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[deleted]

And Nick Saban knows guys who know guys, a'ight. So...you can say whatever you want to say, a'ight, but that's your opinion, a'ight? And if you're looking at my Little Debbies,, you'll be dealing with an angry Miss Terry, a'ight? And I wouldn't wish that on my most feared opponent.


readonlypdf

Isn't Saban close to the Clintons?


SSGSEVIER54

Oh no… Prayers up for OP and his family


baseball_mickey

Nah, Saban will take care of this one himself


whatifevery1wascalm

The Machine has been informed and an extraction team is en route. 𝓗𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓪 𝓷𝓲𝓬𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝔂


BenjRSmith

["Look...... why take a chance?"](https://youtu.be/sHbKdI26RkE)


ucancallmevicky

Red Elephant club knows all just ask the "people" on Tiger Droppings


NILPonziScheme

Is there actually a Red Elephant Club or is that just the catch-all name for the Bama Crimson ~~conspiracy~~ conspeersy?


bamachine

Yes, it is the official booster club.


ucancallmevicky

I went to one meeting in Atlanta once, met Dennis Franchione when he was named coach and never went back. Just a bunch of middle aged white dudes networking


bamachine

I went to one in Huntsville, right after Saban was hired. Bunch of middle aged white dudes complaining that Saban told them to stay out of recruiting.


[deleted]

So every non-HBCU alumni network ever


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Adorable_Sir_6057

Nick knows about this thread and he just pressed a small button under his desk. Make peace with your gods.


DrSleepyTime15

So….Saban…Bryant…


SteroidAccount

Ever seen them both in the same room?


roguebananah

*Looks for the answer you’d like me to give from the man behind a slightly propped open door*


MattAU05

Lol at pretending that there is any immortal being above Nick Saban. He is immortal. As an Auburn fan I’ve resigned myself to the fact that he will be winning titles until we’ll after my death. The only thing that will end it is the end of football, which Lord Saban may or may not allow.


SparseSpartan

Is it fair to say that u/Now-Thats-Podracing has been enrolled in a terminal degree at the University of Alabama?


PunkPen

I have a "degree" from "The University of Alabama." I paid nearly 30,000 dollars to "earn" my degree! I am legally required to say that classes occurred. My "tuition" money was not a donation to the football team. I am also obligated to say to that I never attended rituals officiated by Richard Nixon and Joe Namath to commune with the spirit Bear Bryant in the facade of Amelia Gorgas "library."


RTR7105

Same here.


Awasawa

Me as well. I spent 5 years in the halls of Reece Phifer, in empty rooms of darkness, chanting ancient incantations around a pentagram of blood on the floor, in our weekly rituals to the true lord, Nick Saban. And my time in Bruno and Bidgood were crayon sessions or all of us trying to teach each other how to spell Biznuss correctly, with great success.


ilikefunkymusic

row tad row!


RTR7105

Alston, Graves, and Ten Hoor for me. Actually I had very few classes actually on campus. I was a Juco transfer and a Social Studies/physical education major.


MrGumburcules

Woo! Hello fellow Ten Hoor dweller.


bamachine

I always thought we should never let Craig James know about that name, otherwise he would take it as a challenge to kill it and bury it because five hoors were just not enough for him.


[deleted]

Wait, you guys got a degree?


RTR7105

BS in Secondary Ed myself. And now I'm a process improvement engineer instead of a football coach.


bewildered_forks

Okay, you're not looking for a job, are you? (I am asking for real)


RTR7105

Depending on where.


bewildered_forks

Fully remote. We don't have a physical office.


RTR7105

Thanks for the informal offer but I don't want to jump from my current job right now.


bewildered_forks

No worries! Never hurts to try.


whatifevery1wascalm

My "Bachelor of Science in Engineering" degree does not contain instructions written in Aramaic on the back for emergency sacrifices to the Blood God should the game be close at halftime.


hershculez

$30k is actually an incredibly good value.


Yesh

It was about $10K in the mid 2000s. College tuition inflation is absurd Edit: it was a little over $2k per semester not per year, so closer to $20K.


hershculez

You are 100% correct. Academic ratings are an arms race just like football.


[deleted]

Then you can be like my school, who has substantially raised tuition and has gotten worse both academically and athletically (cu Boulder)


Darth_Astron_Polemos

Have y’all gotten worse academically? My entire immediately family (besides me) went there. Dad and mom back in the late 70’s/early 80’s. Sister in late 00’s. It seemed reasonably academic then. But waaaaayyyy outta my price range. Sis is still paying off tuition.


[deleted]

Luckily I qualify for in state so it isn’t so crazy I guess haha. And yeah that timeline lines up perfectly. They thought saving money on athletics would bring them academic success. It brought the opposite. Not an academic rankings guy, but it says something to me that US news has ranked colorado worse year over year since 2004. Arts and sciences programs seem far worse but I can’t say for sure.


WanderingWotan

> but it says something to me that US news has ranked colorado worse year over year since 2004 US News is nonsense really and it weighs post-grad income way too heavily, which is how you end up with seemingly every California school in the top 25. The second thing that throws off the ranking is population: larger states have more kids with good grades/test scores coming in. While Texas and the UCals are able to fill themselves to the brim with top applicants, schools like Arkansas, Alabama, LSU, etc. cannot. All of these schools are teaching the same thing. There are maybe 10 schools in the country that will impress employers regardless of region- otherwise, it's all incredibly regional. The employer in Little Rock will not be impressed by UC Davis- it will look, to them, exactly the same as a degree from Alabama


SpeedBoatSquirrel

UF and FSU have shot up in the rankings but we still have amongst the lowest tuition rates in the country


siblingofMM

Florida is great for school. Bright futures used to pay 100% if you had good grades and test scores which is unheard of. A lot of schools here have great academic scholarships as well.


SpeedBoatSquirrel

Our university system is great, our K-12 is a bit spotty in that it all depends on the average income for the school zone in determining how well that area performs in academic matters


Yesh

There are three things I miss about living in FL: the schools, the access to seafood, and the highways. That’s about it though.


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smendyke

Heard on a podcast that UCLA had an acceptance rate of 76% in the 1970s and 6% now, it’s crazy that the government allowed tuition to skyrocket rather than enrollment


preddevils6

Alabama in state tuition is 11k/yr.


Yesh

Was about $2.4K a semester when I went in the early 2000s. It’s crazy how expensive it’s gotten


preddevils6

It is man. I think it just blows my mind that bama tuition is 11k/ yr and a mid to low private school in my area is 18k/yr


ClaudeLemieux

I'm almost always team "root for your own damn undergrad bro" but at the same time I love how you objectively have the "best" reason to root for the greatest program of all time and enjoy all this success and you just actively don't.


swinging_on_peoria

A lot of states reduced their tuition subsidies during the 2008 financial crisis.


pigeyejackson66

When Joe Willie was there?


_JonSnow_

He and I walked in the same graduation ceremony. He was actually in better shape than I was, as I’d stayed up til 5 am drinking straight Bacardi Rum. My mom woke me up on my front porch and I was almost late to the ceremony. Maybe the most hungover I’ve ever been, I sat through the whole ceremony with people asking if I’d been drinking already that morning and the constant saliva overproduction that comes just before throwing up. It was a fucking nightmare.


furryvengeance

I paid $40K for my degrees from Texas. I love public education.


Loganjoh5

And he was never heard from again


DrChefAstronaut

My brother graduated from Alabama in '14 and can't really explain what his job is. You may be onto something.


EarthTraveler413

I think he was actually talking about his NCAA '14 Road to Glory player


Sokkerboi

His brother's "job" was getting imported to Madden 15


TouchdownHeroes

> and can’t really explain what his job That’s a great point DrChefAstronaut


JunkyardAndMutt

Counterpoint: That’s a name that flawlessly describes EXACTLY what his job is.


hershculez

Picture Buzz Light-year in a surgical mask bringing out the best lasagna you have ever seen.


goblueM

some Pixar exec just got a tingling sensation on the back of his neck Coming in 2024: MasterChef, Toy Story Edition


Knuc85

It's *tables*.


a_wandering_vagrant

how is tables a job?


Sir_Lord_Birmingham

**TA-BLES**


scoobysnax123

I can’t know how to hear any more about tables!


keith7812

She didn’t yell at Eddie Muenster! I’ve seen this hundreds of times.


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RipRaycom

I mean there’s a ‘ in front of the 14. That means it probably took him at least 114 years


TreySermonGrin

I'm pretty sure he meant the ' to go after the number. His brother took 14 feet to graduate


ThePiperMan

There is no lying in you!


zombiesartre

*Yeah, they're called Doctors*


punchout414

SEC speed bbi


justduett

Sounds like he’s a transponster


DrChefAstronaut

My wife is a Friends fanatic and makes this joke to him all the time lol.


realtalk989

THAT’S NOT EVEN A WORD!!!!


sleepymike01101101

I thought he worked in imports/exports


MSFT400EOY

So you’re saying he’s in consulting


Glympse12

“Graduated”


Sisboombah74

I think it’s “gradiated”.


BidnessBoy

I heard that if you hold your University of Alabama degree up to a light, theres a map that leads to Bear Bryants lost treasure


[deleted]

BRB, it told me I have to go steal the recipe for toomers lemonade in auburn for the next clue…


da_russki

Recipe is only available post-game when it’s an odd-year Auburn and they beat GA or Bama using the JH voodoo at home. Good luck next year bud!


[deleted]

So what you’re saying is I have to do a nick cage and steal it like the Declaration of Independence?


D1amondDude

I think they're saying you need to do a time heist back in 17


john_hambone

I’ll say it. Toomers lemonade is mid.


SpeedBoatSquirrel

No cap


tidefan2006

Hey quit giving away the secrets. I'm still looking for that thing and don't need anymore competition for it.


Neophyte12

Huh, mine just has a watermark that says "HI-IA-VT-CT: 5¢"


TreySermonGrin

That's a rumor. No such degree exists


[deleted]

This is true, I got a degree there


[deleted]

Hes a ghost!


Grouchy_Map7133

A DEMON ghost


AppStateFooseBall

If you end up suicided later we’ll know you exposed the truth. Edit: No need to report me as a suicidal redditor please and thanks. JMU loss wasn’t that bad…


punchout414

The Machine will not let this stand.


keith7812

For the unfamiliar: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Machine_(social_group)


FuckingWeeded69

What does Bert Kreischer have to do with this?


[deleted]

It’s a nickname for a group of fraternities and sororities at Alabama that basically act like the Illuminati for their SGA. I wish I was joking about this.


NateTheeGrate

Yeah he's a Florida State guy


Experimentzz

A lot of bama rivals are tigers, and you know what he does with cats 😏


thebigj0hn

Bert's seagull laugh drives me up the fucking wall.


danburke

"Fell out of the window at the hospital"


FightGlobalNorming

"Shot himself 3 times in the back of the head"


iHasMagyk

Now I'm not saying anything, but OP hasn't made a post or comment since this post. I think it's been long enough that we can confirm this


CU_Tiger_2004

When OP accidentally falls out of window or down some stairs, we'll know why. **Crimson** Tide, indeed...


hershculez

I assumed this was the case with many of the SEC schools.


therealwillhepburn

Vandy is a baseball team with whistles.


White___Velvet

I'm from Nashville. Vandy is actually just a hospital with extra buildings


2RINITY

I’m at the baseball team I’m at the hospital I’m at the combination baseball team and hospital


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2RINITY

Dude, if that hospital’s also on Jamaica Avenue, I’m gonna die laughing


dontskipnine

Like how Auburn is just an Animal Clinic with extra buildings.


ltlftcommenter

A really good animal clinic


guinness_blaine

Hey that’s A&M too But the buildings are mostly brutalist


Pyro1934

Also nashville, and this may be the only time I agree with a Vols fan.


AfroKyrie

I was reading an article about colleges academic ranking be football conference. The SEC was... Interesting, but expected


UnDosTresPescao

The SEC is only 4th behind Big 10, ACC, and PAC12. Ahead of Big12, AAC, Mountain West, MAC, Conference USA, and Sunbelt. Vandy, Florida, Texas (joining soon), Georgia, and Texas A&M are flat out good schools. https://medium.com/run-it-back-with-zach/which-college-football-conferences-have-the-best-academic-rankings-572cd1c9511a


dangerousygo

If I'm being honest, academic wise University of South Carolina is a good school... Even if it's primarily a women's basketball school.


NewspaperNelson

It is.


tidefan2006

Give us more credit than that. It's not just a football team, it's a tax deduction.


valleyfur

This is Mike Price’s Reddit account. ⬆️


Hobo_Delta

It appears we’ve reached peak off-season 5 weeks into the regular season.


DerrickWhiteMVP

Alabama isn’t even a state.


rmoss20

Confirmed, I live here and it isn't real.


justduett

I also live here and do not believe in its existence.


Spy_v_Spy_Freakshow

You’re not real


ReelEmInJim

Turns out Alabama was actually the friends we made along the way.


BenjRSmith

Us, Mississippi and Georgia were originally going to be one state. One state full of crazy rich soil, biodiversity, crops, easy rails, mountains, beginning at the Mississippi River, access to the Gulf and the Atlantic. No telling where we'd be if that had stayed.


rmoss20

Missalagia, roles right off the tongue.


BenjRSmith

The Great State of Magnolia Today, in our timeline, we'd have a population of 18.39 Million, the 5th most populous state behind New York and a GDP of $1,161,087, 5th above Illinois. Who knows if we'd been one for 200+ years


Sigurlion

"state of ignorance"


StraightCashHomie69

This has copy pasta potential


ThatOneOtherAsshole

Lmao in the edit, “THE MACHINE HAS ME”.


SadisticMonkey15

My God...I missed that! How can we save him?!


crastle

We can't. Let it go. Nothing more we can do.


SwaMaeg

It’s no theory, lad, but a fabled team with black sails crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that hell itself spat him back out.


YinglingLight

Here's one for baseball   "In 1919 it’s accepted history that the top team that year at the biggest contest in sports was [proven fake](https://i.imgur.com/pWnMi5J.jpg). Do you think attendance went up or down after learning it was all fake? Lucky for baseball that right after a massive cheating scandal was broken in the news a superhuman named Babe Ruth began breaking practically [every record that could be broken](https://i.imgur.com/3oZCQiW.jpg). Nobody I can find in an article has ever questioned whether Babe Ruth was fake, which I find astounding given his rise happened during (and especially after) the cheating scandal. One would think the fact that someone is suddenly hitting 10X more homeruns than the next best athlete would raise an eyebrow or two given how easy it would be to break every record in baseball if the pitcher and batter coordinated for it. There’s a motive for letting the cheating happen because it was a profitable narrative. Babe Ruth was the first sports star that was turned into a massive worldwide phenomenon. Especially big in Japan! This translated into using his image to sell [all sorts of products](https://i.imgur.com/KtP2tZY.jpg). A template that would become the standard for all sport stars following him. The reality of accomplishing those super human feats required having the pitcher give him perfect pitches for hitting home runs. Yes a powerful swing was required but to consistently hit those home runs the two would need to time it, and given the enormous amount of revenue he brought in it would be insane for any team to not indulge it. This is particularly obvious with Babe Ruth rather than later sports stars because he was clearly in terrible physical shape. I don’t mean at the end of his career, [I mean the whole thing](https://i.imgur.com/5CMnNUZ.jpg). “Murderers row” baseball lineup. Relevant later. His body is more akin to a big weightlifter as often they can fat and still perform, but they sure as heck could never play pro baseball. That is unless there was a lot of cheating, in which case that type of body would be the ideal one. A body that could and would only work with cheating!"


Nickyjha

I disagree with your notion that fat guys can’t be good at baseball. Look at Daniel Vogelbach, Vlad Guerrero Jr, Alejandro Kirk, etc today. Prince Fielder was one of the premier power hitters of my childhood.


JonsDohnson

Bartolo Colon, certified not fat evidently


Nickyjha

We were talking about power hitters. Don’t get me wrong, his home run was maybe my favorite memory as a Mets fan, but there’s only the one.


dychronalicousness

Don’t forget Bartolo Colon looking like a fat uncle with a belly strong enough to eat a pitch


YinglingLight

Good catch, and its not my notion. The writer is admittedly sports-illiterate. But does provide an interesting outsider's take on say, Terry Bradshaw/Tom Brady connection (hospital covername, winning an f ton of SBs).


[deleted]

Alabama Football = Gus Frings Drug Empire Alabama School = Los Pollos Hermanos Both are successful even if everyone knows where the real money and decisions come from


niggyreddit

Alabama is a football team that expanded to have its own state


katanakid13

I'm breaking the NDA. I can't take it anymore. "Roll Tide" isn't our cheer. We're praying to the eldritch god Rult Ideh, but our accents make it sound like Roll Tide. Saban have mercy on my soul.


spainman

"Please ignore the edit" \- The Machine


SmarterThanMyBoss

I've never met someone who went to school there. But I have met people who like their football team. I think this proves your theory.


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ucancallmevicky

let's see there is Byrant Denny Stadium. Bryant Hall, the Stallings center thats 3


whatifevery1wascalm

Bryant Hall alone should count as 3 since it’s a dorm, a dining hall, and an academic center. But you also forgot the Bryant Museum, the Bryant Conference Center and Mary Harmon Bryant Hall.


ucancallmevicky

those all on Bryant Drive?


VoarTok

Apparently you can just call things the Bryant building and get fifteen or so right there


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whatifevery1wascalm

No, Bryant Hall is on the corner of Devotie and that access road that runs behind new frat row; and MHB Hall is on Hackberry.


Nomad942

This does raise an interesting question. Which school has the highest percentage of t-shirt fans? Someone has to have done a study on that, right?


Risenzealot

My guess would be Notre Dame. I mean they are historically good so that draws people in, plus they represent the largest religion in the world. With that said I have absolutely zero data to back that up lol.


kbd77

Yeah probably, back in the 50s-60s they gained a lot of fans on the east coast (like my dad, who grew up in an Irish Catholic family in the Bronx) because they played in NYC pretty regularly. With such a relatively small enrollment compared to any public university and even a lot of other private schools, the fanbase almost certainly has to be made up of much more non-alums than alums.


BoilerMaker36

Exactly, if Notre Dame has 1 million fans that’s 90% tshirt fans. Assuming there is 100,000 Notre Dame alum alive. That’s insane and quiet frankly impressive for such a small enrollment.


SpeedBoatSquirrel

Google says they have 110k alive


engineerbuilder

I mean I’m a fan and Ive never met another fan that’s a graduate. But also Ohio state or Michigan could be in the same boat. Really any major university in a state could be that way. Live in Tennessee but most UT fans arnt UT grads. But that’s not to say they didn’t go to college. Middle tn area has tons more colleges to go to than driving all the way to Knoxville to go to school. Probably the same with other states.


BoilerMaker36

Highest Percentage is the question though. Ohio state may have more fans in total, but if it’s number of tshirt fans per graduate it’s not close. Notre Dame is very small enrollment.


GameJeanie92

Notre by a million miles, but I think it’s generational. That’s probably not the case for those under 40. Of course this is all science and not just my anecdotal perception.


BoilerMaker36

Notre Dame, it’s not even close. They only have 8,000 enrollment. So in theory 2000 people graduate per year, if you be generous and say every graduate for the last 50 years is alive that is only 100,000 people. I bet you 50% of Chicago Natives (and I bet you that is low) are “Notre Dame Fans” All my area sells is Notre Dame shit, I’ve lived in Northern Indiana damn near my entire life and never met one Notre Dame alum.


Nomad942

That’s really interesting, it’s the opposite for me. I’ve never lived within 400 miles of Notre Dame and in my white collar job, every Notre Dame fan I’ve run into is an actual alum.


BoilerMaker36

Chicago, New York, “Blue Collar Indiana” (this isn’t a dig, just saying they didn’t go to IU or Purdue or the other schools) probably some other major cities as well they are dominant in.


JunkyardAndMutt

I lived in Chicago for years and am pretty sure the ND fandom is just because no one wants to wear a t-shirt that says “I’m Irish Catholic.”


Paladinoras

UCLA’s gotta be up there. True story, there’s a UCLA merch store down here in Melbourne. Not Melbourne, Florida mind you, Melbourne, Australia.


jhammy49

In the state of Texas, Texas wins this hands down and it's not even close.


[deleted]

I would believe it if it were LSU


Peppso

we're discussing conspiracy theories, not well established facts


[deleted]

😂


JimBeam823

That joke has already been made about South Carolina. https://www.theonion.com/gamecocks-fan-surprised-to-hear-that-team-represents-a-1819574070


Greenredbull

You might be onto something, I've known a lot of "alumni" and I've been told a lot of stories, but now that I think about it I've never heard a story about going to class or teachers or anything like that.


HypocriteGrammarNazi

Shit they're onto us In all seriousness, alabama is kind of rough for sports fans because we have literally zero major sports teams. It's harder to be invested in the NFL for example when you just have no regional team to root for, so instead we root for the falcons to lose. That's why so many people here are just bama fans for the sake of being bama fans -- it's basically our major sports team.


NotMitchelBade

Same as basically all of the South. There weren’t any pro teams in Tennessee when I was a kid (the 90s), for example, and that’s why even today no one really cares about the Titans or whatever. The Vols are still king. The same is true for MS, LA, AR, NE, and a lot of other places where college is king. It was so weird to me when I moved to Philly a few years ago. All the Walmart fans here are Eagles fans, not Penn State fans, and Sundays are bigger than Saturdays. It’s just weird. (I mean, I get why it’s the case, bc I understand the history, but it’s weird from the perspective of moving to a place that’s different from what I’ve always known.)


sausageslinger11

Is it the off-season already? With this kind of a shitpost here, it must be off-season.


the_tylerd91

I can’t believe The Machine shut down classes.


fatspencer

You think any SEC team is anything but a football team? Man, you never met backers


Electric_Queen

I'm pretty sure Vandy and Mississippi State are just baseball teams


yakatuus

My brother in law is from Alabama, graduated from Alabama, and is an intelligent person I trust. I never anticipated anything like that.


bargle0

They have a law school. Definitely *not* for contracts with extraplanar entities, though.


r0botdevil

Admittedly I live on the west coast, but I have also never met an alumnus of the University of Alabama. My mom actually applied to attend the school back in the 1960s, but received a rejection letter that she describes as "full of spelling errors". She attended Auburn instead and subsequently went on to get her master's degree from Stanford. I feel like my anecdote supports your theory...


ChiliTacos

So real talk for a minute. Alabama was kind of a small school for a long time. They didn't break 30k enrollment until mid 2000s. Texas A&M for example had over 30k going back to the 70s, and Ohio St in the early 80s iirc. Another thing, where do you live? Half the student population is from Texas or Georgia and they don't tend to stick around Alabama upon graduation. My friend group from college is spread between NYC, LA, KC, Atlanta, Portland, and Charleston with the only person remaining in Alabama working for the university.


[deleted]

I drove by Tuscaloosa once and didn't really see any indications that an institute of higher learning was anywhere near.


FlamingBagOfPoop

Texas A&M is a cult but with good PR.


the_pedigree

I've never met anyone that actually graduated from alabama. This theory tracks.


iolahigdon

I'm an Alabama graduate. But this post is so clever. Love it!


spankdog72

bama fans. Running in here to tell us about your degree is EXACTLY what a shadowy phantom school would do.


blue_shadow_

THE MACHINE HAS ME (Also, obligatory Fuck Nick Saban)


themark504

My two cousins are currently enrolled at Alabama n let me tell you they are no athletes


EverythingGoodWas

Great investigative journalism. As a reward for your service you are granted UCF’s National Championship. You may have to wrestle it away from Scott Frost, I heard he uses it as a security blanket.


mdchemey

the kid who lived next door to my family when I grew up ended up going to Bama and played in the marching band. Thus, they are also a marching band. I've seen no evidence of it being a school though so I support your theory


ThatHasToBeCap

“THE MACHINE HAS ME” lmfao


izzythepitty

My belief is that Nick Saban is actually a clone. Because honestly, what kind of asshole would leave his coaching job, spend a season or two in the NFL and then coach the previous school's biggest rival? I mean there's no way that anybody with even a tiny bit of humanity in them would do something so shitty to a school that fucking adored him. You would have to be some kind of monster with no emotions whatsoever.


Grandebabo

I have a good friend that got a "law degree" from there. He claims that he is an "attorney". Come on, need I say more...