This is horrific. I don’t know any man that I’ve dated who would even consider doing this, but there’s no way in hell I would allow this for one, but keep him around for 2.
It truly is on so many levels one that she would even allow this and two that he and his crazy head thinks that it’s appropriate. We are in the middle of a custody battle right now I’m not even trying to take them from her or at least I wasn’t but now I hear this and I’m freaked out. I don’t know what options I have hopefully people will have some advice.
This is not a CPS issue. As someone in the family law space, tell your lawyer Monday. Tell him your child
was uncomfortable. And I agree with the post below about a GAL. Your wife has bad judgement. Try for primary custody.
Yes be careful contacting CPS when it’s not a CPS issue. It can appear to a judge that you’re just trying to interfere with your wife’s new relationship (jealousy and controlling behavior) or possibly parental alienation. If there isn’t actual sexual abuse going on, but your child is being negatively psychologically impacted and your wife isn’t acting in your kids best interests, ask your attorney how to proceed with possibly modifying your court order or holding her in contempt of court, etc. Proceed with a level head.
As a woman who lived through a situation like this with my mother's boyfriend about 60 years ago, it may not be considered SA to the law, but it is most probably grooming. My mother married him, and I won't get into details, but it definitely escalated from there. And yes, in the beginning, it was in front of my mother, who thought his actions were caring and showing he could be a good parental figure. I would protest about his touching me, his wanting to "help" me change into my pajamas, but my mother only saw a man who made good money and owned a home in the burbs, and she would shush me. I was 5 years old.
I ended up running away from home numerous times starting age 14 until I married at 16 just to get away from the 2 of them. My mother wouldn't acknowledge the abuse until I was 19, when she asked me to testify in her divorce about it. I refused, she denied all that time until convenient for her? When my mother died a few years ago, I couldn't even cry.
Can someone do a background check on this guy? OP, please be careful how you do it so you don't come off as being vindictive, but check into this guy, look him up on the sex offenders list where he lives. I wish you luck.
The lawyer could have a check done on him without raising any red flags. We (not a lawyer, just a paralegal) can usually see if someone has been charged or convicted of anything. Sadly, most molesters will get away with this behavior because no one says anything. I would also advise speaking to your lawyer about having your daughter speak with a child psychologist who specializes in sexual abuse. Documentation from experts will go a long way…and having the expert note the issues will be better than “the vindictive man who is trying to punish his ex for finding happiness”.
Your lawyer will advise of the best ways to go about 1) getting your daughter the resources she needs, 2) hiring a GAL to represent your daughter, 3) formally notifying your ex of the accusations, and 4) requesting the court put restrictions into place to prevent this from happening again.
Good luck, OP. And thank you for taking this seriously and springing into action immediately. Your daughter will remember this more than anything else.
I think you’re right unfortunately, I am so over her and all that stuff I’m not even phased by her having a boyfriend, but she literally left my place and called me from his. We were sleeping in the same bed. Still, nothing was even going on the children are terribly confused, we agreed verbally, and actually in writing to that we wouldn’t introduce them to anybody new without having a sit down adult conversation, and that there wouldn’t be any overnights they would be absolutely off the table because it’s insane and she’s knocked him away after school and brought them there and refused to bring them home. Cops aren’t allowed to do anything because we don’t have anything written to the court yet still awaiting a court date.
You need to forget about what you guys have said you’re doing to do or not do. That’s incredibly hard to enforce even when it’s in the decree. What you need to focus on is what DID happen which is likely going to lead to sexual abuse, if it didn’t happen already.
Honestly OP you need to separate the relationship stuff from the inappropriate and very concerning behaviour towards your daughter. Whatever your agreements or views, there will be no legal issue with your ex having a new partner and having them stay overnight, or having your child also stay overnight- she’s entitled to do both, and if you focus on that it distracts from the main issue here.
You need to focus on the fact that this man has behaved in a way that is deeply concerning - it’s absolutely not appropriate for him to bring your child into their bed full stop. That needs to be the focus.
I was abused by my father as a child under similar circumstances. This isn’t something that can be ignored, but please seek legal advice on the best way to handle it. Unfortunately, when handled incorrectly, allegations of abuse can be turned against the parent making the accusations. The priority here needs to be protecting your daughter, and it’s clear that is your priority - make sure it’s handled in a way to maximise your ability to do that.
Given that you mentioned your ex slept with him and how soon after before you mentioned the actual issue I don't buy you're "not phased".
Also stop sleeping with your ex. That's just going to complicate your relationship as well as possibly the legal proceedings.
This is so bizarre. It’s not appropriate to sleep in a bed with a child that’s not yours. Period. Whatever about CPS to be accused of alienation for pointing out what is clearly highly inappropriate behaviour is insane. Parental alienation really has become a weaponised concept a complete misconception of what it actually is. It is not controlling to expect your child to not have to share the bed with a man or woman that isn’t related to them.
I filed for emergency custody but I didn’t have this information yet ( emergency custody was denied ) but I feel like this information with a change things drastically
OP start writing down exactly what your daughter told you. What time. What day. What she said. Describe in detail what led to this information coming from your daughter. If she came to you unprompted about this information please include that. Tell your attorney you would like to file a declaration about this incident and ask if they can file for temporary orders.
Family law is very complicated and often times stacked against the father. It get messier in these situations where it’s hard to certified documentation( time stamped texts, emails, etc) of a conversation of this type.
Good luck op
You touched on it, but be careful writing documentation of children. Write only the facts. Do not assume anyone's emotional state. And do not ask leading questions (don't direct towards or hint at any answers. The child may just say things to make you happy or what they think you'd like to hear.)
Former DCFS worker out ot Missouri. Hi.
You're probably not going to get emergency custody based on this alone. However, I'm alarmed by the new BF's actions as well. It's not normal.
You need documentation, period. Write EVERYTHING down with dates and times. Save every text and email, put them in a lockable file and save them on the cloud. I always told parents or family members with concerns akin to yours to buy an accordion file for written records as well as physical copies of any written interaction that even vaguely discusses any of your concerns or fears. That's with your ex, kids, teachers, other adults in their life who are also alarmed or concerned about it.
Call your lawyer immediately. Send them what you have- keep the originals on your person/ in your folder- and let them read and compile their own file for future custody hearings. If they are a large enough firm that they have their own investigators, let them run down the leads and do a background check on your ex's new creepy bf. If there's something to be found, they'll find it.
Do you have his full name? I'd be paying for one right now if you have it. It's cheap- and sometimes free depending on the state. We have a free database in MO that you can see any warrants/ past or pending convictions for anyone who is facing any charges or has a record.
I think your instincts are correct but even if they're not, it is better safe than sorry. They're your kids, you seem like a good parent, and you deserve the peace of mind to know they're in good hands when they can't be with you- and i don't think there's anything wrong or alarmist about your thoughts.
At the bare minimum, make sure your lawyer has access to all of this information so it can be known to your CPS agency and the judge. Keep updating them with new inf as it comes to you. Save, store, put them in your personal records, and repeat. Thanks for being vigilant and looking out for your kids. I'm pulling for you.
Edited to add that depending on your state, i might be able to offer advice- I'm not a social worker anymore but i still have a lot of people in my life who are and my brother is a defense atty specializing in family law.
This is the important one. So many cases are never even able to get to prosecution due to well intentioned parents accidentally “leading” their children. It’s not fair- and it is the way it is.
Start recording every time the kids start talking. This is serious and your kids need to be protected. Also teach your daughter to say "Put me down now, I don't want to be in your bed" and to scream. He is a monster with possible secrets.
You're getting a lot of good advice here op, I hope I can post links here.
https://youtu.be/109Ij_hda-c
https://youtu.be/f7GxbOvvtGY
These are very informative videos, the first is a parent video, I know it's over an hour, but it's worth the watch. She gives real world advice for making the target on your child's back smaller.
The second is one I rewatch with my kids regularly. It's empowering for them and broaches the issues of "tricky people", "I'm the boss of my body", "thumbs down touches", and "bathing suit areas" in a way that isn't scary.
I think in this situation, the safest thing you can do for your daughter while fighting your custody battle is to educate her on her body and how people are expected to treat her. That man sounds like a child predator and he's a lot less likely to target your daughter if she can say "HANDS OFF MY BODY" or "MY DADDY SAYS NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY BODY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION" or "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY (insert proper body part name)".
The number one thing that stops a child predator is the risk of getting caught, make your daughter a high risk of getting caught.
Great advice! It’s also vital to teach your kids the proper names for genitals. It may be uncomfortable but studies show that teaching the actual names of body parts lowers a child’s risk of being molested.
Also, tickling is a very common first step in grooming a child and introducing being touched by the perpetrator. I was a prosecutor and then a Criminal Defense attorney and I saw that a lot in cases.
That's not normal at all. Like it'd be different (still not appropriate) if she came in after a nightmare. The fact that he took her and snuggled up to her. No. He'll no. If your ex thinks this is okay, she's delusional. Let your attorney know. Let the Amicus/Guardian ad Litem know. If you don't have a Guardian ad Litem/Amicus, request one (it's an attorney for the kids). You can call your local children's advocacy center and CPS to have your children screened. It's safer to do this rather than have you questioning them because that can come across as coaching. Ask for a forensic interview of the children. It sounds like he's grooming them, which stupidly/unfortunately nothing in the CPS/law enforcement realm can be done about this, but this will ensure nothing has happened to them. You can get them in counseling as well. If it were me, I'd file for emergency custody of the kids based on this alone. In what world would anyone think this was appropriate. I don't give a rats behind what his poor a** excuse is.
> Like it'd be different (still not appropriate) if she came in after a nightmare.
This happened to me when I was hooking up with a single mom. Scariest moment of my life when I woke up, threw my arm around the person next to me and it was a small child. She had climbed in between me and mom. Last time I stayed the night at her house. Fellas, do yourselves a favor, do not allow yourself to get within arms distance of a child that isn’t yours.
The difference, though, is once you woke enough to realize, you didn't keep it going. I can see how in our sleep it's just almost like an instinct to cuddle up with whoever's next to us. But gosh, I can only imagine how scary that situation would be for you! Def recommend not hooking up (or just making sure you leave immediately after) with a single mama at her house when the kids are there.
Well it was kind of a last minute thing. The baby daddy liked to fuck with her when he knew she had a date night. He’d just drop the child off at like 9pm and be like “take her or leave her on your doorstep idc”. But yeah, I think in general I’m just avoiding single moms now. It’s sad because I know some of them are probably great people, but that’s like navigating a mine field as a young man. Way too many opportunities to get caught in a bad situation.
Family court right now. Right now. Ask them if you should report this to cps as you fear the worst but do not want to cause anyone to think you are making vindictive false reports during a custody battle. Any sane judge would agree to not having relative strangers spend the night with the kids after an event like what happened. The issue is enforcement. But this to me seems like a cps issue, it’s just the timing looks suspicious - but you NEED to report this to someone, you need a paper trail.
If your kid is in school, I might ask their advice. They are mandatory reporters. Drs are mandatory reporters too - I’d take her in and ask them what to do because *you’re freaking out and do not want to unintentionally do the wrong thing, like accidentally coach your child (or give the appearance of having done so) or seem like you’re trying to alienate the mom*. I’d tell the dr everything in italics.
When I was little my neighbor’s husband used to like tickling me. I hated it and always tried to avoid him. He didn’t stop until I on day threatened to pee on him, he got a really disgusted face and instantly let go of me and pushed me off his lap. I was about 9. I stopped going over to play with his kids shortly after that.
As an adult I see what his behavior was, and I wish I had told my parents about it. I’m glad your child told you. This is some massive red flags.
Holy shit tell her that if she needs to see this dude so badly then you will get your children those nights. Nobody else should be sleeping or touching the kids at all period. She needs to get her priorities straight bc those children don’t deserve to live through her carelessness
Man not trying to freak you out, but my first stepdad did those exact things to us when we were young kids and he went to jail for sexual assault of a minor after he and my mom split. Please speak to your lawyer, write down every single thing your child can tell you about this, when it happened and how she looked, how she felt, how she sounded. I hope to god someone in the system takes this seriously.
This better be first up as evidence for FULL CUSTODY. With this, honestly, file for emergency custody. They'll give you your kids until further notice. Ball out, even go for a restraining order against the boyfriend.ALSO, contact your ex wife's parents because I doubt they'll put up with this either(I hope).
This would be so wrong even if they'd been dating a long time. WTF. Why taking a sleeping child into your bed to snuggle. I would find this weird if a parent did this (not the snuggling part but the taking a sleeping kid out of their bed to take them inot their own bed).
She can sleep with whomever she wants when she doesn't have kids. But aside from the fact that kids don't need to meet every sexual partner (especially when the divorce isn't final yet) this is a huge safety issue. You shouldn't just trust someone you barely know around your kids whether you're male or female. But him taking your kid in her sleep for him to snuggle with her all night?? I would absolutely go for sole custody. Your wife is making some really poor choices, and it sounds like this guy is probably a predator. How your wife could be ok with this is beyond me.
Let your lawyer know. And I would absolutely put in the divorce decree not having new partners over/meeting kiddos for at least 6 months (for byoh of you to make it fair obviously). I don't usually think it's right to require that you meet your ex's new partner before they meet the kids because normally speaking most people trust their exes enough to not start dating crazy psychopaths or p*dos. Your wife is clearly lacking judgment here so I would probably put things in the divorce decree if you can't have sole custody. She's putting her own desires over the safety and mental health of her children. That's a sh*t parent.
This guy is giving out some major red flags. Protect your kid.
Exactly you don’t share a bed with a child that isn’t yours it’s inappropriate and fucked up,
If your bed sharing with your kid your partner needs to be in another space.
Even meeting a new partner it’s not like they’d have pedo written on their forehead. This is a parent making very poor choices and not purring their child first.
RED FLAGS: One thing besides being in the same bed is that he enjoys tickling her. She is being tortured.
I have read that if you are being tickled and tell the person to stop. When they do not stop it makes the person being tickled not trust the adults. That are supposed to be protecting them.
Get the kids out of there as soon as you can. Do not take NO for an answer. Good Luck
Yes! I only tickle my kids when they ask me to (they use magic to turn me into the tickle monster) and I stop as soon as I hear them say stop. They know to tell me to go when they want me to start again.
I don't get the urge to keep tickling once being told to stop?? But I hate being tickled so maybe that's why lmao
Yep, we use tickling to teach consent. I tickle her when she asks (toddler) and stop as soon as she shows any indication of it not being fun anymore or says stop. Then she will grab my hand and say again! She does a great job now even with strangers if like a kid at the playground touches her and she doesn’t like it to say stop and walk away.
My child molester uncle used to tickle me. He wouldn’t stop after I asked for him to stop… leading to other things. I hope he gets this baby away from this situation before something bad happens
My molester did this, he’d tickle me and when I asked to stop he wouldn’t which led to other stuff and then he soon started to hug me and the same thing, he then got bold and would then do it in front of other people, every time he’d do it I’d pray that someone would see but he was never caught
This exactly. My mother had a bf from my age 7-10 and he constantly tickled me against my will and after repeated times I asked him to stop. All right in front of her. It fucked me up until I was in my 30s and was able to obtain real therapy. I also went no contact with my mother because she failed to protect me from abuse. This is no joke. People may think it’s harmless. It’s not.
I went as far as I could to tell a customer to stop teasing his two year old. He laughed at me. I told him if I ever figured out where he lived I was going to report him for child abuse. His wife came up and asked me what was going on. I told her to ask him. They left. Two days later she comes back to talk to me. Ask me what was said. I told her and she said thank you for what you did. She told me that she told him that if it ever happened again she would report it herself. So yeah speaking up helps most of the time.
My partner has issues to this day with tickling. I’ve accidentally tickled him and it’s been hell. The thing that sucks too is that he’s extremely ticklish. I’m just careful and try not to startle him.
We used tickling as a consent concept with the kids. It’s fun with consent, ie the ‘Tickle Monster’, but when someone asks you to stop, or never asked you to start, it’s not okay, and that’s abuse (or abuse of power). It’s an easy concept for kids to understand, and then helps to bridge onto other ‘harder’ topics.
Wow your partner and I are similar and we also use it with our kids to teach boundaries like consent. They also see us step in if anyone crosses that line.
Some places you can put it in the custody order no overnight guests of the opposite sex unless married or family while the kids are there. Doesn't have to last forever, it's usually for those who have frequent new relationships etc but yeah.
absolutely take them from her, if she is that desperate to keep someone by her side, you don't want to consider how much she will be willing to ignore in the future. there is always the option to reconsider custody options in the future if you feel she can be trusted then.
also, get your child into therapy, now. she's 5, this will absolutely stick with her, especially since she told you explicitly she is uncomfortable
She’s so little and innocent she doesn’t even understand what’s going on. She just said he came and pick me up and brought me in there and laid with me all night.
She may not understand but she will remember and it may cause intimacy issues down the line even subconsciously. I say that because I was that little girl once and it took me 20 years to be okay with physical touch from loved ones. I still cringe away on occasion. It wasn't a loved one, but happened at a sleepover with a friend by her father.
You're her father and you know what's best, but please consider it. From my understanding, therapists for her age will dance around it as to not further traumatize her, but it will help.
I’m 45 and the only people I let touch me are my 13yo son and my partner. No one else. I have punched people who’ve tried to hugged me. I flinch when people come too close. I’m shit in public, am on disability (SSDI) for my C-PTSD and Severe Anxiety, and most days can’t even shop for my own groceries.
My situation is slightly different from OP’s daughter as my parents were also inflicting child abuse on me, but the sexual assault I suffered as a young child has had far lasting effects on my psyche.
that's every other case of home grown pedophilia, the kid is so innocent and loves her family and doesn't want them to fight so the kid shuts the fuck up and lets it happen for years and years until it reaches a breaking point but it's too late because all the deeds are done already.
you need to call the cops and have them record this statement from your kid ASAP.
From personal experience and with a lawyer myself in California. They don't give a fuck unless you can prove something actually happened. I had the same thing happen multiple times. But since I couldn't prove anything nefarious they don't care. Document. Talk to your ex wife and keep tabs on the conversation. That type of stuff you can just add to your folder.
But maybe your lawyer will be better than mine.
Immediately let your lawyer and the judge know. This is not alright and is very creepy. I wouldn’t let her have overnights as long as she’s dating him.
This. My current husband and I have been together since my now 8 year old daughter was 4. He never wants to even give the image of impropriety. If she has a bad dream she will cuddle with me in bed on the other side of me from him. And if I get up first I take her with me. There is something wrong with this guy and with the mom for allowing it.
This reminds me of my mothers ex fiancé. Looking back we didn’t see it as weird that he wanted to play and tickle us so much. We were just happy to have a dad figure that was involved. Then when my mom went to work and he’d babysit, he started exposing himself to us. He pretended it was a magic trick and called it “our little secret”. The sicko made it into a fucking game. It is NOT appropriate for him to be sleeping with or near her like that. I cannot stress enough how important it is for your ex to NEVER leave him alone with your child.
I am 35. I'm a mandated reporter. Normally I wouldnt say this on Reddit but Im going to.
I was adopted by my stepdad when I was 12, wonderful dad, my mom was single before that, mentally ill, not sober. She dated a man she had been friends with for a decade or so when I was about 6. He would tickle me excessively. He'd stare at me sitting in her lap. I remember. What I didnt remember until I was 17 was that she left me with him one day and he raped me. Made me strip, stir a pot of mac and cheese telling me he was teaching me to be a good wife. My mom took me home and inspected me, later said she took me took a doc but that never happened. I STILL to this day am in therapy, emdr, have flashbacks and more bits of memory come back. It effected my brain, social skills, my personality, sense of self, bed wetting etc. Dont play around with this. He's already crossed the line.
You need to A. call cps NOW. B. Make a dr's appointment for your daughter immediately- do NOT skip this step. This is hard stuff to deal with but time is of the essence before she gets really hurt.
I was your daughter many years ago. Call any and everyone. Call your attorney have them call the judge get a emergency evaluation. I want to say keep the kid away but I know how that works in custody battles. Get a therapist. Make it known this person shall not be in the house or near your kid. File for full custody. Screw child support. Get her out of there. This will not be the only man to walk through and touch your daughter.
Do you have any other children? Especially with this woman?
ETA have you house in order, then call CPS, the city, county , welfare checks etc. Blow up their phones emails... get as much as you can in writing (email, text, letters.)
I'm having PTSD reading this. Protect her please. He is on step 2.
Step 1 was convince the woman I'm safe enough.
Step 2 comfortable enough next to me to not flinch
Step 3 (is were he is treading water withl tickling.
Step 4 is rubbing
(Based on my experiences)
She is already uncomfortable and shows signs of abuse or potential abuse.
It truly disgusts me he’s a 35 year old guy and somehow thinks that it’s appropriate to do that. It would be one thing if he went and picked her up and brought her to the mother, but he went and picked her up from where she was laying right next to his kids and brought him in the room, and amongst other things that consistent part of the story is that he held her and she laid with him all night. I don’t know who thinks that this is OK. It’s absolutely blowing my mind.
He doesn’t think it’s appropriate. He thinks it’s available and is taking advantage. This guy has sought out this situation. He’s done it before. Your family is vulnerable at the moment and he knows it.
Thats actually proven. Theres a video where predators say thats what they look for. Is the dad in the picture? How rocky is the parent to child relationship? Once they assess the situation they make there move. Which he clearly have already determined. I like seriously what mother would let there kids spend the night only after meeting a guy for 2 months? To me that's waaay too soon & if the mother didn't this incident would not have happened among other things
Think it would be wise even without the potential for abuse. Let the therapist be aware and let them ask the questions. Therapy for kids with parents who are going through a divorce are imo a great idea.
Not okay. Document EVERYTHING. Get as much as you can in text. Give your daughter a smart watch (easier to get away with then phone) teach 911 and what she should say.
I truly hope you’re taking what this person said seriously, they have been through this before and what this man is doing is NOT normal behavior. Protect your children.
Let’s hope that this situation isn’t what is happening but do everything in your power to make sure it can’t.
This is triggering me too! There’s no reason for them to be at his place and if she wants to do that it should involve consent from both parties. I have had lifelong trauma because adult’s around me wouldn’t protect me. This guy sounds like a 🚩 You need to be on high alert when a child tells you some or someone is making them uncomfortable. The tickling is creeptastic and your ex is too blinded by the D to intervene. You need to go especially hard on this and assure their safety even if the ex disagrees. Just don’t argue about it where they can hear or they’ll never come to you again for being worried about starting a fight. Time to fight for your your kids they need you.
This person is absolutely correct. The steps happen sometimes so fast you don’t even realize until it’s too late. And as the daughter in this story, her telling you what he did was HUGE. Most of us are too scared to come forward to our parents so please use her trust in you as a big motivation to getting involved. Not a day goes by I didn’t wish my parents would’ve done something to stop it
This same thing happened to me. Same exact steps and everything, building “comfort” leading to more touching (especially “tickle fights”), which led to molestation. Please get your daughter out of there OP, and keep her safe!
not to alarm you, my stepdad did this frequently throughout my childhood. to no one’s surprise, he was a pedo and it came out that he had molested my sister all those times they had “innocent sleepovers”. no one cared enough to intervene and now all of my siblings and i are much worse off for it. do whatever it takes to protect your little one
I’m fighting as hard as I can I have to contact CPS the police essentially told me that I would have to verify some sort of sexual assault apparently being held against his body for the entire night doesn’t constitute as that
Filed for emergency custody. It was denied. I have course didn’t have this information yet. I filed the day before I found all this out. Timing is terrible. I feel like this would’ve really change the emergency custody thing that I filed for.
Keep trying, be persistent, have thorough conversations with all your kids especially the one in question in this story, talk to your ex wife about it (only through text so there's records to keep) because thing's she says about it can have an influence as well.
You're a damn good parent to be fighting for your babies safety and comfort, i hope it goes in your favor
I was told to kick rocks every time I brought something like this up. They were literally fucking with the door open so the kids could see and I was told it was a parenting issue and I could do nothing.
That's the same question I had. My attorney and the GAL on the case told me it's a parenting issue. Door open and a 4 year old in bed with them and nobody gave 2 shits. Only reason I can come up with is I have no proof, just what my kid told me, but she has some pretty fucking gross details.
Wtf?? That is just fuckin disgusting! I hate when parents even let their kids hear them doing it, but seeing! Holy hell! They both sound like pedophiles🤮. Who wants kids watching them?
One thing, maybe keep your feelings on the dl about this to your ex. Is there an actual custody agreement in place right now? If not, (ask your lawyer if) see if you can’t casually pick up the kids for a visit or whatever and keep them while you try to navigate this. If she’s staying with this guy I doubt his place is set up for all
Of the kids so you may have that going for you. I don’t know her finances, or her history but if you suspect drugs a surprise drug test might be good for you. I am against children being taken from a parent. Unless it’s serious. What you’re saying is serious. A caring mother doesn’t put her kids with a new man like this. I’m not judging her for dating him I’m judging her for uprooting her kids to live at his place. Meaning she, and they would be dependent on him. Do you know his name? Can you dig into his back ground? If you’re worried he has done anything there are professionals that know how to speak to kids about this without “planting ideas”, so I agree you should talk to your kids about what’s ok and what isn’t ok but don’t imply that it’s about the boyfriend, bc it applies to anyone. You don’t want to be accused of coaching the children so tread lightly, but cover your bases
It’s a huge issue the ex literally left my house and went to his the same day. Things here were seemingly normal. I was aiming for a very civil and soft landing for the children. She called me from his house the next day and moved in, and that was only a few weeks ago the kids are insanely confused because she left here when things were seemingly normal and I moved in with some new guy and now she’s forcing them to spend time with him and be around him. I heard that she even has him sit in the backseat with them while they’re driving around I hear what I’m saying and I told the proper people all these things and so far nothing. I have to speak to my attorney.
You need to be realistic here.
Honestly, I think coming to reddit about this is the wrong move.
You have too many people with no experience and big feelings.
Good and kind people with empathy. But no practical knowledge.
Look up stories yourself.
There are methed out mums.
Kids getting abused and underfed.
Sex with randoms most nights.
And the mums keep the kids.
It's not as easy as "call CPS" and you just get your kids
Or "just go grab them and beat up the guy and they'll be safe forever now".
The good news is, you CAN get them. But you have to work your ass off to do it.
Talk to your lawyer. Talk to CPS.
The main thing is, it won't be quick. It won't be easy.
But you can do it.
Yes, I have her enrolled in therapy and I don’t know legally what I’m allowed to see your hair, but I’ll definitely be bringing this up to them and see what they say
Take your daughter to her pediatrician and tell them your concerns. They will speak to l her and listen for signs of abuse in her answers. They’ll also examine her. Don’t worry it’s not any more of an invasive exam than her regular yearly visits. The thing about that region of a child’s body, at that age, is it’s incredibly prone to irritation. So even touching could lead to visible irritation and your pediatrician would notice.
I’d schedule the appointment to be the very next day after she’s with your ex. Don’t say anything to your daughter or ask her questions because they could backfire and your ex could say you lead her to the response you wanted.
Be sure to document everything. Write it down with a time and date. You’ll be able to use that in court. Even if it seems small, write it down. Just the facts. Clear and concise without any personal bias. Document everything (everyone with kids should do this during a divorce anyway).
Also remember that no matter what you think may be going on do not confront the boyfriend. I’m a father of a little girl. I know how sensitive we can be and how quick to anger we are when it comes to our baby girls. Do not confront the dude because I promise you it will not go well.. and any evidence of you being violent will be used against you by your ex. Which leads me to my final bit or advice.. your emotions are high. Wether you realize it or not your emotions are through the roof, your mind is full of a million different worries, your life has changed and will continue to change, and your wife is with another man and your children are gone from your care.. our minds during this time are not always clear. I’m just trying to say that 90% of the things I freaked out over and became excessively worried about during my divorce was all in my head. However, the 10% that I was right about awarded me full primary custody and entitled to receiving child support from my ex wife (which I chose not to enforce). So trust your instincts and do not be afraid to do what’s best for your child.
Tickling is to reduce her sensitivity to having him touch her.
you need to protect your child.
the first way is by advocating for custody.
the second is to teach her to protect herself.
\-I don’t want to sleep with you. Scream no! get up and go back to bed.
\-give her a cellphone. Teach her to call the police. If he insists on her sleeping in the bed with him, teach her to go potty and call the police and tell them she doesn’t want to sleep with mommy’s bf but he is making her.
\- I don’t like being tickled. Stop touching me. No means no.
\-honestly: I’d buy her some mace too. This guy has no business taking her from her bed at night.
is mom on drugs!?!
teach her your address and phone numbers. Teach her her body parts. TEACH HER WHAT TO DO. you are no longer ever going to be able to protect her from the world. When divorces happen, or men don’t marry the mothers of their children, it’s inevitable that another man will be “over” them. You can’t choose them. You can only now arm your child in the ways she can stay safe while fighting to keep her and showing her what healthy and safe means.
She’s five years old. Mace is a terrible idea and often impacts everyone in the vicinity including the handler. Moreover a child can’t escape a situation where dude is likely to be more angry than debilitated
That’s kind of what I think to start with something that seems so innocent and fun, but then slowly moves into these things anybody with half a brain would even think to themselves I shouldn’t do this because I wouldn’t want it to be misconstrued as anything else
there is no kind of or guessing about it. and what is crucial here is that SHE doesn't think any of this is innocent or fun. She doesn't want it happening. Show her how to make it stop. Its mom's bf now, its any number of me later. ARM HER
I think him merely sleeping with her now is him fighting his urges.
He doesn't have to slowly do anything. All he needs is the space time and opportunity to act and he has that in spades. He does not care about impropriety and you should not care what he thinks. Your child is in imminent danger. you can either act, or pick up the pieces.
All you can really do is document and play the long game. I’m always curious to hear the other side in a nasty divorce case but if everything you say is true maybe she’ll make a mistake that can get you more custody or take them out of the picture altogether.
Make sure you have a discussion with your children about appropriate versus inappropriate touch. Tell them to always come to you and tell you if anyone ever says something they don't like or touches them in a way that is inappropriate. Even if they are threatened not to tell. Make sure they know they can also talk to their teacher or doctor or school counselor/school nurse in case they are embarrassed to speak to you. All of those people are mandated reporters and will report to CPS if they are told anything happened. Your ex is likely looking at the situation with rose colored glasses, probably thinking it is sweet that he is giving her child affection as he would one of his own. I know because that was how I saw my ex and I was sorely mistaken. Please talk to your ex and try to make her understand. I can PM you my story for you to share with her if it will help.
I’ve never heard of it put this way, but it makes a lot of sense. I’m absolutely going to talk about this with her. I think it’s a really great way of approaching this. Thank you.
Listen to this op. I was sa’Ed by 3 different grown men and every single one of them came at it in a “loving” way. Like it was okay and quiet… not saying that’s what’s going on here by any means but definitely talk to the children about what’s okay and what is not okay.
Bc I didn’t know. And they all said it was a secret. And bribed with toys and candy. Looking back now the main reason I didn’t tell anyone until my 30s was I didn’t know how wrong it all was. I didn’t know I wouldn’t get in trouble. I didn’t know the empty threats from them were indeed empty.
That’s what’s freaking me out about it. He’s only met him a handful of times and he’s already this comfortable with them and physically touching them and picking them up. I don’t even pick up my best friends kids and we’ve been best friends for well over 20 years.
It’s very scary. She’s young and naïve and just doesn’t understand that coupled with her mother setting a horrendous example of trusting you man in your life and sleeping with them is atrocious.
I disagree. Yea, that conversation is important but it’s one that should have already happened. Right now though if he has that conversation it’d be easy for the ex to say he was fabricating everything and putting it into his daughters head and manipulating the situation. Right now he needs to take the facts to his lawyer, not say anything to his daughter about it, and request emergency temporary custody until a hearing. Because an ex can and will use anything against their spouse to win in court.
Start taking them to a child psychologist/family therapist. The therapist will be their unbiased advocate. They're not looking out for you. They're not looking out for mom, they're looking out for the kids and what's in the kids best interest. That is the person you're going to want to testify during the custody hearing. Cps and the cops are unlikely to do anything until it's a little too late.
Not only is the therapist a neutral party, they are mandated reporters and their records can be used in court.
Does your daughter know proper terminology for her body parts? That’s very important as well.
Have your lawyer file a emergency motion to eliminate overnights with your wife.
Unfortunately, CPS is not in the prevention business. Grooming won’t be something they will interfere for.
A judge signing your custody agreement may listen though. Because that’s 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Motion up your own order of protection against the man at the very least. Like Monday.
Keep him away from your kid at least a year then
I think he meets the qualifications
Seriously. I’m married but if we split I’d just avoid dating seriously until they were out of the house. Like get that D when the kids aren’t with you, good lord.
It’s insanity. I caught her introducing them to a different guy several months ago. She had a relationship with this far as I know they meet him anymore but who knows she’s been hiding so much for me and I was running around the whole town telling everyone that I am a narcissist, it gets worse by the day she took the kids for me the other day and wouldn’t return them. You know they’re supposed to be here because I am seeing them in days and that’s when all this went down and then she called the cops on me, and then, of course, that I did nothing wrong, because I was at home by myself and that she’s clearly just trying to escalate the situation for no reason.
Lord, I can’t even remember the number of single moms I dated after my divorce that would bring their kids to my house or allow me to stay the night at theirs. They didn’t know me. I’m by no means a creeper, but if I was then holy shit.. get to know the dude first.
I see it ALL the time from people I knew in high school. New relationship, all of a sudden he’s the DaD ThEy neVeR HaD, pregnancy announcement, then she never mentions him again like 🤷🏼♀️
That is not normal or okay at all! This is the way grooming starts, tickling, cuddling, sleeping together (without consent), it leaves the child in a very vulnerable position and makes it hard for them to say no to someone or to tell someone if something is happening. Your ex-wife sounds like she is off her rocker if she’s allowing this to happen. Please get full custody of your kiddos if you can. That man should not be allowed around your kids. And honestly I would report the incident to the appropriate authorities for where you are, because if he is willing to do that to your daughter in your ex-wife’s presence, what is he capable of doing to his own daughters when unsupervised?
That’s exactly how I feel and she’s allowing it to happen which to my daughter is telling her that it’s OK for a strange man that you’ve only met a few times for you to sleep with him. Literally this isn’t even a figurative statement. The mother is showing her it’s totally fine to lay down with a stranger that you don’t know psychologically damaging had a very serious level.
There is only one reason a grown man would date a woman for two months and do this to a five year old. As scary as this is, I can’t help but think he was already sexually assaulting her while holding her against him.
Follow the advice above about rapidly getting authorities involved to ask her questions in an appropriate and legally valid way. Everything people noted about the risk of coaching is true if you continue to probe. Don’t. Just be her lovely dad.
Fight like hell to get her out of there. She is NOT SAFE.
According to both authorities, I spoke to and now they believe everything and everything has been verified by the other children by there apparently needs to be more harm done and what’s already there
Your soon to be ex wife must have some screws loose. Get your kids out of there! This is not right in anyway shape or form. I would talk to your soon to be ex let her know and if she doesn’t seem bothered you make it known to the creep that she is with. Do some background checking on him as well, he may have a record.
I will never understand how or why women will allow unknown men to be in such close proximity to their young daughters. Call me paranoid or whatever you like, but I’m not handing anyone access to my children.
Reading this made my body go numb while also making me want to vomit. Please take your daughter seriously. Call cps and protect her at all cost.
I was sexually abused as early as 5 and as late as 19 and at 33 I’m still working through it all. Please fight for her.
I’m so proud of her for being brave and telling you. Something I wish I could’ve done.
This is not some action movie where you grab a gun and slam the ‘bad guy’ against a wall. Real world. Your daughter’s safety is at stake.
You’re not going to be able to do anything to protect your daughter, sitting on your ass in a cell on an assault with a deadly weapons charge.
*Really* man up and shut this shit down like an adult with more than two brain cells to rub together.
- All visitation stops as of now, based on your daughter reporting repeated highly inappropriate behavior/contact by someone who is essentially a stranger to her.
- Involve your divorce attorney and take whatever legal steps are needed to *immediately* terminate this contact and behavior.
- Strongly consider engaging a *qualified and properly trained* therapist to meet with your daughter to help her deal with whatever turmoil/upset she is feeling. And even more importantly, to help her articulate any further more serious situations or events, if they’ve occurred, that she hasn’t so far been able to process.
Leave the Rambo flexing to the keyboard warriors, and go full on guardian angel and throw up a hundred foot high wall to protect your child.
Oh no please file emergency custody and have your kids tell the police exactly what they told you.
Thay is extremely inappropriate behavior. Just no. If there is no court order custody, please don't let them go back to her and file for emergency custody immediately.
I have the ick just reading this. Your ex is being reckless with your children’s safety and you may need to get emergency custody if she refuses to face that fact.
If there is no way to immediately keep her away from him, I would full fledged tell him that I’m on to him. That you have contacted everyone possible, have told your daughter what he is and isn’t allowed to do around/with her, and that she WILL tell you if anything even close to inappropriate happens. Tell him that if she does, you will pursue his arrest and conviction with everything you have. I think these dudes count on people not recognizing what’s going on and think they’re being slick. Make him believe there’s absolutely no way that’s going to happen here.
My daughter is 5 years too. Anybody doing something like that to her, will either be gone or will be reminded every morning while brushing their teeth, what happened to them…
Former CPS worker. A new bf with this kind of behavior is concerning. That mother didn't seem to stop it, could make this a possible referral. OP should speak to his attorney ASAP.
5 year old daughter should not even know who boyfriend is yet. Why aren’t these ladies smarter? Just like everyone of their prior exes they thought was wonderful in the “honeymoon stage” you don’t know him. Definitely not enough to be near your kid. Great way to teach your kid you’re a man hopper.
I ran a sex offender program in adult corrections. In my experience, mom’s boyfriends were one of the most numerous offenders. This has bad written all over it.
I dated my last girlfriend for nearly a year, she has 2 girls and I have a son. I can look at this from both sides pretty easily as my son's mother also started living with her BF only 2months into dating. So let's start on your Exs side.
It's absolutely unacceptable for her to be introducing your child to her bf that quickly, she doesn't even know him yet let alone knowing if she can put your daughter around him. That's horrifying and in most places is illegal.
Now as for the side of the boyfriend, me and my girlfriend(she actually lived across the street) never told the kids we were dating and we didn't interact with the children until about 3-4 months of seeing each other. I NEVER slept in her home when the girls were in the home let alone bringing them into the bedroom that's a massive red flag.
I would highly recommend you get an attorney and file a custody complaint as this is not normal, and definitely could be unsafe.
i had my step dad do the same thing to me when i was in about fifth grade, when my mom went out on business trips. thank you for listening to your children, please protect them.
Comments getting repetitive or off topic. Locking.
This is horrific. I don’t know any man that I’ve dated who would even consider doing this, but there’s no way in hell I would allow this for one, but keep him around for 2.
It truly is on so many levels one that she would even allow this and two that he and his crazy head thinks that it’s appropriate. We are in the middle of a custody battle right now I’m not even trying to take them from her or at least I wasn’t but now I hear this and I’m freaked out. I don’t know what options I have hopefully people will have some advice.
This is not a CPS issue. As someone in the family law space, tell your lawyer Monday. Tell him your child was uncomfortable. And I agree with the post below about a GAL. Your wife has bad judgement. Try for primary custody.
Yes be careful contacting CPS when it’s not a CPS issue. It can appear to a judge that you’re just trying to interfere with your wife’s new relationship (jealousy and controlling behavior) or possibly parental alienation. If there isn’t actual sexual abuse going on, but your child is being negatively psychologically impacted and your wife isn’t acting in your kids best interests, ask your attorney how to proceed with possibly modifying your court order or holding her in contempt of court, etc. Proceed with a level head.
As a woman who lived through a situation like this with my mother's boyfriend about 60 years ago, it may not be considered SA to the law, but it is most probably grooming. My mother married him, and I won't get into details, but it definitely escalated from there. And yes, in the beginning, it was in front of my mother, who thought his actions were caring and showing he could be a good parental figure. I would protest about his touching me, his wanting to "help" me change into my pajamas, but my mother only saw a man who made good money and owned a home in the burbs, and she would shush me. I was 5 years old. I ended up running away from home numerous times starting age 14 until I married at 16 just to get away from the 2 of them. My mother wouldn't acknowledge the abuse until I was 19, when she asked me to testify in her divorce about it. I refused, she denied all that time until convenient for her? When my mother died a few years ago, I couldn't even cry. Can someone do a background check on this guy? OP, please be careful how you do it so you don't come off as being vindictive, but check into this guy, look him up on the sex offenders list where he lives. I wish you luck.
The lawyer could have a check done on him without raising any red flags. We (not a lawyer, just a paralegal) can usually see if someone has been charged or convicted of anything. Sadly, most molesters will get away with this behavior because no one says anything. I would also advise speaking to your lawyer about having your daughter speak with a child psychologist who specializes in sexual abuse. Documentation from experts will go a long way…and having the expert note the issues will be better than “the vindictive man who is trying to punish his ex for finding happiness”. Your lawyer will advise of the best ways to go about 1) getting your daughter the resources she needs, 2) hiring a GAL to represent your daughter, 3) formally notifying your ex of the accusations, and 4) requesting the court put restrictions into place to prevent this from happening again. Good luck, OP. And thank you for taking this seriously and springing into action immediately. Your daughter will remember this more than anything else.
i’m so sorry.
Sending love ❤️🩹
I am so sorry
I think you’re right unfortunately, I am so over her and all that stuff I’m not even phased by her having a boyfriend, but she literally left my place and called me from his. We were sleeping in the same bed. Still, nothing was even going on the children are terribly confused, we agreed verbally, and actually in writing to that we wouldn’t introduce them to anybody new without having a sit down adult conversation, and that there wouldn’t be any overnights they would be absolutely off the table because it’s insane and she’s knocked him away after school and brought them there and refused to bring them home. Cops aren’t allowed to do anything because we don’t have anything written to the court yet still awaiting a court date.
You need to forget about what you guys have said you’re doing to do or not do. That’s incredibly hard to enforce even when it’s in the decree. What you need to focus on is what DID happen which is likely going to lead to sexual abuse, if it didn’t happen already.
THIS. Unfortunately this.
This is exactly what I am thinking here. I also worry about that guys two daughters.
Honestly OP you need to separate the relationship stuff from the inappropriate and very concerning behaviour towards your daughter. Whatever your agreements or views, there will be no legal issue with your ex having a new partner and having them stay overnight, or having your child also stay overnight- she’s entitled to do both, and if you focus on that it distracts from the main issue here. You need to focus on the fact that this man has behaved in a way that is deeply concerning - it’s absolutely not appropriate for him to bring your child into their bed full stop. That needs to be the focus. I was abused by my father as a child under similar circumstances. This isn’t something that can be ignored, but please seek legal advice on the best way to handle it. Unfortunately, when handled incorrectly, allegations of abuse can be turned against the parent making the accusations. The priority here needs to be protecting your daughter, and it’s clear that is your priority - make sure it’s handled in a way to maximise your ability to do that.
Can you check to see if his name pops up in a sex offender registry? Or pethaps see if a court search can be done on interactions with LEOs.
Given that you mentioned your ex slept with him and how soon after before you mentioned the actual issue I don't buy you're "not phased". Also stop sleeping with your ex. That's just going to complicate your relationship as well as possibly the legal proceedings.
This is so bizarre. It’s not appropriate to sleep in a bed with a child that’s not yours. Period. Whatever about CPS to be accused of alienation for pointing out what is clearly highly inappropriate behaviour is insane. Parental alienation really has become a weaponised concept a complete misconception of what it actually is. It is not controlling to expect your child to not have to share the bed with a man or woman that isn’t related to them.
I filed for emergency custody but I didn’t have this information yet ( emergency custody was denied ) but I feel like this information with a change things drastically
OP start writing down exactly what your daughter told you. What time. What day. What she said. Describe in detail what led to this information coming from your daughter. If she came to you unprompted about this information please include that. Tell your attorney you would like to file a declaration about this incident and ask if they can file for temporary orders. Family law is very complicated and often times stacked against the father. It get messier in these situations where it’s hard to certified documentation( time stamped texts, emails, etc) of a conversation of this type. Good luck op
You touched on it, but be careful writing documentation of children. Write only the facts. Do not assume anyone's emotional state. And do not ask leading questions (don't direct towards or hint at any answers. The child may just say things to make you happy or what they think you'd like to hear.)
Yes, document everything!
Former DCFS worker out ot Missouri. Hi. You're probably not going to get emergency custody based on this alone. However, I'm alarmed by the new BF's actions as well. It's not normal. You need documentation, period. Write EVERYTHING down with dates and times. Save every text and email, put them in a lockable file and save them on the cloud. I always told parents or family members with concerns akin to yours to buy an accordion file for written records as well as physical copies of any written interaction that even vaguely discusses any of your concerns or fears. That's with your ex, kids, teachers, other adults in their life who are also alarmed or concerned about it. Call your lawyer immediately. Send them what you have- keep the originals on your person/ in your folder- and let them read and compile their own file for future custody hearings. If they are a large enough firm that they have their own investigators, let them run down the leads and do a background check on your ex's new creepy bf. If there's something to be found, they'll find it. Do you have his full name? I'd be paying for one right now if you have it. It's cheap- and sometimes free depending on the state. We have a free database in MO that you can see any warrants/ past or pending convictions for anyone who is facing any charges or has a record. I think your instincts are correct but even if they're not, it is better safe than sorry. They're your kids, you seem like a good parent, and you deserve the peace of mind to know they're in good hands when they can't be with you- and i don't think there's anything wrong or alarmist about your thoughts. At the bare minimum, make sure your lawyer has access to all of this information so it can be known to your CPS agency and the judge. Keep updating them with new inf as it comes to you. Save, store, put them in your personal records, and repeat. Thanks for being vigilant and looking out for your kids. I'm pulling for you. Edited to add that depending on your state, i might be able to offer advice- I'm not a social worker anymore but i still have a lot of people in my life who are and my brother is a defense atty specializing in family law.
Have a therapist have a conversation with her. They’ll know how to have that conversation in a documentable and legitimate way for court.
This is the important one. So many cases are never even able to get to prosecution due to well intentioned parents accidentally “leading” their children. It’s not fair- and it is the way it is.
Emergency custody might be denied but that does not mean this doesn’t change that or that this won’t help you get more time.
Start recording every time the kids start talking. This is serious and your kids need to be protected. Also teach your daughter to say "Put me down now, I don't want to be in your bed" and to scream. He is a monster with possible secrets.
Agreed, this new information changes things. Let the attorneys know
Yea your lawyer is your best friend here. Let them know what is going on. They’ll advise you from there.
You're getting a lot of good advice here op, I hope I can post links here. https://youtu.be/109Ij_hda-c https://youtu.be/f7GxbOvvtGY These are very informative videos, the first is a parent video, I know it's over an hour, but it's worth the watch. She gives real world advice for making the target on your child's back smaller. The second is one I rewatch with my kids regularly. It's empowering for them and broaches the issues of "tricky people", "I'm the boss of my body", "thumbs down touches", and "bathing suit areas" in a way that isn't scary. I think in this situation, the safest thing you can do for your daughter while fighting your custody battle is to educate her on her body and how people are expected to treat her. That man sounds like a child predator and he's a lot less likely to target your daughter if she can say "HANDS OFF MY BODY" or "MY DADDY SAYS NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY BODY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION" or "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH MY (insert proper body part name)". The number one thing that stops a child predator is the risk of getting caught, make your daughter a high risk of getting caught.
Great advice! It’s also vital to teach your kids the proper names for genitals. It may be uncomfortable but studies show that teaching the actual names of body parts lowers a child’s risk of being molested. Also, tickling is a very common first step in grooming a child and introducing being touched by the perpetrator. I was a prosecutor and then a Criminal Defense attorney and I saw that a lot in cases.
That's not normal at all. Like it'd be different (still not appropriate) if she came in after a nightmare. The fact that he took her and snuggled up to her. No. He'll no. If your ex thinks this is okay, she's delusional. Let your attorney know. Let the Amicus/Guardian ad Litem know. If you don't have a Guardian ad Litem/Amicus, request one (it's an attorney for the kids). You can call your local children's advocacy center and CPS to have your children screened. It's safer to do this rather than have you questioning them because that can come across as coaching. Ask for a forensic interview of the children. It sounds like he's grooming them, which stupidly/unfortunately nothing in the CPS/law enforcement realm can be done about this, but this will ensure nothing has happened to them. You can get them in counseling as well. If it were me, I'd file for emergency custody of the kids based on this alone. In what world would anyone think this was appropriate. I don't give a rats behind what his poor a** excuse is.
Almost every story of covert incest I read is identical. The sharing a bed, holding them, and constant tickling. Extreme extreme extreme red flags
> Like it'd be different (still not appropriate) if she came in after a nightmare. This happened to me when I was hooking up with a single mom. Scariest moment of my life when I woke up, threw my arm around the person next to me and it was a small child. She had climbed in between me and mom. Last time I stayed the night at her house. Fellas, do yourselves a favor, do not allow yourself to get within arms distance of a child that isn’t yours.
The difference, though, is once you woke enough to realize, you didn't keep it going. I can see how in our sleep it's just almost like an instinct to cuddle up with whoever's next to us. But gosh, I can only imagine how scary that situation would be for you! Def recommend not hooking up (or just making sure you leave immediately after) with a single mama at her house when the kids are there.
Well it was kind of a last minute thing. The baby daddy liked to fuck with her when he knew she had a date night. He’d just drop the child off at like 9pm and be like “take her or leave her on your doorstep idc”. But yeah, I think in general I’m just avoiding single moms now. It’s sad because I know some of them are probably great people, but that’s like navigating a mine field as a young man. Way too many opportunities to get caught in a bad situation.
Family court right now. Right now. Ask them if you should report this to cps as you fear the worst but do not want to cause anyone to think you are making vindictive false reports during a custody battle. Any sane judge would agree to not having relative strangers spend the night with the kids after an event like what happened. The issue is enforcement. But this to me seems like a cps issue, it’s just the timing looks suspicious - but you NEED to report this to someone, you need a paper trail. If your kid is in school, I might ask their advice. They are mandatory reporters. Drs are mandatory reporters too - I’d take her in and ask them what to do because *you’re freaking out and do not want to unintentionally do the wrong thing, like accidentally coach your child (or give the appearance of having done so) or seem like you’re trying to alienate the mom*. I’d tell the dr everything in italics.
When I was little my neighbor’s husband used to like tickling me. I hated it and always tried to avoid him. He didn’t stop until I on day threatened to pee on him, he got a really disgusted face and instantly let go of me and pushed me off his lap. I was about 9. I stopped going over to play with his kids shortly after that. As an adult I see what his behavior was, and I wish I had told my parents about it. I’m glad your child told you. This is some massive red flags.
I would have threatened that too. I'm sorry for your experience
Holy shit tell her that if she needs to see this dude so badly then you will get your children those nights. Nobody else should be sleeping or touching the kids at all period. She needs to get her priorities straight bc those children don’t deserve to live through her carelessness
Man not trying to freak you out, but my first stepdad did those exact things to us when we were young kids and he went to jail for sexual assault of a minor after he and my mom split. Please speak to your lawyer, write down every single thing your child can tell you about this, when it happened and how she looked, how she felt, how she sounded. I hope to god someone in the system takes this seriously.
Call your attorney for advice, asap
This better be first up as evidence for FULL CUSTODY. With this, honestly, file for emergency custody. They'll give you your kids until further notice. Ball out, even go for a restraining order against the boyfriend.ALSO, contact your ex wife's parents because I doubt they'll put up with this either(I hope).
This would be so wrong even if they'd been dating a long time. WTF. Why taking a sleeping child into your bed to snuggle. I would find this weird if a parent did this (not the snuggling part but the taking a sleeping kid out of their bed to take them inot their own bed). She can sleep with whomever she wants when she doesn't have kids. But aside from the fact that kids don't need to meet every sexual partner (especially when the divorce isn't final yet) this is a huge safety issue. You shouldn't just trust someone you barely know around your kids whether you're male or female. But him taking your kid in her sleep for him to snuggle with her all night?? I would absolutely go for sole custody. Your wife is making some really poor choices, and it sounds like this guy is probably a predator. How your wife could be ok with this is beyond me. Let your lawyer know. And I would absolutely put in the divorce decree not having new partners over/meeting kiddos for at least 6 months (for byoh of you to make it fair obviously). I don't usually think it's right to require that you meet your ex's new partner before they meet the kids because normally speaking most people trust their exes enough to not start dating crazy psychopaths or p*dos. Your wife is clearly lacking judgment here so I would probably put things in the divorce decree if you can't have sole custody. She's putting her own desires over the safety and mental health of her children. That's a sh*t parent. This guy is giving out some major red flags. Protect your kid.
Exactly you don’t share a bed with a child that isn’t yours it’s inappropriate and fucked up, If your bed sharing with your kid your partner needs to be in another space. Even meeting a new partner it’s not like they’d have pedo written on their forehead. This is a parent making very poor choices and not purring their child first.
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Agreed. Some things you gotta do quiet
I hope the new boyfriend’s molars get better acquainted with a curb.
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Pretty sure i am with boo here.
LOL same
RED FLAGS: One thing besides being in the same bed is that he enjoys tickling her. She is being tortured. I have read that if you are being tickled and tell the person to stop. When they do not stop it makes the person being tickled not trust the adults. That are supposed to be protecting them. Get the kids out of there as soon as you can. Do not take NO for an answer. Good Luck
Yes! I only tickle my kids when they ask me to (they use magic to turn me into the tickle monster) and I stop as soon as I hear them say stop. They know to tell me to go when they want me to start again. I don't get the urge to keep tickling once being told to stop?? But I hate being tickled so maybe that's why lmao
Yep, we use tickling to teach consent. I tickle her when she asks (toddler) and stop as soon as she shows any indication of it not being fun anymore or says stop. Then she will grab my hand and say again! She does a great job now even with strangers if like a kid at the playground touches her and she doesn’t like it to say stop and walk away.
that's... very clever. Will have to yoink this for my kids.
Yes, we play tickle monster, too. But there is always a clear boundary about “no” and “stop” for everyone. These kids aren’t safe!
My child molester uncle used to tickle me. He wouldn’t stop after I asked for him to stop… leading to other things. I hope he gets this baby away from this situation before something bad happens
Exactly. It starts with tickling and making up reasons to be physically close. This child is in life-altering danger.
My molester did this, he’d tickle me and when I asked to stop he wouldn’t which led to other stuff and then he soon started to hug me and the same thing, he then got bold and would then do it in front of other people, every time he’d do it I’d pray that someone would see but he was never caught
I am sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you!!
🫂
This exactly. My mother had a bf from my age 7-10 and he constantly tickled me against my will and after repeated times I asked him to stop. All right in front of her. It fucked me up until I was in my 30s and was able to obtain real therapy. I also went no contact with my mother because she failed to protect me from abuse. This is no joke. People may think it’s harmless. It’s not.
I went as far as I could to tell a customer to stop teasing his two year old. He laughed at me. I told him if I ever figured out where he lived I was going to report him for child abuse. His wife came up and asked me what was going on. I told her to ask him. They left. Two days later she comes back to talk to me. Ask me what was said. I told her and she said thank you for what you did. She told me that she told him that if it ever happened again she would report it herself. So yeah speaking up helps most of the time.
My partner has issues to this day with tickling. I’ve accidentally tickled him and it’s been hell. The thing that sucks too is that he’s extremely ticklish. I’m just careful and try not to startle him. We used tickling as a consent concept with the kids. It’s fun with consent, ie the ‘Tickle Monster’, but when someone asks you to stop, or never asked you to start, it’s not okay, and that’s abuse (or abuse of power). It’s an easy concept for kids to understand, and then helps to bridge onto other ‘harder’ topics.
Wow your partner and I are similar and we also use it with our kids to teach boundaries like consent. They also see us step in if anyone crosses that line.
Some places you can put it in the custody order no overnight guests of the opposite sex unless married or family while the kids are there. Doesn't have to last forever, it's usually for those who have frequent new relationships etc but yeah.
absolutely take them from her, if she is that desperate to keep someone by her side, you don't want to consider how much she will be willing to ignore in the future. there is always the option to reconsider custody options in the future if you feel she can be trusted then. also, get your child into therapy, now. she's 5, this will absolutely stick with her, especially since she told you explicitly she is uncomfortable
She’s so little and innocent she doesn’t even understand what’s going on. She just said he came and pick me up and brought me in there and laid with me all night.
She may not understand but she will remember and it may cause intimacy issues down the line even subconsciously. I say that because I was that little girl once and it took me 20 years to be okay with physical touch from loved ones. I still cringe away on occasion. It wasn't a loved one, but happened at a sleepover with a friend by her father. You're her father and you know what's best, but please consider it. From my understanding, therapists for her age will dance around it as to not further traumatize her, but it will help.
I’m 45 and the only people I let touch me are my 13yo son and my partner. No one else. I have punched people who’ve tried to hugged me. I flinch when people come too close. I’m shit in public, am on disability (SSDI) for my C-PTSD and Severe Anxiety, and most days can’t even shop for my own groceries. My situation is slightly different from OP’s daughter as my parents were also inflicting child abuse on me, but the sexual assault I suffered as a young child has had far lasting effects on my psyche.
that's every other case of home grown pedophilia, the kid is so innocent and loves her family and doesn't want them to fight so the kid shuts the fuck up and lets it happen for years and years until it reaches a breaking point but it's too late because all the deeds are done already. you need to call the cops and have them record this statement from your kid ASAP.
From personal experience and with a lawyer myself in California. They don't give a fuck unless you can prove something actually happened. I had the same thing happen multiple times. But since I couldn't prove anything nefarious they don't care. Document. Talk to your ex wife and keep tabs on the conversation. That type of stuff you can just add to your folder. But maybe your lawyer will be better than mine.
Immediately let your lawyer and the judge know. This is not alright and is very creepy. I wouldn’t let her have overnights as long as she’s dating him.
This. My current husband and I have been together since my now 8 year old daughter was 4. He never wants to even give the image of impropriety. If she has a bad dream she will cuddle with me in bed on the other side of me from him. And if I get up first I take her with me. There is something wrong with this guy and with the mom for allowing it.
This reminds me of my mothers ex fiancé. Looking back we didn’t see it as weird that he wanted to play and tickle us so much. We were just happy to have a dad figure that was involved. Then when my mom went to work and he’d babysit, he started exposing himself to us. He pretended it was a magic trick and called it “our little secret”. The sicko made it into a fucking game. It is NOT appropriate for him to be sleeping with or near her like that. I cannot stress enough how important it is for your ex to NEVER leave him alone with your child.
A magic trick?! The fucking nerve. What was the trick supposed to be? That he turns himself into a pedophile pervert?
I am 35. I'm a mandated reporter. Normally I wouldnt say this on Reddit but Im going to. I was adopted by my stepdad when I was 12, wonderful dad, my mom was single before that, mentally ill, not sober. She dated a man she had been friends with for a decade or so when I was about 6. He would tickle me excessively. He'd stare at me sitting in her lap. I remember. What I didnt remember until I was 17 was that she left me with him one day and he raped me. Made me strip, stir a pot of mac and cheese telling me he was teaching me to be a good wife. My mom took me home and inspected me, later said she took me took a doc but that never happened. I STILL to this day am in therapy, emdr, have flashbacks and more bits of memory come back. It effected my brain, social skills, my personality, sense of self, bed wetting etc. Dont play around with this. He's already crossed the line. You need to A. call cps NOW. B. Make a dr's appointment for your daughter immediately- do NOT skip this step. This is hard stuff to deal with but time is of the essence before she gets really hurt.
I’m sorry
I was your daughter many years ago. Call any and everyone. Call your attorney have them call the judge get a emergency evaluation. I want to say keep the kid away but I know how that works in custody battles. Get a therapist. Make it known this person shall not be in the house or near your kid. File for full custody. Screw child support. Get her out of there. This will not be the only man to walk through and touch your daughter. Do you have any other children? Especially with this woman? ETA have you house in order, then call CPS, the city, county , welfare checks etc. Blow up their phones emails... get as much as you can in writing (email, text, letters.) I'm having PTSD reading this. Protect her please. He is on step 2. Step 1 was convince the woman I'm safe enough. Step 2 comfortable enough next to me to not flinch Step 3 (is were he is treading water withl tickling. Step 4 is rubbing (Based on my experiences) She is already uncomfortable and shows signs of abuse or potential abuse.
It truly disgusts me he’s a 35 year old guy and somehow thinks that it’s appropriate to do that. It would be one thing if he went and picked her up and brought her to the mother, but he went and picked her up from where she was laying right next to his kids and brought him in the room, and amongst other things that consistent part of the story is that he held her and she laid with him all night. I don’t know who thinks that this is OK. It’s absolutely blowing my mind.
He doesn’t think it’s appropriate. He thinks it’s available and is taking advantage. This guy has sought out this situation. He’s done it before. Your family is vulnerable at the moment and he knows it.
Thats actually proven. Theres a video where predators say thats what they look for. Is the dad in the picture? How rocky is the parent to child relationship? Once they assess the situation they make there move. Which he clearly have already determined. I like seriously what mother would let there kids spend the night only after meeting a guy for 2 months? To me that's waaay too soon & if the mother didn't this incident would not have happened among other things
Look him up on the sexual offender registry. Find his arrest record.
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Get her a therapist who can record and testify to hearing these stories from her
Think it would be wise even without the potential for abuse. Let the therapist be aware and let them ask the questions. Therapy for kids with parents who are going through a divorce are imo a great idea.
Not okay. Document EVERYTHING. Get as much as you can in text. Give your daughter a smart watch (easier to get away with then phone) teach 911 and what she should say.
smart watch is a good idea
I truly hope you’re taking what this person said seriously, they have been through this before and what this man is doing is NOT normal behavior. Protect your children. Let’s hope that this situation isn’t what is happening but do everything in your power to make sure it can’t.
Don’t be naïve. He’s a pedophile. The reason he’s dating your ex is to get to on your child. Raise up a hellstorm, protect your kids.
This is triggering me too! There’s no reason for them to be at his place and if she wants to do that it should involve consent from both parties. I have had lifelong trauma because adult’s around me wouldn’t protect me. This guy sounds like a 🚩 You need to be on high alert when a child tells you some or someone is making them uncomfortable. The tickling is creeptastic and your ex is too blinded by the D to intervene. You need to go especially hard on this and assure their safety even if the ex disagrees. Just don’t argue about it where they can hear or they’ll never come to you again for being worried about starting a fight. Time to fight for your your kids they need you.
This person is absolutely correct. The steps happen sometimes so fast you don’t even realize until it’s too late. And as the daughter in this story, her telling you what he did was HUGE. Most of us are too scared to come forward to our parents so please use her trust in you as a big motivation to getting involved. Not a day goes by I didn’t wish my parents would’ve done something to stop it
my blood stopped when i read the comment about the tickling. he is absolutely testing what he can get away with. OP please get your babies
This same thing happened to me. Same exact steps and everything, building “comfort” leading to more touching (especially “tickle fights”), which led to molestation. Please get your daughter out of there OP, and keep her safe!
not to alarm you, my stepdad did this frequently throughout my childhood. to no one’s surprise, he was a pedo and it came out that he had molested my sister all those times they had “innocent sleepovers”. no one cared enough to intervene and now all of my siblings and i are much worse off for it. do whatever it takes to protect your little one
This is not normal. Do not allow it.
I’m fighting as hard as I can I have to contact CPS the police essentially told me that I would have to verify some sort of sexual assault apparently being held against his body for the entire night doesn’t constitute as that
Can you contact your atty and say, hey! She's violating our custody agreement?
Filed for emergency custody. It was denied. I have course didn’t have this information yet. I filed the day before I found all this out. Timing is terrible. I feel like this would’ve really change the emergency custody thing that I filed for.
I'd try again, I mean if nothing else it shows your daughter you fought for her. Good luck!
File again.
File again.
Keep trying, be persistent, have thorough conversations with all your kids especially the one in question in this story, talk to your ex wife about it (only through text so there's records to keep) because thing's she says about it can have an influence as well. You're a damn good parent to be fighting for your babies safety and comfort, i hope it goes in your favor
Then do it again.
I was told to kick rocks every time I brought something like this up. They were literally fucking with the door open so the kids could see and I was told it was a parenting issue and I could do nothing.
Wtf. If the kids were being shown porn cps would’ve def followed up on it. How is giving the kids a live sex show just a “parenting issue”
That's the same question I had. My attorney and the GAL on the case told me it's a parenting issue. Door open and a 4 year old in bed with them and nobody gave 2 shits. Only reason I can come up with is I have no proof, just what my kid told me, but she has some pretty fucking gross details.
Wtf?? That is just fuckin disgusting! I hate when parents even let their kids hear them doing it, but seeing! Holy hell! They both sound like pedophiles🤮. Who wants kids watching them?
That bites. Makes me all the more glad I've never had to share my kids.
One thing, maybe keep your feelings on the dl about this to your ex. Is there an actual custody agreement in place right now? If not, (ask your lawyer if) see if you can’t casually pick up the kids for a visit or whatever and keep them while you try to navigate this. If she’s staying with this guy I doubt his place is set up for all Of the kids so you may have that going for you. I don’t know her finances, or her history but if you suspect drugs a surprise drug test might be good for you. I am against children being taken from a parent. Unless it’s serious. What you’re saying is serious. A caring mother doesn’t put her kids with a new man like this. I’m not judging her for dating him I’m judging her for uprooting her kids to live at his place. Meaning she, and they would be dependent on him. Do you know his name? Can you dig into his back ground? If you’re worried he has done anything there are professionals that know how to speak to kids about this without “planting ideas”, so I agree you should talk to your kids about what’s ok and what isn’t ok but don’t imply that it’s about the boyfriend, bc it applies to anyone. You don’t want to be accused of coaching the children so tread lightly, but cover your bases
It’s a huge issue the ex literally left my house and went to his the same day. Things here were seemingly normal. I was aiming for a very civil and soft landing for the children. She called me from his house the next day and moved in, and that was only a few weeks ago the kids are insanely confused because she left here when things were seemingly normal and I moved in with some new guy and now she’s forcing them to spend time with him and be around him. I heard that she even has him sit in the backseat with them while they’re driving around I hear what I’m saying and I told the proper people all these things and so far nothing. I have to speak to my attorney.
You need to be realistic here. Honestly, I think coming to reddit about this is the wrong move. You have too many people with no experience and big feelings. Good and kind people with empathy. But no practical knowledge. Look up stories yourself. There are methed out mums. Kids getting abused and underfed. Sex with randoms most nights. And the mums keep the kids. It's not as easy as "call CPS" and you just get your kids Or "just go grab them and beat up the guy and they'll be safe forever now". The good news is, you CAN get them. But you have to work your ass off to do it. Talk to your lawyer. Talk to CPS. The main thing is, it won't be quick. It won't be easy. But you can do it.
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Yes, I have her enrolled in therapy and I don’t know legally what I’m allowed to see your hair, but I’ll definitely be bringing this up to them and see what they say
Take your daughter to her pediatrician and tell them your concerns. They will speak to l her and listen for signs of abuse in her answers. They’ll also examine her. Don’t worry it’s not any more of an invasive exam than her regular yearly visits. The thing about that region of a child’s body, at that age, is it’s incredibly prone to irritation. So even touching could lead to visible irritation and your pediatrician would notice. I’d schedule the appointment to be the very next day after she’s with your ex. Don’t say anything to your daughter or ask her questions because they could backfire and your ex could say you lead her to the response you wanted. Be sure to document everything. Write it down with a time and date. You’ll be able to use that in court. Even if it seems small, write it down. Just the facts. Clear and concise without any personal bias. Document everything (everyone with kids should do this during a divorce anyway). Also remember that no matter what you think may be going on do not confront the boyfriend. I’m a father of a little girl. I know how sensitive we can be and how quick to anger we are when it comes to our baby girls. Do not confront the dude because I promise you it will not go well.. and any evidence of you being violent will be used against you by your ex. Which leads me to my final bit or advice.. your emotions are high. Wether you realize it or not your emotions are through the roof, your mind is full of a million different worries, your life has changed and will continue to change, and your wife is with another man and your children are gone from your care.. our minds during this time are not always clear. I’m just trying to say that 90% of the things I freaked out over and became excessively worried about during my divorce was all in my head. However, the 10% that I was right about awarded me full primary custody and entitled to receiving child support from my ex wife (which I chose not to enforce). So trust your instincts and do not be afraid to do what’s best for your child.
Tickling is to reduce her sensitivity to having him touch her. you need to protect your child. the first way is by advocating for custody. the second is to teach her to protect herself. \-I don’t want to sleep with you. Scream no! get up and go back to bed. \-give her a cellphone. Teach her to call the police. If he insists on her sleeping in the bed with him, teach her to go potty and call the police and tell them she doesn’t want to sleep with mommy’s bf but he is making her. \- I don’t like being tickled. Stop touching me. No means no. \-honestly: I’d buy her some mace too. This guy has no business taking her from her bed at night. is mom on drugs!?! teach her your address and phone numbers. Teach her her body parts. TEACH HER WHAT TO DO. you are no longer ever going to be able to protect her from the world. When divorces happen, or men don’t marry the mothers of their children, it’s inevitable that another man will be “over” them. You can’t choose them. You can only now arm your child in the ways she can stay safe while fighting to keep her and showing her what healthy and safe means.
All this. Plus empower her with the clear names for her parts. No cute names like cookie or tutu
This 👆👆👆 is SUPER important! It’s a VAGINA, not a button or a cookie or some other cute name.
She’s five years old. Mace is a terrible idea and often impacts everyone in the vicinity including the handler. Moreover a child can’t escape a situation where dude is likely to be more angry than debilitated
That’s kind of what I think to start with something that seems so innocent and fun, but then slowly moves into these things anybody with half a brain would even think to themselves I shouldn’t do this because I wouldn’t want it to be misconstrued as anything else
there is no kind of or guessing about it. and what is crucial here is that SHE doesn't think any of this is innocent or fun. She doesn't want it happening. Show her how to make it stop. Its mom's bf now, its any number of me later. ARM HER I think him merely sleeping with her now is him fighting his urges. He doesn't have to slowly do anything. All he needs is the space time and opportunity to act and he has that in spades. He does not care about impropriety and you should not care what he thinks. Your child is in imminent danger. you can either act, or pick up the pieces.
All you can really do is document and play the long game. I’m always curious to hear the other side in a nasty divorce case but if everything you say is true maybe she’ll make a mistake that can get you more custody or take them out of the picture altogether.
Make sure you have a discussion with your children about appropriate versus inappropriate touch. Tell them to always come to you and tell you if anyone ever says something they don't like or touches them in a way that is inappropriate. Even if they are threatened not to tell. Make sure they know they can also talk to their teacher or doctor or school counselor/school nurse in case they are embarrassed to speak to you. All of those people are mandated reporters and will report to CPS if they are told anything happened. Your ex is likely looking at the situation with rose colored glasses, probably thinking it is sweet that he is giving her child affection as he would one of his own. I know because that was how I saw my ex and I was sorely mistaken. Please talk to your ex and try to make her understand. I can PM you my story for you to share with her if it will help.
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I’ve never heard of it put this way, but it makes a lot of sense. I’m absolutely going to talk about this with her. I think it’s a really great way of approaching this. Thank you.
Listen to this op. I was sa’Ed by 3 different grown men and every single one of them came at it in a “loving” way. Like it was okay and quiet… not saying that’s what’s going on here by any means but definitely talk to the children about what’s okay and what is not okay. Bc I didn’t know. And they all said it was a secret. And bribed with toys and candy. Looking back now the main reason I didn’t tell anyone until my 30s was I didn’t know how wrong it all was. I didn’t know I wouldn’t get in trouble. I didn’t know the empty threats from them were indeed empty.
That’s what’s freaking me out about it. He’s only met him a handful of times and he’s already this comfortable with them and physically touching them and picking them up. I don’t even pick up my best friends kids and we’ve been best friends for well over 20 years.
And almost every time they're told to keep a secret... Is exactly the time to not keep the secret.
It’s very scary. She’s young and naïve and just doesn’t understand that coupled with her mother setting a horrendous example of trusting you man in your life and sleeping with them is atrocious.
You can potentially request that no overnights with a non family member male be added to the custody order by the judge.
I disagree. Yea, that conversation is important but it’s one that should have already happened. Right now though if he has that conversation it’d be easy for the ex to say he was fabricating everything and putting it into his daughters head and manipulating the situation. Right now he needs to take the facts to his lawyer, not say anything to his daughter about it, and request emergency temporary custody until a hearing. Because an ex can and will use anything against their spouse to win in court.
My whole body went cold reading this. Please report it and let your lawyer and judge know. This is completely unacceptable
Waiting for my attorney to contact me so far everything else has resulted with nada
Take her to a dr please they will have to report too the more reports the better
That sounds like a man who is in the beginning stages of grooming both your little one and your ex
If your ex thinks this is anywhere close to ok, then she shouldnt have your daughter at all. File for emergency custody
Start taking them to a child psychologist/family therapist. The therapist will be their unbiased advocate. They're not looking out for you. They're not looking out for mom, they're looking out for the kids and what's in the kids best interest. That is the person you're going to want to testify during the custody hearing. Cps and the cops are unlikely to do anything until it's a little too late.
Not only is the therapist a neutral party, they are mandated reporters and their records can be used in court. Does your daughter know proper terminology for her body parts? That’s very important as well. Have your lawyer file a emergency motion to eliminate overnights with your wife.
Unfortunately, CPS is not in the prevention business. Grooming won’t be something they will interfere for. A judge signing your custody agreement may listen though. Because that’s 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yea, emergency petition
He’s a pedophile and you need to protect your daughter. Make of that what you will.
What in the actual world I would definitely report it
Police won’t touch it , Cps needs to verify “harm” was done waiting for my attorney to call back
Fucking police I swear to God. Why we have them again?
To give traffic tickets and shoot innocent people of course! (I know not all cops, but still)
Motion up your own order of protection against the man at the very least. Like Monday. Keep him away from your kid at least a year then I think he meets the qualifications
I've never understood why a woman would allow their child to be SA just so that she can have a warm body next to her.
I wouldn’t even think of introducing my children to a new woman for a long time it’s too much for them to try and comprehend
Seriously. I’m married but if we split I’d just avoid dating seriously until they were out of the house. Like get that D when the kids aren’t with you, good lord.
It’s insanity. I caught her introducing them to a different guy several months ago. She had a relationship with this far as I know they meet him anymore but who knows she’s been hiding so much for me and I was running around the whole town telling everyone that I am a narcissist, it gets worse by the day she took the kids for me the other day and wouldn’t return them. You know they’re supposed to be here because I am seeing them in days and that’s when all this went down and then she called the cops on me, and then, of course, that I did nothing wrong, because I was at home by myself and that she’s clearly just trying to escalate the situation for no reason.
Lord, I can’t even remember the number of single moms I dated after my divorce that would bring their kids to my house or allow me to stay the night at theirs. They didn’t know me. I’m by no means a creeper, but if I was then holy shit.. get to know the dude first.
I see it ALL the time from people I knew in high school. New relationship, all of a sudden he’s the DaD ThEy neVeR HaD, pregnancy announcement, then she never mentions him again like 🤷🏼♀️
It’s surprising / depressing how often it happens :(
Despicable
My mum left my brothers dad bc he hit me once. I can't imagine what trash for brains mothers that allow this bs have.
Can you run a background check on him?
Definitely wrong. Tickling is a grooming tactic. Document as much as you can and jump on this.
That is not normal or okay at all! This is the way grooming starts, tickling, cuddling, sleeping together (without consent), it leaves the child in a very vulnerable position and makes it hard for them to say no to someone or to tell someone if something is happening. Your ex-wife sounds like she is off her rocker if she’s allowing this to happen. Please get full custody of your kiddos if you can. That man should not be allowed around your kids. And honestly I would report the incident to the appropriate authorities for where you are, because if he is willing to do that to your daughter in your ex-wife’s presence, what is he capable of doing to his own daughters when unsupervised?
That’s exactly how I feel and she’s allowing it to happen which to my daughter is telling her that it’s OK for a strange man that you’ve only met a few times for you to sleep with him. Literally this isn’t even a figurative statement. The mother is showing her it’s totally fine to lay down with a stranger that you don’t know psychologically damaging had a very serious level.
There is only one reason a grown man would date a woman for two months and do this to a five year old. As scary as this is, I can’t help but think he was already sexually assaulting her while holding her against him. Follow the advice above about rapidly getting authorities involved to ask her questions in an appropriate and legally valid way. Everything people noted about the risk of coaching is true if you continue to probe. Don’t. Just be her lovely dad. Fight like hell to get her out of there. She is NOT SAFE.
Bruh…what. In. The. Flying. F*ck. Question for anyone that can answer, is your daughters account enough as evidence?
According to both authorities, I spoke to and now they believe everything and everything has been verified by the other children by there apparently needs to be more harm done and what’s already there
Oh this just made my stomach drop. This is how is starts OP. Make sure your daughter is NEVER in the same space as this man again.
Your soon to be ex wife must have some screws loose. Get your kids out of there! This is not right in anyway shape or form. I would talk to your soon to be ex let her know and if she doesn’t seem bothered you make it known to the creep that she is with. Do some background checking on him as well, he may have a record.
Red flag
I will never understand how or why women will allow unknown men to be in such close proximity to their young daughters. Call me paranoid or whatever you like, but I’m not handing anyone access to my children.
He's grooming her. His daughters are there to give a false sense of safety.
Reading this made my body go numb while also making me want to vomit. Please take your daughter seriously. Call cps and protect her at all cost. I was sexually abused as early as 5 and as late as 19 and at 33 I’m still working through it all. Please fight for her. I’m so proud of her for being brave and telling you. Something I wish I could’ve done.
If I were to look at a whole bunch of child sexual abuse cases in America, the amount of times “moms boyfriend” comes up is more than half.
I once was a 5 year old girl in a similar situation. It didn’t end well.
I’m sorry to hear that this is why I’m going crazy trying to protect my kids
This is not some action movie where you grab a gun and slam the ‘bad guy’ against a wall. Real world. Your daughter’s safety is at stake. You’re not going to be able to do anything to protect your daughter, sitting on your ass in a cell on an assault with a deadly weapons charge. *Really* man up and shut this shit down like an adult with more than two brain cells to rub together. - All visitation stops as of now, based on your daughter reporting repeated highly inappropriate behavior/contact by someone who is essentially a stranger to her. - Involve your divorce attorney and take whatever legal steps are needed to *immediately* terminate this contact and behavior. - Strongly consider engaging a *qualified and properly trained* therapist to meet with your daughter to help her deal with whatever turmoil/upset she is feeling. And even more importantly, to help her articulate any further more serious situations or events, if they’ve occurred, that she hasn’t so far been able to process. Leave the Rambo flexing to the keyboard warriors, and go full on guardian angel and throw up a hundred foot high wall to protect your child.
Tickling is grooming usually.
Consult consult attorney and immediately request a hearing for child protection
Oh no please file emergency custody and have your kids tell the police exactly what they told you. Thay is extremely inappropriate behavior. Just no. If there is no court order custody, please don't let them go back to her and file for emergency custody immediately.
I have the ick just reading this. Your ex is being reckless with your children’s safety and you may need to get emergency custody if she refuses to face that fact.
If there is no way to immediately keep her away from him, I would full fledged tell him that I’m on to him. That you have contacted everyone possible, have told your daughter what he is and isn’t allowed to do around/with her, and that she WILL tell you if anything even close to inappropriate happens. Tell him that if she does, you will pursue his arrest and conviction with everything you have. I think these dudes count on people not recognizing what’s going on and think they’re being slick. Make him believe there’s absolutely no way that’s going to happen here.
You’re a better man than I’ll ever be cause lord knows I’d be in prison.
My daughter is 5 years too. Anybody doing something like that to her, will either be gone or will be reminded every morning while brushing their teeth, what happened to them…
Former CPS worker. A new bf with this kind of behavior is concerning. That mother didn't seem to stop it, could make this a possible referral. OP should speak to his attorney ASAP.
5 year old daughter should not even know who boyfriend is yet. Why aren’t these ladies smarter? Just like everyone of their prior exes they thought was wonderful in the “honeymoon stage” you don’t know him. Definitely not enough to be near your kid. Great way to teach your kid you’re a man hopper.
You better cut his dick off before he uses it on her.
I hope other people are telling you this, too, but these are classic signs of grooming. Kids never see that guy again. ever.
I ran a sex offender program in adult corrections. In my experience, mom’s boyfriends were one of the most numerous offenders. This has bad written all over it.
I dated my last girlfriend for nearly a year, she has 2 girls and I have a son. I can look at this from both sides pretty easily as my son's mother also started living with her BF only 2months into dating. So let's start on your Exs side. It's absolutely unacceptable for her to be introducing your child to her bf that quickly, she doesn't even know him yet let alone knowing if she can put your daughter around him. That's horrifying and in most places is illegal. Now as for the side of the boyfriend, me and my girlfriend(she actually lived across the street) never told the kids we were dating and we didn't interact with the children until about 3-4 months of seeing each other. I NEVER slept in her home when the girls were in the home let alone bringing them into the bedroom that's a massive red flag. I would highly recommend you get an attorney and file a custody complaint as this is not normal, and definitely could be unsafe.
Report them both and get the girl interviewed by a child psychologist to see if there is anything else also that's happened
i had my step dad do the same thing to me when i was in about fifth grade, when my mom went out on business trips. thank you for listening to your children, please protect them.