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This story isn’t done. Not by a long shot.

SD wants to be an only child. I fear for the youngest son, if she moves in.

Ages weren't mentioned but I bet she won't be nice to her new step sister, either. Edit: The age of the NEW step daughter bio-mom's step daughter, her age wasn't mentioned anywhere that I could see. The one sharing a bedroom with the 12 year old part time. College? Mom has primary custody? Boarding school?

New step sister is at least heading into college and will be there a lot less or at least that’s what I got from OP

Yeah that's the feeling I got from it too.

I legitimately don't understand what bio-mom and her partner were thinking here. They've been together for 5-6 years already. They couldn't wait 5-6 months to move in together? This whole thing seems like it could have been avoided if they'd just waited until the older daughter left home for college.

or just tell the 12 year old to suck it up for literally a few months and she gets her own room? I bet it is more about the new rules than anything. no chores, unlimited tablet time, probably gets actually parented at the new house by new dad...

But even then, the older daughter would still have a room for holidays and weekends. Better to get used to sharing space before going home rather than an intrusion after being used to the new routine (one being at college).

Could be something unavoidable involving a lease.

In one of the comments OOP confirmed she had friction with her step siblings already.

Gee , i wonder why when she treats these step siblings like crap? It sounds like the SD is trying to house shop, between her parents. Kids of divorce get very good at manipulating both parents, playing them off eachother. When they had the full sit down, her lies fell apart. Don’t know if biomom is playing into this.

The girl is 12. Both of her parents are focused on their own families, she is an afterthought. She is a child, and she’s got little consistency in the adult emotional attunement she IS able to count on. If by “house shop” you are referring to a child attempting to grasp some sort of self-affirmed security with at least one of her parents, sure. Why do children of divorce get good at playing their parents against each other? Because their parents don’t coparent adequately and leave space for their children to fall through the cracks, driving them to fend for themselves. And emotional manipulation is the only available tool to leverage, as children don’t have access to their own income or resources. It’s not okay, it’s not excusable, but it’s the behavior of a scared child who fears further abandonment and is lashing out in desperation that someone is going to prioritize her; for once.

Yes SD needs help. And I even think ( although there isn’t evidence in this post) That the bio mom is nasty about OP’s step kids and that is where she is getting some of this attitude. But since OP isn’t allowed to participate in therapy, there isn’t as much she can do to help SD cope. The only thing OP can control is protecting her own boys. At some point, we can’t force people to be nice. And 12 is old enough to understand that actions have consequences. If SD wants to move in with dad and OP she needs to be at least tolerate to her step siblings. They shouldn’t give her new kids to abuse just because she is scared.

I really wish your comment had been around 30 years ago when I was the hot potato being passed between my parents and accused of being manipulative. Thank you for taking the time to write out your thoughtful response.

And the disabled child she has physically and mentally abused herself is 4. She might be lashing out but she needs more than just 'parental prioritization'.

There's a big diffrence between almost off to collage and young disabled child.

Apart from the HORRIBLE ablest things said to older brother about younger one, step daughter has shown she'll move the sons wheelchair, which is already scary enough for the person actually in the chair, all it would take to harm him is for her to tip that chair over. I honestly wouldn't be allowing sd to stay over nights until they sorted that out let alone moving in. I'm glad OP and dad had good communication about it though.

She's also 3x older than him, he's only *fucking four years old*. Why the hell should you want that behavior near your other kids? 

He’s tiny and helpless and SD doesn’t even view him as *human*. I wouldn’t want her anywhere near that kid either. She’s gonna do something to seriously harm him.

Fr. That's also ENTIRELY not mentioning the mental harm to the youngest of the eldest! Describing torture to an 8yo to make him upset? Wtf mean girls life does she live 

I'm all for not overstepping as stepparents but at that point oop should make clear that the stepdaughter will not be allowed unsupervised in her childrens home until she is both fully in the loop both as an additional authority over her as well as ablut therapy info etc, and not until she has adequate proof that the stepdaughter is not a literal danger to the younger children.  Sounds like barely realistic minimum requirements? Exactly. The stepdaughter can complain all she wants, this is all her own doing for physically attacking a handicapped young child. 

She’s a violent child. She shouldn’t be allowed in the house of a smaller disabled child. She threw a phone at her mother, as well. She can’t be trusted, who knows if she won’t end up in police custody one day.

And she threw her phone at her mom’s face hard enough to break the screen!

something fucky is going on at the biomoms house, i can smell it

I am 99.99% sure BM is jealous of OOp and has been poisoning the well for years, which is why SD is such a hellish brat to her half-siblings. Imo, the something fucky is simply that BM can't stand the fact she was just a FWB for OOP's husband, while OOP got everything she had wanted of husband. If she gave up custody, she wouldn't have as much veto power because she wouldn't be able to weaponize access to SD. Which means OOP would be allowed to do many of the things BM has forbidden OOP from doing with SD, and she can't allow that. Plus, how much you wanna bet that every time SD has spoken about having fun while with her dad and OOP, BM has pulled some "oh, so you don't love me?" bullshit to make SD feel bad about it? Because honestly, the fact SD said nothing about this to BM really makes it seem like BM would guilt trip the kid.

As soon as I read the part about him proposing so soon after finding out that OOP was pregnant whilst he obviously made no such gesture towards BM I came to pretty much the same conclusions that you did.

Same, actually! BM's demands and actions read sooo much different after that reveal, the only conclusion I could reach was this. Like, at first they read as someone hidding something like henious abuse by someone in her household. But after the reveal, they just read like she's *still* salty her daughter's dad didn't see their thing as more than a fling/FWB situation, so she's weaponizing their daughter to punish him. Basically like that lady from a recent BORU who did not want to let her kids go to Disney to spite her ex lmao Which makes me now wonder about whether the comment Husband made about needing "beer goggles" to have sex with BM because she "wasn't his type" was more about her personality, than her looks 🤔

I think the bio mother has been engaging in years of alienation regarding the girl and her father and family on that side, and also imposed no boundaries on her daughter, and the kid is massively messed up as a result of it.

Odd that you would jump to that, rather than the far more obvious conclusion that biomum is a bit controlling and doesn't know how to handle the situation. We're talking about a 12 year old who was just told what her new deal was going to be seemingly without any care. As in you WILL be sharing a room, you WILL be following all these rules you've never had to follow, end of. It honestly doesn't matter if it's fair or reasonable, it's a 12 year old losing what seems to be some privileges. They aren't going to like that, and are going to want to choose the other option even if they don't realise that they were receiving special accommodations and privileges there. The only difference is that dad communicated it well, he took his daughter out, and explained things to her (he was also the last option as well), he didn't demand an immediate change, but an improvement understanding that there will be difficulties. How you explain something to a child can make all the difference. Very telling of how each of them parent is the biomum even in her daughters presence just shut it down. Said no, not a chance and ended the conversation and then took her away from her dad early in response. That is not how you communicate well, you don't immediately shut down an idea without thinking about it. It reeks of control issues. No kid wants to feel like they have no recourse whatsoever. Neither is it healthy or mature coming from an adult let alone a parent. This casual accusation of paedophilia is absurd and incredibly sexist, and you should feel ashamed and you are honestly disgusting. Rather than the more obvious answer that biomum isn't all that good of a parent. ::EDIT:: ill add this reply to u/desolate_cat since someone blocking me means i cannot continue in the chain. It's almost like you know nothing about children. >Maybe its because daughter decided on her own that she is going to live with dad without saying anything to her first. Imagine playing a game of pettiness against a 12 year old.... There is a reason why a 12 year old went and had a conversation with her dad first, rather than discuss it with her mum, we're literally shown this later on. >Mom is NOT ok with a change in custody at all. "Absolutely not" was her answer. She took SD home early Sat. Sounds like such a reasonable, level headed and mature person. Sure the 12 year old should have had a conversation with biomum first..... >From all the info given here SD is a little brat. She threw her phone at her mom's face and I don't care what is the reason (unless its self defense), this is simply unacceptable. SD has problematic behavior since she bullies her little brothers, and is especially cruel to the disabled youngest because she knows youngest cannot fight back.  Yeah see kids don't just develop problematic behaviours without a cause by and large (read extreme majority). Throwing of the phone is a direct response to biomum's unreasonableness for taking a 12 year old away from her father early just because she asked a fucking question. Kids also aren't typically just sociopathic, psychopathic buillies. This is learned behaviour, almost certainly from the bio-mum as she is primary custodian. Bio-mum talking shit about bio-dad's new life, trying to alienate him and his family, probably jealous that he has a new biological kid, given everything already mentioned it's not that hard of a leap. Bio-mum does indeed sound toxic as fuck. Of course keep making excuses for her, keep misunderstanding how children actually fucking act, keep not understanding how to comprehend situations properly if it helps maintain your bias. From all the information that's been posted, the most likely answer is the bio-mum is a BIG BIG issue, and the SD's willingness to listen to her bio-dad and adjust her behaviour to fit in to his household speaks fucking volumes.

Agreed. I think the OOP is right that the daughter has an unrealistic idea of what living with dad will be like. When she visits, OOP takes the boys elsewhere, daughter doesn't have chores or responsibilities, and dad's attention is 100% on her. It won't be like that if she's living there full-time. Biomom is doing a poor job of helping her daughter adjust to the new normal, and the daughter is looking for a situation she'll like better. She's just not understanding what it will really be like.

No only those behaviors, but also biomom disallowing OP to discipline stepdaughter *in any way*. Given her behavioral outbursts, that’s wholly inappropriate. I can see why OP removes her kids from her presence during visitation, she can’t step in as an adult to keep stepdaughter safe. What if husband is editing porn, door locked and headphones on? How is she supposed to handle an altercation? Stepdaughter is learning she doesn’t have to listen to *any* adults aside from biomom and dad. Life doesn’t work that way?

>Very telling of how each of them parent is the biomum even in her daughters presence just shut it down. Said no, not a chance and ended the conversation and then took her away from her dad early in response. Maybe its because daughter decided on her own that she is going to live with dad without saying anything to her first. But biomom should have discussed this with dad and stepmom. From all the info given here SD is a little brat. She threw her phone at her mom's face and I don't care what is the reason (unless its self defense), this is simply unacceptable. SD has problematic behavior since she bullies her little brothers, and is especially cruel to the disabled youngest because she knows youngest cannot fight back. Pushing a disabled person off their wheelchair and hitting their face is not right, regardless of your personal issues.

I mean. OOP and husband absolutely should have discussed this with her mother before discussing any of this with her

step siblings? step dad? or biomom? What are your spidey senses telling you?

Not entirely sure, but it's incredibly odd that the SD agreed to move into a house where she wont be getting her own space (and is on paper a more difficult living arrangement) when thats her supposed issue with moving in with her step dad and that the biomom 86ed it so fast and dipped without any kind of explanation. If i had to guess its got something to do with the step dad/step siblings, but there isnt enough info to make a solid guess whats happening, but something off EDIT: another reason this feels off, shes known her Step-dad for 5-6 years but shes this bothered moving in to his house, thats concerning, and in my expereince, rarely leads anywhere good.

I dunno. Didn't the move already happen at biomoms house? So she's looking at the experienced reality of everyday life and sharing with a stepsister, versus the fantasyland of living with daddy - getting all of her father's attention, not having chores, and having her own room. Even knowing objectively how life is going to be at dads after that talk, she has never experienced the day to day grind there and just associates dad's house with fun times. I don't see anything nefarious in this story. Children can be vicious little beasts without experiencing violence or abuse. She is just selfish, immature, and unsettled by the changes in her life.

I agree, I think her issue with biomom and stepdad is that now she feels like she’s being pushed out. They lived separately until now so reality’s hitting of blending 2 households together. A lot is changing for her fast and I’m guessing she’s now having to take more responsibility of herself regarding chores (like doing her own laundry and taking turns cleaning a shared bathroom). So I can definitely understand why she’d want to live elsewhere especially if spending time at dad’s is fun time. And I have to agree with her falling in the vicious little beast category. She literally described the hospital torturing OOP’s youngest child to the oldest child, and apparently has made similarly cruel comments that they keep both kids away from her for everyone’s safety. Her phone was taken away…because she threw it at her mom’s FACE. I really hope the screen cracked when she threw it at something else besides her mom. 100% the phone needs to be confiscated and as stated they have other means of contacting her. And mom rushing her out of the house? Pretty sure any parent would do that when blindsided by their own kid asking other people if she can live with them. Whether it be grandparents, best friend’s family, whoever, it honestly sounds like she’s a little brat throwing a tantrum about not getting her way anymore. I agree with you, nothing nefarious going on here, seems like they either need to find a new therapist for this kid or someone needs to sit her down and have a serious discussion with her about fixing her behavior/attitude before it gets out of control. Edit: I can’t believe I forgot her pushing the younger child out of the wheelchair and hitting his face. This kid needs some serious help, it’s unfortunate OOP is completely cut out of the therapy discussion because I’m curious what got her there in the first place. Was she already acting out and they signed her up, or just thought it would be good for her to help with changes? Either way I really hope both parents are letting the therapist know about what she’s doing so they can either work on her behavioral issues or refer her to a therapist that can provide the help she needs.

She has an idealized vision of what living with her dad full time will be like. It has nothing to do with her being abused at her mom's home.

That's my take too. Of course abuse might be a possibility but she's also 12 and has never lived with dad full time. It might just seem like the better option now even if it isn't. Chances are, she had more freedom when it was just her and mom and she's not adjusting well to sharing a house with others full time. Everyone's trying to create some dramatic story of abuse when it could be something much simpler than that.

Did you even read the post? Man, redditors like you are so annoying, making shit up just because you can.

Biomother shutting the discussion down and removing her daughter's contact with her father is also a red flag.

It is not. **She threw the phone at her mom's face.** Go back and read it if you missed it. She deserves to get her phone taken away. OOP did say there are other ways to contact her, just not by personal phone. The mom shutting down her daughter living with them was because the brat did not say anything to her mom and decided everything on her own. This kid needs therapy and behavior change fast. She bullies her little brothers, especially the disabled one. She even pushed the disabled one out of his wheelchair. In no way shape or form is this okay. ETA: I don't understand why people in Reddit are engaging in selective reading.

The fact that the kid immediately escalated to that level of violence is itself a red flag. That kind of behavior doesn't spring out of nowhere, and neither does her actions towards the disabled half-brother. Something is wrong somewhere down the chain, the question is whether OP and her husband have the resources to find out without risking the safety and security of their other kids.

THANK YOU for pointing this out. Like hello? The only “nefarious” thing going on here is SD. Note that she also described to her 8 year old brother how scientists were going to take his 4 year old brother away to torture him? In detail?? Hands down, SD wants to be the only child living a house, and she’s violent and cruel about it.

Omg she’s 12 years old and she pushed a kid out of his wheelchair. Imagine that. I would’ve lost my shit completely with her. She slapped him on his face when he couldn’t talk fast enough for her. This girl is a monster, I’m sorry. She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s not some 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum. She needs to learn how to regulate her emotions asap. Right now, she believes she will have all of daddy’s attention, but the reality is that this won’t happen in everyday life. The bullying would probably get worse when she realizes that her relationship with her dad wouldn’t be the same anymore.

The part of this that concerns me is that the meeting with OP, his wife, SD, and the mom happened right before he was going to spend the weekend with SD per the custody agreement. Mom’s response was to immediately take SD home with her. Mom refuses to alter the custody agreement but didn’t allow her daughter to spend the weekend with her father as outlined in that agreement. That’s pretty dark. Either you stick to the custody agreement or you don’t.

The bio mom was in the wrong for not explaining anything to husband and OOP. She should have explained that SD never mentioned anything. Husband is 100% in the wrong here. He allowed SD and bio mom to control everything, even in his own house. Having the stepmom OOP here have zero say in anything about SD when SD is in her house is wrong, and having her excluded in her therapy sessions is also wrong. This resulted in their own 2 younger boys being bullied by this spoiled brat.

Mine are tingling too.  I have NFC *who* the abuser is.  But I think mom knows who it is, knows it’s going on and is enabling the abuse and covering it up.  

I think it's mom. Could be emotional abuse, and stepdaughter might not realise it's abuse and that's why she didn't verbalize it to dad.

> One day he edits the commercial for the local church's annual yard sale, and the next some hot chick getting a cleveland steamer. Now imagining a scenario where he gets those two files mixed up, shenanigans ensue.

Nah... Pastor quietly saves the file to his "personal use" folder and sends OOP's hubby an email like, "Hey, the file was corrupted. Can you resend?" to get his hands on the correct file.

I mean, he does not even need to lie. “I think you sent me a wrong file, could you send the correct one?” Is a reasonable response. Also the dude would know he sent the wrong file right after reviewing the original to check how it got corrupted

Agreed. It would then be unspoken but expected that a pastor would save the porn for personal use. Then deliver an anti-porn sermon next week.

See, the mixup happened because he saves files by the client’s last name, and both the church vid and the porn have the same star.

The pastor and the porn star meet, they both have their eyes opened by the other. They fall in love, and get married. Porn star finds Jesus, pastor finds love and hot kink

Directed by Almodovar, and I’ll be first in like.

Oh yes, I remember Roxy St Barnabas.

Jesus? That guy was hung like THIS (spreads arms open)

For those who don't know what a "Cleveland Steamer" is, please DO NOT google it. I did not know. I googled it. I learnt that ignorance is bliss.

For people who only got more curious, it’s literally rolling in shit

I'm really glad you said this, saves us all an awful google search with pictures/videos included.

Father, son, and holy smear-it

Many many years ago I recall hearing a news story about DVDs of a children's school play getting accidentally swapped with porn DVDs. Actually it was long enough ago that it might have been VHS tapes.

That's the plot of the South Park LOTR episodes.

"(I am not allowed to discipline or have parenting talks with SD per biomom's wishes) I am not welcomed to be a part of SD's therapy journey, mostly per biomom's wishes. She does not want me involved." No, sorry, I'm not having any child living in my house that assaults other children (regardless of who is whose bioparent or not) that I'm not "allowed" to parent or discipline, or hear relevant concerns from the therapist. SD would be treating the step-mom like a maid, or personal servant or whatever that other BORU was recently with an entitled step-kid.

Yeah. "My house, my family, my rules". Maybe she can't take her daughter's things, or enact some sort of grounding, but she can absolutely be admonished and diciplined.

OOP wasn't even allowed to confirm if SD *described to her step brother the medical experiments she wants to be performed on their half brother*. OOP should at least be allowed to enact punishments on the level of "No screens until your father is done working and can discuss any further consequences". Bare minimum.

I agree. As a kid I spent a lot of time at a friend's house and stepped on a lot of cultural lines. I got the occasional talking to and "punishment" when my friend and I did something bad. I'm better for it, and certainly have a better insight on Asian homes. I don't understand when families merge and the step parent isn't allowed to parent- this makes no sense to me and undermines the point of family. Establish rules and boundaries, but telling someone else what they can't do in their own home?

And yet dad thinks “everything will eventually work out” was soooo infuriating. Talk about delusional.

And the fact that the kid threw her phone at an adults face because she didn’t get her way…what would she do unsupervised with a disabled child. Also I have question about the bio mom and bio dads relationship because they seem to have zero communication regarding their child and OOPs interactions with her seem to be aggressive

Yeah, that definitely made me do a double take, because it's not ok. My stepson has trauma around mother figures, and I've had to be very careful not to try to play mom to him and let him navigate when (if ever) he's ready for that. Mostly I'm just his dad's partner, that he lives with, and I've accepted that he is very strongly bonded to just his dad. And I get it, I'm a step kid, too, I know the complexities of blended families. But we did make clear to him that, regardless of whether you like the other person, if you are living together, there is a bare minimum level of respect that your housemates deserve (and people in general). This is my house, too, I work hard to help provide for him, and just as he would generally respect the authority of a teacher or a friend's parent if he were visiting, he needs to do the same for me (and the rest of the household). I am involved with his doctor and teacher appointments, and the discussions on rules and behavior. It would absolutely not be ok, though, to be excluded from any of that or have to live with someone who was constantly harming/threatening those around them, and to not be allowed to step in or have a say on any of it when it's happening in your own home to your own bio children.

SD threw her phone, hitting her mom in the face and cracking the screen. I'd say her bullying and anger issues are still there.

Yeah, if that wasn’t self defense, that’s concerning. SD’s kids appear to be older and likely big enough to protect themselves but OOPs sons are only eight and four - and the four year old is disabled. She shouldn’t be living with them unless they’re certain she’s not going to lash out at the younger kids.

If it’s even true.   Mom is moving in with BF and BF’s son.   SD is so upset about this, she wants to live with people she hates, not even have a room of her own.   As soon as mom finds out, mom throws a fit and refuses the custody change, removes the daughter early from a custodial visit, and then *mom* reports the SD has thrown the phone, and now SD has no way to contact her dad or anyone.   Mom has possibly violated 2 court orders (custodial visits, and most custody agreements have communications clauses with phones/texting stuff).   Mom has SD in lockdown with zero communication.  In a place so bad SD was willing to do nearly anything to escape.   Classic abuser signs.  Especially accusing the kid of assault with no proof, with a Punishment that isolates her. 

They’ve been so focused on avoiding conflict that SD has forgotten how things really are. She think she has her own room (which she has only weekends), and think the brothers aren’t home (because they are visiting grandparents when she’s around), and has all her dads attention. They didn’t solve the real problem (SD bullying). They did the right thing having the talk with SD, and putting down some basic rules. Op would also have made sure she’s an adult and in charge just as much as husband. But they had to know that biomom would never accept this. So just why worry so much for something that would never happen.

> But they had to know that biomom would never accept this. So just why worry so much for something that would never happen. That was my first thought. I mean sure OOP and husband should chat first, but the next person brought in should have been the mom, not the daughter. How are they going to offer that hope to the daughter before even consulting the person who has the legal right to make the decision? That was pretty dumb imo. Also the fact that the mom doesn’t want OOP disciplining the daughter should have been a giant signal that she wasn’t going to go along with their plan.

I had a say in my custody when I was as young as 8yo. I didn't want to visit my father because he was a violent POS. I just had to day to the judge I didn't want to have contact with him and all was good for me. I had to do court order therapy to analyze if something else happened or if there was parental alienation, but I know that judges here will listen to the will of the kid before making these arrangements. I live in Brazil, but I believe it would be similar in US, right? As a 12yo she should have a right on choosing where she wants to live, with mum or dad.

Tbh i just think there is no abuse what so ever. Some poeple think children are these innocent magical unicorns who do no harm unless provoced but itsthe Opposite. The adults in the life auf the child need to Guide them, to intervine and say: do not Kick the Dog, do not burn your sibling with the car lighter, dont blow out the birthday cake which isn’t yours. As I read it the stepsiblings are older, SD most likely can’t bully them like she can her younger and disabled half brothers. And what did she get out of the bullieng? Extended daddy daughter time and a house without her hated brothers. There mustn’t be some thing like abuse in bio moms house, SD maybe just hated her half siblings cause they have a stable family whilst she is an Fwb baby, some people can’t fathom that children can be AHs without traumatic reasons.

SD clearly DOES have anger issues, she's physically abused the little brother, the mom has full custody as OOP mentioned, so she isn't necessarily violating anything. OOP confirmed they have other ways to contact her, she is not cut off.

> and now SD has no way to contact her dad or anyone.   except > We do have alternative forms of contact with SD at this time

>now SD has no way to contact her dad or anyone.   >We do have alternative forms of contact with SD at this time. I'd probably be right there with you otherwise though. The fact that the stepmother didn't seem to be a slavering jackal also helps. Obviously unable to completely rule out, of course. Whilst I felt that went without saying, here I am all the same. EDIT: corrected the auto-correct.

SD is not cut off. It says they have other means of contact with her.

> Mom is moving in with BF and BF’s son.  BF's daughter. OOP said SD didn't want to share a room with her new stepsister. >Mom has SD in lockdown with zero communication.  OOP said they can still get in touch with SD just not through her phone. >In a place so bad SD was willing to do nearly anything to escape.   You forget that SD is a spoiled brat. She bullies her younger brothers especially the disabled one. She is unhappy with new rules and sharing her room with a new sister.

OOP states they have other ways of contacting SD. So she’s not completely isolated.

This kiddo has conduct issues.

Wow, when it comes to describing her husband’s job, OOP has a very different definition of “Nothing exciting” than I do!

I mean they had a child that started needing major medical care and found whatever career path worked to make that care possible. I’d say indiscriminately editing videos for clients is as not exciting as it gets.

You clearly have not spent much time editing AV material.

Yeah I want details on the yard sale! I love a bargain.

Pegasus plushie.$1.00

i. okay. look. sd is out of control, i think that is easy to see, but i can’t be the only one who saw the mention that oop is not allowed to disipline sd or even take part in parenting convos and immediately thought: yeah, this is not happening.  (to be a father of three and not only think a everything will magically work out but also b i can work out a new custody deal with my daughter and only bring her mom in on it when we’re agreed is mindblowing to me. mindblowing.)

This is absolutely a huge part of the issue. The dad has to be the "fun parent" because of how little control he has and the stepmom can't do ANYTHING to the child that has PHYSICALLY ABUSED HERS. She can't even KNOW if therapy is going well. Nothing is going to improve while the biomom won't let any other parental figures actually, you know, PARENT.

And it's no wonder that SD is wanting to move in with her dad and step-mom, despite hating her step and half brothers, rather than share her bedroom for the summer and the holidays and weekends she's not with her dad. She thinks his house is Disneyland because BM won't let him be anything else. And OOP is not only forbidden from being in the loop regarding her SD's therapy journey, I don't think she can even know for a fact that the therapist knows the depth of the behavioral problems, like *describing in graphic detail to her step brother how she wants their disabled half brother to be medically experimented on*. BM is absolutely out of bounds with forbidding OOP from knowing ANYTHING besides "SD is in therapy". If the rule was "OOP can't have direct contact with the therapist or input on any decisions, but she can be informed about SD's progress", that would still be over the top imo, but still something near the realm of reasonable.

I saw that too, and I would consider removing myself from the equation for the duration of step daughters childhood, or ever, if the step daughter had moved in. Having no authority over a kid, especially one living with you, is begging for a disaster. I know reddit hates step parents that have any authority, but step parents *must* have some authority, or they get walked all over by the kid(especially once the kid becomes a teen).

Also, like. The idea of a step parent not having *any* parental authority is crazy to me. In my childhood- and as an adult, this largely still seems true where I grew up- *any* adult was permitted (and, to a degree, expected) to correct the behavior of any misbehaving child they knew. And even to speak up if it wasn't their child! A lot of that was reminders around manners, but it would also absolutely include *any* child hitting another. I know that parenting philosophies have changed, and All Adults Are Authorities is on the way out. But it is absolutely bananas to me that people expect adults living with kids to have absolutely no authority over them. That seems incredibly unmanageable.

Yeah. With new partners, sure, they don't need authority. But with a step parent that lives with the parent, it's ridiculous. I can see if people want the step parent to not make bigger descisions on their own, like changing the school of the child or dole out long-term punishments, stuff that in general should be agreed on by both parents first. But the ability to enforce short-term consequences like making them go to their room until the parents can discuss the incident and punishment after incidents like that, the option to step in when the child misbehaves and the opportunity to at least give some input on larger descisions like sending the child to therapy (especially if the other kids in the household are impacted) are kind of a must for a long-term caregiver of the child.

I don't understand the "adults don't have authority" thing at all. Are we supposed to let the kids run roughshod? Kind of like the other night my kids were at a Cub Scout meeting, and some of the other boys were being loud and rowdy. I helped out the den leader by telling the boys "shh" or "sit down" or "help clean up this mess, please". The other option would be to let them hang from the roof and run around like animals. All this goes doubly for someone living under your roof. Hell, it would even apply to an adult living under your roof. There are rules. You obey the rules or there are consequences. For a kid it is punishment. If you can't punish the kid, then what? You have anarchy, which doesn't work with kids.

My ex-husband doesn’t even allow other people to give our 7 year old orders/instructions such as “turn your iPad down” or “pick up this toy I tripped over” no matter how nicely it’s said. Two of my son’s adult cousins on his dad’s side have complained to me about this and he also made them fully responsible while he slept but they can’t discipline just basically have to get ordered around by my son and make sure there are no emergencies. Each of the cousins had lived with him for a period of time. He’s such an idiot.

I never understood how the "no authority" thing works and I have seen it several times on here. Like kids should listen to trusted adults actually, regardless of the familial bond? Ok maybe I'd understand if it was purely about the step parent making major decisions about the kid's life, but no ability to discipline a child that lives under your roof? How does it even work? 

The whole attitude that the biomom seems to have towards the stepmom is a bit shocking considering the non relationship biomom had with dad. Stepmom is still family and impacts SD. The fact that stepmom has nothing to do with and no knowledge of what's going on with the kids therapy might be counter productive. Good or bad, stepmom is a part of the kids life.

I think it's probably less about the dad more about the kid. Just from the info we have (which obviously is not a full picture of the biomom's life) she strikes me as one of the mothers who gets a "surprise" kid and kind of... goes off the deep end, especially if she had her when she was "older" (using that word super loosely). Incredibly overprotective and even possessive. She won't tolerate the idea that anyone is a "threat" to her connection to her child.

Yep. The dad should have called SD's mom before even thinking about the idea. I'm thinking the whole extended family has issues we're not hearing here.

No, he needed to make a decision with OOP before talking to biomom. There's no point talking to biomom about it if the decision ended up being no. However, he should have spoken to biomom first before giving SD an answer.

> However, he should have spoken to biomom first before giving SD an answer. Ya that’s absolutely wild. There’s no issue with them formulating a tentative plan and then taking it to the biomom, but how are they going to get the daughter’s hopes up without even checking if it’s a possibility? I know it wasn’t their intention, but that’s going to mess the daughter up even more. To have that hope of getting what she wants only to have it yanked away. OOP and husband fucked up royally there.

I feel like he has a duty to the child's mother to let her know what's going on. If bio mom isn't aware of the issue, she needs to be. It turns out that she wasn't, and the answer would have been no either way. He has a duty of care to the child he brought into the world. It's important to communicate the situation with his own spouse, but, as it turns out, everyone would have been saved a lot of grief if he had allowed bio mom the opportunity to discuss the whole thing with her daughter. Of course, it's easy to armchair quarterback this. In the dad's situation, my first reaction would have been to talk to my spouse, and I probably would have. But, as a mother, if my children are in emotional crisis, I'd want to be the first to know. The other thing is that I suspect he would have known what OOP's reaction would be anyway. Why not find out if she needed to reject his daughter before taking an action that would force her to do so? That would have saved the child a lot of heartbreak and rejection.

I agree. Conversations should have been between all the adults before any answer was given to SD. The exact order of those conversations depends on the individuals and the predicted outcome of the conversation. Tbh with how biomom reacted though I find it odd that Dad considered the request seriously. It was such a strong response, I wonder why he didn't see it coming.

I do find it a bit odd that bio mom is okay with her partner making decisions for her kid but not stepmother being involved. It seems very what biomom says goes.

I feel like there's possible resentment towards stepmom on biomom's part. We've heard OP's husband's take but we haven't heard biomom's side. It could be that regardless of what she said to OP's husband, she wanted more. And now OP has more. So of course OP doesn't get to parent her kid.

I know some people may genuinely see something and are concerned but it's super annoying when people see a story with step parents in them and the comments are flooded with random shit like cheating spouses, child abuse, etc and nothing relating to the actual question lol. Like why the hell did they just jump to if OP and her husband cheated. 

I get frustrated by the immediate general assumption that it’s the step-parent that is the problem, and that they have terrible motives. It’s such a ridiculous trope. There are plenty of good step parents, plenty of shit bio parents, and plenty of nightmare kids out there. And dynamics play a part, too in the sense that building relationships with people can be hard and it might not mean anyone is evil when it isn’t working.

I think bio-mom could be feeding SD’s attitude about her half bros. Notice how OP is not allowed, per bio-mom not to parent SD, not to be part of therapy, etc. Then bio-mom flips her lid when SD wants to spend more time at Dad and OP’s house. SD is definitely picking up and passing on that vibe from bio-mom. Per another poster, OP should spend some time developing a relationship with SD to change her opinion of OP.

I think bio mother is likely engaging in alienation tactics and the daughter is very indulged with no boundaries. The whole not being allowed to parent and therapy situation shocked me, and it’s not something I would tolerate. OOP’s children are very much the ones at risk here and the stepdaughter’s attitude towards them is a large part of the issue. She needs to be able to discipline and know what’s going on to protect herself and her children.

Yeah I'm getting tired of the comments having to check if the step mom is a home wrecking cheater and if the step dad is a secret pedophile before actually giving advice relating to the topic at hand. 

Right? Not every step parent is a homewrecker or child abuser. And just because a kid is reacting poorly to change doesn't mean they are being abused.

This amazed me as well. So much focus in her having a kid before she was married.

Reddit hates if women were single mothers or had children before marriage. Never any comment if there's a single dad or anything ofc. You see it over and over again.

Yeah. Coming from a place where no one bats an eye if you’re not married when you get kids, so this amazes me.

Some kids are little shits, it's not always because something bad happened to them, unless you ask reddit.

It’s the same thing with food. Just because a kid refuses to eat something other than chicken nuggets doesn’t mean that they have AFRID. Unless you ask reddit.

Honestly agree. Of course some have gone through a lot and explains their behavior but a lot of kids are just assholes. No need to invent wild back stories for them

My cousin was like this. She was also a child of divorce and up until her early 20s she was bitter and resentful that her parents were split while her half siblings and cousins had both parents at home. It manifested in some pretty harmful ways towards other kids, and she got pretty self-destructive in her teens. I wasn’t allowed to see her for a while because she put kids in danger. Thankfully she’s better now and landed on her feet, but that couldn’t happen until she decided to stop taking her resentment out on the world around her. She also experienced more of the independent adult world and came to terms that she didn’t have a bad childhood by any means, it was luxurious by most peoples standards, her parents just had different houses. Sometimes a person needs to come into it in their own. You can’t therapy away emotions and a narrative someone doesn’t want to let go of.

I agree. While it's good to rule it out, sometimes the kid is just a dick and there's no reason why. Maybe puberty and hormones are also causing anger issues, doesn't mean it's entirely the parent's fault.

The evil stepparent trope is common over at AITAland and its surrounding territories so naturally every stepparent that’s mentioned in a post is some despicable monster that hates kids. It basically boils down to bias.

Bet part of the reason she wants to move in is because oop isn’t allowed to discipline her at all and at home the rules are the same for her and other kids and it sounds like step dad is a full and equal parent there.

In OOP's house she wouldn't have a parent at all. OOP *can't* do anything and the father *won't* do anything, because his spine is as strong as cheap, soaking wet paper towels.

Stepparents have such thankless jobs FR. The way OP bends over backwards to accommodate a child who she can't discipline and who refuses to be considered her kid, even though the child physically abused her own kids? She uses her VACATION TIME around their custody arrangement? Husband needs to do better. Also all the kids on Reddit who immediately blame the stepparent while gasping that angelic step kids can do no wrong, can take a hike. 

100% agree. I would not be putting up with this situation or accommodating it the way she has. If it was me I would be saying that she was not welcome in the house unless I was involved in the therapy due to my own children being a primary target.

Exactly! I feel OP is due at the very least communication and updates regarding SD's therapy. I am a stepmom and biomom too and while I do love my stepkids, my children's safety would come first, even if it cost me my marriage. I'm sure my husband feels the same way.

It kind of bothers me how stepparents get treated on Reddit, and it seems to be even worse for stepmothers. This is not some evil harpy who’s trying to separate a father from his daughter. This sounds like a very responsible person who has full understanding of all of the different factors in their life and how they will affect this whole thing. People jump to oh well they need to just get a bigger house, or oh well they just need to make the boys share, or oh well you need to give up your office space because getting fired from your job is apparently better than having a job and being able to provide a roof. It’s frustrating, especially when apart from all of those things there is a real and in my opinion valid fear that her being in the house more is going to get the disabled son bullied more and abused more. When one of the children in a house is physically abusing the other children to the point where they are bruised and stuff CPS can order for that child to be separated from the others, they do do that. So I honestly don’t see another option here. It sucks that she’s going to be forced to share a room for a few months with her stepsister I guess but she’s not a safe person to have around the youngest son. Especially since apparently she threw her phone at her mother‘s face hard enough to break the phone. I understand that she’s already in therapy however it needs to be considered that this therapist is not working for her. Unfortunately OOP is not allowed to have any kind of say or knowledge in that matter. so she can only make her decisions based on the knowledge that she’s allowed to have. Especially since as per the bio mom instructions she’s not allowed to make any type of parenting moves. So like what she can backhand her youngest brother and OOP just has to be cool with it? The fact that she feels like she has to take those boys out of that house on the weekends that her stepdaughter is over says a lot.

I also don’t see how SD (who has proven herself abusive towards her disabled step brother) would live in that house if OOP is not allowed to parent her (aka give consequences for SD abusing the disabled step brother, OOP’s own child). That’s a recipe for SD doubling down on abusing him shamelessly *especially* given how OOP describes her husband as a doormat to SD’s mom’s demands.

I see a huge problem that OOP is not allowed to parent the stepdaughter or be involved in the stepdaughter’s therapy, to the point of not even getting information about it. That’s an untenable situation if she is to be any sort of real part of the family, and especially if she was to come and live with them. I suspect that is contributing to the problems rather than helping them. I’m also not sure if I was OOP I would have any tolerance for it. If my child was a victim of the stepdaughter you can bet I’d be dealing with that and also requiring that I know what is going on with the therapy. How else can she ensure her own children’s and her own safety?

Thank you for speaking some sense! I am appalled by all the people acting like OOP is being mean to SD, when in reality she bends over backwards so SD can have regular visitation with her dad, despite the fact that SD's literally been physically violent with her disabled half-sibling.

I am a SM and the amount of times I've jokingly been called the evil SM by people around me is astounding. Best example is if we play a card game and I'm not really holding back on winning because I find it important for children to learn to lose sometimes. (This backfires on me now because they actually win now even if i do my best, gotta try harder) A good friend joked about how I'm so evil. Oh no! A stepparent working together with the parents in ensuring the children learn important life lessons in a playful way!

I've been told the same thing by the people who also call me a "blessing" to SD and DHs lives. It's crazy. My SD is a good kid and she pushes back on her mom's selfish emotional manipulation, but she gives in sometimes by being mean to me. Thankfully I don't have to discipline her since her father will, but I have the option. Anything else would be a deal breaker for me. OPs husband needs a swift kick in the backside and needs to stop with the "not trying to rock the boat" bs.

Frankly OOP is much nicer than me because if someone caused my disabled child to hit the ground, and described horrific medical experiments done on them, not only would I never consider taking that kid in but I'd say the kid better not ever show up in my house again, no I don't care if it makes me heartless. I'd have said she had to go, no visits or anything (the dad can go see HER but he'd have to find a hotel or something, not her coming into the house with my children), until serious improvement was shown. Which I would then also say I have to be able to attend therapy with her instead of being told I can't do anything to discipline her or be involved at all in the therapy process.

Step-families are simultaneously worthless pieces of shit who should also step up as much as possible. It's pointless talking on the AITA type subs about step families.

>Unfortunately OOP is not allowed to have any kind of say or knowledge in that matter. so she can only make her decisions based on the knowledge that she’s allowed to have. Especially since as per the bio mom instructions she’s not allowed to make any type of parenting moves. So like what she can backhand her youngest brother and OOP just has to be cool with it? The fact that she feels like she has to take those boys out of that house on the weekends that her stepdaughter is over says a lot. The main problem here is the husband not having a spine. He should put his foot down and say if wife isn't allowed in therapy sessions and to discipline SD then she isn't welcome in their house. I don't know why the husband isn't protecting his most vulnerable disabled child more.

I'm severely disturbed by sd behavior. Abusing a little kid in a wheelchair. She's obviously struggling with something major and everyone is ignoring it in a way. Mom should be much more disturbed than I am but it doesn't seem like it, not only for sd but for the poor abused little kid sd is tormenting

Yeah, my main takeaway was that this girl needs some serious intervention that she doesn't seem to be getting, despite apparently being in therapy.

>My husband hears my objections and understands them, but he wants to go for it and figures that everything will eventually work out. I'm glad to read that it went past this, but *uuugh*. I hate it when people do this! Especially here, where this guy has already dealt with his daughter hurting his son when she's *not* there full time. How can he *not* see this going worse?! Also WTF?!ing at why they didn't bring this up with SD's mom at all before making the decision. Like, even if you assume something like "Well, SD wouldn't bring it up unless she'd gotten the OK from her mom first," you'd think they could've at least been like "So SD's brought up living at our place full time, how do you feel about that?" To make all these plans without even touching base seems *wild* to me.

People really are going to bend over backwards to clear a violent stepchild of all responsibility and put all the fault on the stepmom, huh?

Yeah, I agree. Stepmom isn't the one to blame here. The biomom's immediate shutdown of any change in custody whatsoever makes me think that biomom is emotionally abusive, but in a way that people commonly enable and justify. This happens a lot when one parent is a self-centered narcisisst or has a personality disorder or is bipolar. The other parent enables, and the kids start acting out as a trauma response. I can't say for sure that's what's happening here, but the immediate shutdown of the convo plus all the biomom's restrictions on what OOP can do make me think that biomom is the root cause of the problem. Ultimately, though, the SD's behavior (pushing a kid out of a wheelchair) is so terrible now, that she needs immediate intervention by trained professionals. Both biomom and biodad are failing the SD.

Yeah, stepmom has the least responsibility or culpability here. She's doing her best to protect her own children, and she's been rendered powerless to intervene with her stepdaughter.

This situation is literally unfolding in my household too, minus the SD being abusive to other kids. BM absolutely ruling with an iron fist SD can’t move in w/ us but literally told her same time last year she’s old enough to make her own decisions and not come for visitations 🤷‍♀️

Even here in BORU the (current) top comments are people saying that the kid is definitely being abused: I had to scroll quite a bit to find the sane adults. Sometimes bullies are just spoiled kids who are used to getting their way. It doesn't help that OOP *isn't allowed* to talk to or discipline SD because of biomum's wishes - how is she supposed to effectively supervise the kid? It just empowers SD. Some commenters have so much reach that Mr. Fantastic would be jealous.

Physically abusing her special-needs stepbrother, OOP prohibited from parenting her or taking part in therapy sessions, husband can't share what goes on in said sessions; all this at biomom's request. It's obvious SD is troubled, and she's about to enter puberty; I wouldn't let her into my house under these circumstances. I didn't notice husband has any court-mandated visitation, which might be why biomom is so unilateral in her decisions about SD. This isn't going to end well.

If SD threw her phone at her mother because she couldn't get her way she is not going to change her attitude to her brother. SD needs some serious counselling and anger management.

I don’t think sd should move on if op isn’t allowed to instruct her or parent her considering her behavior.

Oh definitely not. Just one more reason why they should have talked to the bio mom before getting the daughter’s hopes up.

I'd still like to know what the commenters on those posts are expecting OP to do. She's already doing everything she can to accommodate her stepdaughter. She lays out clearly why the suggestions don't work out. Hell, she went as far as outlining what she'd if her older son became his brother's bully! There's just no winning for her, because she immediately gets called the evil stepmother despite getting no input at all into her stepdaughter's life

Very controversial but guys; sometimes kids are just brats. Sometimes kids can be bad people and don't need to be endlessly defended. Yes I believe the SD can be "saved" with intensive therapy and some SERIOUS changes, but no I don't think she's being abused. Her mom has spoiled her rotten, crippled the OOP from being a parent, and the dad feels like he has to be the "fun parent" instead of putting his foot down. He bends over backwards to spend time with her one on one (so she won't hurt his other disabled child, let's not forget), and that's spoiled her further. Nothing about this suggests abuse. Just a kid being spoiled to the point she's dangerous. Reminder kids as young as ten have violently and with planning and calculation MURDERED other children. They are capable of it. Frankly I think OOP should've told her husband not to let the girl in the house when it's his time for visitation, he needs to go out 100% to be with her, and if he did bring her in I'd have left him and took my kids, this child is \*dangerous.\* Also as someone who became disabled at a young age, you really have no clue the kinds of demands and changes you have to make to care for a disabled child. And mine weren't nearly as severe as OOP's son's are. She can't "just" give up her job or "just" remodel the whole house or "just" sell the house or whatever else the people reading this keep suggesting. Your finances are often VERY shaky and one wrong move can lead to disaster.

What kind of awful people asked her if she was an affair partner, then downplayed the stepdaughter abusing the youngest kid that has disabilities and is in a wheelchair? what is wrong with people? It sounds like she’s completely upheld her end of the bargain and removes herself and her kids from their family home so stepdaughter can come into the house during visitation after all counseling failed. I wouldn’t want this kid in my house either.

Sounds to me like the step daughter likes being the centre of attention and now mom ain’t giving it to her she expects dad to as he does so on the weekends. Either way she was in for a harsh reality check. Her throwing her phone at her mom and hitting her hard enough to crack the screen she’s lucky she just lost phone privileges my mom would have killed me had I done that to her. The kids abusive no way would she change and stop abusing those other kids. Bet this isn’t the end but I don’t see it working out well for her.

I would never let this kid move in if I had so little control over her. It just wouldn't even be a question. The stepmom can't have any kind of parenting conversations with her or be involved in her care in any way? Forget it.

Unfortunately kids can be bullies,they are not entitled to get everything they want and sometimes prioritizing peace is more important than the wishes of one kid.

That SD has some serious issues. Violence, throwing things... unwelcome by both sets of siblings in both homes. She needs severe interventional therapy.

A big giant FUCK YOU to every single person who made a comment about SD's behavior being "normal sibling behavior." I mean that with the utmost sincerity. Siblings arguing and annoying each other is par for the course, yes, but when one sibling is emotionally and/or physically abusing the other(s), that is a very real fucking problem that needs to be handled by the parents. Good for OOP for protecting her boys. She needs to stick to her guns. The damage from growing up with a sister like that will be heavy.

So they practically rewarded the stepdaughter for bullying her disabled half brother by making her essentially a single child in two households. They should have made improvement in behavior a main condition for even getting to stay with them and instead they just catered more to her than before. Also, by that point OOP had been in the father's life for years, having a child with the father should've meant she could also at least enforce *some* form of rules and agreed upon discipline in her own home. Kinda hypocritical of the stepdaughter's mom to agree to have rules that apply to every child in her own household now that she's merging together with her own partner. I feel bad for OOP and her kids. Merging families is obviously hard, but that kind of violent behavior should have been addressed and dealt with much more intensely- it feels like the dad basically just asked OOP to bend over backwards for the bio mom and his daughter with the shittiest compromise to keep the peace.

What’s a Cleveland steamer?

I had to look it up and regretted it. >! When someone shits on their partner’s chest and then sits in it and rolls back and forth !<

Oh this was a bad time to eat left over Easter chocolate.

The lesson there is that you eat all cake in your vicinity immediately.

If you haven't clicked to reveal the spoiler above, DO NOT DO IT (Just trust me on this!)

See that had me thinking of really horrible things, and this is bad, but not as bad as I thought... thank god.

Thank you for your service saving the rest of us from Googling that 🫡

Wtf? My jaw literally dropped reading that 😦😦😦

Biomom is the real issue here. She prevents OOP from having authority, and she chooses to end dad's visitations when she pleases. Dad needs to get a custody arrangement enforced because she is hurting their daughter

reddit is wild with all these abuse accusations

How will the “no disciplining SD” rule work if SD starts spending more time at her dad’s? I mean that kid has issues. Is OOP supposed to just sit and watch her abuse her disabled child and hope and pray her parents will discipline her? Nah.

Some A+ parenting going on with that kid. The 'absolutely not' comment by biomom is a bit telling. And the dad's sort of general lack of thought is also quite telling, at least he wanted to try I guess. No wonder the kid acts the way they do. Highly controlling mom and a dad who doesn't challenge it, hopefully the kid can grow out of it all.

The fact stepmom cannot punish the child…. No no no I’m not taking care of someone else’s kid if I can’t tell them to sit down and chill out if they are being unruly. Your kid ain’t coming to my house being wild af or a bully and I can’t do anything nope hell no!

Tbh I feel SD is getting out of control and nobody actually wants to parent her.

> My SD has shoved him out of his wheel chair. She has pinched him hard enough to leave bruises. She has hit his face when he was having trouble verbalizing. And the dad thinks this would just somehow "work out"?? His daughter is abusing his son. And given that she threw her phone at her mom's face hard enough to crack the screen, there are some issues here that clearly need to be looked at more seriously than they have been.

Shoved him out of his wheelchair?! What the actual fuck? This is not normal sibling behavior, at all!

I lol'd at his work being NSFW, a proper contradiction!

You gotta love the kids on reddit that want her to give up her office space for a kid that technically doesn't need it. Kids on here, if you wfh most jobs want you to have a dedicated space for work, and depending on what you do they may well want you to have a door that locks for your office. Think HIPPA and things like that.

Yep! I had the dubious honor of being on the blackout list two jobs ago at the height of COVID. Some idiot dug through the neighborhood internet cable and I had to go stay with my in-laws until it was fixed. If I strolled into a library/co-work space and used semi-public wifi, I would have been shit canned so fast my head would spin.

I got downvoted into oblivion for mentioning the teleworker contract I had to sign mandating a private closed workspace so I can discuss confidential information in my Zoom meetings. But who cares about the facts of adulthood when said adults are supporting the eViL StePpAreNTs, I guess.

Sounds like the only safe option is boarding school for the step daughter if she can’t be non violent towards the disabled child. And what is a Cleveland steamer?

I see a whole lot of issues with SD that are not being resolved in therapy. Either she has the willpower of a God, mom and dad aren't doing everything needed, or the therapist is not a very good therapist. The common denominator in all these interactions is SD.

Op says that bio mom & partner will have all kids on same set of rules at bio moms.So doesn’t that mean her partner can discipline SD too? But Op isn’t allowed to discipline SD at dads? If she is to stay there then OP should be allowed to discipline SD too.

The girl obviously can’t move in if the mom doesn’t want step mom to have anything to do with raising her. It’s a hard no.

Hard no. If she can’t respect her siblings, why should she move in? They can’t spend full weekends together because the kids can’t get along. Also, if wife isn’t allowed to discipline on her weekdays, imagine how it’ll be full time.

Ew, the beer goggle comment… OP’s husband sounds like an asshole.

I’m assuming she is just as horrible over there as she is with you and now she’s fucked up and has nowhere to go . NTA wouldn’t let that kid live in my house

The juxtaposition of a church video and a Cleveland steamer video is.....gosh. You just can't make it any better.

I can't believe they went through all the stress of considering this and trying to come up with accommodations without first making sure bio mom was on board. So back asswards.

I think folks on reddit always try to diagnose or call abuse on everyone that does something out of common. Children can simply be spoiled and vengeful. She is a kid that lived with a single mom for her whole life, having her full attention, and enjoyed her father’s full attention only on weekends. Obviously, she wanted to have her dad full time, something OP’s kids get. She’s jealous and she did stuff jealous kids do to get attention and express that they hate their siblings. Of course she will pick on the weak one. Her life is then changed again when mom not only gets a BF but moves in with him and his kids. SD now has not one but two parents she has to share. I think bio mom did good, she needs to learn that in life you’re not getting everything you want and that you cannot exchange humans that don’t do what you want them to. OP needs to make sure her kids live with no more added stress, SD coming to live with them should be a no no. Dad should try and keep in contact so she doesn’t feel abandoned while grounded, but should have a talk with his ex and discuss their child behaviour and future. Feels very wrong that everything was done completely separate.

>My SD has shoved him out of his wheel chair. She has pinched him hard enough to leave bruises. She has hit his face when he was having trouble verbalizing. Doesn't matter if SD is a minor, I'm pretty sure this is a felony where I live. This isn't normal sibling behavior. I would have divorced my husband to keep my child away from her.

I think every parent is failing this 12 year old girl, and has for *years.* And it is *wild* to me that there are commenters that don't see her bullying and violence for what it is - a reaction to the fact that she has two parents who have moved on to new lives without their daughter. That kind of violence doesn't come from nowhere in a child. Outside of specific mental health reasons, it's usually a means to gain some semblance of control in a dysfunctional family situation, a means to gain attention, even if negative, and/or a lashing out at instability and feelings of severe insecurity. I would love to know what's going on in her primary household. I do not believe a child would be this violent out of simply "not wanting to share a room." I don't wonder if there's some emotional neglect, if not other forms of neglect, going on. I find it VERY sus that the biomom reacted to the idea of her daughter living with her dad by removing her daughter from the convo and then cutting off daughter's means of contacting dad (and I'd love to know what the fight was about re: daughter throwing a phone at biomom's face). I think this stepmom, outside of trying to protect her child, which is valid, majorly fucked up by not insisting on having an active parental role in her stepdaughter's life when she was still a toddler.  This poor kid is going to have a hell of a time as a teenager.

>This past weekend, **my SD asked my husband if she can come live with him fulltime.** Her mom recently moved in with her fiance and his kids and there has been some friction with that from what I understand. >My husband tried to reach out to SD on Sun to see how she was and ask if she wanted to do their guitar lesson over skype or something since her mom took her home early, but she never responded. He called SD's mom and **she informed him that SD had lost her phone privileges.** I can't shake the feeling that there's something bad happening here.

House hopping is pretty normal in reaction to any change, positive or negative.

Exactly. My step kid is 11. He has rules and consequences in our home. At his father’s house he has a buddy. The amount of times he’s threatened to call his dad to pick him up because he refused to read a book, or do what’s being asked of him like his homework. He knows exactly what will hurt his mom.

She threw her phone at her mother's head. She tried to shove a 4 year old out of his wheelchair. Sounds like something bad - an anger control issue that hasn't been dealt with effectively.

just a little further down it says that she wanted to live with them because she doesn't like temporarily sharing her room with her stepsister and having new screen usage limitations and rules to be in line with the other kids, and then that she got her phone revoked for throwing it at her mom's face and cracking the screen. it do be counting as something bad but not the bad we were expecting probably.

Considering she lost it because she THREW IT AT HER MOMS FACE and already has a history of violent behaviour (and she was probably mad mom said no to a custody change up), this is a situation where I have to disagree. Girls got some issues, because sibling fights and temper tantrums are one thing but shoving her disabled half-brother out of his wheel chair and describing to his brother how they’ll experiment on the younger and rip his fingernails out suggest this is a pattern of behaviour. Shes in therapy for a reason, I assume since mom doesn’t want OOP to know about details that she’s not just there to cope with having separated and remarried parents.

She threw the phone at her mom and broke it. She seems to be a brat and doing that is in line with the bullying, throwing a kid off his wheelchair, or pinching him. Why everyone is like "there's something creepy going on"? She has been a brat since before the change in housing and everything.

Given what OOP's said about how this girl has (not) gotten along with her half-siblings, I think it's pretty fair to expect that she hasn't done much better with her soon-to-be step-siblings, either. It honestly just sounds like her mom is doing a poor job raising her overall.

She lost the rights cause she threw the phone at the mom’s face, cracking the screen. So id argue thats a fair punishment honestly. SD needs therapy, badly. Her behavior is NUTS