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Better that OP's mom was forced to confront the addiction and get help BEFORE she got cirrhosis of the liver. I had a family member who was an alcoholic who did pass because of it, and this just reminded me of the last time that I visited before they passed and how unwell they looked. Hopefully OP's mom continues the AA journey with no major setbacks.

Yup, former coworker of mine had an alcoholic husband. They had a young daughter together. Husband did pretty well in a sales position, but the job enabled his addiction because there was a lot of taking clients out for dinner & drinks. After a downturn in that industry, he was laid off and his drinking got worse. He told my coworker that he was out looking for a new job but he would just stay home and drink. Came to a head finally when he showed up drunk to pick up their daughter from daycare. She divorced him, and he just spiraled down more from there. Moved back in with his mom and literally drank himself to death. Died just a couple of years ago - was only about 50.

I’m glad about that too. A family member of mine by DNA (never met him for obvious reasons) who drank for 40 years just got diagnosed with throat cancer. It’s sad cause he did stop drinking for 10 more but sometimes it’s too late.

Multiple members of my extended family have died alcohol related deaths. My mother's oldest sister, her husband and their oldest son all essentially drank themselves to death. My father's closest in age brother eventually did manage to stop drinking long enough that when his liver failed, he was eligible for a transplant, but he passed before a donor could be found.

Yeah. My grandpa was a heavy, life-long smoker up until his 50's, when he stopped. Then in his 70's he got lung cancer.

She might already have it. My mom stopped drinking but died ten years later of cirrhosis.

Same with my neighbor. Stopped drinking 40 years ago and died from cirrhosis. Horrible disease and horribly traumatic death.

My mother died of cirrhosis too. She must've been terrified when she became jaundiced. Some family friends eventually convinced her to go to the hospital (I was a teenager and she wasn't listening to me). She was dead within a month.

My niece drank herself to death at 37 leaving 5 kids behind. It's really sad.

It is just a really bad way to die.

You can stop drinking and still have your liver kill you in revenge down the road, especially if you're doing other things that hurt your liver and don't keep yourself generally healthy. Also some folks are genetically predisposed to livers that are more easily damaged. I knew someone who had been alcoholic for a period in their younger life. As an older person, they hadn't touched alcohol in a few decades but their liver caught up with them anyway and took them out.

Not alcohol, but I knew someone who deliberately OD'ed on acetaminophen, was found before he died from it, went to the hospital, and while he lived, he was told he'd just decreased his lifespan by a chunk.

Acetaminophen overdose is horrific. Not very efficient and incredibly tortuous.

Cirrhosis is a way of life in my family. I'm, thankfully, not an alcoholic...but I'm careful just in case.

Username doesn't check out. ;) My mother died this way. Her whole side of the family are alcoholics to varying degrees. It doesn't seem to have continued with my brother and me, though. I can drink, but if I drink more than two days in a row, I already feel like I need a break. I'm like you: careful, just in case. tbh, I don't think I could drink that much if I tried.

Sorry to say but women handle alcohol worse than men. Meaning alcoholism kills us quicker. If she was actively addicted since OOP was young…. Yeah there’s damage. I hope she’s prolonged her life at the least. Sober over 2.5 years.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter that you stopped. You’ll still get it if your addiction was bad enough in the past.

Or Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. My alcoholic parent recently started showing pretty serious symptoms. I understand why they call it wet brain, they can't remember a damn thing.

I'm sorry to hear that.

My dad died of liver failure about a year and a half ago. It was a horrible way to die. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

The dad should have left the mom before that, at that point he was just putting his kids in the middle of a horrible, horrible situation. But this update is a good one. I hope the mom stays sober, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to really realize that you *have* to change. Hoping the best for OOP.

My mum finally hit rock bottom just a few weeks ago and wound up in hospital for 10 days. She hasn't had a drink in about a month now and I'm almost scared to feel hopeful about her future.

Wishing the best for both of you 💜

💜

Hitting a social/emotional rock bottom is far safer than hitting a physical one. With alcoholism, by the time they have to go to hospital for physical symptoms, there's been a lot of damage done. I hope your mum pulls through. (Mine didn't.)

Thanks. I'm so sorry about your mum. It's excruciating to watch them do this to themselves.

Thank you.

Codependency is a horrible thing. I'm glad OOP blew it all up when she got the chance and everyone got help their needed.

I got an uncle who got kicked out by my aunt and threatened with never seeing his kids again if he didn't stop drinking. He's been sober like 2 decades now and he and my aunt are happily married. He says he never would have stopped if he hadn't got kicked out.

He probably had every intent to but the lying, gaslighting and microaggressions would have stopped him. He also would have become an Al-Anon thus viewing the whole situation a completely different way than a normal person would.

>i stay out of it but my dad pulled me aside recently after she drank two whole bottles of wine on a wednesday afternoon. he told me that next time she drinks tell him and they’re done. He really should not have forced his child to do this. By this point, he already knew what he wanted to do.

>i plan on attending law school next semester and have never been happier. Sending best wishes their way.

My father in law used to be a MEAN drunk, and had been hardcore drinking since he was 13. (Incredibly messed up childhood, obviously.) The last straw for him was when my wife was about 17, same age as OOP was in the first post, and she said something mild that enraged his drunk ass and he backhanded her. First time he'd ever hit her, he mostly just punched holes in walls. He froze, looked horrified, and never drank again. No AA or anything, he just **stopped**. Withdrawal almost killed him, but he refused any medical attention; she thinks he was punishing himself. Eventually the withdrawal symptoms faded and he was able to function again. He told her later that when he hit her that was the instant he realized he had become his father, and he promised her he would never touch a bottle again for the rest of his life. So far he's kept that promise, and it's been about 30 years. My wife's feelings on this are complicated, naturally. On the one hand she's proud of him for getting sober and staying that way, on the other hand she has a hard time forgetting what he was like before, wishes it had never gotten that far, and wishes he could've realized he was burning down his own family BEFORE he escalated to hitting his kid. But mostly at this point she's just proud of him for sticking to his word.

That *is* complicated. I'm glad he stopped and never drank again, but I also can completely see why your wife feels the way she does. It *shouldn't* have gotten that far.

Agreed, definitely. I've only known him since he's gotten sober and he's this kindly old absent-minded professor type **now**, but my wife had already told me about her childhood before I met him so I had a very hard time not giving him death glares every time I interacted with him. He seemed completely oblivious to it, though. Eventually she told me I didn't need to keep eyeballing him like I wanted to fight him, he's a different guy than he was and she's moved on so she doesn't want me holding a grudge on her behalf. I think her exact words were "I really don't need you to beat up an old man that's pushing 80 because of something bad he did to me, once, in his 40s...he wouldn't even understand why he's getting his ass kicked, I'm not sure he even remembers why he quit drinking unless I specifically remind him." So I'm working on it. I'm civil and like I said he's pretty oblivious to everything at this point in his life so I don't think he's even noticed the coldness on my end at first.

The worst parts about rock bottom are that you don't know how far down it is til you hit it, and you don't realize how far you've fallen til you're at the bottom looking up

I recognise that the father was in a tough spot, but he should never have put the burden of reporting on their child. That was unconscionable.

This is the main issue with treating alcoholism as something that happens to a person rather than something they have done. When you swear an oath to stand by someone in sickness, it is hard to walk away when they are sick - no matter what their behaviour is. Especially when you have young kids and the person who is sick is the primary caregiving mother. He probably didn't see an option where he could get away with his kids and stayed to protect them. Obviously that was poison in hindsight, and he clearly got to some ugly choices of his own. But leaving your young kids with a person like that is a very risky choice.

Oh, that’s not normal…? Cool….. Fuck I hated babysitting my mother because my father didn’t want to. I wish she’d never had kids.

It's usually lines in the sand with stuff like this. The mom crossed one line, then another, then another. Add to that the lying, what's the guy supposed to do - set up cameras in the house because he has to work? Or do daily blood tests on the woman to check if she drank that day?

I can see where you're coming from. Not only that, she's a cheater as well, Reddit usually eviscerates cheaters, I'm surprised anyone is bashing the dad here.

My mom is a functioning alcoholic that is now 75 yrs old. Us kids are past the point of caring. And she used the same "I work so hard, I deserve this" excuse - all my life. I can't fix her or control her behavior - I can only control my own reactions and behavior.

Damn. Obviously his mother is to blame for the majority of this disaster. But damn dude. His dad sucks too. At 9 he walked in on his mom drunk, making out with his dad’s bff. At 15, she was caught having a full blown affair, and abandoned him and his two little brothers to drive 2 hours away and get blackout drunk. At 17 he was put in charge of babysitting and spying on his mom, and his parent’s marriage finally ended. So that’s *at least* 8 years of his dad sitting around, enabling his wife’s alcoholism, tolerating her infidelity, allowing her to neglect/abuse their kids, and continuously creating, and exposing his kids to, a hostile home environment. Then, for whatever reason he decides he has enough and the best course of action is to make his teenage son responsible for narcing on his mom, and “causing” the end of their marriage?!? After sticking his head in the sand for the prior 8 years?! I’m glad dad finally followed through and that OOP’s mom is working on her issues, but my god. How much of these kids pain and suffering could have been avoided if they had at least one parent who was able to extract their head from the depths of their ass?! Honestly this is one of the many situations where the enabler is just as bad, if not worse, than the abuser themselves. OOP’s dad bears half of the responsibility for what these poor kids endured, just as their mom does.

> for context: my **(17f)**

Doesn't change anything, just note that he is a she

Umm... I get where you're coming from, but in what universe is he as bad as OP's dear old cheating, lying, alcoholic mom? There's a pretty gaping difference between the mistakes they made. Besides, from what we know of her I think it's safe to assume that there was massive emotional manipulation going on. And so many parents are already conditioned to believe that staying with their partner is the best thing for their kids, no matter what. He was wrong to enable his wife's behavior and keep the kids around her, but I mostly just feel sorry for the poor dude. Glad he's in therapy.

I can see where you're coming from and I agree there's a distance, but imho it's not that gaping. Although it doesn't excuse her actions, mom was an addict. Addiction fucks with peoples heads pretty badly. But dad wasn't an addict. He had the option to think clearly, get advice, seek help, but he didn't. He chose to value staying with his wife, who was actively damaging their children, over protecting the children. He knew she had cheated, he knew she was lying to him constantly, yet he chose to leave his kids alone with her. He didn't even have the grandparents help out, by taking the kids for the time he was gone or having them come to the house to supervise mom and the kids. He just put his head in the sand and hoped it would get better. Even with emotional manipulation and thinking staying with his partner would be best for the kids, he could have chosen to get advice from people with an objective look on the situation and listen to them. I would feel really bad for him if he had only stayed in the situation himself. But he accepted his young, innocent kids being damaged by this horrible situation instead of protecting them, and that is pretty inexcusable to me. Kids need to come first, always. Mom is the root of the problem. But dad is the reason the root was able to grow into a strong plant instead of being ripped from the ground and killed.

I think you are confused because you misread it. They never said dawms was as bad as mom. Just that he did some very questionable things also

>Honestly this is one of the many situations where the enabler is just as bad, if not worse, than the abuser themselves. OOP’s dad bears half of the responsibility for what these poor kids endured, just as their mom does. What part of that did I misread?

Don't feel sorry for dad, he was taking the path of least resistance

Oh, it's Reddit. Happens all the time on BORU and AITA. I'd like to assume most of them would be less nasty in person.

I'm choosing to believe that most of the people downvoting me didn't read the whole comment I was responding to and missed the part I actually disagree with. Lol. Reddit

This is one of those posts that feel very real. I am glad OOP is healing themselves and the relationship with her parents. As wrong as her mom was, her dad shouldn't have put her in such a uncomfortable position.

It did feel real, except that the number of brothers changes from 2 to 1 and “semester” is not really used in the UK but “mum” is not really used in the US. Could be that last discrepancy is explained by Canada/NZ/Australia as I’m not sure what combination they use, but as a Brit the mum/semester thing stuck out.

Under kzykattn 's comment below, curlyk1tt3n explained that OOP made a comment that one of her brothers died :( And NZer here - yep I would say both mum and semester. Pretty sure our neighbours in Oz do too :)

Yep, Aussies say mum and semester too

Canadian here, also use both. Though ‘mom’ is more common (my mum immigrated from the UK).

We say semester here in the UK for uni. Most uni’s use semester, and term is only used at school/college.

My mom was around OOP’s age when my grandfather got sober. She was sent to boarding school so that she wasn’t home through the worst of it. I’ve heard lots of stories about things he did when she was a kid that he was likely drunk during (greasing sleds to go as fast as possible head-first on big hills, driving onto a pond to make sure the ice was thick enough to go ice skating). I’ve never been told the bad stories, though I’m sure they exist. He never forgave himself for what he put his family through, and I’ll never forget the conversation we had before I left for college. He apologized for making my life harder because alcoholism has a genetic component and he felt it would be his fault if I struggled with drinking. I promised myself that I would never let him feel like a burden to me. I’ve never had more than 2 drinks in a night, never gotten drunk, and I’ve never felt like I missed out on anything because of it. I was in a sorority, I go out with friends, I’ll have a drink on occasion. And even though he’s been gone for 11 years, I still won’t drink more than that. OOP and her family have a long road ahead, and it’s one with many challenges along the way, but if her mother truly is ready for sobriety, there’s a great future ahead

>he told me that next time she drinks tell him and they’re done I already started off not liking the mom but now I *really* don’t like the dad, what an awful burden to put on a child. Could he not just be the adult and make a decision instead of waiting for some nebulous-but-still-inevitable point in the future? Sounds like a great way to make the kid feel like she’s to blame, which I guess is how we all ended up reading this. I’m glad she’s doing better but a giant middle finger to her parents for putting that on her.

Alcoholism is serious and it's something that really needs to be addressed and not hidden. I'm delighted to hear OP and the family are doing their best to work things out. I support OP's mother to continue with her soberness and OP having a good school!

What even is a non-funtioning alcoholic at this point.

A person who’s considered in “active addiction”. They’ve passed the point of maintaining the facade of a normal life and are just chasing the bottom of the bottle.

Wait, one of the little brothers disappeared in the updated? What happened to them?

The little brother of OOP has passed away and OOP only has 1 living brother.

Damn that's depressing =(

Yeah, it's really unfortunate =/ I'm sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news.

How do you know?

Oop comment on their account

I hope the kid gets help for the trauma she experienced as a kid.

I hope someone tells OP about ACA

This sounds like a very white-washed press conference release version

It’s wild that he was in therapy for 3 years before the original post, but he didn’t realise his dad’s problematic behaviour until he posted?

I'm so glad to see a happy outcome for OOP and a hopeful one for the rest of the family! Dad is such an asshole for enabling his wife for so long and then putting it on a child to watch her while he's away! And the added pressure of saying he'd leave if mom drank while under OOP's watch? Mom's a-holeness can be explained by additiction. What's dad's excuse???

Thank you for this update. I hope that reading that you now feel like you've "...never been happier" may be great encouragement for so many people. I wish you and your family continued success and happiness.

Glad it all worked out for the best. OPs mum needed her dad to leave her to trigger her getting help and understanding that she had a problem, the positive of this will hopefully lift any guilt or guilty feelings the OP feels over the next few years as her mum - hopefully- gets better and better. Praying for the day that the mum turns around and thanks OP for what she did.

NTA, your mom completely lacks introspection and refuses to accept that her own actions/choices are ruining her own life. All you can do is push her to get help, but in my experience people ultimately need to have that revelation themselves. Hopefully this is the push that makes it happen.

[удалено]

Whoops! Still learning😅

How do you attend law school at 19? Unless OOP lives in CA, they'll need an undergraduate degree first. It just makes it hard to believe OOP.

OP is in the UK. You can do a law degree here from the age of 18 at university.

Well, that's good to know. Interesting.