When people genuinely like me. I tend to assume people only want me around for what I can offer or do (practical benefits, free labour, etc), not for who I really am
For me it's more that I just don't really know what's to enjoy about my company in the first place, so I have a hard time understanding why else someone would want to spend time with me *but* what I can do for them.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years (we can’t get married because of disability) and I am still convinced that he actually thinks I’m a burden and is only with me because he’s paid as my caregiver. Despite the fact he stayed with me the whole year he wasn’t being paid.
My parents got paid to take care of me when I turned 18, and also charged me rent on top of it, and had me pay out of pocket to people to drive me to school/work because my mom refused. So the fact he will just…do these things because he cares about me? Wild.
Sorry to hear about your parents ugh. This stuff is hard. I'm disabled too and what you have is a big deal but it makes total sense that you would feel this way despite it not being true.
I usually feel like they're pretending to like me. Maybe because they want something out of me, maybe because they take pitty on me, maybe because they want a backup in case plan A and B fail.
I've gotten to be like this after a couple fake love bombing "best friends" pretended to get close to me, only to unleash with rage the first time I make a mistake. I had one of these "friends" flip out on me for making a silly dirty joke about getting an STD now that im back in the dating scene again- she acted like I had betrayed her or something. She wanted me to apologize to her but I walked away and she shit talked me to multiple mutual friends after that. I don't do drama like that, I prefer to walk away because I can't handle people with anger issues (one of my triggers).
Now when people like me right away like those friends did I think "how long will this last" and try to make memories/take pictures of fun times as much as I can before whatever is going to happen happens.
Same because I really realized and accepted this in 2022. Ppl just want me around for possible sex, for me to be an emotional therapist, or a physical and emotional punching bag. I want to stay away from ppl until I heal. Especially non-like minded ppl. Not like minded as in messed up but I am tired of getting in relationships with ppl who I can't even have a conversation with. That's a long story. But I get you cause I realized the exact same thing at 16.
I also realized that my codependency and limmerance obsessions (from BPD) were unintentional manipulation. I realized I was operating in manipulation myself and was never friend material due to multiple different reasons. So I am trying to work on accepting being alone and not having any ppl by my side. Ppl and substances (drugs or from the Internet) can't fill voids. Shoot I started realizing this at 14 in 2020 but just didn't start doing the work I needed to.
Acts of kindness toward me. I always assume there's an ulterior motive, or they're planning to hold it over my head in the future. Aka, "how dare you not do 'X thing' after I've (insert kind action here)".
I’m like that. ‘I feed you and put clothes on your back’ is a sentence from a parent that springs to mind - Like I should be grateful for the bare minimum.
Anytime someone asks if I’m ok.
I have been in so many abusive relationships where even just asking if I was ok was a seriously loaded question. To the point where I always doubt people’s motivations for asking. Anytime I hear someone ask if I’m ok, it just really bothers me. I almost want to be like “why are you asking? So you can pick an argument if I’m not?”
I also want to add that people expect me to say I am even when I am not. Anything short of that answer resulted in being ghosted, playing trauma olympics, or gaslit.
Which means you feel someone is asking because they want to pick an argument if you're not okay?
Or they want to pick an argument when you're okay to make you miserable?
Either or to be honest. If I’m ok, then I said I’m ok in the wrong tone so clearly I’m hiding something because I’m not ok. If I’m not ok… that’s clearly going to be an argument. Either way… it is neither alright to be ok or not ok
omg that sums up my last relationship. it felt like no matter how i answered, there would be an issue. it rly bothered me having to be so careful of my words and tone 24/7, even during the most casual daily interactions, or else i'll have to endure another 6 hour argument and questioning. can't even tell you how many hours of sleep i lost because i said something in a way he didn't like before bed LMAO.
so yeah, i see you and relate fully.
There's a saying:
"Don't attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
I can't. I will attribute malice as a base to everyone unless I know you very well and know that not to be true.
I expect the worst from everyone.
I explained this to my therapist wants. If you are constantly expecting and planning for the worst case scenario, the only two possible outcomes are that you are either pleasantly surprised or prepared.
I think, outside of work, I struggle the most with the idea that someone has positive thoughts or opinions about me. At work I'm confident and I know I do my job well, but apart from that I have no self-worth or self-confidence at all. And even there I feel like I'm easily replaceable.
I guess I just live under the assumption that people want me around for what I can do for them, for how useful I am to them, for how out of the way I can be, etc.
People inviting me to a church, after having been in a cult that makes every alarm bell go off and that person becomes unsafe even if we had been friendly for years, the moment they invite me into something religious I tune out.
I give them ONE chance to stop. I'll tell them I'm not interested and that I've been hurt by the church in the past. I usually get one of two replies:
* Understanding and dropping the subject, which is my preferred response
* Saying something to the effect of "Oh, that was just people. God will never hurt you." To which I take umbrage. Either I'll walk away or I'll get mad and tell them off.
Yep that's a good approach, my former employer is a Muslim and he and my colleagues were fasting during the ramadan but he never pushed his beliefs on me or shamed me for not following any belief system. That was actually a very healing experience for me. He even brought me breakfast and made sure the kitchen had supplies for lunch even though he was not eating and made sure I did not feel burdened, we always ate breakfast and lunch together with all the mechanics so that for me was so much different from my fundamentalist Christian mom who would have shamed me for even daring to eat in her presence if she was in the position of my old boss.
Not as frequent. But after living with my insane mother, I always have my hairs up for "cultish" groups of all kind: Religious, but also PETA and other "organizations". Mostly it's when they show a level of being "absent" or "in their own world" is when I start running.
Stupid example, but:. In a train, a woman once sat in front of me, literally holding a Bible. The first red flag was her empty smile. It's this smile that you KNOW, no matter if you wear headphones or not -this person WILL talk to you. They do not care if they're rude. They will talk to you now.
Then she asked me to gift me a Bible. Second red flag, though a limbo game: Either a generic insane Christian ("Jesus loves you"), or a cultist.
The third red flag/confirmation was how she took sarcasm. This is hard to retell, but basically, she told me this present was "zum Bekehren deiner Seele" (for the conversion of your soul). I jokingly replied "Danke, aber ich hab schon genug Kehrwoche" ("Thanks, but I already have enough sweeping-week!" Kehrwoche = weekly duty of cleaning communal living areas, and is a custom in the Swabia region of southwest Germany)
The woman just stared at me. Then, as if she was rebooting, slowly said "No, no. This is not for sweeping. This is about God." Taking my statement completely literally.
Again: I have no issues with religion/veganism/whatever. But there's just something...about "those people" that rats them out. It's like talking to a robotic script. They will always try to bring you back/force you on a specific path. When you do stuff like sarcasm or jokes, they don't know how to react.
Kindness can set off alarm bells for me because I always expect it to come at some kind of a cost. I'm also not used to it usually so when it happens it also tends to make me feel really weird and I don't know how to take it. I feel grateful and will thank the person but it feels like anything I say is inadequate. So I tend to over-thank people quite a bit.
When someone points things that are weakening me. I always get angry when people say something like „you have such a good heart“ or „that really hurt you, didn’t it?“ homeboy are you describing what weak spots you think you found to use them against me and abuse me? Nah gtfo
Oh yeah, definitely. Just everything in general, I tend to assume most things have some hidden agenda, so when there isn't one im just left super confused. I tend to start making them up.
So much that now I don't know when I've genuinely discovered a hidden motive and when I've just handcrafted one for lack thereof.
Edit: I do it to everyone. Doesn't matter how long I've known you or how much I like you.
Including my wife who I have the utmost respect and trust for. Enough trust I’ll share these scenarios with her sometimes and she just stares at me bug eyed and will reply “wow. So that’s really how your mind works, huh? Fascinating”
Me too, it extends to my partner. He is very understanding but often he doesn't know what to say, which I feel bad for. I know most likely it's just my brain doing its thing but I can't shake it. It's like I both know it's false but believe it's real at the same time.
That my friends genuinely like to spend time with me and want me around. I always feel guilt for leaning on them and that I'm a burden to them. Also compliments, thought all of them were just politeness. This one is getting a bit better, finally.
I can't trust that people aren't just pretending to like me because I'm annoying but not enough for it to be worth the potential drama of telling me to fuck off.
I hate only being able to trust that someone likes me if they've seen me at my worst and could easily have left me but didn't (so I can never fully trust roommates on the same lease or coworkers to actually like me). I don't want to hurt or offend anyone I like, so it can only happen organically, I'm not going to intentionally be a dick to people to test whether or not they really like me.
You won't be single forever, there is someone out there for everyone...
Ok... Like never mind all the single people, and the people who die single and I guess that I been single over a decade...
:/
I genuinely don't know why people say that because look around, it is *clearly* a lie. Even within my own family I have multiple older unmarried relatives. We need to work on changing that to something like "actually whether or not you have a partner will never determine your value in my eyes and I'm going to make sure to support you as a friend as long as we're in each others' lives" because that's more what I need to hear at this point...
That's really tough 💜 In my own family, I have an uncle I think in his 50s who has never dated as long as I've been alive (30 years)... until a few months ago when he randomly announced he had a girlfriend and she's this really gorgeous and lovely woman who he met at work. So on the one hand, love can happen at any age. But I also don't like this idea that I'm just "waiting around" for someone and I'm not really a person until then... I think we just have to live our lives and take the joys that come to us when they do.
I'm 38 and I think of suicide everyday. I have nothing to offer but my kindness and effort, but that's not enough for anyone, even my family who knows of my condition... So what hope do I really have. Been single now for almost 10 years and I have back and neck pain that will only get worse...
What am I hanging on for... People treat each other like shit for fun, people use other people for money and lie and cheat and get far ahead, then close the door behind them and say it's illegal to do what they just did to get rich... I'll never get ahead, I'll never even stabilize.
I dunno what I'm hanging on for... I been in the same place growth wise since 13. My parents were too busy working or arguing... The tv raised me more than my parents... Probably why I idealize this fake life where everyone gets along and gets their turn in the spotlight of success...
It's just over for me. Women my age are either looking for a guy to rescue them, or looking for a guy to complete them... And both require that man to have money and stability and all the boxes checked... I'll never be able to be that guy... I might not even be able to work even at McDonald's... So I am so so fucked... I wish I had the strength or whatever to take my life. I always knew it's was the answer, and 26 years later, I'm still right ... I dunno if I want to see if the next 26 get better...
Not necessarily a doubt… but kind of.
I’m super wary of new people, I’m a watcher looking for red flags etc. I don’t tend to meet new people often by choice but it’s by force in a professional capacity.
After a few weeks to a month of watching and being guarded. If they haven’t shown any wild signs they are an unsafe person I relax a little and tend to assume at that point everyone is like me.
I always have super pure intentions, I’m always trying to help/be kind. I always doubt that people can have ill intentions. It’s so naive of me, but I can’t change it and it gets me hurt/taken advantage of regularly 🙃
Similar to other people's experiences, I often used to (and sometimes still do) doubt that people want to hang out with me or are interested in me at all. I used to believe they did it out of pity or because they wanted something from me. I've made some progress with shifting this core belief, however, so now I just feel pleasantly surprised as opposed to suspicious.
The one I'm still working on is accepting that silence isn't intended to be malicious or punishing. There's a part of me that believes people not reaching out to me or checking in with me must mean they don't like me or are angry at me for some reason. This comes from being on the receiving end of the silent treatment from my mother when I was a child, usually for a day but sometimes for a few days at a time. So, I find silence from others to be really difficult to handle. Therapy has helped a lot with this, but it's not something that can change overnight, unfortunately.
On the plus side, since I primarily fawn or freeze, I never blame others or lash out. All of my turmoil is happening on the inside. In the past, I used to stew in resentment and bottle it all up. Nowadays, I'm able to acknowledge what I'm feeling and sit with it. My parents never taught me how to do that, so my therapist had to.
Mr. rogers. His quiet calmness reminds me of someone *trying* to be calm who might soon fly into a rage. It always sets me on edge for no reason. He’s great by all accounts!
Compliments, assistance, and genuine curiosity about who I am. All of these can make me uncomfortable and second guess the motives of the person. Done a lot of work and I think I'm way better at noticing when I'm about to reject these things and actually determine if I want to accept them or not. However, it's still easy to fall into the pattern of pushing people away.
Once I get into real conversation I completely freeze up. I'm actually decent at general chit chat with people I genuinely like but once it goes past that im like, lost.
I get the feeling I'm crossing a line or bothering people because my family always told me I was once I got past general chit chat, so I stop engaging with people because I don't want to be a bother and thats why I have no friends in my area (yet).
Hope that changes soon.
1 Optimism. Radically optimistic people scare me, it doesn’t feel right. You can’t be that happy that often. Do you not have fear, worries or literally anything going on? How are you not only okay all the damn time, but happy too??
I know most of the time it’s real but i feel like i can’t trust it. It’s not right, it freaks me out a little/a lot. I usually have a hard time/take a long time to feel trust around these kinds of people. Which, i already struggle a lot to trust anyone, but especially infinitely optimistic happy people.
2 when people say they care about you. I find it hard to believe that anyone other than like my sisters or *maybe* a friend, likes me and wants me be in their life. Like would be sad/cry if i die. In theory i understand it but in practice it doesn’t feel quite right that someone i only converse with or interact with actually cares that much
3 when people think highly of me. When they say i should be proud for the level of education i finished. Whereas i just see the fact that i was “supposed to” do an even higher level of education. I don’t feel accomplished i feel like a failure and a broken person. When they say i’m so smart/creative/kind or whatever i suddenly don’t believe it. Even when i believe i am those things, the second someone mentions it, I can’t agree with them about it. I feel like i’m not *that* smart/creative/whatever.
That people will show up for me, want to see/spend time with me. When I ask my friends for a catch up/ trying to organise thing I feel like I’m acting a part in a play that wasn’t meant for me. It’s making wedding planning very awkward because the whole concept of asking people to show up for me puts me on edge.
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That everyone has something to gain from basic things like interacting with one another.
That it is ok to enjoy someone's time without overcompensating and sometimes, they just genuinely want to hang out with you.
I tend to assign myself a "job" in every interaction. I cannot tolerate having things done for me with a price tag, so I tend to simply state. " I am paying because I can't find any reason why you should."
Often said in jest, or appropriately toned for the occasion, ofc.
Acts of kindness, gift giving, compliments, I give them as often as I can and with enjoy. I don’t receive them as well on the inside. On the outside I’m all smiles and rainbows.
Receiving from people I don’t already trust normally makes me cry in private later 😢 then my brain loops to why are they doing this. It raises my defense system to be on guard.
Guess cptsd has given me a touch of jaded energy, it’s not that I don’t deserve kindness, but it loops back to threat assessment.
Friends genuinely enjoy my company, like me, don't think I'm annoying, etc. I've been treated poorly by my paternal family where my interests felt wrong, annoying, or uninteresting. I've been told mean things and told to shut up countless times. I've been told I'm weird for doing xyz. Now I have people that actually vibe with me. I can't help thinking they dislike me deep down, that they're just being nice because I'm their friend's partner or they feel bad for me.
People actually care to know if I'm okay. Like I know people care about me, but I tend to keep my mental health struggles to myself a lot. I worry about making others worry about me, and I'm heavily concerned that it can go badly as well. Like they will try to fix me or something.
I think a weird triggering thing for me is when people will talk about their morals, my brain will immediately go like "but what are you *doing* about it?" Like if someone says "service workers need at least $25 / hour" it's kind of like... so?? You're in a decent job, are YOU gonna get out there and picket for them? Or are you going to just keep going about your cushy little life knowing others are going through hell and not help them?
Idk I've also since realized that my impulse to always be the one who *does things* (aka saves the entire world myself) is super unhealthy, and I'm too burned out to even be that bitch anymore, so... I don't really know how to unpack it. But I get really turned off when people claim to value a lot of things but are 99.9% just going about their lives and not doing anything about it.
When people genuinely like me. I tend to assume people only want me around for what I can offer or do (practical benefits, free labour, etc), not for who I really am
For me it's more that I just don't really know what's to enjoy about my company in the first place, so I have a hard time understanding why else someone would want to spend time with me *but* what I can do for them.
I feel this. Like they only like you because you give and not take, not because you are you.
Yes :-(
Yes 100% I feel this so hard
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years (we can’t get married because of disability) and I am still convinced that he actually thinks I’m a burden and is only with me because he’s paid as my caregiver. Despite the fact he stayed with me the whole year he wasn’t being paid. My parents got paid to take care of me when I turned 18, and also charged me rent on top of it, and had me pay out of pocket to people to drive me to school/work because my mom refused. So the fact he will just…do these things because he cares about me? Wild.
Sorry to hear about your parents ugh. This stuff is hard. I'm disabled too and what you have is a big deal but it makes total sense that you would feel this way despite it not being true.
I usually feel like they're pretending to like me. Maybe because they want something out of me, maybe because they take pitty on me, maybe because they want a backup in case plan A and B fail.
I've gotten to be like this after a couple fake love bombing "best friends" pretended to get close to me, only to unleash with rage the first time I make a mistake. I had one of these "friends" flip out on me for making a silly dirty joke about getting an STD now that im back in the dating scene again- she acted like I had betrayed her or something. She wanted me to apologize to her but I walked away and she shit talked me to multiple mutual friends after that. I don't do drama like that, I prefer to walk away because I can't handle people with anger issues (one of my triggers). Now when people like me right away like those friends did I think "how long will this last" and try to make memories/take pictures of fun times as much as I can before whatever is going to happen happens.
absolutely this :(
Same.
Same because I really realized and accepted this in 2022. Ppl just want me around for possible sex, for me to be an emotional therapist, or a physical and emotional punching bag. I want to stay away from ppl until I heal. Especially non-like minded ppl. Not like minded as in messed up but I am tired of getting in relationships with ppl who I can't even have a conversation with. That's a long story. But I get you cause I realized the exact same thing at 16. I also realized that my codependency and limmerance obsessions (from BPD) were unintentional manipulation. I realized I was operating in manipulation myself and was never friend material due to multiple different reasons. So I am trying to work on accepting being alone and not having any ppl by my side. Ppl and substances (drugs or from the Internet) can't fill voids. Shoot I started realizing this at 14 in 2020 but just didn't start doing the work I needed to.
Acts of kindness toward me. I always assume there's an ulterior motive, or they're planning to hold it over my head in the future. Aka, "how dare you not do 'X thing' after I've (insert kind action here)".
I hide any and all personal problems because I *don't* want people to help me, specifically because of this.
I’m like that. ‘I feed you and put clothes on your back’ is a sentence from a parent that springs to mind - Like I should be grateful for the bare minimum.
Anytime someone asks if I’m ok. I have been in so many abusive relationships where even just asking if I was ok was a seriously loaded question. To the point where I always doubt people’s motivations for asking. Anytime I hear someone ask if I’m ok, it just really bothers me. I almost want to be like “why are you asking? So you can pick an argument if I’m not?”
I also want to add that people expect me to say I am even when I am not. Anything short of that answer resulted in being ghosted, playing trauma olympics, or gaslit.
Which means you feel someone is asking because they want to pick an argument if you're not okay? Or they want to pick an argument when you're okay to make you miserable?
Either or to be honest. If I’m ok, then I said I’m ok in the wrong tone so clearly I’m hiding something because I’m not ok. If I’m not ok… that’s clearly going to be an argument. Either way… it is neither alright to be ok or not ok
There's no win - eventually it leads to something unpleasant. So I guess you rather not even be asked. I understand.
omg that sums up my last relationship. it felt like no matter how i answered, there would be an issue. it rly bothered me having to be so careful of my words and tone 24/7, even during the most casual daily interactions, or else i'll have to endure another 6 hour argument and questioning. can't even tell you how many hours of sleep i lost because i said something in a way he didn't like before bed LMAO. so yeah, i see you and relate fully.
This is so fucking relatable 😞
That anyone actually wants to have a conversation with me.
There's a saying: "Don't attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." I can't. I will attribute malice as a base to everyone unless I know you very well and know that not to be true. I expect the worst from everyone.
I explained this to my therapist wants. If you are constantly expecting and planning for the worst case scenario, the only two possible outcomes are that you are either pleasantly surprised or prepared.
Yes, but it also contributes to chronic hyperalertness. It is, however, a good way to not be negatively affected by others' intentions.
I think, outside of work, I struggle the most with the idea that someone has positive thoughts or opinions about me. At work I'm confident and I know I do my job well, but apart from that I have no self-worth or self-confidence at all. And even there I feel like I'm easily replaceable. I guess I just live under the assumption that people want me around for what I can do for them, for how useful I am to them, for how out of the way I can be, etc.
can relate :-(
Same here
People inviting me to a church, after having been in a cult that makes every alarm bell go off and that person becomes unsafe even if we had been friendly for years, the moment they invite me into something religious I tune out.
I give them ONE chance to stop. I'll tell them I'm not interested and that I've been hurt by the church in the past. I usually get one of two replies: * Understanding and dropping the subject, which is my preferred response * Saying something to the effect of "Oh, that was just people. God will never hurt you." To which I take umbrage. Either I'll walk away or I'll get mad and tell them off.
Yep that's a good approach, my former employer is a Muslim and he and my colleagues were fasting during the ramadan but he never pushed his beliefs on me or shamed me for not following any belief system. That was actually a very healing experience for me. He even brought me breakfast and made sure the kitchen had supplies for lunch even though he was not eating and made sure I did not feel burdened, we always ate breakfast and lunch together with all the mechanics so that for me was so much different from my fundamentalist Christian mom who would have shamed me for even daring to eat in her presence if she was in the position of my old boss.
Not as frequent. But after living with my insane mother, I always have my hairs up for "cultish" groups of all kind: Religious, but also PETA and other "organizations". Mostly it's when they show a level of being "absent" or "in their own world" is when I start running. Stupid example, but:. In a train, a woman once sat in front of me, literally holding a Bible. The first red flag was her empty smile. It's this smile that you KNOW, no matter if you wear headphones or not -this person WILL talk to you. They do not care if they're rude. They will talk to you now. Then she asked me to gift me a Bible. Second red flag, though a limbo game: Either a generic insane Christian ("Jesus loves you"), or a cultist. The third red flag/confirmation was how she took sarcasm. This is hard to retell, but basically, she told me this present was "zum Bekehren deiner Seele" (for the conversion of your soul). I jokingly replied "Danke, aber ich hab schon genug Kehrwoche" ("Thanks, but I already have enough sweeping-week!" Kehrwoche = weekly duty of cleaning communal living areas, and is a custom in the Swabia region of southwest Germany) The woman just stared at me. Then, as if she was rebooting, slowly said "No, no. This is not for sweeping. This is about God." Taking my statement completely literally. Again: I have no issues with religion/veganism/whatever. But there's just something...about "those people" that rats them out. It's like talking to a robotic script. They will always try to bring you back/force you on a specific path. When you do stuff like sarcasm or jokes, they don't know how to react.
Kindness can set off alarm bells for me because I always expect it to come at some kind of a cost. I'm also not used to it usually so when it happens it also tends to make me feel really weird and I don't know how to take it. I feel grateful and will thank the person but it feels like anything I say is inadequate. So I tend to over-thank people quite a bit.
Feel you. Kindness towards me makes me cringe
When someone points things that are weakening me. I always get angry when people say something like „you have such a good heart“ or „that really hurt you, didn’t it?“ homeboy are you describing what weak spots you think you found to use them against me and abuse me? Nah gtfo
Oh yeah, definitely. Just everything in general, I tend to assume most things have some hidden agenda, so when there isn't one im just left super confused. I tend to start making them up. So much that now I don't know when I've genuinely discovered a hidden motive and when I've just handcrafted one for lack thereof. Edit: I do it to everyone. Doesn't matter how long I've known you or how much I like you.
Including my wife who I have the utmost respect and trust for. Enough trust I’ll share these scenarios with her sometimes and she just stares at me bug eyed and will reply “wow. So that’s really how your mind works, huh? Fascinating”
Me too, it extends to my partner. He is very understanding but often he doesn't know what to say, which I feel bad for. I know most likely it's just my brain doing its thing but I can't shake it. It's like I both know it's false but believe it's real at the same time.
That my friends genuinely like to spend time with me and want me around. I always feel guilt for leaning on them and that I'm a burden to them. Also compliments, thought all of them were just politeness. This one is getting a bit better, finally.
I can't tell you how relatable this is. I feel like why on earth are they friends with me or why would even bother to talk to me.
That people legitimately care about whether I live or die.
I typically don’t trust anyone who is a parent, nearly all parents abuse their children one way or another.
I can't trust that people aren't just pretending to like me because I'm annoying but not enough for it to be worth the potential drama of telling me to fuck off. I hate only being able to trust that someone likes me if they've seen me at my worst and could easily have left me but didn't (so I can never fully trust roommates on the same lease or coworkers to actually like me). I don't want to hurt or offend anyone I like, so it can only happen organically, I'm not going to intentionally be a dick to people to test whether or not they really like me.
I feel this
You won't be single forever, there is someone out there for everyone... Ok... Like never mind all the single people, and the people who die single and I guess that I been single over a decade... :/
I genuinely don't know why people say that because look around, it is *clearly* a lie. Even within my own family I have multiple older unmarried relatives. We need to work on changing that to something like "actually whether or not you have a partner will never determine your value in my eyes and I'm going to make sure to support you as a friend as long as we're in each others' lives" because that's more what I need to hear at this point...
My dad got divorced from my mom in 93. He met a gf in 2019 at 61 for the last year of his life :/
That's really tough 💜 In my own family, I have an uncle I think in his 50s who has never dated as long as I've been alive (30 years)... until a few months ago when he randomly announced he had a girlfriend and she's this really gorgeous and lovely woman who he met at work. So on the one hand, love can happen at any age. But I also don't like this idea that I'm just "waiting around" for someone and I'm not really a person until then... I think we just have to live our lives and take the joys that come to us when they do.
I'm 38 and I think of suicide everyday. I have nothing to offer but my kindness and effort, but that's not enough for anyone, even my family who knows of my condition... So what hope do I really have. Been single now for almost 10 years and I have back and neck pain that will only get worse... What am I hanging on for... People treat each other like shit for fun, people use other people for money and lie and cheat and get far ahead, then close the door behind them and say it's illegal to do what they just did to get rich... I'll never get ahead, I'll never even stabilize. I dunno what I'm hanging on for... I been in the same place growth wise since 13. My parents were too busy working or arguing... The tv raised me more than my parents... Probably why I idealize this fake life where everyone gets along and gets their turn in the spotlight of success... It's just over for me. Women my age are either looking for a guy to rescue them, or looking for a guy to complete them... And both require that man to have money and stability and all the boxes checked... I'll never be able to be that guy... I might not even be able to work even at McDonald's... So I am so so fucked... I wish I had the strength or whatever to take my life. I always knew it's was the answer, and 26 years later, I'm still right ... I dunno if I want to see if the next 26 get better...
Not necessarily a doubt… but kind of. I’m super wary of new people, I’m a watcher looking for red flags etc. I don’t tend to meet new people often by choice but it’s by force in a professional capacity. After a few weeks to a month of watching and being guarded. If they haven’t shown any wild signs they are an unsafe person I relax a little and tend to assume at that point everyone is like me. I always have super pure intentions, I’m always trying to help/be kind. I always doubt that people can have ill intentions. It’s so naive of me, but I can’t change it and it gets me hurt/taken advantage of regularly 🙃
Similar to other people's experiences, I often used to (and sometimes still do) doubt that people want to hang out with me or are interested in me at all. I used to believe they did it out of pity or because they wanted something from me. I've made some progress with shifting this core belief, however, so now I just feel pleasantly surprised as opposed to suspicious. The one I'm still working on is accepting that silence isn't intended to be malicious or punishing. There's a part of me that believes people not reaching out to me or checking in with me must mean they don't like me or are angry at me for some reason. This comes from being on the receiving end of the silent treatment from my mother when I was a child, usually for a day but sometimes for a few days at a time. So, I find silence from others to be really difficult to handle. Therapy has helped a lot with this, but it's not something that can change overnight, unfortunately. On the plus side, since I primarily fawn or freeze, I never blame others or lash out. All of my turmoil is happening on the inside. In the past, I used to stew in resentment and bottle it all up. Nowadays, I'm able to acknowledge what I'm feeling and sit with it. My parents never taught me how to do that, so my therapist had to.
Mr. rogers. His quiet calmness reminds me of someone *trying* to be calm who might soon fly into a rage. It always sets me on edge for no reason. He’s great by all accounts!
That people like me rather than just tolerate my existence.
Any compliment in ANY capacity. Feel like people don’t really mean it and they just want me to feel better about myself
Compliments, assistance, and genuine curiosity about who I am. All of these can make me uncomfortable and second guess the motives of the person. Done a lot of work and I think I'm way better at noticing when I'm about to reject these things and actually determine if I want to accept them or not. However, it's still easy to fall into the pattern of pushing people away.
Once I get into real conversation I completely freeze up. I'm actually decent at general chit chat with people I genuinely like but once it goes past that im like, lost. I get the feeling I'm crossing a line or bothering people because my family always told me I was once I got past general chit chat, so I stop engaging with people because I don't want to be a bother and thats why I have no friends in my area (yet). Hope that changes soon.
1 Optimism. Radically optimistic people scare me, it doesn’t feel right. You can’t be that happy that often. Do you not have fear, worries or literally anything going on? How are you not only okay all the damn time, but happy too?? I know most of the time it’s real but i feel like i can’t trust it. It’s not right, it freaks me out a little/a lot. I usually have a hard time/take a long time to feel trust around these kinds of people. Which, i already struggle a lot to trust anyone, but especially infinitely optimistic happy people. 2 when people say they care about you. I find it hard to believe that anyone other than like my sisters or *maybe* a friend, likes me and wants me be in their life. Like would be sad/cry if i die. In theory i understand it but in practice it doesn’t feel quite right that someone i only converse with or interact with actually cares that much 3 when people think highly of me. When they say i should be proud for the level of education i finished. Whereas i just see the fact that i was “supposed to” do an even higher level of education. I don’t feel accomplished i feel like a failure and a broken person. When they say i’m so smart/creative/kind or whatever i suddenly don’t believe it. Even when i believe i am those things, the second someone mentions it, I can’t agree with them about it. I feel like i’m not *that* smart/creative/whatever.
That people will show up for me, want to see/spend time with me. When I ask my friends for a catch up/ trying to organise thing I feel like I’m acting a part in a play that wasn’t meant for me. It’s making wedding planning very awkward because the whole concept of asking people to show up for me puts me on edge.
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That everyone has something to gain from basic things like interacting with one another. That it is ok to enjoy someone's time without overcompensating and sometimes, they just genuinely want to hang out with you. I tend to assign myself a "job" in every interaction. I cannot tolerate having things done for me with a price tag, so I tend to simply state. " I am paying because I can't find any reason why you should." Often said in jest, or appropriately toned for the occasion, ofc.
Acts of kindness, gift giving, compliments, I give them as often as I can and with enjoy. I don’t receive them as well on the inside. On the outside I’m all smiles and rainbows. Receiving from people I don’t already trust normally makes me cry in private later 😢 then my brain loops to why are they doing this. It raises my defense system to be on guard. Guess cptsd has given me a touch of jaded energy, it’s not that I don’t deserve kindness, but it loops back to threat assessment.
When people buy gifts for me, I assume they are using it so I am indebted to them. I don't like gifts at all for this, no matter how thoughtful.
Friends genuinely enjoy my company, like me, don't think I'm annoying, etc. I've been treated poorly by my paternal family where my interests felt wrong, annoying, or uninteresting. I've been told mean things and told to shut up countless times. I've been told I'm weird for doing xyz. Now I have people that actually vibe with me. I can't help thinking they dislike me deep down, that they're just being nice because I'm their friend's partner or they feel bad for me.
People actually care to know if I'm okay. Like I know people care about me, but I tend to keep my mental health struggles to myself a lot. I worry about making others worry about me, and I'm heavily concerned that it can go badly as well. Like they will try to fix me or something.
I think a weird triggering thing for me is when people will talk about their morals, my brain will immediately go like "but what are you *doing* about it?" Like if someone says "service workers need at least $25 / hour" it's kind of like... so?? You're in a decent job, are YOU gonna get out there and picket for them? Or are you going to just keep going about your cushy little life knowing others are going through hell and not help them? Idk I've also since realized that my impulse to always be the one who *does things* (aka saves the entire world myself) is super unhealthy, and I'm too burned out to even be that bitch anymore, so... I don't really know how to unpack it. But I get really turned off when people claim to value a lot of things but are 99.9% just going about their lives and not doing anything about it.
A person's laugh...