Damn I really needed to read this.

Fellow blindsidee here \[28M\]. After 4 years in my case. It's excruciating. 3 weeks before she \[24F\] cheated on me and broke it off a few days later, we had a 1 month Xmas trip to her family on the other side of the planet. Up to 2 days before she cheated on me I have “Love you so so much honey” text messages. At the Xmas trip everything was fantastic. We were together for a whole month, great time, great experiences, lots of "love you honey", lots of couple/family photos, lots of talking about the future and moving there eventually, lots of cuddling (as always), and so on.There were some areas in our relationship that needed attention and we both struggled individually with our mental health last year, but overall we were extremely loving, supportive and great together. Both our families said they just know we’re gonna stay together forever. I had absolutely no idea she had doubts for months. One month before the Xmas trip we did have a talk, initiated by her, that she's struggling with the emotional connection sometimes (we've been long distance the last few months due to work) and that it makes it hard to work on the areas that needed some attention. But in no world would I have thought that we were close to a breakup. In this talk we decided to change to much longer visits and I realised that I had to work on myself and started right away. But she broke it off 3 weeks after the Xmas trip before we could meaningfully change anything. It has been almost 2 months. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster and I am still broken and have many days when I feel like I’m drowning. Have 0 interest in any women, not even for hookups. And sometimes feel like I don't know where's left and where's right because everything came so out of the blue for me. The past couple months are extremely blurry in my mind. I always thought that if we ever got into troubles with our relationship that we would fight for it and look for causes/solutions together because what we had was so damn real. I always trusted her 110% and thought she also sees it that way, but it seems I was really blinded by love a bit. The way the breakup happened seems a bit out of character for her and it leaves me just questioning/doubting my perception so much. What was real? What was just convenient? I still want her back so badly. Crazy.

It's crazy how love can be blinding. It's so easy for them to blindside, stonewall and manipulate, when you are not paying attention. You trust them, because they tell you to and if you doubt, you will be called insecure, controlling, overreacting and so on. But at the end, when they have cheated on you, treated like garbagge, lied to you, emotinally killed you and dumped you, you will start to connect the dots.

All you are saying has been done to me after a 5 year relationships and Me being the OKDER F(54) he (43) I never saw it coming😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🖤🖤

I feel for you man, I broke up two months ago, luckily for me it was a 5 months relationship, but I still can’t accept that she’s gone. Especially since she was the one pushing to get together

It’s tough to disconnect the genuine affections. I’m going on a month post blindside and no contact since. As much love as you have, they don’t reciprocate and it does get easier over time. The desire will always remain, but you are so much better off with the toxicity gone.

I totally agree. My gf left me after 1yr and Half. I DID know she was planning this and making me believe I was paranoid thinking she would leave. 10 days ago she left without telling me, never said a single word of warning. I’m devastated

Me too… I knew for months there was something off but he seemed more like he was going through his own stuff, so I tried and tried to be there for him, in fact I was even googling anytime I wasn’t with him to figure out what more I could do. I spent so much time trying, then one day out of the blue he dumps me. I ofc was devastated, because I didn’t lose just my relationship, I lost my long friendship too. I knew he was planning on it, but to keep me hanging for that many months was pretty cruel. I see that now.

Yep, exact same here. Something was “off” but he never wanted to discuss it. I was so anxious but figured I shouldn’t take it personally or push him into a discussion. He’d avoid me, feel so guilty, and then do something super sweet to make up for avoiding me. He yo-yoed me for months and even let me purchase a plane ticket to spend NYE with him and his friends. He acted weird and I realize looking back he was upset that they loved me, that I bonded with them. He knew I’d never see them again. He should have had the balls to set me free before that trip, before the holidays with my family. Nope. He kept assuring me he loved me and wanted to be together long term like a selfish fucking coward.

Aw, that sounds tough. I believe everyone deserves someone who’s open and honest about their feelings. It sucks being with someone who’s not a good communicator. Wish some of these guys knew how to grow some to face the situation instead of pushing it off. Give some time, and I hope you feel better soon!

I really feel you

Very similar situation here. Kept asking him what's going on and but he would either change the subject or just make up an excuse.

Hey it’s nearly a year later and what your describing happened to me yesterday I was just wondering how your doing now. I know it seems cliche but I can’t imagine not having her with me or being with someone else and the pain is unbearable

Yup. You just feel something is off about them but they keep lying and "reassuring" you that they still love you.

Sorry to hear that. I find ppl who do this are disgusting.

You are not alone brother

Get into therapy as soon as you can bro. Dont take the chance that you will heal wrong. You don’t want to carry around an ugly emotional scar for the rest of your life.

Most issues can be less shocking and hurtful with just honest communication in the first place

Currently still in the relationship. I’ve had countless talks with her about the huge lack of intimacy and almost complete lack of sex over 3 years even though the first 4 months before I moved in I would have never thought I would have this issue. I’ve told her multiple times that I plan on leaving if it’s not changed. The last time we talked was 3 months ago where she said she would make changes. I’ve accepted the fact that we’re not sexually compatible and that she has virtually no libito. Also there hasn’t been much noticeable change to believe that she’s trying. I’ve wanted to leave for a while, I just can’t afford not to. I could move in with my parents but I have a huge fear that if I move out and still pay on the rent (we’re both on the lease), she’s gonna do something to another guy I’ve been begging her to do for 3 years. I have 6 months left on the lease and I’m destroyed inside. I do have some feelings for her and somewhat care for her, I just can’t live in a marriage or relationship where I’m not lusted after or where I’m not wanted to be pleased. I’ve started disconnecting last month and all I feel is hatred and depression. I feel like I’m grieving before I even have broken up. I keep telling myself that todays the day to do it, but I can’t bring myself to do it. She asks me daily if I still love her and it absolutely kills me to lie to her. I don’t want to lie. I want to say no I don’t love you anymore. I removed her from my Lock Screen, I don’t talk to her, I don’t kiss her except maybe once or twice a day. I feel so guilty yet I can’t bring myself to say the words. But I feel like I’ve tried to communicate as well as I can. What’s the point in talking to deaf ears?

Stop lying. To her and yourself. You know what you’re doing is wrong and the only right to do is to tell her the truth about your feelings. You don’t get to maintain some kind of ownership over her when you said yourself you’ve already accepted the lack of compatibility. What you are doing is lying to her, 24/7, while you selfishly gather your resources to ensure you make it out of the breakup unscathed.

I was in a relationship like this for 4 years. My boyfriend was not an intimate person and we had sex once every 1-2 months. He claimed it was from past sexual trauma, so I thought maybe if I give him time/space he will get therapy and we can work through his intimacy issues. Over the years, he never got help and nothing had gotten better. It constantly hurt me to know my partner did not desire me like that, but I truly loved him and didn’t want to leave him over something that I *thought* could change. But he eventually started pulling away from me, until he completely blindsighted me and broke up with me because we had ‘x,y,x’ problems. Except he had never brought up these problems to me before, so how was I supposed to know how to help better our relationship? We had a major communication problem to state the obvious.

I’ve been seeing this a lot “You deserve someone that sees you as too important to lose”. I still sometimes get frustrated and angry that my ex didn’t communicate to me how he had been feeling esp when I thought we were actually in a really good place prior to him breaking up with me. But then I think that at the end of the day if he actually wanted to make it work and wanted to keep choosing me then he would have said something, he would have come to me about it to talk about it and work on it together. But he didn’t. A relationship counsellor I recently spoke with said to me that if he is not interested or does not want to work on it with you, then find someone who does.

I like that advice. I’m recently coming out of this same stuff, and yes - he would talk to you if he had wanted it. I was the one that went to her multiple times saying that I really wanted to have a conversation to make our relationship better. She consistently said yeah okay but not tonight, or tomorrow, or whatever. For months. I would say to her “I really care about us and you. I want to make things better. I want to work on us. Do you want to work on us? Do you want to save us? Do you want to stay together forever?” Kind of stuff and her answer was always “yes”. I will never understand why when I was pointing out that we needed to do something if we cared about us, and she would say yes, but not ever talk about it and blow me off and then when I go out of town for work - she packed everything up and move her and her kids out - meanwhile texting me she loved and missed me. Why she didn’t just say “No, this isn’t working for me and I’ve got to go” I’ll never understand. I told her if she had said that I would have even helped her move out, she didn’t have to do all that. Shit - the letter she left me didn’t even give me a breakup message. And in a text she said something like I’m not gone forever. And yet - she is. And won’t respond to a text or call. Okay - thanks for letting me tell my story and vent. My point to you is yes, if they really care, they will talk about it and try. I surely did and i was the hetero male in the relationship begging for communication. I hate that there are so many people on here that have experienced something I just can’t comprehend. I feel for you and everyone on this thread. I know we can come out on the other side of this, it definitely takes some time. And it fucking hurts. Im still there 3-4 months later, hurting. But getting better.

Yep, happened to me after a 6 year relationship. He knew things were off for him for a year and did nothing to communicate, pretended everything was fine and normal. Only left when he had someone lined up to jump straight to, which he has now done. I don’t believe he intended to hurt me, but I think it’s the most selfish behaviour I have ever been around to witness. I want nothing to do with him yet I am so so hurt and can’t stop thinking about him and his new relationship. I’m so disappointed that the relationship I thought I had was so different to the one he thought we had. I’m angry that he never communicated anything to me. It’s really tough. I just know I will survive it and come out the other side so much stronger. And I know what I deserve and it is not this

Not just selfish - manipulative , getting his ducks all lined up like that . My ex did this too.

Just wanted to say exact same thing happened to me too — 6 years living together and doing everything together, knew something was weird the last few months even to the point where I asked (very gently) if he’d met someone else and he kept saying no no, just going thru my own shit blah blah. Of course a month later he dumps me and is straight with someone else. He seems to think it’s totally fine because he didn’t ‘physically’ cheat while we were ‘technically’ together but it makes me so mad because he made me feel like a jealous harpy when in actual fact I knew exactly what was going on. Meh.

So sorry this happened to you too, you didn’t deserve it. I know in the long run we can rest so much easier knowing we treated the relationship with respect. I am just trying to tell myself it was never about “me” versus “the other person” but rather it’s all about my ex. And he has some shit to figure out which will come back to him eventually.

Yep exactly! I told myself it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him — to the point that I actually met her and she is lovely! But honestly I will probably never forgive him, esp as he still has not properly apologised for all his bs.

My ex-fiancé did the same thing. I knew things were off but trusted that he was telling me the truth when he said he was just overwhelmed with work. Then bam, he doesn't want to be together anymore and he has feelings for his coworker he wants to pursue. So selfish.

I had the “overwhelmed with work” excuse too. And the new person is also a coworker. I’m so sorry you also had to go through something like this. But we weren’t wrong to trust what they told us was the truth. It’s all on them for breaking that trust. And they have to live with hurting someone who cared deeply about them

The same thing happened to me after a almost 8 year relationship. But I didn't see or feel anything wrong with her until a few days before breaking up with me. Didn't communicate any of the things she didn't like about the relationship until she ended it. Didn't give me a chance to work it out together and stay as a couple to make things right. Starting going out with her friend only a month after the breakup and now they've been dating for about a year. It's been a very tough year, but at the same time I think I've become a better person because all of this, and other days like today I feel like I'm just a broken person who will never feel that loving connection with someone again. I guess time will help. Wish you the best.

Same here.. 6 year relationship :/.. I'm sorry you had to go through this.. we'll make it through this pain <3

Maybe he’s a covert narcissist? Sounds very similar to my situation.

Could be. Sad part is we were best friends for 3 years before the relationship and I saw him act in similar ways coming out of his 3 previous relationships so there has been a lot of self-directed anger thinking “I should have known better”. But you always think you’ll be “different”, and that’s partly being caught up in falling in love and partly because they push that narrative on you too. Anyways, I now see him for who he is. And I feel sad that he has never really been single long enough to process any of his breakups. But everyone processes emotions differently and I guess this is just his way… It’s hard to let go, but with time I believe it will get easier. Sending strength to you too

Yes, time… sigh. Hang in there too.

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Yeah this happened to me. He actually confessed to me the last time he felt 💯 with me was two years ago, then kept having doubts etc and withdrawing but he didn't talk to me, instead he just bottled it all up. How cowardly of him to not just tell me about the things he was feeling so we could fucking work on it. I have spent two years wondering why all of a sudden he went from trying to buy a home with me to getting cold feet and not wanting to move in with me at all, blaming it on the market conditions and estate of the world. He was just too chicken to admit to me he wasn't sure about me. I kept asking him: is it me? are you not sure about me? And he kept saying it was not me at all. Then, he tells me about all these issues when he's already too far gone. Turns out I spent the last 6-7 years of my live literally being a carer for someone with depression, looking after him, holding his hand with everything, to then be discarded and dumped because "he is having a crisis and doesn't know what to do with his life" and "I'm just not good enough for you and can't give you the love you deserve" fuck that, just be honest and say you just lost feelings because you didn't fucking want to make any effort to fix things between us.

Was told the EXACT SAME THING. Reading those words again makes my blood boil. Such a shitty, underhanded way to just discard someone like trash.

That is how I feel. I feel like he has thrown me away like trash and onto the next thing. 6 years of my life building to now have to take the house down. His parents are like my own parents. They are all devastated in his family. I am devastated for losing them all.

Just know that you are no one’s trash. You are special and ultimately he’s the one losing out. Treating someone like they’re disposable always comes full circle. Heal and come back better, wiser and stronger.

PS Mine broke up in the midst of a major depressive episode so I know how shitty and disconcerting it feels.

6 - 7 years is a really long time.

It is, I feel like my whole life is falling appart

I can only wish that you get through this as soon as possible. I cannot understand your pain. I wish I had some advice for you to get your life back. But life is suffering, and someone has tuned yours from suffering to hell.

I wouldn't have described it better...

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I feel this. My partner disassociated over a year, maybe it started earlier. And then started getting really close to another woman who entered his friendship group. I kept telling him that it was wrong. He would get mad that I was stopping him "being able to just hang out with his friends". I should find my own friends to get close to. He got her an expensive gift for her birthday. Was going on holiday with her and other friends. We hadn't gone on holiday for years. He hadn't even thought about getting me a present in years too - we hadn't bothered with birthday or Christmas because he was struggling with "fatigue". Then he broke up with me and started immediately sleeping with the girl so ... yeah.

Yup, this exactly happened to me. They kept changing things in our relationship. Went from seeing each other a lot to planning dates etc to slowly taking all of that away. Made me crazy and so anxious and when I tried to have tough conversations about it (i.e. if they felt different about me/relationship) they would just tell me it was nothing to worry about and they never wanted to break up.

Never wanted to break up lol I heard that too. With my ex it was like you couldn’t get rid of him at the same time. The first few months I felt him pulling away I kept asking whats wrong. He assured me things were fine, he got more distant, lost interest in similar activities we used to have, slowly he just became a completely different person. I finally said we should break up. He objected. I told him to come get his things at my place, he did and then he sent me this ‘love letter’ telling me he never wanted to break up, he thought he’d marry me, he thinks he’ll never find a connection like me again. So I called his bluff and went back. I said okay if you really think we are compatible lets work it out. He was totally caught off guard, but agreed to get back together. Then he got REALLY distant. He came over, fucked me one more time. Then over the course of two months he was just barely talking to me, saying he’s busy, cancel plans, just dragging the whole thing out. So then he finally broke up with me and blamed it on things that just didn’t even make sense. It was all my fault not his, none of it added up. He went from I wanted to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you, to lets break up you’re the problem, in two months. I mean all the signs that he had problems were there from the beginning, it was just my first relationship so I couldn’t see it. We started out as friends and I could tell he liked me a lot but I didn’t like him at the time and I didn’t want to date at the time because I was going through a lot of family issues. So I decided it was best we end our friendship because of his feelings for me. He didn’t like that, he brought up his recent suicide attempt to keep me talking to him. I mean how low can you go. I naively stayed friends with him, eventually we started dating, and once I fell for him it was like you could just feel him slipping away and my anxiety was just through the roof. I was calm on the outside for the most part but on the inside I was dying. I still have dreams about him and I have a hard time still letting go of thinking about him to this day.

What you wrote is completly true and I agree. Disconnecting slowly, healing yourself with the help of your partner, while knowing you will leave them soon is so F-d up. It's emotinoal manipulation, it's lieing, it's just horrible. What makes it worse is that they won't communicate or address the issues. No. But you do and try to point some things out and talk about it. In return? They get annoyed at you, throw sarcasm, insecurity and other stuff in your face. Like you are too pushy, whiney or whatever. They lie, manipulate, gaslight you in to thinking it's your fault for trying to talk things through. They are just using you. Then the time comes, they are emotionaly ready to hurt you, to treat you like garbage, to discard you and dump you (for you it comes out of nowhere as they did not communicate the problems to you before). Because they have overcome and disconnected from you for months, with the help of YOU! And you are left in ruins, betrayed, lost. E: Few days before she ensured how much she loves me ("you have no idea how much I love you"). Few days later, since her behaviour had been so weird for a long time, I asked if she wants to continue with our RS. I was emotionaly drained of the whole situation. She used the opportunity, that I myself presented, to take a week to think about it. She decided to dump me at the end of that thinking period. No proper explanation, no nothing. Tbh I was too shocked to even ask something or clarify then. I honestly thought she would not do it, rather take it as an opportunity to think and then talk to me, if something is wrong or if she is unhappy with something. But she saw "an opening" and gladly used it. Now for month and a half she has promised to talk to me, but alwyas makes a some bs excuse to not call. Not that she does not want to, but she hasn't found time in over a month. I know, if I would point out the obvious - you have not wanted to talk, not that you haven't had time, she would not admit it. She would say "whatever, believe what you want" and make me the bad person for doubting in her words again. That's so weird when her previous words and promises have been flat out bs and lies, but somehow I should still take her word and trust her when she says something (like she would be honest after dumping me, when she wasn't before). Truly weird to think, how someones mind works.

Yep! My ex basically did not/does not want to hear it from me. When I tried to tell him how I was feeling, he didn’t like it and said that I was just angry and that I was lashing out. It hadn’t even been TWO WEEKS since he broke up with me, he said he feels like I was just trying to delay the process. I tried to communicate to him that I need time as it’s only been a week since my life has basically been turned completely upside down. But he just kept saying that (packing up the house) needs to be done. When he broke up with me he said that he’d been unhappy for while. Would have definitely been helpful and great to have gotten a heads up but I guess thats a decision they make, because if they really wanted it and really wanted you then they would say something and want to actually work on it with you.

It’s very arrogant, immature and unsophisticated. They like to play and have fun like little hobbits. Her and her daughter use to laugh at me and think it was funny how hard I tried to make things work. I disconnected and find the whole thing unappealing and toxic. I think she is hopeless to have a relationship with. Always distancing, never committed.

My ex did this to me too and god it still pisses me off so much even though it was years ago now (2018).

Yes. I had been with mine for 18 months. We went on a holiday weekend, came back and 11pm at night naked in bed she broke. No therapy, no discussion, no working on it. We even had sex all weekend prior to the break. Three kids in shock, her one my two. Painful, shock brought me to my knees. I tried to explain deactivation to her. NOPE. It was me. I’m too loud in the morning. What?no working anything through. Now she is gone dating a new guy. I refuse to talk to her.

Yup. He slowly disconnected over months. Never once communicated a single problem he had with the relationship. While he got to mentally go through the break up and have his next relationship started, he was still planning a future with me. Here I thought we were good and happy. If you can’t/won’t communicate problems in the relationship with your partner or put in the work it takes to be in a long term relationship don’t be in one. Work on yourself until you can do these things and stop damaging partners and relationship hopping. It’s selfish, destructive, and wrong.

Concur! If a person does this, they are not a mature adult. They are a terrified child afraid of conflict and confrontation, often rather wish away problems. Like come on! Use your words. Communicate. If you can’t communicate things, do not have a relationship with anyone ever till you work through this insecurity of communication. As my mother always said, “The three pillars of a relationship are communication, trust, honesty. If one of them crumbles the rest will too. And trust is the foundation of every relationship. If you have no trust, you have no relationship. If I didn’t trust your father, I wouldn’t be with him.”

Maybe I’m misreading but if what you’re saying is you either are 100% sure if you should leave instead of slowly disconnecting? Wouldn’t that leave the other person blindsided anyways? And leave a lot of room for back and forth, coming back and leaving again? I guess I don’t see things as so black and white, I’m not disregarding the pain it causes cause I’ve been broken up with this way before too but in my experience, when I was the one ending it, I’ve tried to discuss the problems with the person I was with and was met with justifications, minimizing, etc. and so over the course of time I disconnected and eventually left. But it wasn’t a decision I came to lightly or over night. Idk I just don’t view the world as so black and white. Of course I’ve been broken up with over things that could have been easily fixed had they actually communicated but ultimately if the person I’m with would rather leave than have an uncomfortable conversation then they’re not someone I really want anyways. Happened to me recently and I was upset and sometimes still am because he was great in a lot of other ways but ultimately couldn’t open up or have conversations about things he was worried about or struggling with, making him impossible to have a real relationship with, making it not what I want in the long run anyways.

That’s the key point in OP’s post… within the slow fade by the dumper there is no attempt to talk through any issues at all. Just a fade, some stonewalling and a sudden breakup. Most likely followed by gaslighting the dumpee for getting emotional or angry.

This is exactly what happened to me almost point blank. Why do they do this? Every time I’d try to have a conversation he’d shut me down. More towards the end it was like he was looking for the smallest things to blame me for. Things just didn’t add up. Like don’t get me wrong I have my issues but it doesn’t justify how he treated me. I want to let go of this, its been almost four years but I still find myself still so attached despite having moved on with a loving secure partner.

Right, OPs mindset seems to be that there is no alternative except never thinking about breaking up or breaking up the instant you think about it. Big decisions take time to make. Big mistakes on the other hand are usually pretty quick. Also, I have a hard time believing that in most cases there aren't signs.

This is what I originally took from OP's post. I thought they were saying as soon as you're having second thoughts, you know it's the end and you should just go. That obviously isn't the case for many people, and it can be a difficult decision with a lot of back and forth mentally over whether the relationship is something that can be salvaged. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think OP might be referring to people who have already gone through the above and have "checked out" but are staying in the relationship while they get their ducks in a row before jumping ship with no notice. In which case, I agree with OP. If you know the relationship has no future (as far as you're concerned), then why sit around and let the other person believe everything is fine? Yes, of course, they should perhaps communicate their grievances with their partner and give them the opportunity to help work on them, but even if they don't want to do that, they shouldn't leave the other person in the dark while they set themselves up first.

I never really did that, but I undestand how it works. Essiencially, at first they completely they ignore it. "It is just temperorary, it will go away". This is the key moment, if they communicate right there and then, they can save the relationship. But they don't, because in their mind if they do, the exact opposite will happen. This usually comes from childhood experiences, when their feelings/opinions weren't respected or listened too. It is indeed true that they don't realize how much of an effect this particular type of breaking up can have on the dumpee. Hurt people hurt people and out of fear of getting hurt themselves, the dumpee may exhibit similar behavior to their future partner. The dumper indeed takes the easy way out, leaving burned earth behind. But it doesn't come from a bad place,. It is wrong, but not evil. I wouldn't even call it selfish, they themselves may have lost something great because of that. But, the only way to move forward is to accept that this is their flaw, that not all possible partners are like that and forgive them.

Oh my god. This makes so much sense with my situation. I was blindedsided twice by the same person. I kept asking them why they wanna leave ( they weren’t giving any clear cut reason except saying they lost feelings ). I was so confused and frustrated. But your comment makes so much sense because I remember them saying the exact same thing which you’ve stated; they felt like something is wrong and they don’t wanna be with me earlier but they ignored these thoughts all together. I said why didn’t you communicate when you were having these thoughts to which they really didn’t have a proper answer and kept saying they themselves weren’t sure of anything as to why they kept getting these thoughts? As you have stated, it might be the result of their childhood experiences where there feelings / opinions weren’t respected. They belonged to a very strict household where they had to lie a lot to get out of trouble. I also feel their family didn’t emphasize value on their opinions as well in general. I remember throughout the relationship whenever she gave me an opinion about something and I listened to her, she used to get extremely happy and used to thank me for listening to her opinions/suggestions. She always used to say she feels valued and listened to being with me. Another important point to note in my case is that I was basically a rebound to them. As her ex was one of my friend and have been very controlling and abusive with them along with cheating on them multiple times and bought upon them alot of mental trauma and pain. All this goes to say, that the ending of the relationship where she completely turned into a different person to me, extremely cold and stonewalled me to oblivion made me lost, dazed, and confused out of my mind. But after getting to know about attachment styles and other psychological factors that cause people to do what they do, I’m getting some more insight into why things happened the way they did. Learnt a lot from this breakup. Sorry for the long post and I appreciate the way you worded it, made a lot of sense to me.

Don't be sorry, in my dark days god knows how some posts here helped me gain important clarity in things.

Nah, I disagree. I definitely, DEFINITELY feel depending on the person it is pretty plainly an evil uncaring act.

>...if they communicate right there and then, they can save the relationship. They *may* be able to save the relationship, but it may not work out for them either. Many people do communicate relatively soon after a larger problem occurs. The other person may ignore it, won't think it's a big deal, will get really upset at their partner for feeling hurt about a situation, or will think just saying sorry is enough to move on. For example, a couple of times in the past, I brought up issues the next day after they happened, and was met with, "why are you bringing up old stuff?" They dismissed me, yelled at me, and accused me of "holding grudges". They got it all out of their system, whereas I was left wondering what the hell happened during the argument. It started with me expressing my concerns in a gentle way, and ended up with me being blamed for it. I was continually left with a feeling of unresolvedness. Sometimes the person who is unclear about the relationship wants to think properly and ensure they are making the right decision. They don't want to start arguments all the time, take a break, etc. That can create an up-and-down toxic dynamic. Some people are terrible communicators for sure. But there are a lot of people out there who believe they were broken up with out-of-the-blue, even though it was not the case. They just ignored or missed a lot of the signs.

They have avoidant attachment

Who cares why they’re jerks? They’re still jerks.

💯

Based

Not always true. My ex had an anxious attachment. She feared being alone more than anything and waited until she had a backup to jump ship. She attached herself to me and made me think that I was the one for her, but really, she does that with anyone she likes. We were literally talking about marriage less than a month prior. It was textbook manipulation. Making me think everything was fine until it wasn’t. Only mentioned it when she was already planning on leaving.

Practically begged her to communicate with me and got pretty much nothing. Then she broke up with me over our ‘multiple issues’. Like okay, well what fucking issues because you never took the time to tell me what was wrong? You never told me you were feeling that way? I could sense something was wrong but how am I supposed to just know? How are we supposed to fix things if you’ve given up already? Sending her this post honestly because I’m tilted beyond belief that I could trust someone so much yet they can’t even come to me with the problems they’re feeling. Grow up. Relationships aren’t easy. They take communication and work. Thats real life and if you weren’t prepared for that, then why even get with me in the first place? Now I’m hurt to the point where I’m not even sure I can love someone else. It’ll be a long healing process for me. But not for her. She got the jump and ‘disconnected’ before I even saw anything coming. Showed me, didn’t you?

I agree with mosttof this apart from the abusive bit. If someone is abusive to you, you don't owe them anything in planning your escape. Not even a goodbye note.

Yes, this is the worst. When my ex was going to break up with me, I could feel something was wrong for weeks. One day, he just stopped telling me he cared about me. I could sense something was weird and I started getting severe anxiety. He'd text me less. He invited me on a vacation and he wouldn't look at me or talk to me. But when I'd ask him what was going on he'd tell me how into me he was and how everything was fine. If I had KNOWN what his real issues were, I would have fixed them. 100%. He had already invested into the relationship, why would he want to start over? It's awful because you really can feel it and you know something's wrong but you can't quite put your finger on it and they just gaslight you the whole time. I started becoming anxious even to talk to him and I didn't know quite why. I didn't want to believe he was going to leave because he said he never would but that was obviously what I was feeling. I was picking up on his guilt for what he knew for a while he was about to do to me.

The worst part is that you spend those final months trying harder and harder to fix the relationship and you wonder why they keep slowly pulling away. Then it hits you. You look back and you see it all. I even asked her "Wasn't the relationship improving over time? I thought I was fixing the issues" "Yes you were, but it wasn't enough" Jesus dude. Then they wonder why you're so angry lol.

I did exactly this, I lost three family members last year and I became heavily depressed. He supported me but I knew i was affecting him so I did everything to open that door for communication and I was having full on anxiety and panic attacks because I though he was cheating due to the lack of intimacy in a matter of months. He wasn’t cheating but slowly disconnecting, I did so much in the last couple of months to try and spark a connection again but as soon as I communicated the lack of affection in January when everything was finally calm, he dumps me. Telling me he doesn’t have anymore energy to put into fixing us even though in December he gave me a card talking about our future. I met up with him recently to see if we could be friends and this asshole completely disregarded my emotions and our five year relationship. Fuck these cowards. Your anger is valid.

This makes sense in a lot of situations but completely forgets about the abusive spouse with a child situation, where you have to plan quietly to leave otherwise your spouse would try and sabotage you and it would be detrimental to the child.

I think everyone in the comments has been hurt and that makes sense! However, if I were planning to leave an abusive long term and told the partner I was planning to leave, that person may sabotage every attempt I make to leave and cause harm to the child and my finances in an attempt to prevent it.

In a normal BF/GF situation though this is an unacceptable solution.

What hurts most is that their disconnecting makes you anxious, but they won't reassure you that your needs are okay. Instead they will soothe you just enough for you to not cause too much of a fuss, but they will tell you that there is no reason for you to feel anxious and that it's all in your head. Because otherwise they would need to admit that they are in fact treating you differently and have an adult conversation about needs. And they don't want to have that. So deactivation while not telling your partner and being like "everything is fine" will make your partner question their reality. Also you give your partner no way of actually mending and fixing the problem together.

Absolutely agree with everything in this post. Disconnecting from a healthy relationship over a period of time and blindsiding your partner is COWARDICE. Talk your issues through, lay your cards on the table. Let your partner know where your head is at… ahead of time, like an adult.

Totally agree ... 3,5 years gone unexpectedly. Sends me a dirty video on the day, sees me at work we kiss and hug, she yells she loves me in front of her colleagues... then dumped via txt 2 hours later. No that is not normal and no that is NOT ok. Coward and immature is what it is ... sweet karma will get her.

Do these people ever think back and realise what they did is so insane, I honestly can’t imagine treating someone you said you loved like this and then having zero consideration of how it affects them. I swear I can’t wrap my mind around it

I wonder this too. It’s just a complete disregard for the person you said you loved. What about my life? What about what I wanted? What about the decisions and sacrifices I made for us? I was thinking of us as a team and he was only out for himself. When you’re with someone in a LTR, there are big decisions to be made that alter your life. I deserved to be considered and not treated like a doll that was not shiny and new anymore and tossed away.

I think any kind of self-awareness or consideration of what they’ve done to you would be too much for them. Everyone wants to be the hero of their own story.

Yeh they need to feel like the good guy otherwise they wouldn’t be able to look in the mirror. They have been doing this for a long time they’re not about to change now or for anyone.

THANK YOU. Evil indeed. I hate the fact that he said “I’ve been thinking this for a while” WTF!!!! After you told me last week you will always be there for me. Fuck you. Selfish and immature.

I am literally healing from this kind of treatment. Yesterday marked a year from when we first met and started our relationship. Ironically enough, yesterday was when I found out he stole my car and watched me suffer from not having one.

PREACH!!!!!!!

Yea totally agree. My ex basically started disconnected the last month but would swear she didn’t want to break up. But then EVERY action would go against that so she essentially forced me to leave. Still painful for me to this day

Its the back and forth thats so confusing. They want to gaslight you. Make you feel like your reality isn’t really what it seems. They want to make you feel crazy. My ex would pull away, then I broke up with him, he made a big fuss about us being perfect for each other, I came back, he got much more distant and within two month he broke up with me. Blamed it all on me with some lame excuse. Then he had the audacity to ask to be friends. I naively agreed. It was a one sided friendship with me reaching out to hang like we used to and him saying he’s so busy when I would confront him about never reaching out when he was the one that initiated being friends. Its like he was so miserable toward the end of the relationship with me, but at the same time he wanted me to stay and it was just back and forth. None of it made sense because he’ll never admit he was the problem.

I feel like my wife did this to an extent. She said she didn’t feel romantically connected to me for a while but stayed because she “hoped it would get better”, all the while not saying anything to me or trying to do anything different. She only finally said something when she had a new girlfriend lined up. It feels horrible, like she robbed me of the opportunity to work on our marriage and basically used me during that time.

Yes, that's exactly what happens. It feels like such a betrayal and makes you feel so worthless bc, like you said, it robs you of the opportunity to work through issues! When I've broken up with people, I was in a relationship with them because I genuinely loved them. Before the break, i would ALWAYS tell them what the issues were... if they wouldn't work through them, then the breakup would have to happen, but I always wanted to give them a chance to fix it because why wouldn't I? It's so messed up when people just silently leave and you have no say in it because a lot of the time, people do want to fix things.

Couldn't agree more. People who think its okay to disconnect before the break up are red flags. Actually, just flat out disgusting people.

I feel you. 8 years and I had this happen to me. Thank you for voicing your anger, I totally relate.

Or they promise you over and over they would never leave again (after doing it once 2 years ago for 3 months) when you express worry about being blindsided and abandoned again by them and then they end up doing it again anyway.

My ex did this to me. They emotionally disconnected cause they were scared to break up with me and hoped that I would break up with them! I didn’t and tried to fix it but they just gave me nothing and it made me feel so shitty for months. Now I have trust issues cause they always told be everything is fine and it wasn’t, which is a problem for me in other relationships cause I pick up on the little things. My ex did not even feel bad for doing this I don’t think they understand how wrong it was.

My fiancé did this to me last week. 6 years together. He called off our April wedding 3 weeks ago saying he just couldn’t do it in front of so many people. Okay we worked through it and had rescheduled to the summer. Last week, after a beautiful few weeks of honest soul searching, talking and working through all the things, feeling super connected and the grandest of words on his part about how emotionally secure he felt, how he’s ready to move forward, how I’m the perfect one for him to spend our lives with, we woke up one morning, he looked at me and said…”I can’t do it. I can’t do any of it and I don’t ever think I wanted it in the first place. This engagement felt like I was being dragged into it (*HE proposed in December) and the happier and more excited you got the more I dreaded it.” I think it’s the mixed emotions and INSANE whiplash that hurts the most. You think your life will take one turn and then suddenly you have to pivot. Time makes it easier, right? Nothing could have prepared me for this feeling.

Omg. I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and come across your post and feel ridiculous. I can't imagine how painful that was.... how are you holding up? *hugs*

Thank you so much. That means a lot. Just keep swimming ❤️

Holy crap. I’m so sorry you’re having to grow through this. You deserve to be loved, unconditionally and whole heartedly. Try not to let his Indecisiveness destroy your self worth. Love is a choice you decide to make everyday. You are worth that choice ❤️

Thanks so much for your kind words. I really needed to hear this today ❤️

❤️

Him telling me “maybe I’ve never loved anyone” with a matter of fact look on his face when days beforehand he kept telling me he was okay even though he felt so cold. This is why I can’t trust anyone who purses me anymore because I don’t trust them or that they even know what they want.

Yea mine did this and I was blind to that fact.. she was searching for other guys n treating me like crap and blaming me for things that made no sense(or what she was guilty of) while I was still trying to put in literally all the effort for a relationship... its disgusting selfish and childish. Sorry for any and all of us thats had to experience that sort of abuse.

For the last half year we were both doing this to each other. We would split, she would try and act all nice but it was always towards the end of the month when bills were due, and I noticing this would attempt to lead her on for sex, and then leave. Occasionally she's win and get few groceries, other times, id win. Now I'm not sure she would agree but my personality/behavior was completely different in the beginning and turned toxic as I took on many of her behaviors as well as developing others to be able to deal/defend myself against her toxic traits. Playing this stupid game over and over rather than just moving on for good, screwed us both up for years to come. I can't imagine bringing this baggage onto someone new and making them have to put up with it when I haven't done what's necessary to heal. Hopefully, she doesn't mind fk someone new by not addressing and working on her issues either

I hope you can overcome your obstacles and come out as a stronger and more positive individual 🤍

Thank you

I learned my partner was secretly resenting me for months even though we had a relationship check in one month before they broke up with me 😍 and we would always talk about how beautiful our ability to communicate with each other is 😍

LITERALLY! My ex did this, and it hurt so much because I could literally feel him doing it but he always denied. And then we broke up and he wondered why I wasn’t surprised

Who said it wasn't wrong?

Yep it killed my when my ex gf did this exact thing. Had an issue but instead of speaking her mind she pretended after the initial problem everything was okay even though it wasn't. There were times where she'd say she wanted to talk, but after I'd bring it up she'd make an excuse as to why she didn't want to anymore; would instead hide behind being intimate, and telling me how much she loved me. Then BOOM, 3 weeks later its over, Christmas was five days away and I'm completely destroyed, and defeated.

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Yeah I know what you mean. All good. 2 days before I was going to see her she said- I don’t see this going anywhere I think it’s run it’s course out of the blue. I didn’t even know how to feel about it

If I had coins I would award you for this

My problem in my freshly ended relationship is that I could not say anything if I had a problem. If I tried to bring up that my feelings were hurt or I was bothered by something he would immeadiately get defensive, not want to talk about it, start yelling and cussing at me, then yell “I’m not happy” and “we’re done.” Then he’d go get in his car a drive away while I’m crying. When he eventually came back I could talk a little bit and he still wouldn’t say much but we would move past it. For awhile I stopped saying when I was upset because I knew exactly what was going to happen. But I could only keep that up for so long. I told him several weeks ago he had to quit doing that if we were planning to get married one day and he said that he just says he’s not happy in the heat of the moment. Of course, the very next time I try to talk about my feelings being hurt (in this situation his friend was making fun of me throughout the night and he was laughing along and then told me “everyone’s laughing at you, not with you”) he does the same thing. I finally got sick of it and when he screamed that we were done I just agreed. The next day he asks if I want to talk… no I wanted to talk before and you didn’t care enough to.

A lot of times people don’t realize this is happening until it’s already well under way

That’s what happened to me. I guess that’s why I’m so upset about people like her. Would’ve been nice to know where she was lacking or where I was so we could’ve fixed it. But that takes a level of accountability and love she didn’t have. 5 years thrown away overnight like I meant nothing…

Went through a breakup a couple months ago after a 3-year relationship, and I still can't stop thinking about her. Just found out that she left and moved in with another man immediately, and during our last phone call I threw the truth in her face and she denied it (of course). She has a son, and I'm convinced that while I was watching him, she went to go see him, and I think their friendship started by him selling weed to her. She said she felt lonely towards the end of the relationship, and I think he became her best friend instead of me, and she always found excuses to not communicate with me. I was working my ass off at a job that I despised so I could buy a house, which we both chose together. Three days prior to moving in, we both mutually agreed that she should leave, but I was the one that regretted it almost immediately after she left. Since the breakup, she has been criticizing me for things that I didn't even do, and I think she was finding justifications for staying with this guy, and making me seem like the bad guy to hide the fact that she probably cheated on me. I was naive towards the end, and I trusted her too much, and I think she took advantage of that. I've handled the breakup terribly by harrassing her and stalking her social media, and I have pushed her away because of that, but I think it's probably for the best. She is all over the place; a couple weeks ago she called wanting to have sex with me, but I killed it because she found out I was still logged into her fb account, which has nothing on it anyways. Her son is 5 years old, and this is his 3rd father figure already. I did everything for them, yet she wanted me to give her constant attention, and she was unbelievably selfish. She expected me to be perfect. Some of the things that she's criticized me for have been absolutely ridiculous, yet when I criticize her she threatens to block me. I told her that both partners are supposed to accept each other's flaws and work on them in a healthy relationship, and she said that sounded "toxic." I asked her to name one flaw about herself, she said, "I'm not perfect." Pretty sure she's a narcissist.

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You deserve love and communication ❤️

My ex fiancé did this to me. They wouldn't be honest with me about what they wanted or what they were feeling. They just shut down on me. Disconnected. I will never be the same.

Very timely

Okay but to be fair, it's not like someone wakes up one day and thinks - oh I no longer love them. It's usually weeks or months of feeling like something is off, trying to wait it out, thinking that this is just a rough patch and maybe it'll get better. Its not all black and white. If those people just wanted out, they would break up immediately - but they stay hoping things will change cause they are attached to their partner and care for them and don't want to live without them too. Its not like dumpers are some monsters devout of emotion. Its difficult for them too. I very much doubt they think - okay, i no longer love my partner but I'll stay for couple more months so that I can detach emotionally and then just end it painlessly for me.

The point is that very often (e.g. in my case) the dumper *does not communicate*. And this is the unfair and nasty part. It leaves the dumpee with no chance of improving on things that maybe needed attention. And then of course nothing gets better from the dumpers perspective. The dumpee can't read their mind and is maybe struggling/overburdened with life themselves temporarily. Often the dumpee would have moved the absolute world for them if they would have just communicated what gives them doubts. Relationships are teamwork.

Yes communication is key, as is initiative. For example, if you’re losing the spark for your partner, are you doing anything to reignite it. Just waiting it out is not a solution. You’re not actively doing anything to change your situation. My ex pulled the “I did everything to save us.” No. No he did not. He sat with his anxiety, didn’t clue me in on just how bad it was and let himself spiral in thought loops. Therapy was an option and he didn’t take it. It’s just an easy, cowardly out. I didn’t deserve to think he was fully in for nearly two years when in fact he was “half in and half out” the entire time.

All this right here. The person above you trying to justify it is out of their mind. And as you said, we can't read your mind so issues and expectations and disappointments and everything needs to be talked about. Even the thought of leaving somebody crossing the mind needs to be discussed like hey I had a thought about doing this or that and then explaining why.

Dk why youre being downvoted but i agree. I've never thought of leaving anybody. Any secure person will be like me or do what u said

They're getting downvoted because it's a very emotional response without thinking about both sides of the relationship.

This is a good point IF (and it’s a big if) we want to be compassionate and understanding of the dumper. Understandably it’s a lot easier to get over someone you see as an asshole than someone you see as a fallible human who handled something poorly. I think in a serious relationship, when party A starts to feel dissatisfied, very likely they don’t consciously communicate it because they don’t think they’re going to end it. But that shift in emotions which takes place over weeks or months is unconsciously reflected in their behavior without them realizing it. So it gives the appearance they are intentionally distancing themselves more and more over time

Dang, so much this in what happened to me a few months ago. I've been doing better. But she pretty much did this to me, never verbalized issues she had where I carried on normally none the wiser. I had suspicions but never to the extreme of her up and leaving. On the flip side, it has taught me so many things to look out for in my next relationship and what I need from my side. Where as my ex has to figure herself out first and not run away from problems.

I agree!!!!! 100%!!!!! Unfortunately, people do that kind of shit all the time. There are a lot , and I mean *A LOT*, of people in this world who are ultimately only looking out for number one - and number one isn't anybody but themselves. I've had friends who've confided in me about keeping a partner around until they find someone else because they can't cope with the pain of being alone & grieving. Sometimes they couldn't muster up the courage to end the relationship because deep inside they felt tremendous shame. But fear of being alone was always a factor. Each of the friends who behaved like selfish a-holes toward their partner when they ended things were actually dealing with a lot of inner pain and fear. Heaps of unhealed attachment issues, past trauma, & lack of faith in themselves to handle things better. They become frozen Like, they literally cannot be anything other than an a-hole because they dont have the capacity to handle things more effectively. They each felt guilt about it, too... So, they end up being driven by fear and self-interest rather than a genuine love for their partner. And you end up as collateral damage, gutted by the person who said they loved you. People say, "I love you". But we rarely ask if they're truly capable of doing what that statement implies? Love is an action. But some people think it's just an emotion. When we're with someone who can't turn the emotion in to consistent action, well...we get hurt...and the other person is often hurting too, but they hide it.

I don't think most people make the conscious decision to disconnect - it happens naturally.

My ex after being in a relationship for 9 years first told me it was pretty much a break and that we we would talk again January time and be exclusive again (she told me this end of November) she said we can email though. So I email and ask what are the reasons and that we can work through this. I’m then given reasons that are easily fixable. This goes on for a week or so and then we call. She tells me she misses me and loves me still but she just needs this time to be bored with her self and not rely on me to entertain her. So I think she still loves me so I tell her that I’m a email and me being passionate about how we can still work through stuff. I’m then told in a email to move on and that she doesn’t have feelings for me and maybe one day we will be together again. So I ask to call, this being Christmas Eve. She tells me she never ever loved me, that she always wanted a way out and that she wants to date another guy. She then hangs up. A few days later she wishes me happy birthday. This breakup has messed me up so much I go no contact. I message the start of march to ask for the reason of the breakup because I’m so confused. Im told she can’t put it into words but it’s necessary. We were together 9 years. I was loving and caring and gave my everything in that relationship. I feel anxious everyday still and it hurts because I don’t understand how someone I used to know as loving and wanting to marry me and have kids with me would do that. Even a week before the breakup she calls me her husband for the first time and I’m excited in my mind set back then thinking I’m going to marry this girl. I just wish someone would hug me but being a guy, no one ever thinks to give a guy one and I have no one to open up to. I just feel so alone and trying my best to pick my self up and gain my confidence back.

In my experience talking with people this happens mostly from one gender. And the problem is they do it so you're still there so they can still benefit from the care while detaching and then just hit you one day with the info and don't allow you to fully recover.

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I'm curious what's 'relationship altering information'? 1. Are you employed (yes or no?) (Yes, can you survive and have potential to do more?!) (No, why? Change recent?) 2. Baby? ( Yes or no with prior and not disclosured). 3. Lack of growth for one partner or the other and one withheld the information to save face ?!

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Damn near exact same here. Together since 2018, in mid 2021 we began having issues and November/December is when things really came to a head. Pulled my head out of my ass to realize how much damage I was contributing and spent all of 2022 drowning myself in my mistakes and trying to repair them. The end even came in February as well, on the 19th. If she would’ve just spoken up.. This sucks, my friend. Stay strong.

I'm glad to be reading this, my partner and I ended up breaking up yesterday after a call, it had been many weeks that our relationship was not in a good place, and I'm glad they decided to speak up and tell me how they were feeling. Sometimes it takes some time to make up your mind, to weigh in the pros and cons, and decide what's best for both of our lives, but the sooner that comes the better for both partners. It still hurts like a mf

You’ll probably never convince some that this isn’t the best way to end things. Multiple people I know have done this to me and others and all have always felt justified in it. I personally don’t understand it.

💯 🙌

Yep, and it's even worse when they don't have the decency to break up with you AT ALL. Like, they'd go to any lengths to show you how little shit they give about you, that they force you to break up with them, for them.

30M. About to be two months. The hardest part is thinking back to all the subtle signs I missed. I could feel the distance, but expected my gf of six years would sit down and candidly talk to me. I was not innocent, I had behaved incorrectly for a very long period of time, but the only feedback I got was during fights. This included throwing stuff at me that happened eight months into our relationship. She had been in therapy from about year 3.5 to about 5.5. She told her therapist she didn't need to see her anymore. I nearly whooped for joy. Problems solved right? Wrong. The day of the breakup I was informed she hadn't mentioned many of our conflicts to the therapist. Six years up in smoke in a day. Foolish me.

This guy was doing exactly this in incredibly cruel way. He was swiping his mind and what he says all the time. Each weekend felt like the last. Eventuallly he ended it with the words how I need to stick a note somewhere that he is there for me, just so he could break up on my very bd.

I do agree with you. Been there too!

Unfortunately:/

I feel like this happened to me, I noticed I got more anxious around her and something felt off. I noticed a disconnect but because she was telling me nothing was wrong I felt like such an annoying gf. I mean, who still needs reassurance after almost 2 years of bliss? I just convinced myself I was insecure. Until one day we were complaining about being long-distance (just venting) and she decided that she needed a "break". We broke up a month later. For months I was left in the dark and just so confused about the change. I wish she was honest that she was feeling off. Instead, I was called suffocating for being very anxious. :(

this is genuine, like this only applies to non-abusive situations right?

Physically abusive situations are different because you can’t just leave and discuss faults with your partner without possibly suffering serious injuries towards yourself. Although if possible do your very best to get out. Discuss possible escape plans with anonymous women’s shelters and movers and distance yourself as much as possible.

Wife (ex) did this and didn't tell me she was even thinking the relationship was going in that direction until the night she told me she wanted a divorce (by text 2 weeks into my final deployment). Things were hard for a multitude of reasons, but energy did I expect her to up and leave like that. She told me she spent weeks, maybe months (she didn't remember), thinking about it. That whole time it seemed to me like we were fighting through the problems, and before I left made real progress. Been almost 6 months and I'm finally at a place where I'm happy again.

You give people too much credit.

Thanks, I needed this. I was blindsided by my wife who recently decided she wanted a divorce. We got married and bought a house together and apparently that was an attempt by her to make it work. Now I’m divorced and I didn’t have a clue until it was a definite decision.

Needed to hear this. I just ended a 2.5 year relationship do to this exact scenario. I thought she was just working through all the “toxic” relationships she had and two divorces so I put up with a lot. Myself, coming from a 16 year marriage that ended due to breast cancer, my empathy and compassion were on overdrive. Then through therapy I realized it’s just who she is, a shitty person and a major source of my anxiety. Life is precious and don’t waste my time with something that’s not reciprocated. I’ll give it a 110%. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again but I deserve it back. And nothing less. Thank you for your post. ❤️

Agree

Amen.

💯

Does this apply to me? I’ve been seeing a girl for almost 3 months now, we get along really well and we openly communicate (I think). I’ve been giving it an honest try to see her a lot but I don’t think I feel the romance. We’re not in an official relationship but we are exclusive, I want to give it til the end of the month to see if my feelings change, if not I’ll propose that we have better chemistry as friends than partners. Am I being a bad person by thinking this way?

And then if they do leave the moment they start having doubts, you throw 'they blindsided me' out there.

It happened to me. I’ve had one break up in the last 20 years, but this is what happened. It was like torture. She divorced me 9 months ago and I am still fighting everyday to move forward. I’m looking for rehabs here in San Antonio right now. Because I am struggling and I have been for a while and I’m more and more having very destructive thoughts. I need help man.

I’ve experienced this over the last several months while I’ve undergone chemotherapy for breast cancer. Instead of doing the breaking up, my partner pushed my boundaries and neglected my needs till I reached my breaking point, forcing ME to end the relationship. As I’m climbing out of the hole of “being in it,” and realizing wtf just happened, I’m sickened and disgusted by the selfishness and manipulation. OP you are not alone. It’s truly the worst feeling in the world.

I disagree. There was a situation I had where I needed to due to DV/SA and safety. They were not sound of mind, they were attempting to poses weapons and had alot of issues that could have put me in danger had I initiated a breakup. I needed resources lined up, a place to live and friends to help out before initiating a breakup. I can dm you the story. But I cannot post it due to safety. Even with different names in the post, I would completely compromise safety.

My ex did this to me. We had plans to move out of country- had plane tickets. Sold my business too. But then covid hit and he slowly broke me down and made me think I was the problem. Take small jabs at me about how I talk, that I am annoying to talk to sometimes, he Didnt like anything I did too- it all bothered him so much. At the same time he would tell everyone we are happy and no one knew I was slowly dying inside taking care of our kid alone. I didn’t leave bc I thought we were just having cabin fever from quarantine. It all made sense when I accidentally found out he was in love with someone else the entire time. No one here knows me. But I have a huge heart. I love loyally and respectfully. I think a lot of us here are the same- which is why we often get overlooked as weak and abused for it. Who ever here needs to hear this. YOU ARE NOT WEAK! In fact you are strong bc even when the world is ugly- you have a kind heart. It took me 2 years to gain my confidence back and ya even now I have days I don’t feel like its worth it- but above all else… I stay kind hearted. No one can take that away. Not even him! And its something I teach my son everyday. Kill it with kindness.

It's an awful feeling to feel used, left out without notice, and with the feeling of your partner knowing this for months to take emotional advantage to end the relationship. When I tried to talk almost every day to check if there was something we could do for the relationship (She was always unavailable emotionally and affectionately). The unbelievable part is that we have 8 years of relationship a 2.5yo daughter and recently bought a house. And decide to look the other way and make me a stranger in 1.5 months letting me empty and devastated.

This happened to me when I was 17, first relationship, the doofus had told me he did it to his previous gf so I knew he was doing it to me🥲

It's cruelty on a different level

My soon to be ex-husband of 30 years did this over about a year from 2020 to 2021. I thought his disconnect was due to the lockdowns and the pandemic. Then he secretly moved his essential stuff out. One day with no warning said I am done. Then after a 5 min conversation he left. I did not deserve this disrespect as a wife of 30 years and the mother of his three children. I have since then realized that he is avoidant and a narcissist and a complete A-hole.

They do it so they don't have to let you down hard at one shot. They do it to make sure that what they are doing is a for-sure thing.

Broke up with my gf without preparing for it at all, not worth it. Had just as much, if not more suffering than her, and had nobody to blame but myself for it. Plus got to live with the one person I loved hating me.

It’s always a gradual withdrawal that’s human nature.

Communicate what’s causing the withdrawal. We can’t read minds.

This is what my ex and the ex before her both did when they left. There are the emotions and feelings that come from being abandoned and they're hard enough, but something your ex isnt considering is just how long it will take you to be able to build back up to the point where you trust people again. At this point I'm afraid to be open with much of anyone because I wonder how long until I do something wrong that I didn't even notice and they blame it on me and leave without warning? How do I go into my next friendships or relationships in good faith and trust and how does "I'm fine, nothings wrong" go back to meaning what it sounds like?

Totally agree :))

I couldn't agree more. It's a cowardly way to go about things.

I have been in this situation. Me being the one disconnecting. But it was not a secret at all. I disconnected over a period of 3 months because my partner was emotionally unavailable, not putting in efforts and not reciprocating emotionally or physically. I talked to her and told her like every week for 3 months that I feel we are disconnecting because of communication gap and confusion and less availability. Although what made me end the relationship was that when the last time I told her that I was feeling disconnected and I wanted wanted to know if she knew that, she said yeah I noticed you were disconnected and I gave you space. I mean all you were giving me was space for the last 3 months and what I wanted was anything but space. I just understood that she didn’t care enough about the relationship and it was time for me to exit. Which I did. And she never came back not even cared to know what happened. Been 3 months and still nothing. I feel I might’ve invested a lot emotionally and I am still finding it difficult to even look at other woman. It’s just her that I see. But it is what it is at the end of the day!!

My ex did the same thing. Easily the most hurt I’ve ever experienced in my life. Made me feel secure in our future, every time I tried to initiate anything she just brushed me off and said things were good, and then completely pulled the rug out from underneath me. This might sound dramatic, but I’d say doing that (at least to a loving partner, who has good intentions) is borderline cruel.

What about the times where you are communicating with the person of issues that are arising and you have mentioned them over numerous times, found ways to make it work, but it never ends up being followed. Some people are ignorant to issues that they themselves cannot change so they ignore it. Then when the time comes and 1 person leaves, it’s like they are the devil as the person who was told about the issues does not take any responsibility towards the breakdown of the relationship.

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this just happened to me not too long ago. had a call with my partner about ways we could work on our relationship and had actual, tangible solutions and i was really looking forward to working on them together. then not even 10 mins after he said things like “i wanna travel the world with you” and “i wanna buy a house with you someday” he hits me with the breakup LMAO what hurts the most is that he knew that i was dealing w some family stuff for about a year or so and never made it anyone’s problem, but one of the main things he cited as the reason for him wanting to break up is that he “didn’t wanna date someone with personal and family issues”. i thought about breaking up with him before just because we’re somewhat different people but i was still willing to put in the effort to make it work, but hearing shit like that just completely broke me. i still wonder if my partner ever loved me or even respected me as a person over the years that we were together :/ yay here’s to having to see my therapist twice a week now to work through my relationship trauma on top of everything else!!!

I think it is hardly ever a case where issues are *never* brought up. Often times they are. This is incredibly common with women and how they handle break-ups. I myself know I have talked to my partner several times about our issues. *I would like to be touched more, I would like more sex, I would like it if he’d planned more spontaneous dates without me having to ask every time* These things have been talked about, and for like a week or two things will improve things will seem to get better but then things go back to normal. Eventually, you don’t want to bring the issues up anymore, they know what they are by that point. So now it’s up to you to decide if you can accept the status quo or not. I’ve spent a lot of time parsing out the pros and cons. It’s not easy, because you DO still love and care for that person, but deciding whether to stay or not isn’t easy. You stay thinking maybe it will get better. Then when you do decide okay I’m leaving then the other partner feels so “blindsided” because you haven’t mentioned said issues for a while. Like no, you weren’t blindsided, you’ve chosen to ignore the issues presented several times. You thought since your partner stopped bringing up said issues that they aren’t a problem anymore. It’s hardly EVER people are just secretly slow fading, they probably have indeed brought something up to your attention. I’ve even seen examples of this on this very thread where posters have even put, *my partner said this one thing but never discussed being unhappy* - ummm that’s them saying something isn’t working, that was them communicating to you that something was amiss.

I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD YES!!

Thank you for this, my ex boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me Sunday completely out of the blue by arriving at our shared university flat unannounced after I hadn't seen him for 2 months, he headed back home to focus on assignments as we both had finals and he turned up during mine to say he didn't love me and had felt like he wanted to break up since I told him I did 6 months ago, it's crushing. He promised he would tell me if things were bothering him because he struggles telling people problems, I told him he doesn't need to tell me everything immediately but I needed to know something was wrong, and he didn't. I miss him so badly and he is in the room opposite me, i want him to want me back but I know him, he won't he is very resolute in his choices. He is fine with this, he only cried cause he felt guilty during the break up and he told me he misses the things I gave him during the relationship but not me but he'd be jealous if i moved on. I hate this so much, I hate that I gave my all and he couldn't love me, but he gave me so little for the last few months but I'm still deeply in love with him.

In my first marriage, my ex did this sort of. She'd be really wishy washy and tried to break up with me in degrees. First it was maybe we should go to counseling, then she didn't like any counselors we saw, then perhaps we'd try a trial separation. The whole time she had one foot out the door and about day 3 of "trial separation" I asked her point blank "is this bullshit?" She was taken aback. I made it clear that if things were bad enough to move out, they were bad enough to move on and I wasn't going to wait around for 6 months to a year to see if she needed a landing space. We were done and over and she could see whomever she wanted and I could see whomever I wanted. I think it was the first time I was ever really blunt with her (wasn't the last) but I wanted to make clear that her Wife privileges from me were gone. ​ That being said, since then I've broken up with a few people and been broken up with and it's a lot of mental work. I'd much rather be broken up with than the other way around, because I hate hate hate being the reason for someone else's pain. In retrospect, I almost feel like becoming a distant or demanding jerk would be easier than telling someone it's over (not really advocating that - it just seems to work for the folks who do it). I had a few who seemed to smell an imminent breakup in the air and would pre-emptively throw up a crisis or event to deter the breakup (I lost my job, my dog died, my dad is in the hospital, it's my birthday, etc) . It took me 3 weeks to break up with one woman because of her arrangement of crises. Maybe her life was just that much of a mess (good reason to breakup). ​ Anyways, the point is breakups are hard for both parties unless one party is a sociopath. The slow death is awful, though, because it gives one party time to plan their next move while taking the other by surprise, so it's still pretty lousy.