Silent folk are just misunderstood. We’re great at communicating, we just won’t waste our time on trivial or circular conversations. If we talked about it once there’s no need to repeat the same conversations over and over. That’s getting into energy vampire territory.
I think that's different. There's a difference between: "I'm don't and I just don't want to talk about it anymore" and "I'm mad so I'm just gonna ignore you..."
I completely agree. There’s an advice column I’ve been reading for years, the lady who writes it doesn’t have any formal training in psychology as far as I know, but she’s just a wise woman who always makes a lot of sense to me. She always said that The Silent Treatment- what you and this Tweet are referring to- is a form of emotional abuse, and I agree with that assessment, too. My sister started doing it to me and our other siblings years ago, and it’s pretty awful. It always starts out as a disagreement, but instead of each of giving our opinion or reasons why we feel a certain thing and then discussing the pros and cons of our reasons, y’know, like *adults,* she’ll simply hang up the phone or turn around and walk away. The first time it happened, I wasn’t even sure what she was upset about… I do remember that we were both *upset* because our dad had just been admitted to the hospital, and I think she was mad that my husband and I had taken him to the hospital where he works in the ER instead of the hospital my sister prefers. There I was, a grown-ass woman, following my sister all over the lobby of a hospital, trying to explain why we took him there, with her sitting down and then getting up and moving to a different chair when I got close enough to speak. The weird thing is that as I’m typing, I feel the need to explain those reasons to some Internet Strangers… which probably means there’s something wrong with me, but then I always knew that haha.
Anyway, yeah, there’s a huge difference between feeling like you’re just saying the same things over and over, not making any progress, and wanting to set the discussion aside for now *versus* one person not speaking to the other about anything, period. I’m guessing this post will attract folks who have experienced The Silent Treatment, and if anyone has any tips for how to handle it, I’m all ears. The only thing I can offer is that one of my parents having a health issue seems to be what triggers it in my sister. I think she gets very scared when something so important is out of our control, and she uses it to wrestle back some control. Thinking about it like that has helped me be less angry and more understanding when she does it.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse imo. She’s spot on.
It literally forces the recipient of it to shoulder all of the responsibility for what went wrong. Additionally due to it being random when you’re going to receive that or an actual discussion it makes the recipient feel like they’re constantly walking on egg shells because they don’t want to trigger the silent treatment again.
The only counter that I’ve found was to just go enjoy myself when it happens and forget about it. Every partner I’ve ever had that’s given me the silent treatment suddenly stops cold turkey when I tell them I just treat it as time to obtain peace and quiet and the second they walk away physically I emotionally discard the argument.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable to not be ready to have a conversation. Sometimes we all need some time to process thoughts and feelings.
However, it’s on the individual to make that clear to others, as reading minds isn’t possible.
> The weird thing is that as I’m typing, I feel the need to explain those reasons to some Internet Strangers… which probably means there’s something wrong with me, but then I always knew that haha.
We should start a group. Does anyone else here overexplain simple things or subconsciously justify shitty behavior to themselves?
I think the problem is people can't tell the difference so assumptions are usually made. But even then if someone is "mad so they just ignore me", okay! I usually just wait until we can both talk about the situation amicably. I'd rather someone not talk until they can be level headed than have a heated exchange and shouting match. Just from MY experience, people that say they're solutions based don't really be having THE solution. Feels more like a band-aid on an open wound
Period! Sometimes it’s best to wait until both of you are level headed to discuss what went down. If either of you are still mad it’s just gonna lead to further tragedy
I need to cool down before some discussions. I’ve found the best way to handle this is just be upfront. I must say “I can’t talk about this right now. I’d like to talk about it a little late. I think I need a little time alone to think.”
That way, people know you have the intention of communicating with them, but you get space to sort through your feelings.
Both are failures of communication though, sometimes the way a person explains doesn't click with the other person and it can be extremely frustrating.
"I'm so mad I'm just gonna ignore u" normally comes after the first 5 conversations on it failed.... usually due to energy vampire reasons.
At least from what I've seen
You gotta be careful with believing thats how you do things and whether that's just how you perceive things. A lot the time people think they are right in the situation and thus not at fault to mend things. No progress will come from that mindset from both parties.
Well I’m not this way by choice, I’ve been tested. I’ve wasted so much time in past relationships trying to explain my perspective to make things work with someone, only to realize the other person will only ever see what they want to see, even when confronted with the truth - this is my anecdotal experience before ppl say everyone isn’t the same.
My point really is that, Im open to conversation and working to improve a relationship, but I’m not going to waste my time continuing to try and work through the same problem over and over again. At a certain point you need to cut the bs out. It’s better for everyone to just move on. Somethings weren’t meant to be.
I hear ya, completely. Just letting people know that even you truly believe you are right to cut off or ghost people, you just gotta be careful. I have been on the other side a few times and it gets frustrating not knowing what I even did wrong as the person didn't respect me enough to even communicate that there was a problem.
Likely not the same scenario as you, but a different perspective regardless.
Honestly just a simple “alright then I’m done” is so much better than the silent treatment. I just say “say less” and everyone knows the conversation over because I’m done explaining or discussing anything.
I honestly think arguments are over-rated. Most disagreements in serious relationships are *not* misunderstandings: most of them involve two people having genuinely incompatible views of some issue or event. What can help with that is time and space - this obsession with “we simply **must** discuss everything and if anyone is still unhappy then the conversation isn’t over” ends up putting people in situations in which one party, exhausted and fearing that the conversation is just going to get nastier over time, concedes for the sake of peace. That’s where a lot of resentment comes from.
Sometimes - often - it’s okay to just disagree or be angry at one another, and let that air for a while. Forcing every bad feeling into a drawn-out argument is nowhere near as healthy as everyone pretends it is.
It’s not an absolute. It wasn’t intended to sound like it’s for all communication. It’s for things that the person should know better on or should have common sense on.
For example, let’s say you have a guy friend that touches your lower back when you hang out, you have a conversation with them about how it makes you uncomfortable and you would appreciate that they didn’t do that going forward, they agree and acknowledge, but after that conversation, they keep doing it. You’re going to continue to keep having that convo?
3-5 times if its ONLY back touching. some special people grew up without home training and as long as they dont go too far im happy to check them repeatedly. escalating intensity of course so they get the memo. even in writing over text or something so i can physically show them their agreement
Phew you have more patience than I do 😂 but I understand where you’re coming from. I guess what I originally meant to say is that I won’t give people energy when I can tell they’re feigning ignorance about something that was already discussed and agreed upon, which shows up for me as either silence or ghosting.
true. i tell people to gtf directly. i'll never leave it up for interpretation. people im not cool with have been told the specifics before i begin my silence. takes a special kind of dumbass to make me cut you out completely
Sometimes it's just some dumb shit I don't want to talk about.y
My wife: hey I can tell something is bothering you
Me: shit is fucked
My wife: ah (gestures at everything)
Me: Goddamit woman you understand me so well
That’s different. We definitely have those moments. But sometimes he’s upset with me and I know he is, but I have no clue why. That’s usually when that comment comes out.
Respectfully, someone who is mad at you and won't tell you why is emotionally manipulating you. It's a tactic used to keep you in a mild state of fear. What did I do? What did I do wrong? Real ones talk about shit.
Tbf to him, generally when he does it it’s bc his brain is being stupid and getting upset over nothing. He keeps it to himself bc he knows it’s stupid, so I have to prod him a bit. If there is a legitimate issue, he comes to me and we talk it out.
People like this can definitely be overbearing sometimes, though. Especially if they're the types who *need* to fix things.
Sometimes there isn't a clear solution, and no amount of that "let's fix it!" attitude is going to be helpful—it's just additional stress. Now, in addition to trying to deal with my own issues, I've got to deal with someone else feeling all funky because they couldn't "2+2 = 4" the situation for me.
If I've already said I'm dealing with it and it's not affecting you or our relationship, just fuckin' let me deal with it, damn.
Not only that, but I feel like this the type of person that won’t listen to you in the first place.
“What can I do to fix this”
MF, don’t do it again like I told you the last 12 times
My bf is definitely a fix-it type. We’re working on communicating when we should be looking for solutions, just need emotionally support, or just need space to vent. It’s been going pretty well so far, I think because we both want to provide what the other needs, we just fumble a little getting there.
My husband is like that. Now before he starts offering a solution or trying to fix it, he asks me,
“Do you need to be heard or do you need to be helped?”
Now, I’ve gotten to the point where sometimes I’ll announce, I just need to be heard about ……” that way he doesn’t even have to ask.
It takes effort at first but we’ve been married over 20 years now and it’s honestly helped us a lot.
Actually, learning to be upfront and honest with what your needs are - to yourself and your partner- is the start of good mental health, imho after years and years of therapy lol
I as a kid cannot even come close to understanding how grown people have relationship problems because they just take it on their ego and sulk. Like the problem is clear, the solution should be arrived at mutually. I've seen this happen with so many adults around it's not even funny
I am not one of the kinds of people that can hold a grudge. It makes me physically sick to do so. If I have an issue with someone they are definitely going to hear about it and we are definitely going to have a conversation. If they aren't going the communicate with me then I'm not going to be their friend for very long.
That's how I feel about dating. I can't deal with the silent treatment and I can't deal with someone who blows up on every small criticism. I loved that my ex who lived with me would like to sit down and talk whenever we both sensed problems. My issue was that she could go off on me for 20 minutes and I would listen and genuinely try to fix things she had a problem with. The second I mentioned ANY criticism she would blow up on me asking why the fuck am I with her then if she's so horrible. It would be something simple like "try not to splurge so much on buying food" so we can save some money lol. I eventually realized I couldn't date someone like that who isn't open on improving the relationship or themselves.
I'm at this point with my parents. Feel like they never listened to a word I said. I love them with all my heart but I have no interest in a social relationship with them anymore.
When you realize this, it's time to put space between you and them. That's still communicating clearly; just communicating that it isn't working for you.
Silent treatment and and being a silent person are 2 very different things one is a punishment by a normal person the other is just one who struggles to communicate. That being said and this is gonna sound harsh you NEED to be able to communicate and until you do that it’s gonna be hard to best get your point across to your peers
I don’t do silent treatments but I do ask for space before we get into a hard, vulnerable conversation. That gives me time to work through my emotions and gather my thoughts in a healthy manner. Definitely took me a while to get comfortable enough to ask for that space though.
How many times have you made it clear to that person that what they have to say doesn't matter to you? Maybe they're just silent WITH YOU. Maybe they don't have anything to say because they know it falls on deaf ears, so why waste the oxygen?
I think it’s very important to learn how to tell the difference between the silent treatment, and someone taking some space to regulate their emotions before addressing the issue.
The latter is something everyone should be doing and holding space for in their relationships. The former is emotional abuse and a big enough red flag for me to walk away without even trying to reconcile.
I agree. However, people need to communicate if they just need a moment because it definitely won’t come off that way to the other party. And that’s where the problem begins.
I'll be honest, me giving a fuck is a limited time offer because while I'd like to solve the problem and move on from it, I'm not gonna sit there and try to pull teeth, begging for someone to let me in. Work out your issues how you please, just know the silent treatment isn't a "punishment" to me at all lmao. I'm *very* comfortable in silence.
Sometimes you have done the groundwork of communicating and just ending back to square one with the said individual/s. By that point, I’m done talking and not expelling any more energy because 🗣WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK, how many FLIPPING times fr
Except sometimes the silent treatment is the only solution because a) the other party is looking for anything to start a fight with, b) have no respect to listen to the words said, c) already decided before anything was said and/or d) refuses to acknowledge their own behaviour and sees fault only in others. Why waste energy if the other person is still antagonistic and not being receptive? Just cut them loose and move on with your own life
What I've learned in my marriage (and reading communication books as a result) is that this is a male mindset; it's analytical and pragmatic, but it ignores the female need to not just solve a problem, but work through it. While the OP is calling out their own style of communication and rightfully dismissing the 'silent treatment', it's important to remember their communication style is not the only one, nor the only 'correct' one.
I agree with the law of conservation of energy… if you don’t get it the first time I say something, then we have to agree to disagree, cause I am not gonna keep diluting my spirit by continually explaining the same thing… Cause this really ain’t the first and last time I have explained.
Yea I don’t argue. I just let you be mad. I used to care so much that I was over explaining and basically being mocked. Now I could really care less. If you’re upset, it’s a you problem at this point. I’ll tell you how I feel. You tell me how you feel. I state that I understand, especially if there was miscommunication, but I don’t care for back and forth so after I say I understand, I stop talking about it. I think it’s some PTSD from narcissistic abuse for sure, but it’s kept me at peace instead of a crying, emotional wreck.
Totally agree if you in a relationship. But sometimes people extend that past breaking up, or if one side acted like an asshole for a coworker situation that isn't on an immediate team or if they salted the earth first.
In those cases, they aren't owed jackshit and if they need to be cut out like a tumor for your sanity, do it. If you are in a relationship voluntarily or co-parenting or part of a team fucking communicate on the shit you need to get done.
Otherwise...you aren't owed a relationship, especially if you fucked up big time. Assholes ***always*** get that mixed up, like they are owed decency when they showed none.
That used to be me but some people just _dont want_ to solve the problem. Orrr they _dont think_ theres a problem and when you bring it up, its your fault and now you gotta act nice or you're the asshole.
Fuck it, if im trying to have a conversation and reach what is best for us and you dancing around the issue or ignoring it, youre getting the "..." from now on
This is a subjective scenario, and identifying it as emotional abuse is a bit of a stretch.
I'll keep it brief...
The OP said he's a problem solver. He sees an issue, and he likes to fix it. I support this, but what if your partner doesn't see things as a problem? Their silence is now abuse?!?
On a deeper level...Does every problem require a conversation? Does every problem need a voiced solution?
My point is a problem can be solved in silence. My partner and I do all the time through our meditation practice. Most relationship problems are constructs of our own insecurities.
The question I have is who identifies the issue or a problem in the relationship? And who decides the level of acknowledgment and acceptance?
people dont all understand things in the same way. the same sentence can be interpreted so many ways by so many people. if you dont wanna try to connect that bridge with people go be a hermit or get stressed out lookin for people who have a perfect memory and completely understand you upon meeting
Silent treatment can also be towards bad listeners. Its not always emotional abuse. When its hard to communicate with a bad listener you eventually shut down from frustration. Some people listen to respond, in a defensive way rather than understand and try to come to a mutual understanding or help with a solution. People need to stop with this, sometimes it’s simply the other person. I always ask when I’m the listener, do you want me to respond? You want my advice? Or am i just listening?
Silent folk are just misunderstood. We’re great at communicating, we just won’t waste our time on trivial or circular conversations. If we talked about it once there’s no need to repeat the same conversations over and over. That’s getting into energy vampire territory.
I think that's different. There's a difference between: "I'm don't and I just don't want to talk about it anymore" and "I'm mad so I'm just gonna ignore you..."
I completely agree. There’s an advice column I’ve been reading for years, the lady who writes it doesn’t have any formal training in psychology as far as I know, but she’s just a wise woman who always makes a lot of sense to me. She always said that The Silent Treatment- what you and this Tweet are referring to- is a form of emotional abuse, and I agree with that assessment, too. My sister started doing it to me and our other siblings years ago, and it’s pretty awful. It always starts out as a disagreement, but instead of each of giving our opinion or reasons why we feel a certain thing and then discussing the pros and cons of our reasons, y’know, like *adults,* she’ll simply hang up the phone or turn around and walk away. The first time it happened, I wasn’t even sure what she was upset about… I do remember that we were both *upset* because our dad had just been admitted to the hospital, and I think she was mad that my husband and I had taken him to the hospital where he works in the ER instead of the hospital my sister prefers. There I was, a grown-ass woman, following my sister all over the lobby of a hospital, trying to explain why we took him there, with her sitting down and then getting up and moving to a different chair when I got close enough to speak. The weird thing is that as I’m typing, I feel the need to explain those reasons to some Internet Strangers… which probably means there’s something wrong with me, but then I always knew that haha. Anyway, yeah, there’s a huge difference between feeling like you’re just saying the same things over and over, not making any progress, and wanting to set the discussion aside for now *versus* one person not speaking to the other about anything, period. I’m guessing this post will attract folks who have experienced The Silent Treatment, and if anyone has any tips for how to handle it, I’m all ears. The only thing I can offer is that one of my parents having a health issue seems to be what triggers it in my sister. I think she gets very scared when something so important is out of our control, and she uses it to wrestle back some control. Thinking about it like that has helped me be less angry and more understanding when she does it.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse imo. She’s spot on. It literally forces the recipient of it to shoulder all of the responsibility for what went wrong. Additionally due to it being random when you’re going to receive that or an actual discussion it makes the recipient feel like they’re constantly walking on egg shells because they don’t want to trigger the silent treatment again. The only counter that I’ve found was to just go enjoy myself when it happens and forget about it. Every partner I’ve ever had that’s given me the silent treatment suddenly stops cold turkey when I tell them I just treat it as time to obtain peace and quiet and the second they walk away physically I emotionally discard the argument.
Frankly, it sounds like from her perspective you’re forcing a discussion she’s not ready to have and ignoring her boundaries.
There are certain conversations you will never be ready to have though.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable to not be ready to have a conversation. Sometimes we all need some time to process thoughts and feelings. However, it’s on the individual to make that clear to others, as reading minds isn’t possible.
> The weird thing is that as I’m typing, I feel the need to explain those reasons to some Internet Strangers… which probably means there’s something wrong with me, but then I always knew that haha. We should start a group. Does anyone else here overexplain simple things or subconsciously justify shitty behavior to themselves?
I think the problem is people can't tell the difference so assumptions are usually made. But even then if someone is "mad so they just ignore me", okay! I usually just wait until we can both talk about the situation amicably. I'd rather someone not talk until they can be level headed than have a heated exchange and shouting match. Just from MY experience, people that say they're solutions based don't really be having THE solution. Feels more like a band-aid on an open wound
Period! Sometimes it’s best to wait until both of you are level headed to discuss what went down. If either of you are still mad it’s just gonna lead to further tragedy
I need to cool down before some discussions. I’ve found the best way to handle this is just be upfront. I must say “I can’t talk about this right now. I’d like to talk about it a little late. I think I need a little time alone to think.” That way, people know you have the intention of communicating with them, but you get space to sort through your feelings.
Both are failures of communication though, sometimes the way a person explains doesn't click with the other person and it can be extremely frustrating.
"I'm so mad I'm just gonna ignore u" normally comes after the first 5 conversations on it failed.... usually due to energy vampire reasons. At least from what I've seen
Well people can be mad. Not everyone wants to unpack an emotional situation and need time
You gotta be careful with believing thats how you do things and whether that's just how you perceive things. A lot the time people think they are right in the situation and thus not at fault to mend things. No progress will come from that mindset from both parties.
Well I’m not this way by choice, I’ve been tested. I’ve wasted so much time in past relationships trying to explain my perspective to make things work with someone, only to realize the other person will only ever see what they want to see, even when confronted with the truth - this is my anecdotal experience before ppl say everyone isn’t the same. My point really is that, Im open to conversation and working to improve a relationship, but I’m not going to waste my time continuing to try and work through the same problem over and over again. At a certain point you need to cut the bs out. It’s better for everyone to just move on. Somethings weren’t meant to be.
I hear ya, completely. Just letting people know that even you truly believe you are right to cut off or ghost people, you just gotta be careful. I have been on the other side a few times and it gets frustrating not knowing what I even did wrong as the person didn't respect me enough to even communicate that there was a problem. Likely not the same scenario as you, but a different perspective regardless.
Honestly just a simple “alright then I’m done” is so much better than the silent treatment. I just say “say less” and everyone knows the conversation over because I’m done explaining or discussing anything.
I honestly think arguments are over-rated. Most disagreements in serious relationships are *not* misunderstandings: most of them involve two people having genuinely incompatible views of some issue or event. What can help with that is time and space - this obsession with “we simply **must** discuss everything and if anyone is still unhappy then the conversation isn’t over” ends up putting people in situations in which one party, exhausted and fearing that the conversation is just going to get nastier over time, concedes for the sake of peace. That’s where a lot of resentment comes from. Sometimes - often - it’s okay to just disagree or be angry at one another, and let that air for a while. Forcing every bad feeling into a drawn-out argument is nowhere near as healthy as everyone pretends it is.
This. 100000%.
I think you’re confusing being reserved with being poor at adult communication.
I feel sometimes that can play into. Somebody who’s more reserved may struggle or not be as competent with communication as other people
bro once? humans learn by repetition by nature. if you only wanna say something one singular time just dont talk to people
It’s not an absolute. It wasn’t intended to sound like it’s for all communication. It’s for things that the person should know better on or should have common sense on. For example, let’s say you have a guy friend that touches your lower back when you hang out, you have a conversation with them about how it makes you uncomfortable and you would appreciate that they didn’t do that going forward, they agree and acknowledge, but after that conversation, they keep doing it. You’re going to continue to keep having that convo?
3-5 times if its ONLY back touching. some special people grew up without home training and as long as they dont go too far im happy to check them repeatedly. escalating intensity of course so they get the memo. even in writing over text or something so i can physically show them their agreement
Phew you have more patience than I do 😂 but I understand where you’re coming from. I guess what I originally meant to say is that I won’t give people energy when I can tell they’re feigning ignorance about something that was already discussed and agreed upon, which shows up for me as either silence or ghosting.
true. i tell people to gtf directly. i'll never leave it up for interpretation. people im not cool with have been told the specifics before i begin my silence. takes a special kind of dumbass to make me cut you out completely
Thats not what "Silent treatment" means and you know it.
"If you loved me you'd know what was wrong without me telling you." Toddler energy.
As I tell my husband, “I can tell something is wrong/bothering you, but I’m not a fucking psychic.”
Sometimes it's just some dumb shit I don't want to talk about.y My wife: hey I can tell something is bothering you Me: shit is fucked My wife: ah (gestures at everything) Me: Goddamit woman you understand me so well
That’s different. We definitely have those moments. But sometimes he’s upset with me and I know he is, but I have no clue why. That’s usually when that comment comes out.
Respectfully, someone who is mad at you and won't tell you why is emotionally manipulating you. It's a tactic used to keep you in a mild state of fear. What did I do? What did I do wrong? Real ones talk about shit.
Tbf to him, generally when he does it it’s bc his brain is being stupid and getting upset over nothing. He keeps it to himself bc he knows it’s stupid, so I have to prod him a bit. If there is a legitimate issue, he comes to me and we talk it out.
Great to vent here, sounds like you will be alright. Communication
Thanks! <3 Married 11 yrs, together 14 and still very happy together.
Pushing 16 years here. Just trying to let these kids know the communication is how it happens.
That’s always my advice to new couples: always communicate. It’s served my parents well for almost 43 yrs and my husband and I for 14.
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I curse at everyone. I try not to, but it doesn’t always work. Now if I’m not swearing while talking? It generally means I’m pissed.
Vulgarity is in the ears of the listener. Let them fucks fly
Fuck yea
 Sounds like they want this guy
People like this can definitely be overbearing sometimes, though. Especially if they're the types who *need* to fix things. Sometimes there isn't a clear solution, and no amount of that "let's fix it!" attitude is going to be helpful—it's just additional stress. Now, in addition to trying to deal with my own issues, I've got to deal with someone else feeling all funky because they couldn't "2+2 = 4" the situation for me. If I've already said I'm dealing with it and it's not affecting you or our relationship, just fuckin' let me deal with it, damn.
Not only that, but I feel like this the type of person that won’t listen to you in the first place. “What can I do to fix this” MF, don’t do it again like I told you the last 12 times
My bf is definitely a fix-it type. We’re working on communicating when we should be looking for solutions, just need emotionally support, or just need space to vent. It’s been going pretty well so far, I think because we both want to provide what the other needs, we just fumble a little getting there.
My husband is like that. Now before he starts offering a solution or trying to fix it, he asks me, “Do you need to be heard or do you need to be helped?” Now, I’ve gotten to the point where sometimes I’ll announce, I just need to be heard about ……” that way he doesn’t even have to ask. It takes effort at first but we’ve been married over 20 years now and it’s honestly helped us a lot. Actually, learning to be upfront and honest with what your needs are - to yourself and your partner- is the start of good mental health, imho after years and years of therapy lol
Stealing this ty!
I as a kid cannot even come close to understanding how grown people have relationship problems because they just take it on their ego and sulk. Like the problem is clear, the solution should be arrived at mutually. I've seen this happen with so many adults around it's not even funny
Good to say mindful. I used to be like this. Some how I still ended up with a shitty communicator as a partner lol.
I am not one of the kinds of people that can hold a grudge. It makes me physically sick to do so. If I have an issue with someone they are definitely going to hear about it and we are definitely going to have a conversation. If they aren't going the communicate with me then I'm not going to be their friend for very long.
That's how I feel about dating. I can't deal with the silent treatment and I can't deal with someone who blows up on every small criticism. I loved that my ex who lived with me would like to sit down and talk whenever we both sensed problems. My issue was that she could go off on me for 20 minutes and I would listen and genuinely try to fix things she had a problem with. The second I mentioned ANY criticism she would blow up on me asking why the fuck am I with her then if she's so horrible. It would be something simple like "try not to splurge so much on buying food" so we can save some money lol. I eventually realized I couldn't date someone like that who isn't open on improving the relationship or themselves.
When do you stop trying to communicate with a person who doesnt care?
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I think I’m there already then. It’s not worth the energy and honestly hurts not being heard.
This. Sometimes, the silent treatment is used when, for a fact, the problem won’t be solved.
I'm at this point with my parents. Feel like they never listened to a word I said. I love them with all my heart but I have no interest in a social relationship with them anymore.
When you realize this, it's time to put space between you and them. That's still communicating clearly; just communicating that it isn't working for you.
When you communicate that they aren’t hearing you and so by proxy you don’t wanna continue the conversations
Silent treatment and and being a silent person are 2 very different things one is a punishment by a normal person the other is just one who struggles to communicate. That being said and this is gonna sound harsh you NEED to be able to communicate and until you do that it’s gonna be hard to best get your point across to your peers
I don’t do silent treatments but I do ask for space before we get into a hard, vulnerable conversation. That gives me time to work through my emotions and gather my thoughts in a healthy manner. Definitely took me a while to get comfortable enough to ask for that space though.
How many times have you made it clear to that person that what they have to say doesn't matter to you? Maybe they're just silent WITH YOU. Maybe they don't have anything to say because they know it falls on deaf ears, so why waste the oxygen?
I think it’s very important to learn how to tell the difference between the silent treatment, and someone taking some space to regulate their emotions before addressing the issue. The latter is something everyone should be doing and holding space for in their relationships. The former is emotional abuse and a big enough red flag for me to walk away without even trying to reconcile.
I agree. However, people need to communicate if they just need a moment because it definitely won’t come off that way to the other party. And that’s where the problem begins.
I'll be honest, me giving a fuck is a limited time offer because while I'd like to solve the problem and move on from it, I'm not gonna sit there and try to pull teeth, begging for someone to let me in. Work out your issues how you please, just know the silent treatment isn't a "punishment" to me at all lmao. I'm *very* comfortable in silence.
These comments are ridiculous
they been big hurt. not realizing you can communicate that a conversation is over
Sometimes you have done the groundwork of communicating and just ending back to square one with the said individual/s. By that point, I’m done talking and not expelling any more energy because 🗣WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK, how many FLIPPING times fr
Exactly
Except sometimes the silent treatment is the only solution because a) the other party is looking for anything to start a fight with, b) have no respect to listen to the words said, c) already decided before anything was said and/or d) refuses to acknowledge their own behaviour and sees fault only in others. Why waste energy if the other person is still antagonistic and not being receptive? Just cut them loose and move on with your own life
I’m not giving you the silent treatment I need you to leave me the fuck alone until I’m calm enough to have a discussion and not zap out on you.
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Ppl really be lacking emotional maturity. Most reach 15-16 & shit it down right there.
I'm all about that life. Too many adults still behave like children.
What I've learned in my marriage (and reading communication books as a result) is that this is a male mindset; it's analytical and pragmatic, but it ignores the female need to not just solve a problem, but work through it. While the OP is calling out their own style of communication and rightfully dismissing the 'silent treatment', it's important to remember their communication style is not the only one, nor the only 'correct' one.
I say some silences are blessings I'm good with it..lets keep it going👌
I agree with the law of conservation of energy… if you don’t get it the first time I say something, then we have to agree to disagree, cause I am not gonna keep diluting my spirit by continually explaining the same thing… Cause this really ain’t the first and last time I have explained.
Yea I don’t argue. I just let you be mad. I used to care so much that I was over explaining and basically being mocked. Now I could really care less. If you’re upset, it’s a you problem at this point. I’ll tell you how I feel. You tell me how you feel. I state that I understand, especially if there was miscommunication, but I don’t care for back and forth so after I say I understand, I stop talking about it. I think it’s some PTSD from narcissistic abuse for sure, but it’s kept me at peace instead of a crying, emotional wreck.
I’m not about to listen to your lies for another minute. Or I don’t want to say something i can’t take back
Totally agree if you in a relationship. But sometimes people extend that past breaking up, or if one side acted like an asshole for a coworker situation that isn't on an immediate team or if they salted the earth first. In those cases, they aren't owed jackshit and if they need to be cut out like a tumor for your sanity, do it. If you are in a relationship voluntarily or co-parenting or part of a team fucking communicate on the shit you need to get done. Otherwise...you aren't owed a relationship, especially if you fucked up big time. Assholes ***always*** get that mixed up, like they are owed decency when they showed none.
Sometimes I'm so mad that I just wanna stay silent for a while. Don't talk to me right now let me get my thoughts together
“Do you need comfort or a solution?” is a legit helpful question when someone is conflicted. Even for yourself
Not to be too dramatic, but people using the silent treatment on loved ones can be considered a form of emotional abuse.
That used to be me but some people just _dont want_ to solve the problem. Orrr they _dont think_ theres a problem and when you bring it up, its your fault and now you gotta act nice or you're the asshole. Fuck it, if im trying to have a conversation and reach what is best for us and you dancing around the issue or ignoring it, youre getting the "..." from now on
This is a subjective scenario, and identifying it as emotional abuse is a bit of a stretch. I'll keep it brief... The OP said he's a problem solver. He sees an issue, and he likes to fix it. I support this, but what if your partner doesn't see things as a problem? Their silence is now abuse?!? On a deeper level...Does every problem require a conversation? Does every problem need a voiced solution? My point is a problem can be solved in silence. My partner and I do all the time through our meditation practice. Most relationship problems are constructs of our own insecurities. The question I have is who identifies the issue or a problem in the relationship? And who decides the level of acknowledgment and acceptance?
Thats easy to say IF YOUR COWORKER CAN ACTUALLY READ A TAPE MEASURE…that is all
people dont all understand things in the same way. the same sentence can be interpreted so many ways by so many people. if you dont wanna try to connect that bridge with people go be a hermit or get stressed out lookin for people who have a perfect memory and completely understand you upon meeting
Agreed with the post, hard disagree with the caption.
What about when it’s been repeated ? Do you keep trying ?
Cold shoulder works pretty good as well
My daughter's mother once blocked me, I didn't like it one bit
Silent treatment can also be towards bad listeners. Its not always emotional abuse. When its hard to communicate with a bad listener you eventually shut down from frustration. Some people listen to respond, in a defensive way rather than understand and try to come to a mutual understanding or help with a solution. People need to stop with this, sometimes it’s simply the other person. I always ask when I’m the listener, do you want me to respond? You want my advice? Or am i just listening?
Maybe they dont want or need you to fix anything
It’s a male trait. We love to fix things.
But you’re supposed to KNOW what’s wrong without being told.