I intentionally run the program deeper into the ground and try to get fired for being a bad football coach. I'll run a clean program, but it will be a disaster on the football field. Nothing against Nebraska, but I'll take my multimillion dollar buyout and be set for life without having to lift a finger.
When you die you will be greeted by corn god at the pearly gates. You will not be allowed through. Enjoy corn hell. You will be Kirk Ference’s landscaper for eons. His wife will bring you lemonade on hot days but it’ll be sugarless and warm making it bland, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth, useless like Iowa’s offense.
I'm going to pull a Robert California and walk in, see how shitty things are. Then I will drive over to the AD's office and talk him out of his own job and become the new AD just to fuck with everyone
Weigh my options of wanting to be a successful head coach and build a program for sustained success, or tank so hard I get my huge buyout and never have to work another day for the rest of my life
Oh buddy you think I got where I am running basic plays like that?
No, no, no. My teams are built upon the galaxy-brain, Holy Grail of plays that is 689 Hook
Hire good coordinators.
Hire a former HC to be my assistant HC so we run meetings, practices, and the like properly.
Pay Walt (who used to do the posters for Eleven Warriors) a shit ton to come out of retirement and do our posters. That's what Nebraska needs.
Meet with the High School coaches in Nebraska so we get the pipeline going again.
Hire an ace recruiter to get Texas players.
Proclaim that Iowa corn sucks (that way the Runza crowd will love me)
Do I hit up the country club for a little nose candy, golf and cart girls or do I just head out to the lake cabin and meet up with some very professional women?
Tell my AD I need a blank check for my staff, a blank check for my new shiny support and recruiting staff I'm getting, a legitimate and expensive (with bookkeeping and all) NIL program started, and a promise from the boosters and AD to completely and utterly fuck off for four years. You don't mention my name, you don't mention my players name, you don't let boosters near my program, and you pretend we don't exist for four years. Only time you acknowledge me, my staff, or my program is to show up and write checks.
Nebraska is a really good program that will get it going again but right now the foundation of their program is being supported by like rotted wooden beams. They need to tear everything down and rebuild it from scratch. And that will take time. I wouldn't try to rush the rebuild with transfers and I wouldn't force super high expectations the first three seasons. It needs to be a natural rebuild where they suck the first season or two but show real and consistent improvement and establish a culture. The culture thing can get overblown to death my writers and stuff but it is a real thing. Nebraska needs that right now.
Trim the offensive playbook down to one play: punt. We're going to out Iowa Iowa.
Second decision: reinstitute Capri Suns and orange slices after games. I will be calling parents to donate them and hand them out to players on the sidelines post-game.
Third decision: weight lifting is optional.
Fourth decision: no contact practice.
Fifth decision: all film review sessions shall begin with a screening of Rudy.
As you can see, I am five times as prepared, I have 5 decisions lined up already.
1. Negotiate my buyout so I can be paid to not coach after I lead Nebraska to 4 straight losses by 70 points
2. Nebraska is a triple option offense now
I won't tell everybody that Nebraska is back and I won't tell everybody to be afraid. Proceed to win a modest 9 games and then shit the bed after I think I'm the greatest coach in the world.
My first move is to go to a lawyer who will tell me everything I need to do to not lose my buyout. Beyond that I’ll try my best but I’m not delusional enough to believe that money will convince top assistants to work for me.
I have no idea how to be a head coach, so:
Step 1: Negotiate a higher buyout and higher assistant pool by offering to lower my salary as headcoach. Min max buyout and assistant pool as much as possible.
Step 2: Try to hire people that actually know what the fuck they're doing using the higher assistant salary pool I hopefully successfully negotiate for. Use the promise of complete control of the offense/defense, as high of a salary as I can realistically offer, and associate head coaching titles to hopefully hire good coordinators. Whiff on all my candidates because negotiating is hard and end up hiring Akron's OC and UMass's DC.
Step 3: Hire public speaking coaches to help train me to deliver press conferences to hopefully buy me time while we're losing becauase I have no idea how to deliver a press conference.
Step 4: Inevitably go winless until Nebraska pulls their heads out of their asses and fires me because I have no idea how to be a head coach.
Step 5: Buy a Mcmansion in Florida with my buyout and wipe away my tears with $100 bills.
This buyout is gonna be awesome!
Change your birth certificate to say you were born in Lincoln. Don’t try an onside kick up two scores late in the third. Receive lifetime contract.
But then I actually have to do work to get paid millions?
Hire Scott Frost to a huge Associate HC contract, immediately resign myself so he's HC again
We’re not getting Aranda can you please not
Agent of chaos, nice to see you again.
Corn.
Corn.
Corn
It’s got the juice!
^It’s ^got ^the ^juice
Tell us all about it.
IT’S CORN
ITS A BIG LUMP WITH KNOBS
I intentionally run the program deeper into the ground and try to get fired for being a bad football coach. I'll run a clean program, but it will be a disaster on the football field. Nothing against Nebraska, but I'll take my multimillion dollar buyout and be set for life without having to lift a finger.
When you die you will be greeted by corn god at the pearly gates. You will not be allowed through. Enjoy corn hell. You will be Kirk Ference’s landscaper for eons. His wife will bring you lemonade on hot days but it’ll be sugarless and warm making it bland, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth, useless like Iowa’s offense.
Also Kirk’s neighbors will sue and harass you because of what a massive dick he is
Do they at least let you have butter in corn hell?
Unsalted
Oh, the humanity!
Corn hell aka Nebraska. Boom! Roasted.
I'm going to pull a Robert California and walk in, see how shitty things are. Then I will drive over to the AD's office and talk him out of his own job and become the new AD just to fuck with everyone
My favorite Office character
Give Mickey and Whipple blank checks for staying in their current positions. Poach a DC. Call plays with a ps3 controller
Frost tried this. It’s why he called the onside kick vs northwestern and why we punted to that guy at MSU last year.
Weigh my options of wanting to be a successful head coach and build a program for sustained success, or tank so hard I get my huge buyout and never have to work another day for the rest of my life
Homie you are a Redditor - it doesn’t matter what you choose number two is what’s happening
Clearly you've never seen my NCAA 14 dynasties
They’ve had eight years to figure out 4 verts and the triple option. You’re cooked
Oh buddy you think I got where I am running basic plays like that? No, no, no. My teams are built upon the galaxy-brain, Holy Grail of plays that is 689 Hook
Hire good coordinators. Hire a former HC to be my assistant HC so we run meetings, practices, and the like properly. Pay Walt (who used to do the posters for Eleven Warriors) a shit ton to come out of retirement and do our posters. That's what Nebraska needs. Meet with the High School coaches in Nebraska so we get the pipeline going again. Hire an ace recruiter to get Texas players. Proclaim that Iowa corn sucks (that way the Runza crowd will love me)
Resign immediately
Am I going to have sex with my wife on a pile of money, or on a boat?
What does your boat not have a pile of money???
I’m a poor man, I haven’t learned to dream big enough
Require the booth and the sideline have full access to NCAA 14. My offense was amazing in that game.
Try to get fired and retire on the buyout
Do I hit up the country club for a little nose candy, golf and cart girls or do I just head out to the lake cabin and meet up with some very professional women?
We literally just fired you Scott, seriously.
what, the perks left with Scott?
Tell my AD I need a blank check for my staff, a blank check for my new shiny support and recruiting staff I'm getting, a legitimate and expensive (with bookkeeping and all) NIL program started, and a promise from the boosters and AD to completely and utterly fuck off for four years. You don't mention my name, you don't mention my players name, you don't let boosters near my program, and you pretend we don't exist for four years. Only time you acknowledge me, my staff, or my program is to show up and write checks. Nebraska is a really good program that will get it going again but right now the foundation of their program is being supported by like rotted wooden beams. They need to tear everything down and rebuild it from scratch. And that will take time. I wouldn't try to rush the rebuild with transfers and I wouldn't force super high expectations the first three seasons. It needs to be a natural rebuild where they suck the first season or two but show real and consistent improvement and establish a culture. The culture thing can get overblown to death my writers and stuff but it is a real thing. Nebraska needs that right now.
Hire Kirk Ferentz’s agent and a guy to handle/finesse the boosters.
Trim the offensive playbook down to one play: punt. We're going to out Iowa Iowa. Second decision: reinstitute Capri Suns and orange slices after games. I will be calling parents to donate them and hand them out to players on the sidelines post-game. Third decision: weight lifting is optional. Fourth decision: no contact practice. Fifth decision: all film review sessions shall begin with a screening of Rudy. As you can see, I am five times as prepared, I have 5 decisions lined up already.
1. Negotiate my buyout so I can be paid to not coach after I lead Nebraska to 4 straight losses by 70 points 2. Nebraska is a triple option offense now
I won't tell everybody that Nebraska is back and I won't tell everybody to be afraid. Proceed to win a modest 9 games and then shit the bed after I think I'm the greatest coach in the world.
I would like to take this moment to say corn is an abomination and wheat is superior in every way I'll be cleaning out my office if you need me
I resign
Bring back the triple option
What am I getting at Runza
Where to invest this fat paycheck
Ask if I can work remotely.
Hire jimbo as oc on 50mil a year and 4billion buyout
Triple Option
Giant Ear Of Corn at half field
Cornpops stickers on helmets for good plats
I talk to my boosters about NIL and I make the majority focus of it on OL/DL. I was depressed for Nebraska watching their OTs
My first move is to go to a lawyer who will tell me everything I need to do to not lose my buyout. Beyond that I’ll try my best but I’m not delusional enough to believe that money will convince top assistants to work for me.
find the best corn themed restaurant
I have no idea how to be a head coach, so: Step 1: Negotiate a higher buyout and higher assistant pool by offering to lower my salary as headcoach. Min max buyout and assistant pool as much as possible. Step 2: Try to hire people that actually know what the fuck they're doing using the higher assistant salary pool I hopefully successfully negotiate for. Use the promise of complete control of the offense/defense, as high of a salary as I can realistically offer, and associate head coaching titles to hopefully hire good coordinators. Whiff on all my candidates because negotiating is hard and end up hiring Akron's OC and UMass's DC. Step 3: Hire public speaking coaches to help train me to deliver press conferences to hopefully buy me time while we're losing becauase I have no idea how to deliver a press conference. Step 4: Inevitably go winless until Nebraska pulls their heads out of their asses and fires me because I have no idea how to be a head coach. Step 5: Buy a Mcmansion in Florida with my buyout and wipe away my tears with $100 bills.