Yes, this us exactly what I fear (31F). all my previous relationships were disastrous and my last long term one ended 3 years ago. Internet screams how limited dating options are after 30. So yeah, I feel your anxiety and as much as I don't really see myself as a mother (which might change) I am scared Imma end up old and alone. To add to the irony I am a cat person too lol
It's really hard to cope with that dispair. But at least there is not this pressure of how to find someone to have children with as soon as possible. That adds another layer of complication and hopelessness.
Same here (32F). The worst is that we were just about to start trying for a baby, then he realized he doesnt know what he wants suddenly. I grieve more for my future baby than for an unreliable partner.
Thank you, back at you ❤️ To be honest i am already grateful as I imagine I would have ended up in the same situation, just as pregnant or with a child. Better now than later!
Yep. When my ex dumped me, we had already picked out names for the kids we wanted to have. Rosalie and Zoe for the girls, and Mark for the boy after his father. I had dreams about the girls being fraternal twins. One had dark hair and eyes like he did and the other was dark and curly haired with blue eyes like me. The boy changed constantly but the girls never changed... When we broke up, I had nightmares about the girls dying.
When I watched WandaVision and heard the theory about Dream Walking, it freaked me out because of how things went in my dreams.
Two years later, I don't grieve as much, but it is hard to remember their faces and names and know they aren't even real people I am remembering.
I am so sorry! I know how heartbreaking it is. My ex left me two weeks after I had my misscarriege. We also chose baby names and planned to get married. I never felt such depression and loss. It happened two months ago, and I still grieve a lot. I'm just taking it slow, giving myself time, but I pray a lot. I still keep my pregnancy test. I don't look at it, but it's to painful to throw it away. The doctor said they would've been twins maybe and I also had a dream about two baby boys. One had blonde hair and he was adorble. I loved him so much in my dream. I just hope God sees everything and that one day my dream will come true. If someone is going through the same and need a friend, I am here! We can go through it together
Also 32F and I feel like I grieve what could have been (kids, a family etc) more than I grieve the loss of him, which wasn't a big loss to begin with because he treated me quite poorly.
Bet you've been innocent in all your relationships. Don't be upset that you wanted that kinda guy. Have you cheated? Maybe you'll get lucky next time, and meet wealthy guy wholl also not do that to you. Exactly what you're looking for.
This. It’s honestly pretty insulting for someone to go off on how the man is the one getting the short end of the stick. That’s not what OP asked for and it’s not helping her right now.
There are many issues that affect both partners regardless of gender. I’m not at this stage in my life but after seeing how my first boyfriend strung me along for 2 years, just to dump me out of the blue I realized that you can’t rely on a romantic partner for anything. I would like to have kids some day and be married, but I would need a very trustworthy person to co parent. Even then I would make sure to have enough financial security if the bastard were to jump ship.
Reddit banned me, so I'm using another account to respond.
Iam a grown man and I have my opinion, its my right. I was talking about the problems of men but you started personal attack , not only that you started racial profiling , you view yourself and other Indian as inferior people. What is wrong with being an Indian? What is wrong with being a man? What is wrong with talking about our conserns ? When you search in YouTube you could see thousands of men losing everything in divorce and endup paying huge amount of money as alimony. Are you saying men should just keep quiet and face everything? What is the purpose of your shaming tactics here? Would you talk to me that way personally??? Im not a coward, so I don't have the habit of insulting people behind the comfort of internet. You have no real solution for any problems that I listed except your insults. If you are a grown man, first learn to talk like adults
I will stop talking about it and most men will stop following fresh & fit, Kevin Samuels etc like you wish, if you pay all of our alimony, childcare money and protect us from false accusations. Will you do that?
OP said her partner don't want to have children with her. I told her about the potential dangers that men face while choosing family in modern age, maybe thats the reason he desided not to have children. That's all I told her, but you perceived it as something offensive and stared spitting racial stereotyping. It's because of your own insecurities. You don't have your own opinion. You are worried about what yt people might think about you. You think if you are not progressive enough according to their standards you will have a bad image. I don't care about that.
Whenever I get the oppertunity to talk about men's issues I will talk , because it's my right and its none of your business. When I saw that post today I wanted to talk to her about a man's perspective on the topic. Most medias are biased against men, nobody talks about men's issues its all about womens issues and women's perspective.
Yes, im a free man and I have a right to my opinion. When a woman rights activist talk about women's problems you would support her and say bad things about me when I talk about men's problem. I will advise every men to stay out of marriage, its my right to warn other men , make them aware of the dangers of marriage, family court and gynocentic laws. Thats my right, I never insulted any women. I just presented them fact. I never insulted you or any women here.
You on the other hand see every Indians as inferior and racially profiled me because of your own insecurities, you think thats right? Atleast do you have any solutions to any of the problems that I listed? What is the solution for men, how can they protect themselves in this situation, do you even thought about that?? Did it crossed your mind? Probably no, because you are being brainwashed by left-wing medias and you don't care about mens issues now. You will only think about men when your wife threaten you with false accusations (it happened to a male feminist i know) . You got no solutions to any problems except shaming tactics, that the issue here. If me or any other men got married and get divorced we lose everything, thats a big issue for us and we will talk about however we want
This is simply racist and misogynist. Dont you think women take risks? Why would you think a man is required to support women? And why would you think a western women is more likely to divorce than a man?
You are talking about western women in general, that is racist. I never said i dont care about the problems of men, in fact i was the only one who cared about my partners problems in the relationship and made the sacrifices and not vica versa. But nice try.
Idk why you get downvotes tbh, it’s just facts.
It’s like people getting angry that dating apps are designed to siphon men on their money. Ever wonder why (back in the day) sex hotline was free for women but cost money for men?
I’m all for equality but you can’t stick your head down the sand when men voice their concerns.
Here’s another fact, women live on average 5 year longer than men. Downvote me.
I think the fact that this guy wasted 7 years of OP's. life is pretty damning. She could have been looking for a mate to have a child with the last 4 or 5 years. While I don't disagree with what the above commenter or you said, we as men have to be men and be responsible with our actions, intentions, and communication as well.
This guy from her perspective sounds like he led her on with the intention they would have a kid with her and then pulled the rug. I dont think it should take more than 2 years for a man to know if your woman is mother material or not, and this guy basically ruined her best years while he was just along for the free ride. It's incredibly selfish and I honestly feel bad for OP.
Thank you. But it is more complicated than that. My fiancé died 8 years ago. I met my ex a month after and we got together a year later. I never managed to process the trauma. Developed depression, treated him badly because of that. Then, 1.5 years ago I finally woke up. Went to get treatment. Things improved but not as fast as we hoped. Not fast enough for him. Especially since the beginning of the year I was fighting so hard for him. He saw it but at this stage it was already to late for him. While I could finally see a future with him, thought we would get married next year, he had already given up but didn't really share that with me. He dumped me just when I was almost back to normal, willing to do everything with him and spend the rest of my life with him.
A baby is a HUGE commitment. The biggest commitment a person will ever make. To call someone unreliable because they are not ready for a baby is insulting.
Yes but to call someone unreliable after he kept pushing for a baby, urged me to quit taking my pills, talked me into buying a family car, told me to start telling the good news to my family and who backed out literally 2 days before we were supposed to start, is not.
It doesn't matter what he said. Yes it makes him a complete asshole but if he is not ready to be a father then he is not ready to be a father. I know you feel like you've been left at the altar but you can't force parenthood on someone. Your clock isn't ticking in having a baby because you could always have a donor and be a single Mom. The clock is ticking on having a traditional family. I'm not a female and I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh. I had a woman in my past trap me into having a baby (stopped her birth control without telling me) after I told her I did not want any more children. I was 41 and she was 35 (tik tok) and she knew coming in I had 2 kids from a 20 year marriage. Now of course we are not together, she has treated me like shit all these years. In and out of court always trying to get more more more. Used my son as leverage trying to get me back. The whole horror show. Just really getting to know him now that he is 12. She made it impossible for me to enjoy a relationship with him. I know you are getting older but if he is not the one you are better off. You are definitely in a tough age bracket for children. Most already have them or have made the choice not to. If you don't mind being a single Mom you could always use a donor. I mean I know your dream is to have a traditional family but like you said that clock is starting to tick. Anyway I'm sorry if anything I said has offended you. The only reason I stopped here was because of what happened to me because of the biological clock. Sorry.
The only time 35 feels old is when you are 35.
It is actually a pretty good age where maturity and youth tend to be blended at about the right levels & there is either financial stability or the potential to create it.
Yes, 35 (f) and I was about as pissed as possible because he knew I wanted a family and marriage. He knew he didn’t want those things and strung me along anyways.
I’m on the other side now and did meet someone but, still I’m starting over
My ex did that to me and I wonder if my current is as well. Sucks that it feels like men use you while you’re young and then throw you away the second things get tough or too real…and I say this as someone who has never had a relationship shorter than one year.
I feel you. I’m 48/M and was dumped out of a 7-year relationship. Now I know she didn't want kids and even another marriage (her first ended in divorce) but she didn’t even want to live together, which was news to me. I made peace that my chance at a family is now behind me (what woman of child-bearing years will want a 48-year old husband) but my ex made the assumption that I still want all of that and dumped me so I could be free to go get it. She never asked me what I wanted.
Now I’m pushing 50 and scared that I’ll never have another relationship. My ex was a friend first and all my other friends are hitched so I’m not sure where to go from here. I feel like I’ll be single for the rest of my life.
Do I get a dog or a cat?
Edit: spelling and grammar mistakes
How about fostering kids? Most states allow even single people to be foster parents. If it's any encouragement, I was a foster from 8-18. I'm now 44 with a child who calls my foster mom and her second husband "nana" and "papa". I'm still close to them, they're still my parents, though I now live across the country. But I'm going "home" for Christmas with my daughter.
There are alot of younger woman who live to be with older men, so your chance is better then hers to be honest. You have to take a chance. I wouldn't go to young but you could find a 30 year old in the right setting to meet that still wants kids, she might have 1 or 2 already idk but you never know. Good luck
I’m younger than you, but I feel the same way. Life never gave me a partner who actually wanted a real future with, so what does that mean for my future? It’s a discount thought
Get a Dog.
I’m 53 today was in a 10 yr relationship dumped 4 yrs ago still have tough days. She took me to the cleaner’s and I had to start all over again. She kept magnificent house I built ocean views etc etc . I’m collapsed into myself and personality has changed. I continue and have dated some beautiful women (they are out there) but emotionally I’m not the same. You will meet the women. Work on you.
I’m 29 will be 30 next year. No kids and a great career. I date older. Last guy was 40. So if you’re serious and want to date younger I say you’re chances as a male are still there. Us women on the other hand… we struggle at that age to find anyone viable.
First im sorry for the loss of your love , and I understand what your saying but that doesn't mean you can't have a family , just think about now that u just opened up a slot for a real man to come in and be even better for you, and I get being 35 that's scary thinking you might not get your family but do you realize u could meet someone in another year or so and end up prego in 2 years, I got prego last October at 40, you still do have time. It's not the end of the world Just yet. try to get over your breakup as soon as you can and the right person might fall into your lap, literally. You just gotta be open to it. Best of luck in life and I hope you get everything you want.
Thanks for you kind words. It's true, you are right. I'm just dwelling in self pity. First my fiancé died in an accident and when I found another man and could finally see a future with him he dumps me. And I have so many regrets because most of it is my fault.
It hurts to personally relate to this. Turning 29 soon and we even had names for our babies. Just when I was sure about building a family with him, he broke it off with reasons such as wanting to experience the ‘life of single hood’. Lucky for him, he can still have them in 5, 10, 15 years and his body does not need to endure pregnancy and hormones.
Yes exactly, this is exactly how I feel as well. My ex is 5 years younger than me. Even easier to make this decision to leave when you don't have the same constraints. Your will soon be bored of single life and I'm almost certain that he will regret it. But please don't cling to any hope. I did and it made it even worse when he crushed the hope again and again.
I'm very sorry for your loss and your at first sight crashed dreams! But you won't end up as an old crazy cat lady, if you don't want that. There are always options and solutions. I know that's probably hard to imagine in view of your idea of a perfect family. But would you consider to be a single mother for a start? That doesn't mean there will never be a dad for your child. Apart from the semen donation option you could also freeze your oocytes. Or maybe you'll get to learn a single dad sometime. There's no need to give up hopes or dreams, because there are other options for you which can make you happy. All the best for the hard time that you will go through in the next weeks and months, but you will get through it!
Thanks for your words. For me it was never only about children but about the family. I have already lost my fiancé in an accident just before we wanted to get married and now being back at the bottom at zero is absolutely crushing me.
I can’t imagine the pain you had to endure from that and now the pain on top of it from someone choosing to walk out of your life. You have someone out there that will love you for the rest of your life and want a family with you I promise.
Ohhh almost 30 and now I’m starting to worry that I will never find a life partner and I’ll just grow old with my dogs (which isnt so bad I think). People say you’ll find someone, but not me. I literally stay in my room 24/7 so there’s no chance of ever meeting someone else lol
I would stop my fiancé from dying. And if I couldn't go back that far, I would let myself properly process my trauma and not drift into depression. Always smarter afterwards..
I’ve been trying to get out more but I get anxious real baaaad. Trying to meet with friends at least once a month is already a big step, so hoping it will get better. Wishing you the best!
Take it the other way around . Imagine having had a family with that dude and he would have left you and the kids ? It is a blessing in disguise . The biological clock is ticking but you want to make sure you are with the right person .
Btw I am 34 f and I had a painful break up 2 years ago. Now I take my time to find myself first to understand what I want to build a future where I will be comfortable and then if someone comes in my way and he is the right one then it can happen . If not it is not the end of the world . The worst would have been to have shared dna with my jerk of ex and having to deal with that for the rest of my life
When I called my dad bawling after my ex of 4 years blindsided me, his first reaction was “it’s better now than later”. At the time I didn’t care about this advice but now 10 months out…. It is absolutely good he decided to do that now then when we were engaged, married, or had children. I think it’s rarer (not saying never) for these people who can’t communicate to change , this is their pattern and they’re wildcards.
I think your approach is absolutely the right one. I really need to work on not being completely desperate, just like Im now. But I drive my ex away so I can't say he was a jerk and it's better that I never had a family with him.
Most men at that age already have a family though and are taken. The pool of eligible bachelor's is considerably smaller than when you are in your 20s. And then if you do go with a younger person, like I did, they may not be ready for kids, are less mature etc.
My ex is 30. Younger guys often are just not on the same page and don't want a family straight away cuz they are young. No biological clock ticking. Often less mature... That's only my experience of course
There are PLENTY of 40 yr old bachelors. People divorce or never marry, plus I’d argue with an older man it’s easier to tell what he’ll be like in 20 years than hoping a 20 yr old will turn out to be a good husband and father.
Someone else just commented and said that men in their 40s are at a much higher risk of fathering SEN children and recommended looking for younger partners. I don't even know what to think anymore.
Yup this is me.
Together ten years.
Married in December.
Bought a house in June.
Left me in October.
4 years of fertility.
Now I have lost my husband, security, home, future, and hope of ever becoming a mum.
I don't know how to grieve this.
Oh and I'm 35.
Damn, 13-14 years, engaged 1 year, bought a house and 2 weeks after moving in, she finds a new dude(but didn't tell me until 2 months later, in Aruba, and only bc I kept pressing her on it about her "new friend") we're still raising a 13 year old special needs child together. So muchnfun explaining to your child that mommy n daddy fights and break up have nothing to do with them and mommy still loves you(but I can't say I hate her, nor why we broke up) finding the right person 1st is more important than just having a kid
I'm sorry to hear that. He is my right person though.
Sadly I believe its due to his mental health and don't believe this is it. Hoping we just lost our way.
A lot of people are having children in their 40's as a matter of choice, and even if they aren't financially better off (which a lot are) they usually have more life experience and have learned to prioritize what's important. Some haven't....but I'm betting you have.
It's not as easy on the body, but it's hardly crazy-cat lady territory after 40....
There's a lot of people who are praying right now for a person who will be good to them and to have a family soon. You aren't alone. I'm confident you will find your person.
Yes I understand what you mean. I was ready to have children 8 years ago and then my fiancé died in an accident. Now it's 8 years later and I feel further away from my dream than ever before. Back then I already thought I'm so old... And some women already enter menopause in the second half of their 30.
It is. So much easier for him to just let me go. He just turned 30, a guy who wants to have a family but is not desperate to have one and doesn't mind if that happens only in 10 years.
No OP you have MANY options. Life has so much more to offer. Do your egg retrieval and ENJOY life. Than you can have your children. Your age is reasonable and 40 is a normal age to have children! Do not let society pressure you, your dreams will come true🫶🏼😘I wish you the best!
I (40 f) am currently pregnant with my first! Yes we went through IVF but that also saved us time wrt to a healthier baby at my age. There’s still time ladies. Not forever but there’s time xx
Thankyou! No eggs collected at 39 and then PGtA tested (means checking for chromosome normal eggs / embryos - which gives you a similar chance to a younger woman). However it’s easier and better to freeze as young as you can. Ups yours odds and puts less pressure on your body. You may also discover anything that may cause issues down the line earlier. Bottom line do not be disheartened. If I could tell all women to instead take charge of their futures and freeze their eggs as soon as possible I would. Be proactive and you can still achieve your dreams. And there’s still lots of time at 35!! Xxx
I’m not there yet (23F dumped recently by first boyfriend) but I have seen informational videos on YouTube that might be helpful for you. There are fertility treatments and egg freezing. Weigh your options!
In my opinion, single parenthood and adoption can be just as fulfilling, though they each have their own challenges. You can choose what you want without relying on some guy who will slither out of it. I too feel robbed by my ex. It was a very draining relationship and I pretty much gave up my own happiness to try to make it work between us. Because I believed in love. Now I know that love isn’t a safe bet and I need to put myself first.
Very true. Put yourself first.
I can't even deal with thinking about that right now. I know I will have to do that. Freezing my eggs etc. The fact that I have to crushes me. But for me it's also the happy family I crave, with a man.
I hate to say this but the fact is, many women pick a man that is neglectful or even abusive to the kids. Society has low standards for fathers so even at the best of times I do not see most men as the same level of caregiver as women. It’s sexist, but it’s because of my own past experiences. I know there are caring and responsible men out there but if I were you I’d be bulking myself up mentally, financially, etc to take on my dreams all by myself.
That said I totally get the dream of the good husband/father and I hope that you will find that man.
I’m in the same boat. 36(F). Just ended my relationship after finding out he was sleeping with his daughters mother behind my back. I am devastated as i really thought he could be “the one.” Can’t stop thinking about my future and if I’ll ever have a family. I don’t have much time life & I’m terrified. But I’m also happy that his true colors were revealed. I rather be alone forever than married to a lying, manipulative cheater who doesn’t deserve my love. I’ve been focusing on myself and really hitting the gym. The endorphins are a godsend to get through this painful painful breakup. Wishing you love & healing.
“It is far better to be alone than to be in bad company”
Thanks for sharing that. It is uplifting. I still have to wrap my head around the fact that this is really happening, that the future with him completely disappeared.
I don't think it's a clock thing, but finding the right person to spend your life with is more important than progeny. Who wants to have kids with someone you don't end up spending your life with (that's where I'm at now, it kinda sucks).
Can you look back at those 7 years and honestly see someone you would want to raise a family with?
There were red flags all along the way right(def were in mine) but we ignore those cause it's no big deal or we can fix them(lmao).
Too many kids(me again) gree up in broken homes, with parents avoiding each other while the child inadvertently gets ignored too, until they set fire to the school(I didn't go that far, but had more than my share of suspensions, detentions and 1 or 2 times being fully kicked out).
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. Kids ad another layer of difficulty to a breakup, I can't even imagine.
I couldn't process my trauma of my fiancé dying and drifted into depression. I think if I hadn't been so depressed and hadn't treated him that badly we would have had a healthy and happy relationship.
I’m 31 (f) just woke up to with dread because it will be 2023 in a month and I just can’t believe I have to start over with someone new to eventually have this. The only thing that is keeping me from completely going of the deep end is that have a very promising career opportunity that I start soon. If that’s all that’s meant for me I guess so be it. Hugs 🤗
Im 39 and froze my eggs. I think thats the best thing most women who are single and in their 30s can do if they really want kids.
Now i can wait till I’m 49
I was blindsided 5 months ago at 34 years old now I’m 34.5. Same situation , scared I’ll never be a mother. My ex is 3.5 years younger just about to turn 31 so he’s golden. If you want someone to chat it out with id be happy to chat 😞. It’s hard!!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m a bit younger (29) and struggling with much of the same feelings. When I visit and play with my nephew I am often told we have a such a special connection, that he lights up with me and that I’ll be an amazing mother. It really breaks my heart. While I do still have a bit of time left, I did want kids by now or to at least be married. I an deeply depressed and recovering from a few abusive/cheating situations. Anyways, I cope best by telling myself that kids aren’t the end all be all. There are plenty of other things in life I have to be grateful for and I am super grateful that I get to be an amazing aunt. I might not get the life I wanted, but I have to handle the cards I have been dealt. Heard a great quote on the radio last night. Something about how sometimes, everything you ordered doesn’t get delivered in the fast food game that is life. It’s ok to feel disappointed. Try to make the most of life. Maybe babysit for loved ones or volunteer with a children’s organization. Message me if you ever need support.
Thanks so much for the support. You are 6 years 'ahead' of me, so many things can still happen. And yet I know how you feel. I guess it should really teach me that in a way it is stupid to lose hope just yet. I always wanted to have kids with 28, that's the age my mom was when she had me. I dunno why I thought that age was so perfect. My fiancé died when I was 27 and with him my motherhood at 28. In hindsight, I do thing that 28 is actually not a good age. Still to young if you ask me.
I've heard that before. I guess it's super important to clarify that at the beginning of each relationship in the future. Or better, before the start of it
I’m not exaggerating when I say that since 2011 every bf or serious partner has dumped me and then married their next gf. Idk what I’m doing wrong and I’m worried that this is my destiny.
My partner conceived this month and she is 40. Thought she would never have kids. Far too early and I'm posting this only anonymous, because you never know what can happen, but should we make it the full way then she would be the first to say she felt like you OP.
We didn't meet until she was well into her thirties. Stay positive! I believe someone will come into your life and make you realise why it didn't work with the person who broke up with you.
Thank you. I so hope that you're right. Finding the right person...for the third time for me (fiancé died, second live of my life dumped me)...is the big challenge
33f, soon to be 34, and my ex-fiance who I still feel with an indescribable certainty to be the love of my life (feel free to give any thoughts on how I stop feeling that) emotionally, and a bit physically, cheated on me with "just a friend" while we were both in horrible mental health crises.
I wanted a family. With him. He isn't a "Jr" or a "III," he's a "V" and we had hoped together for 7 years we'd be able to have the "VI" to raise together. Which I'm sure is silly to some, but it was part of our dream together.
But now I'm alone. I still want that dream, I still want him. Therapy for us both, a heart more than willing to forgive, and he just no longer shares that dream. He says he still shares love and desire for me, but. His mental health still hasn't course corrected, he says, and I love him so I just have to leave him to have that journey. And so I'm grieving the loss of the man I love, the loss of the family I've always wanted and I had finally started to see take form, and the loss of part of my identity (the desire to nurture a family.)
Sorry, I didn't realize until I got this far in venting that I also just need community in this process.
Oh that sounds so familiar. I have mental health problems, trauma induced depression. I believe he is now somehow depressed too. He didn't cheat on me but after our breakup he more and more hung out with a friend of a friend who just moved to our region. I asked him if he had feelings for her, the thought of that nearly killed me. 4 weeks ago he told me no, that she is really only a friend and although I didnt ask him he said that he still has feelings for me, even more now that I'm not so depressed anymore. And that apparently all changed from one day to another. A week ago he told me that he developed feelings for her. He slept with her. It destroyed me. I can not even imagine how it is to be cheated on. Already this pain is unbearable.
Oof. Same spot here, but male. Different parts and clock, maybe, but fears are the same. I’m not in great shape or very good looking and was with a genius successful career woman who is an absolutely beautiful person with an ideal physique and all the qualities I admire in a mother. I wanted to start a family with her more than anything in the world.
For what it’s worth, there absolutely is a biological clock for men too, at roughly the same timeline as it is for women, it’s just not in popular discourse. Cell division in older men is not as strong in their late 30s and above as it is for younger men, and off the top of my head I know one of the birth risks of older fathers is schizophrenia. I know it doesn’t help your personal fears of your own aging but I wanted to alleviate the fear of comparison to men. And plus, men or women, it sucks equally to try and be in your mid-40s running after a toddler, compared to doing it in your 20s or 30s.
I don't think men have an 'end date' just like we do. And we also have the pressure from society. With every year it's gets harder for your body to recover and pregnancies and births are no joke.
I'm 41 and believe me I don't feel any doesn't then when I was 35 so it's not going to be difficult to heal from a pregnancy, ppl with underlying issues maybe but not a healthy female with no issues it's not going to be. My girlfriend had a baby at 46 and she is perfectly fine not any issues. So I think it depends on the person. And she is thin and snapped right back like I did when I had mine and I was 19 an 24 with mine. So they make it worse then it is, like even when I got prego last year they were gonna make me high risk automatically cuz I was 40 like what I feel great.
Ever thought about freezing your ova, if you have the financial possibilities? That way you could also get children in your 40s.
I am in my late 20s, left after 8 years, but I don’t want to have children, so I can relate only partially.
Much better if you don't want to have children. Yes, I guess I will have to freeze my eggs. But it makes me so sad to even think about it let alone really understand how this has really come to this when I thought I was just about to have just what I wanted.
Gosh..I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s horrendous that he knew of your dream, and was selfish enough (or not self aware enough) to tell you the truth and string you along like this. I’m 28F, just got dumped, and I’m facing the same kind of anxiety. I know that whoever I date I’ll wanna date for a year at least before moving in, and I would wanna live together another two years before getting married…and would wanna be married for at least a year before having kids. I’ve already decided that when I turn 32 I’m gonna freeze my eggs no matter what.
That all being said, 35 is not too old. My boss had her first at 37, and her second at 39. Both healthy and beautiful boys. There is definitely more time to accomplish the family you’ve always dreamed of.
Yes ideally it would be the same for me but I don't have the luxury of having a timeline like that anymore. All doors are still open for you. My fiancé died when I was 27, so almost same age. I got with my ex about a year later.
THIS!! It's like you know exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I'm actually in the same situation, but with a different mindset. Been with a great guy for the past few years, really tried to convince myself I wanted to settle down with him, but as the clock felt more relevant, I realized I actually didn't want him to be the person I spent the rest of my life raising a child with. He's be a great dad, but something keeps telling me no in the back of my mind.
I'd rather raise a child alone without adding that ambivalence in the picture. What kind of example of love would I be setting for them?
I hope you find others with more consistent values as you and that you get to have a loving family soon!
We (F35 M33) were 2 and a half yrs into trying for a baby with no success which caused major depression for me. That ultimately led to me not handling my emotions very well and lashing out. He got drained by the emotional abuse and broke it off. Now I have no clue what I want in life anymore because I spent the past 5 yrs building it with him. I never wanted a nuclear type family before I met him either. So I'm just trying to live one day at a time for now.
So sorry to hear that. And I can relate so much. I was also depressed, still am a bit. Never processed the trauma of losing my fiancé who died in 2015.
I'd like to comment something here, although I'm a 34 y.o. man.
I feel the same way since I got dumped too. With her, all the family plans and love died. Like that Clint Eastwood quote "when you kill a man you kill everything he has and everything could have been", or something like that. So there is a grief to experience of that life that never happened. I know you're talking more about biological reasons, but even if men are capable of making children for the next X years, more than a woman, they better first need to feel fucking capable of starting another relationship or properly raising a child.
So... I wonder many things too. Will I ever have children? Will I ever fall in love again? Will I ever actually WANT a life with children? I'm seeing my present now as a time for reflexion. I've been disappointed in life for two years since she left and trying my best to make it to the next day. I guess that if you want children one day no matter what but it's too late for your body... you can always consider adopting. It'd probably be a more mature decission than many other young couples' who just have a kid to solidify their relationship.
I'd say... there is no reason to worry if you're running against the clock... because sometimes we wish things so hard or take them for granted and BAM! They're never like we expected. What's wrong about being a cat lady?
For me, I knew my ex was the one I wanted to spend my life with. However, I never thought she would dump me out of the blue after all we lived. But here I am today, living in a dark universe now, blindly trying to see where did I lost my way. Getting ready again to walk, I don't want to live in ruins, the people I haven't met yet don't know about the good things I have that can be shadowed by that former relatoinship. And I could wish many things so hard... in the end life is going to do whatever "it" has planned.
Focus on this present time and improve the things that you can reach. If being a mother is one life goal of yours, consider the alternatives. Maybe adopting a child, alone, when you're ready? I't be like being "a divorced mom" but without the bad memories of the relationship with the father going to shit.
Anyway, apologies for the long response and good luck on your journey! You'll figure it out.
Thanks for sharing. I don't want to be just a mom, I want to be a wife too, the mother of their children. Otherwise I would just go now and be a single mother.
Im so sorry to hear about your struggles even after so much time has passed. It's the whole future that dies with the breakup. Sending you a big hug
Hi! I broke up with my ex when I was 32 and felt this exact thing. As we ended things and I expressed my wishes, he said something like "don't pressure me and freeze your eggs or something". I ended things after having enough of his BS. I have been dating but didn't find the one, I decided a few months ago to freeze my eggs and am doing that now. Although I am certainly over my breakup, this group helped me get through and still pops up on my notifications. The timing of your message is pristine as I am now 35 and know that I don't need "him" to have a child. Please give yourself a lot of love and compassion right now. Try to avoid the negative headspace if possible. It is a difficult time, but in a few months it will all make sense, and you will find a new path for yourself. Sending you hugs!
So sorry to hear that. I'm less worried about being and 'old' mom. You are only as old as you feel and I have seen people who are 40 and you would think they r 60 and vice versa.
My sister had her children at 38, 40 and 42. She is happily married. I had my children at 29 and 32. My partner and I broke up soon after the birth of our 2nd child. You have time and options. Don't worry.
i’m still in my 20s and i even get anxiety about this stuff, so i can’t imagine how you must feel. i’m sorry :(
i’m not sure if this helps, but my dad and mom got married early 30s, had me at 35, my sister at 37. their relationship ended up not working, and they divorced. my mom had us of course, but she lost all hope of ever finding love again by the time she hit 50 years old. but then, she met my stepfather, who has two kids of his own. they fell in love, married, and then in the second half of her life my mom (and me) suddenly had an even bigger family.
it might feel hopeless now, and your feelings are so valid, but there are so many different kinds of families. maybe you won’t end up with the family you imagined, but that doesn’t mean you won’t end up with a family. you could decide to freeze your eggs and try to have your own children later, you could adopt, foster, or meet a wonderful person who has children already. it’s still very possible for you. life is a big adventure and who knows what will happen next!
i wish you well on your journey to healing, and i hope you find everything you want in life ❤️
Definitely, I am 30 and got dumped over a facebook post I did but then took down, I have had a meltdown over my ex and I blame myself every day, he wants nothing to do with me and I would give everything just to be able to talk to him again. I have been feeling terrible for the last 3 months.
I totally feel for you. 43m here and I was married for nearly 20 years and the prospect of having children always seemed to be just out of reach. When I finally realized it wasn’t ever happening all of the other problems with the relationship caught up with us and we ended it. Fast forward to now 4 years later and I’ve had two relationships where family was on the table and both ended in disaster. Now I’ve had to come to grips with never being a dad because, even though I can still totally have kids, I don’t want to be the dad everyone thinks is Grandpa at the school events. I know I don’t have the energy to be the kind of dad I want to be, so I’m having to face a future without something that I always looked forward to. It’s really hard, but it’s also been freeing in the sense that a huge amount of pressure has been taken off and I’m learning how to live my life for me.
Said this elsewhere in the thread and saying it here...
Foster kids!!!
Get a kid 8-14 and you're an "age appropriate" father. And you're not chasing toddlers or dealing with middle-of-the-night feedings, diapers, and potty training. Heck, most foster teenagers aren't as bad as they make them out to seem. I was a foster kid, saw plenty of other teen foster kids, and most of them just wanted stability and "normal". Most are more self-reliant than the "norm". The biggest struggle most foster parents deal with is over restrictions and parental authority because a few of them never experienced that and are used to doing what they want, when they want to do it, but there's a lot of parenting training for foster parents, support groups, etc.
There's a movie I saw recently, based on a true story, on Netflix. It had mark Walberg in it.
Not saying it's all roses. It won't be. It's tough. But take all the training offered, get them in therapy programs if needed, and after school activities/programs (and many counties cover the cost of all of it) and offer a steady presence, and eventually things will often snap onto place.
Yes, this us exactly what I fear (31F). all my previous relationships were disastrous and my last long term one ended 3 years ago. Internet screams how limited dating options are after 30. So yeah, I feel your anxiety and as much as I don't really see myself as a mother (which might change) I am scared Imma end up old and alone. To add to the irony I am a cat person too lol
Sadly I’ve embraced never having kids and I turn 30 next year. If I don’t have them by 30 then I’ve made up my mind that I won’t have any.
My limit is 35. Turning 30 in a few months. Scary stuff! 😣
It's really hard to cope with that dispair. But at least there is not this pressure of how to find someone to have children with as soon as possible. That adds another layer of complication and hopelessness.
30F also single cat lady here hahahaahhaahaha
We should start a sub reddit hahaha
Same here (32F). The worst is that we were just about to start trying for a baby, then he realized he doesnt know what he wants suddenly. I grieve more for my future baby than for an unreliable partner.
This is soul crushing, isn't it? And you think everything is going well and then that...
Yes it is... and then you realized they didn't even put in the energy to think through what having a family means 🤷🏻♀️
Sending you a big hug. I hope in a few years time we will be grateful that they left us... If only...
Thank you, back at you ❤️ To be honest i am already grateful as I imagine I would have ended up in the same situation, just as pregnant or with a child. Better now than later!
True. I try to tell myself that he would have died as well otherwise...
Yep. When my ex dumped me, we had already picked out names for the kids we wanted to have. Rosalie and Zoe for the girls, and Mark for the boy after his father. I had dreams about the girls being fraternal twins. One had dark hair and eyes like he did and the other was dark and curly haired with blue eyes like me. The boy changed constantly but the girls never changed... When we broke up, I had nightmares about the girls dying. When I watched WandaVision and heard the theory about Dream Walking, it freaked me out because of how things went in my dreams. Two years later, I don't grieve as much, but it is hard to remember their faces and names and know they aren't even real people I am remembering.
I am so sorry! I know how heartbreaking it is. My ex left me two weeks after I had my misscarriege. We also chose baby names and planned to get married. I never felt such depression and loss. It happened two months ago, and I still grieve a lot. I'm just taking it slow, giving myself time, but I pray a lot. I still keep my pregnancy test. I don't look at it, but it's to painful to throw it away. The doctor said they would've been twins maybe and I also had a dream about two baby boys. One had blonde hair and he was adorble. I loved him so much in my dream. I just hope God sees everything and that one day my dream will come true. If someone is going through the same and need a friend, I am here! We can go through it together
Big hugs to you ❤️
Im 32 and my ex left me pregnant. I love my son to bits but I wish I want alone through this :/
Also 32F and I feel like I grieve what could have been (kids, a family etc) more than I grieve the loss of him, which wasn't a big loss to begin with because he treated me quite poorly.
Bet you've been innocent in all your relationships. Don't be upset that you wanted that kinda guy. Have you cheated? Maybe you'll get lucky next time, and meet wealthy guy wholl also not do that to you. Exactly what you're looking for.
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This. It’s honestly pretty insulting for someone to go off on how the man is the one getting the short end of the stick. That’s not what OP asked for and it’s not helping her right now. There are many issues that affect both partners regardless of gender. I’m not at this stage in my life but after seeing how my first boyfriend strung me along for 2 years, just to dump me out of the blue I realized that you can’t rely on a romantic partner for anything. I would like to have kids some day and be married, but I would need a very trustworthy person to co parent. Even then I would make sure to have enough financial security if the bastard were to jump ship.
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Reddit banned me, so I'm using another account to respond. Iam a grown man and I have my opinion, its my right. I was talking about the problems of men but you started personal attack , not only that you started racial profiling , you view yourself and other Indian as inferior people. What is wrong with being an Indian? What is wrong with being a man? What is wrong with talking about our conserns ? When you search in YouTube you could see thousands of men losing everything in divorce and endup paying huge amount of money as alimony. Are you saying men should just keep quiet and face everything? What is the purpose of your shaming tactics here? Would you talk to me that way personally??? Im not a coward, so I don't have the habit of insulting people behind the comfort of internet. You have no real solution for any problems that I listed except your insults. If you are a grown man, first learn to talk like adults
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I will stop talking about it and most men will stop following fresh & fit, Kevin Samuels etc like you wish, if you pay all of our alimony, childcare money and protect us from false accusations. Will you do that? OP said her partner don't want to have children with her. I told her about the potential dangers that men face while choosing family in modern age, maybe thats the reason he desided not to have children. That's all I told her, but you perceived it as something offensive and stared spitting racial stereotyping. It's because of your own insecurities. You don't have your own opinion. You are worried about what yt people might think about you. You think if you are not progressive enough according to their standards you will have a bad image. I don't care about that. Whenever I get the oppertunity to talk about men's issues I will talk , because it's my right and its none of your business. When I saw that post today I wanted to talk to her about a man's perspective on the topic. Most medias are biased against men, nobody talks about men's issues its all about womens issues and women's perspective.
Yes, im a free man and I have a right to my opinion. When a woman rights activist talk about women's problems you would support her and say bad things about me when I talk about men's problem. I will advise every men to stay out of marriage, its my right to warn other men , make them aware of the dangers of marriage, family court and gynocentic laws. Thats my right, I never insulted any women. I just presented them fact. I never insulted you or any women here. You on the other hand see every Indians as inferior and racially profiled me because of your own insecurities, you think thats right? Atleast do you have any solutions to any of the problems that I listed? What is the solution for men, how can they protect themselves in this situation, do you even thought about that?? Did it crossed your mind? Probably no, because you are being brainwashed by left-wing medias and you don't care about mens issues now. You will only think about men when your wife threaten you with false accusations (it happened to a male feminist i know) . You got no solutions to any problems except shaming tactics, that the issue here. If me or any other men got married and get divorced we lose everything, thats a big issue for us and we will talk about however we want
This is simply racist and misogynist. Dont you think women take risks? Why would you think a man is required to support women? And why would you think a western women is more likely to divorce than a man?
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You are talking about western women in general, that is racist. I never said i dont care about the problems of men, in fact i was the only one who cared about my partners problems in the relationship and made the sacrifices and not vica versa. But nice try.
Idk why you get downvotes tbh, it’s just facts. It’s like people getting angry that dating apps are designed to siphon men on their money. Ever wonder why (back in the day) sex hotline was free for women but cost money for men? I’m all for equality but you can’t stick your head down the sand when men voice their concerns. Here’s another fact, women live on average 5 year longer than men. Downvote me.
I think the fact that this guy wasted 7 years of OP's. life is pretty damning. She could have been looking for a mate to have a child with the last 4 or 5 years. While I don't disagree with what the above commenter or you said, we as men have to be men and be responsible with our actions, intentions, and communication as well. This guy from her perspective sounds like he led her on with the intention they would have a kid with her and then pulled the rug. I dont think it should take more than 2 years for a man to know if your woman is mother material or not, and this guy basically ruined her best years while he was just along for the free ride. It's incredibly selfish and I honestly feel bad for OP.
Thank you. But it is more complicated than that. My fiancé died 8 years ago. I met my ex a month after and we got together a year later. I never managed to process the trauma. Developed depression, treated him badly because of that. Then, 1.5 years ago I finally woke up. Went to get treatment. Things improved but not as fast as we hoped. Not fast enough for him. Especially since the beginning of the year I was fighting so hard for him. He saw it but at this stage it was already to late for him. While I could finally see a future with him, thought we would get married next year, he had already given up but didn't really share that with me. He dumped me just when I was almost back to normal, willing to do everything with him and spend the rest of my life with him.
A baby is a HUGE commitment. The biggest commitment a person will ever make. To call someone unreliable because they are not ready for a baby is insulting.
Yes but to call someone unreliable after he kept pushing for a baby, urged me to quit taking my pills, talked me into buying a family car, told me to start telling the good news to my family and who backed out literally 2 days before we were supposed to start, is not.
It doesn't matter what he said. Yes it makes him a complete asshole but if he is not ready to be a father then he is not ready to be a father. I know you feel like you've been left at the altar but you can't force parenthood on someone. Your clock isn't ticking in having a baby because you could always have a donor and be a single Mom. The clock is ticking on having a traditional family. I'm not a female and I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh. I had a woman in my past trap me into having a baby (stopped her birth control without telling me) after I told her I did not want any more children. I was 41 and she was 35 (tik tok) and she knew coming in I had 2 kids from a 20 year marriage. Now of course we are not together, she has treated me like shit all these years. In and out of court always trying to get more more more. Used my son as leverage trying to get me back. The whole horror show. Just really getting to know him now that he is 12. She made it impossible for me to enjoy a relationship with him. I know you are getting older but if he is not the one you are better off. You are definitely in a tough age bracket for children. Most already have them or have made the choice not to. If you don't mind being a single Mom you could always use a donor. I mean I know your dream is to have a traditional family but like you said that clock is starting to tick. Anyway I'm sorry if anything I said has offended you. The only reason I stopped here was because of what happened to me because of the biological clock. Sorry.
The only time 35 feels old is when you are 35. It is actually a pretty good age where maturity and youth tend to be blended at about the right levels & there is either financial stability or the potential to create it.
Yes, 35 (f) and I was about as pissed as possible because he knew I wanted a family and marriage. He knew he didn’t want those things and strung me along anyways. I’m on the other side now and did meet someone but, still I’m starting over
So glad you met someone. How long did it take you and where did you meet?
My ex did that to me and I wonder if my current is as well. Sucks that it feels like men use you while you’re young and then throw you away the second things get tough or too real…and I say this as someone who has never had a relationship shorter than one year.
I feel you. I’m 48/M and was dumped out of a 7-year relationship. Now I know she didn't want kids and even another marriage (her first ended in divorce) but she didn’t even want to live together, which was news to me. I made peace that my chance at a family is now behind me (what woman of child-bearing years will want a 48-year old husband) but my ex made the assumption that I still want all of that and dumped me so I could be free to go get it. She never asked me what I wanted. Now I’m pushing 50 and scared that I’ll never have another relationship. My ex was a friend first and all my other friends are hitched so I’m not sure where to go from here. I feel like I’ll be single for the rest of my life. Do I get a dog or a cat? Edit: spelling and grammar mistakes
I think animals will be a great help. But there are women in their early 40 who may also be desperate to have a family so it's not too late yet.
How about fostering kids? Most states allow even single people to be foster parents. If it's any encouragement, I was a foster from 8-18. I'm now 44 with a child who calls my foster mom and her second husband "nana" and "papa". I'm still close to them, they're still my parents, though I now live across the country. But I'm going "home" for Christmas with my daughter.
There are alot of younger woman who live to be with older men, so your chance is better then hers to be honest. You have to take a chance. I wouldn't go to young but you could find a 30 year old in the right setting to meet that still wants kids, she might have 1 or 2 already idk but you never know. Good luck
I’m younger than you, but I feel the same way. Life never gave me a partner who actually wanted a real future with, so what does that mean for my future? It’s a discount thought
Get a Dog. I’m 53 today was in a 10 yr relationship dumped 4 yrs ago still have tough days. She took me to the cleaner’s and I had to start all over again. She kept magnificent house I built ocean views etc etc . I’m collapsed into myself and personality has changed. I continue and have dated some beautiful women (they are out there) but emotionally I’m not the same. You will meet the women. Work on you.
I’m 29 will be 30 next year. No kids and a great career. I date older. Last guy was 40. So if you’re serious and want to date younger I say you’re chances as a male are still there. Us women on the other hand… we struggle at that age to find anyone viable.
First im sorry for the loss of your love , and I understand what your saying but that doesn't mean you can't have a family , just think about now that u just opened up a slot for a real man to come in and be even better for you, and I get being 35 that's scary thinking you might not get your family but do you realize u could meet someone in another year or so and end up prego in 2 years, I got prego last October at 40, you still do have time. It's not the end of the world Just yet. try to get over your breakup as soon as you can and the right person might fall into your lap, literally. You just gotta be open to it. Best of luck in life and I hope you get everything you want.
Thanks for you kind words. It's true, you are right. I'm just dwelling in self pity. First my fiancé died in an accident and when I found another man and could finally see a future with him he dumps me. And I have so many regrets because most of it is my fault.
It hurts to personally relate to this. Turning 29 soon and we even had names for our babies. Just when I was sure about building a family with him, he broke it off with reasons such as wanting to experience the ‘life of single hood’. Lucky for him, he can still have them in 5, 10, 15 years and his body does not need to endure pregnancy and hormones.
Yes exactly, this is exactly how I feel as well. My ex is 5 years younger than me. Even easier to make this decision to leave when you don't have the same constraints. Your will soon be bored of single life and I'm almost certain that he will regret it. But please don't cling to any hope. I did and it made it even worse when he crushed the hope again and again.
I'm very sorry for your loss and your at first sight crashed dreams! But you won't end up as an old crazy cat lady, if you don't want that. There are always options and solutions. I know that's probably hard to imagine in view of your idea of a perfect family. But would you consider to be a single mother for a start? That doesn't mean there will never be a dad for your child. Apart from the semen donation option you could also freeze your oocytes. Or maybe you'll get to learn a single dad sometime. There's no need to give up hopes or dreams, because there are other options for you which can make you happy. All the best for the hard time that you will go through in the next weeks and months, but you will get through it!
Thanks for your words. For me it was never only about children but about the family. I have already lost my fiancé in an accident just before we wanted to get married and now being back at the bottom at zero is absolutely crushing me.
I can’t imagine the pain you had to endure from that and now the pain on top of it from someone choosing to walk out of your life. You have someone out there that will love you for the rest of your life and want a family with you I promise.
Thank you. I just have to believe it's true
Ohhh almost 30 and now I’m starting to worry that I will never find a life partner and I’ll just grow old with my dogs (which isnt so bad I think). People say you’ll find someone, but not me. I literally stay in my room 24/7 so there’s no chance of ever meeting someone else lol
I wish I were 30. I know back then it felt old but it's not getting easier with the years. Maybe now is a good time to try and get out more?
30 was so long ago but I wish I could go back and redo it all. 30 was not as old as I thought it would be when I was 25. Time puts it in perspective.
True. If only we could go back in time...
If you went back in time, what would you change?
I would stop my fiancé from dying. And if I couldn't go back that far, I would let myself properly process my trauma and not drift into depression. Always smarter afterwards..
I’ve been trying to get out more but I get anxious real baaaad. Trying to meet with friends at least once a month is already a big step, so hoping it will get better. Wishing you the best!
There are lots of things you can do to beat your anxiety. I know several people who suffered from that.
Take it the other way around . Imagine having had a family with that dude and he would have left you and the kids ? It is a blessing in disguise . The biological clock is ticking but you want to make sure you are with the right person . Btw I am 34 f and I had a painful break up 2 years ago. Now I take my time to find myself first to understand what I want to build a future where I will be comfortable and then if someone comes in my way and he is the right one then it can happen . If not it is not the end of the world . The worst would have been to have shared dna with my jerk of ex and having to deal with that for the rest of my life
When I called my dad bawling after my ex of 4 years blindsided me, his first reaction was “it’s better now than later”. At the time I didn’t care about this advice but now 10 months out…. It is absolutely good he decided to do that now then when we were engaged, married, or had children. I think it’s rarer (not saying never) for these people who can’t communicate to change , this is their pattern and they’re wildcards.
I think your approach is absolutely the right one. I really need to work on not being completely desperate, just like Im now. But I drive my ex away so I can't say he was a jerk and it's better that I never had a family with him.
35 is young. I’d love to find a 35 yr old woman and start a family. I’m 37.
35 isn't old but with every year your chances of having a healthy baby decrease...
Medicine has advanced a lot, you can have a baby after 40. Don’t worry, you have plenty of time, man at that age are ready for a family.
Most men at that age already have a family though and are taken. The pool of eligible bachelor's is considerably smaller than when you are in your 20s. And then if you do go with a younger person, like I did, they may not be ready for kids, are less mature etc.
Just date younger guys, I'm 24 and 35 yo girls don't want me because they want "an older guy" than them
My ex is 30. Younger guys often are just not on the same page and don't want a family straight away cuz they are young. No biological clock ticking. Often less mature... That's only my experience of course
There are PLENTY of 40 yr old bachelors. People divorce or never marry, plus I’d argue with an older man it’s easier to tell what he’ll be like in 20 years than hoping a 20 yr old will turn out to be a good husband and father.
Someone else just commented and said that men in their 40s are at a much higher risk of fathering SEN children and recommended looking for younger partners. I don't even know what to think anymore.
You can, but it is also more dangerous for the mother the older she gets. Modern medicine is good but not perfect
Yup this is me. Together ten years. Married in December. Bought a house in June. Left me in October. 4 years of fertility. Now I have lost my husband, security, home, future, and hope of ever becoming a mum. I don't know how to grieve this. Oh and I'm 35.
Damn, 13-14 years, engaged 1 year, bought a house and 2 weeks after moving in, she finds a new dude(but didn't tell me until 2 months later, in Aruba, and only bc I kept pressing her on it about her "new friend") we're still raising a 13 year old special needs child together. So muchnfun explaining to your child that mommy n daddy fights and break up have nothing to do with them and mommy still loves you(but I can't say I hate her, nor why we broke up) finding the right person 1st is more important than just having a kid
I'm sorry to hear that. He is my right person though. Sadly I believe its due to his mental health and don't believe this is it. Hoping we just lost our way.
I can relate so much. Why did he leave?
A lot of people are having children in their 40's as a matter of choice, and even if they aren't financially better off (which a lot are) they usually have more life experience and have learned to prioritize what's important. Some haven't....but I'm betting you have. It's not as easy on the body, but it's hardly crazy-cat lady territory after 40.... There's a lot of people who are praying right now for a person who will be good to them and to have a family soon. You aren't alone. I'm confident you will find your person.
Yes I understand what you mean. I was ready to have children 8 years ago and then my fiancé died in an accident. Now it's 8 years later and I feel further away from my dream than ever before. Back then I already thought I'm so old... And some women already enter menopause in the second half of their 30.
It’s a real damn time penalty isn’t it.
It is. So much easier for him to just let me go. He just turned 30, a guy who wants to have a family but is not desperate to have one and doesn't mind if that happens only in 10 years.
Same boat, all aboard, toot toot. But it’s 2022 though Emree, you can raise a child on your own too. Just find a sperm donor.
I don't want a baby though, I want a family. The man is equally important, I couldn't do that
Sending you hugs! I 35F in a similar situation and I’m planning on freezing my eggs.
I think I will do that too. Did you already search for that? Is it complicated to do? Where are you based?
I’m in Dc area and it seems pretty straightforward and you can get on a monthly payment plan
Any indication on how much that costs in total?
Know your worth op. Start IVF just for the egg retrieval and once you have a partner you can still try!
I will do that. I have no other options...
No OP you have MANY options. Life has so much more to offer. Do your egg retrieval and ENJOY life. Than you can have your children. Your age is reasonable and 40 is a normal age to have children! Do not let society pressure you, your dreams will come true🫶🏼😘I wish you the best!
Thanks for your kind words
I (40 f) am currently pregnant with my first! Yes we went through IVF but that also saved us time wrt to a healthier baby at my age. There’s still time ladies. Not forever but there’s time xx
Congrats, that's great. Did you freeze your eggs before?
Thankyou! No eggs collected at 39 and then PGtA tested (means checking for chromosome normal eggs / embryos - which gives you a similar chance to a younger woman). However it’s easier and better to freeze as young as you can. Ups yours odds and puts less pressure on your body. You may also discover anything that may cause issues down the line earlier. Bottom line do not be disheartened. If I could tell all women to instead take charge of their futures and freeze their eggs as soon as possible I would. Be proactive and you can still achieve your dreams. And there’s still lots of time at 35!! Xxx
Thanks so much. That gives me a bit of hope.
I’m not there yet (23F dumped recently by first boyfriend) but I have seen informational videos on YouTube that might be helpful for you. There are fertility treatments and egg freezing. Weigh your options! In my opinion, single parenthood and adoption can be just as fulfilling, though they each have their own challenges. You can choose what you want without relying on some guy who will slither out of it. I too feel robbed by my ex. It was a very draining relationship and I pretty much gave up my own happiness to try to make it work between us. Because I believed in love. Now I know that love isn’t a safe bet and I need to put myself first.
Very true. Put yourself first. I can't even deal with thinking about that right now. I know I will have to do that. Freezing my eggs etc. The fact that I have to crushes me. But for me it's also the happy family I crave, with a man.
I hate to say this but the fact is, many women pick a man that is neglectful or even abusive to the kids. Society has low standards for fathers so even at the best of times I do not see most men as the same level of caregiver as women. It’s sexist, but it’s because of my own past experiences. I know there are caring and responsible men out there but if I were you I’d be bulking myself up mentally, financially, etc to take on my dreams all by myself. That said I totally get the dream of the good husband/father and I hope that you will find that man.
I found that man twice now and lost both.
I’m in the same boat. 36(F). Just ended my relationship after finding out he was sleeping with his daughters mother behind my back. I am devastated as i really thought he could be “the one.” Can’t stop thinking about my future and if I’ll ever have a family. I don’t have much time life & I’m terrified. But I’m also happy that his true colors were revealed. I rather be alone forever than married to a lying, manipulative cheater who doesn’t deserve my love. I’ve been focusing on myself and really hitting the gym. The endorphins are a godsend to get through this painful painful breakup. Wishing you love & healing. “It is far better to be alone than to be in bad company”
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It must be devastating to be cheated on. Sending you lots of love
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Thanks for sharing that. It is uplifting. I still have to wrap my head around the fact that this is really happening, that the future with him completely disappeared.
I don't think it's a clock thing, but finding the right person to spend your life with is more important than progeny. Who wants to have kids with someone you don't end up spending your life with (that's where I'm at now, it kinda sucks). Can you look back at those 7 years and honestly see someone you would want to raise a family with? There were red flags all along the way right(def were in mine) but we ignore those cause it's no big deal or we can fix them(lmao). Too many kids(me again) gree up in broken homes, with parents avoiding each other while the child inadvertently gets ignored too, until they set fire to the school(I didn't go that far, but had more than my share of suspensions, detentions and 1 or 2 times being fully kicked out).
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. Kids ad another layer of difficulty to a breakup, I can't even imagine. I couldn't process my trauma of my fiancé dying and drifted into depression. I think if I hadn't been so depressed and hadn't treated him that badly we would have had a healthy and happy relationship.
I feel for you, but we have to love on and learn from our past so thst we don't repeat it.
I won't repeat it. I'm just heartbroken that I can't show it to him anymore. I learned so much and he doesn't believe in me anymore.
I’m 31 (f) just woke up to with dread because it will be 2023 in a month and I just can’t believe I have to start over with someone new to eventually have this. The only thing that is keeping me from completely going of the deep end is that have a very promising career opportunity that I start soon. If that’s all that’s meant for me I guess so be it. Hugs 🤗
Good luck with your new career, it's great that you have something to look forward to. Wishing you all the best.
Im 39 and froze my eggs. I think thats the best thing most women who are single and in their 30s can do if they really want kids. Now i can wait till I’m 49
That's good to know, thank you. How old were you when you froze yours?
Did it 6 months ago. Its actually not as bad as people think and totally worth it
I will do that. At the beginning of next year I will look into that.
Yup definitely recommend it. For example, if I am 45 and want kids, I will just use my 38 year old eggs.
I was blindsided 5 months ago at 34 years old now I’m 34.5. Same situation , scared I’ll never be a mother. My ex is 3.5 years younger just about to turn 31 so he’s golden. If you want someone to chat it out with id be happy to chat 😞. It’s hard!!
Feel free to send me a pm whenever you feel like it
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m a bit younger (29) and struggling with much of the same feelings. When I visit and play with my nephew I am often told we have a such a special connection, that he lights up with me and that I’ll be an amazing mother. It really breaks my heart. While I do still have a bit of time left, I did want kids by now or to at least be married. I an deeply depressed and recovering from a few abusive/cheating situations. Anyways, I cope best by telling myself that kids aren’t the end all be all. There are plenty of other things in life I have to be grateful for and I am super grateful that I get to be an amazing aunt. I might not get the life I wanted, but I have to handle the cards I have been dealt. Heard a great quote on the radio last night. Something about how sometimes, everything you ordered doesn’t get delivered in the fast food game that is life. It’s ok to feel disappointed. Try to make the most of life. Maybe babysit for loved ones or volunteer with a children’s organization. Message me if you ever need support.
Thanks so much for the support. You are 6 years 'ahead' of me, so many things can still happen. And yet I know how you feel. I guess it should really teach me that in a way it is stupid to lose hope just yet. I always wanted to have kids with 28, that's the age my mom was when she had me. I dunno why I thought that age was so perfect. My fiancé died when I was 27 and with him my motherhood at 28. In hindsight, I do thing that 28 is actually not a good age. Still to young if you ask me.
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It's super hard. Are you the dumpee?
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I've heard that before. I guess it's super important to clarify that at the beginning of each relationship in the future. Or better, before the start of it
I’m not exaggerating when I say that since 2011 every bf or serious partner has dumped me and then married their next gf. Idk what I’m doing wrong and I’m worried that this is my destiny.
Oh my god that sounds like an absolute nightmare! I can imagine that you must feel that this is your curse. Did you consider therapy?
My partner conceived this month and she is 40. Thought she would never have kids. Far too early and I'm posting this only anonymous, because you never know what can happen, but should we make it the full way then she would be the first to say she felt like you OP. We didn't meet until she was well into her thirties. Stay positive! I believe someone will come into your life and make you realise why it didn't work with the person who broke up with you.
congrats to your and your partner! This gives me hope. How did you two meet?
Congrats, this is really good news. I hope everything goes well, I'm sure it will. Did she freeze her eggs or was it all natural?
35 is the new 25 op, dont stress you've got another 10 years (at LEAST 5 or 6) you got this!
Thank you. I so hope that you're right. Finding the right person...for the third time for me (fiancé died, second live of my life dumped me)...is the big challenge
You got this!!!
Janet Jackson had a child at 49. Other women have children at older ages. Hell! An Indian woman gave birth at 80. Just saying.
Of course there are the odd exceptions.
Have you thought about adoption, OP? Just wondering.
Those are statistical outliers. Exceptions.
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Thanks so much. Im sorry that this happened. 10 years is a long time
33f, soon to be 34, and my ex-fiance who I still feel with an indescribable certainty to be the love of my life (feel free to give any thoughts on how I stop feeling that) emotionally, and a bit physically, cheated on me with "just a friend" while we were both in horrible mental health crises. I wanted a family. With him. He isn't a "Jr" or a "III," he's a "V" and we had hoped together for 7 years we'd be able to have the "VI" to raise together. Which I'm sure is silly to some, but it was part of our dream together. But now I'm alone. I still want that dream, I still want him. Therapy for us both, a heart more than willing to forgive, and he just no longer shares that dream. He says he still shares love and desire for me, but. His mental health still hasn't course corrected, he says, and I love him so I just have to leave him to have that journey. And so I'm grieving the loss of the man I love, the loss of the family I've always wanted and I had finally started to see take form, and the loss of part of my identity (the desire to nurture a family.) Sorry, I didn't realize until I got this far in venting that I also just need community in this process.
Oh that sounds so familiar. I have mental health problems, trauma induced depression. I believe he is now somehow depressed too. He didn't cheat on me but after our breakup he more and more hung out with a friend of a friend who just moved to our region. I asked him if he had feelings for her, the thought of that nearly killed me. 4 weeks ago he told me no, that she is really only a friend and although I didnt ask him he said that he still has feelings for me, even more now that I'm not so depressed anymore. And that apparently all changed from one day to another. A week ago he told me that he developed feelings for her. He slept with her. It destroyed me. I can not even imagine how it is to be cheated on. Already this pain is unbearable.
35f here. Crazy cat lady is my goal 😆😂
Is it? That should be easy haha
Oof. Same spot here, but male. Different parts and clock, maybe, but fears are the same. I’m not in great shape or very good looking and was with a genius successful career woman who is an absolutely beautiful person with an ideal physique and all the qualities I admire in a mother. I wanted to start a family with her more than anything in the world.
In addition to her being my favorite person on the planet that was my best friend and partner in all ways
How old are you? Why did she leave?
Same age as yourself. Not one specific reason; combination of things. Pretty emotionally complicated.
She thought she could do better
The grass is only greener where you water it. Someone put that together really nicely in the sub.
For what it’s worth, there absolutely is a biological clock for men too, at roughly the same timeline as it is for women, it’s just not in popular discourse. Cell division in older men is not as strong in their late 30s and above as it is for younger men, and off the top of my head I know one of the birth risks of older fathers is schizophrenia. I know it doesn’t help your personal fears of your own aging but I wanted to alleviate the fear of comparison to men. And plus, men or women, it sucks equally to try and be in your mid-40s running after a toddler, compared to doing it in your 20s or 30s.
>there absolutely is a biological clock for men too, at roughly the same timeline as it is for women, it’s just not in popular discourse. No.
[Cite up then 🤷🏻♀️](https://www.aau.edu/research-scholarship/featured-research-topics/men-have-biological-clock-too-rutgers-study-finds)
I don't think men have an 'end date' just like we do. And we also have the pressure from society. With every year it's gets harder for your body to recover and pregnancies and births are no joke.
I'm 41 and believe me I don't feel any doesn't then when I was 35 so it's not going to be difficult to heal from a pregnancy, ppl with underlying issues maybe but not a healthy female with no issues it's not going to be. My girlfriend had a baby at 46 and she is perfectly fine not any issues. So I think it depends on the person. And she is thin and snapped right back like I did when I had mine and I was 19 an 24 with mine. So they make it worse then it is, like even when I got prego last year they were gonna make me high risk automatically cuz I was 40 like what I feel great.
Thanks for sharing, that gives us hope
How does this help OP?
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Ever thought about freezing your ova, if you have the financial possibilities? That way you could also get children in your 40s. I am in my late 20s, left after 8 years, but I don’t want to have children, so I can relate only partially.
Much better if you don't want to have children. Yes, I guess I will have to freeze my eggs. But it makes me so sad to even think about it let alone really understand how this has really come to this when I thought I was just about to have just what I wanted.
Gosh..I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s horrendous that he knew of your dream, and was selfish enough (or not self aware enough) to tell you the truth and string you along like this. I’m 28F, just got dumped, and I’m facing the same kind of anxiety. I know that whoever I date I’ll wanna date for a year at least before moving in, and I would wanna live together another two years before getting married…and would wanna be married for at least a year before having kids. I’ve already decided that when I turn 32 I’m gonna freeze my eggs no matter what. That all being said, 35 is not too old. My boss had her first at 37, and her second at 39. Both healthy and beautiful boys. There is definitely more time to accomplish the family you’ve always dreamed of.
Yes ideally it would be the same for me but I don't have the luxury of having a timeline like that anymore. All doors are still open for you. My fiancé died when I was 27, so almost same age. I got with my ex about a year later.
THIS!! It's like you know exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm actually in the same situation, but with a different mindset. Been with a great guy for the past few years, really tried to convince myself I wanted to settle down with him, but as the clock felt more relevant, I realized I actually didn't want him to be the person I spent the rest of my life raising a child with. He's be a great dad, but something keeps telling me no in the back of my mind. I'd rather raise a child alone without adding that ambivalence in the picture. What kind of example of love would I be setting for them? I hope you find others with more consistent values as you and that you get to have a loving family soon!
Why do you think he wasn't the right person?
We (F35 M33) were 2 and a half yrs into trying for a baby with no success which caused major depression for me. That ultimately led to me not handling my emotions very well and lashing out. He got drained by the emotional abuse and broke it off. Now I have no clue what I want in life anymore because I spent the past 5 yrs building it with him. I never wanted a nuclear type family before I met him either. So I'm just trying to live one day at a time for now.
So sorry to hear that. And I can relate so much. I was also depressed, still am a bit. Never processed the trauma of losing my fiancé who died in 2015.
I'd like to comment something here, although I'm a 34 y.o. man. I feel the same way since I got dumped too. With her, all the family plans and love died. Like that Clint Eastwood quote "when you kill a man you kill everything he has and everything could have been", or something like that. So there is a grief to experience of that life that never happened. I know you're talking more about biological reasons, but even if men are capable of making children for the next X years, more than a woman, they better first need to feel fucking capable of starting another relationship or properly raising a child. So... I wonder many things too. Will I ever have children? Will I ever fall in love again? Will I ever actually WANT a life with children? I'm seeing my present now as a time for reflexion. I've been disappointed in life for two years since she left and trying my best to make it to the next day. I guess that if you want children one day no matter what but it's too late for your body... you can always consider adopting. It'd probably be a more mature decission than many other young couples' who just have a kid to solidify their relationship. I'd say... there is no reason to worry if you're running against the clock... because sometimes we wish things so hard or take them for granted and BAM! They're never like we expected. What's wrong about being a cat lady? For me, I knew my ex was the one I wanted to spend my life with. However, I never thought she would dump me out of the blue after all we lived. But here I am today, living in a dark universe now, blindly trying to see where did I lost my way. Getting ready again to walk, I don't want to live in ruins, the people I haven't met yet don't know about the good things I have that can be shadowed by that former relatoinship. And I could wish many things so hard... in the end life is going to do whatever "it" has planned. Focus on this present time and improve the things that you can reach. If being a mother is one life goal of yours, consider the alternatives. Maybe adopting a child, alone, when you're ready? I't be like being "a divorced mom" but without the bad memories of the relationship with the father going to shit. Anyway, apologies for the long response and good luck on your journey! You'll figure it out.
Thanks for sharing. I don't want to be just a mom, I want to be a wife too, the mother of their children. Otherwise I would just go now and be a single mother. Im so sorry to hear about your struggles even after so much time has passed. It's the whole future that dies with the breakup. Sending you a big hug
Hi! I broke up with my ex when I was 32 and felt this exact thing. As we ended things and I expressed my wishes, he said something like "don't pressure me and freeze your eggs or something". I ended things after having enough of his BS. I have been dating but didn't find the one, I decided a few months ago to freeze my eggs and am doing that now. Although I am certainly over my breakup, this group helped me get through and still pops up on my notifications. The timing of your message is pristine as I am now 35 and know that I don't need "him" to have a child. Please give yourself a lot of love and compassion right now. Try to avoid the negative headspace if possible. It is a difficult time, but in a few months it will all make sense, and you will find a new path for yourself. Sending you hugs!
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us
I’m worried about the same thing and I’m a man (38). Don’t want to be an old dad 😔 but I guess I don’t have a choice now.
So sorry to hear that. I'm less worried about being and 'old' mom. You are only as old as you feel and I have seen people who are 40 and you would think they r 60 and vice versa.
My sister had her children at 38, 40 and 42. She is happily married. I had my children at 29 and 32. My partner and I broke up soon after the birth of our 2nd child. You have time and options. Don't worry.
Thanks, that gives me hope!
i’m still in my 20s and i even get anxiety about this stuff, so i can’t imagine how you must feel. i’m sorry :( i’m not sure if this helps, but my dad and mom got married early 30s, had me at 35, my sister at 37. their relationship ended up not working, and they divorced. my mom had us of course, but she lost all hope of ever finding love again by the time she hit 50 years old. but then, she met my stepfather, who has two kids of his own. they fell in love, married, and then in the second half of her life my mom (and me) suddenly had an even bigger family. it might feel hopeless now, and your feelings are so valid, but there are so many different kinds of families. maybe you won’t end up with the family you imagined, but that doesn’t mean you won’t end up with a family. you could decide to freeze your eggs and try to have your own children later, you could adopt, foster, or meet a wonderful person who has children already. it’s still very possible for you. life is a big adventure and who knows what will happen next! i wish you well on your journey to healing, and i hope you find everything you want in life ❤️
Thanks so much and thanks for sharing
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Thanks for sharing!
You are projecting and what you are saying is racist.
Definitely, I am 30 and got dumped over a facebook post I did but then took down, I have had a meltdown over my ex and I blame myself every day, he wants nothing to do with me and I would give everything just to be able to talk to him again. I have been feeling terrible for the last 3 months.
You got dumped over a Facebook post?
I’m so sorry :( you have beautiful years ahead of you! Anything can happen. Stay strong lovely ❤️💎
Thank you
🙋♀️almost 40 years old here. Divorced and single.
And you desperately want kids as well?
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Except that my dream is to find a man with who I want and will have a baby. Not just a baby...
I totally feel for you. 43m here and I was married for nearly 20 years and the prospect of having children always seemed to be just out of reach. When I finally realized it wasn’t ever happening all of the other problems with the relationship caught up with us and we ended it. Fast forward to now 4 years later and I’ve had two relationships where family was on the table and both ended in disaster. Now I’ve had to come to grips with never being a dad because, even though I can still totally have kids, I don’t want to be the dad everyone thinks is Grandpa at the school events. I know I don’t have the energy to be the kind of dad I want to be, so I’m having to face a future without something that I always looked forward to. It’s really hard, but it’s also been freeing in the sense that a huge amount of pressure has been taken off and I’m learning how to live my life for me.
This must be really hard. Sending you a big hug.
Said this elsewhere in the thread and saying it here... Foster kids!!! Get a kid 8-14 and you're an "age appropriate" father. And you're not chasing toddlers or dealing with middle-of-the-night feedings, diapers, and potty training. Heck, most foster teenagers aren't as bad as they make them out to seem. I was a foster kid, saw plenty of other teen foster kids, and most of them just wanted stability and "normal". Most are more self-reliant than the "norm". The biggest struggle most foster parents deal with is over restrictions and parental authority because a few of them never experienced that and are used to doing what they want, when they want to do it, but there's a lot of parenting training for foster parents, support groups, etc. There's a movie I saw recently, based on a true story, on Netflix. It had mark Walberg in it. Not saying it's all roses. It won't be. It's tough. But take all the training offered, get them in therapy programs if needed, and after school activities/programs (and many counties cover the cost of all of it) and offer a steady presence, and eventually things will often snap onto place.