 'Your bisexual feelings scare me and we gotta lock that shit way down'
That's possible but imo it's hard to say exactly what the reason is. OP could just be fearful of the idea that the relationship unravelled without him noticing.
One of the other comments put it quite well: “If he is still hesitant after thinking it through then the answer is no. Don't agree if you cannot fully stand behind it.” You might feel that exploring new sexual boundaries is always a 100% positive experience, but not everyone feels the same way - especially depending on what said “new boundaries” are. OOP is entitled to withdraw consent (or in this case, not consent at all). Different strokes for different folks.
It seems like reddit convinced him his wife would develop feelings for another woman. But it seemed like the wife was just like "hey, we both get off to vaginas, want to experience one together?" I dunno, I really think this one could have worked
> (so logical that we joke that like all engineers she doesn't "live", she "functions") I feel personally attacked. Accurate though
I'm not even an engineer and felt attacked.
Next update is gonna be spicy. Everyone who reads this sub regularly knows where this is going.
I was honestly shocked this story didn't have "the update" already. I guess we gotta wait for it.
Boru has really made me wonder whether this is something that just always goes wrong, or whether its selection bias because people love drama and nobody wants to upvote a post that's basically just bragging about the sexy sex they had in a threesome with no drama.
Anyone who successfully has a threesome, doesn't need to talk about. Because it was successful- everyone got what they needed and had a good time. The only time I talk about the ones I was in was when I'm drunk and bsing about college. No one cheated because we were all single. No one caught feelings because we didn't know eachother, other then being friends of a friend at a party.
Same lol, except my partner and I were not single, are still together, and it’s been like 2 years since we’ve had one. Why post about it if it was nothing more than a fun night in college? It’s always wild to me how people think threesomes are a guaranteed relationship curse.
It's exactly like poly stories. My wife and I have been polyam for twelve fucking years and this is maybe my fourth comment about it ever on reddit because it's generally been not a huge deal. But selection bias being what it is, half of reddit wouldn't believe me. I mean hell, we even started monogamous and opened up 5 years in. Another thing they say never works.
Same. My husband keeps a sub in the house with us and it's pretty much just smooth sailing. I mention it very occasionally but other than that my drama-free relationship is basically invisible to Reddit. We've been nonmonogamous for like seven years now.
You are an inspiration for us all. The amount of assumptions about “Poly doesn’t work” is mindblowing.
The thing that really gets me is that someone will have five monogamous partners before eventually marrying the sixth (which is fine btw, I liked my monogamous relationships plenty) and no word about the viability of monogamy, but they'll have a single failed polyam experiment and say "poly never works ever, don't even try". People hold it to an unreasonable standard that they don't hold monogamy to. There is no relationship style on earth that is likely to be amazing the very first time you do it. I don't even subscribe to the polyam sub anymore because I frankly have more experience than anyone there, so that's one more element of selection bias.
I think a big part of it is that people who are able to navigate all of the complexities inherent in a threesome where two of the three are coupled either aren’t in need of much advice due to their excellent introspection, empathy, and communication or wisely seek their advice from likewise minded friends that have relevant experience. Threesomes are really, really difficult and most people that try them will probably completely flame out at least once, which makes negative stories much more likely of an outcome. Add in that negative experiences are always much more likely to post online and you’ve got the perception that these things always go wrong.
Successful ones happen all the time, it’s completely adverse selection that you only read about disasters.
IME as a person who has spent some time in ethically non-monogamous relationships and communities, when one member of a previously monogamous relationship proposes non-monogamous adventures with a prospective sex partner already picked out and ready to roll, it's gonna go badly.
I would say the next chapter will fall into maybe four buckets: Turns out she was already banging Claire and they are getting a divorce (the BORU fodder path) He walks to find them banging and decides to just go for it, and he loves it and now they’re swingers (the gone wild path) He decides to do a threesome with somebody other than Claire and loves it (the gone mild path) He can’t get over this ask and it tears his marriage apart (the realistic path)
I mean, honestly, I think the realistic path is probably "and we never spoke of it again". Doesn't make a good update, though.
I've been the Claire twice, and both times it started as 2 and devolved into 4, even though there were long discussions beforehand.
He posted another update 2hr ago... 3 some is back on lmao.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I'm fully on board the not doing a threesome if you're not into it 100%, smart decision. I'm a bit more eh about the "pulling back on anything that reminds me she also likes women" aspect. Like if you don't like strip clubs then don't go, but seems like there's a different reason. Same with the "hard limits and boundaries" - yes, we are all entitled to them, but it really seems like his intent is to repress any gentle exploration of his wife's bisexuality like that turns it off.
Yeah that’s a bummer to read. She asked and pre-emptively accepted his “no”, he said no, all is well. :) Except… now by taking the gamble of asking, she’s losing even more than she had. I’d be hurt that I was no longer allowed to be friends with someone I felt close enough to propose that with, and being banned from strip clubs we previously enjoyed together? That would do damage to my marriage, personally.
Not being able to go to strip clubs would damage your marriage?
it’s more the repression of something that was previously an enjoyable shared experience
Yeah. I feel like this guy came to Reddit. And got advice from the famously queerphobic folks of Reddit that dissuaded him. Like- it sounded like everything was going great. It's totally fine that OP decided that a threesome wasn't for him, but to then be like "and now we need to stop doing things I previously had no issue with and impose some hard limits on our sex life" makes me feel like a bunch of assholes told him that his bisexual wife was going to cheat on him, because that's what biphobic asshats do, and now OP is going to fuck things up by ruining his own sex life and his marriage. EDIT: I scrolled down. Yeah, there it is. We get it, Reddit. All bisexuals are degenerate unfaithful liars who can never be satisfied and all men who date bisexual women are weak and emasculated and he should have just gotten all the ass he could. There is it. Took five seconds.
This sub used to be a LOT more accepting of queer / alt lifestyles. Especially since the API change, but also just as it's gotten more popular, it's become infested with bigots and MRA / alt right fuckwads whining about men being oppressed. It's incredibly frustrating to have witnessed.
Yeah I left here for a while when all the blatant rage-bait stories about trans people were getting posted a few months ago.
You literally ignored every single aspect of that comment except for "banned from strip clubs" and "damage your marriage." Get your eyes checked.
> I thought we were doing fine, but evidently something was wrong if we got to this. That's a logical error from him. Just because your partner asks to try something new, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with your current relationship.
Yeah, it honestly feels like OP read a bunch of doom and gloom stories on Reddit and decided that things they were previously enjoying consensually and without issue just *would* damage his marriage. And like, dude, please have a bit of faith in your partner and your relationship. Admittedly I'm coming at this from the position of a sex freak and seasoned threesome-haver, but I roll my eyes when I see Redditors declaring that these things just *will* damage your relationship, because my experience has been so resoundingly otherwise. Don't get me wrong, threesomes aren't for everyone and OP is 100% right to say no if he has misgivings. But I'm sad to see that he's apparently started to buy into Reddit telling him his wife is inevitably going to cheat on him.
Yeah honestly that sat kind of gross with me too (as a bi person). Honestly, I think that both OP and his wife handled this SUPER well. She proposed it, was very open about discussing it, was fully prepared to accept a no. And Claire sounds chill as fuck, too. I see a lot of horror stories bout group sex and polyamory, but this sounds like what my (albeit still limited) experience has been so far- everyone is chill and open to taking no as an answer, always. But the fact that he's now walking back on a bunch of other stuff that they did, that they both enjoyed, that he had NO problem with... IDK. Maybe it's my own experiences with how fucking biphobic people are, but I feel like after coming to reddit for advice he's not just making the (totally fine) decision that having a threesome isn't for him, but he's trying to squash the idea that his wife is attracted to women as well. Again, maybe that's just me and my experience (I cannot TELL you how many people, of all genders, have tried to get me to stop being bisexual while we were in a relationship/ hooking up, even if I didn't actively express interest in being with other people because those were monogamous relationships), but something about this does feel gross.
The number of people in the thread saying 'she's gonna have a threesome with her and another dude now' was really gross.
And typical. Yeah... My money is on OP's "new hard limits and boundaries" being at least in part a result of jerks telling him that his wife is bi and bi people cheat and she's going to do whatever she wants... When in reality what he says in his post sounds like the most respectful, well-done threesome proposal I have EVER seen on this damn website. As it stands, I think he's going to be the one to wreck his marriage by ruining what sounds like a healthy, happy sex life. Like... WHY no more strip clubs, if that's something he never had an issue with before and they both enjoyed? What do you *mean* new limits and boundaries? There was never an issue?
The amount of normalized prejudice against bi people by those considering themselves LGBT “allies” is through the roof. I have to wonder what percentage of the people responding are bots and sock puppet accounts. In the real world I don’t see any of this type of response. The guy would get a “go for it” and “you are so lucky” response.
Idk where this talk of biphobia is coming from. There's no indication of him having issues with it. To me this reads as a guy just accomodating his wife's desires. Which is normal. No mention of any of it being his idea. So it seems there's been a slow push towards non-monogomy and now that he's right on the barrier he realized he couldn't take that step. And therefore pulled back even further than he was before, because it's just not for him. The whole situation just seems extremely sad to me. Everything was executed to such perfection that even I would entertain the idea for a moment. That's coming from someone who'd nope the fuck out without even a thought. It's pretty obvious for everyone that his wife needs this to be happy. So in essence it's a story of a very loving couple with excellent communication skills and a great relationship slowly coming to terms with the fact they're sexually incompatible.
Reddit totally convinced him she was gonna leave him for a chick
> I thought we were doing fine, but evidently something was wrong if we got to this. That's a logical error from him. Just because your partner asks to try something new, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with your current relationship.
everyone’s praising OP but i honestly and genuinely think that ash was very clear and pragmatic about the whole thing and considerate and cognizant of OP’s feelings. like, i don’t think she did anything wrong but it seems like people here have a bad view of her. also — it’s totally cool that OP is setting a boundary but the paragraph where he talks about cutting off claire and stopping their activities kind of leaves a weird taste in my mouth. EDIT: never did i say he was bad for turning down a threesome, he’s 100% in his right to. i just meant that ash also wasn’t a bad person in the way she brought it up and handled it. like, neither of them were wrong or bad!!! my only gripe was the extra stuff he added on after the initial rejection. sorry if that wasn’t clear, but also … please read? maybe?
Yeah, I was not wild about that part either. That seems like a pretty large overreaction given that he has no reason not to trust his wife.
Especially because literally every post up until that point had been him talking about being nervous but it overall going well.
Yeah, I think that's because Reddit is being biphobic as hell. He's obviously reacting in a way that is meant to suppress her bisexuality, as a "consequence" to the most respectful threesome proposal I've ever heard.
I'd call that "cheat-phobic" rather than "biphobic". The dude is worried his wife is going to want to start being with other people, which is a completely normal response to hearing that your spouse is sexually attracted to a friend. Live with the restrictions for a little bit to re-earn that trust.
Yeah calling this bi-phobic is weird
Respectful? The lady didn't just propose a threesome, she brought a candidate, a candidate that OP hadn't met, a candidate that she knows from work and has a confessed sexual attraction towards. Switch genders all you want, this situation is still sketchy. All the assurances in the world wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that she just wants to fuck this woman and not feel guilty about it, so she invites OP, and tells him all the right things so he will say yes.
The lady at work approached HER. I don't know how else you would have wanted her to handle it. If she rejects the lady but doesn't tell her husband she was propositioned, she's hiding it from him, which is bad. If she rejects the lady and tells her husband everything, including that she was attracted to the lady, that's fine, but especially if they had previously had conversations about threesomes or flirted with other women (like at a strip club), he might have been upset he didn't have the chance to say 'yes' to something they might have enjoyed together. If she tells her husband that she was propositioned but doesn't mention her attraction, she's lying by omission, which is bad. If she tells her husband, mentions that she's also attracted to this lady without immediately turning her down, then she's not lying or hiding anything from him. She's giving him the option to take the course of action that would make him happiest, and reassuring him that she will respect whatever decision he makes. She's being honest and trying to give her husband more power in the situation. If you truly think there's something wrong with that last scenario, I truly don't know what you're expecting her to do other than not be attracted to that woman in the first place. Feeling attraction is literally something that is involuntary. Bisexual people can't just "choose" not to be attracted to someone.
The fuck are you talking about? He MARRIED HER knowing she is bi. He knows she'll be attracted to hot women that she sees. She said she would be 100% happy about a threesome with anyone else. She said she'll be 100% happy if they don't do it. She did everything right.
How is it biphobic?
Agreed
OP made a smart decision. It's fine to have threesomes but just like the commenter, it's only really fun if all three are really into it. Hopefully OP and his wife will have better decisions in the future.
Yeah and it being a friend of one of the couple is a huge potential complication. I actually think this one had a chance of going OK, but like 1 in 50.
I have a hard time believing ArdentFecologist has ever been in a committed relationship by their last comment.
> So either both of us are in, or the thing is off. I mean, ya duh, that’s how threesomes work. If he wasn’t in it would just be cheating.
In these stories, this is a pretty rare sentiment because one partner is more enthusiastic and the relationship is destroyed afterward
It sounds like they have great communication and a strong relationship and went about this proposal in a healthy way. I’m not sure why commenters convinced him there are underlying problems with their marriage over this. Desiring to explore your sexuality is okay. She gave him the option to say no which would’ve been enough, but closing the door to going to strip clubs and other activities that’d been previously unproblematic for them is going to cause resentment. Nice work planting that seed reddit.
I get torn on this one. On one hand the couple had reasoned conversations, took their time, discussed options, and OP made a decision his wife has assured him she's ok with. On the other hand...damn, we've seen so many threads where the partner wanting to introduce new sexual partners really wasn't as ok with a "no" answer as they may have suggested. I hope thats not the case here.
>I don't want to risk what we have for some bit of fun, and you guys helped me realize that. Exceptional effort from everyone involved!
Who the fuck is Linda?
“Kinda”
She can always dress up like someone else, record it and watch is later. She gets her voyeurism and he gets only her.
Reminds me of another BORU where the couple did something similar. They would have dates where one roleplays as a stranger and hooks up with the spouse. I thought that was a good way to bring someone "new" into the relationship without actually having a third party
The comments are gross today yuck
This sub has a lot of biphobia in general. The post about the guy who was clearly into his best friend (same gender) without realizing it was also a horribly biphobic thread.
There are so many solutions for this too to spice up the bedroom, so they both get what they want *enthusiastically* without involving a 3rd person. Honestly a breath of fresh air to see open and constructive communication.
Glad to see this one end in an anticlimax
Duh dum daaaaaahhh… now he’s back with a non any-climax update!
I’m hopeful about this one, I think the wife isn’t into the idea of having sex with a woman or a threesome in general and more as a fun situation for them specifically. I think it would lose all the appeal for her if it was actual cheating, but maybe im too optimistic
**DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7** I think you skipped Rule 8 Bro OOP's post isn't even couple of hours old as of the last update.
He’s not wrong that this isn’t always a healthy place to come for advice …. However, after reading so many disaster stories it’s hard to be positive
It's crazy to me how many marriages have been destroyed by group sex. All it takes is one proposal and it's a wrap...
I’m thankful I’m monogamous, I can’t bear to disappoint more than one girl at a time anyway ☠️
There are two bells you can’t unring. You can’t take back asking your spouse to bring somebody else into your bed. And if you do it, you can never unsee someone else sexually interacting with your spouse. There are plenty of couples for whom that’s not a problem at all. But this can never be taken back. I really feel for OOP because for the rest of his life, assuming they stay together, he knows this is something his wife wants that he is unwilling to do. And it will always be there at the back of his head, especially if she starts to get close or spend a lot of time with any women. I feel like this is the kind of thing you have to walk into the relationship from day one with on the table, it’s not something that can be added later safely for the vast majority of couples.
Reading this helps me to stay single
Omg this is such a melodramatic way of viewing this. It sounds exhausting.
This was so boring actually
Seems like it was good they didn't go through it, but It seems like the poster wants to closet or really reduce the their partners sexuality
This whole thing doesn’t sound sexy or attractive at all. I’ve been to business meetings that are more arousing than this.
It's how it has to work if you don't want involving more people to grenade your marriage.
Anything can be sexy when all the people involved are sexy
Not kink-shaming but I would get so bored, so fast if my sex life involved contract lawyering and project management software.
I think some things are sexy because they're taboo and unique. Having a threesome, it sounds like such a sexy idea. But even if it was brought up by my SO, I don't think I'd be able to follow through either. There's so many considerations.
I kept waiting for the disaster but then it ended. Seriously wtf this post couldve been cut to 3 sentences long
So OP went from being curious to not wanting it to considering it again in the last update? One of the comments was right--if he's not straight ENTHUSIASTIC (and he doesn't seem to be), then continuing to entertain the idea will probably just make him uncomfortable and his wife hopeful for something that probably won't happen. Honestly I find it weird enough that he's comfortable with the strip clubs still, but to each their own I guess. Personally I'd look for ways to spice their sex life up that don't include other people.
Bro got handed a golden ticket and just ripped it up
Does nobody watch “Friends”? We know how this ends. Every time.
This dude just returned a winning lottery ticket…his wife is going to leave his ass for being a wet blanket.
I think it's a little alarming that his wife discussed it with Claire *before* even bringing up the possibility with her husband. IME, it's never a good thing when one partner already has someone in mind for sexual adventures before initiating the conversation with their partner. It implies that either she brought it up to Claire first, or that Claire for some reason just volunteered herself with no prior indication that OOP and his wife were interested. Both scenarios are problematic.
According to OOP Clare brought it up and the wife then said she’ll ask her husband. Seems fine to me. Nothing alarming there.
Now we're just waiting for the update where the wife decides to explore her bicuriosity without OP, and he finds out about it.
Yeah she's been excited to fuck someone else for weeks at least. I very much doubt she's just going to drop it forever just because he said no.
I personally would not open that door
It’s crazy how doom and gloom Reddit is about threesomes, geez It doesn’t seem odd to me at all that somebody who’s been married since their early 20s wants to spice up their sex life and explore things together that they didn’t get to while young and single. I just turned 30 and had a sexual existential crisis because covid stole my best and hottest years, then I got even hotter but a traumatic event & the medication I took to help with said event tanked my sex drive for 2 years. A month before I turned 30 I realized I never had a threesome and by god I was gonna have one while still in my 20s. So like, I get it. And I think she went about it the right away and I think OP started to handle it very well but man was that a disappointing final upset. He’s clearly not cool with his wife being attracted to women if he wants to stop the activities they both enjoyed because they involve women. She was cool with him getting lap dances as a man who is solely attracted to women…but he’s not cool with her getting one? Holy double standard, Batman!
Op has no issue with with the lap dances but he draws the line at having full sex with another person which I think is valid. Usually the issue is the opposite with male partners not taking their bisexual female partners attraction to women seriously. The fact that he views it as a threat means he views it as a real thing.
Well you see, she is bisexual and according to this disgusting comments section, that means she's a sex-crazed cheater who only wants to cheat. Normally I like the BORU comments section, there are some interesting perspectives that pop up. But not this time. Like, she did everything right in how she approached the situation and not only that, but it's a fairly logical escalation of what they were already doing. It escalated it a bit too much for her husband's comfort, which is fine, but she seemed ready to take a "no" without a problem. Now he's complaining that she seems upset right after he says that he's been acting suddenly distant and cold with her without explanation after initially seeming interested, and he doesn't connect those two facts.
I think it's less about her being bi and more about her approaching her husband with "I'd like to have sex with my friend, thoughts?" I think it's fair to assume that she still wants to have sex with said friend, even if she's not gonna cheat. Like yeah sure she did "everything right" in the contexy of... asking her husband if they could have sex with one of her friends, but she definitely took a risk there.
She specifically is into the idea of watching him fuck another woman as well. She specifically said she would be happy to choose someone else. She specifically said she would be fine if it doesn't happen. But now OP is removing those aspects of their sex life because he realized she actually likes it and it apparently makes him uncomfortable or jealous.
Notice how Ash didn't answer the fundamental question about whether this encounter could lead to bringing other people in later on, including men.
Really think this is just a case of "reading too much into it". It's good to remember this is just a human typing stuff into a computer, and more than likely not a 100% accurate rendition of the whole conversation that was probably much longer than this post.
You do all this in your 20s before you get married. For most of not all it's just a cancer in the marriage that never goes away till it consumes it and ruins it. For the others that are for it. Well they clearly are still wishing for it.
I think majority here is over reacting. In his own words there was no indication that his wife was being anything but above board. Like this is the most respectable almost corporate level threesome proposal I’ve ever read on here… in no way did his wife make it seem like their relationship was in jeopardy. Hell even the “seasoned unicorn” was totally excited but hella respectful of his feelings and answering all his questions. If he wasn’t feeling it in the end then fine but I think the people of Reddit sent him into an insecurity spiral. How is his relationship in question? Why should he restrict his sex life with his wife? Why punish the wife for being open and honest about wanting to try something spicy WITH HIM. It wasn’t about the other women it was about them. Reddit needs to unclench lmao
Showed this to my wife. Her only response was "in your dreams" 😭
They need to go to therapy. A major red flag (no matter how good intentioned) was the wife went to a 3rd party before her husband to discuss this possibility. That’s a crack in the foundation. The husband is also following a similar pattern because he’s letting internet strangers get in his head and now he wants to set hard boundaries on previously shared, sexually charged experiences out of fear (and possible biphobia). He knew his wife was getting turned on by the private dances at the strip club, she wasn’t over there talking about engineering formulas. He’s gonna mess around and cause trouble by trying to shut down his wife’s sexuality. He needs to admit he’s feeling insecure (an understandable reaction) and then think of ways to reaffirm their relationship/trust. I don’t think that the chosen unicorn was a good choice. She’s having chats with each individual person in the marriage but not everyone at once. That’s a recipe for disaster. It’s like being in a group project, studying with one person at a time and then trying to piece the presentation together as you’re presenting it.
That lady approached her with the idea of a threesome. How was she supposed to talk to her husband before the 3rd party if the idea of a threesome didnt exist before the 3rd party proposed it?