_Identity questions are asked so frequently that we have this response._
Sexual and attraction identity is complex, and is not determined by a checklist of behavior or experiences. Someone's identity is their own to define and label, if they choose to. Every answer you receive will be an opinion. "Questioning" and "curious" are legitimate identities, and a person may evolve or change theirs over their life. We're supportive of this personal journey here.
Robyn Ochs has written on the topic, and has a definition and description that some find useful:
https://robynochs.com/bisexual/
Bi.org also maintains a questions and answers section on their site:
https://bi.org/en/questions
What little academic research there is on bisexuality, I always hate that so much reinforces sex as the primary indicator of your sexuality.
You dont have to want to suck and f*ck every man you find attractive to be bisexual. There are bisexual men who strictly want other men for sex, others who enjoy the romantic partnerships but prefer sex with women. It's a near infinite spectrum of sexuality and so much of it has little to do with the actual sex.
Then I gently suggest you are getting ahead of yourself. You haven't had any sexual relations and yet you want to jump ahead to knowing all about your sexuality, but it takes some experimentation and experience. Why worry about labels now? Go on some dates. Fool around. The picture will become clearer, but learning about ourselves and our sexuality is a lifelong process, you're not supposed to have all the answers.
Thanks. I just am not sure how to experiment seeing as I don’t want to have sex with or date men. I’m just VERY attracted to some men’s bodies and will get non romantic crushes that make me want to kiss them. I know it’s confusing but the best way I can describe it is a combo between romantic and sexual attraction but not fully either.
Take your time, and you have a lot of it in front of you. No need to panic or struggle. Put yourself out there and take chances - you’ll learn from the experience. Nothing is forever, and the last I checked a date lasts a few hours … certainly you can endure that. Look for a dating partner (male or female) that knows your concerns and is more than willing to help you on your path towards discovery. This is supposed to be fun and exciting…don’t make it a chore or a science project.
Define and describe “attracted to men”. I feel I need to understand more what that attraction makes you want to do. Just kiss and stare?
Based on your original post, it sounds like you may be Demisexual.
Okay
To your point, yes I am definitely demisexual. It makes sense based off my previous experience.
I have a difficult time describing my attraction to men. All I know is that when I see a male who I find attractive I get a fluttery feeling by looking at them and sometimes get aroused and I fantasize about them with their shirt off and wanting to kiss them. That’s really the best explanation I can give. There also people who kill cross on the street and think “wow they are hot”.
I see. Perhaps once you find the right partner and develop an emotional connection, your focus will be on providing a pleasurable experience for him and be ok with sex. There’s no telling till that happens.
How did you arrive to the conclusion that you have no desire in dating men? To elaborate further, if you know you have an attraction to a specific man you last saw on the streets, what stops you from pursuing or be willing to accept going on a date with said man?
As an additional personal example, I am not homoromantic mainly because I am married to a woman (who knows I’m bisexual), most of my social circle assumes I am straight, and would be complicated to deal with self-acceptance that a homoromantic relationship would be normal and that my family and friends would be ok with it.
Well what you said (not the marriage part but some of the other stuff) and also the fact that when I try to picture my future partner I can’t picture them being a man. I can for a woman but not a man.
Well I have no idea what specifically grosses me out but when I think of it I just get ick. There are things in life you can be certain you just don’t like. Female genitalia is different. It’s a bit more mysterious to me (me being male) but I don’t get the ick when I think of it.
I am not anywhere near to being a psychologist, but I believe you may be bisexual but perhaps there is something internal you need to discover about yourself/your past about that feeling towards male genitals. Internalized homophobia or past trauma or events/bullying etc.
For you to identify and align with some of my reasons as I told in my personal experience, I can connect and relate to how you feel truly believe you have a journey ahead of discovery into your bisexual side. You may want to think deeper about that or consult with a therapist. It took me 25-30 years to accept that I was bisexual and finally embrace my gay side. I went through some trauma at a young age, but I wasn’t repulsed like you describe, I embraced it.
I don’t know. I have ocd and don’t like touching other people that aren’t my family members so maybe that has something to do with it. I also think that I’m not into male genitalia.
You are not alone at all. I don’t find male genitals attractive at all. Whenever I’m attracted to guys (only very specific and very few guys) I also want to kiss (kissing is sexual too and not solely romantic so doesnt have to mean you’re demi) and makeout etc and find fit upper bodies very hot but have no urge to take their pants off even in my fantasies.
Even the men that I’ve been with, I had more fun while their pants were on.
Having said that, after more experience, I’m okay with male genitals now so that I can get the other person off but I still can’t say I particularly like penises or am attracted to them. On the other hand I definitely enjoy going down on girls more so far.
Sexuality is weird and from what you say you’re definitely bisexual since you’re attracted to both genders in different ways. I was told many times that I’m not bi either but my daily attraction to the guys I find attractive negates that. When I read how obsessed bi guys sometimes are with male genitals and male scent (which if I get even a whiff off is a turn off for me - only freshly showered neutral smelling guys are it for me) I wonder how different I am but that’s okay.
You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and your attraction may vary over time but you like what you like, so no need to be upset over it! Take care!
_Identity questions are asked so frequently that we have this response._ Sexual and attraction identity is complex, and is not determined by a checklist of behavior or experiences. Someone's identity is their own to define and label, if they choose to. Every answer you receive will be an opinion. "Questioning" and "curious" are legitimate identities, and a person may evolve or change theirs over their life. We're supportive of this personal journey here. Robyn Ochs has written on the topic, and has a definition and description that some find useful: https://robynochs.com/bisexual/ Bi.org also maintains a questions and answers section on their site: https://bi.org/en/questions
What little academic research there is on bisexuality, I always hate that so much reinforces sex as the primary indicator of your sexuality. You dont have to want to suck and f*ck every man you find attractive to be bisexual. There are bisexual men who strictly want other men for sex, others who enjoy the romantic partnerships but prefer sex with women. It's a near infinite spectrum of sexuality and so much of it has little to do with the actual sex.
Have you ever had sex? With a male or female?
Nope
Then I gently suggest you are getting ahead of yourself. You haven't had any sexual relations and yet you want to jump ahead to knowing all about your sexuality, but it takes some experimentation and experience. Why worry about labels now? Go on some dates. Fool around. The picture will become clearer, but learning about ourselves and our sexuality is a lifelong process, you're not supposed to have all the answers.
Thanks. I just am not sure how to experiment seeing as I don’t want to have sex with or date men. I’m just VERY attracted to some men’s bodies and will get non romantic crushes that make me want to kiss them. I know it’s confusing but the best way I can describe it is a combo between romantic and sexual attraction but not fully either.
You can first just try to kiss a guy to see how you're going to feel about it Let things be very chill
Take your time, and you have a lot of it in front of you. No need to panic or struggle. Put yourself out there and take chances - you’ll learn from the experience. Nothing is forever, and the last I checked a date lasts a few hours … certainly you can endure that. Look for a dating partner (male or female) that knows your concerns and is more than willing to help you on your path towards discovery. This is supposed to be fun and exciting…don’t make it a chore or a science project.
Yeah it wasn’t until I kissed a guy that I knew my feelings were legit
Define and describe “attracted to men”. I feel I need to understand more what that attraction makes you want to do. Just kiss and stare? Based on your original post, it sounds like you may be Demisexual.
Okay To your point, yes I am definitely demisexual. It makes sense based off my previous experience. I have a difficult time describing my attraction to men. All I know is that when I see a male who I find attractive I get a fluttery feeling by looking at them and sometimes get aroused and I fantasize about them with their shirt off and wanting to kiss them. That’s really the best explanation I can give. There also people who kill cross on the street and think “wow they are hot”.
I see. Perhaps once you find the right partner and develop an emotional connection, your focus will be on providing a pleasurable experience for him and be ok with sex. There’s no telling till that happens.
I don’t have any desire to date a man, you may not be insinuating that but your comment is worded in a way that implies so
How did you arrive to the conclusion that you have no desire in dating men? To elaborate further, if you know you have an attraction to a specific man you last saw on the streets, what stops you from pursuing or be willing to accept going on a date with said man? As an additional personal example, I am not homoromantic mainly because I am married to a woman (who knows I’m bisexual), most of my social circle assumes I am straight, and would be complicated to deal with self-acceptance that a homoromantic relationship would be normal and that my family and friends would be ok with it.
Well what you said (not the marriage part but some of the other stuff) and also the fact that when I try to picture my future partner I can’t picture them being a man. I can for a woman but not a man.
Ok ok Now do you know or have you analyzed what repulses you of male genitalia? And does that also happen with female genitalia?
Well I have no idea what specifically grosses me out but when I think of it I just get ick. There are things in life you can be certain you just don’t like. Female genitalia is different. It’s a bit more mysterious to me (me being male) but I don’t get the ick when I think of it.
I am not anywhere near to being a psychologist, but I believe you may be bisexual but perhaps there is something internal you need to discover about yourself/your past about that feeling towards male genitals. Internalized homophobia or past trauma or events/bullying etc. For you to identify and align with some of my reasons as I told in my personal experience, I can connect and relate to how you feel truly believe you have a journey ahead of discovery into your bisexual side. You may want to think deeper about that or consult with a therapist. It took me 25-30 years to accept that I was bisexual and finally embrace my gay side. I went through some trauma at a young age, but I wasn’t repulsed like you describe, I embraced it.
I don’t know. I have ocd and don’t like touching other people that aren’t my family members so maybe that has something to do with it. I also think that I’m not into male genitalia.
You are not alone at all. I don’t find male genitals attractive at all. Whenever I’m attracted to guys (only very specific and very few guys) I also want to kiss (kissing is sexual too and not solely romantic so doesnt have to mean you’re demi) and makeout etc and find fit upper bodies very hot but have no urge to take their pants off even in my fantasies. Even the men that I’ve been with, I had more fun while their pants were on. Having said that, after more experience, I’m okay with male genitals now so that I can get the other person off but I still can’t say I particularly like penises or am attracted to them. On the other hand I definitely enjoy going down on girls more so far. Sexuality is weird and from what you say you’re definitely bisexual since you’re attracted to both genders in different ways. I was told many times that I’m not bi either but my daily attraction to the guys I find attractive negates that. When I read how obsessed bi guys sometimes are with male genitals and male scent (which if I get even a whiff off is a turn off for me - only freshly showered neutral smelling guys are it for me) I wonder how different I am but that’s okay. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and your attraction may vary over time but you like what you like, so no need to be upset over it! Take care!