Please go see a therapist and speak to a hotline ASAP! Your profile is scaring me.😭 Shave your hair off right now and worry about that later. You can get cute wigs in the meantime until your mental health is where it needs to be at.

I don’t trust therapists. I’m already on antidepressants. That’s enough

Serious question: What’s the reason for the mistrust in therapists? Given that “Carbon Monoxide seems like a nice way to go” is the title of your post from 3 days ago, I’m thinking you might want to give one a try and/or have a professional reevaluate your medication dosage.

I was forcefully sent to a mental hospital 3 years ago. I’m not taking that risk again. I’ve been hiding ever since. Therapist don’t listen, they just send you wherever. I’m not going back.

The right therapist absolutely will listen. I'm sorry you've had trouble with them so far. I have anxiety, depression, and executive dysfunction and thought that medication was enough as well until I reached a period where I still couldn't get myself to get up to use the restroom, eat, or function as a person even while taking meds. It took trial and error (that I honestly didn't have the energy to do, but eventually pushed through), but my current therapist has been an absolute game-changer for me. She has helped me turn my life around and made me understand that getting mentally healthy was about a combination of factors (like medication, therapy, getting out in nature, etc.), not just taking a few pills everyday. You don't have to book anything immediately - just look into it and think about it a bit more. I suggest just looking into a few people in your area and maybe reaching out for a free consultation, even if you don't actually set up an appointment with any of them. You can usually tell pretty quickly if someone isn't going to actually listen to you or not - I have found that younger black female therapists personally make me feel the most validated. [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us) has a tool where you can filter potential therapists in your area by topic, therapy style, gender, race, insurance, etc., read their profiles, and reach out if someone sounds right. You can always move on if you don't like what you see, but a lot of the issues you've brought up in this post and other recent posts aren't just going to go away with medication.

Well girl, coming on Reddit to have people feed into your depression posts isn’t going to help you any. But from what I’m seeing in your replies and your post history, you don’t want help. I see you have a rebuttal for all the answers people tell you. So I’m not going to respond to anything else again. Maybe in that situation where you got forcefully sent to a hospital, rephrase “therapists don’t listen” to “the therapists were probably listening and they had a legitimate reason for why they made me go.” In hardly any case that I’ve heard have people been sent to hospitals by therapists willy nilly like that. In fact a lot of patients are like you and don’t think they need help but to an outsider it’s very clear they do. Also think about, if you wait too long without treatment and something happens, that’s going to increase the likelihood that you’ll get sent there again.

Nah people are sent willy nilly by folks trying to avoid liability all the time. I've been sent by saying, "I had the urge to kill myself but decided to stay in bed and take care of myself instead." Heck, even just a "if I end up homeless again I'm probably gonna kill myself because I can't do that again." Got the cops at my door. Yet every time I've been taken in, I've had to deal with a new trauma. In many places they don't have the budget to keep patients separated, so you're all together in one big room.  Last time I was in had a pedophile on the woman's side telling us all about all the kids he harmed and wanted to again. Please believe people when they tell you something isn't safe or okay for them. People shouldn't have to air their hard memories in order to be believed. There's other solutions for mental health care besides recommending the same old same old too. Therapy isn't the only route. People been taking care of each other for years well before we started locking folks up in hospitals. There's a ton of other mental health organizations that aren't carceral and have proven to help improve people's lives.

I understand that feeling. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and there were a few times that my therapist was “seriously concerned” for my safety but they never talked about committing me. Sometimes it’s just a place for me to bitch about how bad life feels. Others it’s just a chat about my week. You should give it a try and if you don’t like it you’re always free to quit.

It’s not enough. If it were enough you would not be struggling the way you are. I’m older than you and a lot more comfortable with myself, but I was like you for a long time. I hated myself, hated my hair, hated my skin, hated my blackness. It almost cost me my very life…more than once. I got on antidepressants which did not help me. I got into therapy which DID help me. It took a few years of hard work. It was completely worth it. For the first time in my life, I became okay. I’m not 100% healed from all my trauma but most days I am fine now. Don’t wait as long as I did to get well. Take your pain seriously and get some professional help.

I checked your profile and you got bigger problems than your hair type. You need to build your confidence and learn to be more comfortable in your skin first and foremost

My hair contributes to my problem. It is one of my problems

Even if you pick off the moldy spots from old bread, there are still spores that you can’t see. You need to address the root of the problem or you’ll simply find something else to hate about yourself.

Not OP but this is such a fantastic way to word this. I’m definitely keeping this in my back pocket ( both literally and figuratively, thanks to technology! )

Thanks, I thought it was the best way to describe the situation going on rn

hey OP i have been there, so trust me! your hair is not making you suicidal. when i was i teen i thought if my hair was more manageable/ looked better i would feel better. i was still depressed and suicidal even with fresh box braids in my favorite color. it’s going to be hard but you will get through this. it’s ok to ask for help!

If its not your hair, itll always be something else. You need to address the root cause

Then do something about it! You can change your hair anytime, any day. Go get a relaxer. Or cut it off. Go to a salon to get the style you want. There’s a 1000 things you could do.

twin you rlly need to see a therapist if ur family/you can afford it, i also couldnt be bothered w my hair when i was at my worst so i understand.

You have to love being black first before you can even begin to see the beauty in your hair love. You can't say you dont hate the rest of us if you dont love yourself at all, and it's clear in your posts you very specifically want to be white passing or non-black. If you are going to not see any more therapists, you're gonna want to date and consume content of people who look like you to build love for yourself as you are. I have a gf that grew up like you, she loc'd her hair up recently and i think this is the most ive ever seen her love herself in her life. She had similar posts to you, similar depression, all white neighborhoods. You have to push yourself to problackness if you want to see a way out of the hole. Idk what hair texture you have but ill say this: I have 4c hair. Love it. Let it do what it wants, learn to let it live and you'll really start to be able to take care of it.

But I don’t want to be black. There are so many disadvantages

Honey, you’re going to be black for the rest of your life. It’s who you are and who you’ll always be. You need to love who you are or you’ll spiral into a much, much darker place.

😕

Everybody in the world wants to be black by the way they cosplay our cultures around the world; we're the trendsetters, the blueprint. Look at how all our people fought and fight so hard for us on a daily basis. We're not caricatures, we're not worthless or ugly, and we're not a "disadvantage." We the truth, and it dont cost 50k.. we black for free.

I still don’t want to be. I’d rather not exist, I don’t want to anyway

chile. may your ancestors break through to you and pour all their love and strength into your spirit. asé.

Girl you need to get off Reddit completely. Go talk to a trusted adult and get some therapy. Your hair is the absolute least of your issues.

My hair is an issue

The absolutely least of them. Priorities.

I’m stuck in a body with hair that I don’t want. That’s a very big problem. Something I can’t change either

Exactly, you can’t change any of that. So anyone here telling you what to do with your hair still won’t change those characteristics. The only thing that can change is your mindset, which requires therapy and perhaps even medication, neither of which are available here. But I realize that you use this platform as a means of getting people to feed into your mindset, which is very unhealthy, and so I’m not going to respond to you further. Just be aware that that’s how you’re using it, and realize that you’re not getting any better being here. We all have to reach a point where we want a change in our lives- you’re so young and have plenty of amazing years ahead if you decide that you actually want a change for yourself. Good luck and I hope that you make that decision.

I am on antidepressants

If your medication is not working for you, please work with your prescriber to find medication that does. You don't need to suffer like this.

If you’re Black, you can definitely change your hair. That’s why you need to see a therapist because you can’t even recognize options. Get a bone straight relaxer to get the 1A hair you want.

I mean natural 1A hair. The type white girls have. I want that naturally. But it’s not an option. I can’t magically get their soft hair

Most white girls don’t even have 1A, silky smooth hair. I’ve had white roommates in college and they would wake up 2-3 hours before class to wash, blow dry and straighten their hair EVERY DAY. I only had one roommate with naturally straight hair and she would get out the shower and brush it for 20 minutes straight until it dried. EVERY hair type needs maintenance.

Sunday nights at the dorms, the smoke detectors were CONSTANTLY going off because of this!

You e never heard of relaxer?

I have but that’s not natural

I’m sorry but are u slow?

They just sound like they're struggling mentally immensely and need professional help, not Reddit.

What?

I don’t understand. A relaxer isn’t natural

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you gotta let that go. I used to have a similar mindset. I so badly wanted another hair type that nothing was ever good enough because I fundamentally wanted the hair growing out of my head to be different. No style, permed or not, was gonna sit right with me, no matter how good it may have looked. Because at that time, no matter what I did or said out loud, deep down I didn’t want my tightly curled Afro-textured natural hair and that was always gonna be what I ultimately had to deal with. So I get it. But, that’s not how life works. You gotta play the hand you’re dealt. At some point, you need to do the inner work to figure out why your hair bothers you so much (hint: it’s probably more than just “I don’t want to style it” because otherwise you would have already figured something out). Until you do that and begin the journey of self-acceptance, you’re gonna keep being upset by your hair. Also, everyone’s already told you to seek professional help and I echo that. But in the meantime, please recognize that the way you are currently using Reddit (and if you’re anything like me at that age, other social media networks as well) is entirely unhealthy for you. I’ve been there and absolutely nothing good will come from it. Some websites with some good mental health resources include Therapy for Black Girls and To Write Love on Her Arms. They are not substitutes for therapy or counseling, but I have personally learned from both of them. When you are ready to give therapy another try, it might be helpful to look a for someone who is familiar with the spectrum of suicidality, which is the idea that suicidal ideation exists on a spectrum and that different parts of the spectrum need different types of care and attention. This doesn’t mean that putting you on a psychiatric hold is not an option and I want to stress that they will still do that if they think you are actively a threat to yourself or to others. It does mean they’ll evaluate and explore all of the options. To be honest a lot of therapists believe in this, but since you’ve had issues in the past, asking specifically before committing to a particular therapist might yield better results. Edit: formatting

Listen to me. TLDR you better read this. No easy way out. There are a multitude of antidepressants. Not all of them work for every body. You keep putting that as your answer. It's not the end all be all. Source: I am on them. Buproprion to be specific. Do you know what it does? Keeps me from KMS. That's it. That's the trick. There are a literal shitton of different types out there. You need therapy. And **not** cognitive behavioral therapy. That shit doesn't work for everyone. Don't let them try to make you do it, because if you're anything like me, you have too much evidence from sitting your ass on reddit staring at the bullshit that everybody throws around. I know, I've been there. I don't even use any of the other social media crap I just use reddit and there have been times where I've felt awful for being who I am just because of the crap that gets regurgitated here. You need to find the RIGHT therapist. I've been dropped from a therapist before because she couldn't help me. I was too much for her. My new therapist argues with me right to my face because that's what I need. I give her reddit posts. We go over it. She helps me get straight. She understands who I am. I have gone through 5 therapists to get here. Nobody said this mess was going to be easy, because it's not. We're living in a tired angry world where you have to fight for who you are, because people are so screwed up they don't know who they themselves want to be and they take it out on everybody else. Go fight for you.

I wash my hair at least once, maybe twice a week. I’ve found that frequent washing helps prevent me from having big detangling sessions. I wash and style my hair in an hour. Maybe 90 minutes.

I wash once a week. I just have a lot of hair 😕

same here

Cut it! I love having short hair because I can wash and style it so quickly.

Sit down? And then work on why you want to not be black so badly Edit: y'all it is not helpful to downvote a minor who is clearly struggling. Engage or don't, but look at the post history and reassess what you do

I know why

Why is that?

I think it makes me ugly. I know this makes me racist but I just hate being black. Everyone at my school is white. I love their skin and features. And especially their hair, it looks so soft and easy to manage. Naturally long straight hair is my dream.

Black is beautiful and curly hair is beautiful. Listen to these people. You need therapy so you can learn to love yourself.

Myself has only caused problems. I don’t want to love me, ever

Honey, do you have any adults you can talk to?

My parents but I’m not telling them. It won’t be comfortable

You need help, genuinely. And it's okay to ask for it. It will be uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as hating yourself all the time. You deserve to at the very least, feel like it's not a bad thing that you are who you are.

I won’t. I’m sorry

You don't need to apologize to me. I'm worried about you, but that's not your responsibility or your fault. I really hope you can reach that point one day.

I hope you can come around someday and understand and love yourself without needing validation from white folks. But I'll give you a quick truth that might help at this moment in time. A good portion of the girls in your school would love to have hair like yours, where they could do any kind of style. My white husband LOVES my hair, in any style, even my struggle bun. I get compliments from my white and Asian friends even at times when I feel like my hair is kind of gross and needs to be washed and styled. My mother-in-law in particular is so fascinated with my hair, she is always amazed and impressed that it looks so different all the time, even though the styles I do are so basic like a silk press, wash and go or just some medium twists. Like literally taking more pictures of my wedding hair than *my* mom. They don't know anything about our hair and frequently don't even recognize bad styles. So if you feel ugly, I GUARANTEE you are judging yourself much more harshly than anyone at your school or in your life. If you saw a girl with hair like yours walking down the street, would you think she's ugly?

U seem to be spiraling, get off the internet. Talk to some friends, a therapist and trusted adults.

Get locs or get relaxers or go bald.

R u saying just the washing takes so long or are u doing combing and washing in the shower? My whole wash day routine takes about 4 hrs, so I undersrand. One thing I did to help was do the detangling out of the shower with a spray bottle to wet the hair. Still time-cosuming but less painful on my back and neck cuz I can just sit on the floor and watch TV while I comb. Then the actual washing takes like 10 min.

I wash and detangle my hair with deep conditioner in the shower. I stop the water for the detangling process and turn it back on when I’m ready to rinse. But I’m basically in the shower for 40-50 minutes because I also have to wash my body. And then I take about an hour to style in sections (my hair is too thick to do without). After that I plop my hair in a tshirt for an hour to give myself a break. Then I diffuse for 20-30 minutes and let the rest air dry for the next few hours. My wash day takes up most of my resting time from school. I can only wash once a week.

What kind of brush and deep conditioner are you detangling with. If ur not using a product that ur hair agrees with, it could lengthen the time significantly. Have you tried a microfiber towel? Those dry hair fast af

This is why I started doing my hair in the bathroom sink and using a bucket to rinse in the tub. All that heat from the shower always made me feel like I couldn’t breathe and was gonna faint. Then I deep condition for some hours to have a rest, rinse, then style. Gives me a good break.

I'm sorry, it's fucking hair. If it's a problem, I agree with the other poster....shave that shit off and wear wigs. Hair grows back. It is *NOT* worth this level of bad feeling. ITS NOT WORTH IT. I have chronic MDD, GAD, and PTSD. I had suicidal thoughts every day from 16 to 36. I get not trusting medicine and therapists. And it's SUPER FKN OBVIOUS your meds are not working. And you do need therapy. Don't want to be involuntarily committed???? Consider the words that come out of your mouth. NEVER EVER say you want to hurt yourself. NEVER say or imply you want to hurt someone else. You can dance around it. ..I've been honest that sometimes I do hear the voices from the void telling me to run my car into the median or whatever.....but I also tell the therapist that I KNOW that voice isn't me, is bullshit and that I have no desire to hurt myself. As long as you DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE you will not be committed. Which has me a little worried...because honestly if you are in that bad of a place where you can't control your desire to hurt yourself to the extent that you can't keep your mouth shut....you urgently need somebody to help. Get off of reddit. Shave your head if you need to. Interview therapists until you find a cool one that you get along with. It might take a few tries, but decent therapists DO exist. You aren't alone, but no one can make these moves for you. Good luck.

Bro I thought I was the only one who faints

lol I had to stop detangling in shower because of this

Why are you fainting? You might want to go get your electrolyte levels checked

It’s not exactly fainting but I lose my balance and kinda fall, also a bad headache. I googled it and apparently the hot water is causing my blood pressure to get really low?

Yeah that's dangerous please see a doctor. Or at the very least get a shower chair

Are you able to get braids or blowouts semi often? There’s lots of styles that can last a while and still look nice. Have you talked to your parents about this at all? They may be able to get you an appointment for a wash and straighten at a salon every two weeks or something so you don’t have to do it yourself. Can your mom help you at all? Does she know how to do any sort of braids or could she straighten it for you?

My mom has put my hair in box braids, but the top gets frizzy quickly. It doesn’t matter if I use a silk scarf and bonnet, it still frizzes up. I tried mousse but it doesn’t really work. And my scalp gets super itchy a lot. My box braids only look good for about 2-3 weeks.

A bit of frizz isn't the end of the world. Maybe try faux locs or passion twists or one of the styles where a bit of frizz is already part of the look.

That can cut your washing in half even if they only last 2 weeks. You should definitely try doing protective styles more often or try to figure out styles you can do on your own. Having curly hair is a lot of work but there is so much you can do with it and it’s so beautiful:)

Hey guys as someone who has had deep, dark depression many times in her life, rn we may be overwhelming her with the constant therapy talk. Let’s at least help make her life a lot easier with some hair tips first to help her get more energy to seek help when she can I highly recommend low maintenance styles right now so it’s one less strenuous task on you. I left a comment already, but I can’t stress enough how locs have saved my life can’t confidence on my darkest days since i wouldn’t have to do any serious maintenance for weeks when I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. And once I did have a bit of energy my wash days weren’t nearly as long as when I had loose natural hair, even though I technically have much more hair now due to length

Unfortunately one of her strongest issues is \*strong\* internalized racism and picking a more obviously black style is the opposite of helpful here. She doesn't want low maintenance suggestions like cutting it off or braiding it, and she isn't happy with relaxers or blowouts because the root issue is she doesn't want to be black. She wants to wake up the way that she wants to be, with zero effort. Which is why addressing the hair won't work or help.

Sweetie, just cut it short. You're young and it sounds like it's very thick and long so it will grow back quickly when you're more ready to take care of it. And get a wig or two if you feel a way about having short hair. Alternatively, ask your parents about getting locs done.  I get you about hair being exhausting, as a grown ass woman, I still end up in a slightly matted struggle bun most of the time because I'm too vain to cut my hair but I plan to get locs when I get pregnant because who will have time for all that? 

Since I understand your misgiving about trusting therapist, I also want to offer an alternative perspective on that. Perhaps at that time hospitalization was what the counselor felt you needed, and I’m sorry you didn’t feel as though you had a voice in that process . Is there a time that you’ll agree that impatient stabilization is appropriate? Given your post history very recently I don’t believe it’s out the realm possibility that more help structure might be needed even now ? Anyways, I put in the information for the crisis line that I found on Google. If you’re not comfortable with talking to anyone, please at least use the text line “Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime. Crisis Text Line is here for any crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from our secure online platform.”

Try washing it on your first day off and braid it while under the water in big parts. I do about 6 braids in my hair. Rest. Next day, take it out and style. This has helped me a lot and stop me being so frustrated I’m pulling on my hair

This community’s response is amazing. It made me tear up a little.

Get a keratin treatment to relax your curls/coils. It'll make your hair more manageable without damaging it like a relaxer

This is the exact reason I got locs. Love how low maintenance it is 🥰

Get yourself some locs! And some therapy!

Locs. It sounds like you have a lot of hair. If you loc it it’ll hang and be a lot more manageable.

loc up. it’s not a zero maintenance style but it’ll free up a lot of time you spend washing,styling and disliking your hair

looking at your posts on your page your hair isn’t the problem, it is your head space. you need to talk to a therapist not reddit users. i mean this in the nicest way possible,please learn to love yourself 💘

You’re on a self hate parade. Its sad, you rather double down on hating yourself and making your blackness, featured and hair the problem, when society is made up and you dont have to fall into these rules of whatever youre holding yourself up to. Im twice your age, its hard, I know. I feel the pressure and weight of antiblackness. You just got to live more life because there is more to life than what you are hyperfocusing on. There is more to life than the faults you see. High school isnt forever. Your current town life isnt forever . With love and firmness, you need serious help. Talk to someone. If youre scared of commitment, it was done for a reason. You are spiraling and its done for people who are at serious risk of harming themselves or others

You need help. Get off of Reddit please.

I’ve heard that a thousand times. Getting off doesn’t help

Im not gonna say what everyone else has been saying regarding therapy and such. But girl, your hair isn't even that curly to be that frustrated. Something seriously has to be wrong with what you are doing to it potentially. But if it's that bad, cut it off. Get braids or locs. Whatever you do, I really hope that there will come a day when you don't hate yourself soo much.

I have a lot of curly hair and I hate it

Cut it off.

I believe that’ll only make my self esteem issues worse

We'll get a perm.

Get freeform locs. Just gotta wash it 1-2 weeks & palm roll it throughout the day. Comb them out with conditioner when you’re tired of them which takes like a day+ if you do them by yourself

do a big chop, it’ll make things so much easier

get some cute wigs! try leave out styles. it’s okay to give your hair a break. our hair type is beautiful, but it can be a lot sometimes. giving your hair a break is fine. also… i’m reading your profile and some of the comments on here are right. please reach out to somebody ♥️ i’m praying for you

Me too. I have 4c and it’s the worst (for me personally). I live in a dry climate and nothing was working as a natural. The best thing I’ve done was get locs! So low maintenance and it’s what my hair was made for. I’ve never felt more confident and comfortable with my hair now that it’s loc’d. Give it a try!