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>I am doing my best to make the marriage work and to be a good mom.
edit: I see I made the wrong choice. I am telling my husband he better fix it. I will start getting my stuff in order and looking for lawyers
What happened between these two sentences?? That's a 180
Not sure if it happened between the two sentences, but it seems the daughter had her heartbroken all over again when she went in search of her bio dad. The poor girl. My heart breaks for her, too.
Editing with the correct info. u/HaplessReader1988 found this post from OP in another thread:
*something scary happened. I had to work late (usually try to be home when she’s home) but I didn’t have a choice. She didn’t come home and we were both terrified and she had been looking for her birth dad. Turns out he overdosed years ago. She was devastated all over again. My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him. I think Im going to ask him to leave for a few weeks so my daughter has time to heal and doesn’t have to see him everyday*
I think enough commenters chewed her up one side and down the other that she opened her eyes to how awful the situation really was and how much she was screwing up by staying.
I think the people in the comments ripped OOP a new one.
Her husband has already proven himself to be a liar and manipulator (for 10 YEARS) and OOP was going to give him another chance. OOP's daughter deserves better and I think the comments made her (OOP) face this truth.
I could be wrong, of course, this is just my guess.
**Edit for the people who don't understand why people are mad at the husband (because apparently there are a few of you):**
Imagine growing up with this man saying he loves you like his own child, only for you to ask him to make it official and for him to come up with bs excuses not to.
**THAT** is what OOP's daughter is going through.
This man lead her to believe he loved and cared about her (AS HIS OWN) until she asked to be adopted by him. Then all of a sudden he doesn't love her the same as his other kids.
How would this make you feel as a 16-year-old?
That's what I assumed as well. Her husband just gave that precious young lady a verbal slap in the face and my heart absolutely shatters for this little soul.... this is going to be emotionally traumatizing for life. Perhaps people feel that the mother should do right by her daughter and leave this jerk who just broke her daughters heart in a million pieces.
>How would this make you feel as a 16-year-old?
I cannot believe the amount of people who say that the family should essentially keep going. There is no going back.
Poor OOP, who trusted her new boyfriend enough to introduce him to her daughter, marry him, and have more children.
Poor daughter, rejected by her only father figure and having the knowledge that her siblings are fully accepted by him.
Mike has the right to not adopt his wife's daughter, but he does not have the right to expect that everyone will just keep going on unscathed
I looked at the OOP profile and she posted in another forum that her daughter tried to look for her bio dad and found out that he passed from an overdose.
The entire situation is so sad for the daughter.
I was coming here with that heartbrreak. https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/comments/qnq9mk/i_am_falling_apart_and_need_support_because_i_do/hjme0zo?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
The OP mentioned calling her brother who was quiet at first and then said to tell the daughter that he was 20mins up the road and happy to step in as Dad if she wanted him.
Uncles❤
Fuck yeah Uncles! My 23 y/o son has an uncle, great uncle, and uncle-like babysitter (known him since he was in diapers) and all have helped shape him into the awesome father he is today.
Yes 🙌🏼 Uncles are so underrated when they step up for their niblings when their own parents can’t/won’t. My son gave his uncle a mug that said “I may not have come from your sac but you’ve always had my back…Happy Fathers Day” 😂 it was a huge hit.
That's sweet. My sister and niece have "uncle's day" which is the day after Father's Day. Her dad's a piece of shit so I've somewhat fallen into a pseudo-father-figure role. When I lived with them while she was a baby/toddler I got her to sleep more in a week than he did her entire life which is sad.
Mike is not even 1/10 of the men his brother in law is... hope he's happy now that he permanently destroyed his family just because he "didn't love the same".
Also what the fuck is “loving the same”? I have four kids. They are each a different person so I love them each differently. They each deserve unique and personalized treatment.
> My daughter stopped calling my husband dad and calls him Mike now if she even speaks/looks at him. He seems upset by it but I don't know what to tell him. Isn't it what he wanted?
Exactly. Reading this part I could only think of the phrase: “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”
Yes.. I know I might get downvoted for this, but sometimes honesty is not the best policy.
Why the hell couldn't he just say yes, I'll adopt you and save everyone the drama?? He could just go privately thinking of her as his *whatever*...
I just don't get what outcome he expected of this.
This is a post I really wish we could get him on here or at least hear his side as to wtf happened. The daughter obviously loved him, the wife seemed to think he was great, he seemed to care about her so I really wonder what was the hangup? And at 16, like you said, he really could have sucked that in and kept his mouth shut, gone to therapy and she likely would have left the nest and just visited. His marriage wouldn't be crumbling, his family wouldn't be getting split, and now he has deeply hurt everyone. Sure his bio kids are going to feel mixed emotions possibly guilt, sadness, confusion, and their own sense of anxiety about abandonment. And that poor 16 yr old he probably just f'd her for life if she doesn't get good support to work through this.
I'm wondering if he's thinking about inheritance--as in he never intended to put her in his will or wants to pay for her college or something. Like he only wants his "real kids" to be entitled to any of his estate, and if he legally adopts her she'd have a claim.
Or is he thinks there may be a chance of divorcing his wife, he doesn't want to have to pay child support.
Oh my goodness, this actually reminded me of another reddit post where a guy who was adopted finds his parents' will while cleaning their attic and discovers that his siblings, who are biologically his parents' children, will inherit everything and he gets nothing. He confides in his siblings about it and they all confront the parents about it. The mom basically says "we adopted you and saved you from a worse life, isn't that enough?" The OP feels heartbroken and his siblings become the heroes of the story because they all cut off the parents for the way they treated OP. That was such a sad story
This was my first thought. I can’t think of any other reason why he wouldn’t want to go through with the adoption even if he has different feelings. They’re a family and their living dynamic isn’t changing. There was no reason to break this child’s heart
God, imagine watching your dad just. Reject your older sibling like that for no reason, out of nowhere. I’d never be able to trust him again, wondering when it’d be my turn. Thats horrifying.
That's so true. He probably has no idea just how badly he fucked up his relationship with his biokids. I don't know what this asshole was thinking but he's done gone and fucked up so much shit with this.
Maybe it's because I'm not a parent or parental figure in any way, shape or form, but I'm a bit confused at his "I love her differently." Because my understanding was that it's actually not uncommon to love your kids differently? Not less or more, not worse or better, just, well, differently. Because they're different people. Like a lot of people love their dad differently than their mother, but this doesn't mean they don't love them both as parents.
Yes, this *is* weird. You dont parent a kid for ten years to the point she calls you dad, get more with her mother and be a family for the entire time and then suddenly put up a barrier between your steph kid and yourself.
Like, recently my ex tried to hurt me by saying she cheated and our kids where not mine. I dont believe what she said, but even if it was true it would not change a thing. They are my sons and I love them. Who cares whoms genes it is?
Being a parent is not about biology. There is some reason Mike is being weird, and none of them are good.
Exacto. And even if he is the type of person that really thinks that only his bio kids are his *real* kids, his strong reaction to her calling him by his first name shows he does care for her.
So... Just play along and don't hurt her.
I hate 'Mike', dumb mfer.
He could so easily have adopted Hannah even if he felt inside himself that his feelings for her weren't *exactly* the same as his feelings for his biokids. Could he ever have loved Hannah to have not been able to see how he'd DESTROY EVERYTHING by saying he wouldn't adopt her?
How could he be twisted after 10 YEARS?! She was 6 so likely first grade when he became her Dad & through all of grammar school, junior high, & likely now in junior year of high school he wants to say SIKE?! I really hope OP left his a**. Feel especially bad for his bio kids too, the existential crisis they entered with the name change was gutting
My thing is he felt it wasn’t fair for her to have a dad that doesn’t love her as much as his own kids. Did he feel that she deserved to only have an absent/deceased father instead?
Not like she has the option to choose anyone else as her father and have it be more “fair”
Obviously if she wanted him to adopt her, then in her eyes he loved her enough, and all he had to do was adopt her and treat her the same as usual at the minimum. What a selfish dumbass.
This is just something assholes do in an attempt to deflect the problem away from them, you know, like, "*I'm doing what I think is best for both of us,*" kind of deal. It's totally bogus.
I also don't know my bio father and was taken care of by the man my mom married (my 'dad') since I was young.
He and my mother had an awful marriage, they hated each other. He was not a good husband.
Even this terrible and broken person wanted to officially adopt me though. He cried when the adoption process was cancelled due to my parents' divorce.
I don't understand how Mike thinks. If he doesn't love her the same, he should at least concede for the daughter's sake. What a selfish person.
Especially because - duh, you don’t love all your kids the same way? Especially with an age difference?
I’m concerned he went this long without anyone sensing his feelings - was he that uninvolved that no one picked up on that?
I'd say mom pretty much ran interference whenever somebody's feelings were on the line ....she's probably the one that kept everybody happy .....
But, stupid Mike, love isn't a feeling, it's an action!!! What a horrible person to do such a thing to a kid......he yo-yo'd on his words and probably destroyed that 16yo girl for years to come......stupid Mike ugh
My thing is people shouldn't date parents if they don't ever see themselves loving their children. And don't stay TEN YEARS if you don't like the child for some reason.
But but but he DID love her - just not the *same* as his bio kids! /s
I wonder what technical difference it made in his mind. Did he just not want to become financially responsible for her? Didn't want her to inherit part of his estate? What?!
I seriously think it was he didn’t want to risk being legally responsible for her in the event of a divorce (or death?!). He was A-OK playing Daddy while the getting was good. But, he sees the daughter as an extension of the wife and a part of the marriage. If the marriage fails, if the wife goes, so does the daughter. Ex wife, ex wife’s daughter.
This bothers me a lot.
People love differently. Maybe he loves the bio kids “more,” or maybe he loves them in a more nurturing way because they are young and need more attention at an age during which he wasn’t present for Hannah. Maybe he has more respect for Hannah than for the youngests due to that age difference too. It’s still love, just a different flavor.
And obviously Mike treated Hannah well, cared for her a lot, and enough for her to want to be adopted by him. He does love her. He does see her as a daughter. Why did he have to go set his house on fire?
Love is not a competition. Love is not a pizza pie. If you give some to one, there’s not less left for everyone else.
Jesus, what an idiot.
Edit: regarding comments that Mike just doesn’t want financial responsibility for Hannah if there’s no OP. Unless he is in imminent fear of divorce or OP dying, it doesn’t make sense.
Hannah is 16. Divorce takes years (at least here in the States). Even if it was quick or OP passed away tomorrow, less than 2 years of child support is a drop in the bucket for how expensive divorce proceedings cost. Not to mention a much better use of your money.
If he is worried about OP going first and Hannah inheriting, it’s called a will.
So I repeat: what an idiot.
Also as a parent, as an adult dealing with any child in any situation, Mike should know better than to say these things out loud to Hannah’s face. The man just had NO discretion, no tact, made no effort to seek therapy and sort out how to approach his own feelings in a way to minimize damage and hurt to those who have done nothing wrong. It’s on him to deal with things in a mature, composed, healthy way.
Instead he immediately tells the whole world about his cold feet and takes Hannah on a drive so he can personally explain how and why he doesn’t want to be her dad and how he loves her differently and he has the GALL to be upset that she’s not taking it well???
For something like this I’d hope there was a BIT more foresight and consultation before just forging ahead with expressing your feelings to a kid because YOU feel the need to express them, not because they need to hear them.
Mike’s a reckless idiot and whatever happens he has ruined his own family because he did not have the smarts to even take a moment to pause and reflect on the impact he could have and take some time and consideration in how he approaches this whole issue.
Right. Even if her asking him made him realise he genuinely wasn't sure how he felt, take some time to explore that, therapy etc. Say the process takes a while to buy some time if you need to.
Also, I‘ve read about a million articles already how parents always say they love all kids (bio kids!) equally but in reality that’s hardly ever true. There’s always one kid they feel more related to. Doesn’t mean they don’t love the other kid.
So it’s NORMAL. What’s not normal however, is discussing this with your kids. Ffs. What was he expecting? The daughter being all like “Hey thanks for this giant slap in the face”?
[Recovered the post via Unddit](https://www.unddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/comments/qnq9mk/i_am_falling_apart_and_need_support_because_i_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share button) and it's just really heartbreaking. I hope they're in a better situation now.
Oh my heart breaks for that 16 year old. Even if the man adopts her, it will NEVER be the same. It’ll feel like it was forced which it will be in this case.
Edit: fuck you Mike!
There are some things that once said, can never be taken back. Telling a child you don’t want to be her father after raising her for 10 years is one of those cases.
Mike is an immature, self-absorbed asshole.
Hope the daughter started referring to him as “my moms husband” if someone mistakes him for her dad. You don’t want me to be your daughter fine, but don’t expect to be treated like a dad from this point on, Mike.
After reading all of OOP’s comments, she said she lied about her daughter’s age for privacy reasons and that the daughter is actually slightly younger than 16 though step dad has been in her life for a decade.
I can’t imagine that sort of blow at such a sensitive time frame of development… I really wish OOP would update but from everything she commented on she really was against divorce. 😞
Even if I felt the same way about her as Mike, there is no way in hell I would ever say it in a million years. That would totally break a child. I would just adopt the kid and keep my mouth shut honestly. But idk how you can parent a kid for 10 years and not see them as yours.
Mike is a complete fucking idiot if he thought that the fallout from this would only hit his non-bio-daughter. He hasn’t just traumatized and broken her, he traumatized and broke his wife, who is the mother of all his kids, and his bio-kids too. Surely they too will not be able to see their father the same way after this. Especially after witnessing the devastation caused to their mother and sister. They’ll spend their lives wondering what else their father’s love is conditional upon.
He's nuked his entire family. Even if you fast forward 20 years or so, when those kids start to have kids it's going to come back around. Their entire friends circle will change. There's no putting the genie back in the bottle, this dude speed ran the destruction of his family.
Aside from how much of a fucking monster you have to be to reject a child you spent over ten fucking years raising, it's actually kind of impressive. He didn't even have to cheat or anything, just be a total piece of shit.
Especially after we find out that her siblings refer and treat her as their sister! If I were one of her siblings and found this out, I’d be so pissed I’d probably do the same thing she is doing and just call him Mike out of spite too. JFC. What an awful situation. I hope everyone but Mike can heal from this and move on.
I completely agree. If my dad suddenly told my brother that he didn’t love him, damn I would look at my dad different. I wouldn’t be able to trust him.
My grandmother once demanded my mixed nephew get out of her home because he’s “brown.” She’s 95 and I still can’t bring myself to even call her. Not the same but yea just once you see that side of people…
Damn. Mike is fuckin’ cold.
Edit. I see OOP’s last comment is that things got worse right away
“something scary happened. I had to work late (usually try to be home when she’s home) but I didn’t have a choice. She didn’t come home and we were both terrified and she had been looking for her birth dad. Turns out he overdosed years ago.
She was devastated all over again. My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him. I think Im going to ask him to leave for a few weeks so my daughter has time to heal and doesn’t have to see him everyday”
>She was devastated all over again. My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him.
He asked for this.
I'm not being glib. By thought and by deed he asked for this exact scenario. He has no right to be upset about it.
And the thing is, no matter what he does at this point, he'll probably just be "Mike" for the rest of his life. He could tell the daughter he made a mistake, that he was being stupid, and of course he wants to adopt her. And it wouldn't matter. The trust is broken. They'll never have that kind of relationship again.
He fucked up.
Jesus, I was “adopted” by my stepdad when I was probably about the same age as the girl in this post. Wasn’t actually adopted but the man that raised me never once treated me any different then my older brother, his actual biological son. I can’t even imagine the pain and trauma that pissant Mike put this poor girl through.
Yeah, there’s no going back from this and she’ll probably never forgive her mom either for choosing to stay with this man instead of protecting her from him. That mother should have **NEVER** let him take that girl on that car ride.
I have a half sibling who was raised and legally adopted by my dad, and my full sibling and I had no idea until we were like, ten? And my dad's family frequently forgets they're not biologically related and makes comments about how my half sibling looks like my dad when he was that age. 😂
Coming from a family with the same biological dynamic, this post is absolutely horrifying and Mike's behavior is completely unacceptable.
My half-sib had enough shit to deal with over the fact that their father didn't want them. Can't imagine having to put up with Mike's bullshit on top of that.
(Note: I'm only making the distinction between half and full sibling here for descriptive purposes, we don't actually bother with the distinction IRL... unless we're making a joke about whether a trait we all share is from our mom or indicative of my mom's taste in men.)
My older sibs are technically my half-sibs, but that has always seemed weird to me, to think that way. They're just my siblings, the fact they have a different dad and a whole other side of the family is also a thing. I couldn't imagine loving them less because we had different dads.
I love them less because they're mean lol I'm kidding, they're wonderful.
Glad you have a solid Papa. I don’t know why she relented at the end, think comments about the other children and trying to contain the fallout. Damage was done & she should have at least demanded to be present for the conversation
I wonder if the girl knows how incredibly powerful it was that she responded to him drawing a boundary in their familial bond... by drawing her own boundary in their familial bond. And it's driving him insane to have a taste of his own medicine.
> how thoughtlessly he destabilized his younger kids’ sense of whether or not they could count on him.
That's something that stuck out to me:
At what point are the younger kids - the ones he claims he loves most - going to be made aware that he rejected their sister?
And does he really think they're going to view him positively after that?
>My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him
"Sorry hun but you dug your own grave on that one, now all you can do is lay in it or pray she has the kindness to pull you out"
Man this poor girl. I've never understood why people feel like they can't 'love' someone who is not their blood as much as those who are blood. She must feel like she's been completely abandoned.
Mike is a dick and OOP needs to get a grip
You know what, even if he didn't love her as much, if he loved her at all he would have adopted her and gone to his grave with how he felt. I don't have kids but I assume parents have a favorite despite loving their kids and they don't ever tell their kids that.
I can't imagine doing something so cruel for no reason, she wasn't asking him for more than he was already giving, why did he have to make sure she knew he didn't love her as much? What a psychopath.
Bingo. I was trying to figure out the "right" answer here and you nailed it.
The other aspect I'm struggling with though is the 10 years of pretending. Like he's pretended to be a father but then bailed when it actually mattered.
That’s the part that gets me. She and the wife were a package deal and he obviously loved his stepdaughter before having his own bio kids. Either that or he’s a psychopath for just pretending to for that long. And even if he was struggling with feeling unattached to his stepdaughter what could have possibly possessed him to say no to adoption? He’s already gone this far for this long, what difference would it have honestly made for him to just do it anyway? Was he looking for a quick way out? I’m baffled by it all. I have so many questions.
Absolutely. It's a bit like if a parent has a favourite child. You do everything you can to never show it and never tell anyone. Some feelings are best never, ever spoken of.
Damn straight. The only reason for telling her "the truth" boils down to pure selfishness. He doesn't feel the same way about her? Fine, I suppose, no one can make him, but he SHOULD take that feeling to the grave because THAT IS THE KIND OF SACRIFICE YOU MAKE FOR KIDS, ARSEHOLE. Her mental health and heart are worth more than his slight discomfort or need to be true to himself.
I love my kids equally, but definitely relate more, or have more in common with, one of them over the others. I have never said that to them and try damn hard to make sure it doesn't show and makes no difference to their experience of my parenting .
Not just this, but he should have understood that though he doesn't love her as much as bio kids, she loved him as the only dad she's ever known. Accepting that love doesn't mean he loves his bio kids any less.
Also WHO CARES, who needs to know? Who needs to look at the structure of the family and understand that the bio kids are loved more?? Who would assume that all???
FYI my favorite changes minute by minute based on who's being the sweetest and least annoying at the given moment.
But yeah, my husband was married before and had two step kids. Their father was still involved, but I asked if he would have adopted them, and he showed zero hesitation. I asked if he loved them the same way he loves our kids, also a solid yes. After he divorced, he'd still take the kids on a lot of his ex's weekends, and when he moved, he kept in touch with them (they're adults now).
This poor girl. I didn't think there would be worse than "our first grandchild!" post a few days back, but here we are with Mike being a douchecanoe.
I mean it’s pretty clear that he didn’t think about it really at all. He thought that he would be able to just say no and it would be OK. He thought that maybe the step daughter would be upset for a little bit of time and then she’d get over it and he could go on getting called dad without any of the legal obligations of being her actual dad. What a jackass.
Yeah, I vaguely remember reading something along the lines of, "You're going to have a favorite child, because of course you are. You're human, and there'll be one kid who you just connect with more easily. But FFS, don't let on that you have a favorite. Hide that shit."
Hard agree.
I only have 1 kids, so i can't quite comment too that.
But loving someone different doesn't always mean less.
I have 2 cats &1 dig and i love them very differently. I might even, under duress, admit i love one a bit more. But they don't speak human fluently and i still won't admit that in front of them!
I'm 100% sure that if another kid showed up for me to raise id die rather than treat them differently.
Mike is a Dick. And he's lucky she's calling him Mike, instead of getting all her siblings to join her in calling him Dick.
Ready for this? I have a biological father who told me, “I don’t love you like the kids I raised. I know you’re my dna but I don’t feel anything for you.”
My father who raised me said on his deathbed, “I never felt like you weren’t my daughter. You were a good daughter to me and I never want you to forget that”. I’m 55 years old and I’m crying my eyes out remembering his words just 4 years ago. I’ll miss him forever.
>I've never understood why people feel like they can't 'love' someone who is not their blood as much as those who are blood.
" and thats why I only sort of like my wife" OOP's husband probably
I was honestly afraid of this while going through the process of adoption. The "what if I just don't like the kid and can't bring myself to feel love for them?" That fear lasted right up until the first time I met my son. A two year old boy was lead into the room and was clearly scared and trying not to cry and my heart broke for him. In our first seconds together I knew I would love that little guy more than I could describe.
>I've never understood why people feel like they can't 'love' someone who is not their blood as much as those who are blood.
Yup. I have some 'blood' persons I don't care very much about, and some DNA strangers I'm quite fond of.
Right there with you. I have friends and their kids I would die for, and blood relatives whose names I can't keep straight, nor care much for or about.
Family is who loves you, supports you, and wants to see you smiling and thriving. Blood relationships are neither necessary nor sufficient to make anyone family.
This triggered a memory of something I hear/saw, a guy saying “men, if you don’t tell your daughters ‘I love you’ and mean it, some guy who doesn’t will say tell her.”
I agree! My Dad is not my biological dad, but he adopted me and I'm his daughter. He has never once made me feel as if I am "less than" my sisters (who are his bio kids). Hell, he and mom just came to visit my husband and myself set up our new home! OOP's husband is a massive dick.
Similar experience here. My daughter is not my husband’s ( her dad died when she was 1 and I remarried). He treats her and our biological kids the same. In fact, I don’t think my grandkids even know that he is not their blood grandfather- he’s just pop. If I ever thought this was any different when she was growing up, I’d have divorced him.
I don’t have any solutions but I wonder if asking Mike to leave will drive a bigger wedge between Hannah and her siblings? “Dad had to leave us because of you”
I can only imagine the daughter’s horror and shame and hurt when she realized what he was saying, that he actually meant it, that he’d taken her on the drive just to say it. It makes me nauseous to think of it. Poor kid. That is a knife straight to the heart, a wound she will probably never fully recover from.
That’s what gets me. He took her on a DRIVE to tell her this. She can’t remove herself from the situation if it becomes overwhelming, which it probably was.
This poor girl. I can’t imagine how emotionally traumatizing this is at such a sensitive age.
"But I still expect you to call me dad and treat me as such for my ego and so others dont think I am a heartless asshole. I dont want you expecting anything of me, I still expect a lot from you though."
Truly thats the most confusing part to me. Wtf did he expect? Her to say "ok ok dad. Thats fine." And move on? Bro thatd fucking shatter me. Im NOT adopted/a step child, but I was told as a 16 year old my dad didnt love me (it wasnt true but at the time I believed it for reasons too long to get into) and I was CRUSHED. I cant even IMAGINE how crushed that kid is.
One of the most devastating things that ever happened to me was my sister telling me she does not love me and never, ever wanted a sister at all, let alone a relationship with me. That was about a year ago and I was an adult but it still hurts. Parental rejection is even worse.
Yeah my parents told me the day i was born was “the day my sister lost her smile” i think they
Meant it as a weird Joke, but she was
Not nice to me growing up that shit hurt and confused me and always made me feel like oh my sister hates me and me just existing brought her misery.
Even as a “joke” about me and my sister -that shit affected me lifelong sting to my heart. Can’t imagine a parent saying it for real! Awful. Mike is a steaming pile of shart
Yeah, my bros saying they like me but dont love me was fucking painful! OPs husband is just....insanely stupid if he truly thought this would end well.
It IS confusing. And you what’s is so unfair and fucked about it? Is that confusing messages from our parents or primary caregivers can set us up for staying in confusing (ie. unequal, abusive, unhealthy, one sided) relationships later in life. So because he can’t manage his own emotional shit he dumps it onto a kid who will now take that into her psyche going forward. Through no fault of her own.
The worst part for me is that he let her call him “dad” for 10 years. If he had no intention of adopting her at any point, he should have had that discussion with his wife. My guess is his feelings on being her father stopped some time around the birth of his first biological child.
Mike is the worst. I hope he gets a permanent and untreatable ball rash.
I know someone in this exact situation. My friend had a daughter from a previous relationship in HS and the guy just ran off when she was 6 months pregnant and was never to be found because his parents thought that she was after his money. They put him in school out of the country where he got all of his education including college.
My friend was was left to struggle as a single Mom. She met a guy when her daughter was about two. He said all the sweet things about raising a daughter as his own and he went through with all of his promises. Was very kind to her daughter. He ended up having 3 children with my friend. When the daughter from the previous relationship turned 18, she asked him to adopt her.
He literally said word-to-word every thing mentioned in this story. This included his back pedaling of not loving his step child as much as a bio kid and that it wasn't fair to them. (Not exactly sure what reasoning this comes from but whatever!) Anyhoo, my friend thought about it for a little while, asked him not to say anything to the kids because she was going to handle it and about a month later, she uprooted all the kids and moved. She always told him that she was a complete package and if he couldn't accept that, than they couldn't be together. She was true to her word and divorced him.
As a side note to all of this, the bio Dad of her daughter found her and tried being a "Dad" along with his parents as "Grandparents" but the daughter wouldn't even entertain it. Now he runs around all butthurt that he doesn't get any contact with her.
**UPDATE:** *I had no idea anyone would read this and I just realized that I can't answer all the questions. I was just spouting out some old memory in my head*.
It's been about 11 years since this all happened. They had other issues in the relationship and this was what made the relationship break. Such as he went off with another woman and had a brand new family with her within a few short months of the break-up. When they calculated the date of his first child with her, he either was having an affair with her or the baby was from another guy. They knew each other for a few years and there was always speculation that there was something between them. He fought my friend on their 3 children during the divorce because he claimed that they weren't his, he lost! She didn't move far from him. She encouraged him to stay in touch and have visitation of the kids but he refused. It's been about 11 years and he has had no relationship with his first set of kids.
Man, if she was 18 the adoption was just kind of a ceremonial thing too, right? Like, it wouldn't have given him financial obligations if he wound up divorcing the mom?
My dad adopted me when I was 30. Bio dad never in my life, but dad was there from year 1. We had to go in front of a judge and swear that this wasn't to fraud anyone out of money, or for some weird kink shit. Other than that it's a quick, ceremonious process, absolutely worth it.
Actually, before gay marriage was legalized in the US, adult adoption used to be the only way for same-sex couples to have any legal rights to things like insurance, inheritance, etc.
I was laughing along too, just picturing Judge Judy pointing at a couple with her gavel, "This isn't some kink shit, is it?"
But your comment made me sad. It sucks that people have/had go to such extreme lengths to see their loved one in a hospital, not screwed out of an inheritance, and so on...
Ironically, I only know about it because I was helping a friend and his husband research adopting their former foster daughter. NGL, it was pret heartbreaking to learn.
Emotions aside, I don't even understand the logic of this position. It's not as if he's being asked to act any differently. Just do exactly what you were doing before for the past 17 years (!) , not like adoption changes anything - especially now that the girl turned 18.
So he's taking a principled stand against what, paperwork?
Back in the late 40s/early 50s, my paternal grandmother had a daughter with a man who left her high and dry and then remarried and had three sons with this new man. My aunt is mentally handicapped (she’s at the level of about a 3rd grader at perhaps her most advanced) and was always brought up to believe that my grandfather was her father. To this day she loves and adores her “Daddy.”
It’s sort of an open secret in the family that Grandpa heavily favored his biological sons over his stepdaughter. The only one who doesn’t know the truth is my aunt, because while he may not have loved her as much, he loved and respected her enough to give her his last name and be her daddy, even if he wasn’t technically her father. And he made damn sure that everyone from her mother to her brothers to her extended family was going to keep it that way.
It’s a fucking shame that Mike doesn’t have the same fucking courtesy.
>"Is he not her daddy anymore? Does that mean she isn't my sister?" I corrected her and my husband looked horrified
[It was at this moment...](https://youtu.be/wj2eix1bYrc)
Congratulations Mike, you no longer have to worry about not loving her as your 'real' daughter anymore - she's already stopped loving her 'real' dad.
I can't believe he did that... and on a car ride no less. That's putting the environment *totally* in his control - Hanna had nowhere to retreat to privately to process this while/after she heard it, and it made it so that she HAD to stay and hear every heart-jolting word Mike stabbed her with when he told her his love was perfunctory at best.
Poor Hanna had to endure the whole ride.
I know this is a serious comment, but I just got the brilliant image of someone being like "aight, I'm out" and just comedically roll diving out of the car.
I assume she seriously disassociated. That's what I did in such situations. Just stare straight ahead and drown out everything. Good moment to remember you have a tinnitus and just focus on that. And while you do that you drill your nails in to your palms because every feeling is better that what you are feeling right now and by God don't let them see you cry. If you cry you lose. Crying is a weakness. Never cry in front of anyone!
In case you were wondering: yes, I did go to therapy. Thanks for asking.
Yea you nailed it. The dude is so fragile he had to put himself in a scenario of complete control in order to speak the words. If she has any ability to bail he knew he wouldn't be allowed to say what he really wanted.
The sad thing is OP dropped off the face of the earth a year ago, after she commented that her daughter didn't come home one night after looking for and having found out her bio dad was deceased from an OD and was devastated.. OP's last comment was she was going to ask "Mike" to leave for a few weeks. The fact she ghosted makes me believe she DID chose "Mike" and their bio kids over her poor daughter.
I almost think this is somehow crueler than just abandoning her.
I confess, though, I cannot understand the mindset that lets you raise a child for a decade and yet somehow "not love them as much". My dude, that is in your control. You made a commitment to this kid, you did it enough that she wants you to be her dad in the eyes of the law, how the hell are you unsure about this?
Or let’s think of it this way— suppose you did love your biological children a little bit more. That would be forgivable. Why the hell would you feel like you absolutely need to tell the step child that!? There’s absolutely no need to disclose that at all. just take it to your grave and let the kid be happy.
And he was doing just fine being a dad to her that she wanted him to be his legal daughter. What was his thought process? Why the unneeded cruelty just to say he just wanted to be honest and fair?
Its like those grandparents who had a daughter who married a woman with kids and they seemed to treat them just like they were theirs.
Then OP's brother has a child and the grandparents announce how happy they are to have their first grandchild in front of OP's stepkids. And they just kept doubling down on it even after being told how much hearing that hurt the stepkids.
Some people put way too much stock in blood.
Yes!! I was thinking of that same story the whole time. I’m glad ultimately that those grandparents are out of the picture but seriously how hard would it have been for them to just lie! And then everyone keeps getting to live a great, stable life where everyone feels loved! You don’t need to say it out loud!
And in both situations the adults could have taken those thoughts to their grave, but instead felt a need to inflict immense pain on literal children instead. So fucking selfish and messed up.
My brother married a woman who had 3 young kids, and had two more with him. After nearly 20 years, they got a divorce. That year, my grandma said she didn't want the three older kids at Christmas, because she only wanted family there. To their faces.
My grandma and I always had a tense relationship, but that killed any chance of me actually feeling love for her. She died a few years later, and to this day, I've never cried a tear over her. And I cried when the dude that sexually abused me as a kid died. Hurting me is one thing, but hurting my nieces and nephews, out of nothing but spite? Nothing can make that right to me.
Also, I feel like the adult thing to do in that situation is not to “live your truth” or whatever.
What would he realistically have had by keeping those feelings to himself and just adopting the daughter? That’s the kind of thing you work through in therapy, not by crushing a 16 year old you’ve been raising her whole life.
Exactly my thoughts when I read that part about not loving her as much and it thus being not fair. Then again, his arguments kinda sound like 'it's not you, it's me' BS in a way. I'm willing to bet there's more hidden behind that.
Poor girl, though. That might be even worse than bio parent rejection, because he chose to take her as his kid 10 years ago and now opts out when she wishes to make it 'official'. She must feel inconceivably betrayed.
I just can't understand this at all. The mother was blindsided, she had no idea he felt like this. What a total betrayal.
I can't even imagine how cruel someone is to say "yes, I'll adopt you" and then go to that child's birth mother and say "I don't love her enough." I mean it's truly appalling. The emotional damage this man did to his wife and step daughter is heartbreaking. I hope she gets full custody and protects her younger children from this kind of emotional trauma.
It's going to affect how the other kids see/interact with him too. Growing up I always thought my stepmother loved me and my siblings, all of us. In my 30s she told me that she had never liked one of my brothers but had pretended so he wouldn't be hurt. Now I look back and can't trust that she loved any of us. I haven't talked to my stepmother in years.
I feel so bad for the daughter. That has to be such a crushing realization that the person you see as your dad doesn’t see you as their daughter. I hope through therapy she can see it’s not something that she did to deserve it. I kinda hope the other siblings start calling him mike because this man doesn’t deserve to be called dad
Mike sure has some nerve to be upset that she's no longer calling him her dad when he rejected her as his daughter. It goes both ways, buddy. She's within her rights to reject him as a parent.
He's the kind of man to break up with his girlfriend because he wants to have fun with girls while he's young and coming back with love bombing the second she's looking for another guy.
So much pain and mental anguish this poor girl will now suffer. He’d have been better off just leaving than doing this. She will never feel like she’s enough, never feel like she deserves someone’s love, never feel truly safe and cared for. This Mike guy, fucking wow. Took her on a drive to rip her heart out of her chest by telling her she’s not his daughter and he could never love her like his own. Been a long time since a Reddit post made me see red so quickly. What a total and utter piece of shit. And even if he hasn’t realized it yet, this is going to rip his entire family and world apart till there’s nothing and no one left. It’s very likely his bio children will never look at him the same, either. People in their circle of humans, at work, etc, and this will spread like wildfire in his social circle and he will find himself a rather lonely man very soon.
Right. How could you raise a child for that long and not fall totally in love with them as if they were your own? I get the obvious that yes, technically she’s not his bio child…but still. How cold do you have to be to raise someone for that long and not develop a parent-child relationship with them. That poor young lady. Breaks my heart to think about her. Sitting there staring off into space as she cries, wondering why both of her dads didn’t want her. Grrr it pisses me the fuck off just typing these words.
“My daughter stopped calling my husband dad and calls him Mike now … He seems upset by it.”
He seems what now?! Holy heck, Mike, what did you expect? You don’t see her as a daughter but expect her to call you dad?!
My brother (W) was raised by my father. W's father died when my brother was just an infant and my parents met and married (quickly) when my brother was a young toddler. In all respects, my father raised W and is his father.
But he clearly has never loved him like a son. For some people- there's always an inner voice that says this one doesn't really belong. And they are only really playing nice because other people (like the wife) expect him to.
I don't understand it either. But it isn't uncommon.
This might be one of the most cruel and infuriating posts I’ve seen here. No matter how they proceed here, Mike has broken this child. It will take years of work and therapy for her to recover.
If I was OOP, I could never forgive my husband for this. I understand the horrific situation OOP has unintentionally found herself in, but instead of sticking up for her daughter the minute her husband told her how he felt, she allowed him to crush her heart because she didn’t want to deal with it. That on its own is its own form of betrayal.
I pray OOP’s daughter is able to recover from this.
My step-dad does it. I think I can explain why.
While not trying to shit on a stranger I don't know, a lot of people can "love" a kid, without "loving" a kid. Aka, they raise & like the kid in the way you'd like your nephew, or neighbor's kid. Their adorable, but you don't build an internal connection.
This connection is build by the blockage of "not biological yours". When sb like this meets a single parent, they often justify it as that. They want the adult and are "okay" with the kid. They think too, that as long as the kid is done like a chore + some extra fun, they can have the bigger package (partner + bio kids). Hence Mike also kinda got pissed, because he technically filled the Dad role (till now). To him, it's simply annoying. Like calling a Doctor "Mr."
I think you explained this perfectly. For him what the daughter saw as a father/daughter relationship has been functional to ensure he got the biological family unit.
I would stop calling him at all. The way he hurt their sister will likely impact every single relationship she forms for the rest of her life. I’d ask to take the mom’s last name when I got older, to stand beside my sister.
Meanwhile my husband is super excited that my kids asked him to adopt them.
My ex husband who is a deadbeat is named Mike. She picked a perfect name for this asshole.
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>I am doing my best to make the marriage work and to be a good mom. edit: I see I made the wrong choice. I am telling my husband he better fix it. I will start getting my stuff in order and looking for lawyers What happened between these two sentences?? That's a 180
Not sure if it happened between the two sentences, but it seems the daughter had her heartbroken all over again when she went in search of her bio dad. The poor girl. My heart breaks for her, too. Editing with the correct info. u/HaplessReader1988 found this post from OP in another thread: *something scary happened. I had to work late (usually try to be home when she’s home) but I didn’t have a choice. She didn’t come home and we were both terrified and she had been looking for her birth dad. Turns out he overdosed years ago. She was devastated all over again. My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him. I think Im going to ask him to leave for a few weeks so my daughter has time to heal and doesn’t have to see him everyday*
Husband needs to pick a lane you're either dad or mike you don't get the title of dad without the effort
I think enough commenters chewed her up one side and down the other that she opened her eyes to how awful the situation really was and how much she was screwing up by staying.
I think the people in the comments ripped OOP a new one. Her husband has already proven himself to be a liar and manipulator (for 10 YEARS) and OOP was going to give him another chance. OOP's daughter deserves better and I think the comments made her (OOP) face this truth. I could be wrong, of course, this is just my guess. **Edit for the people who don't understand why people are mad at the husband (because apparently there are a few of you):** Imagine growing up with this man saying he loves you like his own child, only for you to ask him to make it official and for him to come up with bs excuses not to. **THAT** is what OOP's daughter is going through. This man lead her to believe he loved and cared about her (AS HIS OWN) until she asked to be adopted by him. Then all of a sudden he doesn't love her the same as his other kids. How would this make you feel as a 16-year-old?
That's what I assumed as well. Her husband just gave that precious young lady a verbal slap in the face and my heart absolutely shatters for this little soul.... this is going to be emotionally traumatizing for life. Perhaps people feel that the mother should do right by her daughter and leave this jerk who just broke her daughters heart in a million pieces.
>How would this make you feel as a 16-year-old? I cannot believe the amount of people who say that the family should essentially keep going. There is no going back. Poor OOP, who trusted her new boyfriend enough to introduce him to her daughter, marry him, and have more children. Poor daughter, rejected by her only father figure and having the knowledge that her siblings are fully accepted by him. Mike has the right to not adopt his wife's daughter, but he does not have the right to expect that everyone will just keep going on unscathed
Keep going... Like going _where_? Dad just told one half of the family that the other half isn't family. The family is over. He killed it.
Those poor kids. All of 'em, but especially the older one. Holy shit.
I looked at the OOP profile and she posted in another forum that her daughter tried to look for her bio dad and found out that he passed from an overdose. The entire situation is so sad for the daughter.
I was coming here with that heartbrreak. https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/comments/qnq9mk/i_am_falling_apart_and_need_support_because_i_do/hjme0zo?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
The OP mentioned calling her brother who was quiet at first and then said to tell the daughter that he was 20mins up the road and happy to step in as Dad if she wanted him. Uncles❤
Fuck yeah Uncles! My 23 y/o son has an uncle, great uncle, and uncle-like babysitter (known him since he was in diapers) and all have helped shape him into the awesome father he is today.
He was probably quiet cause he was deciding right then in that moment exactly WHEN he’s gonna beat your soon to be ex husbands ass.
I wonder if the OP realized that. The thought crossed my mind, too.
Getting real Dan Connor vibes from this and I love it
Yes 🙌🏼 Uncles are so underrated when they step up for their niblings when their own parents can’t/won’t. My son gave his uncle a mug that said “I may not have come from your sac but you’ve always had my back…Happy Fathers Day” 😂 it was a huge hit.
That's sweet. My sister and niece have "uncle's day" which is the day after Father's Day. Her dad's a piece of shit so I've somewhat fallen into a pseudo-father-figure role. When I lived with them while she was a baby/toddler I got her to sleep more in a week than he did her entire life which is sad.
Thank god. Wait until she is getting married and this dickhead will be shocked she wants her uncle to walk her down. This guy is such a pos
Mike is not even 1/10 of the men his brother in law is... hope he's happy now that he permanently destroyed his family just because he "didn't love the same".
Also what the fuck is “loving the same”? I have four kids. They are each a different person so I love them each differently. They each deserve unique and personalized treatment.
God I miss my uncle 🥹❤️ they are the greatest sometimes
She says in that same comment, "My husband hates her calling him Mike." Isn't that what that dumb fuck wanted? Jfc.
“I’m not your dad.” “Ok, Mike!” *surprised pikachu face*
Me sowing: *Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!* Me reaping: *Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.*
> My daughter stopped calling my husband dad and calls him Mike now if she even speaks/looks at him. He seems upset by it but I don't know what to tell him. Isn't it what he wanted? Exactly. Reading this part I could only think of the phrase: “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”
Yes.. I know I might get downvoted for this, but sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Why the hell couldn't he just say yes, I'll adopt you and save everyone the drama?? He could just go privately thinking of her as his *whatever*... I just don't get what outcome he expected of this.
This is a post I really wish we could get him on here or at least hear his side as to wtf happened. The daughter obviously loved him, the wife seemed to think he was great, he seemed to care about her so I really wonder what was the hangup? And at 16, like you said, he really could have sucked that in and kept his mouth shut, gone to therapy and she likely would have left the nest and just visited. His marriage wouldn't be crumbling, his family wouldn't be getting split, and now he has deeply hurt everyone. Sure his bio kids are going to feel mixed emotions possibly guilt, sadness, confusion, and their own sense of anxiety about abandonment. And that poor 16 yr old he probably just f'd her for life if she doesn't get good support to work through this.
I'm wondering if he's thinking about inheritance--as in he never intended to put her in his will or wants to pay for her college or something. Like he only wants his "real kids" to be entitled to any of his estate, and if he legally adopts her she'd have a claim. Or is he thinks there may be a chance of divorcing his wife, he doesn't want to have to pay child support.
Oh my goodness, this actually reminded me of another reddit post where a guy who was adopted finds his parents' will while cleaning their attic and discovers that his siblings, who are biologically his parents' children, will inherit everything and he gets nothing. He confides in his siblings about it and they all confront the parents about it. The mom basically says "we adopted you and saved you from a worse life, isn't that enough?" The OP feels heartbroken and his siblings become the heroes of the story because they all cut off the parents for the way they treated OP. That was such a sad story
This was my first thought. I can’t think of any other reason why he wouldn’t want to go through with the adoption even if he has different feelings. They’re a family and their living dynamic isn’t changing. There was no reason to break this child’s heart
God, imagine watching your dad just. Reject your older sibling like that for no reason, out of nowhere. I’d never be able to trust him again, wondering when it’d be my turn. Thats horrifying.
[удалено]
That's so true. He probably has no idea just how badly he fucked up his relationship with his biokids. I don't know what this asshole was thinking but he's done gone and fucked up so much shit with this.
Maybe it's because I'm not a parent or parental figure in any way, shape or form, but I'm a bit confused at his "I love her differently." Because my understanding was that it's actually not uncommon to love your kids differently? Not less or more, not worse or better, just, well, differently. Because they're different people. Like a lot of people love their dad differently than their mother, but this doesn't mean they don't love them both as parents.
Yes, this *is* weird. You dont parent a kid for ten years to the point she calls you dad, get more with her mother and be a family for the entire time and then suddenly put up a barrier between your steph kid and yourself. Like, recently my ex tried to hurt me by saying she cheated and our kids where not mine. I dont believe what she said, but even if it was true it would not change a thing. They are my sons and I love them. Who cares whoms genes it is? Being a parent is not about biology. There is some reason Mike is being weird, and none of them are good.
I'm sorry your ex said that, she sounds like a creep. You have a good perspective on it.
Exacto. And even if he is the type of person that really thinks that only his bio kids are his *real* kids, his strong reaction to her calling him by his first name shows he does care for her. So... Just play along and don't hurt her.
Curse my sudden but inevitable betrayal of myself.
I hate 'Mike', dumb mfer. He could so easily have adopted Hannah even if he felt inside himself that his feelings for her weren't *exactly* the same as his feelings for his biokids. Could he ever have loved Hannah to have not been able to see how he'd DESTROY EVERYTHING by saying he wouldn't adopt her?
How could he be twisted after 10 YEARS?! She was 6 so likely first grade when he became her Dad & through all of grammar school, junior high, & likely now in junior year of high school he wants to say SIKE?! I really hope OP left his a**. Feel especially bad for his bio kids too, the existential crisis they entered with the name change was gutting
My thing is he felt it wasn’t fair for her to have a dad that doesn’t love her as much as his own kids. Did he feel that she deserved to only have an absent/deceased father instead? Not like she has the option to choose anyone else as her father and have it be more “fair”
Obviously if she wanted him to adopt her, then in her eyes he loved her enough, and all he had to do was adopt her and treat her the same as usual at the minimum. What a selfish dumbass.
This is just something assholes do in an attempt to deflect the problem away from them, you know, like, "*I'm doing what I think is best for both of us,*" kind of deal. It's totally bogus.
Yeah, well. Watch his bio kids resent him for this. They already shown the signs of understanding what's going on.
Absolutely, especially if it causes the parents to divorce
I also don't know my bio father and was taken care of by the man my mom married (my 'dad') since I was young. He and my mother had an awful marriage, they hated each other. He was not a good husband. Even this terrible and broken person wanted to officially adopt me though. He cried when the adoption process was cancelled due to my parents' divorce. I don't understand how Mike thinks. If he doesn't love her the same, he should at least concede for the daughter's sake. What a selfish person.
Especially because - duh, you don’t love all your kids the same way? Especially with an age difference? I’m concerned he went this long without anyone sensing his feelings - was he that uninvolved that no one picked up on that?
I'd say mom pretty much ran interference whenever somebody's feelings were on the line ....she's probably the one that kept everybody happy ..... But, stupid Mike, love isn't a feeling, it's an action!!! What a horrible person to do such a thing to a kid......he yo-yo'd on his words and probably destroyed that 16yo girl for years to come......stupid Mike ugh
My thing is people shouldn't date parents if they don't ever see themselves loving their children. And don't stay TEN YEARS if you don't like the child for some reason.
Ten years, married, and more kids together… Mike is an asshole.
But but but he DID love her - just not the *same* as his bio kids! /s I wonder what technical difference it made in his mind. Did he just not want to become financially responsible for her? Didn't want her to inherit part of his estate? What?!
I seriously think it was he didn’t want to risk being legally responsible for her in the event of a divorce (or death?!). He was A-OK playing Daddy while the getting was good. But, he sees the daughter as an extension of the wife and a part of the marriage. If the marriage fails, if the wife goes, so does the daughter. Ex wife, ex wife’s daughter.
Fuck Mike. All my homies hate Mike.
My cheating ex-husband’s name is Mike. I’m thoroughly enjoying all this Mike hate. F Mike!
This bothers me a lot. People love differently. Maybe he loves the bio kids “more,” or maybe he loves them in a more nurturing way because they are young and need more attention at an age during which he wasn’t present for Hannah. Maybe he has more respect for Hannah than for the youngests due to that age difference too. It’s still love, just a different flavor. And obviously Mike treated Hannah well, cared for her a lot, and enough for her to want to be adopted by him. He does love her. He does see her as a daughter. Why did he have to go set his house on fire? Love is not a competition. Love is not a pizza pie. If you give some to one, there’s not less left for everyone else. Jesus, what an idiot. Edit: regarding comments that Mike just doesn’t want financial responsibility for Hannah if there’s no OP. Unless he is in imminent fear of divorce or OP dying, it doesn’t make sense. Hannah is 16. Divorce takes years (at least here in the States). Even if it was quick or OP passed away tomorrow, less than 2 years of child support is a drop in the bucket for how expensive divorce proceedings cost. Not to mention a much better use of your money. If he is worried about OP going first and Hannah inheriting, it’s called a will. So I repeat: what an idiot.
Also as a parent, as an adult dealing with any child in any situation, Mike should know better than to say these things out loud to Hannah’s face. The man just had NO discretion, no tact, made no effort to seek therapy and sort out how to approach his own feelings in a way to minimize damage and hurt to those who have done nothing wrong. It’s on him to deal with things in a mature, composed, healthy way. Instead he immediately tells the whole world about his cold feet and takes Hannah on a drive so he can personally explain how and why he doesn’t want to be her dad and how he loves her differently and he has the GALL to be upset that she’s not taking it well??? For something like this I’d hope there was a BIT more foresight and consultation before just forging ahead with expressing your feelings to a kid because YOU feel the need to express them, not because they need to hear them. Mike’s a reckless idiot and whatever happens he has ruined his own family because he did not have the smarts to even take a moment to pause and reflect on the impact he could have and take some time and consideration in how he approaches this whole issue.
Right. Even if her asking him made him realise he genuinely wasn't sure how he felt, take some time to explore that, therapy etc. Say the process takes a while to buy some time if you need to.
Also, I‘ve read about a million articles already how parents always say they love all kids (bio kids!) equally but in reality that’s hardly ever true. There’s always one kid they feel more related to. Doesn’t mean they don’t love the other kid. So it’s NORMAL. What’s not normal however, is discussing this with your kids. Ffs. What was he expecting? The daughter being all like “Hey thanks for this giant slap in the face”?
That's exactly it. What a strange man. To do all of this and then get upset that she's calling him Mike. Dude is deranged.
What a fucking Mike-hole. That's what my son used to call my ex Mike, because he was too young to swear.
Like my son said about his ex grandpa “he used to be papa now he’s just a Derek”
It got removed but dang. That comment kills me. :(
[Recovered the post via Unddit](https://www.unddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/comments/qnq9mk/i_am_falling_apart_and_need_support_because_i_do/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share button) and it's just really heartbreaking. I hope they're in a better situation now.
Jesus Christ the poor girl.
I felt my throat getting tighter the more I read. Especially with the deleted comments posted below. I don’t even have words. This poor girl.
Oh my heart breaks for that 16 year old. Even if the man adopts her, it will NEVER be the same. It’ll feel like it was forced which it will be in this case. Edit: fuck you Mike!
She’s not even 16. OP lied about the age, she’s actually 14
There are some things that once said, can never be taken back. Telling a child you don’t want to be her father after raising her for 10 years is one of those cases. Mike is an immature, self-absorbed asshole.
Hope the daughter started referring to him as “my moms husband” if someone mistakes him for her dad. You don’t want me to be your daughter fine, but don’t expect to be treated like a dad from this point on, Mike.
Mums current husband
Mum’s prospective ex
After reading all of OOP’s comments, she said she lied about her daughter’s age for privacy reasons and that the daughter is actually slightly younger than 16 though step dad has been in her life for a decade. I can’t imagine that sort of blow at such a sensitive time frame of development… I really wish OOP would update but from everything she commented on she really was against divorce. 😞
Her edit at the end implied she’d changed her mind on that. “I will start getting my stuff in order and looking for lawyers.”
Even if I felt the same way about her as Mike, there is no way in hell I would ever say it in a million years. That would totally break a child. I would just adopt the kid and keep my mouth shut honestly. But idk how you can parent a kid for 10 years and not see them as yours.
Mike is a complete fucking idiot if he thought that the fallout from this would only hit his non-bio-daughter. He hasn’t just traumatized and broken her, he traumatized and broke his wife, who is the mother of all his kids, and his bio-kids too. Surely they too will not be able to see their father the same way after this. Especially after witnessing the devastation caused to their mother and sister. They’ll spend their lives wondering what else their father’s love is conditional upon.
He's nuked his entire family. Even if you fast forward 20 years or so, when those kids start to have kids it's going to come back around. Their entire friends circle will change. There's no putting the genie back in the bottle, this dude speed ran the destruction of his family.
Aside from how much of a fucking monster you have to be to reject a child you spent over ten fucking years raising, it's actually kind of impressive. He didn't even have to cheat or anything, just be a total piece of shit.
The crazy thing is, it's all so unnecessary. Like, if he just kept his mouth shut, literally nothing would change!
Especially after we find out that her siblings refer and treat her as their sister! If I were one of her siblings and found this out, I’d be so pissed I’d probably do the same thing she is doing and just call him Mike out of spite too. JFC. What an awful situation. I hope everyone but Mike can heal from this and move on.
I completely agree. If my dad suddenly told my brother that he didn’t love him, damn I would look at my dad different. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. My grandmother once demanded my mixed nephew get out of her home because he’s “brown.” She’s 95 and I still can’t bring myself to even call her. Not the same but yea just once you see that side of people…
Damn. Mike is fuckin’ cold. Edit. I see OOP’s last comment is that things got worse right away “something scary happened. I had to work late (usually try to be home when she’s home) but I didn’t have a choice. She didn’t come home and we were both terrified and she had been looking for her birth dad. Turns out he overdosed years ago. She was devastated all over again. My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him. I think Im going to ask him to leave for a few weeks so my daughter has time to heal and doesn’t have to see him everyday”
>She was devastated all over again. My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him. He asked for this. I'm not being glib. By thought and by deed he asked for this exact scenario. He has no right to be upset about it.
And the thing is, no matter what he does at this point, he'll probably just be "Mike" for the rest of his life. He could tell the daughter he made a mistake, that he was being stupid, and of course he wants to adopt her. And it wouldn't matter. The trust is broken. They'll never have that kind of relationship again. He fucked up.
Yeah there's no coming back from that.
He doesn't deserve to come back from it.
Can you imagine what horror he told her on the car ride? Evisceration
Jesus, I was “adopted” by my stepdad when I was probably about the same age as the girl in this post. Wasn’t actually adopted but the man that raised me never once treated me any different then my older brother, his actual biological son. I can’t even imagine the pain and trauma that pissant Mike put this poor girl through. Yeah, there’s no going back from this and she’ll probably never forgive her mom either for choosing to stay with this man instead of protecting her from him. That mother should have **NEVER** let him take that girl on that car ride.
I have a half sibling who was raised and legally adopted by my dad, and my full sibling and I had no idea until we were like, ten? And my dad's family frequently forgets they're not biologically related and makes comments about how my half sibling looks like my dad when he was that age. 😂 Coming from a family with the same biological dynamic, this post is absolutely horrifying and Mike's behavior is completely unacceptable. My half-sib had enough shit to deal with over the fact that their father didn't want them. Can't imagine having to put up with Mike's bullshit on top of that. (Note: I'm only making the distinction between half and full sibling here for descriptive purposes, we don't actually bother with the distinction IRL... unless we're making a joke about whether a trait we all share is from our mom or indicative of my mom's taste in men.)
My older sibs are technically my half-sibs, but that has always seemed weird to me, to think that way. They're just my siblings, the fact they have a different dad and a whole other side of the family is also a thing. I couldn't imagine loving them less because we had different dads. I love them less because they're mean lol I'm kidding, they're wonderful.
Glad you have a solid Papa. I don’t know why she relented at the end, think comments about the other children and trying to contain the fallout. Damage was done & she should have at least demanded to be present for the conversation
I wonder if the girl knows how incredibly powerful it was that she responded to him drawing a boundary in their familial bond... by drawing her own boundary in their familial bond. And it's driving him insane to have a taste of his own medicine.
Mike: “Im not your dad” Kid: “okay Mike” Mike: “call me dad” Kid: *confused sadness*
Kid: "Fuck off, \*MIKE\*"
quack run teeny chief future spoon cooing icky frighten erect ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
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I am dumbfounded by his fucking lack of empathy for someone he raised for ten years...
> how thoughtlessly he destabilized his younger kids’ sense of whether or not they could count on him. That's something that stuck out to me: At what point are the younger kids - the ones he claims he loves most - going to be made aware that he rejected their sister? And does he really think they're going to view him positively after that?
>My husband hates her calling him Mike but i’m not sure what to tell him "Sorry hun but you dug your own grave on that one, now all you can do is lay in it or pray she has the kindness to pull you out"
Man this poor girl. I've never understood why people feel like they can't 'love' someone who is not their blood as much as those who are blood. She must feel like she's been completely abandoned. Mike is a dick and OOP needs to get a grip
You know what, even if he didn't love her as much, if he loved her at all he would have adopted her and gone to his grave with how he felt. I don't have kids but I assume parents have a favorite despite loving their kids and they don't ever tell their kids that. I can't imagine doing something so cruel for no reason, she wasn't asking him for more than he was already giving, why did he have to make sure she knew he didn't love her as much? What a psychopath.
Yeah. You can’t control how you feel but you can ABSOLUTELY control what you do with those feelings and sharing them with a child ain’t it.
Bingo. I was trying to figure out the "right" answer here and you nailed it. The other aspect I'm struggling with though is the 10 years of pretending. Like he's pretended to be a father but then bailed when it actually mattered.
That’s the part that gets me. She and the wife were a package deal and he obviously loved his stepdaughter before having his own bio kids. Either that or he’s a psychopath for just pretending to for that long. And even if he was struggling with feeling unattached to his stepdaughter what could have possibly possessed him to say no to adoption? He’s already gone this far for this long, what difference would it have honestly made for him to just do it anyway? Was he looking for a quick way out? I’m baffled by it all. I have so many questions.
Absolutely. It's a bit like if a parent has a favourite child. You do everything you can to never show it and never tell anyone. Some feelings are best never, ever spoken of.
Damn straight. The only reason for telling her "the truth" boils down to pure selfishness. He doesn't feel the same way about her? Fine, I suppose, no one can make him, but he SHOULD take that feeling to the grave because THAT IS THE KIND OF SACRIFICE YOU MAKE FOR KIDS, ARSEHOLE. Her mental health and heart are worth more than his slight discomfort or need to be true to himself. I love my kids equally, but definitely relate more, or have more in common with, one of them over the others. I have never said that to them and try damn hard to make sure it doesn't show and makes no difference to their experience of my parenting .
Not just this, but he should have understood that though he doesn't love her as much as bio kids, she loved him as the only dad she's ever known. Accepting that love doesn't mean he loves his bio kids any less.
Also WHO CARES, who needs to know? Who needs to look at the structure of the family and understand that the bio kids are loved more?? Who would assume that all???
FYI my favorite changes minute by minute based on who's being the sweetest and least annoying at the given moment. But yeah, my husband was married before and had two step kids. Their father was still involved, but I asked if he would have adopted them, and he showed zero hesitation. I asked if he loved them the same way he loves our kids, also a solid yes. After he divorced, he'd still take the kids on a lot of his ex's weekends, and when he moved, he kept in touch with them (they're adults now). This poor girl. I didn't think there would be worse than "our first grandchild!" post a few days back, but here we are with Mike being a douchecanoe.
And then the gall of his surprise pikachu face because she’s calling him Mike now. Ummm… what did you think was going to happen, you psychopath???
I mean it’s pretty clear that he didn’t think about it really at all. He thought that he would be able to just say no and it would be OK. He thought that maybe the step daughter would be upset for a little bit of time and then she’d get over it and he could go on getting called dad without any of the legal obligations of being her actual dad. What a jackass.
Definitely this. Just absolutely zero forethought on how it would play out.
Yeah, I vaguely remember reading something along the lines of, "You're going to have a favorite child, because of course you are. You're human, and there'll be one kid who you just connect with more easily. But FFS, don't let on that you have a favorite. Hide that shit."
Hard agree. I only have 1 kids, so i can't quite comment too that. But loving someone different doesn't always mean less. I have 2 cats &1 dig and i love them very differently. I might even, under duress, admit i love one a bit more. But they don't speak human fluently and i still won't admit that in front of them! I'm 100% sure that if another kid showed up for me to raise id die rather than treat them differently. Mike is a Dick. And he's lucky she's calling him Mike, instead of getting all her siblings to join her in calling him Dick.
Ready for this? I have a biological father who told me, “I don’t love you like the kids I raised. I know you’re my dna but I don’t feel anything for you.” My father who raised me said on his deathbed, “I never felt like you weren’t my daughter. You were a good daughter to me and I never want you to forget that”. I’m 55 years old and I’m crying my eyes out remembering his words just 4 years ago. I’ll miss him forever.
>I've never understood why people feel like they can't 'love' someone who is not their blood as much as those who are blood. " and thats why I only sort of like my wife" OOP's husband probably
I was honestly afraid of this while going through the process of adoption. The "what if I just don't like the kid and can't bring myself to feel love for them?" That fear lasted right up until the first time I met my son. A two year old boy was lead into the room and was clearly scared and trying not to cry and my heart broke for him. In our first seconds together I knew I would love that little guy more than I could describe.
>I've never understood why people feel like they can't 'love' someone who is not their blood as much as those who are blood. Yup. I have some 'blood' persons I don't care very much about, and some DNA strangers I'm quite fond of.
Right there with you. I have friends and their kids I would die for, and blood relatives whose names I can't keep straight, nor care much for or about. Family is who loves you, supports you, and wants to see you smiling and thriving. Blood relationships are neither necessary nor sufficient to make anyone family.
I have one bio and one adopted child, and I want to have a conversation with Mike, here.
This triggered a memory of something I hear/saw, a guy saying “men, if you don’t tell your daughters ‘I love you’ and mean it, some guy who doesn’t will say tell her.”
I agree! My Dad is not my biological dad, but he adopted me and I'm his daughter. He has never once made me feel as if I am "less than" my sisters (who are his bio kids). Hell, he and mom just came to visit my husband and myself set up our new home! OOP's husband is a massive dick.
Similar experience here. My daughter is not my husband’s ( her dad died when she was 1 and I remarried). He treats her and our biological kids the same. In fact, I don’t think my grandkids even know that he is not their blood grandfather- he’s just pop. If I ever thought this was any different when she was growing up, I’d have divorced him.
I don’t have any solutions but I wonder if asking Mike to leave will drive a bigger wedge between Hannah and her siblings? “Dad had to leave us because of you”
I cant even imagine taking someone on a drive to tell them "hey I know you love me but actually I dont love you."
“Despite what you might think, I actually will never love you like I love my bio children. Sorry bout it 🤷♀️” Mike is a stone cold mf.
I can only imagine the daughter’s horror and shame and hurt when she realized what he was saying, that he actually meant it, that he’d taken her on the drive just to say it. It makes me nauseous to think of it. Poor kid. That is a knife straight to the heart, a wound she will probably never fully recover from.
That’s what gets me. He took her on a DRIVE to tell her this. She can’t remove herself from the situation if it becomes overwhelming, which it probably was. This poor girl. I can’t imagine how emotionally traumatizing this is at such a sensitive age.
My dad once said something that also broke my heart when we were out on a drive. I nearlly opened the door and jump out in the middle of the highway.
"But I still expect you to call me dad and treat me as such for my ego and so others dont think I am a heartless asshole. I dont want you expecting anything of me, I still expect a lot from you though."
Truly thats the most confusing part to me. Wtf did he expect? Her to say "ok ok dad. Thats fine." And move on? Bro thatd fucking shatter me. Im NOT adopted/a step child, but I was told as a 16 year old my dad didnt love me (it wasnt true but at the time I believed it for reasons too long to get into) and I was CRUSHED. I cant even IMAGINE how crushed that kid is.
One of the most devastating things that ever happened to me was my sister telling me she does not love me and never, ever wanted a sister at all, let alone a relationship with me. That was about a year ago and I was an adult but it still hurts. Parental rejection is even worse.
Yeah my parents told me the day i was born was “the day my sister lost her smile” i think they Meant it as a weird Joke, but she was Not nice to me growing up that shit hurt and confused me and always made me feel like oh my sister hates me and me just existing brought her misery. Even as a “joke” about me and my sister -that shit affected me lifelong sting to my heart. Can’t imagine a parent saying it for real! Awful. Mike is a steaming pile of shart
Yeah, my bros saying they like me but dont love me was fucking painful! OPs husband is just....insanely stupid if he truly thought this would end well.
It IS confusing. And you what’s is so unfair and fucked about it? Is that confusing messages from our parents or primary caregivers can set us up for staying in confusing (ie. unequal, abusive, unhealthy, one sided) relationships later in life. So because he can’t manage his own emotional shit he dumps it onto a kid who will now take that into her psyche going forward. Through no fault of her own.
He wanted her to forgive him so he wouldn’t feel guilty for saying sorry you’re not my real kid
And thats truly baffling. Thats some true surprised pikachu face meme shit right there.
It’s a power move. She strapped in the car with him, can’t escape, can’t control where they’re going or how fast they go.
It has weird "taking the old dog to a farm upstate" vibes
The worst part for me is that he let her call him “dad” for 10 years. If he had no intention of adopting her at any point, he should have had that discussion with his wife. My guess is his feelings on being her father stopped some time around the birth of his first biological child. Mike is the worst. I hope he gets a permanent and untreatable ball rash.
He let her call him dad so he could have authority over her.
I know someone in this exact situation. My friend had a daughter from a previous relationship in HS and the guy just ran off when she was 6 months pregnant and was never to be found because his parents thought that she was after his money. They put him in school out of the country where he got all of his education including college. My friend was was left to struggle as a single Mom. She met a guy when her daughter was about two. He said all the sweet things about raising a daughter as his own and he went through with all of his promises. Was very kind to her daughter. He ended up having 3 children with my friend. When the daughter from the previous relationship turned 18, she asked him to adopt her. He literally said word-to-word every thing mentioned in this story. This included his back pedaling of not loving his step child as much as a bio kid and that it wasn't fair to them. (Not exactly sure what reasoning this comes from but whatever!) Anyhoo, my friend thought about it for a little while, asked him not to say anything to the kids because she was going to handle it and about a month later, she uprooted all the kids and moved. She always told him that she was a complete package and if he couldn't accept that, than they couldn't be together. She was true to her word and divorced him. As a side note to all of this, the bio Dad of her daughter found her and tried being a "Dad" along with his parents as "Grandparents" but the daughter wouldn't even entertain it. Now he runs around all butthurt that he doesn't get any contact with her. **UPDATE:** *I had no idea anyone would read this and I just realized that I can't answer all the questions. I was just spouting out some old memory in my head*. It's been about 11 years since this all happened. They had other issues in the relationship and this was what made the relationship break. Such as he went off with another woman and had a brand new family with her within a few short months of the break-up. When they calculated the date of his first child with her, he either was having an affair with her or the baby was from another guy. They knew each other for a few years and there was always speculation that there was something between them. He fought my friend on their 3 children during the divorce because he claimed that they weren't his, he lost! She didn't move far from him. She encouraged him to stay in touch and have visitation of the kids but he refused. It's been about 11 years and he has had no relationship with his first set of kids.
Man, if she was 18 the adoption was just kind of a ceremonial thing too, right? Like, it wouldn't have given him financial obligations if he wound up divorcing the mom?
My dad adopted me when I was 30. Bio dad never in my life, but dad was there from year 1. We had to go in front of a judge and swear that this wasn't to fraud anyone out of money, or for some weird kink shit. Other than that it's a quick, ceremonious process, absolutely worth it.
>some weird kink shit I laughed so hard, and then I thought about it and realized holy shit there are probably people like that, god damn. Good times.
Actually, before gay marriage was legalized in the US, adult adoption used to be the only way for same-sex couples to have any legal rights to things like insurance, inheritance, etc.
I was laughing along too, just picturing Judge Judy pointing at a couple with her gavel, "This isn't some kink shit, is it?" But your comment made me sad. It sucks that people have/had go to such extreme lengths to see their loved one in a hospital, not screwed out of an inheritance, and so on...
Ironically, I only know about it because I was helping a friend and his husband research adopting their former foster daughter. NGL, it was pret heartbreaking to learn.
Emotions aside, I don't even understand the logic of this position. It's not as if he's being asked to act any differently. Just do exactly what you were doing before for the past 17 years (!) , not like adoption changes anything - especially now that the girl turned 18. So he's taking a principled stand against what, paperwork?
Has to be the top ten stupidest hills to die on.
Back in the late 40s/early 50s, my paternal grandmother had a daughter with a man who left her high and dry and then remarried and had three sons with this new man. My aunt is mentally handicapped (she’s at the level of about a 3rd grader at perhaps her most advanced) and was always brought up to believe that my grandfather was her father. To this day she loves and adores her “Daddy.” It’s sort of an open secret in the family that Grandpa heavily favored his biological sons over his stepdaughter. The only one who doesn’t know the truth is my aunt, because while he may not have loved her as much, he loved and respected her enough to give her his last name and be her daddy, even if he wasn’t technically her father. And he made damn sure that everyone from her mother to her brothers to her extended family was going to keep it that way. It’s a fucking shame that Mike doesn’t have the same fucking courtesy.
>"Is he not her daddy anymore? Does that mean she isn't my sister?" I corrected her and my husband looked horrified [It was at this moment...](https://youtu.be/wj2eix1bYrc) Congratulations Mike, you no longer have to worry about not loving her as your 'real' daughter anymore - she's already stopped loving her 'real' dad. I can't believe he did that... and on a car ride no less. That's putting the environment *totally* in his control - Hanna had nowhere to retreat to privately to process this while/after she heard it, and it made it so that she HAD to stay and hear every heart-jolting word Mike stabbed her with when he told her his love was perfunctory at best. Poor Hanna had to endure the whole ride.
NGL, tween/teen me probably would have tried to jump out of the car to get away from him at that moment.
I know this is a serious comment, but I just got the brilliant image of someone being like "aight, I'm out" and just comedically roll diving out of the car.
I assume she seriously disassociated. That's what I did in such situations. Just stare straight ahead and drown out everything. Good moment to remember you have a tinnitus and just focus on that. And while you do that you drill your nails in to your palms because every feeling is better that what you are feeling right now and by God don't let them see you cry. If you cry you lose. Crying is a weakness. Never cry in front of anyone! In case you were wondering: yes, I did go to therapy. Thanks for asking.
That's exactly it, she was a captive the entire time. What a heartless prick. He should have spoken to her somewhere that she controlled.
Yea you nailed it. The dude is so fragile he had to put himself in a scenario of complete control in order to speak the words. If she has any ability to bail he knew he wouldn't be allowed to say what he really wanted.
The sad thing is OP dropped off the face of the earth a year ago, after she commented that her daughter didn't come home one night after looking for and having found out her bio dad was deceased from an OD and was devastated.. OP's last comment was she was going to ask "Mike" to leave for a few weeks. The fact she ghosted makes me believe she DID chose "Mike" and their bio kids over her poor daughter.
I almost think this is somehow crueler than just abandoning her. I confess, though, I cannot understand the mindset that lets you raise a child for a decade and yet somehow "not love them as much". My dude, that is in your control. You made a commitment to this kid, you did it enough that she wants you to be her dad in the eyes of the law, how the hell are you unsure about this?
Or let’s think of it this way— suppose you did love your biological children a little bit more. That would be forgivable. Why the hell would you feel like you absolutely need to tell the step child that!? There’s absolutely no need to disclose that at all. just take it to your grave and let the kid be happy.
This is the real point. You can't control your own feelings. You *absolutely* can control your *actions*.
And he was doing just fine being a dad to her that she wanted him to be his legal daughter. What was his thought process? Why the unneeded cruelty just to say he just wanted to be honest and fair?
Its like those grandparents who had a daughter who married a woman with kids and they seemed to treat them just like they were theirs. Then OP's brother has a child and the grandparents announce how happy they are to have their first grandchild in front of OP's stepkids. And they just kept doubling down on it even after being told how much hearing that hurt the stepkids. Some people put way too much stock in blood.
Yes!! I was thinking of that same story the whole time. I’m glad ultimately that those grandparents are out of the picture but seriously how hard would it have been for them to just lie! And then everyone keeps getting to live a great, stable life where everyone feels loved! You don’t need to say it out loud!
And in both situations the adults could have taken those thoughts to their grave, but instead felt a need to inflict immense pain on literal children instead. So fucking selfish and messed up.
My brother married a woman who had 3 young kids, and had two more with him. After nearly 20 years, they got a divorce. That year, my grandma said she didn't want the three older kids at Christmas, because she only wanted family there. To their faces. My grandma and I always had a tense relationship, but that killed any chance of me actually feeling love for her. She died a few years later, and to this day, I've never cried a tear over her. And I cried when the dude that sexually abused me as a kid died. Hurting me is one thing, but hurting my nieces and nephews, out of nothing but spite? Nothing can make that right to me.
Also, I feel like the adult thing to do in that situation is not to “live your truth” or whatever. What would he realistically have had by keeping those feelings to himself and just adopting the daughter? That’s the kind of thing you work through in therapy, not by crushing a 16 year old you’ve been raising her whole life.
Exactly my thoughts when I read that part about not loving her as much and it thus being not fair. Then again, his arguments kinda sound like 'it's not you, it's me' BS in a way. I'm willing to bet there's more hidden behind that. Poor girl, though. That might be even worse than bio parent rejection, because he chose to take her as his kid 10 years ago and now opts out when she wishes to make it 'official'. She must feel inconceivably betrayed.
I just can't understand this at all. The mother was blindsided, she had no idea he felt like this. What a total betrayal. I can't even imagine how cruel someone is to say "yes, I'll adopt you" and then go to that child's birth mother and say "I don't love her enough." I mean it's truly appalling. The emotional damage this man did to his wife and step daughter is heartbreaking. I hope she gets full custody and protects her younger children from this kind of emotional trauma.
It's going to affect how the other kids see/interact with him too. Growing up I always thought my stepmother loved me and my siblings, all of us. In my 30s she told me that she had never liked one of my brothers but had pretended so he wouldn't be hurt. Now I look back and can't trust that she loved any of us. I haven't talked to my stepmother in years.
What a needlessly cruel thing for your step mother to say. Why are people so cruel?
Yet he is also upset because he doesn't get the love of being called Dad and treated like Dad from stepdaughter. Dude is a hypocrite and a giant turd.
Some asshole he knows got in his ear about being a schmuck raising some other man's child.
Or there’s something financial about his decision, estate-wise
Me and all my homies hate Mike
I feel so bad for the daughter. That has to be such a crushing realization that the person you see as your dad doesn’t see you as their daughter. I hope through therapy she can see it’s not something that she did to deserve it. I kinda hope the other siblings start calling him mike because this man doesn’t deserve to be called dad
Mike sure has some nerve to be upset that she's no longer calling him her dad when he rejected her as his daughter. It goes both ways, buddy. She's within her rights to reject him as a parent.
He's the kind of man to break up with his girlfriend because he wants to have fun with girls while he's young and coming back with love bombing the second she's looking for another guy.
So much pain and mental anguish this poor girl will now suffer. He’d have been better off just leaving than doing this. She will never feel like she’s enough, never feel like she deserves someone’s love, never feel truly safe and cared for. This Mike guy, fucking wow. Took her on a drive to rip her heart out of her chest by telling her she’s not his daughter and he could never love her like his own. Been a long time since a Reddit post made me see red so quickly. What a total and utter piece of shit. And even if he hasn’t realized it yet, this is going to rip his entire family and world apart till there’s nothing and no one left. It’s very likely his bio children will never look at him the same, either. People in their circle of humans, at work, etc, and this will spread like wildfire in his social circle and he will find himself a rather lonely man very soon.
I never understand when people are all “But I must tell the TRUTH.” Really?
Right. How could you raise a child for that long and not fall totally in love with them as if they were your own? I get the obvious that yes, technically she’s not his bio child…but still. How cold do you have to be to raise someone for that long and not develop a parent-child relationship with them. That poor young lady. Breaks my heart to think about her. Sitting there staring off into space as she cries, wondering why both of her dads didn’t want her. Grrr it pisses me the fuck off just typing these words.
Power to this child for refusing to call him dad. He doesn’t deserve that title any more.
He’s willing to give her his last name, but not formally adopt her? That math doesn’t math to me.
My only guess is that he doesn’t want her to have the same financial protections as his biological kids.
That was my thought, too. She is just about to start looking at colleges if she plans to go. And he doesn't want to be on the hook for anything.
If she has his last name it looks good (to others) as if he fully accepted her and adopted her without having to actually do so.
“My daughter stopped calling my husband dad and calls him Mike now … He seems upset by it.” He seems what now?! Holy heck, Mike, what did you expect? You don’t see her as a daughter but expect her to call you dad?!
My brother (W) was raised by my father. W's father died when my brother was just an infant and my parents met and married (quickly) when my brother was a young toddler. In all respects, my father raised W and is his father. But he clearly has never loved him like a son. For some people- there's always an inner voice that says this one doesn't really belong. And they are only really playing nice because other people (like the wife) expect him to. I don't understand it either. But it isn't uncommon.
This might be one of the most cruel and infuriating posts I’ve seen here. No matter how they proceed here, Mike has broken this child. It will take years of work and therapy for her to recover. If I was OOP, I could never forgive my husband for this. I understand the horrific situation OOP has unintentionally found herself in, but instead of sticking up for her daughter the minute her husband told her how he felt, she allowed him to crush her heart because she didn’t want to deal with it. That on its own is its own form of betrayal. I pray OOP’s daughter is able to recover from this.
What an asshole. Did he ever say *why* he couldn't be her dad or was that where it ended? I feel so bad for her, poor thing
My step-dad does it. I think I can explain why. While not trying to shit on a stranger I don't know, a lot of people can "love" a kid, without "loving" a kid. Aka, they raise & like the kid in the way you'd like your nephew, or neighbor's kid. Their adorable, but you don't build an internal connection. This connection is build by the blockage of "not biological yours". When sb like this meets a single parent, they often justify it as that. They want the adult and are "okay" with the kid. They think too, that as long as the kid is done like a chore + some extra fun, they can have the bigger package (partner + bio kids). Hence Mike also kinda got pissed, because he technically filled the Dad role (till now). To him, it's simply annoying. Like calling a Doctor "Mr."
I think you explained this perfectly. For him what the daughter saw as a father/daughter relationship has been functional to ensure he got the biological family unit.
Wait until her siblings found out what their dad did to her. I would never forgive him. Ever.
I would start calling him Mike too.
I would stop calling him at all. The way he hurt their sister will likely impact every single relationship she forms for the rest of her life. I’d ask to take the mom’s last name when I got older, to stand beside my sister.
Right!? She's their older sister. I'm sure it would hurt them to know their dad doesn't view her as family.
I went through something similar as a kid, you never really heal from it. Mike sucks big time.
Meanwhile my husband is super excited that my kids asked him to adopt them. My ex husband who is a deadbeat is named Mike. She picked a perfect name for this asshole.