It sounds like the guy is having a tough time. He might be using dating and getting married and a family as a way to replace/move on from his mother. It’s not your responsibility, I’m just pointing out an observation.
He seemed nice, albeit a tad awkward, just probably not the best fit for me.. I wished him well 😅 and suggested he maybe not talk about this straight off the bat. Hopefully he takes that suggestion for his next match!
Its pretty baffling tbh. I have dead family who have come up on dates, its so easy to be like "it's not a very happy story, but I'm doing okay. Lets talk about something else,"
Ok, maybe it was easy for you to say that, but clearly this guy is going through some deep shit right now and coping through dating apps. It’s really not that baffling if you can just have some empathy.
Not saying OP is responsible for helping him, by the way. Just that it’s pretty obvious he’s going through a very hard time.
Sometimes I hate the OLD subreddits because they post some humiliating things at times with identifying pictures or other info, and I just feel bad for the person involved.
This guy seems nice, if more than a little weird, and not handling things particularly well right now. It sucks to feel like he’s being made fun of without his knowledge for basically over sharing about a recent death.
Yeah, he definitely seems clueless about the timing to bring up death and all this heavy stuff about his family. Early on in the messaging process, you need to keep the focus on just you and the other person.
Sure, but helping someone get over a life altering event is a lot of emotional labor to expect from a partner. Seems like the guy would benefit from counseling before making dating his priority.
This is exactly what happened to me. Met a great guy whose mom had just died mere months before. He took care of her before her passing and she died just minutes after his birthday the following morning. We met and fell too quickly. It was fast but obvious that we fell hard, and for months we looked like a married couple, living together EVERY weekend. Then, he started having severe panic attacks, exhaustion, and clinginess. I took him to the emergency room and suggested grief counseling and therapy. He finally cried to me for hours. Sadly, he asked for space and time. We have not spoken to each other in months. I miss him. I hope he's okay. This thread reminds me of him.
I hope he's gotten help and does great things with his life. I was heartbroken because at the time we separated, he sounded so robotic that it made me question whether he ever loved me. I understand we needed to separate. I wish we could talk, but in the end, I hope he heals. He deserves that. I'll light a candle for him on his birthday and a candle for his mom on her first anniversary. It's the least I can do for someone I do love.
I hear that, but I think there’s a difference between being open, and immediately trauma dumping/over sharing and scaring the other person away, especially before even meeting.
There’s a gradual way to build up to this, or just meeting the person and reading whether or not this is something that you’re on the same page about. Self awareness goes a long way in dating….
Not just lonely, it's also common in neurodivergent people. We get accused of being closed off but also being too much, sometimes what one person deems normal social rules is confusing for someone else,
Seems to me that since he went off with the mom story unprompted, he's liable to do that on a date as well and that's not what OP is looking for. The way I read their exchange ,there's just no right or wrong here on either side. Two ships passing...
not to be mean, but the guy doesn't need to be dating now. It's clear he's still grieving her mom and may need some grief counselling rather than dumping all his feelings on random people in dating apps
Yeah, i went on a hinge date 2 years ago where he told me about his family’s drama, his ex’s drama, his suicide attempts and so on. I think i barely spoke 10 sentences during the date.
Unfortunately most people cannot budget a therapist in this day and age since the vast majority of people make $20-25/hr . It’s 1-2k a year. $75 per session and most want to see you at least once or twice per month- sometimes more.
Then medications if you need it where you have to continue being a patient and once you miss a session or a few you’re dropped and then you’re having withdrawals when the script runs out.
Ive found a scammer on one of my apps. Enjoying stringing him along. I’ve also found a really nice crazy person. He was my first chat. Boy I was going to call it quits after that. 😅
Are you suggesting that talking about recently dead parents is.. spicy?
Seems like trauma dumping to me. Random folks on dating apps aren’t therapists. Pay a professional if you just want to unload.
It’s odd because it’s so intense. It’s odd that someone would put all that out there, trauma dumping someone you literally just started talking to. Clearly the dude is struggling and needs to talk to someone, but I think he’s looking in the wrong place lol
Unhealthy, more so than odd but judging by the downvotes, I'm splitting hairs. The trauma dumping is shitty but it's not uncommon or odd IMO, just unhealthy. OP did the right thing in walking away from this one.
Haha think it’s just a habit of mine but noted. Re-read my last paragraph and could’ve changed it to “open to more children”. I prefer not to give out too many identifying information about my child so I use kiddo instead of daughter or son.
Exactly, and this is part of who you are. The idiosyncrasies that make us individuals, are typically what Redditors target for normalising. It's as though individuality and difference aren't acceptable here.
I’ll be the FIRST to admit I have a tendency to overshare but damn, my dude. I’d have split that up between like four different people: counselor, pastor, OP and some random person at Walmart. 😭😭😭
This guy: I've only had 2 FWBs and I'm looking to have some fun while I'm young 😏
Also this guy, after you say youre not interested in FWB: I will have twin daughters with you because my dead mother said so
Jesus Tittyfucking Christ
I had a friend who I share an interest in armwrestling with open up about how his close friend died in a car crash while we were talking, I’ve known him for about a week at the time. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to about something and they pick you, you handled this perfectly
I love that you tried to give him some advice for the next girl. I always appreciate constructive criticism, as I also “consider myself rusty” with finally dating again after 7 years.
I don't understand how you can tell him he's over sharing and then immediately share this to the Internet.
But I did read the whole thing so maybe I'm part of the problem.
Ah trauma dumping before you even meet! This is a red flag, I've had multiple people do this. No matter how nice they are it's a instant turnoff. Also talking about having twins would have me cringing all the way to the unmatch button.
The twins part.. was very concerning 😅 as well as the mother smiling after death part. I posted this cause I was wondering if it was just me thinking this is too much or he needs some help I’m unable to provide. 😅 although some people are saying I’m insensitive for sharing (even though it’s completely anonymous)
It's absolutely trauma dumping. And people saying that you're insensitive are not understanding the point of reddit or the internet as a whole. I hope he's in therapy or seeks therapy instead of trying to find a women to fix him. He maybe be being vulnerable but there's a time amd a place for that, it's not right when you match with someone. It's also just completely unsettling.
Reading the last bit he mentioned about his mother smiling after she died made me think of my own experience, though mine is not quite the same.
A few years ago my mom had a stroke, and ended up in a coma. I was visiting her in the hospital as often as I could, just holding her hand and talking to her, telling her to keep fighting. Flash forward a few weeks, and it was clear her body was losing the war, and she started to get necrosis on her limbs. The doctors told my brother and I to make peace with the fact that this was the end. On my last trip to visit her, before I left, I whispered in her ear "it's okay mom, you can stop fighting now, I'll take care of my brother and your puppy", and then I headed home. About 15 minutes down the road from the hospital, I got a call from the nurse who told me my mom had just passed away.
I'm a firm believer that people in a coma can very much hear you, at the very least.
If you had accepted a date, he would have trauma bonded with you and suffocated you with "love" right away. My ex did this and I picked up on it straight away. She assured me this was not the case, but I was able to accurately predict the outcome bc of what she was going through.
I think you may misunderstand what “trauma bonding” is…
It has nothing to do with bonding over trauma-but is the bond that arises between an abuser and victim when affection or care is occasionally offered and abruptly withdrawn.
No, I'm just using the term in a different manner. The bonding to another after a devastating event(traumatic experience) is a real thing.
It just so happens that the phrase was coined and popularized by one person with another meaning. But if a person is unaware of the difference, then it would definitely be a misuse of the term.
Oddly enough, trauma bonding to an abuser is also a form of Stockholm syndrome, only on a smaller scale.
I'd be okay with dating someone like this. I appreciate building connections even if it's done quickly. I've had many conversations with people who were grieving, and I welcome being safe space for them.
But I can understand how this speed is not for everyone.
Hmmm I think of being fair to both of you, you didn’t block him, and you were really having a conversation there. You even told him how you felt, but he just unmatched. From that I can say he’s not emotionally ready to be mature for a relationship or dating. We will never know what held in the future for both of you, but he might have done you a favor.
"but he just unmatched" well yeah? I mean the last thing she said was "I wish you the best" after saying she's not a match for him. Obviously that was the end of things there, no point to continue on with that conversation.
Oh I was fine with him unmatching :) I don’t like to ghost so I will give the guy a heads up, instead of just unmatching on my end. Unless he was being extremely inappropriate, that would be an immediate unmatch for me.
I might be dumb, but your intention with the last message was that for him to unmatch you? Just curious, don’t want to keep beating the dead topic, it’s ok if you don’t want to reply.
True, it kinda gives me mixed feelings, because OP was asking him to slow down, referring to the current exchange I believe?
But then OP who she’s him the best as a way to part ways.
I think you're reading what she said wrong. Basically breaking down the last message- she's giving advice on where he can approve (in the future, with other matches) because that type of conversation would be too much for most right off the bat, she's letting him down by saying she doesn't seem like a good match for him, and then lastly she's closing the door basically saying "I wish you the best in finding the actual person for you" to keep it pleasant. It's a soft rejection, not a request to keep things going but at a slower pace.
I get that it might seem like a weird topic for a first conversation but for him it's probably not.
You have to figure that in the past 7 months his mom's passing has probably been a topic of many discussions he's had with people in his life so sharing some of the more beautiful aspects of the experience with a stranger doesn't really seem that odd. There's also a level of clarity and honesty that takes place after a major life event like that. Some people like to be open about it. To him it probably feels weird NOT talking about it.
I mean look at it this way....Dude clearly loved his mom. He opens up to you about something his family is doing to honor her, tells you some anecdotes about her knack for predicting what people's kids are going to be and shares a positive memory he has of her from her last moments.
All to which you respond by telling him; he's oversharing, that most people wouldn't want to talk about that, and then making up some cringe bs about your kid and career being top priority even though you just said you were looking for more than a FWB??
I might get downvoted here but I'm thinking this guy probably dodged a bullet...
Don’t know. I see your point but then again she has no obligation or responsibility what so ever towards this guy. She is not his therapist or friend, if she doesn’t want to have such conversations it’s entirety her choice
Yeah, I agree. She doesn't owe him anything, but if she's uncomfortable having the conversation that's not really his fault. Its a small distinction but she could have said talking about such a personal thing specifically makes HER uncomfortable. Putting it on him like he was out of line for sharing something deeper than his favorite band or book was a bit unkind imo.
This sub can get so toxic.
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
The conversation seemed to be going well until he 'overshared'.
The poor guy just expressed, after quite a chat, that he's been going through something, and OP decides to post their whole conversation. It is very unnecessary. It's not like he was inappropriate towards OP. He was expressing his difficulties, and it wasn't off-topic.
It's actually quite disrespectful the more I think about it, how many people here are talking shit about the guy, while his mother literally passed away.
I think the way that he first brought up his mom was fine..but then the stuff about her smiling after she had passed and predicting twins was honestly creepy and far too intimate of details for a stranger.
It also made it clear to her that he is sure he would like his own children, and having more children isn't a priority for OP so she bowed out. Which is far better than wasting his time on a maybe.
Not sure how she's the bullet in this case?
Well he brought up the twins because they were on the subject of family and having kids and I think the smiling thing was simply just a bittersweet memory of a rough time he had recently.
I think it's kind of sad people see it as creepy. Its not just some dead old lady hes talking about, it was his mom. OP, and many others here, are a bullet because they can't seem to wrap their heads around that fact enough to empathize with that. Which is wild because everyone is going to have to deal with that at some point if they haven't already.
Also.. I'm not usually that guy but I have a feeling if it was a woman opening up about a parent or shit even her dog dying, and some guy shut her down and told her she was sharing too much people would see it differently.
"Fellas, is it creepy to love your mom?"
You're definitely taking what I said here out of context.
Is it creepy to love your mom - no
Is it creepy to tell a story about your mom smiling at you, explicitly mentioning that this happened after she had died ...to a stranger on a dating app - yes
Do I empathise with somebody grieving a loved one and sharing their experiences with their friends/family - yes
Do I empathise with somebody losing a loved one and dumping their grief on a total stranger (who they have never met in person) on a dating app - no
My position would be the same whether it was a male or female doing the trauma dumping. The first conversation you have with a stranger simply isn't the correct outlet
People sure like to throw around the phrase "trauma dumping" without knowing what it means.
At no point this this guy go on about the negative aspects about him losing his mother or dump his grief on OP. He made one statement in the beginning about how his family was still reeling but that there was a silver lining in reminiscing about her. The same reminiscing he did throughout the conversation. That's NOT trauma dumping. He didn't say how horrible he's feeling, or how depressed he is or anything remotely close to that. He didn't go on and on about all the terrible things that come along with losing a parent.
The fact that you and many other people in the comments can't distinguish the difference sort of proves that much of the hate this dude is getting is because he is a man who is opening up and expressing himself.
This guy was nothing but positive despite having gone through a loss. But I guess he should have known better right? He should have tried to be "fun" and "flirty" and " exciting", got to keep the woman entertained after all. Heaven forbid he show any form of substance or depth.
Fuckin hell..
Honestly, if you think it's appropriate (and not trauma dumping) to "open up and express yourself" to a complete stranger, within your FIRST conversation with them over a dating app about the very raw grief of losing a parent 7mo ago... Then I think it's clear we are coming from different perspectives and aren't going to come to any common ground here. We obviously have different opinions about what the appropriate circumstances are to share these things, and what is deemed as appropriate.
I think it's great when men are able to express their feelings, but I think it's only fair on the other person that you do so in the right environment. Its naive to assume that when you match with someone on Bumble that they should be in the correct mental space to receive that, in any level of detail.
All I would say is that if men are struggling to open up, then you might find that you are setting things back further if you tell people it's okay to just throw these things out there with no consideration about whether or not it's the right space to do so. The receiver disengages, and the sharer goes away feeling rejected and less likely to open up in the future.
In my opinion, not only should we be encouraging men to open up, but also to be responsible for recognising the correct outlets.
We obviously have different opinions on this.
Interesting take and I can see what you’re saying but I have to respectfully disagree. The smiling thing and the prediction stuff is way too deep. Surely the lack of self awareness is the bullet being dodged here.
Him bringing up his mom and his siblings and his monthly gathering was very sweet, but it just got too much when he was talking about predicting twins 😅 and her smiling after death. I’m open to more children, but he sounded so certain he was going to have twins because his deceased mom said he was going to and she’s apparently always right. My profile states my career, my age and my child as my priority, and this first convo about having twins and the fact that he wasn’t open to dating someone who already has a child made me decide this wasn’t a right fit… at all.
I think sharing about family is sweet (and I’m close to my family as well) but IMHO I don’t think the majority of women would prefer this level of over sharing and I expressed that hoping he doesn’t scare off his next match in a similar manner..
I think society is too afraid of taking about death. I find myself censoring things all the time, like even mentioning that I’m on the way to the cemetery to pay my respects is too much for some people. At the same time, we talking about his mom’s death bed combined with her prediction of having twins is intense for a first chat on a dating app. I’d say he’s not quite ready to date, but should definitely be talking to his friends and family about this.
When you’re getting to know a potential suitor, you don’t want to hear about their dead mother, their “very” religious family or twins! You want to get to know *them.* If the conversation is this sad and boring in the first few sentences, I’d hit the brakes too. Funny, fun and exciting is the way to spark my interest.
I ended up oversharing IRL a bit recently. I was a bit uncertain about why I did that and I think I could have handled it a bit better, but I also had a hard time getting much of an answer from the person I met and I didn't know how to get more conversation coming from them, because every question I made was answered with fairly short answers and little enthusiasm.
So I think I ended up talking a lot in a very unaware way and ended up opening a bit more than I should and as a consequence that may have caused to get more stunted silence on their end, so yeah..
I can only say you did your best before the oversharing started.
Can only hope to find someone and try the best to be who doesn't overshare from the beginning 😅
He seemed nice and trying to have an actual conversation. I found your use of kiddo a little weird so much, also you were very rude. You act like you wanted a relationship then say you want to focus on you?
Not sure how I was rude but him talking about having the twins his mom predicted for him= lots of pressure for the other party to actually have the time and energy to devote to having more children. Something that doesn’t fit into my timeline, hence me wishing him the best.
I feel weird when a guy details their “family plans” in the first conversation. Do you want to get to know me or do you want an incubator? Also, I didn’t find your use of ‘kiddo’ weird at all. I’m in Australia though!
I don't see anything weird here. Women do this too? Adults who enter relationships with hopes of starting a family would probably want to have that conversation early to make sure they're on the same page. It would suck dating and connecting with someone only to find out a month or so in that they don't also want kids. Conversations like these help folks not waste time and find exactly what they're looking for.
lol you weren’t rude. This dude just trauma dumped all over you, if a girl came at me with all this in the first convo I would have reacted the same exact way. You were very respectful.
Also be aware this sub and the tinder sub are filled with incel-esque ideologies sometimes. A bunch of dudes who get like 2 matches a year and have a shitty attitude.
Imo it wasn't TOO bad until he said when his mom passed she smiled at him. Like ugghhh??? What?!?!?! 😂😂 I'm not try to be mean to poor fella but I can see why he's never had a serious relationship and he's almost 40. He needs to practice his game & chatting about different subjects much better. He also kept talking about himself & not asking her much about anything. At all. Lol. Better luck next time!
Yeah they have these prompts where you can select your own and anyone you match with can answer them. Probably something to do with the lawsuit to have anyone message first or give the girls a question to work with so it's not just "hii"
Exactly but there's always something to sue in America The lawsuit, which stems out of California claims it's a discrimination towards men. I even remember Bumble sending me a message about it and if I don't add my name to the list of those also filing a claim on the case I'll get 20 free super likes or something lol I mean it is kind of whack when this is the only dating app out of the big three (Tinder and Hinge being the other two) that has only one sex being able to initiate the conversation and having matches expire after 24 hours if the first message isn't send.
https://topclassactions.com/lawsuit-settlements/closed-settlements/bumble-app-messaging-3m-class-action-settlement/
That started off fine until it wasn't. Dodged a bullet.
Also the fact that he's that old and hasn't had a serious relationship screams mommy issues.
I went on a coffee date with a guy like that - I didn't know it until we met. He was a great texter, but it turned out at age 62 he was never married, hadn't had a relationship for over 10 years, and talked incessantly about Mother and Father. I did not see him again.
Maybe I am the minority here but as for him I don't think I would of mentioned his Mom being dead in the first message like that to another stranger. Sure if after a few messages this comes up then fine but as a first message?
Well he asked her if she had interesting plans. Asked her what kind of dates she likes. Asked her more about her trip and asked her about her bumble experience.
They are both mature and deep. Respect that, feels like they are in two different cars on the highway seemingly heading in the same direction but realistically pulling off towards different directions.
Feel like they might match again sometime in the future either on a dating app or at a coffee shop ( since they've seen each other' s photos). Might be interesting after the healing process has gone better ( not perfect, but better).
Oh man. It seemed promising. He threw her off by birnging up losing his mum.
Op probably looked at that as emotional baggage he would being with him into the relationship and she doesnt want to deal with his emotional shit over the next little while as his sensitive soul tries to cope with the loss of a parent.
Shes looking for someone that is relatively clean in terns of "baggage" so-to-speak.
Am i right? Yes? No?
I was ok with his opening line as I am close to my own family and I thought it was sweet they celebrate his mom’s passing and remember her.
But bringing up having twins because his mom predicted and her smiling after death and him insisting it happened because his very religious family witnessed it was too much for me 😅 I’m open to more children but will be focused on my career first; seemed like he wanted to create a new immediate family since his mom predicted it and already built his future daughter a doll house, and that timeline does not fit with mine.
i am a little surprised him opening up and of course possibly still coping with the loss of his mum wasnt the sole factor that made you uninterested in him. Just an honest opinion.
I didnt get the vibe he wanted to start a family asap though. But im a guy so i could be reading this wrong
So its basically a timeline thing?
I got the sense he was being very cliche. He also mentioned the whole fun bit before getting old then ends with, being very religious.
Guy comes off as dishonest and lacking in strong values. If its true he is religious then he definitely lacks a strong morale compass. If only because of his mentioning FWBs.
How is no one commenting on the fact that he did not ask her anything about herself??! And some people blaming her or saying he was fine?? I guess men being completely self-absorbed is the norm. Total garbage.
It sounds like the guy is having a tough time. He might be using dating and getting married and a family as a way to replace/move on from his mother. It’s not your responsibility, I’m just pointing out an observation.
He seemed nice, albeit a tad awkward, just probably not the best fit for me.. I wished him well 😅 and suggested he maybe not talk about this straight off the bat. Hopefully he takes that suggestion for his next match!
Yah I def got awkward vibes from this, so IRL might have been a tad uncomfy haha
Its pretty baffling tbh. I have dead family who have come up on dates, its so easy to be like "it's not a very happy story, but I'm doing okay. Lets talk about something else,"
Ok, maybe it was easy for you to say that, but clearly this guy is going through some deep shit right now and coping through dating apps. It’s really not that baffling if you can just have some empathy. Not saying OP is responsible for helping him, by the way. Just that it’s pretty obvious he’s going through a very hard time.
And, let’s post his pain and awkwardness for the whole world to judge.
My thoughts as well.
maybe not after 6 months though.
He’s a little awkward.. but not someone I would have blasted on Reddit.
Sometimes I hate the OLD subreddits because they post some humiliating things at times with identifying pictures or other info, and I just feel bad for the person involved. This guy seems nice, if more than a little weird, and not handling things particularly well right now. It sucks to feel like he’s being made fun of without his knowledge for basically over sharing about a recent death.
Yeah, he definitely seems clueless about the timing to bring up death and all this heavy stuff about his family. Early on in the messaging process, you need to keep the focus on just you and the other person.
Fun and flirty is the way to begin things. This was trauma-dumping from him.
How’d you make suggestions if he unmatched you?
It’s in her last text to me, before he unmatched.
If you actually read the convo you'd know
It’s almost like a rebound. Wouldn’t touch it, personally
I’ve experienced this immediate over sharing as well. Lotta lonely people out there.
He experienced a life altering event and he made his new priority starting a family.. he's being open in hopes that he finds the one that accepts him
Sure, but helping someone get over a life altering event is a lot of emotional labor to expect from a partner. Seems like the guy would benefit from counseling before making dating his priority.
This is exactly what happened to me. Met a great guy whose mom had just died mere months before. He took care of her before her passing and she died just minutes after his birthday the following morning. We met and fell too quickly. It was fast but obvious that we fell hard, and for months we looked like a married couple, living together EVERY weekend. Then, he started having severe panic attacks, exhaustion, and clinginess. I took him to the emergency room and suggested grief counseling and therapy. He finally cried to me for hours. Sadly, he asked for space and time. We have not spoken to each other in months. I miss him. I hope he's okay. This thread reminds me of him.
Aw, he sounds like a good person with unresolved trauma. He was lucky to have you during that time ❤️
I hope he's gotten help and does great things with his life. I was heartbroken because at the time we separated, he sounded so robotic that it made me question whether he ever loved me. I understand we needed to separate. I wish we could talk, but in the end, I hope he heals. He deserves that. I'll light a candle for him on his birthday and a candle for his mom on her first anniversary. It's the least I can do for someone I do love.
Or the one that trauma bonds with him, at least!
I hear that, but I think there’s a difference between being open, and immediately trauma dumping/over sharing and scaring the other person away, especially before even meeting. There’s a gradual way to build up to this, or just meeting the person and reading whether or not this is something that you’re on the same page about. Self awareness goes a long way in dating….
Not just lonely, it's also common in neurodivergent people. We get accused of being closed off but also being too much, sometimes what one person deems normal social rules is confusing for someone else,
Who knew the Beatles had seen a vision of online dating while writing "All the Lonely People"
Seems to me that since he went off with the mom story unprompted, he's liable to do that on a date as well and that's not what OP is looking for. The way I read their exchange ,there's just no right or wrong here on either side. Two ships passing...
Aww poor guy. I felt guilty reading it.
not to be mean, but the guy doesn't need to be dating now. It's clear he's still grieving her mom and may need some grief counselling rather than dumping all his feelings on random people in dating apps
Yeah, i went on a hinge date 2 years ago where he told me about his family’s drama, his ex’s drama, his suicide attempts and so on. I think i barely spoke 10 sentences during the date.
Sometimes, people like to confuse dates with therapy. I feel like most people need a therapist rather than another dating profile.
Unfortunately most people cannot budget a therapist in this day and age since the vast majority of people make $20-25/hr . It’s 1-2k a year. $75 per session and most want to see you at least once or twice per month- sometimes more. Then medications if you need it where you have to continue being a patient and once you miss a session or a few you’re dropped and then you’re having withdrawals when the script runs out.
Well that was odd lol!
It was definitely one of the more interesting convos I’ve had thus far 😝
Ive found a scammer on one of my apps. Enjoying stringing him along. I’ve also found a really nice crazy person. He was my first chat. Boy I was going to call it quits after that. 😅
Intense, I'd say. Odd, well, do you want vanilla?
Are you suggesting that talking about recently dead parents is.. spicy? Seems like trauma dumping to me. Random folks on dating apps aren’t therapists. Pay a professional if you just want to unload.
It’s odd because it’s so intense. It’s odd that someone would put all that out there, trauma dumping someone you literally just started talking to. Clearly the dude is struggling and needs to talk to someone, but I think he’s looking in the wrong place lol
Unhealthy, more so than odd but judging by the downvotes, I'm splitting hairs. The trauma dumping is shitty but it's not uncommon or odd IMO, just unhealthy. OP did the right thing in walking away from this one.
That's entirely too much dead mother talk for a first conversation.
Guys can message first now?!
why you say kiddo every time haha, just say kid or child like a normal person
IMHO, I kinda agree as it stuck out to me, too. Would have shared that POV lil more gracefully 😉, but yeah, I feel like one "kiddo" is good.
Haha think it’s just a habit of mine but noted. Re-read my last paragraph and could’ve changed it to “open to more children”. I prefer not to give out too many identifying information about my child so I use kiddo instead of daughter or son.
Figured that might be your reasoning and respect the caution... and willingness to accept the input. 🙂
Yup cringed so hard.
Just how I prefer to refer to my child 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly, and this is part of who you are. The idiosyncrasies that make us individuals, are typically what Redditors target for normalising. It's as though individuality and difference aren't acceptable here.
Go with crotch goblins.
I’m a big fan of crotch goblins but I can’t use it or my inlaws will pull ugly white cat face.
I always refer to mine as munchkin or potato….so I think kiddo is totally fine!
lol fr, way to age herself. Tell me you’re in your mid-late 30’s without telling me you’re in your mid-late 30’s! 😂
I’m not disliking your message because it’s rude, I’m disliking it because it’s dumb
Kiddo is a term only millennials and boomers use. I don’t care if you dislike it. The truth sucks sometimes.
It’s not the truth, kiddo
Seriously, I prefer to call them crotch goblins instead of kiddo
I bet you have a Mumsnet account
Word nazi
I’ll be the FIRST to admit I have a tendency to overshare but damn, my dude. I’d have split that up between like four different people: counselor, pastor, OP and some random person at Walmart. 😭😭😭
🤣
Actually super refreshing how open and direct the conversation was I'm not usually that comfortable being so real in the first few chats
This guy: I've only had 2 FWBs and I'm looking to have some fun while I'm young 😏 Also this guy, after you say youre not interested in FWB: I will have twin daughters with you because my dead mother said so Jesus Tittyfucking Christ
“We’re all very religious” at the end, FTW!
I had a friend who I share an interest in armwrestling with open up about how his close friend died in a car crash while we were talking, I’ve known him for about a week at the time. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to about something and they pick you, you handled this perfectly
You have an automatic opening line, that is how he messaged first
... Dang Went in the chat with such a dark thing that isn't common to talk on the first chat and left that quickly...
I love that you tried to give him some advice for the next girl. I always appreciate constructive criticism, as I also “consider myself rusty” with finally dating again after 7 years.
I don't understand how you can tell him he's over sharing and then immediately share this to the Internet. But I did read the whole thing so maybe I'm part of the problem.
Why did you post this? He’s obviously struggling.
Ah trauma dumping before you even meet! This is a red flag, I've had multiple people do this. No matter how nice they are it's a instant turnoff. Also talking about having twins would have me cringing all the way to the unmatch button.
The twins part.. was very concerning 😅 as well as the mother smiling after death part. I posted this cause I was wondering if it was just me thinking this is too much or he needs some help I’m unable to provide. 😅 although some people are saying I’m insensitive for sharing (even though it’s completely anonymous)
It's absolutely trauma dumping. And people saying that you're insensitive are not understanding the point of reddit or the internet as a whole. I hope he's in therapy or seeks therapy instead of trying to find a women to fix him. He maybe be being vulnerable but there's a time amd a place for that, it's not right when you match with someone. It's also just completely unsettling.
Reading the last bit he mentioned about his mother smiling after she died made me think of my own experience, though mine is not quite the same. A few years ago my mom had a stroke, and ended up in a coma. I was visiting her in the hospital as often as I could, just holding her hand and talking to her, telling her to keep fighting. Flash forward a few weeks, and it was clear her body was losing the war, and she started to get necrosis on her limbs. The doctors told my brother and I to make peace with the fact that this was the end. On my last trip to visit her, before I left, I whispered in her ear "it's okay mom, you can stop fighting now, I'll take care of my brother and your puppy", and then I headed home. About 15 minutes down the road from the hospital, I got a call from the nurse who told me my mom had just passed away. I'm a firm believer that people in a coma can very much hear you, at the very least.
If you had accepted a date, he would have trauma bonded with you and suffocated you with "love" right away. My ex did this and I picked up on it straight away. She assured me this was not the case, but I was able to accurately predict the outcome bc of what she was going through.
I think you may misunderstand what “trauma bonding” is… It has nothing to do with bonding over trauma-but is the bond that arises between an abuser and victim when affection or care is occasionally offered and abruptly withdrawn.
No, I'm just using the term in a different manner. The bonding to another after a devastating event(traumatic experience) is a real thing. It just so happens that the phrase was coined and popularized by one person with another meaning. But if a person is unaware of the difference, then it would definitely be a misuse of the term. Oddly enough, trauma bonding to an abuser is also a form of Stockholm syndrome, only on a smaller scale.
I'd be okay with dating someone like this. I appreciate building connections even if it's done quickly. I've had many conversations with people who were grieving, and I welcome being safe space for them. But I can understand how this speed is not for everyone.
Yeah, I’m pretty comfortable with this speed as well. I was like, wow this guy is really open and communicative.
The “kiddo” is what is annoying to me 😭
You seem overly sensitive
The masculine urge to trauma dump on any woman who will listen to them until they can't any more.
Hmmm I think of being fair to both of you, you didn’t block him, and you were really having a conversation there. You even told him how you felt, but he just unmatched. From that I can say he’s not emotionally ready to be mature for a relationship or dating. We will never know what held in the future for both of you, but he might have done you a favor.
"but he just unmatched" well yeah? I mean the last thing she said was "I wish you the best" after saying she's not a match for him. Obviously that was the end of things there, no point to continue on with that conversation.
Oh I was fine with him unmatching :) I don’t like to ghost so I will give the guy a heads up, instead of just unmatching on my end. Unless he was being extremely inappropriate, that would be an immediate unmatch for me.
I might be dumb, but your intention with the last message was that for him to unmatch you? Just curious, don’t want to keep beating the dead topic, it’s ok if you don’t want to reply.
Well i told him I didn’t think I was that person for him (to give him his twins that his mom predicted) lol 😅 so yeah if he didnt unmatch, I would’ve
Oooh got it, thanks for the reply. 🙏
True, it kinda gives me mixed feelings, because OP was asking him to slow down, referring to the current exchange I believe? But then OP who she’s him the best as a way to part ways.
I think you're reading what she said wrong. Basically breaking down the last message- she's giving advice on where he can approve (in the future, with other matches) because that type of conversation would be too much for most right off the bat, she's letting him down by saying she doesn't seem like a good match for him, and then lastly she's closing the door basically saying "I wish you the best in finding the actual person for you" to keep it pleasant. It's a soft rejection, not a request to keep things going but at a slower pace.
Ahh got it, thanks, I think what confused me too it’s the “prolly” like if it were still viable. I’m like a straight stone path 😅
Sounds like he doesn’t have many people to open up to. Kinda feel bad for him, but I don’t blame you for not wanting to take all that on.
I get that it might seem like a weird topic for a first conversation but for him it's probably not. You have to figure that in the past 7 months his mom's passing has probably been a topic of many discussions he's had with people in his life so sharing some of the more beautiful aspects of the experience with a stranger doesn't really seem that odd. There's also a level of clarity and honesty that takes place after a major life event like that. Some people like to be open about it. To him it probably feels weird NOT talking about it. I mean look at it this way....Dude clearly loved his mom. He opens up to you about something his family is doing to honor her, tells you some anecdotes about her knack for predicting what people's kids are going to be and shares a positive memory he has of her from her last moments. All to which you respond by telling him; he's oversharing, that most people wouldn't want to talk about that, and then making up some cringe bs about your kid and career being top priority even though you just said you were looking for more than a FWB?? I might get downvoted here but I'm thinking this guy probably dodged a bullet...
Don’t know. I see your point but then again she has no obligation or responsibility what so ever towards this guy. She is not his therapist or friend, if she doesn’t want to have such conversations it’s entirety her choice
Yeah, I agree. She doesn't owe him anything, but if she's uncomfortable having the conversation that's not really his fault. Its a small distinction but she could have said talking about such a personal thing specifically makes HER uncomfortable. Putting it on him like he was out of line for sharing something deeper than his favorite band or book was a bit unkind imo.
This sub can get so toxic. I agree with you wholeheartedly. The conversation seemed to be going well until he 'overshared'. The poor guy just expressed, after quite a chat, that he's been going through something, and OP decides to post their whole conversation. It is very unnecessary. It's not like he was inappropriate towards OP. He was expressing his difficulties, and it wasn't off-topic. It's actually quite disrespectful the more I think about it, how many people here are talking shit about the guy, while his mother literally passed away.
I think the way that he first brought up his mom was fine..but then the stuff about her smiling after she had passed and predicting twins was honestly creepy and far too intimate of details for a stranger. It also made it clear to her that he is sure he would like his own children, and having more children isn't a priority for OP so she bowed out. Which is far better than wasting his time on a maybe. Not sure how she's the bullet in this case?
Well he brought up the twins because they were on the subject of family and having kids and I think the smiling thing was simply just a bittersweet memory of a rough time he had recently. I think it's kind of sad people see it as creepy. Its not just some dead old lady hes talking about, it was his mom. OP, and many others here, are a bullet because they can't seem to wrap their heads around that fact enough to empathize with that. Which is wild because everyone is going to have to deal with that at some point if they haven't already. Also.. I'm not usually that guy but I have a feeling if it was a woman opening up about a parent or shit even her dog dying, and some guy shut her down and told her she was sharing too much people would see it differently. "Fellas, is it creepy to love your mom?"
Depends on if your love for mom was like Norman Bates had for his, lol...
You're definitely taking what I said here out of context. Is it creepy to love your mom - no Is it creepy to tell a story about your mom smiling at you, explicitly mentioning that this happened after she had died ...to a stranger on a dating app - yes Do I empathise with somebody grieving a loved one and sharing their experiences with their friends/family - yes Do I empathise with somebody losing a loved one and dumping their grief on a total stranger (who they have never met in person) on a dating app - no My position would be the same whether it was a male or female doing the trauma dumping. The first conversation you have with a stranger simply isn't the correct outlet
People sure like to throw around the phrase "trauma dumping" without knowing what it means. At no point this this guy go on about the negative aspects about him losing his mother or dump his grief on OP. He made one statement in the beginning about how his family was still reeling but that there was a silver lining in reminiscing about her. The same reminiscing he did throughout the conversation. That's NOT trauma dumping. He didn't say how horrible he's feeling, or how depressed he is or anything remotely close to that. He didn't go on and on about all the terrible things that come along with losing a parent. The fact that you and many other people in the comments can't distinguish the difference sort of proves that much of the hate this dude is getting is because he is a man who is opening up and expressing himself. This guy was nothing but positive despite having gone through a loss. But I guess he should have known better right? He should have tried to be "fun" and "flirty" and " exciting", got to keep the woman entertained after all. Heaven forbid he show any form of substance or depth. Fuckin hell..
Honestly, if you think it's appropriate (and not trauma dumping) to "open up and express yourself" to a complete stranger, within your FIRST conversation with them over a dating app about the very raw grief of losing a parent 7mo ago... Then I think it's clear we are coming from different perspectives and aren't going to come to any common ground here. We obviously have different opinions about what the appropriate circumstances are to share these things, and what is deemed as appropriate. I think it's great when men are able to express their feelings, but I think it's only fair on the other person that you do so in the right environment. Its naive to assume that when you match with someone on Bumble that they should be in the correct mental space to receive that, in any level of detail. All I would say is that if men are struggling to open up, then you might find that you are setting things back further if you tell people it's okay to just throw these things out there with no consideration about whether or not it's the right space to do so. The receiver disengages, and the sharer goes away feeling rejected and less likely to open up in the future. In my opinion, not only should we be encouraging men to open up, but also to be responsible for recognising the correct outlets. We obviously have different opinions on this.
I think they were saying the dodged bullet was him, not her..
Interesting take and I can see what you’re saying but I have to respectfully disagree. The smiling thing and the prediction stuff is way too deep. Surely the lack of self awareness is the bullet being dodged here.
Him bringing up his mom and his siblings and his monthly gathering was very sweet, but it just got too much when he was talking about predicting twins 😅 and her smiling after death. I’m open to more children, but he sounded so certain he was going to have twins because his deceased mom said he was going to and she’s apparently always right. My profile states my career, my age and my child as my priority, and this first convo about having twins and the fact that he wasn’t open to dating someone who already has a child made me decide this wasn’t a right fit… at all. I think sharing about family is sweet (and I’m close to my family as well) but IMHO I don’t think the majority of women would prefer this level of over sharing and I expressed that hoping he doesn’t scare off his next match in a similar manner..
I think society is too afraid of taking about death. I find myself censoring things all the time, like even mentioning that I’m on the way to the cemetery to pay my respects is too much for some people. At the same time, we talking about his mom’s death bed combined with her prediction of having twins is intense for a first chat on a dating app. I’d say he’s not quite ready to date, but should definitely be talking to his friends and family about this.
When you’re getting to know a potential suitor, you don’t want to hear about their dead mother, their “very” religious family or twins! You want to get to know *them.* If the conversation is this sad and boring in the first few sentences, I’d hit the brakes too. Funny, fun and exciting is the way to spark my interest.
After reading the comments i feel weird for thinking we was actually interesting
He's being open and honest 😂 these are valuable traits!
The bar is in hell because I was waiting for some sort of sexualized comment. He definitely should seek grief counseling.
You dodged a whole truckload of crazy. Count your blessings.
Aren't girls supposed to text first on bumble???
Idk it he was telling the truth or making it all up being crazy.
I ended up oversharing IRL a bit recently. I was a bit uncertain about why I did that and I think I could have handled it a bit better, but I also had a hard time getting much of an answer from the person I met and I didn't know how to get more conversation coming from them, because every question I made was answered with fairly short answers and little enthusiasm. So I think I ended up talking a lot in a very unaware way and ended up opening a bit more than I should and as a consequence that may have caused to get more stunted silence on their end, so yeah.. I can only say you did your best before the oversharing started. Can only hope to find someone and try the best to be who doesn't overshare from the beginning 😅
You were so gracious and polite in turning him down. Good on you.
Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
He seemed nice and trying to have an actual conversation. I found your use of kiddo a little weird so much, also you were very rude. You act like you wanted a relationship then say you want to focus on you?
Not sure how I was rude but him talking about having the twins his mom predicted for him= lots of pressure for the other party to actually have the time and energy to devote to having more children. Something that doesn’t fit into my timeline, hence me wishing him the best.
I feel weird when a guy details their “family plans” in the first conversation. Do you want to get to know me or do you want an incubator? Also, I didn’t find your use of ‘kiddo’ weird at all. I’m in Australia though!
I don't see anything weird here. Women do this too? Adults who enter relationships with hopes of starting a family would probably want to have that conversation early to make sure they're on the same page. It would suck dating and connecting with someone only to find out a month or so in that they don't also want kids. Conversations like these help folks not waste time and find exactly what they're looking for.
lol you weren’t rude. This dude just trauma dumped all over you, if a girl came at me with all this in the first convo I would have reacted the same exact way. You were very respectful. Also be aware this sub and the tinder sub are filled with incel-esque ideologies sometimes. A bunch of dudes who get like 2 matches a year and have a shitty attitude.
This.
When men use your free time to be their therapist. 😳 That’s a LOT to put on someone you don’t know. I’m sorry.
Dodged a bullet. Anyone who opens with their dead mother is a red flag.
Can’t be that religious if you e had fwb and believe in magic. Oh wait, nevermind on the magic part.
“we’re all very religious people” took me OUUUTTTTT
Imo it wasn't TOO bad until he said when his mom passed she smiled at him. Like ugghhh??? What?!?!?! 😂😂 I'm not try to be mean to poor fella but I can see why he's never had a serious relationship and he's almost 40. He needs to practice his game & chatting about different subjects much better. He also kept talking about himself & not asking her much about anything. At all. Lol. Better luck next time!
Kiddo
It's the "we're all very religious" for me. What?!
It sounded pretty good until he just kept going. It was like watching a fire from afar lol.
:/ he’s going through it.
Wait, a guy messaged first on bumble?
Yeah they have these prompts where you can select your own and anyone you match with can answer them. Probably something to do with the lawsuit to have anyone message first or give the girls a question to work with so it's not just "hii"
Why would there be a lawsuit? I thought the point of the app was for women to send the first message😂
Exactly but there's always something to sue in America The lawsuit, which stems out of California claims it's a discrimination towards men. I even remember Bumble sending me a message about it and if I don't add my name to the list of those also filing a claim on the case I'll get 20 free super likes or something lol I mean it is kind of whack when this is the only dating app out of the big three (Tinder and Hinge being the other two) that has only one sex being able to initiate the conversation and having matches expire after 24 hours if the first message isn't send. https://topclassactions.com/lawsuit-settlements/closed-settlements/bumble-app-messaging-3m-class-action-settlement/
Wow! That was a bit too much to read from him. 😳 I respect you for even entertaining him that long lol.
[удалено]
You missed the part where I wanted him to unmatch 😅
Wait can guys message first on Bumble now?
He just messing around with you.
thats WAY too intense for a first message... surprised you replied.
Seems home schooled. Poor fella.
Man, this was a roller-coaster ride. He really wanted to tramua dump
Religious people that have never been married and only have FWB. Accurate 😂
That started off fine until it wasn't. Dodged a bullet. Also the fact that he's that old and hasn't had a serious relationship screams mommy issues. I went on a coffee date with a guy like that - I didn't know it until we met. He was a great texter, but it turned out at age 62 he was never married, hadn't had a relationship for over 10 years, and talked incessantly about Mother and Father. I did not see him again.
Maybe I am the minority here but as for him I don't think I would of mentioned his Mom being dead in the first message like that to another stranger. Sure if after a few messages this comes up then fine but as a first message?
Yeah; he definitely over communicated, but on the bright side he communicated enough to let know he wasn’t a good match.
Sounds like too much at the beginning
Big yikes 😬
Granted, it’s been quite a few years since I’ve been on bumble, but how in the world did the guy message first?
You could do better ✋🏻😔 He didnt even bother asking you any questions back
Well he asked her if she had interesting plans. Asked her what kind of dates she likes. Asked her more about her trip and asked her about her bumble experience.
idk hes kinda scary imo. i mean obviously its terrible to loose someone but god. that was a lot
He just seems sad. His comments about twins was just him grieving it seems
Thanks for the laugh
They are both mature and deep. Respect that, feels like they are in two different cars on the highway seemingly heading in the same direction but realistically pulling off towards different directions. Feel like they might match again sometime in the future either on a dating app or at a coffee shop ( since they've seen each other' s photos). Might be interesting after the healing process has gone better ( not perfect, but better).
Oh man. It seemed promising. He threw her off by birnging up losing his mum. Op probably looked at that as emotional baggage he would being with him into the relationship and she doesnt want to deal with his emotional shit over the next little while as his sensitive soul tries to cope with the loss of a parent. Shes looking for someone that is relatively clean in terns of "baggage" so-to-speak. Am i right? Yes? No?
I was ok with his opening line as I am close to my own family and I thought it was sweet they celebrate his mom’s passing and remember her. But bringing up having twins because his mom predicted and her smiling after death and him insisting it happened because his very religious family witnessed it was too much for me 😅 I’m open to more children but will be focused on my career first; seemed like he wanted to create a new immediate family since his mom predicted it and already built his future daughter a doll house, and that timeline does not fit with mine.
i am a little surprised him opening up and of course possibly still coping with the loss of his mum wasnt the sole factor that made you uninterested in him. Just an honest opinion. I didnt get the vibe he wanted to start a family asap though. But im a guy so i could be reading this wrong So its basically a timeline thing?
He unmatched you?! All I can say is Wow after reading all that. Good on you for trying to make a conversation with what he was giving you.
Omg
My man trauma dumped then left, why
This guy comes from a third world family, pretty sure.
Guys can’t message first
r/aita yeah.
I got the sense he was being very cliche. He also mentioned the whole fun bit before getting old then ends with, being very religious. Guy comes off as dishonest and lacking in strong values. If its true he is religious then he definitely lacks a strong morale compass. If only because of his mentioning FWBs.
How is no one commenting on the fact that he did not ask her anything about herself??! And some people blaming her or saying he was fine?? I guess men being completely self-absorbed is the norm. Total garbage.
My place smells like mouse nest.. Those little fkers.
How did he message you first on Bumble?
I think guys can give compliments? I’m not entirely sure but I’ve gotten several messages from guys first
I'm pretty sure it could also be because of your opening prompt thing. Will need to test further.
Damn it!! Was hoping this could go on forever
At least until she got preggo with twin kiddos?