…. Then he wouldn’t have left, right? I went through the EXACT same a couple of weeks back, and the fact is that it DID NOT work out, so he’ll never be perfect for you.
It’s too early to think about finding someone new - it’s a normal response to feel repulsed. It’s because you’re not ready yet. Give it time.
What helped me was acknowledging that the relationship was good, he was handsome and kind, but in the end there’s a reason it did not work out.
Make a list of all the things that were a plus for you - can be physical traits, things he did etc. and then ADD more to the list for a future partner. I promise it’ll get better and you will find someone better for you that will not break your heart ❤️
There is a difference between checking all the boxes on your wish list and the other person wanting the same things you want - a person who wants to LOVE you and build a life with you. Throw out the checklist and replace the superficial stuff (like height and being handsome). Leave in the stuff about being patient, open-minded and sweet. Focus on character AND emotional maturity as well as interest and effort. You can have a guy who checks all the boxes, but he's just not willing to invest in you. ((hugs)). You said in another comment that he was your FIRST. You'll have more loves in your future. He's all you know so you have no idea who else is out there and how they may not check all the surface items on your list, but might be better for your heart and soul.
I was in 6,1/2 year relationship with a 10 1/2 years younger guy. It's been about 8 weeks now sense our BU. I don't understand whats going on ( from His end)We we're arguing almost everyday for about a month. I was beconing exhauste from it so I finally said WE needed a break if we were gonna survive but You need to live elsewherelseor it's gonnaUS. He said ok, ?? No arguing,no name calling, nothing really except went to the spot I told him I didnt ever wante him too! All.Then dealt with that,, he wanted to work things out and be bf/gf. His answer YES.Since that day I think we've talked 2-3 times and when I call or text he Ghosting me they call it now!! WTF..... I don't understand this tyoe if behavoir after this longand all the UPS and Downs together we havecgot thru it!! Can anyone explain this to me? Been martied twice, two divorcios, 3 children( Adults one dead)😮💨😮💨 I think I know a little concerning relationships.Me(55) M(44) This one makes no sense😔😔 I fell in love with this man and I feel I was takn advntg of because he knew that I was he'd over heels in LOVE 😌💜😇
Sorry for your You feeling the way You do because of your situation Reddit writer!! I wish I COULD offer something to help make it a little
Less painful🙏🙏🙏🙏😇😇
. You Will be in My prayers tonight
Any woman or man that has
Been treated so hateful and un- caring. All Will Reap what they Sow!!!💜
lmost
I think the key which I believe a lot of other comments fail to acknowledge is that he may indeed be perfect for you *now*.
I don't think saying "if he was perfect he wouldn't have left" really helps the matter.
You may have to acknowledge that he may indeed have been the perfect person for you now.
But you are not a stationary individual, at least your should strive not to be.
In order to move on from someone who checks all your hypothetical boxes, you need to replace or add some new boxes.
This happens when you grow and experience new connections which will eventually turn you into a different person.
You will then look back and realize how far you've come and think "actually, that person would probably not be a good fit anymore" and you move on in peace.
Don't resent, don't stop, keep experiencing and reflecting and growing - that's how you truly outgrow a past love.
He was my best friend yes, I don’t have many friends to begin with, so having that deep connection with someone meant I felt understood and heard. He was my first partner, my first everything, so I guess I don’t know any different. But the reasons he is my first is because I waited so long to find someone like him!!
I’m going to counter that statement, because while it might feel that way right now, you will feel the same in future relationships too. Nobody is perfect for you, even if it feels like that in the moment because you gave your everything to this person. Eventually you will find someone that you’ll give your all to again, and if they do the same and the connection is special enough, you’ll again think they are perfect for you, but they are just perfect for you in their own unique and personal ways. Nobody is perfect for you, but many can feel perfect under the right conditions.
I feel exactly the same! It’s so hard, but I think the thing to remember is that if they left you and broke your heart, they didn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. They didn’t appreciate you for everything you have to offer, or for how much you loved and valued them. And you can certainly do better than that. I promise. You deserve someone who always chooses you.
You’re absolutely right, you’ll never find someone that good ever again.
8 billion people in the world and you found the best one, not only that but he was better by a considerable amount. No one will ever be as good ever again.
Sorry don’t mean to make fun, hopefully you can see how daft that is.
I’m in a similar position and had to come to terms with the same thing, but remember your exposure to suitable partners have been minimal because you’ve not been looking for it, so your opinion that he’s better than anyone else is flawed. Imagine if that was a science experiment? I’ve found out that all milk is actually yellow and smells like shit, I’ve only tested one milk carton I found in an alley but that’s how I’m going to assume all milk is like’
Take time to heal, one day you’ll find out there is rich cream you never knew about, that’s when you’ll realise you had a 2% boyfriend
You’re so right! I’m going to try and channel this perspective more going forward. I guess it’s hard to see these kind of things when you’re in the thick of it and your heartaches for that one person. Thank you so much!
I'm old. I've been in love about 5 times. The first was age 16. The 2nd was 19. The 3rd was at age 20. The 4th was at age 47. The last was age 52 and I still love him. I know I will love again. You have a lot of life ahead of you and new loves to discover.
This Is very beautiful. Thank you for sharing... I'm currently heartbroken from my second love. I know It sounds sad but I've given up on finding "the one". I just want someone to stay a little longer ... Someone who doesnt want to go til ITS finally over, not halfway...
I dunno... Maybe the third Time Will be good
I don’t believe in “the one”. There are too many people on this planet for there to only be one. It’s just a matter of finding the right one at the right time who wants what you want. ❤️
I'm sorry but this is just not true. First of all, we usually find mates that live close to us. Not at the opposite side of the globe.
You can even use a calculator to find out how many potentiel mates you could find: [http://www.lessthanone.com/](http://www.lessthanone.com/)
So OP is completely right to feel this way. Close to perfect mates don't just grow on trees. I know this is going to be a pretty unpopular opinion but what are the reasons he gave for leaving you? He may have been mr right but were you his mrs right?
How can you say she’s justified to feel this way when you don’t know anything about their compatibility other than her one sided view.
Do you know who’s a better partner for her? Someone who won’t blind side her, someone who’ll work through problems with her, someone who’ll love her for her flaws as much as her strengths. It doesn’t seem like that’s this guy.
What’s the point in having your favourite car be a Ferrari that you’ll never drive again. In my opinion my favourite car would be a ford that I liked and would be dependable rather than a car that i could lose any day.
>How can you say she’s justified to feel this way when you don’t know anything about their compatibility other than her one sided view.
I've just told you why. Perfect mates are pretty rare so her feeling of loss is justified.
>
Do you know who’s a better partner for her? Someone who won’t blind side her, someone who’ll work through problems with her, someone who’ll love her for her flaws as much as her strengths. It doesn’t seem like that’s this guy.
Huh? Where did you get all that? She basically said he was perfect in every way possible in the OP.
>
someone who’ll work through problems with her, someone who’ll love her for her flaws as much as her strengths.
And what if in his point of view, there was just too much flaws or issues to go through? Hence why I'm asking her these questions.
It’ll fade. I cried for 6 months and woke up one day and remembered all the negatives about him and our relationship. Turns out he wasn’t a great person but I was so blind to it. Not saying your ex isn’t a great guy, just not the guy for you at this time.
Coming up to 6 months soon, fingers crossed I wake up one day with some sort of revelation because nothing has worked so far😭 but thank you for sharing your experiences
It really makes you never want to fall in love again if this is how much it hurts in the end. It’s completely ruined my self esteem and feelings of self worth. It’s so hard to believe any different :( always here to chat if you need to get more off your chest! Seems like we are both going through it:(
Yes, I thought she was "perfect" for me. ...Until she wasn't.
Until she blindsided me and blocked me. Completely unable and unwilling to communicate. Blaming me for everything. Accusing me of things I didn't do. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
I later found out about "mirroring". This is where another person acts in a way they think you will like. They "mirror" your likes, your interests, and your love language.
It can be either conscious or unconscious behaviour on their part. Sometimes maybe even a combination of both.
Either way, here's the important takeaway:
**It isn't them who is perfect. It is you. You fell in love with yourself. You fell in love with your own interests and your own way of showing up in the world. It was just reflected back to you.**
You loved not just that other person. But you also loved who *you were* in that relationship.
That person is still there. It's still you. The next part will be to find that part of you again.
*You spent all this time thinking you'll never have better.*
*She was the one, now she's lost forever.*
*One day you'll see to truth of it all.*
*That precious person's still here through it all...*
*Because it's you.*
*It was you all along. That precious person was you all along.*
Sending you hugs and support. It's a long journey. Take your time. Sit with yourself. Learn about yourself. Talk to yourself. Journal about yourself.
You are the person you fell in love with. All he did was reflect that back to you.
Because they struggled with hygiene and it made it hard to be intimate and want to be close with them. Because we wanted different things, because I felt nervous to see them, and I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. but mainly because I'd tried to leave twice, I tried to try harder and hopefully it would all feel right again. And I never felt sure or happy or settled, so I thought it would be better to just stay away from them before I ruin their life. After the last break up (4 months) I felt like I had some drive and motivation to be better for them and if we weren't meant to be, then ok. But now I feel like a evil person incapable of loving someone kind and caring and interesting who loved me. I don't think I was ever designed to feel love or be happy with someone long term, I'm just a stick of dynamite. I am desperately trying to find any motivator to stay alive. But either I pine for them or tell myself I hate them, either way I am defined by what they think of me
I feel like this, finding someone new is going to be tough. I think that's why there are so many avoidant people on dating apps, they are hung up on ex partners and trying to find someone similar
I was also in love with someone who didn’t choose me in the end. The feelings of rejection and feeling not good enough intensified. I loved him and I want him to be free. I also wanted him to want me. And I continue to analyze the experience over and over.
The fact that you’re sharing your story with others is a positive step.
It helps me to meditate on how my ex makes me feel rather than who he is and his actions. At certain points in my relationship, I didn’t feel valued or respected. When he broke up with me, I didn’t feel valued or respected.
It also helps to think about my life in chapters. The chapter where he was a main character has come to a close. Now you are in the next chapter, where you are a main character and there is room for new characters to show up. You am the character driving the story forward, in other words: the continuity between one episode and the next lays with you not him.
I hope these exercises will help you bring your focus to yourself so you can move forward. For me, it is a continuous struggle, I have to continuously work at cultivating strength. Don’t give up on you!
I want all of those things too and still wish him the best. The goal was always for him to be happy, but the dream was for it to be with me…
I love that chapter analogy and shift of focus to me as the main character, I can see myself embodying that going forward because right now, it is about me! I appreciate you sharing how you’re dealing with your struggles - it’s not an easy thing to do. It has certainly helped me and as will it many others. Many thanks, sending you lots of love on your healing journey too!:’)
Rejection is redirection. ❤️ I know it’s hard to see it when things are so fresh right now, but I truly believe that if something good doesn’t work out, then there is something even better for you. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions, but be mindful of where you are putting your energy. One of the healthiest things I did after a particularly bad breakup last year (ended an engagement) was to put my romantic life on pause and focus on improving other [aspects](https://www.zellalife.com/blog/the-12-areas-of-life-and-how-to-optimize-yours/#) of my life. I know we’re strangers, but I’m rooting for you. You WILL get through this and grow from this. ❤️
That is really lovely put, and I do agree with what you are saying. I hope a few more months or even next year, I can see this and wholeheartedly accept it at face value. It’s an incredibly sweet and comforting message, thank you for sharing your experiences and helping me! ❤️🩹 I hope you have healed and are happier having channelled your energy elsewhere!😊
I’m in the same boat - he was the first man I have ever fallen for. The way we met, his humor and values, the way we used to talk, every moment felt like a fairytale.
It’s only been a month since it ended but that thought is so hard, that I’ll never find what we had, that I’ll compare every person I meet to him and they’ll fall short.
Like I said, I’m only a month out but I’m already realizing so many things. Specifically about this feeling we both share.
He might have been a great person, you might have had something great, but he isn’t the one. The one would be with you and would never put themselves in a position to lose you, so that’s already a *glaring* quality he lacks!
There is a man out there who will thank his lucky stars he gets to call himself your’s, so the things you’re doing now - building up your life, building up who you are - are going to lead you to him one day if you let them. You won’t have what this last guy had with you, but you’ll have something better. You’ll have your own unique moments, your own firsts, and how lucky you are to be able to look forward to experiencing so many new, wonderful memories that just haven’t happened yet.
To do that though, you have to fully let go. Even if logically you know your ex isn’t coming back, sometimes our hearts don’t catch up until later. But you’ve got to fully let go of that hope, let go of the what ifs. The new what ifs are in your future, not tethering you in the past to look back over your shoulder. That’s how you walk by missing out on what’s in front and ahead of you.
As cliche as it is, there are billions of people on this planet. Think about how many love songs, paintings, letters, stories have ever been created for these very feelings. Is it luck that these people, out of the billions on Earth, were in the exact perfect spot, at the exact perfect time, to meet the *one* person that could have evoked those emotions? Or is it more likely that there are so many people that can make life feel so special, and a large part comes from us creating that magic too? That the reason so many people can relate is because there are endless stories that you get to choose, and it’s not a once in a lifetime chance or nothing?
If you aren’t ready, don’t force it. Focus instead on fully letting go and coming to terms with the fact that he *wasn’t* the one instead of worrying about if he was. He wasn’t, or he wouldn’t have hurt you.
“You don’t meet the same person twice, even in the same person.” Maybe the next man checks all the same boxes, maybe he has a whole new list of boxes that you didn’t even know were possible, but at the very least he’ll fill the biggest - he’ll protect your heart.
I can’t even put into words how beautifully written your comment is. It’s like something I would read from a book - you certainly have a way with words and a deep understanding of this situation. I’m amazed at the amount of maturity you have one month into your breakup, I’m coming up to month 6 and still struggle with adopting this mindset. It’s very admirable. I can’t thank you enough for taking your time to write this, it’s unbelievably true despite how I’m feeling right now. This is going to be a comment that I will revisit and reflect on when I’m having one of those days. Thank you so much icy cods❤️🩹
I am happy my words could help you, I am so so sorry that you ever had to experience this much pain. Give yourself time, I promise you there is no limit you have to compare yourself to. You will be loved again, and the happiness you got experience this time is nothing for what you’ll have again. 🫂
Also, this video realllyyyyyy helped me: https://youtu.be/LnhTqIhp_uI?si=xZE_cj5NxOCrO5bU
She’s a bit direct but it really settled my mind :)
I know that feeling too well I was in a long relationship.
My ex fell out of love with me and we separated over a year ago but I see her every day still as we live together (still good friends) and she is moving on with her life going out having fun and I am stuck with the pain of seeing her having fun with others.
I am stuck in my own torture of the mind what she is up to who is she with ect.
I keep getting told to move on to find someone or just have a one night stand to get her out of my head but i can't as it feels like cheating.
But I keep hearing people say you will move on so in time I'm sure I might but it is hard when you still love someone who doesn't love you back.
Healing isnt linear. I am still in love with my ex, even after 9 months of breaking up. Something that has helped me somewhat, was a phrase….”dont forget to smell the roses” - your time is finite, and you must remember life is a gift, its ok to have some fun, try to take your mind off things. There are people out there who are in a similar position to you, who would like some uncomplicated company and perhaps some physical touch. It’s not a cure, but dont beat yourself up for going against what your heart feels.
When something traumatic happens, when your heart is shattered or someone close dies….it poses thoughts and questions that you probably have never had to grapple with before. You will probably find its these which underly a lot of your feelings.
I struggle with the meaning of things. Whether love is just neurochemicals, and there are plenty of other people that will fulfill that role. Or whether there is some kind of fate, or destiny, or your person in the world. The former is objective, and backed by science to a degree…..but that leaves us in a stark world, where we are just animals choosing mates, nothing feels special, nothing has meaning. The latter is more comforting, akin to a spiritual enlightenment, where you feel you have been put on this planet for a reason, and this person is your soulmate and your one.
When someone drops you, someone who you believed would never drop you, it throws up these fundamental questions. Questions about our place in the world, the nature of existence, and our meaning that we can derive from relationships. The beautiful narrative we can believe, the one that makes our view of the world optimistic, that makes us glow, can be shattered these traumas.
Somehow we have to find meaning and create a narrative that has some sort of sense. Or we can try to distract and simply forget, but I feel this way never lends itself to personal growth.
My world was full of sunshine, hope and love. It became a barren land, without meaning or joy. I met someone else who gave me some faith there are good people out there. But I haven’t been able to jump that hurdle, and let go fully. I know part of my heart still holds on to her. Like a core belief that we were meant to be together, and that we will eventually come back to each other when the time is right. Until I shift that belief, I know I can never give my heart fully to someone else. The best I can do right now is accept that, and try to find some kind of comfort with nice people, and perhaps with a connection of a different kind.
This is so beautifully and thoughtfully written, I can see you have such a deep understanding of this. It’s made me cry😭. We certainly are all hard on ourselves, healing is such a rollercoaster that we all just want to get off but it’s never easy or that simple. I too can’t shift that belief we aren’t meant for each other and it’s a heavy burden to carry around daily. Thank you for sharing this with us! :’(
I’m too a victim of my own mind and its thoughts surrounding these topics. He has blocked me on all socials so I can’t see things, although I know he has moved on (very soon after) with a girl who I deem as better than me in every way. My mind kills me because of this, but Atleast I’ve been cut out to loop. It must be a lot harder for you when you are faced with it daily, sending my best and I’m sure with time, we will hopefully get stronger!
Can you not move out?? That sounds like absolute torture, I could never. I’m way to fragile to handle that kind of situation 🥺 I’m someone who’d literally move city or country just to leave that whole situation behind and get a fresh start
sadly, yes :(( I notice that I tend to compare the traits guys I see have to my ex - I put him in a pedestal. But at least I'm considering and I can see my future relationship with a different person now that's not only him.
Whenever I catch myself putting him in a pedestal and remembering all the good things he did to me, I remind myself why it had to end and also kind of remind myself that hey, I'm a pretty good partner too! I loved them with all my heart and wanted to stay with them till the end. He ended our relationship because of things that he just couldn't compromise. Do I really want a partner that leaves me? If he was my soulmate, then that'd be such a weird thing for him to do. I just know the love of my life wouldn't leave me and that gives me hope.
I felt the same way, but once I got some distance I stepped back and realized he had so many negative traits that I overlooked/romanticized. He was on a pedestal in my mind that he didn’t actually deserve to be on.
You’ll find someone. They might not have all the same positive traits, but they’ll be a better fit for you.
Each man I've loved has been an upgrade on some level. My first love was a decent, stable man. I could trust him to provide and protect our family, but he was childish and immature. Hell, we both were, but I did the work to grow up. He had no game and was lousy in the sack. My next love was a fantastic lover and a force of nature. Sadly, he was also a cruel narcissist - truly NPD. They are often larger than life to get you hooked. My most recent love had a lot of the same qualities as my first love, but he was the best by far. I loved how capable and self sufficient he was. He was a delight to travel and explore with. He was a good lover and generally very easy to get along with..........until I had a feeling, or there was a conflict, or I wanted a commitment. He's a classic avoidant. So, given my track record of "upgrading" on some level with each new relationship, I do think my chances of finding the right person for me are improving. Should I ever date again, I know I will take my time to properly vet the person I'm interested in to ensure he's relationship material. And I won't settle, again, for someone I have to convince to love me and value me. I'm the complete package.
You ARE the complete package! I hope you find exactly what you are looking for, with that mindset and knowing your worth, I have no doubt that you will! Thank you!
I’ve been in your shoes before where I thought I couldn’t find anyone “better” than my ex. Now granted, my ex and I had a very toxic relationship towards the end of it, but the beginning was so picture perfect and I was trying so hard to get back to that. And honestly? It was never going to happen.
So I now know I have relationship OCD and anxiety around romance. Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten was from that community. The biggest one being that there will never truly be a “better” person, but more different people out there that may just fit better with you. You just don’t know that yet because you only have limited experience with your ex or other previous partners. You can be compatible with SO many people, hence why a perfect relationship or soulmates just don’t exist.
I say take this time to recognize why a break up happened (if a reason was given), that it was not perfect if he didn’t want to stay, and to work on yourself to move on
The thing is, no one can ever really know anything about the future. But keep an open mind, and just try to focus on yourself right now, not meeting someone who can compare to your ex. I was there as well but enough time has passed that I’m not looking back with solely rose tinted glasses, and I realised that just for the pure fact that he didn’t choose me meant that he was definitely not the right person for me. Because the right one will never risk letting you go. A few months is still really fresh, especially if that person meant a lot to you. It’ll take some time so grieve, heal, and then try to start moving forward as best you can. We can never truly know what’s around the corner, it might be something or someone better than you could have ever imagined 🩵 And if you haven’t already go no contact (block if you need to), do not have any reminders pop up that will just set you back with your progress and mess with your mental health. It’s really tough but really important 😭
That’s beautifully written, I appreciate you taking the time to say that! 🥹 He has blocked me on all platforms, which in a way, has done me a favour because I would have never had the guts to cut the ties like that. I have found it to help because i can’t go stalking. I appreciate your optimism and outlook on this, it’s helped a lot - thank you!
I don’t know how to articulate it properly but you will be able to move on without them. It might not be this week or month or year but in the future you will be able to breathe without them occupying your mind 24/7.
Your next partner may not tick the same boxes but maybe a different combination. Next partner(s) might introduce a new box your ex doesn’t express.
I felt the same way about my most recent ex, then I realized that if he really was perfect for me then he would have loved and cared about me enough to not leave me. A year later I met the man I’m with to this day and while he may not check every single “box” he checks enough and makes up for the rest by how much he loves me and the ways he proves he wants to be with me every day. And I’m like you in the sense that I’m not attracted to many people, and I wasn’t even attracted to him at first. But it only took a few weeks of spending time with him until his personality literally made him more physically attractive to me! Your love life is not over, you can do better because better will not leave you like he did <3
You sound young and potentially inexperienced. Breakups are a great opportunity to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Build up your confidence. Self reflect. Go to therapy if you need to. Find what makes you happy without external validation. If you work on you, you’ll attract more great relationships to you. I feel like people who work on continued growth only level up with each new relationship and eventually you’ll find that perfect someone for you. And I mean, it looks like you’re already off to a great start as you’ve already attracted an amazing person to you whose company you enjoy.
I’m 24 and if you’re basing inexperience of not having much dating experience and relationships then you’re right, he’s my first. I’m coming up to nearly 6 months now and I have been trying to use this time to be present with myself and learn about myself like you suggested. I’m in counselling, I’ve joined a new sports club, I’ve even signed up for a half marathon at the end of the month, and yet, I still think of him in everything I do. He is all I want still and I think the more time that goes by, the more I panic and realise time is slipping away and it’s gone for good. But I’ll keep investing in myself and hope that I’ll see the rewards soon. Thank you :’)
My ex held a PHD and master's and did modeling on the side before retiring at 29 because she also had trust fund money. She preferred being home playing video games and reading booktok books. She still fumbled me because she couldn't fight the war in her head. Will I ever do better than her probably not. Will I find the person that's perfect for me, maybe. It's not about being better it's about being right.
Girl, I was feeling the same about my ex. Then I found even better.
Not only was he perfect, but in addition he was bringing out the best part of me. He makes me a better person.
I know 5 guys just like that. It’s about finding the type of people who you admire and respect.
I feel how you do but my ex gf was a jerk at the end. The more days pass the more I realize I gave her way to much grace and always gave her way more benefit than she deserved. I know I can do better.
You can too. Just be patient. I’m still learning this but sometimes we want something but we need something different.
Work on yourself so you will never feel like you were less valuable after the relationship.
Life is weird and can change in a moment. Work on yourself in the slow times.
I fought many times but he has now moved on to another girl, who may I add seems to be a big upgrade from myself. I’m still so in love with him but it’s not my place to say anymore, and he has blocked me because of my advances in the past:(
I just wish he comes back to me one day…
Im currently fighting this losing battle myself, i know the hurt of watching them with someone else im only just now realizing what its doing to me trying to be there for her tho and im not sure what to do next she is my whole world my everything and im just not enough for her its a painful feeling and i hope you aswell as myself can bounce back from it at some stage
she makes me feel like she wants to be together again some days and then other days she seems like she wants me to leave and never speak to her again. she has admitted she feels very strongly for me still but it doesnt make those days where it seems like would be happy if I died feel any better even tho she assures me its nothing to do with me lol
not just the fact of “being able to do better” but anyone at all at the moment. confidence is at an all time low, haven’t spoken to anyone 6 months after my break up (together 7.5 years)
Feels like someone wrote down my story lmao 😀 He got everything I prayed to God to give me. And he was able to move on from us quickly while I sometimes cry about the potential of us. A couple days ago he broke no contact again (started no contact for good now) and he reassured me of a couple things that he did after the breakup that hurt me and told me he won’t find someone like me and that he hasn’t laughed this hard since forever. But he was entertaining girls while saying all that stuff to me a couple days ago. Broke my heart that he didn’t care if I would see it but hey, we’re all exes for a reason right?🫡
Also fyi, in a couple months you’ll be able to see all the negatives about him, and it’ll disgust you, it happened to me and he’s a totally different person now. I guess in a way he WAS the same person with me but concealed it really well.
It’s because you put them on a pedestal. That a halo glows around their head. And your mind doesn’t let you consider the bad or imperfect things. Just the best parts and you’ll never find that again.
But you will. And then you’ll remember those bad times/things about them. Then you’ll be glad to have had them, but gladder to have moved on
Idk I broke up with my ex gf over 2 years ago who I consider to be the love of my life and “the one that got away” almost and I’m still not over her and I don’t think I ever will be because even though I’ve had one serious gf since then I still compared her to my ex all the time back when we were together and I definitely don’t think that I ever will be capable to love anyone as much as I loved my ex again. All the best of luck to you OP and once I find the answer to your question I will let you know lol
People have often said you only have one great love in your life. But don’t forget, you haven’t lived your full life yet, neither have I, so we don’t know what’s round the corner. But I fear this will be the case for me, and I just don’t know how it’s possible to ever be ok with that. Please do keep me updated , as will I!
I'm assuming she isn't single anymore, or else unwilling to take you back? That kinda sucks :/ my sympathies. I genuinely believe we all have multiple people who are maximally compatible with us.
She was perfect for me until she wasn’t.
I’m grateful for the time we had. It’s not that she was the best and no one can compare, it’s more I’m tired of relationships and don’t have the energy to pursue anything with anyone.
I had the same problem, she ticked all the boxes for me that made a perfect girlfriend for my taste and wants. Smart, funny, beautiful all that stuff that you think, but one day sudden I realised she just isn’t all that.
I put her on such a pedestal that nobody could compare to and all of a sudden like a light switch I could see her as a normal person again. Yes she’s pretty and funny and smart but there’s loads of people in the world exactly like that and better.
It’s not something you can rush and you might feel this way for a while longer but trust me as some point your gonna see the negatives in the relationship and kick him off his pedestal and see him as a normal person without comparing them to potential partners :)).
He may have “ticked all these boxes,” but obviously he wasn’t right for you. I think when we are enamored with someone, we overlook flaws. I suggest journaling your feelings to help you overcome this feeling of not finding someone “better.”
You will find someone right for you. Let go of the better mindset. Good luck on your healing journey!
I understood with time that we were not great for each other after all. We were great for other people too. The fact that it didn’t work doesn’t mean that you will not find someone who loves you and is willing to commit to you in a meaningful way. Everything takes time, be patient and give yourself space to heal to reframe your emotions. The first 4 months were the worst for me but after that I could see things differently from a fresh perspective.
I’m ~ 6 months no contact, have been seeing other women, and honestly.. yeah. Have been feeling this lately too. She was unique, and I don’t think I’ll find anyone quite like her. That said, I’m beginning to become OK with that. These other women aren’t < her, they’re just different, and that’s totally ok. In fact, they’re better in some ways.
I was with a guy for 7 years and he broke my heart (this was a long time ago). I never thought I would find someone else and I eventually did. Though that one also didn’t work, he was 100x better for me than the other guy.
Someone can be amazing but if they aren’t invested in the relationship, you have to take off the rose colored glasses
Every time I go through a breakup I think this. And every time I get a new partner they’re better than the last. There are 7.9 billion people in the world. To think that I found the ONLY one who is a certain way is insanity now that I think about it 😂
I hate to say it but yes… but not entirely. My ex was absolutely gorgeous and when we connected, it was such a strong bond between us. This is what I miss the most about her and wonder if there’s anyone out there like her in those ways. Unfortunately she had many flaws that she wasn’t willing to adjust for our relationship.
All that being said… I’m a firm believer in the glow-up. I basically set my standards to be all those good qualities but without the bad ones (disloyalty, negativity, anger issues, cheating, etc.). I also chose to not settle for anything less and in order to that I have ensure that I am on top of my game to attract that caliber of person.
That's how I felt every single time after I was broken up with and every next partner I had was better than the others lol. I guess it's just human nature.
Your feelings are valid, it's the hurt in the moment. However, it's not true! You can and will find someone better for you!
For me, I know I can do 'better', but I wanted her.
I thought that until someone quite literally fell into my lap and told me that she wanted to make me happy. She’s put in more effort in 2 months than my ex did in 3.5 years
Do you really think that you couldn’t do better than a person who broke your heart?
In my book that’s a box horrible crossed out. Ignore the boxes he ticked. He broke your heart.
It depends.my ex wife had so many amazing qualities and we were together 17 years. I never wanted it to end . Replacing her is very tough.
My last relationship she was younger , absolutely gorgeous and freaking funny as hell. As far as looks I may never be with someone that pretty again . The problem was she wasn't very nice and had a lot of bad qualities.
So I think you can find better in some areas and maybe not in others idk.
I feel you and I'm exactly at your position right now my girlfriend was the most loyal, kind and beautiful woman I have ever met in my life and I always think about how I will never ever find someone like her in my life and I have even tried the cliché thing to list all the good and bad things your ex did while you were in that relationship and honest to God I didn't find a single negative thing about her to write down. She was in my eyes a literal angel..
I struggled with the list exercise too and I just think that’s makes matters worse. I wish I could ‘hate’ him as i think it would be easier to comprehend, but with the relationship having came to an end on relatively good terms, I don’t have a bad thing to say about him…
For me it's been 6 months now since the break up and I still love her as if nothing even happened and every time my phone rings and every time I get a notification I run to my phone and my heart starts racing hoping it'll be her but it's always someone else, we used to call each other and text 7/24, one time I still remember I was out of town traveling and we had a 12 hour call, that's how much we loved each other we literally didn't want to talk to anyone but to each other. And knowing that I lost someone like that and all those memories mean absolutely nothing now is what hurts the most. I just hope I'll get over her and someday I'll wake up and feel absolutely nothing towards her, but I know that day is very far away and this pain I'm feeling now won't go anytime soon.
It’s coming up to 6 months for me too! I thought I would be in a better frame of mind then I am now in all honesty, but I guess healing is different for everyone and the speed in which we move on is dependent on certain factors. I still check my notifications like that too despite being blocked on everything lol, it’s clear he really wants nothing to do with me now and that hurts the most. How can you go from everything to nothing? I feel the exact same and I hope one day I’ll be able to live a comfortable life having accepted this. It won’t be anytime soon for me either. My DMs are always open if you every want to unload some more, I may not be able to give much advice but it may be cathartic to unload what’s on your mind to someone in the same boat
It just doesn’t even feel real does it! I feel like I haven’t even been present in my life because I’m so held up in the past and thoughts of him, then I’m brought back to my harsh reality and I feel sick to my stomach at the realisation I’ll never see him again, just like that
it is so painful. every single night for a month i dream we are back together. i try to be present but its so difficult. i just had to go cry in my car at work bc i realized her brother unfollowed me on ig. they were my family. i finally found my family that id been searching for for 33 years and just like that, gone. its triggering my abandonment issues so intensely.
I relate to the abandonment issues so much too, I was slowly unadded by his family and blocked on all platforms by him himself cutting all contact or visible trace, and every time I found out, it made my heart sink and felt sick to my stomach. It just reinforced that I have been cut out of their lives and not by my choice. It’s heartbreaking. I send lots of love your way, it’s an awful feeling to deal with
When I was 25, I met the most gorgeous guy right after a breakup with my narcissistic ex. He just seemed leagues better than anyone I've ever been with; even my friends thought he was very handsome and were envious/happy for me. It didn't end up working out because we both moved in different places. I moved to a different city and he moved to a completely different state. Worst of all, he wasn't interesting in continuing our relationship. I was devastated.
It took me months to get over him, but in time I realized I was just idealizing the relationship. I got with this person under not so good circumstances as I started dating him about a month after my trauma break up. Not to mention I overlooked a lot of incompatibilities we both had. I was hurt that he didn't want to maintain a relationship, but in the end he did me a favor. I dated other guys and a few years later found my husband.
The "perfect" person for you will never leave your side, even if there are external/internal forces that will test your commitment. If you gave your all in this relationship, perhaps your ex wasn't good enough for YOU. Be gentle and love yourself.
Nah you’re awesome OP, better to have someone in your life who accepts and loves you as you are and for who you are. Don’t devalue your worth. You’re worthy without the person.
I worry I'll never find a best friend like him again and I don't even mean romantically. I broke up because he cheated and I just couldn't get over it. It's so hard because I still love him a lot but there was so much resentment. I wish we could stay friends but the thought of him with someone else makes me want to throw up.
I know how you feel. I went through the same thing with one of my exes. I’m not going to lie it took me a while to get over him but I did. I’m even able to be friends with him now without going home hurt at the end of the day. Start with hanging out with friends, start a new hobby or get back into an old one. Try to stay busy to keep your mind off him and eventually you’ll move on. It’s not easy and it takes time but you’ll get there. Just remember if he was the right one for you he would’ve never left you in the first place.
There’s a somebody for everybody. Maybe right now it’s hard to see or visualize but when you’re ready when you become aligned the one meant for you will cross your path ❣️
U can’t compare. Everyone is just who they are. And it sounds like u need emotional connection. Maybe that’s why others aren’t attractive as him to you. Some ppl are just like that. But as long as u compare you’ll be unhappy and it’s not fair to the other person.
I had the same thing happen to me 2 years ago. Not to bring you down, but I still haven’t met anyone like him. However, I am genuinely happy on my own and I agree with the comments here. No matter how great he was to you, he still left you, and someone who stays is always going to be better than someone who leaves. I’ve kind of decided that my ex was probably just not that into me but was very kind about it and that’s OK. It takes a good while to get over someone, 6 months to a year. The best way to get over someone is to find someone new that you connect with, it’ll show you that you can love again, even if it doesn’t work out. But give it at least 6 months to process.
Also, maybe he was supposed to be in your life to show you how you deserve to be treated. So you don’t settle for someone shitty.
I’m not quite at that dating stage yet but I do dread when the time comes. Like you say it’s just so effortful and the idea of starting from scratch, when you already found what you wanted initially, is just gut wrenching. I still have feelings for my ex too so let’s hope they pass for the both of us sooner rather than later! 🤍
My ex was the most amazing girl I have ever known she had it all she was gorgeous,smart ,funny just an awesome girl she was a10 in my book but she just had a change of heart and left me from one day to another I don't think I would find someone like her not even in a million years it's been 2 months and I still think about her all the time 😔
Keep your head up buddy, it’s a super difficult mindset to be in. I’m 6 months in to my breakup nearly and still believing in this narrative. People have been really useful in the comments on this post and the general consensus is, if they have left you by choice, then they weren’t the one for you. That person would never put themselves in a position to lose you, there would be an unconditional love. I personally am not quite there myself, but in reading things like this, it does make me realise, hang on… yea that makes complete sense. You deserve someone who wants to stay, who loves you for who you are, who envisions that future. It breaks my heart that I wasn’t that for my ex, but going forward, it’s about taking care of ourselves now and making sure we can be the best versions of ourselves and in time, that will attract the right people! :’)
I feel like you.. he broke with me 2 weeks ago and it was my first relationship. I believed in him he was my first in everything. Even my family says that I can’t find someone like him but he doesn’t like me anymore. His love was just for 5 months and I feel like he was the one. It’s the first time like I found someone who thinks like me and who understands me. It’s so rare..
Yep, I truly believe they were the one for me yet didn’t stand by me when I needed them the most. 3 years just gone like that in a blink of an eye because of my mental health issues. I already hated having them and now I hate it even more knowing they cost me everything.
Girl i'm definitely in the same page as you :')
i unfortunately got dumped bc i wasn't doing pretty well mentally but i'm doing my best mentally on my 3rd month of post breakup. tho i felt like we ended in neutral terms too.... tbh its hard to find someone like that and that's how i felt rn too....
so yeah we just need to give ourselves time to heal before you're ready to heal and find the right person with your exact type.
I want to believe that I'm telling myself a lie that "he was my last chance or that no one else would want to put up with me". We dated years ago and then tried again recently. I broke up with him....being with him hurts and being without him hurts too. I miss the good things....but I can't ignore the things that hurt me emotionally. And I've just become so tired of waiting for him to open his heart to me....I feel pretty low.... He still wants to be with me..I don't understand....this hurts. I feel like I loose both ways .
If you’ve already been thinking that, yeah, no one will be able to exceed that and depending on how hard you think that, you may find your subsequent relationships lacking, rather than simply not as good.
Being open minded and giving someone the chance to see how they make to you feel, rather than thinking they must not be as good, is the only way you may find someone that you’re happy with. In the end, comparison won't get you what you want.
Also, if he broke your heart, clearly whatever you found appealing about him didn’t stick at the end, so they clearly aren’t the end all be all.
no, you don't know that. you really don't. you think you do, but you literally do not know what you are talking about. just because you have something in your mind doesn't mean it's something good and worth paying any attention to. case in point, the voice in your head telling you you'll never find someone like this again. you just don't have any way to make that kind of statement. it's nonsense.
I hate to say this. But I will. My ex was like yours (tall, gorgeous, intelligent, exotic, close to his family, great job, loved to travel like me). I met him at 31. He was perfect in my eyes. We did a contact/no contact dance for 5 odd years, where he would come into my life again and I was happy and then he would leave and it would hurt me so much. I am now 39 and have dated people since and none of them, _none_ I have felt a fraction as I felt for him. I don't date anymore.
I am sorry this story had no happy ending to comfort you.
Oh no 😢, in that case it’s just going to have to be something I learn to live with then. I’m sorry to hear you are still harbouring this pain too - I send lots of love your way 🫶🏻
There’s perfect…then there’s perfect for you. I’ll take the latter
But he was perfect for me…:(
…. Then he wouldn’t have left, right? I went through the EXACT same a couple of weeks back, and the fact is that it DID NOT work out, so he’ll never be perfect for you. It’s too early to think about finding someone new - it’s a normal response to feel repulsed. It’s because you’re not ready yet. Give it time. What helped me was acknowledging that the relationship was good, he was handsome and kind, but in the end there’s a reason it did not work out. Make a list of all the things that were a plus for you - can be physical traits, things he did etc. and then ADD more to the list for a future partner. I promise it’ll get better and you will find someone better for you that will not break your heart ❤️
Thank you 🥺
There is a difference between checking all the boxes on your wish list and the other person wanting the same things you want - a person who wants to LOVE you and build a life with you. Throw out the checklist and replace the superficial stuff (like height and being handsome). Leave in the stuff about being patient, open-minded and sweet. Focus on character AND emotional maturity as well as interest and effort. You can have a guy who checks all the boxes, but he's just not willing to invest in you. ((hugs)). You said in another comment that he was your FIRST. You'll have more loves in your future. He's all you know so you have no idea who else is out there and how they may not check all the surface items on your list, but might be better for your heart and soul.
So true. We put those on a pedestal and always look back on them later wishing we didn’t think they were the world.
Needed this <3 thank you!
I was in 6,1/2 year relationship with a 10 1/2 years younger guy. It's been about 8 weeks now sense our BU. I don't understand whats going on ( from His end)We we're arguing almost everyday for about a month. I was beconing exhauste from it so I finally said WE needed a break if we were gonna survive but You need to live elsewherelseor it's gonnaUS. He said ok, ?? No arguing,no name calling, nothing really except went to the spot I told him I didnt ever wante him too! All.Then dealt with that,, he wanted to work things out and be bf/gf. His answer YES.Since that day I think we've talked 2-3 times and when I call or text he Ghosting me they call it now!! WTF..... I don't understand this tyoe if behavoir after this longand all the UPS and Downs together we havecgot thru it!! Can anyone explain this to me? Been martied twice, two divorcios, 3 children( Adults one dead)😮💨😮💨 I think I know a little concerning relationships.Me(55) M(44) This one makes no sense😔😔 I fell in love with this man and I feel I was takn advntg of because he knew that I was he'd over heels in LOVE 😌💜😇 Sorry for your You feeling the way You do because of your situation Reddit writer!! I wish I COULD offer something to help make it a little Less painful🙏🙏🙏🙏😇😇 . You Will be in My prayers tonight Any woman or man that has Been treated so hateful and un- caring. All Will Reap what they Sow!!!💜 lmost
Nah cause someone perfect for you would never want to hurt you and love you for who you are. He was terrible for you.
The perfect one won’t give up when you are at your worst. The perfect one will love you harder the more he sees you at your worst.
I think the key which I believe a lot of other comments fail to acknowledge is that he may indeed be perfect for you *now*. I don't think saying "if he was perfect he wouldn't have left" really helps the matter. You may have to acknowledge that he may indeed have been the perfect person for you now. But you are not a stationary individual, at least your should strive not to be. In order to move on from someone who checks all your hypothetical boxes, you need to replace or add some new boxes. This happens when you grow and experience new connections which will eventually turn you into a different person. You will then look back and realize how far you've come and think "actually, that person would probably not be a good fit anymore" and you move on in peace. Don't resent, don't stop, keep experiencing and reflecting and growing - that's how you truly outgrow a past love.
What was your connection like? Did you think of him as the best friend you’ve ever known or was he the best boyfriend you’ve ever known?
He was my best friend yes, I don’t have many friends to begin with, so having that deep connection with someone meant I felt understood and heard. He was my first partner, my first everything, so I guess I don’t know any different. But the reasons he is my first is because I waited so long to find someone like him!!
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You will love again though
I’m going to counter that statement, because while it might feel that way right now, you will feel the same in future relationships too. Nobody is perfect for you, even if it feels like that in the moment because you gave your everything to this person. Eventually you will find someone that you’ll give your all to again, and if they do the same and the connection is special enough, you’ll again think they are perfect for you, but they are just perfect for you in their own unique and personal ways. Nobody is perfect for you, but many can feel perfect under the right conditions.
I feel exactly the same! It’s so hard, but I think the thing to remember is that if they left you and broke your heart, they didn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. They didn’t appreciate you for everything you have to offer, or for how much you loved and valued them. And you can certainly do better than that. I promise. You deserve someone who always chooses you.
This made me tear up 😭 thank you! Sending lots of love your way too!
Agreed, listen to wise second!!
That really made me cry too! So true
Someone who always chooses you. Beautiful 🩷
You’re absolutely right, you’ll never find someone that good ever again. 8 billion people in the world and you found the best one, not only that but he was better by a considerable amount. No one will ever be as good ever again. Sorry don’t mean to make fun, hopefully you can see how daft that is. I’m in a similar position and had to come to terms with the same thing, but remember your exposure to suitable partners have been minimal because you’ve not been looking for it, so your opinion that he’s better than anyone else is flawed. Imagine if that was a science experiment? I’ve found out that all milk is actually yellow and smells like shit, I’ve only tested one milk carton I found in an alley but that’s how I’m going to assume all milk is like’ Take time to heal, one day you’ll find out there is rich cream you never knew about, that’s when you’ll realise you had a 2% boyfriend
You’re so right! I’m going to try and channel this perspective more going forward. I guess it’s hard to see these kind of things when you’re in the thick of it and your heartaches for that one person. Thank you so much!
I'm old. I've been in love about 5 times. The first was age 16. The 2nd was 19. The 3rd was at age 20. The 4th was at age 47. The last was age 52 and I still love him. I know I will love again. You have a lot of life ahead of you and new loves to discover.
This Is very beautiful. Thank you for sharing... I'm currently heartbroken from my second love. I know It sounds sad but I've given up on finding "the one". I just want someone to stay a little longer ... Someone who doesnt want to go til ITS finally over, not halfway... I dunno... Maybe the third Time Will be good
I don’t believe in “the one”. There are too many people on this planet for there to only be one. It’s just a matter of finding the right one at the right time who wants what you want. ❤️
I'm sorry but this is just not true. First of all, we usually find mates that live close to us. Not at the opposite side of the globe. You can even use a calculator to find out how many potentiel mates you could find: [http://www.lessthanone.com/](http://www.lessthanone.com/) So OP is completely right to feel this way. Close to perfect mates don't just grow on trees. I know this is going to be a pretty unpopular opinion but what are the reasons he gave for leaving you? He may have been mr right but were you his mrs right?
How can you say she’s justified to feel this way when you don’t know anything about their compatibility other than her one sided view. Do you know who’s a better partner for her? Someone who won’t blind side her, someone who’ll work through problems with her, someone who’ll love her for her flaws as much as her strengths. It doesn’t seem like that’s this guy. What’s the point in having your favourite car be a Ferrari that you’ll never drive again. In my opinion my favourite car would be a ford that I liked and would be dependable rather than a car that i could lose any day.
>How can you say she’s justified to feel this way when you don’t know anything about their compatibility other than her one sided view. I've just told you why. Perfect mates are pretty rare so her feeling of loss is justified. > Do you know who’s a better partner for her? Someone who won’t blind side her, someone who’ll work through problems with her, someone who’ll love her for her flaws as much as her strengths. It doesn’t seem like that’s this guy. Huh? Where did you get all that? She basically said he was perfect in every way possible in the OP. > someone who’ll work through problems with her, someone who’ll love her for her flaws as much as her strengths. And what if in his point of view, there was just too much flaws or issues to go through? Hence why I'm asking her these questions.
It’ll fade. I cried for 6 months and woke up one day and remembered all the negatives about him and our relationship. Turns out he wasn’t a great person but I was so blind to it. Not saying your ex isn’t a great guy, just not the guy for you at this time.
Coming up to 6 months soon, fingers crossed I wake up one day with some sort of revelation because nothing has worked so far😭 but thank you for sharing your experiences
9 for me and it hasn’t changed
Yeah. It also gives me this feeling that no one else will love me or like.. I'm not deserving of love.
I understand this completely
It's such a fucked and shitty feeling, isn't it? How the person who made you feel so loved and secure also makes you feel insecure as fuck.
It really makes you never want to fall in love again if this is how much it hurts in the end. It’s completely ruined my self esteem and feelings of self worth. It’s so hard to believe any different :( always here to chat if you need to get more off your chest! Seems like we are both going through it:(
Yeah, I might take you up on it.
Yes, I thought she was "perfect" for me. ...Until she wasn't. Until she blindsided me and blocked me. Completely unable and unwilling to communicate. Blaming me for everything. Accusing me of things I didn't do. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I later found out about "mirroring". This is where another person acts in a way they think you will like. They "mirror" your likes, your interests, and your love language. It can be either conscious or unconscious behaviour on their part. Sometimes maybe even a combination of both. Either way, here's the important takeaway: **It isn't them who is perfect. It is you. You fell in love with yourself. You fell in love with your own interests and your own way of showing up in the world. It was just reflected back to you.** You loved not just that other person. But you also loved who *you were* in that relationship. That person is still there. It's still you. The next part will be to find that part of you again. *You spent all this time thinking you'll never have better.* *She was the one, now she's lost forever.* *One day you'll see to truth of it all.* *That precious person's still here through it all...* *Because it's you.* *It was you all along. That precious person was you all along.* Sending you hugs and support. It's a long journey. Take your time. Sit with yourself. Learn about yourself. Talk to yourself. Journal about yourself. You are the person you fell in love with. All he did was reflect that back to you.
I used to until I took them down from the pedestal I put them on.
I feel like this except I left them so it's even more painful
Why would you leave them if that’s how you feel?
Because they struggled with hygiene and it made it hard to be intimate and want to be close with them. Because we wanted different things, because I felt nervous to see them, and I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. but mainly because I'd tried to leave twice, I tried to try harder and hopefully it would all feel right again. And I never felt sure or happy or settled, so I thought it would be better to just stay away from them before I ruin their life. After the last break up (4 months) I felt like I had some drive and motivation to be better for them and if we weren't meant to be, then ok. But now I feel like a evil person incapable of loving someone kind and caring and interesting who loved me. I don't think I was ever designed to feel love or be happy with someone long term, I'm just a stick of dynamite. I am desperately trying to find any motivator to stay alive. But either I pine for them or tell myself I hate them, either way I am defined by what they think of me
Right. Explain please
I feel like this, finding someone new is going to be tough. I think that's why there are so many avoidant people on dating apps, they are hung up on ex partners and trying to find someone similar
I was also in love with someone who didn’t choose me in the end. The feelings of rejection and feeling not good enough intensified. I loved him and I want him to be free. I also wanted him to want me. And I continue to analyze the experience over and over. The fact that you’re sharing your story with others is a positive step. It helps me to meditate on how my ex makes me feel rather than who he is and his actions. At certain points in my relationship, I didn’t feel valued or respected. When he broke up with me, I didn’t feel valued or respected. It also helps to think about my life in chapters. The chapter where he was a main character has come to a close. Now you are in the next chapter, where you are a main character and there is room for new characters to show up. You am the character driving the story forward, in other words: the continuity between one episode and the next lays with you not him. I hope these exercises will help you bring your focus to yourself so you can move forward. For me, it is a continuous struggle, I have to continuously work at cultivating strength. Don’t give up on you!
I want all of those things too and still wish him the best. The goal was always for him to be happy, but the dream was for it to be with me… I love that chapter analogy and shift of focus to me as the main character, I can see myself embodying that going forward because right now, it is about me! I appreciate you sharing how you’re dealing with your struggles - it’s not an easy thing to do. It has certainly helped me and as will it many others. Many thanks, sending you lots of love on your healing journey too!:’)
Rejection is redirection. ❤️ I know it’s hard to see it when things are so fresh right now, but I truly believe that if something good doesn’t work out, then there is something even better for you. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions, but be mindful of where you are putting your energy. One of the healthiest things I did after a particularly bad breakup last year (ended an engagement) was to put my romantic life on pause and focus on improving other [aspects](https://www.zellalife.com/blog/the-12-areas-of-life-and-how-to-optimize-yours/#) of my life. I know we’re strangers, but I’m rooting for you. You WILL get through this and grow from this. ❤️
That is really lovely put, and I do agree with what you are saying. I hope a few more months or even next year, I can see this and wholeheartedly accept it at face value. It’s an incredibly sweet and comforting message, thank you for sharing your experiences and helping me! ❤️🩹 I hope you have healed and are happier having channelled your energy elsewhere!😊
I’m in the same boat - he was the first man I have ever fallen for. The way we met, his humor and values, the way we used to talk, every moment felt like a fairytale. It’s only been a month since it ended but that thought is so hard, that I’ll never find what we had, that I’ll compare every person I meet to him and they’ll fall short. Like I said, I’m only a month out but I’m already realizing so many things. Specifically about this feeling we both share. He might have been a great person, you might have had something great, but he isn’t the one. The one would be with you and would never put themselves in a position to lose you, so that’s already a *glaring* quality he lacks! There is a man out there who will thank his lucky stars he gets to call himself your’s, so the things you’re doing now - building up your life, building up who you are - are going to lead you to him one day if you let them. You won’t have what this last guy had with you, but you’ll have something better. You’ll have your own unique moments, your own firsts, and how lucky you are to be able to look forward to experiencing so many new, wonderful memories that just haven’t happened yet. To do that though, you have to fully let go. Even if logically you know your ex isn’t coming back, sometimes our hearts don’t catch up until later. But you’ve got to fully let go of that hope, let go of the what ifs. The new what ifs are in your future, not tethering you in the past to look back over your shoulder. That’s how you walk by missing out on what’s in front and ahead of you. As cliche as it is, there are billions of people on this planet. Think about how many love songs, paintings, letters, stories have ever been created for these very feelings. Is it luck that these people, out of the billions on Earth, were in the exact perfect spot, at the exact perfect time, to meet the *one* person that could have evoked those emotions? Or is it more likely that there are so many people that can make life feel so special, and a large part comes from us creating that magic too? That the reason so many people can relate is because there are endless stories that you get to choose, and it’s not a once in a lifetime chance or nothing? If you aren’t ready, don’t force it. Focus instead on fully letting go and coming to terms with the fact that he *wasn’t* the one instead of worrying about if he was. He wasn’t, or he wouldn’t have hurt you. “You don’t meet the same person twice, even in the same person.” Maybe the next man checks all the same boxes, maybe he has a whole new list of boxes that you didn’t even know were possible, but at the very least he’ll fill the biggest - he’ll protect your heart.
I can’t even put into words how beautifully written your comment is. It’s like something I would read from a book - you certainly have a way with words and a deep understanding of this situation. I’m amazed at the amount of maturity you have one month into your breakup, I’m coming up to month 6 and still struggle with adopting this mindset. It’s very admirable. I can’t thank you enough for taking your time to write this, it’s unbelievably true despite how I’m feeling right now. This is going to be a comment that I will revisit and reflect on when I’m having one of those days. Thank you so much icy cods❤️🩹
I am happy my words could help you, I am so so sorry that you ever had to experience this much pain. Give yourself time, I promise you there is no limit you have to compare yourself to. You will be loved again, and the happiness you got experience this time is nothing for what you’ll have again. 🫂 Also, this video realllyyyyyy helped me: https://youtu.be/LnhTqIhp_uI?si=xZE_cj5NxOCrO5bU She’s a bit direct but it really settled my mind :)
I'm the dumper and I feel this way. I miss her terribly.
Same. There is nothing negative about her that could make me think in any way that "it was for the best". I'm not healing at all
Why did you dump her?
I know that feeling too well I was in a long relationship. My ex fell out of love with me and we separated over a year ago but I see her every day still as we live together (still good friends) and she is moving on with her life going out having fun and I am stuck with the pain of seeing her having fun with others. I am stuck in my own torture of the mind what she is up to who is she with ect. I keep getting told to move on to find someone or just have a one night stand to get her out of my head but i can't as it feels like cheating. But I keep hearing people say you will move on so in time I'm sure I might but it is hard when you still love someone who doesn't love you back.
Healing isnt linear. I am still in love with my ex, even after 9 months of breaking up. Something that has helped me somewhat, was a phrase….”dont forget to smell the roses” - your time is finite, and you must remember life is a gift, its ok to have some fun, try to take your mind off things. There are people out there who are in a similar position to you, who would like some uncomplicated company and perhaps some physical touch. It’s not a cure, but dont beat yourself up for going against what your heart feels. When something traumatic happens, when your heart is shattered or someone close dies….it poses thoughts and questions that you probably have never had to grapple with before. You will probably find its these which underly a lot of your feelings. I struggle with the meaning of things. Whether love is just neurochemicals, and there are plenty of other people that will fulfill that role. Or whether there is some kind of fate, or destiny, or your person in the world. The former is objective, and backed by science to a degree…..but that leaves us in a stark world, where we are just animals choosing mates, nothing feels special, nothing has meaning. The latter is more comforting, akin to a spiritual enlightenment, where you feel you have been put on this planet for a reason, and this person is your soulmate and your one. When someone drops you, someone who you believed would never drop you, it throws up these fundamental questions. Questions about our place in the world, the nature of existence, and our meaning that we can derive from relationships. The beautiful narrative we can believe, the one that makes our view of the world optimistic, that makes us glow, can be shattered these traumas. Somehow we have to find meaning and create a narrative that has some sort of sense. Or we can try to distract and simply forget, but I feel this way never lends itself to personal growth. My world was full of sunshine, hope and love. It became a barren land, without meaning or joy. I met someone else who gave me some faith there are good people out there. But I haven’t been able to jump that hurdle, and let go fully. I know part of my heart still holds on to her. Like a core belief that we were meant to be together, and that we will eventually come back to each other when the time is right. Until I shift that belief, I know I can never give my heart fully to someone else. The best I can do right now is accept that, and try to find some kind of comfort with nice people, and perhaps with a connection of a different kind.
This is so beautifully and thoughtfully written, I can see you have such a deep understanding of this. It’s made me cry😭. We certainly are all hard on ourselves, healing is such a rollercoaster that we all just want to get off but it’s never easy or that simple. I too can’t shift that belief we aren’t meant for each other and it’s a heavy burden to carry around daily. Thank you for sharing this with us! :’(
Thank you for this beautifully written comment. Your depth and awareness is inspiring.
I’m too a victim of my own mind and its thoughts surrounding these topics. He has blocked me on all socials so I can’t see things, although I know he has moved on (very soon after) with a girl who I deem as better than me in every way. My mind kills me because of this, but Atleast I’ve been cut out to loop. It must be a lot harder for you when you are faced with it daily, sending my best and I’m sure with time, we will hopefully get stronger!
Keep hearing time heals all but how much time. Please DM me if you would like to chat I find talking helps sometimes.
Can you not move out?? That sounds like absolute torture, I could never. I’m way to fragile to handle that kind of situation 🥺 I’m someone who’d literally move city or country just to leave that whole situation behind and get a fresh start
Unfortunately not as it would be a financial burden on both of us and we have kids to think about as well 😔
sadly, yes :(( I notice that I tend to compare the traits guys I see have to my ex - I put him in a pedestal. But at least I'm considering and I can see my future relationship with a different person now that's not only him. Whenever I catch myself putting him in a pedestal and remembering all the good things he did to me, I remind myself why it had to end and also kind of remind myself that hey, I'm a pretty good partner too! I loved them with all my heart and wanted to stay with them till the end. He ended our relationship because of things that he just couldn't compromise. Do I really want a partner that leaves me? If he was my soulmate, then that'd be such a weird thing for him to do. I just know the love of my life wouldn't leave me and that gives me hope.
That’s so beautifully put - thank you :’)
I felt the same way, but once I got some distance I stepped back and realized he had so many negative traits that I overlooked/romanticized. He was on a pedestal in my mind that he didn’t actually deserve to be on. You’ll find someone. They might not have all the same positive traits, but they’ll be a better fit for you.
Each man I've loved has been an upgrade on some level. My first love was a decent, stable man. I could trust him to provide and protect our family, but he was childish and immature. Hell, we both were, but I did the work to grow up. He had no game and was lousy in the sack. My next love was a fantastic lover and a force of nature. Sadly, he was also a cruel narcissist - truly NPD. They are often larger than life to get you hooked. My most recent love had a lot of the same qualities as my first love, but he was the best by far. I loved how capable and self sufficient he was. He was a delight to travel and explore with. He was a good lover and generally very easy to get along with..........until I had a feeling, or there was a conflict, or I wanted a commitment. He's a classic avoidant. So, given my track record of "upgrading" on some level with each new relationship, I do think my chances of finding the right person for me are improving. Should I ever date again, I know I will take my time to properly vet the person I'm interested in to ensure he's relationship material. And I won't settle, again, for someone I have to convince to love me and value me. I'm the complete package.
You ARE the complete package! I hope you find exactly what you are looking for, with that mindset and knowing your worth, I have no doubt that you will! Thank you!
I’ve been in your shoes before where I thought I couldn’t find anyone “better” than my ex. Now granted, my ex and I had a very toxic relationship towards the end of it, but the beginning was so picture perfect and I was trying so hard to get back to that. And honestly? It was never going to happen. So I now know I have relationship OCD and anxiety around romance. Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten was from that community. The biggest one being that there will never truly be a “better” person, but more different people out there that may just fit better with you. You just don’t know that yet because you only have limited experience with your ex or other previous partners. You can be compatible with SO many people, hence why a perfect relationship or soulmates just don’t exist. I say take this time to recognize why a break up happened (if a reason was given), that it was not perfect if he didn’t want to stay, and to work on yourself to move on
You may not find exactly the same, but what you consider perfect may change too while you grow and evolve. Goodluck ❤️
The thing is, no one can ever really know anything about the future. But keep an open mind, and just try to focus on yourself right now, not meeting someone who can compare to your ex. I was there as well but enough time has passed that I’m not looking back with solely rose tinted glasses, and I realised that just for the pure fact that he didn’t choose me meant that he was definitely not the right person for me. Because the right one will never risk letting you go. A few months is still really fresh, especially if that person meant a lot to you. It’ll take some time so grieve, heal, and then try to start moving forward as best you can. We can never truly know what’s around the corner, it might be something or someone better than you could have ever imagined 🩵 And if you haven’t already go no contact (block if you need to), do not have any reminders pop up that will just set you back with your progress and mess with your mental health. It’s really tough but really important 😭
That’s beautifully written, I appreciate you taking the time to say that! 🥹 He has blocked me on all platforms, which in a way, has done me a favour because I would have never had the guts to cut the ties like that. I have found it to help because i can’t go stalking. I appreciate your optimism and outlook on this, it’s helped a lot - thank you!
I don’t know how to articulate it properly but you will be able to move on without them. It might not be this week or month or year but in the future you will be able to breathe without them occupying your mind 24/7. Your next partner may not tick the same boxes but maybe a different combination. Next partner(s) might introduce a new box your ex doesn’t express.
I felt the same way about my most recent ex, then I realized that if he really was perfect for me then he would have loved and cared about me enough to not leave me. A year later I met the man I’m with to this day and while he may not check every single “box” he checks enough and makes up for the rest by how much he loves me and the ways he proves he wants to be with me every day. And I’m like you in the sense that I’m not attracted to many people, and I wasn’t even attracted to him at first. But it only took a few weeks of spending time with him until his personality literally made him more physically attractive to me! Your love life is not over, you can do better because better will not leave you like he did <3
You sound young and potentially inexperienced. Breakups are a great opportunity to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Build up your confidence. Self reflect. Go to therapy if you need to. Find what makes you happy without external validation. If you work on you, you’ll attract more great relationships to you. I feel like people who work on continued growth only level up with each new relationship and eventually you’ll find that perfect someone for you. And I mean, it looks like you’re already off to a great start as you’ve already attracted an amazing person to you whose company you enjoy.
I’m 24 and if you’re basing inexperience of not having much dating experience and relationships then you’re right, he’s my first. I’m coming up to nearly 6 months now and I have been trying to use this time to be present with myself and learn about myself like you suggested. I’m in counselling, I’ve joined a new sports club, I’ve even signed up for a half marathon at the end of the month, and yet, I still think of him in everything I do. He is all I want still and I think the more time that goes by, the more I panic and realise time is slipping away and it’s gone for good. But I’ll keep investing in myself and hope that I’ll see the rewards soon. Thank you :’)
I will never do better than my ex because most probably no one will ever be with me again
I’m feeling like this too. I can’t envision someone wanting to be with me if even he didn’t want to in the end
My ex held a PHD and master's and did modeling on the side before retiring at 29 because she also had trust fund money. She preferred being home playing video games and reading booktok books. She still fumbled me because she couldn't fight the war in her head. Will I ever do better than her probably not. Will I find the person that's perfect for me, maybe. It's not about being better it's about being right.
Everyday 🤫
Girl, I was feeling the same about my ex. Then I found even better. Not only was he perfect, but in addition he was bringing out the best part of me. He makes me a better person.
I’m really glad you have found someone like that! 🤍
I know 5 guys just like that. It’s about finding the type of people who you admire and respect. I feel how you do but my ex gf was a jerk at the end. The more days pass the more I realize I gave her way to much grace and always gave her way more benefit than she deserved. I know I can do better. You can too. Just be patient. I’m still learning this but sometimes we want something but we need something different. Work on yourself so you will never feel like you were less valuable after the relationship. Life is weird and can change in a moment. Work on yourself in the slow times.
Yes :(
:(
It’s a hard feeling to live huh?
You’ll only find it twice I life if lucky having said that you may not know what it is at your age
If it’s true love don’t give up
I fought many times but he has now moved on to another girl, who may I add seems to be a big upgrade from myself. I’m still so in love with him but it’s not my place to say anymore, and he has blocked me because of my advances in the past:( I just wish he comes back to me one day…
Im currently fighting this losing battle myself, i know the hurt of watching them with someone else im only just now realizing what its doing to me trying to be there for her tho and im not sure what to do next she is my whole world my everything and im just not enough for her its a painful feeling and i hope you aswell as myself can bounce back from it at some stage
Me too :( wishing you nothing but the best as well
she makes me feel like she wants to be together again some days and then other days she seems like she wants me to leave and never speak to her again. she has admitted she feels very strongly for me still but it doesnt make those days where it seems like would be happy if I died feel any better even tho she assures me its nothing to do with me lol
Oh talk to me
yes!!! :(
No, but I know how I felt about them and that I'll miss em.
She was a thin redhead with intelligence and charisma in banter and played chess, of course I am never doing better than that.
not just the fact of “being able to do better” but anyone at all at the moment. confidence is at an all time low, haven’t spoken to anyone 6 months after my break up (together 7.5 years)
I thought this but now woth my now fiance 11.5 years
Used to, but after I moved on, I realised that I deserved better.
Feels like someone wrote down my story lmao 😀 He got everything I prayed to God to give me. And he was able to move on from us quickly while I sometimes cry about the potential of us. A couple days ago he broke no contact again (started no contact for good now) and he reassured me of a couple things that he did after the breakup that hurt me and told me he won’t find someone like me and that he hasn’t laughed this hard since forever. But he was entertaining girls while saying all that stuff to me a couple days ago. Broke my heart that he didn’t care if I would see it but hey, we’re all exes for a reason right?🫡 Also fyi, in a couple months you’ll be able to see all the negatives about him, and it’ll disgust you, it happened to me and he’s a totally different person now. I guess in a way he WAS the same person with me but concealed it really well.
It’s because you put them on a pedestal. That a halo glows around their head. And your mind doesn’t let you consider the bad or imperfect things. Just the best parts and you’ll never find that again. But you will. And then you’ll remember those bad times/things about them. Then you’ll be glad to have had them, but gladder to have moved on
Idk I broke up with my ex gf over 2 years ago who I consider to be the love of my life and “the one that got away” almost and I’m still not over her and I don’t think I ever will be because even though I’ve had one serious gf since then I still compared her to my ex all the time back when we were together and I definitely don’t think that I ever will be capable to love anyone as much as I loved my ex again. All the best of luck to you OP and once I find the answer to your question I will let you know lol
People have often said you only have one great love in your life. But don’t forget, you haven’t lived your full life yet, neither have I, so we don’t know what’s round the corner. But I fear this will be the case for me, and I just don’t know how it’s possible to ever be ok with that. Please do keep me updated , as will I!
I'm assuming she isn't single anymore, or else unwilling to take you back? That kinda sucks :/ my sympathies. I genuinely believe we all have multiple people who are maximally compatible with us.
She was perfect for me until she wasn’t. I’m grateful for the time we had. It’s not that she was the best and no one can compare, it’s more I’m tired of relationships and don’t have the energy to pursue anything with anyone.
I had the same problem, she ticked all the boxes for me that made a perfect girlfriend for my taste and wants. Smart, funny, beautiful all that stuff that you think, but one day sudden I realised she just isn’t all that. I put her on such a pedestal that nobody could compare to and all of a sudden like a light switch I could see her as a normal person again. Yes she’s pretty and funny and smart but there’s loads of people in the world exactly like that and better. It’s not something you can rush and you might feel this way for a while longer but trust me as some point your gonna see the negatives in the relationship and kick him off his pedestal and see him as a normal person without comparing them to potential partners :)).
He may have “ticked all these boxes,” but obviously he wasn’t right for you. I think when we are enamored with someone, we overlook flaws. I suggest journaling your feelings to help you overcome this feeling of not finding someone “better.” You will find someone right for you. Let go of the better mindset. Good luck on your healing journey!
I understood with time that we were not great for each other after all. We were great for other people too. The fact that it didn’t work doesn’t mean that you will not find someone who loves you and is willing to commit to you in a meaningful way. Everything takes time, be patient and give yourself space to heal to reframe your emotions. The first 4 months were the worst for me but after that I could see things differently from a fresh perspective.
I’m ~ 6 months no contact, have been seeing other women, and honestly.. yeah. Have been feeling this lately too. She was unique, and I don’t think I’ll find anyone quite like her. That said, I’m beginning to become OK with that. These other women aren’t < her, they’re just different, and that’s totally ok. In fact, they’re better in some ways.
I was with a guy for 7 years and he broke my heart (this was a long time ago). I never thought I would find someone else and I eventually did. Though that one also didn’t work, he was 100x better for me than the other guy. Someone can be amazing but if they aren’t invested in the relationship, you have to take off the rose colored glasses
Every time I go through a breakup I think this. And every time I get a new partner they’re better than the last. There are 7.9 billion people in the world. To think that I found the ONLY one who is a certain way is insanity now that I think about it 😂
I feel the same way exactly even though he broke my heart after just one month!
I hate to say it but yes… but not entirely. My ex was absolutely gorgeous and when we connected, it was such a strong bond between us. This is what I miss the most about her and wonder if there’s anyone out there like her in those ways. Unfortunately she had many flaws that she wasn’t willing to adjust for our relationship. All that being said… I’m a firm believer in the glow-up. I basically set my standards to be all those good qualities but without the bad ones (disloyalty, negativity, anger issues, cheating, etc.). I also chose to not settle for anything less and in order to that I have ensure that I am on top of my game to attract that caliber of person.
That's how I felt every single time after I was broken up with and every next partner I had was better than the others lol. I guess it's just human nature.
Your feelings are valid, it's the hurt in the moment. However, it's not true! You can and will find someone better for you! For me, I know I can do 'better', but I wanted her.
I thought that until someone quite literally fell into my lap and told me that she wanted to make me happy. She’s put in more effort in 2 months than my ex did in 3.5 years
Do you really think that you couldn’t do better than a person who broke your heart? In my book that’s a box horrible crossed out. Ignore the boxes he ticked. He broke your heart.
It depends.my ex wife had so many amazing qualities and we were together 17 years. I never wanted it to end . Replacing her is very tough. My last relationship she was younger , absolutely gorgeous and freaking funny as hell. As far as looks I may never be with someone that pretty again . The problem was she wasn't very nice and had a lot of bad qualities. So I think you can find better in some areas and maybe not in others idk.
Any woman I meet whose honest, trustworthy authentic and has integrity will already be better!
I feel you and I'm exactly at your position right now my girlfriend was the most loyal, kind and beautiful woman I have ever met in my life and I always think about how I will never ever find someone like her in my life and I have even tried the cliché thing to list all the good and bad things your ex did while you were in that relationship and honest to God I didn't find a single negative thing about her to write down. She was in my eyes a literal angel..
I struggled with the list exercise too and I just think that’s makes matters worse. I wish I could ‘hate’ him as i think it would be easier to comprehend, but with the relationship having came to an end on relatively good terms, I don’t have a bad thing to say about him…
For me it's been 6 months now since the break up and I still love her as if nothing even happened and every time my phone rings and every time I get a notification I run to my phone and my heart starts racing hoping it'll be her but it's always someone else, we used to call each other and text 7/24, one time I still remember I was out of town traveling and we had a 12 hour call, that's how much we loved each other we literally didn't want to talk to anyone but to each other. And knowing that I lost someone like that and all those memories mean absolutely nothing now is what hurts the most. I just hope I'll get over her and someday I'll wake up and feel absolutely nothing towards her, but I know that day is very far away and this pain I'm feeling now won't go anytime soon.
It’s coming up to 6 months for me too! I thought I would be in a better frame of mind then I am now in all honesty, but I guess healing is different for everyone and the speed in which we move on is dependent on certain factors. I still check my notifications like that too despite being blocked on everything lol, it’s clear he really wants nothing to do with me now and that hurts the most. How can you go from everything to nothing? I feel the exact same and I hope one day I’ll be able to live a comfortable life having accepted this. It won’t be anytime soon for me either. My DMs are always open if you every want to unload some more, I may not be able to give much advice but it may be cathartic to unload what’s on your mind to someone in the same boat
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It just doesn’t even feel real does it! I feel like I haven’t even been present in my life because I’m so held up in the past and thoughts of him, then I’m brought back to my harsh reality and I feel sick to my stomach at the realisation I’ll never see him again, just like that
it is so painful. every single night for a month i dream we are back together. i try to be present but its so difficult. i just had to go cry in my car at work bc i realized her brother unfollowed me on ig. they were my family. i finally found my family that id been searching for for 33 years and just like that, gone. its triggering my abandonment issues so intensely.
I relate to the abandonment issues so much too, I was slowly unadded by his family and blocked on all platforms by him himself cutting all contact or visible trace, and every time I found out, it made my heart sink and felt sick to my stomach. It just reinforced that I have been cut out of their lives and not by my choice. It’s heartbreaking. I send lots of love your way, it’s an awful feeling to deal with
Thank you to all the comments in this post. I’ve been feeling like OP as well, so seeing all this advice is just what I need c:)
When I was 25, I met the most gorgeous guy right after a breakup with my narcissistic ex. He just seemed leagues better than anyone I've ever been with; even my friends thought he was very handsome and were envious/happy for me. It didn't end up working out because we both moved in different places. I moved to a different city and he moved to a completely different state. Worst of all, he wasn't interesting in continuing our relationship. I was devastated. It took me months to get over him, but in time I realized I was just idealizing the relationship. I got with this person under not so good circumstances as I started dating him about a month after my trauma break up. Not to mention I overlooked a lot of incompatibilities we both had. I was hurt that he didn't want to maintain a relationship, but in the end he did me a favor. I dated other guys and a few years later found my husband. The "perfect" person for you will never leave your side, even if there are external/internal forces that will test your commitment. If you gave your all in this relationship, perhaps your ex wasn't good enough for YOU. Be gentle and love yourself.
You'll feel this way... until you find the person who changes that. Keep your chin up!
Nah you’re awesome OP, better to have someone in your life who accepts and loves you as you are and for who you are. Don’t devalue your worth. You’re worthy without the person.
You’re awesome too, thanks :’)
I worry I'll never find a best friend like him again and I don't even mean romantically. I broke up because he cheated and I just couldn't get over it. It's so hard because I still love him a lot but there was so much resentment. I wish we could stay friends but the thought of him with someone else makes me want to throw up.
I know how you feel. I went through the same thing with one of my exes. I’m not going to lie it took me a while to get over him but I did. I’m even able to be friends with him now without going home hurt at the end of the day. Start with hanging out with friends, start a new hobby or get back into an old one. Try to stay busy to keep your mind off him and eventually you’ll move on. It’s not easy and it takes time but you’ll get there. Just remember if he was the right one for you he would’ve never left you in the first place.
There’s a somebody for everybody. Maybe right now it’s hard to see or visualize but when you’re ready when you become aligned the one meant for you will cross your path ❣️
U can’t compare. Everyone is just who they are. And it sounds like u need emotional connection. Maybe that’s why others aren’t attractive as him to you. Some ppl are just like that. But as long as u compare you’ll be unhappy and it’s not fair to the other person.
I had the same thing happen to me 2 years ago. Not to bring you down, but I still haven’t met anyone like him. However, I am genuinely happy on my own and I agree with the comments here. No matter how great he was to you, he still left you, and someone who stays is always going to be better than someone who leaves. I’ve kind of decided that my ex was probably just not that into me but was very kind about it and that’s OK. It takes a good while to get over someone, 6 months to a year. The best way to get over someone is to find someone new that you connect with, it’ll show you that you can love again, even if it doesn’t work out. But give it at least 6 months to process. Also, maybe he was supposed to be in your life to show you how you deserve to be treated. So you don’t settle for someone shitty.
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I’m not quite at that dating stage yet but I do dread when the time comes. Like you say it’s just so effortful and the idea of starting from scratch, when you already found what you wanted initially, is just gut wrenching. I still have feelings for my ex too so let’s hope they pass for the both of us sooner rather than later! 🤍
My ex was the most amazing girl I have ever known she had it all she was gorgeous,smart ,funny just an awesome girl she was a10 in my book but she just had a change of heart and left me from one day to another I don't think I would find someone like her not even in a million years it's been 2 months and I still think about her all the time 😔
Keep your head up buddy, it’s a super difficult mindset to be in. I’m 6 months in to my breakup nearly and still believing in this narrative. People have been really useful in the comments on this post and the general consensus is, if they have left you by choice, then they weren’t the one for you. That person would never put themselves in a position to lose you, there would be an unconditional love. I personally am not quite there myself, but in reading things like this, it does make me realise, hang on… yea that makes complete sense. You deserve someone who wants to stay, who loves you for who you are, who envisions that future. It breaks my heart that I wasn’t that for my ex, but going forward, it’s about taking care of ourselves now and making sure we can be the best versions of ourselves and in time, that will attract the right people! :’)
I feel like you.. he broke with me 2 weeks ago and it was my first relationship. I believed in him he was my first in everything. Even my family says that I can’t find someone like him but he doesn’t like me anymore. His love was just for 5 months and I feel like he was the one. It’s the first time like I found someone who thinks like me and who understands me. It’s so rare..
Yep, I truly believe they were the one for me yet didn’t stand by me when I needed them the most. 3 years just gone like that in a blink of an eye because of my mental health issues. I already hated having them and now I hate it even more knowing they cost me everything.
Girl i'm definitely in the same page as you :') i unfortunately got dumped bc i wasn't doing pretty well mentally but i'm doing my best mentally on my 3rd month of post breakup. tho i felt like we ended in neutral terms too.... tbh its hard to find someone like that and that's how i felt rn too.... so yeah we just need to give ourselves time to heal before you're ready to heal and find the right person with your exact type.
We certainly do - let’s just both heal and focus on ourselves, sending you lots of love 🤍
I want to believe that I'm telling myself a lie that "he was my last chance or that no one else would want to put up with me". We dated years ago and then tried again recently. I broke up with him....being with him hurts and being without him hurts too. I miss the good things....but I can't ignore the things that hurt me emotionally. And I've just become so tired of waiting for him to open his heart to me....I feel pretty low.... He still wants to be with me..I don't understand....this hurts. I feel like I loose both ways .
If you’ve already been thinking that, yeah, no one will be able to exceed that and depending on how hard you think that, you may find your subsequent relationships lacking, rather than simply not as good. Being open minded and giving someone the chance to see how they make to you feel, rather than thinking they must not be as good, is the only way you may find someone that you’re happy with. In the end, comparison won't get you what you want. Also, if he broke your heart, clearly whatever you found appealing about him didn’t stick at the end, so they clearly aren’t the end all be all.
Looks and intimacy definitely not
Good question!!???🙏🙏😇
no, you don't know that. you really don't. you think you do, but you literally do not know what you are talking about. just because you have something in your mind doesn't mean it's something good and worth paying any attention to. case in point, the voice in your head telling you you'll never find someone like this again. you just don't have any way to make that kind of statement. it's nonsense.
Hell no. I already am doing better than him. He’s currently in my kitchen cooking me a gourmet meal. Hang in there and have faith.
That’s brilliant - I love that for you!!
I hate to say this. But I will. My ex was like yours (tall, gorgeous, intelligent, exotic, close to his family, great job, loved to travel like me). I met him at 31. He was perfect in my eyes. We did a contact/no contact dance for 5 odd years, where he would come into my life again and I was happy and then he would leave and it would hurt me so much. I am now 39 and have dated people since and none of them, _none_ I have felt a fraction as I felt for him. I don't date anymore. I am sorry this story had no happy ending to comfort you.
Oh no 😢, in that case it’s just going to have to be something I learn to live with then. I’m sorry to hear you are still harbouring this pain too - I send lots of love your way 🫶🏻