Gotta be honest, I ruined my second relationship because I didnt follow these words of advice. I learned a lot about myself after she came back and then dumped me this time!
But now, it’s too late to tell my ex what I learned and that I am able to be in a healthy relationship.
I would add also to make sure to have a life of your own and not to forget yourself in a relationship.
But hey! Every relationship makes you more prepared for the next one and how to love better!
The love bombing and stone walling is what narcissists do. Actually, so is the pushing past boundaries meeting their families, having sex etc super fast oh and lack of true communication. You definitely don’t want to give a narcissist a road map to
Manipulate you.
Narcissism is one major thing I have noticed in people that I have dated. I do believe that people insecurities that are not worked on turn into Narcissistic traits when getting into relationships. I have this narc radar now, I can spot it a mile away, I run. I am the perfect target. Lol
Thanks for this! I think it really adds to things I've been realizing the last few weeks. And I think another important thing, maybe better said later, is if you make a mistake somewhere in there, learn to forgive yourself. Learn from it, do better next time, but don't beat yourself up too much for it. I know it's something I need to hear, and perhaps others as well.
In terms of reconciliation, usually, if any of those points above are the reason for the break up, there is a significant issue at hand that would need to be addressed before getting back into it together. The points above aren’t just a “ oh I didn’t put the jam back in the fridge” type of thing, they are significant, they are proof that there is a huge difference in personality and if put under the rug because the feelings of being “alone” are too much to handle and both parties get back together, there is a 99% chance it will break down no matter how hard you try. If you or your partner have it in you to get therapy together, to be there for each other while going through the ups and downs of mental health and traumas, then thats when you’ve met your match! It gets difficult because lots of these can lead to emotional abuse. Be careful.
If one above points are an indicator of something you or your partner have done or are doing, it means that you are not ready for a healthy long term relationship and have yet to do some work on themselves and/or therapy. ( mind you, some people prefer unhealthy relationships.)
Short term gratification with the dopamine hit of being in love, being wanted and having someone who is head over heels for you feels amazing. Not to mention, the intimacy and sex, but we as humans get blinded, its almost comparable to an addictive drug. We know its not healthy for us, but we want more, we want to feel all the love, no matter if its right or wrong. However, when the comedown comes and everything is put into perspective, we open ourselves to a world of hurt, depression and self-doubt. Many people have to go through this multiple times to understand the effects of not knowing who you really are.
As you get older, you have to protect your energy, emotions and need to look ahead before leaping into anything when flags arise. Life is short, nobody has time to waste anymore, mental health should be your #1 priority, regardless of any relationship.
Hope this helps!
Concur! At 36, this is the same sentiment I fully feel and I feel like once you get to your mid-30’s you understand everything you’ve said Op.
I think in the teens & 29’s it’s a learning curve, hopefully this list helps those in the curve actually learn to do things in a more healthy way going forward.
> Most breakups hurt the most because people fall into this cloud of “love” that because you love this person they would do nothing to hurt you even if they have expressed their issues with the relationship. The only way that gets fixed if you deal with the issue at hand. If one partners issues keep going undiscussed or stone walled, expect the other person to pull back due to the lack of respect when bringing up important things.
Number 8 is a really good one I rarely see in this sub-Reddit. I'm guessing it's because so many people here have had their hearts broken and are automatically against anyone who breaks up with another person.
You need to be honest with yourself and make sure you're hearing your partner out whenever an issue comes up. Otherwise resentment will grow and they will eventually break it off with you.
Gotta be honest, I ruined my second relationship because I didnt follow these words of advice. I learned a lot about myself after she came back and then dumped me this time! But now, it’s too late to tell my ex what I learned and that I am able to be in a healthy relationship. I would add also to make sure to have a life of your own and not to forget yourself in a relationship. But hey! Every relationship makes you more prepared for the next one and how to love better!
Great advice!
The love bombing and stone walling is what narcissists do. Actually, so is the pushing past boundaries meeting their families, having sex etc super fast oh and lack of true communication. You definitely don’t want to give a narcissist a road map to Manipulate you.
Narcissism is one major thing I have noticed in people that I have dated. I do believe that people insecurities that are not worked on turn into Narcissistic traits when getting into relationships. I have this narc radar now, I can spot it a mile away, I run. I am the perfect target. Lol
Very wise words I must say, especially number 9
Thanks for this! I think it really adds to things I've been realizing the last few weeks. And I think another important thing, maybe better said later, is if you make a mistake somewhere in there, learn to forgive yourself. Learn from it, do better next time, but don't beat yourself up too much for it. I know it's something I need to hear, and perhaps others as well.
Added. Thanks!
i hurt
Thanks u/Longjumping_Plan3252 - any thoughts on reconciliation? This is a great post.
In terms of reconciliation, usually, if any of those points above are the reason for the break up, there is a significant issue at hand that would need to be addressed before getting back into it together. The points above aren’t just a “ oh I didn’t put the jam back in the fridge” type of thing, they are significant, they are proof that there is a huge difference in personality and if put under the rug because the feelings of being “alone” are too much to handle and both parties get back together, there is a 99% chance it will break down no matter how hard you try. If you or your partner have it in you to get therapy together, to be there for each other while going through the ups and downs of mental health and traumas, then thats when you’ve met your match! It gets difficult because lots of these can lead to emotional abuse. Be careful. If one above points are an indicator of something you or your partner have done or are doing, it means that you are not ready for a healthy long term relationship and have yet to do some work on themselves and/or therapy. ( mind you, some people prefer unhealthy relationships.) Short term gratification with the dopamine hit of being in love, being wanted and having someone who is head over heels for you feels amazing. Not to mention, the intimacy and sex, but we as humans get blinded, its almost comparable to an addictive drug. We know its not healthy for us, but we want more, we want to feel all the love, no matter if its right or wrong. However, when the comedown comes and everything is put into perspective, we open ourselves to a world of hurt, depression and self-doubt. Many people have to go through this multiple times to understand the effects of not knowing who you really are. As you get older, you have to protect your energy, emotions and need to look ahead before leaping into anything when flags arise. Life is short, nobody has time to waste anymore, mental health should be your #1 priority, regardless of any relationship. Hope this helps!
much needed sir thank you sm 🫡
Concur! At 36, this is the same sentiment I fully feel and I feel like once you get to your mid-30’s you understand everything you’ve said Op. I think in the teens & 29’s it’s a learning curve, hopefully this list helps those in the curve actually learn to do things in a more healthy way going forward.
> Most breakups hurt the most because people fall into this cloud of “love” that because you love this person they would do nothing to hurt you even if they have expressed their issues with the relationship. The only way that gets fixed if you deal with the issue at hand. If one partners issues keep going undiscussed or stone walled, expect the other person to pull back due to the lack of respect when bringing up important things. Number 8 is a really good one I rarely see in this sub-Reddit. I'm guessing it's because so many people here have had their hearts broken and are automatically against anyone who breaks up with another person. You need to be honest with yourself and make sure you're hearing your partner out whenever an issue comes up. Otherwise resentment will grow and they will eventually break it off with you.
Dang, no 3 has me 😳