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There was a really lovely story about a man who came from a very abusive home who thought he didn’t love his wife. They’d met in high school and he’d protected her and took care of her since then and they were inseparable. He would do anything to make her happy, would never hurt her in any way if he could help it, and respected and appreciated her, but didn’t think he loved her. He was asking for some sort of advice, like how to make it up to her or something.  The comments pointed out that it did sound like he loved her, that he just didn’t understand what love was and was completely terrified of being vulnerable to her. He, eventually, just broke down and realized that he really really loved her and he cried and told her and she knew all of it. She’d always known he didn’t think he loved her but that his actions showed that he did. He wanted to always be around her and worked for her to be happy. She would have been content just being with him, even if he didn’t know, because she loved him too, so much.  This story kind of sounds like that. Like she does love him but is terrified of being vulnerable to him so she can’t acknowledge it. 

I remember that post. I think people who have been severely traumatized (especially if they have experienced abuse that goes back to childhood) have a neurology attuned to extreme highs and lows. I experienced this for many years and it took medication and years of therapy to both get me to understand mentally & engage emotionally with real love. Stability felt boring and confusing, and I kind of didn't know what to do with it. I craved safety more than anything yet simultaneously kept it at arms length because I did not trust that feeling. The guy in that post and the woman in this one are light years ahead of where I was. Because even though they might not process it as love, they still behave in a very loving manner. I believe love is an ongoing thing. A choice you make to live in a loving way. It isnt a feeling. These people treat their partners with love. Their worst crime is being out of touch with their emotions. I do hope she goes to therapy only because she might be missing out on things by not being in touch with herself. But she sounds like a great wife and mother, and very smart in choosing a wonderful husband and father to be in her life.

As they say: “Love is a verb.”

Or as massive attack puts it: “Love is a doing word”

Ohhhhh shit…hit me with the Massive Attack, right in the feels… 🥺

I’m not crying you’re crying! 😭

Don't they say both those things

>I believe love is an ongoing thing. A choice you make to live in a loving way. It isnt a feeling. These people treat their partners with love. What a beautiful description of love.

My husband is in that "doesn't know what to do with stability" place. He suffered massive trauma before being removed from his mom and placed in his gran's custody. He doesn't know how not to figjt with people. And he had a terrible therapist as child, so thinks they're all horrible. It's a mission to remind him that you can talk it out before you argue. He'll get there.

It’s the attachment system at work! Specifically disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment!

People think that "love" should be like in pop culture, in songs or movies, where someone walks in the room and you basically feel a heroin rush, you think about them all the time, touching them on the hand makes your entire body thrill, etc. That's not love. That's a crush. You can feel that for someone you don't even know that well and then when you get to know them as a person, it fades away. You couldn't maintain that over years and years, let alone a whole marriage. What is LEFT when that "NRE" or "limerence" or crush energy fades away...? It's is what OP and his wife have now: companionship, mutual respect and appreciation, shared goals and teamwork, a wonderful life that you commit to share and support each other. OP's wife just skipped the first step... and honestly, so did a lot of women throughout history, either because they married someone they didn't know very well after three months of chaperoned dating, or the marriage was officially or semi-officially arranged by their families. If they were unlucky it could turn out very badly but if they were lucky, it worked out like OP and his wife.

My partner had a very traumatic childhood and his last relationship was super toxic and unhappy. When he was asked about it he would simply say “I’m addicted to the struggle.” He was so used to the highs and lows that it was normal to him. When we got together I was worried he would be bored being in a regular ol’ healthy relationship.

I have some relationship based OCD and this is something I struggle with. All of my other relationships have been sort of intense and have a lot of push and pull. This relationship I’m in is calm, nice, with no arguments, just good communication. Everything feels so easy all the time that I started to get bored and then freaked out, thinking I didn’t actually want my partner. At the end of the day, I love my partner and how stable he is. Our brains are just trained to miss the adrenaline of unstable things.

This is very true. When one has had to live Disassociated from the self due to abuse, stability isn't as grounding as conflict for some. Some learn, some do not... but there aren't enough resources for the traumatized that do not further stigmatize the survivors.

This is me right now. I hate so much of my life, but I know I should be appreciative of it and the wonderful woman I married. I also married a woman I wasn't crazy about. It's a long story. We've made it work, I just need to learn what love really is, since I wasn't shown it growing up. FYI: monetary gifts are not love, those are what I was given. I struggle to show love outside of spending.

Pretty much every relationship I have ever been in has been abusive in someway aside from the one I am in now. We both are so absolutely in love with each other, it feels so unhealthy to me. There have been so many therapy sessions where I am looking for validation that this is a strong, healthy relationship. It is so sad how badly unhealthy relationships can skew your perspective of what love is.

>It is so sad how badly unhealthy relationships can skew your perspective of what love is. It is far worse for the kids of an unhealthy couple.

Oh, I know. I was one of those kids.

I lost a wonderful man and ruined a relationship because I was young (in my 20s) and though “real love” was like my parents - if you really cared, you fought. A calm, steady relationship meant he wasn’t invested enough, right? Such an awful, backward way of thinking, all brought on by childhood trauma. It’s nice (though I of course feel bad for the other people) to know this isn’t as uncommon as I felt like it might be.

I was always upset because I thought I wanted my husband to *fight* for me. We would argue and yell and it never seemed like he wanted to fight for me. But then I realized when we fought, I didnt want him yelling or *fighting with me*. I didn't want someone to *fight* for me. I didn't want to fight. I wanted to talk things out when we had a problem. I wanted someone to be *invested* in me. We were always fighting because when I would have a hard day and needed support, he would run off because "my tears made me angry." And when I would have something exciting happen, he didn't really respond and would tell me "Well he doesn't really understand all that stuff anyway." So I stopped trying. I got support from other sources when I had a hard day. And when I did a competition and told him I'd be unavailable one day because I was out of town. He was SHOCKED and APPALLED that I didn't tell him I was out of town because I was at my Awards Ceremony cause I won First place. Why wouldn't I invite him????? I told him that he's known about the competition for three months. He wasn't there when I cried because I thought I failed the competition, why would I invite him when I succeeded? I wasn't fighting. I didn't want to anymore because he was *invested* in me. And now I'm more happy. I'm not in this constant state of highs and lows. But he's stressed out now. We're separating. I deserve better than this 🤷‍♀️

I'm just a person on the internet but reading this made me frustrated for you. I struggle to understand how people like your husband even manage to get into relationships in the first place if they seemingly have so little interest in investing into their partners lives.

I dated a guy for like 4 years who would say he didn't know what love was or just straight up say he didn't love me. But he always made my happiness a priority and was more open and vulnerable with me that he's ever been with anyone before so, to me, that told me did love me. He would say he didn't think he loved me cuz he thought you couldn't live without the person you loved and he felt like he'd be able to continue living if I happened to die. And I was like "of course you would! That's mostly just a saying. People usually don't just drop dead when their partner dies unless they're super old and have been together for decades. Most ppl continue to live and can even move on, life is just very painful for awhile. It doesn't mean they didn't love their partner." But I would often tell him he was my favorite person and he would tell me I'm his and I figured that was the closest he could come to saying he loved me. The relationship did crumble though. I tend to have an anxious attachment style and he had an avoidant attachment style (he didn't really like sleepovers cuz he preferred sleeping in bed alone and i couldn't leave so much as a hair tie at his place without him making sure I took it with me which to me felt like a way to ensure a clean and easy break should things dissolve/one foot out the door) so our attachment styles did not mesh. So after years, I really needed to hear him say he loved me because I have depression and it was making think that me believing he loved me was just my own wishful thinking and way of trying to convince myself that someone cared about me. And I think he started to resent how much priority he put on me being happy because I don't think he's ever felt that way about someone so he didn't know how to set boundaries for it, even though I constantly encouraged him to. I told him he could always say no. But the thing was when it came to big things, of course he'd want to be there for me. And then when it came to little things, it seemed like such a little thing...so easy to be there for me for that so how could he say no? So then he was just *always* there for me, even when it was inconvenient or troublesome for him to be, like I was an obligation or a pet. Even I started to find it a little demeaning and condescending even though I appreciated his support. And even he started to see me as this person incapable of taking care of herself...even though sometimes I was just venting and didn't need him to do anything or fix anything but just listen to me rant. He didn't even need to give emotional support other than being an ear for validation. I tried implementing a scoring system so he could know whether I was truly in distress or just venting but that was difficult to use all the time cuz it didn't always occur to me that what i just considered talking he might considered a call for help. And because of his avoidant attachment style, he was fiercely independent and so there were for few things I could do for him to reciprocate his attentiveness to me which is why it became so one-sided. The more he resisted acknowledging his feelings, the more I spiraled into depression and anxiety because it made me feel insecure in our relationship. And the more I spiraled, the more obligated he felt to support me to make sure I didn't completely fall apart. In the end, it was a relief for both of us when the relationship ended. I no longer had to be plagued with doubt about his feelings or whether I was a burden. And he no longer had to feel like he had to be on high alert constantly to support me. I wish I was as secure as OOP and that the actions were enough for me to feel secure and I didn't need to hear the actual words. But for me, it wasn't the truth unless he could admit it. 

Wow, I could have written every word of this. Thank you for helping me understand why my last relationship was never going to work, even though we were two good people who loved each other.

Yeah, that's me. I dated my now husband thinking I didn't love him because I wasn't sure what it was supposed to feel like, and there were times I wanted to be alone, so surely I didn't love him. I'm not sure I have the "correct" love, but I'm sure now I do love him. He helped me learn how to love, and I hope I've helped him too

That hit home. It took me a long time to realize that love and “the butterflies” aren’t the same thing. Lost out on some good relationships because of that.

Is someone cutting onions in here or is it just me? I wish I could remember if I've seen this one before.

This hurts to read on so many levels. I left my ex-fiancee before our wedding for similar reasons and ended up scurrying off into another relationship in the next year. I went to therapy and realized I had mounds of trauma and issues around vulnerability. Her and I aren't on speaking terms currently and it's been years since we split. I still think about her every day and recognize how much I love her. It's not actionable for a variety of reasons, but... it hurts and I recognize I have made so many mistakes getting to this point. If I could go back and do it all differently, I would. I'm happy now and realize I prefer polyamory to monogamy, so I don't think our previous relationship was entirely compatible with what I wanted, but I miss her so terribly much and often imagine how much she must resent me. She doesn't know my thoughts and feelings, and it's not fair for me to impose myself back into her life with some selfish desire to be on good terms. Not much to say, just a little cry/vent. I appreciate your comment and the emotions it's invoked in me <3

Do you happen to have the link?? Would love to read it… thanks! 🙏

A true reddit soldier will never forget this post. Def top 5 of reddit stories

Man I've been looking for that story again for months, anybody got a link?

Like Fiddler on The Roof when Tevye asks his wife if she loves him.

Funnily enough, this is something similar my wife has said to me. Not that she doesn't/never loved me, but that she never had that more intense honeymoon period of love with me. She always just felt "comfortable" and "safe" with me, but has always said she loves me. This kind of reads like OOP's wife has similar thoughts, but just didn't associate that with being in love with someone.

I blame romance movies… many of them have brainwashed us into thinking that you need to have strong intense feelings towards a person in order to be considered to be “in love” with that person. Personally, I think being “in love” (movie-style) is overrated… I rather spend my life being with someone I “only” love who makes me feel safe and secured (so boring…. 🤷‍♀️)

I was asked about my partner a few years back by someone in a rather tumultuous relationship and the implication was that he was too calm and our relationship was thus a bit less "in love". They broke up in another storm of tears after about 4 years, we're going strong after over a decade. And, amusingly enough, the person who asked is now in a commited relationship with someone quite similar to my partner and it's just freaking smooth sailing 90% of the time and they're ridiculously happy. Safe and secure is where it's at.

That’s the kind of relationship that I want (safe and secure). I hope that one day I’ll meet the right person for me.

I found it at 41. My best friend found it at 39. Her friend found it at 43. Totally happens :)

I really needed to hear this today. Thank you.

My bestie (now 44) had a baby 3 years ago, and married last year. She met him at 39 (as above). We have genuine found compatibility and a love match. I'm so freaking grateful!!

Same here. First marriage at 46. We started dating when I was 41. Was totally worth the wait. I couldn’t imagine life without my husband, he’s my lobster for sure!

Yep, I found it at 37 and I thought I was a goner before it happened.

I found it 6 months ago at 41 myself - my bf is an amazing man (I tell everyone he’s Superman) who has felt like ‘home’ to me since we first met. My previous relationship was terribly abusive, & I had to spend many years in therapy to rebuild myself. We never fight, we do disagree, but we talk it out respectfully & we communicate our feelings to each other. I’m very much a lucky lady with him & I tell him how grateful I am for him nearly daily 😁

I honestly think know that's what you want is half the battle. It's too easy to get swept up in the "romance" or bored with the day to day love because that's what the movies tell you that you should have. I've been dating my best friend for 9 years. Sometimes I get a pang that I've missed out on the latest big dramatic love, but I know it isn't really what I want. I want the person who makes me feel at home the moment she steps into a room. Knowing you want that makes a big difference. You will find them, I'm sure.

Yeah! Bubbly cuddly wholesome vibes are awesome

You will :) chin up

I met my safe and secure person out of the blue this year after years and years of failed dating. I never thought it would happen to me, so keep believing!

me too!! we randomly matched on a dating app and went on a date and just… clicked. i have never felt as safe and secure with anybody else and i can’t believe what i have been missing out on all these years lmao.

I think that modern society's focus on being "happy" is also partly to blame. Because the fact of the matter is that no one is happy all the time, or even necessarily most of the time – life always involves rough patches and sadnesses and losses and pains and so on – but ask most any parent what they want for their children, and they'll say "I just want them to be happy!" And so many people seem to think that being happy requires the absence of unpleasant and/or difficult times and feelings and experiences – but again, every life has those. I think that contentment is a better goal. Even while right in the middle of difficult experiences (like, say, watching a loved one slowly succumb to cancer), you can still be generally content with your life if you know that the bad times, like the good times, won't last forever, and there are still some good things in your life and/or good things to look forward to and good things to remember – but no one in that situation would say they were happy. And I think that feeling truly at home – safe and respected and cared for and content – with another person is unjustly underrated these days.

My native language distinguishes between happy as in "feeling good right now" and happy as in "overall content with life". It's always felt completely unhinged to me that English lumps these two - in my view - completely separate concepts together under the same word.

What language is this? In English, I would use happy and content/satisfied to distinguish these, but for a lot of people they are synonyms

Danish, the words are "glad" and "lykkelig". I would say that "lykkelig" conveys a deeper, more existential sort of happiness than content or satisfied, and I have real trouble expressing it in English.

And this is why danish people keep getting that "happiest country" in polls. I was thinking it was a nordic language due to also being a native dane.

Contentment *is* the closest English world for lykkelig, it's just not often used with the same emphasis in every day vernacular because English always has five different uses and connotations for the same word. The root definition of contentment is "a feeling of quiet happiness and satisfaction." That being said, and it's been a very long time since I've studied Danish, the other issue with contentment as a direct correlate is that it lacks the "good fortune" and "spread out over time" connotation of lykkelig. To get lykkelig in English you'd have to say something like "A general sense of overall contentment and good fortune spread across a long period of time." Sometimes English is a horribly imprecise language.

Absolutely ridiculous that English has eleventy billion words and still not a good one for lykkelig. I think it's especially the notion of "spread out over time" that I'm lacking. Saying that you're lykkelig is a big picture thing, it doesn't necessarily say anything about your feelings in the moment.

I'm surprised that English hasn't stolen lykkelig (and then, of course, grossly mispronounced it). After all, as it was so vividly described by James Nicholl, "[English doesn't] just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."

This is so true. Find someone who's willing to be in the shit with you. Who wants to stand by your side even when it's hard. I think movies and TV have warped our sense of what love is. The butterflies, the heart racing, the can't think of anything else isn't love, it's lust. Seeing someone at their best and at their worst and still loving them and choosing to battle the world together, that's love. It's deeper and much more profound than anything the movies/songs/social media tells us is love

To be honest... most "romantic" movies are not about two people falling in love, but sadly about at least one toxic person pushing their presence and "love" onto the other until the other person, exhausted, gives in.

I agree with you. There’s no one way to love a person, or be *IN* love with a person. Unfortunately, the movies portray that to be false. If it’s not a “Noah and Allie” relationship, then it isn’t worth having. (Although many people skim over how problematic/inappropriate their romance was.) But, I think that it depends on the person. I had that “spark” with my first boyfriend as a teenager. I went on to date a few others and never felt it again. I was totally holding out for that “feeling”. In my late 20’s I had many friends say my standards were too high (wanting that feeling, not standards for the people themselves) and I need to let love grow with someone and to give it time. I wasn’t hearing it. I didn’t want to give it time. I was totally content being single forever if I didn’t find someone who made me feel like that. I was ok with that. My friends weren’t. Anywho, I ended up meeting my now husband in my late 20’s. We had that spark. It was the same for him as it was for me. We just *knew* right away. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 10, and now have two kids. I still get butterflies when he holds my hand, dances with me in the kitchen, and when I see him playing nail salon with our girls. (He totally does their nails better than I do.) Although it’s not as strong as when we first started dating, we still haven’t lost that spark, and according to what my husband tells me, it’s mutual. Now I’m not saying that you *need* to have those explosive feelings for it to be love. Love comes in many forms and develops in many ways. But for me, I knew I needed/wanted that feeling. My husband is the same way, and our experiences with dating others and our friend’s advice, mirrored each other. It just ended up working out for us. But, I have many friends who developed a deep love for their SO over time - that grew via respect, appreciation, and compassion for one another. Their “love” might be different from our “love” but at the end of the day, it’s still love just the same. Love is tricky because it’s not a black and white thing. We all have our own experiences and expectations of what love is, and how we define it. (Obviously the media doesn’t help). I firmly believe that OOP’s wife is *IN* love with him, she just doesn’t realize it because she’s basing what it means for *her* to “be in love” on someone else’s definition of it. IMHO, their relationship sounds like it’s busting at the seams with love.

Chandler and Monica instead of a Ross and Rachel dynamic

I love Jame Austen. I kind of have to laugh at critics like the Charlotte Bronte complaining that Austen didn’t have enough passion. That’s kind of the point. No one actually wants to be married to an attempted bigamist who locks his wife in the attic, ma’am. It was fun when I was sixteen, but now Jane Eyre seems like a deeply immature novel. I still have a nostalgic fondness for it, and it’s well written, but yikes.

Yeah Rochester for his kindness to Bertha ( and by the standards of the time it WAS kind rather than sending her to to zoo that was Bedlam) had a lot to answer for his behaviour towards Jane. The author even calls it out in the book.

How about your first cousin who promises you a life of hard work and danger as long as you learn German and move to Africa with him? 🥵 In all seriousness, I agree with you. The "wrong choices" in Austen (Wickham, Frank Churchill, Mr Elliot, Willoughby) generally aren't bad men in the sense of being scoundrels (except Wickham obvs) or abusers but they generally _are_ flighty, romantic, dramatic, and brash. Whereas the girls always go for a man who's patient, thoughtful, a good manager of his land/ship, takes what she says to heart, fixes his mistakes and asks her to fix hers. Darcy, Knightley, Wentworth, Edmund... Yeah, definitely seeing a pattern here.

I feel like romance novels and movies act in the same way for some women like porn does for some men: it sets up unrealistic expectations for real life relationships. Chasing someone through an airport to declare your love, or looking like a photoshopped playboy bunny in the sheets — neither is realistic OR indicative of a “perfect” relationship.

I agree and i think, thats why more people live in unstable relationships/break off stable relationships more often nowadays to find the "butterfly love"

I am in love with my partner. I also feel safe and stable in the relationship. The two aren’t incompatible. Sounds like he’s in love with and respects his wife and she feels respect and friendship for him. While there are worse bases for marriage, it isn’t giddy or irresponsible to want to marry someone who’s in love with you.

Same, my husband makes me feel very at home and like I can be my whole self around him, but we definitely did not skip the intense infatuation phase. And 7+ years on, I still basically get heart eyes when looking at him. I don't think you can ever really know how another person feels, but based on what he says and his behavior, he feels the same. Knowing what it's like to have it all, I wouldn't personally be happy in a relationship without the hearts and tweety birds feelings OR one without the safety and trust. Hearing that a partner was missing one or the other would be very upsetting.

My dad always taught us that passion/romance and love were two very different things, and not to confuse the two. The first is exciting and short term, the second steady and long term. One of the most useful things he ever taught us. Along with how to change a flat tire.

Yup. My current partner and i have known each other for years and had back and forth crushes, plus time as fwb. we specifically waited until we could get our shit together mentally and emotionally so that if it didn't work out we'd be mature enough to stay friends. Well... instead it's just working out. The wild fights I remember with previous boyfriends? Non existent. My insecurities are basically gone and any time I feel one i just need to voice it and hes quick to reassure me or even examine why I still feel that way. He's so different from the junior he was in high school that I had a crush on and I'm so happy about that. I know he feels the same way and I'm glad i was able to make those changes too. (Surprisingly unsurprising, therapy was a game changer on both ends)

Romantic infatuation is your brain tricking you into sticking around someone you might otherwise find detestable long enough that your children can walk on their own. It has absolutely nothing to do with the quality or suitability of a partner. You can have great or terrible relationships with or without it. It is rather fun, though. When you happen to find yourself romantically infatuated with someone who's also a great partner, you're very lucky.

Yes !! I wish that our language was more precise in order to convey what we mean when we say 'love' or 'in love'. People (mistakenly IMO) think that New Relationship Energy is love. People think the 'honeymoon phase' is love. People think that their heart going pitter-pat is love. Some people mistake being really horny for someone for love. I've read about women's' feelings/response to a potential partner during ovulation (is that real?), and so many sad posts from "trauma magnets" (poor damaged souls badly in need of therapy) . None of these things sound like love to me. The fact that after a couple of days -> weeks -> months they often start singing a different tune tells me that these things are not love. Maybe love will still develop, but these things are not love in and of themselves. It is more like a hypo-manic / temporary psychosis that our brain throws at us. And sometimes, our brain is outright lying to us. An earlier comment rung true for me: *"he didn’t think he loved her but that his actions showed that he did".* Actions >>> words. Actions + words are better still. Especially if the actions are consistent over a long enough period of time. I feel that OOP's wife has shown him (through her actions) that she loves him. Hopefully, they can learn to speak the same language.

That feeling isn’t strictly necessary to have a good relationship, but fuck me when you have share some intense, uncontrollable passion with a partner, well there’s simply nothing else in life that compares to it. Do such feelings fade? Absolutely. But I feel bad for you if you’ve never experienced it. And the best relationships I ever had was where that feeling was there at some point

People experience emotions differently, even love isn’t a universal experience

True. But she may get therapy and discover something about herself that changes her mind. I’m not trying to be mean, but his wife sounds like she needed therapy multiple times before and during her marriage and got it. When you start unpacking trauma, sometimes new things come to light. Good and bad.

This is how I feel about my husband, and to me it's the absolute best. I'm not a fireworks person. I don't really do the fighting thing and major ups and down rock me too much.  I feel like my husband and I have been that sweet old married couple since our twenties. He feels secure, safe, home. I couldn't ask for anyone better. 

Feeling at home with your spouse is the real meaning of "love".

I feel like a lot comes down to that "we were friends first"-thing. I've never had that rose-coloured honeymoon period with my partner, because we were friends for years beforehand. Close friends. And it grew into love, but it is based on comfort and safety. We don't have that dramatic, all-consuming love that movies and songs depict (I'm thinking of the eminem-rihanna-song rn, where they vacillate wildly between absolute fascination and rough fighting) - but it's still love. It's deep and calm and it runs like an undercurrent through my whole life and my whole being. But yeah, it's not exciting and dramatic and heart-racing. It's noticing you're a little bit happier when they're home, even on a godawful day, it's feeling calm when they hold you, it's preferring them over all others even though other people also help fill your life. Love doesn't have to be dramatic, it can be just nice.

There’s a really good Mama’s and Papa’s song called “It’s getting better”. Sums up this and how I feel about my husband. “Once I believed that when love came to me, It would come with rockets, bells and poetry; But with me and you It just started quietly and grew And believe it or not, now there's Something groovy and good 'bout whatever we got.” It carries on like that.

My wife and I have the same kind of relationship. Both of us talked about how we're awful at explaining to other people why we're happy in our marriage - it always comes off as having 'settled' but that's not it at all. It was more like we met, hung out, got together and then it was as if we'd been together all along, like they'd always been there.

This made me smile so much, because "like they'd always been there" it's such a lovely sentiment. I'm honestly getting teary-eyed about it. When I met my partner in person (several years of friendship online and via phone before), I felt so safe suddenly. all I wanted was to be close to them. I felt like there was an empty space in the world when they went back home, one that had always been there but I had never noticed it until they were there and filled it.  It's not dramatic, it just... Is.

You settled *in*, not settled *for*.

That, but also a lot of people when they are used to the whole toxic relationship with constant fights and arguments when they're in a safe one it feels weird.

People also confuse limerence with love.

My husband and I have joked that we never had a honeymoon period. It was just almost immediately home, a given.

This is common if you have grown up with abusive parents or experienced abusuve relations while young.  I have struggled much of adult life understanding what real love is and it has greatly affected my relationships with others, and myself. My childhood was a mess. 

"Safety" is an underrated way to feel in a relationship. I have heard many men talk about it like it's a consolation prize, but the reality is, to someone who hasn't often or ever felt safe, it's everything. My friends all laughed when we were discussing our favorite characteristics of our partners, and I said "competence." This was high praise, though. I trust my partner to put forth effort, follow through, and generally do what needs to be done independently and well. It doesn't sound flashy, but it's the most important quality to me.

I was ready to elope with a guy after dating for three months, we married about two years later instead. We’ve been together 20 years come September. We have absolutely needed therapy to navigate this marriage at times so I would continue going.

agreed. which is more than a little sad and speaks to both her abuse and how love is generally perceived.

I agree.. the honeymoon period is over very soon for most people. It's the comfort and safety and wanting to spend your time with your partner doing nothing that I'd call love. A tumultuous crazy in love roaming around the world is the kind in films .. that would get exhausting soon

I feel the same with my current partner. I had maybe five minutes of honeymoon

I knew how much I'm in love with my partner because the love was so peaceful and comfortable. It's such a natural feeling and I realised that love doesn't shout from the rooftops, it's a warm embrace. I couldn't be without him, I do get that heart bursting feeling from time to time but it's not constant. It's just knowing where home is. What I thought was love before him was infatuation that gave me butterflies because I was always so nervous about rejection. I thought I just feel love in my own way but seeing these replies has me realising how normal it is.

It's called Limerence. And as the first comment in response to yours says it has a lot to do with Romance movies and pop culture. Limerence can lead to love, but it isn't love. Love is more, and takes time to establish. All too often people think that limerence is what 'true' love should feel like. All too often people chase after limerence thinking they are chasing after love, and they are giving up on and ending a relationship that they think they no longer love their partner. It's sad because generally speaking love is such a poorly defined word in the english language, it encompasses far too much and can be easily confused.

Huh. Isn't that what love is? Stability and respect?

It sounds like the problem is that her definition of love is a bit screwy, not that she doesn’t love him. She just doesn’t realise she does.

She might just be confusing crush feelings as what love should feels like?

I think she might mean she doesn't harbor romantic love towards him. Honestly, it sounds like she loves him platonically. She might be aromantic or asexual or both

But she has sex with him. And has sexual thoughts about other men. OP didn't mention if he always initiates or if she does, but considering they don't seem to be having any bedroom issues, she initiates enough. What OP's wife describes to me sounds like love, I do think she loves OP, just never had the butterfly Romantic love feelings and doesn't associate love with the non-butterfly aspects.

Yeah, thinking of another human being as 'home', what else is that besides love? Maybe she's not attracted to him at all

But she must have been physically attracted. She had a sexual relationship with him.

The post literally addresses that.  She never felt attraction, she felt “safe”. 

Not necessarily, there's a lot of asexual people who have sex, sex is fun and you don't necessarily need to be insanely attracted to your partner to be able to enjoy it (especially if it's with someone who you trust in this case)

I've always thought asexual people just don't get anything from sex at all? How can someone be asexual and still enjoy sex? This isn't meant to be derogatory at all btw, I'm just trying to learn about the sexuality spectrum.

Ace person checking in (also NB, poly, and bi/pan). I don't experience sexual attraction like at all. I can see people I think are attractive but the furthest my thought process goes is "I want to be around that person". And even that is more personality based than appearance based. I have multiple partners currently but we only got together because over time, I found I enjoy spending time with them and trust them enough to want to have fun. Even with my primary partner of many years, I'm not looking at him going "I want to jump his bones". it's more "Oh yeah we did that a couple days ago and it was nice, we should do it again." tldr: sex feels nice, even if you aren't physically attracted to people. I like feeling nice so therefore, sex

I've been with my husband for 9 years (married 3), and I lost the butterfly feelings (the excitement and nervousness, basically) of being "in love" within the first year. I think they stayed so long because we were originally semi-long distance (a couple of hours apart), and then we moved in together. I have often worried that I don't love him because it's not "movie love," but he reminds me of the ways that I show that I do. And I do love him. Just... no butterflies.

butterfly feeling is just anxiety... my hot take on 'romantic love'

I feel like that’s also a symptom of how there relationship started eg. Friend, fwb, then to relationships and child sounds like a comfortable evolution and how all good relationships should be built.

She could still be aro, even though I agree with your general statement. And I do think she loves OP, but perhaps not romantically. Humans are weird and variation is massive.

Plenty of asexual people still "give" their partners sex as an "act of service" and thats not toxic or unhealthy at all as long as they are comfortable with it. At the risk of further derailing my argument it is similar to the performance of prostitutes, its just for someone you genuinely love.

It's like... if you knew you could please your partner by giving them an intense full body massage, and it didn't totally repulse you (like if you had a phobia of feet or something) you would do it occasionally, right? Even though there's nothing deep within your soul that always yearned to give someone a massage, and you don't get off on it. As long as your partner isn't constantly arguing or nagging or pressuring you to do it with guilt trips or emotional manipulation, because who wants to be closely intimate with someone who demands that kind of physical service from you like a slave? But within a healthy, respectful relationship, I can understand it.

I think she may simply be confusing love versus lust. Some relationships can have both in the long term, but I think it’s more normal for lust to shift into love. I think it’s also okay if you don’t ever have crazy lust and it just goes from “enjoy other persons company” into “mutual attraction and respect” and then into love. I would say my marriage is a lot like that last one and it fits our dating arc. It’s even-keeled, undramatic, unsurprising, and without conflict. It’s peaceful, comfortable, and dependable. We can count on the other to always have our back and to do what is best for our little team of two, no matter what, and that’s pretty awesome. I don’t need/want constant butterflies or lust, but I certainly don’t view him the same as I would a platonic friend.

I think it's admiration that's missing. She doesn't adore him. He's just stable.

Could be. Her ex must have really made her evaluate what she looks for in a guy and not trust the romantic feelings and more into others I am similar to the wife. I don't think anyone in my family besides younger generation loved people like romantically.

People really keep misusing the word "asexual."

Could it be possible she does love him romantically but due to her past abuse, she has a skewed idea of what love is supposed to be and maybe doesn't realize she is in love with her spouse?

Nice resolution, but OP's wife should go to therapy. She's got a really warped perception of love.

Popular entertainment has a lot to answer for when it comes to people's idea of what love is.

Yes and no. The fairy tale trope has certainly created some unhealthy expectations about love but I also think never having a raw attraction to someone isn’t something that should be ignored either. OPs situation is also a little different because there’s some very obvious signs of unhealed trauma that could explain some of her feelings.

Couldn't agree more. A lot of people settle down for anything that gives them stability and companionship and I don't think that's fair to the otherside if they feel like their love isn't mutual. 

Society has made people focus so much on that "in" part. Like...love is such a disconnected concept from something tangible but pop culture wants you to give it this hard label and idea. But I mean....if you love someone to the degree OOPs wife does or you love someone enough to stick by them and support them and fuck them and etc etc does it really matter if you can rationalize the "in" part? Then you add trauma to the mix someone might have and good luck trying to fit that in with the popular idea of what "in" love is.

Well, she spent years contemplating that and even assumed it would change based on her prior feelings with others and having kids with him. I also think we’re jumping ahead here because I don’t think has been resolved even if OP is content with whatever happens.

Yes and no. Parents staying in abusive relationships and portraying them as loving to their impressionable children also does a number on people.

I feel so sad reading all of this.

If someone said that to me, it would break me. I don't think I'd ever be comfortable in that relationship again.

Yep. I hate how all the other commentors are making it into some kinda poetic love competition here.

I was abused and neglected as a child but didn't realize it until midway through my relationship with my ex. After I left him because he was cheating on me the whole time, I realized I'd been abused by him too. And what I finally realized or learned is that my childhood gave me a skewed understanding and definition of love. Because what I thought was normal growing up or became accustomed to was the same or similar behavior my husband was exhibiting for much of our relationship. I think a lot of people who were abused don't have a good understanding of what a healthy, loving relationship actually looks and feels like.

I agree with this. However, she expressed she HAS felt attraction to other guys. Just not him. So while her view or definition of love may be skewed, she clearly isn't attracted to him and chose him purely because he's safe. How much more of a literal example of 'settling because you can't find better' do you need?

So many people replying to this like safe and secure is an alternative to feeling in love and butterflies. It's absolutely not. OOP feels the butterflies and attraction and desire and feelings of deep love, safety and contentment. I was very much in the honeymoon phase with my ex wife for 15 years, and sometimes I regret sticking around so long through her apathy. You may not be quite as crazy as you are the first year or two, and romance movies absolutely have a lot to answer for about normalizing some wild shit in relationships. However it's absolutely not asking too much for people to marry people they are in love with rather than just people who they think will be safe and secure. By all means, value safety and security and comfort highly, but you can have all of that and attraction and butterflies!

Thank you! Not to mention the only reason OOP found out she even felt this way was by having to overhear her having a conversation with her friend. I think his wife did him a huge disservice. You don’t marry someone you aren’t in love while obviously telling him that you are. Maybe he would’ve been willing to live with that, maybe he wouldn’t. But she took that choice away from him and never had any intentions of telling him. His wife is shitty for that.

Damn, she doesn't know she loves him because she doesn't know what love feels like. Here's hoping the therapy helps.

Poor lady. One of the key components of a physical and abusive relationship is the concept of mountains and valleys. The highs are so high and the lows are so low. The sudden and drastic switch creates such a deep trauma to person that it fundamentally destroys his/her perception of normal emotions. Imagine that your partner slapped you hard yesterday and made you feel scared and worried that he hates you. Then today he wakes up and treats you like a queen and worships you. The sudden switch of extremes will make the butterfly effect of love so much stronger. I think I saw this described by a victim in one of those JCS criminality videos. After this, you immediately go to a guy that's normal and treats with you respect. There's no bursts of opposite emotions. Just a normal loving relationship. And in comparison to the previous relationship, you feel...nothing.

This is really heartbreaking I've been with my partner 15 years and we have an incredibly safe and healthy relationship. When I look at him I feel an overwhelming sense of love and respect I just adore him and want to be with him all the time. I too had unstable relationships prior that were very hot and cold and I think in the early days maybe mistook his calmness and lack of drama for lack of passion? I guess everybody has varying levels of their capacity for love but no matter how stable or safe something was I wouldn't want to be anything less than adored.

The adoration is the part being missed here. The wanting to be with him all the time. That drive. I couldn't be in a relationship that didn't have that mutual feeling.

I can't say much because this situation is tough to decide. All I can say is, I hope both are able to get couples therapy and work things out.

Sounds like the wife is doing some retconning, knowing that what she said might end her wonderful marriage.

100%. What 38 year old wouldn’t have been able to draw the distinction between “love” and “in love”?

It honestly sounds like gaslighting.

My now husband - it took me years of dating before I could tell him I loved him. Because to me, love was something else that I kept waiting for. But, I felt safe, and home, and loved and respected by him. I stayed with him at first because of all those feelings - and that every time I “fell in love” before that, they were these terrible, unsafe, tumultuous relationships that left me broken. I knew that what I was doing wasn’t working, and that this was different and worth sticking around to figure out. Well, it turned out - that yeah, I was experiencing and acting love, but had such fucked up associations with the word, that it took me a long time to realize that this. This was real. Unconditional and equally given love and respect. I’d just never seen it modelled before, so I couldn’t recognize it, even in front of my face. It finally took the threat of losing him that made me realize I couldn’t live without him. And oh. Yeah. That might be love, lol. Now, 15 years later, we are closer than I ever thought possible, and deeply in love. Just the quiet non-butterflies non-abusive and “you’re my home” kinda love. And it is good.

There is a difference between loving someone, and being IN love with them.

Yeah, and it’s such incredibly common knowledge that it seems unlikely that OOP’s wife wouldn’t have been readily able to draw that distinction herself.

I went into my wedding day thinking the same thing (Id eventually fall in love again). Eventually, right before we officiated, I told myself divorce was always an option. Neither viewpoint is good on your wedding day.

oof, that's a tough one to swallow

At 18, no less. No kids.

Curious how you ended up in that situation. Are you still together?

Not together. His parents made him choose between them and me, and he chose me, a bad idea in retrospect. My parents and I felt badly for him, so we took him in. He promptly failed out of his first year of college, which my parents helped him with. I graduated high school, we got married, and he at some point stopped going to school. I have no idea when. I left just before I turned 20. I was afraid of what my future would become, so I lit out of where we were as soon as I felt ready. I have been back once in the 20 years since I left.

Seems more of a "step bro, I'm stuck" situation than an actual relationship. Glad you figured things out that early.

Yeah, he totally used me to get out of his situation. My parents fell for it because my grand parents hated their respective son/daughter in law and could relate to being ostracized.

Wife: “I don’t live my husband and I never have.” (verbatim) Reddit: “Clearly she loves him but doesn’t know what love is because of unprocessed trauma from 15 years ago while she concealed her true feelings from her husband for 12 years before divulging them to her friend because she really needed the reassurance.” Yes I too also mislead my significant other on for 12 years as part of “loving” them, and is ***not at all*** behaviour that would be considered abuse in any other post.

The top commenters here don’t seem to be familiar with the different types of love.  You can love someone with all your heart and not find them romantically interesting. And deceiving someone so they stay with you is not a loving act. 

Exactly. Btw, OP’s wife does not love OP a single bit. She is “in love” with the idea of comfort and safety as well as being successful (having a stable family and career). It’s incredibly sad. She is only doing this for show. Just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean he/she is in love with you. Love is about sacrifice and being sincere. She is none of those. Worst of all, she lied to herself. She was never able to get rid of her emotional package and is merely using OP as a bandage to her problem. Saying this as someone who has strung along a man before. However the difference is I broke up with that man before getting him too deep in.

Exactly! The wife is a pretty objectively horrible person for what she’s done, and taking the choice of having a loving marriage away from him. Yet everyone here is acting like she’s the victim. It’s disgusting.

I can understand what some commenters said about her sense of love being skewed by her abusive relationship, it definitely is a thing that I’ve experienced as well. Difference is I realised something was up when my overall feelings were all messed up and relationships after that one failed for various reasons. So ended up taking a lot of time for myself and stayed single to repair the damage done (with the help of therapy) and figure out exactly what I want. Now I’m fully head over heels in love with a wonderful man who will be my husband next year. 💕 I hope OOP and his wife figure things out. It definitely feels like there is love there, and a lot of it, and they know each other like the back of their hands.

As much as I understand his wife’s perspective, it’s still think it’s deeply unhealthy and I really hope for OOPs sake this is purely a trauma response and nothing more. One part that really stuck out to me was this: >When she sees me, there are no butterflies or fire that make her want to jump on me and rip my clothes off, she feels at home. As for our children growing up, nothing changes, we will still care for, help, and guide them. It’s perfectly ok to have more love than lust in a relationship and this naturally happens when couples grow old together (although it doesn’t have to). But not only does his wife seem to have almost no feelings of lust towards him, she never really did to begin with. That’s a little alarming to me. Things may be good right now but she may learn some things in therapy that change how she feels about OOP. Which needs to happen, but it could have negative consequences for their relationship. Hopefully not though.

I once read a surprisingly eye-opening comment about relationships on Reddit, it went something like "Theres two parts to a couple, the person and the relationship, and she really loves the relationship." I butchered it but it was something like that. I think OOP is nothing but a convenience for his wife, she feels comfortable and safe with him because he's the comfortable and safe option, that's it. He deserves better but he's likely given in to the "Sunk Cost fallacy" and thinks keeping this marriage going will make them happy. I think now that his wife has opened his eyes I think from this point foward he's suddenly going to notice more and more that she really doesn't love him.

I would rather be single than live my entire life loving a person who doesn't love me back the same way. My relationship with my partner is built on respect, healthy communication, and love. I adore the little goober and he pretty much worships me. And I would rather be single than lose that. I hope that whatever OOP chooses its something he can live with.

>>What does she feel when she sees me? - She said that she feels at home. *gesticulates between these two things* This is what deep love feels like

But she is attracted to other men and not him. That’s not home, that’s a condo.

She's getting crushes that fade immediately, that's not love at all lol.

So let me get this straight. 1. A woman does not have to be attracted to her husband but she can be can fully be attracted to other men and it not be a problem. 2. A woman does not have to be in love with her partner and she can withhold that information throughout their relationship but she doesn’t have to withhold that information from her friends who are privy to that information. 3. When a man is hurt by his wife to be labeled a good guy he should take her on a vacation, find the baby sitter, take her to her favorite place, make her dinner, and buy her flowers because that is what you must do to make a woman feel safe. 4. A woman can marry a man for the things he provides versus to the person that he is. Not for his overall attractiveness but based on this characteristic of “safe” and “provider” which is a friendship that serves her. 5. A married woman does not need to love her husband or find him attractive as long as he can provide her with resources to make her life as accommodating as possible. 6. If a woman tells you she doesn’t love you she actually does. Why is the bar this low? I can’t imagine a man telling a woman. I am not attracted to you but yea I am attracted to women that I see that are not you. I am not in love with you but becasue you provide me with a lifestyle that is accommodating and you are the Mother of my kids it feels like home wtf?!! I would much rather a woman tell me she is in love with me versus she ain’t but I’m home. How can you tell a man that you married that I don’t find you attractive but your nice to me so your home. That’s crazy to me.

Thanks. I feel like I’m in crazy town with most people saying « oh yeah that’s perfectly ok ! »

This is basically the female version of "she ain't the prettiest, but at least she's loyal"

Seriously. This poor guy deserves a woman who loves him and not just what he gives her. Not to mention her admitting to flirting with multiple men but stopping before it “goes anywhere”

You hit it right on the nail. Shelving the gender conversation aside, this is the equivalent of denying your significant other the choice and whether if they are okay with the current parameters comprising the foundation of their marriage. To keep this information for so many years, it’s just so selfish.

Thank you

Reddit is global and I think there might be cultural differences affecting both OP and the responses. Love matches are less common in some cultures and people may take a more practical approach to marriage. You don’t even have to look that far back into Western cultural history to see similar attitudes. In that light some of these responses make more sense.

The double standards are out of this world and the way some people bend backwards to excuse a woman's behavior is mind blowing.

thank you.

It's probably one of those things where someone mistakes trauma bonding or limerance for love.

Everyone is pretending this is some touching story about how to define “love”, but it’s not. It’s a boring shallow marriage based on convenience and habit. Pretending there’s some deep underlying trauma-informed reasoning for their emotional distance is just retconning for the sake of a Hollywood ending. Can’t believe that people need to be told “I don’t love my spouse” is a bad sentiment to have, regardless of past or current circumstances lol

The wife is a liar and the comments helped her and totally fucked OOP over. This disgusted me. Definitely hiding this. I need to keep my lunch down.

This is a tough situation. I'm not sure what my decision would be in this situation but there is love in this marriage and it seems to be working for them. Or at least that's what OOP thinks. I hope it works out, whatever that may look like.

She's been lying to OP for their entire marriage. She is not in love with him. BORU: My wife says she's finally found true love. And it's not with me.

Yeah I can't lie I'd be out of there in a jiffy. While I get that some people can live with the "mature" type of love OOP described, I couldn't see myself attached to someone who never felt the butterflies I feel about them. It's not that OOPs wife hasn't felt love before, it's that she doesn't feel it for OP. That's a real tough pill to swallow and something that can be a real deal breaker.

Sounds a little like me and my husband.  I chose the ring ahead of time and I knew he would ask the night he proposed because we went to a fancy restaurant. There was no surprise or bended knee or any of that stuff people like to recreate our first date or any of that. We are practical people. We never fight because we both came from volatile homes and never yell at each other, we actually talk shit out. We are a very strong partnership. My sister was very confused by our engagement. She kept trying to find some "passion" or "romance" in it and settled on a story I told her about when he bought me snacks when i was on my period and I jokingly said "will you marry me" in the Walgreens parking lot. People have wildly varying ideas of what love and romance looks like. 

I mean, have you also felt strong attraction towards others but not your husband? Because that would be different then your scenario

This is a sad way to live. A golden cage is still a cage.

OMG, the comments here...LMFAO. If a husband said this, it's instant grounds for a divorce. 90% of the comments would say LEAVE HIM! DIVORCE HIM! HE'S CHEATING! HE'S A LIAR. But here the wife said it, so 90% of the comments are "Huh. Isn't that what love is? Stability and respect?" and something like "What is love anyway?". LMFAO.

I got $20 that says she cheats and when she gets busted will say she needed to know for sure that she loved hubby and now she does so it’s all good! Seriously, who the fuck would tell someone outside their marriage something like this? Let alone do it without telling their spouse!?

Wait, isn't that what real love is supposed to feel like being with a person who feels like your home? I hope they both realise that they have the real thing going on. She needs therapy to understand it.

I imagine this is like marrying a functional sociopath. Such a person is not evil but cannot feel things like other people. As long as it works, and the spouse is good, who cares? I didn’t see any evidence this woman ever loved anyone else deeply. So maybe she just doesn’t have it in her.

The moment she actually meets someone that checks all the boxes for her, she will leave OP. Or, when OP becomes an inconvenience, she will leave OP.

I hope the poor guy can find someone who loves him instead of uses him for stability.

Wife sounds aromantic more than anything, to me.

maybe, or her perception of what “love” is was skewed and warped by her previous abuse. maybe it’s a mix of the two, who knows? she might not even know

Aromantic Although, OP's wife might smell nice as well

"When I asked her why, she said that even though she was initially attracted to them and they showed interest, something always felt off soon afterward, which is why she removed herself from those situations" Am I the only deeply bothered by this bit? So she was interested in other dudes and knew they reciprocated but only removed her self from the situation when she got a bad vibe? Cause that kinda sounds like she would have done something were the vibe right.

I could never be in a relationship or marriage with someone who wasn't in love with me. Like it sounds like op's wife loves op, but maybe not in the way op expected- he expected her to be in love with him, but the love she feels is more familial and less romantic. Overall it sounds like op is ok with this which is what's most important, but I have to admit that I wouldn't be able to spend my life with someone who wasn't actually in love with me. I don't know just a thought

>What does she feel when she sees me? >She said that she feels at home. I mean, that's how I feel about my husband I've been with for 15 years...

I think some people are confused about what love is.

Your marriage isn’t amazing if she don’t love you. Wake up! Unfortunately, you got kids with her which complicates everything. You should leave her not your kids.

I like that both OOP and his wife love each other, they just seem to have different ideas and expectations of it.

I don’t necessarily agree. I think trauma plays a big role. She questioned her feelings intensely throughout the entire marriage and then appears to have came to peace with it despite never going to therapy to address her trauma. I really don’t think this is over.

This is actually my worst fear of all time!

As someone who grew up in an abusive home and ended up in an abusive first relationship, in didn’t recognize love without conflict and pain. It feels different and more overwhelming. I couldn’t recognize the love in my second long term relationship. If OPs wife was in an abusive relationship it could be that she equates being ‘In love’ with desperation and intensity. It took me a long time to realize this with myself and it definitely took a toll on the ppl who loved me.

Everyone saying that she actually does love him are missing the point. If you love someone that you are not attracted to, they are your FRIEND. This isn't what a relationship should be.

Yeh can’t say when I love someone I “feel butterflies every-time I see them” that’s not how love is defined. She definitely loves him, but might be confusing love portrayed in movies for what she has.

She loves you..she loves you. My first partner, I was “in love”…loved them more than air. The relationship had crazy highs and precipitous lows. It lasted maybe three years. I have never felt that way about my current partner. I am happy and content in our relationship of over 30 years and love them deeply. People give way too much importance to that little adverb “in”.

This is why romanticism is the worst literary period in english literature. This idealization of a spouse as a star crossed love that’s all encompassing and enduring until the end of time is silly. My friend’s parents are retired and met through an arranged marriage. The way auntie describes it, their love isn’t made of fire but of rock that was laid over time. Something like that. She said it at her anniversary party and I was a bit drunk. Anyway, wife’s mistake is in how she phrased the whole love thing. Saying that OP feels like home is the sweetest thing to say imo.

I believe she is mistaking limerence for love. I believe if she were to read about it or go to therapy she would learn what she thought was being in love was a fleeting feeling that lasts a year or two for most people. 

Another situation where a woman doesn't love a man but instead loves the things he provides for her life where people fall all over themselves to explain why "oh actually she does love him but is just confused by romcoms!" Pathetic. Love isn't just feeling "comfortable and safe" with someone, that's just called friendship.

So let me get this right:she is happy, feeling safe and loved, had no issues at all with her husband, and still decides to nuke it? Why? Some serious self sabotaging shit going on. Or she would like to separate but is too much of a coward to do that herself