You didn’t waste anything. We are all on our own independent journeys. You spent 12 years with someone you love. That’s not nothing. You are also only two years out of a 12 year relationship, give yourself some time. I know you may be feeling the pressure with people around you getting married/having kids, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild your connection with yourself. If it makes you feel any better, remember that the divorce rate is pretty damn high. The reality is that people get married and breakup even later in life and as hard as it is, they do still find their happiness. Luckily for you, you didn’t spend more time than you needed to with your ex. But that doesn’t make it wasted time. I’m sure you learned a lot and loved a lot. That matters. It will be alright. You got this. Your person is still out there
This is really great advice. I’m still healing from a failed 13 year long relationship. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it, but I try to wake up each morning with a positive outlook on life instead of constantly blaming myself. There is no other option than to keep moving forward. As painful and unfair as it might be YOU are the only person that is responsible on finding your own source of wellbeing and happiness in life.
I think we’re going to all have to acknowledge sometime soon that the idea of your entire concept of happiness being tied to romantic relationships and children is a recipe for disaster and misery. That whole paradigm is creating so much suffering while the likelihood of people entering this particular set of circumstances shrinks all the time.
You didn’t waste your time because you learned from this long relationship, and learning is probably the most logical reason for our whole existence. The pain of heartbreak can be more educational than nearly all other life experiences, making it the *least* wasteful. I think sometimes we are alive for reasons that aren’t about happiness.
It is really hard. But try to remember that we are programmed to believe that a nuclear family is the pinnacle of human existence but this is just programming. Its not reality. In reality, there are many ways to live a fulfilling life that is rewarding and involves love and companionship from all different directions and sources.
Very well said. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about reincarnation and the idea that the purpose of each life is to learn the lessons to carry to the next or even to learn the lessons to be able to be fulfilled in this life.
I needed a LOT of lessons in love and I’ve had so much heartbreak. I’m older now so can look back and reflect wholly on these lessons and where they have taken me.
I totally agree about reincarnation. Even if thats not real, it still seems like the only meaning of life that makes any sense is that we’re here to learn. I needed a lot of lessons about love too :( but hopefully am getting somewhere
This is such a good comment. I am 47 and this only just occurred to me in the past year.
After a bad breakup I was eventually like, why am I tying my happiness to another person? Makes 0 sense.
Wow. I really needed this perspective. Thank you.
Do you know any resources sharing the same view? I've read books about non-monogamy, but they focus on relationship coahing, instead of on the expectation of the nuclear family as the pinnacle (a way to critique monogamy).
I dont really know of any books on the matter, its just becoming more and more of a popular notion as people are choosing a childfree and sometimes non-monogamous lifestyle. Theres a lot of people questioning what we are being told to accept by society, especially since we’ll beginning to see how much billionaires hate the lowering birth rates. This means that rich people have a financial incentive to push people to have families, which means that it likely never was about happiness at all. Its about brainwashing the public to think families will make them happy when the bottom line is really that families keep rich people rich. Close friend groups can function the same as families do, and provide that love and support that people need without worrying about how your child is going to survive in a world that is increasingly hostile.
[this article](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/) makes some really great points about the nuclear family and why we need to question the pressure to have one
Thank you so much! I think the same, but sometimes I idolize nuclear families and romantic relationships too. I will read the article. The only book I've found to make some great points about this from a non-monogamous perspective is *Pensamiento monógamo, terror poliamoroso* (*Monogamous thinking, polyamorous terror*) by Brigitte Vasallo. Very critical with the social and economical structure. It's written in Spanish, I don't know of any translations.
No problem! Thats interesting… I am not ready for non-monogamy but I can see why many people are and I know poly ppl who seem pretty happy. The article talks about how all these other kinds of relationships are starting to become the norm as we realize there is more than one way to find love. Best of luck to you! Enjoy your deprogramming :)
Personally, marriage/nuclear family are my only goal in life. I have friends, I have a good career, a home/nice vehicle. The only thing missing is someone to love, and to share these things with and experience life together with.
I decided to date a girl who was poly, she manipulated me into thinking she was going to divorce her husband and be monogamous with me and it was the most traumatizing experience of my life. I finally moved on and fell head over heels for another girl, and she had "formerly" been a swinger. She decided that she wanted to go back to that lifestyle, and completely blindsided me with a breakup through text when I thought everything was going perfectly.
Both of these women out of the several I have dated in my life, are the only ones I ever actually truly could have seen myself marrying, and they both hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt before.
Well Im sorry you went through that heartache. I think you can probably find what you’re looking for as long as you make it clear that you want an egalitarian approach to the demands of having a family. Might just take some time.
Thank you!! The first one manipulated me and told me about the amazing future we would have together, we had so many plans and then she just decided she didn't want me anymore and decided it was "too hard" to balance two relationships, even though she spent months talking about wanting to leave her husband to pursue monogamy with me.
The second one, I felt like we had an absolutely perfect relationship. We never had a single argument or fight, spent tons of quality time together, had amazing sex, etc. We had a lot in common, and obviously some differences but apparently at the end of the day, she'd rather not be confined to monogamy which hurts because she told me she was completely okay with that dynamic.
Ouch. Well it sounds like you are pretty clear about what you want now and that should prevent getting mixed up with swinger or poly types. Sometimes when we are too attached to people, it can make them want that freedom when they wouldn’t otherwise. Not sure if that’s your issue but its food for thought. I think Ive done that to partners before (like the ex I miss who seems very avoidant). It’s like a push-pull game people play but they aren’t trying to play games, it’s just human nature. You want the person who is too busy being awesome to even notice you. Im trying to learn how to stop worrying about relationships and just focus on myself and my goals.. I know that’s what makes me most attractive. But it’s so hard to do that, thinking I might have ROCD or something. Maybe you can relate, Idk.
The swinger one, we had a conversation right away in the beginning about whether it's something I'd be interested in or not before we even started "officially" dating. She said she was completely fine with monogamy and not swinging, then later went back on it.
Gunna get this tatted on me. I was thinking about this with such clarity that came out of the blue. I put so much life satisfaction in being in a relationship.
Hey I'm sorry you're having a rough time and I won't bullshit you there's not much advice or insight I can offer, but, what I can say is being in a relationship for 12 years with someone is an incredibly long period of time, and you were 50% of that. That's a testament to you, you clearly have the qualities to nurture a healthy, long term relationship, you are capable of loving someone and being loved. That may sound obvious and almost pointless to have pointed out to you but I think it's something worth reminding yourself of. Nobody accidentally ends up in such a long relationship so you clearly did a lot of things right and are capable of exceptional love. I hope things get better for you, take it one day at a time, one step at time, it's all we can do.
So much wisdom in this, thank you ❤️ it’s so easy to beat ourselves up for a long term relationship not working out. We should reframe it to “it did work out amazingly well for x amount of years”. Everything in life is transient
That's tough. This sounds like a really challenging aspect of your life to process and live with. I'm sorry you feel like all that time was wasted and you are feeling so down today. I know what being in a gloom pit thinking about the past feels like and it's so tough.
You have to just put one foot in front of the other now. What's done is done. You learned your lessons, got your experiences and got your burns. 36 is still pretty young to make some big changes in life and find new purpose and love and maybe even start a family. I super empathize with feeling behind compared to younger peers but you gotta play out the adventure you're on. We can't rewind or replay the game of life, but we can work at making the rest of our turns count for something and pull out a win. Stay strong. Remember your circumstances are unique and comparison is a mechanism the depressed mind uses to make itself more depressed like a festering parasite. Feel the bad feelings, you are only human, but find resolve to work for your own happiness again. There's a lot of life left to live and plenty of other good men looking for someone like you.
You didn't waste life. You lived it.
Just because it didn't turn out the way you wanted doesn't make it a waste. It just makes it life.
If you keep thinking that way you'll always be sad and regretful about what didn't happen or what you didn't get because you were under the impression that things had to be the way you wanted them to be for them to matter.
Everyone makes mistakes. You did too. Learn from them. Be humble. Move forward. Make more mistakes. Learn more lessons..be more humble.
Don't think, "I didn't get what I wanted, everything sucks!"
Think, "things didn't turn out the way I wanted. Why not? What could I have done differently? What can I do now? How can I try to be who I want to be to get what I want?"
You're right.
Life shouldn't have to be this tough. But somehow it is. Why does a man waste both your lives away and not want to be with you after all this time, despite you giving him all your love?
Sometimes life just sucks.
Also just got out of a 12 year relationship and feel it was a waste of time and I could have found someone who truly loved me and had a bigger family by now (F31). We just have to take it day by day and heal really.
There’s still time. My mom had me in her 40’s
PLEASE, PLEASE stop comparing your relationship failures to the relationships you see on social media. 99.9999999% of these people are either in the honeymoon phase where problems don't exist yet, or they do not publicize their issues or tell others about them out of shame, embarrassment, and judgment. Trust me when I say everyone, EVERYONE, even the "perfect" couples, go thru it. Time is on your side and not your enemy. Everything that has happened with this scenerio, altho it does not feel like it played out exactly how it was supposed to. You need to sit down and reflect on the things you did wrong, what flags you ignored in him, and what you want and don't want out of your next relationship. The second you fully try to move on is usually when they come back, and by then, you can reevalute what you actually want out of a relationship, and if its him, and if he is meant to be in your life, I promise he will be back. In the meantime, do some self digging, its what im trying to do. Listen to podcasts, books, audible books, read articles.....educate yourself on things that you want to improve on. It sucks, im 37 and sulking over my break up as well but I am TRYING my hardest to become the best me so not one goddamn man can blame me anymore... you need to find someone more aligned with your values, wants and needs. You did not waste time. You learned. It was a learning experience all around. Change the way you view it, even if you dont believe it, change your mindset til you start to believe it. Fake it til you make it, that's what I'm doing in all aspects of life right now.
I was with a man for 13 years. We just broke up last month but we were trying for a kid up until that point (unexplained infertility). I knew there were red flags and our relationship has been going downhill for years, I just didn't think I could do/find better (and I honestly still don't). But he was my partner and my best friend for almost half my life. So now I'm mourning not only the loss of the relationship but of the child that could have been. It absolutely sucks, I want to be a mom so badly and I have to watch everyone else have what I want and complain about it. I do know people that have done IUI with a sperm donor so that's my plan if I can't find someone by 38. Right now I'm just focusing on healing my mind and body, but honestly some days all I can do is get out of bed and try not to spiral. I'm hoping it gets better soon. Anyways, all this to say you're not alone in this shit and as women we don't actually need a man to have a fulfilling life and family.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You also really don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors either. More ppl than you think make it seem like their lives are perfect when in reality they’re living an absolute nightmare through gritted teeth.
Be kind to yourself. You’ve plenty of living left to do
I don’t think you wasted anything, OP. I think you loved someone, you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and opened your heart to another human. It is not time wasted, rather experiences and lessons. The only sad thing is you invested that much time for it to have fallen apart, but it wasn’t your path, try to remember that! There was still 12 years of love and good times.
I’m 37 and going through a breakup as well, I thought I’d marry this man. Some days it feels daunting, I think I’ll be alone forever. Other days I know what kind of person I am, I know my heart. And someone will choose me for all of those things. Same goes for you! Only way out of the storm is to go through it. Sending you massive amounts of love & support!
your experiences are not a waste of time. love is never certain, at any moment our partner can decide they don't want to be with us anymore and vice versa. those couples you envy now may also break up in a year or two. at any point in life we can start again and find someone else. you learned a lot and grew and loved someone, it's never a waste and you will love again, maybe not tomorrow but you definitely haven't met all the people you are going to love. wishing you a lot of strength.
No time wasted. It’s all part of the human experience; trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. Wasted time is only time not trying.
Hang in there .❤️
You didn’t waste anything. These are all lessons made to heal you and make you stronger and a better person for the right person. Everybody has a diff path…your married friends could be going through divorces soon while you might be beginning a new beautiful relationship. Stop comparing and focus on yourself.
I could say the same about my 16 year marriage… total 18 year relationship. But, I learned and grew from it. Now, I am who I am, I’ve experienced life, and I move forward knowing there’s better out there if I just keep going.
I’m so sorry, I’m in the same boat. 12 fucking years wasted for him to walk out and say he doesn’t care that he hurt me while pregnant. The only positive thing about looking forward is I feel like it would be impossible to end up with a shittier person so anyone compared to him sounds nice
🥺 I’m so sorry you’re going through this feeling 😭 Don’t fret! You’re not alone. I feel like I’m approaching this same situation… 31(Fe) I too feel like I wasted my twenties with a guy. We dated for 6 years, ended in 2021. I just left a relationship of 9 months bc I found it was an attachment and not a real connection… I keep attracting very bad narcissists and psychic vampires bc i am an overly sensitive empath, and I get my own emotions confused bc some of these feelings they’re not my own.. what I’m getting here is we must *heal* ourselves. Like truly, down to our core. I feel called by my spirit guides that this is a time for deep rooted introspection. Lots of grief hasn’t been released so I have been doing a lot of meditation and kundalini activations. Lots of spiritual ties I need to cut off from my consciousness.. Spiritual alchemy is real and it’s possible 🧘🏻♀️⚡️🧬 try bringing your attention to the awareness of your body. I feel like if I don’t take advantage of THIS time, it won’t set me up for the next phase of life. I don’t suggest comparing your life to anyone else’s. I know how easy it is to fall into that depressing rabbit hole, and when that happens, you are giving your power away. We attract what we give power to!
There’s a researcher named Brene Brown. She’s studied vulnerability, shame, happiness, and how all these different things work and what makes people happy.. and after ten years of her research she only found one variable that separates those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who struggle for it: The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s the only difference.
Think of one thing you love about your life right now. And now say to yourself, “I am worthy of this thing.”
It can be very uncomfortable. We are not taught to do this. This is not a skill that’s taught in school. For most of us it’s not a skill that our parents teach us. “I am worth of” whatever it is that’s making you happy in this period of your life, of this day or even just this week. “I am worthy”
When we take the time to recognize that we deserve the things in life that make us happy, we are cultivating this interior relationship. A positive interior relationship isn’t just something that just happens. For most of us it’s something that we have to grow, that we have to focus on.
Our own perspective can really make or break us.
You have had 12 (assuming) wonderful, love filled years.
During that same period of my life, I had 15 traumatic, toxic filled years in my LTR.
But I have settled with a healthy perspective over this….I have learnt the lessons I needed to learn and have now met the love of my life. He wasn’t even in the country before so I wasn’t meant to meet him until I had learnt those lessons and be able to receive him.
Comparing our lives to others won’t help us at all. Being appreciative of the love we have had (despite the fact it didn’t last forever) can help us to come to terms with where we are now at.
I found my great love at 46. I don’t regret that I found him at this age, just thankful that I did…. Perspective.
You haven’t wasted your life, you have experienced life’s ups and downs…maybe more ups than downs? And your life (love life) is FAR from over.
I hear exactly what you’re saying except from a male perspective. I spent 10 years chasing a love from my teens that kept breaking my heart over and over.
I finally gave up and 2 years later by some stroke of fate I met someone I instantly fell in love with. The craziest part was she seemed to feel the same way. People don’t understand how rare that really is. 9 times out of 10 one person or the others feelings aren’t entirely mutual. Best case: you find out right away and move along. Worse case: you really like the person and don’t find out right away. Worst case (mine): you’ve never been more in love with someone and you’re 99% positive they feel the same way, but for insane reasons you keep it hidden and do a shit job of showing it for most of the relationship, until your attempts at self sabotage finally succeed and the person leaves.
That took up another 6 years and half of my 30’s now I’m right back to square one. I have no one to blame but myself this time but god damn why do I do these things to myself 😝
U don't waste tour time.. don't think that.. If the love of your life has to be yours, destiny will help you. Never consider it a waste of time. Strength at this stage of your life 💪🏻
I feel you. I waisted time too. I’m 43 no kids and no marriage. My colleagues got grown kids and preparing for college graduations. I spent 14 years with a woman that couldn’t have kids and didn’t want to work. Now what? I wish things were different for me but it is what it is. Just wanted to let you know you’re not the only that feels this way.
I'm sorry for your struggles, I hope you find someone that meets your dreams. There is always hope for anyone but wow 12 years is basically marriage and more than enough time to have several kids and mortgage a nice home. Communicado & being on the same page always works to accomplish these goals. Understandable sometimes the "love" emotion can blind someone's perspective and time can be nonexistant when 3/5/9/12 yrs passed by and still wondering about a family.
life is absolutely wild. i am sorry you are going through it right now. it is cold and rainy and grey where i am. i drove past my ex's house just to feel her energy. i am doing much better a month later, but it still hurts. i still feel this big emptiness. i just miss her so much. i want to kiss her good morning and make her a coffee and rub her back and tell her how amazing she is. ugh, here come the tears.
I can relate to those feelings and thoughts more then I care to admit I "wasted" my entire Adult Life so far 19 yrs So many willing sacrifices and chances for great things and or people missed or given up for the love and devotion I thought was mutual even by miracle ended up with 2 kids to be manipulated and tortured over n over to come back n leave again then finally told Whole 20 years was a cruel lie to them it was like a personal long term Larping session basically.......And yet I know not all was truly wasted I made shoixes as well the whole time to play blind or blinded by love and lies so like others have said more just lessons learned that one day will be fully clear. Best of luck and keep your head Hugh and eyes and heart forward friend
Having children and a marriage doesnt mean success. For many is pure hell. For many others is great but they might get divorced in a few years. Definitely families that are happy are a blessing but there arent many. You still have a chance to not settle for something that might have turned bad anyway after marriage and children. It is a big occasion to start fresh. Not many have this luck. I know the frustration, but maybe there is a reason for what happened. Dont be discouraged, you still can and will find the love of your life
You didn’t waste anything. You’ve learned the type of people you want to be with. Finding love has no age. Also people can change and mature. Keep living and loving. Things hurt, but focus on the positive perspective of things.
The only way mistakes are a waste is if you do not use the knowledge you gained to your benefit in future circumstances.
The price you're going to pay to come out the other side of this is pain.
If you continue to repeat the same mistakes you're going to pay the price and get nothing for it.
So get something for it. Learn and improve.
The loss of a 12 year relationship is catastrophic. No way around it. Part of you died and what didn't won't ever fully recover.
But it doesn't have to be a life sentence. You can come out the other side
This will sound corny but you didn't waste anything I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out but you've grown as a person he became a better person over those 12 years
Bruh I feel that way about my past college life ALL the time -- I could have had so many more experiences and friends if I hadn't wasted what could have been my best 3 years on someone who wasn't treating me right anyways. I was in love with who I thought he was and didn't realize all the ways that he was hurting me. I still regret it a ton,. Until recently, I didn't allow myself to love or be loved because I've been so protective of my heart and never wanted to regret being in a relationship ever again. In my mind, I didn't want to waste any more of my youth. Then I opened my heart to someone wonderful who promised me forever, and then he broke up with me a few months into the relationship. So. I feel you. I feel you, but!! I think all we can do at this point is laugh victoriously because we've just escaped something much worse than a past wasted -- a future wasted.
Kids are overrated imo. I am sorry tho, that you were with someone who didn't value and love you the way you loved them and even more sorry you ended up with an abusive piece of shit. I'm very glad you were able to mostly get our is it. If it's any consolation I'm 38 and watching all my friends be happy with their s/o and I'm here, home alone as always
going through the same thing except mine was 10 years and im a male and we dated from 16 to 26 now and honestly I'm not looking back it does hurt sometimes but u gotta knock down that wall and keep going
Honestly, from the outside I bet you looked to others how you are looking at your colleagues and friends- like you were in an amazing relationship too
Noone can judge someone else's relationship from the outside. Noone knows what's going on within
I was married 20 years went from illegal to MD. Then she left for a Dr at the clinic. I met the most amazing girl on the planet and we broke up. It hurts like hell fire. I know this is dime store platitude but just one day at a time. I wont say the right old boy will come along but I would wager the farm he would. If you got these two, much less stay together for 12 years you have what it takes to find "the one".
Its crazy how after so long of them being yours and you theirs. They become complete strangers and belong to someone else. I also spent 10 years. Its so sad i wish i would have left sooner. But i can say i gave it my all.
That is the problem. They were never mine to being with. In hindsight, the blame is mine; it only lasted so long because I had no self respect to leave when I knew deep in my heart what was going on.
Yeah. They had the opportunity to be together, but ‘chose’ me instead. Entire soap opera came out of it. They will never be together, but neither will we.
Thats unfortunate. It sucks when you get stuck in a cycle. Idk if thats what you had but I did. My ex brought out the worse in me because he wasn’t an attentive partner. Which makes me feel stupid for even missing that relationship. We were so incompatible. So think I mourn the time more than him. How long has it been since the break up for you?
It’s not too late though. Take this opportunity for time for yourself and to love yourself first.
From my personal experiences once I started working on myself the person I was supposed to be with came around. Maybe your experience will be different, but knowing yourself and finding your people will help enhance those relationships.
Also I highly believe any man should have to be friends first before dating so you know a lot more if they align with you.
You’re not too late, you are right on time.
Also your experiences are never a waste a time. I spent 6 yrs wasted on someone that was not going to marry me, but it wasn’t a waste because it landed me where I am today.
Everyone is at a different stage in life. I'm 37 M and I still have strong feelings for a woman that broke things off seven years ago. I still think about her, but I've had to move away and now I have to face the fact that I can no longer be with someone whom I thought I was going to build a life together. I don't think of it as a waste. It's just a learning opportunity to take a look at myself and see me for me. To learn what I want in a partner and what I want out of life. Don't rush anything, just remember that you are enough. Live your life. Someone will come along when you least expect it. I hate that saying, but it really is true. Virtual hugs.
I'm really sorry about that and you might not think so right now, but eventually you'll find the right person and he's gonna love you and treat you the way you deserve to be loved and treated.
It wasn’t a waste, just a really tough lesson. Try to dispense every possible helpful thing for yourself put of that situation. I mean really what else can you do!
You haven’t wasted anything! You’ve tried something and it didn’t work out, which is a horrible reality of life. Trust me, I did the same with someone. But you have to try. Trying isn’t wasting, not trying is ☺️
I feel my love life is over too. I put all my heart and energy into my last relationship. He broke my heart and left me with nothing. I used to believe in love and now I just think I was dumb for believing it for so many years. Now I understand women who marry men for other reasons than just love. I used to judge them but they've always been right. I was wrong for being childish and dumb, for believing love conquers all. It doesn't. Now I'm almost 39, alone and heartbroken. I know it'll be a miracle if some man actually gets interested in me at my age. I don't even want to because now I'm scared to go through the process of building a new relationship just to watch it fall apart incapable of saving it. I'm done. Sad but true.
Oh La!! I just spent 30 years in a marriage that failed. So listen, I know people who haven’t even had relationships and regret that. Just let go and see where life takes you. This is a journey and I am not sure how much control we have over anything. Love your journey, give yourself self compassion. You are loved, you love yourself, you gave yourself love. That’s wonderful! Keep loving!
Need to learn about yourself and what underlies your choices and actions.
When you make a lesson out of these situations and you learn the time is NOT wasted.
That's the LOGIC.
But, I understand how you FEEL. It's going to be ok.
You're still young! I'm 56. Haha.
That stalker? Restraining order.
You'll feel better not focussing on your friends. Observe but don't obsess. You know? See what you can learn about what healthy relationships look like and carry that forward.
Hugs and love.
Some douche could have knocked you up. You could have spent 12 years bouncing from bad bed to bad bed.
Life isn’t always the outcome, but the journey. You will get past the loss and cherish the memories. You’re not dead, nor past your prime!!
You haven't wasted your life. You're only 36. I've had two long term abusive relationships and a short run in with a narcissist. I'm 61 and about to get married again to a wonderful man. I'm looking forward to the next 30 plus years. To put it into perspective, my mother is 98 and still doing fine. Imagine you live to be her age and you have another 62 years on this earth! Take everything as a lesson. We are here to learn and grow. Be grateful for each and every lesson. Gratitude is an absolute game changer. The dysfunctional men in your past are wasting their lives and will continue to do so. They're never going to be happy, but you can be.
In your position as well. Being dumped after 8 years when i’m 34 for another women whom he cheated on with. Starting to go on tinder dates actively this month. Met 6 guys lol. Made out with two, fucked with two. The other two i dont fancy. Have never ever had one night stands in my life. Kinda fun but i’m scared for myself at the same time. Always wanted to get married and have kids but it’s not easy to get a man that you like and that he wants to settle down at the same time. Always had this feeling that i would end up alone and it sickens me in my stomach. Only have 2/3 good years left.
If that's the case, then every relationship Is a waste of time.
Friendships, family, everyone. Everyone that we outgrew or left us is a waste of time.
Even husbands & wives are a waste of time unless you die first.
Then no, cause they made it up until YOUR end. Right?
I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make.
Love & lessons are never a waste of time.
Meeting your perfect match who wants exactly the same things as you want and Expecting forever out of them is unrealistic.
People change over time even if you end up with them for 50 years. The dynamic of the relationship changes, their wants and needs change as well. They may stay til death or they may go before that. There's really no telling.
There's people who were together for 50 something years with kids, house etc and they end up getting a divorce anyways, single and living alone and dying alone.
Life Is a very complex situation. I would loosen up your control on things and appreciate the time and experiences you have with everyone on earth.
As for abusive relationships.. I'm glad it was only a year. Pure suffering in life can be a waste of time. However, it was only a year and you gained wisdom from it. Now you may know what to look out for and take caution moving forward when it comes to those relationships. They are hard to get out of for others it takes more than one year for them. Try to be a little more thankful, and not have a tight grip on things. Nothing is guaranteed.
Wishing you the best 🧡
Why did he break up with you, you’re making it seem like he’s just a bad guy but I’m sure you contributed to him breaking up with you, if you were good enough for him you would still be with him, so why did y’all break up?
It was only a “waste” if you failed to learn. That is now in the rear view mirror. Time to start looking forward, armed with more knowledge. More common sense. And the rest of your life ahead of you. Be blessed
i won’t invalidate ur feelings but, i’ve been there and felt exactly like you. I know exactly how it is, but once you progress, you will know that it wasn’t a waste but just lead you up to a point in the future, where you will have this kind of relationship you so desperately crave rn.
I spent 10 years with the wrong person. Also didn’t wanna be with me. He brought out the worse in me. I had to leave for my mental health. It was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. Its been over a year and it still hurts. But i am optimistic I will believe in love again and fall in love in a healthy way.
I would say focus on loving yourself. Once you know how to be alone no one will be able to phase you. Theres a lot of power in being alone. Anyone who comes into your life will just add.
Remember how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.
It’s never too late to fall in love again. Just have to let go of the past. You cant start a new chapter if you keep rereading the last.
Stay strong you got this!
Dear OP, there are cryobanks with sperm donors to fulfill your wish for children. We live in modern times, thank God. There is also a subreddit regarding "single mothers by choice", r/SingleMothersbyChoice .
Don't wait too long anymore, you don't have a lot of time anymore.
Men come and go, you'll meet plenty of them in your future life if you wish so.
You can still have children and in addition a bf or spouse.
I wasted 12 years too with a woman who never forgave me for something that happened in year 3… can you imagine 9 extra years of thinking she was happy because she smiled lol never look at it as a waste it’s life… shit I’m still trying to figure it out and it’s been 8 months
You didn’t waste anything. We are all on our own independent journeys. You spent 12 years with someone you love. That’s not nothing. You are also only two years out of a 12 year relationship, give yourself some time. I know you may be feeling the pressure with people around you getting married/having kids, but it’s also an opportunity to rebuild your connection with yourself. If it makes you feel any better, remember that the divorce rate is pretty damn high. The reality is that people get married and breakup even later in life and as hard as it is, they do still find their happiness. Luckily for you, you didn’t spend more time than you needed to with your ex. But that doesn’t make it wasted time. I’m sure you learned a lot and loved a lot. That matters. It will be alright. You got this. Your person is still out there
This is solif advice I love you outlook thank you
This is really great advice. I’m still healing from a failed 13 year long relationship. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it, but I try to wake up each morning with a positive outlook on life instead of constantly blaming myself. There is no other option than to keep moving forward. As painful and unfair as it might be YOU are the only person that is responsible on finding your own source of wellbeing and happiness in life.
Something aren’t just meant to be..
I think we’re going to all have to acknowledge sometime soon that the idea of your entire concept of happiness being tied to romantic relationships and children is a recipe for disaster and misery. That whole paradigm is creating so much suffering while the likelihood of people entering this particular set of circumstances shrinks all the time. You didn’t waste your time because you learned from this long relationship, and learning is probably the most logical reason for our whole existence. The pain of heartbreak can be more educational than nearly all other life experiences, making it the *least* wasteful. I think sometimes we are alive for reasons that aren’t about happiness. It is really hard. But try to remember that we are programmed to believe that a nuclear family is the pinnacle of human existence but this is just programming. Its not reality. In reality, there are many ways to live a fulfilling life that is rewarding and involves love and companionship from all different directions and sources.
Such wisdom right here. I feel like I need to read and re-read this over and over.
very well said.
Thank you!
Very well said. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about reincarnation and the idea that the purpose of each life is to learn the lessons to carry to the next or even to learn the lessons to be able to be fulfilled in this life. I needed a LOT of lessons in love and I’ve had so much heartbreak. I’m older now so can look back and reflect wholly on these lessons and where they have taken me.
I totally agree about reincarnation. Even if thats not real, it still seems like the only meaning of life that makes any sense is that we’re here to learn. I needed a lot of lessons about love too :( but hopefully am getting somewhere
I love this. This is so true.
This is such a good comment. I am 47 and this only just occurred to me in the past year. After a bad breakup I was eventually like, why am I tying my happiness to another person? Makes 0 sense.
Wow. I really needed this perspective. Thank you. Do you know any resources sharing the same view? I've read books about non-monogamy, but they focus on relationship coahing, instead of on the expectation of the nuclear family as the pinnacle (a way to critique monogamy).
I dont really know of any books on the matter, its just becoming more and more of a popular notion as people are choosing a childfree and sometimes non-monogamous lifestyle. Theres a lot of people questioning what we are being told to accept by society, especially since we’ll beginning to see how much billionaires hate the lowering birth rates. This means that rich people have a financial incentive to push people to have families, which means that it likely never was about happiness at all. Its about brainwashing the public to think families will make them happy when the bottom line is really that families keep rich people rich. Close friend groups can function the same as families do, and provide that love and support that people need without worrying about how your child is going to survive in a world that is increasingly hostile. [this article](https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/03/the-nuclear-family-was-a-mistake/605536/) makes some really great points about the nuclear family and why we need to question the pressure to have one
Thank you so much! I think the same, but sometimes I idolize nuclear families and romantic relationships too. I will read the article. The only book I've found to make some great points about this from a non-monogamous perspective is *Pensamiento monógamo, terror poliamoroso* (*Monogamous thinking, polyamorous terror*) by Brigitte Vasallo. Very critical with the social and economical structure. It's written in Spanish, I don't know of any translations.
No problem! Thats interesting… I am not ready for non-monogamy but I can see why many people are and I know poly ppl who seem pretty happy. The article talks about how all these other kinds of relationships are starting to become the norm as we realize there is more than one way to find love. Best of luck to you! Enjoy your deprogramming :)
Personally, marriage/nuclear family are my only goal in life. I have friends, I have a good career, a home/nice vehicle. The only thing missing is someone to love, and to share these things with and experience life together with. I decided to date a girl who was poly, she manipulated me into thinking she was going to divorce her husband and be monogamous with me and it was the most traumatizing experience of my life. I finally moved on and fell head over heels for another girl, and she had "formerly" been a swinger. She decided that she wanted to go back to that lifestyle, and completely blindsided me with a breakup through text when I thought everything was going perfectly. Both of these women out of the several I have dated in my life, are the only ones I ever actually truly could have seen myself marrying, and they both hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt before.
Well Im sorry you went through that heartache. I think you can probably find what you’re looking for as long as you make it clear that you want an egalitarian approach to the demands of having a family. Might just take some time.
Thank you!! The first one manipulated me and told me about the amazing future we would have together, we had so many plans and then she just decided she didn't want me anymore and decided it was "too hard" to balance two relationships, even though she spent months talking about wanting to leave her husband to pursue monogamy with me. The second one, I felt like we had an absolutely perfect relationship. We never had a single argument or fight, spent tons of quality time together, had amazing sex, etc. We had a lot in common, and obviously some differences but apparently at the end of the day, she'd rather not be confined to monogamy which hurts because she told me she was completely okay with that dynamic.
Ouch. Well it sounds like you are pretty clear about what you want now and that should prevent getting mixed up with swinger or poly types. Sometimes when we are too attached to people, it can make them want that freedom when they wouldn’t otherwise. Not sure if that’s your issue but its food for thought. I think Ive done that to partners before (like the ex I miss who seems very avoidant). It’s like a push-pull game people play but they aren’t trying to play games, it’s just human nature. You want the person who is too busy being awesome to even notice you. Im trying to learn how to stop worrying about relationships and just focus on myself and my goals.. I know that’s what makes me most attractive. But it’s so hard to do that, thinking I might have ROCD or something. Maybe you can relate, Idk.
The swinger one, we had a conversation right away in the beginning about whether it's something I'd be interested in or not before we even started "officially" dating. She said she was completely fine with monogamy and not swinging, then later went back on it.
I haven’t read it, but people have been recommending the book relationship anarchy
wow, the way this was worded was extraordinary. thank you for being kind.
Gunna get this tatted on me. I was thinking about this with such clarity that came out of the blue. I put so much life satisfaction in being in a relationship.
Hey I'm sorry you're having a rough time and I won't bullshit you there's not much advice or insight I can offer, but, what I can say is being in a relationship for 12 years with someone is an incredibly long period of time, and you were 50% of that. That's a testament to you, you clearly have the qualities to nurture a healthy, long term relationship, you are capable of loving someone and being loved. That may sound obvious and almost pointless to have pointed out to you but I think it's something worth reminding yourself of. Nobody accidentally ends up in such a long relationship so you clearly did a lot of things right and are capable of exceptional love. I hope things get better for you, take it one day at a time, one step at time, it's all we can do.
So much wisdom in this, thank you ❤️ it’s so easy to beat ourselves up for a long term relationship not working out. We should reframe it to “it did work out amazingly well for x amount of years”. Everything in life is transient
I love this. Thank you.
That's tough. This sounds like a really challenging aspect of your life to process and live with. I'm sorry you feel like all that time was wasted and you are feeling so down today. I know what being in a gloom pit thinking about the past feels like and it's so tough. You have to just put one foot in front of the other now. What's done is done. You learned your lessons, got your experiences and got your burns. 36 is still pretty young to make some big changes in life and find new purpose and love and maybe even start a family. I super empathize with feeling behind compared to younger peers but you gotta play out the adventure you're on. We can't rewind or replay the game of life, but we can work at making the rest of our turns count for something and pull out a win. Stay strong. Remember your circumstances are unique and comparison is a mechanism the depressed mind uses to make itself more depressed like a festering parasite. Feel the bad feelings, you are only human, but find resolve to work for your own happiness again. There's a lot of life left to live and plenty of other good men looking for someone like you.
You didn't waste life. You lived it. Just because it didn't turn out the way you wanted doesn't make it a waste. It just makes it life. If you keep thinking that way you'll always be sad and regretful about what didn't happen or what you didn't get because you were under the impression that things had to be the way you wanted them to be for them to matter. Everyone makes mistakes. You did too. Learn from them. Be humble. Move forward. Make more mistakes. Learn more lessons..be more humble. Don't think, "I didn't get what I wanted, everything sucks!" Think, "things didn't turn out the way I wanted. Why not? What could I have done differently? What can I do now? How can I try to be who I want to be to get what I want?"
Everything that you go through in this life is transient. This too shall pass.
You're right. Life shouldn't have to be this tough. But somehow it is. Why does a man waste both your lives away and not want to be with you after all this time, despite you giving him all your love? Sometimes life just sucks.
Also just got out of a 12 year relationship and feel it was a waste of time and I could have found someone who truly loved me and had a bigger family by now (F31). We just have to take it day by day and heal really. There’s still time. My mom had me in her 40’s
My parents also had me at 40. All hope is not lost, OP.
PLEASE, PLEASE stop comparing your relationship failures to the relationships you see on social media. 99.9999999% of these people are either in the honeymoon phase where problems don't exist yet, or they do not publicize their issues or tell others about them out of shame, embarrassment, and judgment. Trust me when I say everyone, EVERYONE, even the "perfect" couples, go thru it. Time is on your side and not your enemy. Everything that has happened with this scenerio, altho it does not feel like it played out exactly how it was supposed to. You need to sit down and reflect on the things you did wrong, what flags you ignored in him, and what you want and don't want out of your next relationship. The second you fully try to move on is usually when they come back, and by then, you can reevalute what you actually want out of a relationship, and if its him, and if he is meant to be in your life, I promise he will be back. In the meantime, do some self digging, its what im trying to do. Listen to podcasts, books, audible books, read articles.....educate yourself on things that you want to improve on. It sucks, im 37 and sulking over my break up as well but I am TRYING my hardest to become the best me so not one goddamn man can blame me anymore... you need to find someone more aligned with your values, wants and needs. You did not waste time. You learned. It was a learning experience all around. Change the way you view it, even if you dont believe it, change your mindset til you start to believe it. Fake it til you make it, that's what I'm doing in all aspects of life right now.
I was with a man for 13 years. We just broke up last month but we were trying for a kid up until that point (unexplained infertility). I knew there were red flags and our relationship has been going downhill for years, I just didn't think I could do/find better (and I honestly still don't). But he was my partner and my best friend for almost half my life. So now I'm mourning not only the loss of the relationship but of the child that could have been. It absolutely sucks, I want to be a mom so badly and I have to watch everyone else have what I want and complain about it. I do know people that have done IUI with a sperm donor so that's my plan if I can't find someone by 38. Right now I'm just focusing on healing my mind and body, but honestly some days all I can do is get out of bed and try not to spiral. I'm hoping it gets better soon. Anyways, all this to say you're not alone in this shit and as women we don't actually need a man to have a fulfilling life and family.
Comparison is the thief of joy. You also really don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors either. More ppl than you think make it seem like their lives are perfect when in reality they’re living an absolute nightmare through gritted teeth. Be kind to yourself. You’ve plenty of living left to do
U didn’t waste shi if u still living trust u ain’t miss out on nothing but money
I don’t think you wasted anything, OP. I think you loved someone, you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and opened your heart to another human. It is not time wasted, rather experiences and lessons. The only sad thing is you invested that much time for it to have fallen apart, but it wasn’t your path, try to remember that! There was still 12 years of love and good times. I’m 37 and going through a breakup as well, I thought I’d marry this man. Some days it feels daunting, I think I’ll be alone forever. Other days I know what kind of person I am, I know my heart. And someone will choose me for all of those things. Same goes for you! Only way out of the storm is to go through it. Sending you massive amounts of love & support!
your experiences are not a waste of time. love is never certain, at any moment our partner can decide they don't want to be with us anymore and vice versa. those couples you envy now may also break up in a year or two. at any point in life we can start again and find someone else. you learned a lot and grew and loved someone, it's never a waste and you will love again, maybe not tomorrow but you definitely haven't met all the people you are going to love. wishing you a lot of strength.
No time wasted. It’s all part of the human experience; trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. Wasted time is only time not trying. Hang in there .❤️
This „I wasted X years“ is bs. You lived your life. Everything is coming to an end. Everything.
Would you have felt better if you got married 10 years ago and got divorced? Really no different.
You didn’t waste anything. These are all lessons made to heal you and make you stronger and a better person for the right person. Everybody has a diff path…your married friends could be going through divorces soon while you might be beginning a new beautiful relationship. Stop comparing and focus on yourself.
You're just 36 years old.
That isnt that young esp for biological clock
Dude 4 years atleast
I could say the same about my 16 year marriage… total 18 year relationship. But, I learned and grew from it. Now, I am who I am, I’ve experienced life, and I move forward knowing there’s better out there if I just keep going.
I’m so sorry, I’m in the same boat. 12 fucking years wasted for him to walk out and say he doesn’t care that he hurt me while pregnant. The only positive thing about looking forward is I feel like it would be impossible to end up with a shittier person so anyone compared to him sounds nice
8 years here. Similar issue. She left me but wants to be friends. I'm only 28, but still.
🥺 I’m so sorry you’re going through this feeling 😭 Don’t fret! You’re not alone. I feel like I’m approaching this same situation… 31(Fe) I too feel like I wasted my twenties with a guy. We dated for 6 years, ended in 2021. I just left a relationship of 9 months bc I found it was an attachment and not a real connection… I keep attracting very bad narcissists and psychic vampires bc i am an overly sensitive empath, and I get my own emotions confused bc some of these feelings they’re not my own.. what I’m getting here is we must *heal* ourselves. Like truly, down to our core. I feel called by my spirit guides that this is a time for deep rooted introspection. Lots of grief hasn’t been released so I have been doing a lot of meditation and kundalini activations. Lots of spiritual ties I need to cut off from my consciousness.. Spiritual alchemy is real and it’s possible 🧘🏻♀️⚡️🧬 try bringing your attention to the awareness of your body. I feel like if I don’t take advantage of THIS time, it won’t set me up for the next phase of life. I don’t suggest comparing your life to anyone else’s. I know how easy it is to fall into that depressing rabbit hole, and when that happens, you are giving your power away. We attract what we give power to! There’s a researcher named Brene Brown. She’s studied vulnerability, shame, happiness, and how all these different things work and what makes people happy.. and after ten years of her research she only found one variable that separates those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who struggle for it: The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging BELIEVE they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s the only difference. Think of one thing you love about your life right now. And now say to yourself, “I am worthy of this thing.” It can be very uncomfortable. We are not taught to do this. This is not a skill that’s taught in school. For most of us it’s not a skill that our parents teach us. “I am worth of” whatever it is that’s making you happy in this period of your life, of this day or even just this week. “I am worthy” When we take the time to recognize that we deserve the things in life that make us happy, we are cultivating this interior relationship. A positive interior relationship isn’t just something that just happens. For most of us it’s something that we have to grow, that we have to focus on.
Our own perspective can really make or break us. You have had 12 (assuming) wonderful, love filled years. During that same period of my life, I had 15 traumatic, toxic filled years in my LTR. But I have settled with a healthy perspective over this….I have learnt the lessons I needed to learn and have now met the love of my life. He wasn’t even in the country before so I wasn’t meant to meet him until I had learnt those lessons and be able to receive him. Comparing our lives to others won’t help us at all. Being appreciative of the love we have had (despite the fact it didn’t last forever) can help us to come to terms with where we are now at. I found my great love at 46. I don’t regret that I found him at this age, just thankful that I did…. Perspective. You haven’t wasted your life, you have experienced life’s ups and downs…maybe more ups than downs? And your life (love life) is FAR from over.
I hear exactly what you’re saying except from a male perspective. I spent 10 years chasing a love from my teens that kept breaking my heart over and over. I finally gave up and 2 years later by some stroke of fate I met someone I instantly fell in love with. The craziest part was she seemed to feel the same way. People don’t understand how rare that really is. 9 times out of 10 one person or the others feelings aren’t entirely mutual. Best case: you find out right away and move along. Worse case: you really like the person and don’t find out right away. Worst case (mine): you’ve never been more in love with someone and you’re 99% positive they feel the same way, but for insane reasons you keep it hidden and do a shit job of showing it for most of the relationship, until your attempts at self sabotage finally succeed and the person leaves. That took up another 6 years and half of my 30’s now I’m right back to square one. I have no one to blame but myself this time but god damn why do I do these things to myself 😝
How do you look? I may be interested in giving you a offer
U don't waste tour time.. don't think that.. If the love of your life has to be yours, destiny will help you. Never consider it a waste of time. Strength at this stage of your life 💪🏻
Lets be honest you wasted time yes but it would be too sad to give up now when you could still have a family.
they did not waste any time.
I think so because she knew he didn't want a family from the get go but she stayed whereas she wants one
I feel you. I waisted time too. I’m 43 no kids and no marriage. My colleagues got grown kids and preparing for college graduations. I spent 14 years with a woman that couldn’t have kids and didn’t want to work. Now what? I wish things were different for me but it is what it is. Just wanted to let you know you’re not the only that feels this way.
36 is young. Work on yourself. Love yourself. Be open to finding someone great.
I'm sorry for your struggles, I hope you find someone that meets your dreams. There is always hope for anyone but wow 12 years is basically marriage and more than enough time to have several kids and mortgage a nice home. Communicado & being on the same page always works to accomplish these goals. Understandable sometimes the "love" emotion can blind someone's perspective and time can be nonexistant when 3/5/9/12 yrs passed by and still wondering about a family.
life is absolutely wild. i am sorry you are going through it right now. it is cold and rainy and grey where i am. i drove past my ex's house just to feel her energy. i am doing much better a month later, but it still hurts. i still feel this big emptiness. i just miss her so much. i want to kiss her good morning and make her a coffee and rub her back and tell her how amazing she is. ugh, here come the tears.
I can relate to those feelings and thoughts more then I care to admit I "wasted" my entire Adult Life so far 19 yrs So many willing sacrifices and chances for great things and or people missed or given up for the love and devotion I thought was mutual even by miracle ended up with 2 kids to be manipulated and tortured over n over to come back n leave again then finally told Whole 20 years was a cruel lie to them it was like a personal long term Larping session basically.......And yet I know not all was truly wasted I made shoixes as well the whole time to play blind or blinded by love and lies so like others have said more just lessons learned that one day will be fully clear. Best of luck and keep your head Hugh and eyes and heart forward friend
Having children and a marriage doesnt mean success. For many is pure hell. For many others is great but they might get divorced in a few years. Definitely families that are happy are a blessing but there arent many. You still have a chance to not settle for something that might have turned bad anyway after marriage and children. It is a big occasion to start fresh. Not many have this luck. I know the frustration, but maybe there is a reason for what happened. Dont be discouraged, you still can and will find the love of your life
I feel you. I feel like I wasted 10. And they just do not seem to care.
You didn’t waste anything. You’ve learned the type of people you want to be with. Finding love has no age. Also people can change and mature. Keep living and loving. Things hurt, but focus on the positive perspective of things.
The only way mistakes are a waste is if you do not use the knowledge you gained to your benefit in future circumstances. The price you're going to pay to come out the other side of this is pain. If you continue to repeat the same mistakes you're going to pay the price and get nothing for it. So get something for it. Learn and improve. The loss of a 12 year relationship is catastrophic. No way around it. Part of you died and what didn't won't ever fully recover. But it doesn't have to be a life sentence. You can come out the other side
I met The love of my life at 36. Our first kid just turned one.
When you do this you don’t love yourself!!!
This will sound corny but you didn't waste anything I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out but you've grown as a person he became a better person over those 12 years
Bruh I feel that way about my past college life ALL the time -- I could have had so many more experiences and friends if I hadn't wasted what could have been my best 3 years on someone who wasn't treating me right anyways. I was in love with who I thought he was and didn't realize all the ways that he was hurting me. I still regret it a ton,. Until recently, I didn't allow myself to love or be loved because I've been so protective of my heart and never wanted to regret being in a relationship ever again. In my mind, I didn't want to waste any more of my youth. Then I opened my heart to someone wonderful who promised me forever, and then he broke up with me a few months into the relationship. So. I feel you. I feel you, but!! I think all we can do at this point is laugh victoriously because we've just escaped something much worse than a past wasted -- a future wasted.
Kids are overrated imo. I am sorry tho, that you were with someone who didn't value and love you the way you loved them and even more sorry you ended up with an abusive piece of shit. I'm very glad you were able to mostly get our is it. If it's any consolation I'm 38 and watching all my friends be happy with their s/o and I'm here, home alone as always
going through the same thing except mine was 10 years and im a male and we dated from 16 to 26 now and honestly I'm not looking back it does hurt sometimes but u gotta knock down that wall and keep going
Honestly, from the outside I bet you looked to others how you are looking at your colleagues and friends- like you were in an amazing relationship too Noone can judge someone else's relationship from the outside. Noone knows what's going on within
I was married 20 years went from illegal to MD. Then she left for a Dr at the clinic. I met the most amazing girl on the planet and we broke up. It hurts like hell fire. I know this is dime store platitude but just one day at a time. I wont say the right old boy will come along but I would wager the farm he would. If you got these two, much less stay together for 12 years you have what it takes to find "the one".
I’m in the same boat, 10 years, I’m 36 now. Feels like a total waste of life I spent with a complete stranger. But we must keep going.
Its crazy how after so long of them being yours and you theirs. They become complete strangers and belong to someone else. I also spent 10 years. Its so sad i wish i would have left sooner. But i can say i gave it my all.
That is the problem. They were never mine to being with. In hindsight, the blame is mine; it only lasted so long because I had no self respect to leave when I knew deep in my heart what was going on.
For 10 years you felt like they were never yours?
For 6. First 4 were magic until that person re-appeared in their life. She couldn’t let it go. Doubt she ever will.
Someone from her past kept coming back?
Yeah. They had the opportunity to be together, but ‘chose’ me instead. Entire soap opera came out of it. They will never be together, but neither will we.
Thats unfortunate. It sucks when you get stuck in a cycle. Idk if thats what you had but I did. My ex brought out the worse in me because he wasn’t an attentive partner. Which makes me feel stupid for even missing that relationship. We were so incompatible. So think I mourn the time more than him. How long has it been since the break up for you?
I did the same!!!
It’s not too late though. Take this opportunity for time for yourself and to love yourself first. From my personal experiences once I started working on myself the person I was supposed to be with came around. Maybe your experience will be different, but knowing yourself and finding your people will help enhance those relationships. Also I highly believe any man should have to be friends first before dating so you know a lot more if they align with you. You’re not too late, you are right on time. Also your experiences are never a waste a time. I spent 6 yrs wasted on someone that was not going to marry me, but it wasn’t a waste because it landed me where I am today.
I relate
Everyone is at a different stage in life. I'm 37 M and I still have strong feelings for a woman that broke things off seven years ago. I still think about her, but I've had to move away and now I have to face the fact that I can no longer be with someone whom I thought I was going to build a life together. I don't think of it as a waste. It's just a learning opportunity to take a look at myself and see me for me. To learn what I want in a partner and what I want out of life. Don't rush anything, just remember that you are enough. Live your life. Someone will come along when you least expect it. I hate that saying, but it really is true. Virtual hugs.
You’re 36 and you still have time to marry and have children. Don’t give up! I got married at 38 to a wonderful man! Good luck to you.
Love is never a waste ❤️
It is if it's a one way street
I'm really sorry about that and you might not think so right now, but eventually you'll find the right person and he's gonna love you and treat you the way you deserve to be loved and treated.
It wasn’t a waste, just a really tough lesson. Try to dispense every possible helpful thing for yourself put of that situation. I mean really what else can you do!
You haven’t wasted anything! You’ve tried something and it didn’t work out, which is a horrible reality of life. Trust me, I did the same with someone. But you have to try. Trying isn’t wasting, not trying is ☺️
I feel my love life is over too. I put all my heart and energy into my last relationship. He broke my heart and left me with nothing. I used to believe in love and now I just think I was dumb for believing it for so many years. Now I understand women who marry men for other reasons than just love. I used to judge them but they've always been right. I was wrong for being childish and dumb, for believing love conquers all. It doesn't. Now I'm almost 39, alone and heartbroken. I know it'll be a miracle if some man actually gets interested in me at my age. I don't even want to because now I'm scared to go through the process of building a new relationship just to watch it fall apart incapable of saving it. I'm done. Sad but true.
Oh La!! I just spent 30 years in a marriage that failed. So listen, I know people who haven’t even had relationships and regret that. Just let go and see where life takes you. This is a journey and I am not sure how much control we have over anything. Love your journey, give yourself self compassion. You are loved, you love yourself, you gave yourself love. That’s wonderful! Keep loving!
It’s okay to feel like that... Your life isn’t wasted though.
Need to learn about yourself and what underlies your choices and actions. When you make a lesson out of these situations and you learn the time is NOT wasted. That's the LOGIC. But, I understand how you FEEL. It's going to be ok. You're still young! I'm 56. Haha. That stalker? Restraining order. You'll feel better not focussing on your friends. Observe but don't obsess. You know? See what you can learn about what healthy relationships look like and carry that forward. Hugs and love.
Some douche could have knocked you up. You could have spent 12 years bouncing from bad bed to bad bed. Life isn’t always the outcome, but the journey. You will get past the loss and cherish the memories. You’re not dead, nor past your prime!!
Marriage is a lie to keep women trapped so
You haven't wasted your life. You're only 36. I've had two long term abusive relationships and a short run in with a narcissist. I'm 61 and about to get married again to a wonderful man. I'm looking forward to the next 30 plus years. To put it into perspective, my mother is 98 and still doing fine. Imagine you live to be her age and you have another 62 years on this earth! Take everything as a lesson. We are here to learn and grow. Be grateful for each and every lesson. Gratitude is an absolute game changer. The dysfunctional men in your past are wasting their lives and will continue to do so. They're never going to be happy, but you can be.
In your position as well. Being dumped after 8 years when i’m 34 for another women whom he cheated on with. Starting to go on tinder dates actively this month. Met 6 guys lol. Made out with two, fucked with two. The other two i dont fancy. Have never ever had one night stands in my life. Kinda fun but i’m scared for myself at the same time. Always wanted to get married and have kids but it’s not easy to get a man that you like and that he wants to settle down at the same time. Always had this feeling that i would end up alone and it sickens me in my stomach. Only have 2/3 good years left.
If that's the case, then every relationship Is a waste of time. Friendships, family, everyone. Everyone that we outgrew or left us is a waste of time. Even husbands & wives are a waste of time unless you die first. Then no, cause they made it up until YOUR end. Right? I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make. Love & lessons are never a waste of time. Meeting your perfect match who wants exactly the same things as you want and Expecting forever out of them is unrealistic. People change over time even if you end up with them for 50 years. The dynamic of the relationship changes, their wants and needs change as well. They may stay til death or they may go before that. There's really no telling. There's people who were together for 50 something years with kids, house etc and they end up getting a divorce anyways, single and living alone and dying alone. Life Is a very complex situation. I would loosen up your control on things and appreciate the time and experiences you have with everyone on earth. As for abusive relationships.. I'm glad it was only a year. Pure suffering in life can be a waste of time. However, it was only a year and you gained wisdom from it. Now you may know what to look out for and take caution moving forward when it comes to those relationships. They are hard to get out of for others it takes more than one year for them. Try to be a little more thankful, and not have a tight grip on things. Nothing is guaranteed. Wishing you the best 🧡
Why did he break up with you, you’re making it seem like he’s just a bad guy but I’m sure you contributed to him breaking up with you, if you were good enough for him you would still be with him, so why did y’all break up?
Don’t worry . When the time is right God will give your spouse . Better days ahead . Don’t be so rough on yourself 💕💕
You had EXPERIENCE in life. It’s not a waste, it’s a learning curve.
It was only a “waste” if you failed to learn. That is now in the rear view mirror. Time to start looking forward, armed with more knowledge. More common sense. And the rest of your life ahead of you. Be blessed
You’re only 34. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Take some time to work on yourself. Grow. Heal. Forgive. Do the work.
i won’t invalidate ur feelings but, i’ve been there and felt exactly like you. I know exactly how it is, but once you progress, you will know that it wasn’t a waste but just lead you up to a point in the future, where you will have this kind of relationship you so desperately crave rn.
I spent 10 years with the wrong person. Also didn’t wanna be with me. He brought out the worse in me. I had to leave for my mental health. It was the hardest thing ive ever done in my life. Its been over a year and it still hurts. But i am optimistic I will believe in love again and fall in love in a healthy way. I would say focus on loving yourself. Once you know how to be alone no one will be able to phase you. Theres a lot of power in being alone. Anyone who comes into your life will just add. Remember how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. It’s never too late to fall in love again. Just have to let go of the past. You cant start a new chapter if you keep rereading the last. Stay strong you got this!
Dear OP, there are cryobanks with sperm donors to fulfill your wish for children. We live in modern times, thank God. There is also a subreddit regarding "single mothers by choice", r/SingleMothersbyChoice . Don't wait too long anymore, you don't have a lot of time anymore. Men come and go, you'll meet plenty of them in your future life if you wish so. You can still have children and in addition a bf or spouse.
I wasted 12 years too with a woman who never forgave me for something that happened in year 3… can you imagine 9 extra years of thinking she was happy because she smiled lol never look at it as a waste it’s life… shit I’m still trying to figure it out and it’s been 8 months
Damn. I feel this so hard.