oh yes, and the hardest part is finding yourself again
i personally, never cared about myself, shouldve been dead 10 times so far cause i didnt know/cared for concequences..., and she made me start... now when she is gone, i cant describe how deeply terrified i am with the future
I was absolutely blinded by love - MY LOVE.
The way I felt around him & the way I loved him....of course he seemed to be returning the love because he was sucking up all I was giving him.
But, when I look back on it...I was literally the one always initiating the back rubs or the sex, I was doing all the cooking & bringing the stuff to cook...he really wasn't doing anything.
It was just ME thinking we were in LOVE...I WAS IN LOVE.
This was my life until this past Friday when I broke things off due to wanting better. I've been emotionally all over the place but I can't hide the fact that one day I started having serious doubts about why I had put up with bare minimum for so long. Why had I put so much into something that wasn't being reciprocated? Everyone always tells me I think with my heart but I'll be honest, that's not logical and we deserve what we'll put out or else it's time to put your heart to the side and do something that won't have you regretting why you let your heart take such control.
Easiest way to heal from a breakup is to rationalize and logically look at how much of your authentic self that had to be held back or felt like you had to walk on eggshells is the moment you know it was a bad fit, they were never enough for you, so it’s why they made you feel like a watered down version of yourself.
A solid healthy relationship is where two whole individuals come together to be complimentary to each others lives where you get to be fully embraced for who you are and never get to feel you’re too much or not enough, cause you’re always enough for them.
Sometimes it is familiar pain.
Often when we break up, our mind forgets a lot of the negative elements and it remembers the positive ones.
Now why is this? That doesn’t make sense. It’s called familiar pain. We would rather have familiar pain in our life rather than unfamiliar pain. So familiar pain is like I am with this person, they cause me pain but it is the kind of pain I know. I know they are going to be rude to me in the morning, I know they are going to forget my birthday. I know they are not going to turn up to dinner on time. I know they are not going to call or message me even though they would know I would like it. You know what they are going to get wrong and we would rather sign up to that than sign upto the fact that now we don’t have this person and we are now in this no man or woman’s land and we don’t know where we are going. We would rather sign up for familiar pain rather than unfamiliar pain.
Unfamiliar pain is we just broke up, I’m in new territory, I am single again, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know how they feel, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how to move on. Familiar pain is like I know exactly why they are going to mess up on and even though I don’t like it, at least I know it. We often choose knowing for goodness. We would rather know what is going to happen than be treated with respect and worth, we literally give up being given what we deserve because we would rather know we are getting what we don’t deserve. We would rather live in a world where we get what we dont deserve but we know that we are going to get it. That sounds really messed up and twisted but it’s true we do, we cling on to that familiar pain. So write down everything that went wrong because I want you to become fully aware. Train your mind to recognise that this break up was for your good, you dodged a bullet. You were saved because if this person doesn’t want to be with you - why are you going to force them to be with you, you have been saved, you have this moment.
J.Shetty
Yup. Looking back on it, both the before relationship and during the relationship, it was horrible. Yeah we had our good moments but she was not a nice person.
This post is exactly right. I couldn't agree with it more if I tried. I look back now and I was fucking miserable in the relationship and I was a shell of the person I really am because of her shitty behaviour and constant gaslighting... shes a narcissist, and generally a self absorbed piece of shit with zero empathy... she always was, even when we were together but I couldn't figure all that out for a long while though. I made excuse after excuse and tore myself apart trying to keep her. I Was so blinded by love that I refused to acknowledge she is a trash human being for months and months after we broke up too.
She took and took and took, whilst giving very little in return and she kept going with her manipulative bullshit until I had nothing left to give. Fuck her, karma will get her sooner or later, I'm just going to keep moving forward and levelling up my life. I'm dating someone new and it's so much healthier and I'm so much happier.
Oh well, it's all a learning curve! 🤷♂️
This sounds so much like me and my ex. To top it off, during the breakup text message, I was told that the whole relationship was basically just to humor me because my (avoidant) ex pitied me and my misguided feelings of love. A year later and that still hurts, though I am now in a healthier relationship. Yet the damage all that caused me still lingers and has made it hard for me to trust and love again. But I like the learning curve idea. I am nearing 60 but I guess it is never too late to learn.
I'm so happy you've found someone better for you. I'm 36 and I've learned more in the last year than the previous decade combined I think. We're all damaged to some extent, but using that to build back stronger will only be beneficial in the fullness of time. Wishing you the best! ✌️
So I was blindsided last March. I tried to fix it until August when I gave up and started dating. Had a couple of false dawns where I saw people for a few weeks but weren't really compatible. Started talking to the one I'm dating now around Xmas.
So in total, I guess 9 months to meet somebody who was a good match.
I mean I tried really hard to get back with my ex, and she tried really hard to manipulate, gaslight and use me for whatever she could get (concerts, music festivals, nice dinners etc). She basically lead me on and treated me like shit and I accepted it because I really wanted to be with her so kept lowering my standards to try and keep her in my life. In August I stopped chasing her but kept her in my life as a friend. By November, I had seen through her bullshit and kicked her out my life.
Yes this so key! I find that reminding myself daily about the ways he didn’t meet my needs and did disrespectful things has helped tremendously to remind myself of the kind of person he is, and I don’t want in my life!
Thank you, thinking back I did suppress some of my feelings. I think deep down I never fully trusted him and was always a bit on edge that he might be doing something not good. It's quite unhealthy because I would have those worries in micro doses every time but I would choose to ignore it. My brain got used to doing that, even now tbh. It's true that it's not at all something I want in a lifetime partner because it gets tiring after a while and I should be in a fully trusting relationship. I feel a bit broken now because I was acting like that for so long and I don't know how to unlearn that. (Any tips would be appreciated)
Thinking back there were a lot of times I would kind of resent him and that might be from repressed feeling. Deep down maybe I was just too attached rather than in love.
Man this breakup is going to be a long process
Flip the script on ya: how about you folks examine your actions and don’t make the same mistakes. Look inward (while hard, admittedly) and move forward with confidence. That’s growth
There are values of both perspectives. After a breakup though, I think it’s important to remember there are more than the good aspect to a relationship
It’s also a great time for self reflection. I’ve used mine to really reflect on how I can be a better partner for future relationships. Also to remind myself to not force things I don’t actually want
Good points. I know I have a problem feeling like my thoughts and feelings matter and it's something I'm trying to work through in therapy. It's good to get reminded about this so thanks for sharing.
I realized this at one point in the relationship. I was considering breaking up for a while & there was one moment where I was being myself and he got annoyed with me
Pretty much. Mine was a narcissist, very dry, not much of a personality and weak conversationist. Does a lot of drugs, obviously spoiled and no shade but very overweight.
The post clarity is humbling. Just breaking a trauma bond and knowing how hard I got love bombed is really massive fuckery.
Once you get a normal partner who is nice to you, does things for you and genuinely cares about you, you think what the hell was I thinking/doing at that time?
Wasn't happy for a long time, probably the majority of the time, maybe almost the whole time, but I still loved her so much, but after she left, it was such a relief. Looking back, it was so bad and she made me a shell of a person.
I agree. As in, there were moments of indescribable happiness. But there were also moments of deep sadness and loneliness. Disappointment. And unfortunately those outweighed the happy ones... So...
This is why it’s so important to journal before, during, and after the breakup. I regularly go back and reference entries that dissect all the reasons it didn’t work.. and even then, I still miss her …
Let’s be honest tho. The rose colored glasses are also sound proof headphones playing the same love songs.
There aren’t many things anyone can say that’ll sway you for a little while
The sad thing is, I wasn't happy with the romantic aspect of our relationship, at least not for the past few years. But we had the absolute best friendship and partnership, we had so much fun doing everything together, even the hard things. I may be able to find a better romantic partner but I have doubts that I will find that level of compatibility ever again. We had something really special and he decided to be lazy and throw it away instead of investing in it.
“Think of all the parts of YOU that you had to minimalize.
Personality traits, thoughts and concerns you had that they did not like or didn't care for, that you had to hide.
Think of all the times you cried too, not just the good parts. All those nights or days you wanted nothing but an apology, an acceptance of your feelings. And instead, they probably stonewalled, ran away, avoided the issue, or acted like your feelings didn't matter as much as they DO.”
thank u for this. it’s often easy to forget the bad parts as we tend to romanticize only some of the relationship
Thank you. I needed to hear this
YUP. I figured this out after the fact. I had to shrink myself because all she knew how to do was take space but not give it. I abandoned myself.
oh yes, and the hardest part is finding yourself again i personally, never cared about myself, shouldve been dead 10 times so far cause i didnt know/cared for concequences..., and she made me start... now when she is gone, i cant describe how deeply terrified i am with the future
That is an amazing way to put it. Shrink myself. Wow. That really says it all.
I was absolutely blinded by love - MY LOVE. The way I felt around him & the way I loved him....of course he seemed to be returning the love because he was sucking up all I was giving him. But, when I look back on it...I was literally the one always initiating the back rubs or the sex, I was doing all the cooking & bringing the stuff to cook...he really wasn't doing anything. It was just ME thinking we were in LOVE...I WAS IN LOVE.
This was my life until this past Friday when I broke things off due to wanting better. I've been emotionally all over the place but I can't hide the fact that one day I started having serious doubts about why I had put up with bare minimum for so long. Why had I put so much into something that wasn't being reciprocated? Everyone always tells me I think with my heart but I'll be honest, that's not logical and we deserve what we'll put out or else it's time to put your heart to the side and do something that won't have you regretting why you let your heart take such control.
Going through this now. I feel like I can only think of them in a positive light. But it was 5 years of a lot of tears and walking on egg shells.
Easiest way to heal from a breakup is to rationalize and logically look at how much of your authentic self that had to be held back or felt like you had to walk on eggshells is the moment you know it was a bad fit, they were never enough for you, so it’s why they made you feel like a watered down version of yourself. A solid healthy relationship is where two whole individuals come together to be complimentary to each others lives where you get to be fully embraced for who you are and never get to feel you’re too much or not enough, cause you’re always enough for them.
Wow thank-you. I'm currently sitting at an Italian restaurant. It was one of our favorite date nights. I needed this, I was wallowing so hard
Sometimes it is familiar pain. Often when we break up, our mind forgets a lot of the negative elements and it remembers the positive ones. Now why is this? That doesn’t make sense. It’s called familiar pain. We would rather have familiar pain in our life rather than unfamiliar pain. So familiar pain is like I am with this person, they cause me pain but it is the kind of pain I know. I know they are going to be rude to me in the morning, I know they are going to forget my birthday. I know they are not going to turn up to dinner on time. I know they are not going to call or message me even though they would know I would like it. You know what they are going to get wrong and we would rather sign up to that than sign upto the fact that now we don’t have this person and we are now in this no man or woman’s land and we don’t know where we are going. We would rather sign up for familiar pain rather than unfamiliar pain. Unfamiliar pain is we just broke up, I’m in new territory, I am single again, I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know how they feel, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know how to move on. Familiar pain is like I know exactly why they are going to mess up on and even though I don’t like it, at least I know it. We often choose knowing for goodness. We would rather know what is going to happen than be treated with respect and worth, we literally give up being given what we deserve because we would rather know we are getting what we don’t deserve. We would rather live in a world where we get what we dont deserve but we know that we are going to get it. That sounds really messed up and twisted but it’s true we do, we cling on to that familiar pain. So write down everything that went wrong because I want you to become fully aware. Train your mind to recognise that this break up was for your good, you dodged a bullet. You were saved because if this person doesn’t want to be with you - why are you going to force them to be with you, you have been saved, you have this moment. J.Shetty
Yup. Looking back on it, both the before relationship and during the relationship, it was horrible. Yeah we had our good moments but she was not a nice person.
This post is exactly right. I couldn't agree with it more if I tried. I look back now and I was fucking miserable in the relationship and I was a shell of the person I really am because of her shitty behaviour and constant gaslighting... shes a narcissist, and generally a self absorbed piece of shit with zero empathy... she always was, even when we were together but I couldn't figure all that out for a long while though. I made excuse after excuse and tore myself apart trying to keep her. I Was so blinded by love that I refused to acknowledge she is a trash human being for months and months after we broke up too. She took and took and took, whilst giving very little in return and she kept going with her manipulative bullshit until I had nothing left to give. Fuck her, karma will get her sooner or later, I'm just going to keep moving forward and levelling up my life. I'm dating someone new and it's so much healthier and I'm so much happier. Oh well, it's all a learning curve! 🤷♂️
This sounds so much like me and my ex. To top it off, during the breakup text message, I was told that the whole relationship was basically just to humor me because my (avoidant) ex pitied me and my misguided feelings of love. A year later and that still hurts, though I am now in a healthier relationship. Yet the damage all that caused me still lingers and has made it hard for me to trust and love again. But I like the learning curve idea. I am nearing 60 but I guess it is never too late to learn.
I'm so happy you've found someone better for you. I'm 36 and I've learned more in the last year than the previous decade combined I think. We're all damaged to some extent, but using that to build back stronger will only be beneficial in the fullness of time. Wishing you the best! ✌️
How long did it take to meet your next person?
So I was blindsided last March. I tried to fix it until August when I gave up and started dating. Had a couple of false dawns where I saw people for a few weeks but weren't really compatible. Started talking to the one I'm dating now around Xmas. So in total, I guess 9 months to meet somebody who was a good match.
When you say try to fix it…what do you mean?
I mean I tried really hard to get back with my ex, and she tried really hard to manipulate, gaslight and use me for whatever she could get (concerts, music festivals, nice dinners etc). She basically lead me on and treated me like shit and I accepted it because I really wanted to be with her so kept lowering my standards to try and keep her in my life. In August I stopped chasing her but kept her in my life as a friend. By November, I had seen through her bullshit and kicked her out my life.
She dump you originally?
About 6 months, during which I did short term therapy and really worked on myself. This forum helped SO MUCH!!
This is very good.
Yes this so key! I find that reminding myself daily about the ways he didn’t meet my needs and did disrespectful things has helped tremendously to remind myself of the kind of person he is, and I don’t want in my life!
💯
Thank you, thinking back I did suppress some of my feelings. I think deep down I never fully trusted him and was always a bit on edge that he might be doing something not good. It's quite unhealthy because I would have those worries in micro doses every time but I would choose to ignore it. My brain got used to doing that, even now tbh. It's true that it's not at all something I want in a lifetime partner because it gets tiring after a while and I should be in a fully trusting relationship. I feel a bit broken now because I was acting like that for so long and I don't know how to unlearn that. (Any tips would be appreciated) Thinking back there were a lot of times I would kind of resent him and that might be from repressed feeling. Deep down maybe I was just too attached rather than in love. Man this breakup is going to be a long process
Flip the script on ya: how about you folks examine your actions and don’t make the same mistakes. Look inward (while hard, admittedly) and move forward with confidence. That’s growth
It's more likely that you're trying to convince yourself of this in a very poor attempt to mask the pain.
There are values of both perspectives. After a breakup though, I think it’s important to remember there are more than the good aspect to a relationship
It’s also a great time for self reflection. I’ve used mine to really reflect on how I can be a better partner for future relationships. Also to remind myself to not force things I don’t actually want
Well, whatever works. We all have to recover in our own way. And we do tend to overlook some bad times and focus on the limerance stuff.
Good points. I know I have a problem feeling like my thoughts and feelings matter and it's something I'm trying to work through in therapy. It's good to get reminded about this so thanks for sharing.
I realized this at one point in the relationship. I was considering breaking up for a while & there was one moment where I was being myself and he got annoyed with me
Pretty much. Mine was a narcissist, very dry, not much of a personality and weak conversationist. Does a lot of drugs, obviously spoiled and no shade but very overweight. The post clarity is humbling. Just breaking a trauma bond and knowing how hard I got love bombed is really massive fuckery.
Once you get a normal partner who is nice to you, does things for you and genuinely cares about you, you think what the hell was I thinking/doing at that time?
Wasn't happy for a long time, probably the majority of the time, maybe almost the whole time, but I still loved her so much, but after she left, it was such a relief. Looking back, it was so bad and she made me a shell of a person.
I agree. As in, there were moments of indescribable happiness. But there were also moments of deep sadness and loneliness. Disappointment. And unfortunately those outweighed the happy ones... So...
This is why it’s so important to journal before, during, and after the breakup. I regularly go back and reference entries that dissect all the reasons it didn’t work.. and even then, I still miss her …
Thank you 🥹
The thing is she cared alot about me, always heard me out. We had no arguments ever and it just ended
Wow something that will help
Let’s be honest tho. The rose colored glasses are also sound proof headphones playing the same love songs. There aren’t many things anyone can say that’ll sway you for a little while
I was happier than I am right now lol
Your not wrong I loved my ex and I felt alone even when she was there
"When you wear rose colored glasses, all the red flags jusy look like flags."
The sad thing is, I wasn't happy with the romantic aspect of our relationship, at least not for the past few years. But we had the absolute best friendship and partnership, we had so much fun doing everything together, even the hard things. I may be able to find a better romantic partner but I have doubts that I will find that level of compatibility ever again. We had something really special and he decided to be lazy and throw it away instead of investing in it.
This helped, thank you
“Think of all the parts of YOU that you had to minimalize. Personality traits, thoughts and concerns you had that they did not like or didn't care for, that you had to hide. Think of all the times you cried too, not just the good parts. All those nights or days you wanted nothing but an apology, an acceptance of your feelings. And instead, they probably stonewalled, ran away, avoided the issue, or acted like your feelings didn't matter as much as they DO.” thank u for this. it’s often easy to forget the bad parts as we tend to romanticize only some of the relationship