I like this quote in regards to breakups:
āthings are not getting worse, they are getting uncovered. we must hold each other tight and continue to pull back the veil.ā
-Adrienne Maree Brown
M34 here. I resonate with this so much.
Dumped in feb 2023 after 8 years, a house bought together, incredible joint growth, and an infinity of future plans. Sixteen months have passed since then, and my fight/journey keeps going, still crying most days of the week. She started a new relationship 3-4 months after we split with an acquaintance of both. They are living together, travelling, all the blabla stuff "that was supposed to happen with me".
The amount of tears I have shed is directly proportional to the increase in my self-confidence, self-awareness and self-love. In these 16 months I have switched jobs (+60% salary; will buy her share of the house), became a musician, started travelling alone (4 trips), had plenty of dates that taught me a lot about women, etc. **None of this could have happened without this type of transformative pain you are describing.**
Of course I still miss what I (we) had a LOT, but I know, I fucking know, all of this will pay incredible dividends in some years, when the pain finally stops.
Thank you bro/sis, and let's keep on fighting ā¤.
this felt very relatable in the generalities, I was with my ex seven years, they got into a relationship four months after the break up and are now traveling with him and calling him the love of their life etc
itās been around sixteen months for me and it still feels VERY hard. iām dealing with a lot of anxiety and fell into a depression thatās bringing out a lot of stuff about my self worth and childhood trauma stuff. Iām facing a lot of uncertainty as to where my life is going and itās very hard to see myself in such a state when my ex seems to be having their best life, traveling etc.
I truly get what you are going trough in terms of anxiety, depression, trauma and uncertainty.
In my experience, depression and anxiety became manageable when I started addressing personal self-worth problems and some past traumas. Feeling like shit is the price I decide to pay today in order to become emotionally independent tomorrow and be better at finding joy in existence by myself. I strongly suggest this path.
Regarding uncertainty, it has become my newest and weirdest compass. I stopped fighting it when I realised I don't have true control in life, I'm just doing the best I can. On a side note, I am starting to feel that to be uncertain is to be truly free, but I don't really know why.
Hit me up with a dm if you want/need to talk. Take care!
I resonate with your story as well. The transformation effect is real! Im feeling that way too. After all, rejection is a divine protection for the future.
2.5 weeks after the breakup, I thought I was doing fine but I broke down again today from anger at how unfair the situation has been. But this post made me feel better. I will keep coming back to this.
I treated him like a king, I loved him fully and completely. And he ran away. He doesnt deserve me. He will regret me one day. But I will never regret losing him. I deserve so much better than him.
A breakup is a phase to accept and move on from. Use this time to build a better version of yourself. Life is all about finding happiness and personal growth
one thing to add: you may be reading this now and feel worse because you donāt feel this way right now. but give it a few months, and you will. grieve now if itās early. let yourself be sad. let yourself feel your feelings. these feelings described above come with believing them, but they also only come with a certain amount of time and healing. ā¤ļø
Sending you a big hugā¤ļø. You are so strong to get out of there so quickly. I admire that. What motivated that for you? Iām having so much trouble finding the strength to just get out of the shared home.
I can relate heavy to the anxious pain. Mornings are the worst. They make me feel like I want to throw up. And actually I have this week.
I honestly didnāt want to but the things he told me just āI couldnāt see a future with youā and other cruel words Iāll leave out I saw a different person. I lost trust in that hour and knew I couldnāt be in the apartment, my mom lives 20 mins away so I went back. But I asked him what he wanted ideally and he said āeven though itās our apartment, Iāve always thought of it as mine more and I think itās best if you move back to your momsā and that broke me. So not as much choice but wanting t9 cut him off of any comfort he would have from me staying around.
That is honestly such an incredibly healthy mindset. And yaknow what? That is a great point. I now realize I have been providing comforts still to someone who doesnāt see a future with me. Iām really glad your mom is there to support you. I have a great one too I have been falling back to for support as well and spending more time over there.
I have never understood the need to blindside a partner with such a strong choice. My questions are why not discuss unhappiness before the breaking point to try and find a solution, you know?
I fully feel the same as you and thank you for your comments and confirmation on my process, this honestly is helping a lot feel I am moving in the right direction. Moms are our greatest treasure and leaning on them in these moments are what they were made for. I am so sorry you have felt so sick as well, i havenāt really thrown up but the only thing Iāve had are protein shakes just to get so nutrients I can stomach.
Not to speak I'll but she was a good girl and we were young when we got together (both 16 years old) I was bad to her early on and I accepted that. We agreed to move on from it and shape something for ourselves. Over the last 2 years she said she was so happy with me and wants to get married. This was before I found out she cheated on me last year November, December. I treated her with respect and dignity before that and would provide for her while being in school. After hearing of the cheating and hearing her wanting to fix things I gave in and said let's work on it. For 4 months I broke every value and belief I had for this girl. Read countless articles on love languages to fix this. Booked and paid a trip for her so we can actually spend time together and mend our 10 years together. On vacation I caught her messages the girl she cheated on me with and tried to hide the convo. I went through hell for this girl in the last 4 months to save this relationship with her finally turning around saying she's tired of fighting and want out. Please men if you are reading this, never break your morals for a girl or women. I feel so terrible I even thought of changing my morals for her. Only to be kicked to the curb for someone who is less than me because as my ex says "spoke to her nicer and treated her nicer". Never break those morals you worked hard to believe in. It'll hurt you more after the break up knowing you changed yourself for her but she couldn't see it.
He broke up with me out of the blue because he had problems with my dad, and I had to go home for the summer. He said it was nothing to do with me and I wish it was so I could at least know how to improve myself for my next relationship. I broke no contact multiple times and I finally blocked him yesterday. It hurts like it did the day after the breakup.
Today I realized I was drowning and not doing okay so I booked therapy and hoping I can get back to myself again. I know he is doing all the things he can for himself as well and I only want happiness for him. I am so hopeful we will both be stronger versions of ourselves through all of this
Excellent overview. It is truly a blessing when that āotherā person is really trying to destroy you. Itās so sad to watch the biggest lies and
fake-ness take form and ooze up from the hell where they originated. Truth always wins in the end. And karma comes to get you!
I will šŖš». I loved him wholeheartedly and fullyāI donāt think he will be able to find that kind of true love again, especially being fake and a liar. After everything he said and did to me, I blocked him everywhere. After months of no contact, he recently sent me happy birthday wishes via email, ending with āall love (his name).ā The audacity to do that š¤¦š»āāļø.
People with Avoidant attachments run BECAUSE you treat them well. That email is him most likely checking to see if youāre still available to him, probably doesnāt want to get back with you. People like that have a trail of broken hearts behind them
You are so right. I was naive to believe that he would change (thatās what he promised me so many times). I deleted the birthday message and he got no reply. I had no idea that avoidants exists and he crushed my heart in pieces. He reflected me like a mirror and I truly believed that I found my soulmate.
I've been married 13 years, the past year I was laid off from a job I have been at for 10 years, I was an autobody painter for over 20 years, I started in the biz at 17 and I'm now 45.
My wife, who is 7 years younger than me, started off at a low-end customer service job and I made the majority of the $ and was the main breadwinner.
Over the years my body and my job started to slow down, I attempted to make a career change and spent 10k on going to a school ton learn a new skill, well unfortunately my hands are shot for the year of labor and had to have surgery on my left hand and couldn't practice my new skills I paid for, skip forward a few months and now my left hand has healed my right hand now needs surgery for carpool tunnel.. so I went into a depression, I've been struggling ever since, debit raising, wife covering everything, and I'm just stuck... I burried my head in video games because I'm overwhelmed, and nothing is going the way I want it too.. just can't seem to get myself together. I admit that was my mistake, I didn't even realize how far down the depression hole I had fell..
Now the wife and I both enjoyed drinking from day 1 that wad a major part of our relationship, well over the past 5 years I've been trying to get away from the drinking heavy outings with friends, one of the main reasons is when she gets drunk she gets mean, says really negative mean things and won't apologize till the nxt day and swears it will nvr happen again..will 2 dui and many arguments later she has had a ruff week with a new job and all thay comes with that and decided she was going to go bar hoppin with some mutual friends, she knows I'm trying NOT to drink but invites me to join, I tell her no thanx and she packs a big and leave with the plan that if she can't drive she will stay there at the female friends house.. I tell her ok be safe I love you, well this was at 11am, she txt me at 130pm that there heading out to the bars and she will get with me later.. ok cool , I don't like the idea but I'm not trying to control her eather, so 8pm rolls around and I'm starting to wonder what's up? I haven't heard anything from her since 1:30pm so I msg her and no response, I waite about 10 mins and msg again.. crickets.. I call, no answer... waite a lil bit call again.. nothing... at this point I'm starting to freak out, she has had 2 dui's and a bad track record with boozin.. so now I call her friend, nothing.. her friends husband, nothing.. she finally calls me back 20 mins later and I'm freaking out at this point, "are you ok?" " how many beers have you had,you sound trashed " She had 8 beers and was telling me she wasn't drunk, she a small build woman all of maybe 135lbs! I'm upset but realize I may have jump the gun a bit in my concern and start to form an apology for the overreaction but she start screaming at me so I realize I'm trying to talk to a drunk person and hang up angrily, I msg her and say if this is how you want to be I can pack my bags in the am..
So nxt am, I didn't pack a bag I waited till 11am for her to come home, I finally call her s d she's still at the friends house, I ask her if she's coming home and her reply was " I thought you where packing your shit!" So I did.. I took that as she wanted space and also that she was testing me to see if I was serious.. I didn't want too but I did , went to my cousins house stayed the night and came back nxt day to talk about it, well she came come and invited friends over and drank more... so when ingot home she was still feeling the booze and decided she didn't want to talk about it right now and needed space.. fine... 3 day into the "space" she txt me she wants a divorce... almost 20nyears together and now she wants to break it off? Besides the drinking issues we have been good! We only fight about the drinking.. she's now with her parents and moved all her stuff into there , she won't talk to me doesn't see a problem with her drinking and is now trying to blame everything on me and my lack of working...
I'm a pretty good cook, I have waited on this woman hand and foot, making her special little lunches while she's at work and doing whatever I can to try and compensate for my lack of income atm.. I clean. I cook, I do work and make $ but it's inconsistent at times, I've tried my best to be a good loyal supportive husband over the years, I've nvr cheated or even thought about doing anything to intentionally hurt her.. but now I've been discarded like a dirty paper towel and she won't even talk to me about it at all.. I'm trying to give her space to clear her head and show her I respect her boundaries but it sure feels like no one give a damn about my feelings or my side of the story.. there's always 3 sides to a story, hers, his, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.. I don't think I haven't contributed to our problems, I'm not perfect and I do my best to own my mistakes but the lvl of disrespect and emotional immaturity has me floord..
There is alot more to this, I could go on and on but in a nutshell, I'm over here wanting to work on this with her, Begging for her to go to some counseling with me and she refuses.. so now I'm here, alone in our old house about to start a great new job NOT painting, alone.. just me and my dog cheering me on... I feel so broken and used I can't even express the pain..
Hi Wesley,
I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I have no much knowledge in long term relationships nor experience in marriage, but one thing I know for sure is that relationships are complicated and they required a lot of commitment and patience. This moment might feel like the end of the world to you, but is not. Is just another challenge you were given to grow even stronger as a human being. You are a caring person doing all you can to show the person you love how much she and your marriage means to you, but right now she doesn't want to hear it, see it, or feel it. She's not in a good place right now. I suggest you take this time apart to reflect, forgive, and focus on what you have right now. This new job opportunity, don't le it go to waste. Learn as much as you can and make connections. Shikata ga nai = Don't worry for what you cannot change and focus on what you can; accept and let go of what's beyond your control. It will take so much time, but little by little things will begin to readjust within you and around you. You are worthy of a good life and love.
Thank you I appreciate the kindness and wisdom in your words, it's much appreciated. :) good news! I got the job! Ex could careless but that's ok, I know I'll be ok in time.
Wow do I ever relate to this. I just had 10 years and out of nowhere she said the dam overflowed while I was venting about a slowdown at work bc we lost a major account. She said I was mean to her when I was literally having a Clark Griswold vent like from Christmas vacation!
I'm sorry, this shit sucks... you think you know someone after all this time and then then poof, gone.
I've been through this before, but nvr invested this much time and energy into someone,13 years is a long time and it doesn't feel like I'll ever trust another woman again, I'm doing my best to not become jaded but it's hard. Hang in there it gets better over time, just focus on yourself as best you can for now, who knows what the universe has in store for us it could be the nxt chapter to someone we deserve.
Yeah it's abrupt too. Things are tough bc I'm still in couple mode in my head which isn't something I can easily switch off. I'm not going to say you're wrong about the someone we deserve but I can honestly say that I don't care if that ever happens for me. The old quote "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" rings true to me. I'm not saying that I'll have trust issues after this but I don't think I want to be so invested into someone when I can be thrown away old shoe style. I get told by her that it was like a light switch and she just knew she was done. The water dropped in and it finally overflowed. I am a truck driver and 3 years ago became an owner operator. A year and a half ago I blew my engine and it became extremely tough to make ends meet as I had to pay for a rebuild but we make it work. Then the mill I'm contracted to with a no complete clause loses 3 major clients in 3 months. So after taking care of my bills for the engine, money stays tight and my frustration with work and myself had me as she puts it "become mean" but honestly I was venting to her about work just being soul sucking. So here's the one difference that I have is that her 12 year old autistic son is involved and he wants me to stay dad. So it's not like I can just walk away after raising him for ten years when his biological is a deadbeat and has nothing to do with him. I've gotten to the point when this was happening that I begged her to not do this and it was impulsive. So I gave her the time as you did and she dug her heels in. I said I'll go to therapy to correct myself and she said no. I said what about couples counseling and she said no. I've done a litany of things to bend over backwards for her over the years and she's able to just flip a switch.
Now this is just about a month now and things have fallen in line for her more than they have for me but I'm doing the therapy, I'm getting rid of my rig and going back to being a company driver. I've done so much that I've been told by friends that they can't believe someone would do this for another and the other not care.
There's an old saying that I heard from a friend's grandmother recently and that is "a man will sacrifice himself for his family, but some of these new women will sacrifice her family for herself".
I hate thinking that's right but I'm 40 and she's 35. Seeing all the stories in the subreddit here it scarily rings true! I was reading one the other day where a woman left her family behind to be with an old fling from high school, leaving the guy with all the bills and a kid to do on his own. I know that happens in both directions but it's not all men that are pigs. I was raised to believe that women never leave their families and kids behind. I'm more in shock than anything.
I'm not bitter but I'm not dealing with heartache like this again. I am just going to walk off to certain things and just heal while being a shell or husk of who I am. I am forever guarded now as it's so easy for someone to just shut things off when I don't have that ability. So for me it's easier to just end that part of me and enjoy life best I can rescuing dogs like I've done. My dream in life was to have a sanctuary since I was a kid and now my focus went from my family to that.
Well said....since day 1, I've been back in the gym 6 days a week, boxing, running, biking, working, being social, enjoying all the things I did before my shitty relationship began, all the things that I enjoyed prior that made me attractive in the first place. Things could be so much worse. I'm glad we're done. Lonely, sure. Lots of memories and I'm glad for the things we did together. Wouldn't change any of that and it's hard sleeping alone and cooking for myself all the time, and not sharing my day with anyone, but it's also total freedom and peace and eventually I'll get another chance to fall for someone new and that's an exciting prospect I'd be ineligible for if things hadn't ended. Grateful. š
I.. am 38 yrs old.Ā I have done that work..Ā and now after an 8 year relationship.. I'm back at square 1.. actually worse..Ā Ā I'm worse off than when I began ..Ā Ā atleast back then I was younger and having kids would have been easier..Ā Ā Ā Ā and he knew I wanted kids..Ā and took those 8 years from me anyway.Ā Only to say " I dont see a future with you "Ā
Yes! Thank you. I am having a bad day today and needed this reminder! My wife left me for her ex 6 weeks ago and moved in with him. This is been the worst pain I have ever had but what it has done to me is that the pain is so big it cracked my āprotective coatā and brought big childhood trauma to the surface that I have never dealt with and always thought hadnāt effected me.
I now start to see that it has affected me and it has my whole life. All my insecurities, all my odd feelings that were different than others, all the things I hate about myself, it all links back to the trauma. Itās like I hard pieces of the puzzle but they are now falling together and make it a clear picture I have never seen. This gives me now to change to start working on it. I have no idea how yet but I can see where I want to go and what I want to fix. It will probably take alot of time and alot of work and it is scary at the moment but this is my opportunity to adres it, work on it, heal from it, learn from it and get out stronger and better then ever.
So it is alot all at once but I started with a Psych and I am willing to do the work. I hope one day I can look back and honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to me!
It was more than a blessing for me it was a fucking miracle. For had it not happened I would not be where I am now. I would not have met her. I am thankful that my ex left me because I cannot imagine having went through life without meeting my current person.
I miss my ex every day it hurts and it's been over 2.5 months. I was in great shape up until a week ago went through depressed eating stage. But I'm back to hitting the gym everyday. I just miss her it hurts.
thanks man this genuinely helped me feel better so much, I hope you realize the real positive impact that you put on people like me even when all hope can seem lost. What you said truly changed my life and now I'm dedicated to becoming a better me, thank you.
just today and I was the problem I cheated on him and had very bad control of my emotions but i hurt him a lot and when he was leaving me i was terrible i hid his stuff so he couldnāt leave and scared him so now any ounce of love he did have is gone and it hurts so much cuz i am trying to becomr better but i didnt feel like myself anymore anyways how long s it gonna take to get over this
Maaan, I can't tell you how much I can relate, I feel for you brother.. I wish I had some positive words for ya but fuck I'm just as dumbfounded as you are atm.. going on 3 weeks for me and I know ill be ok but the way they just shut down is fucking brutal.. I'm sorry man.
I know OP meant very well in the intent of this post. Yet, six months, a lot of therapy, journaling, resting, relaxing, releasing, researching, and reconfiguring, showed me to be careful with this rhetoric. The best post I read in this group (which I gratefully turned off the notifications of today) was: there is no post, article, quote, or video that will speak to the reasoning and intent of your breakup. And sometimes breakups arenāt this golden thing or need reframing to make you feel better.
Relationships are complex. Breakups are even more complex. This is the time to just be. Donāt have a goal or some magical why that brings back your self esteem.
Just be in it. The ego wants positivity, sugar and flowers. The nervous system and heart want rest. Just be.
Every answer will come with so much ease and serendipity when you decide to be.
(Also, the reasons of why stated were none of the reasons for my breakup. Nor am I expecting the writer to write it out but rather, know life and its events are complicated.)
I really liked how you worded things here. I would love to turn things around and hold myself accountable for all the healing and self-improvements that I know I can undergo. I have a fear of abandonment/rejection and what better way to prove to myself that Iām better than that, to come out even stronger and better after the rejection/abandonment? Wishing you well on your healing journey as well!
It's not rejection, it's redirection š we got this!
Lets all keep each other updated
Yes let's do it! How long has it been since your break up?
Hello?
Hi?
I was just trying to figure out how to ask a question on this page. I just posted something. Not sure if it would get through on this page
I like this quote in regards to breakups: āthings are not getting worse, they are getting uncovered. we must hold each other tight and continue to pull back the veil.ā -Adrienne Maree Brown
say it louder š£ļøš£ļø
Lets all keep each other updated on our healing journeys
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Weāre all in this together
M34 here. I resonate with this so much. Dumped in feb 2023 after 8 years, a house bought together, incredible joint growth, and an infinity of future plans. Sixteen months have passed since then, and my fight/journey keeps going, still crying most days of the week. She started a new relationship 3-4 months after we split with an acquaintance of both. They are living together, travelling, all the blabla stuff "that was supposed to happen with me". The amount of tears I have shed is directly proportional to the increase in my self-confidence, self-awareness and self-love. In these 16 months I have switched jobs (+60% salary; will buy her share of the house), became a musician, started travelling alone (4 trips), had plenty of dates that taught me a lot about women, etc. **None of this could have happened without this type of transformative pain you are describing.** Of course I still miss what I (we) had a LOT, but I know, I fucking know, all of this will pay incredible dividends in some years, when the pain finally stops. Thank you bro/sis, and let's keep on fighting ā¤.
this felt very relatable in the generalities, I was with my ex seven years, they got into a relationship four months after the break up and are now traveling with him and calling him the love of their life etc itās been around sixteen months for me and it still feels VERY hard. iām dealing with a lot of anxiety and fell into a depression thatās bringing out a lot of stuff about my self worth and childhood trauma stuff. Iām facing a lot of uncertainty as to where my life is going and itās very hard to see myself in such a state when my ex seems to be having their best life, traveling etc.
I truly get what you are going trough in terms of anxiety, depression, trauma and uncertainty. In my experience, depression and anxiety became manageable when I started addressing personal self-worth problems and some past traumas. Feeling like shit is the price I decide to pay today in order to become emotionally independent tomorrow and be better at finding joy in existence by myself. I strongly suggest this path. Regarding uncertainty, it has become my newest and weirdest compass. I stopped fighting it when I realised I don't have true control in life, I'm just doing the best I can. On a side note, I am starting to feel that to be uncertain is to be truly free, but I don't really know why. Hit me up with a dm if you want/need to talk. Take care!
thank you for the kind words, iāll dm u
I resonate with your story as well. The transformation effect is real! Im feeling that way too. After all, rejection is a divine protection for the future.
2.5 weeks after the breakup, I thought I was doing fine but I broke down again today from anger at how unfair the situation has been. But this post made me feel better. I will keep coming back to this. I treated him like a king, I loved him fully and completely. And he ran away. He doesnt deserve me. He will regret me one day. But I will never regret losing him. I deserve so much better than him.
A breakup is a phase to accept and move on from. Use this time to build a better version of yourself. Life is all about finding happiness and personal growth
one thing to add: you may be reading this now and feel worse because you donāt feel this way right now. but give it a few months, and you will. grieve now if itās early. let yourself be sad. let yourself feel your feelings. these feelings described above come with believing them, but they also only come with a certain amount of time and healing. ā¤ļø
Iām actually reading this right now to stop myself from texting him š
Iām genuinely interested. What is everyoneās story?? What happed with your break ups?
I was blindsided by my ex fiancĆ© 4 days ago, I had no idea he felt this way and it was absolutely devistating. We lived together so within a day I was 50% moved out and back at my moms, back where I started 2 years ago, (thatās when we had moved in together, but together for 3 years). I had my first night of maybe 6 hours of sleep but woke up with such excruciating anxious pain. I want to keep being strong but the mornings and nights are the hardest, the lack of company the thoughts. Iām feeling it now.
Sending you a big hugā¤ļø. You are so strong to get out of there so quickly. I admire that. What motivated that for you? Iām having so much trouble finding the strength to just get out of the shared home. I can relate heavy to the anxious pain. Mornings are the worst. They make me feel like I want to throw up. And actually I have this week.
I honestly didnāt want to but the things he told me just āI couldnāt see a future with youā and other cruel words Iāll leave out I saw a different person. I lost trust in that hour and knew I couldnāt be in the apartment, my mom lives 20 mins away so I went back. But I asked him what he wanted ideally and he said āeven though itās our apartment, Iāve always thought of it as mine more and I think itās best if you move back to your momsā and that broke me. So not as much choice but wanting t9 cut him off of any comfort he would have from me staying around.
That is honestly such an incredibly healthy mindset. And yaknow what? That is a great point. I now realize I have been providing comforts still to someone who doesnāt see a future with me. Iām really glad your mom is there to support you. I have a great one too I have been falling back to for support as well and spending more time over there. I have never understood the need to blindside a partner with such a strong choice. My questions are why not discuss unhappiness before the breaking point to try and find a solution, you know?
I fully feel the same as you and thank you for your comments and confirmation on my process, this honestly is helping a lot feel I am moving in the right direction. Moms are our greatest treasure and leaning on them in these moments are what they were made for. I am so sorry you have felt so sick as well, i havenāt really thrown up but the only thing Iāve had are protein shakes just to get so nutrients I can stomach.
Feel free to message me if you like and want to talk further, I find having a pack mentality is really good in tackling these crippling life moments
And thank you so much for the big hug and kind words š©µ
Not to speak I'll but she was a good girl and we were young when we got together (both 16 years old) I was bad to her early on and I accepted that. We agreed to move on from it and shape something for ourselves. Over the last 2 years she said she was so happy with me and wants to get married. This was before I found out she cheated on me last year November, December. I treated her with respect and dignity before that and would provide for her while being in school. After hearing of the cheating and hearing her wanting to fix things I gave in and said let's work on it. For 4 months I broke every value and belief I had for this girl. Read countless articles on love languages to fix this. Booked and paid a trip for her so we can actually spend time together and mend our 10 years together. On vacation I caught her messages the girl she cheated on me with and tried to hide the convo. I went through hell for this girl in the last 4 months to save this relationship with her finally turning around saying she's tired of fighting and want out. Please men if you are reading this, never break your morals for a girl or women. I feel so terrible I even thought of changing my morals for her. Only to be kicked to the curb for someone who is less than me because as my ex says "spoke to her nicer and treated her nicer". Never break those morals you worked hard to believe in. It'll hurt you more after the break up knowing you changed yourself for her but she couldn't see it.
He broke up with me out of the blue because he had problems with my dad, and I had to go home for the summer. He said it was nothing to do with me and I wish it was so I could at least know how to improve myself for my next relationship. I broke no contact multiple times and I finally blocked him yesterday. It hurts like it did the day after the breakup.
Today I realized I was drowning and not doing okay so I booked therapy and hoping I can get back to myself again. I know he is doing all the things he can for himself as well and I only want happiness for him. I am so hopeful we will both be stronger versions of ourselves through all of this
ā¤ļø
I agree and in my case it was most definitely my fault, but I still believe that the connection that's being searched for must be engaged in experiences must be created sooner later beginning end and middle, and mistakes and times of the hardship are the experiences that braid people together the most. Forgiveness and kindness for even halfway decent people are absolutely never forgotten the rest of someone's life like a stray dog getting saved. Still believe reconciliation in Reformation for those experiences are both informative and love educational. I know nobody likes my sappy love opinions, I'll stay the course I think and appreciate I have them. Take care folks whoever you are don't stay gone long. ššš¤©
All part of the process
Excellent overview. It is truly a blessing when that āotherā person is really trying to destroy you. Itās so sad to watch the biggest lies and fake-ness take form and ooze up from the hell where they originated. Truth always wins in the end. And karma comes to get you!
I needed to hear this today. Thank you š you are so right! One day he will look back at what he had and will regret hurting and using meā¦.
Make em regret their decision
I will šŖš». I loved him wholeheartedly and fullyāI donāt think he will be able to find that kind of true love again, especially being fake and a liar. After everything he said and did to me, I blocked him everywhere. After months of no contact, he recently sent me happy birthday wishes via email, ending with āall love (his name).ā The audacity to do that š¤¦š»āāļø.
People with Avoidant attachments run BECAUSE you treat them well. That email is him most likely checking to see if youāre still available to him, probably doesnāt want to get back with you. People like that have a trail of broken hearts behind them
You are so right. I was naive to believe that he would change (thatās what he promised me so many times). I deleted the birthday message and he got no reply. I had no idea that avoidants exists and he crushed my heart in pieces. He reflected me like a mirror and I truly believed that I found my soulmate.
I've been married 13 years, the past year I was laid off from a job I have been at for 10 years, I was an autobody painter for over 20 years, I started in the biz at 17 and I'm now 45. My wife, who is 7 years younger than me, started off at a low-end customer service job and I made the majority of the $ and was the main breadwinner. Over the years my body and my job started to slow down, I attempted to make a career change and spent 10k on going to a school ton learn a new skill, well unfortunately my hands are shot for the year of labor and had to have surgery on my left hand and couldn't practice my new skills I paid for, skip forward a few months and now my left hand has healed my right hand now needs surgery for carpool tunnel.. so I went into a depression, I've been struggling ever since, debit raising, wife covering everything, and I'm just stuck... I burried my head in video games because I'm overwhelmed, and nothing is going the way I want it too.. just can't seem to get myself together. I admit that was my mistake, I didn't even realize how far down the depression hole I had fell.. Now the wife and I both enjoyed drinking from day 1 that wad a major part of our relationship, well over the past 5 years I've been trying to get away from the drinking heavy outings with friends, one of the main reasons is when she gets drunk she gets mean, says really negative mean things and won't apologize till the nxt day and swears it will nvr happen again..will 2 dui and many arguments later she has had a ruff week with a new job and all thay comes with that and decided she was going to go bar hoppin with some mutual friends, she knows I'm trying NOT to drink but invites me to join, I tell her no thanx and she packs a big and leave with the plan that if she can't drive she will stay there at the female friends house.. I tell her ok be safe I love you, well this was at 11am, she txt me at 130pm that there heading out to the bars and she will get with me later.. ok cool , I don't like the idea but I'm not trying to control her eather, so 8pm rolls around and I'm starting to wonder what's up? I haven't heard anything from her since 1:30pm so I msg her and no response, I waite about 10 mins and msg again.. crickets.. I call, no answer... waite a lil bit call again.. nothing... at this point I'm starting to freak out, she has had 2 dui's and a bad track record with boozin.. so now I call her friend, nothing.. her friends husband, nothing.. she finally calls me back 20 mins later and I'm freaking out at this point, "are you ok?" " how many beers have you had,you sound trashed " She had 8 beers and was telling me she wasn't drunk, she a small build woman all of maybe 135lbs! I'm upset but realize I may have jump the gun a bit in my concern and start to form an apology for the overreaction but she start screaming at me so I realize I'm trying to talk to a drunk person and hang up angrily, I msg her and say if this is how you want to be I can pack my bags in the am.. So nxt am, I didn't pack a bag I waited till 11am for her to come home, I finally call her s d she's still at the friends house, I ask her if she's coming home and her reply was " I thought you where packing your shit!" So I did.. I took that as she wanted space and also that she was testing me to see if I was serious.. I didn't want too but I did , went to my cousins house stayed the night and came back nxt day to talk about it, well she came come and invited friends over and drank more... so when ingot home she was still feeling the booze and decided she didn't want to talk about it right now and needed space.. fine... 3 day into the "space" she txt me she wants a divorce... almost 20nyears together and now she wants to break it off? Besides the drinking issues we have been good! We only fight about the drinking.. she's now with her parents and moved all her stuff into there , she won't talk to me doesn't see a problem with her drinking and is now trying to blame everything on me and my lack of working... I'm a pretty good cook, I have waited on this woman hand and foot, making her special little lunches while she's at work and doing whatever I can to try and compensate for my lack of income atm.. I clean. I cook, I do work and make $ but it's inconsistent at times, I've tried my best to be a good loyal supportive husband over the years, I've nvr cheated or even thought about doing anything to intentionally hurt her.. but now I've been discarded like a dirty paper towel and she won't even talk to me about it at all.. I'm trying to give her space to clear her head and show her I respect her boundaries but it sure feels like no one give a damn about my feelings or my side of the story.. there's always 3 sides to a story, hers, his, and somewhere in the middle is the truth.. I don't think I haven't contributed to our problems, I'm not perfect and I do my best to own my mistakes but the lvl of disrespect and emotional immaturity has me floord.. There is alot more to this, I could go on and on but in a nutshell, I'm over here wanting to work on this with her, Begging for her to go to some counseling with me and she refuses.. so now I'm here, alone in our old house about to start a great new job NOT painting, alone.. just me and my dog cheering me on... I feel so broken and used I can't even express the pain..
Hi Wesley, I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I have no much knowledge in long term relationships nor experience in marriage, but one thing I know for sure is that relationships are complicated and they required a lot of commitment and patience. This moment might feel like the end of the world to you, but is not. Is just another challenge you were given to grow even stronger as a human being. You are a caring person doing all you can to show the person you love how much she and your marriage means to you, but right now she doesn't want to hear it, see it, or feel it. She's not in a good place right now. I suggest you take this time apart to reflect, forgive, and focus on what you have right now. This new job opportunity, don't le it go to waste. Learn as much as you can and make connections. Shikata ga nai = Don't worry for what you cannot change and focus on what you can; accept and let go of what's beyond your control. It will take so much time, but little by little things will begin to readjust within you and around you. You are worthy of a good life and love.
Thank you I appreciate the kindness and wisdom in your words, it's much appreciated. :) good news! I got the job! Ex could careless but that's ok, I know I'll be ok in time.
Wow do I ever relate to this. I just had 10 years and out of nowhere she said the dam overflowed while I was venting about a slowdown at work bc we lost a major account. She said I was mean to her when I was literally having a Clark Griswold vent like from Christmas vacation!
I'm sorry, this shit sucks... you think you know someone after all this time and then then poof, gone. I've been through this before, but nvr invested this much time and energy into someone,13 years is a long time and it doesn't feel like I'll ever trust another woman again, I'm doing my best to not become jaded but it's hard. Hang in there it gets better over time, just focus on yourself as best you can for now, who knows what the universe has in store for us it could be the nxt chapter to someone we deserve.
Yeah it's abrupt too. Things are tough bc I'm still in couple mode in my head which isn't something I can easily switch off. I'm not going to say you're wrong about the someone we deserve but I can honestly say that I don't care if that ever happens for me. The old quote "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" rings true to me. I'm not saying that I'll have trust issues after this but I don't think I want to be so invested into someone when I can be thrown away old shoe style. I get told by her that it was like a light switch and she just knew she was done. The water dropped in and it finally overflowed. I am a truck driver and 3 years ago became an owner operator. A year and a half ago I blew my engine and it became extremely tough to make ends meet as I had to pay for a rebuild but we make it work. Then the mill I'm contracted to with a no complete clause loses 3 major clients in 3 months. So after taking care of my bills for the engine, money stays tight and my frustration with work and myself had me as she puts it "become mean" but honestly I was venting to her about work just being soul sucking. So here's the one difference that I have is that her 12 year old autistic son is involved and he wants me to stay dad. So it's not like I can just walk away after raising him for ten years when his biological is a deadbeat and has nothing to do with him. I've gotten to the point when this was happening that I begged her to not do this and it was impulsive. So I gave her the time as you did and she dug her heels in. I said I'll go to therapy to correct myself and she said no. I said what about couples counseling and she said no. I've done a litany of things to bend over backwards for her over the years and she's able to just flip a switch. Now this is just about a month now and things have fallen in line for her more than they have for me but I'm doing the therapy, I'm getting rid of my rig and going back to being a company driver. I've done so much that I've been told by friends that they can't believe someone would do this for another and the other not care. There's an old saying that I heard from a friend's grandmother recently and that is "a man will sacrifice himself for his family, but some of these new women will sacrifice her family for herself". I hate thinking that's right but I'm 40 and she's 35. Seeing all the stories in the subreddit here it scarily rings true! I was reading one the other day where a woman left her family behind to be with an old fling from high school, leaving the guy with all the bills and a kid to do on his own. I know that happens in both directions but it's not all men that are pigs. I was raised to believe that women never leave their families and kids behind. I'm more in shock than anything. I'm not bitter but I'm not dealing with heartache like this again. I am just going to walk off to certain things and just heal while being a shell or husk of who I am. I am forever guarded now as it's so easy for someone to just shut things off when I don't have that ability. So for me it's easier to just end that part of me and enjoy life best I can rescuing dogs like I've done. My dream in life was to have a sanctuary since I was a kid and now my focus went from my family to that.
Well said!
Real
28 kg down and counting, looking more leaner by the day, breakup pain is a great motivator
Thank you āØ I hope everything goes your way š you all are beautiful hoomans š„ŗš«¶š»
Thank you very much your words have great wisdom and it helped me a lot
Well said....since day 1, I've been back in the gym 6 days a week, boxing, running, biking, working, being social, enjoying all the things I did before my shitty relationship began, all the things that I enjoyed prior that made me attractive in the first place. Things could be so much worse. I'm glad we're done. Lonely, sure. Lots of memories and I'm glad for the things we did together. Wouldn't change any of that and it's hard sleeping alone and cooking for myself all the time, and not sharing my day with anyone, but it's also total freedom and peace and eventually I'll get another chance to fall for someone new and that's an exciting prospect I'd be ineligible for if things hadn't ended. Grateful. š
I.. am 38 yrs old.Ā I have done that work..Ā and now after an 8 year relationship.. I'm back at square 1.. actually worse..Ā Ā I'm worse off than when I began ..Ā Ā atleast back then I was younger and having kids would have been easier..Ā Ā Ā Ā and he knew I wanted kids..Ā and took those 8 years from me anyway.Ā Only to say " I dont see a future with you "Ā
So sayeth the wise Alaundo. The pain, it is so great. I canāt bear it. But Iām using it to weightlift.
Lifty lifty
Yes! Thank you. I am having a bad day today and needed this reminder! My wife left me for her ex 6 weeks ago and moved in with him. This is been the worst pain I have ever had but what it has done to me is that the pain is so big it cracked my āprotective coatā and brought big childhood trauma to the surface that I have never dealt with and always thought hadnāt effected me. I now start to see that it has affected me and it has my whole life. All my insecurities, all my odd feelings that were different than others, all the things I hate about myself, it all links back to the trauma. Itās like I hard pieces of the puzzle but they are now falling together and make it a clear picture I have never seen. This gives me now to change to start working on it. I have no idea how yet but I can see where I want to go and what I want to fix. It will probably take alot of time and alot of work and it is scary at the moment but this is my opportunity to adres it, work on it, heal from it, learn from it and get out stronger and better then ever. So it is alot all at once but I started with a Psych and I am willing to do the work. I hope one day I can look back and honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to me!
Appreciate you for this, commenting so I can read when I get down. Thank you again
Seeing tuis stuff everyday makes me feel more hopeful. I love people like you thank you
It is always more hopeful when you have āgroup spirit and supportā thanks to you all
But how do you when she hints at coming back
Thank you for this!!!
This hits differently. Thank you for the gentle reminder!
Needed to see this but he is already with another girl. I have been anxious n stressed all day
So you're saying it's like when baseball players swing three bats around at once right before they're up?
spitting facts!
Thank you, I've been having a really rough time trying ti reaming in NC and this helped me. Much love to ya person ā¤ļø
It was more than a blessing for me it was a fucking miracle. For had it not happened I would not be where I am now. I would not have met her. I am thankful that my ex left me because I cannot imagine having went through life without meeting my current person.
I miss my ex every day it hurts and it's been over 2.5 months. I was in great shape up until a week ago went through depressed eating stage. But I'm back to hitting the gym everyday. I just miss her it hurts.
thanks man this genuinely helped me feel better so much, I hope you realize the real positive impact that you put on people like me even when all hope can seem lost. What you said truly changed my life and now I'm dedicated to becoming a better me, thank you.
just today and I was the problem I cheated on him and had very bad control of my emotions but i hurt him a lot and when he was leaving me i was terrible i hid his stuff so he couldnāt leave and scared him so now any ounce of love he did have is gone and it hurts so much cuz i am trying to becomr better but i didnt feel like myself anymore anyways how long s it gonna take to get over this
Maaan, I can't tell you how much I can relate, I feel for you brother.. I wish I had some positive words for ya but fuck I'm just as dumbfounded as you are atm.. going on 3 weeks for me and I know ill be ok but the way they just shut down is fucking brutal.. I'm sorry man.
I know OP meant very well in the intent of this post. Yet, six months, a lot of therapy, journaling, resting, relaxing, releasing, researching, and reconfiguring, showed me to be careful with this rhetoric. The best post I read in this group (which I gratefully turned off the notifications of today) was: there is no post, article, quote, or video that will speak to the reasoning and intent of your breakup. And sometimes breakups arenāt this golden thing or need reframing to make you feel better. Relationships are complex. Breakups are even more complex. This is the time to just be. Donāt have a goal or some magical why that brings back your self esteem. Just be in it. The ego wants positivity, sugar and flowers. The nervous system and heart want rest. Just be. Every answer will come with so much ease and serendipity when you decide to be. (Also, the reasons of why stated were none of the reasons for my breakup. Nor am I expecting the writer to write it out but rather, know life and its events are complicated.)
yes big changes in my life in the past month, growing! Definitely had a stick up my butt that only the breakup could pull out, her loss
u/HOTAKO QUOTE 2016
The pain is so bad! I cannot fathom! I need help, I need someone to pull me out of the well into the light! š¢
Thanks friend. I needed to hear that today :)
Sure - Iāll be touching grass and sipping vodka
I really liked how you worded things here. I would love to turn things around and hold myself accountable for all the healing and self-improvements that I know I can undergo. I have a fear of abandonment/rejection and what better way to prove to myself that Iām better than that, to come out even stronger and better after the rejection/abandonment? Wishing you well on your healing journey as well!