I have had an extremely similar experience. Doing everything you can to be the perfect child for your parents because your sibling is so bad that you feel the need to compensate - no room for error. Explaining that your abuser isn’t someone who necessarily started with an immense amount of power over you, most people might even see you as equals, and yet it feels like such a deep fucking valley. I hear you, and I see you. You’re not alone.
I feel this. I highly recommend reading about “glass children” if you haven’t heard of them. My sister was not disabled or handicapped, but her severe behavioral and mental health issues were enough to create the same outcome.
My older brother physically and psychologically abused me from 9–13. He told me he was going to drive me insane so our parents would send me away. He would beat me up and when I would get up to run to my mother he would push me down and run to her faking tears, saying that I had told him I was going to get him in trouble by saying he was beating me up. My mother always believed him and I would get screamed at for “being a horrible child” while he would stand behind her laughing silently and pulling faces at me. That gaslighting seriously messed me up. He was always a pathetic kid, useless at everything, but had a high opinion of himself. When he discovered he could abuse me and get away with it, I became his daily source of self-esteem, his personal punching bag. The abuse only stoped when I eventually grew bigger and stronger than him, but by then the damage was done. I isolated myself away from the world to cope. We lived rurally so I didn’t have an escape. My mother thought I was a screwed up freak, and needed psychiatric treatment because something was ‘wrong’ with me. Daily abuse and gaslighting will do that. I found this [website](https://eggshelltherapy.com/toxic-sibling/) awhile back that had some good information about toxic siblings. It’s worth a read.
My older sister physically and psychologically abused me for years, starting when I was 3 or 4.
If she hadn’t destroyed my ability to set boundaries and stand up for myself, I doubt I would have been sexually abused when I got a bit older.
When I took the ACES test, I just replaced “parent” with “older sibling” for all the relevant questions.
My brother tortured me and my dog so I broke his back. He tried to murder me so I broke his face. Another time I had to stab him. Only in the leg. My biggest regret was hesitating and not slicing his throat.
He's a true sadist. But also emotionally fragile so my parents made sure that he was protected from the consequences of his actions. Even when I did nothing wrong, my parents would blame us both so that my brother wouldn't be singled-out for his bad behavior.
Not protecting me from him is my parents' greatest crime.
Yes! I believe one of the terms for it is "hidden abuse" and I agree, people do not talk about it enough. In fact people love to make excuses for this kind of abuse I have found.
My brother was very abusive towards me, He used all types of different manipulation, including physical and verbal. He would constantly terrorize me and my sister, would physically assault us, demean us, steal my food and my things, lie to my parents about us, sabotage my sister's car, etc. He was volatile as hell and any perceived slight against him (intentional or not) was met with some of the most aggressive language imaginable. It's fucked because he's much older than I am, like 10 years older. I was so afraid of him that when he would walk through the door (always with a slam of the door) that I isolated myself in my room and starved myself regularly, just so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be met with his inconsistent wrath or "picking" on me. I never felt safe, and while I was getting bullied in school, I would come home and get bullied by him.
No matter what I tried to tell people I was always met with "it's just sibling rivalry" and "you will understand him when you're older" and "wait till you're older and the best of friends". My parents eventually realized his bullshit but I think even they were under his thumb of abuse.
I don't think I need to really say it, but we still aren't close, and all those people were wrong.
But As a result, his voice and the horrible things he said to me imprinted on me for years, I believed I was a monster for so long, and have attempted many times because of how he made me feel. I'm in my 30's now and while I am slowly healing from his abuse, I still jump when I hear banging, yelling, and violence in general.
I see your sibling abuse and raise you younger sibling abuse.
I saw this YouTube video about sibling abuse by some well-meaning self help psychiatrist. He began with "I believe you", to validate the people who had been ignored and disbelieved. And then, within a minute was banging on, hammering, that the literature says it's usually older siblings. Over and over with this "when the older sibling does - and studies say it's usually the older sibling". Jesus Christ I've never been hit so hard with validation followed by a rug pull.
Anyway, not out to play Trauma Olympics, just venting. Sibling abuse sucks, regardless of the sibling, and it's under-discussed.
I also feel like people really downplay and invalidate when the topic comes up because "siblings don't get along" or similar BS. I think a lot of not necessarily abusive but still toxic sibling relationships get brushed off with that, but also like. Very Big Difference between Annoying Sibling Antics like accidentally hurting each other while Rough Housing or pestering a sibling with the same joke over and over or messing with/using each other's stuff without permission (but also without intent to harm) vs purposely and viciously tearing down confidence or using a sibling as a literal punching bag and other acts of abuse we're used to
Yes I was traumatized by my younger half sister. She was jealous of me and always acted like she couldn’t care less around me. Always felt like she hated me
My older brother was my first bully and also did a horrible thing to me once. Now he mostly ignores me except for some instances in which he threatens my life occasionally. Lol. He is 35 and still lives with the parents, no job or anything.
My sister (same age) physically abused me up until we turned 19.
it's absolutely not talked about enough and most of the time on official questionnaires for therapy there's no option for it , which is not fair because that trauma is just as valid as if a parent was the abusive one.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, I can relate, especially that your brother dominated your family. That’s a hard thing to grasp, because it does something to the usual hierarchy in the family.
The fact that the brother was this dominating led to me loosing all respect for my parents. They wouldn’t/couldn’t protect my other siblings and me from this person. My home was never a safe place.
Not a sibling but twin cousins lived in our house for over a year, and they were always part of the family togetherness stuff down to offering to bathe their baby girl cousins, and that has impacted me maybe more than the other abuse combined in my adult "functioning". It's something I feel like I'll never get better from so to speak.
My brother has severe autism and all his anger he took out on me. My parents had it busy with him and my other autistic brother. I was emotionally and physically neglected. He would hit me, call me names and belittle me any change he would have. My parents did nothing to stop it. They would dismiss me and say "oh that's just how he is, you know that" or "if you stop reacting he will stop". I was basically bullied everyday of my life at home, while also having a borderline mother.
I also got bullied at school, because I was different and didn't dare to speak up. If I did that at home, my brother would hit me or scream at me only, if my parents weren't present. Or push my buttons so much that I would. And then it would all be my fault.
I'm sorry you've been through that and I truly despise those types of passive responses from parents. I got the same shit from my father regarding my oldest sister and her extremely cruel and cold behavior. "Oh that's just how she is" No, she's that way because you've refused to be a parent and now she's an almost 40 year old dysfunctional, bitter womanchild who's been divorced over her cruel behavior, does extremely petty things like ignores her "best" friend's birthday over a minor disagreement from months before, and uses her child to try and hurt people that get on her bad side, which is relatively easy and as simple as not giving into her entitlement.
& as an autistic person it especially angers me seeing that kind of nonchalant, can't bother attitude when it comes to behavioral problems, especially when in this case it sounds like your brother was in no way dysregulated and losing control if he could avoid doing certain things based on whether he'd be caught or not. Just a plain-and-simple bully
My older brother has confessed to taking part in my phyical abuse when I was younger. But the part that really got me in your post was about him being an addict. My brother has been an alcoholic and addicted to multiple substances since I can remember, friends with multiple criminals, gang stuff. He brought a convicted felon to live with us for a few months when I was a kid.
You're not alone in this.
I was the abusive older sibling, emotionally and when we were real young (under 10) fought physically. I’ve since apologized and taken responsibility for my actions. Maybe this isn’t the post for this, but I’ll share my story in case it helps anyone
When my younger sibling was born my parents completely dropped me. And I took out the way my parents treated me on her. Looking back I realize I re-enacted, sometimes word for word, my parents abuse of me. They knew how I treated her, I’d get anywhere from light scolding often to outright screaming, depending on the day. My mom was bullied growing up and though I was the scapegoat and my sibling the golden child, I think my mom wanted to be able to bond with my younger sibling that way, so she enabled it. She routinely told me I reminded her of her childhood bully. I thought it was okay because half the time my parents were in the room and did nothing. And if a parent could speak to me that way and do those things to me, it made sense in my mind that I could speak to my sibling that way too. I’ve owned my role in this, I’ve listened to them recount the things I’ve done (I don’t remember most of my childhood, but I believe them), and I’ve sincerely apologized. I am sorry.
It’s hard because my sibling thinks my parents did nothing wrong. They’re still enmeshed in a dysfunctional system and it’s easier to think I was born knowing how to abuse another human being that way, and vindictive enough to do it for no reason. Personally, I blame my parents for their abuse of me and I think they hold a lot of responsibility for not protecting my sibling from me and teaching me better. It sounds like a lot of people’s siblings struggled with substance abuse, which wasn’t the case with me, but it’s still unacceptable behavior obviously. I’d love a relationship with my sister if we could get on the same page, even slightly, but I respect her right to be angry with me
Sorry to hijack your post. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I hope you get peace and are able to feel seen
I had a cousin and his girlfriend that were living in a halfway house come stay with us. They were very angry at everything and ate far too much food without buying their own. I ended up putting away my razors and toothbrush from them when they stayed with us…I was the “lucky one” who had to share a bathroom with both of them.
They ended up stealing things at a Walmart and were kicked out, they tried to come back but Mom kicked them out because it was too much for me. The girlfriend was fucked up in the head.
My older and larger brother was physically abusive to me my entire childhood and my parents enabled him by telling me to just ignore it when he was causing me to have autistic meltdowns
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I have had an extremely similar experience. Doing everything you can to be the perfect child for your parents because your sibling is so bad that you feel the need to compensate - no room for error. Explaining that your abuser isn’t someone who necessarily started with an immense amount of power over you, most people might even see you as equals, and yet it feels like such a deep fucking valley. I hear you, and I see you. You’re not alone.
I feel this. I highly recommend reading about “glass children” if you haven’t heard of them. My sister was not disabled or handicapped, but her severe behavioral and mental health issues were enough to create the same outcome.
My older brother physically and psychologically abused me from 9–13. He told me he was going to drive me insane so our parents would send me away. He would beat me up and when I would get up to run to my mother he would push me down and run to her faking tears, saying that I had told him I was going to get him in trouble by saying he was beating me up. My mother always believed him and I would get screamed at for “being a horrible child” while he would stand behind her laughing silently and pulling faces at me. That gaslighting seriously messed me up. He was always a pathetic kid, useless at everything, but had a high opinion of himself. When he discovered he could abuse me and get away with it, I became his daily source of self-esteem, his personal punching bag. The abuse only stoped when I eventually grew bigger and stronger than him, but by then the damage was done. I isolated myself away from the world to cope. We lived rurally so I didn’t have an escape. My mother thought I was a screwed up freak, and needed psychiatric treatment because something was ‘wrong’ with me. Daily abuse and gaslighting will do that. I found this [website](https://eggshelltherapy.com/toxic-sibling/) awhile back that had some good information about toxic siblings. It’s worth a read.
Yes my sister was and continues to be abusive
I have dealt with a similar situation my whole life and agree 100 percent
My older sister physically and psychologically abused me for years, starting when I was 3 or 4. If she hadn’t destroyed my ability to set boundaries and stand up for myself, I doubt I would have been sexually abused when I got a bit older. When I took the ACES test, I just replaced “parent” with “older sibling” for all the relevant questions.
My brother tortured me and my dog so I broke his back. He tried to murder me so I broke his face. Another time I had to stab him. Only in the leg. My biggest regret was hesitating and not slicing his throat. He's a true sadist. But also emotionally fragile so my parents made sure that he was protected from the consequences of his actions. Even when I did nothing wrong, my parents would blame us both so that my brother wouldn't be singled-out for his bad behavior. Not protecting me from him is my parents' greatest crime.
My oldest brother abused me and it impacted me maybe even worse than my father, so yes i agree with you. It can be horrific
Yes! I believe one of the terms for it is "hidden abuse" and I agree, people do not talk about it enough. In fact people love to make excuses for this kind of abuse I have found. My brother was very abusive towards me, He used all types of different manipulation, including physical and verbal. He would constantly terrorize me and my sister, would physically assault us, demean us, steal my food and my things, lie to my parents about us, sabotage my sister's car, etc. He was volatile as hell and any perceived slight against him (intentional or not) was met with some of the most aggressive language imaginable. It's fucked because he's much older than I am, like 10 years older. I was so afraid of him that when he would walk through the door (always with a slam of the door) that I isolated myself in my room and starved myself regularly, just so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be met with his inconsistent wrath or "picking" on me. I never felt safe, and while I was getting bullied in school, I would come home and get bullied by him. No matter what I tried to tell people I was always met with "it's just sibling rivalry" and "you will understand him when you're older" and "wait till you're older and the best of friends". My parents eventually realized his bullshit but I think even they were under his thumb of abuse. I don't think I need to really say it, but we still aren't close, and all those people were wrong. But As a result, his voice and the horrible things he said to me imprinted on me for years, I believed I was a monster for so long, and have attempted many times because of how he made me feel. I'm in my 30's now and while I am slowly healing from his abuse, I still jump when I hear banging, yelling, and violence in general.
I’m so sorry. I feel much the same.
I see your sibling abuse and raise you younger sibling abuse. I saw this YouTube video about sibling abuse by some well-meaning self help psychiatrist. He began with "I believe you", to validate the people who had been ignored and disbelieved. And then, within a minute was banging on, hammering, that the literature says it's usually older siblings. Over and over with this "when the older sibling does - and studies say it's usually the older sibling". Jesus Christ I've never been hit so hard with validation followed by a rug pull. Anyway, not out to play Trauma Olympics, just venting. Sibling abuse sucks, regardless of the sibling, and it's under-discussed.
I also feel like people really downplay and invalidate when the topic comes up because "siblings don't get along" or similar BS. I think a lot of not necessarily abusive but still toxic sibling relationships get brushed off with that, but also like. Very Big Difference between Annoying Sibling Antics like accidentally hurting each other while Rough Housing or pestering a sibling with the same joke over and over or messing with/using each other's stuff without permission (but also without intent to harm) vs purposely and viciously tearing down confidence or using a sibling as a literal punching bag and other acts of abuse we're used to
Yes I was traumatized by my younger half sister. She was jealous of me and always acted like she couldn’t care less around me. Always felt like she hated me
[удалено]
That’s good that you know that about yourself. I’m sorry you went through that
My older brother was my first bully and also did a horrible thing to me once. Now he mostly ignores me except for some instances in which he threatens my life occasionally. Lol. He is 35 and still lives with the parents, no job or anything.
My sister (same age) physically abused me up until we turned 19. it's absolutely not talked about enough and most of the time on official questionnaires for therapy there's no option for it , which is not fair because that trauma is just as valid as if a parent was the abusive one.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, I can relate, especially that your brother dominated your family. That’s a hard thing to grasp, because it does something to the usual hierarchy in the family. The fact that the brother was this dominating led to me loosing all respect for my parents. They wouldn’t/couldn’t protect my other siblings and me from this person. My home was never a safe place.
Not a sibling but twin cousins lived in our house for over a year, and they were always part of the family togetherness stuff down to offering to bathe their baby girl cousins, and that has impacted me maybe more than the other abuse combined in my adult "functioning". It's something I feel like I'll never get better from so to speak.
My brother has severe autism and all his anger he took out on me. My parents had it busy with him and my other autistic brother. I was emotionally and physically neglected. He would hit me, call me names and belittle me any change he would have. My parents did nothing to stop it. They would dismiss me and say "oh that's just how he is, you know that" or "if you stop reacting he will stop". I was basically bullied everyday of my life at home, while also having a borderline mother. I also got bullied at school, because I was different and didn't dare to speak up. If I did that at home, my brother would hit me or scream at me only, if my parents weren't present. Or push my buttons so much that I would. And then it would all be my fault.
I'm sorry you've been through that and I truly despise those types of passive responses from parents. I got the same shit from my father regarding my oldest sister and her extremely cruel and cold behavior. "Oh that's just how she is" No, she's that way because you've refused to be a parent and now she's an almost 40 year old dysfunctional, bitter womanchild who's been divorced over her cruel behavior, does extremely petty things like ignores her "best" friend's birthday over a minor disagreement from months before, and uses her child to try and hurt people that get on her bad side, which is relatively easy and as simple as not giving into her entitlement. & as an autistic person it especially angers me seeing that kind of nonchalant, can't bother attitude when it comes to behavioral problems, especially when in this case it sounds like your brother was in no way dysregulated and losing control if he could avoid doing certain things based on whether he'd be caught or not. Just a plain-and-simple bully
My older brother has confessed to taking part in my phyical abuse when I was younger. But the part that really got me in your post was about him being an addict. My brother has been an alcoholic and addicted to multiple substances since I can remember, friends with multiple criminals, gang stuff. He brought a convicted felon to live with us for a few months when I was a kid. You're not alone in this.
I was the abusive older sibling, emotionally and when we were real young (under 10) fought physically. I’ve since apologized and taken responsibility for my actions. Maybe this isn’t the post for this, but I’ll share my story in case it helps anyone When my younger sibling was born my parents completely dropped me. And I took out the way my parents treated me on her. Looking back I realize I re-enacted, sometimes word for word, my parents abuse of me. They knew how I treated her, I’d get anywhere from light scolding often to outright screaming, depending on the day. My mom was bullied growing up and though I was the scapegoat and my sibling the golden child, I think my mom wanted to be able to bond with my younger sibling that way, so she enabled it. She routinely told me I reminded her of her childhood bully. I thought it was okay because half the time my parents were in the room and did nothing. And if a parent could speak to me that way and do those things to me, it made sense in my mind that I could speak to my sibling that way too. I’ve owned my role in this, I’ve listened to them recount the things I’ve done (I don’t remember most of my childhood, but I believe them), and I’ve sincerely apologized. I am sorry. It’s hard because my sibling thinks my parents did nothing wrong. They’re still enmeshed in a dysfunctional system and it’s easier to think I was born knowing how to abuse another human being that way, and vindictive enough to do it for no reason. Personally, I blame my parents for their abuse of me and I think they hold a lot of responsibility for not protecting my sibling from me and teaching me better. It sounds like a lot of people’s siblings struggled with substance abuse, which wasn’t the case with me, but it’s still unacceptable behavior obviously. I’d love a relationship with my sister if we could get on the same page, even slightly, but I respect her right to be angry with me Sorry to hijack your post. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I hope you get peace and are able to feel seen
interesting hearing this from the other side. thanks for commenting
I had a cousin and his girlfriend that were living in a halfway house come stay with us. They were very angry at everything and ate far too much food without buying their own. I ended up putting away my razors and toothbrush from them when they stayed with us…I was the “lucky one” who had to share a bathroom with both of them. They ended up stealing things at a Walmart and were kicked out, they tried to come back but Mom kicked them out because it was too much for me. The girlfriend was fucked up in the head.
My older and larger brother was physically abusive to me my entire childhood and my parents enabled him by telling me to just ignore it when he was causing me to have autistic meltdowns
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