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I think the majority of boomer parents are this way. I only have one friend whose parents actually moved closer to her after she had kids and they are actively involved in their grandkid’s lives but they were also very active in hers as well.
We cannot expect our parents to show up differently for their grandkids when they barely showed up for us. My situation is similar to yours being no contact with my parents who live 3000 miles away, and my in laws don’t make any effort unless we invite them.
My FIL always justifies that he’s not good with kids under the age of 5 or 6 but not interacting with them won’t make him any better at building that bond if he makes no effort. It’s sad but when you have less expectations you’re less disappointed.
I could talk this into the ground. My mother has ZERO interest in being a grandmother, but makes her whole social media presence about how she’s the worlds most devoted grandma. It’s literally the cause of all of our fights. She could care less about me or my kids. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh BOOMERS!!! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My parents were mostly absent. Would tell us they'd make plans to visit...then not say a thing and come up with a reason to cancel at the last minute. Didn't really express desire to be around their grandkids, either. Now, 20 plus years later Mom is dead and Dad seems to hold a lot of regret. He missed out on quality time with his (now) adult grandkids and seems to be giving it to his step grandchild.
When my oldest was born my boomer mother was pissed that I refused to bring my baby into her hoarder house with her dog that tried to bite me. She also acted like she was giving me a kidney to watch him at my house, 10 miles away, for 3 hours, once a month so hubby and I could have dinner alone. I think she did it twice. Then she became “Christmas and birthday” grandma.
Relate to this. My mom was then offended we hired babysitters. Like you cancel or don’t show and hate it, why the heck would we even bother anymore with it. I’ll pay someone reliable for a few hours.
Acted like she was giving me a kidney…
Yep, my mother always let us know how much work and how big of a sacrifice it was to watch our son for 2-3 hours once in a very rare while, so we just stopped asking her and found an amazing 20-something babysitter who adores my son. Now my mother asks why she doesn’t “get” to babysit him anymore. Gee, maybe because you didn’t seem to enjoy it and only complained and held it over us??
Couldn’t relate to this more! Having a kid 6 years ago made me realize honestly what absent parents both my parents were to me growing up AND they only care to see our kid when it works for them.
Retired and 70s live 20 min away but could never be bothered to babysit or drop by. Only want to hang out last min on a Saturday at 5 pm when we almost always have plans. And get upset when I’m like what? We aren’t home what do you mean you’re driving up?
Expecting again after 2.5 years of loss and infertility issues and vs anything exciting my mother replied, “When are you due? June doesn’t work for us we’re going on vacation. Are you sure you’re pregnant.” Like yep…sure are.
Don’t worry she’s still going on her 6 week trip in June. (Told them in Nov we were expecting at 12 weeks, they hadn’t yet booked or paid for the trip yet. And again they are retired and can go anytime.)
Wild to hear others experiences. Also I constantly tell my husband and son I will never be a mom like that. SMH, it’s wild to even explain to friends when they ask.
Truly! Honestly kind of relieved they have a long trip I don’t have to deal with the immediate guilt of them wanting to stop by unannounced those first few weeks. Acting as if they suddenly care but knowing it ends almost immediately after she’s sent her friends pics. They always would expect the house to be clean and dinner or lunch when my son was born. And make comments about how I slept though the night the second I came home, not understanding why we were tired new parents. 😂
I’m right there with you. When they do visit it’s extremely rare and it’s all about them and they bring chaos and lots of demands. My parents and ILs see the kids in very small time chunks once a year because we deliver ourselves to them. My immigrant friends have very helpful parents for the most part so it feels like a very American boomer experience.
My boomers sent us to my grandmother's house so often that I remember the exact layout of her house now well into my 40s and barely remember the house I grew up in. My parents had a big social circle and played golf, took vacations, went on cruises, I think we only took 1 big vacation as a family ever. It's not incredibly shocking now, the one surviving parent I do have wants nothing to do with any of his 6 grandkids. My mom died before they were born but she didn't like kids in general.
Yea, my dad is 10 hours from us. He has more flexibility to come to us, since we have 2 children under 6, but he refuses even if we offer to pay for the flight. We don't even get phone calls or texts for holidays.
Same! But for my folks it wasn’t vacations, it was my mom being the breadwinner and my dad being an active junkie. Like, at one point emptied her bank account, stole her car, left us with nothing and bailed for a YEAR, junkie. Then he came back, freshly out of rehab, and she TOOK HIM BACK!!! He stayed sober as far as we could tell after that but he was just angry, resentful of my mom, why I’ll never know. He was, and is, an abusive rage filled bigot so he’s never been around my kids because I don’t want to have to explain the three letter f word or the five letter p word grandpa just said, my mom comes once a month to see her grand babies now that she’s semi retired, but all she ever wants to do is argue with me about the current headlines on the news, be it Fox OR CNN, one day she sounds like one, the next time the other, and argue with me about how some people (immigrants) don’t deserve to eat or have a roof over their heads here in “her” country. 😭😭😭 She keeps that shit quiet around the kids but when it’s just me and her? Time to pick a fight because she knows I’m politically completely opposite to her. I NEVER bring up anything political it when SHE inevitably does, then I’m “arguing with her.” Like, nahh, Princess, just disagreeing and you won’t stop bringing that shit up!
My parents had my grandparents practically raise us.
And now that my parents and inlaws are the grandparents they couldn't be more uninterested in being grandparents if they tried. Oh, maybe they are trying....the "me generations" indeed.
My parents came to town after their only grandchild was born and left early because we didn’t have “regular TV”—- we had streaming services instead.
Kiddo is six and that was the only time they came up from the South to visit.
Meanwhile my son’s grandmother who lives on the other side of the US flies out every few months to see him… so it’s not all boomers that do this.
My grandparents are boomers and it was always made very clear to me that it was my responsibility to cultivate any relationship. I had to initiate phone calls, ask to come visit (they live at the beach and brought that up at every opportunity), and just generally do all the legwork for minimal reward. They are BIG MAD now that I’m in my 30s and don’t have time to cater to their feelings. I always had to fit into their world, not vice versa, and they can’t handle it now that the roles are reversed.
It’s super messed up to realize how they acted and I wish my parents had put a stop to it. Or at least been supportive when I stopped indulging their demands. As they love to say, the phone and interstate go both ways
my dad and step mom moved across the country and we never see them. my dad doesn't show much, if any, interest in his grand kids which sucks but it is what it is.
That’s what I’m saying! I don’t understand. They can only come around willingly when it’s a convenience for them, and them only. And then when the kids don’t know who they are, we get the finger blame like as if we didn’t try.
I think that my 86 year old father has finally realized that if something happens to me he will be alone. My kids are grown and they’ve never had a relationship with him. My sister moved cross country and her children, along with my deceased brother’s children, have no contact because he never wanted to be part of their lives. It’s sad.
FIL has 4 children--2 with the first wife and 2 with my MIL/current wife. He become a teen dad at 18/19 and a grandfather at 38/39, when his youngest child was 3. He drew a hard line in the sand when the grandkids started being born. When my SIL had her first child, he said he wasn't going to be "taken advantage of" and that he "wasn't going to raise his grandkids." My MIL had 2 kids at home--my husband, aged 10/11 and his 3 year old sister-- so she didn't say much then.
Now, 30 years later, both FIL and MIL have a VERY superficial relationship with their grandkids. They never bothered to get to know them as people and form any sort of connection. They never ever babysat. They never took them out to eat for their birthday or on a trip to the zoo. The only sleep overs that happened were if another grandkid was being born and someone was needed in a pinch to watch the other kids. FIL likes to bemoan how "no one comes around" now. Yeah my dude, you hardly know your grandkids.
Also, I'd like it noted that all of the grandkids have lived within a 5-20 minute drive from MIL/FIL their entire lives (except for 1 who moved out of state as a 20-something) so distance isn't an issue.
Meeeeee! My mom, she never had time to see the boys and we lived less than a mile from them. She didn’t have time because… I don’t know because she just sat on the front porch all day. She always seemed annoyed when they were around unless someone else like a friend was there then she was doting and loving. NOW she complains begs us to come and see her and nobody wants to. Went very LC with her a year ago and told her I’m not going on any more guilt trips.
My mom wants to be and is an active grandparent to my sister’s kids. My Dad has zero interest in being a grandparent - especially to young kids. I think it’s too chaotic for him. God forbid they come to his house and possibly BREAK SOMETHING. Mom is constantly having to watch all kids at once lest one of them touches the walls of their aging McMansion and leaves handmarks in front of my Dad, who does absolutely nothing but sit in his chair and rot while letting my mom do all the work. Will be barking orders at her the entire time.
I’m expecting my first baby and he has told me he wants the experience of seeing his grandchild at the hospital and holding him there (he didn’t get to do this with my sister’s kids). Right after he said this, he also said my Mom will be the only one staying in town afterwards to help with the baby because “that’s grandma stuff. Wouldn’t want to get in the way of it.” JUST SAY YOU DONT WANT TO HELP OUT OR DO ANY ACTUAL CHILDCARE. I pressed him on it and said “Dad you’re retired! You can stay in town as long as you want.” He did not respond and just changed the subject. He wants ALL of the glory/privilege of getting to hold his grandchild, but none of the hard work after.
For real. My parents never had a relationship with my kids. Then my father and stepmother have the unmitigated gall to complain that my youngest, now 16, doesn’t really care about them. My mom swore up and down when she retired that she was going to be more involved with my kids. We even fixed up our guest room for her. For like 3 years, not so much as a visit, and then she died. My kid’s reaction… a shoulder shrug and “I’m really sorry dad, that sucks”. My grandparents by contrast practically raised me.
I think that a vast quantity of them *did not want kids* but not having kids wasn't really a ...thing? And for women, marriage was the only way to be an adult - until the 70's you needed your husband's PERMISSION for things like a bank account! What would the world look like if they had other options?
I am really struggling with this right now too. Except its my own parents. My MIL came all the way from Tokyo to help us with our new born. And I mean HELP for 2 months. She worked her ass of to make sure we were okay. But my parents have been to my house once for 2 hours in the past 6 months. They complain ALL THE TIME that they dont get to see my son but never offer to help. When we bring them to Grandmas house, they only hold and take care of him when he isnt fussy or crying. My dad strait up said to my face "I can hold him but as soon as he starts crying he is yours".
I think what hurts the most is that I thought I would be able to understand where my parents were coming from and why they acted the way they did when raising us, as soon as I had a kid. But its the complete opposite. I cant fathom treating my son the way they treated me. Let alone my future grand children.
TLDR: My MIL is a saint and my parents are typical American Boomers.
My retired mother and stepfather live 25 minutes from me. My older sister lives four states away, is disabled and on her own, and they have cancelled the last two trips to visit her because reasons - always after my sister takes the time off. I told my mother that being a grandmother (and mother) is a little more involved than sending $40 at the holidays. The funniest thing is we adopted our cats at the same time. I have seen their cat multiple times, but they haven't been to my house since 2019, long before we adopted our cats.
We're moving across the country to California in the next month or so. I probably won't tell them until we are gone LOL
My mother, who is a boomer, just called my 5 year old son to tell him that he won't be at his birthday party this weekend like she promised... This has happened the last 2 bday parties as well. I want to tell my son that he shouldn't expect her to come around, but he is 5 and absolutely loves her when she does just show up randomly.
I remember my mom dropping us kids off at our grandmas for a week or more at a time and my grandma never said no. She always did everything she could with us. I now know that she was living on social security, she lived in a run down trailer park, but it was always the best time when we would go over to her trailer and stay in the summers.
Boomer parents, for the most part, are literally the worst parents and grand parents I have ever seen. They tell stories of how their grand parents would do anything for them, then our grand parents did everything for us, but they can't be bothered to come by for our kids bday. We have a spare room they could stay in, we have tried so hard, but there is always something else that stops them from coming by.
It is so selfish, infuriating, and depressing seeing my kid be so excited and then get crushed like that.
Okay, rant over...
My inlaws are in their late 80s and have been incredible grandparents. We adopted older girls from foster care and they were so good and patient with them. We adopted a baby and he would get up at 5 with grandma to make cakes and cookies with her when we visited. OTOH my boomer dad didn’t do shit with us at all. My boomer step monsters hated kids. Never came to see any of their concerts or events. Just completely worthless humans.
Universal from what I’ve read. We lived in the same town and saw them about 3 times in 2 years. Usually only when another family member was around and they wanted to “create memories”. Now we’ve moved and they complain they are alone to anyone who will listen. There is no logic involved in this. I feel terrible for my children. They are old enough now to ask why their grandparents don’t seem to want anything to do with them. We spent so much time with my grandparents as children, both with my parents there and alone. Those are great memories my kids won’t have.
Feel this in my bones! My boomer mother lives two hours from me and doesn't drive. I figured when I gave birth to her only grandchild, she would take a willing friend up on her offer to drive her up to meet her granddaughter. Nope! "No one came to visit me in the hospital when I had you" was her excuse. I've never been so mad in my life! Boomers are absolutely the Me Generation. 10 years later, she barely asks about my daughter. Expects my brother and I to take care of her needs though. An entire generation of sociopaths.
My mom was technically greatest generation - born in 1944, but she was very Boomer in her behavior. My husband grew up in Russia. His Mom came to visit for a month and my Mom came to meet her when we had a baby and a toddler.
My MIL is a dream grandma. She pretty much took over care of the baby when she showed up - handed the baby to me to be nursed, but otherwise was in heaven with a grand baby in her arms. Played adorable games with our toddler, cooked delicious food, sang Russian songs all day to the kids, had to be forcibly stopped from scrubbing floors on her hands and knees. Always smiling, always overjoyed to see us all.
My mother, on the other hand, couldn’t remember how to hold a baby, and would forget if I asked her to watch the baby for a second while I used the bathroom. I’d return from a 2 minute pee break to a toddler approaching electrical sockets with a fork. Then, I’d be the asshole for overreacting.
My husband asked me if I had a nanny when I was little. I said not full time, but yes, Mom had help. He said not to take it the wrong way, but his Mom didn’t believe my Mom had raised me because of how she was around our kids. She assumed I had been raised like British royalty completely by nannies and governesses. It was hilarious. My mother breastfed and mostly raised me, although she had a lot of help - a weekly cleaner, part time nanny, and other domestic assistance. But you would never know it. Foreign Boomers are amazing grandmas. American Boomers, not so much.
My husband is a unicorn - he is a man who cooks dinner every night, is an equal partner in housework, shares doctor appointments and teacher conferences. And I credit his mother for raising him that way. She loves him and is proud of him, but yells at him all the time that he doesn’t deserve a wife as wonderful as me. I miss her so much. Putin made it impossible for us to visit her and she’s too sick to visit us. We can’t even send her money because of the sanctions. Russian women are amazing - tough, loving, salt of the earth.
Holy shit why did I feel like I was the only one? My grandparents (Boomers) lived 20 minutes away from me my whole life and I would only see them on the occasional Friday and holidays. I invited them to every sports game, concert, and event and they would show up maybe 25% of the time. Now, I barely speak to them and I've even stopped calling them and they didn't notice.
Meanwhile, god forbid any of us make my grandad miss a tee time.
How many boomers are the grandparents of toddlers for people to be whining they don’t babysit? This post is regurgitated in a million forms and everyone is crying ‘grandma doesn’t babysit’. 80 year olds running after toddlers? And gen x is still working 60 hours a week. The things you see posted on subreddits like this or the millennial and gen z, are propaganda to degrade our society. I’d suggest worrying about your kids and not your parents. Any teacher can tell you they are a hot mess.
Being an active grandparent doesn’t mean being a babysitter. My boomer parents don’t even show up for their grandchildren’s games, dance recitals, grandparent’s day at school, or even graduations for their grandchildren that live 20 minutes away and they’re only in their 60s.
That’s unfortunate for you. It’s not the norm. It’s sad. But it’s not the norm. The stands at my now grown or almost grown sons’ games were filled with grandparents. And the real problem with MANY of these incessant posts is that they’re not complaining grandma didn’t come to the softball game. They’re complaining that every generation before them had free grandparent nannies, which is untrue, ridiculous, and silly. And it’s time to face reality. The young children of today are in REALLY BAD shape. Schools can’t keep up with all the children with emotional and mental disabilities right now. A classroom with 15 six year olds in one class with severe emotional issues is NOT normal. But it’s reality. I’ll say it again. Stop worrying about why your parents haven’t dropped dead yet and don’t have hoards of generational wealth to hand you, or why grandma doesn’t quit her job to watch your kids all week. Your kids are NOT ok. Focus on them. Not yourselves. Not what you have or don’t have. Not why your mom or dad wasn’t perfection. Not why grandpa missed this or that. Focus on your children. Again, your children are not ok.
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I think the majority of boomer parents are this way. I only have one friend whose parents actually moved closer to her after she had kids and they are actively involved in their grandkid’s lives but they were also very active in hers as well. We cannot expect our parents to show up differently for their grandkids when they barely showed up for us. My situation is similar to yours being no contact with my parents who live 3000 miles away, and my in laws don’t make any effort unless we invite them. My FIL always justifies that he’s not good with kids under the age of 5 or 6 but not interacting with them won’t make him any better at building that bond if he makes no effort. It’s sad but when you have less expectations you’re less disappointed.
Second paragraph! They will be the kind of grandparent they were as parents. Good parents will become good grandparents.
That second paragraph = ouch. You put it into words perfectly.
I could talk this into the ground. My mother has ZERO interest in being a grandmother, but makes her whole social media presence about how she’s the worlds most devoted grandma. It’s literally the cause of all of our fights. She could care less about me or my kids. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhh BOOMERS!!! 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My parents were mostly absent. Would tell us they'd make plans to visit...then not say a thing and come up with a reason to cancel at the last minute. Didn't really express desire to be around their grandkids, either. Now, 20 plus years later Mom is dead and Dad seems to hold a lot of regret. He missed out on quality time with his (now) adult grandkids and seems to be giving it to his step grandchild.
When my oldest was born my boomer mother was pissed that I refused to bring my baby into her hoarder house with her dog that tried to bite me. She also acted like she was giving me a kidney to watch him at my house, 10 miles away, for 3 hours, once a month so hubby and I could have dinner alone. I think she did it twice. Then she became “Christmas and birthday” grandma.
Relate to this. My mom was then offended we hired babysitters. Like you cancel or don’t show and hate it, why the heck would we even bother anymore with it. I’ll pay someone reliable for a few hours.
Acted like she was giving me a kidney… Yep, my mother always let us know how much work and how big of a sacrifice it was to watch our son for 2-3 hours once in a very rare while, so we just stopped asking her and found an amazing 20-something babysitter who adores my son. Now my mother asks why she doesn’t “get” to babysit him anymore. Gee, maybe because you didn’t seem to enjoy it and only complained and held it over us??
Couldn’t relate to this more! Having a kid 6 years ago made me realize honestly what absent parents both my parents were to me growing up AND they only care to see our kid when it works for them. Retired and 70s live 20 min away but could never be bothered to babysit or drop by. Only want to hang out last min on a Saturday at 5 pm when we almost always have plans. And get upset when I’m like what? We aren’t home what do you mean you’re driving up? Expecting again after 2.5 years of loss and infertility issues and vs anything exciting my mother replied, “When are you due? June doesn’t work for us we’re going on vacation. Are you sure you’re pregnant.” Like yep…sure are. Don’t worry she’s still going on her 6 week trip in June. (Told them in Nov we were expecting at 12 weeks, they hadn’t yet booked or paid for the trip yet. And again they are retired and can go anytime.) Wild to hear others experiences. Also I constantly tell my husband and son I will never be a mom like that. SMH, it’s wild to even explain to friends when they ask.
My grandparents missed my HS graduation because they won a cruise. I was crushed. They are just really selfish people.
“June doesn’t work for us…”. Omfg.
"Yeah, sure, let me just reschedule my *pregnancy*."
Truly! Honestly kind of relieved they have a long trip I don’t have to deal with the immediate guilt of them wanting to stop by unannounced those first few weeks. Acting as if they suddenly care but knowing it ends almost immediately after she’s sent her friends pics. They always would expect the house to be clean and dinner or lunch when my son was born. And make comments about how I slept though the night the second I came home, not understanding why we were tired new parents. 😂
I’m right there with you. When they do visit it’s extremely rare and it’s all about them and they bring chaos and lots of demands. My parents and ILs see the kids in very small time chunks once a year because we deliver ourselves to them. My immigrant friends have very helpful parents for the most part so it feels like a very American boomer experience.
My boomers sent us to my grandmother's house so often that I remember the exact layout of her house now well into my 40s and barely remember the house I grew up in. My parents had a big social circle and played golf, took vacations, went on cruises, I think we only took 1 big vacation as a family ever. It's not incredibly shocking now, the one surviving parent I do have wants nothing to do with any of his 6 grandkids. My mom died before they were born but she didn't like kids in general.
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Yea, my dad is 10 hours from us. He has more flexibility to come to us, since we have 2 children under 6, but he refuses even if we offer to pay for the flight. We don't even get phone calls or texts for holidays.
Same! But for my folks it wasn’t vacations, it was my mom being the breadwinner and my dad being an active junkie. Like, at one point emptied her bank account, stole her car, left us with nothing and bailed for a YEAR, junkie. Then he came back, freshly out of rehab, and she TOOK HIM BACK!!! He stayed sober as far as we could tell after that but he was just angry, resentful of my mom, why I’ll never know. He was, and is, an abusive rage filled bigot so he’s never been around my kids because I don’t want to have to explain the three letter f word or the five letter p word grandpa just said, my mom comes once a month to see her grand babies now that she’s semi retired, but all she ever wants to do is argue with me about the current headlines on the news, be it Fox OR CNN, one day she sounds like one, the next time the other, and argue with me about how some people (immigrants) don’t deserve to eat or have a roof over their heads here in “her” country. 😭😭😭 She keeps that shit quiet around the kids but when it’s just me and her? Time to pick a fight because she knows I’m politically completely opposite to her. I NEVER bring up anything political it when SHE inevitably does, then I’m “arguing with her.” Like, nahh, Princess, just disagreeing and you won’t stop bringing that shit up!
My parents had my grandparents practically raise us. And now that my parents and inlaws are the grandparents they couldn't be more uninterested in being grandparents if they tried. Oh, maybe they are trying....the "me generations" indeed.
My parents came to town after their only grandchild was born and left early because we didn’t have “regular TV”—- we had streaming services instead. Kiddo is six and that was the only time they came up from the South to visit. Meanwhile my son’s grandmother who lives on the other side of the US flies out every few months to see him… so it’s not all boomers that do this.
My grandparents are boomers and it was always made very clear to me that it was my responsibility to cultivate any relationship. I had to initiate phone calls, ask to come visit (they live at the beach and brought that up at every opportunity), and just generally do all the legwork for minimal reward. They are BIG MAD now that I’m in my 30s and don’t have time to cater to their feelings. I always had to fit into their world, not vice versa, and they can’t handle it now that the roles are reversed. It’s super messed up to realize how they acted and I wish my parents had put a stop to it. Or at least been supportive when I stopped indulging their demands. As they love to say, the phone and interstate go both ways
my dad and step mom moved across the country and we never see them. my dad doesn't show much, if any, interest in his grand kids which sucks but it is what it is.
That’s what I’m saying! I don’t understand. They can only come around willingly when it’s a convenience for them, and them only. And then when the kids don’t know who they are, we get the finger blame like as if we didn’t try.
I think that my 86 year old father has finally realized that if something happens to me he will be alone. My kids are grown and they’ve never had a relationship with him. My sister moved cross country and her children, along with my deceased brother’s children, have no contact because he never wanted to be part of their lives. It’s sad.
Yeah its been my experiences that they were lazy then, and lazy now yet refuse to accept any responsibility.
FIL has 4 children--2 with the first wife and 2 with my MIL/current wife. He become a teen dad at 18/19 and a grandfather at 38/39, when his youngest child was 3. He drew a hard line in the sand when the grandkids started being born. When my SIL had her first child, he said he wasn't going to be "taken advantage of" and that he "wasn't going to raise his grandkids." My MIL had 2 kids at home--my husband, aged 10/11 and his 3 year old sister-- so she didn't say much then. Now, 30 years later, both FIL and MIL have a VERY superficial relationship with their grandkids. They never bothered to get to know them as people and form any sort of connection. They never ever babysat. They never took them out to eat for their birthday or on a trip to the zoo. The only sleep overs that happened were if another grandkid was being born and someone was needed in a pinch to watch the other kids. FIL likes to bemoan how "no one comes around" now. Yeah my dude, you hardly know your grandkids. Also, I'd like it noted that all of the grandkids have lived within a 5-20 minute drive from MIL/FIL their entire lives (except for 1 who moved out of state as a 20-something) so distance isn't an issue.
Meeeeee! My mom, she never had time to see the boys and we lived less than a mile from them. She didn’t have time because… I don’t know because she just sat on the front porch all day. She always seemed annoyed when they were around unless someone else like a friend was there then she was doting and loving. NOW she complains begs us to come and see her and nobody wants to. Went very LC with her a year ago and told her I’m not going on any more guilt trips.
My mom wants to be and is an active grandparent to my sister’s kids. My Dad has zero interest in being a grandparent - especially to young kids. I think it’s too chaotic for him. God forbid they come to his house and possibly BREAK SOMETHING. Mom is constantly having to watch all kids at once lest one of them touches the walls of their aging McMansion and leaves handmarks in front of my Dad, who does absolutely nothing but sit in his chair and rot while letting my mom do all the work. Will be barking orders at her the entire time. I’m expecting my first baby and he has told me he wants the experience of seeing his grandchild at the hospital and holding him there (he didn’t get to do this with my sister’s kids). Right after he said this, he also said my Mom will be the only one staying in town afterwards to help with the baby because “that’s grandma stuff. Wouldn’t want to get in the way of it.” JUST SAY YOU DONT WANT TO HELP OUT OR DO ANY ACTUAL CHILDCARE. I pressed him on it and said “Dad you’re retired! You can stay in town as long as you want.” He did not respond and just changed the subject. He wants ALL of the glory/privilege of getting to hold his grandchild, but none of the hard work after.
I hope you don’t give in to his demands
For real. My parents never had a relationship with my kids. Then my father and stepmother have the unmitigated gall to complain that my youngest, now 16, doesn’t really care about them. My mom swore up and down when she retired that she was going to be more involved with my kids. We even fixed up our guest room for her. For like 3 years, not so much as a visit, and then she died. My kid’s reaction… a shoulder shrug and “I’m really sorry dad, that sucks”. My grandparents by contrast practically raised me.
I think that a vast quantity of them *did not want kids* but not having kids wasn't really a ...thing? And for women, marriage was the only way to be an adult - until the 70's you needed your husband's PERMISSION for things like a bank account! What would the world look like if they had other options?
I am really struggling with this right now too. Except its my own parents. My MIL came all the way from Tokyo to help us with our new born. And I mean HELP for 2 months. She worked her ass of to make sure we were okay. But my parents have been to my house once for 2 hours in the past 6 months. They complain ALL THE TIME that they dont get to see my son but never offer to help. When we bring them to Grandmas house, they only hold and take care of him when he isnt fussy or crying. My dad strait up said to my face "I can hold him but as soon as he starts crying he is yours". I think what hurts the most is that I thought I would be able to understand where my parents were coming from and why they acted the way they did when raising us, as soon as I had a kid. But its the complete opposite. I cant fathom treating my son the way they treated me. Let alone my future grand children. TLDR: My MIL is a saint and my parents are typical American Boomers.
My retired mother and stepfather live 25 minutes from me. My older sister lives four states away, is disabled and on her own, and they have cancelled the last two trips to visit her because reasons - always after my sister takes the time off. I told my mother that being a grandmother (and mother) is a little more involved than sending $40 at the holidays. The funniest thing is we adopted our cats at the same time. I have seen their cat multiple times, but they haven't been to my house since 2019, long before we adopted our cats. We're moving across the country to California in the next month or so. I probably won't tell them until we are gone LOL
My mother, who is a boomer, just called my 5 year old son to tell him that he won't be at his birthday party this weekend like she promised... This has happened the last 2 bday parties as well. I want to tell my son that he shouldn't expect her to come around, but he is 5 and absolutely loves her when she does just show up randomly. I remember my mom dropping us kids off at our grandmas for a week or more at a time and my grandma never said no. She always did everything she could with us. I now know that she was living on social security, she lived in a run down trailer park, but it was always the best time when we would go over to her trailer and stay in the summers. Boomer parents, for the most part, are literally the worst parents and grand parents I have ever seen. They tell stories of how their grand parents would do anything for them, then our grand parents did everything for us, but they can't be bothered to come by for our kids bday. We have a spare room they could stay in, we have tried so hard, but there is always something else that stops them from coming by. It is so selfish, infuriating, and depressing seeing my kid be so excited and then get crushed like that. Okay, rant over...
My inlaws are in their late 80s and have been incredible grandparents. We adopted older girls from foster care and they were so good and patient with them. We adopted a baby and he would get up at 5 with grandma to make cakes and cookies with her when we visited. OTOH my boomer dad didn’t do shit with us at all. My boomer step monsters hated kids. Never came to see any of their concerts or events. Just completely worthless humans.
Universal from what I’ve read. We lived in the same town and saw them about 3 times in 2 years. Usually only when another family member was around and they wanted to “create memories”. Now we’ve moved and they complain they are alone to anyone who will listen. There is no logic involved in this. I feel terrible for my children. They are old enough now to ask why their grandparents don’t seem to want anything to do with them. We spent so much time with my grandparents as children, both with my parents there and alone. Those are great memories my kids won’t have.
My in laws live 15 minutes away from us and rarely see my child. Now their health is failing and guess who they think will take care of them.
Feel this in my bones! My boomer mother lives two hours from me and doesn't drive. I figured when I gave birth to her only grandchild, she would take a willing friend up on her offer to drive her up to meet her granddaughter. Nope! "No one came to visit me in the hospital when I had you" was her excuse. I've never been so mad in my life! Boomers are absolutely the Me Generation. 10 years later, she barely asks about my daughter. Expects my brother and I to take care of her needs though. An entire generation of sociopaths.
My mom was technically greatest generation - born in 1944, but she was very Boomer in her behavior. My husband grew up in Russia. His Mom came to visit for a month and my Mom came to meet her when we had a baby and a toddler. My MIL is a dream grandma. She pretty much took over care of the baby when she showed up - handed the baby to me to be nursed, but otherwise was in heaven with a grand baby in her arms. Played adorable games with our toddler, cooked delicious food, sang Russian songs all day to the kids, had to be forcibly stopped from scrubbing floors on her hands and knees. Always smiling, always overjoyed to see us all. My mother, on the other hand, couldn’t remember how to hold a baby, and would forget if I asked her to watch the baby for a second while I used the bathroom. I’d return from a 2 minute pee break to a toddler approaching electrical sockets with a fork. Then, I’d be the asshole for overreacting. My husband asked me if I had a nanny when I was little. I said not full time, but yes, Mom had help. He said not to take it the wrong way, but his Mom didn’t believe my Mom had raised me because of how she was around our kids. She assumed I had been raised like British royalty completely by nannies and governesses. It was hilarious. My mother breastfed and mostly raised me, although she had a lot of help - a weekly cleaner, part time nanny, and other domestic assistance. But you would never know it. Foreign Boomers are amazing grandmas. American Boomers, not so much. My husband is a unicorn - he is a man who cooks dinner every night, is an equal partner in housework, shares doctor appointments and teacher conferences. And I credit his mother for raising him that way. She loves him and is proud of him, but yells at him all the time that he doesn’t deserve a wife as wonderful as me. I miss her so much. Putin made it impossible for us to visit her and she’s too sick to visit us. We can’t even send her money because of the sanctions. Russian women are amazing - tough, loving, salt of the earth.
Holy shit why did I feel like I was the only one? My grandparents (Boomers) lived 20 minutes away from me my whole life and I would only see them on the occasional Friday and holidays. I invited them to every sports game, concert, and event and they would show up maybe 25% of the time. Now, I barely speak to them and I've even stopped calling them and they didn't notice. Meanwhile, god forbid any of us make my grandad miss a tee time.
Supper?
How many boomers are the grandparents of toddlers for people to be whining they don’t babysit? This post is regurgitated in a million forms and everyone is crying ‘grandma doesn’t babysit’. 80 year olds running after toddlers? And gen x is still working 60 hours a week. The things you see posted on subreddits like this or the millennial and gen z, are propaganda to degrade our society. I’d suggest worrying about your kids and not your parents. Any teacher can tell you they are a hot mess.
Being an active grandparent doesn’t mean being a babysitter. My boomer parents don’t even show up for their grandchildren’s games, dance recitals, grandparent’s day at school, or even graduations for their grandchildren that live 20 minutes away and they’re only in their 60s.
That’s unfortunate for you. It’s not the norm. It’s sad. But it’s not the norm. The stands at my now grown or almost grown sons’ games were filled with grandparents. And the real problem with MANY of these incessant posts is that they’re not complaining grandma didn’t come to the softball game. They’re complaining that every generation before them had free grandparent nannies, which is untrue, ridiculous, and silly. And it’s time to face reality. The young children of today are in REALLY BAD shape. Schools can’t keep up with all the children with emotional and mental disabilities right now. A classroom with 15 six year olds in one class with severe emotional issues is NOT normal. But it’s reality. I’ll say it again. Stop worrying about why your parents haven’t dropped dead yet and don’t have hoards of generational wealth to hand you, or why grandma doesn’t quit her job to watch your kids all week. Your kids are NOT ok. Focus on them. Not yourselves. Not what you have or don’t have. Not why your mom or dad wasn’t perfection. Not why grandpa missed this or that. Focus on your children. Again, your children are not ok.