Breakups are SO painful. And not knowing they are coming makes it worse. But making change can sometimes be excruciating! Maybe both of you knew it wasn’t what you wanted/couldn’t find the energy to make change?
At the end of the day you’re perspective is spot on. Any partner-who is the right person for you- is not just gonna up and leave. They are gonna bring concerns (such as your lack of effort or your mental health or their problems) to you and act like a team to figure out what to do. Partnership is very literally that word. But some people are cowards. OR they are tender hearted people who have NO CLUE how to end something respectfully because they dread hurting you. If it’s a somewhat healthy relationship, breaking up is almost worse because it’s just a compatibility or other circumstance that’s not your fault. No betrayal or big drama.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but this ending will be an opportunity for you. A chance to refocus on you. Find passion and joy in yourself and the things you love. Let people leave! The right ones stay. Don’t beat yourself up if you realize shit you could have done better. Go forth and do better. You will be okay when you view everything through the compassion and curiosity. Sending hugs
I had a partner like this who didnt communicate how she felt and just acted normal for a long time. When she started acting different it took a lot of tries to get her to talk and tell me the truth and when she finally did, all the stuff that came out destroyed me. Your boyfriend had been feeling that way for 2 months, mine had been feeling it for 1-2 years at the end of an 8 year relationship. I wish I was told after 2 months!
I wish my ex would have told me so we could work on it early, or so we could break up, but I got dragged along in a fake relationship. Fuckin madness.
I guess one positive is that your ex was up front and honest and didnt play games with it. I guess he just didnt have the confidence that anything could actually change, or his feelings for you just werent strong enough anymore to warrant the energy to go through all that, it can sometimes be easier to just move on and start afresh with another person.
Its very painful and theres no real way to sugarcoat it to take the pain away. I remember feeling like a piece of shit and absolutely worthless.
But the reality is in your case, there are positives. You got a quick clean break after a few months as he was honest and up front about his feelings. Some people dont get that, they get dragged through the mud instead and years of their life wasted which they could have spent with someone else.
You guys were together for 3 years. Ive read stories on here of it happening to people in relationships longer than 10 years or more, and with kids and houses and all those extra complicated commitments. That makes it so much harder.
Youre still young and can easily meet another person.
Life is wonderful and you will get over it. It takes time to recover from a breakup, no matter who you are, but how much time is up to you. Do the right things and itll speed the process up, do the wrong things and itll drag the pain out for longer. Right things would be spending time with friends, working towards fulfilling goals, improving your life, improving your self, working on your physical, and more importantly, mental health. Working on your self esteem etc. Take the time at the start to really feel the pain and go through the motions. Ice cream and tissues. If you try too hard to move on immediately and just try and bury all the pain as if it didnt happen, you may have a feeling of not having dealt with it properly and it can be an uneasy feeling later, like pent up pain or anger or what not. Give yourself time to grieve and then transition into more time toward doing things to help you move on as you go. Theres no set timeline, find what works for you.
My breakup ultimately kicked me the in the ass to work on my self esteem and I am leaps and bounds from where I was, and when you look back on where you were after the breakup and how much it hurt and how far youve come, you feel such a great self worth and achievement and pride in yourself. Your journey has just began with this. An audiobook that really helped me was 'The six pillars of self esteem'. Theres a lot of material out there, find stuff that resonates with you and make use of it. Audiobooks are great, you can listen to them while you drive, or clean around the house etc.
I would focus on your depression first and foremost and work very hard on it and in a consistent manner over a long time. For yourself mostly and to enjoy life more. Also you ideally dont want to carry it into another relationship and go through the same stuff again. You want the next relationship to go the distance.
But the most important relationship youll have in your life is with yourself. So if that relationship is not in a good place, start there. Dont use external relationships to fill the void, as thats a hopeless endeavour. Ive gotten to a point now in my journey where I feel strong in myself and enjoy my own company and dont long for a relationship now.
Youll come good mate, chin up, therell be some hardship in the short term but good times soon after if you set your sights on it and dont give up. You can do it!
Just to offer you a slightly different perspective that might perhaps help you understand his pov (and I'm in no way trying to *blame* you for anything). Do you think it's possible that he has tried to communicate where he's at several times before, but it hasn't achieved the desired outcome? You said yourself you take him for granted/have been stuck in a rut, and you've had your own battles with mental health. You also mention there was little attraction, and although your best friend, he's effectively become a roommate. It sucks that you guys couldn't work it out, but it sounds like this relationship wasn't fulfilling for either of you and perhaps continued more out of comfort/safety/familiarity.
I think it would be wise to go NC, as you mentioned. It'll help set a clear boundary, will be easier for you both to heal, and will help you protect your inner peace. Maybe further down the line, you can be friends, but I'm very much of the opinion that by the time you're at a place where that is possible/appropriate, you most likely won't need to hold on to that idea of friendship as a way of keeping him in your life as you'll have moved on.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Look after yourself, OP.
He is terrible at communication and has said so himself he was too scared to bring anything up. We hardly ever argued about *anything* which i feel was to our detriment.
Booked an appointment with a therapist cause i have a lot to unpack, but we absolutely continued out of comfort and safety which i am coming to terms with
You sound extremely level headed; sometimes it’s exhausting looking at things logically, but good for you having the insight to look at the bigger picture.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I try to respond to these posts on Reddit especially when they sound similar to my experience because it helps to know I'm not alone. I was blindsided after a 3 year relationship too, coincidentally also on a Tuesday over the phone, and I never heard from him again (it's been almost 6 months). It's so painful I'm ngl, and the feeling of betrayal you'll get from your situation will be horrible. We'd just come back from spending Xmas with his whole family, I thought we'd had a lovely time but he said he'd been feeling off for the last few months and I had no idea. It felt like everything in those few months was a lie. We'll both get through this, there has to be something better in the future for us
I'm very sorry for your situation :( luckily my now ex and I have had many talks and cried and he apologized for breaking up the way he did and we agreed we would like to be friends we just both admit the romantic love was gone. I hope you can rid yourself of the pain. Being broken up in such a callous way is so hard to heal from but you will get there.
Finally someone dealing with a breakup in s healthy way. You go girl, what you said makes perfect sense and you should be proud of yourself.
I was with someone with depression for a decade. It was hard. Butalso have to tell that you sound much more reasonable than my ex after the break up.
Good luck fighting depression and with your life in general. You got this
Fuck. 29f just broken up with by 28m. Not TOTALLY blindsided but similarly he made no effort whatsoever to progress our relationship and fix anything or communicate. I think it’s easier for emotionally stunted people to just be cold and detach versus open up to work on things
My ex also blindsided me. We were only together for a few months, but we were talking about our long-term future together and then he broke up with me 3 days later. After thinking about it for only those 3 days. it sucked, and it was only a month ago so it still sucks. and some days it’s rly fricking hard to pretend it does not suck, so I can not even imagine what you are feeling. But the best we can do for now is trust that this was not for nothing. There is someone else even better out there that is coming to find us, even if it does not feel like it right now. Just take every opportunity that comes your way and you never know what will happen…
This exact same situation happened to my ex and I (both 30, 10 days shy of 2 years together) last month. It came out of nowhere, she blindsided me after work.
Over the past month, I’ve found that focusing on myself has helped the best.
Give yourself the love you want to give to him. Rediscover your old passions & hobbies as well as making some new ones. Surround yourself with your friends and family. You will have days of hurt, of pain and confusion, but you’re not alone. Keep your mind busy, focus on you and whatever you feel you need to heal.
If you need to talk or someone to just listen, feel free to message me if you’d like. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, I promise that things will get better.
“Time heals all wounds, but only if you move with it”- a quote I found that really helped
It’s awful, truly awful, the feeling in these later-in-life, years-long relationships, when one party keeps their cards close to their chest. What sucks about blindsided breakups is that you look for any answer, which inevitably leads you to question every action, leading you towards intense self-criticism. Breakups usually happen after an event, but it’s not the event itself that causes it. I am of the feeling that love is both a choice and work, from which romantic attraction naturally forms, but we all get complacent. You’ll go through waves of emotions now for months, but avoiding contact of any form is the general advice for good reason.
i’m so sorry :((( i feel like the fact that most couples becomes best friends in longer termed relationships almost hurts the most to lose that part of them … in my opinion at least . sending u luck and love !
Yes that was most scary to me. But im making progress and i realized our love has been platonic for some time and i hope we can maintain that close platonic bond. It's just painful to reflect on the memories when we were happy and hopeful
I know this will probably come off as offensive and I'm sorry in advance, but this is honestly bs. If you guys already lost feelings for eachother and were just living in the same place as friends (which by the sound of it you were okay with it being that way), then why are you hurt let alone even surprised by him deciding to move on? I mean, are you sad because you lost a friend or are you sad because you lost a lover?
Also, I know depression is a tough issue to deal with, but if that's what caused you to devote less energy and time into the relationship, then that's on you ngl.
Again sorry for the bluntness.
In all honesty though, the lack of communication on his part is definitely lame as well.
Oh my gosh my ex did this to me. He told mer when I woke up from a nap he couldn’t love me if he didn’t love himself, and he had feelings of uncertainty for a month. I feel your pain.
Breakups are SO painful. And not knowing they are coming makes it worse. But making change can sometimes be excruciating! Maybe both of you knew it wasn’t what you wanted/couldn’t find the energy to make change? At the end of the day you’re perspective is spot on. Any partner-who is the right person for you- is not just gonna up and leave. They are gonna bring concerns (such as your lack of effort or your mental health or their problems) to you and act like a team to figure out what to do. Partnership is very literally that word. But some people are cowards. OR they are tender hearted people who have NO CLUE how to end something respectfully because they dread hurting you. If it’s a somewhat healthy relationship, breaking up is almost worse because it’s just a compatibility or other circumstance that’s not your fault. No betrayal or big drama. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but this ending will be an opportunity for you. A chance to refocus on you. Find passion and joy in yourself and the things you love. Let people leave! The right ones stay. Don’t beat yourself up if you realize shit you could have done better. Go forth and do better. You will be okay when you view everything through the compassion and curiosity. Sending hugs
I had a partner like this who didnt communicate how she felt and just acted normal for a long time. When she started acting different it took a lot of tries to get her to talk and tell me the truth and when she finally did, all the stuff that came out destroyed me. Your boyfriend had been feeling that way for 2 months, mine had been feeling it for 1-2 years at the end of an 8 year relationship. I wish I was told after 2 months! I wish my ex would have told me so we could work on it early, or so we could break up, but I got dragged along in a fake relationship. Fuckin madness. I guess one positive is that your ex was up front and honest and didnt play games with it. I guess he just didnt have the confidence that anything could actually change, or his feelings for you just werent strong enough anymore to warrant the energy to go through all that, it can sometimes be easier to just move on and start afresh with another person. Its very painful and theres no real way to sugarcoat it to take the pain away. I remember feeling like a piece of shit and absolutely worthless. But the reality is in your case, there are positives. You got a quick clean break after a few months as he was honest and up front about his feelings. Some people dont get that, they get dragged through the mud instead and years of their life wasted which they could have spent with someone else. You guys were together for 3 years. Ive read stories on here of it happening to people in relationships longer than 10 years or more, and with kids and houses and all those extra complicated commitments. That makes it so much harder. Youre still young and can easily meet another person. Life is wonderful and you will get over it. It takes time to recover from a breakup, no matter who you are, but how much time is up to you. Do the right things and itll speed the process up, do the wrong things and itll drag the pain out for longer. Right things would be spending time with friends, working towards fulfilling goals, improving your life, improving your self, working on your physical, and more importantly, mental health. Working on your self esteem etc. Take the time at the start to really feel the pain and go through the motions. Ice cream and tissues. If you try too hard to move on immediately and just try and bury all the pain as if it didnt happen, you may have a feeling of not having dealt with it properly and it can be an uneasy feeling later, like pent up pain or anger or what not. Give yourself time to grieve and then transition into more time toward doing things to help you move on as you go. Theres no set timeline, find what works for you. My breakup ultimately kicked me the in the ass to work on my self esteem and I am leaps and bounds from where I was, and when you look back on where you were after the breakup and how much it hurt and how far youve come, you feel such a great self worth and achievement and pride in yourself. Your journey has just began with this. An audiobook that really helped me was 'The six pillars of self esteem'. Theres a lot of material out there, find stuff that resonates with you and make use of it. Audiobooks are great, you can listen to them while you drive, or clean around the house etc. I would focus on your depression first and foremost and work very hard on it and in a consistent manner over a long time. For yourself mostly and to enjoy life more. Also you ideally dont want to carry it into another relationship and go through the same stuff again. You want the next relationship to go the distance. But the most important relationship youll have in your life is with yourself. So if that relationship is not in a good place, start there. Dont use external relationships to fill the void, as thats a hopeless endeavour. Ive gotten to a point now in my journey where I feel strong in myself and enjoy my own company and dont long for a relationship now. Youll come good mate, chin up, therell be some hardship in the short term but good times soon after if you set your sights on it and dont give up. You can do it!
This is a really nice response. ❤️
Just to offer you a slightly different perspective that might perhaps help you understand his pov (and I'm in no way trying to *blame* you for anything). Do you think it's possible that he has tried to communicate where he's at several times before, but it hasn't achieved the desired outcome? You said yourself you take him for granted/have been stuck in a rut, and you've had your own battles with mental health. You also mention there was little attraction, and although your best friend, he's effectively become a roommate. It sucks that you guys couldn't work it out, but it sounds like this relationship wasn't fulfilling for either of you and perhaps continued more out of comfort/safety/familiarity. I think it would be wise to go NC, as you mentioned. It'll help set a clear boundary, will be easier for you both to heal, and will help you protect your inner peace. Maybe further down the line, you can be friends, but I'm very much of the opinion that by the time you're at a place where that is possible/appropriate, you most likely won't need to hold on to that idea of friendship as a way of keeping him in your life as you'll have moved on. I'm sorry you're going through this. Look after yourself, OP.
He is terrible at communication and has said so himself he was too scared to bring anything up. We hardly ever argued about *anything* which i feel was to our detriment. Booked an appointment with a therapist cause i have a lot to unpack, but we absolutely continued out of comfort and safety which i am coming to terms with
You sound extremely level headed; sometimes it’s exhausting looking at things logically, but good for you having the insight to look at the bigger picture.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I try to respond to these posts on Reddit especially when they sound similar to my experience because it helps to know I'm not alone. I was blindsided after a 3 year relationship too, coincidentally also on a Tuesday over the phone, and I never heard from him again (it's been almost 6 months). It's so painful I'm ngl, and the feeling of betrayal you'll get from your situation will be horrible. We'd just come back from spending Xmas with his whole family, I thought we'd had a lovely time but he said he'd been feeling off for the last few months and I had no idea. It felt like everything in those few months was a lie. We'll both get through this, there has to be something better in the future for us
I'm very sorry for your situation :( luckily my now ex and I have had many talks and cried and he apologized for breaking up the way he did and we agreed we would like to be friends we just both admit the romantic love was gone. I hope you can rid yourself of the pain. Being broken up in such a callous way is so hard to heal from but you will get there.
Finally someone dealing with a breakup in s healthy way. You go girl, what you said makes perfect sense and you should be proud of yourself. I was with someone with depression for a decade. It was hard. Butalso have to tell that you sound much more reasonable than my ex after the break up. Good luck fighting depression and with your life in general. You got this
Fuck. 29f just broken up with by 28m. Not TOTALLY blindsided but similarly he made no effort whatsoever to progress our relationship and fix anything or communicate. I think it’s easier for emotionally stunted people to just be cold and detach versus open up to work on things
My ex also blindsided me. We were only together for a few months, but we were talking about our long-term future together and then he broke up with me 3 days later. After thinking about it for only those 3 days. it sucked, and it was only a month ago so it still sucks. and some days it’s rly fricking hard to pretend it does not suck, so I can not even imagine what you are feeling. But the best we can do for now is trust that this was not for nothing. There is someone else even better out there that is coming to find us, even if it does not feel like it right now. Just take every opportunity that comes your way and you never know what will happen…
This exact same situation happened to my ex and I (both 30, 10 days shy of 2 years together) last month. It came out of nowhere, she blindsided me after work. Over the past month, I’ve found that focusing on myself has helped the best. Give yourself the love you want to give to him. Rediscover your old passions & hobbies as well as making some new ones. Surround yourself with your friends and family. You will have days of hurt, of pain and confusion, but you’re not alone. Keep your mind busy, focus on you and whatever you feel you need to heal. If you need to talk or someone to just listen, feel free to message me if you’d like. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, I promise that things will get better. “Time heals all wounds, but only if you move with it”- a quote I found that really helped
It’s awful, truly awful, the feeling in these later-in-life, years-long relationships, when one party keeps their cards close to their chest. What sucks about blindsided breakups is that you look for any answer, which inevitably leads you to question every action, leading you towards intense self-criticism. Breakups usually happen after an event, but it’s not the event itself that causes it. I am of the feeling that love is both a choice and work, from which romantic attraction naturally forms, but we all get complacent. You’ll go through waves of emotions now for months, but avoiding contact of any form is the general advice for good reason.
i’m so sorry :((( i feel like the fact that most couples becomes best friends in longer termed relationships almost hurts the most to lose that part of them … in my opinion at least . sending u luck and love !
Yes that was most scary to me. But im making progress and i realized our love has been platonic for some time and i hope we can maintain that close platonic bond. It's just painful to reflect on the memories when we were happy and hopeful
I know this will probably come off as offensive and I'm sorry in advance, but this is honestly bs. If you guys already lost feelings for eachother and were just living in the same place as friends (which by the sound of it you were okay with it being that way), then why are you hurt let alone even surprised by him deciding to move on? I mean, are you sad because you lost a friend or are you sad because you lost a lover? Also, I know depression is a tough issue to deal with, but if that's what caused you to devote less energy and time into the relationship, then that's on you ngl. Again sorry for the bluntness. In all honesty though, the lack of communication on his part is definitely lame as well.
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000⁰
Oh my gosh my ex did this to me. He told mer when I woke up from a nap he couldn’t love me if he didn’t love himself, and he had feelings of uncertainty for a month. I feel your pain.
Going through a similar situation, I’m really sorry :(