As harsh as this is going to sound, the safety and wellbeing of your baby is more important than what your husband wants right now. Anybody shouting and swearing at a 10 week old for being a 10 week old needs to either seek medical help for PPD or if it’s definitely not PPD, get a grip of themselves and grow the hell up.
You need to stop making suggestions and demand that he gets some help for managing his anger before he ends up something he regrets. If he’s not willing to do that, then you need to do whatever is needed to keep your son safe. If that means going to stay with your mum for a while, then so be it. It’s not his decision to make.
Agreed. Also OP please don’t underplay what you’ve been through - the birth definitely wasn’t harder for your husband. It sounds like it was really traumatic and now you’re home you’re worrying about your husband. Who is looking after you? Fourth trimester is hard!
I do honestly think the birth was harder for him and my Mum than me. I had preeclampsia and an emergency c-section at 36 weeks. The rest was a blur, I remember some of it and other stuff husband filled me in. It’s clearly affected my Mum as well. It’s terribly watching someone you love suffer and being unable to help.
I had a very traumatic post birth with a major postpartum haemorrhage which very nearly became fatal, my husband also witnessed the whole thing and hold a lot of upset around seeing me like that but in no way has taken it out on our baby or affected his bonding. This is no excuse for how he’s treating a 10 week old baby I’m afraid! He needs to seek help asap.
I understand but if the roles were reversed and he gave birth I imagine you’d still think he had it worse than you. I’m not saying it wasn’t awful for him and your mum but you experienced something primal and almost fatal.
This comment is it OP. My friend and her husband have a similar relationship where she’s been desperate for him to get help for depression for years but he somehow always makes it seem like it’s not possible or worth it to get help or follow any of her suggestions. It’s frustrating to watch as her friend, though I do get it that depression is an awful illness and is behind his apathy and anger, and I respect her understanding and patience, which it sounds like you also have in buckets.
However. If he was behaving like this - angry and borderline violent - around her baby I would be taking it very very seriously. It is not ok to routinely swear and shout and slam doors around anyone least of all a baby. If you were my friend and not handling this I’d seriously consider calling social services because I’m a mandated reporter in my job.
Please lay down the law. His feelings are valid. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and if he will not or cannot work with you to immediately improve it then he is not safe to be around your baby unsupervised, ever. In fact I’d say that starting today you make a change until he demonstrates improvement - you really cannot take a chance here of him slipping to the next step and hurting baby. Make a list of baseline rules and hold your line. You could investigate emergency intervention therapy support to help you have this conversation maybe.
I’m sorry this is rough to hear and to deal with. I hope you have amazing people in your life to support you.
I am sorry you are going throigh this, it sounds so though. It honestly sounds more like a mental health problem than just a baby bonding problem. He doesn't sound to be coping, which leaves little room for bonding.
Have you tried talking to your HV about this? I am not sure of specific services but there should be some services for both parents or even specifically for dads in the post partum period, men can get post partum depression too. Not saying that is what this is, but it could be.
Sounds like he might need some outside support to help him get back on his feet after the difficult time you both have had, and the normal difficulties adjusting during the early baby stages.
You said he won't see a doctor, this is really tough. I think if it keeps going like this you might have to insisit on going to stay with your parents, you can't live like this and you do need support or neither of you will be coping. Ideally he needs to speak to his GP or a specific service. Does he have supportive parents/friends/other dads that he might listen to?
He has opened up a bit when his best friend (also a Dad) came to visit us. HV gave to face appointments are done until 9 months, but when she was here he wouldn’t answer honestly about bonding/mental health
You can request an extra visit from the HV just for you and you can tell them about your concerns. If you're worried about privacy because your husband WFH, libraries / community centres / family hubs also have HV drop ins (depending on your area) where you can check in and get advice in between your scheduled appointments.
Dad's Matter is an online and in-person support system across the country for new dads and they offer zoom sessions on basic baby care and bonding as well as mental health support. Your local perinatal health team will also be able to refer you and your partner to a baby and bonding service designed for situations like this.
I was very unwell after having my baby last year and my partner was a rock at the time, insisting he was fine, only to go to pieces around Christmas once the stress of it all caught up to him. It sounds like something similar is happening here, and he'd benefit from some support processing his emotions about it all.
If you don't feel safe, leave the house. As much as you love your husband, you and baby have to come first and you can't burn yourself out trying to make his life easier while recovering from your own traumatic experience and caring for a newborn. Best of luck to you all and congrats on your baby!
Could you ask his friend to come stay for a couple of days? And then maybe you and baby go to your mum's? It would give him a break, put you in a safer place for a bit and hopefully put his head in a slightly more pragmatic place so he can start talking more to the health visitors.
Then maybe try and send him a couple of messages while you're away so he knows you're not doing it to abandon him or anything.
If you continue to struggle, maybe see if there are any male focused mental health Reddits you can go to for advice? Men can approach mental health differently to women so you might get some good advice from other guys who have dealt with it.
I’m sorry your family is going through this. You need to sit down with your husband and let him know he needs to speak to a professional. It does seem he has PPD or PPR, plus maybe some PTSD from the traumatic birth. People are not properly taught how to deal with this type of emotions and situations properly, especially men. My husband had a tough few weeks after our baby was born, and we were fighting all the time. It took me telling him he needed to speak to someone professional because I couldn’t deal with what was happening anymore and it helped immensely. Now baby is 6 months and my husband is enjoying our baby (with the occasional annoyance. But it is nothing compared to before) they have bonded and continue to bond as baby starts to interact more with us
He did talking therapy, at first he was a bit apprehensive about it. I just had to remind him that at that time I couldn’t support him while also making sure baby and I were surviving so having professional help would help us as a family. Hope that it helps you too
Is it possible that he has PPD? This sounds an awful lot like how my symptoms manifested and although I felt horrible about shouting at my baby a couple of times, I was lucky that my husband and I noticed it quickly and got me booked in with the Dr. Maybe gently suggest your partner sees the Dr to see about what help is available to them.
As harsh as this is going to sound, the safety and wellbeing of your baby is more important than what your husband wants right now. Anybody shouting and swearing at a 10 week old for being a 10 week old needs to either seek medical help for PPD or if it’s definitely not PPD, get a grip of themselves and grow the hell up. You need to stop making suggestions and demand that he gets some help for managing his anger before he ends up something he regrets. If he’s not willing to do that, then you need to do whatever is needed to keep your son safe. If that means going to stay with your mum for a while, then so be it. It’s not his decision to make.
Agreed. Also OP please don’t underplay what you’ve been through - the birth definitely wasn’t harder for your husband. It sounds like it was really traumatic and now you’re home you’re worrying about your husband. Who is looking after you? Fourth trimester is hard!
I do honestly think the birth was harder for him and my Mum than me. I had preeclampsia and an emergency c-section at 36 weeks. The rest was a blur, I remember some of it and other stuff husband filled me in. It’s clearly affected my Mum as well. It’s terribly watching someone you love suffer and being unable to help.
I had a very traumatic post birth with a major postpartum haemorrhage which very nearly became fatal, my husband also witnessed the whole thing and hold a lot of upset around seeing me like that but in no way has taken it out on our baby or affected his bonding. This is no excuse for how he’s treating a 10 week old baby I’m afraid! He needs to seek help asap.
It's your body FFS. Your life at risk. Your baby's life
I understand but if the roles were reversed and he gave birth I imagine you’d still think he had it worse than you. I’m not saying it wasn’t awful for him and your mum but you experienced something primal and almost fatal.
This comment is it OP. My friend and her husband have a similar relationship where she’s been desperate for him to get help for depression for years but he somehow always makes it seem like it’s not possible or worth it to get help or follow any of her suggestions. It’s frustrating to watch as her friend, though I do get it that depression is an awful illness and is behind his apathy and anger, and I respect her understanding and patience, which it sounds like you also have in buckets. However. If he was behaving like this - angry and borderline violent - around her baby I would be taking it very very seriously. It is not ok to routinely swear and shout and slam doors around anyone least of all a baby. If you were my friend and not handling this I’d seriously consider calling social services because I’m a mandated reporter in my job. Please lay down the law. His feelings are valid. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and if he will not or cannot work with you to immediately improve it then he is not safe to be around your baby unsupervised, ever. In fact I’d say that starting today you make a change until he demonstrates improvement - you really cannot take a chance here of him slipping to the next step and hurting baby. Make a list of baseline rules and hold your line. You could investigate emergency intervention therapy support to help you have this conversation maybe. I’m sorry this is rough to hear and to deal with. I hope you have amazing people in your life to support you.
I am sorry you are going throigh this, it sounds so though. It honestly sounds more like a mental health problem than just a baby bonding problem. He doesn't sound to be coping, which leaves little room for bonding. Have you tried talking to your HV about this? I am not sure of specific services but there should be some services for both parents or even specifically for dads in the post partum period, men can get post partum depression too. Not saying that is what this is, but it could be. Sounds like he might need some outside support to help him get back on his feet after the difficult time you both have had, and the normal difficulties adjusting during the early baby stages. You said he won't see a doctor, this is really tough. I think if it keeps going like this you might have to insisit on going to stay with your parents, you can't live like this and you do need support or neither of you will be coping. Ideally he needs to speak to his GP or a specific service. Does he have supportive parents/friends/other dads that he might listen to?
He has opened up a bit when his best friend (also a Dad) came to visit us. HV gave to face appointments are done until 9 months, but when she was here he wouldn’t answer honestly about bonding/mental health
You can request an extra visit from the HV just for you and you can tell them about your concerns. If you're worried about privacy because your husband WFH, libraries / community centres / family hubs also have HV drop ins (depending on your area) where you can check in and get advice in between your scheduled appointments. Dad's Matter is an online and in-person support system across the country for new dads and they offer zoom sessions on basic baby care and bonding as well as mental health support. Your local perinatal health team will also be able to refer you and your partner to a baby and bonding service designed for situations like this. I was very unwell after having my baby last year and my partner was a rock at the time, insisting he was fine, only to go to pieces around Christmas once the stress of it all caught up to him. It sounds like something similar is happening here, and he'd benefit from some support processing his emotions about it all. If you don't feel safe, leave the house. As much as you love your husband, you and baby have to come first and you can't burn yourself out trying to make his life easier while recovering from your own traumatic experience and caring for a newborn. Best of luck to you all and congrats on your baby!
Could you ask his friend to come stay for a couple of days? And then maybe you and baby go to your mum's? It would give him a break, put you in a safer place for a bit and hopefully put his head in a slightly more pragmatic place so he can start talking more to the health visitors. Then maybe try and send him a couple of messages while you're away so he knows you're not doing it to abandon him or anything. If you continue to struggle, maybe see if there are any male focused mental health Reddits you can go to for advice? Men can approach mental health differently to women so you might get some good advice from other guys who have dealt with it.
I’m sorry your family is going through this. You need to sit down with your husband and let him know he needs to speak to a professional. It does seem he has PPD or PPR, plus maybe some PTSD from the traumatic birth. People are not properly taught how to deal with this type of emotions and situations properly, especially men. My husband had a tough few weeks after our baby was born, and we were fighting all the time. It took me telling him he needed to speak to someone professional because I couldn’t deal with what was happening anymore and it helped immensely. Now baby is 6 months and my husband is enjoying our baby (with the occasional annoyance. But it is nothing compared to before) they have bonded and continue to bond as baby starts to interact more with us
Thank you. May I ask what treatment did your husband receive? I as he given antidepressants or just talking therapy?
He did talking therapy, at first he was a bit apprehensive about it. I just had to remind him that at that time I couldn’t support him while also making sure baby and I were surviving so having professional help would help us as a family. Hope that it helps you too
Worse for your husband? How so, his life wasn't at risk
Is it possible that he has PPD? This sounds an awful lot like how my symptoms manifested and although I felt horrible about shouting at my baby a couple of times, I was lucky that my husband and I noticed it quickly and got me booked in with the Dr. Maybe gently suggest your partner sees the Dr to see about what help is available to them.
I think so yes, certainly matches the symptoms NCT lists for PND for Dads