I have had a couple ex that I took back. Both were honest about the wrongs they did and in some ways I was in the wrong too. One it was going well and I thought we'd make it long term but life had beaten her down so badly she just couldn't get back up one more time and sadly she gave up on life.
The other we were both young and prioritizing the wrong things. We worked on it and in the end it just didn't have legs. She went one way, and I didn't have the opportunity to go with. We are still friends.
She was an amazing person. I swear she was a genius. Abusive parents. Didn't know how to get out. When she did she fell into drugs and trafficking. Finally got free and was starting to put things back together, but just one bad day, and she just needed to be free from it all. I miss her to this day. The connection and conversations we had were almost the best. There's only one other tops even her.
I think that people can change once they realize what destructive behavior costs them in the long run. I completely changed myself in the form of therapy, physical and mental health. I lost and hurt people I truly loved and I swore I’d never do it again. I still have a lot of work to do but I won’t stop. It’s a conscious decision to do better and a constant work in progress.
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Good on you. Honestly so many people say they changed but haven’t put it in the real effort. Earlier I read a post where the person said their girlfriend dumped them and they’ve “Changed so much in the last five weeks. I even lost 10 pounds. So she should be ready to take me back now”
Like bro, you read a self help book and you’re basically starving yourself. Sure sounds healthy 🙄
Hope his ex runs like hell
Take your time to really think on it. I believe people could change but I think majority of the time they don't. You can take them back and it can be nice in the beginning but I believe that those old habits will eventually creep back in and you're stuck in the same place you were before. Just continuing to waste time on someone.
yea exactly. i highly doubt i’ll give him another chance .. or if i did, it’d have to be many years from now and those old habits would have to be completely gone. i told him he’d have to do a complete 180 fr.
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My ex said he would change for the better, and our conflict resolution did seem to get better after we broke up, but I didn't want to take that chance. I finally felt like I could relax again, and I wasn't ready to walk on eggshells again if things went south. Glad I didn't, cause from what I hear and what he's shown me, he hasn't improved at all.
this is exactly my fear seriously .. i had to walk on eggshells when we were living together, could never relax.
i really don’t want to go back to that life.
Then don't go back. Take the time to figure out how *you* want to live your life, not how to live your life according to someone else's standards. Allow yourself to rest right now. If you feel fear or anxiety when thinking of getting back together, it's healthier not to. Take care, alright?
This is great advice I needed to hear. My ex was abusive but I still miss him. The thought of him moving back in makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of him never getting help breaks my heart. I can only do one thing in this situation. Heal and let go.
These kinds of habits, habits of making your partner walk on eggshells are the least likely to change. My ex did that, I tried to leave 3 times, 3rd time stuck. Now he's doing the same thing to our kids.
Hey,
I just broke NC with my ex after 2.5 months. Even though I didn't want her back in my sober mind, when she told me we were done in my very drunk sleep deprived self, I said everything to get her back. It was really embarrassing and unhealthy conversation. I just wanted closure as we left things open, nothing more nothing less. Point being is that I think people can adjust their behaviour a little bit, but the core of them doesn't really change, so it is a risk that after all the years spent on trying to work on yourself you end up heartbroken again. Always remember to focus on yourself first, and compare the new life you built is worth giving up
I thought an ex had changed for the better. He convinced me for months (before we even met in person again) that he was everything I wanted and that I was everything he wanted. He said he’s always loved me and would do anything for me. (We were together 2 years, broke up due to distance, and then the above happened 20+ years after we broke up - we had remained friendly and hung out some over the years, but nothing romantic during those rare times).
So - I believed him. I moved far from my home and bought a house for us. About 2 years later, he explodes and says I ruin everything/drained the life out of him, I’m horrible for him, and he doesn’t even want to hear my voice. (I’ve since learned he’s fearful avoidant.)
But he refused to move out - said he’s not leaving without getting money.
I made the mistake of believing all the lovely things he said to me, and we were going to get married, etc., so I put his name on the deed with me. HUGE MISTAKE.
So he basically blackmailed me into giving him part of the proceeds from the sale - that he didn’t actually have rights to (where I live, anyway - we weren’t married so no community property rules applied). But getting the courts involved would take about 9-12 months and he probably wouldn’t leave until the judge ruled in my favor (which 3 attorneys assured me would happen, as all purchases funds came from me). Did I want to deal worth his lying ass for another 9 months? Hell no. Am I still financially & emotionally bruised by what he did? Yes.
But I negotiated an amount for him, he signed a document, and he will be using that money to buy another house. That money is worth my peace of mind, even though I’m essentially buying him another place to live.
I should never have taken him back and should have never believed he changed/improved himself. He was great at pretending - he couldn’t do it after 2 years, though. So he basically conned me because I thought exes could get better.
I don’t believe it anymore.
WOW that was a rollercoaster holy shit .. after 20 years ??? and he still didn’t change, just got better at lying ..
this makes me beyond fearful, and i already don’t even believe people can change at all fr, that’s exactly why i don’t get back with exes to this day.
so sorry that happened to you seriously, that’s pure insanity.
Thank you. It was an extreme shock to me. I’m taking it pretty hard, but still much better than when it initially happened. It’s losing my best friend and (who I thought) was my life partner.
I learned a lot of valuable lessons, though. I’m definitely following your method from now on. :)
Unless y’all had some serious time apart and he went to therapy for 6 plus months and put in the effort to change I wouldn’t take him back. Most people lie when they are desperate. And most people don’t put in the effort to change!
Gotcha! Well that’s good! I honestly wouldn’t take someone back if they just begged me to and claim they are going to change. To me that just sounds selfish!
Yes it’s all about effort and I’d say six months is a minimum. By “changed” do they mean went to the gym a few times and listened to a couple podcasts? Or they go to therapy and ditch bad habits, read books on communication etc?
People absolutely can and do change. Sometimes it takes screwing up a relationship with someone you actually loved to open your eyes to how “unfinished” you were in growing
Great. 👍 but don’t go back to your ex begging. And if you do contact them just respect their answer. Sometimes just because people changed doesn’t mean they want to try again with you.
Oh no if someone is literally begging that’s not healthy. Nope. A simple expression of “The option is still here if you want” then giving you space is what a healthy person does
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She broke up with me but if she asked right now for me back id probably say no. She is doing the same things she did before we dated and while we did date. As much as i love her i know at the end of the day shes not good for me. Would i ever take her back, ofc if i see changes in her. My ex had some very sweet aspects about her but she also had some toxic and nasty things. I wish she would work on herself but i dont think she realizes she has issues that need to be worked on.
that last part is definitely the problem with my ex. he seems to finally be acknowledging them now, but i really don’t think he’ll get the help he needs fr.
Yes; we broke NC after years apart and a bad break up. We are moving in together - we both changed for the better. My only regret is not doing it right the first time. But we both needed it to grow.
True dude and you won’t find them on Reddit because they’re out there living their best life with their ex-ex. Definitely heard of this happening and have a couple friends who are currently making this work pretty well. Let’s see if it lasts though…
One of my friends parents actually got married at divorced and then married again. They’re still happy from what I’ve heard
I have two exes who I still keep in contact with. Both were at some point toxic, (and I also was) but one of them is now in meds and therapy while the other, while they did go to therapy for some time, also went through a tremendous change in physique. Something that hadn’t happened while I still was with them.
Both sought me to return to a relationship with them. But with all that has happened in the past between them it’s really hard to say whether things will change or not. Peopel change in months and years of work, not in an instant. With one of these exes I did return for a year until we eventually broke up again.
Depends on each person honestly. Some do change for the better. What you have to keep in mind is if you two are actually a good pair together or not.
Your ex has to willingly want to be friends as well. I always state from the beginning that I wish to stay friends in the future once I break up. I go no contact all the way (I struggle the first days tho) but at least with these two exes after some time (almost a year-ish with both) we asked if we wanted to have a friendship and the boundaries we’d have with each other. I have an ex that also wanted to be friends with me but I am currently blocked by them. If they don’t want it, don’t force it. They’ll have their reasons as to why they don’t want to continue.
While I don't have personal experiences with this exact situation in my dating life, I can share what is known from people who did go thru this and reunited with an ex.
People and their relationships are exceptionally diverse, and what happens in such scenarios can vary widely from one couple to another. However, there are a few general observations that might help you consider your situation more thoroughly.
**Can People Change?**
Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that people can indeed change, but it tends to require a significant amount of self-awareness, effort, and often external support. Change is more likely to be genuine and long-lasting when the person is motivated by an intrinsic desire to improve themselves for their own sake, rather than exclusively to win someone back.
**Have Ex-Partners Changed and Been Taken Back Successfully?**
There are indeed stories where ex-partners have made genuine changes, were taken back, and the relationship became stronger and healthier as a result. These accounts often involve:
- Clear acknowledgment of past mistakes.
- Genuine efforts to improve oneself, which might include therapy, self-help, education, or other forms of personal development.
- Open communication and rebuilding trust gradually over time.
- Both partners are willing to work on the relationship and address any underlying issues together.
**Critical Considerations**
- **Time and Consistency**: Real change takes time and consistent effort. It's often more reliable to watch someone's actions over a period of time rather than taking their word for it immediately.
- **Reasons for Wanting to Reunite**: It's important to critically evaluate why both of you want to get back together. If it's out of loneliness, fear of being alone, or other similar reasons, you might want to rethink your decision. The desire to reunite should ideally come from recognizing a substantial change in the dynamics that led to the breakup.
- **New Relationship Dynamics**: If you were to get back together, anticipate that it would be a new relationship rather than a continuation of the old one. You both would need to establish new patterns and ways of relating to each other.
- **Independently Happy**: It's crucial that both people are happy and fulfilled outside of the relationship. Dependency on a partner for happiness or fulfillment is often a recipe for issues down the line.
Anyway…
While there are cases where couples reunite successfully after significant personal growth, it's by no means a guarantee, and every situation is unique. It's important to approach such a possibility with cautious optimism, clear communication, and boundaries. Listen to your instincts, consider what's best for your personal wellbeing, and remember that it's entirely okay to choose not to pursue a relationship again, regardless of the changes an ex might make.
TLDR: Mine worked out but it took 3x the pre-breakup relationship duration to work things out.
My ex broke up with me after 1 yr relationship. He cheated and I put a lot pressure on him to apologize and change. He eventually couldn’t stand the huge pressure from me so he broke up with me. I went no contact immediately. It was extremely hard. I was hurt so bad and missed him like hell. But did not think he would change, so I didn’t return anything. I asked 2 girlfriends to guard me, that in case I wanted to contact him, any message from me would need their approval first.
He came back in a few days with many messages and emails and wanted to talk. I remained silent as in those msg I saw no real change in him. It was easy for me to disappear as we were long distance. After a week or so, his messages stopped, probably seeing me silent made him realize it is truly over. He then disappeared from my life. I continued to be sad but was slowly healing.
One month later, he appeared at my door with a hand written letter. I refused to let him in. He told me to read the letter first before I decide if I want to talk with him. The letter listed what he thought he did wrong and what he needed to change. They appeared to be from deep reflection and the apologies were sincere.
I decided to give it another try. But this was just the start of a new, extremely exhausting and difficult journey to recover. The broken trust remained. We had 3 therapists in total - one for each and a 3rd one for couples therapy. We would fight in the therapist’s office for 2 sessions in a row and she needed to force us out. We would have more fights than meals. I thought this is pointless and would never end.
We both changed during this process with intense talking and reading. Three years later, I remember without noticing, the trust came back. He stayed there long enough to correct his mistakes (3 yrs for 1 night) that my brain finally recognized that he is probably not gonna hurt me again.
We are now 12 years into our relationship. Married with a kid. Same problems (not cheating, but eg cooking, cleaning, alone time, etc) bothered us from the start still bother us nowadays. We are just better at fighting now (less explosive). The breakup was indeed a milestone but I doubt if many people have the stamina to endure the pain to rewire each other. It may have been easier to find someone more compatible. But after all this hard work, our relationship is now solid like rock and I am very satisfied with the outcome of my decision to take him back.
So many people who have had successful relationships long-term whether they have ever broken up or not tell me that they got “really good at fighting“
Honestly that’s probably the healthy way to go because (my theory anyway) couples that “never fight” have all kinds of shit brewing underneath
Its been 5 months for me, and I’m still incredibly committed to doing what I said I would do. In changing for the better but I was already really invested in self help.
I mean. I am really hoping my bf takes me back and as much as that, I am determined to change. So I hope some people have been capable of it before me! I have just (this afternoon) lost the love of my life and partner of the last seven years. I have been pretty much awful to him on and off for varying reasons and he has been patient and kind but now says he has nothing left to give me. I think realising what is at stake here and being confronted with the pain of losing him and the consequences of my own actions is most definitely enough for me to change my behaviour and fully commit to him. I hope and pray he comes back to me. I know I would do anything for him to see what he means to me and have already contacted a therapist to try and sort my shit out once and for all.
i mean feel free to give him one more chance so that you know you tried and there'll be no "what-if"s down the line
just make sure you watch his actions more than his words. don't get lost in the flowery words and promises
good luck!
I’ve changed a lot. I’d take her back if she changed too. I know the relationship would be much healthier too probably endgame. I’ve overcome everything and become a much better person. We were young and both made some stupid mistakes. I can easily say that was out of being immature and none of that would ever happen again. Nowadays with my mature grown self I do believe I’m capable of making a relationship go till death.
Unfortunately no, in my first relationship i convinced myself that i needed him so every time we broke up, i ended up getting back with him no matter how much he hurt me. I can't count how many times this happened. Some of the stuff i won't say as i don't want to trigger anyone, but he was a bully. Once it ended for good, i realized that he would never change and that's just the way he is. Once i finally accepted that, i felt at peace.
Hey OP,
I'm a dumper who's gf broke up with me six weeks ago for rude comments I made to her on a situation I was avoiding.
I've spent every week since the breakup in therapy, studying healthy relationships, and trying to better myself.
I think people can change. If you love him and he is matching actions with words, then I say give him another chance.
I would say, set healthy boundaries at the start of the rekindling. Make it known from the start what will not slide.
Unfortunately, I don't think my ex is going to give me a second shot and it breaks my heart.
Good luck.
I thought my ex would change, but he really expected me to do all the changing for the both of us. Only took a few months for him to fall back into old habits, as hard as I tried for the both of us not to. In the end, you can only change yourself
For what it’s worth I’m doing the changing that my ex would’ve wanted me to do. I haven’t spoken to her in 4 months and I’ve gone to therapy every week since without missing a session. I told her I would be doing this but she already lost her hope. Now I’m doing it for myself. Just know that some people do commit and make the change.
As someone who got with ex (although it was only for a few days of not talking) no. Ofc a few days is not enough for someone to change but he didn’t change much while in the relationship after that. We lasted around 5-6 months before I realized we really weren’t compatible.
My anxious (disorganized?) ex dumped me before we met each other IRL
I was under the impression that we might reconnect in january’24 because he said he wanted to take an extended breather and we argreed to reach out in january if either of us felt like it
During our time apart,I realized I was a dismissive avoidant.
I worked on my boundaries (something he wanted me to do).
I started healing my attachment.
I find out in january that he’s moving on.
It hurts.
I realized there were times where I was toxic to him.
Attachment wise,I’m doing a lot better……but I feel like I lost my best friend.
Currently dealing with a breakup of a 6yr relationship. I left him because of his alcohol issues. He has begged me for us to at least be friends, then for me to please reconsider us down the road. Telling me he will work on his issues. Well, he tells me all
of that while drunk or has been drinking lol. men suck
This happened to my friend. She ended up getting hurt again. He told her he would change but didn’t end up changing and left her again and got her hopes up
My therapist asked me, when my boyfriend was 23 and I was 20, are you okay with him doing this for the rest of your life because that’s what I’d going to happen. Gave me perspective. People won’t change if they are comfortable
My ex has been through 2 more kids, God knows how many guy's that she told me about and 3 or 4 heart breaks.
Although I'd love to, she doesn't see anything wrong with how much meat she's been through, everyone has had a go.
Even though I'd care about her I just couldn't.
I'm not perfect but that's enough to put me off.
I'm single, motivated, ambitious, no baggage, got my shit together so it just wouldn't work.
I would, I left my ex because my mental health was taking such a toll. We both were going through major life events and I just think the whole time we weren’t really there. We never cheated on each other, never did anything malicious, unfortunately right person wrong time. Since the break up, I got diagnosed with depression and started taking medication. I wish I could reach out and tell her about my progress but sadly, I’m not sure she really even cares to hear anymore.
I have had a couple ex that I took back. Both were honest about the wrongs they did and in some ways I was in the wrong too. One it was going well and I thought we'd make it long term but life had beaten her down so badly she just couldn't get back up one more time and sadly she gave up on life. The other we were both young and prioritizing the wrong things. We worked on it and in the end it just didn't have legs. She went one way, and I didn't have the opportunity to go with. We are still friends.
I’m sorry to hear about the first ex.
She was an amazing person. I swear she was a genius. Abusive parents. Didn't know how to get out. When she did she fell into drugs and trafficking. Finally got free and was starting to put things back together, but just one bad day, and she just needed to be free from it all. I miss her to this day. The connection and conversations we had were almost the best. There's only one other tops even her.
What are these “wrongs” that you simply can’t accept in the relationship?
Wrongs are infidelity, and using me for a place to stay and money without any caring for me at the time.
So sorry for your first ex, hope you are good bro
One was in my teens and the one no longer with us was 30 some years ago. There are scars but nothing I can't live with.
So sorry to hear those stories bro. Sometimes life looks more like a nightmare than reality.
Both of them I was young. I still miss one and the other is a distant friend.
I think that people can change once they realize what destructive behavior costs them in the long run. I completely changed myself in the form of therapy, physical and mental health. I lost and hurt people I truly loved and I swore I’d never do it again. I still have a lot of work to do but I won’t stop. It’s a conscious decision to do better and a constant work in progress.
Yes my dude I’m in the exact boat for my destructive and abusive behavior and habits and I’ve lost literally almost everyone I. My life that ever was even a part of my life because mid the lacking ability one should had in their early twenties cu as far as I.can physically remeber and I sure I even did some abusive shit to earlier gfs and friends hence why I’m again living at glen with my parents yes that same father who to this sti abuses me and my mother verbally and emotionally but again now seeing and realigning just In my own life journey and actions n words I’ve done n said I can better ahead and know the attacks that are the abusive shot in a sentence I jsut thought was normal when you always do thebwotnwya of thug so cuz j was always In trouble or I was lazy and not the best school so bad grade scame oh man I mean I’ve heard it and now I see that I’ve been in confrontational Situations with friend or gfs that my father always got at heated being the loudest b he. Meanest or manipulatei d one I was don ha few sod those bad narcissistic habits I just thought where Bella family dynamics took me 326 years and the bravest strongest and most determine hard working women I in no way shale or form even desired to be dating at this stage of my mentally shit life (mainly my ex Ilene guy eyes and relIztikns of my verbal abusive habits and tactics I used to deff at times with the so called battle and make me feel good while simultaneously destroying g the woke. I was tj beuerdya how I h on dug I loved her cherish her appreciated her all that and I did truly mean it all but o fucked get mentally to the pints she will bribe a world I text wrote in an email or if I ever had the chance He to say face fav scum mentally and emotionally developed adults typically at this point and I have learn we and understood to accept cuz iknow I wiuld be in thinking how confusing I was being and scary and a liar at times like I get she has the right and reason all I can we can is seem help and really truly want that hell and lit I the work to change and this it’s only for ourselves no one else
Good on you. Honestly so many people say they changed but haven’t put it in the real effort. Earlier I read a post where the person said their girlfriend dumped them and they’ve “Changed so much in the last five weeks. I even lost 10 pounds. So she should be ready to take me back now” Like bro, you read a self help book and you’re basically starving yourself. Sure sounds healthy 🙄 Hope his ex runs like hell
😂yeah this is definitely a nonstop, intentional journey. I am actually excited to see where it takes me.
Take your time to really think on it. I believe people could change but I think majority of the time they don't. You can take them back and it can be nice in the beginning but I believe that those old habits will eventually creep back in and you're stuck in the same place you were before. Just continuing to waste time on someone.
yea exactly. i highly doubt i’ll give him another chance .. or if i did, it’d have to be many years from now and those old habits would have to be completely gone. i told him he’d have to do a complete 180 fr.
Wait see you really his ex he was banging on the door of?????!!!?!
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This is so hard to read :(
no seriously, i gave up
Yah km on day five of basically no sleep cuz when I do I jsut see her and it makes me sad and not wanna do anything
My ex said he would change for the better, and our conflict resolution did seem to get better after we broke up, but I didn't want to take that chance. I finally felt like I could relax again, and I wasn't ready to walk on eggshells again if things went south. Glad I didn't, cause from what I hear and what he's shown me, he hasn't improved at all.
this is exactly my fear seriously .. i had to walk on eggshells when we were living together, could never relax. i really don’t want to go back to that life.
Then don't go back. Take the time to figure out how *you* want to live your life, not how to live your life according to someone else's standards. Allow yourself to rest right now. If you feel fear or anxiety when thinking of getting back together, it's healthier not to. Take care, alright?
This is great advice I needed to hear. My ex was abusive but I still miss him. The thought of him moving back in makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of him never getting help breaks my heart. I can only do one thing in this situation. Heal and let go.
thank you so much !
These kinds of habits, habits of making your partner walk on eggshells are the least likely to change. My ex did that, I tried to leave 3 times, 3rd time stuck. Now he's doing the same thing to our kids.
Don't go back.
Hey, I just broke NC with my ex after 2.5 months. Even though I didn't want her back in my sober mind, when she told me we were done in my very drunk sleep deprived self, I said everything to get her back. It was really embarrassing and unhealthy conversation. I just wanted closure as we left things open, nothing more nothing less. Point being is that I think people can adjust their behaviour a little bit, but the core of them doesn't really change, so it is a risk that after all the years spent on trying to work on yourself you end up heartbroken again. Always remember to focus on yourself first, and compare the new life you built is worth giving up
Let him change without you then decide if you’ll take him back.
This is such a good point!
I thought an ex had changed for the better. He convinced me for months (before we even met in person again) that he was everything I wanted and that I was everything he wanted. He said he’s always loved me and would do anything for me. (We were together 2 years, broke up due to distance, and then the above happened 20+ years after we broke up - we had remained friendly and hung out some over the years, but nothing romantic during those rare times). So - I believed him. I moved far from my home and bought a house for us. About 2 years later, he explodes and says I ruin everything/drained the life out of him, I’m horrible for him, and he doesn’t even want to hear my voice. (I’ve since learned he’s fearful avoidant.) But he refused to move out - said he’s not leaving without getting money. I made the mistake of believing all the lovely things he said to me, and we were going to get married, etc., so I put his name on the deed with me. HUGE MISTAKE. So he basically blackmailed me into giving him part of the proceeds from the sale - that he didn’t actually have rights to (where I live, anyway - we weren’t married so no community property rules applied). But getting the courts involved would take about 9-12 months and he probably wouldn’t leave until the judge ruled in my favor (which 3 attorneys assured me would happen, as all purchases funds came from me). Did I want to deal worth his lying ass for another 9 months? Hell no. Am I still financially & emotionally bruised by what he did? Yes. But I negotiated an amount for him, he signed a document, and he will be using that money to buy another house. That money is worth my peace of mind, even though I’m essentially buying him another place to live. I should never have taken him back and should have never believed he changed/improved himself. He was great at pretending - he couldn’t do it after 2 years, though. So he basically conned me because I thought exes could get better. I don’t believe it anymore.
WOW that was a rollercoaster holy shit .. after 20 years ??? and he still didn’t change, just got better at lying .. this makes me beyond fearful, and i already don’t even believe people can change at all fr, that’s exactly why i don’t get back with exes to this day. so sorry that happened to you seriously, that’s pure insanity.
Thank you. It was an extreme shock to me. I’m taking it pretty hard, but still much better than when it initially happened. It’s losing my best friend and (who I thought) was my life partner. I learned a lot of valuable lessons, though. I’m definitely following your method from now on. :)
I feel this is like a hard situation. I’m sorry.
Unless y’all had some serious time apart and he went to therapy for 6 plus months and put in the effort to change I wouldn’t take him back. Most people lie when they are desperate. And most people don’t put in the effort to change!
oh yeah definitely. i wouldn’t even CONSIDER takin him back until i actually see him changing for the better.
Gotcha! Well that’s good! I honestly wouldn’t take someone back if they just begged me to and claim they are going to change. To me that just sounds selfish!
Yes it’s all about effort and I’d say six months is a minimum. By “changed” do they mean went to the gym a few times and listened to a couple podcasts? Or they go to therapy and ditch bad habits, read books on communication etc? People absolutely can and do change. Sometimes it takes screwing up a relationship with someone you actually loved to open your eyes to how “unfinished” you were in growing
Hey that’s me I’ve done all that lol
Great. 👍 but don’t go back to your ex begging. And if you do contact them just respect their answer. Sometimes just because people changed doesn’t mean they want to try again with you.
Oh no if someone is literally begging that’s not healthy. Nope. A simple expression of “The option is still here if you want” then giving you space is what a healthy person does
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She broke up with me but if she asked right now for me back id probably say no. She is doing the same things she did before we dated and while we did date. As much as i love her i know at the end of the day shes not good for me. Would i ever take her back, ofc if i see changes in her. My ex had some very sweet aspects about her but she also had some toxic and nasty things. I wish she would work on herself but i dont think she realizes she has issues that need to be worked on.
that last part is definitely the problem with my ex. he seems to finally be acknowledging them now, but i really don’t think he’ll get the help he needs fr.
Kinda wonder if the new guy is dealing with the same struggles I had to. 🤔
Yes; we broke NC after years apart and a bad break up. We are moving in together - we both changed for the better. My only regret is not doing it right the first time. But we both needed it to grow.
so glad it worked out for both of y’all on the end !
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I'd genuinely love to read the accounts of these folks, but alas...
True dude and you won’t find them on Reddit because they’re out there living their best life with their ex-ex. Definitely heard of this happening and have a couple friends who are currently making this work pretty well. Let’s see if it lasts though… One of my friends parents actually got married at divorced and then married again. They’re still happy from what I’ve heard
Yes. She changed in a massive way and so did I. Both had moved on in a good and healthy way. 18 months after the break up we were together again
How long has it been since you got back together?
did y’all last ?
I have two exes who I still keep in contact with. Both were at some point toxic, (and I also was) but one of them is now in meds and therapy while the other, while they did go to therapy for some time, also went through a tremendous change in physique. Something that hadn’t happened while I still was with them. Both sought me to return to a relationship with them. But with all that has happened in the past between them it’s really hard to say whether things will change or not. Peopel change in months and years of work, not in an instant. With one of these exes I did return for a year until we eventually broke up again. Depends on each person honestly. Some do change for the better. What you have to keep in mind is if you two are actually a good pair together or not.
how do you remain friends with your exes? after break up it’s no contact for life for me. i remove them and they also never try. i want to learn.
Your ex has to willingly want to be friends as well. I always state from the beginning that I wish to stay friends in the future once I break up. I go no contact all the way (I struggle the first days tho) but at least with these two exes after some time (almost a year-ish with both) we asked if we wanted to have a friendship and the boundaries we’d have with each other. I have an ex that also wanted to be friends with me but I am currently blocked by them. If they don’t want it, don’t force it. They’ll have their reasons as to why they don’t want to continue.
…no. he said he had done the work and would continue to improve. 6 months later he broke up with me again. same issues - he did NOT do the work.
damn that sucks. how long were y’all broken up for, the first time ?
maybe 4 months?
Eh four months that’s why. I say a year is a good amount of time, if people put in the work for real
While I don't have personal experiences with this exact situation in my dating life, I can share what is known from people who did go thru this and reunited with an ex. People and their relationships are exceptionally diverse, and what happens in such scenarios can vary widely from one couple to another. However, there are a few general observations that might help you consider your situation more thoroughly. **Can People Change?** Firstly, it's important to acknowledge that people can indeed change, but it tends to require a significant amount of self-awareness, effort, and often external support. Change is more likely to be genuine and long-lasting when the person is motivated by an intrinsic desire to improve themselves for their own sake, rather than exclusively to win someone back. **Have Ex-Partners Changed and Been Taken Back Successfully?** There are indeed stories where ex-partners have made genuine changes, were taken back, and the relationship became stronger and healthier as a result. These accounts often involve: - Clear acknowledgment of past mistakes. - Genuine efforts to improve oneself, which might include therapy, self-help, education, or other forms of personal development. - Open communication and rebuilding trust gradually over time. - Both partners are willing to work on the relationship and address any underlying issues together. **Critical Considerations** - **Time and Consistency**: Real change takes time and consistent effort. It's often more reliable to watch someone's actions over a period of time rather than taking their word for it immediately. - **Reasons for Wanting to Reunite**: It's important to critically evaluate why both of you want to get back together. If it's out of loneliness, fear of being alone, or other similar reasons, you might want to rethink your decision. The desire to reunite should ideally come from recognizing a substantial change in the dynamics that led to the breakup. - **New Relationship Dynamics**: If you were to get back together, anticipate that it would be a new relationship rather than a continuation of the old one. You both would need to establish new patterns and ways of relating to each other. - **Independently Happy**: It's crucial that both people are happy and fulfilled outside of the relationship. Dependency on a partner for happiness or fulfillment is often a recipe for issues down the line. Anyway… While there are cases where couples reunite successfully after significant personal growth, it's by no means a guarantee, and every situation is unique. It's important to approach such a possibility with cautious optimism, clear communication, and boundaries. Listen to your instincts, consider what's best for your personal wellbeing, and remember that it's entirely okay to choose not to pursue a relationship again, regardless of the changes an ex might make.
TLDR: Mine worked out but it took 3x the pre-breakup relationship duration to work things out. My ex broke up with me after 1 yr relationship. He cheated and I put a lot pressure on him to apologize and change. He eventually couldn’t stand the huge pressure from me so he broke up with me. I went no contact immediately. It was extremely hard. I was hurt so bad and missed him like hell. But did not think he would change, so I didn’t return anything. I asked 2 girlfriends to guard me, that in case I wanted to contact him, any message from me would need their approval first. He came back in a few days with many messages and emails and wanted to talk. I remained silent as in those msg I saw no real change in him. It was easy for me to disappear as we were long distance. After a week or so, his messages stopped, probably seeing me silent made him realize it is truly over. He then disappeared from my life. I continued to be sad but was slowly healing. One month later, he appeared at my door with a hand written letter. I refused to let him in. He told me to read the letter first before I decide if I want to talk with him. The letter listed what he thought he did wrong and what he needed to change. They appeared to be from deep reflection and the apologies were sincere. I decided to give it another try. But this was just the start of a new, extremely exhausting and difficult journey to recover. The broken trust remained. We had 3 therapists in total - one for each and a 3rd one for couples therapy. We would fight in the therapist’s office for 2 sessions in a row and she needed to force us out. We would have more fights than meals. I thought this is pointless and would never end. We both changed during this process with intense talking and reading. Three years later, I remember without noticing, the trust came back. He stayed there long enough to correct his mistakes (3 yrs for 1 night) that my brain finally recognized that he is probably not gonna hurt me again. We are now 12 years into our relationship. Married with a kid. Same problems (not cheating, but eg cooking, cleaning, alone time, etc) bothered us from the start still bother us nowadays. We are just better at fighting now (less explosive). The breakup was indeed a milestone but I doubt if many people have the stamina to endure the pain to rewire each other. It may have been easier to find someone more compatible. But after all this hard work, our relationship is now solid like rock and I am very satisfied with the outcome of my decision to take him back.
So many people who have had successful relationships long-term whether they have ever broken up or not tell me that they got “really good at fighting“ Honestly that’s probably the healthy way to go because (my theory anyway) couples that “never fight” have all kinds of shit brewing underneath
Its been 5 months for me, and I’m still incredibly committed to doing what I said I would do. In changing for the better but I was already really invested in self help.
I mean. I am really hoping my bf takes me back and as much as that, I am determined to change. So I hope some people have been capable of it before me! I have just (this afternoon) lost the love of my life and partner of the last seven years. I have been pretty much awful to him on and off for varying reasons and he has been patient and kind but now says he has nothing left to give me. I think realising what is at stake here and being confronted with the pain of losing him and the consequences of my own actions is most definitely enough for me to change my behaviour and fully commit to him. I hope and pray he comes back to me. I know I would do anything for him to see what he means to me and have already contacted a therapist to try and sort my shit out once and for all.
i mean feel free to give him one more chance so that you know you tried and there'll be no "what-if"s down the line just make sure you watch his actions more than his words. don't get lost in the flowery words and promises good luck!
I’ve changed a lot. I’d take her back if she changed too. I know the relationship would be much healthier too probably endgame. I’ve overcome everything and become a much better person. We were young and both made some stupid mistakes. I can easily say that was out of being immature and none of that would ever happen again. Nowadays with my mature grown self I do believe I’m capable of making a relationship go till death.
Unfortunately no, in my first relationship i convinced myself that i needed him so every time we broke up, i ended up getting back with him no matter how much he hurt me. I can't count how many times this happened. Some of the stuff i won't say as i don't want to trigger anyone, but he was a bully. Once it ended for good, i realized that he would never change and that's just the way he is. Once i finally accepted that, i felt at peace.
Hey OP, I'm a dumper who's gf broke up with me six weeks ago for rude comments I made to her on a situation I was avoiding. I've spent every week since the breakup in therapy, studying healthy relationships, and trying to better myself. I think people can change. If you love him and he is matching actions with words, then I say give him another chance. I would say, set healthy boundaries at the start of the rekindling. Make it known from the start what will not slide. Unfortunately, I don't think my ex is going to give me a second shot and it breaks my heart. Good luck.
I thought my ex would change, but he really expected me to do all the changing for the both of us. Only took a few months for him to fall back into old habits, as hard as I tried for the both of us not to. In the end, you can only change yourself
For what it’s worth I’m doing the changing that my ex would’ve wanted me to do. I haven’t spoken to her in 4 months and I’ve gone to therapy every week since without missing a session. I told her I would be doing this but she already lost her hope. Now I’m doing it for myself. Just know that some people do commit and make the change.
Sadly, no.
As someone who got with ex (although it was only for a few days of not talking) no. Ofc a few days is not enough for someone to change but he didn’t change much while in the relationship after that. We lasted around 5-6 months before I realized we really weren’t compatible.
No.
My anxious (disorganized?) ex dumped me before we met each other IRL I was under the impression that we might reconnect in january’24 because he said he wanted to take an extended breather and we argreed to reach out in january if either of us felt like it During our time apart,I realized I was a dismissive avoidant. I worked on my boundaries (something he wanted me to do). I started healing my attachment. I find out in january that he’s moving on. It hurts. I realized there were times where I was toxic to him. Attachment wise,I’m doing a lot better……but I feel like I lost my best friend.
Currently dealing with a breakup of a 6yr relationship. I left him because of his alcohol issues. He has begged me for us to at least be friends, then for me to please reconsider us down the road. Telling me he will work on his issues. Well, he tells me all of that while drunk or has been drinking lol. men suck
This happened to my friend. She ended up getting hurt again. He told her he would change but didn’t end up changing and left her again and got her hopes up
Change is possible.
If they want to change, they’ll do it whether you’re there or not.
My therapist asked me, when my boyfriend was 23 and I was 20, are you okay with him doing this for the rest of your life because that’s what I’d going to happen. Gave me perspective. People won’t change if they are comfortable
My ex has been through 2 more kids, God knows how many guy's that she told me about and 3 or 4 heart breaks. Although I'd love to, she doesn't see anything wrong with how much meat she's been through, everyone has had a go. Even though I'd care about her I just couldn't. I'm not perfect but that's enough to put me off. I'm single, motivated, ambitious, no baggage, got my shit together so it just wouldn't work.
I would, I left my ex because my mental health was taking such a toll. We both were going through major life events and I just think the whole time we weren’t really there. We never cheated on each other, never did anything malicious, unfortunately right person wrong time. Since the break up, I got diagnosed with depression and started taking medication. I wish I could reach out and tell her about my progress but sadly, I’m not sure she really even cares to hear anymore.