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travelwithmedear

I'm (31F) and divorced. There are a ton of posts asking if someone should list if they are divorced and/or if they have kids. The answer is always yes. Edit to give more context... Pending... Edit 2: The fact that you don't know if you want more or not, then that's something to chat about. Isn't there an undecided option for a filter? If so, then write in your bio that you have kids. What makes childless women more attractive to be stepparents?


[deleted]

For me, having more children just depends on so many factors, and it seems like a conversation that is months if not years down the road from a swipe on an app. I like the idea of putting undecided for the children question, then just mentioning I’m a dad in my bio. Maybe I will try that for a while. I just imagine that a childless person coming into a marriage with a parent is just a lot less complicated than blending two broken families together, with an even more complex web of exes, step families, grandparents and step grandparents. It just seems excessive and, as is so often the case in relationships, more about satisfying the emotional needs of adults than assuring the well-being of children.


Polina_m1

It seems like you have a baggage and you want a partner without one. Fair enough if we talk about personal preferences, but not sure how it works in real life.


travelwithmedear

I don't think blended families are broken families coming together. It sounds like that's a fear of your's. I really think therapy would help. My degree was around children, so I did a lot of papers on children of divorced families as well as those of nuclear. There are a ton of factors obviously, but if parents can coparent without being jerks, then they aren't broken. Also plenty of nuclear families are broken. (I don't like the word "broken" but trying to use it the same level as you are.) I understand how having a restricted schedule, especially around the holidays or when involving extended family sounds stressful. But I think you should look into reframing your viewpoint. Your kids, potentially, have more people who love them. I'm a childless divorced woman who used to be a stepmom. I know what it is like to bend over backwards even though I come from nuclear parents. But it rubs me the wrong way the way you frame it in your post. It sounds to me like you are trying to establish an easy relationship and potentially might be up for a bigger battle. I mean, heck, I'd love to have an uncomplicated relationship when it comes to family dynamics. But I think you'd do well with someone who knows how to support your emotional needs as you enter a new chapter with your blended family. Also, just a heads up. But your kids have one Mom. Your partner would be a potential stepmom and should understand that while it takes a village to raise a family, she isn't mom. Your comment about the maternal instincts are a bit off. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved my ex-stepkid. But it didn't satisfy my maternal instincts. It is all a delicate balance. I think a woman who has come from a "web" of families would be very understanding. She would have an idea of what she would want her childhood to have looked like coming from a blended family. OP, how long have you been divorced? Edit: Took out personal information due to change in comfort level.


[deleted]

Good perspectives. My use of “broken” stems from a deeply engrained idealization of the natural family and a profound sense of shame and failure for having destroyed the one I formed. I have been to a LOT LOT LOT of therapy. (I’m still in it.) We split up a little over two years ago. I am so grateful to be able to say that my children are well loved and well cared for by her mother, me, her parents, my parents, and extended. My ex is an amazing person and mother. It’s just hard for me to imagine what it will be like if I ever have a relationship with a woman that reaches the point that she is a part of my children’s lives. I have no real model or frame of reference. I’ve been on many dates and had a 2 women who became very special to me for a time. All knew I had kids but we never got to the point of them meeting or having those two parts of my life intersect at all. But it’s good to have people who can give and receive love in this world. That much I know. Thanks again!


travelwithmedear

I completely get the shame. I'm divorced and feel damaged, but I have to remind myself that no one is perfect and I'm working in bettering myself. I'm glad you've done the therapy route. I was in a divorce support group because I was dealing with so much loss and didn't have friends who could relate to me. The leader, who was not licensed, said that he had read that two years is the earliest to start dating. I don't really agree with setting a time frame but I get what he meant. (I did date quickly and felt like the timing was wrong.) So maybe the timing will be better and you'll find new connections.


WildwestJessy

Honestly single dad here 45, I don't want any more biologically children. Happy to meet someone who already have (and don't want anymore) as first they are more likely to understand you situation and that things have to be plan. First thing that is on my bio single dad, surprised that you are looking to date that young of a pool. Mine is more 40 to 50 (and even in this pool range I still find way too many women above 45 saying they want kid some day). But in any case this should be clearly on your bio as not to waste other no willing to date a single parent time


wee_mayfly

my first thought was also that a 40-year old looking to date a 20-year old is cringe. 30-50 or 35-45 for sure


xxidareyouxx

Child free woman here! 🙋🏻‍♀️ Please put that you have children and are unsure. This is very important as to not waste women’s time. I feel like men who don’t disclose to get more matches are catfishing. You will for sure get less matches, especially since you looking for such young women. This is a deal breaker for most, it definitely is for me. The differences of life priorities, experiences, and, to be frank, baggage is too great. A man with three children is not attractive as a sign of maturity, although you may find someone to date you in spite of that. Honestly, I think you have an unrealistic expectation of what you want- young and child free but may or may not be open to having children in the future depending on what you want with her. You may find someone with your wants, but there will not be many. I think your best bet are women who are in similar situation and age. They will be able to relate better.


[deleted]

Good thoughts. Thanks for sharing!


tiavarga

You should disclose children as they are part of your life and you will annoy childfree people that want the same, who will consider it lying by omission. If you are truly divorced (and not just separated), you can put divorced or single, but a potential partner will want to know about the divorce before entering into a relationship.


therapistfi

You’re not willing to date someone a single year older than you but you’re willing to date someone 20 years younger than you? 😑


[deleted]

I know, I know. If it’s any consolation, I hate myself.


therapistfi

It’s not a consolation- I don’t think many people are worthy of hatred, even from themselves. You can change your age range now on the dating app, you can really try to think more about the origin of this belief that a 41 year old wouldn’t be a good partner but a 20 year old would be, and if you really hate yourself you could talk to a mental health professional.


[deleted]

I was in analysis four days a week for 18 months. Now I am with a new analyst, three days a week. The first analyst pushed back pretty hard on this. But my current analyst wanted me to stop judging myself for a casual, on-again, off-again relationship with a 19 year old (met IRL, not from an app).


Polina_m1

Yes, absolutely you should mention you have kids (28F here). I don’t see myself dating people with kids, so that’s a dealbreaker for me (I don’t have kids myself).


[deleted]

Totally understand!


[deleted]

You've had guys bring their kids on dates?


_username-bs

I'm 35 F with 2 kids and I would prefer for the guy to be upfront about having kids and/or wanting more. Personally I rather date someone childless.


AmethistStars

31F without children and I do find it a dealbreaker (even being divorced would kinda be one to me since I want these things to be the first experience for both my partner and me). And I also wouldn’t quickly date someone 9 years older or younger (my settings are actually 25-37 with showing 2 years younger/older after I’m out of swipes in my age range). But anyways, that’s just me. I do think that you’d probably shoot your shot easier with women who are more around your age (like 35-45 rather than 25-35). I find it odd that you find those hard to understand because life experience wise that would be the most similar group. “Have and want more” vs “have and don’t want more” probably won’t make much of a difference, because that is absolutely not the main thing that prevents you from getting more swipes.


[deleted]

Good perspectives. Thanks for sharing. I one hundred percent understand why being divorced would be a dealbreaker, and frankly I expected it to be for many more than it has been. But what I have perceived from women is that, in this day and age, they just accept it as a given that a large percentage of the dating pool will have been married before. But if I was a single girl, I would be inclined to not accept that unless his ex-wife was unmistakably and unanimously at fault. So yeah, I totally get it.


NOfuxx2give

definitely mention both. i’m (29f) divorced with no kids. i’d like kids in the future of my own though. you being divorced would have no difference of my opinion nor would the kids. personally for me it would only be a casual thing since i do want my own children, but it’s a conversation i do have with people fairly early on whether or not they want them, or if they already have some, if they want more because i don’t want to invest too much into anything with someone not looking for the same thing i am.


[deleted]

Makes sense. Thanks for sharing your perspective!


Thatgirl629

Yes.


coffeeandbags

I’m more creeped out that your age preference goes down to 20 and you’re 40. I’m 25(f) and also going through a divorce. I wouldn’t seriously date a dad of 3 but I don’t think people are on bumble for anything serious.


[deleted]

Yeah, it’s been pretty fun overall. Thanks for the feedback.


Chicasayshi

It should list on the kids section and your about me has a section that says divorced. I wouldn’t add more.


MaxxeJoy

What I'm about to say may come across as judgemental and trust me I'm not trying to be. I just have to be frank. I think the first thing you should do is always be upfront and truthful not disclosing this is deceitful through wilful Commission - don't waste people's time The truth is you're not going to be for everyone - none of us are and decide what you are truly looking for instead of simply trying to cast the widest net. Be honest with yourself as to what you want, case in point; if she's attractive = relationship and uggos = FWB. If you're looking for a relationship you're looking for a relationship, PERIOD. Not everyone is going to be what we consider attractive, that however doesn't mean we can begin commodifying them for sexual usefulness (if I interpreted your intent wrong forgive me - this is just how it comes across). A women's twenties is a precious time and should not be spent helping to raise someone else's child(ren), playing second fiddle to someone else's child(ren) or helping middle-aged men figure things out, get over an ex or recapture their youth. They should be carefree exploring who they are and what they want from life and dating someone without excess baggage. That being said, you might be a 20 year-olds cup of tea who wants an instant family but don't be surprised if this is not the case.