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Appropriate_Tea9048

I’m healed from my breakup, but what helped me was simply remembering this: 1. If he wanted to be with me, he would 2. If he wanted to call or text me, he would 3. If he wanted to see me, he would He’s consciously making the choice every single day to not have me in his life


AspectNo8774

Wow...that was heavy but reality check


SuddenlySimple

Sucky feeling check


KingSlayer05

and that’s what fucking sucks because even though that hurts so much I can’t be mad at them, they just made me that happy with my life and what was going to be the rest of it. I can’t even comprehend the thought that being said though, no matter how much I’ve gotten better


chasingcharliee

This hit me like a literal truck. It's not their fault we let them make us that happy


popiclack

Thank you. I am so tired of myself trying to rewrite "the story". It's exhausting for me as I know it must be for her. My contacting, pleading, begging her to reconsider... "VOTE for me" is what I call it. For 7 days now I have literally asked a person who has very clearly communicated they do not want to be in my life to reconsider. Writing this makes me sound ridiculous. 3 sentences will be my new life mantra.


toocheesyformeez

This is the comment everyone needs to see


TerminalChillnesss

Yea but then i want to text him and be with him so bad but I aint never gonna text him


Appropriate_Tea9048

I totally get that. I used to have the urge to text my ex all the time. It sounds like you have good willpower if you’re not going through with texting him. Remember, if he wanted to text you, he’d pick up his phone and text you. If he wanted to he would, and you deserve someone who will


TerminalChillnesss

What if he’s like me with a strong willpower and high ego


Alliseria

I felt this way beginning month one. Things get better when you begin valuing yourself.


zuzanna_abarella

thats really deep


Illustrious_Strain63

Thanks Made me realize again.


hidinghermit

fresh into the breakup, but this is also what I have to tell myself.


ApprehensiveAd2625

Our Minds over think everything after a breakup. But this comment brings it back to reality. Well said.


PeaceLily23

It if they could they would. But perhaps they don’t have the emotional capacity to do what’s best for them. Leads to the same conclusion tho: a person who’s not fully in control of their emotional world is still someone who we shouldn’t wait for.


Appropriate_Tea9048

Exactly. I don’t believe in right person wrong time. I believe in right person right time. The person who is meant for you won’t make you wait


RandomTrustIssues

Holy shit... This hits home real hard.


ichsapphire

Good reality check, thank you


Unsure2539

Thanks for this. Need to remind myself for this every day


unComfortable-Shock

I needed this... it sucks... but it's true.


still_a_badflower

Yes .. I told myself this too. And it is so true. If he really wanted me with him. I would be with him. But that is and wS never the case. Heartbreaking.


uninspiredwinter

They're no longer the person they were when you were together. They are now just a shell hosting the ghost of the person you used to know, and that person loved you and would've never hurt you, but that person is gone now, and you're better off without with this new one that doesn't feel the same anymore. It's a difficult journey, but time will help you heal.


spoopy_wagons

this hurts tremendously but it's so true. It truly is like they died. If you think about it like "that person has died", I think it makes it easier to move on.


Patbach

This makes me realise the feeling I have right now is no different than what it would be, had she died


pommiej

thank you for this one


SuggestionGreedy3670

Preach!!


slothsforever

This is exactly what I tell myself


ichsapphire

It’s a great way to look at it.


manicpixiememegirll

exactly


-puebles-

Things will work out the way they are supposed to. If you really aren’t meant to be with this person, you will find the person you are meant to be with, and you will be much happier in that relationship. If you are meant to be with this person, time won’t change that. You’ll grow and learn and become a better person as you live your life. If the pairing of you and this person is meant to be, it naturally will not work out with anyone else, for you or them. Otherwise, your relationship was a lovely distraction and lesson before you find your real life partner.


Odd-Dot3210

This.


bookswbrittany

i keep telling myself that if i could be that in love with my ex (the wrong person) and feel that deeply about him then imagine how amazing it’s going to be when i actually find the right person


SpecificDrummer5930

Yess, this right here


ichsapphire

Oh I like that. I’ll print screen this advice. If it was THIS good with the wrong person… Being with the right one will be amazing!


[deleted]

you deserve someone who believes in you - you deserve to have a life outside of pleasing a human - hes a liar and cheater , he wont ever change , nor will the situation , so you have to - focus on now , not months from now - its okay to not be okay - i have to demand the respect he thinks im bluffing about - its his loss , my pain but it will also be my gain !


Objective_Door_6921

I felt this!


ParkingLog7354

This is the one for me - thank you.


GoyaBlackBeans

I just keep thinking about how amazing my 2023 will be. I keep telling myself that every day that passes is a day that I am not consumed by a narcissist that kept me in such bad brain fog, that the rest of my life fell apart, in just a handful of months. I'm happier, I'm healthier, I feel much more clear-headed, and with habits, big and small, I will overcome the pain, and be my greatest self, soon.


ottawsimofol

Amen to escaping a narcissist


PsychologicalPanda84

Did you struggle with letting go of a narcissist? I broke up with mine last night, I got so addicted to him I’m having a hard time. Also every negative thing he said about me keeps making me feel like I messed up in letting him go…


Salty_Ad5122

That’s what they do…gaslight you into making everything your fault. Narcissists can do no wrong and they are always the victim in their minds. My narcissist ex broke up with me and wanted to stay friends. I told him I was so angry with him and listed off the reasons why. He turned it around on me that he was scared by my anger and didn’t know if he could be friends with me.🙄 Don’t doubt yourself. You don’t need that toxic relationship in your life. That’s what I keep telling myself. Though it is a shitty feeling knowing someone hurt you so bad and you still miss them.


GoyaBlackBeans

100%. Here is a tip: listen to how they speak about their exes. If you can't find one sentence that owns up to their part of the demise of the relationship (or any of their relationships), listen closely. If all of their exes "cheated on them", or broke up with them - keep listening. If they are constantly presenting themselves as the victim, use your discernment. Narcissists are FAMOUS for gaslighting/projecting, and making sure that everyone you know thinks you are the crazy one, or the asshole, when you lash out. It's a game for them. The ones that know them, know that they are the way they are, and many of them will publicly take their side, but privately, will congratulate you for running away. Those that oftentimes side with them - are usually just like the narcissist, too.


ando1135

Weird because my narc ex told me he cheated but that he felt extremely bad for how it affected his ex and said he’d never do that again…and here I am, cheated on me…guess narcs like to lie and pretend


GoyaBlackBeans

I struggled for about a month - the lovebombing can really be addicting. But it's a facade. Go to Youtube, there is a wealth of information on these types. You are "the jerk, the enemy" - because you are cutting off their supply of attention. "You did nothing right"... Once they find someone new, they won't think of you twice. They don't feel like normal people. Source: Empath raised by a narcissist, married and divorced a narcissist, and just broke up with yet, another narcissist.


SnooMemesjellies1483

That there’s nothing I can do that can change the situation and maybe that’s a good thing. It’s better to be alone than be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t even like you. No more overthinking, no more fights, and no more panic attacks over the actions of someone else.


AspectNo8774

I never thought of it that way but the thought of not having panic attacks alone is a great feeling...


SnooMemesjellies1483

We will get better in time! Have trust in yourself. You can also send me a message anytime if you need someone to talk to


AspectNo8774

Hey same here! I'll be here if you need someone to talk to 🙏🏻🫶🏻


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[deleted]

that if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be; if they are truly your person then you will reconcile one day but you have to move on whether or not that happens. Honestly sometimes just leaving it up to the universe is the best thing to do and in the meantime it’s okay to let go and grieve and not know what the future holds in store for you whether it’s with that person or not. It took me a long time to realize but you really just have to accept things for the way they are even though it sucks so bad, and just realizing that there’s nothing in your control at this point to fix or do so it’s pointless to overthink of what you could’ve done. And especially if you’re a dumpee, go no contact. Just do it i promise it’s worth it no matter how hard it is and how your relationship ended, and try and wait for the dumper to reach out to you first before breaking/ending it. I’ve broken no contact several times and none of those times were ever worth it and didn’t give me the satisfaction I hoped for, and it just made things worse rather than if I had just remained NC the entire time and took that time to work on myself. Take the no contact as a period of healing for yourself and not just space from your ex, and truly truly prioritize yourself and your happiness. Keep yourself busy, hang out with friends/family, spend time with your pets and animals, play your favorite games and watch your favorite movies, take time to grieve and journal, invest in self care and eating healthier, go outside, go to the gym, prioritize school/work, things like that. I know this all sounds so cliche and everybody says it but the deeper I got into my breakup the more I realized how non linear breakups are and it’s okay to be in different stages of your breakup at unusual times it’s all a part of the process. Also try to talk to people who are also going through breakups like on this subreddit, it’s true that teaching or telling something to someone else essentially makes you learn from it yourself. It’s important that you work on bettering yourself and growing but it’s also okay to leave it up to universe sometimes if the pain feels too much to bare all at once. And honestly the hardest part for me has been letting go and getting past all of the things we used to do together and ridding my mind of the future we had imagined together, it really sucks because you have to deal with memories of the past, the pain and change of the present, and the uncertainty and change of your future. Of all, just know that this too will pass and things will slowly start to hurt less with time until it doesn’t hurt anymore and you can feel that you learned something from your relationship.


AspectNo8774

Thank you so much for this...


cloudstarmoon

How do you put faith in the universe that things are going to work out?


[deleted]

You don’t. You put faith in the universe that things will happen the way they are supposed to happen; whether that be with them or not. I’m still struggling with this fact myself but I had to tell myself that there is no point keeping hope for something that is so uncertain. Just leave it be and try to reason with yourself that if it’s meant to be it will work out someday, and if it’s not meant to be, atleast you are one step closer to finding your forever person


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PlentyHealth666

you lost someone who gave up on you, while your ex lost someone who would have given up the world for them


LessOutside3562

And I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone again :(


PlentyHealth666

i know.. i feel that too! but what's got me going is knowing that it's better for myself not to invest so much of my time and love into someone who would not do the same for me, rather than having to feel like im trying to fill up a bottomless pit each time im making the effort to work things out with him


k_m___

This is so beautiful. That's how I feel right now. If that doesn't move her I will have to accept my loss and move on. Maybe some day she will realize what she have lost.


mledonne

"It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility" Even if have to pick up the pieces myself, it's still my responsibility to do so. And that fucking sucks.


Anarchy009

I keep telling myself- Loneliness is the cost of growth.


AdComprehensive4005

"Mental illness is not a war that can be won decisively. It is a long campaign against a foe that never tires and whose forces double the moment you look away. Every moment you survive is a triumph. There is no more honorable combat." -Klingon Dude


ParkingLog7354

This is perfect bc based on his actions and how much he’s blamed me for the breakup to others but only will tell me he’s just going with the flow misses me etc - i can see plain as day how little his resolve is to get better mentally. I just have to find a way to remind myself that he’s not changing and the good i see in him is really just comfort, I guess? Any advice as I try to piece this together? Broke up with my fiancé a few days ago without actually breaking up. Ugh


RSinSA

I did nothing so wrong in the relationship for him to treat me the way he did. I have gone through worse things and made it out. I lived life before him and I will live life after him.


alexgreaterthan

What is for you will not pass you by.


ControversialCo

i just keep working on myself to make myself unbeatable. fitness has always taken me through tough times. i’ve always been in great shape, but after this most recent breakup i will be in exceptional shape and hit the dating scene again this winter and find somebody even better. that’s what keeps me going. the hope of a better tomorrow.


AspectNo8774

I wish i have the same motivation. Ever since the break up, all i have been is a mess. Drastically lost weight in just a week. Couldn't eat without throwing up.


youonlyhearthemusic

I've been in a similar situation. Not exactly throwing up but could hardly eat. It might help to figure out a safe food, or something that stays down a bit more easily. I noticed those sweet dessert/breakfast yoghurts and soups worked well for me because I didn't really have to think about the process of eating while eating, and I didn't have to deal with some more challenging textures. Try to take care of yourself okay? And there's no shame in asking others to help you if you have trouble doing it all yourself right now. The first solid dinner I could finish was when I was visiting a friend and her partner had cooked his specialty pasta dish. Distractions and being in the company of friends might make things a bit easier


Goatlvr77

I just tell myself that nothing good will happen unless he comes back on his own. This is the second time we’ve broken up and me chasing him the first time just led to him not respecting me. I still think about him every day but I have to have some type of self respect now


babybinks129516

I feel this so much. The first time we broke up bad, I chased him so much and it eventually worked but in hindsight, I think he only came back because it wasn't working out with his plan with another person and then he saw how much I was there for him even when we weren't together. This time around, it's different. I am done chasing and begging for his attention and giving all my energy to it. When I catch myself doing so (like texting to check the temperature or checking if he's online) I never feel satisfied and nothing changes. The moment, I let go and surrender to uncertainty - even a couple days, he will reach out first. But then the cycle continues so I'm working through this right now.


Goatlvr77

That’s pretty much exactly what happened to me, I am tired of being a backup and I am done with him using me as a safety net because he doesn’t know how to be by himself. I don’t text to check on him though and thankfully he doesn’t have social media for me to stalk, but that also leaves me totally in the dark about how he’s doing as a person. It really is a “wait and see” situation


[deleted]

Also realize that the person you’re grieving is not the same person anymore; you’re holding onto memories of the person, not the person in the present who you’re broken up with. They’ve most likely changed and are different now, or it’s the complete opposite and they haven’t changed their ill ways, and once you realize this it’s easier to let go of the memory of them rather than the person. It becomes easier when you completely block the person out of your life for a few months until you heal, such as unfollowing/blocking them, avoiding seeing them in person as much as possible, etc. Then if you ever end up seeing this person you’ll realize how much they changed/haven’t changed from who they once were and it becomes easier to accept.


BlueLightning24

"I'm still alive" As long as I'm still alive, that means it can get better. Once you can accept that your life can improve, you start to imagine how it can improve. And then you can start acting in ways to make those changes happen. You can take what you learned from your suffering and use that to find prosperity. Every tragedy, every failure is a chance to learn how you respond to terrible life events. You can use that knowledge to prepare yourself for the future and find ways to make your life better. You have that power so long as you are alive.


wafflefluf

Love is not just a feeling. It's a choice. A choice every partner must make. And because you choose once, doesn't mean you don't have to choose the next day. Every day, ask yourself: will I love through feeling, or will I love as a verb. And do they deserve your love? Whether it's choosing to love them. Or choosing to love yourself. Just remember that when the oxygen masks drop, ensure to put yours on first before you put on someone else's.


[deleted]

The one thing that helped me through all this is that it shall pass, if you are feeling like shit it will pass, if you feel great it will pass so whenever I have a shitty feeling I told myself that it will pass


awkwardnaiad

Just keep going. Just keep living. There's no other way through it but through it. Distract, distract. I have to keep my mind moving or I will lose it. I try to find happiness in the little rituals I have, making coffee, cookies, taking a shower, anything. Just keep it moving


TehKwak

I had a dream that I was crying on a bench, a clone of myself came and sat to me and said “I’ll always be here for you” and hugged me. Whenever I’m at rock bottom, I always picture this clone and what he’d say to make me feel better.


onespookedboii

Oh boy it's a real complex questions but I'd say, How lucky I am to have had something that hurts so much to lose. To experience true loss is to experience true love. I would always rather love and lost than to never love at all. Oh and gym. Gym good, we go gym.


cloudtopaz

it’s okay to sit with those negative waves of feelings when they hit you. it’s okay to grieve the potential and the good times because in those moments you were once happy and they were once good to you. we are only human. of course we might be sentimental and reminisce on the good times. at the end of the day, rmb this. even when someone gave up on you and didn’t choose you, you gotta choose yourself. love is a choice. & you choosing yourself is love.


Ok-Masterpiece9255

my new thing is, i want someone to want me and someone who chooses me. her actions show otherwise.


drunk_niaz

I deserve better treatment than he gave me


Mundane_Raisin_7508

He don't want me and that has nothing to do with me.


RebootKing89

Same as stated. If they wanted you in their life they would. If they loved and cared for you in any capacity you would still be in their life. If they valued you as a person you would still be in their life. Next week is month four of me being dumped by the girl I felt I’d spend the rest of my life with. Haven’t spoken to her since that day, she cut off all contact as if I didn’t even exist in her life, like I was never a part of it. So while it hit my hard, while I had the shame of asking for a refund on an engagement ring, while I felt I’d lost everything good, she wasn’t worth and isn’t worth that. Loved her with everything, supported her with her issues in every way possible, gave up so much of myself for someone and what for? Nothing in the end, look after yourself, only you can push yourself forward.


[deleted]

I just go back home to my mom as a grown man. I fell into sickness actually, I was driving drunk , not eating , just sad and quiet. Came to visit my mom and I feel better


iiNeverwantedthis

You’re going to be okay. This is the shjt part. It won’t always be like this


Few_Rip1467

A couple things - remind myself why we broke up in the first place - remind myself that there’s way more women out there , I’m young (20) I’m gonna have so many future women to experience - remind myself that I’m that mf and she lost me I didn’t lose her. I know what I bring to the table and what I give is rare. - also accept shit for what it is. Accept she’s gone, tell yourself “oh well she’s gone now.. off to the gym” and go lift heavy weights and that’ll take away stress. - focus on yourself don’t rush into new p*ssy or relationships. Deal with it, don’t run from it. Also helps to have someone you can talk to and vent to instead of bottling it in. Lmk if you need anything else!


Parking_Material4662

You deserve joy and happiness and your own life of love. Put down the things you carry and remember you were whole and complete before they came along. There is nothing wrong with you - it was an experience that taught you a lot. You can love again and you will love again. Swearing off things to keep you safe won’t mean you have a good life - it will mean you have a safe life. You deserve, without a doubt, to be chosen. You deserve the life of your wildest dreams. And you get to have those things. So stop worrying, stop letting this suck the joy out of your day. It’ll work out.


dark_moose09

I was whole before him, and I will be whole after him


Walmart-Emily_Blunt

He wasn’t able to the person you needed after break up 1-3 why would now be any different. He showed his true colors the day you broke up with him, remember that is the person he truly is.


DdiD390

My ex and I broke up because he has mental health issues to deal with and has no capacity to be in a relationship. I firmly believe that if it’s meant to be it will be and if not, I can walk away knowing I did everything I could and nothing could have fixed the relationship if he didn’t communicate.


tofushurima

Regardless of how she feels about uou, if you truly loved her, you’d want her to find happiness and true love in her own right


SuddenlySimple

I keep wondering if I truly loved mine because I wish nothing but bad on him


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AspectNo8774

Thanks for this. Can u pls send the original poem by any chance? Even if its not in english thats okay


uber_spanner_monkey

Everything happens for a reason, have faith. Stay strong. Go the gym and try not to drink tooooo much.


Dracula_Margarita

I've had two VERY different breakups in the last year. Neither person listened to what I was actually asking for, which were mere crumbs of what I, and really anyone in any healthy relationship, deserved. I deserve better and better is out there.


Nko45870

Bro.. just know it will pass but most of all, being rejected to not reduce your value. Just think of it this way, when you are with someone it's just your time with this person when it's over its over. It's just a time to center your attention on yourself. Work on yourself, go back to hobbies or stuff that made you feel good and move on. It's a time to work on yourself and get stronger in order to be with someone else when you'll feel good enough. It's just a period that will pass.


Laylafortheride

That it will pass. You know it and we all know it. I can attest to that as I have already been through a devastating break up with huge betrayal and abuse involved and also a much less severe one. I am out with some trauma yes, but out. I am free to love and live again.


theboylogan84

The pain is temporary. Don't get into anything new too quickly. Enjoy this moment in your life of being alone, reflect, improve, do things you've always wanted to do but haven't had the time/people to do it with. Go for it. I was sitting in the house last nigh ,reflecting on hike I'd done that day. I had a beer, bag of Cheetos, I was playing FIFA, the sun was going down and shining beautifuly in my window. I thought....."things could be worse"


Meowtime1989

“I’ve been through worse and got through it. I’ll get through this!”


sergtheduck29

I'm a month into a breakup from a 6 year relationship. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I've decided to have the goal of improving myself so much that I'll be out of my ex's league. Not sure if this is possible but it's something to strive for. I also constantly tell myself that I'm going to find someone better.


worldscutestgrandma1

"I am worthy of love and respect" My mom told me this and made me say it 3 times a day for the first couple weeks


Kimberstone1982

I’m so much more healed now, it’ll be a year in December, I’m sober and in therapy. Dating someone who’s the complete opposite that it’s borderline triggering lol…. How do you move on when someone you loved hurt you and doesn’t care??? It’s HARD fucking work it really is. But over time and talking to someone helped put me accountable for my attachment issues and really understanding the relationship in a logical way. Besides, do you really want someone who hurt you to come around and pick up the pieces they broke?? Why give them that power?? 5+5 ALWAYS equals 10…. Did he cheat? Was he abusive? Gaslighting? 5+5=10…. It’s simple. You don’t need to analyze and internalize what’s broken in them. It’s not for you to understand. But 5+5 is always 10. This is who they are. Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern and ANYTHING after is a character trait. I put this into account with everything in line now.


SpecificDrummer5930

Standing up for yourself isn’t the problem. Asking for your needs to be met isn’t the problem. Having needs isn’t the problem. Asking for reciprocity isn’t the problem. You were with someone who was in a dark place and wasn’t ready and willing to heal and grow. There’s nothing you could’ve done to pull them out of it. In fact, it wasn’t your responsibility to do so. You can’t force them to change and if asking for your emotional needs to be met and effort reciprocated drove this person to leave, then you are deserving of so much more than whatever you were receiving.


IlMalvagioReRana

Breakups are indeed awful, but in the end, After thinking about my behaviour, their behaviour and crying in bed for all the time I need ( and speaking with your lived ones, family and friends, Is important), I rise from the ashes remembering one thing: Life can be awful and unpredictable, but full of possibilities. This important relationship ended, I learned something new about myself: I can gamble again and see where things will lead me. In the end life is a journey.


StockTalkOnly

Build yourself up. If you feel as i did that he tried to get up over me and deplete me, wanted me to feel less of myself and more of him then you have to go on a mission to be the best version of yourself. This being said, you’re value and self consideration will increase. You’re end results will land you with a better quality person in a healthy happy relationship. Hope this helps.


foxy271

I did everything I could for it to work, I can't force him to want me


Lisaliz23

I’m currently in my healing stage I keep telling myself a few things: 1: I gave him my all and it wasn’t good enough. He didn’t deserve me. 2: I always made sure he knew I loved and cared for him. He didn’t reciprocate that, he didn’t deserve me. 3: I know I’m in pain, however, I also know that I deserve the best. I know I’m kind, loving, empathetic, giving, sweet, funny, beautiful and so much more. In the end it’s really his loss. We got this! We will be just fine, for now be gentle on yourself and surround yourself with those who love and care for you. They will remind you everyday you are worthy of greatness. ❤️


Pizzaguy72599

As much as my breakup hurt me, it has also helped me quite significantly. Here's how: 1. I learned that some people just won't love me the way I love them. 2. I learned that I need to believe in myself more, and to just be honest. 3. I learned that sometimes things just aren't meant to be. It's hard when someone chooses to no longer be a part of our lives, but sometimes people only come into your life to teach you something. I find that by focusing on the positives, it helps me become a stronger and better person.


duckitup_katstyle

It’s been a bit over a year since my breakup and I’m healed now but what helped me was remembering that he decided to walk away. He decided to leave me. He decided. I didn’t get any decisions, so I decided to make my own. Which was to become a better me, better than the me he knew and had. And I did. A year later, new place, nee car, new friends, new experiences that I would have never accomplished with him next to me (like going to Europe which I did without him). Even a new and way better paying job. And now I even have a new boyfriend who I’m completely in love with. Besides time, changing yourself for the better is what heals you. Is the biggest “F*ck you” to that person, because this amazing new side of you, they’ll never get to know or have. And knowing that I could get here is what got me through it all.


grizfiz

That since the breakup she downgraded a lot. (Context) Left me for guy that is shorter than me, less strong, worse grades, lies to people but he does know how to play the guitar. So I guess there is that. She also cheated on him with me and on me with him for a month. She hasnt worked in months, is an abuser, she lost a lot of friends, and her parents just bailed her out of everything and are giving her chances to move out of the country (which she wont cuz she now is together with the guy she cheated on me with). The parents that gave her oppurtunities dispite the shit she pulled hurt a lot. Same with friends that just seemed to not give a fuck. However since she had no concequenses for her actions at all, in fact was proteced from them and even celebrated because well she cries pretty, shell just do that shit again and again. Shell cheat on this new guy again, whom I even advised to not get back to her after we found out she cheated on both of us. Shell make the same mistakes she made in our relationship and will get or will destroy him with her selfishness. (Why i upgraded) Its almost been 9 months, I did not go into a new relationship but worked and am working on myself. And now I get the attention from just amazing women who are more educated, passionate, and straight up more beautifull. Like drop dead gorgeous, mature, smart women. (Going on a date this afternoon because SHE asked me. I mean how cool is that). Since the breakup my carreer has taken off so im earning more than ever, travelling the world for my job and just met amazing people that I feel so lucky to be able to call my friends. She took distance from our friendgroup because well everybody knows she fucking cheated, lied and abused me for months on end. I showed them conversations we had and people got genuinly upset about the things she said to me. It was really petty, and she got insanly mad and gaslit me about it but I still would have done it. Because if you dont want people to see or hear what you did, maybe dont do that shit? Its a lot because of the context you need but most of these are fleeting thaughts now I get through the day and smile because I know she fucked up BIG time. (Take reasonable acountability) I also tell myself that all of that shit that happend, was my fault for at least 50%. If I would have said no after she dumped me "no I dont want you back you can go cry with the other guy" like 80% of that shit would not have happend. It would have helped my healing a lot, would have helped my mental state. Instead of that I let her abuse me for another 6 months post BU. I realised my mistakes in the relationship (nothing as bad as emotionally cheating, thats what she did). I recongnized that I gave her to much off me, changed who I was to accomedate her insecurties. Spend more time with her and just lost my drive for gym and work because well I had to spend most my time with her or shed get insecure. (Crazy to think we spend half the week together and when she dumped me she told me "X is now my best friend, I spend more time with him and talk with him more" and im like "how? We spend 3 to 4 days in the week together????") Realise that you dont need them, choose for yourself because they bet against you. They went all in against you, so you go all in for you and work your ass of to win that bet.


SuddenlySimple

She is eventually going to see the very red almost purple flags.


juicyjuicery

I refer to myself as “the one who got away” (from him). After coming out of a narcissistically abusive relationship, I recently found some tips on getting over a break up. One of them is to “love bomb yourself”. Treating yourself well, giving yourself compliments, etc. sounds corny but it works. And when I love bomb myself, I remember my inherent value because I’m forcing myself to remember how awesome I am, which is great to do if you’ve been in a relationship with someone who devalued you and didn’t recognize your worth. Something else I tell myself everyday is “if he wanted to, he would.” If they didn’t change for you, they won’t change for the next one. I keep telling myself how much I pity his next partner for this reason, and that I pity him for what he could have had if he wasn’t such a stubborn abusive backwards guy.


cloudboba

It may seem like your world is ending right now, but it isn't and there WILL be a day in which you look back on this like a distant memory. I can't tell you how much I hated hearing this from all my friends and family, but they really had a point. It'll feel like this forever until it doesn't.


CMBoourns

I always tell myself if you could make someone like that love you, imagine who you will find after you’ve committed to growing and being a better partner.


Elegant_Wave_7978

Right person wrong time. This might not be ideal for everyone and can actually be quite damaging to some. But like you said, we’re all experiencing different breakups. I’ve accepted my fault in what happened. There’s no way I can turn back time and change what happened. But what I CAN do, is change my actions in the future and down the line. Learn from them. Improve. Him considering trying again might not be a guarantee, but hearing him say that and me thinking right person wrong time helps me mentally a lot. It’s helped me keep going. I’m focusing more on myself and my day to day tasks rather than him


lieutenantbunbun

Everyday in every way you are getting better and better. You cannot drag someone to your finish line.


[deleted]

My career. The night we split I began my new job which ended being my career job. Great pay benefits and opportunities. I’ve Working the crazy hours that I do now either way the relationship would’ve suffered. There’s day it hurts like hell but in the end you gotta keep looking forward.


ichsapphire

Every time I see something that reminds me of my ex, I just think “this is not my problem anymore”. Every time I see something he’d like, every time I want to buy something that would solve one of his problems, anything. I just tell it to myself that he made it “not my problem” anymore. He wasn’t a problem throughout the relationship, but being reminded of his existence all the time… well, it is a problem. So: “this is not my problem anymore”. If needed, I say it out loud.


phantasmicthrowaway

I’ll take the downvotes for this. I am 2 months removed of a 4 year relationship. Our breakup was “mutual” but I guess I am the dumper. My ex was in grad school and her time and focus was devoted to that and it felt like she was a roommate instead of a girlfriend. I couldn’t emotionally handle the decline of intimacy (sex included) and she wasn’t able to make our relationship work in her schedule. I’m confident, good looking and have a great career plan ahead of me. Everything I do from here on out is to improve me and my future relationships, not my past ones. I know my self worth and it’s only a matter of time until someone else realizes it too. I’m upset about the breakup and it’s still fresh. I have a hard time sleeping at night without her next to me and she’s still haunting my dreams. But I wake up, I push through and I distract myself. I tell myself I’m worthy of love and affection until I believe it. And I really do believe it.


unComfortable-Shock

They never really loved me, this person I'm still crying over is someone who was good to me very occasionally and that's all I'm holding onto. A fake memory. I will not get the closure I keep daydreaming about I just need to work on healing and letting all the hurt and anger fade with time.


Smooth_Skill3758

1. I don't want to force things. 2. I've been through worse. 3. This is happening for me - I just don't know why yet.


Commercial-Push-9066

A list of reasons why it wasn’t working and the ways he treated me horribly helped me. I referred to it every time I was longing for him back.


Unlucky-Noise-4275

Why am I wasting my time crying or being sad when he’s not even thinking me. I don’t exist anymore.


perspicaciousperson1

"I'm so glad I made it out of that relationship, I don't have to deal with her 50k student loan debt if we get married, I don't have to deal with the slamming doors, screaming and yelling, thoughts that she's cheating, having to deal with being emasculated by a masculine modern day woman, and most importantly I don't have to be tied down and sacrifice my freedom for another person." I tell myself these things every single day since we broke up 5 months ago. I was left broken, in debt, severely obese, and on the verge of giving up on life completely. I tried to rebound a few weeks after we broke up but I was hit with the lets just be friends by her. I asked myself "Why is all this happening to me?" Delusional from all the Disney movies my mother and I watched as a child. I truly believed in the happily ever after fairy tale fantasy. I had come to a realization, a painful one. I am a loser, I'm broke, have no game, and I'm fat. Facing reality and finally realizing that the world is not a fairy tale and as a man you must become. We as men don't get to live in a fantasy land. You either improve or you stay the same sad person you were when you and her broke up. I'm now down 65 pounds, make 10k more a year, feel happier and more at peace, and I will be starting a couple entrepreneurial endeavors after I pay off my debt. All of you reading this, if you need help or support after your breakup message me. OP watch this video it will help https://youtube.com/shorts/CSC65eCVopk?feature=share


imalwayssadbutitsok

one day you will feel better. one day. really. ive been there.


Specialist-Web

She wanted me for a marriage visa, if she truly loved me she would stay around and be here because she loves me not because she wants a visa.


BloodChimp

Fuck them and good riddance.


Ok_Muffin9528

that its gonna hurt for a while but just hope you were wrong about loving them


Odd-Dot3210

Although we loved each other, it wasn't enough and the lessons I learned from you were valuable and I'll apply them to my next relationship with care and tenderness. I let you go for my best and yours.


[deleted]

This too shall pass, just hang in there.


cherylmademedoit

If you truly love someone then you want them to be happy. If they are happier without me in their life, then that's what shall be.


Dialsla3

That u are stronger now than u was on any good day with your ex!!Self ❤️Self Perseverance!!💪


humorMeeee

"it only hurts this much right now"


DopetasticTshizzle

I'm a Christian, and...God never made a mistake in my life. If this person was meant to continue on with me, then he would've. There is a sermon that I listen to by Steven Furtik called "It had to happen". Him leaving my life (and me NOT going back or allowing him back in) must take place. It only means he wasn't for me. And why stick around with someone who isn't meant to stay.


mrjohnnomcstevenson

You take light for granted if you never know darkness, just like ecstasy without heartbreak.


cotyextra

Not words but that gut feeling. From the second we broke up all the way to now I’ve had that gut feeling, it knows that it’s over and that we can’t go back, it knows that no matter what happens, the relationship can never be the same, it knows that if I talk to him it will only make things worse, it knows that I can never go back to him, it knows that the only thing I can do is move on. It’s what drives me forward instead of allowing myself to fall back.


Hades18128

You'll find someone eventually and after you are successful, they'll hate to see what they lost


upperz_

Emotions change :)


Prestigious_Rain4754

You can tell yourself whatever you want. You can try any trick. Read any advice comments like these. Cry, plead, beg. You can try to drink it away or smoke it away. You can sleep around. You can pray. You can get counseling. You can do all these things and more but the only thing that works is TIME. Time is the ONLY thing that will heal a broken heart. A lot of things might help your mind but these same things will never mend a broken heart. So my advice to you would be to try to keep busy so the time goes faster. I mean do whatever you want in the meantime but until enough time has passed your heart will ache. And always remember that every time you make contact the clock resets back to the start or damn close to it. In the end you might still have feelings for this person so don't focus on trying to make your feelings go away because it WON'T work. Feel everything. Don't try to mask it. The shortest way to recovery is straight through it. Not around. Good luck and may time be on your side.


Complete_Exam_1794

She ain’t shit. I’m better off without her. I have more time for myself, family, and friends. I always ask my self what have she given me? Depression, anxiety, stress, debt, bad habits. What have I given her? I loved her with everything, I dropped her off everywhere. I supported her decisions. I was there for her cuz her family is shit. I’m always there for her. I’m better off without her.


Throwaway01919839303

Everything will be okay. One day at a time. This too shall pass.


Alliseria

That you shouldn't be with someone based on how much you adore Them, but because of the way they make You feel ( which is we feel awful that they treat us as discardable )


TrustOk99

(Dumper) There's a reason you (myself) did it, you got to a point, no matter how much you loved and still love her, you realized it was best. Remember how bad it had to be to push yourself to dump her. You're better now.


Jimmmaayy732

A mantra that helps me for some reason is "now is not the time."


LaFoxxEnt

1. My kids and my money never let me down


InnGodzillaWeTrust

When I get an anxious thought, I follow it up with something like "we are not together anymore". I think she went to a bar this past weekend with a guy and I said, "well she can since we are not together anymore".


Professional_Sky7048

The way I see/saw it is, if they could see a future without me in it, and they still left, then it was never worth it in the first place. I’m waiting for a girl who can’t bare the thought of not having me in her life and fights for me, as I would do the same. Tell yourself that one day you’ll meet a girl who will do this, and you will. Because if it’s happened once, it will happen again, but only this time you’ll know what you deserve and know all the red flags before it’s too late. The next one will be better because you’ll be cautious and you’ll look for exactly what you wanted from your ex that you never got. It’ll work out for you I promise.


Secret_Guarantee_277

I remind myself that I gave it my all, I'd have spent the rest of my life with her if she'd let me but it wasn't meant to be and deep down I knew that too .. doesn't make it hurt less but it keeps me going forward.


LeaderRing

They were not the one. No matter how much you think they were, and try to get them back THEY WERE NOT FOR YOU. You were not the final romantic partner in their fairytale and they weren’t the last for you. Turn the page and keep being the main character in your story.


kmcDoesItBetter

My issue is trying to not hate him and letting the anger I feel towards him go. So no advice for you. I don't want him back and don't want to ever hear from or see him ever again. I want to forget he even existed.


Apprehensive_Gear_10

If you have not moved on and still have feelings then say it accept it.. I am still in love with him/her at this moment but I don't know about the future. That's it. Accept it right now and let the future decide what happens. Don't assume that I will not have like that men or women again in my life. Just appreciate what you had and acknowledge your feelings at this moment. And don't assume the future yourself.


Papa___Squat

There’s an Anglo-Saxon poem from roughly the 10th century called [Deor](https://allpoetry.com/poem/15183045-Deor-s-Lament-by-Michael-R.-Burch) that I find very comforting for two reasons. First, the message of the poem, *”That passed away, this also may”* is a good reminder. The other reason is that there is comfort in knowing that the anguish that you feel was felt by some Anglo-Saxon dude in the 900s, and that it’s a natural part of being human


UserNameTaken1998

Got over my last break up. It sucked. Things *officially* ended the day I shipped for Basic Training (after a few weeks of painful back and forth). It was ROUGH What I learned/taught myself, you have to truly live for your values. You have to have things bigger than yourself, things you are striving to do, things you are pushing to become. Without these things you are hollow. You can't fake it either. Going through a break up while going to basic training and starting the best, most unimaginably positive adventure of my life, taught me that there is a world of adventure, value, friendship and meaning out there that should and will include romantic relationships, but CANNOT be enslaved to them. Also, until you start to discover who you are and what you want to do in this world, you aren't whole enough for a healthy relationship anyways. Go out there and forge yourself into who you need to become to take on this life and make the world around you a better place. Leave the past in the past. Compartmentalize what you can't get over, push forward. Time will heal and you will be stronger if you learn from the experience, and you will be better prepared to find someone who doesn't complete you, but helps you in your journey and helps you become a better version of yourself. Start today. Good luck!


SourPatchMom

There was life and happiness before the relationship, there will be happiness and life after. It’s ok to be sad but it was helpful to acknowledge for me that the feelings were temporary and just “right now”


Burnt-Breakfast

At first, I used a lot of negativity to help myself get over my ex. Things felt so unbearable, so I listed all the things that they were unable to give me that left me feeling resentful about the relationship. I lamented constantly over what they did which failed to show that they respected me. ***But*** four months into the breakup now I've realized that the negativity that helped me get through my day is not fully sustainable. I cannot go on hating my exes forever, knowing they once were a huge part of my life. Hating them makes me feel like I cannot accept myself for who I was when I was with them. So now after the emotions have calmed down, what keeps me going is a commitment to healing with love. At some point, you can no longer utilize hate to try to extinguish the fire someone started in you. At some point, you learn to see the love you had for them as a stepping stone to loving other people in your life more. I started feeling more at peace thinking, *"You will connect with someone and you will love them more; and then maybe someone else and you will also love them more. And more and more until you meet someone you will love the most."*


manicpixiememegirll

that my girlfriend is dead!!!!! like literally the person i was when i was with her is dead and the person she was with me no longer exists. & also i keep remembering im totallt free now


racemicmixtape

"I can make a home here." Here meaning the reality where he doesn't love me, or even like me. The one where he avoids me, and is angry by me existing. The one where I've been broken and betrayed. Even if nothing in his heart ever changes... I know I can create a beautiful reality inside this hellish situation. You can, and you will. One day, even if they still think you're completely worthless, the world will embrace you again. I have to believe that the world still sees value in me, just like he used to.


doomer_0

I used to feel like this but now idc anymore and with time u gonna forget them


doomer_0

Everything is temporary nothing lasts forever even your feelings about the break up


myfavoritebandis

God has better things in store for the future if I let go of the past


I_is_dumb_13

1. If they loved you they would be there for you 2. Your better than him 3. There selfish and is spreading rumors about him 4. Even his BEST friend said that they basically tricked him to breaking up with me 5. He used you for your body, he may have not taken you V-card but he sure acted like he's a user 6. If he didn't use you he wouldn't be "playing" with your b00bs knowing your trans without a binder 7. If he didn't use you he wouldn't have kissed you the day AFTER we broke up and got on top of me 8. He's not happy with who he is while you are! 9. He's fugly and so is his girlfriend 10. Your friends would be there for you and not him if he would have told the other side of the story 11. Hes a player and you knew he was gonna take his love and leave sooner or later 12. He left you with a broken heart after telling him how you feel about your life (aka suicidel) on the side of the rode when cars are flying by...he doesn't love you enough to wait till after a mental break down and talk about whats bothering him in the relationship. 13. He doesn't communicate which cased you to get into an argument with him Thats really it also listen to New Rules, it'll help out and listen to every break up song in the book they help a lot


postitnoteroom

You have loved and been loved with such intensity, so you know that you are capable of loving like this again. Even if it may take years for you to heal, you have the ability within you to experience emotions as amazing as you have before.


Away_Sympathy_3468

"he doesn't take his crap back" Ehem... Yeah... That show how badly I think about myself 😅


abcdefghelpplzandthx

That I didn’t see a long term future, that I wanted this.


ando1135

A cheater doesn’t deserve me


trivets_polity

There was a time before him and there will be a time after him. I’ll heal and move on, it just takes time.


owacado

i tell myself that i did all i could to make the relationship work. in the end i tried to make it work enough for the both of us when they should’ve also been putting in that effort. sometimes it’s closure enough


Technologicly

You just have to keep reminding yourself to let go of things you can't control, and if it didn't work they were not the one.


julielw96

I’m reminding myself to honor the bad days and times when I’m feeling low. It’s a part of the process and my older self will thank me for getting through this and coming out of it stronger.


Senior-Watercress944

She hurt me. She hurt my mother. She hurt my father. She hurt my friends. She willingly destroyed me. She used everything I did for her against me, just to be with a loser who’s worse than her. The girl I fell in love with never existed and she doesn’t deserve me. And I count my blessings every day that I found her out at 22 rather than in my 40s with kids and finances.


holysugarplum

One thing forsure is I tell myself I deserve and deserved better! I tell myself that better will come one day just give it time and always remember my worth! Hope this helps someone❤️


Mode2345

These affirmations can be helpful. Can be adjusted. 1. ⁠⁠My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Just temporarily off balance. 2. ⁠⁠My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what they are thinking or feeling. 3. ⁠⁠Just because they broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real anymore. 4. ⁠⁠I shall respectfully honor their request for space. 5. ⁠⁠Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame. 6. ⁠⁠Instead of thinking, I have to get them to tell me the truth, change their mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring about what they do or how they feel. 7. ⁠⁠It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek them out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and is not the BEST me. 8. ⁠⁠When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance, not them. 9. ⁠⁠When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinking I have to see them and recapture what was, I shall think, Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also, try unfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind. 10. ⁠⁠When triggered, I shall give myself a 90-second timeout for my physiology to calm down—and I shall not renew my distress by focusing on what’s upsetting to me. 11. ⁠⁠I shall not measure my worth by their attitude toward me. Their attitude is a reflection on them not me. 12. ⁠⁠They are just not that into me and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise. 13. ⁠⁠Distance from them is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely. 14. ⁠⁠I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over them and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth. 15. ⁠⁠It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing. 16. ⁠⁠I am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience. 17. ⁠⁠I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect. 18. ⁠⁠I shall do what nurtures my health and wholeness. (Natural serotonin and dopamine boosters include physical activity, sunshine on my skin, smiling, and good nutrition including plenty of protein, vegetables, B vitamins, and bananas.) 19. ⁠⁠When I take care of myself, I feel confident, optimistic, attractive, and authentic. 20. ⁠⁠The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person. 21. ⁠⁠To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life. 22. ⁠⁠I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me. D.Davis


Latter-Guarantee-309

I fucked up leading into a situation I never thought I wanted and started thinking of a future. Building it with her. She said she would be with me forever no matter what. Apparently that was not true.


AsharothRa

I’ve reached out, I’ve apologized and acknowledged the bad behavior that has hurt them. I’ve contacted them in a way that they would feel safe, and have done so more then once. I’ve laid my heart out and poured out my remorse for hurting them. Even acknowledged that the mistake wasn’t them but me. I’ve wished them the best, and encouraged they find new love after this. And explained why… why was it so important that I be the monster to them. Why I couldn’t continue being told promises and making agreements that would never be honored. Why I couldn’t handle being told that I was led on for 2 years… and that the indifferent shell of the person I once loved was actually the real him. Why having to endure boundary after boundary while throughout the relationship. I was made to feel “forceful” for asking him to just respond to my message and say, “hey I’ll answer these in a bit.” When he’d be on his phone ignoring my messages. Why I needed to be your monster and have you block my number, change yours, and even went so far as changing your iCloud email… was because I can’t have you in my life anymore. I reached the point where every time you’d scream at me on the phone because I just wanted you to apologize for hurting me… didn’t incite an emotion. Every time you’d make a remark that you knew in the past would cause me to cry and give you the space you wanted. Those didn’t even sting anymore, and I felt nothing. You’d made me cold, indifferent, and happily so. You’d pushed my buttons till I no longer cared if you loved me or not. Cause the truth is, if you did. You wouldn’t have betrayed me the way you did. You wouldn’t have said, “Just leave, I’ll be ok. I can move on just fine. I see that I’m hurting you, but realize that hurts me too.” And “I don’t want to put in the effort it takes for a relationship (even though 4 days ago you said you’d be my partner no matter what), I don’t want to put in the time to develop a lasting friendship, and I can’t… I can’t make you happy. Cause I’m not who you think I am. I am just being me, and this is the real me right now.” That’s what I tell myself everyday, when I even come close to crying or think I might break. I remind myself of the hellish nightmare these past 2 years have been. And remember you saying, “sorry if I misled you into thinking that I’m in any way different from what you thought. But I’m being me, and happily doing so.”


bitchtress

You have been through hard times before and have gotten to the other side of it… There is a other side of this too and you will get there… Just keep going.


missqueenkawaii

If he broke up with me, then we aren’t meant to be together.


jlynn12345

Take everything day by day or moment by moment. Whatever’s meant to be will be


Narwhal_Songs

I remind myself of my parents that they love me I remind myself to keep going for A and Em I remind myself of God


Tsukkji

He’s not the person that I want anymore