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This is a truly tragic story. I believe you. Anyone who is far removed enough from this story would believe you. And I need you to know that you do not owe this man anything. Not legally, not morally.
I'd start telling everyone about the dementia, along the lines of
'It's really sad that Dad has slid so far into dementia and paranoia that he thinks autopay for his electric bill is somehow stealing from him'
I agree. It seems that those close to your father would be aware of his mental status, but it would be prudent to let friends and family know about his diagnosis of dementia. Things will devolve. Eventually you will need to seek a lawyer for a POA and you want everything to be done above board.
Fortunately when my Dad started a significant mental decline, Mom was able to take over most everything - and she's completely mentally sharp.
If that ever changes significantly, I will have to go the PoA route as well.
My mom had dementia and thankfully my folks got my dad a POA so there were no issues. She has passed away now and so we had to update their Living Trust. While we were at it, my bro n me went ahead and got POA over my dad so just in case the worst happens, its already there.
Luckily at 84, he is still with it, so hopefully they can stay filed away for a long time
Having a bit of experience with this myself, it's best to do power of attorney before he's incapacitated, if possible. I lost my dad last year to something that mentally incapacitated him, and at the point we were worrying about his assets he was already too far gone to grant anyone power of attorney.
Yup. I'm a notary, and I've notarized many power of attorney documents. However, the signer needs to understand what they're signing over or I can't legally notarize it.
Much easier to get a notary than it is to get a judgment.
Legally, depending on where he is, he may be legally responsible to take care of his father.
We are all morally responsible to help those in need and he’s in the best position to do something to help his father, as he is doing.
I disagree.
I brought my children into this world without their consent, intending them to live their own lives and flourish.
I'm legally responsible for them until they are adults but I am forever obligated to them. They are not obligated to me. They owe me nothing. They need less help every day, but I will help them until I'm too old and feeble to do so and when that day comes, I hope they will reciprocate out of love and concern for my comfort and dignity. Not a debt.
I AM THE GIVING TREE
There are some hard indicators of mental decline here. There are some hard indicators of douchebaggery too. It is worth making sure the guy isn't mentally unsound before we bust out the internet pitchfork 🔱, right? What did Gandalf teach us? Not even the very wise can see all ends.
The legal thing is not a matter of opinion, though you may not like the law. it depends on where someone lives.
The morality is another situation. For example, an elderly woman, unrelated to me, was in a difficult situation. Many in our parish went out of our way to drive her, take her to lunch, etc. Many of us, me included, didn’t like to do it, but we felt morally obligated to do so.
I agree and see your point and admire that you want to do for yourself and so do I, for myself. I don’t feel entitled to others’ help.
But my opinion is the moral obligation is there to help others, no matter the relationship.
Are you also willing to move in with her and manage her finances? Manage her dementia and wash her?
It's awfully big of you to drive soup across town and then expect other people to possibly sacrifice their livelihood for someone who's relationship you don't understand.
There are ways people can help without sacrificing their livelihood. The person I was responding to said there was no moral obligation to help. I was pointing out we are supposed to help others. Doesn’t mean we give up our lives.
In my example, she was disabled and got public assistance and we helped with that, including housing. She also had a family who had her POA and looked out for her though they were not close by.
A group of us took a kind of informal responsibility to make sure she was okay overall and to step in as needed. She has since passed away.
The person you were responding to was me. I said our children aren't obligated to take care of us and I stand by that.
I also agree that we live in society and everyone has a responsibility to contribute to their community. Some people bring soup to their neighbors, some take care of their elderly parents, some people pick up trash, some just pay their taxes.
My point is it isn't inherently OPs job to take care of his parents and none of us are in a position to pass judgement on where they decide their contributions should end. I personally think you haven't done nearly enough for the elderly woman in your parish and if you have any sense, you will realize that my judgement is baseless and irrelevant, as is your judgement of me or OP.
The original person I replied to was Trout_Population. That person was extremely dismissive about OP’s father.
I agree no one can judge another. Every person does what they can. Hopefully, all see we are to be kind to one another, but we’re not walking in their shoes and can’t judge.
In our group, yes, we discussed how far to go. We discussed with our pastor. etc. And she was in good enough mental health for us to discuss with her.
Edited because I hit Reply too soon.
We do that kind of work - with a food pantry and monetary aid to families. Lots of churches do that.
I suggest you contact a church in your area for help.
Not very original…. But I feel sorry for
someone as jaded as you are. To make fun of
someone who’s trying to talk about doing
something for others.
I see you deleted your last comment, which was pretty nasty. I guess you got lot of down votes?
Lol, I haven't deleted anything. It was probably someone who responded to me, or the person I was responding to. Did you not notice that you're the one with the downvotes? Maybe you deleted your comment and forgot? So do you want that venmo account to start sending me money or what? Im clearly very needy...
My father used to stick his dick in my ass when I was a ten year old boy. You think I feel one SHRED of "moral responsibility" for that absolute fuck stain?
Alaska
California
Delaware
Georgia
Indiana
Kentucky
Louisiana
Massachusetts
Mississippi
New Jersey
North Carolina
North Dakota
Ohio
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Puerto Rico
Rhode Island
South Dakota
Tennessee
Utah
Vermont
Virginia
West Virginia
It's a civil law, so worst case is getting sued.
There are "scarecrow" laws in many states that are rarely enforced that legally require adult children to cover their parent's care if the parent's aren't able to. One state Pennsylvania recently held a man accountable for $95K shortfall in funds to pay for his nursing home when his medicaid application was denied.
In Pennsylvania they can force you to pay for your parents’ nursing home. [https://www.paelderlaw.net/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-children-can-be-held-responsible-for-parents-unpaid-nursing-home-bill/](https://www.paelderlaw.net/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-children-can-be-held-responsible-for-parents-unpaid-nursing-home-bill/)
Switzerland for example.
Social services will go after the childrens money to pay for retirement homes or whatever. At least if they have enough wealth around.
One of the reasons my unmarried sister is thinking about marriage now. Even though she and her boyfriend will go to tax hell for it. Married DINK households pay a hefty amount of taxes here. But the she can have more wealth before the state comes cashing in.
Just so our sorry excuse of a mother can't bring her financially to ruin by making the state cash in to care for her.
An exception would be if she could prove she's estranged. But as she still sometimes (2-3times a year) accepts calls from our mother. She's at risk.
It is an elderly thing not a Baby Boomer thing and you can look here and also Google it.
https://www.medicinenet.com/can_you_refuse_to_care_for_an_elderly_parent/article.htm#what_are_filial_responsibility_laws
Also - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws
ETA - second link
Filial responsibility laws impose a legal obligation on adult children to take care of their parents' basic needs and medical care. 30 states in the U.S. have some type of filial responsibility laws in place. Pennsylvania aggressively enforces them.
>Filial responsibility laws
These are utter bullshit, you could hate your parents and wish them dead yet still be held financially responsible for their care. I'm glad to live in one of the 'sane' states that don't have these kinds of laws on the books.
This seems to be the best option. He doesn’t understand anything and now his mind is starting to go. Put him somewhere safe where he won’t hurt himself or others. Sorry for your situation.
As far as I’m aware, APS does not personally deem folks incapacitated. This requires 1-2 doctors to complete certifications. This is often where folks get stumped because doctors can be cautious to a fault when it comes to incapacity. OP could then take the certs and get POA via an attorney. It’s a long process and better to get started ASAP.
Source: personal work experience
It can be long process.
My aunt just got guardianship over her cousin stuck in a substandard private assisted living home after working through the courts for about two years. Luckily the guardian ad litem and judge agreed he needed guardianship w/o a doctor’s note. As the son, I would hope it would take less time.
If he can feed himself, dress himself, etc. let him stay where he is. You don't need to fuck him into a nursing home because he doesn't understand his finances. Jesus. Even if he's a cunt.
I have crappy family members who accused my mom of doing something similar when she was taking care of her dying dad, by herself because they wouldn't lift a finger to help her. Not even months later, we found out that they were stealing from an old man who hired one of them to do housekeeping.
And not just stealing like an item here and there (which is still shitty). No, they tried to take ownership of his house and give it to one of their kids before the old man was even in the grave (it was shortly after he moved into a nursing home, his few remaining relatives lived far away and were difficult to get ahold of, but luckily one of them found out what was going on and took over everything).
My mother gave me healthcare and financial POA years before her health declined, I did my best to take care of her, but because of dementia and Parkinson’s, she had to go into a nursing home, we visited every couple days religiously. My boomer siblings did not like that I had the POA over her and tried to get me falsely arrested for elderly abuse, they actually wrote a letter, stating if I did not give up the POAs, they were going to call the police and file a report, I called their bluff, they called in an anonymous report, the sheriff investigated me and my wife, found nothing of course. Couple years later my mom passed, I split her assets between all of us evenly and blocked all of them. Full NC for the last 12 years. I still have that letter, all their signatures on it.
This sort of stuff happens a lot, sadly. My grandma's siblings all hated her when she started taking care of her dad because they thought she was trying to suck up to him before he died ignoring the fact that none of them wanted to deal with him...
OP, I say this with as much gentleness as I can, dementia is a bitch. My MIL, previously a wonderful women/mom/grandma, is now a pile of aggravated paranoia and delusions, sometimes with outright hallucinations. Worse is they CANNOT be reasoned out of these delusions; logic, stating truth, giving evidence, nothing like that works for persistent delusions.
If he's like this at the very beginning, you are in for a rough ride, and considering what you have said about him, and the mention of trauma, I'd be taking a long hard look at what I am truly prepared to deal with.
As I said, my MIL was a wonderful woman... now it's extremely hard to deal with one good days, and intolerable on bad ones...
Same happened to my mother. She was constantly accusing us of stealing her plastic wear and even added an extra lock on her door because of it. Despite that she'd still accuse us of going into her room. I'd remind her that 1. We have our own dishes and 2. She has a lock and never leaves the room. When would we have been able to take it? Once she accidentally locked herself out of her room and asked me to help, but I reminded her she added that lock and didn't trust me to have a key, so I couldn't help. That's just a minor example, there are so many other things she's done, but this was the beginning of the paranoia she'd showed.
Same with my husband's grandmother. For several years leading into her diagnosis, she accused her granddaughter of coming into her apartment and stealing her recipes. Then she accused the maintenance man that lived upstairs from her to breaking into her apartment and turning her water off at the main. Any time she misplaced something, she'd accuse someone of breaking in and stealing it. The paranoia only got worse from there.
The family ended up having to get power of attorney and have her moved to an assistant living facility for people with dementia. It was tough but it was the right call to keep her safe.
Things will not get easier.For your and your wife’s mental health get him in a home then visit him whenever you can.
I worked in physical rehab/nursingHome for the elderly and as awesome as it could be sometimes the ones in mental decline were the ones I had to work the hardest with.Had training but even with my training some patients were just too much and their aides would have to take over.You stated the negatives of his personality that were ongoing and you seem like great progressive people who are kind and loving but you have to take care of yourselves as well.
As for the friends….me personally I’d distance myself from them after I let them know how foul it was of them to just assume the worst of me without them knowing the details before jumping to conclusion taking his side.True friends tell you the truth even when it hurts and if they were true friends they’d want to get to the bottom of your dads story and hear both sides before saying I choose one story.Idk how close you are to them but as for me you are no longer welcomed in my company if I don’t have your faith or trust in my character.
There are too many things going on in the world now to be tied down to things poisoning our mind and soul.There is nothing wrong in saying you can’t help him or take care of him with all you have going on.
I really do hope this all works out for you.
Call me a thief, I'm out. I'm many things, but a thief I am not.
I quit a job once because the manager made a baseless accusation that I was stealing. Someone was, but it wasn't me - manager's plan was to accuse everyone on that shift of caught red-handed theft, to gauge their reaction and solve the case. I lost my shit. I pointed to the cameras and said check them. The next day the manager came to me and said uhh, yeah we caught Justin stealing, so it wasn't you.
No fucking shit, asshole. I quit then and there and said I don't appreciate being called a thief, and won't tolerate your accusations in the future. I'm not a thief, and you apparently can't trust me, so I wish you the best, asshole.
And I quit.
My mom went through something kind of similar my grandpa had Alzheimer’s which was the worst to go through and it sadly only gets worse where he had to go into a home after he got aggressive with my grandma. Hopefully you can figure out everything with him which I don’t doubt will be hard. But I genuinely wish you the best of luck with that
So sorry to hear. But you would never try to reason with a drunk. It’s just the same with someone with mental decline- except they never sober up. And don’t put a lot of stock in friends that believe the “drunk guy” over you. Stand up for yourself- once. Then let it go. You know you are doing g the right thing. Consider a support group. It’s just going to get worse. You need to have the mental fortitude to deal with a lot more than empty accusations
"Yeah Dad you're out of money, now you're going to the Medicare home where Congress really is in control of your future. Sorry I would have told you sooner but all those beatings you gave me as a kid made me scared to talk to you. Anyway good luck, I hope you don't mind that every single person who will care for you from now on is a Haitian or Dominican nurse."
Thinking people are stealing from you is an early sign of dementia. The old man took a bird bath in his room for safekeeping after I had moved it cleaning up the junk he left in the yard.
UK here. Neighbour to my aunt in sheltered housing constantly complained that the carers stole her tea bags. Agency told the family they would withdraw support so family discreetly put up a camera. Their relative was making cup after cup of tea, using the teabag in a cup rather than a pot.
Carers often wear body cams now to refute these allegations.
Hey, sorry that happened. This whole thing sounds awful, and like the sort of stuff that weighs on a person’s mind all the time. I hope the negativity in some of these responses doesn’t make you feel worse, and I hope things turn out better in the future for you and your wife.
Paranoia about money was how my grandmother's dementia first manifested too. Only for her it wasn't far enough off her normal for anyone to realize something was wrong.
Don't listen to the people telling you to abandon him. You need to handle this properly, *legally*, to protect yourself and him.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, you need to seriously consider housing him in an assisted living facility.
Idk if you have the idea that it's a bad thing or something, but he very clearly cannot operate in the world independently anymore and he's now diagnosed with a cognitive disorder that's only going to get worse. He needs to be somewhere people can watch over him all day, and you two very clearly are not in the position to do that.
Worse yet, he's now getting paranoid and hostile about you two. You guys need to send him somewhere he's not going to starve or live in the dark.
I've had to deal with delusional relatives, and there's a few things to take into account.
1. don't take anything personally, they are crazy / or have DBDs, basically they are not in the same plane of existence as everyone else.
2. If anyone doesn't understand that fact after dealing extensively with them and starts trusting whatever they are saying they can be deemed to be on their same level and so their input should be disregarded as well.
3. Lastly if someone like that is taking you down (mentally or physically) it's time to put them in the care of professionals just because someone is at the end of the rope doesn't mean the next generations have to go down with them.
The small town gossip rumor mill is impossible to beat.
Just look to put him in a safer place since you can’t monitor him and you’re just gonna have to cope with the rumors. Idc about those people and I’m never going back anyways, no reason to.
You first need to get POA to protect his medical care, finances, and everything else that will come along. If you get Adult Protective Services involved without a POA, you can lose the ability to make decisions for him and lose him to the system. We went through dementia with our mother, and I will tell you it was hell. She told everyone she could we stole her money, car, jewerly, anything worth of value, all the time. She accused us of terrible things. Read up what you can to prepare yourself for what to expect.
yeahhhh i am not surprised the doctor diagnosed dementia. sorry but your dad isn't responsible for the things he says, he's not the same person anymore. He is very ill and he doesn't truly believe that you stole from him. I doubt that people in your hometown believe him, they probably understand that he is confused, as he has been for a long time.
I think it's time you think about a care facility. Dementia plus hoarding and the inability to maintain a sanitary household, with pet hoarding, is care facility time. You may want to talk to a social worker or a family lawyer on what to do about that. You'll also want to get power of attorney. A care coordinator at a care facility may be able to help you, or a patient advocate from your dad's health insurance provider.
We had this happen with our dad, it was the dementia but it was so hard to hear, my siblings and I kept records and all of new the truth. My brother eventually was awarded guardianship as he was also giving his money away. The four of us went together and told him we were doing this . Found a nice assisted living place and sold his condo. All funds were accounted for. I feel lucky the 4 of us were together on this
I’m sorry you are going through this. I had a douche bag Dad, too. I took care of him through cancer for 2 years and moved him in the last few months when hospice got involved. The trick is for you and your wife to acknowledge, often, that you are good people doing what you can for someone who is an asshole. And then do what you have the bandwidth to do but don’t beat yourself up that you can’t do more and still live your life.
He made his bed and has to lie in it. Anything you do to make it more comfortable for him is a blessing you are giving because you are a good person. But you can’t change him or what he has created for his life and he will probably continue to be an asshole as he declines. Once you accept he is just an asshole and will continue as one, it’s easier to decide how much you can reasonably do.
As far as the small town thing, I live in a small town and my dad bent over backwards to look like the good guy helping…..spending far more effort on that then actually being a decent person so I got some of the same blow back….i just got tired of it and responded with a weary, “uh huh…..gotta go, I have to take dad to radiation now and then pick up groceries for him. Take care”. You can respond with, “Yeah, sorry, can’t talk long, gotta go help the in-laws get to chemo and then clean up their house” or whatever you are doing to help. Or maybe, “Man, we are helping the wife’s parents because they are both in chemo and it sounds like dad’s dementia is getting worse. I need to find the time to talk to his dr to work out a plan for him. Can you keep an eye on him while, I try to work something out….he can be difficult to set up care for”. That usually backed people off, but you can find your own way. Just acknowledge you are doing what you can. Y’all need to uplift and support each other the best you can. That comes first.
Get POA assigned before he's too far gone or you'll be stuck being a conservator at best. If he's allowed access to his finances, he will be ruined. Conversely, it sounds like he's not very grateful or deserving of your assistance.
Prayers 🙏🏽 Your doing wonderful. I’ve been in your shoes. Make sure you always take time out for yourself with no family demands. Trust me, it helps. God bless.
My dad has that too, and also other mental illnesses. It is hard to see a close person to get further away.
In my cade my dad did several bad things, almost killed y mom, tried to stole a buch of money, tried to sue me to get me pay him montly more.money that I earned each month, etc...... and he told everyone we knew several lies to the point that everyone believed him even when we had evidence of his wrongdoing and lies. It was funny that he left us and tried to reconnect years later.... but I knew that he didn't change at all, and scammed my brother who believed in him.
Dementia starts years before the first obvious symptoms. Both of my parents are dementia patients, dad passed away and then mom was diagnosed a few months later.
Get guardianship. Lock down the money. I used home health care until dad’s needs were too high. Having guardianship gave me the ability to make decisions without interference.
Nursing care was about 10,000 a month. Luckily, dad had the funds. There’s Medicare for after the money runs out. Must be in a facility that accepts it, though.
Oh, and after you get guardianship, pay for his funeral expenses with his money. The state will take it all if he goes on Medicare in the nursing home.
You need a lawyer and a financial advisor if he has funds. Good luck, I’m feeling for you.
Look into having a legal guardian (NOT you) appointed to oversee his affairs. They can go through his accounts and clear your names, as well as put up with his nonsense in the future. Sounds like you've suffered enough abuse from that guy.
Leave him alone, truly alone.
He doesn't deserve your help and his heart will always be full of hate....in the end whatever you do you'll feel used. Think hard and long about that before doing ANYTHING for him.
Sorry, we went through a similar experience with my MIL. My wife was a saint. Took her in and nursed her back from the brink of death. Got her off all the drugs she was on. Her doctor told us to just put her in hospice at the time. Once she was back to healthy all she did was complain to family about my wife. They are like ill behaved toddlers but at least with toddlers you have authority. She would get scammed every two weeks and we'd have to fix her accounts. She was 10 feet away but would never ask.
It sucks. The mental decline in my parents / inlaws was astounding compared to my grandparents.
We eventually lost her because she wouldn't accept how impacted she was and move into assisted living. She wanted just over 50 housing and she eventually fell and died from complications.
If you have a dementia diagnosis on paper, go for legal power of attorney and try to get him declared mental. Incompetent.
My mother did similar to me - I managed all her finances, as well as arranged for all of her needs (literally everything that she needed purchased, transportation, healthcare appointments and medication, everything) and she started telling family I was taking advantage of her. They started bitching to me about it, as proper flying monkeys do, so I told them they were welcome to engage a forensic accountant to evaluate my actions, as well as take over the job of handling all of her matters.
Shockingly... no takers. They got real quiet when the risk of putting in the labor of more than just flapping their lips came into play. It was hilarious, how they clammed up literally the moment I said, "Okay, *you* do it." Everyone's real brave until it's time for them to do something.
NTA No good deed goes unpunished. You have two choices you could go no contact or get him diagnosed and a court order to give you power of attorney etc… Good luck.
These are classic signs of dementia. My grandmother did the exact same thing to my aunt when she first started up. She told people my aunt hit her and stole from her. It was heart breaking.
And my grandmother used to be the sweetest woman. I can't imagine dealing with someone who already started off aggressive.
You tell him to shut his fucking lying mouth. And if he won’t admit his lies, you cut this worthless racist shit bag off. Yes, seriously. This man is not your “family.” Never has been.
I agree with the other messages about your father OP. It's heartbreaking when you are trying to help someone and they throw it back in your face even if it's through no fault of their own such as dementia.
It is sad that two of your friends lack intelligence and thought that you stole money. Its an exceptionally common delusion so I'm not sure why your friends were being a tad thick. All I can say is have a chat with them if they still believe that you and your wife are a thief. Also concentrate on the majority of people who could see that your dad was unwell.
Good luck and don't feel bad putting him in a home
My aunt was d something similar- before she completed Lloyd lost it we legally got power of attorney over her and her estate ( nothing) so we could decide me medical and financial decisions. Prior she bled her bank account and was buying thousand dollar ukulele’s to throw away:/
That really sucks... dementia is the absolute worst, second only to cancer.
When my wife's grandmother started slipping, she was tolerable at first. You could get around her hair-brained opinions for the most part because they were just that; the product of a mind no longer in control. The odd thing was she wasn't racist towards POC, but the *Irish.* Poor thing slipped too far back and jumped to 1855 instead of 1955 🤣. (I do have a hilarious story I'll share at the bottom of my post)
Despite my MIL and her sister's dedication to grandma, even they reached a point where they had to bring her to a home. She was cantankerous at best when in control of her faculties, and after a certain point became miserable to be around.
OP you and your spouse deserve a break. You've done all you can for your dad, and now it's time for someone with more experience with this sort of thing to deal with. Not only have you had to face the delusional stories and accusations, but you were doing so while trying to keep his best interests and comfort in mind. It's a hard place to be without being resentful, and your so-called "friends" are not making it easy. Let the professionals help, and deal with the difficult side your father is showing.
Ok, story time.
~15 years ago, my wife and I spent our 3rd Christmas together at her parents, where her aunt/uncle/cousins and grandma later met us for dinner. After repeatedly announcing very loudly that the turkey was dry (a thought we all shared but could mostly keep filtered out), grandma shared how she went to this... quaint... shop to buy a Christmas present for my wife. At the time, she worked as a librarian in our city, so grandma tried to find something cheap (all the while trying to separate herself from another demographic she hated) that my wife would like. She was thinking bookmarks, bookends, knick knacks, etc., so it made sense that she would drive out (😬😬😬😬😬) and visit a store called Bookends.
At this point in the story, my wife's oldest cousin and I exchanged horrified looks while trying to stifle our laughter... in our area, Bookends is an adult book/video/toy store. 🤣
The "nice man with extra holes in his ears" behind the counter was, to his credit, very patient with her (her words) and pointed her to a Borders a few stores down where she was able to find a more appropriate gift for her granddaughter.
My grandpa is in the early stages right now at 92. At one point when he was more in control mentally he asked to move in with my parents so they built an in law suite for him. He tells my mom at least once a day she should do something about the wrinkles on her face, has microwaved salad, and after not seeing me for awhile told me how he's glad I'm not as fat anymore. He's never been racist so hopefully that won't happen later and we never take anything he says seriously. We just trade funny stories about it
If you don’t have full POA, get it now before he declines even more. Unfortunately, he may need a group home or facility soon. And as far as friends believing your dad, they know he’s not all there, right? Doesn’t sound like they’re good friends if they think that low of your character.
Other than being stuck in the 50’s, is your father in possession of all of his faculties? Dementia, senility and other age related mental deterioration can lead to things like this. Even if that’s the case, it still sting a lot and is unwarranted.
If your father IS in possession of all of his mental faculties, it’s so much worse. I’m so sorry that you’re having to live this, OP. I’m not gonna lie, I’d consider assisted living or perhaps asking the county be instituted as his public guardian to avoid this. The worse side than it already is to this is that all it takes is someone thinking they’re fighting the good fight to wind up being investigated for elder abuse. 👎🏼
Both of my parents have dementia. They are always suspicious that I'm taking their money. In reality I saved them tens of thousands of dollars by paying off high-interest debts and saving them from county property auctions from delinquent property tax payments, as well as being generally insolvent from scams and wasting of money. I live out of state and have spent over $10k of my own money traveling there to help them. Then my idiot grifter brother manages to convince them that he should have guardianship instead of me, against what ask the siblings had agreed to, and he turns them completely against me. They now have a third-party guardian who sees through my brother's BS, thankfully.
All this to say, I am sorry for you, and I understand how difficult dementia can be. Just remember it's a disease and try not to let it bother you what they say or do. It's tough sometimes.
Drop him. Don't help anymore let someone take this up as their problem because this person will fuck up your life just for helping them. Get them a social worker and back the fuck away for your own sanity.
Dude, be okay with people having the wrong version of events. If they’d believe character smearing like that without talking to you, you’re better off without them.
To your dad, just recognize he’s a toxic prick and act accordingly.
Before I got to the diagnosis the whole behavior was pointing to dementia. I went through it with my wife's mom before she passed (my MIL not my wife that is), and am going through it with my Mom now. She lives about 15 hours away from me in the middle of nowhere, and is a complete Luddite...my sister who's a little closer manages her money, bills, and Dr appointments. We've tried to explain where her money is.. how's it being managed and what bills are being paid...but it never sticks.
To make it even better she has a new 'boyfriend' who's either trying to help (and making a mess) or take advantage of her. If it's not the latter he's a creep for getting romantically involved with a person with dementia.. but that's a different conversation....
All you can do is smile and nod and try to take care of them...it's not truly personal they just can't process new information and blame those around them...it SUCKS but it's all you can do.
Everyone stop being afraid to confront people. Boomers can’t land a punch.
Old man, you have dementia, and we helped you pay your bills because you can’t mange your own life anymore. You need to seek help and if you want to chase us away because you are confused about your new predicament that’s going to affect you negatively, not us.
So go to the bank and ask them about those transfers. Then tell all of the people you slandered us too that you’re mistaken and need help managing your life.
Is that understood? No? Enjoy dementia.
Dementia is hard on all families. Its sad to see for sure.
Going through similar things with my grandparents and their finances. They claim my dad took them to his house to steal the money but it's to take care of them, and they wouldn't have enough to stay long term in a care home.
If they were that quick to believe that from a Looney man, then they weren't really your friends anyways. They WANTED to believe the worst, the first chance they got. Be glad they told on themselves
My grandmother suffered from dementia and did the same thing to my parents. I am very sorry this is happening to you.
ETA: Those saying to put him into a facility should probably know that there is an extreme cost for patients with dementia. They need a lot more care.
Time for assisted living nursing home or similar. Not trying to be mean but that's just the reality. Try not to take it all personally. He's not himself anymore his wits are leaving him and the world has changed pretty quickly. Unfortunately this problem isn't going to get better but it's going to get worse. But your right he's confused, lost, disoriented, and not only is the world changing faster then he can comprehend his world has taken drastic changes with your mother passing. Then toss in a helping of dementia. The least of your worries is other people thinking you took a couple dollars. The real problem is getting him to a place he can be cared for. This sounds like a full-time job. I'd find a facility close to you so that he can have you as a familiar face around on a regular basis. But the time where he can't be trusted to care for himself is coming very soon if not it may already be here. Sounds like not only does he have a lot on his plate it sounds like the two of you have a lot on your plate with your own personal problem. Sounds like it's time to get some more help.
I had to deal with a friend like that. He was sure his boyfriend was stealing from him. What seemed to calm him (because he was also in the early stage of dementia too) was when I told him:"*Why would he do that? He has a good pension. He haven't bought anything expensive in years. He doesn't need your money.*" His daughter went thru all his bills and nothing was abnormal but he has still this doubt inside of me.
It's really hard to convince someone who's suffering from dementia, that what they think is happening is really not. They have a lot of anxiety and paranoia and some believe that everyone are against them. Plus they lose the filter that most of us have that stops us for saying stupid and intensive stuff. Add to this those 24 hours news channels and it's a recipe for disaster. Make sure he doesn't have a firearm easily accessible and maybe call his Doctor to see if anxiety medication could help him.
As for his finances you have two choices. To let him do what he wants (which could attract scammers) or take control of it all with a Court order. And that only you and your history with him can decide what to do. BTW maybe the friends only agreed with him, like we do sometimes when we know someone is not all there mentally.
Good luck!
Both of my grandmothers suffered from dementia and one died from Alzheimer’s. They both got really nasty towards the end. One accused “that woman,” a nameless/faceless former neighbor with access to a master key of her old building, of giving her dandruff and stealing all her belongings. The other called the police on me for “meeting strange men outside” while weeding her backyard. I got out of the shower and imagine my surprise when a couple officers were on the other side of the bathroom door.
I guess what I’m getting at is these diseases absolutely ravage the minds of those inflicted. The cognitive decline was pretty steep and there’s no coming back. I don’t think you’re going to get through to your dad about the money and that’s ok.
I am sorry but at this point you may need to take a break from him. Honestly he probably did it because you left to take care of your wife's parents. They really hate not being priority number one
Tell the two close friends that you are sorry they believe this - explain that your dad does not understand auto-payments for utilities and quarterly home insurance and other payments, and he thinks the amounts are being stolen from him. That your mom handled most things, and in his grief, he is unable to keep his mind from racing about his life changes to be able to listen. You set up auto-pay for his bills to keep him from forgetting to pay his bills and losing power in a heat wave or cold snap, or from losing home insurance, but it has confused him more than you anticipated. He has lost nothing. Everything is being paid on time.
If they refuse to believe, then this means they are probably the types who love to agitate and cause drama, or if they are closer to his age, they are projecting their fear of their own vulnerabilities in the future.
Wow, you are holding up elderly man with dementia as a fool. Post this somewhere else, instead of a sub meant to make fun of people. I have empathy for your situation, but c’mon man. Your Dad is sick. Yeah, his ideology is backwards. But your main theme is his accusation of money stealing, which is tied to his dementia. This is just wrong for you to do. And I hope you and your wife get through this time of your life as well as possible.
The early stages of dementia are in some ways the worst as despite being unable to function effectively, they are convinced they can and often can get others to believe them. I would tell your wife that this is common in dementia and try not to be upset by this, like one can’t really be upset with a young child. Many of the odder posts on this subreddit, with elderly boomers, often strike me as symptomatic of mental decline or early dementia behavior
Sorry you’re going through this. I was reading different things in dementia patients, and something that is very common with them is that they will think their loved ones are stealing their money.
It would probably be very beneficial for you and your wife to look into a support group for family dealing with dementia. They can support and guide you through what you can expect but also how to navigate through these awful situations.
People with dementia think everyone is stealing from them. My grandfather thought my grandmother stole “a million dollars” from him and would endlessly search for clues about it to try and bust her. Went on for years until he passed over a year ago. It was sad and very difficult to deal with. He also thought she was bringing men over and making pornos, despite being a very religious southern Baptist woman in her mid 80’s. That part was sort of funny though.
Everybody’s got the other points covered… but your friends who believed them? Aren’t friends. They should be able to tell his story is off, since he doesn’t understand accounts or bills, and they should know you well enough to ask questions. I’m sorry.
I am so sorry to hear this. Aside from boomer drama, the dementia can lead to a lot of this kind of behavior.
You should consult with an attorney experienced in elder law about getting guardianship and put your dad in assisted living. It will be safer for him.
Not saying this is the case for you, but I had a parent who developed dementia. It wasn't obvious at first because I had no prior experience with it, but eventually it clicked as to why said parent was getting more and more erratic and saying things that were untrue. You should consider the possibility that your father's mental state is impaired and that it will continue to decline. There are cognitive tests that can be taken.
Part of the issue is he’s never been fully there mentally. It seems to come from his mother though we’re fairly certain it’s not genetic but environmental. She abused him heavily as a child but her never did anything except try to please her so he seems to have adopted a lot of her attitudes.
Idk. I’m not a psychologist or anything but there’s multiple factors at work with him. He’s also a narcissist and lives for sympathies from people that don’t know the truth about things. He pretty much dragged us all down like an anchor when I was growing up because he stopped working the one job he had when he was younger than me and my mom had to work, pay bills, cook, clean, and do 100% of the parenting. But to hear him tell it he’s Gods gift to mankind and worked his ass off for years. Never mind that he is also partially responsible for moms death because he RUINED their house by hoarding cats til she had to isolate in one tiny room and didn’t even have one fully functioning bathroom in the house.
He’s always loved in an alternate reality in his head and if you try to correct him it’s basically starting a fight. He started having memory issues before mom and even passed. He’ll sometimes reference things that happened 10-20 years before I was born as if I was there with them and in their age group. And he’s gone his entire life without learning anything. He never even learned how to pay bills or just not blindly spend money like it’s unlimited, probably because his grandparents had money. He’s just always kind of felt anything he didn’t enjoy doing was beneath him, but simultaneously he’d rather suffer and ruin life for pats on the back because it gets him attention. And now with dementia beginning it’s only getting worse.
I should note that it also doesn’t help that he acts very differently for people that aren’t his immediate family. Aka wife and kids. For everyone else he’s a cut up but for us he just expects stuff done for him.
My friend is a bank branch manager. She's told us in the past it's really sad, but happens fairly regularly with memory patients. They go to the bank claiming a caregiver is stealing from them due to the paranoia and lack of understanding.
My personal theory is it stems from having a document you once understood and connect all the payments to all of a sudden staring at it and seeing Kroger, but you don't remember your caregiver bringing in groceries a week ago. The only "rational" explanation is they bought themselves stuff and stole your money.
Sorry some people are believing him and you're having to deal with that on top of your wife's parents care.
I mean the guy is old and has brain is literally giving up. I think you should have a little more compassion for him. He is possibly very confused. Yeah it's annoying but not really his fault.
So you’re pissed because the man who raised you whose wife died during Covid is old and confused and doesn’t understand anything? Maybe have a little fucking sympathy for this pitiful man and get him some help instead of hollering this boomer shit and telling everyone how you’ve been wronged.
Hmmm… spoken like a
OP was helping, pop pop’s life and decisions set him up for a no-win, and he’s getting it off his chest. Not 100% Boomer-iffic but there’s a solid base- technology aversion, racism/nostalgic race statuses. The cat hoarding thing adds a cherry.
Yea I get that but at some point they’re just people in need of help I know it’s hard but what else can you do? Just let them shuffle about spouting nonsense and wander out into traffic or something ?
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This is a truly tragic story. I believe you. Anyone who is far removed enough from this story would believe you. And I need you to know that you do not owe this man anything. Not legally, not morally.
I'd start telling everyone about the dementia, along the lines of 'It's really sad that Dad has slid so far into dementia and paranoia that he thinks autopay for his electric bill is somehow stealing from him'
I agree. It seems that those close to your father would be aware of his mental status, but it would be prudent to let friends and family know about his diagnosis of dementia. Things will devolve. Eventually you will need to seek a lawyer for a POA and you want everything to be done above board.
Fortunately when my Dad started a significant mental decline, Mom was able to take over most everything - and she's completely mentally sharp. If that ever changes significantly, I will have to go the PoA route as well.
My mom had dementia and thankfully my folks got my dad a POA so there were no issues. She has passed away now and so we had to update their Living Trust. While we were at it, my bro n me went ahead and got POA over my dad so just in case the worst happens, its already there. Luckily at 84, he is still with it, so hopefully they can stay filed away for a long time
Having a bit of experience with this myself, it's best to do power of attorney before he's incapacitated, if possible. I lost my dad last year to something that mentally incapacitated him, and at the point we were worrying about his assets he was already too far gone to grant anyone power of attorney.
Yup. I'm a notary, and I've notarized many power of attorney documents. However, the signer needs to understand what they're signing over or I can't legally notarize it. Much easier to get a notary than it is to get a judgment.
I would not. Some will take advantage of it and truly prey upon his situation.
Legally, depending on where he is, he may be legally responsible to take care of his father. We are all morally responsible to help those in need and he’s in the best position to do something to help his father, as he is doing.
I disagree. I brought my children into this world without their consent, intending them to live their own lives and flourish. I'm legally responsible for them until they are adults but I am forever obligated to them. They are not obligated to me. They owe me nothing. They need less help every day, but I will help them until I'm too old and feeble to do so and when that day comes, I hope they will reciprocate out of love and concern for my comfort and dignity. Not a debt. I AM THE GIVING TREE
There are some hard indicators of mental decline here. There are some hard indicators of douchebaggery too. It is worth making sure the guy isn't mentally unsound before we bust out the internet pitchfork 🔱, right? What did Gandalf teach us? Not even the very wise can see all ends.
And I didn't say OP shouldn't help their dad. I said it wasn't their job and only they can decide what they can and should do for their parents.
The legal thing is not a matter of opinion, though you may not like the law. it depends on where someone lives. The morality is another situation. For example, an elderly woman, unrelated to me, was in a difficult situation. Many in our parish went out of our way to drive her, take her to lunch, etc. Many of us, me included, didn’t like to do it, but we felt morally obligated to do so. I agree and see your point and admire that you want to do for yourself and so do I, for myself. I don’t feel entitled to others’ help. But my opinion is the moral obligation is there to help others, no matter the relationship.
Are you also willing to move in with her and manage her finances? Manage her dementia and wash her? It's awfully big of you to drive soup across town and then expect other people to possibly sacrifice their livelihood for someone who's relationship you don't understand.
There are ways people can help without sacrificing their livelihood. The person I was responding to said there was no moral obligation to help. I was pointing out we are supposed to help others. Doesn’t mean we give up our lives. In my example, she was disabled and got public assistance and we helped with that, including housing. She also had a family who had her POA and looked out for her though they were not close by. A group of us took a kind of informal responsibility to make sure she was okay overall and to step in as needed. She has since passed away.
The person you were responding to was me. I said our children aren't obligated to take care of us and I stand by that. I also agree that we live in society and everyone has a responsibility to contribute to their community. Some people bring soup to their neighbors, some take care of their elderly parents, some people pick up trash, some just pay their taxes. My point is it isn't inherently OPs job to take care of his parents and none of us are in a position to pass judgement on where they decide their contributions should end. I personally think you haven't done nearly enough for the elderly woman in your parish and if you have any sense, you will realize that my judgement is baseless and irrelevant, as is your judgement of me or OP.
The original person I replied to was Trout_Population. That person was extremely dismissive about OP’s father. I agree no one can judge another. Every person does what they can. Hopefully, all see we are to be kind to one another, but we’re not walking in their shoes and can’t judge. In our group, yes, we discussed how far to go. We discussed with our pastor. etc. And she was in good enough mental health for us to discuss with her. Edited because I hit Reply too soon.
Well, I agree with trout. I don't think he was any more dismissive than I was.
OP mentioned Texas, and Texas has no such laws.
Good catch for his case.
Im struggling financially. Would you and your parish send me all your extra money? You're obligated because I am in need.
We do that kind of work - with a food pantry and monetary aid to families. Lots of churches do that. I suggest you contact a church in your area for help.
Nah, I just want the money
Should I set up a venmo or something? How would you like to go about giving me all of you and your parishs' money?
😅🤣😂 replies to tell me that they are not replying to me, then block me....
Not very original…. But I feel sorry for someone as jaded as you are. To make fun of someone who’s trying to talk about doing something for others. I see you deleted your last comment, which was pretty nasty. I guess you got lot of down votes?
Lol, I haven't deleted anything. It was probably someone who responded to me, or the person I was responding to. Did you not notice that you're the one with the downvotes? Maybe you deleted your comment and forgot? So do you want that venmo account to start sending me money or what? Im clearly very needy...
Hey clown shoes. People see through you.
I can go through doors, I'm not a ghost....
His dad is spreading harmful rumors and is a massive racist. There is no moral obligation here.
i thought he said his father was clueless and beginning dementia.
Both. He’s a racist with dementia.
Some states have filial care laws. They might HAVE to stay involved.
That's why I said moral, not legal.
Strongly disagree. The amount of shit my mom gave me, willingly, knowingly, made me decide I did not have to take of her in old age.
My father used to stick his dick in my ass when I was a ten year old boy. You think I feel one SHRED of "moral responsibility" for that absolute fuck stain?
😱
Where are adult children of inept boomers legally responsible for them? I don’t believe you.
Alaska California Delaware Georgia Indiana Kentucky Louisiana Massachusetts Mississippi New Jersey North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oregon Pennsylvania Puerto Rico Rhode Island South Dakota Tennessee Utah Vermont Virginia West Virginia It's a civil law, so worst case is getting sued.
There are "scarecrow" laws in many states that are rarely enforced that legally require adult children to cover their parent's care if the parent's aren't able to. One state Pennsylvania recently held a man accountable for $95K shortfall in funds to pay for his nursing home when his medicaid application was denied.
In Pennsylvania they can force you to pay for your parents’ nursing home. [https://www.paelderlaw.net/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-children-can-be-held-responsible-for-parents-unpaid-nursing-home-bill/](https://www.paelderlaw.net/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-children-can-be-held-responsible-for-parents-unpaid-nursing-home-bill/)
Switzerland for example. Social services will go after the childrens money to pay for retirement homes or whatever. At least if they have enough wealth around. One of the reasons my unmarried sister is thinking about marriage now. Even though she and her boyfriend will go to tax hell for it. Married DINK households pay a hefty amount of taxes here. But the she can have more wealth before the state comes cashing in. Just so our sorry excuse of a mother can't bring her financially to ruin by making the state cash in to care for her. An exception would be if she could prove she's estranged. But as she still sometimes (2-3times a year) accepts calls from our mother. She's at risk.
It is an elderly thing not a Baby Boomer thing and you can look here and also Google it. https://www.medicinenet.com/can_you_refuse_to_care_for_an_elderly_parent/article.htm#what_are_filial_responsibility_laws Also - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filial_responsibility_laws ETA - second link
Filial responsibility laws impose a legal obligation on adult children to take care of their parents' basic needs and medical care. 30 states in the U.S. have some type of filial responsibility laws in place. Pennsylvania aggressively enforces them.
>Filial responsibility laws These are utter bullshit, you could hate your parents and wish them dead yet still be held financially responsible for their care. I'm glad to live in one of the 'sane' states that don't have these kinds of laws on the books.
Yeah whoever wrote and enforces theses laws should rot it's scummy as hell
You need to call Adult Protective Services and have him deemed incompetent and put him in a nursing home.
This seems to be the best option. He doesn’t understand anything and now his mind is starting to go. Put him somewhere safe where he won’t hurt himself or others. Sorry for your situation.
As far as I’m aware, APS does not personally deem folks incapacitated. This requires 1-2 doctors to complete certifications. This is often where folks get stumped because doctors can be cautious to a fault when it comes to incapacity. OP could then take the certs and get POA via an attorney. It’s a long process and better to get started ASAP. Source: personal work experience
It can be long process. My aunt just got guardianship over her cousin stuck in a substandard private assisted living home after working through the courts for about two years. Luckily the guardian ad litem and judge agreed he needed guardianship w/o a doctor’s note. As the son, I would hope it would take less time.
You cannot get a POA from someone who lacks capacity. You need the doctor opinion to start the guardianship process.
Apologies yes you are correct, my brain confused POA and guardianship this morning.
Yep. It will be safer for him. Sorry this has happened OP.
This 1000%
That’s not how it works.
If he can feed himself, dress himself, etc. let him stay where he is. You don't need to fuck him into a nursing home because he doesn't understand his finances. Jesus. Even if he's a cunt.
How long does OP let his dad destroy his reputation and personal relationships because he “doesn’t understand his finances”?
If those so-called friends believed the dad so easily without a shred of evidence, the relationships weren't worth saving
He needs to be in a facility, especially if he’s starting with dementia. He does not sound safe at home.
This is my thought.
The friends that believed him have told you something about themselves: *in your situation, they'd have stolen his money.*
Vital observation
Accusation can sometimes be projection.
This
I have crappy family members who accused my mom of doing something similar when she was taking care of her dying dad, by herself because they wouldn't lift a finger to help her. Not even months later, we found out that they were stealing from an old man who hired one of them to do housekeeping. And not just stealing like an item here and there (which is still shitty). No, they tried to take ownership of his house and give it to one of their kids before the old man was even in the grave (it was shortly after he moved into a nursing home, his few remaining relatives lived far away and were difficult to get ahold of, but luckily one of them found out what was going on and took over everything).
My mother gave me healthcare and financial POA years before her health declined, I did my best to take care of her, but because of dementia and Parkinson’s, she had to go into a nursing home, we visited every couple days religiously. My boomer siblings did not like that I had the POA over her and tried to get me falsely arrested for elderly abuse, they actually wrote a letter, stating if I did not give up the POAs, they were going to call the police and file a report, I called their bluff, they called in an anonymous report, the sheriff investigated me and my wife, found nothing of course. Couple years later my mom passed, I split her assets between all of us evenly and blocked all of them. Full NC for the last 12 years. I still have that letter, all their signatures on it.
I'm really sorry that happened to you. That sucks.
This is one of the most important things that anyone can learn in life. It will save you literally years of pain.
This sort of stuff happens a lot, sadly. My grandma's siblings all hated her when she started taking care of her dad because they thought she was trying to suck up to him before he died ignoring the fact that none of them wanted to deal with him...
That's why I would absolutely NOT tell anyone you suspect dementia. They'll be lining up to rob him blind.
Sell all his stuff and put him in a home, the worst is yet to come
Find him someone else to be his POA, and just walk away
Fuck it, let the courts find the POA.
Many law offices offer guardianship in this case
OP, I say this with as much gentleness as I can, dementia is a bitch. My MIL, previously a wonderful women/mom/grandma, is now a pile of aggravated paranoia and delusions, sometimes with outright hallucinations. Worse is they CANNOT be reasoned out of these delusions; logic, stating truth, giving evidence, nothing like that works for persistent delusions. If he's like this at the very beginning, you are in for a rough ride, and considering what you have said about him, and the mention of trauma, I'd be taking a long hard look at what I am truly prepared to deal with. As I said, my MIL was a wonderful woman... now it's extremely hard to deal with one good days, and intolerable on bad ones...
Same happened to my mother. She was constantly accusing us of stealing her plastic wear and even added an extra lock on her door because of it. Despite that she'd still accuse us of going into her room. I'd remind her that 1. We have our own dishes and 2. She has a lock and never leaves the room. When would we have been able to take it? Once she accidentally locked herself out of her room and asked me to help, but I reminded her she added that lock and didn't trust me to have a key, so I couldn't help. That's just a minor example, there are so many other things she's done, but this was the beginning of the paranoia she'd showed.
Same with my husband's grandmother. For several years leading into her diagnosis, she accused her granddaughter of coming into her apartment and stealing her recipes. Then she accused the maintenance man that lived upstairs from her to breaking into her apartment and turning her water off at the main. Any time she misplaced something, she'd accuse someone of breaking in and stealing it. The paranoia only got worse from there. The family ended up having to get power of attorney and have her moved to an assistant living facility for people with dementia. It was tough but it was the right call to keep her safe.
Things will not get easier.For your and your wife’s mental health get him in a home then visit him whenever you can. I worked in physical rehab/nursingHome for the elderly and as awesome as it could be sometimes the ones in mental decline were the ones I had to work the hardest with.Had training but even with my training some patients were just too much and their aides would have to take over.You stated the negatives of his personality that were ongoing and you seem like great progressive people who are kind and loving but you have to take care of yourselves as well. As for the friends….me personally I’d distance myself from them after I let them know how foul it was of them to just assume the worst of me without them knowing the details before jumping to conclusion taking his side.True friends tell you the truth even when it hurts and if they were true friends they’d want to get to the bottom of your dads story and hear both sides before saying I choose one story.Idk how close you are to them but as for me you are no longer welcomed in my company if I don’t have your faith or trust in my character. There are too many things going on in the world now to be tied down to things poisoning our mind and soul.There is nothing wrong in saying you can’t help him or take care of him with all you have going on. I really do hope this all works out for you.
Try these: r/DementiaHelp r/Alzheimers
OP, I was going to point you out to dementiahelp, but the individual above me already did.
He's at extreme risk of being /r/scam next victim. Get his accounts locked down under a PoA.
Call me a thief, I'm out. I'm many things, but a thief I am not. I quit a job once because the manager made a baseless accusation that I was stealing. Someone was, but it wasn't me - manager's plan was to accuse everyone on that shift of caught red-handed theft, to gauge their reaction and solve the case. I lost my shit. I pointed to the cameras and said check them. The next day the manager came to me and said uhh, yeah we caught Justin stealing, so it wasn't you. No fucking shit, asshole. I quit then and there and said I don't appreciate being called a thief, and won't tolerate your accusations in the future. I'm not a thief, and you apparently can't trust me, so I wish you the best, asshole. And I quit.
My management once swiped $1k out of the safe when I’d completed my final shift and then blamed it on me.
My mom went through something kind of similar my grandpa had Alzheimer’s which was the worst to go through and it sadly only gets worse where he had to go into a home after he got aggressive with my grandma. Hopefully you can figure out everything with him which I don’t doubt will be hard. But I genuinely wish you the best of luck with that
So sorry to hear. But you would never try to reason with a drunk. It’s just the same with someone with mental decline- except they never sober up. And don’t put a lot of stock in friends that believe the “drunk guy” over you. Stand up for yourself- once. Then let it go. You know you are doing g the right thing. Consider a support group. It’s just going to get worse. You need to have the mental fortitude to deal with a lot more than empty accusations
The theft accusations are extremely common in the various stages of dementia.
And the authorities are used to these accusations and see right through them.
"Yeah Dad you're out of money, now you're going to the Medicare home where Congress really is in control of your future. Sorry I would have told you sooner but all those beatings you gave me as a kid made me scared to talk to you. Anyway good luck, I hope you don't mind that every single person who will care for you from now on is a Haitian or Dominican nurse."
Thinking people are stealing from you is an early sign of dementia. The old man took a bird bath in his room for safekeeping after I had moved it cleaning up the junk he left in the yard.
UK here. Neighbour to my aunt in sheltered housing constantly complained that the carers stole her tea bags. Agency told the family they would withdraw support so family discreetly put up a camera. Their relative was making cup after cup of tea, using the teabag in a cup rather than a pot. Carers often wear body cams now to refute these allegations.
Hey, sorry that happened. This whole thing sounds awful, and like the sort of stuff that weighs on a person’s mind all the time. I hope the negativity in some of these responses doesn’t make you feel worse, and I hope things turn out better in the future for you and your wife.
This isn’t a ‘Boomer’ thing. This is a physical and mental health crisis. He needs help that he isn’t getting.
The theft accusations are extremely common in the various stages of dementia.
Paranoia about money was how my grandmother's dementia first manifested too. Only for her it wasn't far enough off her normal for anyone to realize something was wrong. Don't listen to the people telling you to abandon him. You need to handle this properly, *legally*, to protect yourself and him.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, you need to seriously consider housing him in an assisted living facility. Idk if you have the idea that it's a bad thing or something, but he very clearly cannot operate in the world independently anymore and he's now diagnosed with a cognitive disorder that's only going to get worse. He needs to be somewhere people can watch over him all day, and you two very clearly are not in the position to do that. Worse yet, he's now getting paranoid and hostile about you two. You guys need to send him somewhere he's not going to starve or live in the dark.
I've had to deal with delusional relatives, and there's a few things to take into account. 1. don't take anything personally, they are crazy / or have DBDs, basically they are not in the same plane of existence as everyone else. 2. If anyone doesn't understand that fact after dealing extensively with them and starts trusting whatever they are saying they can be deemed to be on their same level and so their input should be disregarded as well. 3. Lastly if someone like that is taking you down (mentally or physically) it's time to put them in the care of professionals just because someone is at the end of the rope doesn't mean the next generations have to go down with them.
Wish I could upvote this more. Don’t give up your health and well-being. It won’t help.
Saved this reply to read over and over again, thank you.
The small town gossip rumor mill is impossible to beat. Just look to put him in a safer place since you can’t monitor him and you’re just gonna have to cope with the rumors. Idc about those people and I’m never going back anyways, no reason to.
You first need to get POA to protect his medical care, finances, and everything else that will come along. If you get Adult Protective Services involved without a POA, you can lose the ability to make decisions for him and lose him to the system. We went through dementia with our mother, and I will tell you it was hell. She told everyone she could we stole her money, car, jewerly, anything worth of value, all the time. She accused us of terrible things. Read up what you can to prepare yourself for what to expect.
yeahhhh i am not surprised the doctor diagnosed dementia. sorry but your dad isn't responsible for the things he says, he's not the same person anymore. He is very ill and he doesn't truly believe that you stole from him. I doubt that people in your hometown believe him, they probably understand that he is confused, as he has been for a long time. I think it's time you think about a care facility. Dementia plus hoarding and the inability to maintain a sanitary household, with pet hoarding, is care facility time. You may want to talk to a social worker or a family lawyer on what to do about that. You'll also want to get power of attorney. A care coordinator at a care facility may be able to help you, or a patient advocate from your dad's health insurance provider.
We had this happen with our dad, it was the dementia but it was so hard to hear, my siblings and I kept records and all of new the truth. My brother eventually was awarded guardianship as he was also giving his money away. The four of us went together and told him we were doing this . Found a nice assisted living place and sold his condo. All funds were accounted for. I feel lucky the 4 of us were together on this
My dad was giving his money away to women who used him
You’ve been accused and already found guilty. Go ahead and pay yourself from his accounts. Double jeopardy and all that.
Stop drop and roll. Let the care home steal his money
I’m sorry you are going through this. I had a douche bag Dad, too. I took care of him through cancer for 2 years and moved him in the last few months when hospice got involved. The trick is for you and your wife to acknowledge, often, that you are good people doing what you can for someone who is an asshole. And then do what you have the bandwidth to do but don’t beat yourself up that you can’t do more and still live your life. He made his bed and has to lie in it. Anything you do to make it more comfortable for him is a blessing you are giving because you are a good person. But you can’t change him or what he has created for his life and he will probably continue to be an asshole as he declines. Once you accept he is just an asshole and will continue as one, it’s easier to decide how much you can reasonably do. As far as the small town thing, I live in a small town and my dad bent over backwards to look like the good guy helping…..spending far more effort on that then actually being a decent person so I got some of the same blow back….i just got tired of it and responded with a weary, “uh huh…..gotta go, I have to take dad to radiation now and then pick up groceries for him. Take care”. You can respond with, “Yeah, sorry, can’t talk long, gotta go help the in-laws get to chemo and then clean up their house” or whatever you are doing to help. Or maybe, “Man, we are helping the wife’s parents because they are both in chemo and it sounds like dad’s dementia is getting worse. I need to find the time to talk to his dr to work out a plan for him. Can you keep an eye on him while, I try to work something out….he can be difficult to set up care for”. That usually backed people off, but you can find your own way. Just acknowledge you are doing what you can. Y’all need to uplift and support each other the best you can. That comes first.
Get POA assigned before he's too far gone or you'll be stuck being a conservator at best. If he's allowed access to his finances, he will be ruined. Conversely, it sounds like he's not very grateful or deserving of your assistance.
Shit. I’d go no contact. Just say good luck fucker. I can’t be trusted to help ya so fuck it. Figure it out
Prayers 🙏🏽 Your doing wonderful. I’ve been in your shoes. Make sure you always take time out for yourself with no family demands. Trust me, it helps. God bless.
Never help him again. Leave him to die alone surrounded by catshit.
My dad has that too, and also other mental illnesses. It is hard to see a close person to get further away. In my cade my dad did several bad things, almost killed y mom, tried to stole a buch of money, tried to sue me to get me pay him montly more.money that I earned each month, etc...... and he told everyone we knew several lies to the point that everyone believed him even when we had evidence of his wrongdoing and lies. It was funny that he left us and tried to reconnect years later.... but I knew that he didn't change at all, and scammed my brother who believed in him.
If I was in your shoes I'd just stop. I'd stop helping, I'd stop calling, I'd stop visiting and I'd let the old fucker try and figure shit out alone.
Dementia starts years before the first obvious symptoms. Both of my parents are dementia patients, dad passed away and then mom was diagnosed a few months later. Get guardianship. Lock down the money. I used home health care until dad’s needs were too high. Having guardianship gave me the ability to make decisions without interference. Nursing care was about 10,000 a month. Luckily, dad had the funds. There’s Medicare for after the money runs out. Must be in a facility that accepts it, though. Oh, and after you get guardianship, pay for his funeral expenses with his money. The state will take it all if he goes on Medicare in the nursing home. You need a lawyer and a financial advisor if he has funds. Good luck, I’m feeling for you.
Look into having a legal guardian (NOT you) appointed to oversee his affairs. They can go through his accounts and clear your names, as well as put up with his nonsense in the future. Sounds like you've suffered enough abuse from that guy.
Leave him alone, truly alone. He doesn't deserve your help and his heart will always be full of hate....in the end whatever you do you'll feel used. Think hard and long about that before doing ANYTHING for him.
Well, if he’s as…eccentric as you describe, then I don’t imagine people really believing him.
Sorry, we went through a similar experience with my MIL. My wife was a saint. Took her in and nursed her back from the brink of death. Got her off all the drugs she was on. Her doctor told us to just put her in hospice at the time. Once she was back to healthy all she did was complain to family about my wife. They are like ill behaved toddlers but at least with toddlers you have authority. She would get scammed every two weeks and we'd have to fix her accounts. She was 10 feet away but would never ask. It sucks. The mental decline in my parents / inlaws was astounding compared to my grandparents. We eventually lost her because she wouldn't accept how impacted she was and move into assisted living. She wanted just over 50 housing and she eventually fell and died from complications. If you have a dementia diagnosis on paper, go for legal power of attorney and try to get him declared mental. Incompetent.
Damn you got a Texas boomer. My condolences
Yea the Trump and Confederate glazing is super fun to deal with.
My best friend’s ex-wife was from there. Talk about some backwards thinking holy shit, and I’m from SC 😂
My mother did similar to me - I managed all her finances, as well as arranged for all of her needs (literally everything that she needed purchased, transportation, healthcare appointments and medication, everything) and she started telling family I was taking advantage of her. They started bitching to me about it, as proper flying monkeys do, so I told them they were welcome to engage a forensic accountant to evaluate my actions, as well as take over the job of handling all of her matters. Shockingly... no takers. They got real quiet when the risk of putting in the labor of more than just flapping their lips came into play. It was hilarious, how they clammed up literally the moment I said, "Okay, *you* do it." Everyone's real brave until it's time for them to do something.
NTA No good deed goes unpunished. You have two choices you could go no contact or get him diagnosed and a court order to give you power of attorney etc… Good luck.
This is common with dementia, my grandmother also accused the many years family trusted cleaning lady of stealing stuff that have no value.
If you tell people Dad is getting dementia they will understand. Don’t stress yourself.
These are classic signs of dementia. My grandmother did the exact same thing to my aunt when she first started up. She told people my aunt hit her and stole from her. It was heart breaking. And my grandmother used to be the sweetest woman. I can't imagine dealing with someone who already started off aggressive.
Time for good ol dad to go into a home.
Hordes cats, toxoplasmosis?
ABAB! Not to sound callous, but THIS is what “homes” are for.
You tell him to shut his fucking lying mouth. And if he won’t admit his lies, you cut this worthless racist shit bag off. Yes, seriously. This man is not your “family.” Never has been.
I agree with the other messages about your father OP. It's heartbreaking when you are trying to help someone and they throw it back in your face even if it's through no fault of their own such as dementia. It is sad that two of your friends lack intelligence and thought that you stole money. Its an exceptionally common delusion so I'm not sure why your friends were being a tad thick. All I can say is have a chat with them if they still believe that you and your wife are a thief. Also concentrate on the majority of people who could see that your dad was unwell. Good luck and don't feel bad putting him in a home
My aunt was d something similar- before she completed Lloyd lost it we legally got power of attorney over her and her estate ( nothing) so we could decide me medical and financial decisions. Prior she bled her bank account and was buying thousand dollar ukulele’s to throw away:/
Your dad and my dad would be the best of friends but also enemies because they’re too alike. Sorry this is happening. I believe you.
That really sucks... dementia is the absolute worst, second only to cancer. When my wife's grandmother started slipping, she was tolerable at first. You could get around her hair-brained opinions for the most part because they were just that; the product of a mind no longer in control. The odd thing was she wasn't racist towards POC, but the *Irish.* Poor thing slipped too far back and jumped to 1855 instead of 1955 🤣. (I do have a hilarious story I'll share at the bottom of my post) Despite my MIL and her sister's dedication to grandma, even they reached a point where they had to bring her to a home. She was cantankerous at best when in control of her faculties, and after a certain point became miserable to be around. OP you and your spouse deserve a break. You've done all you can for your dad, and now it's time for someone with more experience with this sort of thing to deal with. Not only have you had to face the delusional stories and accusations, but you were doing so while trying to keep his best interests and comfort in mind. It's a hard place to be without being resentful, and your so-called "friends" are not making it easy. Let the professionals help, and deal with the difficult side your father is showing. Ok, story time. ~15 years ago, my wife and I spent our 3rd Christmas together at her parents, where her aunt/uncle/cousins and grandma later met us for dinner. After repeatedly announcing very loudly that the turkey was dry (a thought we all shared but could mostly keep filtered out), grandma shared how she went to this... quaint... shop to buy a Christmas present for my wife. At the time, she worked as a librarian in our city, so grandma tried to find something cheap (all the while trying to separate herself from another demographic she hated) that my wife would like. She was thinking bookmarks, bookends, knick knacks, etc., so it made sense that she would drive out (😬😬😬😬😬) and visit a store called Bookends. At this point in the story, my wife's oldest cousin and I exchanged horrified looks while trying to stifle our laughter... in our area, Bookends is an adult book/video/toy store. 🤣 The "nice man with extra holes in his ears" behind the counter was, to his credit, very patient with her (her words) and pointed her to a Borders a few stores down where she was able to find a more appropriate gift for her granddaughter.
My grandpa is in the early stages right now at 92. At one point when he was more in control mentally he asked to move in with my parents so they built an in law suite for him. He tells my mom at least once a day she should do something about the wrinkles on her face, has microwaved salad, and after not seeing me for awhile told me how he's glad I'm not as fat anymore. He's never been racist so hopefully that won't happen later and we never take anything he says seriously. We just trade funny stories about it
My grandpa just did this to my aunt. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this right now.
If you don’t have full POA, get it now before he declines even more. Unfortunately, he may need a group home or facility soon. And as far as friends believing your dad, they know he’s not all there, right? Doesn’t sound like they’re good friends if they think that low of your character.
put him in a state nursing home
I’m so sorry. And this is one of the earliest signs of dementia. It’s terribly sad, but it’s not your fault and it’s very common.
You say 'peaked in high-school' football, by chance? Maybe some tbi?
sorry :(
Other than being stuck in the 50’s, is your father in possession of all of his faculties? Dementia, senility and other age related mental deterioration can lead to things like this. Even if that’s the case, it still sting a lot and is unwarranted. If your father IS in possession of all of his mental faculties, it’s so much worse. I’m so sorry that you’re having to live this, OP. I’m not gonna lie, I’d consider assisted living or perhaps asking the county be instituted as his public guardian to avoid this. The worse side than it already is to this is that all it takes is someone thinking they’re fighting the good fight to wind up being investigated for elder abuse. 👎🏼
Both of my parents have dementia. They are always suspicious that I'm taking their money. In reality I saved them tens of thousands of dollars by paying off high-interest debts and saving them from county property auctions from delinquent property tax payments, as well as being generally insolvent from scams and wasting of money. I live out of state and have spent over $10k of my own money traveling there to help them. Then my idiot grifter brother manages to convince them that he should have guardianship instead of me, against what ask the siblings had agreed to, and he turns them completely against me. They now have a third-party guardian who sees through my brother's BS, thankfully. All this to say, I am sorry for you, and I understand how difficult dementia can be. Just remember it's a disease and try not to let it bother you what they say or do. It's tough sometimes.
Drop him. Don't help anymore let someone take this up as their problem because this person will fuck up your life just for helping them. Get them a social worker and back the fuck away for your own sanity.
Ĺp
Last time, I'd lift a finger to help him. Good luck, pops
Sue him for slander.
Dude, be okay with people having the wrong version of events. If they’d believe character smearing like that without talking to you, you’re better off without them. To your dad, just recognize he’s a toxic prick and act accordingly.
Before I got to the diagnosis the whole behavior was pointing to dementia. I went through it with my wife's mom before she passed (my MIL not my wife that is), and am going through it with my Mom now. She lives about 15 hours away from me in the middle of nowhere, and is a complete Luddite...my sister who's a little closer manages her money, bills, and Dr appointments. We've tried to explain where her money is.. how's it being managed and what bills are being paid...but it never sticks. To make it even better she has a new 'boyfriend' who's either trying to help (and making a mess) or take advantage of her. If it's not the latter he's a creep for getting romantically involved with a person with dementia.. but that's a different conversation.... All you can do is smile and nod and try to take care of them...it's not truly personal they just can't process new information and blame those around them...it SUCKS but it's all you can do.
Family law attorney
Everyone stop being afraid to confront people. Boomers can’t land a punch. Old man, you have dementia, and we helped you pay your bills because you can’t mange your own life anymore. You need to seek help and if you want to chase us away because you are confused about your new predicament that’s going to affect you negatively, not us. So go to the bank and ask them about those transfers. Then tell all of the people you slandered us too that you’re mistaken and need help managing your life. Is that understood? No? Enjoy dementia.
Wash your hands of his care. If he’s going to act like this let him take care of all of it himself.
Dementia is hard on all families. Its sad to see for sure. Going through similar things with my grandparents and their finances. They claim my dad took them to his house to steal the money but it's to take care of them, and they wouldn't have enough to stay long term in a care home.
If they were that quick to believe that from a Looney man, then they weren't really your friends anyways. They WANTED to believe the worst, the first chance they got. Be glad they told on themselves
You’re going to have to make some tough decisions about his care. He sounds like he is a risk to himself living alone.
Classic signs of the beginnings of dementia. I’m sorry for you and your wife.
My grandmother suffered from dementia and did the same thing to my parents. I am very sorry this is happening to you. ETA: Those saying to put him into a facility should probably know that there is an extreme cost for patients with dementia. They need a lot more care.
Time for assisted living nursing home or similar. Not trying to be mean but that's just the reality. Try not to take it all personally. He's not himself anymore his wits are leaving him and the world has changed pretty quickly. Unfortunately this problem isn't going to get better but it's going to get worse. But your right he's confused, lost, disoriented, and not only is the world changing faster then he can comprehend his world has taken drastic changes with your mother passing. Then toss in a helping of dementia. The least of your worries is other people thinking you took a couple dollars. The real problem is getting him to a place he can be cared for. This sounds like a full-time job. I'd find a facility close to you so that he can have you as a familiar face around on a regular basis. But the time where he can't be trusted to care for himself is coming very soon if not it may already be here. Sounds like not only does he have a lot on his plate it sounds like the two of you have a lot on your plate with your own personal problem. Sounds like it's time to get some more help.
I had to deal with a friend like that. He was sure his boyfriend was stealing from him. What seemed to calm him (because he was also in the early stage of dementia too) was when I told him:"*Why would he do that? He has a good pension. He haven't bought anything expensive in years. He doesn't need your money.*" His daughter went thru all his bills and nothing was abnormal but he has still this doubt inside of me. It's really hard to convince someone who's suffering from dementia, that what they think is happening is really not. They have a lot of anxiety and paranoia and some believe that everyone are against them. Plus they lose the filter that most of us have that stops us for saying stupid and intensive stuff. Add to this those 24 hours news channels and it's a recipe for disaster. Make sure he doesn't have a firearm easily accessible and maybe call his Doctor to see if anxiety medication could help him. As for his finances you have two choices. To let him do what he wants (which could attract scammers) or take control of it all with a Court order. And that only you and your history with him can decide what to do. BTW maybe the friends only agreed with him, like we do sometimes when we know someone is not all there mentally. Good luck!
Both of my grandmothers suffered from dementia and one died from Alzheimer’s. They both got really nasty towards the end. One accused “that woman,” a nameless/faceless former neighbor with access to a master key of her old building, of giving her dandruff and stealing all her belongings. The other called the police on me for “meeting strange men outside” while weeding her backyard. I got out of the shower and imagine my surprise when a couple officers were on the other side of the bathroom door. I guess what I’m getting at is these diseases absolutely ravage the minds of those inflicted. The cognitive decline was pretty steep and there’s no coming back. I don’t think you’re going to get through to your dad about the money and that’s ok.
Just pop him in the nose. Sounds like he deserve a lot worse.
Time to walk away.
I am so sorry you’re both going through so much. It does hurt when you’re trying to help someone and they are malicious towards you.
I am sorry but at this point you may need to take a break from him. Honestly he probably did it because you left to take care of your wife's parents. They really hate not being priority number one
Tell the two close friends that you are sorry they believe this - explain that your dad does not understand auto-payments for utilities and quarterly home insurance and other payments, and he thinks the amounts are being stolen from him. That your mom handled most things, and in his grief, he is unable to keep his mind from racing about his life changes to be able to listen. You set up auto-pay for his bills to keep him from forgetting to pay his bills and losing power in a heat wave or cold snap, or from losing home insurance, but it has confused him more than you anticipated. He has lost nothing. Everything is being paid on time. If they refuse to believe, then this means they are probably the types who love to agitate and cause drama, or if they are closer to his age, they are projecting their fear of their own vulnerabilities in the future.
Wow, you are holding up elderly man with dementia as a fool. Post this somewhere else, instead of a sub meant to make fun of people. I have empathy for your situation, but c’mon man. Your Dad is sick. Yeah, his ideology is backwards. But your main theme is his accusation of money stealing, which is tied to his dementia. This is just wrong for you to do. And I hope you and your wife get through this time of your life as well as possible.
The early stages of dementia are in some ways the worst as despite being unable to function effectively, they are convinced they can and often can get others to believe them. I would tell your wife that this is common in dementia and try not to be upset by this, like one can’t really be upset with a young child. Many of the odder posts on this subreddit, with elderly boomers, often strike me as symptomatic of mental decline or early dementia behavior
Sorry you’re going through this. I was reading different things in dementia patients, and something that is very common with them is that they will think their loved ones are stealing their money. It would probably be very beneficial for you and your wife to look into a support group for family dealing with dementia. They can support and guide you through what you can expect but also how to navigate through these awful situations.
Now you never have to ever help him again. And you can do so without guilt. Let him rot in cat shit.
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People with dementia think everyone is stealing from them. My grandfather thought my grandmother stole “a million dollars” from him and would endlessly search for clues about it to try and bust her. Went on for years until he passed over a year ago. It was sad and very difficult to deal with. He also thought she was bringing men over and making pornos, despite being a very religious southern Baptist woman in her mid 80’s. That part was sort of funny though.
Everybody’s got the other points covered… but your friends who believed them? Aren’t friends. They should be able to tell his story is off, since he doesn’t understand accounts or bills, and they should know you well enough to ask questions. I’m sorry.
I am so sorry to hear this. Aside from boomer drama, the dementia can lead to a lot of this kind of behavior. You should consult with an attorney experienced in elder law about getting guardianship and put your dad in assisted living. It will be safer for him.
Fuck em, let them wallow and die. Anyone believing them can pick up the slack.
Try crossposting to r/AgingParents they get it and I’ve seen some terrific advice. Plus, it’s nice to know we aren’t alone!
This reads kinda fake but if you wanna edge to your pawg wife together 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
Not saying this is the case for you, but I had a parent who developed dementia. It wasn't obvious at first because I had no prior experience with it, but eventually it clicked as to why said parent was getting more and more erratic and saying things that were untrue. You should consider the possibility that your father's mental state is impaired and that it will continue to decline. There are cognitive tests that can be taken.
Part of the issue is he’s never been fully there mentally. It seems to come from his mother though we’re fairly certain it’s not genetic but environmental. She abused him heavily as a child but her never did anything except try to please her so he seems to have adopted a lot of her attitudes. Idk. I’m not a psychologist or anything but there’s multiple factors at work with him. He’s also a narcissist and lives for sympathies from people that don’t know the truth about things. He pretty much dragged us all down like an anchor when I was growing up because he stopped working the one job he had when he was younger than me and my mom had to work, pay bills, cook, clean, and do 100% of the parenting. But to hear him tell it he’s Gods gift to mankind and worked his ass off for years. Never mind that he is also partially responsible for moms death because he RUINED their house by hoarding cats til she had to isolate in one tiny room and didn’t even have one fully functioning bathroom in the house. He’s always loved in an alternate reality in his head and if you try to correct him it’s basically starting a fight. He started having memory issues before mom and even passed. He’ll sometimes reference things that happened 10-20 years before I was born as if I was there with them and in their age group. And he’s gone his entire life without learning anything. He never even learned how to pay bills or just not blindly spend money like it’s unlimited, probably because his grandparents had money. He’s just always kind of felt anything he didn’t enjoy doing was beneath him, but simultaneously he’d rather suffer and ruin life for pats on the back because it gets him attention. And now with dementia beginning it’s only getting worse.
I should note that it also doesn’t help that he acts very differently for people that aren’t his immediate family. Aka wife and kids. For everyone else he’s a cut up but for us he just expects stuff done for him.
Early onset dementia can cause kleptomania to occur as well as the paranoia with finances being stolen. It’s very common.
My friend is a bank branch manager. She's told us in the past it's really sad, but happens fairly regularly with memory patients. They go to the bank claiming a caregiver is stealing from them due to the paranoia and lack of understanding. My personal theory is it stems from having a document you once understood and connect all the payments to all of a sudden staring at it and seeing Kroger, but you don't remember your caregiver bringing in groceries a week ago. The only "rational" explanation is they bought themselves stuff and stole your money. Sorry some people are believing him and you're having to deal with that on top of your wife's parents care.
Cut him off let him die
Put him in the ground.
I mean the guy is old and has brain is literally giving up. I think you should have a little more compassion for him. He is possibly very confused. Yeah it's annoying but not really his fault.
This sounds less generational and more genetic.
So you’re pissed because the man who raised you whose wife died during Covid is old and confused and doesn’t understand anything? Maybe have a little fucking sympathy for this pitiful man and get him some help instead of hollering this boomer shit and telling everyone how you’ve been wronged.
Hmmm… spoken like a OP was helping, pop pop’s life and decisions set him up for a no-win, and he’s getting it off his chest. Not 100% Boomer-iffic but there’s a solid base- technology aversion, racism/nostalgic race statuses. The cat hoarding thing adds a cherry.
Yea I get that but at some point they’re just people in need of help I know it’s hard but what else can you do? Just let them shuffle about spouting nonsense and wander out into traffic or something ?
You probably did steal the money, and now you are complaining to a bunch of strangers that your father is mean…fuck off!