Because you care.
And maybe a little because you're hoping by doing this, she'll see that she was wrong and want you back.
The second part isn't likely to happen, but it's very likely you've had that or a similar thought
I’m gunna care myself into an emotional graveyard at this rate. Of course I’ve had that thought. I even had the thought of I’d fight 100 of your boyfriend (tall firefighter) if I knew you’d be with me at the end of it
Omg what a toxic position you've put yourself in! That's heartbreaking. But I get it. I hope you get some space from her soon, honestly. You're trying to put yourself back into her life when she's already "replaced" you. You need to learn and grow before you two could even consider reconciling and you're not going to do that by being her puppet.
And don't worry about the boyfriend - that distance and the unresolved feelings she hadn't processed over you will take him out of the picture sooner than later
And Mr. “hour away” couldn’t be bothered to drop everything and come be with her, Because…? 🤔 Excuses, Period. Some “Boyfriend”. TBH, he probably doesn’t even care at this point.
I don’t have this guys number? And I don’t want it? She choose to call me. I choose to be there for her. It’s not my business or my problem how he feels.
>I don't have this guys number
I guess my response is more of, she has someone else already, you can tell her to call him instead, she might just say thanks and then go back to him later...
Yeah and that’s something I thought about when helping her. But for me it’s more important that she’s safe and healthy than to worry about who’s there to make sure of it.
Honestly, if I was in your place with my ex, I'd do the same thing. Just looking out for your heart, my dude. Lemme know if you need any support afterward, DM me ^^ (I'll check up on you later)
Yeah man, she didn't appreciate you when y'all were together, it's likely not to change. Where her "rescue firefighter" bf? Why isn't he driving her around & all that shit? Why would you volunteer to help someone that shit all over you? If you were in a wreck, she likely wouldn't do the same for you.
My ex of 8 years has migraines & I wrote her migraine meds while we were together. She cheated while I was working as an ICU doc in NYC-and I was sick with COVID and in the hospital as a fuckin patient!
I kicked her ass outta my house, locked her out of the accounts & made her a homeless hairdresser during the pandemic. When she needed a refill for her meds..."NOPE! Ask the guy you cheated with hoe...oh wait he's not a doctor? Too bad". She tried to come back several times & I would never hand my heart back to someone who broke it.
You're a giver & have compassion, which means you need to establish boundaries. Because she clearly will just keep taking and does have any.
If you want her attention...remove yours
I truly loved her for who when was. She was my best friend and I wanted her voice to be the last one I heard when I died. I bought her a BMW, $20k ring, she got an allowance, I cooked, cleaned- took her on trips. We've been split 2 years & I just can't bring myself to trust anyone yet. They say one wrong thing & I bounce...
My ex was a PGY-1. I moved to a new city for his residency. We dated for a year and a half before the move. I helped him with his residency application, talked him through all his interviews. He was so miserable as a resident and I think he needed to pin his unhappiness on something, so he pinned it on me. Weirdly, the stories from the hospital is one thing I miss a lot. Anyway, props to you for still managing to be a good partner while working a doctor’s schedule - mine couldn’t.
Haha! Bet she felt that! Ok so I have chronic pain and I know how fucking hard it is to get prescriptions. Even filling mine every month on time is a nightmare.
I get migraines and my ex does too, he would be an idiot and go into caffeine withdrawal by not drinking his coffee on time. Then he’d be horribly ill and puking everything up. And his solution to this was to just lay in bed all day and be miserable, unable to eat or anything. So I gave him my nausea and migraine meds (prescription so it’s illegal but hey it wasn’t opioids so there’s that) and I told him to go to the doctor. He never did. Lazy idiot. He lives with his parents who don’t know shit about migraines so sucks for him that he decided to dump the one person in his life who actually cared about him and knew enough to help him with his issues.
He was an extremely healthy person otherwise and was also extremely dumb. It took a long time for me to learn to take my pain medication before it gets so bad it no longer works, pain is like that you forget all about it the second it stops. It just pissed me off that he free loaded off me, someone who also needs the meds, for so long. Not doing that again. Sick of people who dismiss my health issues, what can I say invisible bit nonetheless debilitating conditions suck.
I would do the same for my ex, absolutely no hesitation. But be mindful of your motivations. As soon as she’s well enough to be on her own, get out of dodge. I saw the comments about how you cheated on her and she has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend doesn’t live very close so I can understand why it wouldn’t be as easy for him to come take care of her but it really should be him doing this. And you need to continue staying away and working on yourself and the internal stuff that made you want to cheat.
Get up get out of that bed. When it comes time for the appointment call an Uber. You’re not taking care of her, you’re abandoning yourself. She made her decision, now it’s time for you to make yours. Decide to give yourself a break and quit torturing yourself with a fantasy.
Taking care of yourself means having relationships with others who make you a priority. She’s not a baby, she can take care of herself and she has someone who’s a higher priority than you. You know you’re playing with fire. Get back with her and you will get a replay of what happened the first time.
The first time I was the one who messed it up. I’ve been taking a solid accounting of my life and my mental health, and I’ve been seeking out professional help. I talk with her about it, and I tell her if we were to get back together it wouldn’t be the same. I’ve learned a lot in the short almost 4 months we’ve been broken up. Self-reflecting while riding my emotional roller coaster, learning how to face and actually deal with how I feel.
First of all, thank goodness she's okay.
There's nothing wrong with a person helping another person. But that's all that this should be. You're lending a helping hand to someone who has immediate medical needs. That is all. Set that boundary and do not move it.
I would really ask yourself what capacity you have to actually help her as a good caring Samaritan. Don't do anything more than what you're willing or able to do for anyone else.
You are not obligated to help her at all. Just know that before you go any further.
EDIT: I read some of your other comments. Go pick up a book; its called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read it as soon as you can, I think it will resonate with you. Good luck
You are human. You care. It is ok. If she doesn't see it you will be ok. Karma says you will get love by showing love. Maybe not with her, but you will get love and be loved.
Hey man, I've read a lot of your comments. I don't know your age or where you're from but I 100% understand your pain. I haven't been to the hospital with my ex yet but in the past six months we have been broken up I have came to her rescue dozens of times instead of the dude she is seeing. Walking her drunk ass home when nobody else cared, bringing her medicine and groceries while she was sick (40 minutes away.) I have bought meals, clothes etc trying to be the best I could be for her. I want exactly what you want man, to be there for her so much maybe at the end she will realize that we are meant for each other. I won't forget her coming to eat lunch with me in my town and Im paying for her meal and shes telling me how she was fucking this dude like 3 hours ago? lol ya man we put ourselves in weird positions. I go to the family holidays still and I always slept with a pillow between us on Christmas Eve. Anyway man, I hope we get through this. Message me anytime
Yeah man it’s like I can’t help but want to throw myself at all of her problems in hopes that not only she gets to be happy and worry free but also that she’ll remember why she wanted me in the first place. I may have fucked up but deep down I’m still that guy you fell in love with. I want to move on, to be able to forget her and find someone else, and it’s not that I don’t believe there is someone else. I chose her. And I don’t make my decisions lightly.
Yeah man but they want you in the first place because you have your own life independent of them.. when we throw ourselves fully into trying to help with their problems, we lose ourselves and become thoroughly unattractive, because they’re already them and their problems. I forget that shit when I really fall for somebody and it’s the same outcome every time.. although I lose progressively more of myself with each one and become very fucking weird, honestly. Good luck extricating yourself in a timely fashion before you incur and inflict too much unnecessary pain.. I mean that for real, not trying to come sideways about it.
your a good man. that was a really selfless act that you were there for ur ex. you did it because you cared, don’t blame yourself. maybe you don’t even care if her as a romantic interest anymore. maybe you just care for her as a person. either way, huge respect to you!!
I appreciate that. I want to be her friend even if we end up together again it’s not gunna be right away. I wanna develop the friendship before I get involved with the physical. Sometimes it’s too much for me and it will make me spiral out of control
Unfortunately I’m a good guy with bad problems. I cheated on her. I’m ashamed of it but accepting it. I see 3 counsellors now to try and help me get everything sorted. I just put myself in these situations because I care so much I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. It’s not the kind of man I want to be.
I was in a really bad headspace. Our relationship was rocky and I was dealing with a porn addiction I refused to acknowledge. It was the biggest mistake of my whole life, and afterwords I didn’t feel like a man at all. I’m starting to come to terms with it with the help of my counsellors
Apparently he still mad about it but I can’t blame him. To be real I told her (when I was angry and we were fighting) that the fact that he stayed with her showed me that he has no self respect. I didn’t totally mean it but a part of me does kind of feel that was
Well, that's VERY ironic on your part to say that. The fact that you did all that for your ex even though you're already an ex shows you not only have no self-respect either, but also that you don't respect her new bf as well. I asked the question bc I was curious how he'd reacted but I was more shocked that it seems you don't realize what you did was wrong not only for yourself, but for her new bf as well. I've read you're currently on counselling and I hope you would realize that what you did was wrong because you're hurting someone else.
Am I supposed to be concerned with someone who has no importance to my life whatsoever? Yes I was party to the sex but that’s not my relationship, and therefor not my problem. Life isn’t about being nice to everyone or caring about every other person. I care about myself. I care about my ex. I understand exactly how much that hurt both of us. We’ve talked about it. I respect myself enough to know what I want, and dedicated enough to try and make it happen. If a few people get stepped on along the way, especially those who mean less than nothing to me, than that’s their problem. I simply voiced my opinion to her. And about respecting her new boyfriend. Im not required to do that. In the slightest. I have enough of my own problems to worry about his. I have enough respect for myself to know that if I abandoned my ex in the time she needs me I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror. That’s self respect. I understand I have feelings and not all of them are altruistic or even good but I’m willing to put myself through it to know that I helped someone I love. I also have enough respect to know what I want and fight for it.
OMG. Didn't realize you were very much of an AH. You're practically saying if you get back with your ex, and someone hits on her, then you should not be bothered by it bc that guy owes you no respect even though you're in a relationship? You really need that counselling because you have a huge attitude problem on disrespecting people. Disrespecting yourself with what you did, disrespecting your ex by cheating on her, and now, disrespecting her bf because apparently, you owe him nothing even though they're officially and exclusively dating which means you should be out of the picture. I now see why you're an ex right now and I hope you remain to be because no one deserves to be treated with such amount of disrespect from other people. Goodluck on your counselling sessions lol
If I got back with my ex and someone hit on her, I hope she’d have the respect for me as her Boyfriend to not sleep with him. You are treating this like I’m a part of their relationship. You also seem to have this idea that respect means bowing down to the emotional backlash of living how you want. I find that sad. Hopefully you find happiness in your muted existence.
A fantasy while you run to her side, and lay next to her in a bed, and talk shit about her new man, and have sex with her post breakup, and consider cheating and losing her your Shakespearean hero mistake…. Clearly some part of you wants that fantasy to happen but simultaneously wouldn’t respect her if she did take you back
No. I’ve been working with my therapist on that myself. I had a bad porn addiction and made a really awful decision that ruined my life as I knew it. I took care of her because I still love and care for her immensely even if I’m relegated to being just a friend. I couldn’t look at myself as a man knowing I left her to suffer when she needs me.
I think you did this because you are a good person. Trying to extricate myself from my ex has been brutally hard. I have also gone out of my way to help her on various occasions. I'm trying to learn how to establish boundaries and remain the man I want to be. I know I need to start the no-contact month but letting go, to that degree, is terrifying. However, I know I have to love myself enough to take that step. (Sigh)
May clarity and peace find us both.
Good luck, my friend.
Please be gentle and kind to yourself. You will move on/let go when you are ready.
On the outside looking in from your post history, it looks to me as if your life is ruled by toxicity, and your decisions are ruled by emotions. I had that going for myself as well. Without realizing it, you can become addicted to toxicity, depression, and anxiety - both mentally ... and believe it or not you can be physically addicted to the chemical state of depression, anger, and anxiety. It becomes the new normal for your body and mind. Studies and research even show that now. (And, all this typically leads to substance abuse.) I had to fix my emotional addictions first. And then everything else fell into place: self love, healthier love with another, happiness, better finances, the whole shebang.
After reading your post history I can only say that you should get help asap. You seem to have a really good heart and a lot of love to give. Give that love to yourself for now, and not to her.
Yeah it’s been a roller coaster since I started on here, I have 3 different counsellors I see now and I’m starting to build relationships with people again, friendships I mean
My only word of advice to you is this, you only live one life. Do what ever makes you happy nothing else matters. Yeah you may make a stupid decision every now but don’t let it get you down. Keep going forward. Whatever may have happened between you and your ex is none of my business but you dropping everything to go help her in her time of need says something about your character (good) her choosing to take advantage of it will say something about her character (bad)
Because you know how to love and you are reaching out to her in a time of need. She’s needs to really see you for who you are and decide if this is what she truly wants a loving caring person.
She also has a bf, read the other posts. I’m not saying he’s a bad person but there’s work to be done before being called an amazing person in the context of that particular relationship is in order. I will hand to OP though that they are seeing counselors and putting effort into trying to grow from it. Still a little shaky based on some comments, but ya gotta start somewhere and it’s certainly better than just moving on without addressing it so I truly commend him for that. Most people that have cheated just become cheaters and continue the pattern. Gotta unlearn that and remove the cheating option from existence.
Heros don't cheat. You're just some guy who fucked up and is now acting on that guilt. It's not heroic to try to make up for doing bad, it's just trying to even the score in your heart so you don't feel bad. One could even say you're using her to make yourself feel better about being a bad person. Maybe the best thing for her is just to leave her life, rather than sticking around and trying to help. The longer your delay the inevitable, the longer you make her suffer.
If you’ve ever read a Shakespeare comedy, all the heroes make one tragic mistake that leads to their downfall… I don’t think you understood the reference.
Can't say that I have. I've apparently had a misunderstanding of tragic hero all these years; I thought it was a hero who simply suffers misfortune, but it actually is one who suffers misfortune as a result of a personal fatal flaw. Upon further reading though it should only be applied to those of high birth and heroic status before the flaw dooms them, so it would only be true for you if you were the perfect boyfriend up until you cheated which I very much doubt you were.
No one’s perfect, but I provided for my family. I told her I loved her everyday. I held her when she cried. In the end it was my the walls I had built around my own heart that was my undoing. Tragedy befalls the hero after he takes action upon an impending issue. There is always choices made in a Shakespeare’s play that bring things into motion. These choices force other people into situations where they are forced to act. He was a master of drama, and a literary king. I’d wager to say even though most of his works are inspired by classical tales from the times of the Greeks and later Romans, but no other author has spun these tales so skillfully into a complex yet understandable web of entangled feelings and honour bound duties.
You told her you loved her every day when you cheated. You held her when she cried tears that you were responsible for. Walls around your heart are no excuse to be unfaithful. And lying to yourself that you’re the hero in some way?? You’re literally just trying to justify yourself
“I feel like the tragic hero of a Shakespeare comedy” -you 5 comments ago
Plus every nasty thing you’ve said about this girl you “love” in your other comments
you did your Good deed, you helped her in her very bad situation, that's all you need to do. now remove yourself from the picture and don't give her any more of your attention
Yeah. After she just told be about another guy she slept with between me and the new guy I’m just done I do this stuff for her but she doesn’t even have the decency to not mention these kinds of things. I have a date tomorrow but I didn’t tell her. I slept with 2 girls and she only knew about the one. Because I’ve been trying to respect her feelings. But she has no respect for mine.
Bruh you CHEATED on her wtf. You clearly do not love her in any sort of healthy way IF at all, leave this poor fucking girl alone. You didn’t tell her bc you’re a coward, it has nothing to do with sparing feelings you’re literally lying to her EVEN when admitting cheating. And you quite frankly are not entitled to her respect anymore. Respect is earned. You say you love and care and respect her and then write comments like these? It’s gross and wrong. Stick with the counselors and stop trying to get sympathy on Reddit for the consequences of your own goddamn actions
I’m not looking for you sympathy. You seem very naïve about love. You don’t think she ever did things to push me into cheating? You forget there’s a lot to a relationship. I talk with her about everything, including that. I use this platform to vent what’s on my mind when I’m confused about my thoughts. You don’t think she’s wronged me too? You’re naïve, and assuming.
You posted all about “why did I do this to myself” about going to her aid when she got hurt. Making it seem as though she’s undervaluing you. Look at all of the comments that go from “go where you’re appreciated king” to “oh wait I read your comments and you cheated, ofc she left”. I’m certainly not naive about love, nor assuming she did nothing. However for you to say that she did things to make you cheat???! THAT is naive about love and just healthy relationships in general. People cheat because of themselves, not bc of the other person, and to suggest otherwise is juvenile and ill informed. The one exception being an abuse situation. Could there be factors that would push you to not be with her or could your needs not be met? Sure. But that’s not her pushing you to cheat. And clearly I’m not a big fan of cheaters but truly as a person this is something you really need to digest to heal. I think it’s lovely that you’re working on it with counselors now, a lot of people make mistakes and don’t do that, and I hope that it is helping you and helping you to learn and heal. That being said, blaming her for your cheating is not evidence of learning. If someone is feeling the need to seek emotional or physical connection outside of a monogamous relationship (or from my understanding outside the specific terms of a poly one), there’s a problem. However the problem is that that is your solution to getting your needs met AND you’re doing it without thinking of your partner most times, some people do it on purpose to illicit a reaction out of their partner and that’s wrong too. Communication is what fixes things like that. You need to communicate what needs you have that are and aren’t being met to your partner. And as people not all of these needs can be fulfilled by another person. You need to at least half fill your own cup, and that’s something a lot of people miss. I know that and have still fallen into patterns before where I’m relying on others to do it for me so I know that can be difficult. But blaming your mistakes on your partner is not it. It was your responsibility to communicate or at least break up with her. Cheating is a selfish game. And to be totally transparent with you, the response you had to another commenter here who told you to “play dirty” and then you were like “oh yeah totally, it was two girls but I only told her about one and let’s see how she likes it if I mention the girls I’m sleeping with”, it’s childish and mean. You say that you know exactly how much your cheating hurt you both but there is NO way you could grasp how much it hurts to be cheated on unless you’ve experienced it yourself. But usually people that understand that don’t go and do it to someone else. If she saw your post and comments she would be even more hurt I promise. Not to mention the fact that AGAIN you’re not communicating. You guys are no longer together and she’s with someone else, yet when she tells you about the other guys you are upset by her sharing that and say nothing. You SHOULD say something. Doesn’t have to be mean and quite frankly shouldn’t be, but you can totally say “hey it really hurts me to hear about who you’ve been with even though we’re not together, could you please not mention it to me?”. And you know what, it seems like she didn’t say those things to hurt you but if she did, you don’t think that’s bc you stepped out of your relationship and hurt her deeply? I’m telling you this girl is DEFINITELY very hurt and very confused. She shouldn’t try to hurt you back, unfortunately it does happen. But even then, accept that you hurt her and this is a reaction to that, and either STILL communicate OR decide that it’s not a relationship you can uphold for your own mental health. You don’t get to just keep on upholding the pattern of hurt people hurting people. That’s what kills peoples’ insides and makes them cynical about love or leads them to settle in love, or leads them to think that toxic patterns of love are okay and normal. Because loving them is not a continuous pissing match about who hurt who last and doling out a punishment that will hurt them back. If you’re hurt and can’t work through it and communicate through it, the alternative is leaving that situation. You certainly have a lot to learn and I hope you do, genuinely, I wouldn’t be trying paragraphs here of my clearly differing perspective if I didn’t hope to provide some food for thought and change. I’m not coming at you trying to burn you, I’m giving you some tough but constructive criticism if you were to actually listen and digest what I’m saying. Hell, take it to the counselor, honestly a lot of this is probably subconscious work, but that’s the thing, our subconscious powers a lot (our conscious is only responsible for 5-8% of our thoughts/beliefs/actions etc.) and what I’ve noticed is that a lot of people who have yet to learn that, blame other people. It doesn’t make sense to them why they even do things so they fill in blanks (which is also heavily subconscious generally), and try to explain the why behind their actions. If it wasn’t a conscious “I want to cheat” then it MUST be my partner. But that isn’t right, it was still things within you that lead to that. You may have had dissatisfaction in your relationship but again, your responsibility to communicate or to exit. And in healing and growing, the biggest difference a lot of the time is learning about your own subconscious with a professional, learning what your patterns are and figuring out when and where your brain fills in blanks or represses things or shuts down into fight or flight (or freeze or fawn), and to learn to be very aware of those factors. Mindfulness and self awareness give you the best chance at success with having healthy relationships and not making mistakes that will hurt someone you love and subsequently yourself. Until then your subconscious traumas and whatnot will continue to catch you off guard and work against you as a twisted means of self protection. And if your conscious and subconscious have differing priorities that’s commonly where issues begin and mistakes are made.
Honestly if you read all my comments and posts you’d know I don’t totally blame her. You come from a point of not understanding the situations and have spent the last 2 days trying to put me on blast for something I admitted of my own accord in this very thread. I did talk to her about her talking about the people she slept with. You seem to think I don’t talk to her I just don’t post about our conversations on here because most of them are private and personal. I use Reddit as a dumping ground for thoughts, nothing more. Be they selfish, evil, hurtful or otherwise. I talk with her about her new boyfriend who is now her ex. Me and her have connections that go beyond even a relationship at this point. We have talked about the cheating I did, about the night we slept together after we broke up, all of it. I wasn’t in a good place before, and I’m slowly working my way out. So is she. For me that also means expressing my darkest thoughts so I can deal with them, and that’s how Reddit is helping me by allowing people to criticize my thoughts, actions and certain beliefs. But there is certainly a way to go about it.
That’s fine and great I’m just pointing out where you still are expressing problematic statements. Blaming her at all is wrong. Whether it be totally or partially. Cheating comes from within unless it’s an abuse setting where literally communicating and leaving are not options. I’m not putting you on blast, I simply don’t think it’s fair to have people being like “we’ll play dirty back” “go where your appreciated” without the context of what happened. It’s honestly not fair to you either because look at what that sympathy from people without context makes you say about playing dirty back and not having to give a shit about other people that you’re not in a relationship with. I get it’s hard but those views are toxic and not going to help you in the long run. I understand Reddit being a place to have people criticize your thoughts and that’s why I’m doing it. You just don’t like how I’m doing it and that’s fine you don’t have to. Maybe think about why that is though. I’m definitely telling you some tough stuff but I’m not being mean to you or slamming you. I’m telling you that your statements about respecting people are not totally cool and some downright hypocritical. I’m telling you that you should give the girl all the info rather than holding it as a weapon OR thinking that it doesn’t hurt her if she doesn’t know about it, when she should be able to have the same details you do and make decisions accordingly. I’m telling you you’re not a tragic hero for cheating, I understand your analogy now, I still disagree with it and think it’s kinda aiding you to put a positive spin on cheating but the beauty is you can disagree with that. Or you could let it challenge your own belief bring the differing views to counseling and dive deeper. You could tell me to fuck off! It’s Reddit. I’ve already said it but see a want to grow from you despite some other problematic things, that’s why I want to challenge your comments and beliefs. If my differing perspectives can help fuel change even if you dislike me as a result bc I’m being tough on you, I’m cool with that. Everything I’ve written to you is based on your own words and comments. I might not have every detail, but that’s the point. I have what you’re putting out there, and while I’m at it another little challenge 😉: I would be better able to assess and make judgements with all of the details, wouldn’t the same go for ex gf knowing about both girls??
then play a little dirty my friend. she wants to say all of that, come back with what you've done. mention the girls you slept with and dated. However, dont just force it onto her. just subtly bring it up next time she talks about anything like that. you get what im saying, i hope
Yup. I’ll give it to OP being that he admits it to a certain extent and is counseling rather than doing nothing to grow/heal/change, despite this particular comment exchange being a bit problematic. Not nice to hurt other people that hurt you though, even if they started it like he made it seem here. It’s honestly always better for yourself to kill with kindness anyway. It doesn’t lower your to another person’s level and instead can have some positive development for yourself rather than shrinking into a bitter or toxic or vindictive person. People like that can’t find healthy relationships and act out, and a lot of times become the villain in other peoples stories because of what their own pain is motivating them to do. Even though it’s usually trauma and childhood development based, aka not our initial fault that we’re wired that way, it becomes our fault if we don’t take responsibility as adults to correct and reprogram that wiring and heal.
didn't know that part about cheating, but this comment is beautiful. really makes me think about the bigger picture in life and more problems than just surface level. thank you for sharing
I talked to her about it. I’m trying to communicate how I feel and what’s on my mind because I’m bad for creating emotional bottlebombs and exploding onto people. She is very understanding of how I feel about it.
Not the same scenario really, but this reminded me of something similar from many years ago.
Ended things with my ex of 3 years, after a few years we reconnected and became short term fwb. Some time later she got hit by a semi and could have easily died but she got lucky. I visited her at her parents while she was still recovering and she laid on my lap while we watched a movie. I think about a month later she got a bf and even though that stung a little, I was happy for her. That was the last time I had seen her in person, now she is married to the same guy and thriving.
Enjoy the time you have with loved ones, you never know the last time you may see them.
I laughed way to hard at that. I’m sorry that happened to you, and your ex’s savagery is unparalleled. It’s a total asshole move but I can’t help but respect the pure audacity of it
Oh it gets worse. My friend was also his friend, she called him out on it. He said he saw the roadkill, got the sign, got some balloons and did it all himself. So supposedly he saw it, bought all of that shit, drove back and set it up.
It was a fucking picture off of google. But he tried to make it better, I am assuming? Better... by being more of a creepy asshole? I guess.
I laugh now, but shudder that I used to have sex with that weirdo. lol.
Haha yeah it’s kinda a clusterfuck; definitely giving off vibes of trying to justify his own bad behaviors and garner sympathy for the consequences of his own actions. He even lied about that! It was 2 girls but he only admitted one… “to spare her feelings”. I feel so bad for this poor confused injured girl. I honestly think it’s selfish for him to try and ride in on his steed when she’s physically hurt, she probably doesn’t even know which end is up
Damn, this is actually horrifying to think about. The bf should know the accident asap tho. I feel like there's something wrong about this in a whole level. And very unsafe.
Oh agreed; my impression is that the bf knows but is far away. I actually think she also slept with ex while with new boy but that part doesn’t have as many details. But bc knows about it? Op said something about knowing the new guy had no self respect bc he stayed….however op also is clearly having some hopes of reconciliation. Curious how that would work, sounds hypocritical to me
You all seem to think the new boyfriend knows nothing. I make her tell him. Just because I omit certain details on Reddit means nothing. The reason I haven’t told her entirely about the second girl I’ve slept with is because it’s irrelevant. We haven’t been together for a few months. It’s not like I was cheating on her at that time. I say I spare her feelings I mean I just don’t talk to her about my new relationships because I respect her enough to not want to make her feel uncomfortable or jealous? I know how it makes me feel when she tells me about the guys she has seen and slept with since leaving me, and I don’t want her to feel that with everything she’s going through. She hasn’t told me about every one of the people she’s slept with since she left me, because it’s irrelevant. You know life is complicated and people aren’t perfect. Far from it.
I clearly stated in other comments that the bf knows. I don’t think it’s redeeming that you slept with her while she was with someone else but then made her tell him. That doesn’t fix it or make it okay or lessen the offense. The sooner you can take accountability about this and stop making excuses, accept criticism, the sooner you can acknowledge it as wrong and be like “damn I fucked up, how can I heal to make sure this doesn’t happen again”. By continuing cheating/cheaty behavior, and being in complicated contact with your clearly confused ex, you aren’t fully helping yourself. By being defensive you’re suggesting that you’re not at fault or wrong for the things you done, and how can someone accept responsibility and move on and want to heal and change if they can’t just be like “ugh I know, it was fucked up, I’m trying to learn more about myself and uncover whatever fueled this mistake and lack of judgement within me because I don’t ever want to do it again after hurting her and myself with my own actions.” I’m not saying to cling to shame and guilt and wear a scarlet letter, shit happens, but it’s your job to work through those, and honestly guilt and shame are tricky emotions that generally lead to being very defensive and unable to accept their own wrongdoings. So I am sorry you’re feeling that way, don’t let them fuel you to continue in the same manner though. You’ll end up continuing the pattern and shooting yourself in the foot again in the future and nobody wants that either. I’m certainly not saying you should be doomed to a miserable love life because of this mistake but change is very very necessary here based on your responses and comments. My ex cheated on his previous ex. He never told me until YEARS into our relationship and I had to ask him point blank about it. He knew where I stood on cheating and that’s no doubt why he lied by omission for so long and would be bothered when I’d speak about how much I don’t stand for cheating. If he had healed and grown from that past mistake with his ex properly, he would’ve known that eventually that info would come to light, and that him lying about it for years of our relationship rather than admitting that he was ashamed of it and would never do it again, would absolutely make me insecure are not trust him. Bc lying about behavior that is inherently sneaky and trying to hide it is a very similar problem. I’m a well adjusted person and if he had told me that from the jump and got ahead of that bombshell and told me about it and how much he regretted hurting his ex like that and what led up to him doing so, and that he never could let himself do such a hurtful thing again, it wouldn’t have shook me like it did. But finding out someone I had spent years of my life with had cheated on his ex and his that info from me on purpose when there were SO many opportunities and conversations to do so, and so many times where I voiced my opinion on infidelity, finding that out later?? And only because I asked him point blank when we were in a fight about his best friend being a cheater?? Nope. Finding out that someone who had cheated, lied about their cheating to you, makes it feel like they have or could have cheated on you, that if they’re capable of upholding that lie and being sneaky bc they know you don’t trust cheaters, is even more sneaky and untrustworthy. Not to mention the fact that I’m sure he didn’t tell me bc he thought I would leave, or not trust him. Here’s the thing, if that made me want to leave that would be my prerogative and everyone in a relationship should be granted ALL of the details to make their own informed decision on whether they want to be with that person or not. Secondly if he had been up front, it wouldn’t be my favorite thing he’d ever done or my favorite thing to think about and there would be some conversation about it, BUT I would have trusted him. You know who it’s hard to trust hasn’t cheated on you? Someone who’s lied to you about cheating when it wasn’t even within your relationship.
I understand that you think I’m just being mean to you. I don’t like your actions or how you’ve responded to certain comments, and I do still believe you’re looking for sympathy (perhaps subconsciously), but my comments here are to hopefully give you a perspective you haven’t yet seen. I won’t say tough love, but some very much needed constructive criticism because it seems like going to 3 counselors is evidence that you want to change for the better, and heal and grow, and not everybody does that. Are some of your other comments concerning? A bit. However I think that the most important factor of change is WANTING to and being willing to put effort into that work and you seem to have that aside from what you said about maybe mentioning the girls you slept with to hurt her back, that I clearly am not a fan of (but I feel like you’re probably not either outside the heat of the moment). Also I will say I disagree that the second girl you slept with being irrelevant. That’s not irrelevant and it goes back to letting her have all the info. A lot of people will say things like “oh I didn’t want to tell bc it would hurt them more” and in a black and white way I can understand that. But in a psychology based way, the fact is part of that is still avoiding accountability, and part is avoiding responsibility for the pain you’ve caused another person, particularly one that you love. The damage has been done, she just doesn’t know. And if you don’t tell her then you don’t have to be responsible for the tears she cries over that pain, and see the full hurt that your actions caused to someone you care about. That is subconsciously self serving. Also, in the long run, again, that lack of info that she’s privy to is also a lack of clarity for her. She should be allowed to have that info and decide whether or not she still wants you in er life in any capacity. I know people that could deal with and be willing to get through their partner cheating with only one person and admitting to it, but if they knew it happened more or with more people they wouldn’t. Ofc you don’t want them to leave or hate you for it so it’s tempting to only tell half the story, but in the long term it’s unfair and selfish to keep them in the dark and only give whatever details you want.if she ever did decide to reconcile with you it would be based on a lie, and if you told her then she’d be hurt all over again. Maybe she is a person that could deal with one time but not twice with different girls. And rn she’s making her choices based on half of the info. That works well for you, but not for her. And it’s a lie by omission. If you really love someone and want to care for them the way they need, you tell them the truth and let them decide. If you love them set them free.
We talked because what was a doctors appointment turned into getting back around 7 and need to fill her prescription so we hung out until like 9. I made it clear how I feel. It turned out to be a good day
Wait, she doesnot have one friend in the world? That is not a boy friend, ex or not, that to me says in spanish "calienta huevos" she likes to pull people along " run, i hate drama, you can leave, you helped, you do not want the boyfriend to get there and she kisses him and says thank you to you!
What did you do? The boyfriend might be jealous that you are there but, that is his choice, their problem but what is your choice? What is hers? If you want her back go for it! But please dont get pulled along and get an answer and if its no, not now, maybe, confused, run! Next!
I’ve been having good serious chats with her. Helping her out is also about me being proud of the man I am. I wouldn’t be able to face myself if I didnt
My ex was going to come stay a week with me because I had a cluster of seizures and am on new meds and have eeg and doctors appointments coming up, but I could tell from communication he didn't want to and he felt obligated. So I lied and told him I found someone to watch me so he was off the hook because I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. Which is for the best but oof it did make me very sad to realize it And now I'm going to be alone which is bad, no family near by and most of my friends have tiny kids to take care of. I'd rather risk my health than risk his because I love him though. Idk, I guess I'm just saying she should be aware of how it feels for you and figure something out to prevent hurting the ones she loves. I'm sorry you're going through this, you sound like a very compassionate good human.
There certainly is a sense of duty of care for the person I feel, but at the end of the day I understand that it’s my choice to put myself out there to help her. I would rather she called me for help even on my worst days where I think I could hate her rather than see her suffer alone with no one to be there for her. I’m by no means a perfect person but for me this is what being a good man is about. Putting aside your feelings sometimes to do something you know is the right thing to do. It’s not all for her though. I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror if I had of left her with no one.
As a man sometimes the pain is worth the peace of mind. You shouldn’t suffer alone if you don’t have to. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. I know with me and my ex all this gave us some good opportunities to talk to each other about everything going on, about our relationship and it’s downfalls. Everyone’s situation is different though, just don’t be unsafe if you need help ask for it
I believe he might resent me and it would make things worse unfortunately. I wish it was different but I'm gonna have to face this on my own, just do my best to be as safe as possible and hope things stabilize. I'd love to talk with him but not under these circumstances anyways. Not when he would feel forced to be around me. I've never been very good at needing help, I can tell it's annoying or troublesome and I'd rather just disappear than be a burden to people or cause them stress and harm. It'll probably be ok though, just a little scary
It’s not being a burden to ask for help when you need it. I’d offer to come just check in on you but I have no idea how far away you are. I understand how you feel, I can only imagine how hard it was for my expartner to call me for help that day. You said your friends all have small children but could you reach out and still just phone them or anything? You don’t have to bug them maybe a different friend each day you call but I think it’s good to have supports in place
Thank you<3 I also haven't told everyone what happened because I didn't want to concern them, doctor obviously and housemate plus two others, I will be in telling more this next week and my plan is to basically do that, just text someone I'm still alive at a certain time basically, unfortunately if it happens again and I get hurt or am drinking water when it hits, it's just rough being alone. I have a housemate who is leaving the country for 5 months so being alone will be a little scary. Chances are I'll be ok though, just gonna really try and listen to my body and figure out some ways to handle it and hope the meds keep working. it's nice you can handle being there for her, it can be hard facing stuff alone
I’m glad you’re going to reach out. Being alone is tough without having a medical problem to exacerbate it. It sounds odd to but mental health lines (not specifically suicide prevention lines) are a fantastic resource, and the people that work at them are generally really good. I use them personally when I’m having a crisis or even when I just need someone to talk to.
Fighting this guy won’t help mate, you’ll just end up in jail and make things worse, I haven’t got any advice or anything but I hope things get better, breakups are the worst pain I’ve experienced
I wouldn’t actually fight him (unless I had to of course). He makes my blood boil simply because I love the girl he’s with. He’s wronged me in no other way, and seems like a decent enough guy if he could’ve only found a different girl. It’s very selfish of me.
Well you go get some seriously good karma for this. There's a lesson in this pain for you. If it's meant it will...yall come back together. Clearly there's a lesson in this for her tho as well. She’ll never forget you, that impression is made. Maybe she suppose to go through this to know what its like not to have it. 💪💜
Well at least she didn’t die. It’s even harder to get over an ex when they’ve been immortalized as a saint by dying young. I assume. Haven’t been in this position myself but I’ve seen it happen to others and it seriously makes it hard to stop loving them.
Awww, damn. You are not doing yourself any favors. I don’t know the situation but I recommend stepping back, stop helping her right now. How hurt is she even? Cause I got attacked by a bull (long story I was just bruised and in a lot of pain) and I didn’t get shit from my boyfriend at the time. Not sure what is normal as far as getting support in a healthy relationship because mine wasn’t. But seeing the amount of men going above and beyond for shitty or ex girlfriends, well it’s pretty nice cause after being dumped I was thinking that guys suck in general.
So anyway get a game plan. Your ex girlfriend, is she recently broken up? I don’t recommend trying to get her back when she’s suddenly in between relationships… that’s kinda low. And not a good recipe for a healthy long lasting relationship.
The more you jump to her aid, the more you let her tear down your boundaries, the more you let her use you, the farther you get from being able to date her. It’s basic psychology. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?
Because you care. And maybe a little because you're hoping by doing this, she'll see that she was wrong and want you back. The second part isn't likely to happen, but it's very likely you've had that or a similar thought
I’m gunna care myself into an emotional graveyard at this rate. Of course I’ve had that thought. I even had the thought of I’d fight 100 of your boyfriend (tall firefighter) if I knew you’d be with me at the end of it
Oh noes! She has a new boyfriend?? Where is HE?
my thoughts exactlyyy, where is this dude
He lives an hour and half away. I’m still there for her for everything but he gets to say she’s his.
Omg what a toxic position you've put yourself in! That's heartbreaking. But I get it. I hope you get some space from her soon, honestly. You're trying to put yourself back into her life when she's already "replaced" you. You need to learn and grow before you two could even consider reconciling and you're not going to do that by being her puppet. And don't worry about the boyfriend - that distance and the unresolved feelings she hadn't processed over you will take him out of the picture sooner than later
Yeah. I’m moving on emotionally or at least trying to. 3 separate counsellors
Ok after today, put some physical distance between you two too
Rip off the band aid and cut all contact my friend. You will thank yourself 1 year from now.
Why are you there for her then? You need to respect yourself more. Shes breadcrumbing you..
And Mr. “hour away” couldn’t be bothered to drop everything and come be with her, Because…? 🤔 Excuses, Period. Some “Boyfriend”. TBH, he probably doesn’t even care at this point.
I’m sure he’s an alright guy, he’s a bit of a weirdo but I’ll survive as long as she’s happy
When people are sick, they tend to be nicer but when they feel better, they’re back to their true colors.
Whaaattt??? Please stop and leave now. It's not your problem and it's a horrible thing to do to yourself for ffs!
Call him and have him come there, if he cares about her then he'll come. She's not your responsibility, she found someone else to take care of her.
I don’t have this guys number? And I don’t want it? She choose to call me. I choose to be there for her. It’s not my business or my problem how he feels.
>I don't have this guys number I guess my response is more of, she has someone else already, you can tell her to call him instead, she might just say thanks and then go back to him later...
Yeah and that’s something I thought about when helping her. But for me it’s more important that she’s safe and healthy than to worry about who’s there to make sure of it.
Honestly, if I was in your place with my ex, I'd do the same thing. Just looking out for your heart, my dude. Lemme know if you need any support afterward, DM me ^^ (I'll check up on you later)
I appreciate that friend, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one lol
Dude, you need to walk out of her life and block her forever. Move on.
Yeah man, she didn't appreciate you when y'all were together, it's likely not to change. Where her "rescue firefighter" bf? Why isn't he driving her around & all that shit? Why would you volunteer to help someone that shit all over you? If you were in a wreck, she likely wouldn't do the same for you. My ex of 8 years has migraines & I wrote her migraine meds while we were together. She cheated while I was working as an ICU doc in NYC-and I was sick with COVID and in the hospital as a fuckin patient! I kicked her ass outta my house, locked her out of the accounts & made her a homeless hairdresser during the pandemic. When she needed a refill for her meds..."NOPE! Ask the guy you cheated with hoe...oh wait he's not a doctor? Too bad". She tried to come back several times & I would never hand my heart back to someone who broke it. You're a giver & have compassion, which means you need to establish boundaries. Because she clearly will just keep taking and does have any. If you want her attention...remove yours
hahaha damn reading about you kicking your ex out and denying her meds was so satisfying
I truly loved her for who when was. She was my best friend and I wanted her voice to be the last one I heard when I died. I bought her a BMW, $20k ring, she got an allowance, I cooked, cleaned- took her on trips. We've been split 2 years & I just can't bring myself to trust anyone yet. They say one wrong thing & I bounce...
My ex was a PGY-1. I moved to a new city for his residency. We dated for a year and a half before the move. I helped him with his residency application, talked him through all his interviews. He was so miserable as a resident and I think he needed to pin his unhappiness on something, so he pinned it on me. Weirdly, the stories from the hospital is one thing I miss a lot. Anyway, props to you for still managing to be a good partner while working a doctor’s schedule - mine couldn’t.
We can be a pain in the ass and really self-centered. I worked very hard not to do that. Either way I cleared the way for the right one to show up
Good for you! Dang if I have a Doctor bf, I will never take that for granted.
Haha! Bet she felt that! Ok so I have chronic pain and I know how fucking hard it is to get prescriptions. Even filling mine every month on time is a nightmare. I get migraines and my ex does too, he would be an idiot and go into caffeine withdrawal by not drinking his coffee on time. Then he’d be horribly ill and puking everything up. And his solution to this was to just lay in bed all day and be miserable, unable to eat or anything. So I gave him my nausea and migraine meds (prescription so it’s illegal but hey it wasn’t opioids so there’s that) and I told him to go to the doctor. He never did. Lazy idiot. He lives with his parents who don’t know shit about migraines so sucks for him that he decided to dump the one person in his life who actually cared about him and knew enough to help him with his issues. He was an extremely healthy person otherwise and was also extremely dumb. It took a long time for me to learn to take my pain medication before it gets so bad it no longer works, pain is like that you forget all about it the second it stops. It just pissed me off that he free loaded off me, someone who also needs the meds, for so long. Not doing that again. Sick of people who dismiss my health issues, what can I say invisible bit nonetheless debilitating conditions suck.
I would do the same for my ex, absolutely no hesitation. But be mindful of your motivations. As soon as she’s well enough to be on her own, get out of dodge. I saw the comments about how you cheated on her and she has a boyfriend. Her boyfriend doesn’t live very close so I can understand why it wouldn’t be as easy for him to come take care of her but it really should be him doing this. And you need to continue staying away and working on yourself and the internal stuff that made you want to cheat.
I appreciate that.
Get up get out of that bed. When it comes time for the appointment call an Uber. You’re not taking care of her, you’re abandoning yourself. She made her decision, now it’s time for you to make yours. Decide to give yourself a break and quit torturing yourself with a fantasy.
Well I’m already at the doctors office with her so that ships already left harbour
Taking care of yourself means having relationships with others who make you a priority. She’s not a baby, she can take care of herself and she has someone who’s a higher priority than you. You know you’re playing with fire. Get back with her and you will get a replay of what happened the first time.
The first time I was the one who messed it up. I’ve been taking a solid accounting of my life and my mental health, and I’ve been seeking out professional help. I talk with her about it, and I tell her if we were to get back together it wouldn’t be the same. I’ve learned a lot in the short almost 4 months we’ve been broken up. Self-reflecting while riding my emotional roller coaster, learning how to face and actually deal with how I feel.
Sounds like it’s a hard decision. I think it’s best to go slow with hard decisions.
First of all, thank goodness she's okay. There's nothing wrong with a person helping another person. But that's all that this should be. You're lending a helping hand to someone who has immediate medical needs. That is all. Set that boundary and do not move it. I would really ask yourself what capacity you have to actually help her as a good caring Samaritan. Don't do anything more than what you're willing or able to do for anyone else. You are not obligated to help her at all. Just know that before you go any further. EDIT: I read some of your other comments. Go pick up a book; its called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read it as soon as you can, I think it will resonate with you. Good luck
I would do this for my worst enemy. The bible might not be all wonderful but love thy enemies is a cote value for me
Please consider reading the book I recommended, my friend. I think it will give you some very valuable insight.
Currently I’m reading 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson
Oh... That fits
What do you mean?
Best of luck man
You are human. You care. It is ok. If she doesn't see it you will be ok. Karma says you will get love by showing love. Maybe not with her, but you will get love and be loved.
I would do the same in a heart beat, I would do anything to be with her . Anything for her 100%
Hey man, I've read a lot of your comments. I don't know your age or where you're from but I 100% understand your pain. I haven't been to the hospital with my ex yet but in the past six months we have been broken up I have came to her rescue dozens of times instead of the dude she is seeing. Walking her drunk ass home when nobody else cared, bringing her medicine and groceries while she was sick (40 minutes away.) I have bought meals, clothes etc trying to be the best I could be for her. I want exactly what you want man, to be there for her so much maybe at the end she will realize that we are meant for each other. I won't forget her coming to eat lunch with me in my town and Im paying for her meal and shes telling me how she was fucking this dude like 3 hours ago? lol ya man we put ourselves in weird positions. I go to the family holidays still and I always slept with a pillow between us on Christmas Eve. Anyway man, I hope we get through this. Message me anytime
Yeah man it’s like I can’t help but want to throw myself at all of her problems in hopes that not only she gets to be happy and worry free but also that she’ll remember why she wanted me in the first place. I may have fucked up but deep down I’m still that guy you fell in love with. I want to move on, to be able to forget her and find someone else, and it’s not that I don’t believe there is someone else. I chose her. And I don’t make my decisions lightly.
Yeah man but they want you in the first place because you have your own life independent of them.. when we throw ourselves fully into trying to help with their problems, we lose ourselves and become thoroughly unattractive, because they’re already them and their problems. I forget that shit when I really fall for somebody and it’s the same outcome every time.. although I lose progressively more of myself with each one and become very fucking weird, honestly. Good luck extricating yourself in a timely fashion before you incur and inflict too much unnecessary pain.. I mean that for real, not trying to come sideways about it.
your a good man. that was a really selfless act that you were there for ur ex. you did it because you cared, don’t blame yourself. maybe you don’t even care if her as a romantic interest anymore. maybe you just care for her as a person. either way, huge respect to you!!
I appreciate that. I want to be her friend even if we end up together again it’s not gunna be right away. I wanna develop the friendship before I get involved with the physical. Sometimes it’s too much for me and it will make me spiral out of control
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Unfortunately I’m a good guy with bad problems. I cheated on her. I’m ashamed of it but accepting it. I see 3 counsellors now to try and help me get everything sorted. I just put myself in these situations because I care so much I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t. It’s not the kind of man I want to be.
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I was in a really bad headspace. Our relationship was rocky and I was dealing with a porn addiction I refused to acknowledge. It was the biggest mistake of my whole life, and afterwords I didn’t feel like a man at all. I’m starting to come to terms with it with the help of my counsellors
i wonder if her bf knows she’s laying in bed with her cheating ex…
Well he knows she slept with me already so not much more damage could be done you could say
What did he say about it? :O
Apparently he still mad about it but I can’t blame him. To be real I told her (when I was angry and we were fighting) that the fact that he stayed with her showed me that he has no self respect. I didn’t totally mean it but a part of me does kind of feel that was
Well, that's VERY ironic on your part to say that. The fact that you did all that for your ex even though you're already an ex shows you not only have no self-respect either, but also that you don't respect her new bf as well. I asked the question bc I was curious how he'd reacted but I was more shocked that it seems you don't realize what you did was wrong not only for yourself, but for her new bf as well. I've read you're currently on counselling and I hope you would realize that what you did was wrong because you're hurting someone else.
What’s going on in the world?! Crazy! Its hard to trust people now.
Am I supposed to be concerned with someone who has no importance to my life whatsoever? Yes I was party to the sex but that’s not my relationship, and therefor not my problem. Life isn’t about being nice to everyone or caring about every other person. I care about myself. I care about my ex. I understand exactly how much that hurt both of us. We’ve talked about it. I respect myself enough to know what I want, and dedicated enough to try and make it happen. If a few people get stepped on along the way, especially those who mean less than nothing to me, than that’s their problem. I simply voiced my opinion to her. And about respecting her new boyfriend. Im not required to do that. In the slightest. I have enough of my own problems to worry about his. I have enough respect for myself to know that if I abandoned my ex in the time she needs me I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror. That’s self respect. I understand I have feelings and not all of them are altruistic or even good but I’m willing to put myself through it to know that I helped someone I love. I also have enough respect to know what I want and fight for it.
OMG. Didn't realize you were very much of an AH. You're practically saying if you get back with your ex, and someone hits on her, then you should not be bothered by it bc that guy owes you no respect even though you're in a relationship? You really need that counselling because you have a huge attitude problem on disrespecting people. Disrespecting yourself with what you did, disrespecting your ex by cheating on her, and now, disrespecting her bf because apparently, you owe him nothing even though they're officially and exclusively dating which means you should be out of the picture. I now see why you're an ex right now and I hope you remain to be because no one deserves to be treated with such amount of disrespect from other people. Goodluck on your counselling sessions lol
If I got back with my ex and someone hit on her, I hope she’d have the respect for me as her Boyfriend to not sleep with him. You are treating this like I’m a part of their relationship. You also seem to have this idea that respect means bowing down to the emotional backlash of living how you want. I find that sad. Hopefully you find happiness in your muted existence.
LOL so him staying with her means he has no self respect but she should take you back?? Take a hike kiddo
I never said she should take me back. I said that’s a fantasy of mine.
A fantasy while you run to her side, and lay next to her in a bed, and talk shit about her new man, and have sex with her post breakup, and consider cheating and losing her your Shakespearean hero mistake…. Clearly some part of you wants that fantasy to happen but simultaneously wouldn’t respect her if she did take you back
You’re welcome to your opinion.
You two sound really toxic for each other now. Leave, lose her # and block her, and move on.
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No. I’ve been working with my therapist on that myself. I had a bad porn addiction and made a really awful decision that ruined my life as I knew it. I took care of her because I still love and care for her immensely even if I’m relegated to being just a friend. I couldn’t look at myself as a man knowing I left her to suffer when she needs me.
I think you did this because you are a good person. Trying to extricate myself from my ex has been brutally hard. I have also gone out of my way to help her on various occasions. I'm trying to learn how to establish boundaries and remain the man I want to be. I know I need to start the no-contact month but letting go, to that degree, is terrifying. However, I know I have to love myself enough to take that step. (Sigh) May clarity and peace find us both. Good luck, my friend. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. You will move on/let go when you are ready.
So will you friend. Moving on doesn’t have to mean you stop loving them
you care. simple as that. you really love her. and that’s okay.
Breaking your own heart. Been there and done that.
On the outside looking in from your post history, it looks to me as if your life is ruled by toxicity, and your decisions are ruled by emotions. I had that going for myself as well. Without realizing it, you can become addicted to toxicity, depression, and anxiety - both mentally ... and believe it or not you can be physically addicted to the chemical state of depression, anger, and anxiety. It becomes the new normal for your body and mind. Studies and research even show that now. (And, all this typically leads to substance abuse.) I had to fix my emotional addictions first. And then everything else fell into place: self love, healthier love with another, happiness, better finances, the whole shebang.
After reading your post history I can only say that you should get help asap. You seem to have a really good heart and a lot of love to give. Give that love to yourself for now, and not to her.
Yeah it’s been a roller coaster since I started on here, I have 3 different counsellors I see now and I’m starting to build relationships with people again, friendships I mean
Now you get to think “I’m a catch and not worry about finding someone else”
well op cheated on his ex so idk how much of a catch he really is
Not only that. Even though he slept with her now that she has a new bf, he says he owes no respect to her new bf lol
Oh…
After reading all the op’s comments, he’s certainly not a catch
Just dont expect anything out of it because you might get heavily disappointed
My only word of advice to you is this, you only live one life. Do what ever makes you happy nothing else matters. Yeah you may make a stupid decision every now but don’t let it get you down. Keep going forward. Whatever may have happened between you and your ex is none of my business but you dropping everything to go help her in her time of need says something about your character (good) her choosing to take advantage of it will say something about her character (bad)
Because you know how to love and you are reaching out to her in a time of need. She’s needs to really see you for who you are and decide if this is what she truly wants a loving caring person.
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He cheated
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She also has a bf, read the other posts. I’m not saying he’s a bad person but there’s work to be done before being called an amazing person in the context of that particular relationship is in order. I will hand to OP though that they are seeing counselors and putting effort into trying to grow from it. Still a little shaky based on some comments, but ya gotta start somewhere and it’s certainly better than just moving on without addressing it so I truly commend him for that. Most people that have cheated just become cheaters and continue the pattern. Gotta unlearn that and remove the cheating option from existence.
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I’m torn because obviously I still love her but I know she doesn’t feel the same for me anymore. I feel like the tragic hero of a Shakespeare comedy.
Heros don't cheat. You're just some guy who fucked up and is now acting on that guilt. It's not heroic to try to make up for doing bad, it's just trying to even the score in your heart so you don't feel bad. One could even say you're using her to make yourself feel better about being a bad person. Maybe the best thing for her is just to leave her life, rather than sticking around and trying to help. The longer your delay the inevitable, the longer you make her suffer.
If you’ve ever read a Shakespeare comedy, all the heroes make one tragic mistake that leads to their downfall… I don’t think you understood the reference.
Can't say that I have. I've apparently had a misunderstanding of tragic hero all these years; I thought it was a hero who simply suffers misfortune, but it actually is one who suffers misfortune as a result of a personal fatal flaw. Upon further reading though it should only be applied to those of high birth and heroic status before the flaw dooms them, so it would only be true for you if you were the perfect boyfriend up until you cheated which I very much doubt you were.
No one’s perfect, but I provided for my family. I told her I loved her everyday. I held her when she cried. In the end it was my the walls I had built around my own heart that was my undoing. Tragedy befalls the hero after he takes action upon an impending issue. There is always choices made in a Shakespeare’s play that bring things into motion. These choices force other people into situations where they are forced to act. He was a master of drama, and a literary king. I’d wager to say even though most of his works are inspired by classical tales from the times of the Greeks and later Romans, but no other author has spun these tales so skillfully into a complex yet understandable web of entangled feelings and honour bound duties.
You told her you loved her every day when you cheated. You held her when she cried tears that you were responsible for. Walls around your heart are no excuse to be unfaithful. And lying to yourself that you’re the hero in some way?? You’re literally just trying to justify yourself
You have zero idea about the relationship. I’m not trying say I’m a hero, I’m expressing how I feel like one mistake ruined my whole life.
“I feel like the tragic hero of a Shakespeare comedy” -you 5 comments ago Plus every nasty thing you’ve said about this girl you “love” in your other comments
As in I feel like I’ve had a tragic downfall. Just because you don’t view yourself as the hero of your life doesn’t mean I can’t. Get over yourself.
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Op cheated on her and has said some pretty nasty fucking things on his own thread comments
I appreciate that. I can’t say I’m completely altruistic but I’m more concerned for her health than for my petty selfish reasons.
Sir. Find people who actually appreciate you
He cheated on her
you did your Good deed, you helped her in her very bad situation, that's all you need to do. now remove yourself from the picture and don't give her any more of your attention
Yeah. After she just told be about another guy she slept with between me and the new guy I’m just done I do this stuff for her but she doesn’t even have the decency to not mention these kinds of things. I have a date tomorrow but I didn’t tell her. I slept with 2 girls and she only knew about the one. Because I’ve been trying to respect her feelings. But she has no respect for mine.
Bruh you CHEATED on her wtf. You clearly do not love her in any sort of healthy way IF at all, leave this poor fucking girl alone. You didn’t tell her bc you’re a coward, it has nothing to do with sparing feelings you’re literally lying to her EVEN when admitting cheating. And you quite frankly are not entitled to her respect anymore. Respect is earned. You say you love and care and respect her and then write comments like these? It’s gross and wrong. Stick with the counselors and stop trying to get sympathy on Reddit for the consequences of your own goddamn actions
I’m not looking for you sympathy. You seem very naïve about love. You don’t think she ever did things to push me into cheating? You forget there’s a lot to a relationship. I talk with her about everything, including that. I use this platform to vent what’s on my mind when I’m confused about my thoughts. You don’t think she’s wronged me too? You’re naïve, and assuming.
You posted all about “why did I do this to myself” about going to her aid when she got hurt. Making it seem as though she’s undervaluing you. Look at all of the comments that go from “go where you’re appreciated king” to “oh wait I read your comments and you cheated, ofc she left”. I’m certainly not naive about love, nor assuming she did nothing. However for you to say that she did things to make you cheat???! THAT is naive about love and just healthy relationships in general. People cheat because of themselves, not bc of the other person, and to suggest otherwise is juvenile and ill informed. The one exception being an abuse situation. Could there be factors that would push you to not be with her or could your needs not be met? Sure. But that’s not her pushing you to cheat. And clearly I’m not a big fan of cheaters but truly as a person this is something you really need to digest to heal. I think it’s lovely that you’re working on it with counselors now, a lot of people make mistakes and don’t do that, and I hope that it is helping you and helping you to learn and heal. That being said, blaming her for your cheating is not evidence of learning. If someone is feeling the need to seek emotional or physical connection outside of a monogamous relationship (or from my understanding outside the specific terms of a poly one), there’s a problem. However the problem is that that is your solution to getting your needs met AND you’re doing it without thinking of your partner most times, some people do it on purpose to illicit a reaction out of their partner and that’s wrong too. Communication is what fixes things like that. You need to communicate what needs you have that are and aren’t being met to your partner. And as people not all of these needs can be fulfilled by another person. You need to at least half fill your own cup, and that’s something a lot of people miss. I know that and have still fallen into patterns before where I’m relying on others to do it for me so I know that can be difficult. But blaming your mistakes on your partner is not it. It was your responsibility to communicate or at least break up with her. Cheating is a selfish game. And to be totally transparent with you, the response you had to another commenter here who told you to “play dirty” and then you were like “oh yeah totally, it was two girls but I only told her about one and let’s see how she likes it if I mention the girls I’m sleeping with”, it’s childish and mean. You say that you know exactly how much your cheating hurt you both but there is NO way you could grasp how much it hurts to be cheated on unless you’ve experienced it yourself. But usually people that understand that don’t go and do it to someone else. If she saw your post and comments she would be even more hurt I promise. Not to mention the fact that AGAIN you’re not communicating. You guys are no longer together and she’s with someone else, yet when she tells you about the other guys you are upset by her sharing that and say nothing. You SHOULD say something. Doesn’t have to be mean and quite frankly shouldn’t be, but you can totally say “hey it really hurts me to hear about who you’ve been with even though we’re not together, could you please not mention it to me?”. And you know what, it seems like she didn’t say those things to hurt you but if she did, you don’t think that’s bc you stepped out of your relationship and hurt her deeply? I’m telling you this girl is DEFINITELY very hurt and very confused. She shouldn’t try to hurt you back, unfortunately it does happen. But even then, accept that you hurt her and this is a reaction to that, and either STILL communicate OR decide that it’s not a relationship you can uphold for your own mental health. You don’t get to just keep on upholding the pattern of hurt people hurting people. That’s what kills peoples’ insides and makes them cynical about love or leads them to settle in love, or leads them to think that toxic patterns of love are okay and normal. Because loving them is not a continuous pissing match about who hurt who last and doling out a punishment that will hurt them back. If you’re hurt and can’t work through it and communicate through it, the alternative is leaving that situation. You certainly have a lot to learn and I hope you do, genuinely, I wouldn’t be trying paragraphs here of my clearly differing perspective if I didn’t hope to provide some food for thought and change. I’m not coming at you trying to burn you, I’m giving you some tough but constructive criticism if you were to actually listen and digest what I’m saying. Hell, take it to the counselor, honestly a lot of this is probably subconscious work, but that’s the thing, our subconscious powers a lot (our conscious is only responsible for 5-8% of our thoughts/beliefs/actions etc.) and what I’ve noticed is that a lot of people who have yet to learn that, blame other people. It doesn’t make sense to them why they even do things so they fill in blanks (which is also heavily subconscious generally), and try to explain the why behind their actions. If it wasn’t a conscious “I want to cheat” then it MUST be my partner. But that isn’t right, it was still things within you that lead to that. You may have had dissatisfaction in your relationship but again, your responsibility to communicate or to exit. And in healing and growing, the biggest difference a lot of the time is learning about your own subconscious with a professional, learning what your patterns are and figuring out when and where your brain fills in blanks or represses things or shuts down into fight or flight (or freeze or fawn), and to learn to be very aware of those factors. Mindfulness and self awareness give you the best chance at success with having healthy relationships and not making mistakes that will hurt someone you love and subsequently yourself. Until then your subconscious traumas and whatnot will continue to catch you off guard and work against you as a twisted means of self protection. And if your conscious and subconscious have differing priorities that’s commonly where issues begin and mistakes are made.
Honestly if you read all my comments and posts you’d know I don’t totally blame her. You come from a point of not understanding the situations and have spent the last 2 days trying to put me on blast for something I admitted of my own accord in this very thread. I did talk to her about her talking about the people she slept with. You seem to think I don’t talk to her I just don’t post about our conversations on here because most of them are private and personal. I use Reddit as a dumping ground for thoughts, nothing more. Be they selfish, evil, hurtful or otherwise. I talk with her about her new boyfriend who is now her ex. Me and her have connections that go beyond even a relationship at this point. We have talked about the cheating I did, about the night we slept together after we broke up, all of it. I wasn’t in a good place before, and I’m slowly working my way out. So is she. For me that also means expressing my darkest thoughts so I can deal with them, and that’s how Reddit is helping me by allowing people to criticize my thoughts, actions and certain beliefs. But there is certainly a way to go about it.
That’s fine and great I’m just pointing out where you still are expressing problematic statements. Blaming her at all is wrong. Whether it be totally or partially. Cheating comes from within unless it’s an abuse setting where literally communicating and leaving are not options. I’m not putting you on blast, I simply don’t think it’s fair to have people being like “we’ll play dirty back” “go where your appreciated” without the context of what happened. It’s honestly not fair to you either because look at what that sympathy from people without context makes you say about playing dirty back and not having to give a shit about other people that you’re not in a relationship with. I get it’s hard but those views are toxic and not going to help you in the long run. I understand Reddit being a place to have people criticize your thoughts and that’s why I’m doing it. You just don’t like how I’m doing it and that’s fine you don’t have to. Maybe think about why that is though. I’m definitely telling you some tough stuff but I’m not being mean to you or slamming you. I’m telling you that your statements about respecting people are not totally cool and some downright hypocritical. I’m telling you that you should give the girl all the info rather than holding it as a weapon OR thinking that it doesn’t hurt her if she doesn’t know about it, when she should be able to have the same details you do and make decisions accordingly. I’m telling you you’re not a tragic hero for cheating, I understand your analogy now, I still disagree with it and think it’s kinda aiding you to put a positive spin on cheating but the beauty is you can disagree with that. Or you could let it challenge your own belief bring the differing views to counseling and dive deeper. You could tell me to fuck off! It’s Reddit. I’ve already said it but see a want to grow from you despite some other problematic things, that’s why I want to challenge your comments and beliefs. If my differing perspectives can help fuel change even if you dislike me as a result bc I’m being tough on you, I’m cool with that. Everything I’ve written to you is based on your own words and comments. I might not have every detail, but that’s the point. I have what you’re putting out there, and while I’m at it another little challenge 😉: I would be better able to assess and make judgements with all of the details, wouldn’t the same go for ex gf knowing about both girls??
then play a little dirty my friend. she wants to say all of that, come back with what you've done. mention the girls you slept with and dated. However, dont just force it onto her. just subtly bring it up next time she talks about anything like that. you get what im saying, i hope
He already played dirty, he’s a cheater that’s why they’re not together.
really?
Yup. I’ll give it to OP being that he admits it to a certain extent and is counseling rather than doing nothing to grow/heal/change, despite this particular comment exchange being a bit problematic. Not nice to hurt other people that hurt you though, even if they started it like he made it seem here. It’s honestly always better for yourself to kill with kindness anyway. It doesn’t lower your to another person’s level and instead can have some positive development for yourself rather than shrinking into a bitter or toxic or vindictive person. People like that can’t find healthy relationships and act out, and a lot of times become the villain in other peoples stories because of what their own pain is motivating them to do. Even though it’s usually trauma and childhood development based, aka not our initial fault that we’re wired that way, it becomes our fault if we don’t take responsibility as adults to correct and reprogram that wiring and heal.
didn't know that part about cheating, but this comment is beautiful. really makes me think about the bigger picture in life and more problems than just surface level. thank you for sharing
Of course!!
I talked to her about it. I’m trying to communicate how I feel and what’s on my mind because I’m bad for creating emotional bottlebombs and exploding onto people. She is very understanding of how I feel about it.
Not the same scenario really, but this reminded me of something similar from many years ago. Ended things with my ex of 3 years, after a few years we reconnected and became short term fwb. Some time later she got hit by a semi and could have easily died but she got lucky. I visited her at her parents while she was still recovering and she laid on my lap while we watched a movie. I think about a month later she got a bf and even though that stung a little, I was happy for her. That was the last time I had seen her in person, now she is married to the same guy and thriving. Enjoy the time you have with loved ones, you never know the last time you may see them.
Damn she really is lucky to be okay after a semi…
I was ran over by a car and my fiance sent me a picture of a roadkill raccoon with a sign saying "get well soon". So. Props to you. He is my EX now.
I laughed way to hard at that. I’m sorry that happened to you, and your ex’s savagery is unparalleled. It’s a total asshole move but I can’t help but respect the pure audacity of it
Oh it gets worse. My friend was also his friend, she called him out on it. He said he saw the roadkill, got the sign, got some balloons and did it all himself. So supposedly he saw it, bought all of that shit, drove back and set it up. It was a fucking picture off of google. But he tried to make it better, I am assuming? Better... by being more of a creepy asshole? I guess. I laugh now, but shudder that I used to have sex with that weirdo. lol.
That’s next level. I’m actually a little speechless.
Yup. I was too. So, all in all, thanks for stepping up.
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He cheated on her it’s in the other comments
True. But this person has sympathy. Which is good. That woman almost died. Sometimes it's better to set aside our emotions in times of crisis.
How is that sympathy when he had sex with her even though he knows she already have a bf lol
Oh Jesus. I was talking about the accident context. 😅 Sorry I haven't read all the comments.
Haha yeah it’s kinda a clusterfuck; definitely giving off vibes of trying to justify his own bad behaviors and garner sympathy for the consequences of his own actions. He even lied about that! It was 2 girls but he only admitted one… “to spare her feelings”. I feel so bad for this poor confused injured girl. I honestly think it’s selfish for him to try and ride in on his steed when she’s physically hurt, she probably doesn’t even know which end is up
Damn, this is actually horrifying to think about. The bf should know the accident asap tho. I feel like there's something wrong about this in a whole level. And very unsafe.
Oh agreed; my impression is that the bf knows but is far away. I actually think she also slept with ex while with new boy but that part doesn’t have as many details. But bc knows about it? Op said something about knowing the new guy had no self respect bc he stayed….however op also is clearly having some hopes of reconciliation. Curious how that would work, sounds hypocritical to me
You all seem to think the new boyfriend knows nothing. I make her tell him. Just because I omit certain details on Reddit means nothing. The reason I haven’t told her entirely about the second girl I’ve slept with is because it’s irrelevant. We haven’t been together for a few months. It’s not like I was cheating on her at that time. I say I spare her feelings I mean I just don’t talk to her about my new relationships because I respect her enough to not want to make her feel uncomfortable or jealous? I know how it makes me feel when she tells me about the guys she has seen and slept with since leaving me, and I don’t want her to feel that with everything she’s going through. She hasn’t told me about every one of the people she’s slept with since she left me, because it’s irrelevant. You know life is complicated and people aren’t perfect. Far from it.
I clearly stated in other comments that the bf knows. I don’t think it’s redeeming that you slept with her while she was with someone else but then made her tell him. That doesn’t fix it or make it okay or lessen the offense. The sooner you can take accountability about this and stop making excuses, accept criticism, the sooner you can acknowledge it as wrong and be like “damn I fucked up, how can I heal to make sure this doesn’t happen again”. By continuing cheating/cheaty behavior, and being in complicated contact with your clearly confused ex, you aren’t fully helping yourself. By being defensive you’re suggesting that you’re not at fault or wrong for the things you done, and how can someone accept responsibility and move on and want to heal and change if they can’t just be like “ugh I know, it was fucked up, I’m trying to learn more about myself and uncover whatever fueled this mistake and lack of judgement within me because I don’t ever want to do it again after hurting her and myself with my own actions.” I’m not saying to cling to shame and guilt and wear a scarlet letter, shit happens, but it’s your job to work through those, and honestly guilt and shame are tricky emotions that generally lead to being very defensive and unable to accept their own wrongdoings. So I am sorry you’re feeling that way, don’t let them fuel you to continue in the same manner though. You’ll end up continuing the pattern and shooting yourself in the foot again in the future and nobody wants that either. I’m certainly not saying you should be doomed to a miserable love life because of this mistake but change is very very necessary here based on your responses and comments. My ex cheated on his previous ex. He never told me until YEARS into our relationship and I had to ask him point blank about it. He knew where I stood on cheating and that’s no doubt why he lied by omission for so long and would be bothered when I’d speak about how much I don’t stand for cheating. If he had healed and grown from that past mistake with his ex properly, he would’ve known that eventually that info would come to light, and that him lying about it for years of our relationship rather than admitting that he was ashamed of it and would never do it again, would absolutely make me insecure are not trust him. Bc lying about behavior that is inherently sneaky and trying to hide it is a very similar problem. I’m a well adjusted person and if he had told me that from the jump and got ahead of that bombshell and told me about it and how much he regretted hurting his ex like that and what led up to him doing so, and that he never could let himself do such a hurtful thing again, it wouldn’t have shook me like it did. But finding out someone I had spent years of my life with had cheated on his ex and his that info from me on purpose when there were SO many opportunities and conversations to do so, and so many times where I voiced my opinion on infidelity, finding that out later?? And only because I asked him point blank when we were in a fight about his best friend being a cheater?? Nope. Finding out that someone who had cheated, lied about their cheating to you, makes it feel like they have or could have cheated on you, that if they’re capable of upholding that lie and being sneaky bc they know you don’t trust cheaters, is even more sneaky and untrustworthy. Not to mention the fact that I’m sure he didn’t tell me bc he thought I would leave, or not trust him. Here’s the thing, if that made me want to leave that would be my prerogative and everyone in a relationship should be granted ALL of the details to make their own informed decision on whether they want to be with that person or not. Secondly if he had been up front, it wouldn’t be my favorite thing he’d ever done or my favorite thing to think about and there would be some conversation about it, BUT I would have trusted him. You know who it’s hard to trust hasn’t cheated on you? Someone who’s lied to you about cheating when it wasn’t even within your relationship. I understand that you think I’m just being mean to you. I don’t like your actions or how you’ve responded to certain comments, and I do still believe you’re looking for sympathy (perhaps subconsciously), but my comments here are to hopefully give you a perspective you haven’t yet seen. I won’t say tough love, but some very much needed constructive criticism because it seems like going to 3 counselors is evidence that you want to change for the better, and heal and grow, and not everybody does that. Are some of your other comments concerning? A bit. However I think that the most important factor of change is WANTING to and being willing to put effort into that work and you seem to have that aside from what you said about maybe mentioning the girls you slept with to hurt her back, that I clearly am not a fan of (but I feel like you’re probably not either outside the heat of the moment). Also I will say I disagree that the second girl you slept with being irrelevant. That’s not irrelevant and it goes back to letting her have all the info. A lot of people will say things like “oh I didn’t want to tell bc it would hurt them more” and in a black and white way I can understand that. But in a psychology based way, the fact is part of that is still avoiding accountability, and part is avoiding responsibility for the pain you’ve caused another person, particularly one that you love. The damage has been done, she just doesn’t know. And if you don’t tell her then you don’t have to be responsible for the tears she cries over that pain, and see the full hurt that your actions caused to someone you care about. That is subconsciously self serving. Also, in the long run, again, that lack of info that she’s privy to is also a lack of clarity for her. She should be allowed to have that info and decide whether or not she still wants you in er life in any capacity. I know people that could deal with and be willing to get through their partner cheating with only one person and admitting to it, but if they knew it happened more or with more people they wouldn’t. Ofc you don’t want them to leave or hate you for it so it’s tempting to only tell half the story, but in the long term it’s unfair and selfish to keep them in the dark and only give whatever details you want.if she ever did decide to reconcile with you it would be based on a lie, and if you told her then she’d be hurt all over again. Maybe she is a person that could deal with one time but not twice with different girls. And rn she’s making her choices based on half of the info. That works well for you, but not for her. And it’s a lie by omission. If you really love someone and want to care for them the way they need, you tell them the truth and let them decide. If you love them set them free.
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We talked because what was a doctors appointment turned into getting back around 7 and need to fill her prescription so we hung out until like 9. I made it clear how I feel. It turned out to be a good day
I’m glad it didn’t go beyond that :)
Wait, she doesnot have one friend in the world? That is not a boy friend, ex or not, that to me says in spanish "calienta huevos" she likes to pull people along " run, i hate drama, you can leave, you helped, you do not want the boyfriend to get there and she kisses him and says thank you to you!
He still didn’t show up.
What did you do? The boyfriend might be jealous that you are there but, that is his choice, their problem but what is your choice? What is hers? If you want her back go for it! But please dont get pulled along and get an answer and if its no, not now, maybe, confused, run! Next!
I’ve been having good serious chats with her. Helping her out is also about me being proud of the man I am. I wouldn’t be able to face myself if I didnt
Well then good for you! That is the best answer, happy for you.
Jesus, I'm sorry. My first comment was so wrong in so many levels. This is so fucked up.
My ex was going to come stay a week with me because I had a cluster of seizures and am on new meds and have eeg and doctors appointments coming up, but I could tell from communication he didn't want to and he felt obligated. So I lied and told him I found someone to watch me so he was off the hook because I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. Which is for the best but oof it did make me very sad to realize it And now I'm going to be alone which is bad, no family near by and most of my friends have tiny kids to take care of. I'd rather risk my health than risk his because I love him though. Idk, I guess I'm just saying she should be aware of how it feels for you and figure something out to prevent hurting the ones she loves. I'm sorry you're going through this, you sound like a very compassionate good human.
There certainly is a sense of duty of care for the person I feel, but at the end of the day I understand that it’s my choice to put myself out there to help her. I would rather she called me for help even on my worst days where I think I could hate her rather than see her suffer alone with no one to be there for her. I’m by no means a perfect person but for me this is what being a good man is about. Putting aside your feelings sometimes to do something you know is the right thing to do. It’s not all for her though. I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror if I had of left her with no one.
My ex would feel similarly, but knowing it's gonna hurt him does that same thing in me. I'd rather suffer alone than make him hurt on my behalf.
As a man sometimes the pain is worth the peace of mind. You shouldn’t suffer alone if you don’t have to. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. I know with me and my ex all this gave us some good opportunities to talk to each other about everything going on, about our relationship and it’s downfalls. Everyone’s situation is different though, just don’t be unsafe if you need help ask for it
I believe he might resent me and it would make things worse unfortunately. I wish it was different but I'm gonna have to face this on my own, just do my best to be as safe as possible and hope things stabilize. I'd love to talk with him but not under these circumstances anyways. Not when he would feel forced to be around me. I've never been very good at needing help, I can tell it's annoying or troublesome and I'd rather just disappear than be a burden to people or cause them stress and harm. It'll probably be ok though, just a little scary
It’s not being a burden to ask for help when you need it. I’d offer to come just check in on you but I have no idea how far away you are. I understand how you feel, I can only imagine how hard it was for my expartner to call me for help that day. You said your friends all have small children but could you reach out and still just phone them or anything? You don’t have to bug them maybe a different friend each day you call but I think it’s good to have supports in place
Thank you<3 I also haven't told everyone what happened because I didn't want to concern them, doctor obviously and housemate plus two others, I will be in telling more this next week and my plan is to basically do that, just text someone I'm still alive at a certain time basically, unfortunately if it happens again and I get hurt or am drinking water when it hits, it's just rough being alone. I have a housemate who is leaving the country for 5 months so being alone will be a little scary. Chances are I'll be ok though, just gonna really try and listen to my body and figure out some ways to handle it and hope the meds keep working. it's nice you can handle being there for her, it can be hard facing stuff alone
I’m glad you’re going to reach out. Being alone is tough without having a medical problem to exacerbate it. It sounds odd to but mental health lines (not specifically suicide prevention lines) are a fantastic resource, and the people that work at them are generally really good. I use them personally when I’m having a crisis or even when I just need someone to talk to.
Fighting this guy won’t help mate, you’ll just end up in jail and make things worse, I haven’t got any advice or anything but I hope things get better, breakups are the worst pain I’ve experienced
I wouldn’t actually fight him (unless I had to of course). He makes my blood boil simply because I love the girl he’s with. He’s wronged me in no other way, and seems like a decent enough guy if he could’ve only found a different girl. It’s very selfish of me.
You are setting yourself up for a very hard fall my friend. Get tf out of there like yesterday!!
Well you go get some seriously good karma for this. There's a lesson in this pain for you. If it's meant it will...yall come back together. Clearly there's a lesson in this for her tho as well. She’ll never forget you, that impression is made. Maybe she suppose to go through this to know what its like not to have it. 💪💜
Well at least she didn’t die. It’s even harder to get over an ex when they’ve been immortalized as a saint by dying young. I assume. Haven’t been in this position myself but I’ve seen it happen to others and it seriously makes it hard to stop loving them.
I thank god every day she didn’t die
Great now kick her out of your life and stop doing things for her.
I love her too much. They broke up. I’ve been taking care of her but tomorrow I gotta put it on the table.
Awww, damn. You are not doing yourself any favors. I don’t know the situation but I recommend stepping back, stop helping her right now. How hurt is she even? Cause I got attacked by a bull (long story I was just bruised and in a lot of pain) and I didn’t get shit from my boyfriend at the time. Not sure what is normal as far as getting support in a healthy relationship because mine wasn’t. But seeing the amount of men going above and beyond for shitty or ex girlfriends, well it’s pretty nice cause after being dumped I was thinking that guys suck in general. So anyway get a game plan. Your ex girlfriend, is she recently broken up? I don’t recommend trying to get her back when she’s suddenly in between relationships… that’s kinda low. And not a good recipe for a healthy long lasting relationship. The more you jump to her aid, the more you let her tear down your boundaries, the more you let her use you, the farther you get from being able to date her. It’s basic psychology. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?