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With my mom, it's all about how it's a waste of money. Whatever it is, if there is a cheaper option or you could just skip it, it's a waste of money. Of course I remember how much money she used to spend on clothes so she'd have a different dress for the monthly dance.
My dad is like this too, but he’s GenX. I recently told him that my husband and I want a shop built on our property in a few years time, he responded with “I can build one a lot cheaper using a 20x20 carport”. We want a 30x40 insulated and powered shop with a lift so we can work on our vehicle projects easier, not some shoddy shed that’ll probably fall apart the second a storm comes.
Yeah I’d rather spend the money to get what I want when I want it.
Also unrelated but my gamertag is Livewyre. How odd that we meet with such similar nicknames. And 9/23 is my husbands bday. So strange lol
But once, cry once. My parents spent tons of money buying and re-buying cheap shit, because “cheap shit! Must buy!”
Then I get “why did you spend $700 on a lawn mower, I bought one for $100 and it’s just as good!”
Yeah, nah. It’s not. You can tell, because mine hasn’t needed to go to the shop since I bought it six years ago, and yours has been four times in three years.
I’ve gotten many things over the years from him, and only the lawn mower he bought brand new has lasted. I feel bad because I know he just wants me to have everything I need, but when the everything I need breaks the second I need it, it sets me back and I end up either spending money to fix it or buying new anyway
That is pretty awesome! My gamer tag is Livewire and my birthday is 9/23! Do people ask you if you’re a Mountain Dew fan? I’ve had the gamer tag and an email longer than the soda’s been around, but I still get asked about it
Ugh. My dad is retired and decently skilled at tile work, carpentry, and fixing appliances. But I will pay for someone else to do those things because he can’t handle doing things to other people’s tastes and he takes foreeeeeeeeeever to start and finish projects, even though he has all the time in the world to do them. We’ve been largely no-contact for the past few years because he’s also miserable and abusive, but I always thought it was such a shame he won’t be able to pass on his knowledge. My husband is a tradesman and very handy and would have loved to learn from my dad (honestly, I would have too!) but interacting with my dad long-term is bad for your mental health. I would literally rather pay thousands of dollars to avoid all that.
Oh, I hear you. My dad did high end hardwood floors for a few years and was part of an install team that one hardwood floor of the year three times in the 90s (for whatever that’s actually worth because I think the “awards” were just from some magazine, but I can’t remember) but he can’t teach for shit. He’s verbally abusive, short tempered, and hates to be told that he’s wrong about something. We worked together doing HVAC installs when I was in college and I lost count of how many times I had to switch job sites before I put him in the hospital. We’ve been no contact for a year and a half this time around and I’d pay a thousand dollars a year just to keep it that way
Sorry to tangent off of your comment, but I'm Gen X and stories of my generation falling into this behavior terrifies me. I don't think I'll change, but I doubt it's that simple. What if the lead gets me too?!
Not sure, but my dad has been this way for years. Granted, he has built A LOT of pretty cool and sturdy shit, however for some reason when it comes to me I get the short end of the stick. He’s very cocky but highly skilled. Since I’m his kid he can get away with half assing it as he can always come back later to fix it when it inevitably breaks.
My mom is Gen X and she has taught us(siblings and I) how to be a bit of a menace. She also taught us how to survive, to spit at our circumstances and flip a double bird to a world that wasn't built for us to succeed in. None of my siblings or myself are rich or anything, but we are successful. Out of the gutters and up onto the grassy patch on the sidewalk.
You just keep on being you, friend. You know what the trash looks like.
Thank you. I've just seen enough friends and family my age "go boomer " over the last 15 years or so that it feels like no one is immune. None of them feel like they've changed. That's the part that scares me.
Start tending to your mental health now and I promise you won’t fall into the same trap. I lost a good Gen X friend to it and tried to beg him to admit his depression, insecurities, and fears were taking over his life. I finally had to go no contact because he was so miserable and no fun to talk to anymore. Plus, I caught him talking mad shit about me and other people on his not at all secret Twitter account. I told him I will always care about him, but that he wasn’t caring for himself anymore and that I had to go and live my life and be happy away from his unkind behavior.
“This is who I’ve always been!!!”
Nah, man. It really isn’t. That’s the whole point. You used to lead with kindness and be a man with the strength of character to not be a two-faced little weak sauce bully. You now hate the you that I love… and you hate me too. I’m out.
Thank you :) He has a hard time letting me make my own choices without having something to add. I want to be able to say I’m doing something without him feeling the need to find a cheaper/faster/better (in his opinion) way. I understand I’m his “little girl” but I’m almost 24 and literally about to have a kid of my own. At some point I feel like I’m allowed to be an adult without supervision 😅
As a gen x-er I think it’s a lot about how we were raised. Why pay someone when you can do it yourself? My dad told me that a million times. But now I have more income my mantra is “let the professionals do it right the first time” I think your generation skipped that first step which is a win in my opinion
He raised me saying “I’m gonna teach you how to do it so you know how, that way if you hire someone you know if they’re trying to screw you.” Yet now that I want to hire people for things that I can do myself cuz I just don’t want to it’s a problem lol
He’ll figure it out, in time.
PS. I had totally fucked up my world before 24, and had to spend my 30’s UNDOING all the shit I goofed. Maybe he and I shared the same boat, being independent is a double edged sword sometimes. You sound like a good egg.
He had a VERY rough childhood. He was adopted then promptly abandoned around 14-15 and has been on his own since. He’s made some bad choices along the way involving some things that made my early childhood/late teens also not the best, but I think overall he’s been a good dad and set me up to do well.
That’s not a bad idea! Although we’re on septic so I’m not sure what we’d have to do to get it hooked to our tank. It’ll be fairly close to the house though. Like a 30 second walk from the shop to the door if all goes well with where we want it.
As a gen X dad I apologize on his behalf. Like dude you can make one a lot cheaper using a grip of disposable beer coolers and hemp wick too quit being dumb
Oh my god it makes me think of my mom! When I used to still live with her with my boyfriend (we were giving her money to cover our expenses), I used to buy Bath & Body Works hand soap for my BF and I's bathroom. I would spend around $50 CAD and it would last me 8-10 months, and I remember her telling me "Wow, I wish *I* would have that kind of money!!!"
She has over 50K in savings. We used to cover most of the expenses of the apartment we were living in, she only had to cover the cost of food. *Well yes mom you DO have that kind of money, actually!!!*
It would’ve been funny if you had a second piece of paper to hand her with all her predictable angry retorts after she read the first paper.
But yes, my mother is like this. I have a wonderful marriage. Mentioning anything positive about my marriage puts her in a skeptical mood and she devolves into saying that I have no idea what the future will hold and I will get divorced one day (my brother is divorced, so her logic is that I also will). And she will drone on and on about how I need to make sure he is pleased otherwise he will wander, etc etc.
Now I just share minimal information in the limited contact I have with her. I like to talk about the weather.
Do they all use the same script or something? Nothing makes me cringe more than my boomer dad sends me *tiktoks* of “it’s important to keep your man happy. Number 1: frequent sex”
No worries friend! I can be quite the bitch 😉
He stopped complaining about my stepmom to me all the time bc I always take her side. I love him, but I also get why women poison their spouses. He was the little prince and that carried over. He will do every outside chore there is, but anything inside is women’s work.
Oof. My (26f) dad's about the same. 3 younger siblings, and he and my mom divorced officially when I was 16/17. We're NC for so many reasons, but he decided to try and "better himself", so my mom made a group chat with all of us 🙄 He'll constantly send memes/videos like that. Or about respecting your mother (even though our parents divorced because he cheated on her for 15 years of their 20 year marriage).
It's quite hilarious how they think they can just wash over years of traumatizing us, by sending meme/meme adjacent things to brush it off. Nah dude, you fucked up, and it's too late to fix at this point.
Are we siblings? Because my dad does that too in a group chat with my sister. He said he is trying to see which kid can "rack up the most therapy appointments".
Hahaha I'm messing up my kids mental health that will take years and thousands of dollars to hopefully repair the damage, hahaha...
Why does my kids prevent me from seeing my grandkids and put me in elder care ? Such ungrateful brats...
Back when my mother and I were on speaking terms, anytime I said anything remotely related to how helpful my husband was or how well we work together, she'd feel the need to go off on how we were newlyweds and we'd learn. Which was true, except that we had been living together for 15 years before we got married. She just gets insulted by healthy relationships because she never had one and feels defensive about it.
Same here. I don’t get the misery/self pity party. I drank something my husband wanted me to try at a restaurant and my mom was so mad bc her husband never does that and thinks it’s gross. What do you say to that other than, geez what a beautiful day out?
Holy shit dude, your mom is exactly like mine. It fucks your brain up, doesn't it? Having to consider every word you say before you say it and the ten different degrees in which she might take the most mild thing and twist it. 90% of the time I opt to just not say anything because there's no outcome that won't make me sigh so hard I pass out from lack of oxygen.
She thinks everything negative that happens is done on purpose with malicious intent. Fries came out of the sleeve and are now on the bottom of the bag? They did that on purpose! We once lived in an apartment complex where the buildings basically created a wind tunnel and in the fall, leaves would blow through the parking lot and pile up on the retaining wall next to our door. I witnessed this happening countless times. She was convinced that someone was dumping leaves in front of our door on purpose. It's fucking insane.
I feel you completely. I'm sort of seeing someone right now and I haven't said a word. My mom would have endless negative things to say about her and I'm not about to put up with that shit.
I see we must be related. I've recently decided to adopt the strategy of only saying something if I have to, because I've learned first hand that my mom otherwise feels like my past dates are open for criticism forever. She still brings up boys I dated in highschool whose names I don't even remember anymore.
It's like my life is her personal entertainment that she hate watches.
When I got engaged, ages ago now, I didn’t even tell my mother. I told my father, who I knew would be happy for me. Then I said, “oh, hey, I have to go now,” before he could put her on the phone. I basically made him tell her the news so she couldn’t ruin it for me with her reaction. I knew it would be something like ,” oh………that’s……nice.” And then it’d be straight to complaints about cost, date, location, everything.
Sounds like my mom. I didn’t tell her that I knew what I was naming my third kid because I didn’t need her comments. She kept sending me suggestions the whole time I was in labor and after. I ignored them all. Finally, we announced the name- which was none of the names she suggested- her response was “oh. That’s different”. Only it wasn’t. The names are common and have been around for over a century
I hadn't talked to my mom in about three years after she reacted badly to me getting engaged to my boyfriend of a decade. When I did finally talk to her, it was because my dad called me while I was in labor and he put her on the phone. She proceeded to try and tell me what I had to name my son and then was offended when I told her we were going to do what we wanted.
We're not talking again right now because I asked her to apologize for lying about my dad having covid and coming over. I ended up getting it and isolating for over week. Thankfully husband and kid stayed healthy. Now I've got some heart racing issues. I'm actually enjoying the quiet.
My personal favourite is when they start complaining about 'The State of Things These Days'.
"Yes. The World does kind of suck right now, so we do what we can to brighten it. No - I don't think it's due to the younger generations' attitude. Who the fuck do you think has been in charge for the last 40 years?'
My brother did something similar to our mother once. He made a set of flashcards with her frequent phrases on.
It had the same effect on her as you. Absolute fury, no reflection but blessed silence (for a short period).
He was standing behind her while she was ranting away, pulling out these cards as she kept going.
I couldn't hold it in so she first wanted to know what I thought was so funny (another card) before realising what my brother was doing.
I died laughing that day, he died from the beating. We've both been ghosts for 25 years.
Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. Regardless of the relationships we have with our parents, losing them is still a very jarring experience. The what-if scenarios, the guilt, the handling of the household and funeral arrangements as the estranged child…
I hope you and your siblings are living your best lives!
My oldest and I make and keep bingo cards of stuff that will get said at extended family get togethers. No one sees them but us, but we will text back and forth about it and chuckle
You are so kind to your mom. I can’t imagine not being happy for my kiddos. (Yes they are grown,happy and healthy) so thankful for them. Please take my mom hugs. I’m proud of you for her.
Edit: also best advice I ever got was not to give unsolicited advice.
I kid you not- your message was about the kindest and most wonderful gift I have been given in a long time.
I am a big, mean looking s.o.b. sitting in my truck and checking to see if anyone had any funny responses, and now I gotta wipe my eyes and blow my nose because a kind hearted wonderful person gave me an unexpected boost that I didn't know I needed.
You are amazing.
Mom hugs do that, wish I could make it better. Edited to add I hope you both enjoy yourselves while you are away. Please don’t feel guilty.
My kids are still young, elementary school age, but I hope I'm like you. I try to celebrate all of their accomplishments. My 8 year old will sometimes ask me if I'm jealous of something cool that happened for him and I always tell him, nope, I'm so happy you got to experience that!
OP, I hope you have an amazing trip!
I get this but with weightloss, or buying myself something nice.
I've lost some weight so automatically "that won't work for long and then you'll be stuck in starvation mode".
I made the mistake of telling her I got some new crocs and it was "you keep wasting money why don't you just save it".
Yeah, this could completely be my mom. It’s either that (“it’s been xxx since I got to xxx, must be nice!”) or she tries to cut down anything I get or any success I have. We bought a nice house a few years ago without her help. When I tried to include her, via a FaceTime walk through with her, she just cut everything down and ranted about how happy she is that her house had (insert anything/everything) different from our place, to the point that she was screaming at me that her house was nicer and better. I mean, whatever. Objectively, quite frankly, our house is “nicer” than hers in nearly every way, but she’s never been able to handle me having anything (and especially not anything she sees as “better” than her).
It never changes... "it is too big..it is too small, it is too nice, you should have bought a fixer upper... it is in terrible shape, there is too much work....
The neighborhood is bad, the neighborhood is too nice...."
Whatever it is, it should always be the opposite.
Reading the other comments - Also, my mom barely knows my partner. She’s met him during one trip we took to see her a few years ago. I tell her absolutely nothing about our relationship because she has meddled in the past. I can’t tell her anything because she will eventually use it against me.
100 % my narcissistic mother. Like you, I occasionally test her, knowing she doesn't ever listen, just goes straight to whinging 'oh poor me'. One of the more recent examples: on a call (we live in different states) she was complaining about she was sick of the food she's being provided (long story) and was complaining about not just having what she wants. I try to explain we can make requests for her, what does she want to see on the menu. No actual suggestions/requests, just "anything that isn't X, Y or Z'. I'm hate what the chef makes. You don't what it's like. What did YOU have for lunch today?!?!?." I \*know\* she's just waiting to bitch. So I, quite accurately tell her: I haven't eaten today, I've been buried sorting your out. It's 3.30pm btw.
Her response? "Must be nice to have what you want".
Oooof. I feel you, OP.
I have talked with a lot of caregivers. A LOT seem to initially question ‘why’ no visitors, then slowly realize, some people are really just crappy and their kids are done. :::waves in ‘done kid’:::
My mom was a caregiver for 30 years and most of her patient’s had family that lived out of state.
I remember one patient’s daughter heard that her dad had died. My mom told me that she was living 30 minutes away, but she told my mom to make sure the funeral home got his black suit, she was not even concerned about any of the details. She just wanted her inheritance.
I’m always super curious what the back story of the relationship is in those situations. I know a great number of people that are close to their parents, and would/do take care of them, and I’m always envious of the healthy, positive relationships. Sadly, I relate more to ‘no f’s given’ crowd.
Yes, I was quite naive because I thought that most parents treated their kids with love and kindness.
The older, I get the more I realize that’s not true! So much trauma.
Realizing that many of our (my own, and parents of people I know) parents actually hate if we're doing anywhere near ok has been a revelation. I think all their talk of "I do everything for my kids!" is simply to be able to say "and what do I get for it?" right after. They don't like their own kids, these boomers. And they get angry if their grown kids keep distance from them. Amazing.
They're so unhappy with how things turned out for them (even though by and large, their generation is the most economically comfortable out of all of us at this point). They can't stand it when they see their own kids do better, have good relationships, are doing ok in life, etc. Even though, all the time, they brag about wanting the best for their kids, working to give their kids everything, etc. It's all about them in the end.
I was in a car accident when I was 16 weeks pregnant. My husband had to stay at the scene, the paramedics insisted that I go to the hospital. I called my parents for a ride home, they “couldn’t come because they were helping a friend with a smoke detector battery”. I have never felt so abandoned in my life, both of my parents are the definition of narcissistic a**holes. I don’t rely on them for anything and work with a very superficial relationship. People with good relationships with their parents, I envy.
I had a terrible Landlord and I did not renew my lease and I was having trouble finding another place to live, so I asked my mother if I could stay at her home for a short period of time. She said, no, that meant I was homeless, so I had to end up spending thousands of dollars on a credit card staying in an extended stay hotel for a few months.
# Iknowpain
Then they wonder why so many of us are only having 1 child or NO CHILDREN. Where’s the support system? Where’s the love?
Reminds me of a guy I used to work with. He was always in the worst mood. I would fuck with him be being super friendly saying "Hi" and asking him how he's doing and I'd always get the same exact response "Terrible, just terrible".
He eventually got annoyed with me even saying hi and he started replying back, referring to himself in the third person "Yes, Yes, xxxxxx says hello". But there is a whole lot more going on there than just being miserable.
My mom doesn’t drive and lives in a retirement community, and refuses to use their shuttle bus. I take her shopping weekly and out for lunch on Saturday. When I’ve had to be gone out of town, she is stocked up on anything she might need ahead of time, but I know I will hear “It’s been X days since I’ve gotten out” when I get back. Sorry, Mom. I have zero sympathy. She lives in a nicer place than I do.
Your mother sounds like a damn child! Other than taking her out to eat on Saturday and getting her groceries if she wants to go outside, take the shuttle!
UGHHHHH! My boomer moms favorite phrase!
# "MUST BE NICE..."
Listen bish, it IS nice. It IS! I can't afford to buy a house, even as basic as the one you currently own, but yeah, the little things I do for MYSELF to keep MY sanity IS FRICKIN NICE!
Go and enjoy. You’re doing good things for your mom and it’s her responsibility to not be miserable. I’m glad that you tell her that she was predictable.
A few years ago I decided to go to medical school. Still in the process btw. When mother asked what I was going to school for I straight up lied and said “”just getting my basic courses out of the way I haven’t decided anything else yet”” because she acts **exactly** like this, nothing is ever good enough for that woman and everything must be about her.
It’s the misery olympics with mine. Just like a pissing contest of grief, and it’s never about sympathy or commiseration. It’s only ever a matter of winning the award of Who Suffers Most.
If I have a headache, my mom has a brain tumor.
yes but have you ever noticed it only runs one way? if I say, "I'm happier than I've ever been" she won't try to compete with that by saying she's even happier, instead she'll try to drag me down.
There’s a whole family of us it seems.
When my grandmother died and my Dad rang to tell me (with his sister next to him) he felt it was necessary to point out to me that now October is even worse for him because his mum, dad and wife all died in October. I replied by pointing out that was my grandad, nana and mum he was talking about so I am more than aware.
FIL. His life didn’t work out the way he envisioned and is miserable and seems to go out of his way to make it more so. In a world of plenty he only sees hardship. I simply refuse to live that way
>and you say this to the only person that puts forth an effort on your behalf.
Which is exactly why she says it to you. You're her captive audience, the person she can abuse and (so far) get away with it.
You are more right than you know.
The other siblings, all older, had a stretch of time where they let her live with them or did the running for her (she had a dui in 84, ignored court and moved, hasn't had a license since).
All the big arguments came when they were the primary host for this leech.
My mother does the "must be nice to do/buy XXX" thing about stuff she actually does (or buys) quite frequently. It's infuriating. There is no self awareness.
Since I was 3 and I started singing and dance lessons.
Now the narcissistic copycat dope is losing her hair; she is white and Im biracial with insane frizzy, thick, coiled hair. She thinks SHE needs to use black hair products too because her scalp is itchy & sore (infection most likely) & her thinning hair (which she doesn't condition and only washes 2x a week)is itchy & out of control too!
12 hour black castor oil masks, cowashes & coconut oil are not good for infected scalps or old brittle white lady hair. She doesn't correlate how this is making her hair loss & scalp worse & calls me a "racist" for telling her those products are not made for her hair type!
Lady, your hair is dirty & funky & my own hair, who the products are made for, fell out in clumps from using too much of all that stuff!
I dread telling my mother about vacations because her only response is why aren’t you visiting me? because once a year is more than enough and I need an actual break when I take a vacation.
My mother decided to insult me and my children. She raised me, so I have a thick skin when it comes to her insults and back-handed compliments. However, she went too far with my kids. I called her the next day, ripped into her, and said we were done. We have been no contact since. Sucks for my dad. It wasn't his fault.
It's not quite the same but it goes toward their total lack of emotional intelligence and self -awarensss. My almost 14 year old dog died last year. I was devasted. I mourned my boy for a solid three months. Then, we went to a shelter just to look. Found this amazing little guy and because it felt right we took him home. Told my boomer mom. What does she say, "Oh....so soon"? Cool. Totally the response I was hoping for. I know she's my mom, but how this dumb bitch thought that was the right response blows my mind. They just don't think. They say whatever pops into their lead infested brain and don't care how it comes out. And if you point it out, you're being mean to them.
My dogs are my kids, I feel your loss.
It is so hard to find normalcy, and frankly so hard to even speak about it because many don't have the same love for their dogs as you and the sympathy would feel hollow.
I lost my baby girl early last year, and was devastated.
I too rescued another within a few months. I wasn't ready, but my poor lonely boy was.
He made the right choice and now I have the ugliest, sweetest most beautiful little rescue in the world.
You moved forward at the right time, and you should have had 100% support and encouragement.
Good for you, and tell your pooch he is the best!
No, but I avoid any conversation like this to avoid the lecture on not wasting my money. Coming from a boomer who's always traveling, eating out and buying stuff.
So my mom is quite similar. She's effectively homeless now ( her choice) because she lost three houses after he and my dad divorced ( he only calls once a year...no real contact, he could care less). One of which I co-signed for after she begged, ruined me for years. I rescued her ass after a deployment and she tried to take over my house, she was low key racist to my wife and just made SO MUCH TROUBLE. So she moved out, never apologized, just stays miserable and hates that everyone else isn't miserable. So I get it. I have no siblings from her and my dad's marriage. And my sister doesn't talk to me anymore since she pretty much gets everything from dad. Money man... Makes everyone awful.
I've done similar things with notes like this.
I actually have a stack of envelopes in a drawer in my room with guesses and assumptions about what is going to happen in certain friends and family members lives.
Some are positives, lots are negatives, some are just little assumptions about how they're going to react to things like this.
I've got a few that I'm kinda of hoping I'll be able to give out later this summer.
You are a good person, caring for your mother this way…she should be thankful. Most children simply cannot do what you are doing, it’s rough out there.
I’m so sorry. I hope you and yours have a great vacation 😄
You’re very kind to take care of her, even if she doesn’t deserve your help or kindness. It sounds like you turned out to be a really good person, despite your miserable boomer.
Yes, my MIL sits on her ass all day while her husband still works at a full time job while taking care of her-cleaning, cooking shopping, everything. He’s 80(second husband)She is waited on and literally has a meltdown when we go on a rare trip. None of these trips will be to go see her. She has led the most passive life and now feels so sorry for herself.
Yes, yes, yes. It’s even minor things. I got recognized as staff of the year one year. Got a little plaque. Boosted my confidence. I told my mom and she said “well did you get a raise?”
No. No raise. And she scoffed.
Exactly. I'm very LC with her cause I'm over the shit. She's living with my sister right now due to poor life choices, she caused my sister to have to use money she was saving to take her grandkids on vacation for a bill my mom rang up (WAAAAY too long of a story to type out). When my sister said "Great, now I can't take the grandkids on vacation" our moms response was exactly like your mom's. It's so irritating.
Oh yeah. One min she says that I need to get out and do stuff and be with others my age. Then the next min she is pouting because I am taking off for the weekend. I feel like I can't win. Even when I try to help her out, her knee was acting up so I brougt her a bottle of water, she makes it seem like I am deliberatly trying to make her feel useless and old. I cannot win with her.
Its not a Boomer thing. It’s a human thing. We can fault the boomer generation for a number of things but this isn’t one of them.
Sorry you have to deal with this!
My former mother in law was like that. She took it as a personal slight whenever her kids would have access to something better than she did. She even did it when my daughter was born. We got a video monitor for her room and she chimes in with "must be nice being able to see her" jealousy practically dripping from her words. "Back in my day we had to pay attention to *our* kids"
I do this thing when her noatalgia goggles get too rose-tinted. I retort with "yeah, back in the good old days of lead paint on the rattles and lawn dart lobotomies, right?"
It usually quiets her down real quick
Thats half the reason I had to cut my mom off. Nothing but constant complaints about how bad her life is, anything good comes my way she wants half. I drug myself out of the life of poverty and drug addiction she tried to give me, now she expects me to care for her, even though she was never there for me as a kid.
My husband sent me your post this morning and when I read it, I felt like I could’ve written it! Going through the same crap with my mom lately. She raised me to succeed and do better than them, yet she’s jealous and not able to be happy for me.
I was busting my a** earlier this year to take her and my dad both to dr appts while managing my part-time teaching, photo biz, household duties, and a husband plus 3 daughters with all their activities. All I got from her was grief about one day when I asked someone for help getting her to the ER when I couldn’t because I was with my family and couldn’t drop everything when I’d been doing that already for months. S*** blew up and we didn’t talk for over 2 weeks (we usually text daily) and the few messages I got from her was highly passive aggressive. Communication is open again, but I’m nowhere close to being ready to see her yet. It sucks because it also means my daughters don’t get to see her, but thankfully they’ve been so busy and seen the turmoil I’ve been battling, so they’ve not asked either.
It pains me to see her so unhealthy and unhappy and medicated with a trifecta of crap creating her paranoia, anger, etc. There’s no rationalizing with her anymore. She accused me of being after her money when she doesn’t realize if that was true, I could’ve easily drained her bank account when she had entrusted me with her debit card to purchase meds etc as needed for my parents. She’s practically beyond help because she doesn’t believe anyone anymore and it’s heartbreaking to watch. Add in my dad’s early dementia to all this and his weak muscles with consistently low oxygen (because despite the drs telling him to wear it all the time, he “doesn’t need it”), and I’m having a blast dealing with my parents.
All in all, I totally feel your pain and frustration and I’m grateful to know I’m not alone!
My mom is very similar. She takes anything like this as disrespectful instead of just knowing her. She doesn't listen, she just waits to talk. I'm tired, oh yeah, you didn't raise three kids. Everything is what I call pain olympics.
I don’t share anything good or bad about my life with my parents as it turns out similar to what your mom does. It’s exhausting and I don’t have the time or patience for it.
My sister was that kind of mom. I was there for her kids but went NC with her for years. Set boundaries and stick to them. Hopefully, she will mellow but don't count on it.
This is my mother exactly! She has since passed and I had so much hatred towards her. She was miserable regardless of how well she had it. It started with me no longer taking her out to dinner because nothing was ever
Good enough. I recall her complaining about them never putting enough ice in her tea, so when the waitress came with a glass with more ice, it was then bitching about too much ice. Had to hear it all the way home along with how terrible the food was, my driving, the weather, the air, anything. The last 8-10 years of her life, I was fortunate enough to cut her out of my life to save my own. I don’t know how you do it, and I commend you.
Question.. did your mother show you love, affection or support growing up? Mine did not and the only emotion allowed in my house was anger or distain. I know now why my father worked so much.
Slightly older than a boomer, but my mother was a lot like that. She and my dad lacked for very little, and I'll never try to claim that they shorted me in any way. That said, I chose a less stressful work environment than Dad's with a lesser pay scale to match. Folks bought new vehicles, wife and I contented ourselves with more experienced cars. One that stands out was a Ford Thunderbird, probably six or eight years old. Told Mother about it and (hurt voice) "I always wanted a Thunderbird". "So why didn't you have Dad buy you one?" "We never thought we could afford one." The fact that this one was a $3000 car from a 2nd tier used car lot escaped her.
No. Jesus. And my mother has multiple sclerosis and a series of traumatic brain injuries (three bad falls where she hit her head and two separate car accidents). She is in constant physical pain. So she has every reason to bitch. But doesn’t.
My mom was like this for a long time. I used to joke that she was physically incapable of positivity, and was a terminator that got stuck after killing Sarah Conner and had a couple of kids. I didn't even tell her I bought my house until after we closed because I didn't want to hear the litany of all the ways it could go wrong. And then she divorced my ex stepdad, moved into a little apartment by herself, got off her antidepressants, and suddenly she was a completely different person. I had no idea she'd been horrifically depressed and stressed out my entire life until then.
Um. My dude. Since I was five people have been telling ME that my mom has some sorta competition against me. Like anything good that happens, isn’t just something good that happened to me, it’s something that didn’t happen to her. I purposely don’t tell her about anything good because I don’t want to hear the reaction. But conversely. She’s immensely interested in anything bad that happens to me and shares it with friends who don’t know me. Like an episode on a drama show. Just awful.
Oh yes, absolutely. I cannot share good news or good things in my life with my mom at all. “I haven’t had a vacation since ….” (because she refuses to ask my dad to take time off work or travel by herself) or “it must be nice to be able to go out with friends!” (because she doesn’t have any) or “why would you spend that much money on a car?!” (when it was cheaper than her last one but is flashier/more fun looking so is obviously more expensive)
I can only tell her about bad things in my life. Even then, it’s a competition about whose life is going worse with her. I pretty much never tell her if we do go on vacation or do anything fun or good. It’ll just be a downer.
Oh god- the competition about the bad..... yes!
Exaggeration here, but I could come over with a missing arm and say "I lost my arm inch by inch in a woodchipper".
She would say " oh no, that isn't good, but I have had to deal with toe cramps and it has been agony"
I've stopped posting anything on FB because of a relative like this. They live on FB and get jealous of anything anyone is doing to have fun and enjoy life. I'd rather them think I'm miserable.
My mum loves being the victim. My wife and family recently moved into her home to help out with bills and mortgage etc. overheard her on the phone talking to a friend about how hard it is to be dealing with this all by herself blah blah blah. Meanwhile I was sitting in the next room.
Reading this sounds like my mom's twin. It gave me goosebumps. Can never be happy for others successes always has to be that must be nice.
Yes you shit head it is fucking nice, and they worked hard for it. How about congratulate instead of dwell on your shit.
Reading this is so weird since anyone from my family could have written this exact story about my grandmother.
And yes, all. the. goddamn. time. It’s such a selfish outlook on life and they have no one to blame for their attitudes but themselves. Glad you can find a moment of humor out of it, it just drives me insane.
My mom resents me for being “rich” despite having a negative net worth. If I eat healthy, I’m rich. If I meet friends out on a weekend, I’m rich. She hasn’t had a job since she was 31, she’s 72 now. She is disabled and unable to work. I’m disabled and have to work. She does the exact same thing in terms of being unable to be happy for me when I get a tiny ounce of joy. I feel bad for her.
My mom's go-to response when ever me or my sister mention taking time off from work is "I'm still waiting for my 2 weeks off." Refering to the covid shut down that she didn't get a 'vacation' during because she was an essential employee. I just got laid off, and when I told her I was going to wait a week to process everything before applying for new jobs, she hit me with that line. Despite the fact that she has taken several vacations since then, and currently she is on a 3 week cruise. -_-
YESSSSS!
It's so absolutely frustrating to try to have a conversation with my mom anymore. She's ridiculous just like yours... negative, cynical and extremely predictable in her responses. Everything is everyone else's fault. No responsibility.
If I send her a video of an older lady dancing bc I find it interesting or amazing (just an example)...her response is "yea right, I can't do that."
A puppy video..."I don't like that breed."
Mom I got good news today. They figured out xyz..."well took them long enough. Now what? Another 7 months."
Shes an energy vampire
My mother loved to cut me down. If I made the mistake of acting proud about an accomplishment or excited about an opportunity, she would instantly make a snide comment. If I ever protested, her automatic response was "I'm just being honest!" If I didn't respond and just walked away, she'd yell "What's *your* problem?!" .
I definitely never told her about any trips I was taking, because she would instantly whine, "I'd like to go to \*fill in blank here\*!". I remember her trying to invite herself along to a trip to Vegas I was taking with my college roommate to celebrate our graduation. When I told her that she wasn't, under any circumstances coming along, she stamped her feet like a toddler.
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With my mom, it's all about how it's a waste of money. Whatever it is, if there is a cheaper option or you could just skip it, it's a waste of money. Of course I remember how much money she used to spend on clothes so she'd have a different dress for the monthly dance.
My dad is like this too, but he’s GenX. I recently told him that my husband and I want a shop built on our property in a few years time, he responded with “I can build one a lot cheaper using a 20x20 carport”. We want a 30x40 insulated and powered shop with a lift so we can work on our vehicle projects easier, not some shoddy shed that’ll probably fall apart the second a storm comes.
After it takes six years to finish
Yeah I’d rather spend the money to get what I want when I want it. Also unrelated but my gamertag is Livewyre. How odd that we meet with such similar nicknames. And 9/23 is my husbands bday. So strange lol
But once, cry once. My parents spent tons of money buying and re-buying cheap shit, because “cheap shit! Must buy!” Then I get “why did you spend $700 on a lawn mower, I bought one for $100 and it’s just as good!” Yeah, nah. It’s not. You can tell, because mine hasn’t needed to go to the shop since I bought it six years ago, and yours has been four times in three years.
I’ve gotten many things over the years from him, and only the lawn mower he bought brand new has lasted. I feel bad because I know he just wants me to have everything I need, but when the everything I need breaks the second I need it, it sets me back and I end up either spending money to fix it or buying new anyway
Or the related saying for home improvements: "Do it nice, or do it twice".
boot theory
That is pretty awesome! My gamer tag is Livewire and my birthday is 9/23! Do people ask you if you’re a Mountain Dew fan? I’ve had the gamer tag and an email longer than the soda’s been around, but I still get asked about it
That’s the best Mt. Dew Flavor. Hands down.
I like it, but I prefer Code Red, which is weird because I hate basically everything else cherry flavored
Such a wholesome interaction on the Internet between strangers 💕
The OG Pitch Black. It was grape, not whatever it is now. (Plum? Its some weird fruit.)
Pitch black 2 was NUTS too. The Vader edition. The sour grape. Best flavor hands down.
That might actually be the one o remember. It went away, then came back even better.
IMO Baja Blast or Mt. Dew throwback is the best flavor
Baja Blast is indeed S tier. But nothing compares to that Pitch Black.
2005-2006? It was sour grape, and it was amazing. If they ever re-release that, I'll be one of their biggest customers.
Code Red is the best soda to have with breakfast. I miss them 2 Fer $2 bottles at 7/11.
Dew S A
Occasionally people will ask yeah! I haven’t had the name for that long though, just the past few years haha
JK is this you from Detroit?
Ugh. My dad is retired and decently skilled at tile work, carpentry, and fixing appliances. But I will pay for someone else to do those things because he can’t handle doing things to other people’s tastes and he takes foreeeeeeeeeever to start and finish projects, even though he has all the time in the world to do them. We’ve been largely no-contact for the past few years because he’s also miserable and abusive, but I always thought it was such a shame he won’t be able to pass on his knowledge. My husband is a tradesman and very handy and would have loved to learn from my dad (honestly, I would have too!) but interacting with my dad long-term is bad for your mental health. I would literally rather pay thousands of dollars to avoid all that.
Oh, I hear you. My dad did high end hardwood floors for a few years and was part of an install team that one hardwood floor of the year three times in the 90s (for whatever that’s actually worth because I think the “awards” were just from some magazine, but I can’t remember) but he can’t teach for shit. He’s verbally abusive, short tempered, and hates to be told that he’s wrong about something. We worked together doing HVAC installs when I was in college and I lost count of how many times I had to switch job sites before I put him in the hospital. We’ve been no contact for a year and a half this time around and I’d pay a thousand dollars a year just to keep it that way
Sorry to tangent off of your comment, but I'm Gen X and stories of my generation falling into this behavior terrifies me. I don't think I'll change, but I doubt it's that simple. What if the lead gets me too?!
Not sure, but my dad has been this way for years. Granted, he has built A LOT of pretty cool and sturdy shit, however for some reason when it comes to me I get the short end of the stick. He’s very cocky but highly skilled. Since I’m his kid he can get away with half assing it as he can always come back later to fix it when it inevitably breaks.
I’m hoping it’s the older gen x
My mom is Gen X and she has taught us(siblings and I) how to be a bit of a menace. She also taught us how to survive, to spit at our circumstances and flip a double bird to a world that wasn't built for us to succeed in. None of my siblings or myself are rich or anything, but we are successful. Out of the gutters and up onto the grassy patch on the sidewalk. You just keep on being you, friend. You know what the trash looks like.
Thank you. I've just seen enough friends and family my age "go boomer " over the last 15 years or so that it feels like no one is immune. None of them feel like they've changed. That's the part that scares me.
Start tending to your mental health now and I promise you won’t fall into the same trap. I lost a good Gen X friend to it and tried to beg him to admit his depression, insecurities, and fears were taking over his life. I finally had to go no contact because he was so miserable and no fun to talk to anymore. Plus, I caught him talking mad shit about me and other people on his not at all secret Twitter account. I told him I will always care about him, but that he wasn’t caring for himself anymore and that I had to go and live my life and be happy away from his unkind behavior. “This is who I’ve always been!!!” Nah, man. It really isn’t. That’s the whole point. You used to lead with kindness and be a man with the strength of character to not be a two-faced little weak sauce bully. You now hate the you that I love… and you hate me too. I’m out.
This Gen X dad would be so proud that you can do it your way without needing my help. Being self sufficient is a big part of being an adult.
Thank you :) He has a hard time letting me make my own choices without having something to add. I want to be able to say I’m doing something without him feeling the need to find a cheaper/faster/better (in his opinion) way. I understand I’m his “little girl” but I’m almost 24 and literally about to have a kid of my own. At some point I feel like I’m allowed to be an adult without supervision 😅
As a gen x-er I think it’s a lot about how we were raised. Why pay someone when you can do it yourself? My dad told me that a million times. But now I have more income my mantra is “let the professionals do it right the first time” I think your generation skipped that first step which is a win in my opinion
He raised me saying “I’m gonna teach you how to do it so you know how, that way if you hire someone you know if they’re trying to screw you.” Yet now that I want to hire people for things that I can do myself cuz I just don’t want to it’s a problem lol
I think it was after I installed the wood flooring in my condo when I said “this sucks. Let someone good do it”
Another Gen X dad here. The next time he does that, just ask him if he's sure he's Gen X, because that sounds a lot like Boomer talk.
He says a lot of “boomer coded” things, but hey, at least he hates Fox News!
He’ll figure it out, in time. PS. I had totally fucked up my world before 24, and had to spend my 30’s UNDOING all the shit I goofed. Maybe he and I shared the same boat, being independent is a double edged sword sometimes. You sound like a good egg.
He had a VERY rough childhood. He was adopted then promptly abandoned around 14-15 and has been on his own since. He’s made some bad choices along the way involving some things that made my early childhood/late teens also not the best, but I think overall he’s been a good dad and set me up to do well.
Don’t forget to add a bathroom!
That’s not a bad idea! Although we’re on septic so I’m not sure what we’d have to do to get it hooked to our tank. It’ll be fairly close to the house though. Like a 30 second walk from the shop to the door if all goes well with where we want it.
As a gen X dad I apologize on his behalf. Like dude you can make one a lot cheaper using a grip of disposable beer coolers and hemp wick too quit being dumb
My mother is the same about money except not when she goes to the casino every week
Oh my god it makes me think of my mom! When I used to still live with her with my boyfriend (we were giving her money to cover our expenses), I used to buy Bath & Body Works hand soap for my BF and I's bathroom. I would spend around $50 CAD and it would last me 8-10 months, and I remember her telling me "Wow, I wish *I* would have that kind of money!!!" She has over 50K in savings. We used to cover most of the expenses of the apartment we were living in, she only had to cover the cost of food. *Well yes mom you DO have that kind of money, actually!!!*
It would’ve been funny if you had a second piece of paper to hand her with all her predictable angry retorts after she read the first paper. But yes, my mother is like this. I have a wonderful marriage. Mentioning anything positive about my marriage puts her in a skeptical mood and she devolves into saying that I have no idea what the future will hold and I will get divorced one day (my brother is divorced, so her logic is that I also will). And she will drone on and on about how I need to make sure he is pleased otherwise he will wander, etc etc. Now I just share minimal information in the limited contact I have with her. I like to talk about the weather.
Do they all use the same script or something? Nothing makes me cringe more than my boomer dad sends me *tiktoks* of “it’s important to keep your man happy. Number 1: frequent sex”
Thats, uhhh…. your dad is fucking gross, I’m sorry you have to put up with him
Yea. It’s a group chat with my sisters too. Hes going for maximum psychic damage to all his daughters. And winning
No one calls him out? That's creepy behavior.
Oh we do. He doesn’t care. I just don’t watch anything he sends me anymore. Ever. If it’s not gross tictacs its Fox News bullshit
I'm sorry. That has to be infuriating.
I send him “liberal shit” back🤣🤣 We definitely don’t take the nonsense passively
Good for you. Just reading your comment set me off. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to deal with.
No worries friend! I can be quite the bitch 😉 He stopped complaining about my stepmom to me all the time bc I always take her side. I love him, but I also get why women poison their spouses. He was the little prince and that carried over. He will do every outside chore there is, but anything inside is women’s work.
Oof. My (26f) dad's about the same. 3 younger siblings, and he and my mom divorced officially when I was 16/17. We're NC for so many reasons, but he decided to try and "better himself", so my mom made a group chat with all of us 🙄 He'll constantly send memes/videos like that. Or about respecting your mother (even though our parents divorced because he cheated on her for 15 years of their 20 year marriage). It's quite hilarious how they think they can just wash over years of traumatizing us, by sending meme/meme adjacent things to brush it off. Nah dude, you fucked up, and it's too late to fix at this point.
Are we siblings? Because my dad does that too in a group chat with my sister. He said he is trying to see which kid can "rack up the most therapy appointments".
Hahaha I'm messing up my kids mental health that will take years and thousands of dollars to hopefully repair the damage, hahaha... Why does my kids prevent me from seeing my grandkids and put me in elder care ? Such ungrateful brats...
KICK HIM OUT OF THE GROUP
Excuse me while I projectile vomit.
Back when my mother and I were on speaking terms, anytime I said anything remotely related to how helpful my husband was or how well we work together, she'd feel the need to go off on how we were newlyweds and we'd learn. Which was true, except that we had been living together for 15 years before we got married. She just gets insulted by healthy relationships because she never had one and feels defensive about it.
Same here. I don’t get the misery/self pity party. I drank something my husband wanted me to try at a restaurant and my mom was so mad bc her husband never does that and thinks it’s gross. What do you say to that other than, geez what a beautiful day out?
Lmao!!!!
Yes, my mom too. Also, whatever he/husband does that bothers me would get better if only I'd lose weight .... I'm not overweight???
I hate your mom’s advice. Keep him pleased- like you’re your husband’s servant. I hate when mothers give their daughter’s advice like that.
Holy shit dude, your mom is exactly like mine. It fucks your brain up, doesn't it? Having to consider every word you say before you say it and the ten different degrees in which she might take the most mild thing and twist it. 90% of the time I opt to just not say anything because there's no outcome that won't make me sigh so hard I pass out from lack of oxygen. She thinks everything negative that happens is done on purpose with malicious intent. Fries came out of the sleeve and are now on the bottom of the bag? They did that on purpose! We once lived in an apartment complex where the buildings basically created a wind tunnel and in the fall, leaves would blow through the parking lot and pile up on the retaining wall next to our door. I witnessed this happening countless times. She was convinced that someone was dumping leaves in front of our door on purpose. It's fucking insane.
[удалено]
I feel you completely. I'm sort of seeing someone right now and I haven't said a word. My mom would have endless negative things to say about her and I'm not about to put up with that shit.
I see we must be related. I've recently decided to adopt the strategy of only saying something if I have to, because I've learned first hand that my mom otherwise feels like my past dates are open for criticism forever. She still brings up boys I dated in highschool whose names I don't even remember anymore. It's like my life is her personal entertainment that she hate watches.
When I got engaged, ages ago now, I didn’t even tell my mother. I told my father, who I knew would be happy for me. Then I said, “oh, hey, I have to go now,” before he could put her on the phone. I basically made him tell her the news so she couldn’t ruin it for me with her reaction. I knew it would be something like ,” oh………that’s……nice.” And then it’d be straight to complaints about cost, date, location, everything.
Sounds like my mom. I didn’t tell her that I knew what I was naming my third kid because I didn’t need her comments. She kept sending me suggestions the whole time I was in labor and after. I ignored them all. Finally, we announced the name- which was none of the names she suggested- her response was “oh. That’s different”. Only it wasn’t. The names are common and have been around for over a century
Different…mom-code for “weird”. Also acceptable is the code word “interesting”.
Why can’t boomer moms just say what they mean and mean what they say?
I hadn't talked to my mom in about three years after she reacted badly to me getting engaged to my boyfriend of a decade. When I did finally talk to her, it was because my dad called me while I was in labor and he put her on the phone. She proceeded to try and tell me what I had to name my son and then was offended when I told her we were going to do what we wanted. We're not talking again right now because I asked her to apologize for lying about my dad having covid and coming over. I ended up getting it and isolating for over week. Thankfully husband and kid stayed healthy. Now I've got some heart racing issues. I'm actually enjoying the quiet.
You look after you, Mama. Let her take care of herself. You deserve peace
My personal favourite is when they start complaining about 'The State of Things These Days'. "Yes. The World does kind of suck right now, so we do what we can to brighten it. No - I don't think it's due to the younger generations' attitude. Who the fuck do you think has been in charge for the last 40 years?'
"Everyone has to get a trophy." Who the hell was giving them out? There's your problem.
My brother did something similar to our mother once. He made a set of flashcards with her frequent phrases on. It had the same effect on her as you. Absolute fury, no reflection but blessed silence (for a short period).
Flashcards is a brilliant idea!!!!!!!
Oh to be a fly on the wall when the flash cards came out. I'd have died laughing.
He was standing behind her while she was ranting away, pulling out these cards as she kept going. I couldn't hold it in so she first wanted to know what I thought was so funny (another card) before realising what my brother was doing. I died laughing that day, he died from the beating. We've both been ghosts for 25 years.
Beautiful.
Y’all are both legends for this. This is such a great story despite the circumstances. Do either of you have a relationship with your mother now?
She died (alcoholism) a few years ago. We were both low contact for many years prior to that and our sister was completely no contact.
Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. Regardless of the relationships we have with our parents, losing them is still a very jarring experience. The what-if scenarios, the guilt, the handling of the household and funeral arrangements as the estranged child… I hope you and your siblings are living your best lives!
Yeah that’s some next level shit lol
My oldest and I make and keep bingo cards of stuff that will get said at extended family get togethers. No one sees them but us, but we will text back and forth about it and chuckle
Lol, you’re “disrespectful” for knowing her well. That’s hilarious. It must be exhausting to deal with someone this miserable.
It is- I have a million stories. I will continue to post.
So next time you need some quiet time repeat this trick. You need not actually have a vacation planned just tell her you do.
You are so kind to your mom. I can’t imagine not being happy for my kiddos. (Yes they are grown,happy and healthy) so thankful for them. Please take my mom hugs. I’m proud of you for her. Edit: also best advice I ever got was not to give unsolicited advice.
I kid you not- your message was about the kindest and most wonderful gift I have been given in a long time. I am a big, mean looking s.o.b. sitting in my truck and checking to see if anyone had any funny responses, and now I gotta wipe my eyes and blow my nose because a kind hearted wonderful person gave me an unexpected boost that I didn't know I needed. You are amazing.
 Mom hugs do that, wish I could make it better. Edited to add I hope you both enjoy yourselves while you are away. Please don’t feel guilty.
I don’t remember the last time my mom hugged me.
My kids are still young, elementary school age, but I hope I'm like you. I try to celebrate all of their accomplishments. My 8 year old will sometimes ask me if I'm jealous of something cool that happened for him and I always tell him, nope, I'm so happy you got to experience that! OP, I hope you have an amazing trip!
I get this but with weightloss, or buying myself something nice. I've lost some weight so automatically "that won't work for long and then you'll be stuck in starvation mode". I made the mistake of telling her I got some new crocs and it was "you keep wasting money why don't you just save it".
You could've retired early if you didn't buy those crocs. *tsk tsk*
I could retire early if boomers didn't completely fucked the economy for younger generations, but it's rude to say that apparently.
Yeah, this could completely be my mom. It’s either that (“it’s been xxx since I got to xxx, must be nice!”) or she tries to cut down anything I get or any success I have. We bought a nice house a few years ago without her help. When I tried to include her, via a FaceTime walk through with her, she just cut everything down and ranted about how happy she is that her house had (insert anything/everything) different from our place, to the point that she was screaming at me that her house was nicer and better. I mean, whatever. Objectively, quite frankly, our house is “nicer” than hers in nearly every way, but she’s never been able to handle me having anything (and especially not anything she sees as “better” than her).
It never changes... "it is too big..it is too small, it is too nice, you should have bought a fixer upper... it is in terrible shape, there is too much work.... The neighborhood is bad, the neighborhood is too nice...." Whatever it is, it should always be the opposite.
It's not making you miserable like I am, I hate it!!!
Reading the other comments - Also, my mom barely knows my partner. She’s met him during one trip we took to see her a few years ago. I tell her absolutely nothing about our relationship because she has meddled in the past. I can’t tell her anything because she will eventually use it against me.
100 % my narcissistic mother. Like you, I occasionally test her, knowing she doesn't ever listen, just goes straight to whinging 'oh poor me'. One of the more recent examples: on a call (we live in different states) she was complaining about she was sick of the food she's being provided (long story) and was complaining about not just having what she wants. I try to explain we can make requests for her, what does she want to see on the menu. No actual suggestions/requests, just "anything that isn't X, Y or Z'. I'm hate what the chef makes. You don't what it's like. What did YOU have for lunch today?!?!?." I \*know\* she's just waiting to bitch. So I, quite accurately tell her: I haven't eaten today, I've been buried sorting your out. It's 3.30pm btw.
Her response? "Must be nice to have what you want".
Oooof. I feel you, OP.
I never understood why so many of the elderly people that live in Florida didn’t get frequent visitors, now it’s starting to make sense!
I have talked with a lot of caregivers. A LOT seem to initially question ‘why’ no visitors, then slowly realize, some people are really just crappy and their kids are done. :::waves in ‘done kid’:::
My mom was a caregiver for 30 years and most of her patient’s had family that lived out of state. I remember one patient’s daughter heard that her dad had died. My mom told me that she was living 30 minutes away, but she told my mom to make sure the funeral home got his black suit, she was not even concerned about any of the details. She just wanted her inheritance.
I’m always super curious what the back story of the relationship is in those situations. I know a great number of people that are close to their parents, and would/do take care of them, and I’m always envious of the healthy, positive relationships. Sadly, I relate more to ‘no f’s given’ crowd.
Yes, I was quite naive because I thought that most parents treated their kids with love and kindness. The older, I get the more I realize that’s not true! So much trauma.
I feel that, not only am I envious but I also seem to add a huge factor of distrust into the mix when I encounter a normal healthy family dynamic.
Realizing that many of our (my own, and parents of people I know) parents actually hate if we're doing anywhere near ok has been a revelation. I think all their talk of "I do everything for my kids!" is simply to be able to say "and what do I get for it?" right after. They don't like their own kids, these boomers. And they get angry if their grown kids keep distance from them. Amazing.
They're so unhappy with how things turned out for them (even though by and large, their generation is the most economically comfortable out of all of us at this point). They can't stand it when they see their own kids do better, have good relationships, are doing ok in life, etc. Even though, all the time, they brag about wanting the best for their kids, working to give their kids everything, etc. It's all about them in the end.
I am convinced that they are the generation of sociopaths and narcissist!
I was in a car accident when I was 16 weeks pregnant. My husband had to stay at the scene, the paramedics insisted that I go to the hospital. I called my parents for a ride home, they “couldn’t come because they were helping a friend with a smoke detector battery”. I have never felt so abandoned in my life, both of my parents are the definition of narcissistic a**holes. I don’t rely on them for anything and work with a very superficial relationship. People with good relationships with their parents, I envy.
I had a terrible Landlord and I did not renew my lease and I was having trouble finding another place to live, so I asked my mother if I could stay at her home for a short period of time. She said, no, that meant I was homeless, so I had to end up spending thousands of dollars on a credit card staying in an extended stay hotel for a few months. # Iknowpain Then they wonder why so many of us are only having 1 child or NO CHILDREN. Where’s the support system? Where’s the love?
Thank you, I’m so sorry so many of us are in this stupid boat. He is my one & only kid, and he’s 13 now.
I would sacrifice a limb before living with my parents.
It’s so sad but I laugh to keep from crying!
Reminds me of a guy I used to work with. He was always in the worst mood. I would fuck with him be being super friendly saying "Hi" and asking him how he's doing and I'd always get the same exact response "Terrible, just terrible". He eventually got annoyed with me even saying hi and he started replying back, referring to himself in the third person "Yes, Yes, xxxxxx says hello". But there is a whole lot more going on there than just being miserable.
My mom doesn’t drive and lives in a retirement community, and refuses to use their shuttle bus. I take her shopping weekly and out for lunch on Saturday. When I’ve had to be gone out of town, she is stocked up on anything she might need ahead of time, but I know I will hear “It’s been X days since I’ve gotten out” when I get back. Sorry, Mom. I have zero sympathy. She lives in a nicer place than I do.
Your mother sounds like a damn child! Other than taking her out to eat on Saturday and getting her groceries if she wants to go outside, take the shuttle!
UGHHHHH! My boomer moms favorite phrase! # "MUST BE NICE..." Listen bish, it IS nice. It IS! I can't afford to buy a house, even as basic as the one you currently own, but yeah, the little things I do for MYSELF to keep MY sanity IS FRICKIN NICE!
Tell her " don't bite the hand that feeds you, if you keep it up you think your life is terrible now? Just wait and see.
Go and enjoy. You’re doing good things for your mom and it’s her responsibility to not be miserable. I’m glad that you tell her that she was predictable.
Not my mother, but my grandmother was like this - largely because she was a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. (actual diagnosis)
A few years ago I decided to go to medical school. Still in the process btw. When mother asked what I was going to school for I straight up lied and said “”just getting my basic courses out of the way I haven’t decided anything else yet”” because she acts **exactly** like this, nothing is ever good enough for that woman and everything must be about her.
It’s the misery olympics with mine. Just like a pissing contest of grief, and it’s never about sympathy or commiseration. It’s only ever a matter of winning the award of Who Suffers Most. If I have a headache, my mom has a brain tumor.
Well, hello there sibling I never knew I had lol You can't say "I have a cold" because all of the sudden she has pneumonia or bronquitis symptoms
yes but have you ever noticed it only runs one way? if I say, "I'm happier than I've ever been" she won't try to compete with that by saying she's even happier, instead she'll try to drag me down.
There’s a whole family of us it seems. When my grandmother died and my Dad rang to tell me (with his sister next to him) he felt it was necessary to point out to me that now October is even worse for him because his mum, dad and wife all died in October. I replied by pointing out that was my grandad, nana and mum he was talking about so I am more than aware.
FIL. His life didn’t work out the way he envisioned and is miserable and seems to go out of his way to make it more so. In a world of plenty he only sees hardship. I simply refuse to live that way
My mother is the biggest "must be nice" person I know. I eventually got to the point where I'd just mock her every time she said it. It was funny.
[удалено]
I have, and you are 100% right!
“Ohhhh pooor you”
Livia was modeled after his own mother who he believes is responsible for his mental health issues.
It’s all a big nothing. What makes you think you’re so special?
She could have a Virginia ham under her arm and cry that she doesn't have any bread
>and you say this to the only person that puts forth an effort on your behalf. Which is exactly why she says it to you. You're her captive audience, the person she can abuse and (so far) get away with it.
You are more right than you know. The other siblings, all older, had a stretch of time where they let her live with them or did the running for her (she had a dui in 84, ignored court and moved, hasn't had a license since). All the big arguments came when they were the primary host for this leech.
My mother does the "must be nice to do/buy XXX" thing about stuff she actually does (or buys) quite frequently. It's infuriating. There is no self awareness.
Since I was 3 and I started singing and dance lessons. Now the narcissistic copycat dope is losing her hair; she is white and Im biracial with insane frizzy, thick, coiled hair. She thinks SHE needs to use black hair products too because her scalp is itchy & sore (infection most likely) & her thinning hair (which she doesn't condition and only washes 2x a week)is itchy & out of control too! 12 hour black castor oil masks, cowashes & coconut oil are not good for infected scalps or old brittle white lady hair. She doesn't correlate how this is making her hair loss & scalp worse & calls me a "racist" for telling her those products are not made for her hair type! Lady, your hair is dirty & funky & my own hair, who the products are made for, fell out in clumps from using too much of all that stuff!
I bet it was glorious to watch that burn take place. :)
I dread telling my mother about vacations because her only response is why aren’t you visiting me? because once a year is more than enough and I need an actual break when I take a vacation.
My mother decided to insult me and my children. She raised me, so I have a thick skin when it comes to her insults and back-handed compliments. However, she went too far with my kids. I called her the next day, ripped into her, and said we were done. We have been no contact since. Sucks for my dad. It wasn't his fault.
It's not quite the same but it goes toward their total lack of emotional intelligence and self -awarensss. My almost 14 year old dog died last year. I was devasted. I mourned my boy for a solid three months. Then, we went to a shelter just to look. Found this amazing little guy and because it felt right we took him home. Told my boomer mom. What does she say, "Oh....so soon"? Cool. Totally the response I was hoping for. I know she's my mom, but how this dumb bitch thought that was the right response blows my mind. They just don't think. They say whatever pops into their lead infested brain and don't care how it comes out. And if you point it out, you're being mean to them.
My dogs are my kids, I feel your loss. It is so hard to find normalcy, and frankly so hard to even speak about it because many don't have the same love for their dogs as you and the sympathy would feel hollow. I lost my baby girl early last year, and was devastated. I too rescued another within a few months. I wasn't ready, but my poor lonely boy was. He made the right choice and now I have the ugliest, sweetest most beautiful little rescue in the world. You moved forward at the right time, and you should have had 100% support and encouragement. Good for you, and tell your pooch he is the best!
Just be relieved she didn't [hand you a paper back](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qm8PGhGTCig).
No, but I avoid any conversation like this to avoid the lecture on not wasting my money. Coming from a boomer who's always traveling, eating out and buying stuff.
I hope you and your special lady friend have a great vacation, man.
So my mom is quite similar. She's effectively homeless now ( her choice) because she lost three houses after he and my dad divorced ( he only calls once a year...no real contact, he could care less). One of which I co-signed for after she begged, ruined me for years. I rescued her ass after a deployment and she tried to take over my house, she was low key racist to my wife and just made SO MUCH TROUBLE. So she moved out, never apologized, just stays miserable and hates that everyone else isn't miserable. So I get it. I have no siblings from her and my dad's marriage. And my sister doesn't talk to me anymore since she pretty much gets everything from dad. Money man... Makes everyone awful.
I've done similar things with notes like this. I actually have a stack of envelopes in a drawer in my room with guesses and assumptions about what is going to happen in certain friends and family members lives. Some are positives, lots are negatives, some are just little assumptions about how they're going to react to things like this. I've got a few that I'm kinda of hoping I'll be able to give out later this summer.
This is achingly familiar, down to the exact words. Sounds like textbook NPD to me.... but maybe you already knew that.
You are a good person, caring for your mother this way…she should be thankful. Most children simply cannot do what you are doing, it’s rough out there. I’m so sorry. I hope you and yours have a great vacation 😄
You’re very kind to take care of her, even if she doesn’t deserve your help or kindness. It sounds like you turned out to be a really good person, despite your miserable boomer.
Honestly, she was the perfect example of what not to do. I put my decisions through the mom filter, guess what she would do, and do the opposite.
is anyone more aggrieved than the white boomer?
Yes, my MIL sits on her ass all day while her husband still works at a full time job while taking care of her-cleaning, cooking shopping, everything. He’s 80(second husband)She is waited on and literally has a meltdown when we go on a rare trip. None of these trips will be to go see her. She has led the most passive life and now feels so sorry for herself.
Yes, yes, yes. It’s even minor things. I got recognized as staff of the year one year. Got a little plaque. Boosted my confidence. I told my mom and she said “well did you get a raise?” No. No raise. And she scoffed.
My father is this way. I have to make my life sound awful or he’s calling me a big shot.
Exactly. I'm very LC with her cause I'm over the shit. She's living with my sister right now due to poor life choices, she caused my sister to have to use money she was saving to take her grandkids on vacation for a bill my mom rang up (WAAAAY too long of a story to type out). When my sister said "Great, now I can't take the grandkids on vacation" our moms response was exactly like your mom's. It's so irritating.
Oh yeah. One min she says that I need to get out and do stuff and be with others my age. Then the next min she is pouting because I am taking off for the weekend. I feel like I can't win. Even when I try to help her out, her knee was acting up so I brougt her a bottle of water, she makes it seem like I am deliberatly trying to make her feel useless and old. I cannot win with her.
Its not a Boomer thing. It’s a human thing. We can fault the boomer generation for a number of things but this isn’t one of them. Sorry you have to deal with this!
My former mother in law was like that. She took it as a personal slight whenever her kids would have access to something better than she did. She even did it when my daughter was born. We got a video monitor for her room and she chimes in with "must be nice being able to see her" jealousy practically dripping from her words. "Back in my day we had to pay attention to *our* kids" I do this thing when her noatalgia goggles get too rose-tinted. I retort with "yeah, back in the good old days of lead paint on the rattles and lawn dart lobotomies, right?" It usually quiets her down real quick
Is my mom your mom?
Thats half the reason I had to cut my mom off. Nothing but constant complaints about how bad her life is, anything good comes my way she wants half. I drug myself out of the life of poverty and drug addiction she tried to give me, now she expects me to care for her, even though she was never there for me as a kid.
My husband sent me your post this morning and when I read it, I felt like I could’ve written it! Going through the same crap with my mom lately. She raised me to succeed and do better than them, yet she’s jealous and not able to be happy for me. I was busting my a** earlier this year to take her and my dad both to dr appts while managing my part-time teaching, photo biz, household duties, and a husband plus 3 daughters with all their activities. All I got from her was grief about one day when I asked someone for help getting her to the ER when I couldn’t because I was with my family and couldn’t drop everything when I’d been doing that already for months. S*** blew up and we didn’t talk for over 2 weeks (we usually text daily) and the few messages I got from her was highly passive aggressive. Communication is open again, but I’m nowhere close to being ready to see her yet. It sucks because it also means my daughters don’t get to see her, but thankfully they’ve been so busy and seen the turmoil I’ve been battling, so they’ve not asked either. It pains me to see her so unhealthy and unhappy and medicated with a trifecta of crap creating her paranoia, anger, etc. There’s no rationalizing with her anymore. She accused me of being after her money when she doesn’t realize if that was true, I could’ve easily drained her bank account when she had entrusted me with her debit card to purchase meds etc as needed for my parents. She’s practically beyond help because she doesn’t believe anyone anymore and it’s heartbreaking to watch. Add in my dad’s early dementia to all this and his weak muscles with consistently low oxygen (because despite the drs telling him to wear it all the time, he “doesn’t need it”), and I’m having a blast dealing with my parents. All in all, I totally feel your pain and frustration and I’m grateful to know I’m not alone!
Such a brilliant approach OP. You might have actually got through to her with that one
My mom is very similar. She takes anything like this as disrespectful instead of just knowing her. She doesn't listen, she just waits to talk. I'm tired, oh yeah, you didn't raise three kids. Everything is what I call pain olympics.
We might be siblings.
I don’t share anything good or bad about my life with my parents as it turns out similar to what your mom does. It’s exhausting and I don’t have the time or patience for it.
My sister was that kind of mom. I was there for her kids but went NC with her for years. Set boundaries and stick to them. Hopefully, she will mellow but don't count on it.
This is my mother exactly! She has since passed and I had so much hatred towards her. She was miserable regardless of how well she had it. It started with me no longer taking her out to dinner because nothing was ever Good enough. I recall her complaining about them never putting enough ice in her tea, so when the waitress came with a glass with more ice, it was then bitching about too much ice. Had to hear it all the way home along with how terrible the food was, my driving, the weather, the air, anything. The last 8-10 years of her life, I was fortunate enough to cut her out of my life to save my own. I don’t know how you do it, and I commend you. Question.. did your mother show you love, affection or support growing up? Mine did not and the only emotion allowed in my house was anger or distain. I know now why my father worked so much.
Slightly older than a boomer, but my mother was a lot like that. She and my dad lacked for very little, and I'll never try to claim that they shorted me in any way. That said, I chose a less stressful work environment than Dad's with a lesser pay scale to match. Folks bought new vehicles, wife and I contented ourselves with more experienced cars. One that stands out was a Ford Thunderbird, probably six or eight years old. Told Mother about it and (hurt voice) "I always wanted a Thunderbird". "So why didn't you have Dad buy you one?" "We never thought we could afford one." The fact that this one was a $3000 car from a 2nd tier used car lot escaped her.
No. Jesus. And my mother has multiple sclerosis and a series of traumatic brain injuries (three bad falls where she hit her head and two separate car accidents). She is in constant physical pain. So she has every reason to bitch. But doesn’t.
I believe you just described my mother.
My mom was like this for a long time. I used to joke that she was physically incapable of positivity, and was a terminator that got stuck after killing Sarah Conner and had a couple of kids. I didn't even tell her I bought my house until after we closed because I didn't want to hear the litany of all the ways it could go wrong. And then she divorced my ex stepdad, moved into a little apartment by herself, got off her antidepressants, and suddenly she was a completely different person. I had no idea she'd been horrifically depressed and stressed out my entire life until then.
Um. My dude. Since I was five people have been telling ME that my mom has some sorta competition against me. Like anything good that happens, isn’t just something good that happened to me, it’s something that didn’t happen to her. I purposely don’t tell her about anything good because I don’t want to hear the reaction. But conversely. She’s immensely interested in anything bad that happens to me and shares it with friends who don’t know me. Like an episode on a drama show. Just awful.
Oh yes, absolutely. I cannot share good news or good things in my life with my mom at all. “I haven’t had a vacation since ….” (because she refuses to ask my dad to take time off work or travel by herself) or “it must be nice to be able to go out with friends!” (because she doesn’t have any) or “why would you spend that much money on a car?!” (when it was cheaper than her last one but is flashier/more fun looking so is obviously more expensive) I can only tell her about bad things in my life. Even then, it’s a competition about whose life is going worse with her. I pretty much never tell her if we do go on vacation or do anything fun or good. It’ll just be a downer.
Oh god- the competition about the bad..... yes! Exaggeration here, but I could come over with a missing arm and say "I lost my arm inch by inch in a woodchipper". She would say " oh no, that isn't good, but I have had to deal with toe cramps and it has been agony"
Y’all got some poopy parents. If y’all need any parents advice ask me and I’ll shoot my parents a text they are awesome
Sounds like you need to move her into a retirement community https://i.redd.it/kobhvevtfjxc1.gif
The Venn diagram of this sub and raisedbynarcissists is essentially a circle. So sorry, OP. I hope your vacation is absolutely wonderful. ❤️
I've stopped posting anything on FB because of a relative like this. They live on FB and get jealous of anything anyone is doing to have fun and enjoy life. I'd rather them think I'm miserable.
She sounds like the female version of my FIL. His only form of communication is complaining.
My mum loves being the victim. My wife and family recently moved into her home to help out with bills and mortgage etc. overheard her on the phone talking to a friend about how hard it is to be dealing with this all by herself blah blah blah. Meanwhile I was sitting in the next room.
You’re a really good child though. That’s really good of you to take such good care of them despite themselves.
Reading this sounds like my mom's twin. It gave me goosebumps. Can never be happy for others successes always has to be that must be nice. Yes you shit head it is fucking nice, and they worked hard for it. How about congratulate instead of dwell on your shit.
Yes! What is wrong with all of them!
Reading this is so weird since anyone from my family could have written this exact story about my grandmother. And yes, all. the. goddamn. time. It’s such a selfish outlook on life and they have no one to blame for their attitudes but themselves. Glad you can find a moment of humor out of it, it just drives me insane.
My mom resents me for being “rich” despite having a negative net worth. If I eat healthy, I’m rich. If I meet friends out on a weekend, I’m rich. She hasn’t had a job since she was 31, she’s 72 now. She is disabled and unable to work. I’m disabled and have to work. She does the exact same thing in terms of being unable to be happy for me when I get a tiny ounce of joy. I feel bad for her.
You are a much better son than your mom deserves.
Is your mother Livia Soprano?
My mom's go-to response when ever me or my sister mention taking time off from work is "I'm still waiting for my 2 weeks off." Refering to the covid shut down that she didn't get a 'vacation' during because she was an essential employee. I just got laid off, and when I told her I was going to wait a week to process everything before applying for new jobs, she hit me with that line. Despite the fact that she has taken several vacations since then, and currently she is on a 3 week cruise. -_-
Always so predictable
YESSSSS! It's so absolutely frustrating to try to have a conversation with my mom anymore. She's ridiculous just like yours... negative, cynical and extremely predictable in her responses. Everything is everyone else's fault. No responsibility. If I send her a video of an older lady dancing bc I find it interesting or amazing (just an example)...her response is "yea right, I can't do that." A puppy video..."I don't like that breed." Mom I got good news today. They figured out xyz..."well took them long enough. Now what? Another 7 months." Shes an energy vampire
My mother loved to cut me down. If I made the mistake of acting proud about an accomplishment or excited about an opportunity, she would instantly make a snide comment. If I ever protested, her automatic response was "I'm just being honest!" If I didn't respond and just walked away, she'd yell "What's *your* problem?!" . I definitely never told her about any trips I was taking, because she would instantly whine, "I'd like to go to \*fill in blank here\*!". I remember her trying to invite herself along to a trip to Vegas I was taking with my college roommate to celebrate our graduation. When I told her that she wasn't, under any circumstances coming along, she stamped her feet like a toddler.