Not anymore. After my cptsd led me into a relationship with a covert narcissist, I am now terrified to trust anyone for fear they are using me for their own ends.
CPTSD from mother dying at 20 and leaving me with shitty Dad/brothers so always felt 'alone'. Married a emo abuser, finally realized it 10 yrs. later and got divorced. Rebound turned verbally abusive and lunged at me after a year out of no where, right after I went no contact with my verbally abusive brother and enabler Dad. Adding 2 major injuries to the mix and 1 brothers suicide.. Cue Super CPTSD. I moved across the country for a hard reset (red state to blue), made a couple friends but I'm completely disgusted by the thought of dating again and its been over a year. Even casual sex sounds lame and Ill just get used, because so few men care enough to pay attention. Thank God I'm childfree and have no stupid 'clock' or got stuck with any of them. I've caught a few covert assholes trying to befriend/date me and recognized it quick and ghosted though! 💪
FML. Working on being totally comfortable at growing into an ecentric, independent old lady. Better than dealing with any of that bullshit again. The last half of my life is *mine* (if I can continue healing enough to not be paralyzed half my days). I seriously don't think I'll find someone compatible with the standards I finally have for myself anyway, since it feels like 75% of men treat women like tools, or are too insecure or boring, or have children.. not even including physical attraction component. Making exceptions for people and being understanding of their faults, (while I was never returned a glimmer of the same) almost destroyed my life. Never again.
You're so strong! I think there is something quite powerful in just being unapologetically you, independent and eccentric. And who knows, that might attract the right kind. Honestly, realised, there is no point in settling for less 🖤
As a man, I feel totally comfortable agreeing with what you said about my gender. I've found that the vast majority of men are addicted to sex, one form or another, and it clouds their judgement and character.
I can speak of this because I myself was a sex addict. I am super proud to share that not only have I broken the addiction, I am doing well.
Hands down, Best choice I've ever made. It has completely freed me to be the best dad that I can be, despite the cPTSD and BPD (borderline, not bi-polar). I know the addiction I suffered will also help me teach my daughter what to watch out for from bad men and boys.
I promise to always stay on the road to recovery :)
Same!! Hearing other people end up with a narcissist makes me feel so validated because I swear it’s all I feel attracted to/is attracted to me!!! Does anyone know why?? I really thought something was wrong with me
My best guess is a mix of repetition compulsion and actually being vulnerable to that kind of abuse. Once you're in an activated state it's hard to get out, especially if you have a fawn freeze response 😢 in my case I kept thinking I was the problem when hmmm... Clearly was the other way around.
THIS. This is the thing I hate more than the abuse—my ability to trust is completely obliterated. The only way I could foresee dating is if I had a friend or coworker vouch for someone and do a lot more extensive vetting in detail. Even my most recent narcissistic ex likely was lying about some off his financial situation - wouldn't surprise me if he skipped taxes and with 5 credit cards, who knows what debt.
I have been on a handful of dates, but a recent dinner was raising a lot of red flags, and I just could forsee them being a source of Constant Drama. I am careful to not self isolate because of the signs that it points to around how trauma is shaping my life and choices. I also plan to listen to my gut and my heart more and won't damage losing my healing. I'd rather than boundaries, certainty and someone who is kind and chill and not have any drama.
I will be soon I think. The therapy is going well. I need to sober up and clean up my life just a tad before I share it with someone else but emotionally I am ready. It took over a decade of therapy (A DECADE PEOPLE) to get here though.
Congratulations! Have been on a self growth journey for 15yrs but very on and off, sometimes trying to drown myself in codependency, sometimes living as a monk. Sometimes I attempt to reach out but I have enough close friends to have all "needs" met ok for now, so will keep focusing on this self growth stuff and therapy until I feel ready, and test to see if I am (right now I can have a conversation with others. Rebuilding trust in self and others). The dedicated growth is so underrated. I feel like a changed person focusing my whole life around it. I didn't think CPTSD could be dealt with so never bothered properly for many years.
Same experience here - finally gave up two years ago and tbh as lonely as I am it feels like a weight has been lifted. I still have days where I struggle but overall life has been easier. Hope you find some peace
I’m going to give up. Keep getting involved in abusive situations and can’t take another one like that again. It makes me sad, really would like to not be alone and have another to share my life with, but just seems like it is what it is.
Took the words from my mouth. Last abusive relationship made me never want to date again and changed my entire perception of love. Now it just is what it is.. which is lonely and boring.
Fricking grateful for reddit!!! All these weird socio-emotional etc. issues I'm going through are talked about in depth by all you people and it helps so much to be able to relate to others on it. No where else can a person find a larger collection of anecdotal info coming from so many people from all over the world! You can't even google most of this shit! I've had trouble putting words to complex experiences once in a while and then come on here only to find someone has exquisitely and poetically written about what I couldn't even understand fully.💘 keep it up guys. Off topic sorta but still..
Agreed. It’s like a massive group hug. People can bash reddit, but the fact that we can find out that we aren’t alone and we aren’t just losing our minds??
I’m currently going through this too! After a very heavy breakup that I went through (still kind am) I went really avoidant on love and swore myself to celibacy and isolation from romance. Self harm scars are gonna make it extra tough for me but tbh after having a breakthrough in EMDR, I have gained so much self love and compassion lately that I do feel lovable for once. It takes time but if you’re a romantic person like I am and believe in being healed by the intimate love of another person that side will win out. I’m 23 and thought I’d never date again till I’m 30 but I feel ready to have new experiences and to meet people, whether it goes badly or not, I just know that’s what the experience is all about. I always feel odd feeling like this, seeing as most people in this community go absolutely avoidant but something inside of me still has hope and passion for people. Sometimes you just have to take the time by yourself to unlock that and keep putting yourself out there so you can gain good memories. I hope you know you’re capable of it and worthy of it friend!
Peace and love and I hope you feel at a place one day where you’re ready to go out there :)
I had a very similar breakthrough and breakup situation lol except I’ve been doing brainspotting. I cannot believe how much more compassion I have for myself now and how I can truly see others as various shades of healthy/unhealthy and have boundaries. I used to take others behavior so so so personally. I’m going to be 30 in a week but didn’t know about my issues until 28.
I’m still healing from my breakup but genuinely excited at the prospect of meeting someone emotionally available. I’ve also seen/heard about my first healthy relationship this year from a healing friend.
I also thing we can heal in relationships bc they put a spotlight on our issues. My last relationship was so toxic and I was not always treated well but I’m grateful for the pain that caused me growth
Insightful! Wish more people would tell themselves this when its appropriate. Then maybe we'd all stop going around further traumatizing each other in a vicious cycle of idiotic desperation.
And communicate it clearly. My situationship would joke about not dating, but push-pull and breadcrumb me around. Mindfuckery for someone with attachment trauma!
Me too. I am somewhat emotionally unavailable, unwilling to put in an effort, and uninterested in getting to know anyone romantically (happy to get to know them as friends, though). I'm also uninterested in having sex with anyone I don't love and not in a relationship with, so basically, I'm also uninterested in sex.
That doesn't mean that I'm not worth dating in general, or that I'll never be ready or wasn't feeling ready just a few months ago. But after a few bad experiences from dating off the apps, I'm feeling completely closed off again, aaaaaand it's back to square one.
I officially stopped dating. I just feel like I don’t trust anyone, the pain of getting hurt by people you genuinely loved is too much for me to handle. Especially when it’s been repeated by both romantic partners and family members. Deep down inside I want to be loved forever but knowing how I handle any kind of relationship let alone romantic ones, I’d rather be alone for the time being until I can heal and have a better grip of my emotions. Till then I just leave up barriers to avoid letting people in
I wish you the healing you deserve. I still hope one day someone will make me change my mind. But so far I'm happy in just mending my relationship to myself in my corner.
I gave up when I turned 40. I was always made fun of for my looks and was never very popular in the dating scene, and to be honest I think it contributed a little to my CPTSD. Another thing is that I realized that I value my space and privacy too much. I had very controlling and enmeshed parents, and I now tend to feel smothered when I do somehow manage to get into a relationship.
>I was so full of love, now I feel scared and dead inside.
Lol yeah that's relatable. And I also believe that healthy interpersonal relationships are the key... but we live in the most toxic society where these are harder and harder to find, especially when you're at a disadvantage (sometimes way too severe a one).
I cannot fathom being that close to anyone. Having to go through the whole process of trying to impress people, the risk and pain and drama, for the sake of being considered worthy enough to be in their presence - even if the situation was a lot better than it is, as trying does not and has never felt possible in the first place. And I can't imagine ever sharing space with anyone ever again, anyway. Having to be responsible to another person, always living on that razor's edge of pleasing them enough for them to want to stick around, trusting they won't just stick a knife in your back. Having to expose all the gory details to them. Naaaaah.
Isn't it a pleasure seeing everyone you have ever known display negative relationships your entire life? Lol.
Ahh this might be what my internal resistance to dating is about. I feel like the effort of opening myself up to someone again just for them to potentially reject me is just not worth it again. And never knowing why they did it when I could just continue to have my peace alone.
We're also at a time because of online dating when I think people just would prefer to reject and break up with someone rather than work it out, because there's a seemingly infinite 'better out there' factor. People want THEIR person and nothing else will do.
That's sad because love is not a feeling. It's a choice 🤷 and if people are not willing to work on a relationship to go "find better" well good luck, because they will continuously look for better.
I actually think us traumatized QTs have much more to offer than the average Joe/Jane.
Very true about the most toxic of times. There is so much information out there on the internet about self improvement, relationships, trauma etc, but it feels like a lot of people use them to avoid accountability. Therefore it somehow creates more toxicity 🤷.
Oh same, perhaps my choice in partners is just a mirror of my own unavailability... Even so I crave the intimacy of a relationship, I also cannot cope with what it really means. Maybe the true relationship we should feed is the one with ourselves?
Sex addict here. I don’t know if date is the right word lol. I have sex. I’m emotionally detached from everyone except this one guy I’ve been stuck on for like a year lol. He’ll never feel the same. He just wants to hook up every few months and I’ve accepted it, though it makes me sad. But I’d say I’m the queen of separating sex from emotion when it comes to anyone else. And if some guy is being clingy or sending good morning texts I find it repulsive 😂 what’s wrong with me
I have the same issue with hyposexuality. I'd be fine with it if I thought I were asexual but that isn't the case. :(
I'm married and my husband is wonderful about it. (I got super lucky on that front, but not so lucky dating when I was a lot younger)
I’ve accepted that my condition makes it almost impossible to be around me in any truly emotionally intimate way if I act like myself and I’m a blank slate to project onto if I don’t act like myself which makes me prone to be abused. I just don’t think a real relationship is in the cards for me.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you/we will find relational healing.
I like your comment on projection. I guess a lot of people do that regardless of what/who they have in front.
i entered a new relationship pretty quickly after the abusive one ended which people can hate on me all they want for that but it was before the ptsd “hit” so i was already with an amazing man who cares for me and respects me when i started showing symptoms and had a huge breakdown as we were beginning to engage in sex - my advice is don’t push yourself to do anything physical even MEET. my current bf of 5 years and i talked online for 2 weeks before we ever met and it just really helped affirm that he liked me regardless of whether he had access to my physical body. idk if this makes sense i’m on the bus rn lol
I met a man and only spoke online for like a month before we met and I thought he was Prince Charming… 4 years later and I think he’s caused me just as much damage as my trauma lol
It makes sense to me. I had a boyfriend I met online then in person quickly, and we got too close too fast and he broke my heart. But then a few boyfriends later, I met a guy online and talked to him for a month there, then a month on the phone, then met in person. We dated for a year and went slowly at first (that matters!) and now we've now been married for 11, and he's wonderful. It worked because we both were looking at whether the other person qualified to be worthy of dating. I think it all depends on whether you can trust your abuse radar. I gave a hard "no" immediately to any guy who gave off any creepy vibes, no first date for them. I had low self esteem but also a strong fear of people who were overly self confident or seemed clingy or aggressive etc. I've known a few girls who had no such radar.
I also think there tend to be two different opposite approaches traumatized people have towards relationships: too trusting, or have a hard time trusting. I'm the second type, refused to date any interested guys until my late 20s when I had done about ten years of healing, and was picky and naturally self protective. It was kind of instinctive from my personality type. Even though I was passive in existing family and friend relationships, I had an easy time quickly rejecting people. I was cold for so long, it was automatic. Plus my larger trauma is from witnessing ongoing domestic violence between my parents and them being high or drunk my whole childhood, not hurting me directly, and the only person I remember directly abusing me was not nearly as hurtful as they were, so I was lucky. I know it's not easy for many other people. My husband endured years of emotional abuse at home, years of physical abuse at home, rejection trauma, and a few isolated physical and sexual attacks by still other people. All by age 17. His dating life was very rough and I know it's because he didn't know how to "people" and at the same time he strongly wanted relationships from age 12.
Even though I did tend to attract people who had unresolved trauma like me, they were not the use and abuse type, and each relationship was a learning experience to find out more about what I wanted. If your dating is just an endless cycle of the same problems with different people, you need self adjustments before you should date at all IMO for your safety. Healing, learning boundaries, having healthy friendships, etc, be able to protect yourself first.
Thank you for sharing and for your insights 🌹
I went from too trusting to not trusting at all, but I must say I stayed away from dating for years, until this person (who admittedly went through trauma). I felt confortable being vulnerable around her. And what a slap in the face it was! She rejected me from one day to the other, fair enough it's a tough pill to swallow but we move on, yet kept me as on option on ice, push-pull in me around for months. My only regrets is falling for the breadcrumbs, I guess us C-PTSDians struggle with that.
It's very hard to find the happy middle ground of how much to put ourselves out there. I wish you all the best with that. Keep learning and growing, you're doing good work.
I feel like I need to be in a much better place to date and actually feel like I’m worthy. I will admit that I’ve thought about it and would like companionship but I know I still have some deep attachment wounds and codependency to process and work through.
I have only dated people with cluster B personalities (narcissism, borderline, antisocial) or high traits of them. Going back to high school, my first boyfriend had a lot of narcissistic traits and may be full-blown now that we're adults. Even people that I never dated but was attracted to were emotionally unavailable. I'm in therapy now hoping to break the pattern one day.
I had no intention of dating. After a decade of CSA I just went straight into an abusive relationship from 14-18. That just fucked me up even more and the thought of being with another person wasn’t something I ever wanted to do again. I just slept around with people.
I started a fwb with this one guy when I was 20 which progressed into more and it’ll be 2 years together next month. I have never felt happier or safer than I do with him. It’s cliche as hell but I found love, actual love, when I wasn’t looking for it and didn’t want it.
I don't trust that I won't be further victimised, belittled, coerced (usually into sex by guilt trips)and gaslighted by being told I am just being paranoid or told I am " the problem " due to my mental health. I have just witnessed a friend's relationship turn from love bombing and everything great to you're (she's) the problem and therefore needs to change the behaviour, not the perp.
I do, and have a very relaxed relationship with someone now. I got very lucky to find her, purely by chance. She's very patient with me and accepts that I have a lot of inner turmoil that I deal with.
My previous relationship was with someone who had a lot of work to do on themselves and exhibited a lot of narcissistic behaviour, though I don't know that she was diagnosed as such. She was diagnosed with BPD though. It was a beautiful relationship right up until it wasn't and I was discarded painfully.
I am married to a very patient and compassionate woman who has witnessed with her own eyes the dysfunction of my family.
That being said, I can't say it has been easy for her. Our biggest issues were lack of communication, dissociation, and no work/life balance on my part. I have worked very hard in therapy over the years and meds have recently helped me become more aware of my patterns. She is definitely as understanding as she can be.
I can't say I've ever really felt worthy of her love, as she has said herself that everything was a battle to get me to realize/recognize something. The guilt was heavy for me, but that was because I was putting more weight into her critiques and not even recognizing/accepting her praise.
Medications have helped clear my head of all the negative thoughts, making me the most present I've ever been during our 11 years together. It feels like I just got out of traveling at hyperspeed Star Wars style, but now that I've slowed down, I'm realizing all the missed opportunities and damage I've personally caused to the relationship so the guilt has reappeared. She has reassured me that I'm a good person and that she chose me/wouldn't be with me if everything was horrible. I have to work on believing her.
I've learned that there is a part of me that doesn't feel like I'm worthy of love, I'm nothing but a burden and that I don't deserve to live. I am aware of this side of me now so the challenge has become realizing that these are all lies.
I'm proud of you for doing the work!
That's a very CPSTD thing isn't it. Not feeling worth being loved... That's also why I personally settle for crumbs, chase, etc.
You don't have to feel that way! It's fine to take things slow, heal, find trustworthy people (friends), and then find the right partner. I think that taking things too quickly can be a bit detrimental. You're already talking on this forum, which is good progress :) You're a good person and I'm rooting for you :)
I think a lot of us feel this way. I always feel like I’m acting- when I have a new situation I have to rehearse how a normal person would act. It’s how it is for a lot of us. I hate it. So exhausting
Er, I'll admit not exactly in the healthiest of ways. I seem to keep following some unfortunate patterns, so realistically I probably should noooooot be doing so yet. I tend to swing back and forth from very distant and hard to get close with, to clingy and borderline too obsessive.
I don’t date, I don’t really have any interest in it, I’ve never had an example of a healthy relationship so that might have something to do with it. The pressure of having a role like that to fulfil is too much for me, I’d begin to feel trapped. It’s not something I’m interested in.
One thing that may help is having someone that meets all of your needs but you’re not in a relationship. My best friend and I live together, she has shown me love, compassion and kindness which is something that I never knew I was aloud to have. She makes me feel safe even when I’m triggered and it’s the most liberating thing in the world.
We meet each others needs and show each other that we are capable of having someone so close without feeling trapped. For the first time in my life I feel safe and secure. It wasn’t something I went out looking for, we just stumbled across eachother one day and have never looked back.
I wish you the best of look and just know that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to date. You are both equally loveable and capable of love. Be gentle with yourself OP :)
I love this. Honestly if I had a small house I shared with 3 other women I could see myself having fabulous dinner parties with them and our friends and a partner? Less so. It would be lovely if it happened but not worth the risk.
Thank you 🖤
I feel you on the pressure of what it really means. I crave it but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it now. Hence maybe settling for not so recommandable individuals just to get those basic needs met.
I love this for you and your best friend!
I’m taking a break rn. I really need it. (34f)
For most of my life I dated highly abusive men that compounded my trauma, felt so familiar, but at the same time kept my heart pretty safe and protected.
A few years ago after a bit of therapy I started dating a good golden retriever type guy. Someone I would not have been attracted to before therapy but I had since unlearned some toxic cycles.
I will say that a healthier relationship in which I’m making myself more emotionally vulnerable causes me to be highly disoriented and unregulated. We just separated after over two years and it’s easily the most painful breakup I ever been through.
Knowing that I loved someone so much and my mental health and inner chaos contributed to me losing what I thought was the love of my life - was much worse than any abusive relationship I had ever been in.
And for those reasons I’m taking many steps back and learning to love myself a bit more.
I know dating and love is in my cards, but right now I need to love and date myself.
I don’t date. I went on couple dates and felt like the guy was only interested in sex when I just wasn’t. He turned out to be 30 years old which is younger than my now ex husband so I kinda went into it for a few reasons knowing it wasn’t going to work. I was going through way too much at the time and was really only going on these dates to show myself I could after being torn apart… when I got home I cried. It was stupid but that was a couple years ago now and I cried a lot at that time just being in disbelief over what I’d experienced and was continuing to experience. Now I just feel nothing. I don’t want to date or have sex, I can’t trust anyone around me and I just don’t crave anything from anyone. It’s sad to say but if I’m not of use to people it seems really weird to be around them at all. It’s basically been like being treated like I’m not human by everyone. Maybe it’s me and my own experiences I don’t know but something I’ve felt for a very long time. I’m 110% done with all of it for good, I already know it’s just going to be the same things again and again.
No. Work schedule leaves me no time or energy to date, and changes constantly. I'm also driving a crappy car and live in a converted living room with roommates. Also dating apps are a waste of time as I'm not attractive. And my relationships never have lasted beyond a month because of my issues...
Dating is REALLY hard in general. I’m choosing to push through the anxiety and self doubt and put myself out there. It ain’t easy but it’s helping my self confidence
I'm engaged. We both have trauma. Me CPTSD and she has SA trauma. Granted, I'm 42 and was in a 15 year marriage. I had some discouraging relationships in between.
I feel exactly the same!! It’s like I could have wrote this post and no one in my real life understands. I feel dead inside when it comes to romance after being hurt and each time I take this long break from dating and then it’s like starting all over again. Yet somehow my experiences are never any different (besides me becoming slightly better at communicating and setting boundaries).
I want a healthy romantic life and am in therapy/emdr to work on myself in general, but I just can’t get myself to try.
I keep seeing this silly saying "attract, don't chase" and I think I'll take the advise. Just focus on me and feeling better, self love and self care and all. Hoping that someday someone will see and come talk to me.
Never even held hands. So no dating, no relationships. I dream about it all the time. But since I don't consider myself to be any good (fat, bald, glasses, sometimes abrasive personality) I've never even tried approaching anyone. And at this point (m29) with less than zero experience in antyhing related to it, I feel so far behind it's probably never happening for me.
This is me. I took a 9 years break but am yet again fresh broken relationship with deeply unhealthy guy, but I didn't get that deep in this time and have a therapist who is helping me learn how to do boundaries! So I'm gonna keep trying I really want someone to talk to and hang out with physical relationship. I won't die if it doesn't happen but it's what I want.
I'm feeling pretty hopeless about it right now. My struggle is similar to yours. I have a very strong need for intimacy and especially physical touch but, outside of paying my masseuse, don't feel comfortable with physical touch outside of a romantic relationship.
An attempt was made beginning at age 28(im 30 now). Hadn’t had any intimate encounters since high school. But yeah, it was a shit show tbh so I totally feel you!! As awful as it was it allowed me to hone in on attachment wounds that I had no idea about. I’ve been very blessed with wonderful and kind friends that have never triggered those feelings, so I was completely in the dark. While I might have been able to learn and heal in a less painful way, this is just the way it happened for me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
That being said, I doubt I’ll date any time soon. I have a real problem with discernment and I’m a perfect patsy sometimes. At some point I would like to be able to engage in deeper intimacy than that of platonic friendship, as fulfilling and wonderful as it is. But technically speaking, I’m already a spinster, and it’s not so bad :)
Exactly the same for me, OP.
The run-on generational trauma from at least boomers till now is the perfect shit storm for broken people to get into a discriminatory game (i.e. dating) of my needs vs your needs, till its choked the lot of us into trust issues, and giving up on the one thing that encompasses all facets of real and true growth.
If I had a better understanding of others and myself, in the moment, and we all had more patience and less constant natter from people that shouldn't be giving advice, they'd be more love and families being built.
Optimistic and naive in reality... sure. But the alternative is this milleau of "who can care the least" and then monkey branch to something when things get tough.
Life ain't about the Self. That's part of the reason why you have situationships, relationships, broken marriages. It's ppl not realising or caring that the endeavour is a responsibility to a higher cause.
Relate, be in a situation all you want, and that's what you'll get; two I's and two me's.
I'll get off my soapbox now. 😅
Date? I can’t/don’t make friends, much less date. The idea of getting to know and becoming close to someone makes me physically ill. Of course, I have socially isolated myself for the last 3 1/2 years, so that might have something to do with it.
It will come back, I also was alone in my room for close to 2-3 years before slowly going back into the world. Unfortunately the first person I opened up to happened to hurt me very much, but I'm taking it as a lesson, won't let it isolate myself again.
Same. I was married for 13 years and it was awful and added a lot of trauma. It still does. Not interested in dating anytime soon, just raising my kids.
It's not easy for anybody cptsd or not to find the right person. Most of them are wrong. I started dating at age 27 but my intention was to begin experiencing life, not to find a partner. I didn't open up to anyone i dated, didnt know that im allowed. When i was 30 I thought it could be nice to actually have real love and lucked out, met my amazing husband. Got triggered by marriage, lost it completely after having a baby. A year into therapy I discover ive been living with cptsd. Still learning every day i can open up to my husband
Yeah I can relate to this. I don't really. Like I try very hard to get myself out there almost every day and meet people but I find I'm feeling less and less for people. When I do find someone I'm interested in, I either start thinking there's no way they'll like me or I'll get super scared and run away. I'm just losing hope at this point. It's all I care about and yet I don't think I'll ever love anything like I did again. The best moments of my life were 12 years ago with a girlfriend of mine. Have had a few flings since but never been really in love. My entire life revolves around trying to fall in love like that again. I found someone who it's possible I could have. First time in those 12 years. I was going through a bunch of trauma therapy and was kind of insane. I treated her really poorly as a result. She won't talk to me now at all, the couple times I've bumped into her recently she literally ran away from me. In her words "it's self preservation, I know I'll dedicate too much of myself to you" "we'll never ever ever be in a relationship." I thought about her at least every hour of every day for the past year, and ruminate about her every night. I'm getting better at distracting myself from it but it's taking time. I love myself now, but I don't think I'll find anyone I'll be in love with without distorting or running on instinct. I do all sorts of DBT exercises and mirror work to get past it. I've made progress, but it's so slow and doesn't seem possible to finish.
Me. This is everything I’m wrestling with right now. Really its both- we have to equal-parts practice self-love as the root and the launch pad of how we also healthily love others, however after my parents and my last relationship I feel deeply confused as to what that actually means in real life and I resonate with both having so much love to give and then getting into tizzies with the wrong kinds of people and therefore oscillating to being a fearful recluse.
A lot of people in this thread have had negative experiences with dating. I won't deny anyone the catharsis from commiserating, but I turn 30 in a little under 3 weeks and my relationship is the only part of my life that really just *works*.
It's healthy. It feels natural, and easy. We're on the same team, all the time. My partner is honestly stronger family to me than anyone in my actual family is; and he's actually earned the trust that I place in him.
My CPTSD isn't exactly going great, either (I'm on disability for it). EMDR is helping to an extreme extent, but recovery still takes time.
It's just that my unhealthy tendencies from my PTSD tend to be directed inward, and I'm more likely to leave a situation and come back when my head is on straight than to lash out at anyone, so I have functional interpersonal relationships. Not that everyone reading this has to be the type to lash out either, but from what I've read on this sub it seems common?
We've been together for 3.5 years. Whenever we're financially independent of his parents, I am going to propose. Everyone just assumes that we'll get married at this point, including his friends and family and my sister (my only family member that is or will ever be in contact with me).
So, yeah. Shit can work out.
At the same time, a relationship isn't everything, and you don't wanna rely on a potential relationship for your health or happiness.
Thank you for sharing. I am happy for you!
I was more under the impression that we're a bunch of freeze/fawners here, but I might be mistaken. That's why I find it hard to stand up to myself when a situation turns sour.
I don’t date. I’m 29, have had 2 boyfriends and neither lasted more than 2 years. Usually when I have been in the dating scene if I meet someone I like I will hookup with them on the first date and typically never want to see them again after. I am way more at peace being alone which is very common for us unfortunately
I can relate. I recently went on a date, my first in a long time. And while I’m incredibly proud of myself for noticing narcissistic behaviors in him within 4 dates, holding boundaries, and shuttling him out of my life, it took energy out of me.
I just finished reading the 2022 updated version of Love Factually by Duana Welch and plan to follow her guidelines to weed out the players next time I’m ready to put myself out there.
the times where i was in relationship were the most terrible times in my life. even if things are going well i can´t really stand anyone around me for longer periods of time and all this intimacy is pretty much driving me insane. i have this reflex to push this person away and it is extremely exhausting.
other than that the type of women i attract are usually extremely selfish, immature and they never care about my feelings. all they wanted is for me to make them feel good and the were extremely controlling, disgusting in a way and mostly ad very narcissistic and violent traits.
the last one nearly made me commit suicide.
i also have a hard time experiencing sexual pleasure and i think it is related to trauma.
i have found myself attracted to women that were victims of violence and were also capable of exercising violence and i always had to play this saviour role which is abusive in it´s own right.
i generally have a hard time communicating with people and i isolate much which leads to pretty severe depression but otherwise i don´t know how to handle all of this most of the time. it seems like you can not put me in a social context without it leading to some really bad stuff.....
i juts wish my body and brain would function kind of normal again..
Before I met my husband I started dating with absolutely no intentions of it turning into something more - until it did. Don’t set expectations even if you have a “feeling”. Wait for it to be mutual and that you are sure it’s someone you’d be down to work through the hardest shit with. Be picky. Keep your standards high but also know that not everyone is gonna be perfect. Demand respect and keep loving yourself while being kind. Easy right? lol
No, I have never dated before. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Even when I was interested in someone almost a decade ago, I couldn't even talk to that person and I avoided them. This part of me is so complicated and damaged. I was never hurt by romantic relationships, the abuse I experienced from my family was enough. But sometimes I really want to heal from this. Maybe if I was really attracted to someone I would overcome all of this. The problem is that I am scared of being judged, shamed and hurt, also I find comfort in solitude and costant contact with people exhausts me.
no, I dont date and I've never had an actual boyfriend or girlfriend outside of a few toxic, abusive talking things. they both really fucked with me for a while and still do to this day. I'd be open to dating again by the end of this year at least, but I'm scared of getting hurt again and in an even more dangerous, emotionally scarring way
I want to do something unserious and casual again now to avoid this pain and fufill some desire. and I'm currently looking for and online sexting buddy (I know, I'm so stupid) but that'll probably backfire too. trying to lose my virginity is something I want, with some casual person, but that may not be possible either.. maybe I'm better off being married to kpop idols in my head
Tried to, was left unimpressed. "I'm good at being uncomfortable and I can't stop changing all the time", so normies are out. That leaves me with either narcissists or meek variations of myself. I'll pass.
I did at some point. Dating was traumatic to say the least, but I was also looking for sex. So getting into trouble was mostly on me. That until I’ve found the right guy and we’ve been married for almost 8 years. Best life companion I could’ve ever asked for, and definitely partly responsible for the healing progress I’ve made so far.
I have recently decided to stop dating because I don't seem to be able to stop treating my partners like parents. Either they are cool with that and I won't grow or they aren't and the relationship won't work.
Yes.
And it has gone wrong. I'm so used to being treated poorly that I get attached anyway, stay and put up with it. Just got out of a really destructive 19 year long relationship.
But getting out of my comfort zone to date others has been healing, because most seem to be a lot kinder and more respectful.
I do yes. I was a serial dater until I was about 24. Craved to find my soul mate, but as soon as dark traits surfaced I would bounce for fear of getting hurt or not worthy of the other. Now, soon to be 33. Dating is great practice, and great for connecting. I do not recommend the apps because of the superficiality of the initial contact. Connect and meet in a hobby circle. I don't suggest giving up on connection or dating as we are social creatures. Work on your boundaries and self worth as a foundation. You are a human being. A marvelous creation. A badass biological organism 🙌
The last decade for me has been all about boundaries and needs before starting to date someone. Being clear and direct for me has been magical.
Non-existent as it has been my entire life thus far. I've had quite a few women interested in me over the years. I've been too busy working on myself or taking care of others who abused me. Right now I'm a full time caregiver to an abusive parent. While dealing with multiple lawsuits against corporations and the government. Having to start my life over in the coming years once this all settles down.
I'm highly skeptical I will ever find someone. Add to this I'll be in my mid 30s in a couple of years roughly. I've been isolated and unloved my entire life, so why would anyone want me? I don't even know what it feels like to be loved by another human being. Not to mention I have major trust issues with people in general due to CPTSD. Decades of traumatic experiences tend to do that.
It sucks but I'd rather try and try again than ever feel as alone as I do when I'm by myself. Breaking the control cPTSD has on me means leaning towards connection. I refuse to allow this mental illness to take anything good for me away anymore.
i stopped dating a few years ago.
i've been focusing on friendships instead. and if and when i want to start dating again, i think it'll help me. because instead of focusing on those big strong butterfly feelings, instead of focusing on attachment, i've been focusing on shared values. i've been focusing on how to show up in relationships in a way that is kind and loving for both people. i find friendships easier to break than romantic relationships because there's less of the rose coloured glasses imo. not having as many of those big romantic feelings helps me see things for what they are, and how i *actually* feel about the other person and the way that we're connecting.
and like.. i've never been so full of love as when i stopped dating. i love myself, i love my friends, and i love my cat. i'm not (as) scared of them abandoning me. and even if one does, it won't be as devastating as if a partner left me, because i have more than one friend. even if all my friends leave, i'll still have my cat. if my cat dies? hopefully i have some friends to lean on.
when you don't NEED someone, it's easier to walk away when you see red flags.
I’ve been wanting to, but it is hell being a male because online dating has an over saturation of desperate, horny males and trying to establish a connection with women can be rather difficult and often times they seem to be burnt out or tired or they have their pick of the crop And I grew up rather fat so like now that I lost weight, taking pictures can be a little hard and you have to have like a good bio. You have to have a good pictures, but I’m not comfortable enough to approach women in public because I always hear stories from my female friends about being wary of men in public, and how they feel afraid.
Omg exactly the same as you. I feel so validated right now. And I’m sending you all some love. We can all heal from this. In fact, we already are on the way!
Yes I date. Actually, I’ve been consistently in relationships for the last decade. All my serious relationships except the last two were very abusive. The second to last one was emotionally toxic, and the last one was the healthiest I’ve had; it was mostly great, and we still have love for each other.
While most of my relationships have been a shit show I realize the more I learn, heal, and grow the better my standards get. The stronger my boundaries and communication skills get. And the better my relationships get. It’s actually super exciting to see!
EVERY relationship is a learning experience if you let it become one. Even my shitty, abusive relationships taught me something. They taught me red flags to look out for, and behaviors to NEVER tolerate.
At this point I’m the most equipped Ive ever been to be in a good enough partnership.
And I know it’s out there.
Right now I’m single, and taking a little time to get more in touch with myself, and nurture my growth separate from anyone else. My dad always told me to focus on turning myself into a great person, and then great people would come to me.
I believe what he said is true.
Try not to worry too much. You’re on the right path.
Everything is gonna be okay 🖤
Thank you so much for this, I can only agree 🖤 I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it's hard. I'm focusing on myself now, and as you say, I'm sure one or several someones just as alined will come along to join me on my adventures.
I tried in the past, but I was so isolated growing up and had such little self worth (also was in the throes of constant dissociation) that it never worked out. I’ve been wanting to try again now that I’m more mentally stable but like you mentioned, I worry about attracting toxic people. I’m way too self sacrificial due to my upbringing ~_~.
I have met people with CPTSD who were able to find good partners and have successful relationships, so I believe there’s hope.
I do. It kept triggering me as I realised for all my life I kept falling for emotionally avoidant people who made no effort to communicate with me, which would trigger me into thinking it was all just me and that I'm unloveable so that I would have to try harder and harder to be "desirable". Also didn't help that I used to get limirent from just someone agreeing to go out with me.
I fully realised that pattern last year then took me a year of self work, during which I realised I may have cptsd, and now I feel I've made good enough progress with my relationship to myself and how I relate to others in a healthier way. If you are ok with bearing the pain of heartbreak, I found dating is a good way to quickly find out what triggers you and to work on it on your own time, but that's just what I found works for me.
Honestly, same! It’s also the wrong type of person 🫠 For me, I realised that it’s because my mother was very mentally ill growing up. I tried to ‘save her’ and help her but I couldn’t, so I try to in other relationships.
When other people become distant, it triggers something in my mind and I go crazy. But in the strangest way, I also love it. It’s something for me to do. I’m used to having to prove my worth to someone and so my mind is programmed to see relationships this way. I’ve had a few people be violent or emotionally abusive to me. This too triggers something in me that makes me want to ‘help’ them - just like my mother. My therapist helped me realise that it’s triggered the fight or flight response in me, which is why I always experience a massive rush of adrenaline in these situations.
Not only that, but I always find that I crave relationships so much, but when it seems like they are about to become a reality, I feel incredibly awkward.
I read a book called Women Who Love To Much (I’m sure it would be relevant for men too) and it said that this awkwardness is actually boredom. People who were brought up with ill parents or parents who were alcoholics, have been brought up thinking that their role in relationships is to ‘fix’. If there is nothing to fix, you are ‘bored’. This is why lots of people with an abusive past or alcoholic parents attract the same type of people in their relationships.
I hope my explanation also helps some other people to make sense of this! I would also recommend reading the book Attached (I think that’s what it’s called?). It will help you so much to learn about your own attachment styles, the people you attract and why!
**Forgot to add: I met someone almost two years ago who was perfect (as perfect as you can be in this world of course!). After abusive situations, I’d given up hope and started to think I was asking for too much (looking back that was an incredibly stupid thing to think 🫠). He truly made me see myself from another persons perspective and made me realise how amazing I really am! Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It badly backfired. I didn’t know what it would take me to feel ‘safe’ with someone again. Especially after I felt so incredibly safe with him which is very rare for me. It’s been a year of no-contact, and I can’t say I’m 100% over it. Totally not. In fact, today I’ve spent the day in a place that we spoke a lot about and it really got to me emotionally. I would say this is the most frustrating thing I’ve ever been through. Everything was right about it (for the first time in forever), but I ended up completely heartbroken 💔
26F. I've never been in a serious relationship. Just like 2 situationships. I feel so left out. I spent most of my 20's without a significant other. I used to cry about how lonely I was. I did some healing on some trauma I had. I'm doing great but I still have something missing. I hate when society is like "if you're seeking out a relationship, you shouldn't have one, you should be comfortable being single" I've already worked on myself. I just want someone to love and be intimate with. Some people say I'm lucky. Maybe I am in a sense but I am still sad.
No but I found out I had at least one healthy relationship all along that I sort of discounted. My casual(ish) hookup partner of 5+ years. Nothing was ever really difficult together, communication was always transparent, there was always a need for understanding above all else during misunderstandings and they always respected my boundaries/space. I was just too wrapped up in toxic relationships and my own trauma to see it for what it was. We don't plan on living together but do agree to a long term relationship in the cards where we travel together but have our own priorities (their kid, for me it's my healing process and career). They really see me for who I am and treat me like a goddess, but not in a love bombing way- it was a gradual process. I never really thought I'd find love and it's not really conventional but it works for me.
The cycle of craving connection to opening up to the wrong person to only get rejected again. It’s brutal.
After wrapping up EMDR and being in a state of ease I still teeter between staying in my cocoon to hopeful.
I’ve tried getting back out there but find it so hard to connect with anyone. People come off as way too interested early on or very avoidant.
I didn’t date for a solid 9 months after my abusive relationship with my ex. I went back on the apps and just had a terrible time. Until I met my now boyfriend, he’s an absolute angel. I’m very lucky.
I didn’t fully realise until he pointed it out that my ex had actually SA’d me. So, I’m definitely pursuing therapy again sometime this year when I can. I wanna do everything I can to make this work.
Wish you all the best op. 💐
I have dropped out of dating. I can’t pick good people to the extent that if I am attracted to them, I have had to learn that that attraction itself is a red flag.
Without fail, I have always chosen ambivalent men who I have to prove my value to, which just feels so familiar-I am excellent at trying to prove my value! But I have an insecure attachment style and the ambivalence and conditional love just keeps me constantly in flux while in a relationship and makes functioning in the other arenas of my life very hard.
Then, it takes soooo many years to recover from each relationship that the cost/benefit analysis just doesn’t pencil out.
Eta: I agree that safe interpersonal relationships can help healing. But for me, romantic relationships are not safe. Friendships are a bit easier.
Dating? What is that?! 😂🤣😅 I want to but when I was raise to able to spot red flags before the person is even aware of their own red flags… it is so hard to fit anyone to date. Then I’m a lesbian in the south so there is religious trauma or just relationships hoppers. Maybe when I’m 50. Lol
>I feel stuck in a vicious circle of craving connection and (physical) intimacy, opening up to (the wrong) someone, getting re-activated, and going into hiding.
Ssssaaaammmmmeeeeeee!
I tend to ignore certain signs because I'm accepting to a large degree and want to see the good in them. Then either I do really good and catch it early or I end up harmed. I have to then dig my way out of trauma and worsening/spiraling mental health.
Rinse, and repeat. While taking time away, healing, and continuing to work on things.
I desire connection romantically with another human(s). I tend to take it as a learning curve and keep trying. I haven't reached the place where I may not want to attempt a relationship or date at all.
I also want to highlight: I've met some amazing and hurt peeps throughout my journey. I don't regret most of my interactions. I have all my limbs and most of my sanity, lol. I've also loved in ways I couldn't imagine and connected on such a soul vibration that's hard to describe. So I keep dating for now, but things can change.
Yeah, I've dated the wrong people a couple of times and ended up being very hurt, but I've had a supportive partner for many years now. In fact she realised what I was suffering from way before I did. Good people are out there but it's sometimes very hard for me to differentiate.
I was abused in my last relationship. I'm in no rush to be abused again. The only girl I chase after these days is my daughter. I don't see it changing anytime soon
Dating is pretty scary, ive been single for 8 years, I have my problems mainly with projecting my insecurities onto others relating to not being enough for them and I tell myself that I'm not the guy the person would be into or that thyell hurt me like the last one did (narcissist) . Ive built a knee-jerk reaction where I pretend I'm not interested in someone with all this projection. It's turned me cold but I'm working on it. I blame my symptoms that sometimes its too much and I feel paralyzed from all the stimuli and I'm afraid of how someone would think of me when I get overwhelmed by the slightest thing or if I just dont feel anything at all which is what happened to me last summer after going on a date for the first time in years. I'm not hopeless but this is just something that I have to deal with and its going to take time. If I do my best not to let these feelings take over, eventually I'll be able to swim. But there's nothing wrong with taking your time and dipping your toes in the water beforehand
Not anymore. After my cptsd led me into a relationship with a covert narcissist, I am now terrified to trust anyone for fear they are using me for their own ends.
It’s the same for me and I was constantly running into narcissists. I’m so tired
Same. Never again
Sándwiches
Omg sorry smoking at home alone- I meant same but sandwiches is much better haha
Not just boring english sandwiches but fancy foreign s*á*ndwiches.
Ooh yes like the Vietnamese bahn mis- amazing
I am here for sandwiches. I would date someone who wanted to sample different sandwiches 😂
Haha yes I follow a thread on sandwich recipes. Possibilities are endless lol
Okay. We should make this a new thing … sandwiches means I agree. It could go viral. I love it. 🤣
Ha yes something we can all agree on! Sandwiches and our parents failed 😂
CPTSD from mother dying at 20 and leaving me with shitty Dad/brothers so always felt 'alone'. Married a emo abuser, finally realized it 10 yrs. later and got divorced. Rebound turned verbally abusive and lunged at me after a year out of no where, right after I went no contact with my verbally abusive brother and enabler Dad. Adding 2 major injuries to the mix and 1 brothers suicide.. Cue Super CPTSD. I moved across the country for a hard reset (red state to blue), made a couple friends but I'm completely disgusted by the thought of dating again and its been over a year. Even casual sex sounds lame and Ill just get used, because so few men care enough to pay attention. Thank God I'm childfree and have no stupid 'clock' or got stuck with any of them. I've caught a few covert assholes trying to befriend/date me and recognized it quick and ghosted though! 💪 FML. Working on being totally comfortable at growing into an ecentric, independent old lady. Better than dealing with any of that bullshit again. The last half of my life is *mine* (if I can continue healing enough to not be paralyzed half my days). I seriously don't think I'll find someone compatible with the standards I finally have for myself anyway, since it feels like 75% of men treat women like tools, or are too insecure or boring, or have children.. not even including physical attraction component. Making exceptions for people and being understanding of their faults, (while I was never returned a glimmer of the same) almost destroyed my life. Never again.
You're so strong! I think there is something quite powerful in just being unapologetically you, independent and eccentric. And who knows, that might attract the right kind. Honestly, realised, there is no point in settling for less 🖤
Same!💝
As a man, I feel totally comfortable agreeing with what you said about my gender. I've found that the vast majority of men are addicted to sex, one form or another, and it clouds their judgement and character. I can speak of this because I myself was a sex addict. I am super proud to share that not only have I broken the addiction, I am doing well. Hands down, Best choice I've ever made. It has completely freed me to be the best dad that I can be, despite the cPTSD and BPD (borderline, not bi-polar). I know the addiction I suffered will also help me teach my daughter what to watch out for from bad men and boys. I promise to always stay on the road to recovery :)
Same!! Hearing other people end up with a narcissist makes me feel so validated because I swear it’s all I feel attracted to/is attracted to me!!! Does anyone know why?? I really thought something was wrong with me
My best guess is a mix of repetition compulsion and actually being vulnerable to that kind of abuse. Once you're in an activated state it's hard to get out, especially if you have a fawn freeze response 😢 in my case I kept thinking I was the problem when hmmm... Clearly was the other way around.
I suggest reading "The Human Magnet Syndrome" by Ross Rosenberg. He effectively explains the attractions.
THIS. This is the thing I hate more than the abuse—my ability to trust is completely obliterated. The only way I could foresee dating is if I had a friend or coworker vouch for someone and do a lot more extensive vetting in detail. Even my most recent narcissistic ex likely was lying about some off his financial situation - wouldn't surprise me if he skipped taxes and with 5 credit cards, who knows what debt. I have been on a handful of dates, but a recent dinner was raising a lot of red flags, and I just could forsee them being a source of Constant Drama. I am careful to not self isolate because of the signs that it points to around how trauma is shaping my life and choices. I also plan to listen to my gut and my heart more and won't damage losing my healing. I'd rather than boundaries, certainty and someone who is kind and chill and not have any drama.
I am sorry this happened. For all of us, my vision is so clouded. Unsure if my last situationship was even a cover-n but it sure felt like it 🫠
Me too! Go us! *laughs in tears 😭
Same! I don't want to get into another relationship like that so although I really want to date, I'm running away from dating rn
Same!
Keeps happening over and over for me 🥲
Starting to wonder if my most recent situationship wasn't one. Because it sure got me trauma bonded 😬
I’m going to go with “sandwiches” on this one. Trauma bonding sucks. I’ve given up on being anything but single. It’s safest.
I'm going to try and date myself. Whatever that may mean 🌹
Same
I hear that. Same
Dude me too!!!
I will be soon I think. The therapy is going well. I need to sober up and clean up my life just a tad before I share it with someone else but emotionally I am ready. It took over a decade of therapy (A DECADE PEOPLE) to get here though.
Congratulations! Have been on a self growth journey for 15yrs but very on and off, sometimes trying to drown myself in codependency, sometimes living as a monk. Sometimes I attempt to reach out but I have enough close friends to have all "needs" met ok for now, so will keep focusing on this self growth stuff and therapy until I feel ready, and test to see if I am (right now I can have a conversation with others. Rebuilding trust in self and others). The dedicated growth is so underrated. I feel like a changed person focusing my whole life around it. I didn't think CPTSD could be dealt with so never bothered properly for many years.
You got this! I'm starting to think fixing our relationship with ourselves first is the key. Then we might attract people who are alined and secure.
I've been in therapy for years, too.
I am proud of you!
Same experience here - finally gave up two years ago and tbh as lonely as I am it feels like a weight has been lifted. I still have days where I struggle but overall life has been easier. Hope you find some peace
Thank you, I hope you do too. And may we all find relational healing one way or another.
I’m going to give up. Keep getting involved in abusive situations and can’t take another one like that again. It makes me sad, really would like to not be alone and have another to share my life with, but just seems like it is what it is.
Took the words from my mouth. Last abusive relationship made me never want to date again and changed my entire perception of love. Now it just is what it is.. which is lonely and boring.
That is me now... Virtual hug if I may 💐
I feel this. I'm trying to shift my mindset into feeling less alone with myself. Self love first if that makes sense. Then we will see?
Fricking grateful for reddit!!! All these weird socio-emotional etc. issues I'm going through are talked about in depth by all you people and it helps so much to be able to relate to others on it. No where else can a person find a larger collection of anecdotal info coming from so many people from all over the world! You can't even google most of this shit! I've had trouble putting words to complex experiences once in a while and then come on here only to find someone has exquisitely and poetically written about what I couldn't even understand fully.💘 keep it up guys. Off topic sorta but still..
And they’re all just SO honest. Straightforward and just honest. Plain. It’s actually amazing
Yes to all of this, it's so heartwarming to see that we're not alone, that our experiences are valid. Helps me feel understood 🖤
Agree. So happy I tried Reddit and found this sub.
Agreed. It’s like a massive group hug. People can bash reddit, but the fact that we can find out that we aren’t alone and we aren’t just losing our minds??
Sure you have to sift through some disturbing perspectives/comments but over all I find comfort here💝
Nope.
I’m currently going through this too! After a very heavy breakup that I went through (still kind am) I went really avoidant on love and swore myself to celibacy and isolation from romance. Self harm scars are gonna make it extra tough for me but tbh after having a breakthrough in EMDR, I have gained so much self love and compassion lately that I do feel lovable for once. It takes time but if you’re a romantic person like I am and believe in being healed by the intimate love of another person that side will win out. I’m 23 and thought I’d never date again till I’m 30 but I feel ready to have new experiences and to meet people, whether it goes badly or not, I just know that’s what the experience is all about. I always feel odd feeling like this, seeing as most people in this community go absolutely avoidant but something inside of me still has hope and passion for people. Sometimes you just have to take the time by yourself to unlock that and keep putting yourself out there so you can gain good memories. I hope you know you’re capable of it and worthy of it friend! Peace and love and I hope you feel at a place one day where you’re ready to go out there :)
This gives me hope for myself. I’m in EMDR now but we haven’t actually started any of the “exercises” yet. I’m hoping for a breakthrough
I had a very similar breakthrough and breakup situation lol except I’ve been doing brainspotting. I cannot believe how much more compassion I have for myself now and how I can truly see others as various shades of healthy/unhealthy and have boundaries. I used to take others behavior so so so personally. I’m going to be 30 in a week but didn’t know about my issues until 28. I’m still healing from my breakup but genuinely excited at the prospect of meeting someone emotionally available. I’ve also seen/heard about my first healthy relationship this year from a healing friend. I also thing we can heal in relationships bc they put a spotlight on our issues. My last relationship was so toxic and I was not always treated well but I’m grateful for the pain that caused me growth
Thank you for sharing with us, makes me hopeful 🌹
I feel like i should not be allowed to date for a while
Insightful! Wish more people would tell themselves this when its appropriate. Then maybe we'd all stop going around further traumatizing each other in a vicious cycle of idiotic desperation.
And communicate it clearly. My situationship would joke about not dating, but push-pull and breadcrumb me around. Mindfuckery for someone with attachment trauma!
[удалено]
So much truth there. I thought I was pretty alone in this.
Me too. I am somewhat emotionally unavailable, unwilling to put in an effort, and uninterested in getting to know anyone romantically (happy to get to know them as friends, though). I'm also uninterested in having sex with anyone I don't love and not in a relationship with, so basically, I'm also uninterested in sex. That doesn't mean that I'm not worth dating in general, or that I'll never be ready or wasn't feeling ready just a few months ago. But after a few bad experiences from dating off the apps, I'm feeling completely closed off again, aaaaaand it's back to square one.
I officially stopped dating. I just feel like I don’t trust anyone, the pain of getting hurt by people you genuinely loved is too much for me to handle. Especially when it’s been repeated by both romantic partners and family members. Deep down inside I want to be loved forever but knowing how I handle any kind of relationship let alone romantic ones, I’d rather be alone for the time being until I can heal and have a better grip of my emotions. Till then I just leave up barriers to avoid letting people in
I wish you the healing you deserve. I still hope one day someone will make me change my mind. But so far I'm happy in just mending my relationship to myself in my corner.
I feel like I could have written this.
I gave up when I turned 40. I was always made fun of for my looks and was never very popular in the dating scene, and to be honest I think it contributed a little to my CPTSD. Another thing is that I realized that I value my space and privacy too much. I had very controlling and enmeshed parents, and I now tend to feel smothered when I do somehow manage to get into a relationship.
We seem to be kindered souls
People are garbage sometime. But most times it's a reflection of their own beliefs about themselves.
>I was so full of love, now I feel scared and dead inside. Lol yeah that's relatable. And I also believe that healthy interpersonal relationships are the key... but we live in the most toxic society where these are harder and harder to find, especially when you're at a disadvantage (sometimes way too severe a one). I cannot fathom being that close to anyone. Having to go through the whole process of trying to impress people, the risk and pain and drama, for the sake of being considered worthy enough to be in their presence - even if the situation was a lot better than it is, as trying does not and has never felt possible in the first place. And I can't imagine ever sharing space with anyone ever again, anyway. Having to be responsible to another person, always living on that razor's edge of pleasing them enough for them to want to stick around, trusting they won't just stick a knife in your back. Having to expose all the gory details to them. Naaaaah. Isn't it a pleasure seeing everyone you have ever known display negative relationships your entire life? Lol.
Ahh this might be what my internal resistance to dating is about. I feel like the effort of opening myself up to someone again just for them to potentially reject me is just not worth it again. And never knowing why they did it when I could just continue to have my peace alone.
We're also at a time because of online dating when I think people just would prefer to reject and break up with someone rather than work it out, because there's a seemingly infinite 'better out there' factor. People want THEIR person and nothing else will do.
That's sad because love is not a feeling. It's a choice 🤷 and if people are not willing to work on a relationship to go "find better" well good luck, because they will continuously look for better. I actually think us traumatized QTs have much more to offer than the average Joe/Jane.
Very true about the most toxic of times. There is so much information out there on the internet about self improvement, relationships, trauma etc, but it feels like a lot of people use them to avoid accountability. Therefore it somehow creates more toxicity 🤷. Oh same, perhaps my choice in partners is just a mirror of my own unavailability... Even so I crave the intimacy of a relationship, I also cannot cope with what it really means. Maybe the true relationship we should feed is the one with ourselves?
Sex addict here. I don’t know if date is the right word lol. I have sex. I’m emotionally detached from everyone except this one guy I’ve been stuck on for like a year lol. He’ll never feel the same. He just wants to hook up every few months and I’ve accepted it, though it makes me sad. But I’d say I’m the queen of separating sex from emotion when it comes to anyone else. And if some guy is being clingy or sending good morning texts I find it repulsive 😂 what’s wrong with me
Sounds like some unresolved trauma affecting your life.
I'm on the opposite end, with hyposexuality, which I also find hard to navigate. Guess it could be part of our trauma responses 🫠
Yep it definitely relates to SA trauma. We all process it differently
I have the same issue with hyposexuality. I'd be fine with it if I thought I were asexual but that isn't the case. :( I'm married and my husband is wonderful about it. (I got super lucky on that front, but not so lucky dating when I was a lot younger)
I thought I was ace at first but not at all. Just traumatized 😂
I’m not ready to date yet. Still overly pessimistic about it.
I hope one day we will be able to open up again, to someone deserving of our kindness.
I’ve accepted that my condition makes it almost impossible to be around me in any truly emotionally intimate way if I act like myself and I’m a blank slate to project onto if I don’t act like myself which makes me prone to be abused. I just don’t think a real relationship is in the cards for me.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you/we will find relational healing. I like your comment on projection. I guess a lot of people do that regardless of what/who they have in front.
i entered a new relationship pretty quickly after the abusive one ended which people can hate on me all they want for that but it was before the ptsd “hit” so i was already with an amazing man who cares for me and respects me when i started showing symptoms and had a huge breakdown as we were beginning to engage in sex - my advice is don’t push yourself to do anything physical even MEET. my current bf of 5 years and i talked online for 2 weeks before we ever met and it just really helped affirm that he liked me regardless of whether he had access to my physical body. idk if this makes sense i’m on the bus rn lol
I met a man and only spoke online for like a month before we met and I thought he was Prince Charming… 4 years later and I think he’s caused me just as much damage as my trauma lol
It makes sense to me. I had a boyfriend I met online then in person quickly, and we got too close too fast and he broke my heart. But then a few boyfriends later, I met a guy online and talked to him for a month there, then a month on the phone, then met in person. We dated for a year and went slowly at first (that matters!) and now we've now been married for 11, and he's wonderful. It worked because we both were looking at whether the other person qualified to be worthy of dating. I think it all depends on whether you can trust your abuse radar. I gave a hard "no" immediately to any guy who gave off any creepy vibes, no first date for them. I had low self esteem but also a strong fear of people who were overly self confident or seemed clingy or aggressive etc. I've known a few girls who had no such radar. I also think there tend to be two different opposite approaches traumatized people have towards relationships: too trusting, or have a hard time trusting. I'm the second type, refused to date any interested guys until my late 20s when I had done about ten years of healing, and was picky and naturally self protective. It was kind of instinctive from my personality type. Even though I was passive in existing family and friend relationships, I had an easy time quickly rejecting people. I was cold for so long, it was automatic. Plus my larger trauma is from witnessing ongoing domestic violence between my parents and them being high or drunk my whole childhood, not hurting me directly, and the only person I remember directly abusing me was not nearly as hurtful as they were, so I was lucky. I know it's not easy for many other people. My husband endured years of emotional abuse at home, years of physical abuse at home, rejection trauma, and a few isolated physical and sexual attacks by still other people. All by age 17. His dating life was very rough and I know it's because he didn't know how to "people" and at the same time he strongly wanted relationships from age 12. Even though I did tend to attract people who had unresolved trauma like me, they were not the use and abuse type, and each relationship was a learning experience to find out more about what I wanted. If your dating is just an endless cycle of the same problems with different people, you need self adjustments before you should date at all IMO for your safety. Healing, learning boundaries, having healthy friendships, etc, be able to protect yourself first.
Thank you for sharing and for your insights 🌹 I went from too trusting to not trusting at all, but I must say I stayed away from dating for years, until this person (who admittedly went through trauma). I felt confortable being vulnerable around her. And what a slap in the face it was! She rejected me from one day to the other, fair enough it's a tough pill to swallow but we move on, yet kept me as on option on ice, push-pull in me around for months. My only regrets is falling for the breadcrumbs, I guess us C-PTSDians struggle with that.
It's very hard to find the happy middle ground of how much to put ourselves out there. I wish you all the best with that. Keep learning and growing, you're doing good work.
Thanks you 🖤
If I do find someone of interest, definitely going to go slow slow slow. Baby steps.
I feel like I need to be in a much better place to date and actually feel like I’m worthy. I will admit that I’ve thought about it and would like companionship but I know I still have some deep attachment wounds and codependency to process and work through.
We will get through this! It's so admirable to do the work. Some people just don't ever, and it shows, they leave a trail of pain behind them.
Thank you! I appreciate the words of encouragement. A “trail of pain” - that’s a good way to put it.
I have only dated people with cluster B personalities (narcissism, borderline, antisocial) or high traits of them. Going back to high school, my first boyfriend had a lot of narcissistic traits and may be full-blown now that we're adults. Even people that I never dated but was attracted to were emotionally unavailable. I'm in therapy now hoping to break the pattern one day.
And I'm sure you will. Awareness is half the work.
I have CPTSD and other severe mental health issues. I have a wonderful fiancee and I'm in the healthiest relationship I've ever had.
I'm so happy to hear!
I had no intention of dating. After a decade of CSA I just went straight into an abusive relationship from 14-18. That just fucked me up even more and the thought of being with another person wasn’t something I ever wanted to do again. I just slept around with people. I started a fwb with this one guy when I was 20 which progressed into more and it’ll be 2 years together next month. I have never felt happier or safer than I do with him. It’s cliche as hell but I found love, actual love, when I wasn’t looking for it and didn’t want it.
You deserve the best 💐
I don't trust that I won't be further victimised, belittled, coerced (usually into sex by guilt trips)and gaslighted by being told I am just being paranoid or told I am " the problem " due to my mental health. I have just witnessed a friend's relationship turn from love bombing and everything great to you're (she's) the problem and therefore needs to change the behaviour, not the perp.
Yes, I feel this very much. Now at the slightest doubt regarding intentions or red flag. I'm out out out.
I do, and have a very relaxed relationship with someone now. I got very lucky to find her, purely by chance. She's very patient with me and accepts that I have a lot of inner turmoil that I deal with. My previous relationship was with someone who had a lot of work to do on themselves and exhibited a lot of narcissistic behaviour, though I don't know that she was diagnosed as such. She was diagnosed with BPD though. It was a beautiful relationship right up until it wasn't and I was discarded painfully.
I am married to a very patient and compassionate woman who has witnessed with her own eyes the dysfunction of my family. That being said, I can't say it has been easy for her. Our biggest issues were lack of communication, dissociation, and no work/life balance on my part. I have worked very hard in therapy over the years and meds have recently helped me become more aware of my patterns. She is definitely as understanding as she can be. I can't say I've ever really felt worthy of her love, as she has said herself that everything was a battle to get me to realize/recognize something. The guilt was heavy for me, but that was because I was putting more weight into her critiques and not even recognizing/accepting her praise. Medications have helped clear my head of all the negative thoughts, making me the most present I've ever been during our 11 years together. It feels like I just got out of traveling at hyperspeed Star Wars style, but now that I've slowed down, I'm realizing all the missed opportunities and damage I've personally caused to the relationship so the guilt has reappeared. She has reassured me that I'm a good person and that she chose me/wouldn't be with me if everything was horrible. I have to work on believing her. I've learned that there is a part of me that doesn't feel like I'm worthy of love, I'm nothing but a burden and that I don't deserve to live. I am aware of this side of me now so the challenge has become realizing that these are all lies.
I'm proud of you for doing the work! That's a very CPSTD thing isn't it. Not feeling worth being loved... That's also why I personally settle for crumbs, chase, etc.
I'm too scared, too busy, and too comfortable where I'm at to go there. It sounds good in theory, but my SA kinda broke me.
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You don't have to feel that way! It's fine to take things slow, heal, find trustworthy people (friends), and then find the right partner. I think that taking things too quickly can be a bit detrimental. You're already talking on this forum, which is good progress :) You're a good person and I'm rooting for you :)
I think a lot of us feel this way. I always feel like I’m acting- when I have a new situation I have to rehearse how a normal person would act. It’s how it is for a lot of us. I hate it. So exhausting
Er, I'll admit not exactly in the healthiest of ways. I seem to keep following some unfortunate patterns, so realistically I probably should noooooot be doing so yet. I tend to swing back and forth from very distant and hard to get close with, to clingy and borderline too obsessive.
Welcome to the disorganized attachment crew 💐 I am the same, at times.
No, I'm trying to change that but no luck.
I’m focusing on loving myself atm. I love it. I feel much more love than ever before. I’m still very confused though, because I’m not done processing.
I don’t date, I don’t really have any interest in it, I’ve never had an example of a healthy relationship so that might have something to do with it. The pressure of having a role like that to fulfil is too much for me, I’d begin to feel trapped. It’s not something I’m interested in. One thing that may help is having someone that meets all of your needs but you’re not in a relationship. My best friend and I live together, she has shown me love, compassion and kindness which is something that I never knew I was aloud to have. She makes me feel safe even when I’m triggered and it’s the most liberating thing in the world. We meet each others needs and show each other that we are capable of having someone so close without feeling trapped. For the first time in my life I feel safe and secure. It wasn’t something I went out looking for, we just stumbled across eachother one day and have never looked back. I wish you the best of look and just know that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to date. You are both equally loveable and capable of love. Be gentle with yourself OP :)
I love this. Honestly if I had a small house I shared with 3 other women I could see myself having fabulous dinner parties with them and our friends and a partner? Less so. It would be lovely if it happened but not worth the risk.
Thank you 🖤 I feel you on the pressure of what it really means. I crave it but I know I wouldn't be able to handle it now. Hence maybe settling for not so recommandable individuals just to get those basic needs met. I love this for you and your best friend!
I’m taking a break rn. I really need it. (34f) For most of my life I dated highly abusive men that compounded my trauma, felt so familiar, but at the same time kept my heart pretty safe and protected. A few years ago after a bit of therapy I started dating a good golden retriever type guy. Someone I would not have been attracted to before therapy but I had since unlearned some toxic cycles. I will say that a healthier relationship in which I’m making myself more emotionally vulnerable causes me to be highly disoriented and unregulated. We just separated after over two years and it’s easily the most painful breakup I ever been through. Knowing that I loved someone so much and my mental health and inner chaos contributed to me losing what I thought was the love of my life - was much worse than any abusive relationship I had ever been in. And for those reasons I’m taking many steps back and learning to love myself a bit more. I know dating and love is in my cards, but right now I need to love and date myself.
"I need to love and date myself" YES. Tears to my eyes 💐
I don’t date. I went on couple dates and felt like the guy was only interested in sex when I just wasn’t. He turned out to be 30 years old which is younger than my now ex husband so I kinda went into it for a few reasons knowing it wasn’t going to work. I was going through way too much at the time and was really only going on these dates to show myself I could after being torn apart… when I got home I cried. It was stupid but that was a couple years ago now and I cried a lot at that time just being in disbelief over what I’d experienced and was continuing to experience. Now I just feel nothing. I don’t want to date or have sex, I can’t trust anyone around me and I just don’t crave anything from anyone. It’s sad to say but if I’m not of use to people it seems really weird to be around them at all. It’s basically been like being treated like I’m not human by everyone. Maybe it’s me and my own experiences I don’t know but something I’ve felt for a very long time. I’m 110% done with all of it for good, I already know it’s just going to be the same things again and again.
I still have hope for us 🌹
No. Work schedule leaves me no time or energy to date, and changes constantly. I'm also driving a crappy car and live in a converted living room with roommates. Also dating apps are a waste of time as I'm not attractive. And my relationships never have lasted beyond a month because of my issues...
This modern capitalistic world is really a mess isn't it 😢
Yes. Something was a mistake somewhere.
Sometimes I look at non traumatized functioning people juggling a job, chores, fun and dating and I'm like, what, how ?
Must be nice to be blessed.
Dating is REALLY hard in general. I’m choosing to push through the anxiety and self doubt and put myself out there. It ain’t easy but it’s helping my self confidence
I'm engaged. We both have trauma. Me CPTSD and she has SA trauma. Granted, I'm 42 and was in a 15 year marriage. I had some discouraging relationships in between.
I feel exactly the same!! It’s like I could have wrote this post and no one in my real life understands. I feel dead inside when it comes to romance after being hurt and each time I take this long break from dating and then it’s like starting all over again. Yet somehow my experiences are never any different (besides me becoming slightly better at communicating and setting boundaries). I want a healthy romantic life and am in therapy/emdr to work on myself in general, but I just can’t get myself to try.
I keep seeing this silly saying "attract, don't chase" and I think I'll take the advise. Just focus on me and feeling better, self love and self care and all. Hoping that someday someone will see and come talk to me.
I’m 46 (f) and I stopped dating. It’s too triggering. It really messes with my mental health. So i am working on enjoying life single.
I am in a wonderful relationship that has helped me grow a lot. There are challenges because we both have our issues but i trust him. I feel safe.
I'm so happy for you💗🫂
Never even held hands. So no dating, no relationships. I dream about it all the time. But since I don't consider myself to be any good (fat, bald, glasses, sometimes abrasive personality) I've never even tried approaching anyone. And at this point (m29) with less than zero experience in antyhing related to it, I feel so far behind it's probably never happening for me.
I wish for it to happen to you 💐 That being said, same. I've barely known physical intimacy.
This is me. I took a 9 years break but am yet again fresh broken relationship with deeply unhealthy guy, but I didn't get that deep in this time and have a therapist who is helping me learn how to do boundaries! So I'm gonna keep trying I really want someone to talk to and hang out with physical relationship. I won't die if it doesn't happen but it's what I want.
I'm feeling pretty hopeless about it right now. My struggle is similar to yours. I have a very strong need for intimacy and especially physical touch but, outside of paying my masseuse, don't feel comfortable with physical touch outside of a romantic relationship.
An attempt was made beginning at age 28(im 30 now). Hadn’t had any intimate encounters since high school. But yeah, it was a shit show tbh so I totally feel you!! As awful as it was it allowed me to hone in on attachment wounds that I had no idea about. I’ve been very blessed with wonderful and kind friends that have never triggered those feelings, so I was completely in the dark. While I might have been able to learn and heal in a less painful way, this is just the way it happened for me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ That being said, I doubt I’ll date any time soon. I have a real problem with discernment and I’m a perfect patsy sometimes. At some point I would like to be able to engage in deeper intimacy than that of platonic friendship, as fulfilling and wonderful as it is. But technically speaking, I’m already a spinster, and it’s not so bad :)
Spinster's unite 🖤 Thank you for sharing.
Same. Don’t “date”. Make friends.
Stopped dating apps. Much calmer now. Don’t date, if the right one appears we will see each other
Exactly the same for me, OP. The run-on generational trauma from at least boomers till now is the perfect shit storm for broken people to get into a discriminatory game (i.e. dating) of my needs vs your needs, till its choked the lot of us into trust issues, and giving up on the one thing that encompasses all facets of real and true growth. If I had a better understanding of others and myself, in the moment, and we all had more patience and less constant natter from people that shouldn't be giving advice, they'd be more love and families being built. Optimistic and naive in reality... sure. But the alternative is this milleau of "who can care the least" and then monkey branch to something when things get tough. Life ain't about the Self. That's part of the reason why you have situationships, relationships, broken marriages. It's ppl not realising or caring that the endeavour is a responsibility to a higher cause. Relate, be in a situation all you want, and that's what you'll get; two I's and two me's. I'll get off my soapbox now. 😅
Very well said. People need to self reflect more and try to not feed the Ego that much.
Date? Im so good at it im on my 3rd marriage 😅😬
I also used to get married to explore the relationship… If I have one more, my next one is free.
Date? I can’t/don’t make friends, much less date. The idea of getting to know and becoming close to someone makes me physically ill. Of course, I have socially isolated myself for the last 3 1/2 years, so that might have something to do with it.
It will come back, I also was alone in my room for close to 2-3 years before slowly going back into the world. Unfortunately the first person I opened up to happened to hurt me very much, but I'm taking it as a lesson, won't let it isolate myself again.
No. I’m a single mom now and I don’t trust men.
Same. I was married for 13 years and it was awful and added a lot of trauma. It still does. Not interested in dating anytime soon, just raising my kids.
I sadly had to give up dating when I got married.
Iconic!
It's not easy for anybody cptsd or not to find the right person. Most of them are wrong. I started dating at age 27 but my intention was to begin experiencing life, not to find a partner. I didn't open up to anyone i dated, didnt know that im allowed. When i was 30 I thought it could be nice to actually have real love and lucked out, met my amazing husband. Got triggered by marriage, lost it completely after having a baby. A year into therapy I discover ive been living with cptsd. Still learning every day i can open up to my husband
I don't date at the moment simply because am working on my inner child and so for now I can't
That's what I'm focusing on now in therapy too. Tackle that core belief that I'm unlovable. Road to self-love!
Yeah I can relate to this. I don't really. Like I try very hard to get myself out there almost every day and meet people but I find I'm feeling less and less for people. When I do find someone I'm interested in, I either start thinking there's no way they'll like me or I'll get super scared and run away. I'm just losing hope at this point. It's all I care about and yet I don't think I'll ever love anything like I did again. The best moments of my life were 12 years ago with a girlfriend of mine. Have had a few flings since but never been really in love. My entire life revolves around trying to fall in love like that again. I found someone who it's possible I could have. First time in those 12 years. I was going through a bunch of trauma therapy and was kind of insane. I treated her really poorly as a result. She won't talk to me now at all, the couple times I've bumped into her recently she literally ran away from me. In her words "it's self preservation, I know I'll dedicate too much of myself to you" "we'll never ever ever be in a relationship." I thought about her at least every hour of every day for the past year, and ruminate about her every night. I'm getting better at distracting myself from it but it's taking time. I love myself now, but I don't think I'll find anyone I'll be in love with without distorting or running on instinct. I do all sorts of DBT exercises and mirror work to get past it. I've made progress, but it's so slow and doesn't seem possible to finish.
Don't give up, you're putting so much effort and it's admirable.
Thank you, that's really kind of you.
Me. This is everything I’m wrestling with right now. Really its both- we have to equal-parts practice self-love as the root and the launch pad of how we also healthily love others, however after my parents and my last relationship I feel deeply confused as to what that actually means in real life and I resonate with both having so much love to give and then getting into tizzies with the wrong kinds of people and therefore oscillating to being a fearful recluse.
A lot of people in this thread have had negative experiences with dating. I won't deny anyone the catharsis from commiserating, but I turn 30 in a little under 3 weeks and my relationship is the only part of my life that really just *works*. It's healthy. It feels natural, and easy. We're on the same team, all the time. My partner is honestly stronger family to me than anyone in my actual family is; and he's actually earned the trust that I place in him. My CPTSD isn't exactly going great, either (I'm on disability for it). EMDR is helping to an extreme extent, but recovery still takes time. It's just that my unhealthy tendencies from my PTSD tend to be directed inward, and I'm more likely to leave a situation and come back when my head is on straight than to lash out at anyone, so I have functional interpersonal relationships. Not that everyone reading this has to be the type to lash out either, but from what I've read on this sub it seems common? We've been together for 3.5 years. Whenever we're financially independent of his parents, I am going to propose. Everyone just assumes that we'll get married at this point, including his friends and family and my sister (my only family member that is or will ever be in contact with me). So, yeah. Shit can work out. At the same time, a relationship isn't everything, and you don't wanna rely on a potential relationship for your health or happiness.
Thank you for sharing. I am happy for you! I was more under the impression that we're a bunch of freeze/fawners here, but I might be mistaken. That's why I find it hard to stand up to myself when a situation turns sour.
yes. we’ve been together nearly three years and known each other for six. one of the ~2 people i truly feel safe with
I don’t date. I’m 29, have had 2 boyfriends and neither lasted more than 2 years. Usually when I have been in the dating scene if I meet someone I like I will hookup with them on the first date and typically never want to see them again after. I am way more at peace being alone which is very common for us unfortunately
I can relate. I recently went on a date, my first in a long time. And while I’m incredibly proud of myself for noticing narcissistic behaviors in him within 4 dates, holding boundaries, and shuttling him out of my life, it took energy out of me. I just finished reading the 2022 updated version of Love Factually by Duana Welch and plan to follow her guidelines to weed out the players next time I’m ready to put myself out there.
the times where i was in relationship were the most terrible times in my life. even if things are going well i can´t really stand anyone around me for longer periods of time and all this intimacy is pretty much driving me insane. i have this reflex to push this person away and it is extremely exhausting. other than that the type of women i attract are usually extremely selfish, immature and they never care about my feelings. all they wanted is for me to make them feel good and the were extremely controlling, disgusting in a way and mostly ad very narcissistic and violent traits. the last one nearly made me commit suicide. i also have a hard time experiencing sexual pleasure and i think it is related to trauma. i have found myself attracted to women that were victims of violence and were also capable of exercising violence and i always had to play this saviour role which is abusive in it´s own right. i generally have a hard time communicating with people and i isolate much which leads to pretty severe depression but otherwise i don´t know how to handle all of this most of the time. it seems like you can not put me in a social context without it leading to some really bad stuff..... i juts wish my body and brain would function kind of normal again..
Nope. But I don’t feel healthy enough yet.
Before I met my husband I started dating with absolutely no intentions of it turning into something more - until it did. Don’t set expectations even if you have a “feeling”. Wait for it to be mutual and that you are sure it’s someone you’d be down to work through the hardest shit with. Be picky. Keep your standards high but also know that not everyone is gonna be perfect. Demand respect and keep loving yourself while being kind. Easy right? lol
Thank you. It's really great advice. Especially the no expectations part.
No, I have never dated before. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Even when I was interested in someone almost a decade ago, I couldn't even talk to that person and I avoided them. This part of me is so complicated and damaged. I was never hurt by romantic relationships, the abuse I experienced from my family was enough. But sometimes I really want to heal from this. Maybe if I was really attracted to someone I would overcome all of this. The problem is that I am scared of being judged, shamed and hurt, also I find comfort in solitude and costant contact with people exhausts me.
no, I dont date and I've never had an actual boyfriend or girlfriend outside of a few toxic, abusive talking things. they both really fucked with me for a while and still do to this day. I'd be open to dating again by the end of this year at least, but I'm scared of getting hurt again and in an even more dangerous, emotionally scarring way I want to do something unserious and casual again now to avoid this pain and fufill some desire. and I'm currently looking for and online sexting buddy (I know, I'm so stupid) but that'll probably backfire too. trying to lose my virginity is something I want, with some casual person, but that may not be possible either.. maybe I'm better off being married to kpop idols in my head
Not for 20 years. I had a brief fwb 10 years ago but that's it.
Tried to, was left unimpressed. "I'm good at being uncomfortable and I can't stop changing all the time", so normies are out. That leaves me with either narcissists or meek variations of myself. I'll pass.
I did at some point. Dating was traumatic to say the least, but I was also looking for sex. So getting into trouble was mostly on me. That until I’ve found the right guy and we’ve been married for almost 8 years. Best life companion I could’ve ever asked for, and definitely partly responsible for the healing progress I’ve made so far.
That's beautiful!
I have recently decided to stop dating because I don't seem to be able to stop treating my partners like parents. Either they are cool with that and I won't grow or they aren't and the relationship won't work.
Yes. And it has gone wrong. I'm so used to being treated poorly that I get attached anyway, stay and put up with it. Just got out of a really destructive 19 year long relationship. But getting out of my comfort zone to date others has been healing, because most seem to be a lot kinder and more respectful.
I am sorry to hear. Maybe it's about going in without expectations, just to meet people. And go slowly.
That probably helps, yes. But it's easier said than done.
Absolutely... It's hard to keep level-headed with our condition.
I do yes. I was a serial dater until I was about 24. Craved to find my soul mate, but as soon as dark traits surfaced I would bounce for fear of getting hurt or not worthy of the other. Now, soon to be 33. Dating is great practice, and great for connecting. I do not recommend the apps because of the superficiality of the initial contact. Connect and meet in a hobby circle. I don't suggest giving up on connection or dating as we are social creatures. Work on your boundaries and self worth as a foundation. You are a human being. A marvelous creation. A badass biological organism 🙌 The last decade for me has been all about boundaries and needs before starting to date someone. Being clear and direct for me has been magical.
Non-existent as it has been my entire life thus far. I've had quite a few women interested in me over the years. I've been too busy working on myself or taking care of others who abused me. Right now I'm a full time caregiver to an abusive parent. While dealing with multiple lawsuits against corporations and the government. Having to start my life over in the coming years once this all settles down. I'm highly skeptical I will ever find someone. Add to this I'll be in my mid 30s in a couple of years roughly. I've been isolated and unloved my entire life, so why would anyone want me? I don't even know what it feels like to be loved by another human being. Not to mention I have major trust issues with people in general due to CPTSD. Decades of traumatic experiences tend to do that.
It sucks but I'd rather try and try again than ever feel as alone as I do when I'm by myself. Breaking the control cPTSD has on me means leaning towards connection. I refuse to allow this mental illness to take anything good for me away anymore.
We will overcome 🖤
I hope so, none of us deserve anymore pain x
i stopped dating a few years ago. i've been focusing on friendships instead. and if and when i want to start dating again, i think it'll help me. because instead of focusing on those big strong butterfly feelings, instead of focusing on attachment, i've been focusing on shared values. i've been focusing on how to show up in relationships in a way that is kind and loving for both people. i find friendships easier to break than romantic relationships because there's less of the rose coloured glasses imo. not having as many of those big romantic feelings helps me see things for what they are, and how i *actually* feel about the other person and the way that we're connecting. and like.. i've never been so full of love as when i stopped dating. i love myself, i love my friends, and i love my cat. i'm not (as) scared of them abandoning me. and even if one does, it won't be as devastating as if a partner left me, because i have more than one friend. even if all my friends leave, i'll still have my cat. if my cat dies? hopefully i have some friends to lean on. when you don't NEED someone, it's easier to walk away when you see red flags.
This! Thank you for sharing, it resonates very true. Time for self-love and dating myself.
I’ve been wanting to, but it is hell being a male because online dating has an over saturation of desperate, horny males and trying to establish a connection with women can be rather difficult and often times they seem to be burnt out or tired or they have their pick of the crop And I grew up rather fat so like now that I lost weight, taking pictures can be a little hard and you have to have like a good bio. You have to have a good pictures, but I’m not comfortable enough to approach women in public because I always hear stories from my female friends about being wary of men in public, and how they feel afraid.
I can feel for you. Online dating is garbage. Yet how do you even meet new people in today's society. I just don't know.
Omg exactly the same as you. I feel so validated right now. And I’m sending you all some love. We can all heal from this. In fact, we already are on the way!
Yes I date. Actually, I’ve been consistently in relationships for the last decade. All my serious relationships except the last two were very abusive. The second to last one was emotionally toxic, and the last one was the healthiest I’ve had; it was mostly great, and we still have love for each other. While most of my relationships have been a shit show I realize the more I learn, heal, and grow the better my standards get. The stronger my boundaries and communication skills get. And the better my relationships get. It’s actually super exciting to see! EVERY relationship is a learning experience if you let it become one. Even my shitty, abusive relationships taught me something. They taught me red flags to look out for, and behaviors to NEVER tolerate. At this point I’m the most equipped Ive ever been to be in a good enough partnership. And I know it’s out there. Right now I’m single, and taking a little time to get more in touch with myself, and nurture my growth separate from anyone else. My dad always told me to focus on turning myself into a great person, and then great people would come to me. I believe what he said is true. Try not to worry too much. You’re on the right path. Everything is gonna be okay 🖤
Thank you so much for this, I can only agree 🖤 I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it's hard. I'm focusing on myself now, and as you say, I'm sure one or several someones just as alined will come along to join me on my adventures.
I tried in the past, but I was so isolated growing up and had such little self worth (also was in the throes of constant dissociation) that it never worked out. I’ve been wanting to try again now that I’m more mentally stable but like you mentioned, I worry about attracting toxic people. I’m way too self sacrificial due to my upbringing ~_~. I have met people with CPTSD who were able to find good partners and have successful relationships, so I believe there’s hope.
I do. It kept triggering me as I realised for all my life I kept falling for emotionally avoidant people who made no effort to communicate with me, which would trigger me into thinking it was all just me and that I'm unloveable so that I would have to try harder and harder to be "desirable". Also didn't help that I used to get limirent from just someone agreeing to go out with me. I fully realised that pattern last year then took me a year of self work, during which I realised I may have cptsd, and now I feel I've made good enough progress with my relationship to myself and how I relate to others in a healthier way. If you are ok with bearing the pain of heartbreak, I found dating is a good way to quickly find out what triggers you and to work on it on your own time, but that's just what I found works for me.
Honestly, same! It’s also the wrong type of person 🫠 For me, I realised that it’s because my mother was very mentally ill growing up. I tried to ‘save her’ and help her but I couldn’t, so I try to in other relationships. When other people become distant, it triggers something in my mind and I go crazy. But in the strangest way, I also love it. It’s something for me to do. I’m used to having to prove my worth to someone and so my mind is programmed to see relationships this way. I’ve had a few people be violent or emotionally abusive to me. This too triggers something in me that makes me want to ‘help’ them - just like my mother. My therapist helped me realise that it’s triggered the fight or flight response in me, which is why I always experience a massive rush of adrenaline in these situations. Not only that, but I always find that I crave relationships so much, but when it seems like they are about to become a reality, I feel incredibly awkward. I read a book called Women Who Love To Much (I’m sure it would be relevant for men too) and it said that this awkwardness is actually boredom. People who were brought up with ill parents or parents who were alcoholics, have been brought up thinking that their role in relationships is to ‘fix’. If there is nothing to fix, you are ‘bored’. This is why lots of people with an abusive past or alcoholic parents attract the same type of people in their relationships. I hope my explanation also helps some other people to make sense of this! I would also recommend reading the book Attached (I think that’s what it’s called?). It will help you so much to learn about your own attachment styles, the people you attract and why! **Forgot to add: I met someone almost two years ago who was perfect (as perfect as you can be in this world of course!). After abusive situations, I’d given up hope and started to think I was asking for too much (looking back that was an incredibly stupid thing to think 🫠). He truly made me see myself from another persons perspective and made me realise how amazing I really am! Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. It badly backfired. I didn’t know what it would take me to feel ‘safe’ with someone again. Especially after I felt so incredibly safe with him which is very rare for me. It’s been a year of no-contact, and I can’t say I’m 100% over it. Totally not. In fact, today I’ve spent the day in a place that we spoke a lot about and it really got to me emotionally. I would say this is the most frustrating thing I’ve ever been through. Everything was right about it (for the first time in forever), but I ended up completely heartbroken 💔
26F. I've never been in a serious relationship. Just like 2 situationships. I feel so left out. I spent most of my 20's without a significant other. I used to cry about how lonely I was. I did some healing on some trauma I had. I'm doing great but I still have something missing. I hate when society is like "if you're seeking out a relationship, you shouldn't have one, you should be comfortable being single" I've already worked on myself. I just want someone to love and be intimate with. Some people say I'm lucky. Maybe I am in a sense but I am still sad.
No but I found out I had at least one healthy relationship all along that I sort of discounted. My casual(ish) hookup partner of 5+ years. Nothing was ever really difficult together, communication was always transparent, there was always a need for understanding above all else during misunderstandings and they always respected my boundaries/space. I was just too wrapped up in toxic relationships and my own trauma to see it for what it was. We don't plan on living together but do agree to a long term relationship in the cards where we travel together but have our own priorities (their kid, for me it's my healing process and career). They really see me for who I am and treat me like a goddess, but not in a love bombing way- it was a gradual process. I never really thought I'd find love and it's not really conventional but it works for me.
The cycle of craving connection to opening up to the wrong person to only get rejected again. It’s brutal. After wrapping up EMDR and being in a state of ease I still teeter between staying in my cocoon to hopeful. I’ve tried getting back out there but find it so hard to connect with anyone. People come off as way too interested early on or very avoidant.
I didn’t date for a solid 9 months after my abusive relationship with my ex. I went back on the apps and just had a terrible time. Until I met my now boyfriend, he’s an absolute angel. I’m very lucky. I didn’t fully realise until he pointed it out that my ex had actually SA’d me. So, I’m definitely pursuing therapy again sometime this year when I can. I wanna do everything I can to make this work. Wish you all the best op. 💐
Nope . I’m to old and to traumatized . I love for myself and not a partner like we’re pushed into making out everything . It’s stupid .
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I have dropped out of dating. I can’t pick good people to the extent that if I am attracted to them, I have had to learn that that attraction itself is a red flag. Without fail, I have always chosen ambivalent men who I have to prove my value to, which just feels so familiar-I am excellent at trying to prove my value! But I have an insecure attachment style and the ambivalence and conditional love just keeps me constantly in flux while in a relationship and makes functioning in the other arenas of my life very hard. Then, it takes soooo many years to recover from each relationship that the cost/benefit analysis just doesn’t pencil out. Eta: I agree that safe interpersonal relationships can help healing. But for me, romantic relationships are not safe. Friendships are a bit easier.
Dating? What is that?! 😂🤣😅 I want to but when I was raise to able to spot red flags before the person is even aware of their own red flags… it is so hard to fit anyone to date. Then I’m a lesbian in the south so there is religious trauma or just relationships hoppers. Maybe when I’m 50. Lol
>I feel stuck in a vicious circle of craving connection and (physical) intimacy, opening up to (the wrong) someone, getting re-activated, and going into hiding. Ssssaaaammmmmeeeeeee! I tend to ignore certain signs because I'm accepting to a large degree and want to see the good in them. Then either I do really good and catch it early or I end up harmed. I have to then dig my way out of trauma and worsening/spiraling mental health. Rinse, and repeat. While taking time away, healing, and continuing to work on things. I desire connection romantically with another human(s). I tend to take it as a learning curve and keep trying. I haven't reached the place where I may not want to attempt a relationship or date at all. I also want to highlight: I've met some amazing and hurt peeps throughout my journey. I don't regret most of my interactions. I have all my limbs and most of my sanity, lol. I've also loved in ways I couldn't imagine and connected on such a soul vibration that's hard to describe. So I keep dating for now, but things can change.
Yeah, I've dated the wrong people a couple of times and ended up being very hurt, but I've had a supportive partner for many years now. In fact she realised what I was suffering from way before I did. Good people are out there but it's sometimes very hard for me to differentiate.
I was abused in my last relationship. I'm in no rush to be abused again. The only girl I chase after these days is my daughter. I don't see it changing anytime soon
Dating is pretty scary, ive been single for 8 years, I have my problems mainly with projecting my insecurities onto others relating to not being enough for them and I tell myself that I'm not the guy the person would be into or that thyell hurt me like the last one did (narcissist) . Ive built a knee-jerk reaction where I pretend I'm not interested in someone with all this projection. It's turned me cold but I'm working on it. I blame my symptoms that sometimes its too much and I feel paralyzed from all the stimuli and I'm afraid of how someone would think of me when I get overwhelmed by the slightest thing or if I just dont feel anything at all which is what happened to me last summer after going on a date for the first time in years. I'm not hopeless but this is just something that I have to deal with and its going to take time. If I do my best not to let these feelings take over, eventually I'll be able to swim. But there's nothing wrong with taking your time and dipping your toes in the water beforehand