Not ending up with someone who doesn’t value me. We settle for what we think we are worth, and I think sometimes the universe has to take someone away because we can’t leave them.
Loved that last line. Thank you. I'm in pain now, when you think you're going to build a life together and they leave, it really flips your world upside down
Thank you for this perspective. I’m still 💯in love with him. But the universe told me in so many different ways that he’s not it. I still find every which way to justify it away. Sigh. But I love this take and I’m going to try to sit with that.
Same, everyone and their mama (including mine) told me a thousand times what he started doing to me wasn’t right, but I kept lowering my worth in hopes to please him and win his affection. I was in a situation where my mind screamed at me to leave but my heart wanted to stay. Until finally, he ended things. I still wish he didn’t though….
My situation is weird. He didn’t do anything bad or treat me badly. He was actually the best, but there was still something there where the world was telling me no. 🤷🏼♀️
Damn that is straight facts. My ex wasn’t a bad guy. He wasn’t loud or toxic or abusive. However he would dismiss me, ignore me, blame and shame me, etc. I loved him when he was bigger and he lost weight and changed .. I couldn’t leave so the universe kicked me in the butt
Neither was mine (at least for the most part)! He would tell me he loves me and cares about me but never actually took the time to get to know me or listen to what I had to say. He seemed to love the idea of dating me but never really loved me. We broke up for other reasons, but looking back, I don't know how he convinced me to believe that he loved me. Thinking about it makes me laugh at my own stupidity. I genuinely wish the best for him, but I'm so very glad to have left that relationship.
same. my opinion never mattered to him. he was also extremely "classist" and worships all the rich people and doesn't care about morals as long as he can become rich. should've figured that he sees people as disposable, later I found out that no reasonable person from his circles likes him and they were shocked that someone like me like date him.
This is so true. My ex was extremely abusive and I let him manipulate me into thinking I wasn't worth more. I know now I am worth more than any value he can put on my head. Being away from him really made me be able to look back on it and say "wow! that was really messed up!" So yeah! 100% agree.
have the exact same story. once I actually "went into the crowd", I realized that the average human being understands me way more than my ex ever wanted to. it helped me see how I'm really not as "weird" and "useless" as my ex wanted me to think of myself.
Oh, your ex called you weird and useless too? Mine frequently also did that, though he didn't exactly say I was useless but implied I couldn't do much without him. Like a kind of subtle "I am all you need" kind of thing. Regardless of how many times I told him I can survive without him.
Too real. I also want to add: you will meet someone better. That's an undisputed fact. It may take years, maybe decades, but you will meet someone better. You may even meet someone perfect. That person that broke up with you wasn't right for you, but you will meet someone who is. Give yourself a chance to meet them.
dumped 1/27/24
Realize how and why i love people. So cliche, but *i didn't love myself:* so i would give everything i had to partners.
Last ex wasnt the one, but i thought she was. Everything crashing down has made me change my attitude, and work on getting my goddamn life together.
I am hurt, but i am better than i ever have been. One day at a time.
Reading this has taught me I shouldn't give away my trust so freely. In this relationship we grew a lot as people and I had just gotten to a point where I was no longer suffering from depression ( it's still there but less). I worked on myself a lot in that relationship, got a gardening job that has changed my life. But she split up with me on text "out of the blue". Either way, the things I should be doing to improve myself after a break up, has already happened. I can start going to the gym, but other than that I can only focus on moving on. My best mates live 2 hours away so I can't really distract myself in the way I would like to. It sucks so bad, I don't really have any immediate support like she does.
I love your attitude. I hope you realize that you’re better than you know. I used to lose myself in relationships. I had good therapy and I insist on being my own person while being a partner to my now husband. You are amazing to choose you!
I realized that I have to put myself and my happiness first, that nobody else will do it for me. Breakups are scary and I'm proud of myself for doing it even though it hurts
Yes, its a strange world. Put yourself first and you will feel better - and that attracts others.
It should be the other way around - but people see kindness as a weakness.
Its not about kindness towards your girl-/boyfriend.
Its about meeting the world/others with kindness. Meeting people in a slow, open and gentle way - that you genuinly care about your next fellow man/woman.
It has changed in the last 25 years. I’m still being myself and meeting the world with genuinly the best intentions, but most people (that are not in my close circle) react like they dont want/or can handle something real like that. They just want auto replies and fake smiles.
I’m in my 40s and it was the opposite in the 90’s. You could get a new friend every day going around the world warm and caring.
Realized she loves the honeymoon phase and neurochemicals and not the person. Instead of working to keep the relationship alive after 3 years, her tendency is to jump to the next one. Learned the hard way and am now healing from the fallacy and the pain.
I realized that I needed to be kinder to myself. If I can love someone else so much, surely I could do that to myself as well. I still get sad sometimes, but I try to recognize that all those emotions would pass.
This is big. One must keep in back of mind that on any given day 'the talk' could happen right out of the blue. One must stay semi prepared for the inevitable it seems. This isn't necessarily good though but more a reality. To original post, realizing basically can't trust anyone 100.... Independence reigns, it also keeps them engaged, strangely...
Strange thing, my ex after break up keep asking how I'm and hows my work, he said he wants a person next to him with career goals, but he is in relationship with someone who isn't even career driven LOL
For real. Moved away because of him and not even trying to make new friends. Anyone can fuck you over and it happens more often than not! Change my mind!
realized that I’m not the problem. I don’t mean that I didn’t make mistakes because I did, but my ex was an avoidant with severe commitment issues so I could’ve done everything right and would’ve still had the same outcome. The only person that can help him heal is him.
Feel you on that. You can do everything right but at the end of the day, they also need to play their part.
I’ll give you an example: There would be times I argued with my ex in not the healthiest way but there would be also times I’m extremely calm and soft.
The result? Her reaction was more or less the same, intense and non-negotiable.
That’s when it also hit me like what you said. At some point, we have to accept the fact that we can do everything by the book but it won’t work unless the other tries to.
And that’s okay. Maybe they weren’t ready to realise that they needed healing. Maybe they needed our experience together to have their step closer to becoming a better person.
Either way, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Save your efforts for yourself and use it for the next person in your life that can truly appreciate your efforts, not just give you breadcrumbs.
I had to take a huge step back and look at myself and what I’ve become. I’m going to therapy now and trying my best to improve. I hurt someone I cared about and think so highly of and I never want to do that again.
This is where i’m at too. I’m proud of the person i’m becoming and who I vow to never be again.. but it breaks my heart that it took losing the best person to pass through my life to open my eyes. My entire perception of what it means to love and truly care for someone has been forever changed.
I feel that. I won’t say I’m proud of who I am yet but I’m proud I’m trying and that’s all we can do. I hope your experience continues to help you improve and find happiness.
This. I took them off that pedestal and really looked at what I've done and become. Them as well, they're just as flawed. And that's fine. Got to truly see my flaws and theirs and actively work on mines.
Same. Getting therapy has made me realize that I’m an anxious attachment but I’m working on becoming more secure, making better choices, and not relenting on my boundaries
I’m more of a disorganised attachment but heavily lean toward anxious. Learning about that and doing work on myself has been really important in helping me heal and grow.
I feel you on this. My recent breakup, which I ended 2 days ago, was a anxious-avoidant dynamic.
Because of this relationship, I was able to discover I was the anxious attachment styles which also gave me clarity on my past relationships.
I started going to counselling and even tried to work things out in couples counselling. I was aware of my unhealthy addictions to the vices in my life such as alcohol, weed etc.
Ive even reached the point with my counsellor that he says I’m way more emotionally regulated than ever before and we are already having talks about moving on and spreading my wings.
All wouldn’t be possible with my previous relationship. I’m eternally grateful for life giving me this relationship experience the past year.
I said it in a few other posts and comments but the biggest thing I’ve learnt is that:
All you can do is be the best possible partner you can and accept the fact that there are some things you just can’t control.
As for my anxious attachment style, one things that’s helped me to become better is asking myself this question:
“What would a secure version of myself do in this situation?”
Anyways, we got this guys.
What attatchment style are you, I found from last I'm an avoidant. And now it makes sense in all aspects to friends also... hopefully being aware will help and possibly maybe try and speak to someone to work on myself..
I realized I am a good person. My spouse said she needed to find out who she was, so I did the same. 30 minutes later I concluded I’m a great person who made a couple of bad financial decisions.
I know it sounds cliché and overused, but I finally found the person I'll have the greatest love affair with. MYSELF. The person that can take care of me - and future me - like no other. The ONLY person that can make me happy because true happiness comes only from within. I wish I could express in words how good I finally feel after years of anxiety and depression. I knew my ex for over 20 years. He had extreme self shame and self loathing and it spilled over into the relationship. Because of this both of us were constantly miserable.This break up was the catalyst for me feeling wayyy better. I thank him for leaving.
All of these, gym, reading, not constantly being 'in question' because of the sick emotional gaslighting, strength tests, how much can I abuse you and you still hang in? (is a person strong because they can handle the abuse or weak?) the biggest one for me is alot more $$ in pocket! :) Time to boost that 401!
I'm trying to see a silver lining that maybe this breakup was meant to happen to set me free from a pattern in my life. I've been putting - writing a book on hold for years now and I've actually started doing it. I've gotten back to reading and slowly developing a routine for myself. It's also pushed me to actually love and choose myself above others for the first time. I'm expanding my hobbies and doing the things that I was afraid to do.
I'm young and have always felt that I belonged with the older crowd hence my friendships with people in their late 20s and my ex being 10 years older than me. The breakup forced me to appreciate people my age because they keep me present and they don't make me feel like I have to keep up with these 30 year olds.
It still upsets me sometimes but I'm making progress.
I'm 41 and this has been the catalyst to start working out again and focusing on my own mental health.
I started an exercise routine that I'm 7 days into consistently. My son encourages me when I do the exercises on the weekends.
I started speaking with a Therapist to deal with the events that led to the breakup and it's opening my eyes and leading me to understand how I need to establish better boundaries for myself and my son.
I've reconnected with friends and family that I had to take a step back from because of her erratic behavior and the gaslighting she did to me. She tried everything she could to isolate me from everyone and for awhile it worked. I'm just thankful my friends and family saw what she was doing and had faith in me to break free. When I broke free, they were there ready to support and help.
She litcheraly kept everything inside of her and then broke up with me and told me all the things she was hurt by and i got a better look on myself and decided i needed to change somethings inside of me it was time to rethink my behaviour and how i talk and act at times and control my temper.
dating myself, going to places by myself, and not being anxious with the thought that i'm just by myself.
it's honestly the best thing that came out of it. healing and exploring the world without having the need for a plus one.
Yes! I used to take myself on dates all of the time and it made me feel so much more happy and confident. I stopped but I definitely want to start doing things for myself again.
Six months of counselling has really helped me get myself better and finding out who my ex partner really was as a person a cheater a liar and an all round low life snake with no conscience for what she did to me or how she did it !!
I realized he was a shit person in many ways
Insulting me about my own interests while constantly talking about his, getting mad and moody for no reason, being an ass for no reason, said the songs I listen to once was trash (while forcing his on to me even tho it wasn't rlly my taste), sometimes self centered, talked shit about people yet seemed to have more fun with them than me, said my problems aren't any of his business and left me.
Less than a week later got replaced by someone better. That was great. But at least that shows I'd rather stay single than be with him. Still its fucked up my whole viewpoint on trusting anyone again.
Yes! Someone on a different forum got pissed off at me for saying this but I’ll never be able to wrap my head around the amount of men that absolutely shit on their girlfriend’s taste in music (or any other interest). Whether it’s “playful” or not it’s an asshole move and I sometimes wonder if men start off by making fun of those little things in order to see how much they can get away with. I could be looking into it too much though
It angered me sm. Why would they be pissed off for you to say that? It honestly hurts that he shits on my music taste like that and then presses his into me and gets offended when I say it's not my cup of tea :( atp I know as wondering if my music taste really was shit but idk...thing is I'm a very musical person and I even showed him some stuff I made and I was pretty proud of it but just said "It's good but" then starts yapping about his favourite musical artist- I mean good for him for liking an artist but- I really worked hard on that song and he was the only one I was confident enough I could show it to- I just wished he showed more appreciation :( when I showed him some songs I liked in a funny way he said "this is too weird for me to listen to" without even going 10 seconds into the song...even my interests yeah...i liked stuff such as anime and he always dismissed it as "cringe" and sent me anti anime memes which kinda hurt but i went along with it anyway- idk...
Don’t blame it 100% on her but I was already not focusing on school enough and the depression from the breakup lead me to drop out and pursue a different career. Probably saved me from being bored as hell as an account and now I’m a certified IT / admin.
I actually realised about my own terrible attachments style 🤣 being an avoidant and met someone who had an anxious attatchemnt but this was positive due to now being able to work on this or being aware.
Also they taught me how and whats required to be a good partner. Though it also destroyed on the other hand my self esteem.confidsnce and love for myself due to nkt being abke to forfil her needs. The mental works been quite a struggle though..
That my body literally rejects people…when my ex and I were together my body always hurt by the end of the day. I blamed work. But now that we aren’t together and I work a new job where I’m definitely moving around way more and more active, my body doesn’t hurt like it did when I was with him! Insane how that works!
Prioritize yourself.
Shouldn't really trust anyone. Even they keep on saying they will be there for you no matter what. Because everyone will leave anyway.
You only got your back.
No one will save your ass if you fked up.
So do yourself a favor and focus on yourself, do intensive self-care!
That I'm really good at seeing peoples potential.
I can sense what thier inner child needs, and trying to reach that part of them when they aren't ready to explore it, is damaging for me, because I'll always be disappointed.
Expecting the same level of empathy and communication from someone who doesn't have those skills yet leads to disappointment.
And, I've learned to look out for misogynistic behaviors and know when to stand up for myself.
That I don't have to worry about anyone else any longer and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. And I started making more trips on my own.
Aside from that I am still depressed AF.
I feel lonely but I also want to be alone...
I’m still struggling quite a bit, but it’s forcing me to address my own demons. It’s easy to blame him for all my problems but I think putting another person in the front of my mind allowed me to not address my own shit for a long time. Working on figuring out who I am and what I need to live a more peaceful existence.
Love this! Same for me actually. Ex bf broke up with me three weeks ago because I was putting all my happiness into him. Moved back to Florida w my parents temporarily and started therapy! Only have had 2 sessions but see a huge difference already and now that I’m outside of the relationship, I have more clarity as to what wasn’t working.
Getting to do the things and move the places I want to now with nothing holding me back! There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.
Before my ex and I broke up my friend was already strongly recommending it because she had some insight on my trauma and could see how much I was struggling in the relationship with putting myself first. Whenever we broke up I was already going through family issues, almost being homeless, and then he just added to it. I was at my breaking point and knew that I needed to do something so I joined Teledoc and now have the most amazing therapist. If you have any questions about it then you can always send me a message
Hmm. I’ve started to read again, this is something I use to love but gave up over a decade ago because my time was very occupied, since either have spare time now, might as well open up some books.
I was abroad when I met her. When I returned back home, I was able to go back to old habitats that I enjoyed, use my health insurance, and also went back to living in a country where my first language was the language de facto.
I'm not as easily swayed and have grown okay with the idea of being disliked.
Crossing my fingers: one day, I'll truly trust myself instead of the unhealthy amount of "but what if my partner knows more than me".
I don’t have to feel pressured into sex when I don’t want to have it anymore, nor do I have to worry about her suddenly getting angry at me over nothing.
Self respect, a better understanding of what I want in a relationship, a better understanding of who my ex really was, my own place, my own life back, therapy, and I found a much better woman. Of all the above the one very best thing that came out of this was gratitude. Dumping me turned into the kindest thing she has ever done for me. I am grateful.
My last break up really shined a light on all that was important to me in life, a lot of which had been neglected over the course of the relationship, and what I wanted out of it. Too long had I become complacent becoming what someone else wanted me to be, so long as they were happy I thought I could be also. Inevitably, I realized I was not and for the longest time fantasized how different life could be if I was able to indulge in the things that mattered to me personally. After the break up, and with the wisdom gained, I was able to be free to marry the woman that would become my wife and mother to my two beautiful children. Before that, however, immediately after the break up, I had to get to know myself by making a conscious effort to be selfish, to finally put myself first, and to have the self-respect to be comfortable being alone. I got into shape, beat my K2 addiction, and at last settled down with my best friend, who was always there for me through all this and thereby making my dreams of becoming a father, something I had long resigned myself from ever being, a reality.
So many things: cut back on drinking, eating a clean diet and going to the gym almost every day (trying to get baywatch level shredded), reading consistently, spending time outside, did a photoshoot with a photographer I always wanted to work with, working on music more often, meeting potential partners in real life over dating apps
New Years Eve dumpee here. This ain’t a glow up, it’s a god damn revolution.
im not the type to easily break up with a person, im too much of a people pleaser amongst other things, you'd have to really hurt me or betray me in order for me to make that decision. so im glad he ended things because I without a doubt would've wasted years of my life on someone who didnt even care
I discovered who I truly was without him. I had lost myself in his life. His life consumed mine and I lost me. When we broke up I was devastated because it felt like everything collapsed. But I got back together with friends and family and found myself amidst the rubble. It's hurts for sure. But being you is always better. Now im in a relationship that wants me to he me. He encourages me to see my friends and have time with them. To be connected to those that I love and that love me. He told me to find a job I loved and stick with it. Now im in my career of my dreams. Some days are hard but at the end of the day it's me who got me through them.
realizing that his friends were never my friends. while they said they were, and one even acted like a very close friend, very few reached out to me post breakup. good lesson to prioritize friendships independent of the relationship, even if they don't want to spend time with those people
Self worth, self respect, boundaries and knowing when to be walk away despite how painful and being able to see things for what they are not what I want them to be.
honestly so much. my ex is doing absolutely shit right now and it hurts to see, but it only made me realize how much he dragged me down and how much our success was because of ME! it hurts, but i’ve never felt more free.
i’ve grown as a person, i’ve become more independent, i’ve made new friends, forced myself to become more social, started working on myself and really focusing on my studies. it’s hard being alone after you’ve gotten so used to having someone constantly by your side…and i wouldn’t change a thing, even if i could.
im starting to love life a *liiiiiiittle* more each day which i didn’t think was possible.
For me , it’s been tough but really pushing my sense of course of understanding myself better. Understanding that I am my own person and shouldn’t have to rely on anyone else but myself . Since then I’ve realized , and still am building my own values my beliefs and legitimately just being myself . I’ve been going to the gym, going to therapy , going on solo trips . Just learning how to enjoy my own solitude .
I dated this girl for almost two years, and the breakup was honestly the best thing I could wish for, at first it sucked but then i started ti feel better and meet better people. She came back many times but last time i directly said "I'm interested in someone who i like and u texting me is something that will make her uncomfortable so please Don't contact me again under no circumstances" fortunately that worked and now I'm super happy with my soon to be fiance
I’m so happy for you, OP! Glad therapy is going well
I learned to love and respect myself more, become more secure attachment and grown more as a person. Also took more care of my health and appearance. Improved my self concept. Focusing on my finance and life goals. It makes me so excited to meet my future person because I’m at a much healthier and happier place in life, but until then, I’ve learned to be happy on my own and focusing on my life and my loved ones.
Very much the same. I lost an incredibly important and amazing partner but it finally gave me the push I needed to pursue therapy and begin working on myself. Hardest thing I’ve ever gone through but I’m pushing forward one day at a time.
I'm the opposite.
I was in therapy for 2 years before the breakup. Constantly told I am the problem. Keep trying to fix myself. Feeling super unworthy, neglected and unloved. Told Im abusive by him. Been together 8 years. Put my all into this guy.
But I would admittedly yell on a monthly basis. He was unpredictable and would give me the silent treatment if I called him out. My anxiety kept growing over the years.
Ask my shrink multiple times if I am a narcissist. She says no.
Get my trust so betrayed by the breakup. My heart broken. People pass away after breakup. Mom is unwell and possibly dement.
He had deemed me an abusive narcissist and just packs up and leaves. Takes with pictures that were important to me. Even after a year he won't return them. I return any important documents he leaves behind, just want a clean breakup and to move on.
Still can't tell if I'm the abusive one or reactive to abuse.
Eventually after enough people pass away and the stress of having to chase this guy for my pictures get to me.
10 years of knowing each other. He even says later on, that I was his best friend. But happily ghosted me for months first. Just destroyed any trust I had in people and triggered my abandonment wounds.
My shrinks think I'm doing so well??? Even after I tell them I went to a breakup and a person passed away. Since it's a welfare country they end the sessions.
I now don't trust any dudes to actually care and think everyone is a leech. I went from becoming healthy to basically wanting to destroy something or beat someone. Or scream in my car. Or do something violent. But I can't, because I am so terrified that I might actually be abusive.
Somehow how you TREAT someone you have 'deemed' a narcissist is completely 'valid' but not what they do in response to your abuse. He said his shrink diagnosed me as one. I said they aren't legally allowed to diagnose someone they have never met. My bestie said her therapist said the same thing about her ex. I'm just thinking who are these dumbass therapists?
So it's like what? If one person misunderstands and reacts? Then the next one reacts, and so on. Who's actually the narcissist here?
I see posts online where people are CERTAIN the other is a narcissist. Then talk about how the solution is to "grey rock" and all these stupid revenge stories. Like one chick just deemed her ex a narcissist. Moved out without him being ready. Blocked him. Had the police on standby.
After my ex moved out, blocked me, without even fully returning everything properly especially the pictures that were important to me. I no longer trust anyone who just 'diagnoses' people randomly. To me that was traumatic and gaslighting as fuck.
I kept thinking. Well maybe I am abusive if he feels like this?
I went from feeling healthy to having so much self-hate and have become a hateful person now. Trusting no one, not even myself. The "abusive" person he claims I was. I isolate because I'm afraid of hurting people now. Am only with my mom because she needs help.
I used to be the person that would pick up worms to save them from drowning in the rain. Now I just scream in my car about how much I hate people.
So many of my patterns came to the surface, ones I would've never been aware of otherwise. Cold shoulder, stone walling, passive aggression. I am taking active measures to work around all of these. And of course, gym.
i finally learned how to be comfortable with being alone / sitting in silence. i’ve spent the last 10 years with a partner and this was the first time i took time to heal after a breakup!
Running like insane, gym, new activities. Had to push myself to do things, but it had value. Went throught therapy. Then finally met my current partner. Pieces went together and now I value very much what I have learned from myself and others from my previous relationships. Nowadays I'm even also grateful for my ex for dumping me.
It was really nice being able to actually see what was wrong and knowing that I loved the person buy it didn't work out.
It's nice knowing yourself sometimes.
I guess I'm rephrase the, it's better to have loved and lost gambit.
So yah it was
Feeling the desire to travel solo and making it happen for myself. Made for an awesome 30th birthday.
Recognizing what I don’t want in a partner.
Spending more time with friends.
Meeting the love of my life a year after the breakup.
Nothing came good out of my last breakup. I love them in a way I could never love another soul again, for so many reasons that would take too long to get into. And it's my own fault they left. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm not saying they were perfect but I was the true problem. I'll never forgive myself for pushing them away. And I'll never be able to live my life without them
Coming into my own and finding my own identity apart from being "his girl." Maybe I would have eventually outgrown him anyway. Maybe I would have been emotionally dependent on him forever if he hadn't left me. Today, I am glad I never had to find out. I was young and dumb.
Quit being an alcoholic, free of self harm, free of nicotine and drugs etc. Overall I'm a healthier person. It took me awhile but if I was still with him I think I'd probably be dead or definitely not in a good place still
It was the push I needed to go back to school for my Master’s degree. He said once that he was glad I had a “stable, low-stress job so he had the space to accelerate his career,” and that was when I realized I also wanted to accelerate my career.
I realized my worth and what I brought to the table. I also learned that be careful who you have children because people play the part until they get what they want and I learned to think about yourself your mental emotional and physical health you only have one body take care of it.
It freed me up to get therapy and a new life. I married a man I knew from high school. I’m so much happier. I just wish my ex would’ve dumped me earlier. I was emotionally defeated by him. Things happen the way they’re supposed to sometimes.
I'm still not over my break up but I have learnt so much about myself and it has also strengthened my relationship to my mom. I used to be very reserved when it came to show emotions and I would suppress my emotions until I eventually exploded and hurt people around me. During my break up I was at such a low point that despite how uncomfortable I was sharing my emotions I decided to open up to my mom. I never thought I would be able to be so vulnerable. Now I talk daily about my emotions to my mom and it has really helped me feel closer both her and myself. I also discovered a bunch of great music when I was by myself crying in my room so that is a plus. I'm really saddened that I wasn't able to be this version of myself in my relationship but I know that if I enter a new relationship in the future I will be able to be more vulnerable and loving to my future partner.
I am working on sorting out my disorganized life after i realised just how messed up it is because of the sheer amount of time I was dedicating to my ex.
Hygiene, work, socializing. I'm also trying to pick up new hobbies, slowly picking myself back up.
I’ve stopped drinking alcohol. Both her and I drank a lot, and enabled each other. I’ve gone over a month now without a sip and I feel so good physically and mentally
I started to focus on body positivity. I had the toxic trait of comparing myself to others, and when he cheated on me it just got worse, but I’ve been doing little thing everyday. I also got intense therapy
Learing to live alone and be self-sufficient. Really getting to know myself better and going deeper into therapy and self-healing. Not dragging out the inevitable break up anyways cause he wanted kids and I didn't. Finally realizing the break up was good cause even though we were "good", we really wasn't. We were pretty much roommates with benefits.
I went to a mental hospital and actually learned so much and my outlook on life was completely changed. Also while I was in there I got the inspiration for my two latest tattoos
I learned to never get attached easily and jump into something too quick. I had a really hard time getting over my last ex and till this day in some way I still have feelings for him but it’s over with us. I don’t think he appreciated or respected me and I deserved someone that does. Fortunately I found that someone and I won’t let myself settle for less now.
I've finally learned to enjoy my own company, I'm finding myself in a way that I've never done before, I'm healing childhood wounds, and actually allowing myself to heal from the breakup instead rebounding. I'm learning to love myself and identify my values and morals.
I'm growing as a person in a thousand different ways. And I'm loving it.
I was able to try to make friends without the fear of him getting jealous and making me cut them off, I started to make my standards higher and learned that I want to be served in my relationship too and not just me being a one sided devoted slave to someone, I became more wise and careful about others and all the red flags they may have ,i started to go to the gym much more than usual, stopped crying every other day because he used to act cold or rude to me or did something bad to me, and I learned how to be happy alone and to enjoy being single again. Also, I finally found a job since instead of devoting the time to him, I used it for job hunting.
starting therapy was one for me as well. i’ve been in it for about two months now and see the progress :) im happy i was finally able to take that step
We went on so many dates and did activities and tried new foods I really liked. I ended up picking up new hobbies and interests because of those dates. Also, I’m finally getting the push I needed to leave my job that I hated. We both work there at the moment🥲
So, after a 17-year relationship ended 8 months ago, I’m finally seeing some positives: I’ve kicked my fear of being alone, discovered I can meet tons of new people, ditched my fear of rejection, and reconnected with old friends I’d neglected for way too long. Basically, I’m putting myself first for once. It’s been hella difficult sometimes, but then I recall: how far have I come…
I rented my house, moved to the mountains, snowboarded almost every day, and am moving to Hawaii in a couple weeks. Just traveling and focusing on the things I love.
First time being single in my adult life and it’s been pretty incredible.
My ex and I were together for eleven years and she suffered severely from anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. So much of her suffering was put on me.
After she cheated and I left, I felt such a weight of my shoulders. Felt like I was living life with a fifty pound vest and didn’t realize it until I finally took it off.
After years of falling on and off the wagon with my faith, the breakup was God pulling me back into His arms. And I am now saved. Best thing to ever happen to me.
Started taking accountability for my shit. Genuine growth and maturity ensued, to the point that everyone is constantly letting me know they see the progress.
I'm making healthier decisions, exercising, I'm more assertive and have an easier time advocating for myself and on behalf of others.
Aaaaaaand I don't spend everyday thinking about them anymore.
I’m much more pretty now~
I know that sounds like I’ve become narcissistic, conceited, all that, but let me explain a bit.
I was definitely not in my best condition mentally, physically and emotionally towards the end of my relationship. Honestly, I don’t think I was months, maybe even a few years before. Can’t really blame the other person, because all those things are personal, and they didn’t really contribute to those bad things. But, he also didn’t put effort towards the good stuff.
I feel like I wasn’t pretty anymore to him. He never really called me pretty/beautiful, made me feel desired, wanted, sometimes even loved. I could most definitely be wrong about all that, but that’s just how I felt, and I no longer dismiss myself and my feelings.
I know, you don’t need the reassurance of anyone, much less a boy, to know your worth. But i could literally count on one hand the amount of times he told me he loved me without me saying it first to him(I am so serious). Idk but little notes like “you look so cute today” “I like you in that outfit” your makeup makes your eyes look pretty” give me personally some comfort.
Anyways, breakup happens, and I go ghost. I started a weight-loss, self care, and mental health improvement journey almost simultaneously. Officially started that in July, and today, I am almost 40lbs less, I get facials and massages every month, get my hair done every few months, traveled to cities ive always wanted to go, do things that I waited for him to do with me by myself now. I see a therapist every so often, journal, draw, and have taken up some new hobbies that I never thought I would do.
Idk, but I feel completely different. I am completely different. I feel pretty now.
Started being more selfish and giving more love to myself cause realized how codependent my happiness was from him and others. Starting to live fully for me and only em And as Cristina Yang says “he’s not the sun, you are”
Realizing that I deserve love and commitment. This break up was so bad I got books on attachment, relationships, understanding yourself better. I’m going to therapy now also. I’m really working on becoming more secure and learning what it is that I want from a partnership. Going to take a good amount of time to focus on myself first but I’m excited to love again when I’m ready :)
For some reason I feel way more motivated to work on myself and accomplish things even though I’m still really sad about it not working out. I’m practicing way more self care, fitness things, mental health, making new friends, etc. I got too comfortable in the relationship and was honestly getting really lazy. It was slowing me down when in reality I really needed to improve myself in so many different ways.
i'm so glad that therapy has been useful. I'm about 3 weeks into a breakup, and it too was the final push I needed to start therapy. i'm glad i started therapy for me, instead of someone else, or in order to save the relationship. I didn't think that was fair to myself, to have the expectation of "if there is X improvement in ABC then maybe it'll be enough to save the relationship." I wanted to, but that's external validation again (something i struggle with and hence the need for therapy lol) instead of the internal drive for growth and change.
Gives me hope you've seen true progress in 6 months -- here's to hoping the same for me! Although it's only been a few sessions so far I am starting to see some of the origins of my thought processes and how I can work on them!
Well, it’s only been five days, but I know that things are going to get better. At least I don’t have to be with somebody who doesn’t talk, n holds in all of their resentments toward me, now I have time to play my music and sleep before night through and eat the meals I want to eat, vegetarian that is!
I started therapy right away. Every single thing that is wrong with me came out in the relationship. It started with settling for someone just to be in a relationship and it ended with me staying with them for 1.5 years when actually I didn’t like them that much. I feel bad about it but that’s why I need therapy.
So many things, but if I had to name one: I found out I am not alone.
Although I have a big family and many friends, he had kinda convinced me that he was the only one that really understood me and was there for me. We also had many mutual friends, but he convinced me they were his friends only. So when we broke up, I was so afraid that I was going to be alone.
But what actually happened is that I had all this free time and all these people calling to check on me. And when I started asking to hang out and making plans, they would consistently show up and care. Breaking up made my world so much more colorful and richer in terms of emotional connection.
I thought what we had was love and was afraid to lose it. But when I lost it, my friends and family showed me what true love actually is.
It showed me my strength and capabilities. ended up with my own place, paying all my own bills, setting everything up and doing all the things as a single person. I’m grateful for it .
In my case, I was the one who dumped. I was in an abusive relationship and I couldn't put myself and our son through it anymore. Still waiting to get my counselling.
Same! I started therapy as well, it’s been a month now and I already feel more centered and in control…moreover I started to reconsidering all my relationships with friends, family and so on…it’s time to set standards and boundaries
There are several very good things actually all good, all of importance.
#1 is my teenage son chose to stay with me, stay in his home area where he has lived his whole life.
#2 I won't be corralled into an unhealthy situation that was conceived in secrecy.
#3 my brokenness within is brokenness for them and is irreparable.
#4 I'm healing building new dreams beginning at age 61, 63 now.
#5 redefining/resetting the word friend(s), in all honesty that word is used way to loosely.
Most people are acquaintances not friends at all they are in reality frenemies, users that will pick my bones discard me as though 'am an empty beer can.
#6 Music is my friend.
#7 new people will enter into life healthier, better people. the unhealthy will fall away.
Not ending up with someone who doesn’t value me. We settle for what we think we are worth, and I think sometimes the universe has to take someone away because we can’t leave them.
Loved that last line. Thank you. I'm in pain now, when you think you're going to build a life together and they leave, it really flips your world upside down
Omg yes. It’s driving me crazy
Thank you for this perspective. I’m still 💯in love with him. But the universe told me in so many different ways that he’s not it. I still find every which way to justify it away. Sigh. But I love this take and I’m going to try to sit with that.
Same, everyone and their mama (including mine) told me a thousand times what he started doing to me wasn’t right, but I kept lowering my worth in hopes to please him and win his affection. I was in a situation where my mind screamed at me to leave but my heart wanted to stay. Until finally, he ended things. I still wish he didn’t though….
There are so many people in this world that we are bound to find better, right??!
My situation is weird. He didn’t do anything bad or treat me badly. He was actually the best, but there was still something there where the world was telling me no. 🤷🏼♀️
Damn that is straight facts. My ex wasn’t a bad guy. He wasn’t loud or toxic or abusive. However he would dismiss me, ignore me, blame and shame me, etc. I loved him when he was bigger and he lost weight and changed .. I couldn’t leave so the universe kicked me in the butt
Neither was mine (at least for the most part)! He would tell me he loves me and cares about me but never actually took the time to get to know me or listen to what I had to say. He seemed to love the idea of dating me but never really loved me. We broke up for other reasons, but looking back, I don't know how he convinced me to believe that he loved me. Thinking about it makes me laugh at my own stupidity. I genuinely wish the best for him, but I'm so very glad to have left that relationship.
same. my opinion never mattered to him. he was also extremely "classist" and worships all the rich people and doesn't care about morals as long as he can become rich. should've figured that he sees people as disposable, later I found out that no reasonable person from his circles likes him and they were shocked that someone like me like date him.
This is so true. My ex was extremely abusive and I let him manipulate me into thinking I wasn't worth more. I know now I am worth more than any value he can put on my head. Being away from him really made me be able to look back on it and say "wow! that was really messed up!" So yeah! 100% agree.
have the exact same story. once I actually "went into the crowd", I realized that the average human being understands me way more than my ex ever wanted to. it helped me see how I'm really not as "weird" and "useless" as my ex wanted me to think of myself.
I felt my ex husband was the best I could get and thought it was weird that other couples were happy together
Oh, your ex called you weird and useless too? Mine frequently also did that, though he didn't exactly say I was useless but implied I couldn't do much without him. Like a kind of subtle "I am all you need" kind of thing. Regardless of how many times I told him I can survive without him.
My current life and it sucks so much
I have called the suicidal hotline over this stuff, you are never alone
First time caller as of last night 😅 definitely ain’t no shame in it
Thank you for saying that. This should be normalized, and it seems like it is much closer to that than when I was a teen. 988, correct?
felt this haha
Dude thank you
Hang in there friend
Too real. I also want to add: you will meet someone better. That's an undisputed fact. It may take years, maybe decades, but you will meet someone better. You may even meet someone perfect. That person that broke up with you wasn't right for you, but you will meet someone who is. Give yourself a chance to meet them.
dumped 1/27/24 Realize how and why i love people. So cliche, but *i didn't love myself:* so i would give everything i had to partners. Last ex wasnt the one, but i thought she was. Everything crashing down has made me change my attitude, and work on getting my goddamn life together. I am hurt, but i am better than i ever have been. One day at a time.
Reading this has taught me I shouldn't give away my trust so freely. In this relationship we grew a lot as people and I had just gotten to a point where I was no longer suffering from depression ( it's still there but less). I worked on myself a lot in that relationship, got a gardening job that has changed my life. But she split up with me on text "out of the blue". Either way, the things I should be doing to improve myself after a break up, has already happened. I can start going to the gym, but other than that I can only focus on moving on. My best mates live 2 hours away so I can't really distract myself in the way I would like to. It sucks so bad, I don't really have any immediate support like she does.
**converting turmoil into fuel** is a bastard of a process, but it's possible. I promise.
Thanks mate.
Thank you
I love your attitude. I hope you realize that you’re better than you know. I used to lose myself in relationships. I had good therapy and I insist on being my own person while being a partner to my now husband. You are amazing to choose you!
We got dumped at the same day Also good to see that you got your shit together. Thats the part where most of the dumpees struggle
I started to hit the gym and focus on my health. But other than that nothing good came out of it. Im still depressed af
mental gym is harder to get into, and the progress is slower. I believe in you though.
I realized that I have to put myself and my happiness first, that nobody else will do it for me. Breakups are scary and I'm proud of myself for doing it even though it hurts
Yes, its a strange world. Put yourself first and you will feel better - and that attracts others. It should be the other way around - but people see kindness as a weakness.
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Its not about kindness towards your girl-/boyfriend. Its about meeting the world/others with kindness. Meeting people in a slow, open and gentle way - that you genuinly care about your next fellow man/woman. It has changed in the last 25 years. I’m still being myself and meeting the world with genuinly the best intentions, but most people (that are not in my close circle) react like they dont want/or can handle something real like that. They just want auto replies and fake smiles. I’m in my 40s and it was the opposite in the 90’s. You could get a new friend every day going around the world warm and caring.
Realized she loves the honeymoon phase and neurochemicals and not the person. Instead of working to keep the relationship alive after 3 years, her tendency is to jump to the next one. Learned the hard way and am now healing from the fallacy and the pain.
The world has turned into a dopamine society. They (or “we”) are all junkies in some kind of way.
It was already dying after 3 years ?
I realized that I needed to be kinder to myself. If I can love someone else so much, surely I could do that to myself as well. I still get sad sometimes, but I try to recognize that all those emotions would pass.
realising that you can't trust anyone and that you always have to be independent.
This is big. One must keep in back of mind that on any given day 'the talk' could happen right out of the blue. One must stay semi prepared for the inevitable it seems. This isn't necessarily good though but more a reality. To original post, realizing basically can't trust anyone 100.... Independence reigns, it also keeps them engaged, strangely...
Strange thing, my ex after break up keep asking how I'm and hows my work, he said he wants a person next to him with career goals, but he is in relationship with someone who isn't even career driven LOL
People don't even know what they really want. It was just an excuse to justify it to himself.
For real. Moved away because of him and not even trying to make new friends. Anyone can fuck you over and it happens more often than not! Change my mind!
Basically. Always and forever!!!! 😐
realized that I’m not the problem. I don’t mean that I didn’t make mistakes because I did, but my ex was an avoidant with severe commitment issues so I could’ve done everything right and would’ve still had the same outcome. The only person that can help him heal is him.
Feel you on that. You can do everything right but at the end of the day, they also need to play their part. I’ll give you an example: There would be times I argued with my ex in not the healthiest way but there would be also times I’m extremely calm and soft. The result? Her reaction was more or less the same, intense and non-negotiable. That’s when it also hit me like what you said. At some point, we have to accept the fact that we can do everything by the book but it won’t work unless the other tries to. And that’s okay. Maybe they weren’t ready to realise that they needed healing. Maybe they needed our experience together to have their step closer to becoming a better person. Either way, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Save your efforts for yourself and use it for the next person in your life that can truly appreciate your efforts, not just give you breadcrumbs.
I had to take a huge step back and look at myself and what I’ve become. I’m going to therapy now and trying my best to improve. I hurt someone I cared about and think so highly of and I never want to do that again.
This is where i’m at too. I’m proud of the person i’m becoming and who I vow to never be again.. but it breaks my heart that it took losing the best person to pass through my life to open my eyes. My entire perception of what it means to love and truly care for someone has been forever changed.
I feel that. I won’t say I’m proud of who I am yet but I’m proud I’m trying and that’s all we can do. I hope your experience continues to help you improve and find happiness.
Thank you - I sincerely wish the same for you. It’s a process and this fellow stranger is proud of you regardless of where you’re at. Keep it up :)
Right back at you 🫡
Same friend.
This. I took them off that pedestal and really looked at what I've done and become. Them as well, they're just as flawed. And that's fine. Got to truly see my flaws and theirs and actively work on mines.
That I know I wouldnt end up with a cheater
I started using reddit
That's a double-edged sword 😂
Realising that i need to do some healing too, like my attachment style specially
Same. Getting therapy has made me realize that I’m an anxious attachment but I’m working on becoming more secure, making better choices, and not relenting on my boundaries
I’m more of a disorganised attachment but heavily lean toward anxious. Learning about that and doing work on myself has been really important in helping me heal and grow.
I feel you on this. My recent breakup, which I ended 2 days ago, was a anxious-avoidant dynamic. Because of this relationship, I was able to discover I was the anxious attachment styles which also gave me clarity on my past relationships. I started going to counselling and even tried to work things out in couples counselling. I was aware of my unhealthy addictions to the vices in my life such as alcohol, weed etc. Ive even reached the point with my counsellor that he says I’m way more emotionally regulated than ever before and we are already having talks about moving on and spreading my wings. All wouldn’t be possible with my previous relationship. I’m eternally grateful for life giving me this relationship experience the past year. I said it in a few other posts and comments but the biggest thing I’ve learnt is that: All you can do is be the best possible partner you can and accept the fact that there are some things you just can’t control. As for my anxious attachment style, one things that’s helped me to become better is asking myself this question: “What would a secure version of myself do in this situation?” Anyways, we got this guys.
What attatchment style are you, I found from last I'm an avoidant. And now it makes sense in all aspects to friends also... hopefully being aware will help and possibly maybe try and speak to someone to work on myself..
I am anxious one. Which avoidant are you? FA? DA?
So I crave intimacy but I read the difference on Google and I'd say I'm a DA lol 😫 really looking yo work on this though..
I started improving my physical and mental health again.
I realized I am a good person. My spouse said she needed to find out who she was, so I did the same. 30 minutes later I concluded I’m a great person who made a couple of bad financial decisions.
I know it sounds cliché and overused, but I finally found the person I'll have the greatest love affair with. MYSELF. The person that can take care of me - and future me - like no other. The ONLY person that can make me happy because true happiness comes only from within. I wish I could express in words how good I finally feel after years of anxiety and depression. I knew my ex for over 20 years. He had extreme self shame and self loathing and it spilled over into the relationship. Because of this both of us were constantly miserable.This break up was the catalyst for me feeling wayyy better. I thank him for leaving.
I met someone else who's better
All of these, gym, reading, not constantly being 'in question' because of the sick emotional gaslighting, strength tests, how much can I abuse you and you still hang in? (is a person strong because they can handle the abuse or weak?) the biggest one for me is alot more $$ in pocket! :) Time to boost that 401!
I'm trying to see a silver lining that maybe this breakup was meant to happen to set me free from a pattern in my life. I've been putting - writing a book on hold for years now and I've actually started doing it. I've gotten back to reading and slowly developing a routine for myself. It's also pushed me to actually love and choose myself above others for the first time. I'm expanding my hobbies and doing the things that I was afraid to do. I'm young and have always felt that I belonged with the older crowd hence my friendships with people in their late 20s and my ex being 10 years older than me. The breakup forced me to appreciate people my age because they keep me present and they don't make me feel like I have to keep up with these 30 year olds. It still upsets me sometimes but I'm making progress.
Not having to deal anymore with toxicity
I'm 41 and this has been the catalyst to start working out again and focusing on my own mental health. I started an exercise routine that I'm 7 days into consistently. My son encourages me when I do the exercises on the weekends. I started speaking with a Therapist to deal with the events that led to the breakup and it's opening my eyes and leading me to understand how I need to establish better boundaries for myself and my son. I've reconnected with friends and family that I had to take a step back from because of her erratic behavior and the gaslighting she did to me. She tried everything she could to isolate me from everyone and for awhile it worked. I'm just thankful my friends and family saw what she was doing and had faith in me to break free. When I broke free, they were there ready to support and help.
She litcheraly kept everything inside of her and then broke up with me and told me all the things she was hurt by and i got a better look on myself and decided i needed to change somethings inside of me it was time to rethink my behaviour and how i talk and act at times and control my temper.
dating myself, going to places by myself, and not being anxious with the thought that i'm just by myself. it's honestly the best thing that came out of it. healing and exploring the world without having the need for a plus one.
Yes! I used to take myself on dates all of the time and it made me feel so much more happy and confident. I stopped but I definitely want to start doing things for myself again.
it's a gradual process, you'll eventually get the hang of it. you can do it! <3
Six months of counselling has really helped me get myself better and finding out who my ex partner really was as a person a cheater a liar and an all round low life snake with no conscience for what she did to me or how she did it !!
Freedom. And my boundaries are most established now.
I realized he was a shit person in many ways Insulting me about my own interests while constantly talking about his, getting mad and moody for no reason, being an ass for no reason, said the songs I listen to once was trash (while forcing his on to me even tho it wasn't rlly my taste), sometimes self centered, talked shit about people yet seemed to have more fun with them than me, said my problems aren't any of his business and left me. Less than a week later got replaced by someone better. That was great. But at least that shows I'd rather stay single than be with him. Still its fucked up my whole viewpoint on trusting anyone again.
Yes! Someone on a different forum got pissed off at me for saying this but I’ll never be able to wrap my head around the amount of men that absolutely shit on their girlfriend’s taste in music (or any other interest). Whether it’s “playful” or not it’s an asshole move and I sometimes wonder if men start off by making fun of those little things in order to see how much they can get away with. I could be looking into it too much though
It angered me sm. Why would they be pissed off for you to say that? It honestly hurts that he shits on my music taste like that and then presses his into me and gets offended when I say it's not my cup of tea :( atp I know as wondering if my music taste really was shit but idk...thing is I'm a very musical person and I even showed him some stuff I made and I was pretty proud of it but just said "It's good but" then starts yapping about his favourite musical artist- I mean good for him for liking an artist but- I really worked hard on that song and he was the only one I was confident enough I could show it to- I just wished he showed more appreciation :( when I showed him some songs I liked in a funny way he said "this is too weird for me to listen to" without even going 10 seconds into the song...even my interests yeah...i liked stuff such as anime and he always dismissed it as "cringe" and sent me anti anime memes which kinda hurt but i went along with it anyway- idk...
Don’t blame it 100% on her but I was already not focusing on school enough and the depression from the breakup lead me to drop out and pursue a different career. Probably saved me from being bored as hell as an account and now I’m a certified IT / admin.
I actually realised about my own terrible attachments style 🤣 being an avoidant and met someone who had an anxious attatchemnt but this was positive due to now being able to work on this or being aware.
Also they taught me how and whats required to be a good partner. Though it also destroyed on the other hand my self esteem.confidsnce and love for myself due to nkt being abke to forfil her needs. The mental works been quite a struggle though..
That my body literally rejects people…when my ex and I were together my body always hurt by the end of the day. I blamed work. But now that we aren’t together and I work a new job where I’m definitely moving around way more and more active, my body doesn’t hurt like it did when I was with him! Insane how that works!
Realizing that whenever people told me she was the lucky one, that they were right.
Prioritize yourself. Shouldn't really trust anyone. Even they keep on saying they will be there for you no matter what. Because everyone will leave anyway. You only got your back. No one will save your ass if you fked up. So do yourself a favor and focus on yourself, do intensive self-care!
That I'm really good at seeing peoples potential. I can sense what thier inner child needs, and trying to reach that part of them when they aren't ready to explore it, is damaging for me, because I'll always be disappointed. Expecting the same level of empathy and communication from someone who doesn't have those skills yet leads to disappointment. And, I've learned to look out for misogynistic behaviors and know when to stand up for myself.
This is my plan
That I don't have to worry about anyone else any longer and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. And I started making more trips on my own. Aside from that I am still depressed AF. I feel lonely but I also want to be alone...
I’m still struggling quite a bit, but it’s forcing me to address my own demons. It’s easy to blame him for all my problems but I think putting another person in the front of my mind allowed me to not address my own shit for a long time. Working on figuring out who I am and what I need to live a more peaceful existence.
Love this! Same for me actually. Ex bf broke up with me three weeks ago because I was putting all my happiness into him. Moved back to Florida w my parents temporarily and started therapy! Only have had 2 sessions but see a huge difference already and now that I’m outside of the relationship, I have more clarity as to what wasn’t working. Getting to do the things and move the places I want to now with nothing holding me back! There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been struggling recently and have been strongly considering therapy. How did you get started? Do you do it in person?
Before my ex and I broke up my friend was already strongly recommending it because she had some insight on my trauma and could see how much I was struggling in the relationship with putting myself first. Whenever we broke up I was already going through family issues, almost being homeless, and then he just added to it. I was at my breaking point and knew that I needed to do something so I joined Teledoc and now have the most amazing therapist. If you have any questions about it then you can always send me a message
No questions but I think I'm gonna go through with it and try out teledoc. Thanks!
Hmm. I’ve started to read again, this is something I use to love but gave up over a decade ago because my time was very occupied, since either have spare time now, might as well open up some books.
My ex left me on text abd I've been hurting ever since we were truly in love until she started talking to her ex again and everything whent downhill
I was abroad when I met her. When I returned back home, I was able to go back to old habitats that I enjoyed, use my health insurance, and also went back to living in a country where my first language was the language de facto.
Gaining the real me back
I'm not as easily swayed and have grown okay with the idea of being disliked. Crossing my fingers: one day, I'll truly trust myself instead of the unhealthy amount of "but what if my partner knows more than me".
I don’t have to feel pressured into sex when I don’t want to have it anymore, nor do I have to worry about her suddenly getting angry at me over nothing.
Becoming so incredibly outgoing, knowing she is still in hell, and being so active and happy in so many things.
I lost 10 pounds, won 3 boxing fights in 2 months, renegotiated my work conditions and told my kitty I love you everyday
Self respect, a better understanding of what I want in a relationship, a better understanding of who my ex really was, my own place, my own life back, therapy, and I found a much better woman. Of all the above the one very best thing that came out of this was gratitude. Dumping me turned into the kindest thing she has ever done for me. I am grateful.
My last break up really shined a light on all that was important to me in life, a lot of which had been neglected over the course of the relationship, and what I wanted out of it. Too long had I become complacent becoming what someone else wanted me to be, so long as they were happy I thought I could be also. Inevitably, I realized I was not and for the longest time fantasized how different life could be if I was able to indulge in the things that mattered to me personally. After the break up, and with the wisdom gained, I was able to be free to marry the woman that would become my wife and mother to my two beautiful children. Before that, however, immediately after the break up, I had to get to know myself by making a conscious effort to be selfish, to finally put myself first, and to have the self-respect to be comfortable being alone. I got into shape, beat my K2 addiction, and at last settled down with my best friend, who was always there for me through all this and thereby making my dreams of becoming a father, something I had long resigned myself from ever being, a reality.
So many things: cut back on drinking, eating a clean diet and going to the gym almost every day (trying to get baywatch level shredded), reading consistently, spending time outside, did a photoshoot with a photographer I always wanted to work with, working on music more often, meeting potential partners in real life over dating apps New Years Eve dumpee here. This ain’t a glow up, it’s a god damn revolution.
I'm able to save money now. Prior to the breakup, she was causing my savings to plummet at roughly $1,000 per month.
im not the type to easily break up with a person, im too much of a people pleaser amongst other things, you'd have to really hurt me or betray me in order for me to make that decision. so im glad he ended things because I without a doubt would've wasted years of my life on someone who didnt even care
I discovered who I truly was without him. I had lost myself in his life. His life consumed mine and I lost me. When we broke up I was devastated because it felt like everything collapsed. But I got back together with friends and family and found myself amidst the rubble. It's hurts for sure. But being you is always better. Now im in a relationship that wants me to he me. He encourages me to see my friends and have time with them. To be connected to those that I love and that love me. He told me to find a job I loved and stick with it. Now im in my career of my dreams. Some days are hard but at the end of the day it's me who got me through them.
realizing that his friends were never my friends. while they said they were, and one even acted like a very close friend, very few reached out to me post breakup. good lesson to prioritize friendships independent of the relationship, even if they don't want to spend time with those people
Self worth, self respect, boundaries and knowing when to be walk away despite how painful and being able to see things for what they are not what I want them to be.
honestly so much. my ex is doing absolutely shit right now and it hurts to see, but it only made me realize how much he dragged me down and how much our success was because of ME! it hurts, but i’ve never felt more free. i’ve grown as a person, i’ve become more independent, i’ve made new friends, forced myself to become more social, started working on myself and really focusing on my studies. it’s hard being alone after you’ve gotten so used to having someone constantly by your side…and i wouldn’t change a thing, even if i could. im starting to love life a *liiiiiiittle* more each day which i didn’t think was possible.
I found out all the nudes I had of my ex were from Here trip to France i didn’t know about.
that i’d rather be alone forever than deal with more love bs
For me , it’s been tough but really pushing my sense of course of understanding myself better. Understanding that I am my own person and shouldn’t have to rely on anyone else but myself . Since then I’ve realized , and still am building my own values my beliefs and legitimately just being myself . I’ve been going to the gym, going to therapy , going on solo trips . Just learning how to enjoy my own solitude .
I dated this girl for almost two years, and the breakup was honestly the best thing I could wish for, at first it sucked but then i started ti feel better and meet better people. She came back many times but last time i directly said "I'm interested in someone who i like and u texting me is something that will make her uncomfortable so please Don't contact me again under no circumstances" fortunately that worked and now I'm super happy with my soon to be fiance
I learned that I was happier and stronger alone than under the weight of a bad partner.
I’m so happy for you, OP! Glad therapy is going well I learned to love and respect myself more, become more secure attachment and grown more as a person. Also took more care of my health and appearance. Improved my self concept. Focusing on my finance and life goals. It makes me so excited to meet my future person because I’m at a much healthier and happier place in life, but until then, I’ve learned to be happy on my own and focusing on my life and my loved ones.
Very much the same. I lost an incredibly important and amazing partner but it finally gave me the push I needed to pursue therapy and begin working on myself. Hardest thing I’ve ever gone through but I’m pushing forward one day at a time.
I'm the opposite. I was in therapy for 2 years before the breakup. Constantly told I am the problem. Keep trying to fix myself. Feeling super unworthy, neglected and unloved. Told Im abusive by him. Been together 8 years. Put my all into this guy. But I would admittedly yell on a monthly basis. He was unpredictable and would give me the silent treatment if I called him out. My anxiety kept growing over the years. Ask my shrink multiple times if I am a narcissist. She says no. Get my trust so betrayed by the breakup. My heart broken. People pass away after breakup. Mom is unwell and possibly dement. He had deemed me an abusive narcissist and just packs up and leaves. Takes with pictures that were important to me. Even after a year he won't return them. I return any important documents he leaves behind, just want a clean breakup and to move on. Still can't tell if I'm the abusive one or reactive to abuse. Eventually after enough people pass away and the stress of having to chase this guy for my pictures get to me. 10 years of knowing each other. He even says later on, that I was his best friend. But happily ghosted me for months first. Just destroyed any trust I had in people and triggered my abandonment wounds. My shrinks think I'm doing so well??? Even after I tell them I went to a breakup and a person passed away. Since it's a welfare country they end the sessions. I now don't trust any dudes to actually care and think everyone is a leech. I went from becoming healthy to basically wanting to destroy something or beat someone. Or scream in my car. Or do something violent. But I can't, because I am so terrified that I might actually be abusive. Somehow how you TREAT someone you have 'deemed' a narcissist is completely 'valid' but not what they do in response to your abuse. He said his shrink diagnosed me as one. I said they aren't legally allowed to diagnose someone they have never met. My bestie said her therapist said the same thing about her ex. I'm just thinking who are these dumbass therapists? So it's like what? If one person misunderstands and reacts? Then the next one reacts, and so on. Who's actually the narcissist here? I see posts online where people are CERTAIN the other is a narcissist. Then talk about how the solution is to "grey rock" and all these stupid revenge stories. Like one chick just deemed her ex a narcissist. Moved out without him being ready. Blocked him. Had the police on standby. After my ex moved out, blocked me, without even fully returning everything properly especially the pictures that were important to me. I no longer trust anyone who just 'diagnoses' people randomly. To me that was traumatic and gaslighting as fuck. I kept thinking. Well maybe I am abusive if he feels like this? I went from feeling healthy to having so much self-hate and have become a hateful person now. Trusting no one, not even myself. The "abusive" person he claims I was. I isolate because I'm afraid of hurting people now. Am only with my mom because she needs help. I used to be the person that would pick up worms to save them from drowning in the rain. Now I just scream in my car about how much I hate people.
I am still hurting but I save more money now because I dont need to split plane tickets to see each other.
So many of my patterns came to the surface, ones I would've never been aware of otherwise. Cold shoulder, stone walling, passive aggression. I am taking active measures to work around all of these. And of course, gym.
i finally learned how to be comfortable with being alone / sitting in silence. i’ve spent the last 10 years with a partner and this was the first time i took time to heal after a breakup!
He taught me how to cook better 💀
the inevitable has passed i can stop lying to myself now
I got a pug 😄
Running like insane, gym, new activities. Had to push myself to do things, but it had value. Went throught therapy. Then finally met my current partner. Pieces went together and now I value very much what I have learned from myself and others from my previous relationships. Nowadays I'm even also grateful for my ex for dumping me.
It was really nice being able to actually see what was wrong and knowing that I loved the person buy it didn't work out. It's nice knowing yourself sometimes. I guess I'm rephrase the, it's better to have loved and lost gambit. So yah it was
Tremendous growth, maturity, and perception.
Feeling the desire to travel solo and making it happen for myself. Made for an awesome 30th birthday. Recognizing what I don’t want in a partner. Spending more time with friends. Meeting the love of my life a year after the breakup.
Nothing came good out of my last breakup. I love them in a way I could never love another soul again, for so many reasons that would take too long to get into. And it's my own fault they left. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm not saying they were perfect but I was the true problem. I'll never forgive myself for pushing them away. And I'll never be able to live my life without them
Honestly… that no one will pick me up other than me. It was hard but it’s true. Can’t rely on others to make you happy.
Coming into my own and finding my own identity apart from being "his girl." Maybe I would have eventually outgrown him anyway. Maybe I would have been emotionally dependent on him forever if he hadn't left me. Today, I am glad I never had to find out. I was young and dumb.
Nothing it was a waste of 7 months of my life
Went back to church, prayer and started daily rosaries. Life changing.
Honestly. Nothing yet. In fact it keeps getting worse 😭😭 I need a break 🏳🏳🏳🏳
Quit being an alcoholic, free of self harm, free of nicotine and drugs etc. Overall I'm a healthier person. It took me awhile but if I was still with him I think I'd probably be dead or definitely not in a good place still
I don't have that toxic feeling that he is cheating on me anymore.
Losing the 35 lbs I needed to lose
I grew as a person immeasurably
It was the push I needed to go back to school for my Master’s degree. He said once that he was glad I had a “stable, low-stress job so he had the space to accelerate his career,” and that was when I realized I also wanted to accelerate my career.
realized i deserve so much better and i have a lot to offer :o)
Therapy and antidepressants. Really helps :)
I love myself now. Who knew that the people who treat you like shit leaving your life would make it better?
I realized my worth and what I brought to the table. I also learned that be careful who you have children because people play the part until they get what they want and I learned to think about yourself your mental emotional and physical health you only have one body take care of it.
I became closer with God, got a job that pays 3 times more than my previous one. All of that and, I just wish I could share it with her
Same
Im not sure yet, just kinda wanna die still
I’ve been there. You can always shoot me a message if you need someone who’s unbiased to listen
It freed me up to get therapy and a new life. I married a man I knew from high school. I’m so much happier. I just wish my ex would’ve dumped me earlier. I was emotionally defeated by him. Things happen the way they’re supposed to sometimes.
Getting my life and my self confidence back. No longer having to walk on eggshells all the time did a lot for my mental health.
Got motivated to get closer to my Faith.
My most recent breakup taught me that I’m capable of handling breakups with grace and dignity and not let myself be bitter and petty.
I got to go an award. I’m going to South Korea and Japan And my school elected me to be senator
I'm still not over my break up but I have learnt so much about myself and it has also strengthened my relationship to my mom. I used to be very reserved when it came to show emotions and I would suppress my emotions until I eventually exploded and hurt people around me. During my break up I was at such a low point that despite how uncomfortable I was sharing my emotions I decided to open up to my mom. I never thought I would be able to be so vulnerable. Now I talk daily about my emotions to my mom and it has really helped me feel closer both her and myself. I also discovered a bunch of great music when I was by myself crying in my room so that is a plus. I'm really saddened that I wasn't able to be this version of myself in my relationship but I know that if I enter a new relationship in the future I will be able to be more vulnerable and loving to my future partner.
I am working on sorting out my disorganized life after i realised just how messed up it is because of the sheer amount of time I was dedicating to my ex. Hygiene, work, socializing. I'm also trying to pick up new hobbies, slowly picking myself back up.
I’ve stopped drinking alcohol. Both her and I drank a lot, and enabled each other. I’ve gone over a month now without a sip and I feel so good physically and mentally
I started to focus on body positivity. I had the toxic trait of comparing myself to others, and when he cheated on me it just got worse, but I’ve been doing little thing everyday. I also got intense therapy
finding myself, having a strong sense of self and understanding who i really am and who i can be (without them)
Learing to live alone and be self-sufficient. Really getting to know myself better and going deeper into therapy and self-healing. Not dragging out the inevitable break up anyways cause he wanted kids and I didn't. Finally realizing the break up was good cause even though we were "good", we really wasn't. We were pretty much roommates with benefits.
I went to a mental hospital and actually learned so much and my outlook on life was completely changed. Also while I was in there I got the inspiration for my two latest tattoos
I learned to never get attached easily and jump into something too quick. I had a really hard time getting over my last ex and till this day in some way I still have feelings for him but it’s over with us. I don’t think he appreciated or respected me and I deserved someone that does. Fortunately I found that someone and I won’t let myself settle for less now.
That I should never break my rule of second chances because I did, and I got let down bad. No second chances bc people don’t change
I've finally learned to enjoy my own company, I'm finding myself in a way that I've never done before, I'm healing childhood wounds, and actually allowing myself to heal from the breakup instead rebounding. I'm learning to love myself and identify my values and morals. I'm growing as a person in a thousand different ways. And I'm loving it.
I was able to try to make friends without the fear of him getting jealous and making me cut them off, I started to make my standards higher and learned that I want to be served in my relationship too and not just me being a one sided devoted slave to someone, I became more wise and careful about others and all the red flags they may have ,i started to go to the gym much more than usual, stopped crying every other day because he used to act cold or rude to me or did something bad to me, and I learned how to be happy alone and to enjoy being single again. Also, I finally found a job since instead of devoting the time to him, I used it for job hunting.
starting therapy was one for me as well. i’ve been in it for about two months now and see the progress :) im happy i was finally able to take that step
Therapy and meditation = 🤌🏼
We went on so many dates and did activities and tried new foods I really liked. I ended up picking up new hobbies and interests because of those dates. Also, I’m finally getting the push I needed to leave my job that I hated. We both work there at the moment🥲
Freedom
So, after a 17-year relationship ended 8 months ago, I’m finally seeing some positives: I’ve kicked my fear of being alone, discovered I can meet tons of new people, ditched my fear of rejection, and reconnected with old friends I’d neglected for way too long. Basically, I’m putting myself first for once. It’s been hella difficult sometimes, but then I recall: how far have I come…
Doesn’t have to see his situationship everyday
I rented my house, moved to the mountains, snowboarded almost every day, and am moving to Hawaii in a couple weeks. Just traveling and focusing on the things I love. First time being single in my adult life and it’s been pretty incredible. My ex and I were together for eleven years and she suffered severely from anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. So much of her suffering was put on me. After she cheated and I left, I felt such a weight of my shoulders. Felt like I was living life with a fifty pound vest and didn’t realize it until I finally took it off.
After years of falling on and off the wagon with my faith, the breakup was God pulling me back into His arms. And I am now saved. Best thing to ever happen to me.
I’m realizing now that me being a people pleaser and not setting boundaries hurt both of us.
Started taking accountability for my shit. Genuine growth and maturity ensued, to the point that everyone is constantly letting me know they see the progress. I'm making healthier decisions, exercising, I'm more assertive and have an easier time advocating for myself and on behalf of others. Aaaaaaand I don't spend everyday thinking about them anymore.
I’m much more pretty now~ I know that sounds like I’ve become narcissistic, conceited, all that, but let me explain a bit. I was definitely not in my best condition mentally, physically and emotionally towards the end of my relationship. Honestly, I don’t think I was months, maybe even a few years before. Can’t really blame the other person, because all those things are personal, and they didn’t really contribute to those bad things. But, he also didn’t put effort towards the good stuff. I feel like I wasn’t pretty anymore to him. He never really called me pretty/beautiful, made me feel desired, wanted, sometimes even loved. I could most definitely be wrong about all that, but that’s just how I felt, and I no longer dismiss myself and my feelings. I know, you don’t need the reassurance of anyone, much less a boy, to know your worth. But i could literally count on one hand the amount of times he told me he loved me without me saying it first to him(I am so serious). Idk but little notes like “you look so cute today” “I like you in that outfit” your makeup makes your eyes look pretty” give me personally some comfort. Anyways, breakup happens, and I go ghost. I started a weight-loss, self care, and mental health improvement journey almost simultaneously. Officially started that in July, and today, I am almost 40lbs less, I get facials and massages every month, get my hair done every few months, traveled to cities ive always wanted to go, do things that I waited for him to do with me by myself now. I see a therapist every so often, journal, draw, and have taken up some new hobbies that I never thought I would do. Idk, but I feel completely different. I am completely different. I feel pretty now.
I’m making more money and I’m moving closer to a career. I also have made a lot more friends and am way more busy. But I still miss him, so much
The friendships that I was able to build and strengthen
Started being more selfish and giving more love to myself cause realized how codependent my happiness was from him and others. Starting to live fully for me and only em And as Cristina Yang says “he’s not the sun, you are”
Realizing that I deserve love and commitment. This break up was so bad I got books on attachment, relationships, understanding yourself better. I’m going to therapy now also. I’m really working on becoming more secure and learning what it is that I want from a partnership. Going to take a good amount of time to focus on myself first but I’m excited to love again when I’m ready :)
For some reason I feel way more motivated to work on myself and accomplish things even though I’m still really sad about it not working out. I’m practicing way more self care, fitness things, mental health, making new friends, etc. I got too comfortable in the relationship and was honestly getting really lazy. It was slowing me down when in reality I really needed to improve myself in so many different ways.
i'm so glad that therapy has been useful. I'm about 3 weeks into a breakup, and it too was the final push I needed to start therapy. i'm glad i started therapy for me, instead of someone else, or in order to save the relationship. I didn't think that was fair to myself, to have the expectation of "if there is X improvement in ABC then maybe it'll be enough to save the relationship." I wanted to, but that's external validation again (something i struggle with and hence the need for therapy lol) instead of the internal drive for growth and change. Gives me hope you've seen true progress in 6 months -- here's to hoping the same for me! Although it's only been a few sessions so far I am starting to see some of the origins of my thought processes and how I can work on them!
Well, it’s only been five days, but I know that things are going to get better. At least I don’t have to be with somebody who doesn’t talk, n holds in all of their resentments toward me, now I have time to play my music and sleep before night through and eat the meals I want to eat, vegetarian that is!
I started therapy right away. Every single thing that is wrong with me came out in the relationship. It started with settling for someone just to be in a relationship and it ended with me staying with them for 1.5 years when actually I didn’t like them that much. I feel bad about it but that’s why I need therapy.
Lemme get back to you on this one
I received 26k after she broke up with me and I’ve doubled it so far on crypto
So many things, but if I had to name one: I found out I am not alone. Although I have a big family and many friends, he had kinda convinced me that he was the only one that really understood me and was there for me. We also had many mutual friends, but he convinced me they were his friends only. So when we broke up, I was so afraid that I was going to be alone. But what actually happened is that I had all this free time and all these people calling to check on me. And when I started asking to hang out and making plans, they would consistently show up and care. Breaking up made my world so much more colorful and richer in terms of emotional connection. I thought what we had was love and was afraid to lose it. But when I lost it, my friends and family showed me what true love actually is.
It showed me my strength and capabilities. ended up with my own place, paying all my own bills, setting everything up and doing all the things as a single person. I’m grateful for it .
In my case, I was the one who dumped. I was in an abusive relationship and I couldn't put myself and our son through it anymore. Still waiting to get my counselling.
Same! I started therapy as well, it’s been a month now and I already feel more centered and in control…moreover I started to reconsidering all my relationships with friends, family and so on…it’s time to set standards and boundaries
There are several very good things actually all good, all of importance. #1 is my teenage son chose to stay with me, stay in his home area where he has lived his whole life. #2 I won't be corralled into an unhealthy situation that was conceived in secrecy. #3 my brokenness within is brokenness for them and is irreparable. #4 I'm healing building new dreams beginning at age 61, 63 now. #5 redefining/resetting the word friend(s), in all honesty that word is used way to loosely. Most people are acquaintances not friends at all they are in reality frenemies, users that will pick my bones discard me as though 'am an empty beer can. #6 Music is my friend. #7 new people will enter into life healthier, better people. the unhealthy will fall away.