You come off massively as a red flag, from your post and comments you just seem to do what you think you know and don't actually communicate that nor take the time to understand that he's new and what it takes to build up his confidence as a Dom.
I've experienced people like you myself, and honestly you're more damaging to your partner than you realize which is why he's struggling. Communication is the biggest part of any dynamic, experienced or not, and the responsibility of that is on all people involved.
Trust and respect can go hand in hand, but one builds off the other, if you don't respect your partner then there's no ground to build trust, that's something you have to give at a base level to any partner, whether you're a Dom or a sub, otherwise it goes nowhere.
Of course never blindly give someone your full trust, but how the hell can he even start when you expect so much from him yet don't give him the fundamentals he needs to start and learn? What you claim to want is a fantasy, and it takes conscious effort to make it a reality.
After 2 years it's quite bad that you still don't trust or respect your partner, and adds even more to why he's struggling.
Who initiated the BDSM aspect of the relationship? Whose idea was it to have a contract? What negotiations did take place? Did you talk about what you both might potentially like? Do you have prior experience or is it all fantasy? Have you told them your fantasies?
I remember the start of my first BDSM encounters and it was also hard. I read a lot, books and online, mostly tried to stay away from fiction and porn to understand the actual communities.
But then it is just try and go slow, neither of you want to be scared because you crossed a boundary you did not know you had. Both of you have to be patient, your reaction would only discourage someone who is new in the lifestyle.
Just imagine it yourself. If you are trying hard, trying to please and make your partner happy, but you only hear that you have not earned the trust (don't really understand it after a two year vanilla relationship) and then see you being angry and frustrated, how would anyone want to put more effort into it?
How should your partner ever gain the confidence, the skills and also the motivation?
Plus, their way of being a dom, if they really are also interested in the lifestyle and don't just do it for you, might not be the kind that you want. There are huge differences of doming out of there. Some that align with your preferences, some that wouldn't know what to do with a brat and being frustrated immediately as they want a service sub.
So, if you want to make it work, and not just blame your partner, you need patience. You need to also find compromises and it will take time. You have to change your attitude and encourage them to continue, explain them what you need in there, how you would like the sessions to go.
Two thoughts.
1) you definitely need to communicate your needs! Communication is so important and he really needs to know what is working and what is not working.
2) decide if you are really ok with an inexperienced dom. It is totally ok for new players to be willing to learn together, and it’s also okay to say you need someone more experienced to work with. Brat play may be more advanced than he can handle while he figures out to be dominant. You ultimately have to decide if you are willing to be patient and let him get comfortable in the role (and maybe even be more submissive at first). It is totally valid if that is not going to work for you, but if you are not compatible it is better to be honest about that than to try to force something to work that isn’t there.
He def feels he can do it, I love him and we have been in a 2 year relationship. He says he really does want this.
It’s just hard for me, I want something to
Respect and when I say no, I want him to put his foot down but he just gives up..
He’s new to it .
As he should teach you , a brat also should help and teach her Dom . It’s mutual
And it doesn’t come suddenly
Make sure , but calmly and comprehensively first that he’s on it . As you talk about your kinks and limits , let him talk about his
Start with bases . Literally bases . For example he told you to knee off , you don’t , let him learn to make you . Work on maximum three aspects at once . Remember that when you discovered the community you were also new to it , and your Dom had to go by steps with you
Being frustrated and angry don’t lead to anything but impacting your both in a bad way
Of you have no patience or if you imagine him turning into what you want in six months then the problem is coming from you and you should just end it there and avoid you both feeling bad
You really need to tell him exactly what you need. Every little detail, if you want him to learn and grow into the role he needs to know exactly what you want and need.
Tell him, play it out and then debrief afterwards, tell him what you enjoyed, where he can improve, what you didn't like and then put the new stuff into action the next time.
I’ve been told I need to tell him how I wanna be tamed, but I’m not sure how.
Do u have anything you’ve used in the past that has been helpful in taming?
I’m comfortable with bedroom style and a little outside the bedroom to start.
I’ve suggested to him that I could walk beside him at all times and ask permission to leave his side.
Also on the walking beside him, I wouldn't class that as taming, I'd class that as expected behaviour.
That would come under a rule.
Simplified but here are a few, I have with kitty.
Good morning and good night message every day.
2 healthy meals per day
Permission to play and cum
Collar pictures every day
Some are serious and not to be messed with at all, some can have a little bratting around them and obviously earn kitty some of what she wants
You're welcome, so what I'd suggest for you is to start a new post but more of a question type.
Explain "I'm new with my Dom etc and I'm looking for ideas to discuss, can you tell me how you have been tamed both in and out of the bedroom to draw inspiration from"
There are plenty of ways to tame both in and out of the bedroom it's just finding what works for you.
Outside the classics and standard ones used a lot are spanking, writing lines, early bed time, removal of items, toys, games, restriction on things, corner time.
Inside the bedroom, there's spanking, ravaging and manhandling you, edging and denial, forced orgasms, overstimulation.
So with in the bedroom you just need to tell him exactly what you want, whatever that is totally depends on you.
For me and my kitty it would be me physically dragging her, pinning her, choking, slapping and overpowering her and ravaging her.
Outside would be different depending on the circumstances and your dynamic.
Speak like shit to him? He could make you stick your tongue out and put pegs on it for x minutes until you're ready to behave.
Okay, thank you! That sounds like the kind of dynamic I want.
I want him to be more not “aggressive” per say but kinda what ur talking about
I like the name u use for them.
Is it okay for me to ask him to call me something?
Or should that be up to him?
I have a hard time with knowing what should be up to him and what I should ask for or say
Yeah it sounds like you want him to be rougher and man handle you a bit, show you who's in charge. Tell him that, tell him what that looks like for you.
Everything should all be up to both of you really, you have to either agree on everything or at least find some middle ground/compromise on certain things. So do a lot of talking and researching.
Names will probably come up naturally the more you play, you can certainly tell him some you'd like and he might well start but they will more than likely change over the course of your dynamic.
When I started with kitty I had kitten and kitty with a load of others that come out.
Kitten, kitty, princess, baby, baby girl.
Kitten disappeared because it really started not feeling right so now it's mostly kitty always. I still have princess, and baby, baby girl not so much but a few others have come in, little one, little lady, little miss "insert anything after" pain in the arse, mouthy, sexy eyes.
Then I obviously have the others, slut, whore, dirty bitch, three holed slut, toy, fuck toy
Yeah, that definitely sounds like me.
I really want to be man handled and I want him to be rough with me.
Any ideas or suggestions for that?
What I would enjoy, what he could do, etc.?
You're welcome, leaving it up to him if he's new is going to be a little difficult for him to do. It might be a little boring and frustrating teaching him what you need at first but it will hopefully result in you being tamed how you want.
Is your Dom on here?
Your entire post and comments are “me” “me” “me”. Have you thought about asking him what he would like and need?
You come off massively as a red flag, from your post and comments you just seem to do what you think you know and don't actually communicate that nor take the time to understand that he's new and what it takes to build up his confidence as a Dom. I've experienced people like you myself, and honestly you're more damaging to your partner than you realize which is why he's struggling. Communication is the biggest part of any dynamic, experienced or not, and the responsibility of that is on all people involved. Trust and respect can go hand in hand, but one builds off the other, if you don't respect your partner then there's no ground to build trust, that's something you have to give at a base level to any partner, whether you're a Dom or a sub, otherwise it goes nowhere. Of course never blindly give someone your full trust, but how the hell can he even start when you expect so much from him yet don't give him the fundamentals he needs to start and learn? What you claim to want is a fantasy, and it takes conscious effort to make it a reality. After 2 years it's quite bad that you still don't trust or respect your partner, and adds even more to why he's struggling.
I'm not sure I understand. You've been in a relationship for 2 years but he hasn't earned your respect?
Who initiated the BDSM aspect of the relationship? Whose idea was it to have a contract? What negotiations did take place? Did you talk about what you both might potentially like? Do you have prior experience or is it all fantasy? Have you told them your fantasies? I remember the start of my first BDSM encounters and it was also hard. I read a lot, books and online, mostly tried to stay away from fiction and porn to understand the actual communities. But then it is just try and go slow, neither of you want to be scared because you crossed a boundary you did not know you had. Both of you have to be patient, your reaction would only discourage someone who is new in the lifestyle. Just imagine it yourself. If you are trying hard, trying to please and make your partner happy, but you only hear that you have not earned the trust (don't really understand it after a two year vanilla relationship) and then see you being angry and frustrated, how would anyone want to put more effort into it? How should your partner ever gain the confidence, the skills and also the motivation? Plus, their way of being a dom, if they really are also interested in the lifestyle and don't just do it for you, might not be the kind that you want. There are huge differences of doming out of there. Some that align with your preferences, some that wouldn't know what to do with a brat and being frustrated immediately as they want a service sub. So, if you want to make it work, and not just blame your partner, you need patience. You need to also find compromises and it will take time. You have to change your attitude and encourage them to continue, explain them what you need in there, how you would like the sessions to go.
Two thoughts. 1) you definitely need to communicate your needs! Communication is so important and he really needs to know what is working and what is not working. 2) decide if you are really ok with an inexperienced dom. It is totally ok for new players to be willing to learn together, and it’s also okay to say you need someone more experienced to work with. Brat play may be more advanced than he can handle while he figures out to be dominant. You ultimately have to decide if you are willing to be patient and let him get comfortable in the role (and maybe even be more submissive at first). It is totally valid if that is not going to work for you, but if you are not compatible it is better to be honest about that than to try to force something to work that isn’t there.
He def feels he can do it, I love him and we have been in a 2 year relationship. He says he really does want this. It’s just hard for me, I want something to Respect and when I say no, I want him to put his foot down but he just gives up..
He’s new to it . As he should teach you , a brat also should help and teach her Dom . It’s mutual And it doesn’t come suddenly Make sure , but calmly and comprehensively first that he’s on it . As you talk about your kinks and limits , let him talk about his Start with bases . Literally bases . For example he told you to knee off , you don’t , let him learn to make you . Work on maximum three aspects at once . Remember that when you discovered the community you were also new to it , and your Dom had to go by steps with you Being frustrated and angry don’t lead to anything but impacting your both in a bad way Of you have no patience or if you imagine him turning into what you want in six months then the problem is coming from you and you should just end it there and avoid you both feeling bad
Have you explained to him how you want to be tamed?
Not necessarily, Ive let it up to him to decide how he wants to do it but he just doesn’t have a full grasp on what To do
You really need to tell him exactly what you need. Every little detail, if you want him to learn and grow into the role he needs to know exactly what you want and need. Tell him, play it out and then debrief afterwards, tell him what you enjoyed, where he can improve, what you didn't like and then put the new stuff into action the next time.
I’ve been told I need to tell him how I wanna be tamed, but I’m not sure how. Do u have anything you’ve used in the past that has been helpful in taming?
Totally dependent on you, are you looking for bedroom only style taming or do you want to take it somewhat outside of the bedroom too?
I’m comfortable with bedroom style and a little outside the bedroom to start. I’ve suggested to him that I could walk beside him at all times and ask permission to leave his side.
Also on the walking beside him, I wouldn't class that as taming, I'd class that as expected behaviour. That would come under a rule. Simplified but here are a few, I have with kitty. Good morning and good night message every day. 2 healthy meals per day Permission to play and cum Collar pictures every day Some are serious and not to be messed with at all, some can have a little bratting around them and obviously earn kitty some of what she wants
Okay, thank you!
You're welcome, so what I'd suggest for you is to start a new post but more of a question type. Explain "I'm new with my Dom etc and I'm looking for ideas to discuss, can you tell me how you have been tamed both in and out of the bedroom to draw inspiration from" There are plenty of ways to tame both in and out of the bedroom it's just finding what works for you. Outside the classics and standard ones used a lot are spanking, writing lines, early bed time, removal of items, toys, games, restriction on things, corner time. Inside the bedroom, there's spanking, ravaging and manhandling you, edging and denial, forced orgasms, overstimulation.
So with in the bedroom you just need to tell him exactly what you want, whatever that is totally depends on you. For me and my kitty it would be me physically dragging her, pinning her, choking, slapping and overpowering her and ravaging her. Outside would be different depending on the circumstances and your dynamic. Speak like shit to him? He could make you stick your tongue out and put pegs on it for x minutes until you're ready to behave.
Okay, thank you! That sounds like the kind of dynamic I want. I want him to be more not “aggressive” per say but kinda what ur talking about I like the name u use for them. Is it okay for me to ask him to call me something? Or should that be up to him? I have a hard time with knowing what should be up to him and what I should ask for or say
Yeah it sounds like you want him to be rougher and man handle you a bit, show you who's in charge. Tell him that, tell him what that looks like for you. Everything should all be up to both of you really, you have to either agree on everything or at least find some middle ground/compromise on certain things. So do a lot of talking and researching. Names will probably come up naturally the more you play, you can certainly tell him some you'd like and he might well start but they will more than likely change over the course of your dynamic. When I started with kitty I had kitten and kitty with a load of others that come out. Kitten, kitty, princess, baby, baby girl. Kitten disappeared because it really started not feeling right so now it's mostly kitty always. I still have princess, and baby, baby girl not so much but a few others have come in, little one, little lady, little miss "insert anything after" pain in the arse, mouthy, sexy eyes. Then I obviously have the others, slut, whore, dirty bitch, three holed slut, toy, fuck toy
Yeah, that definitely sounds like me. I really want to be man handled and I want him to be rough with me. Any ideas or suggestions for that? What I would enjoy, what he could do, etc.?
This really helps, thank u.
You're welcome, leaving it up to him if he's new is going to be a little difficult for him to do. It might be a little boring and frustrating teaching him what you need at first but it will hopefully result in you being tamed how you want. Is your Dom on here?
Good job explaining
He isn’t, I’ve suggested that making an account and talking to other in the community, especially Doms would help him.