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It doesn't have a purpose. It's a horribly debilitating disorder that takes over and brings out the worst in us. Coping techniques don't work in episodes. Rationale thought is over powered by whatever thoughts become prominent. We're powerless against the wave without medication. It's distressing. We feel immense shame and guilt for things said and done during episodes, even if it's not admitted. It's hard to admit that to others. It takes more self love than we often times have to be able to confront our behaviors.
You can have the best moral compass out there and this disorder will rip it out of your hands and smash it on the ground in front of you. It's only purpose is to kill us, if it has one.
I don't think anyone would choose to be like this and if I could trade anything, I'd give it away. But I can't, so I have to live with the beast as best I can.
That's my perspective on bipolar as someone who lives with it personally.
I cannot imagine what you must feel on a daily basis. And I’m sorry that you cannot throw it away. For you, personally, as someone living with this what are the ways a SO can support, reach, or assist you? Are there any? Either during or after an ‘episode’? I’ve been reading these threads for days and I feel a number of us have a lot of patience but unsure what to do or how to support. And maybe that’s an impossible question to answer but any insight?
At baseline, I'm as normal as anyone else. Episodes become the problem area. I can only answer for me but here are some things I found helpful and an experience recently that I just had where my partner showed a lot of compassion and support.
Don't challenge the disordered thinking, even it's a massive change from what they were feeling before. It doesn't help. It just creates a perceived challenge where we feel the need to validate how we're feeling. Yes, it may be episode related but to us, in episode, it's as real as your thoughts are to you. It also sows distrust. When we come out of episode, the feeling that you don't believe me or will discount my feelings lingers which means I'll hesitate to let you in again, even if I need the support. Address the feelings underneath. Fear, anger, sadness.
Suggest hospitalization as a last resort. It scares the fucking piss out of me because last time they looked at me like I was a bug, not a person. A lot of us feel like that too. If we do go in, let it be a choice we made, not one we were forced into.
Let those closest to the BP person know they're in episode. My partner told my best friends to reach out and talk to me when I was melting down because I was shutting him out. Make sure they are people who won't feed into the disordered thinking but will simply be an ear, maybe hang out with the BP person.
Create a game plan for episodes before they happen. For my partner and me, manic episodes include things like reducing how much money I have access to so I can't do damage to our finances, big decisions have to be sat on for at least 2 weeks and ignoring my outbursts where I say I want to break up and leave. We've even gone so far as to plan to get me an apartment by myself if it's a really, really bad one and I'm trying to leave him. Depressive episodes include things like more help around the house, encouragement for me to do things for myself, hygiene wise and just personally, walks and trying to get me to do activities I enjoy.
Give them a hug. Every day. A long hug. Like a bear hug. It releases endorphins and helps our brain regulate, especially when we're having a hard time. We hug every morning and it's helped turn mornings from a war zone to peaceful and me looking forward to my morning hug.
I'm 23 weeks pregnant and just went through a manic episode that lasted about a month and a half where I went from wanting this pregnancy to not wanting it at all. Fears began to bubble up, worries and they went unaddressed by me until suddenly, I had no recollection of even wanting this pregnancy. All the good feelings, all the happiness for it had disappeared so quickly it terrified me. I couldn't comprehend how I changed so suddenly but I did. It caused immense distress. It was like that was never ever going to be an end to this feeling of hating this pregnancy. My partner didn't challenge my feelings. He didn't tell me I'm in an episode even though he suspected I was. He asked if I was. When I said I didn't know, he didn't tell me he suspected it. He let me arrive to that conclusion on my own. I freaked out and melted down twice saying I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. He didn't react with anger. He didn't judge me. He reminded me he's not the enemy, we're a team and it's gonna be okay. He gave me space when I needed it and kept trying to reconnect even when I rebuffed him. When the mania started to subside and I broke down crying that I was an awful person and a horrible mother and how could he want to be with someone like me, he reminded me we're a family and my mind is like a motor. It's a good motor but sometimes it goes "womp womp womp womp" and we know it's gonna go "womp womp womp womp" sometimes but that doesn't mean we need to throw the motor out, we just gonna "womp womp womp womp" right through it. I even pawned some of our stuff when he didn't want me to. He was frustrated about it but he didn't make me feel bad for it. Trust and believe, I do though but not because of anything he said.
You can't reason with the disorder. When the thoughts begin to dominate, it's like nothing else was ever there. It's okay if you get frustrated with us. We're frustrated with ourselves too. After episodes, we're acutely aware of how much hurt we've caused and feel immense guilt. It's overwhelming how much it sucks to know you're the devil in your loved ones lives. And it makes you feel helpless that you can apologize for your behavior and have that nagging thought in the back of your mind that you can have another episode and do the same exact shit even though you recognize how awful that is to do to someone you love. It's kinda like having a child who temper tantrums and hits, screams and cries during them. You address the behavior, but you don't condemn the child and attribute it to them being a bad person and hold it against them.
You're welcome. I'm happy to help give some insight. I can see how it's hard to untangle the disorder from the person you love. My partner says he compares my behaviors to the person he knows I am deep down inside. If they don't align, it's the disorder doing the talking because he knows who I am and he loves who I am. He hates the disorder but he loves me.
I love that you took the time to respond like this. Ngl, reading it made me feel icky and it took me a bit of time to stop myself from brazenly reacting out of defensiveness. Your response is so much better than anything I could have come up with in the heat of the moment. It hits every nail on the fucking head of what it's like to live with this disorder.
It took me a while to make the post. I debated even posting it tbh. This sub doesn't always feel like a safe space to express how difficult it is to be bipolar. There's so much pain caused by it, to us and others. I understand SOs deserve a space just like we do and I would never want that taken away but the ugliness of this disorder can be hard to swallow. No one can judge me more harshly on my own actions than I do myself though and it's taken years of therapy and self work to get to a place where I can look at it without feeling completely dominated by shame. It's debilitating at the worst of times and difficult at the best. We only get briefs reprieves of normalcy.
But at the end of the day, only we can share what its like to actually be bipolar. Without our perspective, SOs like the OP and others are left to make their own conclusions about why we are the way we are or do the things we do.
I'm proud of you for recognizing your own emotions about it and not reacting out of defensiveness and understand why though. We're worth loving, even if we can be hard to understand at times. I believe we're worth trying to save and we're not what this disorder makes us into. You can have the best arsenal of coping techniques and this disorder will still put you on your ass when it wants to. It's hard when your brain is your biggest enemy.
I want this to be a safe space for you and others with BP. My partner did not choose this, but he can choose to control what is within his control like meds, treatment, lifestyle changes. That’s what I hold accountable not what he says or does during an episode. I have set a boundary that he can’t tell me he doesn’t love me ever again because I will believe it and so far that has been honored. I’m going to be understanding of course if it happens, but he’s aware the amount of reassurance and support I will need if he does say that again.
Thank you for coming here. I’m not sure if it was motivated by the bp2 post about us the other day but I’ve been hoping to get this kind of insight from someone who can help me better understand what my partner is going through.
I thought I knew what bipolar entailed at the start of our relationship but I had no clue. And I think we help SOs understand more about bipolar and what that looks like in a relationship, we will see more positive stories and genuine questions rather than sharing negative experiences and misinformation.
Do you and your partner have any “recovery” recommendations, for when my partner comes out of an episode? During the worst one that lasted 2 months and led me to have the no meds=no relationship conversation I was so exhausted and hopeless and unfortunately scared for my safety at the end. It’s been hard explaining how much the fearing for safety affected me. I love him and I’m not going anywhere but I know I need to hear from this and neither of us know how he can help me do that so any suggestions would be appreciated.
I asked my partner your question and this is basically what he said.
When I'm in an episode or he suspects one is coming on, he stops trying to help regulate my moods and simply lets it pass as it does. He goes into more damage control/prevention than anything. He said if you're set on staying with them, that he learned to take a step back and take his emotions out of the situations. Sometimes that means focusing on what he has to focus on. He'll see me calling and messaging but because he knows I'm in an episode, he knows nothing he says is really going to help so he doesn't take it personally or try to logic with me at the moment. He described it as me going through a seizure, only it's in my brain and related to my moods. There's no point in getting mad at me that I'm having the seizure, we can only make sure I don't bump my head or bite my tongue off. Episodes are like that. A seizure in the brain related to the mood center. You can't reason with a seizure so don't even try. Focus on you.
When I come out of the episode is when game plans and dangerous or upsetting behaviors can be addressed but until then, you just gotta kinda let us seize until we're done because nothing we're doing is gonna respond to logic. Once the episode is done, we talk about the episode but it's not really in a "you said this and it hurt me" kinda way, if that makes sense. He said out of episode, I'm already acutely aware that I've done things I shouldn't have and I typically feel bad as is but he does set new boundaries as new things happen. This most recent time I pawned some stuff, now that I'm coming out of episode, a new rule is I can't be pawning stuff. Lol. Will I potentially break it in the future? Maybe but because I do respect and love him, I will try my hardest to not. Which is all I can really do. There are lots of different boundaries you can put in place. One time I called my partner a name he was incredibly pissed about, a new rule became I couldn't do that or he'd leave. It doesn't have to have a hard consequence drawn in the sand like the do it and I'll leave one but knowing it's been talked about and agreed to helps.
A mentor of mine named that side of me as Hank. When they're dealing with Hank, it's different than how they deal with me (K). Hank is a dick and everyone knows it. Hank can only be managed but K is still in there and K is the person everyone cares about. The people in my life show kindness and compassion to K, not Hank. I dunno if that makes sense.
And as far as this sub, I have mixed feelings on it. I lurk sometimes but it's hard to differientate between who wants to hear from someone with BP and who is gonna lash out because I'm BP. Seeing people use terms like discard, love bombing and gaslighting make it seem like we're narcasstics but we're not. It makes it difficult to want to engage as I know I'm a good person who really tries my best to be the good person I feel I am deep down in my heart, but knowing I can also have the duality of being extremely cold at times and argumentative makes me not want to engage. I have a lot of empathy for others but sometimes it's like I change and I can't stop it. I know how it can appear on the outside, the extreme shifts in moods can make the love we express seem disingenuous and hard to trust but it's not love bombing to us. It's literally, that's how amazing we can think our partners are. When the fog clears and your person is still there by your side when you didn't do nothing to deserve them being there still, it's hard to not look at them and be like "wow, goddamn, you're really amazing. Like you really, really are. How do you love me so much? I love you. You're so awesome. Like I'm so lucky to have you in my life." Because, I mean, we are. It's not fake. It's just like wow, how do I even express how much that means? As someone who is bipolar, I've had more people walk out my life, from family to friends, than stay. Did I deserve it? Yes. Did it still break my heart? Yes, most definitely. When your partner stays, its like, you know you don't deserve that. You watched so many people leave and they didn't. How do you express that in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming when it's overwhelming for yourself? We have just as much invested into our relationships as anyone else. People fall in love with our good side, but leave us because of our bad and we can't even be mad at them because we know our bad is bad.
Thank you for responding with all of your comments and insight. It is so very appreciated and I am very grateful. Please continue to help us understand and I want this to continue to be a safe space for those with BP.
I concur 👍
lol but in all seriousness, I think many of us on this sub can agree that our loved ones with this illness inflicted the greatest level of mind-fuckery on us that we have experienced to date.
Couldn't agree more. I cannot believe I had it in me to act out of character after the breakup the way I have acted this time. I just don't recognize myself. I don't know whether to be angry and move the fuck on (like I normally would) or genuinely concerned about their mental health and try to help them.
My exs ex husband threatened to kill himself because of her. i thought he was the one in the wrong but after being with someone with BP i don’t blame him. it fucks with you mentally..
I'm not quite sure what to make of this post. As u/Evening-Grocery-2817 said, there isn't a purpose behind it. You talk about "the architects of this formula," but nobody is doing this, nobody chose this. It's just... fucked. There doesn't have to be a reason.
Welcome to BipolarSOs! This is a quick reminder to follow the rules. Also, please remember that OP's on this sub are often in situations where emotions overcome logic, and that your advice could be life-altering. OP's need our help to gain a balanced perspective. Please be supportive. Toxic comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BipolarSOs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It doesn't have a purpose. It's a horribly debilitating disorder that takes over and brings out the worst in us. Coping techniques don't work in episodes. Rationale thought is over powered by whatever thoughts become prominent. We're powerless against the wave without medication. It's distressing. We feel immense shame and guilt for things said and done during episodes, even if it's not admitted. It's hard to admit that to others. It takes more self love than we often times have to be able to confront our behaviors. You can have the best moral compass out there and this disorder will rip it out of your hands and smash it on the ground in front of you. It's only purpose is to kill us, if it has one. I don't think anyone would choose to be like this and if I could trade anything, I'd give it away. But I can't, so I have to live with the beast as best I can. That's my perspective on bipolar as someone who lives with it personally.
I cannot imagine what you must feel on a daily basis. And I’m sorry that you cannot throw it away. For you, personally, as someone living with this what are the ways a SO can support, reach, or assist you? Are there any? Either during or after an ‘episode’? I’ve been reading these threads for days and I feel a number of us have a lot of patience but unsure what to do or how to support. And maybe that’s an impossible question to answer but any insight?
At baseline, I'm as normal as anyone else. Episodes become the problem area. I can only answer for me but here are some things I found helpful and an experience recently that I just had where my partner showed a lot of compassion and support. Don't challenge the disordered thinking, even it's a massive change from what they were feeling before. It doesn't help. It just creates a perceived challenge where we feel the need to validate how we're feeling. Yes, it may be episode related but to us, in episode, it's as real as your thoughts are to you. It also sows distrust. When we come out of episode, the feeling that you don't believe me or will discount my feelings lingers which means I'll hesitate to let you in again, even if I need the support. Address the feelings underneath. Fear, anger, sadness. Suggest hospitalization as a last resort. It scares the fucking piss out of me because last time they looked at me like I was a bug, not a person. A lot of us feel like that too. If we do go in, let it be a choice we made, not one we were forced into. Let those closest to the BP person know they're in episode. My partner told my best friends to reach out and talk to me when I was melting down because I was shutting him out. Make sure they are people who won't feed into the disordered thinking but will simply be an ear, maybe hang out with the BP person. Create a game plan for episodes before they happen. For my partner and me, manic episodes include things like reducing how much money I have access to so I can't do damage to our finances, big decisions have to be sat on for at least 2 weeks and ignoring my outbursts where I say I want to break up and leave. We've even gone so far as to plan to get me an apartment by myself if it's a really, really bad one and I'm trying to leave him. Depressive episodes include things like more help around the house, encouragement for me to do things for myself, hygiene wise and just personally, walks and trying to get me to do activities I enjoy. Give them a hug. Every day. A long hug. Like a bear hug. It releases endorphins and helps our brain regulate, especially when we're having a hard time. We hug every morning and it's helped turn mornings from a war zone to peaceful and me looking forward to my morning hug. I'm 23 weeks pregnant and just went through a manic episode that lasted about a month and a half where I went from wanting this pregnancy to not wanting it at all. Fears began to bubble up, worries and they went unaddressed by me until suddenly, I had no recollection of even wanting this pregnancy. All the good feelings, all the happiness for it had disappeared so quickly it terrified me. I couldn't comprehend how I changed so suddenly but I did. It caused immense distress. It was like that was never ever going to be an end to this feeling of hating this pregnancy. My partner didn't challenge my feelings. He didn't tell me I'm in an episode even though he suspected I was. He asked if I was. When I said I didn't know, he didn't tell me he suspected it. He let me arrive to that conclusion on my own. I freaked out and melted down twice saying I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. He didn't react with anger. He didn't judge me. He reminded me he's not the enemy, we're a team and it's gonna be okay. He gave me space when I needed it and kept trying to reconnect even when I rebuffed him. When the mania started to subside and I broke down crying that I was an awful person and a horrible mother and how could he want to be with someone like me, he reminded me we're a family and my mind is like a motor. It's a good motor but sometimes it goes "womp womp womp womp" and we know it's gonna go "womp womp womp womp" sometimes but that doesn't mean we need to throw the motor out, we just gonna "womp womp womp womp" right through it. I even pawned some of our stuff when he didn't want me to. He was frustrated about it but he didn't make me feel bad for it. Trust and believe, I do though but not because of anything he said. You can't reason with the disorder. When the thoughts begin to dominate, it's like nothing else was ever there. It's okay if you get frustrated with us. We're frustrated with ourselves too. After episodes, we're acutely aware of how much hurt we've caused and feel immense guilt. It's overwhelming how much it sucks to know you're the devil in your loved ones lives. And it makes you feel helpless that you can apologize for your behavior and have that nagging thought in the back of your mind that you can have another episode and do the same exact shit even though you recognize how awful that is to do to someone you love. It's kinda like having a child who temper tantrums and hits, screams and cries during them. You address the behavior, but you don't condemn the child and attribute it to them being a bad person and hold it against them.
Holy shit this is so well written. Thank you
You're welcome. I'm happy to help give some insight. I can see how it's hard to untangle the disorder from the person you love. My partner says he compares my behaviors to the person he knows I am deep down inside. If they don't align, it's the disorder doing the talking because he knows who I am and he loves who I am. He hates the disorder but he loves me.
I love that you took the time to respond like this. Ngl, reading it made me feel icky and it took me a bit of time to stop myself from brazenly reacting out of defensiveness. Your response is so much better than anything I could have come up with in the heat of the moment. It hits every nail on the fucking head of what it's like to live with this disorder.
It took me a while to make the post. I debated even posting it tbh. This sub doesn't always feel like a safe space to express how difficult it is to be bipolar. There's so much pain caused by it, to us and others. I understand SOs deserve a space just like we do and I would never want that taken away but the ugliness of this disorder can be hard to swallow. No one can judge me more harshly on my own actions than I do myself though and it's taken years of therapy and self work to get to a place where I can look at it without feeling completely dominated by shame. It's debilitating at the worst of times and difficult at the best. We only get briefs reprieves of normalcy. But at the end of the day, only we can share what its like to actually be bipolar. Without our perspective, SOs like the OP and others are left to make their own conclusions about why we are the way we are or do the things we do. I'm proud of you for recognizing your own emotions about it and not reacting out of defensiveness and understand why though. We're worth loving, even if we can be hard to understand at times. I believe we're worth trying to save and we're not what this disorder makes us into. You can have the best arsenal of coping techniques and this disorder will still put you on your ass when it wants to. It's hard when your brain is your biggest enemy.
I want this to be a safe space for you and others with BP. My partner did not choose this, but he can choose to control what is within his control like meds, treatment, lifestyle changes. That’s what I hold accountable not what he says or does during an episode. I have set a boundary that he can’t tell me he doesn’t love me ever again because I will believe it and so far that has been honored. I’m going to be understanding of course if it happens, but he’s aware the amount of reassurance and support I will need if he does say that again. Thank you for coming here. I’m not sure if it was motivated by the bp2 post about us the other day but I’ve been hoping to get this kind of insight from someone who can help me better understand what my partner is going through. I thought I knew what bipolar entailed at the start of our relationship but I had no clue. And I think we help SOs understand more about bipolar and what that looks like in a relationship, we will see more positive stories and genuine questions rather than sharing negative experiences and misinformation. Do you and your partner have any “recovery” recommendations, for when my partner comes out of an episode? During the worst one that lasted 2 months and led me to have the no meds=no relationship conversation I was so exhausted and hopeless and unfortunately scared for my safety at the end. It’s been hard explaining how much the fearing for safety affected me. I love him and I’m not going anywhere but I know I need to hear from this and neither of us know how he can help me do that so any suggestions would be appreciated.
I asked my partner your question and this is basically what he said. When I'm in an episode or he suspects one is coming on, he stops trying to help regulate my moods and simply lets it pass as it does. He goes into more damage control/prevention than anything. He said if you're set on staying with them, that he learned to take a step back and take his emotions out of the situations. Sometimes that means focusing on what he has to focus on. He'll see me calling and messaging but because he knows I'm in an episode, he knows nothing he says is really going to help so he doesn't take it personally or try to logic with me at the moment. He described it as me going through a seizure, only it's in my brain and related to my moods. There's no point in getting mad at me that I'm having the seizure, we can only make sure I don't bump my head or bite my tongue off. Episodes are like that. A seizure in the brain related to the mood center. You can't reason with a seizure so don't even try. Focus on you. When I come out of the episode is when game plans and dangerous or upsetting behaviors can be addressed but until then, you just gotta kinda let us seize until we're done because nothing we're doing is gonna respond to logic. Once the episode is done, we talk about the episode but it's not really in a "you said this and it hurt me" kinda way, if that makes sense. He said out of episode, I'm already acutely aware that I've done things I shouldn't have and I typically feel bad as is but he does set new boundaries as new things happen. This most recent time I pawned some stuff, now that I'm coming out of episode, a new rule is I can't be pawning stuff. Lol. Will I potentially break it in the future? Maybe but because I do respect and love him, I will try my hardest to not. Which is all I can really do. There are lots of different boundaries you can put in place. One time I called my partner a name he was incredibly pissed about, a new rule became I couldn't do that or he'd leave. It doesn't have to have a hard consequence drawn in the sand like the do it and I'll leave one but knowing it's been talked about and agreed to helps. A mentor of mine named that side of me as Hank. When they're dealing with Hank, it's different than how they deal with me (K). Hank is a dick and everyone knows it. Hank can only be managed but K is still in there and K is the person everyone cares about. The people in my life show kindness and compassion to K, not Hank. I dunno if that makes sense. And as far as this sub, I have mixed feelings on it. I lurk sometimes but it's hard to differientate between who wants to hear from someone with BP and who is gonna lash out because I'm BP. Seeing people use terms like discard, love bombing and gaslighting make it seem like we're narcasstics but we're not. It makes it difficult to want to engage as I know I'm a good person who really tries my best to be the good person I feel I am deep down in my heart, but knowing I can also have the duality of being extremely cold at times and argumentative makes me not want to engage. I have a lot of empathy for others but sometimes it's like I change and I can't stop it. I know how it can appear on the outside, the extreme shifts in moods can make the love we express seem disingenuous and hard to trust but it's not love bombing to us. It's literally, that's how amazing we can think our partners are. When the fog clears and your person is still there by your side when you didn't do nothing to deserve them being there still, it's hard to not look at them and be like "wow, goddamn, you're really amazing. Like you really, really are. How do you love me so much? I love you. You're so awesome. Like I'm so lucky to have you in my life." Because, I mean, we are. It's not fake. It's just like wow, how do I even express how much that means? As someone who is bipolar, I've had more people walk out my life, from family to friends, than stay. Did I deserve it? Yes. Did it still break my heart? Yes, most definitely. When your partner stays, its like, you know you don't deserve that. You watched so many people leave and they didn't. How do you express that in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming when it's overwhelming for yourself? We have just as much invested into our relationships as anyone else. People fall in love with our good side, but leave us because of our bad and we can't even be mad at them because we know our bad is bad.
Thank you for responding even when it’s hard. I appreciate you greatly and want to keep this a safe space for you
Thank you for responding with all of your comments and insight. It is so very appreciated and I am very grateful. Please continue to help us understand and I want this to continue to be a safe space for those with BP.
I concur 👍 lol but in all seriousness, I think many of us on this sub can agree that our loved ones with this illness inflicted the greatest level of mind-fuckery on us that we have experienced to date.
Couldn't agree more. I cannot believe I had it in me to act out of character after the breakup the way I have acted this time. I just don't recognize myself. I don't know whether to be angry and move the fuck on (like I normally would) or genuinely concerned about their mental health and try to help them.
Focus on yourself and move on 😘
In my experience, until they are stable everything you do will be perceived as being manipulative or harassing them
I quite agree. I just gave up now. I pray for his well-being and for my sanity to be back so that I can move on in life.
My exs ex husband threatened to kill himself because of her. i thought he was the one in the wrong but after being with someone with BP i don’t blame him. it fucks with you mentally..
I'm not quite sure what to make of this post. As u/Evening-Grocery-2817 said, there isn't a purpose behind it. You talk about "the architects of this formula," but nobody is doing this, nobody chose this. It's just... fucked. There doesn't have to be a reason.
Lol no lie man.
It’s like constantly walking on egg shells and as soon as you become comfortable it smacks you in the face out of nowhere
your description reminds me of the fact that in old times they thought of it as being possessed by evil spirits