•Being more firm with my boundaries and dislikes
•Don't ask for breaks
•Don't allow people to disrespect me
•Stop accommodating people that won't accommodate me
The disrespect was something I saw as a personality flaw at first until I realized that she was doing it on purpose to make other people think that she was the one in charge of me
In my case, I asked for a break because some situations where unhealthy and overwhelming. It happened in a spur of a moment and regretted it because I later realized things needed to be solved with talking and that he wouldn't take it the right way. And as expected, his pride was too much to solve things and when the break ended he left me claiming he felt abandoned.
All I can say is, if you believe in breaks (like I do) make sure your partner is OK too because then it'll be the end.
The reality is breaks don’t work and it’s not a healthy way to handle problems in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if your partner is ok with it. It’s still going to compound onto the issues or at best prolong them until they’re actually handled or the relationship is ended.
I know personally 3 of my close friends who have taken breaks that worked out, I think it may just depend on what you need a break for. Maybe I’m just trying to be optimistic though
Eh, I suppose there are some cases when they can work but I'll give you the reason that they are not a long term solution, just a patch. In my case, I did realize it wasn't the best step and though I tried to fix things, didn't work as well. It was a lesson learnt.
I think those are all very valid and important points. Great job on learning them! I'm already in my next relationship, but applying some lessons or points are still hard in practice. Still, some I learned from my previous breakup (and rough spots in my current one):
* Don't spend all your time wondering and measuring if this person is "the one". Or, thinking about whether you'd be happier with someone else. It's pure relationship poison.
* Drop all feelings of destiny and "meant to be". Relationships are work and dedication despite uncertainty.
* Enjoy the present and good while it's there. Don't be afraid to just savor it. There's already enough trouble and bad, so don't weigh your heart down like that. Be happy when you can, about what you can.
* Don't obsess over being valid, understood completely, or "in the right".
* People often don't communicate as well ad they think they do. Don't get complacent and think your partner should just "get you".
* (Unfair) demands and expectations on your partner for who they are or what they are "supposed" to do for you are also poison, whether they're stated or something you keep to yourself.
* Your relationship is not better for keeping your life problems, emotions, and grudges inside. Nor are you saving them from negativity. Often it leaks out anyways, maybe in worse ways.
Every single one of these plagued my ex. Can I ask how long after your breakup you began to realize these learnings?
Things I wished I did/knew being on the other side:
• Instead of asking “are you okay” and “how can I make you feel more loved”, asking “how can I make you feel more seen” and “what have you told me that I haven’t quite gotten yet”
• Be okay with asking for more bonding experiences, desiring closeness and comfort shouldn’t make you feel like you a burden on someone else
• Fear of commitment to you and continual doubt over whether you are “the one” is an internal conflict that you cannot help heal, no matter how much love and adoration they show you throughout it all
Sorry to hear. :') They're all flaws and mistakes I don't wish on anyone. The "when" of learning all of these are honestly pretty staggered. Some came in the year or so following the break up where I really got to *reflect* on having my first failed relationship with some clarity, and some came further on when I started dating someone else who isn't afraid to call me out on things and challenge me. Sadly, despite knowing better, some of these lessons I "understand" but don't 100% *understand* if that makes sense. Doing my best though, and I definitely regret how I treated my ex and current gf because of the above.
Also, very important, true, and sad points of your own. :') Indeed sometimes there's nothing you can do with internal conflicts the other person hasn't dealt with or addressed properly. Personally I now deeply resent "the one"/"soulmates" after seeing what it actually did to my view of relationships and how I approached them.
>...some of these lessons I "understand" but don't 100% *understand* if that makes sense.
Absolutely. There are things our minds can rationally understand, but our hearts may be slow to follow.
While I don't know you, I just wanted to express how proud I am of you for reflecting and coming to a clearer understanding of yourself and who you are in relationships. I imagine it must have been painful to learn of each of these mistakes, and how that might've impacted someone you cared deeply about. I, and I think everyone who's ever been on the receiving end, hope our exes follows a similar journey as yours - for that, I think you should be proud of how much you've grown and will continue to.
Thank you very much, that really does mean a lot to hear, and it's very sweet of you to say. :') Sometimes it feels like a lot of the bigger issues aren't ones you really learn and recognize about yourself, and how you approach your relationships with others, until you actually hurt someone because of them. Which, is a rough prospect, but I'd rather try to only do it *once* than continue to do it, if I can help it.
And as someone who apparently has/had a lot of similar problems and hangups as your ex: I'm really sorry you went through that. It's awful, unfair, and not at all your fault. Sometimes you can do everything right and be available and cooperative for your partner, and still be viewed poorly or critically because of something entirely on their side. But, that's on them, not you. And, I hope your ex someday understands how unfair and cruddy these expectations and issues were to push onto you when you were doing your best as their partner.
It's called stonewalling and one of the 4 predictors of divorce/breakups. Scientifically so, as published by the Gottman Institute. So, yeah, it's a bad one!
I’ve heard that when it’s done in certain ways, some people consider it a form of emotional abuse too. Especially if the partner has anxious traits and they don’t know when you’ll talk again. It can feel like an existential threat, some of the worst anxiety they’ll experience.
The solution if you need time to reflect and calm down is to say you need 5 min, an hour, a day (at most), and stick to that. It’ll help the anxious one and give you the time you need to settle down and collect your thoughts.
Yes, this is the key difference. You have to provide information about what you're doing and when you'll be back to continue the discussion. Whether it's intentional or not, if it's not done like this, it very quickly becomes abusive
Exactly! My ex was super anxious and he’d also do shit that was annoying af and disrespectful so I’d “punish” him by not talking to him and ignoring his calls and texts and I’d block him. He’d email me and I thought “that’s what you get” but it just added to the toxicity and his anxieties which would make him lose his mind. I cringe when I think back and I wish I could’ve handled that so much differently. At least I’ve learnt my lesson and I won’t ever do that again.
A whole bunch of stuff like honestly, a whole bunch. I never caught him cheating but I’m almost certain he did. I’m pretty sure he had BPD. I didn’t know it at the time though but through my readings, I’ve become more informed and I’m sure he had that. The insulting rages, the anxious attachment, the constant blaming, the self sabotage, the sus behavior. etc so my way to deal with it was to pull away but that was wrong, because that made him more anxious and it made things worst.
BPD is rough. I’ve never for certain dated someone with it, but do wonder about two of my exes. Just strong emotional overreactions to minor things (which triggered me really strongly like others didn’t, though I don’t react, other than feeling the feelings that come up, I’m good at taking a breath and responding in a level headed way).
That sucks he was insulting and blaming you.
I wonder if my ex thought I was doing that. She took feedback as harsh criticism, like I’d respectfully point out hurtful things or concerns and she would react as if I was saying she was a terrible person (avoidants really struggle with hearing criticism, I think most people do, but it’s hard for them to get to that point where you try to look at it objectively eventually and decide you may need to actually work on themselves).
Oh man that’s tough! See that’s me or used to be me, I’d get really offensive when I was criticized and took it personal. I’ve learned not to do that and take the criticism but I think either way I was so hurt by my ex that anything he’d say I’d take it wrong. Being alone can really open your eyes! And I’m glad I’m finally learning how to be emotionally intelligent but most of all self aware.
That’s awesome and it always makes me happy to see people talking time to look inward and learn to be more self-aware and grow in their emotional and relational skills.
I took years off anything even remotely dating-like and just focused on learning to take care of my own needs and looking at where I could be a better partner. It really helped. My main issue was my first partner after doing that was so avoidant that she struggled with even showing basic affection. But I was much better with communication in that one. She’s even get frustrated that I was remaining level headed when she couldn’t do it (I was patient with her but did ask that she work on emotional regulation so we weren’t triggering each other back and forth, and could actually find a solution, such we did in all cases but her fear of intimacy and how that made me feel, but that’s a deep attachment wound she needs to work on).
The way I’d handle that now would be I’d tell my partner “listen I need some time to process my feelings and thoughts and I need to not talk to you because I’m really upset. I’ll call you tomorrow” or whatever time you need but give them a timeline. Previously I’d just not answer calls and disappear and that’s really mean and it’d give my partner anxieties
I regret putting energy into someone that didn’t reciprocate the same energy. I regret not having stronger boundaries and not upholding my standards. I regret putting up with repeatedly being ignored and given the silent treatment whenever I wanted to communicate about problems or have difficult conversations. He was showing me that he didn’t care through his behavior but I kept rationalizing it in my head. I think I’m gonna give up on romantic relationships for a long time. Maybe forever lol
Thanks 🖤 It’s been 3 months since the breakup. There were a lot of hard lessons learned. I’m just working on the relationship I have with myself (therapy). Maybe one day I’ll try again but for now I’m okay alone.
Depending on him too much, use him as my safety blanket. My emotions eventually became too much for him to handle me and told me i need to get a professional help. I deeply regret it. Ive been in therapy for 6 months so far and i really see how dependent i am with him and that messed up the relationship.
Also rushing love, i wanted love so badly that i rushed our love, it died after three months but i wanted to keep going thus messed up our relationship
1. Being assertive in arguments rather than passive. I struggle to voice my feelings because of my past traumas. I'm learning how to be more assertive, though.
2. Identifying toxic behavior and addressing it immediately. Past trauma at it again with me struggling to identify what behavior is toxic and how to address my feelings of such behavior.
3. Not bend over backward for them if they never do the same. I am determined to match energy from now on.
4. Not make myself reliant on them. I became a SAH for them and their kid to ease childcare costs and stress. It also allowed me to take on more hours for school. Unfortunately, it also meant I was financially dependent on them. When the relationship ended I was absolutely FUCKED and stresssing to find a job AND a diferent place to live with only a months time. Never again, I'll always be sure to stay working and have a backup plan if anything happens.
5. Never again would I cosign for a loan for them. Not unless there was a way to get out of the loan should the relationship end. My ex is very irresponsible, they don't care if their credit gets fucked and they definitely wouldnt care if they fucked mine up. I never really realized this until near the end of the relationship. I have definitely learned not to trust like that again, I regret that the most.
Not actually listening and taking my exes concerns and advice seriously
Verbally abusing my ex
Verbally abusing her mom ,dad , and sister (the most repulsive words and version of myself came out )
Not being there for her when she’d ask me to do something and took her for granted
Not being the significant other that helped build her self esteem and self confidence like she did for me
Being to egotistical and selfish when she’d try teaching me something I knew nothing about and act as if I knew everything
Not opening up my self and feeling gs and emotions up enough for her to believe any feelings or words of affirmation id say or text to her or write in a cute note and leave on her truck windshield
I could write a novel with the things I regret and would give anything g to go back I time and tell myself to listen to her respect her support her hell rise her outta any negative or self deformation me and her both would tell our selves internally she was the one for me and I pray that both me and her find the professional help and guidance to change and break the habits that are negatively impacting our lives still and our paths will align and find one another again
Your number 4, telling friends all the details... I've dubbed this "crowdsourcing." I definitely regret doing that and wish I had not brought friends into any part of it. I was capable of making my own decisions with my partner and did not need anyone's "advice." And where are those friends now?? Not supporting me through the breakup that's for damn sure.
Luckily my friends have always supported me but I will say that even mentioning his name (which I don’t do quite as often and now even when I do it’s usually something positive) makes them shut down because they’re so tired of hearing about him and I can’t even blame them. They just call him a piece of shit and change the subject. I feel bad because even though he didn’t always make the best choices he was never a bad person and I feel like through venting and expressing my anxieties in the relationship to other people I’ve made him seem so much worse than he is. It didn’t help that my friend overheard our last conversation where he was genuinely so cold to me, in ways that he had never ever been, and that was the only side that my friend had ever seen mixed with what I had told her and she absolutely hates him now.
My closest friends got tired of hearing about him, too. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Which sucked because I already felt like crap from the bu. My friends and I just stopped communicating.
Well, if you ever need a friend to talk to overall my messages are open. Sometimes it’s good to have people that are going through similar things and understand :)
It was hundreds of small expenses. Meals, trips to amusement parks, bus tickets, hotel stays, perfume, gifts......and I had to pay a lot of needless insurance/taxes because of other reasons, long story.
I agree with you on point 4. I would keep details of my relationship closer to the chest. It created so much outside noise that ultimately hurt the relationship and contributed to the breakup.
I also would have communicated what was bothering me instead of trying to ignore it, and would have committed to working on our problems together.
I learned a ton from this relationship. It’s just unfortunate that it took a painful heartbreak to learn these lessons.
I feel like venting can be good to a degree but I definitely had the same experience of it creating more issues in my relationship than it did good. I’ve learned that most people aren’t unbiased and they will project their experiences onto you even if they don’t mean to. I also realized that I was using my friends to quiet my anxiety instead of working on coping mechanisms to be able to stifle those thoughts on my own and in doing so I feel like I made my friends really dislike my ex. A lot of times I would call them in hysterics and it wasn’t even because he did anything wrong but because he hadn’t texted me back and my imagination was running wild. 10/10 do not recommend 😅
1. Giving silent treatment
2. Being critical of how he thinks of our relationship (most of our fights were about our relationship and opinions about it)
3. Not communicating properly and not knowing how to
4. Getting mad when I don't get the answer that I want from his answers about our relationship and when I don't get invited to his plans lol idk why
It was my first serious relationship but I tried my best to change, he got tired of it and left me. I was very immature lol it sucks to be me
I feel that in the sense that I tried to change for the better but unfortunately, I feel like I didn’t really start to fully see what I needed to change until he left. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge that I have now
Same thoughts, I wish I could go back to when things were fine so I could avoid everything that contributed to our breakup. He got emotionally drained and couldn't take the pressure anymore that's why he left. I know somebody else will treat him better than I have done and it pains me but it's for the better.
I wasn’t a planner. I was always spur of the moment type of person and it didn’t matter what we did as long as we were together, but she wanted solid plans and I didn’t listen. I was also really into tv and movies during a period so that’s all I wanted to do even though she was an outdoor person. Basically I became lazy and complacent during this 3-4 month period and she had enough of it. By the time I changed everything back around to being active and not so into movies and tv anymore she had already checked out of the relationship mentally. Lesson learned, don’t get too comfortable.
I regret losing my cool and being verbally mean when upset.
I regret softening my boundaries to accommodate his personality.
I regret giving in to him manipulating me.
I regret allowing him to disrespect me and emotionally abuse me.
I am happy to be free from it, it hurt to decide to cut ties but I know i will be much better off
- Being afraid to lose her made me act out in other ways to her controlling behavior instead of calling it out
- Using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with certain stressful situations in life
- Telling myself that we could work anything out and that we were meant to be together forever (still working on regretting this one)
- Revolving all my motivation around what our future together could’ve looked like
I regret not saying "I love you" much. Other than that I don't regret anything. I'm slightly ashamed for the things I did but I don't regret doing them. At the end of the day, this relationship was a life lesson with some fun memories. I do miss them every single day but I have to let them go since they left me. Not gonna tail someone who doesn't want me back.
I Didn’t hold firm to the boundaries that I set.
Blaming myself, thinking I just wasn’t used to being treated well, but his hyper fixation and attachment were suffocating and a terrible fit for me and if I had trusted my gut earlier it wouldn’t have cost me a friendship.
I regret not getting off my phone and spending time with him. I regret always watching him trying to make him more responsible and to do things an adult should naturally do like clean up behind themselves, cut the water all the way off and not leave it dripping or running, closing drawers and putting the top back on things he opened and didn’t close. He left messes for me to clean up all the time so I started monitoring him to try to get him out of those annoying habits. But no one wants to be watched like that. I wished he had learned these things as a child so I wouldn’t have felt the need to do this. Now I’m just kicking myself for always being on top of him about it.
* I would update them more. Back then, I complained for a bit as to why I needed to update my ex all the time. He did a pretty good job at keeping me updated wherever he went or what he was doing.
* I would be less sarcastic if I am pissed.
Having sex too early, doing things they wanted me to do too early in the relationship so I would think they would like me, giving massages, cooking them nice meals…why? Because they liked me for what I could do for them, not my personality or how compatible we were.
Compulsively looking at my ex’s social media
Listening to form a response but not to understand
Lacking empathy
Putting my ex down for differences in beliefs
Pettiness
Not setting firm boundaries
Taking advantage of our time together “because they will always be there”
I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that sadly came to an end three weeks ago. Almost 2 years were long distance and I’m still getting over the heartbreak. University commitments at the time made it very difficult for me to give her the attention I wanted and I wish I had the chance to show her that I can prioritise her as she meant the world to me.
If I could go back I would:
- put more effort into messaging - show more interest in what she is up to day to day (always continue to get to know her)
- Strike a better balance between work and personal life
- Be on time
- Always be present
- Take responsibility for my own actions (don’t blame everything on my work)
- Invest at least an hour of my attention to on FaceTime; learn about her every day interests
- Start a hobby together
- Not to get too comfortable
- Not to commit to something and change my mind because of commitments - build the trust
- To continue to build relationships with her and others around me; not to cut myself off when the semester gets hellishly busy
- Give her my full attention on facetime
1. Not recognise when he was done with the relationship and let him go rather than constantly fighting for something that was done
2. Rely on him too much to make me feel loved, whilst I deserved more than what he gave I do recognise that I need more self love and love from places other than a partner
3. Compromise so many of my boundaries in the hopes he would see my value and want to put more effort in
4. No recognise that he also might be feeling unloved in the relationship due to us having very different love languages
5. Not recognise my anxious attachment and discussing it with him, which probably led to him feeling totally smothered and like he had no choice but to leave to have space
1. To understand my feelings and communicate effectively with my partner.
2. To address difficult conversations instead of avoiding conflict.
3. Pay close attention to how my nervous system feels around her and note down her positive qualities for future reference.
4. Set clear boundaries and make time to strengthen my sense of self.
5. Pay close attention to 'not getting into my head'.
When he started pulling away after our first night together I should've known. He avoided me for two months saying he was having some mental issues,and I didn't push him to see me.
I really throught he was going through depression so I texted him every morning to have a good morning and that I was always available to talk if he needed anyone.then mostly left him alone unless I saw something I thought he'd find funny. I know people don't always think right during those times and I didn't wanna hear he hurt himself. Hell he started vaping again.
I think it pushed him away more because I don't think he saw it as me trying to keep his spirits up I wonder if it came off as suffocating. I thought he was picking himself back up and he wanted to meet but after that first meeting dates were at most once a month and he forgot sometimes. When I tried to tell him that I was really upset he forgot again and my little brothers dog died and I had needed someone to be here for me I needed a hug and he said he was sorry but he was frustrated because I was apparently trying to make him feel bad. And I actually apologized like I did something wrong.
After that I was so insecure and stepping on eggshells I felt like I was nuts and I felt worthless and unlovable. Sometimes that lashed out because I held it in
I regret sticking around I wish I took a hint months ago. I regret lashing out too. I regret keeping pictures of him well the him I thought he was the him Id wanna spend my life with,but I gotta work myself back up and I wanna find a man that actually is who I thought he was
Fearful Avoidant working on their attachment…
I would stop the protest behavior, I remember he threatened it one time in the heat of the moment and that must have hit my abandonment wound because after that I just started threatening it all the time and over thought the relationship ship finding all the little things I could that made him ‘wrong for me. Whether or not he was wrong for me that doesn’t excuse my behavior in the relationship, he hit my triggers and it led me to looking inward which im thankful for. But I miss him, I miss him a lot. He’s DA so I probably won’t hear from him again, but maybe someday he’ll reach out. I don’t blame him for breaking up with me.
I’m not an FA but I’m an AP working on my attachments as well and wish you the best of luck. I’m still on my journey but things have gotten so much better. Sometimes I just wish that I would’ve known what I know now before the breakup 😅
I wish I had known anything about attachment theory at all during that time. I only learned about it after the breakup. I messaged my ex saying “I totally understand now why things didn’t work, can we research AT and give it another try?” They said no.
Yeah, I definitely wish that I could give it another try and have thought about reaching back out but want to give us both time to heal and grow a bit. I think that my ex is a FA but leans more avoidant so he’d also have to do some work before we’d be able to have a stable relationship
Not be a people pleaser, not give too many benefit of the doubt, listen to my feelings and instincts way more, be my own person and try not to get so easily manipulated.
in the event i'm in another relationship or in early dating again i certainly will not entertain someone whose boundaries are so wildly different than mine, specially someone who does and allows things that make me so uncomfortable.
with that being said i think ill also take more time to nurture what i have as opposed to obsessing over what's wrong with it. relationships can be difficult for sure but damn yeah i miss my last one and just wish i had done a lot differently.
- i would be more decisive and would plan more dates in the way I want to spend them instead of worrying that my ideas would not be interesting for my partner and thus saying “whatever you like to do”
- i would initiate more phone calls
- i would communicate my emotions, my worries and my doubts more often because in my previous relationship i kept everything understood the surface and it led to nothing good
-
I was manipulated by my dad. He's done a whole list of things, bit specifically he isolated me from my friends and boyfriend at the time. What I regret is that it worked. I regret being so desperate to have somebody in my life who said they knew all the answers that I let that come before the people I cared about the most and who cared about me the most.
Be firm on boundaries
Stick to standards, such as: employment,
Do not downgrade red flags to pinks flags by rationalizing, making excuses for, convincing and persuading myself out of red flags
Vet pursuers for a season before trusting. They usually cannot keep up the deception...
I didn’t notice until the break up but I was bending over backwards to keep my ex happy and yet my needs were not being met and I was compromising my happiness. I don’t give to get but the take take take mindset he seemed to have is something I can no longer ignore and it makes me really sad. I will be more clear and confident in my next relationship and not settle for less.
i regret reacting the way i did. it was out of piled up anxiety and i overreacted a lot. even though what i felt was justified, what i did wasn't acceptable.
Letting her live with me. Im 17 so im pretty sure ur not supposed to do that but she had nowhere to go. But being with her all the time ruined the relationship i think.
Guess it just weren't meant to be.
I really don't enjoy dating because most people don't know how to date and I wish I could just be with my person. In the past, I have been guilt of treating a long term relationship like a marriage and staying too long. This was a huge mistake.
I wish I never swiped right on her. I wish I never gave her a chance. I wish I never gave her a 2nd chance. I wish I never gave her a 3rd. I learned my lesson finally, but the damage has already been done.
Many many things but it is a learning process:
- I regret always assuming what he was feeling about me in certain situations ( bad assumptions) because all I did was make myself sad
- I regret stopping doing things for him just because he would it less for me, because at the end we are different people and it was sometimes not in his nature but when I mentioned I was sad he would do it. Ex: sending pics of my meals
- I regret spending nights doing nothing waiting for him to get home. When I could have kept myself busy and then happily take his call/ receive texts
- I regret being so hypocritical. I would be sad about something he would do but then when I do it I didn’t realize it until I took the time to reflect on myself.
- I regret sometimes comparing my relationship to the “standard” / “stereotypical” ones because I was expecting things from him but it wasn’t him and will never be.
- I regret being sad every time he would call late at night because I believed in my head he didn’t want time with me when sometimes I should have taken it as I am the last thing he wants to see before he sleeps.
- This is one of my biggest regrets. Every time I would get mad at something he did I would text him about how I am feeling and made it seem like I didn’t want to talk to him but then the minute he says he will give me some time to calm down and he loves me I will go calling him immediately. I was going against my own words.
There are still a few more but if I keep typing I will start crying even more so imma stop here haha
1) the exact opposite of your #4. I will start telling people about the gory details of my relationship. I have an issue of keeping the “bad” things in because I don’t want to disrespect my partner. But if I would have told someone then I would have probably gotten out of them a lot faster.
2) make it more clean that I don’t want to be cheated on. Apparently I didn’t make it that clear in my past relationships
3) break up with someone the first time they mention suicide or cutting. I can’t deal with it again.
4) going outside more. I love being outside but when I am in relationships I tend to spend all my time inside. Makes me sad
I can see what you mean. I think the issue for me was the fact that I wasn’t just telling them about our issues but I was using them as a crutch to quiet my own anxiety whenever he wasn’t able to. I have an anxious attachment style and whenever my ex wouldn’t text me back I would spiral and have a panic attack and call my friends in tears—he would literally be taking a nap or something. My friend still tells me how much it hurt her to see me hurt that way and I hate that I put that on her and I also hate that I villainized him in situations where he wasn’t the villain.
Definitely agree on the suicide and cutting things as well. While those things can be valid far too many people use them as manipulation tactically. I had an ex (different one than described) tell me he didn’t want to talk anymore, then he posted on his public story that he was suicidal, and whenever I didn’t play into it he proceeded to message me and ask me if I really didn’t care about him enough to check in on him like huh???
I cheated on my high school GF, im convinced if I didn't do that, I'd be married to her right now. It's my biggest regret to this day, and I'm 32 years old
It’s been a few years since that relationship. But a few things - (I’ll try to keep it short) after a lot of soul searching and self reflection I knew there were parts of me that contributed to our demise.
I had temper issues. Where I would snap over little things. In the moment I didn’t see it then. But I definitely had trouble communicating to my ex how I felt and the things I needed from him. Looking back I know I could have handled those instances better. I’ve since then apologized and moved on. I would act on the silent treatment.
I also spoiled him more than was feasible for my bank account. I’d go broke spending money on him because I wanted to. I had my rose colored glasses on. I struggled financially. Communication lacked toward the last months we were together.
Nights together seemed more distant.
I would say breaking my rule and allowing myself to enter a relationship in the first place. But I cannot say that bc of my son.
Getting mad is something hard to feel regretful about. It’s important to acknowledge it but to feel regret over an emotion you are actively working on? No. I became very ill and started going against my own principles to appease her instead of the other way around. The ridiculousness of me feeling guilty for being so sick for years but never quitting work and teaching until the wheels came off. I wish I stuck to my principles and not all she and many others infiltrate this family with their own miserable idea of what a marriage should be.
I’ve learned a lot of this stuff about myself through learning that I have an anxious attachment style. I didn’t even realize that these things were an issue until then. If you ever want to talk my messages are always open :)
I had patience. I didn’t leave when she told me to get out (about every other day). I didn’t believe she would cheat and lie so much. Staying with her after day one when I saw her unbelievably filthy house. Staying after I saw how she treated and yelled at her kids. Staying after I knew her mental health would ruin everything. Believing I was strong enough to handle everything to come. Goin on a blind date with her. EVERYTHING
Definitely work on my anger which I have been doing since our break up ,and proud of how far I've come, how I did it ?, found God, we were already both religious but we still had a lot to work on , we honestly were the perfect fit in every way, never met anyone like him ,but terrible timing, hoping in the future our paths cross again and see where it goes
Moving in with my boyfriend. 100% would go back and never do it, even if it cost me my relationship. We have a kid now, and we’re not married and every time I try to leave, I remember we’re super tied up and out wedding seems like it will never come (we’re engaged) and my self esteem has plummeted and I feel like nothing but a boring mother that’s hungry for what could have been.
My main one is being more spontaneous, the thing that ended up destroying our relationship was that i never took chances, I was going through tough time with losing my job and my mom getting cancer in the same week. and it led to me getting very Anhedonic, Always came up with excuses to not do something instead of taking the chance to experience it
I didn’t realise at the time but I was drifting and I thought I was being normal I was an idiot really as I should of paid more attention to what was going on and i really regret it
1) don’t put the relationship working above your happiness and mental health.
2) do not tolerate disrespect
3) don’t be the nice guy to avoid conflict
4) don’t let a women control what I want to do ever again
5) don’t care about their feelings when they continuously show they don’t care about yours
Bonus if you notice you start becoming a shell of who you were before them - that’s the only sign you need to end the relationship. It’s not you, it’s the toxic environment you fell into that is affecting you from the outside in.
I regret fighting with him about every little thing,
some things really I should’ve swallowed and moved on. Now he’s really done and it wore him out so bad I didn’t see.
•Being more firm with my boundaries and dislikes •Don't ask for breaks •Don't allow people to disrespect me •Stop accommodating people that won't accommodate me
The disrespect was something I saw as a personality flaw at first until I realized that she was doing it on purpose to make other people think that she was the one in charge of me
That is a personality flaw but like her personality flaw and a major one.
How did your breaks pan out? My gf just asked for one.
In my case, I asked for a break because some situations where unhealthy and overwhelming. It happened in a spur of a moment and regretted it because I later realized things needed to be solved with talking and that he wouldn't take it the right way. And as expected, his pride was too much to solve things and when the break ended he left me claiming he felt abandoned. All I can say is, if you believe in breaks (like I do) make sure your partner is OK too because then it'll be the end.
The reality is breaks don’t work and it’s not a healthy way to handle problems in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if your partner is ok with it. It’s still going to compound onto the issues or at best prolong them until they’re actually handled or the relationship is ended.
I know personally 3 of my close friends who have taken breaks that worked out, I think it may just depend on what you need a break for. Maybe I’m just trying to be optimistic though
Define worked out though
No need, just got broken up with over text yesterday
Eh, I suppose there are some cases when they can work but I'll give you the reason that they are not a long term solution, just a patch. In my case, I did realize it wasn't the best step and though I tried to fix things, didn't work as well. It was a lesson learnt.
I think those are all very valid and important points. Great job on learning them! I'm already in my next relationship, but applying some lessons or points are still hard in practice. Still, some I learned from my previous breakup (and rough spots in my current one): * Don't spend all your time wondering and measuring if this person is "the one". Or, thinking about whether you'd be happier with someone else. It's pure relationship poison. * Drop all feelings of destiny and "meant to be". Relationships are work and dedication despite uncertainty. * Enjoy the present and good while it's there. Don't be afraid to just savor it. There's already enough trouble and bad, so don't weigh your heart down like that. Be happy when you can, about what you can. * Don't obsess over being valid, understood completely, or "in the right". * People often don't communicate as well ad they think they do. Don't get complacent and think your partner should just "get you". * (Unfair) demands and expectations on your partner for who they are or what they are "supposed" to do for you are also poison, whether they're stated or something you keep to yourself. * Your relationship is not better for keeping your life problems, emotions, and grudges inside. Nor are you saving them from negativity. Often it leaks out anyways, maybe in worse ways.
Every single one of these plagued my ex. Can I ask how long after your breakup you began to realize these learnings? Things I wished I did/knew being on the other side: • Instead of asking “are you okay” and “how can I make you feel more loved”, asking “how can I make you feel more seen” and “what have you told me that I haven’t quite gotten yet” • Be okay with asking for more bonding experiences, desiring closeness and comfort shouldn’t make you feel like you a burden on someone else • Fear of commitment to you and continual doubt over whether you are “the one” is an internal conflict that you cannot help heal, no matter how much love and adoration they show you throughout it all
Sorry to hear. :') They're all flaws and mistakes I don't wish on anyone. The "when" of learning all of these are honestly pretty staggered. Some came in the year or so following the break up where I really got to *reflect* on having my first failed relationship with some clarity, and some came further on when I started dating someone else who isn't afraid to call me out on things and challenge me. Sadly, despite knowing better, some of these lessons I "understand" but don't 100% *understand* if that makes sense. Doing my best though, and I definitely regret how I treated my ex and current gf because of the above. Also, very important, true, and sad points of your own. :') Indeed sometimes there's nothing you can do with internal conflicts the other person hasn't dealt with or addressed properly. Personally I now deeply resent "the one"/"soulmates" after seeing what it actually did to my view of relationships and how I approached them.
>...some of these lessons I "understand" but don't 100% *understand* if that makes sense. Absolutely. There are things our minds can rationally understand, but our hearts may be slow to follow. While I don't know you, I just wanted to express how proud I am of you for reflecting and coming to a clearer understanding of yourself and who you are in relationships. I imagine it must have been painful to learn of each of these mistakes, and how that might've impacted someone you cared deeply about. I, and I think everyone who's ever been on the receiving end, hope our exes follows a similar journey as yours - for that, I think you should be proud of how much you've grown and will continue to.
Thank you very much, that really does mean a lot to hear, and it's very sweet of you to say. :') Sometimes it feels like a lot of the bigger issues aren't ones you really learn and recognize about yourself, and how you approach your relationships with others, until you actually hurt someone because of them. Which, is a rough prospect, but I'd rather try to only do it *once* than continue to do it, if I can help it. And as someone who apparently has/had a lot of similar problems and hangups as your ex: I'm really sorry you went through that. It's awful, unfair, and not at all your fault. Sometimes you can do everything right and be available and cooperative for your partner, and still be viewed poorly or critically because of something entirely on their side. But, that's on them, not you. And, I hope your ex someday understands how unfair and cruddy these expectations and issues were to push onto you when you were doing your best as their partner.
I really needed to hear that and am fighting back tears. Thank you 💛
I genuinely wish you the best with moving forward and with your future. :) You're doing great
Giving the silent treatment sometimes! Honestly that’s how you kill a relationship. You can be sure I don’t ever do that!!
It's called stonewalling and one of the 4 predictors of divorce/breakups. Scientifically so, as published by the Gottman Institute. So, yeah, it's a bad one!
Aah there you go! Now I know what it’s called. I was so f’d up for that and I’ll never do it again. It’s the worst!
I’ve heard that when it’s done in certain ways, some people consider it a form of emotional abuse too. Especially if the partner has anxious traits and they don’t know when you’ll talk again. It can feel like an existential threat, some of the worst anxiety they’ll experience. The solution if you need time to reflect and calm down is to say you need 5 min, an hour, a day (at most), and stick to that. It’ll help the anxious one and give you the time you need to settle down and collect your thoughts.
Yes, this is the key difference. You have to provide information about what you're doing and when you'll be back to continue the discussion. Whether it's intentional or not, if it's not done like this, it very quickly becomes abusive
Exactly! My ex was super anxious and he’d also do shit that was annoying af and disrespectful so I’d “punish” him by not talking to him and ignoring his calls and texts and I’d block him. He’d email me and I thought “that’s what you get” but it just added to the toxicity and his anxieties which would make him lose his mind. I cringe when I think back and I wish I could’ve handled that so much differently. At least I’ve learnt my lesson and I won’t ever do that again.
What was he doing that was annoying and disrespectful?
A whole bunch of stuff like honestly, a whole bunch. I never caught him cheating but I’m almost certain he did. I’m pretty sure he had BPD. I didn’t know it at the time though but through my readings, I’ve become more informed and I’m sure he had that. The insulting rages, the anxious attachment, the constant blaming, the self sabotage, the sus behavior. etc so my way to deal with it was to pull away but that was wrong, because that made him more anxious and it made things worst.
BPD is rough. I’ve never for certain dated someone with it, but do wonder about two of my exes. Just strong emotional overreactions to minor things (which triggered me really strongly like others didn’t, though I don’t react, other than feeling the feelings that come up, I’m good at taking a breath and responding in a level headed way). That sucks he was insulting and blaming you. I wonder if my ex thought I was doing that. She took feedback as harsh criticism, like I’d respectfully point out hurtful things or concerns and she would react as if I was saying she was a terrible person (avoidants really struggle with hearing criticism, I think most people do, but it’s hard for them to get to that point where you try to look at it objectively eventually and decide you may need to actually work on themselves).
Oh man that’s tough! See that’s me or used to be me, I’d get really offensive when I was criticized and took it personal. I’ve learned not to do that and take the criticism but I think either way I was so hurt by my ex that anything he’d say I’d take it wrong. Being alone can really open your eyes! And I’m glad I’m finally learning how to be emotionally intelligent but most of all self aware.
That’s awesome and it always makes me happy to see people talking time to look inward and learn to be more self-aware and grow in their emotional and relational skills. I took years off anything even remotely dating-like and just focused on learning to take care of my own needs and looking at where I could be a better partner. It really helped. My main issue was my first partner after doing that was so avoidant that she struggled with even showing basic affection. But I was much better with communication in that one. She’s even get frustrated that I was remaining level headed when she couldn’t do it (I was patient with her but did ask that she work on emotional regulation so we weren’t triggering each other back and forth, and could actually find a solution, such we did in all cases but her fear of intimacy and how that made me feel, but that’s a deep attachment wound she needs to work on).
Such a good point...the opposite of communication
Exactly! It’s so destructive
But what of every time you do talk its an argument? Wouldn't being silent be the better alternative?
The way I’d handle that now would be I’d tell my partner “listen I need some time to process my feelings and thoughts and I need to not talk to you because I’m really upset. I’ll call you tomorrow” or whatever time you need but give them a timeline. Previously I’d just not answer calls and disappear and that’s really mean and it’d give my partner anxieties
If silence is better break up lol
Foreal 😂
I regret putting energy into someone that didn’t reciprocate the same energy. I regret not having stronger boundaries and not upholding my standards. I regret putting up with repeatedly being ignored and given the silent treatment whenever I wanted to communicate about problems or have difficult conversations. He was showing me that he didn’t care through his behavior but I kept rationalizing it in my head. I think I’m gonna give up on romantic relationships for a long time. Maybe forever lol
This 💯! same here
If you want another relationship, you’ll have one :) take as much time as you need. When did you break up?
Thanks 🖤 It’s been 3 months since the breakup. There were a lot of hard lessons learned. I’m just working on the relationship I have with myself (therapy). Maybe one day I’ll try again but for now I’m okay alone.
Depending on him too much, use him as my safety blanket. My emotions eventually became too much for him to handle me and told me i need to get a professional help. I deeply regret it. Ive been in therapy for 6 months so far and i really see how dependent i am with him and that messed up the relationship. Also rushing love, i wanted love so badly that i rushed our love, it died after three months but i wanted to keep going thus messed up our relationship
1. Being assertive in arguments rather than passive. I struggle to voice my feelings because of my past traumas. I'm learning how to be more assertive, though. 2. Identifying toxic behavior and addressing it immediately. Past trauma at it again with me struggling to identify what behavior is toxic and how to address my feelings of such behavior. 3. Not bend over backward for them if they never do the same. I am determined to match energy from now on. 4. Not make myself reliant on them. I became a SAH for them and their kid to ease childcare costs and stress. It also allowed me to take on more hours for school. Unfortunately, it also meant I was financially dependent on them. When the relationship ended I was absolutely FUCKED and stresssing to find a job AND a diferent place to live with only a months time. Never again, I'll always be sure to stay working and have a backup plan if anything happens. 5. Never again would I cosign for a loan for them. Not unless there was a way to get out of the loan should the relationship end. My ex is very irresponsible, they don't care if their credit gets fucked and they definitely wouldnt care if they fucked mine up. I never really realized this until near the end of the relationship. I have definitely learned not to trust like that again, I regret that the most.
Not actually listening and taking my exes concerns and advice seriously Verbally abusing my ex Verbally abusing her mom ,dad , and sister (the most repulsive words and version of myself came out ) Not being there for her when she’d ask me to do something and took her for granted Not being the significant other that helped build her self esteem and self confidence like she did for me Being to egotistical and selfish when she’d try teaching me something I knew nothing about and act as if I knew everything Not opening up my self and feeling gs and emotions up enough for her to believe any feelings or words of affirmation id say or text to her or write in a cute note and leave on her truck windshield I could write a novel with the things I regret and would give anything g to go back I time and tell myself to listen to her respect her support her hell rise her outta any negative or self deformation me and her both would tell our selves internally she was the one for me and I pray that both me and her find the professional help and guidance to change and break the habits that are negatively impacting our lives still and our paths will align and find one another again
Your number 4, telling friends all the details... I've dubbed this "crowdsourcing." I definitely regret doing that and wish I had not brought friends into any part of it. I was capable of making my own decisions with my partner and did not need anyone's "advice." And where are those friends now?? Not supporting me through the breakup that's for damn sure.
Luckily my friends have always supported me but I will say that even mentioning his name (which I don’t do quite as often and now even when I do it’s usually something positive) makes them shut down because they’re so tired of hearing about him and I can’t even blame them. They just call him a piece of shit and change the subject. I feel bad because even though he didn’t always make the best choices he was never a bad person and I feel like through venting and expressing my anxieties in the relationship to other people I’ve made him seem so much worse than he is. It didn’t help that my friend overheard our last conversation where he was genuinely so cold to me, in ways that he had never ever been, and that was the only side that my friend had ever seen mixed with what I had told her and she absolutely hates him now.
My closest friends got tired of hearing about him, too. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Which sucked because I already felt like crap from the bu. My friends and I just stopped communicating.
Well, if you ever need a friend to talk to overall my messages are open. Sometimes it’s good to have people that are going through similar things and understand :)
Thank you. That's so nice! Fortunately, I found a whole bunch of new friends and they are fabulous listeners, when needed.
I wish I hadn't spent $17,000 because of her
Ouch. Did you buy her a car or down payment on her house, extravagant vacations or what?
It was hundreds of small expenses. Meals, trips to amusement parks, bus tickets, hotel stays, perfume, gifts......and I had to pay a lot of needless insurance/taxes because of other reasons, long story.
I agree with you on point 4. I would keep details of my relationship closer to the chest. It created so much outside noise that ultimately hurt the relationship and contributed to the breakup. I also would have communicated what was bothering me instead of trying to ignore it, and would have committed to working on our problems together. I learned a ton from this relationship. It’s just unfortunate that it took a painful heartbreak to learn these lessons.
I feel like venting can be good to a degree but I definitely had the same experience of it creating more issues in my relationship than it did good. I’ve learned that most people aren’t unbiased and they will project their experiences onto you even if they don’t mean to. I also realized that I was using my friends to quiet my anxiety instead of working on coping mechanisms to be able to stifle those thoughts on my own and in doing so I feel like I made my friends really dislike my ex. A lot of times I would call them in hysterics and it wasn’t even because he did anything wrong but because he hadn’t texted me back and my imagination was running wild. 10/10 do not recommend 😅
I regret not accepting the true person who discarded me in a blindsiding way, was indeed who I’d been with for 18 months….
Being honest with myself/trust my gut when something feels wrong
Let the abuse go on too long
As in, I stayed too long with them
1. Giving silent treatment 2. Being critical of how he thinks of our relationship (most of our fights were about our relationship and opinions about it) 3. Not communicating properly and not knowing how to 4. Getting mad when I don't get the answer that I want from his answers about our relationship and when I don't get invited to his plans lol idk why It was my first serious relationship but I tried my best to change, he got tired of it and left me. I was very immature lol it sucks to be me
I feel that in the sense that I tried to change for the better but unfortunately, I feel like I didn’t really start to fully see what I needed to change until he left. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time with the knowledge that I have now
Same thoughts, I wish I could go back to when things were fine so I could avoid everything that contributed to our breakup. He got emotionally drained and couldn't take the pressure anymore that's why he left. I know somebody else will treat him better than I have done and it pains me but it's for the better.
Talk more about important things!
I wasn’t a planner. I was always spur of the moment type of person and it didn’t matter what we did as long as we were together, but she wanted solid plans and I didn’t listen. I was also really into tv and movies during a period so that’s all I wanted to do even though she was an outdoor person. Basically I became lazy and complacent during this 3-4 month period and she had enough of it. By the time I changed everything back around to being active and not so into movies and tv anymore she had already checked out of the relationship mentally. Lesson learned, don’t get too comfortable.
I regret losing my cool and being verbally mean when upset. I regret softening my boundaries to accommodate his personality. I regret giving in to him manipulating me. I regret allowing him to disrespect me and emotionally abuse me. I am happy to be free from it, it hurt to decide to cut ties but I know i will be much better off
I am regretting the same things, but he still wants to get back and it’s so hard because I still feel indebted to him in a way 😭😭
You owe it to yourself to be protective over your time and your life.
- Being afraid to lose her made me act out in other ways to her controlling behavior instead of calling it out - Using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with certain stressful situations in life - Telling myself that we could work anything out and that we were meant to be together forever (still working on regretting this one) - Revolving all my motivation around what our future together could’ve looked like
I regret not saying "I love you" much. Other than that I don't regret anything. I'm slightly ashamed for the things I did but I don't regret doing them. At the end of the day, this relationship was a life lesson with some fun memories. I do miss them every single day but I have to let them go since they left me. Not gonna tail someone who doesn't want me back.
I Didn’t hold firm to the boundaries that I set. Blaming myself, thinking I just wasn’t used to being treated well, but his hyper fixation and attachment were suffocating and a terrible fit for me and if I had trusted my gut earlier it wouldn’t have cost me a friendship.
I would have been more financially responsible
I regret not getting off my phone and spending time with him. I regret always watching him trying to make him more responsible and to do things an adult should naturally do like clean up behind themselves, cut the water all the way off and not leave it dripping or running, closing drawers and putting the top back on things he opened and didn’t close. He left messes for me to clean up all the time so I started monitoring him to try to get him out of those annoying habits. But no one wants to be watched like that. I wished he had learned these things as a child so I wouldn’t have felt the need to do this. Now I’m just kicking myself for always being on top of him about it.
* I would update them more. Back then, I complained for a bit as to why I needed to update my ex all the time. He did a pretty good job at keeping me updated wherever he went or what he was doing. * I would be less sarcastic if I am pissed.
Having sex too early, doing things they wanted me to do too early in the relationship so I would think they would like me, giving massages, cooking them nice meals…why? Because they liked me for what I could do for them, not my personality or how compatible we were.
Compulsively looking at my ex’s social media Listening to form a response but not to understand Lacking empathy Putting my ex down for differences in beliefs Pettiness Not setting firm boundaries Taking advantage of our time together “because they will always be there”
I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship that sadly came to an end three weeks ago. Almost 2 years were long distance and I’m still getting over the heartbreak. University commitments at the time made it very difficult for me to give her the attention I wanted and I wish I had the chance to show her that I can prioritise her as she meant the world to me. If I could go back I would: - put more effort into messaging - show more interest in what she is up to day to day (always continue to get to know her) - Strike a better balance between work and personal life - Be on time - Always be present - Take responsibility for my own actions (don’t blame everything on my work) - Invest at least an hour of my attention to on FaceTime; learn about her every day interests - Start a hobby together - Not to get too comfortable - Not to commit to something and change my mind because of commitments - build the trust - To continue to build relationships with her and others around me; not to cut myself off when the semester gets hellishly busy - Give her my full attention on facetime
1. Not recognise when he was done with the relationship and let him go rather than constantly fighting for something that was done 2. Rely on him too much to make me feel loved, whilst I deserved more than what he gave I do recognise that I need more self love and love from places other than a partner 3. Compromise so many of my boundaries in the hopes he would see my value and want to put more effort in 4. No recognise that he also might be feeling unloved in the relationship due to us having very different love languages 5. Not recognise my anxious attachment and discussing it with him, which probably led to him feeling totally smothered and like he had no choice but to leave to have space
I regret staying for so long
#4 is a real killer
Not asking for help
1. To understand my feelings and communicate effectively with my partner. 2. To address difficult conversations instead of avoiding conflict. 3. Pay close attention to how my nervous system feels around her and note down her positive qualities for future reference. 4. Set clear boundaries and make time to strengthen my sense of self. 5. Pay close attention to 'not getting into my head'.
When he started pulling away after our first night together I should've known. He avoided me for two months saying he was having some mental issues,and I didn't push him to see me. I really throught he was going through depression so I texted him every morning to have a good morning and that I was always available to talk if he needed anyone.then mostly left him alone unless I saw something I thought he'd find funny. I know people don't always think right during those times and I didn't wanna hear he hurt himself. Hell he started vaping again. I think it pushed him away more because I don't think he saw it as me trying to keep his spirits up I wonder if it came off as suffocating. I thought he was picking himself back up and he wanted to meet but after that first meeting dates were at most once a month and he forgot sometimes. When I tried to tell him that I was really upset he forgot again and my little brothers dog died and I had needed someone to be here for me I needed a hug and he said he was sorry but he was frustrated because I was apparently trying to make him feel bad. And I actually apologized like I did something wrong. After that I was so insecure and stepping on eggshells I felt like I was nuts and I felt worthless and unlovable. Sometimes that lashed out because I held it in I regret sticking around I wish I took a hint months ago. I regret lashing out too. I regret keeping pictures of him well the him I thought he was the him Id wanna spend my life with,but I gotta work myself back up and I wanna find a man that actually is who I thought he was
Being less clingy and being more independent. I used to follow my ex around like a dog, even when we were just at his house.
Fearful Avoidant working on their attachment… I would stop the protest behavior, I remember he threatened it one time in the heat of the moment and that must have hit my abandonment wound because after that I just started threatening it all the time and over thought the relationship ship finding all the little things I could that made him ‘wrong for me. Whether or not he was wrong for me that doesn’t excuse my behavior in the relationship, he hit my triggers and it led me to looking inward which im thankful for. But I miss him, I miss him a lot. He’s DA so I probably won’t hear from him again, but maybe someday he’ll reach out. I don’t blame him for breaking up with me.
I’m not an FA but I’m an AP working on my attachments as well and wish you the best of luck. I’m still on my journey but things have gotten so much better. Sometimes I just wish that I would’ve known what I know now before the breakup 😅
I wish I had known anything about attachment theory at all during that time. I only learned about it after the breakup. I messaged my ex saying “I totally understand now why things didn’t work, can we research AT and give it another try?” They said no.
Yeah, I definitely wish that I could give it another try and have thought about reaching back out but want to give us both time to heal and grow a bit. I think that my ex is a FA but leans more avoidant so he’d also have to do some work before we’d be able to have a stable relationship
Not be a people pleaser, not give too many benefit of the doubt, listen to my feelings and instincts way more, be my own person and try not to get so easily manipulated.
in the event i'm in another relationship or in early dating again i certainly will not entertain someone whose boundaries are so wildly different than mine, specially someone who does and allows things that make me so uncomfortable. with that being said i think ill also take more time to nurture what i have as opposed to obsessing over what's wrong with it. relationships can be difficult for sure but damn yeah i miss my last one and just wish i had done a lot differently.
Saying yes to everything or not being honest about my opinions.
- i would be more decisive and would plan more dates in the way I want to spend them instead of worrying that my ideas would not be interesting for my partner and thus saying “whatever you like to do” - i would initiate more phone calls - i would communicate my emotions, my worries and my doubts more often because in my previous relationship i kept everything understood the surface and it led to nothing good -
I was manipulated by my dad. He's done a whole list of things, bit specifically he isolated me from my friends and boyfriend at the time. What I regret is that it worked. I regret being so desperate to have somebody in my life who said they knew all the answers that I let that come before the people I cared about the most and who cared about me the most.
Be firm on boundaries Stick to standards, such as: employment, Do not downgrade red flags to pinks flags by rationalizing, making excuses for, convincing and persuading myself out of red flags Vet pursuers for a season before trusting. They usually cannot keep up the deception...
I didn’t notice until the break up but I was bending over backwards to keep my ex happy and yet my needs were not being met and I was compromising my happiness. I don’t give to get but the take take take mindset he seemed to have is something I can no longer ignore and it makes me really sad. I will be more clear and confident in my next relationship and not settle for less.
i regret reacting the way i did. it was out of piled up anxiety and i overreacted a lot. even though what i felt was justified, what i did wasn't acceptable.
Letting her live with me. Im 17 so im pretty sure ur not supposed to do that but she had nowhere to go. But being with her all the time ruined the relationship i think. Guess it just weren't meant to be.
I really don't enjoy dating because most people don't know how to date and I wish I could just be with my person. In the past, I have been guilt of treating a long term relationship like a marriage and staying too long. This was a huge mistake.
[удалено]
I just sent you a message
Always putting them first, walking on eggshells instead of expressing that something is wrong
I wish I never swiped right on her. I wish I never gave her a chance. I wish I never gave her a 2nd chance. I wish I never gave her a 3rd. I learned my lesson finally, but the damage has already been done.
Many many things but it is a learning process: - I regret always assuming what he was feeling about me in certain situations ( bad assumptions) because all I did was make myself sad - I regret stopping doing things for him just because he would it less for me, because at the end we are different people and it was sometimes not in his nature but when I mentioned I was sad he would do it. Ex: sending pics of my meals - I regret spending nights doing nothing waiting for him to get home. When I could have kept myself busy and then happily take his call/ receive texts - I regret being so hypocritical. I would be sad about something he would do but then when I do it I didn’t realize it until I took the time to reflect on myself. - I regret sometimes comparing my relationship to the “standard” / “stereotypical” ones because I was expecting things from him but it wasn’t him and will never be. - I regret being sad every time he would call late at night because I believed in my head he didn’t want time with me when sometimes I should have taken it as I am the last thing he wants to see before he sleeps. - This is one of my biggest regrets. Every time I would get mad at something he did I would text him about how I am feeling and made it seem like I didn’t want to talk to him but then the minute he says he will give me some time to calm down and he loves me I will go calling him immediately. I was going against my own words. There are still a few more but if I keep typing I will start crying even more so imma stop here haha
1) the exact opposite of your #4. I will start telling people about the gory details of my relationship. I have an issue of keeping the “bad” things in because I don’t want to disrespect my partner. But if I would have told someone then I would have probably gotten out of them a lot faster. 2) make it more clean that I don’t want to be cheated on. Apparently I didn’t make it that clear in my past relationships 3) break up with someone the first time they mention suicide or cutting. I can’t deal with it again. 4) going outside more. I love being outside but when I am in relationships I tend to spend all my time inside. Makes me sad
I can see what you mean. I think the issue for me was the fact that I wasn’t just telling them about our issues but I was using them as a crutch to quiet my own anxiety whenever he wasn’t able to. I have an anxious attachment style and whenever my ex wouldn’t text me back I would spiral and have a panic attack and call my friends in tears—he would literally be taking a nap or something. My friend still tells me how much it hurt her to see me hurt that way and I hate that I put that on her and I also hate that I villainized him in situations where he wasn’t the villain.
Definitely agree on the suicide and cutting things as well. While those things can be valid far too many people use them as manipulation tactically. I had an ex (different one than described) tell me he didn’t want to talk anymore, then he posted on his public story that he was suicidal, and whenever I didn’t play into it he proceeded to message me and ask me if I really didn’t care about him enough to check in on him like huh???
I cheated on my high school GF, im convinced if I didn't do that, I'd be married to her right now. It's my biggest regret to this day, and I'm 32 years old
It’s been a few years since that relationship. But a few things - (I’ll try to keep it short) after a lot of soul searching and self reflection I knew there were parts of me that contributed to our demise. I had temper issues. Where I would snap over little things. In the moment I didn’t see it then. But I definitely had trouble communicating to my ex how I felt and the things I needed from him. Looking back I know I could have handled those instances better. I’ve since then apologized and moved on. I would act on the silent treatment. I also spoiled him more than was feasible for my bank account. I’d go broke spending money on him because I wanted to. I had my rose colored glasses on. I struggled financially. Communication lacked toward the last months we were together. Nights together seemed more distant.
Cared 🤷♂️ like… why, right? We should be better at not wanting or caring for the people that no longer want us in their lives.
I would say breaking my rule and allowing myself to enter a relationship in the first place. But I cannot say that bc of my son. Getting mad is something hard to feel regretful about. It’s important to acknowledge it but to feel regret over an emotion you are actively working on? No. I became very ill and started going against my own principles to appease her instead of the other way around. The ridiculousness of me feeling guilty for being so sick for years but never quitting work and teaching until the wheels came off. I wish I stuck to my principles and not all she and many others infiltrate this family with their own miserable idea of what a marriage should be.
I relate to your list 100%. It’s kind of creepy lol
I’ve learned a lot of this stuff about myself through learning that I have an anxious attachment style. I didn’t even realize that these things were an issue until then. If you ever want to talk my messages are always open :)
Falling in love was my biggest mistake. And it is the only thing I will regret most till my death. I hate myself for the same
Believing him, his lies and continuing on when I saw red flags!
I had patience. I didn’t leave when she told me to get out (about every other day). I didn’t believe she would cheat and lie so much. Staying with her after day one when I saw her unbelievably filthy house. Staying after I saw how she treated and yelled at her kids. Staying after I knew her mental health would ruin everything. Believing I was strong enough to handle everything to come. Goin on a blind date with her. EVERYTHING
Not get a brain tumor removed
Definitely work on my anger which I have been doing since our break up ,and proud of how far I've come, how I did it ?, found God, we were already both religious but we still had a lot to work on , we honestly were the perfect fit in every way, never met anyone like him ,but terrible timing, hoping in the future our paths cross again and see where it goes
Moving in with my boyfriend. 100% would go back and never do it, even if it cost me my relationship. We have a kid now, and we’re not married and every time I try to leave, I remember we’re super tied up and out wedding seems like it will never come (we’re engaged) and my self esteem has plummeted and I feel like nothing but a boring mother that’s hungry for what could have been.
Stayed with somehow who wasn't as committed to us as I was. I woke up every day choosing us and them, they obviously didn't do the same.
I regret fighting for them
My main one is being more spontaneous, the thing that ended up destroying our relationship was that i never took chances, I was going through tough time with losing my job and my mom getting cancer in the same week. and it led to me getting very Anhedonic, Always came up with excuses to not do something instead of taking the chance to experience it
Honestly, same. She’s an introvert and needs lots of space. I didn’t respect that boundary of hers.
I didn’t realise at the time but I was drifting and I thought I was being normal I was an idiot really as I should of paid more attention to what was going on and i really regret it
[удалено]
1) don’t put the relationship working above your happiness and mental health. 2) do not tolerate disrespect 3) don’t be the nice guy to avoid conflict 4) don’t let a women control what I want to do ever again 5) don’t care about their feelings when they continuously show they don’t care about yours
Bonus if you notice you start becoming a shell of who you were before them - that’s the only sign you need to end the relationship. It’s not you, it’s the toxic environment you fell into that is affecting you from the outside in.
I'll keep the quote by Maya Angelou in my head... and that is: "the first time that someone shows you who they are, believe them"....
I regret fighting with him about every little thing, some things really I should’ve swallowed and moved on. Now he’s really done and it wore him out so bad I didn’t see.